Core Tenets, Uncategorized



Chapter 10 – The Names I Gave Characters in My Life

– My Early Life



                     Here are the theatrical names I gave the significant people in my life & why:


MEDUSA:   Is Mom, in fact, she gave this name to herself {as I channeled} to personify her bad traits, each snake coming out of her head is a vice, such as: Serial abortionist {7}, liar, deceiver, traitor, abuser, animal abuser, psychopath…… Wikipedia: “one of the three monstrous Gorgons, generally described as winged human females with living venomous snakes in place of hair. Those who gazed into her eyes would turn to stone.”


DON QUIXOTE &/or SIR LANCELOT:   Is Dad. First, because he pursued an impossible dream of happiness with Mom – she didn’t love him after the first year, but he wouldn’t leave her. Second, he was a great ‘Knight’ like Sir Lancelot, but he was flawed, not a perfect Saint.   Wikipedia:   “Just as Shakespeare wrote in no genre, Don Quixote is tragedy as well as comedy.”…..


SANCHO PANZA:   Marius Bernotas, the new lover / live in boy friend of Mom, who lived with us for maybe two years, then Dad got us a farm, where we lived with Marius – Dad was supposed to join us but never did. Dad was living in a dream created by Mom – that they were still a couple, she was not having sex with Marius, & this was perpetrated by her probably to retain support. This dream died after a year when she told him she couldn’t stand him any more. Mom told Dad that her latest child was his, while she told Marius the same thing – each man believed it & tug-of-wars ensued with shouting matches of ‘Give me my child!’

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          I named Marius Sancho Panza as he followed Dad in the dream that could never be; he was led by foolish notions & got fooled. I was with Dad when he went to Marius to offer room & board with us for $6 a week {in 1951 or “52.} Marius didn’t know what he was getting into. Mom had first an affair with our young priest but tired of him, then she picked on Marius, the Church organist. Marius was handsome I thought, but emotionally excitable. I liked him, as I liked most people. I did not then even imagine Mom having an affair with him—I didn’t know what sex was, being 6. Sancho Panza, by following Don Quixote, thought he would achieve something, but there was no success, Marius suffered, had a nervous meltdown of sorts when he chased Mephisto {explained below} down the street with a knife, then got thrown out of our house into a tiny room behind the garage, where he played the piano reverberating through the night. He was never allowed in the house again, eventually leaving us. Last time I saw him I was maybe 10 years old, bumped into him on the street in Freehold, he had no teeth, seemed desperate for some sort of contact / connection / love, but it wasn’t to be. All that hard work! He worked his fingers to the bone on the ‘homestead,’ & after a while, we couldn’t make it, he held down two jobs, all for naught.



MEPHISTOPHELES:   A young woman fifteen years my senior – they adopted her from Lithuania, a distant relative, as she lost her parents to the war. She became the best friend of Mom, Medusa Jr. of sorts, brainwashed by her as was my brother. She was a bully, mostly a good person but sided with Mom in demoralizing me. She did good things but believed in Mom’s version of reality in exchange for what? Number 2 position in Mom’s Mafia, Godmother 1 & 2. Forty two years after Mom’s death, she still maintains that Mom & bro, the two abusers, were good guys. So of course the abuse I got was warranted, except, she claims, there was no abuse, I am a liar & deluded.


          Why Mephistopheles? In the story of Faust, Mephistopheles was not Satan but worked for him – he collected the doomed souls. And so, this person was not the original leader but influenced & controlled the weaklings & sheep, all of whom knew ‘what side their bread was buttered on.’ After Mom’s death ‘Mempho’ {for short}, maintained the party line. It was politically correct to go against Rasa & you were doomed if you were for her. None of them wanted to be ‘outside’ the family graces, so they obeyed.



PAUL BUNYAN:   My Uncle Henry, who I adored along with Aunt Dagmar, his wife. He was a jolly, fun-loving, life of the party guy, handsome, charming, masculine, up to a lot of hard work or even a good fight if warranted. He played the accordion at all our festivities, he joked, he was physically strong, worked like a horse, besides a full-time job, built a second floor onto their house as well as a two-car garage & beautiful stone walls around their driveway. He was admirable in many ways. His one flaw is he helped thwart my relationship with a handsome young, wealthy boy named Danny Grant – he was jealous. Then after a falling out with my Aunt over this episode, he took me on a ‘ride’ & was planning to rape me, but my guardian angels stopped him.

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          He’s Paul Bunyan because of masculine qualities.


          I might add that he hated my Mom because Mom tried to break him up with Aunt Dagmar when they were courting. He knew, like my Dad did, that I was being abused by Mom but did nothing about it. No one wanted to ‘get into trouble’ for standing up for me.



UGLY STEPMOTHER from Cinderella:   My Aunt Dagmar who turned ugly on me when I turned teenager. Her hatred of me came from Mom, a victim of brainwash. She also hated sex – anyone that had sex outside of marriage was evil {except Mom} – & being in the adult trade, showing one’s body nude or dancing nude on stage – was a major sin. God would not have anything to do with such people. She also was prejudiced against just about everyone, minorities, blacks, Puerto Ricans, people who dreamed dreams or had mystical qualities or visions were crazy. I had first known her with great love & was really sad to see her turn against me. She did not speak to me for 23 years because of Mom. I broke the ice when my husband died, called her, she was by now ready to bury the hatchet. She said she didn’t know I was being abused. Did she ever ask? No, they all listened to my Mom, took her side as the truth without ever questioning me – Only Uncle Henry & Dad knew she was lying, but neither one of them ever asked me anything. They knew if they knew the details they might have to do something, & God forbid they’d get into trouble for helping me, so better not ask.


          Mom used her for money the way she often did to people. I was there when Bro Jimmy had spent 3 weeks in the hospital with pneumonia. Mom asked Dagmar to pick him up. But they would not release him unless his bill was paid. It was 16k – in 1960 that would be $145,510.81 & DAGMAR WROTE A CHECK FOR IT! She seemed shocked but didn’t know what to do – what a sucker she was.


          Later Mom wanted to buy my brother a business & there was a lady in her employ at the Reader’s Digest who liked him. She conned her into borrowing 10k from her – which in 1963 today is worth $87,972. She never paid her back. But Dagmar did repay her from Mom’s estate I was told. {From 1963 to 1979 that money could have made her money in the stock market or at least interest – but I’m sure all she got back was the original 10k, if what I’m told is true, that Aunt Dagmar paid her.}


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RIGOLETTO:   Was my evil brother, who was never a brother to me but an enemy. He was a weakling, a loser, his whole life amounted to Mr. Ordinary, & that, only because he was given a business & a wife, had he not been spoiled & supported by Mom & Mephisto, it would have been worse. So being propped up, he made it through. But he started life in High School with a flash. Captain of the football team, President of his class, salutatorian because he was President, he was popular & a big snob who pretended he didn’t know me when passing in the hall. He spent that year we were in H.S. together bringing Mom inflated & twisted stories about me, which she conveyed to Dad to show his love on me was wasted.


          Our years together were a mixed bag. We played all the games – volleyball, baseball, horseshoe, croquet, bows & arrows {which we made ourselves}, all kinds board games, wrestling in the wheat field. He was the partner that helped hone my physical skills.


          But he also had no heart. At age 10 he got a stick & they gave him a pocket knife. He got a bright idea: Whittle that stick into a spear with a 5” head, con Rasa to run with it spear up, pointed at her crotch, the cobblestones will stop her at some point, the spear will impale her by her vagina – what fun. My being only 7, I fell into his trap, wanting to prove I could run & not hit a cobblestone, I did as he suggested. Boom, of course I was eventually stopped, but the dear Lord diverted that spear from my crotch to my left thigh, making a flesh wound that was halfway or more through my leg. Mom did not take me to the doc for fear bro would get into trouble, she poured a bottle of iodine on it & put me to bed – it took weeks to heal, not being sewn up, the biggest scab anyone ever saw. I was at a pool with the scab & dozens of kids came by to see it, it was so enormous. I didn’t go into the water because of it, of course, just sat there.


          He did many other cruel things, explained in Part 2 of my life. He is Rigoletto because he was a cruel jester {in an opera by Verdi}. He wanted to take revenge on someone but it backfired on him. My brother wanted to hurt me, & did hurt me, but God protected me; Whereas my bro was accident prone, lost a finger in his teens, then an eye – half his face collapsed from that – was that his karma for evil? He was voted ‘Most likely to succeed’ in school – what a joke.


Because of family he graduated college – he did not work his way through, he was given room & board & whatever by them, but he could not get a job with his degree, applying for ‘editor’ type work. He tried to sell Kirby vacuum cleaners but never sold ONE. He opened up a landscape / lawn biz, but that failed. Not until Mom bought him a floristry business did he do ok for a while, but it never flourished, just coasted through.

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He also could not get himself a wife. When he took females out he never spoke – the strong, silent type – haha, or is it the weak, dumb type? I know this for sure as you could not carry on an intelligent conversation with him & he never spoke when he drove me some place, {usually Church every Sunday, he was one of those fakes who goes to Church out of habit} he would obsessively turn the radio dial back & forth, back & forth, tires squealing as he went around curves & trying to hit any rabbit that might cross the road. In the 90’s I found the numbers of my old school chums– 6 or 7 of them. Two of the females, who were the most beautiful girls in my class – Barbara & Sally {will not give last names to retain their privacy} said they dated him! That turned my stomach, to imagine him groping them. They both said it was spooky as he never said a word! {It seems appropriate to add here that there were several attractive, interesting males in his class, but did he fix me up with them? Indeed, he did the opposite, pretended he didn’t even know me, shunned me when we met in school!}


Here comes Mom to save the day. There was a wonderful, beautiful female working under her employ at the Reader’s Digest, a secretary, bro’s age. She fixed them up, they got married & had three lovely children. If it wasn’t for Mom, Mephisto, & this good wife, would have become of him? Probably a bum / alcoholic on skid row or the like – he went to AA to get their ‘cure’.


PS   He did get to Heaven where he’s eternally next to Mom or in the ‘same space’. I saw that from ages ago – her waiting for him – he was the only person she ever loved. And God showed them where I was – in a bright light in the lap of Pope Pius XII representing Our Lord. We were in a theater, I on the stage with the Holy Father, they in the balcony in a DIM LIGHT. God wanted me to see where they were in Heaven, & wanted them to see who it was they abused. So they saw.


Later Mom appeared in a dream offering something that I think represented love, it was a garment over the body like a sweater, a gift for me. And bro showed me a green salad, to say, ‘Look at my victory; I made it,’ rejoice with me.’ OK, I’m glad you guys made it.


Then after that he appeared to me twice. The first time I only heard his voice & he said, ‘Help my children.’ I thought he meant with money, so I declined, after all, they weren’t even friendly to me. I hold no hard feelings, I told him, but I don’t care to give your kids money. {Sure, if they were kind to me, kept in touch, greeted me for Christmas & Holidays at least, I’d splurge on them – but they don’t. All the youth of our family treat me, one of my friends said, ‘Like you don’t exist.’ And some of them I was sending big bucks to, then I stopped, as they didn’t even say ‘thanks’ – I had to ask them, ‘Did you get the check for 6k?’ & they’d make excuses to say why they were too busy to let me know or say Merry Christmas – too busy to send an e mail! – So no kindness, no money for you.}


But then he appeared again while we were in a prayer group, & asked again ‘Help my children,’ & then I knew he meant spiritually. So of course I am sending them Spiritual Grace, whether they accept it or not is up to them. There are more details on him in Book 2, where I channel him, it’s eye opening. Case closed.


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OTHELLO:   My first husband, an evil man, he’s Othello because he tried to strangle me TWICE, my Guardian Angels saved me. The second time I grabbed the baby & ran, got the super of the building to go back in with me while I collected my things, took a cab to a motel in far off Hollywood, & got a job working as a model {you will see the images of me age 20 in these books—in a sense, lucky that I left him at that time & had to work that way, as images are forever – & they voted me ‘one of the most beautiful women of the ages’ in St. Martin’s Press because of it.} I went back to care take him because he got a third bout of cancer. For my reward he – just before dying – cancelled his life insurance, leaving the baby & me penniless. I mean with less than 5 bucks to my name. {He was revengeful for what I did not do – I’d been raped & impregnated by Mr. Southern California, Bill McCardle, on a modeling job – he wanted to believe it was consensual. So I got punished again & again, getting raped, getting pregnant by it, then the life insurance cancelled because of it.}


          He spent 55 years in Purgatory paying for his sins. He ascended the day I told God I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. I had been seeing him in Purgatory for 36 years but the visions were unpleasant, he still harbored hate toward me {the last straw was when God told him I married a second time, & my good husband left me a huge sum of money – & this made him not glad but ANGRY} – So I said to God not to show him to me again. But years later I rescinded that; 55 years gone by, my charity caused his ascension. There’s more on this creature in Part 2 of my life including channeling – greatly revealing, amazingly, he informed me he was TWICE AS BAD AS MY MOM – look how long I spent in Purgatory, twice her time. I agreed but what a stretch, like saying ‘I was twice as bad as Hitler.’



SAINT ESQUIRE:   A best friend, attorney, who did marvelous things for me, treated me like a Queen, made me a birthday cake one year {to make up for the one Mom refused to accept, that my gf baked!}, carried my luggage up six flights of stairs when I returned from a job. He took me out every weekend for months – {I was celibate, platonic.} We used to meet at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel {had drinks, once ate at their ‘Bull & Bear’ restaurant}, usually went elsewhere for dinner, went to shows, theater, all the things New York has to offer. He was a total gentleman & restored my self esteem as a woman. This made up for so many pains & put downs from family & other creeps. He remained my best friend for ten years; he helped me build my lucrative business. I will speak more of him elsewhere.



THE GENTLE GIANT:   This was my second & sainted husband, Richard Von Werder. He & St. Esquire made up in a huge way, the many transgressions done to me. He treated me like royalty, he helped me so much I can’t even count the ways, & when sadly, he died, in my house, of a heart attack, he provided for me for the rest of my life. Through him God compensated me for much suffering – Will be more on him elsewhere.


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MY ‘FRED ASTAIRE’:   Not the real Fred Astaire – {I saw the real one once in Beverly Hills, I was leaving a bank with a long, wide set of polished cement stairs – he bounded up sprightly, just like his movies, I stared.} This is a friend who reminds me of Fred. Fred could & would do anything – sing, act & dance, & my friend Jack also did anything for me, & was voted ‘The Best Slave of the Year’ by Hustler Erotic Video. He was also charming, sweet, affable, with a terrific sense of humor, & while he was with me, made my life 10 times easier. I shall never forget the time he spent 3 months with me in the summer. He cleaned my house, including the windows, then he acted in my videos where he did anything called for, no matter how strange, like pretending to let a female put out a lighted cigarette in his mouth {we put water in his mouth ahead of time.} He helped me with production of the videos – Then the ‘piece de resistance.’ I had been trying to move out of Brooklyn with dozens of car treks as well as a van & a truck. We had made a dozen trips, my male friends & I. But still, the furniture was there. I was so exhausted from all this I couldn’t take it any more. I told Jack ‘You have to do something for me, & I really need this favor, it’s serious.’ He awaited my command. ‘You have to get me out of B’klyn, all the furniture & appliances.’ What did he say? It was yes, & he got me out of B’klyn, finally! This man could & would do anything for me – one in a million! He’s alive & well working with baseball players in Florida, the greatest of men.


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized



Continue Chapter 9 – Priests & Prostitutes   6-14-21



          Before I get to the ideal priest & friend, who did not share 99% of the world’s condemnation & judgment of those in the adult trade, I have one more priest to harp on.


          I shall call him ‘Fr Vivacious’ of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Church in Greenpoint, B’klyn, close to where I lived.  I had been going to the Lithuanian Church called Annunciation,  only 3 blocks from me & enjoyed it much – the ambience of a Gothic, old-fashioned edifice is the best.

But I switched to Our Lady of Mt Carmel Church, can’t recall why, which was 5 blocks away, in the Italian neighborhood – wanted to try it at first because Our Lady of Mt Carmel is the day I was born – July 16. 


{In fact, it comes to important attention that I was born on the terrible day the first atomic bomb was dropped in White Sands, New Mexico, 1945, but also the day of the Lady who is Peace.  This striking contradiction has a lot to do with my earthly mission – to help end this age of war & bring about peace – the way it is being done is known by God & God alone pulls the strings.  But I was part of it in giving the speech in front of the White House on June 16, 1978.  Our Lady of Fatima’s message was mine – She asked that we pray the rosary for the conversion of Russia, or ‘Nations will be annihilated.’  At the time we were in a terrible Cold War, both we & Russia were in an arm’s race that could blow up the whole world, the peace movement was desperate.  Our Lady stepped in; She had many times before, to prevent this – which would have been World War III.  She chose me to give her speech.  She said, ‘in the end, my Immaculate heart will Triumph.’ 

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Amazing things happened, such as a Pope from behind the Iron Curtain being elected!  Reagan & Gorbachev were important factors.  The Pope being shot, surviving, & the minute he wakes up he ASKS FOR THE PAPERS ON FATIMA!  He has the bullet they removed from him inserted into the CROWN OF OUR LADY OF FATIMA!  And then HE CONSECRATES RUSSIA TO THE IMMACULATE HEART OF MARY!  I give the entire story on my website called Kellie Everts or I Strip for God – this account is also featured in a couple of my books.}


I became friends with Father Vivacious some time before 1978 because when I went to dance at the Playboy Club for 3 months, I recall writing him a letter to ask his advice.  He answered me & what struck me as odd is that he did not SIGN the letter, only TYPED his name!  {So if anyone criticized him for writing a letter to me he could deny it?}


          I recall I told him my time in Chicago would be dedicated to missionary work; I would use it as an opportunity.  Every Sunday we were off, & so, I got literature printed up on how to say the rosary & stood on the street {not too warm in Jan., sometimes, a biting cold wind on the streets of Chicago!} handing this out to people.  This went on maybe 3 weeks – I had 3 months so there was time – but one day, an inner voice said to me,


          “Stop handing out the literature.”


          I thought it must be the devil saying this, so I continued, but now, no one – not one single soul – would take my tracts.

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          I then decided maybe it was God, & right nearby was a modern Cathedral.  I went there, sat to the back left, remember clearly, and said to God,


          “Ok, if you don’t want me to hand out literature, what do you want me to do?”


          The answer was,

          “Go to the media, the newspapers, Television, & ask to be interviewed.  You’ll reach many more people that way.”

          “But who will be interested?”  I said, & the answer was,

          “You haven’t tried.”


          Ok, I had my marching orders.  Then began the biggest effort on my part I had ever conducted, to get the news to my side.  I first contacted the Chicago Press Bulletin, the biggest paper, & got the syndicated columnist, Bob Greene, to do a story.  It was sensational, & that was only the beginning.


          After that, I appeared in every publication in Chicago, even the black paper, the Chicago Defender.  I did every talk show being conducted in Chicago, & not only that, I went to the office of the managing editor of Playboy & convinced him to do another story.  He at first objected, but I kept asking & he finally gave in, & not only was one story done, but they put me in ‘sex in the news’ several times after that plus a pic of me after I preached in front of the White House. 


          The TV shows, I got copies, & they were played in the lounge of the Playboy club where the whole cast could see them.  Were some of them jealous!  They claimed I was only ‘working to publicize myself’ instead of the show’ but I was working for God.  I blitzed Chicago early in 1978.  I proved to myself what could be done if I tried.


          But that is not the story I intended to write here.  I wanted to explain how Father Vivacious betrayed me as everyone else had done, for being in the adult trade.


          When I got back to New York City, I was contacted by a new TV show they were going to syndicate, called ‘National Graffiti.’  I let them film me – this was seen by producer George Schlatter, who had a giant hit with ‘Laugh In’.  Because of my story he took over this show & turned it into ‘Real People’ – I was the first star.


          ‘Real People’ opened up my segment with me climbing the steps of the modern Church, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, where I used to chat with Father Vivacious in his office. 

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          But when the show hit the air, the Italians who were the parishioners, were shocked that I, a woman in the adult trade, dare to enter their Church, & have myself filmed climbing their steps.  They felt invaded & violated by this scarlet woman.  How dare Father Vivacious be friends with me!


          I recall around the same time, I was playing basketball with boys in the grounds of a nearby religious building; a man came out & said I shouldn’t be there playing ball with young men because I had posed nude in Playboy!  {None of us listened to him & kept playing.}


          From then on, I was frozen out.  I’d call Fr V & he’d be out, or busy.  This happened time & time again, until I finally got the hint, he didn’t want me there or couldn’t.  Perhaps the new Pastor forbid it.


          I met the new man in a local bakery; he introduced himself to me sounding proud of his position,

          “I am the new Pastor at Our Lady of Mt Carmel.’


          And when I went to the Church he was there & stopped me, saying,

          “Fr Vivacious has to go have dinner now, it’s important to keep up his health – he must eat well.”


          They were both FAT.  I thought of St. Francis of Assisi & other saints – they did not eat well, it was not a rule of the Church.  I was also told this, I know its gossip but I’m not giving names.  A secretary that worked there told me she had seen the Pastor & Fr V kissing one another.  I objected, saying,


          “It was a brotherly kiss.” 

          But she said,

          “No, it was on the lips.”

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          I figured she was nuts, but after a year I was saddened to hear Fr V was gone, he’d been sent to a ‘rest’ or ‘rehab’ center’ by the Church {the Pastor said so from the pulpit, yes, I still went to Mass there} – don’t know where or what happened, still saddened that he froze me out of his life because of people’s criticism.  But the point here is that only Jesus Christ, & those like him, defend the ‘woman caught in adultery.’  The rest throw stones, why do I expect any better?  It’ll never end, it will always be the same, people are brainwashed by Patriarchy, until Matriarchy emerges, we will be slut shamed & ostracized, get used to it, Rasa.  No exceptions.  But remember Jesus said,

         “Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone,’ and also, to the Pharisees,

          “The prostitutes will go into Heaven before you.”



Fr. Depaul Genska – Jesus Comes to Life



          Which brings me to Fr Depaul Genska.  He was the most wonderful Christlike figure.  He came to visit me several times, & even came to where I worked in New York, & visited me in Chicago.


          This is the favorite quote I have of his.  I told him my Aunt Ara chided me for praying for my Mom as she was dying of cancer, she said,


          “How dare you pray, god will not hear you BECAUSE YOU SELL YOUR BODY!”


          I TOLD THIS TO Fr Depaul and he said,



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          Fr Depaul became involved with prostitutes when two of them hitch hiked a ride & got into his vehicle, introduced themselves to him.  They became friends.  He studied how to help the working women, wrote a great thesis, {he gave me his syllabus or course & said I could do with it what I will.  I plan to publish it some day} & began to teach this ministry at Catholic Theological Union.  There he not only spoke in a classroom setting, but took people ‘on the stroll’ to the habitats where these therapists worked.


          He was totally non judgmental & non condemnatory – & he concluded, as many of those educated have, WE ARE ALL PROSTITUTES.


          But Cardinal Cody {Chicago’s Cardinal who went down in scandal later on} ‘didn’t understand.’ & at one point took away his ‘faculties,’ which means prevented him from acting as a priest – which rendered him unemployed.  Luckily, he had a priest friend who gave him work on the sly at his church.


          In conclusion & in honor of Fr. Depaul I will give some info about him following – He died in 2010 I just found out:


  Depaul (nee: George) was born on May 5, 1931 in Syracuse NY.  He died Sept. 13, 2010 at the Holy Name Friary in Ringwood, N.J., age 79, {RIP dear friend.}

George entered the minor Franciscan seminary in Callicoon, NY, in third year high school (1947). He received his further education in the seminary system of Holy Name Franciscan Province.  In the novitiate he took the name “Depaul” after St. Vincent de Paul; and “Anthony” after St. Anthony of Padua.

Depaul was ordained on April 25, 1958. After several ministerial assignments on the east coast, he enrolled in September 1978 at Catholic Theological Union in Chicago. CTU is a school of ministry in the Catholic tradition. His studies concentrated on how to minister with persons in the sex industry. Depaul became involved with persons in prostitution in June 1972 in New York City. He received a MTS degree (Masters in Theological Studies) in 1980. For his MTS thesis, he designed a course on “The Dynamics of Heterosexal* Prostitution”. He taught the initial course during the Spring Quarter of 1980.

While at CTU, providentially, Depaul met a lay missionary from England. She  had similar interests as Depaul in heterosexual prostitution. In October 1983, they founded Genesis House – a place of hospitality and nurturing for women in prostitution who earnestly desire to change their life-style.


Depaul prefers to call prostitution not just female prostitution but rather heterosexual prostitution. There are more men involved in “female” prostitution than there are women. For every woman (prostitute) there are conservatively ten men – customers, pimps. Without the demand on the men’s part, there would be no supply on the women’s part. Thanks to Dr. Jean-Guy Nadeau for this insight……Prostitution is older than Christianity!


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PS                        The End of Professor Catholic & Me

                                          {written 6-18-21}


          To explain how the great professor at two Universities, was fazed out of my life.  I might add that I was praying with him every Sunday for 3 years – he was my best friend as I had no one else at the time {my choice – because why?  I only wanted to talk about God.}


          Prof Fish {meaning Christian} liked me a lot, at first just platonic friend, later, there was indication he was trying to win me as a female – {that of course was nipped in the bud for more than one reason.  One, I was celibate, two, not attracted to him & three, he was married.}  He did get the hint & behaved thereafter.  I know you’re curious.  OK, so I might as well explain.  One evening he called me & said he was stuck in the city, could he sleep in my place?  He was too tired to take the train home {somewhere upstate I think.}  A bit nervous, I said yes.  He came over, & when he saw I arranged a spot for him on the couch, he wasn’t ‘tired’ any more & left – ha-ha.


          The Prof. read my writings on the Divine Stigmata & said they deserved to be published – but time dragged on, he never did anything about it.  I knew of one company that published such books – ‘Cross Roads.’  So, tired of waiting for him, I sent my work to them & unfortunately, included an image of myself {fully clothed} as well as I was a friend of Prof. Fish.


          And so Prof Fish calls me soon after that, with trembling voice, tells me he walked into Cross Roads one day {he was on their board of directors} & they asked him how did he know THE STRIPPER KELLIE EVERTS?  Someone recognized me!  {Yes I was foolish to reveal myself to some degree, but you’re young & dumb before getting old & wise} & at that very moment, I knew it was over between us.


          I didn’t even bother to call him.  I figured if he called me & tried to remain friends, we’d do so.  But he didn’t seem eager to keep talking, so I saw the writing on the wall & knew another day, another ostracism.  Three years my best friend, gone in one day – the woman ‘caught in the adult trade’ stoned against the wall by the men, none of whom was without sin.

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          I will channel Prof. Fish.  Although I couldn’t find his obituary, he’s probably dead as he’d be over 100 now.  OK, Prof. Fish, were you through with me when the publishers confronted you with my being a stripper?


          PROF. FISH:    It was a sad day for me, as I really liked you.  I felt on some level that you had deceived me, but I also knew you had to, as if you had told me the truth from the get go, our friendship could not have transpired, we could not have related as we did, I would have seen you as a sex object & I would have been afraid to be seen with you in public.  As sad as it was, I knew we had to part – my profession & yours didn’t mix.


          ME:   Did you not see, however, that you were going against the teachings of Jesus Christ by being afraid to be friends with someone in the adult trade?  And didn’t you feel that hurting me would be wrong?  You knew I was an authentic saintly person, you knew my experiences were real & my Divine Stigmata was real – you did believe in me.  {You asked me the foolish question, did the Stigmata hurt, but you didn’t ask me to explain it.}


          So here’s an authentic spiritual mystic you’re friends with, but she just happens to have to make a living dancing & showing her body – not because she wants to or gets a thrill out of it – because she has to to make a living – & you know this woman for three years, you know she is none of those wicked things society blames us for.  We had prayed together for 3 years.  And yet, in one moment, the entire relationship is over, you repudiate me, I am no good to be friends with.  Don’t you see how spiritually wrong that is, that you couldn’t put your morality where your titles were?  Your being a leader of spirituality was a sham.



          PROF FISH:   Yes, I was a sham.  I was book learned in spirituality, I could answer most questions, but I could not do what a saint would do.  I was one of those people who was pleased to be a high-standing member of society, people respected me – they did not respect you.  But who will have a higher place in Heaven?  Many women in the adult trade, bordellos, street walkers & the like, have better places in Heaven than the one who were respected.  Some of these women are saints, but no one believes it.  The world’s judgments are not God’s, I was of the world, respected & loved, you were & are by some, looked down upon.  You are in a safer spiritual place than the respectable.  Don’t be sad or depressed for how people treat you; represent God, that is all.  Don’t pay attention to people is the best advice anyone can get – people know nothing, God knows all.  Amen.  {End channeling}


          ME:   You speak the truth, Prof., thanks, & RIP.

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PS             Fr. DePaul Needs My Prayers re a Woman



An interesting incident with Fr. DePaul.  One day he came to my place in Brooklyn & asked me for prayer.  He was in trouble.  A woman he’d befriended had been after him for marriage- a black lady.  I told him, why don’t you tell her you can’t as you’re a priest?  He said he couldn’t do that – but didn’t explain why.


That to me didn’t make sense as I thought all the women he ministered to knew he was a celibate priest.  So to try to frame it in my mind I figured he ministered to women, not always revealing being a priest for some reason.  In those days, the 70’s none of us devout Catholics ever thought of priests breaking their vows or doing anything unGodly like pedophilia.  We thought if it happens, it’s rare.  Most priests are faithful, some are saints.  That’s why a lot of mothers & other people would get mad when a boy or girl told them they’d been messed with by a priest – it was unbelievable, we were mentally unready to accept such a thing.


So I fervently prayed with & for Fr. Depaul about the lady.  The next time I saw him I asked, what happened with her?  He said HE NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN.  So the prayer worked.

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          It was years later that I mused about the subject & thought is there some kind of possibility that Fr. had SEX with any of these women?  Not that I judged or condemned him, just wondered.  Could it be why Cardinal Cody took his faculties away, because he found out?  As prior to that, just teaching, ministering & taking people ‘on the stroll’ would not warrant defrocking him from priesthood.  I decided to channel Fr. DePaul.  I asked him, why did he want to minister to prostitutes?  He answered:


FR. DEPAUL:   It was fun, more fun than being with fuddy duddy priests all the time, the women’s lives were colorful, dramatic, & I was a part of them.


ME:   Did you have sex with any of them or serious affairs?


FR. DEPAUL:   I had relationships with them, mostly platonic.  They saw me as a ‘Father figure,’ one who would stand by them, help in emergencies, there was not much hanky panky going on, it was 95% ministry, maybe some fun once in a while, which was not the main part of my activities or focus.


ME:   Enough said.  I do believe sincerely that priests should be allowed marriage, or date & have sex if they wish {sex between consenting adults is not a sin} – they’re human.  And of course, they should ordain women.  The Catholic Church will not remain forever with their policies, Patriarchy is phasing out, matriarchy is coming in, & no matter how powerful this Church is now, it will fade out.  Thanks for your friendship, Father & RIP.  He thanks me & says he’s looking out for me, to continue doing my work as it’s blessed.      {End Chapter 9}


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Creepiest Club Owner & Ostracism



Creepiest Club Owner  -  Ostracism  -  Priests & Nuns    6-13-21


          It was toward the end of my dancing career of 21 years – Six years as a go go dancer in Southern California, then 15 years from Coast to Coast & the last few years, mostly Canada, my last job when I bowed out was 1987 {was still in great demand, got the highest offers I’d ever gotten.} It was 1984 when I met the creepiest club owner I’d ever met, & it was a strange occurrence, as when I got into town for some reason I said,


          “I will never live in a place like this”


          Can’t recall why my aversion. It’s an ordinary small city. Maybe because it is ordinary & I lived in the hot spots of California {Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, Beverly Hills & Hollywood} & then New York City {not hot where I lived in Williamsburg but I visited the best places in New York – dated men who took me to the Waldorf, the Plaza, 5th Avenue eateries, & posh spots on the East Side; I used to go to the Metropolitan Opera House {was in love with Franco Corelli, – a handsome man who sold tickets at the box office said I was too beautiful to pay, gave me a free pass for myself with guests for the season!} often as well as concerts & Broadway Shows.} One of my boyfriends had a pad on Sutton Place with his own elevator – Dr. Robert Atkins the diet doctor, a steady lived in Forest Hills & I spent much time there. {Not doing sex, I was celibate} Yes, I was comfortable with high brows or low brows, my life made me versatile & open minded with all.


          And in 1989, I end up moving there, by the Grace of God, with a splendid property. God especially designated it for me – it was everything I ever dreamed of & it became my own private hermitage where I spent like 22 years celibate {30 years counting Brooklyn} & 10 years as a cougar!


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The Nuns Who Turn Down my Application



          The second strange occurrence was that I went to a convent {in that area} three nuns ran – they call it a ‘monastery’ – I went to visit them, they were looking for a new member, I wrote them later to apply – they turned me down. I had forgot about the nuns & their monastery until I had settled in to my new place. Then someone mentioned them & it rang a bell. I was told ‘these nuns produce their own wine,’ & I went there again. Sadly, by now they had found out I was a stripteaser & so, in their eyes I was not a good person, I got the cold shoulder.


          Back to Mr. Creepy. I had negotiated with him over the phone, & he was one of those types that would browbeat & bamboozle you & impossible to get a good deal. We argued & argued & I had to give in as he wouldn’t budge, my salary then was between $1,500 to $2,500 in America & $2,500 to $3k in Canada {US dollars, paid by the day in my contract as I’d been ripped off by owners at the end of the week!} but he’d only agree to $1,200.


I Call the Police on Creepy


          I was a blockbuster attraction when the local paper did a front-page story on me as the ‘Stripper for God.’ It was standing room only, & he charged $5 to get in. At the end of the week I knew he’d ripped me off & told him I was not going to do the second week. He went crazy. We were in the office, he started shouting & throwing things & pushing furniture about, I was so spooked out I ran out the door.


          My motel was across the street. I was afraid to go back to his place to pick up my costumes, so I called the police & persuaded them to go with me. One nice highway patrol man was my escort.

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          But then Creepy, who knew he’d make big bucks with me the second week, sent his sainted wife. She said that her husband was all bluff & noise, he wouldn’t lay a hand on me, & she promised he wouldn’t come near me again; she herself would be there every night to protect me. Reluctantly, I stayed.


          I had a co-star & an mc, both of whom were black. I asked them what they were paid – so I wasn’t the only one being cheated. It was $150 a week, believe it or not. I augmented their salaries with $100 each & brought the man food as he said he was starving every night – there were no eateries around. Someone drove me to a grocery store where I loaded up on non perishable snacks for myself & the co workers, boxes of crackers, sardines, munchies.


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          How & Why I Met the Nuns


There’s a good anecdote regarding the nuns – how & why I met them. {Through a Professor at a Catholic University I shall explain.}


          During the year 1981 I was in total seclusion for the sake of God, to find Oneness with her, & I did become ONE. I entered Heaven, I saw her Face to Face.


          During this time I wanted to discuss Mystical Theology with those who were learned. I wished to speak of nothing but God, & my knowledge of her was exalted & mystical – it wasn’t a subject for regular folk. So I started to call Catholic & Episcopalian Universities & places of learning, & spoke to educators & priests. I clearly recall three people I spoke to, one a priest, one an Episcopalian minister, & three a Professor at a top Catholic University.

The Priest spoke to me briefly, then excused himself as he had a class – did not seem interested in another conversation. The Episcopal minister was lovely & we spoke of ‘Imitation of Christ’ by Thomas A Kempis – but he insisted for further conversations we had to meet in person. This made me suspicious that he might see me as ‘sex object’ so that ended it for me.


A Top Catholic Professor Becomes my Best Friend



          The third person I made a big score with. He became my best friend {I had no other friends, told everyone not to contact me} for three years. We spoke on the phone several times, he quizzed me to see if I really knew my spirituality, & I passed. Let me see if I recall his test. It was about St. Francis of Assisi, his vision of Christ Crucified. He asked me what it meant. I meditated a short time & called him back with this, {I speak approximately, this is a memory of 40 years ago}


          “The Cross showed him how it feels to be helpless. The feet are nailed, so the person cannot go anywhere. The hands are nailed, so they cannot do anything. They are utterly at the mercy of fate, they can relay on no one but God, they have nothing but God.”


          He seemed mightily surprised that my insight was that good. We became phone friends, & spoke & prayed together every week. He invited me for lunch at his University – & yes, he seemed surprised that I was so attractive, although I dressed down. It took me 2 ½ hours by subway to Fordham University – he was important there. He also taught at Columbia.

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          And so, our friendship was mostly phone but we met like three times for lunch at the school or ordinary places.

He said I had a greater ability to pray than anyone he had met. And once, he was in a stressful state & called me especially for prayer – & said it healed him.


          And so, eventually I had to leave my place of seclusion & go back to work. How I loathed that! Being back in the world was a gross vibration, speaking to people who are not with God is a great penance, the world is filled with those who are not saints & never will be, don’t want to be. Most humans are lower than animals – animals are nice. The saints all said the majority of humans go to hell! Therefore, most humans we deal with are spiritually dead, living zombies, alive in flesh, dead in spirit, dangerous energies. And we have to feel these energies – this is not fun. So sadly, I am back in the world.


          After a while, I was booked with the Creepy man who owned this place in the ordinary city. I told my Saint Professor that I gave LECTURES on spirituality – that I would be booked here & there, & he believed me. It wasn’t a total lie, as I did give sermons before I danced. But I knew to tell him I was a stripteaser might end our friendship – people in ‘respectable professions’ & that includes priests, don’t want the public to know they’re friends with us. Even if we don’t commit what is perceived as ‘sin’ people don’t give the benefit of the doubt & razz or tease the respectable person, or even judge & condemn them of being guilty.


{Recently I met a saintly priest – definitely saintly because I saw blue light when he prayed for me – he brought Holy Communion to me in the hospital. He’s a Hindu, I’ll call him Father Karing – I love him & gave him $100 each time he brought Communion. We were supposed to meet near my house when he came to this area. But then, there was a Reality TV show interviewing me – they wanted to speak with folks who knew me, to be on the show. I asked him if he could talk on Skype with them. He told me our friendship has to remain PRIVATE & he never called again.}


I shall channel a friend of mine in Heaven, Saint Padre Pio, about this subject. Holy Father, it hurts to be ostracized. How do you explain God putting me in this profession where I would be shunned, no matter what I do? I always think things will be different when people get to know me; they never are. Just now in the last year I became friends with two women who own shops in a nearby mall. At first, the one was nice. I dreaded to tell her or anyone about me – who I was. Eventually I did, & sure enough, she turned cold on me – especially when I showed her a couple of my books which contain nudity.


The same thing happened with my present hairdresser. We were good buddies for two years. Then she got a second employee in the shop, & business increased, there were often a couple women besides me in the shop where formerly we were alone & we both gossiped about everything. One day, I was talking about sex & child abuse, & a female was there whose daughter was there – her daughter is 15 & looked like 18 or more, I hardly paid attention. But this lady called up my hairdresser & complained that I was talking about adult subjects in front of her child, & my hairdresser got upset–not wanting me in her shop. That really hurt because the two of us were close & she told me her secrets & I told her mine – things we don’t tell too many people. But now I’m shunned. And refer also to the previous rebuffs I mentioned.


          PADRE PIO {Channeling him or reading his mind}:   “My daughter, do not fret about what people do to you on earth, think of your rewards in Heaven. Of course they can’t understand you, as they are brainwashed, frightened sheep. You were abused badly in your early life, but did not God compensate you later? Everything they deprived you of – love, money, resources, were given you abundantly later on. Just so, God will reward you in Heaven, if not on earth, for being misunderstood, ostracized & shunned.

This business you are in, God needed you there to set an example, to liberate others in your position. You must be strong, you have been, you proved a woman in this arena can be a great woman & save souls. Not everyone believes, but many do & many more will after you’re dead & your story is told. Right now people are hysterical about nudity & sex because the patriarchs made them so, but over the years, Patriarchy will crumble & Matriarchy will flourish, & then your example will shine. People will call you an icon of what was to come, & tearing down the walls of prejudice against women & sex. There has to be suffering in a mission like yours, you have to be strong to do it, & you must expect that you push the buttons of hysteria by being in the adult trade. More than anything, they are frightened of being criticized or shunned themselves, so they get rid of you to avoid that.

          Be patient, be brave, let God comfort you if people won’t – your rewards in Heaven are great.”


          ME: Thank you Padre Pio.


The Priest of Prostitutes


          Now we’re on the subject, I must cite one exception, Fr DePaul Genska, the ‘Priest of Prostitutes.’

          {To be continued}

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Core Tenets, Uncategorized

God Manages my Life


Continue Chapter 8  

My First Million   6-9-21



          As I said, I was floundering. Can’t recall exactly how I started selling pictures. I had a lot of fans & through some articles in magazines, where they allowed me to put my mailing address; I got their letters & started a list.


          I also said how I would pay people to take photos of me; I had a lot of them, most of them on chromes or ‘slides.’ Unsatisfied with my stripping career, which was not as busy as I’d liked {I explained all that in detail, how although I made big bucks each week I worked, there weren’t that many jobs, so at the end of the year I didn’t make a lot.}


          Now I did something few women would do {will explain further down}. In fact, I have to brag on myself, that of all the women in the adult trade in America – who I knew about – none of them succeeded in building a mail-order business the way I did. I created a ‘cottage industry’ one of my magazine editors called it. It started small but good.


          There was one – only one place in the entire city of New York, which had a MACHINE that took slides & pushed out PHOTOS. That machine venue stayed open LATE –until like 12AM.


          I would go ON THE SUBWAY, carrying hundreds of slides & hundreds of dollars, & stand at that machine, sometimes for two hours, cranking out those photos, one dollar each. I went late when few people would be there as they interfered with me, I with them –they’d complain to the manager I was there too long & they wanted to jump in.


          How did the men choose which photos they wanted? And believe it or not, they paid $5 each & were GLAD to do it. When I first started, I would tell guys ‘Five bucks a picture’ & they’d send me like twenty dollars or more & I would randomly pick out some. But then it got complicated, as they wanted more & more, & how could I recall which ones they already got?


          So I took the photos & made them into black & white catalogs – they had to pay for the catalogs. The pics were numbered. Now we were organized, they would tell me the name of the catalog & the numbers they wanted, send the money, I went to the machine, cranked out the pictures & vuallah.


          I might add that after a while, the pics had a theme, like ‘Glamour Domination,’ ‘Bun Fetish,’ ‘Leg Fetish,’ ‘Wrestling & Fighting’ ‘Kotex Fetish’ {believe it or not} “Stockings – Garters,’ ‘Mean Women Blues’ ‘Breast Fetish’ – You name it, can’t even recall all the fetishes, we ‘cover a multitude of sins.’


          Some things I did other women wouldn’t do. It wasn’t SAFE to go on subways at night, to this store with the machine, back & forth. You had to walk blocks after dark, alone, & you could be attacked – & I’m not talking the classy ‘East Side’ of New York but the business areas as well as Williamsburg when it was still a ‘slum’. But I did what I had to do. Maybe my three angels were working over time. I have to say, that in TWENTY TWO YEARS in New York City, going on subways & walking streets day & night, I was never once attacked in any way.


          Part 2 of this enterprise is I had videos from the ‘leg & wrestling’ man. I told you about when I worked on 7th avenue a producer hired me to do some videos for $500 a day – no sex involved – & I was amazed that this could MAKE A LIVING. He hired me several times, & I made the stipulation that I should receive a video to sell from each job, & he agreed. That was the beginning of the video business. Now I have images & videos for sale to a mail order fan club. I charged $100 for my first videos & they were selling! {$100 in 1987 is $236 in 2021!} Not saying a lot, just sold a few & it was mostly profit as I had already been paid by the producer. My expense of course is I had to buy the vcr’s, the blank video tapes, & my time & energy. This business was a bonanza right from the start – God gave it to me, not to any other woman. Probably my karma.


{The videos I first sold were for fetish men who were into leg worship & wrestling, they were innocent of sex, well done stuff by an intelligent, lovely man who painted great landscapes in oil & listened to opera & classical music.}


Through making these videos, my co star was a guy who knew all about the fetish-domination scene. He’d been married to two dominatrixes & knew the ropes. He also starred in hundreds of these type videos. We became good friends & he explained it to me. These guys – the producer & the friend named Christopher – were instrumental to my success. You have to do research, have knowledge, information, about the business you’re going into, & this was a big chunk of it.


I new nothing about domination or fetishes, but what I learned could fill a book. I will only give some highlights here to make my point of how I segued out of stripping into business & finally made decent money.

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Principles of Domination


The female domination business is not real domination, it’s mostly men ‘topping from the bottom.’ That means they tell you what they want & you do it. It’s the same ole’ routine as the straight men wanting to get off, but its submissive men wanting to. They write the script, they explain what has to be done, they pay you, and you do it.


Real, true domination would be Matriarchy, when women take over the family & the world, they make the rules, they hold the seats of power, they run the religions, the institutions, the economy, the schools, the fortune 500 companies – everything. This isn’t it. This is SEX FOR PAY. But it isn’t sexual intercourse – that doesn’t happen much in the business – it’s getting off mostly with masturbation for men.


We women have to learn, now, to be the OPPOSITE of what we were taught as girls – from the time of Jane Austen & before up until the 50’s we were taught to allow them to dominate – laugh at their jokes {especially the bad ones}, to act feminine, to build up their ego, etc. But now it’s this:


‘Don’t let him hold his head higher than yours. Don’t let him sit comfortably on furniture, on the floor. Don’t smile & laugh for him, stay neutral or grim. Put him down, criticize him, bully him, spank him, hit him, beat him up, get a dildo & sodomize him, make him worship you, your boots, lick the bottom of your shoes, spit at him, call him dirty names, humiliate him, etc.’


So now I learned, where once I had to be feminine to make money, I now had to be un-feminine for it, a total new role. I adjusted. And I realized, importantly, that the whole feminine shtick was just that. There was no law from God we had to be feminine, submissive or in any way underlings for men – it was men who invented this act. They told us through Patriarchy we had to be this way, it was the right way, & the ENFORCED IT with UNJUST LAWS, taboos, social etiquette, all sorts of punishments if we disobeyed – Much of the punishment based on OSTRACISM or being MARGINALIZED or UNACCEPTABLE in society, so we’d be pushed to the outskirts, couldn’t get a good husband to help us, wouldn’t be good material for jobs, no support, financial or emotional, all that BULL CRAP.

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And now, suddenly, for me, usually feminine like Marilyn Monroe, I am in an UNDERGROUND where I have to be MASCULINE in a sense, for pay. I am now REWARDED to be all the things the mainstream taught NOT TO BE.


What’s funny is that after I got into the business & started producing mega images & videos of domination, for some strange reason, people assumed I was ‘into it.’ They acted as if because I made a living at this, it was my enjoyment or pleasure. It wasn’t. Much of it was ridiculously funny, the laughs I enjoyed. But I never ‘got off’ or had any sort of sexual pleasure from acting out crazy male fantasies & fetishes.


The great thing about the business was the money, the independence, & no one could criticize me, tell me what to do, complain about how I looked or what I did – I was free, I was the boss, I was dominant, & they paid me big money.

Within two years, from 1987 to 1989, I had $200,000 in the bank, {worth $433,062 in 2021} the most money I’d ever had prior to that was 10k, in 1981.


          I named the business the ‘Private Fetish Corps,’ our motto, ‘We Cover a Multitude of Sins.’


          I was uncertain if I should quit stripping in 1987 & made this deal with God: ‘If I earn $1,000 this week, then it will be a sign from you I should quit stripping & work on this.’


          I went each day to the Post Office to count my money. Some of it was in cash, which was great. On the last day, Saturday, I had $940 plus a letter. The letter said,


          “I have $60 for you I will send Monday.”


          That made, exactly, to the penny, $1,000. I called my agent & quit stripping. It was just then he gave me my most lucrative offers, one for $5,000 a week plus expenses at the ‘Millionaire Club’ some place in Canada, & two the most money ever offered from NEW ZEALAND who wanted me for two weeks for 5k & said I didn’t even have to dance – JUST SPEAK! Wow, unbelievable. I still wish I could have gone to New Zealand to see the country, but God had given me the sign, I quit & that was it.


          For ten years, then, I ran the business, it evolved. Everyone I knew in the trade was impressed. Other females had tried mail order & failed. One of them was a famous porn star. Let’s call her Georgia. She invited me to her house to explain what she was doing – but she went bust with mail order & offered me her list.

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          The first thing she did wrong is she hired a female to do most of the desk work & for a good salary. You have to do it all yourself in the beginning until the biz grows. Then she had a partner with whom any profits were shared. She gave me her list. Glancing at it it had about 750 men, but I noticed lots of prisoners. What’s that all about? I said. She said they FELT SORRY FOR THEM. But they don’t have any MONEY I said, this is costing you money to send them materials. So that was the second mistake.


          I took the list home & because I didn’t know if these guys would become customers, I did not yet type them into a mail order list, I had to address each one BY HAND which took lots of time, but I did it. There was scant little return, not sure why. It was NOT A GOOD LIST & that’s why she failed & gave it to me.

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          I had a way of numbering my men. Each time they spent $100 I put an X next to their mailing label – then I’d know if I wanted to do a limited mailing who the best customers were. After all, sending a mailing to 3,000 men as I now had, requires a lot of POSTAGE & a bit of labor. {By now I always had an employee who sent out the list} I discovered that it was worth it to do all the mail first class, – I tried bulk mailing but found it to be tacky. Yes, I saved postage but the men felt what they received was ‘cheap.’ If I wanted first class money, I needed to send first class mail. Custom-made videos were sent on the best tapes enclosed in expensive plastic cases, all materials were packed properly, did not stint on anything.


          I also had a totally honest policy, of course. No kind of argument if someone complained, they got their money back, including if they sent cash. The men were impressed.


On some videos, which were CUSTOM MADE I forgot to say, if the customer DID NOT LIKE the work I REDID IT & I got good results. After I redid his video one guy, who owned a welding business, bought $1,000 worth of videos. His fetish? My hairy crotch, which I called ‘Gorilla Crotch.’ My then fiancé, Saintly Richard Von Werder, was the camera man whenever he could, if it involved just me.


          My videos were incredibly EXPENSIVE. Why? Because you could not get anything like them anywhere & each one was custom made to specific fetishes. The mainstream did not produce such videos, I had cornered this market.


          Again, as I said, no other female went to the lengths {that I know of} which I did. I had my men WRITE ME A SCRIPT. It was their own version of what they wanted, & they had to send a down payment with the script for me to even consider it. I told them ahead of time I would not produce anything that would hurt a creature – & of course where we ‘hurt’ men was all pretending. These were movies, not real life, they were acting & pretending, not reality. We tried to make everything seem real, but it wasn’t. And the videos had no real sex – except for a couple where the actors wanted it that way – I obliged them but they didn’t sell. My customers did not want mainstream sex – it didn’t turn them on, they only wanted fetishes, domination & women being cruel to men.


          Anyway, they’d send me their script, I would say OK, I will produce it, & I did, send me the rest of the money before you get the video – they did. I never had a script I did not produce, if I recall rightly. The ones that seemed antsy or difficult, I played the role myself. For instance, one guy got turned on by a husband & wife having a fight, he chases her into the yard & tried to strangle her – not to death, but it has to look serious. I played that role with an actor, then the guy himself. He had to pay about $500 each time. He did get out of hand when he played the husband, I had to hit him & broke his glasses – my cameraman would have stopped him before he got carried away, which he was starting to do. That’s why I played that role myself, didn’t want any trouble for some poor young lady.


          Another guy wanted nothing but seeing the bottoms of female’s feet. He wanted her to just show herself a few minutes first, walking or dancing around, then she would lie down & I put the camera on the bottoms of her feet. She could sleep, read, anything, just show the bottoms of the feet. Certain feet he loved, others he liked less. I paid the female a dollar a minute. So 60 mins of foot showing got $60 – it was easy work. The guy paid me around $300 for each video, & he got a half dozen of them with different models.


          A lot of my men wanted women wrestling with guys & beating them, one even wanted a female to ‘kill’ a guy by ‘strangling him with her feet’, the more violence we acted, the more the men liked it & bought them, so I would play up how tough, violent & cruel we were to the men & they ate it up.


          I had started the business with just me, the ones I spoke of, & then me dancing. The dancing segued into the domination because where most of my ads were domination-fetish newspapers –– free ads in exchange for your images – can’t beat that. So I gathered something beyond my fan base.


          As I made more money, instead of hiring a cameraman for $100 a day, I decided to buy equipment & do my own filming – it was expensive. Those days a good video camera cost 1k & you had to buy a few vcr’s – I had something like 10 vcr’s at one time, making copies. So I had to learn to film & make copies, a bit of technical know-how helped by my friend, Saint Esquire. He would learn how to run a camera, then taught me. He hooked up my vcr’s {men are better at technology than women} & figured out how to run them. When it was me as the star, he also filmed me. He helped me build my business without asking for anything in return, just friendship. So you see, I had my two best men friends helped me with business.


          Pretty soon I hired other females for variety. I liked being behind the camera more than in front of it. Most of the actresses I got were porn stars, dancers, women from the adult trade. Later I made a lot of tame videos, even without nudity, & I used local amateurs. I produced thousands of photos of the females, & these were sent to magazines free of charge. The magazines would use the pics & give me a free ad – it worked. I was featured a lot in Hustler Erotic Video & the Gent fetish magazine. The business was work but also fun. We had so many laughs.


          Now here is why I made good money. After the initial guy got his custom-made video, I put it for sale to the rest of the guys. I didn’t sell hundreds, but I sold dozens. My videos were average two hours long, & they sold for up to $250 each, believe it or not, & they guys were buying them as they were unusual.

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          One lucrative sale was a store on 42nd St. bought my work wholesale – half price, & they would buy like $10,000 worth at a time. The owner spoke to me by phone & said he made good money with them – men wanted my videos at $250 per video!


          I ran the business for ten years, taking in an average of 100k per year – not profit, but gross sales, but that does come to one million in ten years. That’s the story on that, I’m not giving too many details here, perhaps in another book, but the point I am making is how I became well off by the grace of God. Now speaking of God, let me explain an important point.



The Economy of God – Seeing Her Face to Face



          Prior to starting this business, my life was one of devotion to God, an all-out ‘Put first the Kingdom of God & everything shall be added unto you.’


          I spent much of my time alone even though I was in the adult trade, & my life was primarily, above all things, besides survival, getting closer to God. I would do anything to get closer to God – Go was what I wanted & loved more than anything on earth.


          The path I was on was one of Sainthood. Many people won’t believe this, but I speak the truth, my models were the saints, my behavior was that of the saints, my activities alone were mostly prayer, meditation, Church & spiritual reading. As I said, when I was the Stripper for God, I didn’t work every week but sporadically, & I had plenty of time for devotion. I even went on a binge one time, for 3 ½ years, where I never missed one day of Holy Mass, & one hour after Mass in the Church each time, praying. {This came about because the Holy Virgin appeared to me in a dream & wanted me to receive more Holy Communion.}


          I got many graces & gifts from God – revelations, visions, Gifts of the Holy Spirit – Jesus & Mary appeared to me several times with stupendous blessings. I had the most incredible walk with God, & in 1981 I entered into seclusion. This is a time all saints I studied went through, it was from a year to two or three years, they sequestered themselves for a special time with God. They left the world, people, their family, job, everything, to be alone to what I know now to be the FINAL STEPS in becoming ONE WITH GOD.


          In 1981 I told all my friends & relatives, even my most devoted disciple, to forget me. Don’t call me, write me, visit me, nothing. I have to be alone. I didn’t know why, I just know I had to be. I lived off my savings on about $50 a week.


          I removed the beds from my apt – don’t recall how or why—just recall the beds were gone – I slept on the floor – Mass every morning, then any errands gotten out of the way. I was eager to get back to my 6th floor walkup & be alone with God. I felt her Presence, it was Holy, it was Blissful. I did not speak to people, I entered into another world, another consciousness & alone, I was never less lonely. I communicated with Souls in Purgatory, starting with Errol Flynn, later, many other celebrity & unknown Souls – it was Heaven on earth.

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          Finally, all this culminated in my experience of SEEING GOD FACE TO FACE, not once but twice. I actually left this earth & entered Heaven on Feb. 13, 1982 & again on March 23, 1982. It lasted but moments each time, but was worth the equivalent of a hundred years of ecstasy, it’s impossible to describe accurately & all I can say is superlatives, what God is, what Heaven is. Suffice to say when we enter Heaven or see God as God is, we are there not only with our souls but our bodies. I don’t know what form we are in exactly, but it’s as if you have a physical body because all the senses are working, & what you perceive with your senses is beyond anything on earth – you feel, taste, touch, smell, hear, everything as you do on earth only a thousand times more clearly & sharply, like you just woke up out of a dull dream & became alive, like every pain you ever had is a million miles away & all you can do is love & receive love & it is ECSTASY. The ecstasy is so great that you can only be there a short time, then you must return, as it’s too much to bear.


          When these highlights of my life were over I remained happy with God, still alone, doing all my spiritual routines. I wanted nothing else, I was wishing I did not have to go back to the world. I knew my money would run out at some point, but I wished to delay this as long as possible.


The Interior Divine Stigmata


                    I will not delve into this in great detail because it won’t serve the purpose of this book, I shall make it as brief as possible. If this subject interests you, please view my book “On the Attainment of the Divine Stigmata,’ where I give a day-by-day account of the proceedings.


          Suffice to say, during the year 1981 – 1982 I received the Highest Honors from God & all the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, & even Our Holy Mother appeared to me on a blessed night & infused me with the Evangelical virtues – Poverty, Chastity & Obedience. As I said, I lived in another world. The world as we know it faded away, I walked on a cloud, I lived in Heaven. I felt & heard God every minute. There were deprivations &sacrifices, like fasting, constant prayer, constant spiritual activities. Some of it was hard –like the fasting with no food or water once a week for 24 hours {don’t ever fast without water, just food; it can hurt your health.} But these type sufferings were bittersweet; the Presence of God did not leave me.


          Then I got the bright idea of praying for the Divine Stigmata. I reasoned I had everything else that I knew of. Jesus had appeared to me as Commander-in-Chief one glorious day &gave me some kind of Power. He also gave me three Rings of blue light, visible all night, which represented Faith, Hope & Charity, the Theological Virtues, & also signified our Betrothal or Marriage. I saw it all in visions, Light was visible. The room would disappear & get filled with blue Light, I’d be standing on air during these times.

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          IMO I believed this Grace was so beyond me, if I started praying now {1982 I was37 years old} I might receive it in my 70’s – if such a thing were possible. I believed it to be the highest reach there is, as the greatest Saints I venerated had the stigmata – St. Francis of Assisi, Saint Padre Pio, & the Interior Stigmata {engraving of Christ’s wounds on the heart as St. Gertrude described it} –my mentor St. Gertrude, St. Catherine of Sienna, Saint Teresa of Avila, – Who was I compared to them?


          In fact, one time as I reached the front door of my building, Ole’ Sleufoot appeared & said to me,


          “You think you’re St. Francis of Assisi?”

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          I was stunned & pondered why he appeared & said that. Could it be because I really resembled St. Francis & he was angry?


          Let me add this – Some people think you have to go into the mountains & be a hermit to receive such graces, or some kind of convent or monastery, far away from everyone & everything. You can be in a hermitage & in the mountains mentally in the middle of Brooklyn – I was. Living at 356 South 1st St, between Hooper & Keap, apt 33, was where I lived. The city & people throbbed all around me, but I was not there, not connected; I was in a place with God, for God, from God, in God, nowhere else.


          So determined to move ahead, no knowing whereof I prayed, what exactly it was that I asked for, I opened the books of St. Gertrude the Great & St. Francis & read their prayers for the Stigmata every day. The reason I had no idea what it was is because no saint had ever explained it – believe it or not. So perhaps it behooves me to be the one who having gotten the Grace, explain it properly, which I have already done in my book. I shall briefly review the event.


          So I am praying, not sure how long. Was it three months? At that time God transpired changes in me that were a foreboding of spiritual ‘disaster.’ Something was happening in my Heart & brain. My heart swelled up into giant size, with love, like the Chakra where the heart is, then it would break or smash into pieces. It swelled up again, & again, & again, with powerful sensations, then breaks as many times, but this went on for hours.


          I was in such pain emotionally & mentally I could not respond to people. I went into the street & a man who knew me stopped his car & asked if I needed a ride. I said no, knowing, THAT THIS PAIN I FELT I HAD TO ENDURE – THERE COULD BE NO ALLEVIATION OR THE GRACE WOULD NOT OCCUR.


          I knew on some level the Divine Stigmata was taking place & I learned what it was through experience. Can’t recall if it was this day or the next I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror & knew I had GONE TEMPORARILY INSANE. It’s a pain that’s so great that your mind can’t take it – different from a ‘nervous breakdown,’ – {I had one of those many years later—it’s not supernatural} – This was.

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          After my heart broke for the last time, my brain had been drained, as if there were spark plugs in it & every one of them blew – so that no more energy could be created, I went into a darkness – even my dreams were nightmares of darkness such as I had never experienced – demons in the shape of black girls appeared & pushed me into darkness from which I could not escape, it was terrifying.


          The Divine Stigmata is MARTYRDOM. Your body doesn’t die, in this case but you can no longer utilize the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, which God gave you. It’s well known that God NEVER REPENTS OR TAKES BACK A GIFT. But you can lose the ability to use the gift, through the mechanical or biological demise of your body or instrument.   And that’s what happened.


          Through this martyrdom, this total poverty, I could no longer use any of the God-given Gifts. I did not know that’s what I asked for, but I did. Heaven left me; the Presence of God was no longer felt. I was alone, vulnerable & lonely. Pretty soon I reached out to people. I couldn’t live without them, as I had nothing else; the world came back, the evil, shallow, dingy, dreary world. I called it being back in ‘the shallows & wastes of human sense.’ Oh, what misery! To have been in Heaven on earth, then Heaven is gone, you are on clay feet, you are ordinary, deprived, vulnerable, poor, empty, shallow, miserable, all happiness evaporates. Woe is me! And that is Divine Stigmata!


          I count the date officially as Oct 9, 1982, when it started. And was it just a few days of this mess? Now hear me, & hear me well. This Grace cost me plenty sorrow, it lasted EIGHTEEN YEARS. I did not come out of this forsaken state – some call it ‘Dark Night of the Soul,’ until the year 2000. It was 1982 to 2000 – I could not communicate with God or pray with consolation – my only thing left was FAITH.


          There is a definite reason why I bring up this Grace now, right after explaining my involvement in the business ventures.


          It’s about God’s economy & management of my life – giving me all the things I prayed for, the things Jesus promised me, the things I karmically earned.


          Had I been in the state first described – Heaven on earth – I could not have run this business. The business world, in general is gross. To be in the specific business I was in is even grosser. These two worlds are in conflict, they cannot coincide. There are few saints or mystics who ever owned businesses or were tycoons in a successful way, while at the same time, enjoying the benefits of the Presence of God. One consciousness closes the other, they are not able to coincide.


          And so God ordered it this way, that during my Dark Night of the Soul, I could manage to get into this work, be good at it, make money, & while I could not enjoy the precincts of God, I gave great donations to charity, I took out of the gross income from 8 to 10% & got Masses for the Souls in Purgatory {my favorite charity, besides helping animals.}

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          This time I was not studying St. Thomas Aquinas but the Apostle of Prosperity, Catherine Ponder, & having read her books, sent her almost 4k for her efforts. She taught me a lot that I still practice today – how to pray in a way to draw prosperity & succeed at whatever you do. It was new stuff & she’s the best teacher.


          During this time also another promise from Jesus Christ was fulfilled. God’s economy is what I’m underlining here. In Jan 1978 Jesus appeared to me with Great Gifts {it was at the Playboy Club explained in my book one of ‘I Strip for God’} He said to me to ask for three gifts He would fulfill in honor of our betrothal. I mentioned spiritual ones & He said,


          “Ask for things of the earth, what you experience here.”


          So the first & obvious things that came into my head – I didn’t know what else to say, was,


          “I want to be a millionaire, a movie star & to have spiritual relationships with men.”


          Now understand, the millionaire & movie star requests were answered at least in part, through this business. They were movies, weren’t they? I had done movies before, but now there were hundreds. And I earned a million dollars in gross sales in ten years. But on top of that, with the first 200k I saved, God inspired me to go to the right area to buy property, which She said, ‘Go – see it – you will be rich.’ And thirty years later, they declared GAS & OIL under my property, & I had a good amount, there would be BIG MONEY some day, the gas first, then the oil pulled out, could factor in the millions over the years.


          And so God fulfilled her promise, in the name of Jesus Christ, that request I made through this business & this property, acquired during my Dark Night of the Soul when I could not enjoy God & Heaven – God used this time for my profit.


          My third request, to have spiritual relations with men, occurred during my ministry to the Holy Souls in Purgatory. Most of the souls I help are men. And it is the most gratifying ministry I’ve ever had. {End Chapter 8}


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized

God Compensated my Losses


Chapter 8     What People Did to Me


What God Did for Me   6-5-21



                     Just thinking, I’ve groaned a lot about the injustices & abuse of people to me, but what I must present now is what God did to make up for it. For example:


          In Part 3 of my Life I told the sorrowful incident of my friend & neighbor bringing to our front door {in my absence, Middletown, NJ, 2 Knapp Circle} a birthday cake for me. My Mom rejected this gift, saying, ‘We bake our own cakes here.’ And not a one of them in the household even said a greeting to me, no card, no gift, no cake, no nothing. And I shall channel Mother God as to why Mom & her accomplice did this. Mother God, explain the motive:


          MOTHER GOD:   She, they, de facto, were rejecting any love being shown to you – respect, kindness, anything good being given you had to be rejected, as you have explained. They wanted to destroy you. {End channeling}


          OK, but here’s what GOD did. Years later, I’m around 40, I was dating a handsome lawyer who was also a gourmet cook, let’s call him Saint Esquire. On the day of my birthday he took a cab from Forest Hills, NY to Williamsburg, B’klyn, to bring me a birthday cake, made with his own hands, a beautiful carrot cake!

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          This man, while on the subject, also did this. I was returning from a job some place with heavy suitcases which had to be carried 6 flights of stairs {I never had a companion who helped me this way, travel was hard} He knew when I’d be there; again, he took a cab for just one thing, to carry my suitcases up!


          Throughout my childhood, from the age of ten, until I left home, I was purposefully impoverished. The burden of the household chores mostly fell to me – I did all but the cooking {Mom would not share her glory of being a chef with me, she forbid me to cook when I tried, screaming & hitting me}. I cleaned house, fed the animals, did the dishes, baby sat my half sister, did most of the ironing {in those days many items had to be ironed, etc.} Mom & two other members of the household worked – they had money – but no allowance was given me {I never even thought of an allowance} – I was slave labor.


Dad was contributing money, some of it could have been given me, & Mom suggested to the other household members once, why not give Rasa an allowance from our salaries? She knew they would shoot that down, which they did, ‘No! No! No! No allowance for Rasa! She pretended to me that she wanted this, she would give me $40 a week! That was a fortune to me & then, she took it away by letting the other members say no.


          Mom was earning minimum wage & it says that minimum wage in 1959 was $1 an hour – the restaurant we all worked in at one time paid us .50 an hour – for the servers there were tips, so maybe it came to 2.50 per hour.

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          They could have easily given me $40 a week between the 3 of them or less, $20 or just $10 would have meant something – even $5 would have been appreciated – I saved them most of the household chores.


          Later on, my services were not crucial, no slave needed. The half sister was 9 years old when we moved to Middletown, NJ, so could be left alone, the house was new & cleaning it easy – there were no animals to care for. Now was the chance for me to work! But every time I got a job if Mom discovered it, she’d call up & have me fired on the pretext, ‘She does not have my permission to work, I want her to concentrate on school.’ {That was a lie, she wanted to disempower me, punish or torture me.} And Mom gave me no cash for necessities – not even school supplies or dentist – which could have been garnished from what Dad gave {I never even thought of telling Dad about this, I was devoid of knowing my rights. I was not aware of any government agency that protected children; to me it was unheard of, the thought that I could complain to a legitimate agency that I was being deprived of basic rights in the home.}


          So I was unjustly impoverished in our house. When I finally left home my first husband cancelled his life insurance to leave myself & our daughter penniless – I had $5 to my name after the funeral. His Mom was with us at his death, {she sensed his end was coming, she arrived days before it} I could not conceive of asking her for money – in fact, she asked me if I could afford the funeral. I didn’t know what that meant, I thought that if I had $1,000 plus a fiver to my name, & the funeral cost $1k, then I could afford it – so I paid it instead of asking her to. She was not poor or broke, had then about 60k in the bank. I had trouble asking anyone for anything, as the family convinced me that I deserved nothing.


          Now when I entered show business, I had a fighting chance. But I was raising a child alone, expenses were high, as anyone knows who has children, if you are the sole parent, no one in the family to baby sit, child care is expensive. So I was one woman alone, paying the bills, & child care. Those years I had no nest egg, the most I ever had before 1981, age 33, in the bank, was $1,500.


          I’m trying to explain why I was poor & how I was poor. First, My Mom caused my poverty, & second, my first husband contributed – actually caused it. You might ask, why did I have a child? – He forced both marriage & pregnancy on me. I could have supported myself single, but he wanted to USE ME {for sex, arm candy, nursing if he had a return of the cancer.} I asked him to help me get my own place – no go. He insisted we had to get married, & tricked me into a pregnancy. We always used the ‘pull out method’ but on our honeymoon he inseminated me without consent, & nine months to the day after that event, I bore a child. His plan was to keep me tied to the house – the child was his tool.

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          So rounds one & two of my young life were a financial bust. Round three was going into show business after his death. I became a star by the grace of God, but I was not solvent, it was insecure living week to week, not knowing, when I became a stripper, what jobs these agents would get me – one year my agent Don DeCarlo of Pittsburg, I realized later, was not even trying – he was ripping me off for 20% on my jobs – I put him down to 10% & after six months no jobs I understood there were no more jobs from him – he had to have 20% or I got nothing. Understand, managers get up to 50%, but they work full time for you. But an agent – mine anyway – did only one thing – call the club & negotiate. {I even provided the clubs through my own foot work.} The clubs on the road, you could not book yourself, you had to have representation. Depending on how good of a talker they were, is what you got.


          Another thing, is as I got more & more well known – {I did all the publicity myself – in 21 years I was helped by the management only twice – in Cleveland, Ohio & Toronto, Canada, the theaters gave me a bona fide press conference} – THEY made more money, my salary remained the same. I did not get paid for contacting the press, doing interviews, getting the club or theater filled up.


One guy in Canada made so much money off me that he put a down payment on a new hotel – I estimate he made $75k profit while I made $2,500. {Guessing by how many seats were occupied in the club, what they charged at the door & drinks. The coffee shop they had ran out of all food & could not keep up with it. The club was huge – maybe 1,000 seats – & filled up for two weeks. That’s why I worked mostly Canada in my last years – they had clubs much bigger than America & so could pay more.}


          Now that’s what people did to me. But what did God do? I’m explaining the economy of God, her management of my life, her compensating me while people deprived me, punished me or exploited me. God was on my side – & so She is on yours if you do her will. If you do not obey God & are her enemy, then of course, She will not bless you & compensate you for your sufferings. Judas the traitor was not rewarded by God, he met his own fate, probably in Hell.


          And so, for the unfortunate poverty, misery, insecurity & most of all, lack of love I suffered at the hands of people, this is what God did for me: And I shall ask Mother God to answer for me. First question, what did God do for me because I was deprived of love?

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          MOTHER GOD:   When a God-loving person is unjustly deprived of love, they get closer in intimacy with God. That entails a whole gamut of consolation, gifts & blessings. It’s the deeper happiness which is not of this world.


          Being intimate with God, One with her, is the greatest gift of all – it is heaven. One can undergo all kinds of earthly deprivations & tortures & still be happy if they are close to God – look at what the saints went through, & most of the time they were happy. Their sufferings were not bitter or dry, their pain, when endured for God, brought sweetness to their souls. So you, most of the time, had consolation with God, felt her Presence, felt love, you were not ‘the walking dead’ like the majority of folks are – they are spiritually dead. As you well know & say it again & again, the saints say the majority enter Hell – more men than women, more rich people than poor.


          ME:   And say in your words, dear Mother God, how I was compensated for the lack of resources & security.


          MOTHER GOD:   Oh, that’s a biggie, you were greatly rewarded & compensated. First, God gave you the ability to make a million dollars in earnings through business. That started in the year 1987, age 42 – God helped you create the mail order video business which, for the first time in your life, you were rich. The business took in one million dollars in ten years.


          When you saved 200k by 1989 you prayed daily for six months for a house. God guided you, your fiancé drove you into the country {from B’klyn} to start looking upstate NY. After the second time looking, God appeared to you in a dream, as Mrs. Ronald Reagan, the wife of the President. {This type of apparition bespeaks Power & Prosperity, being the wife, not the President himself, hints at ‘domestic’ or ‘home.’}

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          She said to you, showing you a listing you had,

          “I have a house for one of your deserving poor. Go! {see it} – You will be rich!”


          You had no idea what the ‘you will be rich’ meant. You did get rich from business, then you got rich after you married & your husband died. But that’s not what God was talking about. Thirty years after you bought your property – & God was guiding you what to purchase – they announced GAS & OIL underground, ‘The Marcellus Shale’ – enough fossil fuel to energize a large area of the US. That was the riches to come – not realized yet but will be in your lifetime – God said so.


          And so, there is one example, God gave you property with gas & oil under it – nothing like that happened to any of the folks who abused you, used you or deprived you. Think of how much God loves you by this reward.


          ME:   And I might add that I think it’s important I did not hate or take revenge on my persecutors, I endured it stoically the way Jesus & his saints did/do. I think that summons the Grace of God, whereas, revenge, & hate against ones enemies would dispel God’s rewards.


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          MOTHER GOD:   Indeed, hate & revenge would prevent God from compensating you, as you close the door of the heart to Grace, Grace cannot then come in. One must have an open heart & good qualities to receive God’s blessings.



The Road to Success – How I Made One Million Dollars



I will briefly explain my business success. It was in video production, starting with just myself dancing, then later, hiring others to act with me in female domination & fetish work. But it started with just pictures of me, which men bought for $5 a piece. {Here’s that girl the family called ugly, selling pics of herself to make a living – did they make sense?}



Around 1985-86 I was dissatisfied with my stripping business. I had been sporadically ‘on the road’ since 1972, I was now pushing 40, I had gained 10 lbs {capital sin, they exaggerate all your faults, just gain a tiny bit of weight & one club owner told my agent I gained 50 lbs–ridiculous} & others just didn’t like me for whatever reason, being I was middle aged or had some esoteric music.


There was a horrible man in Canada who tried to make me enter the country without a visa {that was illegal} which means he didn’t like me as soon as he saw me at the airport – he would have probably called the authorities the next day to pick me up, being without visa, an evil man. Anyway, before the end of the week he fired me, & it really hurt. I think it was one of my acts he didn’t like – it was unusual Latin music from the 40’s – like ‘The Peanut Vendor’ & ‘Granada’ & ‘Siboney’ & I wore an all white lace outfit. But I believe he just didn’t like my look at the airport & each day he figured how to get rid of me, finally, just struck the axe. He was the young son of the owner, Jewish, that’s all I remember, can’t remember the club name or his. He was arrogant, uncaring, and devious. They gave me no publicity, no advertising at this miserable place, it was a quasi-brothel with lap dances & all that – the guy told me ‘you don’t fit in’. Strangely, the book I chose to bring that week as my reading material had to do with management of pain!

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It wasn’t all bad. I was still beautiful. I will prove it with other pictures from my last 2 years in Canada – it’s just no matter what, you meet some people who don’t like you as you don’t meet their preference – their idea or type they want. Consider, I didn’t like handsome Arnold – I liked darker guys at the time, so I rejected him – not his fault, he had what it takes but I wanted something else.


However, the problem was agents. There was no such thing as a list or easy way to find out where the clubs & theaters were, how to contact them. There was no internet, no yellow pages that covered America & Canada with all the venues. You had to beg, borrow or steal names from other dancers – if they would share them.


I met the husband of one star in 1984 – he came to see me at the Hubba Hubba Club in Honolulu, Hawaii. He sat with me & painstakingly picked his brain for every place his wife had worked – that helped. I had Don de’Carlo call them & got jobs. So it was hard to find places, your agent had to contact them – they would not book any of us directly – it’s the pimp system – men must have their share. {That’s how prostitutes are pimped by the Patriarchy. Make it illegal, pick them up, cops get paid, judges get paid, it’s the women’s money in fines. Use them, put them back in the street & start all over again next time. This is explained in a book I’m part of called ‘Sex Work.’}


So I got maybe 5-6 jobs a year in 1985-86 – they were high paying, but even at 3k per week, it only adds up to 15k a year, counting polaroids, ok, add 1k to that. If I had 6 jobs it would be 18 k a year plus 1k for polaroids. {Meaning the customers paid me $10 each to be in a Polaroid with them.} I lived MODESTLY in a 6 floor walk up that was rent controlled, so I could make it, but I wasn’t thriving, just surviving.


You might ask why didn’t I work at one steady place in NYC, regularly? Indeed, I did, I do recall because my new best friend, Saint Esquire, was picking me up at work. It was OK for a while, they paid me $30 a show & there were 4 shows a day. That meant $120 a day or $720 a week – a big come down from $3k on the road. $750 a week in 1987 today amounts to $1,735. 3k a week in 1987 is $7,230 so with 6 jobs a year I made $43,380 today’s money – which is not bad, not good for a star or for building a nest egg.


I get on the internet, that the min wage in 1987 was $3.35. But also this:   In 1989, the median American household made $51,681 in current dollars. {Not sure which year they speak of, maybe 2012.}

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OK, so household might mean two people working, even three. I’m trying to explain what my status actually was, accurately, that although I was ‘a star’ & in headlines in newspapers, covers of magazines & TV shows, I was struggling & surviving, no wealth, no nest egg, until the time I shall explain.


I worked at this place in Times Square – I think it was 7th Ave but can’t recall the name – about 5 weeks. {After 5 weeks they were going to demote me to $15 a show – although it was easy for me to work there, this cut hurt my pride & I quit.} They did not put my name out there, no advertising, nothing. Why? Because it was a porno palace, they made money from sex. {To draw undue attention might have been bad, as I don’t think sex on stage was legal, I guess they paid people off.} Not direct sex with the customers, but like this. You walk in, can watch porn videos in booths downstairs, masturbating of course. {I wonder who cleans up the sperm. I know a guy who slid on it carrying the cash box away& almost broke his neck.}


Upstairs, where my small theater was, way to the back past a turnstile you pay to go through, you have a couple options. You can watch a real sex show in a glass cage, a male & female, or else two females, which you pay for. Can’t recall how they hide the cage from the non-payers, I think you watch through some sort of peep-hole like binoculars.


To the left are the masturbation booths. You go in, across from you behind a glass is a female. You pull out your penis & start to masturbate, & she is supposed to turn you on & walk you through it. She can show her vagina & play with it I imagine. You give her the script. One female told me that a young black man told her to curse out his mother, call her every bad name you could think of, like dirty whore, & that made him horny & happy. I found that unusual & amazing.


This poor, poor girl showed me her scalp, where a man had attacked her with a knife & sliced off part of her flesh along with hair – she was concerned, was the loss of flesh & hair obvious? She was trying to make a living. No one said the adult trade was easy or safe. Why are prostitutes singled out for violence & murder? – Because they’re there, on the street, available & vulnerable. No wonder they start to take drugs. It’s a Catch-22 situation. The average prostitute is raped or violated forcefully 5 times per week. Imagine if that were to happen to you on the job? Wouldn’t you need a substance to keep going? Of course some of them already were addicts, but those who weren’t, need help to get through – unless they are combinations of Hercules & Wonder Woman.

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Now in the middle of these activities as I said, is my theater. Go through the turnstile & there’s a round series of seats, just like a real theater, with a stage around 15’ long & 6’ wide, where the acts occur. What are the acts? – Dancers? No I was the only dancer. You would not believe the acts I had to follow & remain the main attraction.


There would be two different couples who actually had real sex on stage. While I was there one couple the female was average looking, overweight, the guy fairly good looking. I don’t know how these guys could get a hard-on & do it 4 times a day, & this couple told me they did it again at home – Samson step aside. They were paid – I’m not lying – $6 a show. Another couple was French, both good looking – they washed the plastic bed on stage with alcohol before each round. I wanted to see them perform & got emboldened to sit in the audience one day, but someone interrupted me to go somewhere. To this day although I worked in such places, I never have seen a live sex act. This attractive couple told me they made $7 a show. There was a third couple also, very attractive.


The other act I remember was a Latin female, cute, very thin, who walked around for a couple minutes, then sat down & masturbated with a huge black dildo. That was it – every act on stage except me was sex.


So now imagine, I come out, & I have to be somehow more exciting than the previous. How could one manage that? Supposedly beauty & talent win the day, consider I was being paid ten times what these others were. People did like me & applauded well, a video producer came – which come to think of it – was responsible for me starting my own business! He hired me for domination videos at a good price, $500 a day plus a copy to sell – no sex involved. I asked him can you really make a living at this? He lived in a good part of town in a beautiful apt – so I thought if he could do it, I could do it, & later I did. His specialty was wrestling videos. He said with my legs, I could do a great ‘scissors’ whatever that was. I was fascinated. Will get back to what I did later.

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So now here I am, in this sex emporium, among my NY neighbors, not sure where life is going next.


I was working on & off, months would drag by where I had no income & often worked on publicity. I would go to a newsstand called ‘Hotalings,’ which carried newspapers & magazines from all over the world. I would pick up like $50 {$120.50 today} or more of these periodicals, take them home, peruse them & send them my story as the ‘Stripper for God’ with plenty photos & slides. I got into the international media that way – Germany’s STERN {which was like our ‘Life’ Magazine or ‘Look’ – Italian, French, English, Spanish, Australian – everywhere. My publicity is featured on Kellie Everts I Strip for God website – many of the periodicals are featured as well as numerous TV shows.


In fact, because of this onslaught of publicity, they sent reporters from Spain to do a big story for a top magazine, & the Australians sent their ‘60 minutes’ staff to show me dancing & an interview – they even paid me $300. Whenever I danced in NYC international travelers would tell me they’d seen documentaries on me in Italy, Australia & elsewhere. I even got letters from Papa New Guinea & Poland. Some of the stuff I believe was copied from work done in America. There have been at least eleven documentaries done on me.


As a photographer of ‘America’s Most Beautiful Men’ – which I did from 2012 to 2017 – I met on the phone hundreds of aspiring male models & dozens in person. I tried to show them the ropes, but none of them except one listened to me. The one who listened made it to the top – he became a poster boy for Ralph Lauren. He already had what it takes, he did the right things, he worked hard & he made it. The rest of them flopped. They just didn’t have the brains to listen & learn, they thought they knew how to reinvent the wheel, that their case was different, they would make it on what they knew, but they knew nothing.


You have to be young & dumb before you can be old & wise. Was I ever that dumb? No indeed, because I started trying age 16, & did what had to be done. These yokels just sit on their ass & expect people to appear & ‘give them a break’ – but no one appears. When I came into their lives I explained that in order to make it in any field of show business – even products – there has to be advertising, publicity, promotion & media. And no one will GIVE this to you, you have to TAKE THE WHEEL & steer yourself, or else find a manager who falls in love with you & does the work while you perform. There is no other way – but they won’t listen. I heard a minister say,

          “There is work in the working of miracles.” To be a genuine star is sort of a miracle – & it takes constant hard work getting there. That’s what they aren’t doing. {Will get to the million dollars deal before I end this chapter.}

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In Between Dancing & Publicity I was Uncertain



          Didn’t know where I was going – how I could make it. Two things in my favor, I was Kellie Everts, an adult trade / notoriety star. Second, I met a guy who made wrestling / domination videos & he was making a living. {How one thing leads to another Had I not been working at this porn palace at the time, I would not have met this industry producer & got the idea from him – being ‘out there’ even under less than ideal conditions can lead to meaningful paths.} These two items were the catalysts for success – but not right away.


The dilemma went like so: I cannot get married & have a guy support me because I am celibate {In fact ultra rich Robert Atkins courted me in 1981 & wanted to marry me, but I turned him down, it was impossible, my celibacy plus he was Jewish – I could not repudiate my religion – Or my celibacy which was vowed to God.}

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And of course I cannot be a prostitute or call girl because I am celibate – even if I was not celibate, I couldn’t do it because it would hurt my dignity. I know the women who go into this have to. {Many of the women retiring from dancing went into prostitution or got married, they were the paths of least resistance, indeed, one I knew went back to school teaching & there were other ways.} But I would find another way. But what was the way? What could a celibate woman, in the adult trade, do to make a living?


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Six Months House Arrest

Kellie-Everts-photographed-by-Edmund-Leja-05 (1)


Chapter 7     6 Months House Arrest 

  for Dancing with a Puerto Rican   6-3-21


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                    Both Mom & her sister, Aunt Dagmar, had a thing against ‘sex.’ Dagmar, who we called ‘Ara’ was a faithful housewife as far as we know, from the time she married Uncle Henry until forever,  even after his death.


          Mom was different. She got tired of Dad & began to have love affairs with other men way back when, not sure when, but was told that in Germany she kept a diary of her activities & she & Dad had fights over his sneaking into it.


          She was so active that during the time she lived with Dad, she had 4 abortions – only one his. {Later there were at least 3 more abortions…I read an interesting statistic – that the average number of abortions of an Eastern European woman, – those under Communist rule – was 7 – I went ‘bingo.’ My Lithuanian cousin spent several months with me in the USA & spoke what it was like under the Communists. The leaders were all men. They decided on what provisions would be available to the public, including birth control & hygiene, to that end the provided no KOTEX – sanitary napkins – or TAMPAX – for women to collect blood from their periods. And so, women had to use cloths or rags for that purpose, throw them away incessantly or wash them & use them again. Cousin also told me they only had brassieres that were shaped like bags, they had no bras that enhanced a woman’s curvature. And now, I came to this conclusion, being MEN & therefore, narrow minded for their own concerns & wishes, at the exclusion of what is best for both women & men, they OFFERED NO CONDOMS on the market. Let women get pregnant, what did they care, in fact, let their sperm live, whatever happens to the kids, let the woman bear the burden. And so, WOMEN ENDED UP USING ABORTION, PROVIDED ‘FREE’ BY THE GOVERNMENT, AS THEIR MEANS OF BIRTH CONTROL, thereby creating the 7 per woman statistic. And that was the system Mom started out with & kept up that pattern. I channeled Mom on this in Book 3.}


          Although Ara was sexually inactive while Mom was active, they had the same attitude toward sex. Sex was a no-no for OTHER PEOPLE. Any female perceived as, or known to be sexually active, was a BAD PERSON {except for Mom, there is no log in her eye, but she sees the toothpick in that of others.} To that effect, I shall explain how I went under Mom’s HOUSE ARREST for six months for dancing with a Puerto Rican.


          After our homestead efforts went bust, Mom got a job at a factory called ‘Brockway Glass.’ There she met a local woman, fat & unattractive, who had a farm with her husband. Not sure if the husband was still there, but this woman said something that OUTRAGED Mom. She told me about it. She had had SEX with one or more Puerto Rican field hands that worked on her farm, to wit, she said,


          “Some of those Puerto Ricans are DAMN good looking men!”

!##################!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4eee53ad9dd0d 11 13 12 B FLAT BRANDON 1 011 VV FLAT 

          When Mom repeated those words to me, with a shudder, her eyebrows arched – like how OUTRAGEOUS this was. This woman thought Puerto Ricans were handsome, had sex with them, & HAD A SON by one of them.


          I met two of this woman’s children, a female my age, & the half Puerto Rican son. I was extra friendly with her, acquainted but not close to him, {one time he needed to write an essay on Kennedy vs Nixon, he couldn’t do it – so I wrote it for him. My speech was so good, a male teacher read it & gave me his precious 8X10 image of John Kennedy SIGNED. I wish I still had it.}


          So there was a dance where I took part, & the Puerto Rican son was there. A twist contest came up – I had never done it {being 14 there’s a lot of things I hadn’t done} – they showed me it, I WON the contest with the boy. Another dance contest came up & we also won that – that happened to me all the time. We had dances every week at a local Catholic Church {kind of a safe place for kids to hang out, supervised by nuns}, every contest they held was won by me, no matter who my partner was.


          After the dance my Mom calls me to the kitchen table for a talk. She says, is it true that I danced with this half Puerto Rican boy? Because his mom bragged to Mom that we had won contests. And on top of that, was I so friendly with her daughter that we shared clothes, switching clothes so each of us had a bigger wardrobe? I said yes to both items.


          A dark spirit crossed her face & she ominously pronounced,


         “Because of this, you will not leave the house for six months. You cannot go with us when we shop, no visits with friends, no activities, no trips outside the house. You are grounded.”


          This was not an easy punishment to take. My way out of isolation / loneliness was to do this walk in the woods every day. There was some kind of a round road through the woods, which covered about a mile, that I trekked. Nature / exercise was the escape. Occasionally when I had a buck or two I veered out of the woods to a tiny family restaurant {seated like 8 people} for a burger & fries, walking past their huge German Shepherd posted by the woods – scared as he barked furiously, on a metal runner about 25’ long – I knew if he broke off that runner he’d attack me. {Today I would have saved part of my burger for him each trip so he’d know I was his friend, but then I didn’t think of that. How pitiful that that dog was all alone, 200’ from the house, by the woods, no other dog to keep it company.}


          The thing is, my Mom was working, & I could have disobeyed. But honor was a big thing with me, as I explained before. I felt that if a parent made a rule {within reason} I was obligated, under God, to obey. But I begged for one exception – the school choir. Our music director said we HAD to be there & I begged release, & she consented. And as usual, I was the only female who did not have the UNIFORM black skirt, I conjured up a brown one & stood in the back row {I explained in Part 3 how I was the only Girl Scout who didn’t have a uniform.}


          Another escape was my neighbor Helen, lived a couple minutes away. I went there often to chat. She was single, with her old mom who never felt well. The only notable thing I recall her telling me, that I didn’t understand at the time, was that men have ‘Roman hands & Russian fingers.’ Years later I got it:   ‘Roaming hands, rush in fingers.’


          Of course, dancing with the Puerto Rican boy was not sex – but to Mom, who was HYSTERICALLY PREJUDICED it was close. She hated, despised the woman who had sex with Puerto Ricans, & I shall channel. Mom, why did you hate that woman so much that you imposed that punishment on me?


MOM:   Because I was jealous.I wanted to do as she did, but I couldn’t or didn’t get the chance, so I hated her & acted outraged.


ME:   Why did you not, then, become good friends, & ask her to introduce you to some of those guys?


MOM: That would have been unthinkable. I carried the pose of an aristocrat {in my own mind} who would not lower myself to that level. If I had done that, also, she & other people would have known, & that would hurt my reputation, my front, as a respectable woman. I did my deeds in the dark.


ME:   But why then, punish me so harshly just for dancing with a boy & being friends with the girl? Isn’t that extreme?


MOM:   As extreme as was my hate. People on crime shows you’ve watched kill others for the kind of hate I had.


ME:   Explain your hate of minority people, you & Ara being against any kind of people not exactly like us. What is the origin of such great prejudice? And consider, when we first got here, you were a maid for a Jewish family. You worked every day for two weeks before getting one day off. Ara was also a servant to Mrs. Grant in Waccabuc. So where is your high horse? Minority people you hated were in the same boat, sometimes suffering poverty – you might have had compassion.


MOM:   In our minds, we were ladies from an elite family, the inteligensia – which was true – we were in an upper class in Lithuania. This made us superior, in our minds, to others who were lower down the social ladder.


When we arrived as refugees, of course, we lost our status, our place in society, & our wealth. But we were still great ladies, better than our neighbors & minority folks. This way of looking at ourselves made us feel important, superior; it was a feeling of comfort, reassured our egos.

When you hobnobbed with the kids I felt inferior, you were lowering our status & insulting our position.


          ME:   Eventually you gained some kind of prominence with the Reader’s Digest plant in Pleasantville, NY. You wre in charge of the guest house & all the cafeteria / restaurant of the facility which fed all the employees. Did you feel you had a reached a high status there in Pleasantville & it justified your self image? Did you maintain your prejudices then, until death, or did you straighten out?


          MOM:   I maintained my hate of minorities. Remember when you brought that Puerto Rican girl to my apt in Pleasantville? She was only 7 years old, but I told you, don’t bring any of those type people here again. And as far as my status, yes, I had risen above all the humble conditions of the past & thought myself a great success.

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 From top to bottom:  Parents get married, they dancing first year in America, Dad as a young professor, Mom age 26


ME:   Did you ever regret abusing me? And 

did you realize that you had left your spirit behind in family members? I would be afflicted by that spirit in these people long after your death, even at the age of 75 when you have been dead 42 years – these people do the amazing trick of justifying the abuse while pretending it never happened.


          MOM:   Hahaha. I was an effective abuser. Did I ever regret it? On my deathbed I made repentance, due to your prayers, & I was saved. Somehow I knew this abuse was the ‘chiseling down’ of you which would turn you into a saint, so it was God’s will. Don’t blame me, I did as God wanted.

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          ME:   Very funny. There’s an argument to be made for the torturers & traitors of Jesus, that it was God’s will, but they still had to pay the price for their sins. You were in Purgatory a long time – 24 years – & your place in Heaven is not high. Do you wish you had been a better person?


          MOM:   In Heaven we are not capable of feeling regret, we’re perfectly happy no matter where we are, & of course, saints enjoy more bliss than I do, but what I have is the justice of God. I deserve no more, so I don’t wish for any more.   {End chapter 7}


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Psychological Murder

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Rasa passport photo, age 4 1/2  -  Could not speak English in kindergarten, but when they saw her do a drawing, they put her into a higher grade.  She was thrilled.  By 6 years old her English was so good the teacher, Mrs. Baker, had her read to the class from a book until the kids exclaimed ‘Her lip is bleeding!’.  She was a prodigy at art {with Dad’s encouragement} & was featured in a museum exhibit for kids – but suffering trauma when she lost her Dad’s company – she vowed never to draw again.  But her last painting gasp – age 16 – a wonderful black lady teacher asks her to submit a painting for a contest for 5 NYC schools.  Rasa buckles down because of this teacher’s love, & creates a watercolor called ‘Water Tower,’ seen from the view of her 6th floor B’klyn apt she shares with her Dad.  She wins SECOND PLACE!   The painting is exhibited in the school.  Her artistic talents veer into other arenas – modeling, dancing, & in middle age, photography & movie production.



 Rasa leaves home age 16 to become a model, dancer & actress in Hollywood, CA.  She works for the top photographers there & later, in Vegas {Helmut Newton} for Playboy Magazine & in NYC, Irving Penn for Vogue, doing body building…

Below Rasa pictured with Aunt Dagmar & Mom, just arrived to the states, Rasa doing some kind of ‘high 5.’  Later the aunt she adores will say, ‘How dare you pray for your mom {Mom was dying} – God will not hear you because YOU SELL YOUR BODY!} Mom was in the hospital dying of cancer, the docs gave her months, Rasa asked ‘Can I pray for you’ at her bed, & did so.  Mom then COMPLAINED to her sis, Aunt Ara, steaming up Ara’s wrath…  These are the repercussions for being in the ‘adult trade,’ – a Patriarchal society will not let a woman live in peace, she is condemned forever.

Rasa becomes a star, featured all over newspapers & television world wide.  She’s visiting Aunt & exclaims proudly, ‘They just did a  story on me in the Daily News!’  Dagmar answers, ‘We use the Daily News to line the dog kennels.’


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Rasa’s Grandma Luba, {Russian Cossack} Aunt Dagmar age 15, Dad Stasys, Mom

Regina Elizabeth, age 17 & Grandpa Vincas–Lithuania


Chapter 6    I Strip for God Part 4



5-28-21 Principles of Psychological Murder


What my Mom / Family Did to Me

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 Aunt Dagmar, Grandma Luba & Uncle Henry arrived on this boat.  Henry’s in the middle in a checked shirt.

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We  {parents & kids} arrive as refugees on this boat, the  Gen. S.S. Heintzelman, a Navy ship,  June 1949 – First thing I see is Statue of Liberty, & in a song I wrote for my Broadway show I go,  ‘I see an angel, I see an angel calling me – No more Stalin, no more Hitler, Hello God’!



Had this dream years ago which explains psychological murder: There was a girl age 16 who was active downtown in NYC, going out a lot. Her Mom took a knife & stabbed her so many times; she was lying in a pool of her blood on the sidewalk, dead.


          I go to the Mom, who lives in a trailer, knock on her door. She opens it & I say to her,


          “You killed my daughter, but I forgive you.” {End of dream}


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        Mom, passport photo, age 26


 This is my Mom, & the daughter is my human self or flesh, & this describes what Mom did to me & how I, the God Self, reacted. Forgiveness is one of the earmarks of being a Christian, of any good religion. Revenge is one of the most heinous but sadly, common sins. I learned from saints to take the example of Jesus Christ & his Holy Mother, how they forgave those who persecuted & crucified him.


          We have gone over the abuse issue in Parts 2 & 3 at length, but it bears repeating as some of the big factors of my life are restated with new perspectives. My life cannot be fully fathomed unless the abuse is explained – it’s been an integral part of my life experience. And it is not moaning & groaning or complaining, it’s explaining. I need to remember this:

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         Dad as a young professor in Lithuania – He was more of a caregiver for me than Mom, he was kind & sensitive, Mom was hard & mean & became cruel when I turned 10.


Jesus Christ {& all his saints, past present & future} was permitted by God Almighty to suffer tortures for the sake of others. So consider – it was God’s will that Jesus be unjustly arrested; God’s will that he be scourged with whips that contained bits of jagged metal; that He be crowned with 3” thorns on his Sacred Head; that He be humiliated, slapped in the face, mocked, & then, that He carry a Cross where the weight of it bore through the bleeding flesh of his right shoulder; that He be placed on the Cross, his Sacred Feet penetrated with huge nails; that his Sacred Arms be dislocated when the soldiers had not put the marks for the nails in the right place, they pulled his arms out to fit the marks, & nailed his Sacred Wrists there; God’s will that He be abandoned by all but one of his disciples, laughed & jeered at by crowds, etc. {Esoteric visions gotten from Anne Catherine Emmerich, who wrote the ‘Passion of Jesus Christ’.}


          All these things of God’s will were anticipated by Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He surmised, maybe this cup should pass him by, but then He said,


          “Thy Will, not mine, be done,”

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         How I looked from top to bottom, age 13 in 8th grade graduation dress, age 16 ready to graduate HS, & age 7, Delancy St Newark, NJ, the year my bro tried to impale me on a spear – The wound went into my thigh & halfway through the leg – Mom did not take me to the Doc for fear my bro would get into trouble – it therefore was not stitched up & took months to heal, the biggest scab imaginable


To me that wound had a connection with the wound thrust into Jesus’ side, called the Divine Stigmata – it is a symbol of martyrdom – Years later, 1982 – I received the Interior Divine Stigmata, which took 18 years of ‘dark night of the soul’ to get over.  Yes, I am One with God, whatever some people may think.


Which is proof that it was the will of God that Jesus should experience these atrocities. Had Jesus not, the Holy Gospel would not be what it is – but these items were an integral part of the Gospel or Good News of Jesus Christ – that God & He so loved the world, that God gave his own Son, an innocent, most loving person, to go through this. The Passion was a NECESSARY EVIL for the salvation of billions of people – & this passion was also lived by every Saint of God, of all religions, & what they suffered for the love of God is transmitted to the human race for their benefit.


          Now I join my account of abuse, for my good & that of the human race, for it brought me to where I had to be with God – by mortification, killing of the flesh & then, in that state, I was ONE with God – I could hear her voice, & I consented to her will in doing the projects spoken about. All the things I endured – even the adult trade – even being a cougar after 30 years of celibacy – were all planned to those who believed to go higher in spirituality & understanding.


          Did Jesus then say, ‘OK God, I have preached the truth, now I don’t want to suffer all this that flies to me in the Passion – let’s skip that by, I gave the message, I did miracles, healings & exorcism, enough is enough, let me live my life in peace.’

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         Some of my formative years were spent in a ‘Displaced Persons’ Camp’ in Germany.  Before going there my family ran a hotel for a nice German lady. 


 But He did NOT say that, & taking his example, shall I also say, in his footsteps, ‘Take away my abusive Mother, let her love me, take away the hate of my relatives, brainwashed, against me. Take away the unfairness, my being punished for all things I did not do, take away the prejudice, the judgment & condemnation of society toward me, for being in the adult trade; take away all the narrow minded gossip & defamation put on me.’


          Then there were spiritual sacrifices, such as the Divine Stigmata, which I paid for with 18 years in the Dark Night of the Soul – shall that be taken away?


          Indeed not. The pains of my life were necessary, the sacrifices, the persecution, unfairness, were all part & parcel of what had to be. And they are seen, in the eyes of God, the way that Jesus’ tortures were, as Jewels, Crowns, Diamonds, Rubies & Emeralds shining in all colors in the metaphysical world. Shall these Jewels for God be taken away? No, they are Precious &I shall keep them forever.

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          My Aunt Dagmar, Uncle Henry & Grandma lived in this mansion in Waccabuc, NY, on the third floor, in the employ of Mrs Grant, who owned Otis Elevators.  I would spend some time here during summers, an unforgettable experience.  My families lives were greatly enhanced by Mrs. Grant.  And by an interesting karma, I found out during the writing of this book, that I own a large chunk of Otis Elevators, received from my late husband, Richard Von Werder.

  One of the sons of Mrs. Grant, Danny, & I were romantic when I was 14 & he 19 – but two people in my family thwarted it.  Perhaps God paid me back for this loss with the Otis stock – compensation for losing his love & wealth.  {God has taken all I have lost & repaid me many times over, it’s the way She works when you ‘Put first the Kingdom of God, & all shall be added unto you.”}


I have tried to explain the BENEFIT of my trials & tribulations, & I will eventually explain how the ECONOMY of God had arranged, with all the bad stuff, the Grace coming out of it. For instance, I was deprived of money, resources, support, that was needed to sustain me & my child – it was brutal. But eventually, money, support came to me in God’s way that made up for all stolen, & more money &support was given me than I had lost.


          Say, in body building, for example: I made no money & recognition as I broke down the iron door for other women. They paid me back with ridicule & contempt – ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’ Hadn’t they done the same to Jesus? For all his miracles, Healings & deliverance, what rewards did he get? Only a tiny minority loved him, believed in him & comforted him.


          Eventually, a man paid me 10K to do the first book on female body building – this began my road to solvency as it was the most money I’d ever had – it was 1981 – I was 33.

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          Me in Waccabuc NY for the good times, age 6.  Mrs. Grant owned horses, gave riding lessons, Uncle Henry took care of the grounds, horses, {even shoed them}.  He was a great carpenter &  in emergencies, a plumber.  All the men in our family & acquaintance were skilled, everyone worked hard but knew how to have a good time & share holidays. My aunt took care of the house & two sons.  Their living quarters were exquisite.


And then, in spite of giant obstacles, big men who worked against me, I was finally recognized as the beginning of female body building & gained proper recognition.


          By the same token, every penny that had been denied me – the life insurance my first husband cancelled, my Mom depriving me as a child of even the permission to sustain myself – other people using me to make money but not giving me my fair share, when I danced or modeled – all this was overturned by one man, Richard Von Werder, my saint of a husband who helped & supported me while we were together, & on his death set me up for life. I would never be broke or desperate again. This was all planned by God. My celibacy is what brought Mr Von Werder to me. When I could marry no man because I was abstinent – Richard approved my vow & loved me – he said all he wanted was companionship & respected me for being a good woman–that was GOD working through him. I even saw it in a dream, he in the audience watching me dance, an angel tapping him on the shoulder & saying ‘there is your wife.’ Remember, God chose celibate Holy St. Joseph to be the husband of Mary & the foster father of Our Lord; in the same way God discovered the perfect man for me, a celibate woman, to love, honor & protect me – & he did.



          At age 16 I left my Mom’s abuse & went to live with Dad in Brooklyn.  Within a year I got an opportunity to be driven to California by a famous Playboy photographer, – I took the chance.  Things went sour with him & he threw me out on the street.  But within 4 years he saw me in Playboy, asked them for my address, went to see me in my charming house in Beverly Hills.  I had become a model & dancer & supported myself. {No help from family or any man.}  A hard life, sometimes not knowing where my next meal would come from, but I succeeded again & again & again, through my faith in God.


Again I say, the abuse of my family was MEANT TO BE, much of which I explained, but here again I must emphasize this point. Yes, it hurt. Yes, as a child I felt like killing myself. Yes, it destroyed my self esteem as a woman. I had no ‘self esteem’ nor any delusions of grandeur harbored by one who believes in their flesh. Lack of faith in the physical sent all of it to God, my One & Only, the trust, hope, faith & confidence was on God & God alone – for the flesh is weak, & the Spirit that quickens.



I am now 75 years old & at the end of my life, writing memoirs.  Right now on Part 4 of my life story, ‘I Strip for God, Parts 1 & 2 are out, Part 3 will be out in a week or two.  After Part 4 I will probably write two more books, right away, on my life, as it’s been full of adventure & experience & my memory is good.  At age 63  I became a cougar, quit the celibacy of 30 years at the behest of God – God said stop suffering, go out & have fun.  But it wasn’t all fun & games, I ended up having heart attacks -  by the time I got to the hospital I was almost dead.  They said they didn’t know how many attacks I had had, I thought they were anxiety attacks, all caused by this love affair with Bob, a troubled young man. God tells me he & I will eventually be together but I have put our relationship on hold.  These memoirs of mine will be put into a major movie, I’ve been talking about it with my agent for years.  The movie will be big, I am told, winning Academy Awards.


The family pic, third below, – back row is Dad holding me, a friend, my Mom.  The old people in front left sponsored us to America, we lived with them, it’s 1949-1950 – calling them Grandparents, but they were distant relatives.  They respected Dad a lot & were going to set us up with 5 grand {a huge amount then} but Mom foiled it.  We lived with them on Ivy St, Kearny, NJ.


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College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized


immaculateose x

Continue Chapter 5   Hell Hath no Fury Like Arnold Scorned -

What Women Endure in the Adult Trade   5-24-21


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Some revenge tactics & pranks of Arnold. There were a couple brothers in the body building world that were popular, Mike Mentzner was always featured in Joe Weider magazines, & his brother Ray was up & coming. Mike was winning contests, featured in the magazines as a star. But he tangled with Arnold in Australia – Mike told him off in front of everyone including Joe Weider. Arnold didn’t say a lot but I noticed Mike & his brother disappeared from the magazines.


If you’re no longer featured in the mags, your body building career is over & so, Arnold ended the careers of these two guys. As I said before, Joe Weider did whatever Arnold told him.


So what did these guys do when they no longer had a spotlight – a place in Joe Weider’s kingdom? – they went from ‘big shots’ to ‘nobodies.’ They couldn’t handle it. They began to drink heavily – I am told by Randy Roach, {the world’s top chronicler of body building, author of the Encyclopedic, ‘Muscle, Smoke & Mirrors’} – and they drank themselves to death.


Arnold told Tom Minichiello he did not want me at the premiere of his first big movie, ‘Pumping Iron,’ even though I was called then the ‘Queen of Body Building’ & Arnold ‘the King.’ He’d never share his spotlight with anyone unless they favored him.


Today I believe he’s pals with Sylvester Stallone, but in the beginning, there was a picture of him & Sylvester they were going to put into Joe’s magazine. Arnold called to say don’t put the image. He’d give no glory or honor to Sylvester.

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But similarly, he told Tom Minichiello {a big shot in body building those days, he had his gym right to the bottom of the Roxy Theater, 42nd St, where I danced, I saw his sign advertising the Ms Americana contest, I walked in & asked if I could compete – he said yes, & that was my beginning} about an image where all the winners of 1972 Brooklyn Academy of Music show were posing – he was there, I was off to the side with my two trophies, second place Ms Americana & Ms Americana BEST BODY, posing with Franco Columbo. He told Tom he wanted no pictures out with him & me, but since the image was already done, his head was close to the upper frame – cut off his head. To my amusement, Tom did it that way, & sold me the image. Of course there were other copies of that picture elsewhere, so I have the one of him with & without his head.


And again, Arnold & I were in another show together – The Mr Universe, Ms Americana contests at the Felt Forum. My picture was featured in the Daily News promoting the show – Arnold complained that the important men were not getting as much publicity as the females.


At the Forum Arnold won his battle against Lou Ferrigno, I won mine. Once again & was second place Ms Americana & Ms Americana BEST BODY. At the end of the show all the winners – usually only men – posed on a platform, a couple feet off the floor, for the press. I wanted equal time for women, after all, I had got two important trophies. I jumped up on that stage, standing next to Arnold, & posed like the men did. Arnold went crazy. He muscled me off the stage – the way guys keep walking closer & closer as they pose & push the other guy off the select position in front of the judges – he did that to me radically, I was at the edge of the stage & had to JUMP OFF. He de facto pushed me off the stage. He knew everyone would see him do this but he didn’t care, he was so desperate NOT to have any pics out there, him & me. I’m sure someone took some pics with him & I standing there. Randy Roach checked with other people about my claim – they told him they saw it.


Once a guy asked Arnold how could he get more success & popularity while doing his poses onstage? Arnold told him to SCREAM after every pose. They guy did it & two men hauled him off the stage, believing he’d gone nuts.

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Another victim asked Arnold how could he get better nutrition & more muscle? Arnold told him get walnuts, & eat not only the nut but the SHELL. The guy did it & it tore up his insides. {How could anyone be so dumb to do that? There’s a limit to genius but none for stupidity.}


I was in the first Ms Olympia contest where Mike Katz was a judge. I heard him say to Harold Poole {the first black Mr. America, also a judge} ‘Check out #1 – She’s good.’ {That was me}


But Arnold was there – so was Joe Weider. Suddenly I went from ‘She’s good’ – to last place. And I have noticed that there are no pictures of me in that contest wherever I looked – like I was photo shopped out. How fanatic can you get, was I that important to ‘get even’ with? Arnold also saw reporters approach me, he quickly ushered them away to other females. If I was so inadequate as a body builder, why did he have to go out of his way to deprive me of attention? Wouldn’t I just fail on my own? He saw me as some kind of a threat, a person who had hurt him & so had to be forever punished.


The Adult Trade – What a Female has to Endure



          It was my destiny or God’s will that I be in the adult trade. I shall go into why later – right now I’m explaining why I needed strength & I got that strength from God plus harsh treatment toughened me up.


          People who are not in it don’t know what a woman goes through in the adult trade. It’s hard enough being a woman where you’re deprived of human rights, paid less than men, looked down upon in many ways – but add to that the greatest taboo in our society being nudity & sex – & you hit the jackpot for abuse.


          Of course it’s changing – right now men are being exposed, vilified & punished for their sex activities & crimes – but when I was growing up, it wasn’t that way – this target on men for sex has only started recently – I was middle aged by then.


          Not saying we women are now off the hook – there still exists prejudice against us.

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          It’s the way we are treated, it goes across all borders, touches all horizons. I will ask Mother God for help as I find it difficult to express myself on this, it triggers pain. Mother God, what did I have to endure being in the adult trade, that required great strength?


          MOTHER GOD:   You are vilified for things you’re not guilty of, there are assumptions, fantasies, projections put on women in the adult trade. You are guilty in the eyes of people for making men lust, that makes you a sinner. You are guilty of sinning with men where you haven’t sinned – maybe you did nothing, maybe sex isn’t a sin.


          In other words, you are condemned without trial, without evidence of wrongdoing.


          The adult trade is just a job. You don’t have to be a bad person to be in it. But society in many cases labels you a bad person. That isn’t fun to bear – when you are seen as ‘bad’ bad things are done to you. You aren’t treated with respect, you aren’t given the same consideration or love as ‘nice’ people get. The same thing is done to you as your family did – you become an outcast of sorts, you aren’t invited to the best places, the places where ‘respectable’ people gather.


          ME:   Mother God, explain how being perceived a ‘sex object’ is a form of abuse. People have great misunderstanding here.


          MOTHER GOD:   When a person is seen as a ‘sex object’ all the time, say, the way Anna Nicole Smith was, it diminishes her. No human is ‘just sex.’ We are not the body, we are an eternal soul that inhabits a body. The body is an instrument, a vehicle & servant of the God within.


          For people to stress only our body, again & again, as if we are nothing but that, is demoralizing, it is abuse. It is your soul or God Self that must be recognized, honored & validated.


          With someone like Anna Nicole or yourself, or any glamour doll, or any woman in the adult trade, people tend to emphasize the physical so much that it hurts. Yes, those in this trade had to get into it for money, in some cases, to validate something, like you being told you were weird & ‘not a nice sight to see’ by your family – they made you feel ugly, they didn’t love you, & so, you wanted to prove you weren’t ugly & validate you’re worthy of love.


          Being nude, dancing, posing nude, being Ms Nude Universe & all that did not mean you were a bad person.

Women in the adult trade are targeted with a lot of bad thoughts, feelings & actions by others. Much of it projection.

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When folks are brainwashed that sex is dirty, unclean, thoughts of sex are dirty, it’s all sin, sin, sin, & you have to be in a profession which magnifies nudity & sex, they project their own fears, frustrations, fantasies & sins onto you. They judge, condemn you as they have already judged & condemned themselves, deep inside the unconscious. Society told them these things are bad, so they feel bad about themselves but somehow they excuse themselves or hide their behaviors, but since you are on stage, you get the blame. It’s like guerilla warfare. They’re behind the bush shooting at you, you in the middle of the field get hit.


ME: Just to cap this convo for now, Mother God, what is the greatest sin of mankind?


MOTHER GOD:   The greatest sin is not caring about others, not loving others. We must love others as we do ourselves, they are just as important. We must have compassion & empathy for all, including animals, including all of God’s creation.


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College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized


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I Strip for God  Part 4


Chapter 5    Triumph over Adversity    5-22-21


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          What I will attempt in this book is to portray how I overcame challenges & adversities by my Faith in God, & strangely enough, how the abuse which my family proffered, trained & prepared me for the future.


          The first challenge was to get over the abuse;byfighting the negatives within it, resisting the urge to internalize their hate.  To do that I had to practice the virtues of Jesus Christ – love thy enemies, do not hate or take revenge on them – forgive them – get over it. 


          But I must say this.  It was all planned, it was for my good, & the abuse started at age ten, not before that.  This is important.  Being severely neglected or abused in infancy causes brain damage. {I’m not sure what is the cutoff point for infancy?  Could it be Freud’s 5 years?  As he said what happens the first 5 years determines the future.} This destiny God protected me from.


 Children who are abused or neglected in infancy, & prior to ‘the age of reason,’ {considered by some to be 8} will probably suffer irreparable harm – their lives will be problematic.   {This is not to say that all failures & losers were abused.  My brother Jim was never abused but pampered, yet he was not a good fellow.  Others I watched suffered not one iota of abuse, but were held up & supported by family but were not angels.  Lack of abuse doesn’t guarantee sainthood.}

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          A man named ‘Harlow’ did extensive & cruel experiments on infant monkeys.  Those who were totally neglected developed lesions on the brain – this cannot be corrected.  In humans we call various forms of this Attachment Disorder {only the most extreme cases have the brain lesions}; it’s pandemic in a Patriarchal society where Mother authority / nurturing is compromised; the worst cases are called Radical Attachment Disorder.  This was only ‘discovered’ or identified recently, the 70’s, after Americans began adopting children from war torn Ukraine, they had developed this malady in orphanages. 


{But I have seen documentaries that evidence this from the 50’s & 60’s on Youtube – what they did to children in experiments is pitiful.  Instead of giving them the love they need, they studied them, which reminds me of the men at the Tuskegee University syphilis experiments – none of them were given remedies but the progress of their illness was studied.}


          I published a book called ‘Breastfeeding is Lovemaking Between Mother & Child’ – which has this article in it, {condensed by me} from Dr. James W. Prescott, PhD:


Alienation of Affection



          Deprived of their mothers, Harry Harlow’s monkeys were at times apathetic, at times hyperactive & given to outbursts of violence.  Raised in isolation, they were socially inept:  they often held themselves & rocked like autistic children.


          What Harlow could not know in the 50’s & 60’s was that these behavioral disturbances were accompanied by brain damage.


          During formative periods of brain growth certain types of sensory deprivation, such as lack of touching & rocking by mother – result in incomplete or damaged neuronal systems that control affection {for instance, the loss of nerve-cell branches called dendrites}.  Since the same systems influence brain centers associated with violence, in a mutually inhibiting mechanism, the deprived infant may have difficulty controlling violent impulses as an adult.


          James W. Prescott has an incredible website called Origins of Peace & Violence:

He is formerly the Health Scientist Administrator, Developmental Behavioral Biology Program, National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, National Institutes of Health.


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          I wanted to make a strong point about abuse – how in infancy, early years it is MOST SERIOUS & has dire consequences, & I was SPARED from this.  My abuse started in a concerted, conscious way by Mom & those she brainwashed at age 10 – by then my brain was developed & so there was no incidence of brain lesions or damage.


          My first ten years went like this:  I was given love & affection by both parents to different degrees.  Mom breastfed all of us – that is important for affection as well as Immune System Development.  She did not single me out for ten years, it started when she & Dad split & not right away – they separated when I was 9 – & the abuse started after the separation.


          My Father was affectionate to me like a Mother.  He was tender, kind & sensitive.  He’d hold me in his lap, take me on walks hand in hand, he paid attention to all my activities & encouraged me – he took the place of the soft, sensitive Mom.  He was the whole world to me.


          Mom was ‘hard.’  In the last book she identified herself, in the way she was to me, as a ‘Monster.’  I can’t argue with her.  I recall her & Dad, him on his hands & knees on the floor, she sitting on his back beating him with her fists.  She was a psychopath – not all bad but to me, after age 10, monstrous.


          However, they gave me a good education & exposure to the Church; the Church gave me meaning to life & the answers.  As Jesus said, ‘I am the Way, the Truth, & the Life.’  This is God speaking through him.  I don’t believe He meant his historical flesh was the only way, truth & life, his example was.  What He taught & lived was.  And He is not the only one who gives us this Spirit, all those who are One with God are of this Spirit, & they also are ‘Living Gods.’


          But I didn’t know all that when I went to Catechism.  I had Catechism in a Gothic Church, taught by contemplative nuns in black robes {who I adored & obeyed.}  They told me to sacrifice candy, I did.  They told me to take the blame for someone else’s wrong doing – I did.  One told me she was married to Jesus Christ – that was one of the knots on the belt of her robe; I from then on aspired to that & it would happen.


          Our week was filled with education:  Regular school, Catechism, Saturday Lithuanian School & Church on Sunday.  I took it all seriously.  My first Holy Confession & Holy Communion were great milestones for me.


          There were also healthy & happy community events, recitals, shows where we kids performed {I recited poetry} & Dad gave speeches {never failed to say we had to release our country from Communism.}

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 We were members of a creative community, all our holidays were feasts shared by a dozen friends.  The singles were invited, some couples.  I recall our gay female photographer, Panele {Miss} Narkailunaite always present; she fat & jolly, smiling, laughing, loveable.


          Never in my life did I neglect prayer, meditation or supplication to God & not only for me, but the whole world.  I recall my child’s prayer constantly was, ‘Dear God, please help everyone.’


          In my grammar school in the country, age 9, there was a field adjacent to our school yard.  I’d write my petitions to the Almighty on slips of paper, release them into the field on the wind, & all my requests were answered.

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          Now to continue my point, that I was not damaged but empowered  by my sufferings.  Yes, it hurt, & it hurt a long time, years & years, like most people do, I kept asking WHY?  And God kept saying, ‘To make you strong.’  But I didn’t get it until recentlyI couldn’t picture what they did to me making me strong, I only felt the pain.


          But the fact is I faced a whole number of abuses & obstacles in my life, & if I had been WEAK I could not have succeeded.  Here’s a list:


                               Being a Woman


          John Lennon said, ‘Women are the niggers of this world.’

          As a woman I had many obstacles men don’t have.  A friend of mine who changed his sex from female to male said that everywhere he went he was treated like a God once he changed genders. {His name is Les Nichols, I made a movie of him when I was producing called ‘Who is Inside Les Nichols?}


          I don’t think I have to explain this deeply – we all know that the 50’s & early 60’s when I began my move to adulthood were frightening times for women.  Everywhere you turned, a man was in control, I mean everywhere.  With the feminist movement things improved & now we’re moving into Matriarchy in leaps & bounds.  My first revelation from God was 1971,


          “Satan rules the world, & he works through men.”


          This disclosure from the Divine predicted my life’s work – Resisting the devil & all his tenets & temptations, his put downs & hatreds – & empowering women.  You can see how God had to arm me for battle with this foe.  The armaments were those described by Paul – the Shield of Faith, the Sword of the Spirit, the Helmet of Salvation, the Breastplate of Righteousness, Girdle of Truth, Sandals of Peace.  More on that:


 Ephesians 6:10–18


For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.


Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

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          And so I demonstrate in this book that I was armored for battle, Our Lord’s battle, Holy Mother’s battle, against the forces of evil, most of which are enmeshed in Patriarchy, & I was given the education, then the suffering to toughen me up.  I could not be a tenderfoot or a wilting flower, I had to have this armor spoken of, & when I entered the adult trade, I needed it.  When I became the Progenitor of Female Body Building I needed it.  When I was the Stripper for God I needed it.  All these projects required faith & what kind of faith?  Not in myself, for the flesh is weak, had I relied in personal self I would have cracked.  No, I had little self esteem as a person or woman, no delusions of grandeur.  But I had total & complete faith, hope; trust & confidence in God, always had & always will have.


Battles I WonFemale BodyBuilding


          Is life a battle?  It certainly is, from time to time.  Just surviving can be a battle; then again, presenting new ideas to the world, representing them so the world improves can be daunting.


          Here is one thing my tough training prepared me to do:  Female bodybuilding.  I was finally given the award, ‘Progenitor of Modern Competitive Female Body Building’ by the World Body Building Guild in Feb, 2007.


          I explained in my book ‘The Origin & Decline of Female BodyBuilding’ is that it wasn’t about bench presses; it was about women’s rights.  On stage men were honored & paid, women were degraded as a ‘side show’, no money, no honor – same ole’ sex symbol stuff.


          My job was to bring forth the idea that women could be serious weight lifters, & they had a right to get muscular & still be respected, not laughed at.  They were not dykes or weirdos if they got muscular; they had muscles just as men did, why not develop them?  It was a taboo to develop our muscles; we were forced to be ‘feminine.’


          I will channel Mother God.  Mother, explain the challenge I was facing – in the beginning I was all alone, it was before Lisa Lyon, who was second {will explain some important dynamics here later}.  Explain in your words what the hardship was to present this idea of women lifting weights.


          MOTHER GOD:   You were storming a bastion of male supremacy; it was one of the enclaves where they reigned supreme.  Yes, men are bigger & have more testosterone by nature, they used this as part of their proof that men should dominate, as if physical strength determines who should lead, because might makes right.

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          It was a dangerous thing to challenge this assumption.  Men were scared, threatened, by the thought of women getting physically POWERFUL.  Everyone respects power – If they were bigger, stronger, had permission to work on this & increase it by any means, such as steroids, well & good.  They were in command.


          You were saying ‘society should permit women a level playing field.  They have muscles as do men, why can’t they develop them to the max?’  So you were frightening men, & they fought back with ridicule, laughter & lies.  At times it was uncomfortable; to break down any taboo or stereotype is a hard job – but you did it.


          ME:   And so, by doing this, presenting the idea to the national media, what exactly was accomplished?


          MOTHER GOD:   You empowered women & disempowered men.  Once they leveled the playing field & at least to some degree gave women as much leverage as men {not completely, several times they tested women for steroids but not men} women body builders shocked the world.  With enough steroids, they could be as muscular as the guys!  No one anticipated this, but we saw it with our own eyes.


          There were repercussions globally – it began a trend for women to become ‘macha’ or play the role of a tough cookie, not all became aggressive like pit bulls, some moved toward assertiveness, but being ‘feminine’ was no longer MANDATORY.  It opened the door for women NOT to be dominated by men. 


          You were accused of various things, such as wanting women to be lesbians & hating men.


 One of their arguments:  The males attacked you on the steroid issue.  They said ‘Hey, testosterone is a male hormone.  Why should women take it?’  You answered that if men had so much testosterone, why were they taking more?  And you pointed out that women also have testosterone, just not as much.  And so, if it’s OK for men to take steroids, it’s ok for the women.


Basically you invaded a male stronghold & broke down the door.  After this opened up, you weren’t needed.  It only takes ONE leader for the rest to follow, they imitate, the movement starts, it changes the entire world.


          When you did the Tom Snyder Show with Lisa Lyon in 1980, you told her about your 1975 Esquire article – the first article on female body building in a national publication.  She was startled & said, ‘That was you?’  This was proof she got the idea from you, the first.  And yes, she did a lot of promotion backed up by Arnold Schwarzenegger & Joe Weider.


  The Book: The Origin and Decline of Female BodyBuilding 

Kellie Everts brought forth Female Bodybuilding by taking the idea to the mainstream media, where it entered into our culture permanently; women will never be the same. Kellie Everts was honored in 2007 as The Progenitor of Female Body Building, the one who got Modern Competitive Female BodyBuilding started, by the World Body Building Guild.


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          ME:   Mother God, shall we mention my ‘battle’ with Arnold, how he tried to steal my thunder by promoting Lisa Lyon as he had a grudge against me?  And do you agree that his treatment of her was at least in part revenge against me, or am I being paranoid?


          MOTHER GOD:   Indeed, he was your adversary.  You were attracted to his best friend, Franco Columbo & were flirting with him.  Arnold came up to you demanding attention & lured you backstage where some hanky panky occurred.  But you weren’t infatuated with Arnold, you liked Franco, so you cuckolded Arnold with Franco.


          This got under his craw, & other things happened where you were lifted up or praised in the media, while he was being put down or ridiculed, & instead of hating them who did it, he, already hostile toward you, took it out on you.


          He did many things later on that were really big for Lisa – he got her a book by a famous author, he took amazing images of him & Lisa cavorting, with the help of Joe Weider, the notable image on Lisa’s back appeared in her book, ‘Body Magic.’


          He didn’t do it just for love, yes, they had an affair he said, but part of it was revenge.  At this point it was time for support & recognition, he used all his power, together with Joe Weider, to award her & deprive you.  At the time it was hurtful – you were swept under the rug by these powerful men, she was held up on a pedestal, it wasn’t about truth or fairness, it was politics.


          We aren’t going to belabor all the details now as you aren’t in the mood.  Suffice to say, in the end, you prospered & prevailed.  All the forces these big men put out for her, while ignoring you, were meant to make you diminish in the eyes of the world & her to be recognized as the number one – except it didn’t work.


          Over the years you did leave body building because you had done your work, what had to be done, it had changed the world.  But one day in 2006 you began to write accounts of your claims to body building recognition.  You gave proof of what you did, all the dates & times, on your ‘Kellie Everts’ website.  No one could refute, after reading that, that you were the first – the facts were there.


          Because of your accounts, the WBBG gave you the award & recognition for getting modern competitive female body building started – they did not give the award to Lisa.  Joe Weider & his International Federation of Body Building awarded her for doing great publicity, but that was not the same – only one woman was recognized as Progenitor – & that was you.

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          It took a lot of perseverance for you to stand up to the likes of Arnold & Joe.  You suspect that someone from their camp kept taking off information from your Wikipedia page, where credit was being given you as the first – but after you got the award – they could not deny the award & there it stayed.  So you stopped Arnold & his friend Joe from DEPRIVING YOU OF THE CREDIT DUE YOU.  That was another project requiring strength.


          ME:   OK, Mother God.  I’m beginning to see where hard training at home, deprivation, being ignored, being despised, made me not only stronger but also more ambitious, so being abused made me able to take more abuse – the world sure does meet it out – & I had ambition to prove myself.  We might talk on this more in the future, right now, I’m OD’d on it.  Thanks.


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized


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Management of Entertainers & Success Principles


        I might add here an important principle I learned. In show business or any endeavor as a matter of fact, publicity / advertising / promotion, does NOT come to you, you have to go to it. Unless you’re willing to make calls to the media, write letters, go on interviews, not much if anything will happen to promote your product / project or person – nothing.


        I’ve been involved recently with photography, hiring male models – also friends with ‘rappers.’ What dunderheads they are. They think because they’re handsome or put out good songs the world will be at their feet, but no one will not notice them unless they go out with gimmicks, promotion, & publicity stunts.

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        The local rappers I know think because they put their music on ‘Sound cloud’ or the like they will get big outfits like Sony to discover them & give them contracts – nothing of the sort. NOBODY will notice your music on Sound cloud or any other venue, unless you GO TO THEM, demonstrate your worth, prove your value. You have to be pro active, do things, to get the big shots interested in you, you have to work at it, if not every day, a few days a week, week in, week out, month in, month out, for YEARS. Even then there’s no guarantee, but it’s a possibility you might get somewhere if you have what it takes.

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        I have tried to explain these principles to the male models & rappers but they don’t listen. They assume that what I know applies to ‘back in the day,’ but today is DIFFERENT in their field of music or modeling. It’s the same world of promotion today as it was a hundred years ago; nothing has changed but the technology. Barnum & Bailey was no different, Sol Hurok Presents was no different, the Great Caruso did the same thing a rapper or model has to do today – if you don’t talk to the media, no one knows who you are, no audience, no promotion, no star.


        And now hear this – you need a manager. If you don’t have a manager who knows what to do or how to do it, you must do it yourself – like I did – & it takes work, guts, dedication, you put your nose to the grindstone, & it never ends, if you stop, it stops – no more publicity.


        And as far as manager – why would someone take you on when you’re a nobody, who isn’t making any money, & you can’t pay them? Patrick Curtis took on two different women. The first was Raquel Welch. She was a beautiful nobody, but what she gave him was herself – they got married & worked as a team full time, with a plan. They got her on magazine covers in Europe, which was a start; her foot was in the Hollywood door.


        After Raquel was launched he got with Linda Evans, moved her career upwards in ‘middle age’ {star of Dynasty}. They got married, so that was the deal.

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{Patrick Curtis saw me in a beauty contest in Hollywood where I won ‘Most Voluptuous, wanted to get involved, but at that time I was on another project.}


My point here is what would you give a manager? Why would a manager want to manage you, to get what? Unless you are sexually involved, romantic or very friendly, they look only to earning potential. You have to be earning bread & they get some, so if you don’t have anything SELL-ABLE, why would someone spend FULL TIME WORK ‘managing’ you?


One of my webmen earlier had managed a band. He knocked himself out getting them gigs. The lead was his friend & was grateful, but the other guys said, why should we pay him, when we do the work? My webby quit, & when he did, no more jobs, the band evaporated.


                It’s Not Who You Know, it’s Who You Blow


Another factor is COOPERATION. If the client doesn’t LISTEN to the manager, they can’t be managed – they won’t succeed. I tried to manage my beloved friend, Yolanda. I got her a photographer – he cajoled her number out of her & took images – all were too dark. {Don’t deal with the men you meet directly, your manager has to do all the contacts. Every man you meet alone will want monkey business, not only for females but males as well.} I got her into a BEAUTY CONTEST where I made sure she got an EXCLUSIVE AWARD – called ‘Most Radiant Health’ given by Yours Truly. Then the big break was I got her a part in a RUSS MEYER MOVIE. She screwed that up by letting him come to her apartment! After entertaining Mr. Meyer home alone, the deal fell apart – not sure why – & I gave up trying to manage Yolanda FOR FREE.


Like I said, the BIGGEST NO NO is personal contact with the employer – they will jump on your belly & fill you with jelly – they come & they go. It will be a BUST – most appointments I went on without the management were wrestling matches, after which the guys would admit there was no part anyway, or they gave it to someone else already, or after you win the fight they tell you you aren’t right for the part after all{the usual bullcrap.}

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That being said, sometimes YOU HAVE TO GET LAID to get to the top – sorry to have to admit that – as they say, ‘It’s not who you know, it’s who you blow.’ Many of the greatest stars, like ‘the King’ – Clark Gable – had to have PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS with their coaches / managers. Mr. Gable had an older female who taught him everything he knew, including speaking in a lower register. {I saw one of his early pics where his voice was too high.} Sadly, Carole Lombard cut into a dance of him & his dowdy wife & stole him away. But the Universe paid her back, her life was stolen in an airplane accident.}


It’s well known that Marilyn Monroe slept with some men to further her career. That would definitely be in the beginning – once you become a star you call the shots, they need you, they can’t mess with you. It’s a Universal truth – people who are on your ladder to succeed will DEMAND SEX. It’s a grueling fact, Raquel Welch said every appt she went on was the same. I would say 99%, there were 1 out of 100 there was no harassment.


Understand this – It’s only the SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS with that person/s who actually guarantees you help that you put out to. If you gave it to every Tom, Dick & Harry – most of which ‘jobs’ don’t pan out, you’ll feel used up & washed out, it’ll be degradation for nothing, it will hurt your self esteem / morale. This applies to men as well as women; I’ve spoken to about 100 male models for hours with all the scams they got put through & the sex demands.

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Btw every photographer of males is GAY – or at least bisexual – it’s all about sex, there’s scarcely any commercial work being done, a straight male would find it REPULSIVE to shoot sexy pictures of men. Most of the male photographers offer male models ‘trade’ but when they work, they GET MONEY FOR THE SEX. That was a secret it took me YEARS to discover when I was on ‘Model May Stay.’


When Elvis Presley met Col. Tom Parker, one of the greatest managers of all time, he was already a rock n’ roll star, he had hits – ‘That’s Alright Mama,’ ‘Hound Dog’, ‘Don’t be Cruel’ & ‘Blue Suede Shoes.’ He was a SMASH wherever he went. Col. Parker could see he had what it takes, & he, with Sen Hubert Humphrey, called himself one of the ‘snowmen’ – which meant he could con, persuade, manage anyone into anything. He took him on for money; he led him to the top, for 50%. And so, to get a manager you either have to give yourself to them or lots of money or BOTH, but if you don’t have what it takes – even with a good manager, how do you become a star?


Only one model listened to me, back in the time of 2012 to 2017 when I worked male models. I never met him – we spoke on the phone. We had two convos totaling EIGHT HOURS, during which I explained the principles of show biz success. He had ambition, desire, what it takes, he was gorgeous. He did have some drawbacks, but they were not huge & he was willing to what he had to. He got to the top of the modeling world with work for RALPH LAUREN. You don’t go any higher.

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The rest of the models & rappers haven’t listened, & they aren’t getting anywhere. They think my advise doesn’t apply to them, they can make it in their own way, today is different. But as I said, the principles of promotion are always the same. Anna Pavlova the ballerina & Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, were promoted by Sol Hurok, the same way then as now. Eugene Sandow, World’s Strongest Man, was promoted in the media same as today. He was a counterpart of La Belle Otero, a singer-dancer who had 5 kings of Europe seated at her 30th birthday table, where she danced naked atop the table. Josephine Baker, the black vaudeville star who made it big in Europe, made it the same way everyone else did – through the media. There is nothing new under the sun.


Let me just add this. Yes, I called the Press, which any stripper could have done. But WHY did they come out to interview me? Because I did something NO STRIPPER HAD EVER DONE, I worked for God when I danced, in 90% of the clubs I gave ACTUAL SERMONS before or after the act. When I could not preach, I would pray with the customers between shows – one time I saved a guy from SUICIDE. Let me digress:


        The Man I Saved from Suicide


        Did you ever see a person kill themselves? I did. It happened when I was working in Montreal.

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        I was standing at the Metro station waiting for the next train, when lo & behold, a young man to the left of me jumped onto the tracks, just as a train came & barreled over him. Everyone – I mean everyone –jumped back but me. I stood there staring, trying to comprehend what happened.


        A police officer came & singled me out to give the ‘deposition’ – which is an eyewitness account – not sure why he chose me, I guess someone told him I didn’t jump back but stood & stared, so I went to the office there underground & made out the document.


        I was upset by this incident, however, & the next day I went to the office & inquired why the man had killed himself, did they know? The officer told me the man had a relationship with the guy standing next to him & he told him,


        ‘If you don’t tell me you love me, I’m going to jump on the track & kill myself,’


        The man said nothing, so the guy jumped. The officer told me he did have some mental problems. I was deeply saddened.


        After that I prayed sincerely, ‘God, let me save a man from suicide to make up for this.’


        Some time later I was working in Washington DC, the second gig there, when a young man approached me for prayer. He said,


        “I have lost my job, then my girlfriend, I want to kill myself, pray for me.’


        I held his hands & prayed for 20 minutes. When finished I asked him how he felt, he said,


        “I don’t want to kill myself any more.”


        Suddenly I remembered my prayer. God answered it.


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