College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Love Dreams * God Dreams

11-23-20 Former husband sicker than I realized

He is so sick he’s rather REPULSIVE & I wonder if I should marry him {he doesn’t seem to have much longer to live but he has so much money. Shall I bear being intimate with him when I’m so repulsed by the thought of him kissing me?}
My good husband Rich & I have been estranged for a long time. Now we are back, he’s sort of courting me hoping I’ll marry him & it was a possibility.
(GOOD HUSBAND: This always represents my ‘present’ ex-Lover, spiritual husband, when his attitude to me is True Love. This underscores, along with several other dreams, that he’s being positive toward me.)
We go to the MOST EXCLUSIVE restaurant & are given a table.

(EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT: A restaurant usually means NOURISHMENT, & includes camaraderie, sharing or affection – a possible LOVE FEAST. This is ex-Lover & I meeting spiritually / emotionally because he has repented of his ways & is ready to reconcile {although its been long in coming, the parting has lasted a year & four months.})

There was a lot going on both inside & outside the place. Something gruesome outside:
I had seen a spot, dug out on the side of the road, where beggars & bums go. Animals – strays & rats – also go there. This spot has some sort of meat in it, possibly garbage thrown out by a restaurant. The meat, after I look at it, gets spoiled after some time, looks ratchet. It has a fuzzy, goldeny surface. First I saw animals eating it, then I see a WOMAN, desperate, looking for sustenance.

(DESPERATE WOMAN: This is probably me after the way Lover Bob did me, desperate, driven insane, looking for sustenance of love after our relationship had gone bust.)
She comes over to this carved-out hole & not only does she take the meat, but all that is in it including a dead, rotting animal. She is taking it like a valuable resource, something precious hugged to her chest, I imagine, to wherever she resides.

(DEAD, ROTTING MEAT, EVEN A DEAD ANIMAL, HOLDS IT TO HER CHEST: This is what I went through during our love affair, which made me ‘insane’ – The dead meat & animal is him being lost to me, the love being lost, all my emotions – holding this dead stuff to my heart like a treasure.)

The woman has dark shortish hair, looks normal, has on a white top, medium weight, just average looking, but as I hear her ranting I know she’s insane; you can hear the hysteria in her voice.
(WHITE TOP: Hints that it was because of the ‘failed marriage’ I had deteriorated emotionally to this state.)

What was I doing there? I’m in the middle of a hilly city, busy, all kinds of neighborhoods, all kinds of vehicles, some wide-open urban spaces. I seem to have been in a vehicle but there were problems & I was kind of lost as to which way to go. And walking here & there I stumbled upon this area which is not in a dark alley, it’s open to the sky, but off the beaten path & animals, derelicts & the desperate go here.

(I AM LOST: The woman desperate is the flesh, the lower self. Is this the God Self lost, not knowing where to go next – what path to take, what action?)

As I walk it’s kind of the lady follows me, ranting & raving, carrying that gruesome bundle in her arms like it was of great value. What would she do with it at ‘home’ I wondered.

(GRUESOME BUNDLE, TAKING IT HOME: This is when a person suffers GRIEF, grief can make one go, to some degree, insane – mental illness.)

But then I do somehow find my way to the tryst with Rich. The place is right in the city where I was wandering, now I found it.
We’re escorted into this exclusive place & put at a table – possibly round – the backs of the chairs are elegantly round also. I look good, am well dressed. Rich goes to the rest room.

(FIND MY WAY: I get over the grief, I am whole again, I know where I am – we are. {It is his turn to experience the grief of loss, as depicted in this dream & hundreds of others.)

After I am seated an old lady who is semi-crippled is put at the table to my left. She had to have her feet elevated, so it became crowded against my table. For my benefit, they moved her about 6-8′ away from me, I now have plenty of room to stretch out.

(OLD LADY, SEMI CRIPPLED, NEEDS FEET ELEVATED: This is me again, my flesh, no longer insane but needing support. Here my flesh is too close for comfort, & the hosts move here away at a comfortable distance, so this would be separation from my lower self which has been the damaged party. However, notice where this part of me is now – enjoying the feast, the exclusive restaurant with my Higher Self & Lover who has been brought low through our separation. I am healed, he is not. My flesh is good but needs some ‘prop’ – my God Self has found its rightful position – which is ME BEING IN CHARGE. {He’s courting me, wishing for union/marriage, I am not chasing him nor grieving at his behavior.})

There was an issue about the chair for Rich. I insisted they give him a good one, a full chair with arm rests. The back, seat & part of the arm rests are a black net, but it’s a comfortable & more exclusive chair. There was a plain one there with no arm rests – it’s like grey thin bars. He sat there saying it was good enough, but I insisted on the better one. I knew he needed a decent chair as I see he’s having problems.

(THE CHAIR: Where he sits is his position at this love feast. I have given him SEPARATION – the black is the funeral or absence of me in the flesh – it might be a criss cross design which indicates ‘your place in my life is crossed out.’
His simpler, less luxurious chair depicts thin grey bars – which would be imprisonment. Mother God, I am stumped. What would that be? And no arm rests.
She: Prison being better than being absent. Is it being a ‘prisoner of love?’ The arms represent the strength to love. He would lose his strength or support of it, being disabled. It’s kind of like being between a rock & a hard place. But you insist on the more ‘luxurious’ chair meaning your absence is crucial for him to experience the pain of loss. This pain is the ‘megaphone of God’ – which demonstrates a misery that makes him finally appreciate you, at last he sees the pain. This brings him to you in repentance, on bended knee, courting you or submitting in hopes of union. Prior to that he was in charge & inflicted the pain of loss & insanity onto you. As predicted long ago, the tables would turn.)
His situation gets clear as the time here goes on.
(TIME HERE: The time of my absence.)

After about twenty minutes, I wonder if he fell into the toilet. He might have passed out or has a serious episode there.

(REST ROOM, 20 MINS: He’s trying to escape the pain, hiding from it. Could be with his recreational activities & substances.)

I get up & walk to the rest room toward the front. Just then he emerges. He’s trying to pretend he’s alright but I know he’s not. He’s tall, paunchy like in real life, wearing brown knitted clothes with some bright spots, like yellow, on his body – maybe a scarf, not sure what.

(EMERGES, BROWN OUTFIT YELLOW SPLASH: Brown is the next lowest color to black, it is great suffering. The yellow splash is he is a coward so he doesn’t reach out to me, call me, & express his interest. He’s fronting.)

He manages to get to our table. We had ordered an exclusive meal like the best steak or something but as we eat I glance at his dish & it is no longer the same dish – it’s a round light blue bowl with white spaghetti-type noodles twirling in hot soup. This is a whole different meal, it’s not exclusive or expensive, I guess the time elapsed from the first – that’s how long he was sick in the bathroom & dilly dallied.

*(THE TWO MEALS, FIRST ONE EXPENSIVE, EXCLUSIVE, NOW LESS THAN THAT: He finds something to console, comfort him about me. We are still together in the dream, so he feels hope, some positive feelings. But they’re not as strong as they used to be, he isn’t sure.

EXPENSIVE STEAK MEAL VS SPAGHETTI NOODLE SOUP MEAL HE IS NOW HAVING {it seems like I ate the good meal, he gets this ‘seconds’ or inferior one}
This represents REAL SEX vs no sex – the steak is the valuable, expensive sex vs the spaghetti noodles are a LIMP DICK for him. In other words, a wet noodle represents a limp dick. Somehow I had great pleasure or ‘ate’ the expensive meal already, but he isn’t enjoying sex with me any more – he is not having ‘pleasure’ or ‘great emotional nutrition.’ I am not ‘eating’ this ‘displeasure’ as I no longer care re. the sex.)*

It comes across to me that he is so sick he is DYING & I think that I now have to make a decision about marrying him. I find him physically REPULSIVE, like kissing him on the lips would disgust me, so can I marry him like he hopes, & have sex?

(HE IS NOW REPULSIVE: I no longer desire him for sex – the sex has evaporated, which renders safety & freedom for my flesh.)
There are benefits to me, what about that?

(HE IS SO SICK HE IS DYING: This would be some sort of psychological death, possibly giving up faith & hope in us. As they say ‘Something in me died.’
I want the benefits he would bring me, however, but there must be benefits or I won’t have him. That means I AM IN CHARGE. In other words, before, when he drove me insane, I would have him at any cost. Desperation degraded me. Now I don’t want him this says, he has to give me BENEFITS. Now I have LEVERAGE.
‘You have to do what I want or I won’t have you. That means I am not your back door woman, but publicly recognized wife.’)
I don’t know how we manage this meal but time has gone by. I thought it was evening & the place would close, but now it’s the middle of the day, a lunch crowd has entered. I see the crowd in that room behind us wearing the same colors as Rich has on, brown with a yellow splash.

(NEW DAY, LUNCH CROWD WEARING HIS COLORS: This might be the never-ending pattern of life, people learning their lessons in relationships, the same lessons over & over. It never ends as long as life goes on.) ………………………………………………………………

11-18-20 – Previous husband back bald with Yamaka

I prayed yesterday as I watched Amy Allen, asking her about my previous Lover & forever spiritual husband, how did he affect me when we were together, & she said
“He DRAINED you.”
{Not like an evil soul with bad intentions, more like a baby. He was not out to destroy you; he’s in love with you but needy she explained.}
I then asked her how will it be different when we live together in the near future {around Sept. 2022}. This dream might be the answer.

I see myself with my ex-best friend, Joe the accountant, & he’s driving me in a big car through the city. The city seems to be ‘the Bronx,’ large, sprawling, huge. I’m not that familiar with it but he is, & I say,

(THE BRONX: Represents a war zone in the city, the urban jungle, the ghettos of the city. He’s taking me on a virtual tour, the orange vehicle will say there’s a lesson here.)
“You really know your way around.”
I’m not in the front / passenger seat but in the back to the right, leaning forward.
He & I were separated a long time, now we are back together as husband & wife. I sense he’s being careful with his behavior, as he learned his lesson.
I see the city sprawling around us, a wide vista. We are about to go over a smallish bridge. I see some sort of bus way to the front / left, it’s soft like some kind of plastic. He knows the city well & seems to be a good guide & driver for me, we are going back to where we used to be long ago.

*(ORANGEY BUS: represents school or lessons of life we have both learned, no doubt. He learned to respect God & myself, I learned not to chase him & give in to him.)

He leans his head back for a moment & something is EXPOSED that would embarrass him greatly, so I’m not going to say anything to him about it. He’s wearing a TOUPEE – I had no idea he had one on until if flipped off partially, exposing he is way bald on top. His had is flatish on top & I already knew he was balding in front, but didn’t know he’d gone completely bald on top.

(BALDNESS: When your hair falls out, it means total stress, anxiety, like ‘I am ripping my hair out.’ It’s when you’re at ‘the end of your rope’ or can’t find your way out of a situation. Sometimes it means you have lost your mind or gone ‘insane.’
So I knew he was stressed out over my departure, but I didn’t know how complete that despair was – now I see it & it would embarrass him – as he likes to keep up a front.
A man’s baldness also says, in this dream, he’s gotten older, more mature.)

The toupee is round & seems to have a RIM, like a cloth edge with a small design, with maybe little x’s in the design. I resolve to say nothing as he will be so embarrassed for me to know he’s so bald & trying to look good for me with this toupee.
(YAMAKA: This shows religious RESPECT. You cannot enter the Temple or be by the ‘waiting wall’ without the Yamaka.
This says he found a NEW RESPECT FOR ME & what I stand for in his life, as he saw what he experienced when I was gone. The x’s symbolize ‘gone’ or ‘x’d out.’
This is saying,
“He has matured, changed, in general, & by the traumatic experience of you leaving him. He has gained a new healthy respect for you & will not be the same, he will treat you decently.”)
………………………………………………………………….

Nightmare of 11-17-20 – Bear Chases Me

I was out on a bank somewhere watching two medium sized bears below just hanging around – did not see their Mom. I don’t feel in danger at all.
(TWO YOUNG BEARS: Are two men I was going to work with soon – the appointment seemed harmless, they were going to help me with something.)

Then the Mom appears & she comes after me! I am scared & run like Hell. She keeps after me & the chase goes on & on.

(MOM appears, comes after me: The Mom is the parent or origin of a SPIRIT possessing these two men – an EVIL spirit! They of themselves seem harmless & innocent, but after I made the appointment a feeling of DREAD came over me & PURSUED me.
Bears are usually pain & suffering, for example, the ‘bear’ market is a negative one, the ‘bull’ market is positive.)

We go over water, a large expanse like an ocean. She goes in the water after me, not sure how we move but we both seem to be on top of the water. It’s taken me so much energy to stay ahead of her.

(PURSUES ME: A feeling of dread pursued my mind & heart after I made the appointment, I could not get rid of it.)

Suddenly as she pursues me there is a man close to the bank in front of her, with his back to her, in a floating leisure balloon lounger, light blue, leaning back relaxing. The bear is blocked by this man between us & the man suddenly sees her & says loudly,
“Get out of here!”
He isn’t scared but the bear bites his head off & I see his head to the right of him thereafter, but this is vague, like a vision. I see a trail of ginger color, like a powder, scattered between where his head was & where it’s gone.
The man is GINGER – red hair, red mustache & beard, handsome, like someone I knew long ago who warned me not to date black men – how selfish & mean they were – & I resented his advise.
And so, this is how I GET AWAY.

(GINGER MAN: Someone stands between me & THIS SPIRIT – he removes it or does EXORCISM,
“Begone Satan!”
which this man’s Presence makes me call both men & cancel our appointment.
The bear biting off his head might symbolize what this spirit would do to me. I ask Mother God, what does biting off the head mean?
She: It means affecting the head / brain in a negative way,
“She bit my head off”
would be biting language, cruel words, meanness. They would affect your head this way even if they did not say anything, but the way they feel toward you, the evil spirit of Satan is in them & hates you – both of them hate you as they hate God – Satan is their origin or directing their souls. This reveals to me that one of the men who I did not credit with being against God or hating me is hostile toward both – a surprise, but I shouldn’t wonder as of recent times when he was due here I felt DREAD.
The man is a saint or angel, could be Jesus or the Spirit of Jesus, as in some images Jesus is a redhead & has a mustache & beard. He is the SPIRIT OF LOVE.
The Spirit of Love stood between myself & Satan & banished him, by banishing these men.)

………………………………………………………….

Errol Flynn loves me! 11-16-20

Errol Flynn is in front of me, so handsome & charming, & he’s telling me how much he likes / loves me. The most striking comment he made was,

(ERROL FLYNN: Jesus, the Spirit of Love. He appears as Flynn because EF was famous for his beauty.)

“I love the way you walk.”

(LOVE THE WAY YOU WALK: Walk represents one’s lifestyle, like talk is your beliefs, so you can ‘talk the talk’ but can you ‘walk the walk?’ which means do you LIVE UP TO YOUR BELIEFS?
This hearkens back to the prayers I made that night, hours of them, for the entire world, people & animals & Souls in Purgatory. Jesus liked them.)

The most surprising part is his wife is to the left of him, about 7-8′ away, she’s far, with dark hair but good looking. She comes forward & somehow is supportive & understanding. She knows he loves me & is not jealous, seems to be OK with it.

(WIFE OF JESUS: Holy Mary, the Feminine Divine. She agrees with Jesus, She liked my prayers also. She isn’t jealous as She is my Holy Mother.)

………………………………………………………………

College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

MAN TAKES OUT HEART, BRAIN

MAN TAKES OUT HIS HEART & BRAIN TO INCREASE HIS PAIN

OVER A BROKEN HEART

One of the most gruesome dreams I’ve ever had

Man has had a heartbreak so terrible that for some strange reason he wants to inflict himself beyond belief. He wants to feel his pain {strange logic} to the nth degree.

He’s standing there like in the middle of the street & takes some kind of a tool, opens his chest, & begins to remove his heart bit by bit. It’s hard to watch. I saw pieces of his flesh all over the street around his feet.

*(MAN IN THE STREET: This is my friend, & this dream will explain a trauma that came upon him when he was a boy – that is affecting him even today as a grown man. Something awful happened to his family, a great reversal of success. Let’s call my friend Sargie.

Sargie was just a little tyke when this happened, but he is an EMPATH, sensitive or medium. He took the pain of his family INTO HIMSELF, in other words, as if it was his responsibility, like Jesus taking up the Cross for sinners. He carries this cross even in life today & it is affecting his success—blocking him from it.

Here you see the gruesomeness of being an EMPATH. He increases the pain of what happened into his own heart & brain – which work together. He has absorbed the pain in his mind & emotional system.)*

Later I see pieces of his heart, like strips from liver but pinkish, laying about, blackened on one side.

*(STRIPS OF HIS HEART LIKE LIVER, BLACKENED: This is Sargie’s emotional system. The blackened slices are where he’s seriously hurting – black or being burned can refer to loss, destruction, death, depression, etc. {it can also mean good things like the unknowingness of God, mysteries.

The reason LIVER is used as an analogy is saying ‘he’s hurting in a place that is vital.’ You cannot live without your liver – you can live without appendix or gall bladder, but not liver. This is crucial to one’s health, this is serious. He’s hurt in a serious way.)*

Then he does the same to his brain. I don’t see as much detail in that.

*{HEART & BRAIN AFFLICTED: Our thoughts & feelings go together, ‘As a man thinketh, so is he.’

Now when this tragedy / trauma happened to his family, he was small & could do nothing about it. He felt HELPLESS, WEAK.

What I will try to do is the famous hypnotherapy trick: REFRAME HIS THOUGHTS. Indeed, the way his thoughts are phrased, as the situation was presented to him, it was like the ‘end of the world’ for their survival. He could do nothing so this gave him a DEMORALIZED, NEGATIVE FEELING ABOUT HIMSELF. In other words,

“I am weak, incapable of helping or saving my family.”

Now to the situation of today, when he harbors the same thoughts & feelings, he feels the same negativity about himself – like he’s a failure rather than a success, he’s weak & can do nothing.

To remedy the situation we’ve got to go back to the past & instead of MAGNIFYING IT {which his family did & he continues doing} we must MINIMIZE IT down to nothing – like there really WAS NO TRAUMA, his family really did not suffer IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE, it was just the attitude that made it seem so. Nothing was really lost, it was just a BUMP IN THE ROAD, a shakeup that happens in all our lives, nothing that cannot be dealt with, one simply must use WISDOM & VIRTUE to face these things & THEY WILL BE SOLVED.

He must believe in his families solvency, that not much if anything was lost – what hurt can be corrected & then HE WILL REGAIN HIS CONFIDENCE, SENSE OF BEING STRONG, FAITH IN THE GOOD ESPECIALLY IN THE GOODNESS OF GOD WHO IS ALWAYS WITH US & CAN DO ALL THINGS, ETC.

FAITH, HOPE, CHARITY, CONFIDENCE, FORTITUDE, PATIENCE & LOVE FOR HIMSELF are the virtues that will see him through. Believe in the good & it will happen. Believe in the power of evil & it will pull you down. Dispel this belief in evil – Resist the devil, his works, his thoughts, his negativity, & he will leave.

We will work on this. I will discuss this revelation with my friend, we will work it out, he will be healed.)*

Amazingly, he’s not dead. He continues to live, & another phenomenon I see this same person becomes a female, & this is so strong that I even thought upon first recalling the dream, it happened to a female, but thinking deeper recalled it started with a male.

*(BECOMES A FEMALE: This condition / feelings & thoughts) is TRANSFERRED TO A FEMALE – myself as an empath / medium / sensitive, so I would UNDERSTAND what is going on inside him.

The STRIPS OF FLESH BLACKENED, are the parts of his feeling system that are BURNED or BADLY HURT are TAKEN OUT or REVEALED – I see what has happened. It is revealed to me as a mind reader or reader of hearts.)*

The dream goes on to other scenes. Myself & another person are traveling & we need to check into a place for the night.

We find a reasonably priced place, we check in & it’s for the week. He is fast asleep in the room to the left, surrounded by light grey bedding, he needs rest badly. The only disturbance or noise is down the hall, a group of female college students have checked into a room or rooms. What a hullabaloo. I’m not bothered but just curious about their psychology, why so much noise?

(HE IS FAST ASLEEP: He is unaware of how his thoughts & feelings are affecting his entire life including ambitions for success. Being asleep can mean ‘unaware,’ ‘waking up’ can be ‘I now see & realize the truth.’)

I look down the hall where they are – for some reason they have mattresses with white sheets, all in a messy pile {they are at the end of the hall} against the wall, stacked up on their sides, the fitted sheets are slipping off.

*(COLLEGE STUDENTS, NOISE, MESSY, MATTRESSES & OTHER THINGS: This is a member of his family who transferred pain onto the little boy, he being a sensitive or empath received it into himself.

This person appears as a college student because they are IMMATURE – She was immature in her reaction to the family trauma, she did not deal in wisdom. The NOISE of the students is female students downtown where I hung out for ten years are ALWAYS SCREAMING. This is their reaction to stimulation – scream – it’s like HYSTERIA, would be emotional reaction without contemplation, reasoning, logic, just FALLING APART.

As I said before, she transferred her hysteria or negativity to the boy instead of dealing in wisdom – She was unable to rise to the challenge, to conquer the Mountain, the situation crushed her & affected her life & happiness. She has never gotten over the trauma in these many years. He carries this with her.

The MATTRESSES PUSHED INTO THE HALLWAY, with white fitted sheets slipping off, against the wall, messy: Is the situation – a relationship ended.

AGAINST THE WALL is ‘at the end of my rope’ or where the wall is, is where I can go no further, the wall stops me, I am ‘against the wall.’)*

Then I decide to clean the floors in our room/s. I take a broom – the floors are quite dirty. I sweep everywhere including under bureaus, stretching my arms to get in there as even with the long broom handle its not easy, but I manage.

*(THE ROOM HE & I CHECKED INTO: This is the place of where my friend’s mind & heart are. I see inside him, inside his relative’s mind, it has been transferred to me mentally. I am

SWEEPING THE ROOM: Under bureaus & difficult places to reach, I am STRETCHING & leaning into places that are hidden – this is his mind, where negativity harbors & we must remove it.

As I said my strategy is to REFRAME HIS TOUGHTS which will realign his feelings, we will minimize, stop maximizing the situation that happened. We will bring hope & love, acceptance & faith where previously there was despair & resentment.)*

My thought is I’m glad none of the maids are bothering us, letting us be for the week, just allowing us to stay, do our own cleanup, leaving us alone. We need privacy for the time being – recovering from something difficult, both of us.

…………………………………………………………….

10-27-20-GOOD HUSBAND BRINGS GIFTS

I see my good husband Rich vaguely. Mostly see the gifts he brings. Why he brings them, for what occasion, I have no idea.

There is vaguely a bottle of perfume the same as in a previous dream, like half a quart, the best perfume there is.

*(GOOD HUSBAND: Means the person I love, the Lover I describe under many names – is in a good attitude toward me right now. The gifts will explain what he’s feeling toward me.

The perfume is holiness. {Scent of holiness} He either acknowledges mine or else has acquired his own, so he’s giving me his grace if it’s his own.)*

The most UNUSUAL gift is a small hat, small enough to fit a toddler. It’s white, all knitted out of pieces, the pieces are designs & flowers, & you can see petals sticking out from it.

*(TODDLER HAT: He’s now submitting to me in marriage or with a pure heart {white} as if he is my child – which spiritually he is – he is giving himself to me, saying,

“Here I am, your underling & happy for it. My head is now right; I understand your value & our relationship. My head / thoughts are to be One, I accept it. The

FLOWERS & PETALS: mean love, romance, the petals are bits of that, the ones ‘sticking out’ are his concern about ‘she loves me, she loves me not’ have turned him around. Absence made his heart grow fonder or another twist I add is ‘Absence makes the cock grow harder.’

He has, over this time, seen the light, computed that he needs me, misses me, I am important to his life, he gives himself to me in his mind. But why doesn’t he call? Obviously not ready. ‘Be still & know that I am God’ is my mantra here. No anxiety or chasing. Let it be until he’s ready to move.)*

There were two other items, at this moment I can’t recall.

He’s joyful as he presents these things to me.

……………………………………………………………

10-24-20-LOVER OWNS TINY FOOD STAND-

MY HEAD SCARVES-NEWSPAPER

This dream proves my Lover is concerned have I ended it? So he cares…………………………..

I’m on a long, difficult journey. A tiger is in my way at one point, I am ‘way out’ in a rural area, many miles in all directions & I need to get back to the city. Finally see a bus stop should take me back, a guy is standing by it.

*(TIGER: Tiger is usually ANGER. I might have been feeling angry due to my computer breaking down – thank Heaven it got fixed. Or it might be re the Lover not calling me. This doesn’t explain why, but it shows me swimming into ‘deep water,’ getting away from the Tiger & getting back on the road – so whatever reason I had it, I conquered it. Then again, it might be someone else had the anger, maybe my Lover as I’m not chasing him.

Being ‘LOST’ is being lost mentally / emotionally, trying to find direction, a goal, getting somewhere. It might have to do with my Lover as he is the main character here.)*

I then stop at a tiny restaurant/food stand. There aren’t any places to sit, you get your food to go I think. I stop here not because I’m hungry but just to rest or take a break.

The man who owns this place, I see him to the left as a ‘working class’ type fellow, like a Greek cook I used to know – chunky built, in white colors & a white full body apron – he is cooking a beautiful dish on his grille {the kind of grill that’s solid, thick black, not barbeque style}. The problem is my blue scarf is embedded in the dish & I tell him it is, & I’m pulling with all my might to get it out of there – he doesn’t answer my protests.

The dish is one made of rolled flour & it’s made into an envelope & inside the envelope is vanilla cheese, it’s sitting there sizzling & looks good. It’s about 8” long & 4” wide, quite thick.

*(VANILLA DISH WITH CHEESE: This represents SEX. It’s his inviting penis with the sperm inside – the cheese is sperm. ‘On the grille, sizzling’ is the sex we both loved – it’s like food, emotional nourishment. But-

MY HEAD SCARF IS INTWINED, I STRUGGLE TO PULL IT OUT: I do not want my sex desire or yearning, longing to have sex with him any more – I wish to remove this desire, to be free, & I do remove it.

This desire makes me desperate, makes me chase him, but without it I can hold out forever & he has to rethink his relations with me. I’m not his whore any more.)*

Another item is that my Lover – who seems the same as the owner of the rest. – has asked me to purchase today’s paper, which costs $6. Why do I do as he asks? This is an expensive paper, & I’m going out of my way to please him although he might not deserve it. I reach for my purse or wallet & don’t have it. But my left pocket has a few dollars & change including nickels & pennies. I tell the owner take the money I have, I have no more, it should suffice even if it is not the full $6.

(NEWSPAPER: This is news, announcements, information. He wants to know about us. He asks me, at my expense, to get this information. What is my expense? Does he read these dreams on my site? I doubt it.)

What Lover / owner wanted to know was what was on the heading of the very large paper. To me it seems like OBITUARY headings in the middle – no big headlines, just announcement in small letters – he just wanted to know if his name was on it. I read it – & tell him his name is not there, he isn’t famous today.

(NEWSPAPER HEADLINES ON TOP IN SMALL LETTERS, OBITUARY: Ha ha, so funny, this simply explains what Lover wants to know. Am I through with him? Is he dead to me? – his name at the top of the obituary? No, we’re not finished I tell him.)

Then on my way out I notice two of my other scarves are on a bin in the middle of his place, one white background, smaller, one blue background. Do I demand to take these or do I let it go? Well to prove I own these will be a bother, I just think, let it go, let it be & I leave.

(TWO SCARVES I LET GO OR JUST LEAVE: This is my ‘head’ or thoughts, wishes, to be with him, to be married. So what if I have these thoughts, as long as I’m not desperate to be with him as in the past, it doesn’t matter. I am relaxed.)

……………………………………………………………

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Shrine to Shakti, Uncategorized

DREAMS – LOVE & IDENTITY

DREAMS EXPLAIN MY LOVER WILL RETURN TO ME SOON & SECOND,

I AM A WOMAN OF GOD,

MY WORLDLY ACCOMPLISHMENTS LIKE BEAUTY CONTESTS ARE NOT

IMPORTANT TO PROMOTE

– STICK TO MY IDENTITY, PROMOTE THE GOD SELF

SIGNIFICANT DREAMS explain two things. One my Lover still loves me & will enter my life in future, & two, my identity for promotion is not my shallow earthly accomplishments, but my ascending to the Throne of God.

10-22-20-Suicide & renewal

At first I thought this was about my friend Mary J, but it wasn’t. To my surprise, it was me!

I’m with friends out in the great outdoors, big scenery all around, mountains, woods, beautiful. Then we look into the sky & we see vultures or scavenger birds circling around. We see it as an omen someone might be dying. As we keep looking, then thse birds are right on the ground & we all say,

“This is not going to be – it is!”

(MARY JANE, OMEN/VULTURES: This is about my own death at the time of the heart attacks, the stress of what my Lover had been doing to me.)

And we run to the spot to see who died. It’s Mary J! She has committed suicide I think, & two huge vultures, dark ones, are tearing into her. She’s wearing a light blue draped dress, her hair is between light brown & blonde, slightly frizzy, to the neck, seems a bit sparse like an older person’s.

(SUICIDE: When you choose to love someone so much you die of a broken heart it might be called suicide, as you can stop loving a person to save yourself, but if you keep loving no matter what the pain, you ‘die of a broken heart.’)

Then a dark bird like a crow, sees us, & wants to take her body away because it doesn’t want interference, & this crow is strong enough to pick up her entire body, & as it does it takes her away to a deep stream & dips her in {I don’t know why.} Not sure what happens after that.

*(CROW TAKES HER AWAY, DIPS HER IN STREAM: Crow could be prophecy. Mother God, I need help.

She: The crow might be saying this had to happen in order for her to be cleansed of her obsessive love. Dipping in the stream is ‘stream of life,’ so the crow is saying ‘She has to get back to her God intimacy again. This death will do it.’)*

Next scene: Is a whole ‘nother ballgame. There is Mary Jane, alive, & there’s something to do with love & romance. She loves a certain guy but he’s nowhere to be seen, & I see her taking up with another fellow who is pictured as ‘The Hulk’ although he isn’t as bulky as him, but he’s real tall & dressed in black clothes.

They are off by the side of the wall in this public place like a sprawling restaurant. They are left, back, against the wall, {facing it} & it’s her & Hulk & another guy – I can hardly see her because the other two are in front of her. There isn’t anything going on romantically.

(HULK: There is no one in my life resembling this person but it might be my new webman Spencer, who’s tall – I’ve seen him wear black.)

Then to the right comes a sight to behold: The man she loves, who she’s been waiting to come to her forever, he got wind of her & Hulk, he could not take it any more, {jealous, worried about losing her} he’s arrived, he’s entered the door with a couple male friends. He’s as tall as the Hulk, not as broad or bulky, thin, handsome, wearing a dark burgundy polo shirt, quite pleasing, {it’s stylish, the collar is up, I imagine the white polo emblem somewhere} & he’s surprised all of us. She hasn’t seen him.

*(LOVER WALKS IN AFTER HULK: Might be a prediction that after you get going with Spencer, Lover will think it’s romantic & step up his game. His

BURGUNDY POLO SHIRT: Shows long-time suffering re you & that he wants to get back in ‘the game.’ The horse symbol is his penis–’horse cock’–& he wants to ‘play’ or have sex with me.)*

What worries me about her is as she stood there with Hulk she even had her leg doing the trick she often does – putting her leg {the left one} to point to the ceiling. Why she did this I don’t know, except that it’s to amaze or impress people. However, doing this might antagonize the true lover, make him think more was happening than was.

(LEG UP–HE SUSPECTS MORE THAN WHAT’S GOING ON: This is I have a ‘leg up’ on Spencer or having my way with him, not romantically, but getting along, working. But Lover doesn’t know what’s going on & has fear. This shows he loves me still.)
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

EARLIER DREAMS:

I was somewhere with a ‘ditsy’ Marilyn Monroe type girl, she’s short, brown hair, slightly bulky but curvy. She got hold of my suitcase somehow & out of it she took my bikini where I won ‘Ms Body Beautiful,’ she’s put it on, she looks curvy & terrific!
But the fact she had the cheek to take my things & use them! She’s trying to be popular but this is shallow stuff.

(MARILYN MONROE: This is me in my flesh, trying to be a ‘somebody’ by referring to my past exploits in the shallow sense, like winning beauty contests. Lately I’ve been meditating what to do with my life, whether to promote myself as the Kellie Everts person who did this or that, but this is steering me away from that, saying it’s shallow, this is not who I am, I used the glamour to do God’s work, I was pushing my mission moreso than remaining fixed & focused on the shallow, transient things.)

Then I’m in a busy, crowded place where many gather, like a huge restaurant, & people are being evaluated like it’s a big thing about choosing people for movies. I’m sitting with friends against a wall looking outward, thinking what is my future?

When suddenly, of all people, my sister walks in. She is not expected here, she doesn’t ‘fit in’ but she has come to plead my case. She’s wearing a strange wig, streaked brown, it comes past her forehead so you can see some of her own hair. She looks slightly disheveled like she’s been through a lot.

(SISTER: The logical, pragmatic part of me shows me the light. Appears to bring me back to the logical truth: I used my career for God, my career of being the glamour doll & body builder is not who I was/am, I am a woman of God before all else.)

She has two things in her hands to show us. First, she takes out a bottle of the finest expensive perfume, such a large bottle it’s maybe a liter, like Chanel#5. She holds it to us to show that this is MINE like a quality or something belonging to me. She holds it a while describing how wonderful it is & valuable, she smiles as she speaks with love.

Next she finds the red alligator purse, a large purse that seemed to be STOLEN from me perhaps by the Marilyn lady – it’s about 2′ across, 1.5′ tall, 4-5″ deep, of the most expensive alligator skin in a rich medium shiny red. She presents this to us & explains this also belongs to me, & her words I cannot recall but she said it was the most valuable possessions & she spoke with love. This RELIEVED the pain I had been having at being robbed of this purse, I was crying about it saying how all my most valuable things were in it including keys to all my stuff, but where was it? So sis appearing like this justifying me makes it a wonderful revelation.

*(REVELATION: the

PERFUME is the ODOR OF SANCTITY, the highest kind & it is great. This is the REAL ME.

The PURSE is the spiritual value of e, it is GREAT. This is who I am, the key is my spirituality, all else follows. Focus on that, this justifies me, explains me, not the trivial stuff of this world.)*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

BUDDHA JESUS MARY APPEAR TO ME

BUDDHA JESUS MARY APPEAR TO ME

10-15-20 WORLD SPIRITUAL ICONS APPEAR

Remarkable answer to prayer. I was going through some great stress last night & worried about my physical health, future, & relationship with God. Prayed a long time, knew I was in the Kingdom of God, not on earth, I could feel it.

In the dream I do not see myself, I see another person who might be a male. He’s devout, seems to be important, & he’s been praying. He seems to be some kind of monk or disciple or something officially with God. I don’t see his body, just his presence to the left.

On his right there is a stone staircase that goes up one floor to a flat area, behind it might be a wall or rock mountain. The staircase is made of rocks that are white & specks of gold or silver intertwined, they are all natural, nothing artificial from people, just rocks in nature.

As this man prayed, suddenly there materialized a person on the top of those stone stairs. He was so important it was scary, as this was a phenomenon rarely seen. He’s wearing a yellow robe with a dark grey collar, the collar flares out in the middle of his chest – it goes to the waist area.

He then disappears and on a lower step a woman materializes wearing the black robes of a nun. I know she’s significant.

I felt this man’s prayers summoned these significant persons & there’s great meaning here.

*(The MAN is your flesh:

The first SPIRITUAL ICON is BUDDHA. The yellow gives it away, & he appears first & last, like the Alpha & Omego, like he’s the source of what’s being shown here, the beginning & the end.

Next the NUN IN BLACK is Mother Angelica, who represents the HOLY MOTHER who you worship so much, & who was the subject of your prayers.)*

Then below her on another step appears Pope Paul VI, all in white, with his arms outstretched upward as if in welcome.

Then the man in yellow appears again beneath him.

*(POPE PAUL VI represents JESUS & Our Lord here represents the CHRISTIAN CHURCH.

The big to-do about Buddah is that Christ was a Buddhist Guru born again, the three Wise Men Honored him & later picked him up, took him to India to study & work & returned him age 29 or 30 – the years Jesus disappears from the Bible.

Jesus’ teachings are Buddhist, so Buddha is the ORIGINAL OF CHRISTIANITY, here shown.

Why have they all appeared? Your prayers called out for guidance, help, consolation. You were sent away from the ‘interior life’-contemplation, into the miserable world & you have fallen in your INTIMACY WITH GOD.

When in the rhythm, mentality & thought-processes of the world, it is not the Kingdom of God, & out of obedience to God, you left her Kingdom to go back into the world – presumable to ‘have fun,’ except it wasn’t.

You were in a PEACEFUL STATE, serene relatively speaking, FREE OF ATTACHMENTS to people & things, but being in the world all of that went the other way.

Your body breaking down, hurting, both your legs doing badly & making it hard to walk or work, have troubled you greatly. You are uncertain & called out to God with sincerity & faith.

What does God want of you now, now that the ‘joyride’ is over more or less, but your body is hurting, you’re old, you don’t know how you’ll manage or cope in your old age, having no family near you, no husband, no one to help you in time of need. You felt pretty insecure about the future. Did you do the right thing when you went into the world or was it some sort of mistake?

These spiritual leaders now appearing to you assure you you are in good shape spiritually, you did the right thing. They are here to show you WE ARE ONE, IN BROTHER-SISTER FRIENDSHIP, SPIRIT IS THICKER THAN BLOOD, YOU ARE IN THE FAMILY OF GOD & ALL THESE LEADERS WELCOME YOU, GREET YOU, GUIDE & CONSOLE YOU.

You came away with a new understanding. That you had to descend into the flesh not only for the time being for yourself, for physical pleasure or experience, but for future people who will hear about your life in books & movies.

They need to know that God is with them in their every day desires, needs, attachments, fears, disappointments, failures & successes. They need to know they are not judged, condemned, hated, for the ordinary things in life – it’s only sin that is judged, not regular life, & drinking sex are ordinary, not sins per se {except in certain cases}.

The future will know you were a woman of the people, not a lofty soul who once she saw God face to face did not want to go lower. You did return to the world to show love for humans – the way Jesus came from Heaven to suffer . He ate with ‘publicans & prostitutes,’ He was with the sick, the demonic, the fallen, the ignorant; he ate & drank with them & helped them. It wasn’t fun for him, He did it out of love, & you went back to the world on obedience to God, an act of love – it was the same as coming down from Heaven.

This is part of the reason God wanted you to ‘stop celibacy, go out & have fun.’

You must understand that your life will be recorded in future books & movies, & people will hear about you, pray to you for help. They need to believe that you understand their experiences; you were there, the same as them, even though you had ascended. You reached Nirvana/Enlightenment, & yet, you still wanted to return to the world & share love with people – not something all souls of your caliber would do; they know how much torture the world begets.)*

College of God & Love, College of Love Making, College of Matriarchal Love, Uncategorized

BIG GORILLA COMES CALLING

BIG GORILLA COMES CALLING

Sits on my porch

Have never had a dream like this! I’m at my porch at the house when here comes up from the lane a big gorilla. He walks like a man & has a small waist, other than that, he looks just like the ‘silverbacks’ – huge head, shoulders, arms & legs – I don’t see his back but they call mature males ‘silverbacks’ because the hair on their backs turns silver.

(GORILLA: Is the lover Jim. This is his ‘lower self’ or instinctive, primitive part. This is his acting on BASIC INSTINCTS, & having FEAR like a wild animal. This might be saying that his behavior has been that of an animal trying to survive, you have to be careful with him because when his fear is aroused he reacts violently. You are trying to acclimate him slowly, get him used to being near you, not to provoke his fear.)

The gorilla strides in purposefully – He reminds me of Shabani, a famous one in Japan who is loved by the ladies because he looks & acts so human.

He walks right up to my porch & parks himself on a railing, which is solid, painted white, it has this decoration that is just like what I have around my doors inside my house, which I had my carpenter fix – they look like Grecian columns on the top, under the cornice. The top of this ‘railing’ or fence is quite wide, plenty of room for a seat – might be two feet wide.

*(PLACE WHERE HE SITS: There are several signs here which say ‘marriage,’ & ‘permanence.’

The fact that he arrives – comes to me & ‘purposefully’ says he wants to be with me. The porch, especially the fence where he sits, is white, which says marriage.

The decoration under the top {where he sits} is like that underneath a Grecian column – this would put him as a fixture on top of a column. A column is a SUPPORTING PILLAR so this could be saying he’s a strong fixture here – with me. It seems like it’s only a porch, but there is a reference to this design being INSIDE my house by two of my doors. And so this hearkens to ‘I want to be inside with you, in your house, in a relationship.’)*

What I have to master here is my FEAR. I’ll call him Shabani. I have to be totally RELAXED & not AFRAID. My immediate human reaction is fear, just as I once felt with the bears, but when I habituated the bears, they got over their fear of me & I got over mine.

(FEAR: What is my fear? It’s of HIM HURTING ME. This says tread slowly, carefully not to FRIGHTEN HIM as he reacts from a primitive instinct of violence. {This is not acted out literally – he does not, in real life, hit anyone or do anything physically violent, but he acts out to me in a REVENGEFUL manner when I did things to make him jealous.} This explains the motive of his brutal actions toward me, the cold heartedness—apparently it is fear based.)

I put great effort into totally relaxing & not being afraid, as that is the KEY to what? To having him here & him NOT HURTING ME while I host his presence. I did try to touch him a couple times – I have to be careful how I do that, one step at a time, slowly, because he might react in a bad way if he’s frightened. When I touched him I felt his nails/claws, don’t want those claws mauling me.

So as we sit here my associates, as they come up, will misunderstand the situation & be eager to kill him because they think he’s dangerous. I particularly see my sister coming up & she’s holding like a basket & in it is a young female, like her child, but a fully-formed human but she’s small enough to be carried like an infant, & I also think she has a gun, which she might instantly point at Shabani & kill him – as she thinks I’m in danger.

I gently but quickly caution her not to shoot him, I am alright with him, he won’t hurt me, I’m acclimating him to be near me. And we are near, close enough, arm’s length – to touch each other. He doesn’t do anything, just sits there like he belongs here.

*(SISTER: My pragmatic self. She looks at Lover Jim & his behavior & wants to INSTANTLY END THE RELATIONSHIP – so do my other associates or personalities. They do not want him to hurt or kill me – as a gorilla could do. His appearance as a gorilla also explains his POWER OVER ME IN THE PAST – he had the ability to kill me because I loved him so much & he was cruel, cold & uncaring when he wanted to be. This is a recipe for great harm—people die of broken hearts. And so, all the logical, pragmatic parts of me are thinking of removing him from my life.

But my God Self, the dreamer, has another solution. She has discerned what his behavior is based on – instinctive fear like a wild animal. What does he fear? The same thing I fear – being hurt. He fears my leaving him, not loving him, not caring. When I did stunts to make him jealous this exacerbated his fear & he LASHED OUT from the primitive self, he did not reason it out & do things he should have done, he was like the guy who injures his female when he suspects her of wrong doing. Of course he did this psychologically, not physically.

This dream solves a problem, explains his cruelty. No matter what his behavior, I must not be afraid of him hurting me. I can handle this truth now, as I am no longer in ‘crazy love’ or ‘obsessive’ about him, I am relaxed & becoming more so. Two people cannot both be uptight, anxious & afraid in the relationship – one must be in control, & that one must be me. He is the wild animal, I am the God.

The dream does portray that he loves me, wants to be with me permanently. Being a ‘silverback’ also bodes the ‘forever’ silver wedding anniversary.)*

College of God & Love, College of Love Making, College of Matriarchal Love, Uncategorized

ENOUGH REVENGE?

HES DRAGGING A CART

A man I loved has some heavy baggage. 8-7-20

Interpreted for a friend

There is some sort of date / meeting with my ex-best friend, lawyer Jim. He seems to be well off, in a good social place as we meet – a good catch for marriage.

His Mom is a part of this. I’m talking to her confidentially off to the side, as she sits on a fence of sorts. She feels shaky about the meeting, but I assure her,

“We have to meet to settle this – even if we break up we must meet.”–{Words approx.}

She’s thin, dressed in a yellowy with charcoal grey dress like from the old days style, seems WORN OUT– Like people you see in the depression, young parents thin & wrinkled from overwork & poverty. Her hair is medium long, mousy brown/grey.

(MOTHER: This is his God-self or higher self, his conscience. All his resources have been drained due to his own actions. He’s in a state of neediness & indecision like ‘what do I do next? {re Jane—do I see her or ignore her?}’)

It’s as if even his God-self is querulous whether we should meet – in real life She would want more than anything for us to get together because it’s the only way he can heal – but this shows his UNREADINESS, UNCERTAINTY, – being ‘on the fence.’)*

Jim is wearing the tweed jacket like the one I had him wear – a sign of affluence.

*(LOOKING AFFLUENT, A GOOD CATCH FOR MARRIAGE: This is only his FRONT, we shall see that inside, where people cannot detect, is another story. He is not affluent with joy, he is poor in spirit, an exhausted, drained person who drags a load of baggage behind him, in a pitiful, humiliating condition since or breakup.

TWEED JACKET: Symbol of how I dressed him up when I was promoting him, he looked like real class, a GQ gentleman.)*

But now I see him AFTER HOURS in his real condition – the face he showed in the day was a front. In other words, when I was pursuing him, loving him, he appeared as a GREAT SUCCESS—now he’s this.

He is dragging a cart like the one I have {that I have DISCARDED} but 2.5 times as big, made of criss cross metal, beige, full of unknown things. It’s HEAVY & he must drag it – I thought he had a HIGH PAYING JOB but his real work is dragging this cart each night laboriously, & it pays little. This job of his is HUMILIATING, not a lawyer but a cart-dragging grunt job. There are ropes around him to drag it. He is PITIFUL.

*(CART, HEAVY, DRAGGING, PITIFUL, HUMILIATING: This is Big Lover’s condition WITHOUT YOU.

The things in his cart don’t look heavy – they’re similar to the see-through boxes you were putting into your hair – they are physically light but this is saying the BURDEN is PSYCHOLOGICAL & IT’S DREARY.

He is burdened by the fact HE HAS LOST YOU. This is shown in the criss cross pattern of the cart – crossing out your liaison, this he is DRAGGING the way Marley {in Scrooge} dragged his CHAINS in the next life – the burdens HE HIMSELF CREATED IN LIFE by his sins.

Apparently Lover knows he did wrong in the way he treated you – you brought him all good – he chose the way of the devil; evil, sin & drugs & this is WEIGHING ON HIS CONSCIENCE, HE’S FEELING GUILT & REMORSE. That is his BAGGAGE, the heavy load one carries not physically but psychological, spiritual heaviness. One cannot enter heaven, or one cannot FLY with their soul into Heaven by the weight of their sins. {In the Egyptian Book of the Dead the soul is on a scale, on the other side of which is a feather. If it weighs more than the feather it cannot enter Heaven.}

YOU DISCARDED YOUR CART similar to this. This says you gave up the attachment, obsession re your relationship with Lover – his cart or baggage is 2.5 times as big, so much for his saying you were the bad guy chasing him all over town while he was trying to stay away from you.

COLOR, BEIGE, SORT OF GOLDENY: The cart tells many details, one being in its color. This gives up that he still loves you, is in love, that’s why it’s so heavy, humiliating, & pays little. He’s getting little profit of love from you—‘being paid little for a lot of humiliating work.’

Before, he was a LAWYER, a CLASS ACT when you were together, when you held him in high esteem, he received a lot of PROFIT from you loving him – you held him up before all his friends, the world, with your projects concerning him. Part of the respect was WHO YOU ARE – A celebrity among nobodies. He felt like a big deal – his friends also thought he was. Now no one gives him any accolades, except the drug users & losers on Face Book, losers like himself, all holding each other up, praising one another for doing their insignificant music – music which will never go anywhere, but they’re all in the same boat, all trying but getting nowhere, never will get anywhere, all deluded, all giving one another ‘likes’ & saying how HOT the work is, all HUMORING ONE ANOTHER.

Not so when you worked for him, praised him, actually had him on the way to stardom—he negated all you did for him, accused you of ‘exploiting’ him—thwarted your plans, your love, your hopes & dreams. Opted for a DRUG ENABLER, thought he’d take revenge on you refusing him sex – not speaking to you for a long while, thinking he didn’t need you, he’d be a star through his music—{no such possibility, never will be.}

Now years have gone by. He’s done nothing but drug himself & churn out the same music with his homo ‘producer’. He’s been doing this same deal for eleven years & not got anywhere; you’d think he’d learn? He’s still expecting the big time – magical thinking – that by some miracle Sony will see his songs, contact him, a lucrative contract, fame & fortune. He doesn’t have the slightest idea how show biz works or how to make it, the years are ticking by, since he rejected me has been 5 years – he’s gotten not one inch further, never will, he’s had his revenge, has it been sweet? This is the BAGGAGE he’s dragging, with the ROPES on him; he’s ATTACHED to this burden, this pain, this LOST OPPORTUNITY.)*

As for me I am preparing my hair. It’s too flat on top, I am adding some sort of like see-through boxes filled with hair clips, like what I have where I keep this stuff, three such boxes, but my friends say this is wrong. Then I try some sort of pale yellow puffy material with white puffs, to add to the top of my hair to build it up – that isn’t right either.

(PUFFING UP MY HAIR ARTIFICIALLY: These are things similar to the baggage Lover is dragging. I’m asking if I did wrong by stopping our meetings – should I feel guilty? The answer is no, you did the right thing, don’t add this to your mind.)

Earlier in the week had dreams of frustration, not being able to find where I put my white Caddy & not being able to get on the right road. I wanted to reach the city, there was a specific thing I had to do there, but when I set off I ended up on a road way into the country.

(FRUSTRATION DREAMS: These are the lack of getting together with Big Lover, whatever way he’s portrayed, to start our relationship / marriage.)

Earlier there was also a dream about Lover as Pablo, a lowlife Cretan—he wanted us to get together & enter this POND which looks beautiful at first, like a paradise, but then turns into a black whirlpool.

(PARADISE INTO BLACK WHIRLPOOL: This is when Lover uses me like a whore—he wants to do this again. The sex seems like paradise, but his ignoring me until the next time is Hell. He treats his drug enabler like the real wife, me like I’m nothing.)

OPEN LETTER TO MY LOVER BOY:

So you see I am spying on you. I can read your mind, I know how you feel. You can’t hide from me, you are vulnerable.

One question looms—have you had enough revenge? You wanted to hurt me for everything – every little thing I did to make you jealous instead of changing your ways & being right, you decided to hurt me twice as bad. You succeeded – then – it doesn’t hurt any more.

It doesn’t hurt because I grew spiritually, I overcame my desperation for you, I lifted myself out of it by the grace of God. But you didn’t. You are still hurting, & hurting badly. You are feeling remorse, regret, grief at what you lost. You thought you wouldn’t lose anything when you pushed me out, but you lost the entire good God sent to you.

What did you hope to gain? Applause from a bunch of homies – all losers, many druggies, none of them is a success or a high roller, they are small potatoes in a small town – where I found you & hoped to elevate you to the top note.

You had delusions that with this homo producer you’d become a star. Are you one inch closer? Who’s listening? And I might add, I’m listening. Your songs have deteriorated. They no longer have meaning & emotion. When you were with me you hit the high notes, now your songs have sunk into what? Not sure how to explain. A dreary nothingness. The life has gone out of you & so your songs.

Have you had enough revenge? I ask again. It isn’t hurting me any more. You praised your drug enabler, made her your wife. You put her out there as your one & only, me as a nothing – no praise, no thanks, nothing for me.

Your revenge is on you. What you did to hurt me hurts you. I am over it, I have moved on. Getting back my energy, my stardom, my self respect – so many things you drained me of, you & your demons.

Do I hate you? Not at all. I pity you & you are forgiven as if you did nothing wrong. I will still help you but you have to come to me, ask for help. You have to get off the drugs, but you cannot do it with the enabler, she’s as bad as you – your parents are in the same boat.

Do I need you in my life, like I did before? No, but you need me. Where will you get without me? Who will help you? There is no one near you or around you who can help in any way – they all need help, it’s the blind with the blind. You’re lost, they’re if not lost, just regular ordinary folk with nothing on their resume. They will not be in history books, they will be forgotten—the same fate calls you if you stay where you are.

College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

SWEDEN WAS RIGHT ON COVID

WHY SWEDEN WAS RIGHT ON COVID

FROM AJAX THE GREAT

We are sleeping with the enemy. It is warfare not against any country any more, it is the people – any people.

The policy in Sweden (which I had generally been rooting for all along) was to NOT do a lockdown at all, keep nearly everything open, and basically let the virus run its course (thus allowing herd immunity to develop) in the general population while also protecting the most vulnerable members of society. There were some very modest restrictions to “flatten the curve” a bit, such as banning gatherings over 500 people (later cut down to 50), and (belatedly) banning visitors to nursing homes, but everything else was just voluntary recommendations. And not only did they not require masks anywhere, they actually advised against them since they regarded masks as a false sense of security (the latter claim I am not sure if I agree with).

And while like many countries Sweden did make some regrettable mistakes along the way (particularly with their nursing homes in the earliest-hit areas), which they at least owned up to, their general light-touch policy ultimately paid off in the long run, being virtually virus-free now, with a cumulative per capita death toll still significantly lower than their lockdown counterparts of the UK, Belgium, Spain, Italy, or the ten worst states of the USA. And the Swedish second city of Malmo, who actually did a great job protecting their nursing homes, boasts a lower death rate than even Copenhagen, Denmark.

We can all learn a lot from Sweden and their moderate mitigation strategy.

Interestingly, Belarus also had an even laxer policy overall than Sweden, and one of the mildest outbreaks in the world in terms of death rates. End from Ajax the Great

…………………………………………………………

RESPONSE FROM RASA VON WERDER

They keep us under control by paying salaries to people – they get the salaries from our taxes – These are the people like military, police, bureaucrats, doctors, teachers, researchers, elected officials, etc. These are then told what to do to us, what to think, how to act, how to make us do things.

Do you wonder WHY Sweden had a policy different from any other country? Does it make you take note that they are NEUTRAL when it comes to WAR? They are outside the WAR ZONE & war machinery of the way the rest of the world is under the power of the WAR MONGERS?

And so, not being under the due influence of the war machinery this says they are able to act outside this system, they are not under its intimidation, they make righteous, pro-human decisions, policies. But what of the rest of the world?

The rest of the world is being ruled by the SHADOW GOVT, sometimes called ‘Illuminati,’ but they are much worse than the people imagine –more deadly, demonic & more ill-intentioned than any human can imagine.

This is the throne of Satan – “Satan is the Prince of this World” Jesus said – so it was thousands of years ago, so it is today. My watchword is “Satan rules the world, & he works through men,”—this is Patriarchy, why we work for Matriarchy.

This system, well, let’s say Satan, what Satan & his co-workers want for the human race: He wants UTTER DESTRUCTION. He has NO REDEEMING QUALITY. He is PURE EVIL & what he wants is to control humans, bring them into sin, have them lose their souls & enter Hell for all eternity.

This is what Patriarchy does: removes the LOVE out of life, albeit slowly, sneakily, covertly, but that is his intention. It’s done by taking away human rights, undoing all the good that has been done – like undermining the Constitution & all just laws, replacing all that is good with subhuman, cruel laws & policies, stripping people away from all their dignity, self worth, self determination—removing from us all that is righteous, filled with love, kindness, forgiveness, & replacing it with all that is demonic – SLOWLY BUT SURELY YOU SEE THEM ATTEMPTING TO TAKE AWAY ALL HUMAN RIGHTS, ALL JUST LAWS & ALL LOVE FROM OUR WORLD.

This Shadow Govt creates all the wars, the terrorism & all the new-fangled diseases on the planet. It’s not any longer Illuminati against Communists, Asians or Muslims, it is Illuminati, as it has always been, AGAINST ALL PEOPLE, AS SATAN IS, SO GOES ILLUMINATI.

The patriarchs / demonics bit by bit remove the love out of everything in our world, thereby removing the ‘salt from the earth’ & making it unpalatable

You wonder how this group of ‘persons’ infused by this spirit of the dark world can operate – by paying people off. By simply giving salaries to ignorant, benighted soldiers, sailors, police, govt officials, doctors & lawyers – researchers, any number of people in charge of others – simply PAYING THEM SALARIES, then IMPOSING THEIR POLICIES ON THEM, MAKING THEM OBEY FOR LARGE OR SMALL SUMS OF MONEY, & thereby they hold the rest of humanity IN THRALLDOM. Yes, this is how we are ENSLAVED BY SATAN, like poor factory farm animals, we are kenneled, controlled, bullied, intimidated & forced to do things we don’t want to do – top of which is PAY OBSCENE SUMS OF MONEY TO TAXES.

These diseases are manufactured & spread by them – it is biowarfare against the people. They created aids, ebola, sars & this – all the new esoteric diseases. They created & spread them, they have patents on them, they have the remedies patented & they do all this to create mayhem, destabilization, fear & insecurity to the people. I met doctors who are paid to research how the diseases are doing – they do it all with our tax money, destroy us with our tax money.

By Guru Rasa Von Werder 8-7-20

We have a right to be mad

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from AJAX THE GREAT again

Thank you very much, Rasa. Very well-said overall. You make a great point about how neutral countries like Sweden are not prone to the same tendencies as the war-mongers, hence their logically different approach to COVID-19 as well. Iceland too. Though that other famously neutral European country that starts with “S”, Switzerland, did do a lockdown at first, they reopened quicker than most other countries and ahead of their own schedule too. Speaking of which, I found a great site related to the latter country:

https://swprs.org/a-swiss-doctor-on-covid-19/

https://swprs.org/on-the-treatment-of-covid-19/

Indeed, these COVID lockdowns and related machinations in most countries and subnational entities (including the USA) do have all the fingerprints of the demonic patriarchy (and shadow government) all over them. And that is certainly no coincidence!

RASA SAYS: AJAX THE GREAT REALLY KNOWS WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT. HIS RESEARCH IS TOP NOTCH. SUCH A GREAT CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORK OF MOTHER GOD!

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

BEAT DEPRESSION

BEATING DEPRESSION

—written for a friend

1 FIND A PROFESSIONAL PERSON TO SPEAK TO IN TERMS OF TALK THERAPY – IF THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE, TRY AN AMATEUR WHO IS SYMPATHETIC, KIND, TO TALK TO EACH DAY FOR 15 MINUTES, SPEAKING WHATEVER IS ON HER MIND…………………………….

2 A FRIEND OF MINE WHO HAD NEGLECT FROM HER MOM SUFFERED FROM ‘ATTACHMENT DISORDER.’ SHE PAID A PROFESSIONAL WOMAN TO HOLD HER A HALF HOUR AT A TIME TWICE A WEEK. SHE SAYS IT HELPED TREMENDOUSLY. SHE NEEDED LOVE, ATTENTION, TO MAKE UP FOR THE TRAUMA OF HER MOM’S NEGLECT.

3 A ‘DEAR DIARY’ THERAPEUTIC WRITING SCENE WHERE SHE PUTS DOWN WHATEVER SHE’S THINKING / FEELING EACH DAY AS WELL AS A JOURNAL OF MEMORIES, GOOD & BAD – WHATEVER COMES TO MIND. THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT UNCOVERS HIDDEN TRAUMAS EVENTUALLY, WOUNDS OF THE PAST.

4 BEHIND YOUR HOUSE ARE TREES, MAYBE WOODS. LET HER WALK & SIT THERE EACH DAY DOING WHAT THEY CALL ‘FOREST BATHING.’ NATURE IS A HEALER.

5 MASSAGE: NOT JUST A RUBDOWN BUT A DEEP MASSAGE FROM HEAD TO TOE. THIS HAS MULTIPLE HEALING POINTS. ONE IS BOOSTS CIRCULATION. SECOND IT MOVES THE LYMPH GLANDS, WHICH ARE THE ‘SEWER SYSTEM’ OR CLEANSER OF THE BODY. THIRD, IT BOTH RELAXES & STIMULATES THE BODY. AND FOURTH, IT TRANSMITS ENERGY FROM THE GIVER TO THE CLIENT; IT TAKES AWAY FATIGUE & HOPEFULLY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS……IF YOU CANNOT FIND ANOTHER PERSON FOR THIS, WORK ON IT YOURSELF. I LEARNED TO MASSAGE EXPERTLY BY WORKING ON MY OWN BODY…….MASSAGE DEEPLY EVERY PART OF THE BODY YOU CAN REACH, FROM THE HEAD TO THE TOES. TAKE AS LONG AS YOU WISH, THE LONGER THE BETTER. DO A GOOD JOB ON THE FEET, THEY ARE AS IMPORTANT AS ANY PART OF THE BODY.

6 ‘SKETCH THERAPY’ – HAVE HER DO SIMPLE SKETCHES OF WHATEVER SHE FEELS LIKE EACH DAY, NOTHING FANCY, JUST WHATEVER COMES TO MIND. SOME OF THE CONTENTS OF HER UNCONSCIOUS WILL SURFACE & YOU MIGHT GET HINTS OF WHAT IS INSIDE THAT TROUBLE HER.

7 POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS: THESE ARE LIKE PRAYERS OR SELF HYPNOSIS, IT PROGRAMS THE MIND. WRITE OUT SERIES OF POSITIVE STATEMENTS & REPEAT THESE AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. THE EMOTIONS & BODY FOLLOW THE MIND, ‘AS A MAN THINKETH, SO IS HE.’

WHAT WE THINK AFFECTS THE EMOTIONS, WHAT WE FEEL AFFECTS THE BODY. THINKING NEGATIVE MAKES PEOPLE ILL – POSITIVE THOUGHTS MAKE THEM WELL. EXAMPLE, MENTAL/EMOTIONAL ABUSERS ATTACK THE VICTIM WITH NEGATIVITY, THE VICTIM BEGINS INTERNALIZING THESE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, SOMETIMES RESULTING IN ‘SELF HATE.’ SELF HATE IS THE WORST CONDITION TO HAVE, WHEN ONE HAS ‘THE DEMON OF SELF HATE’ THEY DON’T NEED ANY OTHER – THEY DESTROY THEMSELVES. {THE ABUSERS WANT TO DESTROY THE TARGET.}

SELF HATE MAKES A PERSON SABOTAGE ALL THEIR GOOD FORTUNE, THEIR RELATIONSHIPS & THEIR OPPORTUNITIES. IT MEANS A PERSON DOESN’T LOVE THEMSELVES. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF IN ORDER TO SUCCEED, TO BE HAPPY, TO PROSPER. THE OPPOSITE BODES DISASTER ON ALL LEVELS.

REMEMBER THAT WHEN A PERSON IS ABUSED EARLY IN LIFE, IT IS NOT JUST WORDS – ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. HOW THEY ARE TREATED IS A FORM OF ABUSE. BEING IGNORED, DISREGARDED, NEGLECTED ARE FORMS OF ABUSE OR LACK OF LOVE, THEY MAKE A PERSON FEEL WORTHLESS, WITHOUT VALUE. PEOPLE NEED AFFIRMATION FROM OTHERS, ESPECIALLY THOSE CLOSEST TO THEM EARLY IN LIFE.

8 HYPNO-THERAPY OR HYPNOSIS: ONE MUST FIND A PERSON THAT UNDERSTANDS MANY THINGS – A BAD HYPNOTHERAPIST WILL NOT HELP. THERE AREN’T MANY AROUND. I AM A HYPNOTHERAPIST WHO HAS HELPED MANY, I’M VERY GOOD WITH DEPRESSION. YOU HAVE TO DISCOVER WHAT IS TROUBLING THE PERSON & GIVE ALL THE POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS, SUGGESTIONS, TO THEM, WHILE THEY ARE UNDER.

YOU REVIEW THEIR EXPERIENCES & ASSIST THEM TO SEE THE PAST IN A POSITIVE LIGHT. THIS IS CALLED ‘REFRAMING.’ I HAVE ALWAYS GOTTEN SUCCESS WITH THIS, THE PEOPLE TELL ME THEY ‘WALK ON AIR’ WHEN WE ARE DONE.

YOU HELP PEOPLE HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE BY BOOSTING THEIR FAITH, HOPE & CONFIDENCE. HELP THEM SEE LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, THE PAST WAS MEANT TO BE, GOOD CAME OUT OF IT, WHAT WAS BAD IS FORGIVEN & THEN BECOMES IRRELEVANT. HOWEVER, ONE OF THE KEY POINTS OF THESE THERAPIES IS ONE MUST UNCOVER WHAT IS FESTERING INSIDE, WHAT IS HIDDEN THAT HURTS, – THE WOUNDS THAT HAVE NEVER HEALED, THE PAINS THAT CAUSED RIGHTEOUS ANGER, AN ANGER WHICH HAS TURNED TO SORROW & DEPRESSION, NOT WANTING TO LIVE ANY MORE.

9 NATURAL HERBS ST. JOHN’S WORT, ASHWAGANDHA & L-TYROSENE {LOTS IN TURKEY MEAT} ARE THREE I HAVE ON HAND. YOU WON’T FEEL MUCH IF ANYTHING UNLESS YOU TAKE AT LEAST 3 PILLS OF THE STRONGEST - 300 MG OF ST. JOHN’S, 5 PREFERABLY. IF UNDER SUPER STRESS YOU CAN TAKE 10-15 OR EVEN MORE PILLS, IT WILL NOT HURT YOU. I WAS TAKING 15 ST. JOHN’S PRIOR TO EACH LAZER BEAM EYE SURGERY, MY FACE WAS FLUSHED WAS THE ONLY SYMPTOM – IT OBVIOUSLY INCREASED CIRCULATION TO MY HEAD.

THERE ARE MANY STRESS REDUCING HERBS, CHECK SWANSON CATALOGS: 800–437–4148 — BOX 2803 FARGO, ND 58108-2803 – THIS IS THE CO I USE TO GET ALL MY VITAMINS & SUCH, THEY ARE THE CHEAPEST FOR QUALITY MATERIAL

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POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS TO BE REPEATED OVER & OVER:

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, MY LIFE IS VALUABLE

I AM VALUABLE, I HAVE A PURPOSE, I WILL REACH MY GOALS

THERE IS MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO

MY LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

I AM JOYFUL & HAPPY BECAUSE GOD LOVES ME

GOD CREATED ME TO BE HAPPY

GOD WANTS ME TO ENJOY MY LIFE

GOD WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY ON EARTH AS WELL AS IN HEAVEN

THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO BE GLUM, BLUE OR UNHAPPY, LIFE IS GOOD

LIFE IS HERE TO BE LIVED, NOT DENIED

THERE ARE GOOD THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO

I WILL RECEIVE ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE

WONDERFUL THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO ME

I CAN NEVER FAIL, LIFE IS CONTINUOUS LEARNING, GOOD OR BAD

ALL THINGS TURN OUT FOR GOOD

I HAVE FAITH & HOPE IN GOOD

EVERY DAY IS CHRISTMAS

LOVE IS COMING MY WAY

I AM ENGULFED IN LOVE, TRUTH & BLISS

MIRACLES ARE COMING MY WAY, I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE THEM

GOD IS A GOD OF MIRACLES, SHE CREATES THEM EVERY SECOND – LOOK AT THE UNIVERSE. SHE HAS MIRACLES IN STORE FOR ME, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BELIEVE.

GOD CREATED ME FOR HAPPINESS. NO FORCE IN THE WORLD CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, IF I RESIST THE EVIL.

I TURN A DEAF EAR TO ALL EVIL SAID ABOUT ME.

I TURN A BLIND EYE TO THOSE WHO HATE ME, I FIND THEM IRRELEVANT.

MY ABUSERS WERE WRONG, I SHUN THEM, WALK AWAY FROM THEM, I DO NOT AFFIRM THEM, HOLD THEM UP TO ESTEEM OR HONOR. I SEE THEM AS THEY ARE & REMOVE THEM FROM MY MIND.

I DO NOT DWELL ON THE NEGATIVE, ON WORRIES OR FEARS. I TRUST IN THE LORD TO TAKE CARE OF ALL MY NEEDS.

GOD IS A LOVING GOD WHO HEARS EACH PRAYER. I ASK GOD TO PROTECT ME, WATCH OVER ME & TAKE ME TO MY GREATEST GOOD……

MORE THERAPIES:

10 HAVE THE CARE GIVER READ TO THE CLIENT FROM SPIRITUAL BOOKS, ESPECIALLY ON THE VIRTUES OF FAITH, HOPE, & CONFIDENCE.

11 READ TO THE CLIENT FROM LIVES OF THE SAINTS – HOW THEY OVERCAME GREAT OBSTACLES, THEIR VICTORIES, THEIR VIRTUES, HOW THEY PREVAILED IN TRIALS. TRY ST TERESA OF AVILA, ST CATHERINE THE GREAT, ST FAUSTINA, ST PADRE PIO, ST FRANCIS OF ASSISI, — ALL SAINTS HEROICALLY CONQUERED TRIALS WITH VIRTUES, ESPECIALLY THE VIRTUES OF FAITH, HOPE, CONFIDENCE & CHARITY.

12 PICTURE GAZING: FIND PICTURES THAT ARE PLEASING TO THE CLIENT, SUCH AS NATURE & ANIMALS, MAKE A COLLECTION EITHER PHYSICALLY OR ON THE INTERNET & GO THROUGH THEM EVERY DAY. THESE CAN BE ON THE MANY CALENDARS YOU HAVE. MAKE A PILE – HAVE HER LOOK AT THEM.

13 THE AFFIRMATIONS: THE CLIENT SAYS AFFIRMATIONS AT VARIOUS TIMES, SUCH AS BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP OR UPON WAKING UP, WHILE SITTING AROUND DOING NOTHING. BUT ON TOP OF THAT SIT DOWN WITH THE CLIENT & WRITE DOWN EVERY POSITIVE AFFIRMATION YOU BOTH CAN THINK OF. READ FROM THIS LIST TO THE CLIENT OUT LOUD – ALSO HAVE HER READ FROM IT OUT LOUD EVERY DAY. THE AFFIRMATION WHICH CALLS ON MIRACLES IS VERY EFFECTIVE.

8-5-20 by Rasa Von Werder

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

REALITY TV SHOW FOR RASA

REALITY TV SHOW FOR RASA

& YOU COULD BE IN IT!

What I have been planning & hoping for for years finally happened. I got contacted by a company that casts Reality TV Shows & indeed, after hours of conversation & video interviews, they have chosen me.

This show will be about unusual older people – men & women – women who are great athletes in old age, cougars in their 70’s with men in their 20’s – people who are different, exciting & others think they’re ‘crazy.’

We’re now fleshing out the show with other characters of my acquaintance, friends who know me, people who make interesting characters who can possibly be part of the production.

If you know me & are interested in being on my show, contact me with all your details – name, how you know me, your e mail & phone, & send it to RasaVonWerder@yahoo.com.

I will explain some of the scenes & events I plan for the show in the near future. There will be serious aspects to my presentation, there will be ridiculous, funny scenes & events. Just a hint now on one project, a Senior Body Beautiful Contest. If this interests anyone, let me know. There will be prizes for ALL entrants.

There will be a NUDIST event. I will explain later. If anyone wants to be in a nudist event, contact me.

There will also be a serious note – myself with women only, as their Guru, explaining the New Religion for women only. Contact me if you want to be part of this.

And, take the rest of the day off.

Rasa Von Werder 7-11-20

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

LOVE, SEX & MARRIAGE

YOUNG GIRLS LEAVE HIM COLD

RANDOM, EMPTY SEX NOT

SATISFYING

6-28-20-BEVY OF YOUNG GIRLS LEAVES HIM SAD & FORLORN–EMPTY

MANY DREAMS OF JUNE 2020

Dreams interpreted for friends

I see lover Donzy sitting in a private sort of closet/room, it’s long with a padded bench along the entire wall – it seems to be about 10’ long & maybe 4’ deep. He’s sitting there against the wall when a young female reaches over a wall to the right, {the wall is rather high, you’d have to be on something to look over} leans over & asks to see his dick.

(ASKS TO SEE HIS DICK, YOUNG FEMALE: It’s all about his dick, how large it is. How many times does this have to happen before it gets old? How often does a sexy person get hit on before it gets annoying—being seen as just a sex object? He is young, handsome & huge dicked & can have so many young females—BUT THEY ARE NOT TURNING HIM ON. Most men think they want hundreds of women. But when hundreds of women hit on him then what?)

He has it out. I look at it, looks like it is – large, but not hard. Then a second girl looks over the top of this wall next to the first & also asks to see it, & goes further. It was soft, but she touches it & holds it & it gets semi-hard, like half of it on the bottom is swollen but on top it isn’t.

(TOUCH MAKES IT HALF HARD: Even when he is touching, petting or doing sex with one of these girls, he isn’t fully excited.)

During this episode he looks BORED. Then another girl appears this time inside his room, & she’s prettier than the first two, like curly blonde hair & her breasts are small but very full & with nipples somewhat protruding. This interests him & for a few seconds–he sucks on her right breast, the one closest to him—then falls back like he loses interest—this lasted 3 seconds.

(HER BREAST INTERESTS HIM FOR 3 SECS: The breast is a symbol of nurturing & love, motherhood. He needs this sort of love, but this is a young girl & she does not fulfill the image of what he wants & needs – a real mother.)

Other females appear, all the same thing. Then a male comes in through the door in back, stands there looking at them, takes out his little dick & masturbates. Donzy doesn’t like that.

(OTHER MALE MASTURBATES LOOKING AT THIS: Other males, who don’t have what Donzy has, are not as popular, do not get so many women, & perhaps most of all, do not have a need for a mother as strong as he has – they get turned on by anything sexual & by young females.)

Then another one intrudes & similar story, Donzy feels overwhelmed how to stop them. He is bored by the females, annoyed by the males & feels invaded.

(FEELS INVADED: This is not the scene he wants, random sex, being seen by so many girls as object—they want him, but he doesn’t want them.)

Furthermore, during this time his face changes. First it’s blank, it becomes more GAUNT or HAGGARD - he goes from his age to like 20 years older, thin, dark shadowy creases on his face. He looks empty, depressed, like what is happening here is meaningless.

*(FACE GETS OLDER, GAUNT & HAGGARD: I’m going to turn this interpretation over to Mother God, as She will express it better than I can:

She: This is the situation over a period of time from the day he started dealing with girls until now.

Because of what he went through during his growing years, he needs a mother. His mother betrayed & abandoned him emotionally. There’s a big hole in his soul for true love & protection.

He’s always been attracted to older women, but his ‘front’ doesn’t show this – he’s never gone public with his preference except when dating you, it was revealed to some degree.

He’s been with the young girls continuously now for years – this shows his decreasing interest in them – he’s now fed up with this empty sex – me as sex object – just physical. He’s seen acutely how unsatisfied he is by these transactions – they simply do not stimulate or satisfy his heart, he’s fed up.

The dream does not point this out, but this is part of his awakening to what he wants & needs & what he does not. What he does not are young, immature, inexperienced, weak females who are as needy & naive as he is.

What he wants is the older woman who loves in true love, cares, nurtures, is able to satisfy his emotional, spiritual as well as physical needs. The empty females can only satisfy his body – which is here portrayed as not turning him on any more – he needs love & it your love he needs.

And so, he has come to a point where he is aware of how empty life is without you.)*

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6-25-20-HES MY GIGOLO SHE SAYS-HE CHOOSES HER

HES BACK TO ME-LOVES ME

I AM THE TRUE WIFE BECAUSE MY LOVE IS SACRIFICIAL

Interpreted for a friend

There’s a big thing about my Lover Ben. I’ve been away for a while & while I was gone he was inundated with two types of aggressive people – a group of gays who started with literature, then presented themselves & wouldn’t leave him alone, & second, one female who gives him a stack of brochures that means ‘I want you’ which I tear up & throw back at her.

Once I’m back to his side I am fighting all these people. First the gays. It’s like day after day. Like demons, they come back again & again. I fight them off. Then on the last occasion there are five of them & they are so persistent I can’t do any more, I cry at the top of my voice {which seams weakened} for help – & help I believe comes, as they are banished. As I’m fighting lover is sitting in the seat to my right – they are to my left, front, trying to get to him.

(FIGHTING GAYS: Ben did have a few determined gays after him, who I did fight & seemed to deter at least for a while. According to this, I was overwhelmed, called for God’s help & it came.)

After I’d gone & returned, sat next to him, all his friends to the right saw it & noticed. Not much reaction.

But when the female comes, stands in front to my left looking at him, tall, curly light brown hair, an eager look on her face {she is nice} & I tear up the brochures, it’s an emotional act.

(BROCHURES: Are like advertisements, proposals. She is offering him herself – I interfere. I don’t know who this refers to as he ‘dated’ several females & had sex with numerous ones.)

I am exhausted from the struggles.

Recall one time going with him to the building where he lives, finding more intrusive mail in his mail box, something about the bottom of a large cardboard envelope falling off, I already dispatched the main part & see it lying on the floor – he says its nothing, just a scrap.

(NOTHING, JUST A SCRAP HE SAYS: He pooh poohed all the women he was flirting with while we were together)

$IMG_8339 { FLAT$ $IMG_8339 { FLATPIX$

Then it becomes two of us, a female to his right, myself to his left, & it’s like we have won over everyone else, but it’s two of us. We are both holding him by the arm marching to his place. She then begins chanting,

“He’s my gigolo, he’s my gigolo-He’s mine.”

So many times I lean over the front of him & punch her in the midsection again & again. He stops my arm & says,

“She’s mine.”

(HE’S MY GIGOLO: She bought him with substances. He knew they are evil, using them leads to dire consequences, he knew I wanted health & safety for him, but he chose this.)

I then think I guess he’s made his choice, I might as well leave, let go his arm & begin walking away.

*(HE WALKS WITH BOTH OF US HOLDING HIS ARMS FOR A WHILE but when he says ‘she’s mine,’ I let go & walk away.

For a while both of us were with him but I finally stopped seeing him. When he says ‘she’s mine’ he presented her, but not me, as his relationship woman on social media.)*

Prior to that when it was the three of us sort of hanging out – fighting off everyone else, some time had passed & he was no longer the beautiful man I once lauded.

His face is distorted & the skin on his face is thick made of nothing but white tablets {sort of under translucent skin, hard to explain} going every which way that mean ‘drugs,’ his nose is ugly, his teeth are totally crooked, leaning on top of each other; I think how hard it will be for dentistry to straighten them.

*(HE TURNS UGLY: This is inner ugliness. His physical remained the same, but his thought patterns, feelings, decisions, activities were ugly.

His persona is DISTORTED which means not righteous, not the right way to live.

TEETH CROOKED: Stupidity, anti wisdom, as teeth in this case are being wise/smart.

ENTIRE FACE WHITE PILLS GOING EVERY WHICH WAY: White pills could be cocaine, & he is ugly with the desire & use of it – it’s become one with him, he is possessed by it, the woman he chose & cocaine are synonymous, he is an ugly persona now.)*

I think to myself does he realize how ugly he’s gotten? He should look in the mirror – how could I desire him looking this way? I don’t. I muse about his former beauty. Will he look at his old images I took & then realize the difference or is he blind? He looks gruesome.

(UGLY, GREUSOME: He was never this addicted to drugs before, this is extreme & he is not aware how ugly his inner self has gotten.)

TIME PASSES, NEXT DREAM

He is alone with me in my small apt – it only has 3 small rooms, in front of me is a blue door, paint chipped in vertical stripes. I am poor.

(BLUE DOOR, I AM POOR: I am poor emotionally, the one I love is not with me.)

He appears, wearing maybe an army green tight shirt & he holds me in his arms saying,

“I love you”

and this several times. I am not as quick to say I love you back, but I do.

*(THIS ROOM IN THE MIDDLE: The dream will show a room where my small daughter is {the flesh} & another room to the right – this being the middle is the inner self or HEART. We meet in our hearts, n his heart he loves me in true love, right now, realizing this love more than ever – but I’m holding back as I don’t trust him too much, he’s hurt me so much so many times. The

ARMY GREEN SHIRT: Might say he’s been through a lot of battles these years.)*

I was going to start making love with him right then but my small daughter opens that blue door & sees us, so I can’t. I think ‘here he sees me in my poverty. Is he OK living with me here?’

*(DAUGHTER OPENS DOOR: This inner room where I am is the soul, the God Self, the real me, while the daughter is the flesh, the place where the soul is housed & functions.

There has been a great battle between myself & my flesh, my Higher Self telling my flesh to back off, leave him alone – I even threatened to kill her if she went out with him again, & I did kill her with the heart attacks.

Here we are communing on the higher/deeper spiritual level, & my flesh witnesses it – that he loves me in true love now, prior to that he was playing games although the real love was deep inside.

My emotional poverty – being all alone, having no one – will that put him off? That is to say, I am no longer trying to be popular, he has no competition. Do I fear he’ll take me for granted?)*

Then we’re in the garage at the old farm house. We are working on things with wood. He wants to make sure I know he loves me, but he adds,

“Just don’t look in the attic.”

*(DON’T LOOK IN THE ATTIC: The attic is where all old things are stored, mementoes, things no longer used, antiques, memories. He dreads that I will recall all the horrible things he did to me – the cruelties. He’s saying don’t go there, don’t recall, don’t let what I did stand between us. Cruel item for example: He has never given me his phone number, but he gives it to every female he meets in bars.

…………………………………………………………….

6-24-20-MY DOG DOES WRONG

Interpreted for someone else.

I realize now this dog is my lover Ben.

I am on an excursion through the woods at the old farm house. It was a sort of ‘deep road’ through the woods in a circle, navigating it took about one hour. In much of it, both sides had ‘walls’ of dirt. Have no idea who created it long ago. If you went straight on one part of it halfway into the circle you went to the other side of the woods, where ran a highway {strangely exactly like where I live, everything on this old farm I bought parallels the old farm I spent half my youth on.}

So here I go on a sled with my dog running with me – He’s a German shepherd but pure white beautiful elegant dog.

This journey is so pleasant. The sled slides on the road as if it was pure ice or hard snow – it seems to know the way like it’s alive, so even when we come to a sharp turn left & it might keep going straight & veer off into a body of water to the right – a lake in the dream I guess – it goes along the road as if it has intelligence, & I’m enjoying the ride immensely—great fun.

(ROAD, RIDE, PLEASANT: This represents a mental path I go on which leads to psychic visions or revelations. My mind is used to this sort of thought pattern & it’s easy & automatic for me.)

We get to the other side, Whitey & I, & come upon a Post Office with a counter & a lady that reminds me of the one I had ages ago who died—she was so nice to me.

(POST OFFICE: There’s a MESSAGE or revelation here.)

After chatting with her a moment we leave this counter, which is open to the outside & it is then I notice the two DEERS reclining on the counter, both young & beautiful & wearing identical soft, thin neckbands that look like Christmas – green with small speckled decorations of red & other colors.

(TWO DEER WITH XMAS NECK BANDS: The revelation is this: Ben was given AS A GIFT a choice of TWO WOMEN—both of whom love him.)

For some reason the deer that is closer to the front jumps off the counter & runs & Whitey chases her. This is wrong, but I now he won’t hurt her, he’s just playing. But others don’t see it that way. I try to stop him & chase them both up the highway back toward where we came from when we come to a crossroad.

*(SHE JUMPS, RUNS, HE CHASES HER: My dog is Ben. He is Whitey because this is about marriage/relationship—he is the groom in white. One of the deer-women runs & he CHASES HER – which is wrong. He has chosen THE WRONG FEMALE FOR A RELATIONSHIP—the other woman, not me.

“I KNOW HE IS JUST PLAYING” – means I know his intentions are not serious, he’s playing like a player plays—he’s not playing ‘for keeps’ or with sincere intentions.

CROSSROAD: But there is a serious cross or problem coming up because of his choice.)*

There a man comes out holding something long which I fear is a gun. I warm him,

“Don’t kill my dog or I will kill you.”

He says,

“I’m not going to kill him, just whack him hard.”

I feel he wants to teach Whitey a lesson.

The man seems to come out of a house & his wife is behind him. I don’t know what his connection with this situation is.

*(MAN WITH WEAPON IN HIS HANDS comes out of a house, wife behind him: I sense this is a man sent by God – whoever he may be – it would be a karmic penalty, the wrath of God put upon Whitey. The fact that this is a house with a husband & wife & the wife is behind him could be saying,

“We represent a serious marriage or relationship, & this person is playing games.”

‘If you kill him I’ll kill you,’

shows that even though Whitey has made a mistake, against me, I’m still protecting his life – it’s True Love. I did not wish revenge.

“NOT GOING TO KILL HIM, JUST WHACK HIM HARD”: This is saying that the problem, at this ‘crossroad’ or cross, will hit Ben really hard. The only clue I have as to what has or will hit Ben is the

ROD OF STEEL, WITH RIDGES: It reminds me of railroad ties, that fit together, taken apart, one might look this way, with ridges, except this piece is thicker, heavier like iron but grey & shiny like steel & shorter than a railroad tie—maybe 2.5’.

What would a railroad represent? Mother God, help.

She: Railroad is TRAVEL.

Me: OK, who’s traveling or who’s going somewhere?

She: When there’s travel someone leaves, sometimes leaving another behind. This designates a ROUGH DEPARTURE OR SPLIT UP with the woman he was chasing. The

THREE SIDES, RIDGES: of the rod represent a conflict where there is his side, her side & the truth. They have a problem where they aren’t happy. He sees his side, she hers, & God sees the TRUTH.

Me: What is the truth?

She: He chose the wrong woman, the one that would take him downward instead of up, it’s like selling your soul to the devil – he said he had in a poem. She held onto him by negative, harmful means – they were both wrong & the liaison was destined to end in misery, — that’s the hard whack at the crossroad.)*

But I do see what is in his hands – it’s a sort of heavy dark grey steel rod, with ridges on 3 sides. As he holds it menacingly I am hoping he does not do damage to my dog like hit him in the head – & that’s where this dream ends.

*(“DON’T KILL HIM” & I continue to worry about the injury this rod will produce. This is the classic example of the decision King Solomon had to make, where two women each claimed maternity over an infant. Solomon testing them saying he would cut the child in half for each one, & one woman cried

“Don’t do that – let her have it, don’t do harm to the child.”

And Solomon said,

“There is the mother.”

The test for who will get this man is the one who will sacrifice him or give him up if it means saving his life. The other woman didn’t care if she harmed him, she would keep him while hurting him. But if this ROD or PUNISHMENT would lead to his DEATH I am saying

“Let the other woman have him if the penalty is death. Don’t kill him as a punishment.”

And so, I am the true Mother/Wife—the one who cares enough to sacrifice him in order to save him.)*

………………………………………………………..

EX LOVER CHANGES HIS TUNE

6-22-20-ELVIS TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF

2^ND—MY DOGS NEED HELP

Interpreted for friends

This is extremely unusual. I am looking from afar & hearing that Elvis wants to kill himself. He has a gun, he’s going to do himself in by putting it in his mouth, pointed toward his brain, & pull the trigger.

Everyone hears about this & it’s treated like a crime to be committed. As I said I am afar, like in the air looking down at the streets of the area where he is.

*(I AM LOOKING FROM THE AIR: My God Self is perceiving what is going on.

ELVIS: Is lover Henry. MomGod, explain why he would be Elvis.

She: You once adored him as you did Elvis, put him on a pedestal, made him into a star {in your mind.}

ELVIS WANT TO KILL HIMSELF: The state of lover Henry’s mind—despair.}*

I see police gather to prevent this crime – many, like a hundred, & they are spread out on the street & in & near his dwelling, some wearing helmets (is one yellow?), rather different uniforms.

(POLICE, DIFFERENT UNIFORMS, one has a yellow helmet: Police are usually ANGELS. This says a large number of them have appeared to help Henry not fall into the abyss. They are of different types against various negative thoughts & feelings – the one with yellow helmet might be against Henry’s COWARDICE, fear, losing hope.)

The police are there also to keep people away. They are gathering, as many have heard about this & is it curiosity?

*(PEOPLE ‘HAVE HEARD ABOUT THIS—CURIOSITY—police keep them away: Mother God, I am stumped. What does this say?

She: Most if not all of his friends are negative, & all or most of them are against his relationship with you. The angels want to keep him away from all negative people so they don’t drive him lower or advise him badly in his despair, saying things like,

“Oh, you’ll get over it….The woman you think you love is all wrong for you….don’t contact her….the one you have is right, she’s your age….don’t lose what you have….don’t take a chance contacting this woman you think you love – it isn’t love, it’s insanity, etc.”)*

But I see the street or alley behind his building is empty – completely empty – no cars, no people, no nothing. I wanted to get closer to Elvis – not sure why. This street or alley seems to have a black pavement – has a look or texture of tar – but when I go there I don’t feel any effect of tar, just a normal road, & I am the only person there & the police don’t bother me.

*(EMPTY STREET LIKE TAR {but I don’t feel the tar}: This explains why Elvis wants to kill himself. It’s a theme we’ve seen again & again. They alley behind your apt where Lover would call for you. It’s now empty, nothingness, {you’re never there} & paved in

TAR: Tar is HELL. Elvis/Henry is in the HELL OF DESPAIR from NOT SEEING YOU. HE FEELS SUICIDAL this dream says – so bad that 100 angels – no doubt sent by you – are attending to him.)*

I descend from my place ‘in the sky’ to go to this street & in the next moment I’m in the room with Elvis facing him.

Suddenly he’s not a far away star, more like an intimate friend, & I’m speaking to him not to kill himself. I say,

“Your fans would be terribly hurt, including myself, & this lady over here” –

There was a female sitting in a chair behind him, with pretty curly hair, smiling, & she agreed with what I said. It’s like she’s sitting in an audience while El would be on stage, me close to him.

I saw an image of him earlier like this: He was an image like a poster, there are green vertical stripes on him, like a 50’s style jacket & his penis is portrayed like a small green funnel, about 4” long, hollow but filled with water, & on top the water makes a curve, like indentation—like this sign not standing but horizontal: (

The place El is in becomes a hospital of sorts, with the cops being the attendants or medical staff. The whole thing perplexes me. I am frustrated with the police, thinking they are supposed to be doing something else. They seem to be acting like he’s in a hospital & they must periodically give him meals, that’s about it.

*(HOSPITAL: Place of healing. The angels are healing Henry of despair & wanting to die .

MEALS: Would be NOURISHMENT or positive energy.)*

One of the meals is regular, but under & in front of the meal closer to me, are pieces of pork, half of it fat, half meat, many pieces & it’s agreed that this is too much for him—this was one of several meals.

(TOO MUCH PORK, MEAT: There are things that Henry cannot DIGEST – Meat represents grownup food spiritually. Milk & sweets represent baby food that makes you grow when you are young, consolation. But MEAT could be hardship, the food for adults, which says here that THE PAIN HE IS NOW EXPERIENCING IS TOO MUCH FOR HENRY TO BEAR.)

He seems to be ‘moving ahead’ with the service given him by these police/medics, like going from this room to this then that, in a sense, coming closer to me, but I’m moving with him.

(MOVING ROOM TO ROOM CLOSER TO ME BUT WITH ME: He is becoming more intimate & open toward me by the ministration of the angels.)

The entire time we are chatting. I asked him why he wanted to kill himself & he gave me an answer I’m having trouble recalling. Can Mother God or any saint or angel help me bring it back?

It was something like life was not worth living any more, but I don’t recall why. {The dream explains why, my absence.}

He does say,

“I should have given you a large sum of money but I didn’t, now it’s too late” {he’s going to die.}

In the dream he’s the real Elvis, wealthy as can be, while I am just a poor girl. And indeed, this implies we were close & he gave me nothing.

*(MONEY: Can represent anything of VALUE – resources. In Shakespeare’s play Othello:

“Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, Is the immediate jewel of their souls: Who steals my purse steals trash; ’tis something, nothing; ‘Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands: But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him And makes me poor indeed.”

In this scene, rich Elvis/Henry had the POWER to honor me publicly, to tell the world it was me whom he loved. But he gave me NOTHING, he left me in emotional poverty.

Now that he has LOST ME he regrets not giving me RECOGNITION—a GOOD NAME before society—honoring me would be the most valuable thing he could have given me.)*

In the last scene somehow he’s been liberated from this hospital & walking with me – he seems smaller. We go to a small variety store; it sells food, other things. He then sees in the corner a counter for a BANK & seizes the opportunity to make up for the past. He’s going to write me a check for a large sum of money. I guess he did not have his checkbook so he needs to get a blank check from them with his account number. He HURRIES because he wants to do this, in his mind, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

*(GOES TO BANK TO WRITE ME A CHECK: This is his intention, in his mind, to give me the recognition he denied me – as the woman he loves. The

SMALL VARIETY STORE: Could be social media like face book that has all sorts of items on it.

WALKING WITH ME, OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: Says the angels have cured his despair & convinced him we are still together. He now intends to present me, give me the recognition he denied me, give me the relationship & show it publicly.

Nothing has happened, but this says it’s in his mind. He wants to do this before its too late, he fears he might lose me.

BANK IN THE CORNER: This area in the store reminds me of the spot on the left corner of FB where is the ‘in a relationship’ spot. This says he intends to put me there, acknowledge we’re together.)*

…………………………………………………….

MY DOGS NEED HELP

I have been away a couple days & anxious about my dogs, are they OK, do they have food, are they free to run in the kennel or outside? {Sometimes in dreams my dogs, especially Gagee Boy {a Rottie}, are closed up in the cellar, & that would be bad for too long.}

I see Gagee Boy there in a sort of ‘loft’ area in my place, looking at his plate full of dry dog food & for some strange reason, digging for sugar.

*(GAGEE BOY: I found out in my recent dreams is me, my inner sense & digging for

SUGAR: is looking for love, affection. In the South when Mamma wants a kiss she says to her child, ‘Gimme some sugar.’ I’m in need of physical love.)*

I look for Fruitcake {A German Shepherd} & find him outside, quite miserable. He had been FREE, running the streets in this pleasant suburban area – I see trees all around. But someone did not like his gadding about & put him on a HEAVY CHAIN, it’s long – maybe 15’, but heavy enough to hold a large bull. He’s lying on the sidewalk crying, with the chain all crumpled around him. I go to him & unclip the chain from his neck.

*(FRUITCAKE: I found out in the last dreams also that this is my lover Henry. Gagee Boy vs Henry is Gagee boy, the Rotty, was strong, dominant & aggressive. That represents me in this relationship.

Fruitcake, the Shepherd, was sweet, had been hurt badly by a previous owner {who left him on the street near my house on Easter Sunday, so the first name that came to my mind for him was Fruitcake}, was timid & insecure, handsome, with a heart of gold. This is lover Henry.

Although the Rotty dominated Fruitcake & even pushed him around, once another dog was grabbing his food & he heard Fruitcake crying terribly. Gagee came around the house running & beat this other dog – a Coon Hound, so badly, the hound had to have 70 stitches.

These two dogs now exemplify lover Henry & myself. What I like about this it’s saying Henry has a heart of gold, in spite of his failures – & that’s what counts.

THE HEAVY CHAIN, FRUITCAKE IS CRYING: Lover Henry got himself into a mess, naively, thinking he was taking the right road. He got himself into a relationship which is here portrayed as A HEAVY CHAIN which makes him miserable.

This portrays me unhooking the chain. But what this means in time & space reality I have no idea, as physically, nothing has happened. It must be in his mind.)*

…………………………………………………..

6-18-20-MAN COMFORTS ME I HIM (My lover John is in great misery due to our separation)

6-17-20-I STOP MAN JUMPING OUT WINDOW (Lover John feels desperate but regains hope about our togetherness)

6-16-20-I BLOCK MY GOD SELF (When I doubt God I lose touch with her & sink into my miserable flesh)

6-20-20-SAINT & ANGELS COME TO MY AID (I call to saints & angels in my need, many answer my call, including, surprisingly, lover John. He’s not an angel so this is him as a ‘saint’

Interpreted for friends – It’s no one you know

Man comforts me, I him: I’m in my room by the window – don’t know which residence. Looking out the window I feel kind of LOST, unwanted, and lonely. The feeling is no one wants me or cares about me, I am all alone.

A strange thing happens. A man comes barreling up the alley behind my window on what I thought was a motorcycle. He’s amazing looking. He puts his hand on my window cill when he stops & I put my hand on his. An amazing sense of warmth passes through our hands. Not sure whose warmth goes first, but it goes both ways. We disengage & moments later we touch hands again.

*(MAN: Lover John, the warmth we shared, the emotions, both sexual & spiritual. He comforted me, I him. We needed each other, we were & are in love. He speaks to me mystically when our bodies are apart.)

He is beautiful & sexy in a macho way. His hair is waist length, jet black, shiny & sleek, it hangs not in dred locks but in curly strands, amazingly long. There’s something real sexy about this hair.

*(SEXY HAIR: I am stumped. Calling on Mother God for help.

She: It’s the way he THINKS, his personality that comes from his thoughts & feelings, his mindset. You found this extremely sexy.)*

His arms are exposed, they are totally covered with tattoos, very attractive—his arms seem muscular. He’s wearing large sunglasses, wrap around, they cover much of his face so I can’t see too much of that.

*(ARMS TATTOOS, MUSCULAR ATTRACTIVE: Stumped again, Mother God.

She: Tattoos are pictures, messages. Again, it’s the messages in his ‘arms of love,’ his desire for you – one of those guys who ‘talks with his hands.’ Arms as you know are the strength to love, hands are giving of it.)*

This revelation surprises me. Then I see the man standing strangely looking with his back to the main street, he’s across the alley looking what to him is straight, to me is left. He’s doing NOTHING, just standing with maybe his hands in pockets, just a plain standing, nothing happening. His body is covered by sort of strange clothes with some sort of head covering. Colors are brown, the shirt is tucked into his pants.

I call to him & he comes over to me. I want to see what he looks like. My contact with this man has been emotional & now it gets moreso when I see his state.

He has on a MASK & he moves the mask to show me his face & somehow, THERE IS NO FACE. This is hard to describe but I now realize something really serious happened to this man – an accident that left him in a gruesome state, his body is greatly injured & I say,

“You have NO FACE!”

*(ALLEY BEHIND MY WINDOW: I know this is John as he called for me there.

NO FACE: But now he has ‘lost face’ which means his self esteem is TOTALLY GONE by my not being there, ignoring him, not looking for him at all. His state is GREUSOME.

THE MASK: His pretense, ‘Oh yes, I’m the great pretender, pretending that you’re still around. Lyrics to ‘The Great Pretender’:

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender
Pretending that I’m doing well
My need is such; I pretend too much
I’m lonely but no one can tell.

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender
A drift in a world of my own
I play the game; but to my real shame
You’ve let me to dream all alone.

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can’t conceal.

Oh yes I’m the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown

I seem to be what I’m not; you see
I’m wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you’re still around.

Too real is this… )*

We are communicating for a while, then he takes off the mask again & shows me how he looked once upon a time. It’s an intermediate state – before he lost his face but after the trauma, not his best but when he still had a face.

His left eye is lost, it’s whited over, his skin is swarthy, his hair is thick black, wavy & rugged—there are creases on his face & his face is sort of wide & his cheeks round—he looks like he’s been through a lot. I say,

“Oh, I see you were once handsome.”

*(SWARTHY FACE: Someone who’s been through a lot, like a sailor who was almost shipwrecked, swarthiness could be SUNBURN which says ‘pain.’

This might refer to a time in the past when I told him ‘no more sex until the relationship.’

He took revenge on me by eventually having a relationship with another female that’s been dragging on for years {but in some way is now over}. He wanted it both ways when he lured me back to sex, but now I’ve cut him off he is the one with ‘no face.’)*

He’s satisfied that I said that.

(ONCE HANDSOME: He was once in a better state, but he was HALF BLIND, or unaware of something.)

Another scene: I’m at my apt in B’klyn & this same man is here but now not as damaged. Somehow he’s partially healed – he even smiles a lot. I know it’s him by that whited eye, but his face looks much better, his body seems normal.

(EYE STILL WHITED: He still doesn’t see or understand why I am not trying to contact him.)

My Dad is here also & I tell both of them my SISTER HAS MOVED IN. I tell them that because both my Dad & this guy are now living with me. The man now wears a WIG made of all red braids, looks just like a mop or a RAG DOLL wig. The wig somehow hides his head injuries, wounds or scars.

(MAN SMILING-NOW IN MY APT WITH DAD: This is John in an improved state, suffering, but hoping for union or marriage with me. It gives him comfort, but there is still something he doesn’t understand.)

Another scene: I am in a different location & am LECTURING on a certain point. People are all around listening to me. Then one of my associates to the right – a female I think, tells me,

“There is a group of homeless young males wanting to come in.”

(HOMELESS YOUNG MALES: I sense this is my lover John, who is the same guy on the motorcycle with ‘no face,’ but he is comforted by accessing me somehow. The other boys are basically just saying ‘guys like him’ also access me this way – it’s my speaking videos on You Tube.)

I say,

“Let them in.”

When they enter I tell them to take seats.

They enter the room to the right, which has a green Christmas tree there, covered with real red poinsettias. They play with the poinsettias, scattering them about. They are delighted that I allowed them in, gave them shelter. They were homeless indeed.

*(XMAS TREE WITH POINSETTIAS: This sounds like my lover John accessed my speaking videos, where I make ‘points’ – I preach, teach & explain. This alleviated his suffering, as he can access me this way. He can see me, hear me & get my stories & teachings. So he is getting a lot out of this, it’s like Christmas to him.

HOMELESS: Is when a person is lost, has no center or place of protection & security. This seeing me in videos made him feel he was with me.)*

The group of them looks underprivileged, small in size like runts. One boy’s face I see clearly, his nose is peculiar, reminds me of an animal I have seen, he looks comical. Sort of a pyramid shape, hard to explain.

*(PYRAMID NOSE: It’s John getting ‘to me’ through my videos. Why is he looking like this – a runt – & comical face with pyramid nose?

She: He’s your son, your child, he realizes that now so he is ‘humbled’ & appears like a ‘runt.’ The pyramid nose – the nose is a SENSE, smelling, tasting, sensing is like ESP, his inner sense brings him to you – recognizes some reality he might not have seen before, the meaning of your relationship. Prior to this he was on a ‘high horse,’ a ‘pedestal’ with you. Now no chasing, he sees he’s your little child. You have asserted your dominance over him. The

PYRAMID: is a sign of perfection, so he is seeing THE TRUTH.)*

What was so unusual is at this moment of my loneliness & isolation he drove up here & comforted me with his warmth—there is great sexual meaning here but it’s nothing gross or crude, it’s spiritual as well – like an angel appearing from Heaven to comfort me.

(COMFORT, SEXUAL & SPIRITUAL MEANING: We had sex, but our exchange contained love & spiritual depth.)

I look at the traction his motorcycle left on the ground in this alley – deep furrows – it’s been raining, the ground is black, the furrows are deep, as if a motorcycle had been here several times.

*(BLACK FURROWS: He was here several times looking for me.

IT RAINED: tears or sorrow, that I wasn’t there.)*

But then his motorcycle is empty & it isn’t what I thought it was at all – it’s a walker with wheels, the kind Rudy (a disabled friend) has – it’s a vehicle for a DISABLED person with a black vinyl seat. This isn’t sexy at all.

*(OVERALL MEANING: This explains how devastated John has been by my absence, but something has given him a lift, not sure what. His hopes are up & he feels things will improve.

DISABLED VEHICLE: He was disabled or unable to achieve his goal – couldn’t get to where he wanted.)*

………………………………………………………….

6-17-20-I STOP MAN SUICIDE

I’m in my apt in B’klyn when I see a man, dressed in a classical grey suit with white shirt, maybe a tie, looks professional – this man is at my bedroom window & halfway out to jump 6 floors down, commit suicide.

He’s already halfway out when I grab him & pull him back, then I have him lying in my arms & look at his face. His right eye is looking down to the left corner, like down to the middle of his body, while his left eye is somewhere else.

*(SUICIDAL MAN: This is John the lover, who is

GREY SUIT: mentally {grey is usually brain matter/mind} out of his mind & is halfway to killing himself because

EYES 2 WAYS: he can’t see straight, which means understand something. Could be because

MY BEDROOM: I am no longer making myself available to him for intimacy/sex – this is driving him crazy, he can’t understand it & is desperate for my love. He once had a

WINDOW: of opportunity at my bedroom/window. He can’t understand what’s happened. I’m having multiple dreams about his confusion & misery.

PROFESSIONAL ATTIRE, WHITE SHIRT, MAYBE TIE: The white shirt hints at marriage, the tie, something formal. He considered us a married couple although he didn’t publicly announce me.

MY SAVING HIM: He hasn’t lost hope, however, something I do or have done brings him back to hope.)*

……………………………………………………………

6-16-20-I BLOCK MY GOD SELF

(Great lesson in this. God does not enter us or find union with us AGAINST OUR WILL. The famous pic of Jesus knocking at the door shows no HANDLE on the outside, the person must open the door for him to enter.)

I’m with my daughter in the old farmhouse, in my bedroom.

She’s AVOIDING me. I look for her – she has gone beyond our bro’s room, which joins ours, & is in the hall talking with a man, whispering. She has the room door closed with a thick fleece sheet, might be pink & blue, & she has made a room of the space of the hall—not a good area but she wants to escape me.

(SHEET OVER DOOR: There is what they call a VEIL between God & ourselves, my flesh for a while went to her own side – lost the intimate contact with me.)

Then it gets even worse, she’s in Mario’s room & I hear her talking with what sounds like a black man with a deep voice—they are speaking low so I can’t hear them.

(MARIO’S ROOM: This is the key to WHY she lost contact with me – her God self – the worry or fear of losing HENRY, her lover. Mario’s room always represents separation from the man who is loved.)

Then I see my daughter standing by a wall, perhaps looking out the window, in a robe. She young, like a pre-teen.

I go to her & try to befriend her, get close, but she repels me. I am a great energy, I try to get close but her force field repels me, (I feel it strongly as I try to move close) I cannot get within two feet of her. I cry out,

“I AM GOD!”

But she mutters that this (me) is Satan.

(GOD VS SATAN: In my human self, at this time the dream says my doubts & fears over the lover ousted the Great God within me – I left God as I entered into this negative thoughts, lost faith in HER temporarily.)

I am wearing a diaphanous mint-colored robe, it seems to be made of sort of clouds, & I’m holding it open as I try to come close to her but can’t.

…………………………………………………………

6-20-20-SAINT & ANGELS COME TO MY AID

I was greatly troubled during the night, nightmarish fears of the multiple obligations before me. I called out again & again to the saints & angels to help me.

I then went into a deep sleep & people & my past animals began to appear to me, all in a friendly manner.

A female across the street came to visit, & she brought with her many boys, all of whom circled some sort of lawn-island in front of my house – all the boys were wearing black, some had on hats Indiana Jones style with some kind of small reeds on them (like straws) – all were around 12-13, really boys, not young men. It seems they belonged to her somehow, like they were Boy Scouts & she was their leader, & they are here for my benefit – not sure what they’re doing but they are here to comfort me, & feel better.

*(NEIGHBOR LADY: Symbol of Mother God – could be Holy Virgin, seems like her. She brings to me

BOY SCOUTS: dead men who are my sons or clients, who I helped out of Purgatory, now come to my assistance. The

STRAW or REEDS, {one in each hat}: represents ‘dead’ because you get straw only after the wheat dies, & their

BLACK CLOTHING: says ‘funeral’ or they are the dead & their activity,

DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING, JUST STANDING THERE: Is when people visit you just to show they are your friends, there is no ulterior motive, like they are not your employees, not looking for anything other than to support you.

Then another female comes, then another. I’m confused as I don’t know who they are or why they’re visiting. I say,

“Is this visit your neighbor day?”

(NEIGHBOR LADIES: These are the ‘angels & saints’ I called for just simply visiting me, no motive except to show their love.)

Then someone suggests we go inside. I am reluctant as everything is not perfect, like all in order. But as I look around the rooms are large, nicely furnished, I see an oriental rug in one room, mostly blue, the rooms are dark & kind of cool – inviting. The floors might be black lacquered wood.

On a couch there are two men visiting me – don’t even know who they are. Then yet a third man appears sitting on the couch – all these people just appear – & he’s strikingly handsome with honey blonde hair – He puts his hand for me to shake, I do so in a warm manner. He has a strong look of love on his face. He’s wearing an attractive suit, a true green color & embossed on it are the same color checkers – like ‘tic tac toe’ checkers – I’ve never seen a material or suit like this. I am to the back of the couch; he’s sitting in it as he greets me.

*(MAN IN GREEN SUIT: This is either a saint from Heaven, who was martyred or someone on earth who has or is experiencing martyrdom. It might be my Beloved Husband who I have not been with for almost a year, he seeks to visit & comfort me. The

TRUE GREEN SUIT: Might be saying ‘he’s one of the living.’ The WARMTH of our hands touching, reminds me of the dream of the biker who gave me his hand to comfort me, then he showed me he had NO FACE.

His hair & also look of love – when I saw him I felt an emotion I didn’t feel from the other men which again says ‘this is your Beloved.’

TWO MEN: This dream is filled with people I say I don’t know. Maybe I don’t, maybe I know some of them. These might be saints or angels.)*

Then I want to introduce my dogs to them. I go to a further room & there on the floor lies GaGee Boy – except he doesn’t look like GaGee Boy – he is much smaller, like a chubby tiger cat, maybe 40 lbs, real cute, I pet him lovingly, his fur is so thick & pleasant to touch.

*(WHO IS GAGEE BOY: MomGod, stumped.

She: Gagee Boy is you in your dealing with John. You were the ‘big dog’ that scared him & some of his friends. You’re no longer scaring them as you’re not around, your ‘ferocity’, shown here as a ‘tiger’ has diminished, you are ‘dormant’ in the relationship or ‘lying down’ being petted like a tame cat.)*

Then I look for Fruitcake, who I loved so much & who was so loving & suffered so much. Someone put him into a ‘dog house’ made of material like a stove or fridge, I bend down, the door to him is closed. (Door closed, he was confined.)

This house is equipped with birdseed, packets of it like with millet, & there’s this European white cheese, a cheese with a skin—I dislike it, & I have said ‘no one wants millet, not even the birds, that’s why it’s cheap.’ I see many servings of this cheese on plates, but they are packaged to give him periodically – like this house is some sort of prison where all is provided but freedom & the outdoors – food, fresh air piped in. But to my alarm way back in this house are canisters with ice, I fear does this make his house way too cold? But then I see he has some sort of system in the back of this house which blows in fresh air {this is a hint where John lives the place has a back yard, another clue it’s John}. I don’t like his confinement, I have opened the door to this house & I encourage him to come out, & I see him halfway out. {—I’m beginning to get him out of it—must be my God Self as I’m doing nothing.}

*(FRUITCAKE – SOMEONE PUT HIM IN THIS DOG HOUSE: This was hard to decipher but I think I got it. When you ‘put someone in the dog house’ it’s usually your husband who’s out of favor.

Fruitcake again represents lover ‘John.’ He’s in a ‘dog house’ an appliance like a refrigerator where I look DEEP INSIDE & see canisters of ICE & have great fear it’s TOO COLD in there. This is our relationship ‘on ice’ or on hold—it is not active or warm.

The food – is the emotional nutrition he’s getting. It’s terrible. This love/sex does not satisfy his HEART.

The CHEESE is the sex as ‘cheesecake’ represents sexiness in a woman. This sex is the birdseed/millet nasty cheese food. After all, having sex with someone you don’t love is totally different than doing it with the one you love.

His BODY is getting all that he needs – a house, food/sex, air, etc. but he is imprisoned, confined.

In other words, you’re in a relationship where you have a roof over your head, the air you breath, food & sex, but you are not free to be HAPPY WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE.

Fruitcake is John & I am HALFWAY RELEASING HIM. I have no idea how I’m doing this unless he’s getting psychic messages.

MomGod, what do these two disclosures have to do with a dream where I’m calling for help?

She: This is explaining that your underlying pain is not the problems you face in life right now, but your separation from John. This is making you feel lonely, insecure & isolated – the same way he feels as the ‘man with no face’ & the ‘homeless boy.’

When people are separated from the person they love most in the world, they feel all alone, abandoned & even afraid.

Everyone in this dream is those who love you – either on earth or not. He’s one of the people on earth.)*

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