College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Rigoletto My Evil Brother

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Chapter 6 “Rigoletto” My Evil Brother {Channeling}


  Includes some questions to Monster Mom & anecdotes



This writing is fiction, for literary purposes.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.


Going back to my childhood is not a happy feeling, not when I have to think about those who hurt me. There were good times I will also explain, life was not unbearable. But let’s start with the evil stuff. I channel my brother Jimmy:

ME: I am 7 – you are almost 10, living at Delancey St. with the cobblestone back hard. You spent two days whittling with your pocket knife, a spear on a strong, long stick, with a snide smile on your face. You had an evil plan. You would make me run, holding the spear the pointed part toward me, & you said to hold the stick as close to the cobblestones as possible – you said, can you do this? It was a challenge, & you also added that I should run as fast as I could.

This resulted in the stick eventually hitting a cobblestone & the spear stabbed into my left leg far inside {I still have a large scar}. Years later I thought about it & realized you were trying to impale me on my vagina. I was disabled a long time & the wound took months to heal {I was NOT taken to the doctor to have it sewn up, my Mom was afraid to get brother in trouble.} My question is, what was your intention with this act, what satisfaction did you get out of it?

JIM: The pleasure I got out of it was that you would get hurt – maybe in a sinister way besides being painful – & I didn’t do it – you did it to yourself. I would TRICK YOU.

ME: And that would give you pleasure? Did you hate me?

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JIM: People like myself & Mom, we hate everyone, it’s like we don’t have love in our hearts. You were just an object, someone to harass, laugh at, hurt for fun even before we started the concerted campaign of War on Rasa. You ask what was the pleasure? Those who are small-minded, of the world & the flesh, who have no True Love, see everyone & everything for them to use. People, animals, plants, ecology & nature are just there to be used, abused, enjoyed for whatever they want. They don’t see nature as God’s creation, to be revered, that it is Sacred, they see it all as objects for their use.

Furthermore, We of the world & flesh instantly know those few who are of God, who have good hearts & souls, & we don’t look up to you, we see you as suckers, targets, easy prey. You don’t take revenge, you forgive all who hurt you, so you are the first ones we pick on. You saw how they treated you when you were a minister & ‘Stripped for God,’ – how cruel people were. But when you turned to professional dominatrix & kicked ass, they shut their traps. You were not one to be trifled with, so they were afraid of you.

ME: I don’t understand how one could get pleasure out of hurting someone or seeing someone get hurt. I’m not saying there should be no punishment for the wicked – I have little tolerance for criminals who hurt others, people or animals – God needs to punish them & correct them whatever way She sees fit. But is it normal & natural to enjoy the pain of others, who have done no harm?

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JIM: We, who are the abusers & bullies, never pick on the huge, the powerful, the strong, we pick on the small, weak, helpless, defenseless. We ourselves are weak & have small minds & hearts. It makes us feel bigger, stronger to hurt someone – but we don’t want to be hurt, so we pick on those that are harmless.

There’s the spiritual factor also. We of the flesh hate those of the Spirit of God. We know these people, a small minority, make us look bad. We aren’t all demons, but we’re not of God, we have no particular love, we’re on a lower level – & so, we hate those on a higher level. It was obvious to all of us that you loved God, that you obeyed the spiritual rules as taught us in Church & Catechism – we paid no attention, but you abided by what the nuns taught. Those of the flesh hate those of the Light.

ME: In another case, you & Mephistopheles took my teddy bear outside, fixed the doors so I could not get out of the house, then you shouted for me to come to the window. I did, & you both took my teddy & tortured him by pulling his tail, stabbing him with a knife & laughing your heads off. I tried to get out of the house to stop you but you propped the doors, so I couldn’t. Obviously, no adults were around. What pleasure did you two get out of this?

JIM: Like I said, we used you for laughs. To us your pain was funny. I was jealous because they gave you the teddy – I wanted it. So I got even. Bullies, predators & criminals feel powerful when they hurt someone, when they do wrong to others.

I will channel Mom about the spear. Mom, looking back I understand you did me harm by not taking me to the doctor, who should have sewn up this wound. The size of it took up the entire thigh, like a circumference of 6″, not just the hole, but the black & blue surrounded it, & I could not use that leg for weeks. Why didn’t you take me to the doctor?
And second, Dad was there. If you were a psycho, he wasn’t. Why didn’t he insist on taking me to the doc?

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MM {Monster Mom}: Because I knew your brother was the cause of it, & didn’t want to get him into trouble. And your Dad – I was the dominant one, he obeyed me.

If we took you to the doc you would have explained how your brother tricked you into running that way, with the spear pointed at you. There was a chance they might tell authorities & they might have put him in a delinquent home. A far chance, to be sure, but it could have happened. So yes, I risked your life to make sure Jim was safe. Yes, I loved him but not you. Why did I love him but not you? He was my only son, & you were of God & loved your Dad, & I bowed to neither one. {end channel MM}

ME: Ask Jim & MM – the night there was a revelation. I had a heart attack, & I must have died temporarily, & a promise of Jesus was fulfilled ‘I promise that you will die in my arms.’ I saw this in a vision, & the two of you witnessed it.
We were in a large, old theater. There on this elevated stage as if suspended in the middle of the air, in front of the dim balcony you were both sitting, in brilliant Light, was Pope Pius XII {the Pope of my childhood}. He had been holding The Blessed Sacrament, but it fell to the floor, I tried to help him retrieve it somehow, & fell into his lap, startling him, & The Bl. Sacrament turned into a nearly one pound ROCK I had found with inscriptions embedded – that later I came to understand represented MY LIFE.

I saw the two of you sitting there in the dim light, MM on the left, Jim on the right, & you’d seen this transaction without emotion, I then moved away from the Bright Light / suspended stage, past you guys to an exit in back out the balcony, to go outside.

This vision tells me that I ‘died in the arms of Jesus’ represented by my childhood Pope – {the way Our Lord promised me in Jan 1978 during our betrothal where He gave me 3 rings made of Light on my left hand} & that I was another Bl. Sacrament, which means martyr I guess – seen as the Sacrament the Pope dropped which turned into a rock that represented ME. I was, with the Lord, in a Bright Light, while you guys, in Heaven, in a dim one.

Why did God show you this vision of me? Jim answer first, then MM.

JIM: God wanted us to see who we had abused – where you were spiritually, not to give us pain but understanding. Our minds were opened.

MM: We were shown your holiness, being One with God, & were made to see our own transgressions by abusing you. And you also had to see, that although we were in heaven, the Light or spiritual stature you had was much brighter, higher than ours, we in a dim light, you in a Bright one, same as Our Lord – a martyr. This showed the Justice of God for us & you – People like us who are abusers cannot be in a Light as brilliant as the one we abused.

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ME to JIM: You eventually go to Heaven. How did you make it? And your Purgatory was not that long. Had you had a lot of Purgatory on earth?

JIM: After my youth, I had a lot of reverses, accidents – I lost my finger & eye – hardships in business, struggles with raising a family, & in the end, a horrible death from cancer. I also, because of good training, went to Church a lot throughout my life, received the Bl. Sacrament, & raised my children in the Church & exposed them to the good of the Church, had them receive the Sacraments & all that.

I improved with age & also suffered a lot, so that paid for most of my sins of youth & foolishness. Mom had also entered Heaven before me & she prayed for me every day.

ME: But you’re not in a high place, you’re in the same place as Mom, who might have ended up in Hell had I not intervened. Why then did you not go to a higher spot in Heaven, if you had changed & paid for most of your sins?

JIM: I was not a great soul like you, haha. Just a little soul, like Mom. I was never saintly or devoted, I just went from Monster to decent. I did nothing extraordinary or unusual for God’s Love, as did you, I never went out of my way, I lived for survival. People like that don’t go to high places in Heaven.

ME: Why did you obey Mom when I was 10, when she told you & Mempho to abuse me from then on? Didn’t you know that was wrong? After all, we went to Catechism & Church together, you were an altar boy.

JIM: I told you before, we went to the same places of study & devotion, but the rest of us didn’t pay that much attention. When the nuns told us to sacrifice, you said we should give up candy – we thought you were nuts. And when I broke the fence – Mom saw it through the window – asked who did it – the nuns had told us to take the blame for other’s wrong doing – so you said you did it, Mom looked at you like you were whacked.

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ME: OK, so you had little virtue or True Love, people like that do not get a high place in Heaven. Dad was far from perfect, he was a decent soul – he calls himself ‘a little saint’ but you are far lower than him. He is 3 feet tall, how tall are you & Mom in Spiritual stature?

JIM: You can find us crawling on the floor, like bugs, at the feet of Dad. That is embarrassing to tell you, but I am compelled. We are like 2″ tall compared to Saints.

ME: You don’t feel big & bad any more, abusing others.

JIM: No I don’t feel proud of myself, but grateful to God for being here, I know She is just & merciful, praise God.

ME: What about the time your male friend was visiting, you were then filled with testosterone, about 15 years old, stronger than me at last, & you beat me to a pulp for a small transgression. Then the two of you chased me into the woods, he shouting ‘Let’s rape her!’ I avoided getting caught, probably because I knew the woods better than you, as I habituated them every day. What would you have done had you caught me?

JIM: God would not allow that to happen, us catching you. God spared you of being sexually abused as a child, although you suffered at the hands of men that way as an adult. What would we have done? I probably would have held you down as he raped you, but I’m not sure. Hate to think of it.

ME: Did you not see – it was so obvious, how hospitable & kind Mom was to your friends, & how cruel to mine? This friend who would have raped me. He was invited to dinner. Mom was so nervous, she burned the food. It was American style – meat & vegetables. She had never burned food before, it was because she was trying so hard to please the boy. {But of course the boy said it was delicious.}

Meanwhile, my good friend, Sandra Selchow visited me. We played outside a couple hours, it was time for dinner. Mom would not let her eat with us, she had to wait outside. I then smuggled food to her after dinner, a box of chocolate covered donuts. I ate one, she ate the rest.

How did it make you feel when you & your friends were treated so well while my friend was not even allowed to eat with us?

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JIM: I felt superior. I was better than you for some reason – why I don’t know. Mom looked at me as important, you as insignificant except to use as a slave. And so, the friends of slaves are insignificant also. I had no feelings of guilt, remorse or pity for you or your friends, I was puffed up with pride.

ME: What about the way you treated me in High School that one year we were together? You walked by & ignored me, afraid people would think we knew each other. You collected stupid stories, turned into lies, which you passed to Mom, who would call Dad to make him think low of me. Like the time you heard I ran into the boy’s side of the gym {none were present} to retrieve the volley ball – the other girls wouldn’t – & that was twisted into I ENTERED THE BOYS BATHROOM AT SCHOOL – told my Dad that by long-distance phone! Other stupid things, anything to tarnish my reputation.

How did you fool the kids into believing you were hot stuff? You weren’t, but boy, did you put on an act. They voted you President of the class every year. They voted you ‘Most Likely to Succeed.’ What a joke, it should have been least likely. You left your wife & kid with nothing but a mountain of debt, & that, after Mom financed you – bought you a business. You were unable to make it on your own, every business you opened or job you got failed, even though you were a college graduate. Mom even got you a wife, her secretary. But still, with all the props, you failed, you became an alcoholic & had to go to AA. The business Mom got you, a floristry, did not flourish, you were barely getting by every year. Because you were stupid & not enterprising. How did you fool everyone?

JIM: By being propped up by Mom, making me believe I was important, I acted like I was. I was quiet but had a sort of self confidence which was false – I believed in a self that didn’t exist – that I was a great man. To prove my greatness I did well in sports, was captain of the football team, so that made me seem important. I gave off an air of superiority. A lot of people do that, who are not really great – look at King Herod, Stalin, Adolf Hitler, many of those leaders who were murderers, just look at all the men of history who were cruel & wicked, & yet, people chose them as leaders. That’s because people look from the outside in, they don’t see the heart, they see the personality, body language, arrogance, pride, & they think this person is superior. He just has to put on a show, think highly of himself. These are con artists, so I was a con artist, I hid my evil from most, but not from you, because no decent person would have abused you the way I did. So I could not fool you.

ME: So of course, you did not introduce me to our friends, who could have been my dates, but many years later I discovered you dated two of my most beautiful girl friends. You were not a brother to e, were you? A brother helps his sister find love & dates, you did the opposite.

JIM: No, I was not a brother to you, the opposite, I was your enemy. I distanced myself from you when it came to help, but I secretly reached down to your beautiful friends & tried to get with them – only it didn’t work. I had no luck with girls, I could never find a wife, because I was tongue-tied with them, I never spoke. That was part of my arrogance. I had no charm, but most people convict themselves & show how stupid they are when they talk. So nobody knew how stupid I was because I didn’t talk, haha.

And yes, I know the next question so I shall answer it. Yes, Miss Pippel gave me higher marks than you in typing class even though your average was B+, mine was B. You checked every test we took. But on the report card Miss Pippel gave me a B+ & you a B. This proves how they did tests on male & female students & discovered teachers traditionally gave males higher marks even when they’d not earned them. So you were shafted on so many levels.

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Yes, you were also shafted about being a cheerleader. You were not permitted to be one after school because you had to come home & do chares, I was permitted to be a football player, no chores.

You were shafted in our family in every way a person could be, the list goes on. am I in Heaven now proud of it? No, but there is a God, & She is on the side of the downtrodden, & your day will come. You’ve already seen great success in life, even though you haven’t got the love & recognition you deserve, but that will all be straightened out in time, even while you live, & more so after you die.

ME: What about the time my dog Ciulis got hit by a car & his back leg was dislocated. Mom & I took him to the vet, who put a pin in his thigh to make it cement – the metal pin stuck out of his body, it must have been awful. Meanwhile I was sent away, kicking & screaming, to my Aunt’s. I wanted to stay with my dog. Mom swore on the bible there was nothing I could do for the dog, she would go back to the vet in a couple weeks to have the pin removed. But after I was taken away, Mom never got me for an unbearable SIX WEEKS.

When I returned discovered Mom had never taken the dog back to the vet – A lady came from the humane society, saw his condition & took her to court. She beat it with the help of the local cops from Thorn’s Milk Bar, where Mom & brother worked. They swore what a good woman she was, provided for her family, etc. {Later she betrayed them & got their privileges taken away at Thorn’s – will explain later on.}
That was why she hadn’t picked me up from the Aunt – she didn’t want me to witness her cruelty to the dog – the dog she swore to care of.

Now to my question. When I came home, the poor dog, with that painful pin in his bone, sticking out through his flesh, seemed to not even recognize me, his pain was so great. But beyond that he was tied with a chain that was super old, the kind that siezes up, crinkles, gets shorter & shorter as the dog moves around, until he could only move a foot on the metal bar. And it was raining. I went out & unfastened the chain again & again, feeling pity but not knowing what I could do. I come into the house, & you & Mempho are sitting there at the table, doing something. You never even greeted me after my absence of six weeks. I then say to you guys,

“It’s raining, & the dog’s chain keeps getting seized up, & he can’t even get into the shed when it does that. Could you help me in checking on him every half hour, & unseize the chain from time to time?”

You both gave me a cold, contemptuous look, did not even answer, & went back to your project. What were you feeling then?

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JIM: I was feeling that I was important, that what we were doing was important, that the dog was insignificant, we had no feelings for his pain, that you were insignificant, & if you wanted to do anything for the dog, you’d have to do it yourself – case closed. You did not even deserve a ‘hello, how are you’ after your absence.

ME: On the long trip back from North Salem, NY, Mom was driving me – she also complained about you guys – that you refused to weed the Bl. Virgin Garden. And the first thing I did upon our return, I spent several hours & got all the weeds out of the garden, bleeding up to my shoulders with the scratches from the roses. Why did you guys not weed the Holy Virgin’s Garden?

JIM: Again, what did we care? It was none of our business, we had better things to do. Mom was conning you into feeling sorry for her & weeding the garden all by yourself. She planted the garden, why didn’t she weed it?

ME: But you were her vassals, you obeyed her, but not in all things?

JIM: We obeyed her, but in things that were easy to do, fun, like beating you up, ignoring you, having contempt for you – seeing your pain. That we obeyed. But weeding the garden of roses, where we’d work hard & get scratched up, that was not fun, so why would we do it?

ME: Weren’t you ashamed of yourselves?

JIM: We had no shame. Our pride blinded us. We felt like superior beings.

ME: What about the time you guys – Mom, Mempho & you, were all three sitting at the dining room table, working on things. I thought to myself, hey, this is nice, I’ll join them with my homework. I go get my books, & sit down with you at the table.

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Mom looks at me witheringly & says,
“You’re not a pretty sight to look at.”
The two of you laugh. I am embarrassed & ashamed, I know I’m not welcome, so I leave the table & go to my room.
I must have been about 11 because that’s when I had the slice above my lip – I thought maybe the wound makes me look ugly. Mom & Jim would catch the roosters for Sunday supper, the two of them would chop off their heads. But the last rooster – all my pets – called Opera – they could not catch. He was the loudest, fastest, most aggressive. But I could catch any animal, including him. I did catch him but while I was holding him he sliced my face above my lip – I still had that wound. Was it the wound or was I just ugly? This incident made me feel unworthy, unwanted & unattractive, those words ‘You’re not a pretty sight to look at’ went right into my heart. I will channel MM now.

ME: MM, why did you say those words to me? To ostracize me from your company, make me feel I wasn’t worthy to be in your company?

MM: I despised you, & this was a chance, a good one, to demoralize you, make you feel pain, & I knew the others would back me up – a golden opportunity to hurt you. Yes, I was satisfied, another slap in the face, another punch, all added up to a complete run down of your natural pride & self esteem – we were the winners, you the loser.

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And today, in Heaven, we hate looking back at our sins because they are so offensive to God, so I now encourage you to tell it like it was & spare no punches so others who are like you could find peace & rest knowing they are not alone. And your brother felt the same as me, he was just a little punk following me & felt proud of himself where we hurt you again, taught you a lesson.

On the good side, I must say that when we moved to a farm near Freehold, NJ, brother & I for a while were good friends – I was age 9 to about 11. We played & did sports. Every day – besides the chores – we found time for badminton, baseball, wrestling in the wheat field, {I stopped when you felt my breast} races & we made our own bows & arrows with branches & strings, sharpened our arrows & had contests. The majority of the games, I won, which is unusual because he was nearly 3 years older, & so of course, he resented that. He got even with me when he got the chemical testosterone – beat me to a pulp. {Once we were fighting in the house, Mom walked by the glass door, saw it, ran in not to break us up but to help him beat me. She didn’t even know what it was about.}

The chores we did together were these. On the coldest days – always the coldest – Mom sent us out into the woods for two things. One, we had to get mulch for all the fruit trees, which means the leaves that had fallen in the woods, put them into the oldest raggedy blankets, & mulch all the newly planted fruit trees. We had wonderful peach trees. Then we took those same blankets & collected 100 pounds of acorns for our two pigs. The pigs only got a couple cups of them a day – they loved them. {One of them stepped on my foot while he ate, I could not push him off – 250 lbs. I beat him with my fists, he felt nothing. Finally he just moved.}

I was the only one responsible for the chickens, geese & ducks. They needed fresh water daily, that’s how I grew shoulder muscles. A child carrying several gallons of water a day was good training. I was the only one, also, who fed & walked the dogs. When I think of how the animals were treated, including our cow, its heartbreaking – I shall speak of it later.

My Mom’s favor toward Jim was to a point of being perverse – spoiled brat, favored, nurtured, supported, feted, & the same for his friends. It’s unbearable to think about this any more.

end Chapter 6      1-26-21

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized




1-26-21 Ex Lover Saga – Dream


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This is fiction for literary purposes. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.


Meditated on ex Lover Joseph last night, had this dream.
I’m in a room where Joe is in a corner facing a friend of Mine, Mary Jones. They’re working on something, he’s taking notes. Vaguely, company is expected for some occasion.

*(MARY JONES: Represents someone who’s going to die, as in real life, she has cancer. This is probably his live-in wife who’s going to DIE TO HIM, or no longer be his wife, they will part. Remember that death is an END to something, a project, a job, a hope, or especially a relationship.)*

Joe & I are distant, we don’t interact.
But then, the room empties & Joe & I are together, & he is behind me, myself facing the wall or ‘columned’ corner where he was.

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*(ROOM EMPTIES: This is when people, distractions, facades, masks, are removed from Joe & he expresses what he really feels – HIS LOVE FOR ME. The COLUMN I’ve seen in another dream, it represents the SUPPORTING BEAM of our HOUSE or marriage / relationship.)*

A man that might be him comes close behind me, & puts his arm around me. I instantly feel warmth & bliss, as I always do when Joe is near me – I go into a trancelike state. I somehow see what he’s wearing, a light pink cotton dress shirt, long sleeves, a sleek brown dress belt that might have two strands, it’s a new belt, no marks, expensive, he’s thin & handsome.


*(WARMTH & BLISS: Is the CHEMISTRY of us being in love, the feel good hormones activate the instant Joe’s in my presence. {Don’t even try to fix people up. The chemistry won’t be there, for love, they must find their own, you never know who it might be.}
PINK COTTON DRESS SHIRT: Has to do with sex. Pink is either sex or a happy feeling.
BROWN BELT, TWO TIERS, EXPENSIVE NEW: This is the CELIBACY imposed on him by me, where we DON’T have sex. EXPENSIVE in spiritual terms means suffering or ‘it costs a lot. NEW is the celibacy is new – for years I let him have sex with me, then I didn’t. TWO TIERS could be the two of us, neither has sex, us two no longer do sex & it could also refer to ‘tears’ or us both weeping there’s no more sex, both wish we could still have it, especially him. BROWN means SUFFERING, but not the total blackout or complete suffering, there’s still some hope, faith or joy in it, in other words, we know we’ll be doing sex again some day, but not now.

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If the belt was BLACK it would be a total end or total suffering. I learned about these symbols from the great mystic Saint Anne Catherine Emmerich.
THE BELT also hold the PANTS UP, which means girded, pants not down, not exposing the bottom for sex, but covered. NO MARKS means NO NOTCHES, like when you have a notch on your belt every time you have sex, it’s a score, so, no sex, no score, no notches.
THIN & HANDSOME is a good disposition toward me, not an ugly one of using me & abusing me like he did.)*

To reciprocate, I put my right arm around his middle & my hand in under his belt so I feel his bare skin above his buns.
He’s speaking in a low, seductive tone & saying it’s BEEN A LONG TIME, & says,
“Where are you going to take me?”
{Just imagine the feeling of bliss / ecstasy when you’re in love with the partner & have not been able to see them a long time, or do anything about it.}
I have the feeling he wanted to hold me & be close to me all the while, but people being around, he could not. As soon as he can show his true feelings for me, he does. They are love & desire.
I think to myself, where does he want to go? I guess to my apt where we can make love – do I want to do that? I’m not sure as I’ve been teaching him a lesson now for a long while.
We stay like this for minutes, then he says let’s go by your car & after I get in, he will.

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*(OUR HOLDING EACH OTHER, BEING INTIMATE, SPEAKING SEDUCTIVELY, TOUCHING BARE SKIN, ETC: This shows our love & mutual desire, it is there, it is deep, but we’re not showing it openly or to the public, it’s secret.)*

And at that moment we need to duck out the back door pronto because those arriving for the meeting walk in the door. We move fast.
I see a man in blue & a woman in black. The woman in black seems like a contemplative nun but also like they just came from a FUNERAL & this is the after-funeral brunch. But we don’t want these people to see us, the funeral seems to have nothing to do with us, although he was taking notes about this or something like it with Mary Jones.

*(MAN IN BLUE ENTERING: Might be a prediction of POLICE, getting arrested for drugs. This is an OMINOUS sign but it could be the turning point of changing him from the crooked to the straight lifestyle.
The FUNERAL is definitely an END to something – his end to the way he was, his end with her. The fact that SHE IS IN BLACK might say it’s an END for her, like her getting arrested, doing time, losing her job, so that would be the end of income, lifestyle. Or & this could both be true, it’s the end of their MARRIAGE. The MAN IN BLUE could also represent the SPIRITUAL COP or ANGEL. It could be God’s Will, God stepping in through her angel, to end their relationship, & this could happen, of course, if one or both of them gets arrested for drugs & loses their jobs {if they’re absent from work doing time}. It is, without a doubt, an END to something.
We want to quickly run out of there to commence our secret love – we want nothing to do with this, might be saying this is HIS WIFE’S PROBLEM, LET’S GET OUT OF HERE & RESUME OUR TIME TOGETHER.)*

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Now we’re headed through this large, extended building, to the outside. But a glitch happens. He’s to my left. We come upon a sliding door, like a garage overhang, but this is just like soft plywood, & it’s down three quarters. He thought he might have to help me & begins to move the plywood, but I duck & get past under it – & that’s where we part.

He’s gone, I am somehow still stuck in a building, a dark, dismal one, like an industrial place. I see men around, one man on a landing in front & ask him where’s the door to the outside? He points to the door behind him & opens it for me. I exit, but it’s into another strange world – a bad one – where I have been before {in dreams} & it took forever to escape.

*(THROUGH THE DOOR, HERE WE PART: This is a time of our separation, a necessary evil before we get back together, a time of unhappiness.)*

This area is far from where I want to go. It is city, -extended, slums, thousands of people, industries, buildings, ugly malls, poverty, stretching miles around. I ask directions but no one knows, they point this way or that. I’ve got out before but can’t recall how & it took a long time.

I come by a store or shop where there are a few women & ask them directions. One attractive blonde tells me THIS IS A BAD PLACE. I already know that, but what is the way out? They are more familiar with this than I am, but instead of helping me, they talk to each other about their day to day concerns, like most people they are self centered.

*(HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE: We were separate before, I was miserable, went through this again. This is not the future but the past, a review, as we shall soon see.)*

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Now I kind of glide & fly through this area looking for the way out to ‘home.’ Men in groups see me & exclaim about me, because I’m beautiful, my body is beautiful, shapely & well muscled. First I’m wearing a pastel pink dress, then it turns white.

*(MEN NOTICE ME: This is when I hung around at the bars & clubs & men thought I was beautiful, had sex appeal.)*

Then a bad thing happens. A horrible man who is like a midget but fully grown, totally bald head, is infatuated with me & grabs hold of me, like gets inside my dress. I begin to tear him off me, & blood comes out, I don’t know from him or me – probably him. I tear & tear & have to remove my entire dress, which is pink I guess, lots of blood – to get rid of him I have to sacrifice the entire dress.

*(TO GET RID OF HIM HAVE TO SACRIFICE THE ENTIRE DRESS, BLOOD COMES OUT ETC: This is the attachment to the flesh, when Joseph gets UNDER MY SKIN. He’s in love with me, I with him, but it’s too physical, it has to be righteous, a real marriage. But to stop this lust I must cut out the sex entirely, it is a BLOOD SACRIFICE which means total sacrifice of something physical, the flesh, something that really hurts.
His being a MIDGET is being immature although he’s grown, & his being BALD is INSANITY, as hair represents the brains, so being bald is when you go crazy.)*

Underneath it is a nice other dress, it’s white, not as ‘colorful’ but pretty, & under it is a sort of yellow-green slip with little balls on the hem, I straighten it out so the slip doesn’t show as much, & I am off, having gratefully gotten rid of the monster.

*(PINK DRESS TURNS TO WHITE, DON’T WANT MY SLIP WITH BALLS SHOWING, GOT RID OF THE MONSTER: Sex {PINK} turns to NO SEX {white, virginity or celibacy}. It took a LOT OF BALLS on my part to get rid of the MONSTER OF LUST. This scene shows how hard it was for me to do what I did, but I succeeded. For a while I was possessed by his sexuality – my desire for him. Giving it up is shown as BLEEDING – whose blood? Both of us.)*

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Now I channeled Joseph before I got out of bed, & do so now.

ME: Joe, why did you treat me so badly?

JOE: I was not aware of being bad to you, I am the same to all women – you don’t realize that. I never call any of them back after I have sex, they call me, I ignore them. It’s just when I want to have sex I talk to them.

ME: But I saw you giving your number to many women downtown, pretty ones, ugly ones, fat ones, & you even smeared it into my face by saying to one fat ugly girl over & over, ‘call me’ in front of me when I didn’t even have your number……..And when I did get your number in an ingenious way, you hung up on me, & then later, when I left meaningful messages, you fixed it so no one could leave a message & after that, got a new phone. You blocked me out of your life in all ways but the way of sex – you did not go out with me any place, you only hung with others, mostly guys – you blocked me from social media after I said things you didn’t like. You were extremely rude yet you sought me out for sex again & again – this going on for years. Why blocking me out in all ways but wanting to have sex with me?

JOE: You don’t see how mean & cruel I am to other females, you only see the surface & the times I tried to make you jealous. I made it seem like I was being courteous or nice to others, but I was not. I would use them once, maybe twice, for sex. Some I used a few months, then dumped them. I never answered their phone calls, I only contacted some when I wanted sex or when it was convenient, like we were already out, they were there, I was there, we fucked.

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When I told you I was ‘too young’ to have a relationship with you, I meant I was TOO SICK to have a relationship, & I’m still not ready. The woman I’m with – it seems like a relationship, but it began through drugs, & then we’ve stayed together since then, but I’m not a good husband {I fukk behind her back when I can, I even told you about one girl, you figured out who she was from my media, you noticed that she was a friend for a couple months, then disappeared, because I blocked her. I was using her for sex, as usual, she wanted a relationship, she got demanding, kept calling, I then blocked her….I do these things all the time behind the back of Renee, including I was having sex with you when I told you about this affair, I lied that I had broken up with Renee, & was with this new girl, etc. I told you her name partially, you looked up my friends, figured who she was, & soon, she was gone………

Also I block you from conversation because you’re intent on Healing, I can’t face it, I don’t want to admit what happened, I’m in denial, I want to block out the truth, I’m not ready for all that you want to give me, it will be painful, but I am in love with you, I love you in true love, I need you, & so I kept having sex with you. When I am ready to have the relationship, I will call & ask to see you, but until then, I fear you will reject me, you will say no to sex, I will suffer, so I can’t call until I’m ready.}

The way it started with Renee, we shared drugs. Again & again, we shared cocaine & I didn’t move in with her for a year, had my Dad pick me up every day & went back there after work until evening. Did not sleep there, but after a while, it was more convenient to stay there so I stayed.

ME: But at this time you stopped talking to me for nine months. Was it because of her & the drugs or you were angry at the images?

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JOE: It was both. I was mad about the images & you wouldn’t listen, you left some on the internet, I got razzed, I couldn’t take the gaff. She & I were sharing drugs daily, at that same time, so it worked that I’d get even with you, & also, I didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ as at that time, I wasn’t working steady, she paid for the drugs, she had more bread than me. Later that changed, we were equals in money making, but now, all Hell has broke loose, I might have more money than her, we are desperate. I don’t support her or the kid, as I said, you think this is such a hunky-dory relationship, but it isn’t, I’m a mean Dad & husband, what Dad spends money on himself but not his wife & child?

ME: But you still aren’t ready for a relationship with me, you’re only ready to resume using me for sex. Can you explain this? I know you love me, I am the only one you love – I shall ask you about that momentarily – but why aren’t you ready for a relationship. What are you afraid of? You expressed fear of going off with me, like to my house, several times before, that you don’t know what I’ll do to you – I might hurt you.

JOE: I’m paranoid. When Dad abused me & hurt me terribly, since I was like 2 or 3 years old, my Mom stood by & let him do it. I never, ever admit this, I defend her, even him. I deny that he abused me, or that she threw me to the wolf. It’s all a horrible cover up, it’s wounds with skin grown over them, scars that never heal, I am deadly sick & pretend I’m well. I need drugs to stay alive, without substances, I feel like killing myself, but I pretend it’s but a social thing, I just do drugs for fun.

ME: You knew I was against the drugs & eventually found out about the abuse from you & another person- who was also abused by your Dad. Then it all fell into place, I knew why you were sick, acted the way you did, medicated yourself. I prayed my heart out for you, I got anxiety attacks & eventually heart attacks. Did you have any idea how bad I was hurting?

JOE: I only BEGAN to see your pain after you stopped seeing me, I have been in pain ever since I realized you were through, I think of you every day, that you would not give in until I gave you what was right – what every woman wants & needs – a relationship. And the reason I’m not calling you I’m not ready for that relationship of true love, I’m only ready to continue that fake, front relationship I have with Renee, drug based, being a bad husband & Dad, that I am ready for but not True Love & Healing.

The thought of healing scares shit out of me, it says I must admit what I have covered up, face it, like staring Hell in its face. I must do that, I’m afraid to do that. I must face my Dad was a Monster, my Mom a demon from Hell – that I find hard to do. I’ve been lying to myself & friends all my life, I have to change, not ready for change yet.

ME: What do you feel about me in your heart, & what do you wish for for us?

JOE: I want to be with you, only you. I want to leave my parents behind – you my one & only that loves me. I want to leave my druggie friends & that entire lifestyle. I want to stop all substances, I sure want to leave Renee. I’d like to continue seeing my child once in a while, one hour a week or every two weeks, I do care about her. I don’t want to abandon her.

ME: Are you saying your love for me is true & you want to do all the things I wanted you to do all these years, but you aren’t capable or ready?

JOE: That is correct. You’ll have to wait until the time I’m ready. If we take up again right now, it’ll be the same pattern, & it might delay what has to happen. What must occur is a shakeup on my life, like I get caught & arrested, I lose my job, I lose my income, I am on my ass & flat on my face. I have nowhere to turn, no one can or will help me. The only ones that might take me in are those evil parents, who I’ve been trying to get away from all my life but can’t. It would be going backward to be with them. Other than that, some fag might take me in, but I don’t want that either.

I have to lose all my security, the roof over my head, my income, everything. Then I’ll be ready to do what’s right, give you a relationship, otherwise I’ll keep going my sick merry way, the low road. To take the high road, I must lose it all.

ME: I’m glad I channeled you. Things came out I didn’t see before, mainly, why you’re afraid to call me, that’s a key. It’s because you know I’ll say no to sex, you’d feel rejection. When you are ready to say ‘I’m ready to have a relationship’ then you have no longer fear of calling me, as you know I’ll say yes. It’s the guy with the ring vs the guy with the hardon.

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I’m a bit curious, though, about what happens to you & her in the end. Is one of you going to get arrested? The dream shows a cop, but I don’t know if it’s an earthly cop or a celestial one.

JOE: I see trouble ahead for both of us, if one of us falls, the other can’t hold them up, our relationship folds. But bad things have to happen at times for good things to come out of it. You have not succeeded in any other way with me, neither has God. God & you are One, you work together. First, God comes to us in a nice way, but we don’t listen. God tries again & again, deaf ears. Finally God has to impose the law of karma, it comes against us & we fall. Then we say, like David, ‘I was not humble until I was humbled.’ We fall off our High Horse.

Right now I am suffering because I can’t be with you, but I’m still arrogant. I think I can make it without you. I think all I need is more money. So I’m doing things to make more money – we both are. Even though money is not the answer to all things, we believe it is. We’re looking at the small picture of day to day survival. Neither one of us is willing to admit, what’s wrong with me, that I need substances? We both need help but instead of help, we continue the lifestyle with others like ourselves, like lemmings, we all eventually run off the cliff, or the blind leading the blind.

Let it happen this way. You preach about the extinction of men. That is the big picture. You don’t hear anyone else talking about it or preaching it except but one friend, because the majority don’t want to think about it or face it. So they are in denial & block the thought out of their heads. Life goes on it’s merry way, business as usual, Patriarchy keeps imposing it’s unjust laws until what? People look at the tiny picture of survival, day to day, but they don’t work for Matriarchy or Female Empowerment to save the world from men.

And that’s where Renee & I are right now. We deny the big picture, which is we need help to get us off substances, we just keep grasping to survive with drugs any way we can until it crashes down, so let it be, just like male extinction has to be to save the world, let us fall into our soup, get egg on our face, then we are forced to face reality.

ME: It is amazing to me how far down people have to fall to get the help they need. Help – mine & God’s – has been offered for years. Healing is there, but people don’t listen, until they are flat broke, homeless, maybe in jail, then they might listen. I have someone who has cancer who I can heal but she won’t listen so I can’t heal her. People hold on to the things of the world, they don’t want to change. They don’t want to make sacrifices, they don’t want to ‘suffer,’ so they keep smoking, using the microwave, speeding, keeping guns where kids can get them, having bad relationships, until they are dead.

I know a case where these young whippin’ snappin’ ministers criticized John Hagee, a man of God. As their punishment, God took them down & both guys became homeless. One was sniffing glue under a bridge. Another minister found him & offered help, but he refused, he said he wanted to stay that way. What is wrong with people? Weak, sinful, stupid, know it alls, think they’ll be fine as they are, but they aren’t. Why does it take so much for them to change?


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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized



MY DAD Chapter 5








CHANNELING: Btw people might ask what is channeling? Does the other person actually speak to you? Channeling is MIND READING. The person you channel can be living or dead, on earth, in Heaven or Hell. They in most cases won’t be aware you’re ‘talking’ to them but you’re accessing their mind or field of energy, like plugging into a computer.

At this point I want to channel my God Self {God is within all of us all the time, but people aren’t always aware of God or close to her.} I will ask God:

ME: Almighty God, tell me what did I learn from the abuse of my mother, how did it help me? I know I gained good from it, because you are a good God, & you would not permit evil to beat me up & let me stay on the ground. You will use every seemingly ‘bad’ thing for my benefit, the way you sometimes allow people to get cancer to bring them closer to you. They pray & cannot get rid of the cancer because you allowed it for their good – that is why healing cannot always work. If a disease is your will, healing will not happen, it would move them away from you again. I am saying that everything that happens to us, you use it for our greater benefit, & so I know the abuse benefitted me, but how?



GS {my God Self)}: You were chosen from before you were born to serve me – the Almighty, in a special way, & so you had to be strengthened & prepared. Look at the Marines, the military. Look how the sergeants treat the men, they take ‘soft’ boys & make soldiers out of them – they toughen them up. They drill them, make them exercise, work hard, make their own beds, I recall this movie where a Sergeant said to this guy,

“If you think I’m your Mamma you’ll wish you were dead.”

Imagine if the military was nice to the guys, haha. Imagine how they’d run amuck, do whatever they please, lollygag around the base, laugh & sing, neglect exercise & work, talk back to the officers, give their uneducated opinions. {Now imagine these clowns then getting geared up & gunned up & FACING BATTLE – Facing the enemy who wants to kill them, & they must be strong, tough, brave & SKILLFUL in their actions.} They are made to TOW THE LINE.

You were in a sense, made to tow the line, & you did it WILLINGLY. There are three people here who were especially cruel / exploitative to you – your Mom, the Putz & Rev. Judy. You were respectful & obedient to all three of them, & you learned & gained something from each.

Your Mom tried to break you down, demoralize you, with the help of family, so you had to STAND AGAINST DEMORALIZATION. You had to think as to why your life was valuable, why you deserved love even though they tried to make you feel low. Family can really hurt because they are the closest, whoever can access you the more easily can hurt you the most. Strangers are far away, they can’t get to you that much.

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Here is where your Catholic church & Catechism came in, the Holy Nuns who influenced you so much. You knew from the teachings that what is my purpose? ‘To know, love & serve God & be happy with her here & in eternity.’

You knew you are a creation of God, & that God loves you. You saw the example of Jesus Christ, how He was persecuted, for no reason but to save sinners. He did not deserve to die on the Cross or the Passion. It was all for a reason. And so, you knew you were being hurt, persecuted. You knew it wasn’t fair, but you clung to Jesus, & Mary & all the saints, you followed their example.

If they suffered, why should you not suffer?

It is suffering, adversity that makes us strong, not being given all that we need. When we fight for our lives, that tests our metal like steel tested in the fire.

Your family prepared you for what was to come. they were cruel, unfair, they used you, they beat you down – you did not fight back against your Mom. Your Dad did not save you or help you, he was far away, he abandoned you even though he loved you, but not enough. You were alone, just you & your Faith in God, in her goodness, in her saving you.

You had to go into the world in the adult trade, one of the most hated professions. You had to show your body & be treated like a ‘slut & a whore’ Your Aunt Ara told you,

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‘How dare you pray – God will not hear you BECAUSE YOU SELL YOUR BODY!”

You had to stand up against people who looked down on you through prejudice, projection & hate. They assumed you a sinner, the projected their own sins on you, they judged & condemned you. That is not a pleasant way to be treated – but you’d already been through that so you were prepared.

What’s more, you didn’t just dance & model, you also fought for women’s rights in the adult trade, including prostitutes / therapists. You also struggled for the right of women to lift weights, body build, become muscular, for the sake of strength & health, & to be respected & get prize money & recognition just as the men did. That took guts, there was a lot of opposition, plenty of criticism, insults & put downs. You explained it in your book ‘the Origin & Decline of Female Body Building.”

But mind you, the abuse prepared you for these activities, had you been soft, you could not have done it – why was no other woman the main one promoting it? Why did they jump on the band wagon only after you got it started? Because they were not chosen & they were not chosen because they weren’t ready for battle………….{this paragraph continues below the Gideon treatise} {Call in the war horses! Gideon did not want 32K men, he wanted only 300 that could fight.}

How God chose Gideon’s soldiers for battle:

“We might say that God eliminated the fearful and those who thought first only of convenience, the easy way. “The thought is disturbing, but it may well be true, that the composition of God’s army to fight Satan’s hosts in any day is really little different. How many Christians are so fearful of the enemy that they are of no real use in this warfare, and how many of the remainder are so self-centered, rather than God centered, that they find little place for effective ministry.”
In other words, God does not want deadbeats, weaklings, cowards, the fearful, the unprepared, for her work – YOU MUST BE READY. Training for battle is HARD – mentally, emotionally & physically. Most people cannot fight God’s battles – they can’t – look around you. How many resemble Saint Martin Luther King Jr? How many followed in his footsteps? When he was gone, NO ONE TOOK HIS PLACE. Some tried for GLORY but they didn’t make it as they had no ANOINTING.

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…………………….Not soft in body, with drugs they got as good as the men, but soft in their hearts, letting you take the blows, then jumping on the bandwagon for fame & fortune & repudiating you. THAT you were ready for also – ‘No good deed goes unpunished’ – How many times your Mom took her fists & beat on you when you tried to do good {baked a pie while she was asleep}, or asked a question? How many times did she slap you for little things? That prepared you. You were not a soft, spoiled brat. You did not expect to be pampered, complimented, rewarded or praised. You expected to be beaten, slapped, punched & kicked as you worked for Female Empowerment.

Look what they did to Saint Martin Luther King Jr. How much love & recognition did he get in his lifetime from most people & the authorities? The FBI was watching him & invading his privacy, laughing at him & calling him an enemy & finally, like Jesus & many saints, he suffered martyrdom. No, saints & do gooders come up against the world of Satan & his henchmen, they are not welcomed with love – so you also were not.

Your challenge was to take the punishment, not rebel but learn, do the work, no revenge or hate, then finally, when it was time & you had enough, God let you leave & follow your destiny.

ME: The thing is, when we are abused, we don’t take it that way. All we think for a long time is ‘Why, why why? Why did they do that to me?’ I remember seeing this poor girl on TV, someone left her as a baby on the doorstep of a minister’s family & they abused & exploited her horribly.

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The Dad molested her, they all used her as a slave. She did all the house work. When she was a baby in a high chair the Mom knocked her & the chair down a flight of stairs, later, they burned her hands in the fireplace. There were pictures to prove it. She tried to commit suicide & was sent away to relatives where she explained her case. The relatives took it to the police, the parents were convicted & got long sentences. I recall how they looked – both the parents & their kids, were all fat & walked like zombies. The slave girl was thin. One day after a family feast she was doing dishes until 2AM. Why didn’t the rest of them do any work?

Now this poor girl did not talk about the big picture or Jesus’ sufferings – she just kept asking why did they do it, why?

But that is not the question, is it dear God. The question is how does God use torture to make us holy. Torture, persecution, disrespect, calumny, chisels us, it takes away our ego, arrogance, faults & sins. Of course, if we go the other way, take revenge, we can become criminals & demons.

I have kept in mind that even though my parents let me down at one point, they were also responsible for my place in Christianity. They took us to Church every Sunday, & Catechism, we learned, we received the Sacraments. This was a good beginning for me.

I have another question, dear God. In reviewing Gideon’s choice of men, & keeping in mind David & Goliath, when push comes to shove, it is not training or physical might, but it is the ANOINTING that wins the battle. I don’t know about Gideon, but David & Saint Martin Luther King Jr were ANOINTED. How then do you compare my training / preparation to my being ANOINTED?

GS {God Self}: That’s easy. Mind you that David killed a lion & a bear before Samuel anointed him. They don’t mention wolves but he probably stopped them as well. He had proven himself WORTHY. {Being a shepherd has great symbolism. The people are the sheep, the shepherd protects them, guards them against the enemies – for herds of sheep, the predators are wolves, lions & bears – for humans the enemies are Satan & his demons, & so, the shepherd protects people from these. Remember when Jesus questioned Peter, about ‘Do you love me? Then FEED MY SHEEP.’}

Before David could get that Anointing, he had to prove he was prepared. God does not give Anointings to people who don’t deserve them or can’t use them. An Anointing is a huge Gift & a responsibility, it’s God’s Power.

That is why you received Rev. Judy’s Anointing, you could ‘carry’ it – None of her other disciples distinguished themselves. It would have been gone with her, but when she passed it on to you, the Anointing lived on, like an inheritance.

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He was a professor & the founder of the first State Teacher’s College in Lithuania.  There’s a plaque commemorating this in a museum in Kaunas.  In later life he became a poet, for which he was lauded somewhat by our community. 

When we arrived in America around 1950, Dad organized a school for Lithuanians, under the auspices of our Church {Annunciation Church in Newark, N.J.}.  It was conducted in the Church auditorium & had 27 paid teachers.

  I’m proud to have, in some ways, followed the footsteps of my Dad by studying all my life, & eventually building an Online University called ‘Woman Thou Art God.’

  My theatrical name for him is ‘Sir Lancelot,’ a great Knight but flawed.

I will channel him.


ME: Dad, when I was 10 years old I began writing you & asking you to take me live with you. They abused me so badly I said I wanted to kill myself. But you refused, & all you kept saying to me, in each letter, ‘You must study’ like that was the cure for all one’s ills. Explain, why you did not take me.

DAD: I did not take you for several reasons. One, I feared the responsibility, I had never taken care of a child by myself, I wasn’t sure I could do it correctly. Second, I was protective of myself. I didn’t want my life messed up or interfered with, I feared the consequences of raising a daughter. I was selfish to put it all in one word. Had I been self-less or compassionate, had my love been strong enough, I would have worked my way around the fears, the obstacles. I would have thought about you instead of me – how you felt, you were abused & wanted to kill yourself, that’s serious. I should have put all else aside & fought to take you.

Sadly, your love for me was much greater than mine for you. I thought of myself more than I thought of you, how my life might change for the worse if I took you in.

ME: Give me some examples what you feared. Did you fear you would have trouble getting dates? Were you looking for a woman to take Mom’s place? I know you still wanted her & she had rejected you for good. Didn’t you know how poor we were? Didn’t you know Mom had to sometimes borrow money to feed us? You had money, you didn’t send enough.

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You also used me as a spy. that was so wrong, it made her hate me more, you knew it was wrong. You told me to go to her room in the evening & sleep in the small bed, & when she asked why, tell her you wanted to watch out for the baby. Of course that intimidated her, because she might have Marius there. You had me sleep there to see if Marius went there or to prevent it. Besides being wrong, it was also stupid, as if you could prevent or deter her from having sex with Marius.

DAD: Of course I was wrong in all that you say. I wasn’t exactly looking for another women, not aggressively, although I wished for one, if it happened it happened & eventually it did. meanwhile, I told you, I went to prostitutes.

As far as money, I was wrong again. Since she was with a man I put it on his back equally like he could fill the gaps. I should have sent more money, it was selfish. Only one of the children was his – & that was in dispute, but of course, it was his. You struggled. I wasn’t there, so ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ I did not witness your sufferings.

Again, about taking you with me, I should have investigated the claim of abuse – not one single person ever questioned you or interviewed you about what was being done, you had no one to turn to, not even me. I knew she treated you with hate, with cruelty, but I could not imagine the type or degree of it, I should have found out. I never asked you anything. I guess I feared if I knew the extent I would be beholden to take you – rejecting you under those conditions would have made me more guilty. We all sinned against you.

Using you as a spy was a bad decision. You obeyed. She should have just told you she was there for the baby, she didn’t need you, go to your own room, but she didn’t, which was dumb of her too.

I was just being an idiot with cuckold horns & yes, I made her hate you more, which was wrong. I could not prevent her having sex with Marius or anyone else. She lied to me, of course, & said they never had sex – haha. What a joke. Here she had a child with this man & was now living with him & tells me they never had sex. Why didn’t I just let it go?

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ME: Sorry to ask this but I want to. How much money did you spend on prostitutes? Was it enough so that it prevented you from helping us properly, or was it just a pittance?

DAD: Not too much, not too little. I went to the cheapest ones I could find which then might be $20 – $65 in 2021 money, & this was once in a while.

ME: Why did you tolerate Mom’s affairs with other men & of course, you had to assist her when she got abortions. Why didn’t she use condoms? Why did she not give birth to the children? How did you feel about the four abortions you helped her get? Didn’t it bother you?

DAD: She had control over me. She was much younger & dominating, a bully – psychopath. I did as I was told when it came to emotions, I couldn’t control her. I feared losing her, I feared the scandal of divorce. I feared not getting another wife. And final reason, not sure if you could call it True Love, but I was attached to her.

I told you that one of the aborted children was mine. That one we should have kept. Why no condoms? No one used them in my day. How did I feel about the abortions? It was a necessary evil.

ME: Did you have any idea that I suffered from PTSD from what you did to me – abandoning me – & it affected all my relationships with men – for the worse? Each time I’d fall in love I had such anxiety that I chased the man mercilessly, which drove them away, & so, all the relationships that might have been good, like the one with James Brown, who I loved so much & he liked me – turned sour. Did you know your actions ruined my love life?

DAD: No, I had no idea. I didn’t know much about psychology. At the time you pleaded for me to take you I was so absorbed in my own pain, of having been cuckolded & finally rejected, I felt so sorry for myself that I had no emotion left for you. Sorry about that.

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ME: When you visited at the farm you were doing a lot of work, agricultural & such, like taking the lingonberry bushes, separating them, replanting them so more would grow. You did lots of work, you talked about starting a Lithuanian Boy Scout camp there. How long did you entertain the thought of moving in with us, when did the dreams shatter, why did you never move in, what happened?

DAD: She lied to me for about two years, that I should arrive there until she finally told me the truth, that she didn’t want me around any more. It really hurt. She lied for money, she feared I would give less if she said we were through, & she was right. She paid for her sins. She suffered, she worked hard, & in her frustration & pain, she let it all out on you. Now that I see it from your mind, it was like all the forces of Hell were unleashed on you. She’d not rest until every person under her influence hated & disrespected you – you did not deserve this. The hate lives on in other members of the family. It’s ugly.

ME: Shall I recall your mind to when I visited you in Purgatory, & it was bilocation, an experience that I never had before or after. I was the only one that visited you. Instead of telling me how sorry you were for abandoning me – which was what I hoped to hear, after I asked you if anyone else visited you, you said,

“Who needs them?”

Then I said, were you sorry for anything in your life, you said yes, that you should have received The Blessed Sacrament more often. Indeed, I don’t think you went to Church any more after you split with Mom & we left the Annunciation Church, etc. There was a Church right by where you lived in B’klyn also I think called Annunciation, a Lithuanian Church – you could have found fellowship. I used to go there every day. Why did you not go?

And second, I didn’t mean much to you, did I? That in my visit to Purgatory, you said nothing about me or us.

DAD: I was a fool. Going to Church was as much a social event as anything – I was not devoted. So don’t feel bad about my not loving you enough – I didn’t love God enough, so how could I love you? You loved God & me much more than I did you & God. I was a little soul, not a Great Soul. You saw me in Heaven & smiled. You had to bend down to greet me, I was like 3′ tall, you were 6′ like Joan of Arc. Haha. But I was not evil like your Mother, I cannot explain my lack of greatness as a Saint, I just didn’t have it.

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ME: I worshiped you as if you were a saint & the greatest love of my life, & you broke my heart. I cannot describe the anguish I felt at the age of 10. My life was over. I even temporarily lost my faith in God, I told my friends, ‘I’m not sure any more if there is a God.’ Of course, my faith returned. But I vowed I would never draw again, & over the years I lost the skill {not the talent – the talent went in other directions, like dancing & photography.}

ME: Now that you’re in Heaven, you must be so much wiser. What do you think on how my life turned out in spite of all the obstacles?

DAD: Brilliantly. I had a great daughter & I was loving & helpful to you until age 10, {later in life I did help also, when you were 16 for a year, & when you were 27 & moved back in with me.} I was responsible for much good that came to your life. I gave you my brains, a good constitution, good religious training, a good example & I told you to study. You were obedient, you studied constantly & it bore much fruit. I’m sorry for the abuse you took, the hate, the evil, the lack of love & recognition. But some day soon, even before you die, mighty things will happen, good things that will recompense you for some of the bad. And after you die, there is great Bliss awaiting you & you will do great good. People will believe in you & pray to you & answers will be given, miracles will happen. You have a great reward.

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ME: Thanks for those kind words Dad, they are appreciated. One last thing. Mom is there in a little house in Heaven, with Jimmy at her side. What is her Heavenly status compared to yours? You are 3′ tall, a little saint. What is she? And also, what is your status as far as Comprehension of God, how much Joy do you have? Also, what would have happened to Mom had I not offered to pay for her sins?

DAD: Her status compared to mine is very small. You cannot call her a saint, but she is a resident of Heaven & Jimmy is the same, just residents, they have no status – although as you know, everyone in Heaven is happy & they are, but compared to the Light you are in, as you once saw, they are in a dim light.

How much Joy do I have? Great joy, & I will greet you when you arrive & give you the Love I should have on earth.

What would have happened to Mom had you not intervened? I’m afraid she would have been lost, so thank God she made it & we both rejoice over that.

ME: Thanks Dad, & thank you for all the good you did me on earth, I am grateful for it. I love you. Amen.

end Chapter 5
………………………………………………………………………. 1-22-21


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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized







When I think back to Rev. Judy & my time with her it seems so funny – some parts of Monster Mom seem funny too. But at the time, it wasn’t. I was struggling for survival, on all levels. I think we humans look for an ANCHOR & lighthouse, something stable & secure – whatever, whoever it is. For a while Putz & his ways gave me a spot – a remarkable diet, the self mastery he preached – things I strived for.

Now I had something better – a woman of God, albeit flawed, I wanted to be like her but without the flaws. I asked her how long it would take to learn ‘all she knew’ {the spiritual issues} & she said six years. I did not plan it that way, but it so happened I ‘stayed’ with her six years {not physically, I never spent more than a few days with her between jobs, except for that few weeks in the beginning.


I shall channel & ask her, Judy, why did you not want me to stay & help you build the Church, why did you prefer my being away & used me just for money – supposedly for the Church but you wasn’t – Wasn’t the Church more important than money?…..

REV. JUDY: My mind was on money. I felt, somehow, the Church would build itself. I wasn’t intelligent enough to figure it out, that it would not build itself, that brick & mortar had to be put into place piece by piece, job by job. You had the right idea with the newspaper, it would have been a base. See, you eventually did build a Church, on the internet, & your Mission was built, piece by piece, action by action, project by project, book by book. I was your beginning, I was important, you did things for me, but they turned out for yourself. Like you preached about me on the stage, which turned into Stripping for God. By doing things for me, you were rewarded, by doing things for God, like the sacrifice of celibacy, you were rewarded. I could not figure these things out for myself, but you did. Had you stayed with me after the six years, had I treated you with respect & also had I lived, you would have built a Church for me, but you built it anyway. Instead of ‘One World Light’ it became ‘Woman, Thou Art God.’ {end of channeling}

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As I said, she wanted me to work instead of staying with her for the Church. I was paranoid about getting jobs in the LA area because Putz might find me. I didn’t even want to use my name. So I found an agent who would get me work in God-knows-where, under a different name – where I wasn’t even the star – slim pickins.

He got me a gig in OXNARD, up north from LA, like two hours. I went through it, stopped somewhere to eat – it was CREEPY, weird people stared at me like I was an alien – although I did love being by the ocean. The little town, where I was, seemed industrial & filthy, like old ugly fishing boats.

This place was a slut-hole. I didn’t know it at first, but I found out. It was affiliated with the motel the club was in, run by a British man & his obese daughter who was the motel maid. I was given a room & $200 a week – rock bottom pay for a dancer, most women who took jobs for this amount turned tricks on the side. The money I had been making when they advertised me as a dancer {it was go go dancing, not stripping yet} paid me between $300 to $400 a week plus tips – that’s when they used my title of ‘Ms. Nude Universe from Playboy’ – which brought in clients. When I gave up my name & title I was just a ‘nobody’ – it doesn’t matter how good I looked – it’s the name that brings in the people. As I said, ‘house girls’ make little money but some of them turn tricks. Stardom is an important quality to have.

I lasted only one week in this dump – I got fired for not being a slut. Being a ‘whore’ means you hang with the men between shows, play pool with them, they buy you drinks – some of them know you’ll let them come to your room at night – it makes you valuable.

But I stayed in the dressing room between shows, absolutely refused to hang with the guys {I was always like that, I’m not a party girl – I’m a performer, I like being on stage, look at me & leave me alone. One of the regular stars in NYC, I recall her saying to a boss ‘Kellie is a THEATER ACT’. She was right the ballyhoo in clubs didn’t appeal to me.}

I was beautiful, my outfits were classy, I danced well. But at the end of the week the owner rudely told me to ‘get out & hurry up because my daughter has to clean your room’ – no reason was given. But of course I put 2 & 2 together – a female who hung with guys between shows & in her room at night {I saw it through my window} got my spot. So some of these places want whores, not beautiful women, not class, whoring has value.


I do not look down on ‘whores’ & use the word not as an insult but an accurate description. Everyone knows what the term means – acting a certain way to keep men around you, get money out of them. Whores are entertainers & therapists – they don’t get enough respect or recognition. I fought for prostitutes on national radio shows & TV – ‘Prostitutes are people’ I said & prostitution must be decriminalized. I did this without recompense, to empower women, & of course, got beat up for it. {This came out of a group of adult trade workers & others who were concerned about the rights of women. There was a judge in it, so was Kate Millet. But when it came time to REPRESENT, go on out there & take the blows before the media – no one but I would do it.}

Now at some point I recall Rev. Judy & I going to an agent to get me different jobs – again – without using my name, anonymous, so it means rock-bottom salary. This agent got me a job, with Judy being my ‘manager’ {her term} WORSE than Oxnard! Judy was a bad manager, this job was in Vegas, way off the strip, the cheap part of town, & it also paid $200 but WITH NO ROOM & the motel they recommended cost $50 a week – So I earned only $150 per week. This was poverty & the good Rev. also wanted money out of this!

I HATED this place. We had to pretend we were amateurs. It had a show with an MC. Every night he declared an amateur contest, for women to get up out of the audience to dance & the audience would clap for the winner. That was our job. We wore ordinary street clothes. I never won. One female, that was friends with the owners it seemed, always won. This hurt my ego – I didn’t imagine it was rigged – the owners either having a hidden applause machine or telling everyone that worked there to clap for her – I just thought they liked her the best.

Rev. Judy had come out to visit me & I complained to her I never won. She asked everyone sitting around her to clap for me & they did – I finally made it. But the MC said something strange – he said to the audience,

“Are you sure?”

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The usual winner got off the stage as if slapped. This is unusual & in retrospect I think it was rigged – why would the MC care who won? Why would she be so shocked when for the first & only time, she didn’t win?

It all sounds so stupid, but when you’re 25 years old & fighting to be ‘somebody’ in your business, it has meaning.

OK I got fired after a week – they did me a favor. I think they turned against me for one remark. The MC was standing near me talking to the owner & said

“You know, women are like CATS.”

I laughed & said

“And men are like DOGS.”

That was a no no, because we are supposed to be compliant, submissive to these hot shots, & so, I was history. Not to mention, this was the main reason I didn’t fit in – most of the ‘amateurs’ turned tricks. So basically, another whore house.

Believe me, it’s not the STARS who suffer the most, it’s the house girls & underlings who have to put out to owners, managers & prostitute to make ends meet. It was time for me to regain my name & claim my fame but I got screwed one more time before I landed on my feet.

The agent got me a job on the ‘Baker-Berger’ circuit, which was like six or so states from mid-America to New York – where it ended at the Roxy Theater on 42nd St. – their flagship so to speak. It was like Judy Garland’s ‘at the Palace.’

Rev. Judy told this agent I’d work for $300. a week, which was wrong. I found out later from a theater owner, who told me the stars {on this circuit} were paid $600 weekly, he was wondering why I didn’t get $1,000 weekly because I had a real title – Ms Nude Universe, & had been in Playboy.


Rev. Judy was responsible for this. She was thinking of the pay from 1945 when she was a ‘star’ & they always gave room & board – except they DIDN’T. I had to scrounge around looking for the cheapest room I could find.
{How well I remember. Strange city somewhere, forgot where. I go to a hotel & ask how much. The man says $50 – he looked disappointed when I thought it too much. I go down the street, find one for $30 a week. And I LOVED the quaint little room. Understand, one reason I had to save money is sending some to Rev. Judy.}

I became best friends with my co-star, a black female – I remember her with great affection. She was being paid only $200 weekly & also had to pay for her room – she sent part of that money religiously to Mom every week – for the care of her daughter. If I had trouble how did she survive? On sardines.

Back to Rev. Judy. This incident was especially humiliating. She & I were at a bus stop way out of town, doing the cheap route to get back to my job. I was wearing shorts & in the desert – I should have known – when evening falls it gets REAL COLD, like drops from 80 to 55, & there I was in shorts & a tank top, shaking. Now she tells me to STAND UP. I did not want to stand up for two reasons, I would be colder when the wind hit me, & people would stare at me, as usual.

She was so mad at me, that she not only stood up, but began jogging down the road. It wasn’t too hard as it was slightly down hill – I shall never forget her with her fringed cowboy dress in blue & green paisley designs, clinging to her, jogging down hill away from me, on her temper tantrum. I knew I’d be punished later.

In a few minutes these guys came by who recognized me & stopped. They asked if I needed a ride, & I said much obliged, got in, & said please stop for this lady down the street, my friend, & take us back to my motel.

Back at the motel was my punishment. How dare I disobey THE QUEEN. She said she KNEW someone would come by & offer us a ride – that’s why she wanted me to stand up. Now for my disobedience I had to kneel in front of her, ask forgiveness & pay a FINE OF $20. Feed her ego & greed.

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Forgot to tell this anecdote which happened when we stayed in Hollywood. It’s along the same lines – her ego.

She had told me there were two colors of royalty – red & purple. She said the purple was EVEN HIGHER in terms of status than the red.

Some tenants had bought a house in Vegas {we would meet them} & left behind stuff – whatever was left Judy could keep. She told me to go in there & get the bathroom rugs – there were two sets – the kind that fits over the toilet & around it, launder them & set them in our bathrooms. {She had moved to a larger apt since I appeared, it had two baths, she was telling me she made a sacrifice to let me stay there – she could be renting that room for money!} I went in the place, noticed one set was red, the other purple, got’m laundered, & put the purple one in her bath, since it was the higher status, & the red in mine.

She comes into the place & sees the rugs & begins to scream FOR A LONG TIME,

“You have put the higher status – the red – into your bath & the lower status, the purple, into mine! YOU THINK YOU’RE THE QUEEN!”

I protested she’d told me it was the other way around, & changed the rugs.

Now in Vegas she moved into my little room right away, {she slept in the bed, me on the floor} but told me,

“I don’t have to stay with you! I have friends {the folks that were in her building} who got a house here in Vegas & they told me I was welcome there any time! We’ll go pay them a visit, & I’ll stay with them.”

I thought to myself what if they were just saying that & didn’t mean it? You know how when people move they automatically tell you you’re welcome there any time, but it’s just being polite? But what did I know? Maybe they did mean it. So we went to their house.

It was a pretty little house. I bragged to them how I saw a slot machine right at the front of a coffee shop, something told me to put in a buck – I did – & three bucks came out! This event pleased me greatly & I smiled as I told it.

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But Judy took issue with it. She declared,

“It was my Light that made that happen, not your good luck!”

The way she said it, it hurt. The couple seemed to notice also.

At the end of the visit, the man of the couple said to Judy,

“I’m sorry Judy, but you can’t stay here, our cousins are coming from out of town tomorrow.”

Just as I thought, they were being polite when they offered. No one wanted her because she was OBNOXIOUS. And she would preach constantly to people who didn’t want to hear it, not about Jesus or theology, but about her, her abilities & ideas for a Church.

Before I left to go on the Circuit, she asked me for my last $20. What did I have left? She was so wrong. You would think she’d give me $20 & say,

“Hey Kellie, this is extra for some emergency, you never know what happens on the road. I will pray for your protection.”

But instead,


It was right after I had found out that all she cared about was her sons – the land I was paying for was for them. I packed up & went to a motel, as explained.

I was walking up the street from Ms Etienne’s ballet class, back to my motel, when a feeling of doom came over me.
Just then a car stopped, & a tiny girl from the dance school – no more than five years old – stopped with her Dad & asked me if I wanted a ride. Since that feeling of doom had just pervaded me, I didn’t know what it was from, if it might be this ride, so I said no. But that ride would have prevented – maybe – what was to come, it was sent by an angel.

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When I was near my hotel there was a pizza place near it. I went in & had a bite. As I was leaving, I climbed to my room on the second floor, & a black young male who had been looking at me at the restaurant was standing there. As I went by he said something to try to pick me up, I ignored him. When I got to my room he opened the door & pushed it & me in, a struggle ensued.

He had some sort of knife. as we fought I grabbed it & bent it, it was a letter opener I realized later – but he could have stabbed me with it. We knocked over some of the furniture in the room until at last people heard the fight & some of them were standing outside the door, which was still open. I was holding the guy, saying,

“Hey, he attacked me, call the police. Not one person moved, nothing, the guy just walked away.”

Had I not been athletic he could have hurt me – even with the paper cutter – he could have raped & even killed me, but God saved me.

That was not the end. I went to the motel owner, told him about it, that I was leaving & wanted a refund for the rest of the week. He refused me the refund but said he’d put me in his other motel, I’d be safe.

I should have swallowed the money & gone elsewhere, but I was poor. I checked into his other motel. The boy, who was stalking me, saw me go there.

He didn’t know my room number, fortunately, but he knew my name – not sure how he found it out – & called me on the phone. He said he was going to rape & kill me & didn’t care in which order. If he had to kill me first, he would still rape me.

I called the police & they said they would trace the call, but it would take time. In those days, it was difficult to trace a call, this was late 1971 or early 1972.

So they said when he called again, call them, which he did, I did. They told me each time he calls, keep him on the phone as long as possible. He called, again & again & again. He said he had a partner circling the motel, walking around it, to discover my room. It was a two story deal. I figured he was lying, but when I looked out the bathroom window, there was a black guy walking by. Was it true then? It was uncomfortable, as I could not leave the motel.

This talking to him, him threatening me, went on for hours while the police kept trying to trace. Finally, I was exasperated & remembered the detective who visited me after the first altercation.

I called him & told him what was going on, & asked him to come get me, as a personal favor, & take me to the airport, & I added BRING YOUR GUN.

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He sure did come & brought his gun, I escaped. But on our way to the airport, he made a stop at his apartment. I planned to wait. But he said I should come in, I refused. He argued a long time, finally took me to the airport. So I escaped Los Angeles forever, & the only time I returned was to do the Tom Snyder Show.

Oh yes. After the first altercation I called Rev to tell her what happened, – I had not spoken with her since leaving like a week before. She didn’t say much, but sounded smug & satisfied. I knew it was her.


I can’t remember why I reconciled with the Rev, but I did, I think I forgave her or thought maybe she didn’t do it, I still need to get more Light from God.

We were talking once a month for that $100 donation, she was still going to my financed trips to Vegas {always on the edge of hitting the jackpot!} when she told me,

“The Light tells me there is going to be some kind of movie ABOUT US coming up.”

But soon after that, I can’t recall why – maybe those trips to Vegas got on my nerves, I quit Rev. Swaggart again. Just told her on the phone I was through, no more money.

Now I had quit dancing in order to work as a Community Organizer for the Italian American civil Rights League, Chapter 23. My salary was paid for by the state, it was enough to survive – was it $16,000. a year? I vaguely recall taking home about $250. a week. I was making $30K a year dancing, so it was a sacrifice, but a friend talked me into it {he was infatuated – he ran the local paper – it was he who made them hire me – they weren’t going to – he told them if they didn’t he would throw their press releases into the garbage can.}

In relation to this job, I helped organize the youth to apply for summer jobs from the state. I did the promotion – they lined up at our office & I got a pizza place to give free snacks. I called the Daily News & they came, showed me standing there with the kids, talked about how they were feted by the pizza shop, & I worked at the Italian American & also my own Church, One World Light.

I thought it was an idea to put my personal phone number in the book under the name ‘One World Light’ in case someone wanted to call the Church, & so, I got a phone call.

It was a guy who said he was a cameraman & worked for local TV, he wanted to do a documentary on the Church work – I immediately thought maybe this was the movie Rev Swaggart predicted, I should give it a shot.

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He was a 6’3″ black man, about 30, attractive but with shifty eyes. When he came over to make our plans, I always had kids around me, since I worked days & evenings. I had begun to minister two years ago by opening my apt as a Sunday Church. It was a hard thing to do – One day I got so sick I thought I might die, I could hardly walk, & promised God, if She would cure me, I’d open up my place as a Church. I got well the next day. I opened the Church.

A few people came, including teens – & eventually, this Church turned into a center for bible study & prayer, for boys & girls. They were the ‘poorest of the poor’ – most of the area on welfare, it was Williamsburg before it became fashionable, 95% Puerto Rican, all the whites moved out except me.

So there were always kids around when this man, whom I shall call Stevun Evul, visited for discussions. The kids hated him, they ridiculed his pointed shoes.

There was a red flag. One day after one of these chaperoned meetings, he came back & rang the bell incessantly {after that I disengaged the bell} yelling he had forgot his car keys in the apt. He came back because he hoped I was alone {men had done that before} – which I was except for my daughter, then seven. Finally, reluctantly I let him in, not sure if he was telling the truth. He entered, looked around – saw my daughter in the room, pretended to search for keys, & left.

That was a warning from God – we usually get warnings – but I did not heed it & why? The kids sensed he was evil, I sensed he wanted my body – but then all men did – nothing new there.

After several discussions he said I always had people around when we met. If I did not trust him he could not go on with the project. Now in my normal state of mind, I probably would have said sorry, then it’s over, but you see my guard was down & also Swaggart said she saw a movie being done on us, so I was clouded.

 I said, OK, next time you come, it’s just us. We’ll go to the movies, then we come back here & talk. Looking back I believe I was a total IDIOT but that’s the day after the game when we know how it should have been played.

Before I go on I must explain that I had got so exhausted from running my youth center, I searched for a place to play basketball after work. I had ‘volunteer burn out’ & at age 29 looked 50 – someone said, ‘if you don’t stop, you’ll die.’

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I discovered a place with several basketball courts & there I often went, spent most of the weekend there, from the time I got up to dark. I got to know one male who really liked me. His name was Tad, 28 years old & 6’4″. After our games I treated us to dinners. He visited my prayer meetings.

Now Stevun Evul comes for our first date alone, & we walk to the local theater, movie finished, we walk toward my place. Tad sees us, & he later explained,

“I heard a voice say to me

Now we get to my place & Evul wants to dance. I put on some music & oblige him. Suddenly he picks me up – it took me by surprise – & plops me down on the couch. Stunned I know what’s going to happen next & what do I do? I say what has gotten me out of scrapes before, that I have to go to the bathroom. My bath was right by the door – I plan my escape.

I go there & lock the hook latch – not a big protection, & pretend I’m busy in there. I look at my face & it is white. He was standing in that room, the kitchen, & I am in the bath – I cannot run until he leaves the kitchen. I finally hear him in the living room changing the record.

I DASH to the door, open it, & someone standing there ready to knock – it’s TAD!

Tad comes in & sits down at the kitchen table, & I with him. The would-be rapist comes in, looks at Tad & says,

“Don’t try anything”

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And then he slaps me with all his might across my face & leaves.

That night I had a dream. There were many young people – my prayer group, standing outside the door, in the hall, heads down, weeping. God said to me,

“If that man had succeeded in raping you he would have also killed you… the kids were mourning your death.”

For the second time, God had saved me from the curse of Rev. Swaggart. It is mind boggling that just for ego & money, she wanted to do this to me. I shall channel her again,

ME: Rev. Judy, was my life worth that little to you that you would want me dead, to revenge on me? It seems so extreme. I know I asked you before, but I am still baffled.

REV. JUDY: I’m sorry about it. I was a fool. It was wrong, I paid for my sins & God dis-empowered me afer that. I suffered in Purgatory & all my claims of glory were dashed. I told you I would go straight to Heaven like a blazing Light but you saw me in Purgatory, in a cluttered house of poverty, & I was there for two years, seven months. I am grateful that God saved you from my curses & very sorry I put them. Forgive this fool.

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ME: What were you angry about the most, the devotion I stopped or the money?

REV. JUDY: It was everything. How dare you stand up to me? I was the Goddess. You cannot leave me. It was the rejection I felt, first, you worshiped me, gave me more than anyone had ever given me, then you said good bye. I was so blind I didn’t see it was my own behavior that pushed you away. I was a weak person & an ego maniac. Ego maniacs don’t think much of themselves, they need to be puffed up. Your devotion did that, but then I was deflated. I felt so insignificant, the curses on you – if they worked – would prove I was stronger than you.

ME: As a parting shot, share with me what you told me happened to Putz NutOn after my departure.

REV. JUDY: He organized another one of those pin-in-the palm stunts for some group, at the Knickerbocker Hotel. But when he put in the pin, he started bleeding profusely. He screamed, tore off his turban, & jumped out the window. I assume this must have been on the first floor?

ME: Thanks for the laugh & enjoy your Eternity.


I met a female psychic who really liked me. Her name was Angela Astone, just like an angel. I spoke with her about the Rev & she said she would help spiritually, for my protection. She did. I wrote a letter of resignation to Rev & ended it finally, in 1977. She called but when I heard her voice I hung up & that was it. Her curses, if any, no longer worked.

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College of God & Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Rev Bitch Admits Truth



Continuation of Chapter 4


Rev Judy was in the choir for Kathryn Kuhlman. Her talent as a girl was voice, she demonstrated it a couple times, she still had some ability but never ‘made it.’ Your guess is as good as mine why, all I know she was offered a job on Roosevelt’s Presidential Yacht & her family nixed it, then she lived with movie star Barbara Nichols, who Judy said ‘was a prostitute.’ she hated Babs because when she was washing her underwear in the kitchen sink, Babs told her to take it to the bathroom.

Now she told me that SHE WAS THE REAL HEALER in the Kuhlman Crusade – that KK took the healing power from her, Judy, & used it, but Judy was the unsung hero. This I was puzzled about, it was the beginning of our friendship when I strongly believed in her & did not take her words with a block of salt.

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But here’s where I really knew she was off the wall. She said that Jesus DID NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH, He died young when He was not ‘fully developed spiritually’, & she, Judy, was older than Jesus & MORE EVOLVED. She put herself greater than Jesus, this spiritual failure who couldn’t even begin to build a church with help – what a preposterous woman!
She didn’t LISTEN to Jesus although she HEARD HIM. She told me Jesus said to her,
“Why are you so HATEFUL to Kellie? She’s going to BE A SAINT.”
And her answer was,
“If I don’t do as I do to her now, she won’t be a saint.”
So she defied Jesus instead of humbling herself.


One thing she had in common with the Putz, she used false flattery. When it was time to give me a touch, she wanted a trip to Vegas or whatever, she told me I was the ‘Princess of God.” When the told me about the land I should keep paying for -{it was West}, she told me
“Think of all the handsome cowboys who’ll want you.”
But when she wasn’t trying to get money out of me, she called me, ‘just a farmer’ & ‘you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground.’

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She would constantly praise other people – dancers, my contemporaries, but not praise me. It was a lot of indirect put downs, the way con artists do to have control. ‘You’re no good, you’re inferior, so you need me.’

In that regard, probably the WORST THING she did to me was SILENCE MY VOICE. I told you I had broken through to the still, small Voice within me, my God Self, which I consulted every day. She wanted no competition, so she said again & again,

“It’s better you listen to me than your Voice, because you are not as evolved,” {neither was Our Lord according to her} etc.

She browbeat me into believing it. Was it her, or my Voice? Finally I humbled myself & decided to listen to her {bad choice, never give up your inner voice, it will protect you, whereas with Judy & any other person, they’re looking FOR THEIR OWN INTERESTS}……..I then heard a Creaking Iron Door closing – an ominous sign – & my Inner Voice said,
“I have to go if you listen to her.”

And no matter how hard I tried to get that Voice, so clear like a bell, to speak to me again like that, it never happened, not my entire life.

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I said she was OBNOXIOUS. One of the most annoying traits of any human is the ‘know it all.’ I was then a fruitarian & also not officially, but celibate because my mind was only on God & development, not guys. She put great effort into changing me.

First the diet. ‘You must be normal, eat normal’ she said a thousand times. The diet is extremely hard to keep – any dissention toward it puts one in danger of quitting, & after a few months of bullying me she won.

Second, the celibacy. she tried to fix me up with guys she knew. They were revolting. Never try to fix people up because with dates & clothes, people have personal tastes you cannot figure. Just leave them alone. She wangled this way & that for me to meet young men – all ugly or revolting or no sex appeal by my standards, so at least she failed in that regard.

This is how wrong she was. When a person seeks God, they are young, one of the biggest obstacles – to both male & female – is their interest in sex & intimacy with another person. Your pursuit is intimacy with God & ‘God is a jealous God,’ ‘Thou shalt put no strange Gods before you,’ & ‘Put first the Kingdom of God.’

It isn’t only men, we understand their primitive drive overwhelms them, but women, although they are not just sex-centered, they are boy or man centered, & that does take away the focus from God. And so, instead of congratulating me that my mind was on God, that I disciplined myself in diet, that my sex / intimacy drive was on hold, she tried to push me into ‘normalcy.’ Normal people don’t find God, they do not become saints, they are on the ‘Broad Highway to Hell’ & that’s where she pushed me – the same road she was on. OK, she wasn’t bent for Hell, but Purgatory yes, & I will explain that later.

MITZI GAYNOR’S TEACHER: Now at that time I took dancing lessons, private coaching, from an old ballerina named Kathryn Etienne, who had been Mitzi Gaynor’s teacher. She gave me lessons & choreography, she figured the steps for Manuel DeFalla’s, ‘Ritual Fire Dance,’ which I performed to the end of my career. If I think about it I could recall the steps.

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Now Judy walks in one day at the start of my lesson & BEGINS TO TELL THE TEACHER HOW TO TEACH ME. Ms. Etienne looks at her, & neither one of us had to say a word – the vibes she got took the wind out of her sails & she left with her tail between her legs.

She bossed me around mercilessly. She knew I was vulnerable, she knew I was virtuous. Her phrase for that was ‘Kellie, YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOUR CHIN OUT.” 

And the time we’re sitting in a restaurant & discuss Joan Fontaine & Olivia DeHavilland.  I told her they were sisters, she said no, & she argued until she was blue in the face.


I have now given enough anecdotes for a while so I will CHANNEL Rev. Bitch, see what she has to say. As with all my characters, I have channeled them on & off lately, so I can anticipate some answers, some might be new. So let’s begin with this:

ME: Rev. Judy, why were you so mean to me & only nice when you wanted favors? You were a woman of God, shouldn’t you know better?

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REV. JUDY: Haha, sure, I was a woman of God, but there are women & there are women. I wasn’t St. Gertrude the Great, your idol. I was just a normal, natural woman with foibles, vices & sins, you saw my natural self. Yes, I was Anointed, yes I could do some Faith Healing & Channeling, when I was in that element, that was my most admirable. But the other side of me was no saint, I had a barrel of faults.

ME: So you admit you had sins, faults, & you were hateful to me & hurt me?

REV. JUDY: I admit I targeted you for my petty wants & needs. You were vulnerable, you did not fight back, so I could let it out on you with impunity. Yes, I was wrong, yes, you were a good soul, a good heart, who suffered cruelty.

ME: That is understood. But there was something you did that was so heinous I don’t know how you can excuse it. When I left you the two times you put DEATH CURSES ON ME. How evil is that? First, did you put death curses on me as I suspected?

REV. JUDY: Of course I did, I wanted both times to teach you a lesson. I was enraged that someone who was that devoted, who gave me that much money & respect, could just leave me flat. I wanted to show you my power.

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ME: But what if these men had killed me? What good would that have done you? I could not go back to you & give you money or respect again. Did you deserve respect? I mean, you used your God power for evil.

REV. JUDY: I admit I was wrong – totally wrong. I admit my human nature got the better of me. I paid for my sins on earth & in Purgatory. You didn’t know this, but after you left, after I tried to kill you the second time, my health went downhill & not only that I LOST THE USE OF MY SPIRITUAL POWER.

ME: No, I did not know that. This is the first time I hear it. I guess your heart got worse? And what was the reason you lost the spiritual ability?

REV. JUDY: It was like my life was over when you left. You were my best disciple, most devoted, most generous. I knew it was not likely I would find another like you again, I was discouraged – & I did not deserve you – I treated you badly, so I had no one to blame but myself.

ME: But your Gifts, could you not go on with your Healing Gift, wasn’t that the most important thing?

REV. JUDY: You saw what I was like. Before you came along, I had had disciples but they were either selfish, or at best, lukewarm. I told you about Truth Seeker {a female, a nice girl} – we lived together. At the end of the week, when we would buy the groceries, she made sure that every penny went 50 – 50, she never gave me more than my share. She gave me a little money for lessons, as did everyone else, $10. per lesson. But to get a Church, movement or Mission going, you need a HUGE following or a HUGE devotion from a person – which I had with you. You went way out of your way to promote me against all odds, you got that add in the paper about me, which you paid a lot for, you spoke of me on the stage {which got Stripping for God started} & you spoke of me on TV shows, including the hit how, ‘Real People.’

But because of my treatment of you, including the death curses, you left me, so it was all over. I knew there would never be another like you. Putting death curses on you was like Jesus putting death curses on Peter – then he loses his first Pope – no Pope, no Organization, no nothing.

ME: I never saw it that way before, good thing I asked. So you are saying you no longer had Healing Power or what?

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REV. JUDY: It wasn’t that the Healing Power & Channeling were gone, {as you know God never ‘repents a Gift’ but I lost the will to use them. I was depressed & sick. I knew nothing would happen any more – my chance for the spiritual big time was over. I did not have enough Virtue, Love & Zeal. As you said, I was lazy {compared to you} I had less Love than you, I was not obedient to God – {look how I disobeyed Jesus, who told me to stop being hateful to you.}

ME: Yes, you for a while controlled me with fear, which is sad, which is wrong. I had to go my own way. But then, on your death bed, you came to me. The room filled with Great White Light. I heard a Voice out of the Light saying,

“Promise me you will help humanity”

The voice repeated this several times until I promised. I didn’t know who or what this came from.

Then a few days later I got a letter from Truth Seeker saying you had died & as you were expiring told her to write me immediately, let me know. So that was you.

I surmised you had left me your mantle, the Anointing, is that true? And why did you leave it to me?

REV. JUDY: You were the only one who could carry it. How could the selfish & lukewarm do anything for God? A Mantle goes to the disciple who proves themselves worthy. You were the only one that could do justice to this Anointing. I needed your FIAT or agreement, ‘be it done to me according to thy word,’ in other words,

“Here I am, here is the Power of God I have. Promise me you will use it to help humanity”,
& you promised.

ME: OK thanks lots Rev. Judy, I still have more to say about this relationship, like some of the things I did, the time in Vegas, the two death curses & how they played out, & also your disclosures to me of what happened to Putz after I left him, to be continued.

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College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized



Saint Padre Pio had the Visible Wounds for 50 years


Purgatory Ascensions – 5-6 Women Ascend – 1-20-21



Saint Gertrude the Great had the Interior Divine Stigmata & was the ‘Herald of Divine Love’


Can’t recall where I was but somehow women began to emerge – Women I’d been hobnobbing with. The first wore the most beautiful thick light beige fur coat, full, beautiful. I kept touching it, admiring it, asking her if it was ‘real’ hoping it wasn’t because it felt somewhat like seal. {We don’t want baby seals clubbed on the head, we don’t want minks, ferrets & muskrats being skinned alive}. Eventually I decided it was not a real seal, so it was good.

Then another woman emerges with another fur coat & it’s the exact same color but different texture, & others emerge as well, all in those thick beautiful fur coats. I think is there some kind of fad going on, one gets a coat like that & the others imitate?

*(MEANING: This sounds like Souls in Purgatory getting their ASCENSION ROBES or MANTLES MADE OF LIGHT. The thick fur is equivalent to FEATHERS {fur & feathers are made of the same material, like nails & hoofs} – And the color beige is a sort of LIGHT GOLD which means LOVE.

CLOTHING is often a symbol of the LIGHT that emerges from Souls that they ASCEND WITH.


Jesus’ BODY & BLOOD gets souls out of Purgatory – Offer up or say the Holy Mass

For a while I quit saying Holy Masses as I wasn’t getting any dreams about Souls – I felt discouraged. But then the last two days I had dreams about them being impoverished, needy, asking for help. One Soul came to my door, I tried to CLOSE IT but he pushed & I realized I knew him – let him in. Then looking at my front yard I saw HE HAD BROUGHT ABOUT 20 PEOPLE all sitting in a circle – all impoverished, hungry, needing my help! These were SOULS. Somehow one enterprising person got into my mind & showed me others, that I must help!

In the dream of yesterday I saw about a dozen people on a high tower, like 12 floors in the air – there was SMOKE, they screamed & screamed for someone below to save them, apparently the stairs or elevator were not accessible. Then somehow a FIRE ESCAPE appeared & I saw them climbing down.

These were Souls in the fires of Purgatory – fires represent great pain. Someone creating a FIRE ESCAPE was me saying the Holy Mass, & it alleviated their pain or got them out of dire straits.

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This of course reassures me how important that little 5 minute Holy Mass is – & I also say like 10 minutes of comprehensive prayers that include Souls. The important thing is that my mind is concentrating on them & I have Love in my heart when I do these things.)*


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John Alexander Dowie was a Protestant, But He Believed in Purgatory.  One day he TOOK ME THERE.

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Greedier than Greedy Chapter 4


Chapter 4   Rev Judy Swaggart


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As you can see, or guess, I’ve given my characters theatrical names according to who they were to me. And so, to have a name like this means she was of God but flawed or tainted. Yes, she had a faith healing & ‘channeling’ Power. God gave her it, I wanted these Gifts, so I felt like this,

“OK, she is not without fault. But she has something I want. How do I get it? By being a loyal, devoted disciple, by supporting her, doing what she wants & needs, & then I’ll learn & grow.”

I felt that if I JUDGED her – that is, considered her UNWORTHY in some way, it was my human perception, not that of God, God had OVERLOOKED whatever was wrong & gave her Spiritual Gifts, & I had to do the same – or else I would be saying God was wrong!

Yes, by human standards, not only to me but others, Judy was OBNOXIOUS. Here are some of her faults I had to tolerate:

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PETTY THIEF: {Stole items like tissue holders, silverware, from the diners she worked in. Stole towels from the motel we stayed at together in Vegas – told me ‘they expected people to do this.’ I was outraged as I was paying for that room, they would have blamed me. And later, as usual, she projected onto me her own sin, she made this strange statement,

“I think you have memory lapses. You pick up things like from restaurants & you forget you did it.”

What a bunch of crap! Reminds me when my Mom stole her boyfriend’s charge card & said I did it! {She tried to make me sign it – it was Steinbeck’s in Trenton, New Jersey – but I refused.} I was not with him with his pants down – you were, Mom!

So Judy’s other fault I would call her:

FALSE ACCUSER: Besides the petty thievery, she accused me of making her heart act up, putting some kind of curse on her {what nonsense, her heart was bad, always looking for someone to blame, I did nothing whatsoever to harm her. I never gave her any stress – she gave me stress.}

EGO MANIACAL: When we walked down the street together, she said the men trailing or stalking us by car were LOOKING AT HER because she emanated power, haha. She was a woman about 55, dumpy, five foot nothing. You know what I looked like when I was young, so need I say more?

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Second, an example of her delusional ‘Queenhood’. She said again & again, she was the ‘Queen of Love’ – her heart was the Heart of Hearts, it was pure, golden, great. Now we are at a costume jewelry store & I must get baubles for my dancing act. I get some items that cost a pretty penny – like $100. She is GREEN WITH ENVY. To appease her, I MUST buy her a tiara for $100. because SHE IS THE QUEEN! She accepts this gift, any decent person would have told me to save my limited funds for what was needed.

GREEDIER THAN GREEDY: Woe is me. I let her know I had a PENSION {from the death of my husband, it amounted to about $325 a month} – enough to live on. I would help her build her church by producing a NEWSPAPER – which I would pay for – {called One World Light} & promote HER WORK. This would make me happy. I set to work writing & creating, she just sat around. All she had to do for the apt was collect rent from the tenants - she did nothing else but rarely worked as a waitress for some cash.

Within a short time – after publication of the first paper costing me $200 she decided THIS WAS NOT THE RIGHT WAY TO GO. What was the right way? What did God want? She said,

“The way you can best help our Church, is to go on the road & dance & send money to me. Oh & yes, let me keep your pension, let me cash the monthly check. You are young & if I was young, I would go out & dance & raise money for the Church. This is what God wants.”

I was downhearted. I wanted to quit show business to serve God, to get closer to God by a contemplative life. I did NOT enjoy being a sex object – nothing but that. The work on the stage, for a woman like me, was DEMORALIZING. It was another form of ABUSE. You show your body, men sneer at you, they hit on you, when you are alone, your life is in danger – it was many times. It is overall a DEPRESSING LIFE, not fun at all. Being with God, thinking of God, serving God, to me was FUN. For her to SEND ME ON THE ROAD, by myself, no protection, was unconscionable - I protested, she insisted. In the end, I did it with a heavy heart.

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So Rev Swaggart & I were at cross purposes. My purpose was to serve God by serving her Church, learn & grow spiritually. Her purpose was to deprive me of my pension & get whatever else she could out of me, by sending me on the road. It was a money grab, that was all. She wanted money more than to build the Church – she never used one penny of it for that.

It didn’t end there. I was with her for six years. After two years I refused to fork over my pension. I reclaimed my daughter from her Grandma {husband’s Ma}, she & I moved in with my Dad in New York – I had expenses for daughter & Dad. But she made me pay for many other things, like example, I was permitted to call her long distance once a month. For this a donation of $100 was required for an hour of ‘receiving God’s Light’ from her. {Not a joke, she really did have the Light & did at least once get me off a curse Mr. America, Harold Poole, had put on me.}

Second, I had to pay for all her Vegas trips where she knew she would hit some type of jackpot, twice she channeled what the number would be, but in the end was one digit off. These trips I had to donate a few hundred bucks.

When we were together on one of my visits to L.A. we went to a restaurant {I don’t have to tell you I paid, she never paid one penny for me for anything} & on return to her car, it had a ticket. Who do you think had to pay the $40.? Me of course, it was somehow MY FAULT she got the ticket!

Oh, another to me, strange item. You think she’d share with me her food in the refrigerator? No indeed, I had to buy my own! And she, of course, helped herself to it.

Another item was the land. She bought some land in a desert area {it had a well she said} where we were some day to BUILD OUR CHURCH. So who had to pay the monthly payments for the land? Me of course. It was $160. a month. And who got the land when she died? Her sons naturally. {Understand that during the time of my service to her money was worth a lot more than it is today – in 1971, when we got started, by 2021 multiply 6.43 for each item & you know in today’s value .}

I also had to pay for her birthday bash. I ordered the cakes, the food, for fifteen of her friends & relatives & disciples. Not one of those friends or relatives contributed a dime. No one even offered.

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That night proved a turning point for me to exit the next day. During a channeling session she was in a trance, & while there, she said her main goal in life was to secure her sons – Tommy & Timmy – all she cared about was them, the land she had purchased was for them. {One time I had just given her a donation, Tommy walked by, she said to him did he need any money?} No mention of the Church, just the sons, which reminded me of Monster Mom doing everything for my brother – all money for him, all privileges for him, I was just a slave.

A tidbit about her sons. Timmy was sweet & loved her, but Tommy resented her. When she preached to him he told her to ‘shut up.’ Why did he hate her? When he was a kid, she robbed him. He’d saved up all his nickels & dimes for a long time. And one day she needed some bread & took it. And because he hated her she was always trying to please him. – but it was too late.

The next day I packed up & called a cab. Rev. Judy tried to physically stop me from leaving by standing in my way. She had put on her silver body suit – which she used to try to sweat off fat – she looked ridiculous. She had a disciple sitting on her couch, was posturing in front of her, telling her she had to protect herself from my ‘bad vibes’ with her suit. That was ridiculous, I just left & checked into a motel.

That was the first time she put a DEATH CURSE on me. Why? Not because she loved me, because she wanted my money. A 19 year old black male stalked me, was planning to rape & kill me, but God foiled it. I knew Swaggart had done it when I called her after the fact, the sound of triumph was in her voice. I shall explain this incident later.

SHE WAS LAZY: OK, her heart was not good, she had had an attack. So she could not work as hard as before the attack – but she did nothing but watch TV, lying on the couch. I have had more than one heart attack, my heart is damaged, yet I do what I can – like yesterday I worked seven hours writing a long article, today I am doing this. I do lots of other work, whatever I can manage – she didn’t even try. All she did was lie there moaning & talking about her bad luck & all kinds negative shit. Yes, it wasn’t all bad, sometimes she channeled, – I awaited that eagerly.

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SHE WAS A LIAR & DECEIVER: I suggested one time she might apply for welfare, the blew her stack. How dare I suggest a great woman like her would apply for welfare?

Another time I was at the airport & saw a beautiful necklace with a heart. It cost about $20 which would be $60 in today’s terms. I gave her the necklace.

Now I’m at her place – she’s lying on the couch watching TV as usual, & she sent me on an errand to her spare room. There I was to get an item out of a drawer.

I went to that drawer & found two things of interest that proved what a punk she was. One, there was a welfare application for which she was denied, & two, she had taken my heart necklace to a jeweler to have it appraised. It saddened me that they appraised it for less than I paid – you know how thy rip you off at airports. I did not say a word.

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SHE LACKED DISCIPLINE: I exercised every day for 45 minutes, had weights. She got a machine. That fucking machine for the first time gave me cellulite. You remember those stupid jobs in the 70′s where you put your ass in a sling, & it vibrates? You had to rent them, that’s how she wasted money. She thought it would get some of her fat off. So for about a week I tried this & it did nothing for me but break up flesh to make cellulite. {I stopped & it eventually went away.}

The other thing she liked to do was eat. She could not control her appetite. When I bought her birthday cake she went to the fridge & tasted it before the party. When we were in Vegas she found a cheap buffet, ‘all you can eat,’ you know the rest. At five foot tall she weighed about 180. At 5’7″ I weighed 127. This came at a price, I was a fruitarian until Rev. Bitch talked me out of it.

I can’t think about her any more, must get my mind on something else. To be continued………………………….1-19-21

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Saint Martin Luther King Jr

Saint Martin Luther King, Jr



from Rasa Von Werder: Saint MLK is one of my constant companions, who blesses me, guides me, protects me every day for the last 10 years. I pray to him in times of need, such as losing things – he always answers – the thing I lost is at my fingertips. He once REPAIRED MY CAR – no joke – there was a dent. I laughingly asked him to fix it, the next morning, dent gone. So my advice, love him, promote his Holy Work & PRAY TO HIM. He will answer!

His stature in Heaven is great, he was a martyr. He knew he would probably be assassinated but did what he had to do, just like Our Lord. His Soul is Great, radiating tremendous Light. I feel his Holy Presence………………………………………………………………………………….

from Wikipedia:

Martin Luther King Jr. (born Michael King Jr.; January 15, 1929 – April 4, 1968) was an American Baptist minister and activist who became the most visible spokesperson and leader in the Civil Rights Movement from 1955 until his assassination in 1968. King is best known for advancing civil rights through nonviolence and civil disobedience, inspired by his Christian beliefs and the nonviolent activism of Mahatma Gandhi. He was the son of early civil rights activist Martin Luther King, Sr..

King participated in and led marches for blacks’ right to vote, desegregation, labor rights, and other basic civil rights.[1] King led the 1955 Montgomery bus boycott and later became the first president of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC). As president of the SCLC, he led the unsuccessful Albany Movement in Albany, Georgia, and helped organize some of the nonviolent 1963 protests in Birmingham, Alabama. King helped organize the 1963 March on Washington, where he delivered his famous “I Have a Dream” speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

The SCLC put into practice the tactics of nonviolent protest with some success by strategically choosing the methods and places in which protests were carried out. There were several dramatic stand-offs with segregationist authorities, who sometimes turned violent.[2] FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover considered King a radical and made him an object of the FBI’s COINTELPRO from 1963, forward. FBI agents investigated him for possible communist ties, recorded his extramarital liaisons and reported on them to government officials, and, in 1964, mailed King a threatening anonymous letter, which he interpreted as an attempt to make him commit suicide.[3]

On October 14, 1964, King won the Nobel Peace Prize for combating racial inequality through nonviolent resistance. In 1965, he helped organize two of the three Selma to Montgomery marches. In his final years, he expanded his focus to include opposition towards poverty, capitalism, and the Vietnam War.

In 1968, King was planning a national occupation of Washington, D.C., to be called the Poor People’s Campaign, when he was assassinated on April 4 in Memphis, Tennessee. His death was followed by riots in many U.S. cities. Allegations that James Earl Ray, the man convicted of killing King, had been framed or acted in concert with government agents persisted for decades after the shooting. King was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Congressional Gold Medal. Martin Luther King Jr. Day was established as a holiday in cities and states throughout the United States beginning in 1971; the holiday was enacted at the federal level by legislation signed by President Ronald Reagan in 1986. Hundreds of streets in the U.S. have been renamed in his honor, and the most populous county in Washington State was rededicated for him. The Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., was dedicated in 2011.

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College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

The Utmost Putz {Charlatans}


Continue Chapter 3 – Section 2 From Charlatan to Charlatan

the Utmost Putz




The thing about Putz NutOn – I’m not sure if I explained properly why he might have seemed ‘weird’ or bizarre. I also want you to know that while I was with him, until the end, I was always cordial, affectionate {I had sex with him on demand–I stalled him for months but finally had to break down & give in. My big excuse was I saw him as a revered mentor rather than lover, haha – translation: You revolt me as a man} & was even defensive of him. I did not see him as I do now, for the time being, I felt I needed him {will explain the good he did me}on some level, in some way {to be explained later.}

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Today, I see the characters of my life 100% apart from how I felt when with them. As I outline their mistreatment of me, you might feel ‘fukk, if someone treated me that way I’d hate them’ – she must have felt & now feels hate. Not at all, & this is important. Had I felt pure hate I would have acted completely different than what I did.

For example: My Monster Mom, at bottom I always had respect for her & was trying to show her I WAS WORTHY OF LOVE, WHY PERSECUTE ME? It never worked, the more I tried, the more I fell into her snares & she betrayed me until I ran to the other end of America. When the docs said she had 6 months to live, I went to Church daily {I was in Providence RI at the time}, received Communion for her & prayed one hour after that. I also promised God ‘Don’t let her go to Hell, I WILL PAY FOR HER SINS.} Does that sound like hate? I forgave her & everyone who ever hurt me & still do. There were two things holding up my thoughts, one, as my Mother, it was impossible to hate her as that would be MORTAL SIN, & second, I held the erroneous thought that somehow, some way, it was MY FAULT she hated me, if only I could do better, I might win her over. This stayed in my mind as I did not, could not, understand her disposition toward me.

Today, I see Mom & all others with a SENSE OF HUMOR because it doesn’t HURT any more. As long as it hurts, you can’t tell it properly, all you can do is cry. But when the pain stops, it’s like looking AT SOMEONE ELSE – not me, & this is how it was. I see the humor, even the fun of it, what a story, what a gas. {I might have to add here that this attitude became imbedded at the time I entered Yogic ‘nonduality’ in 2007. I told my Guru ‘Swami G’ ‘I can’t get what my family did to me out of my mind, the pain haunts me’, she said,


“When you enter Nonduality the pain fades away – it’ll feel like it happened to someone else.”

And so when I describe Putz you probably think I had utter contempt for him & treated him like trash. No indeed, I was totally respectful, acted like he was my Dad {except for sex} & I had to look up at & obey him {he was only about 10 years older, I was 24-25, he never told me his age but kept saying he was older than he looked – trying to give himself authority} and the entire first year I treated him like I was ‘in love’ {I wasn’t}, showed signs of jealousy, looked to him for answers, followed the practices he recommended, etc. My attitude today is I know he was insane, whacked & weird, so I describe him as I do.

The second year – things changed. He stayed away more, came home later, sometimes out all night. On his side he knew he had control over me & now it was on to other pastures, play the games with new victims.

On my side, his absence gave me the time to practice the ‘mind over matter’ stuff he taught – I perfected. I spent hours a day in self hypnosis, to master myself, stay on the fruitarian diet {all raw, fruits, seeds, no leaves, all raw} which was the hardest thing I ever did. I lifted the weights {as usual} every day, & I kept myself at one point up all night sewing pretty dresses {he did not allow me pants!}, sleeping a minimum – lost gobs of weight, looked incredible, & most astounding of all, I reached the still, small Voice inside me – which became, of course, my NEW MASTER instead of him – I HAD REACHED GOD! This was 1971, I remember it as the greatest day in my life up until then.

Now what made him bizarre? His ideas, most notable, he knew HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. He repeated this many times to myself & others & I recall only vaguely, way down the road he gave some cockamamie answer, so stupid I can’t recall what it was. But the fact that he DWELLED on this subject showed he was having delusions of ultimate power.

The other things he spoke about nonstop, to everyone was DIET. He insisted we were originally apes {true} & that apes ate nothing but fruits {not true, both chimpanzees & bonobos eat meat; Bonobos more so. Although they’re peaceful at home, they especially like to munch other monkeys}- & so the diet of all diets is fruitarian, & if we practice it we can CURE ANY DISEASE & remain healthy always & live a long life. People would listen to him go on & on, but no one he brainwashed ever did it, that I know of, EXCEPT ME.

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{I followed this diet for over one year, segueing into it bit by it. I never ate meat after meeting Putz, long after him, but when I left him Rev. Judy Swaggart talked me out of it. How I wish I had stayed on it longer & could keep it today. It really is the fountain of youth. I saw a lady on You tube who’s practiced it most of her life – at 70 she looked 20. Myself, I was the thinnest I’d ever been; my beauty contest weight was 136-37, on this diet I was 127 & looked terrific. Starving naturally but looking good.}

OK back to the Putz. I said he was bizarre for what he believed & talked – most of it talking, not walking. But he did succeed in many ways on many levels, that I shall now explain, so he wasn’t STUPID & he had SKILL – the method to his madness.

He always managed to get either FREE living space {being an apt manager} or office space – an office he could use for monkey business & sleep in at night when he wanted to {often before I came along.}

When I met him he had an extended office at the Sunset-Vine Tower in Hollywood, owned by a bank. This was a beautiful place & he had three rooms, one of which he later had me use. How did he get this with NO MONEY?

He met the young vice-president of the bank – a blonde guy, I met him once. This male was related to the President of the bank, I think it was his Dad. When Putz met him & started his gab, some sort of problem was on boy’s mind, & Putz persuaded him he could cure it. He used hypnosis. I don’t recall the details or even if he told me them – but he had this boy hooked for life, & got these offices for FREE. I know he slept there at night as he used to call me at 12 am – {the phones were free also} – deluding himself the cleaning lady was after him & kept coming closer & closer to clean {again, free services went with the office!). He was constantly complaining how they turned off the air conditioning at night – there was no air {windows did not open} & I had an air-conditioning unit that you filled with water – did not have to be in a window – I gave him, which helped somewhat.

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One tiny thing comes to mind which I laugh at, it’s insignificant but funny. He got a POTATOE for a small desk there, which grew the most beautiful VINES – no expensive plant, just a potato, & it was LOVELY.

So when I met him he had this extended office, which later the Vice-President demoted to a two room space, lower down, not the 6th but the 3rd floor {apparently the higher you are the more prestigious} & there he set me up, in the back room with the windows covering the whole wall – his front room had no windows but I think he felt good that I was behind him & he had me ‘cornered’ where I could not go in or out without passing him.

It comes to mind how he begged out of me the use of my white Corvette {no I did not buy it myself, it was my late husband’s, 1958 manual steering which I loved} & lo & behold, what did he need it for? To whore around of course. I was sitting at my desk right there by the window when I saw my corvette stopped in the driveway behind the bank. There he sat with the hippie girl that had visited our office several times. He was regaling her with this or that – they sat there like 20 minutes. It upset me that he would use my car that way! She was an airhead, wore hippie style clothes & beads, & pranced near me saying we should start a harem for the Putz, we belonged to him. I shuddered. What could he be talking to her about? The fruitarian diet?

Later on, of course, he WRECKED the car {I had never had an accident with it}. He comes in ranting & raving how some guy side-swiped him – all his fault. {It didn’t occur to me at the time to even see if he had a driver’s license, he probably didn’t!} but he managed to find another guy to fill the fiberglass up for $75. I didn’t loan him the car after that.

Another time it was 5PM, my witching hour when I had to leave the office for him. Just as I opened the door – he was settled in the back – in walks my BEST FRIEND, Yolanda Tugues, a raving Puerto Rican beauty with hair below her waist {we danced in the same private club in Santa Monica, my first gig, ‘The Ball’ & other places} I was stunned that I couldn’t even ask her what her business with him was. Later I did ask, & she said he was offering her A FREE APARTMENT.

Where the fukk could he get a free apt? I thought about it & recalled the black lady lawyer he introduced me to. This lady had bought a huge, cavernous apt building of sorts – it was like nothing I’d ever seen. I walked in with Putz, there were dozens of people here & there, sitting about, lounging, there seemed to be no doors on any place, no privacy, & the building looked more like a cave with rounded arches than a normal house. All these people were complaining but I could not figure out why, they seemed to be begging for something – what? since Putz never explained things to me straight, I figured it out later.

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The lady friend had bought this place for a good price because it was filled with SQUATTERS she could not get rent from – & she was baffled how to be rid of them. She met Putz who told her he would help. He then went to the building & ingratiated himself with the residents, mostly young people- so he worked it both ways.

It was here that Putz would give a FREE APT to Yolanda, why? No reason except to get into her pants. I hope he didn’t, I feel her Guardian Angels protected her.

Now other things he got free or conned. During the year he was working on me full time I ate more FREE FOOD in restaurants & went to more dinners at friend’s houses than I had ever done in my life before or after.

First, there was this sweet Armenian little old man & his restaurant – that was my favorite, I loved the food, the pita bread & all. He said he was eating there one day when the old man doubled over with his bad back so bad, he screamed. Putz went over to him, straightened him out & cured him. He got free meals after that. so Putz took me there countless times, the old guy always greeted him like a celebrity.

Then there was the ‘Café of Opera,’ where singers & fans ate lovely dinners -there was a piano – the singers, all men – would get up & loose their lungs on the audience from time to time. I loved it because I love opera, the meals were great – all FREE. I don’t recall how he got into the owner’s graces, except that he was a FAILED opera singer & Putz – he was great at building up people – convinced him he’d soon be tweeting at the Met.

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There is an odd anecdote. I had been seeing Rev. Swaggart at the time – she was giving me lessons in spirituality& faith healing {she hated hypnosis, felt it was wrong, only her ways were right}. The owner of the Café had a PROBLEM. His wife refused to have sex with him any more! This was, of course, I guessed it, because he was having affairs with the waitresses, one in particular. She knew it, but he told us he only did it after she refused him sex – he lied.

And so, since Putz & I were both hypnotists, he asked if he could help her get over her frigidity. Putz couldn’t hypnotize her – he was not trusted by all – so I got the assignment.

OK, I recall hypnotizing her, don’t recall what I did to get her right, just that I did. And soon after that, days, she said she felt completely different & was able to have sex with hubby.

Now Rev. Judy said I pulled a spiritual light OUT OF HER, millions of years old {one of her famous sayings, of course, all Lights are millions of years old, energy is infinite} & I BLEW THE LIGHT -whatever the fukk that means. This was one of her issues – she imagined she was the center of the spiritual Universe, whatever I did that was good spiritually came from her, I had nothing, only she had ‘the Light’ – I took Light from her & gave it to other people – naughty me, I should stop that.

There would be many changes when I moved in with her, good & bad, we shall broach later.

Now other things con man did. He had a string of friends & we did not visit at odd times, it was always dinner times. I remember this sweet & wonderful middle aged woman & her husband – how often they fed us. She always had home made bread. She would read my newspaper {a free paper I called Enlightenment, that’s what I did in the office}, which I asked her to critique, but sadly, I was too proud to accept her corrections. She said I was wrong in the use of the world ‘palacious,’ that it was ‘palatial’ & I denied I was wrong, just my hurt ego.

We also visited a beautiful fancy beach hotel. They had a FREE BUFFET. I’d pay for two drinks, & for a couple hours of pleasant sitting & entertainment {a band} we feasted on free salad-style food. All I remember is Garbanzo beans & delightful rolls.

Then there was this oh-so wonderful motel right on the beach in Malibu – no con games there, I paid. {I had a pension, not much, I shall discuss later.}

It had a PORCH off the room, facing the beach & water. Naturally Putz got the bright idea of pulling out the mattress – Queen sized – through the sliding glass door to fukk me there. But the owner must have seen this before, he approached us & said no mattresses on the porch – they would soak up the humidity & be damaged. Putz tried to resist but had to give in. He was nasty when someone opposed him. I was embarrassed.

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Speaking of building people up – Putz knew a guy who ran for Mayor. I got to know him, went to his house, he visited the office many times & when I went with Rev. Judy he visited us there several times as well. Putz & Judy had once been friends.

This guy built himself up as a big businessman, haha. He lived off his Mother – they had a mansion, but it was hers. He also sang – terribly. Putz told him he would be the next Mayor as well as a future Caruso – I heard him repeat these lies a gazillion times in variations, so Mr. Unaware loved seeing him.

Finally when the election came, future Mayor got 200 votes. Rev. Swaggart – who I promoted for a minor office, got 16,000. {She had me carry a poster on her, give out flyers, on the street.} She had a religious ‘Dr.’ degree, so putting that with her name on the ballot I think rocked it.

The second year Putz & I were together, as I said, he was losing control. Once the Voice appeared, he got shook up, & his personality changed. He came more & more of a ‘spoiled brat.’ For instance, before he went out, he made me change my outfit again, & again & again, about 7 times. I was exhausted, but my personality is that if it isn’t a sin, & you’re my mentor, I do as they ask. I’m not a marshmallow, I have my own gifts & ways, & one of mine is obey until you get what you want & need out of this, then leave. I left my abusive family as soon as I had the path, I left Putz when I could, ditto Rev. Swaggart. All three were peeved at my departure – will explain later.

He pulled his bitch routine at a coffee shop. We get our food, he finds fault with it, in fact, he sends it back three times, each time scowling & ranting what’s wrong with it. Finally the cook comes out, a big guy carrying his BUTCHER KNIFE & asks what the problem is. No more problem, no more talk.

To show his versatility, again, & chutzpah, he put on his hypnosis show at the Knickerbocker Hotel. I did the promotion, as usual, several times for these shows he had me hand out flyers on the street – to the chagrin of a movie manager when I gave out hundreds to the line outside – he came out to grabbed them out of my hand. Rev. Judy came along & said it was a ‘good show’ – the Putz came by, saw the movie man grab my flyers, me acting sheepish, & grabbed & twisted his wrist. the boy cowered, his anger at me? I figured after they went in the theater, they dropped all those flyers to the floor & he had to clean them up.

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Anyway, for this show, I did some fancy footwork. I called up all the dance studios in the area & managed to get two Chinse people to do a FREE SHOW. One was a beautiful lady who did a swan dance. The other was a male who did an act as a female in beautiful robes – he was good too, & I awarded them trophies, which I had engraved with something like ‘best talent’. I danced also, in a white feather bikini while Putz played Boogie Woogie on the piano -the audience cheered & insisted I get the last trophy, there were three & no one else to get one, so. And where had the audience come from? They had not come to see our show, it was a huge birthday party there from friends of Putz, an extended family of about 50 – so that was our first audience.

Later he did other shows where he would put that pin through his hand & make an instant repair – I never watched, but he had done this act for men’s clubs several times, like Shriners or Fire men or something. He had newspaper articles on it.

There was another show for which I have an anecdote. I had been working at The Classic Cat, which was once the Jerry Lewis Club, which was the biggest nightclub in Hollywood, on Sunset Blvd.

Don’t recall how I got the idea to put on a beauty contest, myself doing all the work completely for free. The name of the contest, “Miss Queen of Starlets,” appropriate for Hollywood.

I did EVERYTHING. Putz was supposed to be involved, he went down to where the U.S. Navy was anchored to get the men to fill the place up {a stupid scheme, the place needed no extra audience, there were always lots of people, but I think he was scheming to get an ADMISSION FEE which he would keep.} Can’t think of any other reason he’d want to do it.

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I got the CONTESTANTS by calling several model agencies in the area. Got about 8 females from that. Then the ones who worked at the club – about 5 of them – also entered. I got the FLOWERS, in fact, got two florists to donate completely free, beautiful roses. Sadly, the second one with the roses I had to pick them up but had no time or transportation – lost that chance {Why didn’t I ask them to deliver? Was afraid they’d be mad I guess}. But one black lady owning a floristry came herself, built an arbor to present the queen, lined it with flowers & also had a huge bouquet of red roses. That was a WOW.

The trophies – I bought them, {the club paid me nothing, I asked for no reimbursement} had them engraved with one Queen & six Princesses.

Then the Press. I tried hard on that, one man from ‘Rogers & Cowan,’ an advertising agency, came, & offered me a free room in his firm to do whatever I wanted – he said my work was amazing. I never took him up on the offer.

I don’t even know who got the Queen a spot on a TV show, but they did. Now the MC- he ghosted me. So I was the temporary MC & I told some jokes. Finally Putz arrived, & one of his lady friends, a great person, was a professional speaker, she got up & ran the show. It was beautiful, I was so proud of it all. One girl who was a perennial beauty contest candidate, only got Princess. She was so mad she refused her trophy – she had won 98 contests before – so she said.

I discovered truth I should have anticipated – control your contest – tally the votes yourself – keep the info on the contestants under wraps. The girl they picked worked at the club, totally average, flat chest, not as good as the others – I had no idea how that happened. And second, John Lamb, who had produced a movie on me, ‘She Did It His Way’ & his buddies, stole the list of the candidates names & phone numbers.

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Now the anecdote that stands out. Finally I discuss the events of the day with Putz. What took him so long to arrive? Why no bevy of sailors?

He described his sojourn to the docks. He got to meet a Commander & he gave him the lengthy spiel. The Commander was to marshal these boys into our club, bottom line, they would have a good time.

The Commander listened patiently & these were his words,

“I am responsible for the lives of 25,000 men, & YOU ARE JUST A PIMP.”

As Putz explained this his face looked perplexed & he knew that he had been corrected, his tail between his legs. I was proud of the Commander but said not a word. This incident knocked Putz down a peg in my eyes – he was a failure, he was delusional. (By the way, I knew Putz had been in the military I guess in the U.S. but he said so little about it, it must have been dismal. I can imagine him without his turban & hair buzz cut. No speeches allowed, no conning anybody out of anything, just carry your bundle, do pushups & obey. Maybe he got a dishonorable, who knows. It had to be Army as he’d never enlist.}


When I got back with Rev. Judy she told me this tale. She was driving down the Highway when some force kept pushing her to the left, toward the cement barrier, again & again. She called out to God to save her & saw an image of Putz meditating, trying to make her have an accident. He was no Boy Scout. This is pure evil, because all she did to him was influence me, not worth her life. On the other hand, I will tell you about the Rev that will make you wonder – when we get to her part. Twice she tried to kill me when I left her, I was saved by God. She was no Girl Scout either. That’s why I call this chapter ‘From Charlatan to Charlatan.’ She was of God, but so was Jimmy Swaggart.


When I met Putz I was just ‘winding down’ an affair with Mickey Hargitay. He had proposed marriage but I said no. I felt it was not in my destiny. Yes, I liked him a lot, but when you get married, the whole course of your life is changed. I always sensed, at every turn & opportunity, some paths I would have to take, even though they were ‘bad’ in the human sense, some roads I would have to turn down although they seemed perfect. Such was the road with Mickey – everything about him seemed good, everything about Putz seemed weird, but ‘stumbling blocks lead to stepping stones.’

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As I thought about Mickey over the years, many things would NOT have happened that should have. For instance, my most important quest, over all, was my relationship with God. With Mickey that would have been curtailed. I would have been fairly happy in the HUMAN sense, but would I have endured the Gurus who would CHISEL ME DOWN TO SIZE, make me the statue in God’s image & likeness?

All of life is a Guru, the people we meet are gurus, certain ones are KEYS in our experience, they open up avenues within us that to us, are ‘the way, the truth & the life.’ They introduce us to our inner selves.

What would have been my life with Mickey? He was wealthy, he was of show business, me as his wife would have been an immediate connect in people’s minds to Jane Mansfield. I would have got jobs, maybe in movies, TV, I could have been a star as she was. But would I have found God, seen her FACE TO FACE? Probably not. Would I have been the Stripper for God? The only one in history? Not on your life. I might have listed weights continuously, but would I have been the Progenitor? Probably not, because I would not have started entering contests in 1972, I would have had bigger fish to fry in Hollywood.

Mickey had taken me to the Pink Palace. I was driving down Sunset right in front of it, when I looked up & saw a shooting star. Make a wish. Do you want to marry Mickey? No! I exclaimed.

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But I must add this. If he was a man, not a mouse, he would have tried harder t keep me. all Putz did was discourage me from calling him – I used to call him regularly. Finally, he called, feeling insecure. He asked strange questions. Like was I in this porn movie? I should be ashamed of myself. I said no, I had never done a porn movie. Bad excuse for calling me.

Then he said people told him ‘I went out with black guys’ – that was to embarrass & shame me. Indeed, I had been dating James Brown, but that punked out. So I denied it.

Had he been more manly he would have insisted on seeing me & talked me into marrying him. But I guess he was too timid, shame on him. So Putz won out, he several weeks later went to Vegas & married a girl named Ellen, who he told me was ‘just a baby sitter.’ so his love for me wasn’t strong enough. I shall do more on him later, channel him.

Again to reiterate, why do we associate with ‘bad’ people or those who are mean, or those who abuse or exploit?

With Monster Mom I had no choice until a time I shall explain later. With Putz there were certain things I wanted to learn that he intimated he knew – things concerning mind over matter, the mystical realm & I knew he knew hypnosis.

He was a bad egg, but the Sergeant in the army also is, he kicks the beans out of us to make us grow. Putz forced me to do things I would never have done had I not met him.

Had it not been for Putz, I would not have met & studied with Rev. Judy. my spiritual evolvement would have been curtailed. And so, in life, we often have to taste the bitter chalice, not the sweet one, the nasty, evil person/Guru, who teaches us humility, poverty, breaks us down where we have to reach out to God.

With Mickey Hargitay I suspect I would have been ‘just a star’, like Jayne, not who I became. I would have been devoted to God mostly in privacy, & so, how unusual would my life have been as an ideal, icon or subject? I would be remembered for looks alone – I would not have ministered or ‘saved souls’. Like for instance, I preached in front of the White House on Our Lady of Fatima, this ended the Cold War, the threat of nuclear annihilation – Communism fell. This would not have happened had I been another Jayne. You see I had to meet my destiny? Fatima was designated for me to preach – not someone else, since my childhood – to be explained later.

And so, this evil man Putz NutOn was a stumbling block that led to stepping stones, a speed bump on the road of life, a mistake that leads to a benefit – people laughed at him & warned me again Rev. Judy. So many negative people have been in my life I wonder how I survived, but as the poet said, ‘I have promises to keep, & miles to go before I sleep.’ And I have tales to tell & many about Hell.

I plan next time to begin speaking of Rev. Judy Swaggart – this is exhausting, she will be to. I will ask each character, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being a demon, what were you? He says, ‘I was a 9.5.’

I asked Monster Mom, what were you on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being a demon? She said 7, but that 7 was directed strongly to those she hated, Dad, myself, the cops she betrayed, etc.

to be continued………………………………..1-18-21


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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Uncategorized

God’s Hand on me Brought Wealth


Dreams Explain why Lover will be Desperate & how He’ll Come to Me – How

People Cursed Me but God Blessed Me & Gave me Wealth


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1-17-21- Dreams – Strange Couple – Lover-Drug Man


Yesterday did not have time to write down, my ex-best friend the lawyer, seems to have turned into a drug dealer. He was making lots of money, writing it down on a list, I saw deals for $350 & over $100 on a large parchment which he was noting, a list of the deals of the day. After a bit he covered it with a grey sort of cloth with a straight ‘fringe,’ – the cloth like soft burlap.

He was still working, but this was the weekend so he did this – I sensed he might do some dealing in the evenings also. I thought that if this is what he’s up to, it’ll have a bad end, as sooner or later they all get caught & go to jail. Then he’ll be flat broke because if in jail he won’t go to his job & could get fired. He was also being warm & friendly to me……………..1-16-21

*(DRUG MAN: This sounds like your ex-lover Joe & if it is him, the future is bleak & the conclusions are as you said. This might be how he gets impoverished & desperate & comes to you.)*

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KAHELL………….I see Kahell, an evil ex, former drug dealer who spends half his life in jail – walking down the street with me hand in hand, he wearing beige & very handsome. The feeling is he doesn’t mind being seen with me in public, isn’t being secretive like he used to. I recall like a week earlier walking this exact same way with a boyfriend who is also very handsome but white. The street is quiet & calm, see no people or cars

*(Kahell: This is lover at his worst. It seems like a continuation of the dream yesterday, where he starts raking in money from drugs.

You ‘walk down the street’ with him twice. This would be a PUBLIC RELATIONSHIP or KNOWN relationship – something IN THE STREET is public, like they say, “Don’t put your business in the street” or “What does the street say?”

You now walk with him, in the dream he has dark black skin. You recall walking with him earlier where his skin was white. This explains something, how you’ll come to be with him again – it answers a puzzle. First, he was of good repute, accepted by society.

But now, you walk with him – it’s the same man, both handsome, both are your boyfriend. This time he has become DISREPUTABLE or a ‘BLACK SHEEP.’
It could be your conclusion – He sells drugs, gets arrested – does jail time. Even though among his peers this is not seen as a big deal – to some people it still is.

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Secondly, through this experience he COMES TO YOU, & that is the second reason he would ‘lose face’ or be thought of as Mr. Wrong. He would leave his common-law wifey & child for you – & that would not sit well with his peers. The peers are mostly a bunch of lowlifes, hoods, addicts, losers & such – many are dealers, most users. And so, part one of his being a dealer & doing time would not upset them but part two, where he basically turns his back on the ‘hood’ & homies’ to be with you – that would condemn him.)*


Now this couple is in my house, don’t know who.  His girlfriend seems like a nice person.

They seem to be doing some kind of business. After a while, I go to my room – they had been using another room not far, but this time they are in my bed asleep, she far to his right, not close, on her right side, the sheets are the ones on my bed this day, with dark ornate patterns in burgundy, beige, black & pink.

*(STRANGE COUPLE: This seemed like my ex Lover Joe & wife Mandy, but at close inspection I see it is MY FLESH & MY LOVER. The hint is first, it’s MY BED & second, they are not PHYSICALLY CLOSE – which we are not. And yet, this says WE ARE TOGETHER which means we are joined, united, we are One. {Where two are joined together, let no man put asunder is Holy Wedlock.})*

I was planning to go to sleep but now I can’t, unless I go back to the guest room where they were & change the sheets. Now they both wake up & are going out to do some of the things they were talking about on my bed – looking to buy a house.

*(THEY WERE ASLEEP THEY BOTH WAKE UP & ARE MAKING PLANS: Asleep means ‘unaware’ – awake is to become aware. Joe & I become aware we’re to be together & we’re eager for happiness.)*h

There’s a feeling at some point they went to my room & it was situated in the exact space where my room was on Van Buren St. – when I was 8 years old, overlooking the library in Newark, New Jersey. I never dream about this so it’s unusual.

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*(ROOM ON VAN BUREN: When you dream about a location you have to know what that location signified. What happened there? In this spot was when Marius Bernotas, my Mom’s new lover, moved in with us for room & board – a child was born. After this place in the city, there was a great move, that signaled the end of my Dad, the end of their marriage, the beginning of a completely new life. Therefore, I conclude this could herald the breakup of Joe & Mandy & a new life beginning for Joe & me.)*

They had been sitting there talking animatedly about business, making money, & purchase of a house. They were planning to be happy {they had experienced money troubles & these seemed to be over, where they could be happy for the first time}. It seems money was coming their way & my vague thought is it drugs? It seems like a windfall.

*(WINDFALL MONEY-NEW HOUSE & HAPPINESS: This sounds like Joe & I planning happiness – A new residence for him, in a house {mine}- I am wealthy so if I support him, he would be as well. He doesn’t have to work or worry, this is a WINDFALL or SUDDEN WEALTH.)*

Then somehow, they get me involved, it’s hard to understand. They – she mostly – are inviting men for is it sex? But it’s ‘no touch’ sex. This man comes in to just look at me. I’m lying on my back, he in front, the lady friend supervises this, & just by looking at me he gets off – not masturbating – just looking. Then he puts some papers back into his briefcase in his lap & the session is over – she doesn’t know it but I know it, as he’s done this exact same thing a dozen times before. So I don’t have to do anything, & somehow, she or they make some money.

*(STRANGE BUSINESS, I GET INVOLVED: The reason I get involved in this ‘strange business’ of ‘making money’ & a man ‘invited in for no touch sex’ explains how I got wealthy. The ‘I’ here is the spiritual me – I was celibate for God, God gave me good luck, chose this excellent man for me who was willing to be companions, no sex, & he treated me with utmost respect & left me secure.)*

At one point there’s a beautiful, plain but classy silver {antique looking like 50′s} purse sitting on my bed. Was it mine or hers? I look inside & there’s a bunch of stuff, cluttered, & on top, a fairly large cross {about 4″ tall}, silver, with large rhinestones across it both ways. I then realize it’s hers, I compliment her saying she has good taste. The purse looks like a light grey-shiny snakeskin & has a gold clasp on top.

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*(SNAKESKIN, CLASSY ANTIQUE PURSE: This purse explains your FINANCIAL FORTUNE. The purse is filled with CLUTTER but on top of it is that SILVER/DIAMOND CROSS. The clutter is your BAD LUCK or CURSES people put upon you – Your Mom disinherited you, so did your first husband. No one helped you financially, no man or woman, people like Rev. Judy Swaggart & others used you for money. But ON TOP OF ALL THIS there’s that beautiful Cross, which says,

“People cursed you, but in the end {silver & gold is permanent} I blessed you mightily. The evil they gave you was nullified by my Grace.”


The GOLD CLASP of the purse is like God putting a HINGE, CLASP, SEAL on your fortune, where no one can take it from you – no bad luck or reverse ’till the end of your life, you have GOOD FORTUNE.

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I might add that there are two other windfalls before I die. One is the gas & oil under my property, & two, the movie or TV series they will make of my life. This also is from the GRACE OF GOD.)*

One other scene. The man who was just looking at me again & again, I find out he’s important – some sort of a King from another country, maybe a King of finance. His skin is pure white & he’s completely bald. He is sitting now near me, & I feel a slight warmth about him that I did not before – because I now see his importance, & I brush my face against the side of his head to show affection.

*(KING MAN WHO GETS OFF JUST BY SEEING ME: This is my late husband, Richard Von Werder. We were companions, we never had any kid of sex interaction whatsoever, & he told me all he wanted / needed from me was my COMPANIONSHIP. Because of this sixteen years of companionship he SECURED ME FINANCIALLY – I am reminded of his importance here.
The papers going into his briefcase could be his will & what he left me in it.)*


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