ABUSE AS PREPARATION Chapter 5

By Rasa Von Werder, January 23rd, 2021
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MY DAD Chapter 5

 

I STRIP FOR GOD Part 3

A REVIEW OF THE BOOK SO FAR. LESSONS I LEARNED FROM THE

PEOPLE I KNEW

 

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CHANNELING: Btw people might ask what is channeling? Does the other person actually speak to you? Channeling is MIND READING. The person you channel can be living or dead, on earth, in Heaven or Hell. They in most cases won’t be aware you’re ‘talking’ to them but you’re accessing their mind or field of energy, like plugging into a computer.

At this point I want to channel my God Self {God is within all of us all the time, but people aren’t always aware of God or close to her.} I will ask God:

ME: Almighty God, tell me what did I learn from the abuse of my mother, how did it help me? I know I gained good from it, because you are a good God, & you would not permit evil to beat me up & let me stay on the ground. You will use every seemingly ‘bad’ thing for my benefit, the way you sometimes allow people to get cancer to bring them closer to you. They pray & cannot get rid of the cancer because you allowed it for their good – that is why healing cannot always work. If a disease is your will, healing will not happen, it would move them away from you again. I am saying that everything that happens to us, you use it for our greater benefit, & so I know the abuse benefitted me, but how?

 

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GS {my God Self)}: You were chosen from before you were born to serve me – the Almighty, in a special way, & so you had to be strengthened & prepared. Look at the Marines, the military. Look how the sergeants treat the men, they take ‘soft’ boys & make soldiers out of them – they toughen them up. They drill them, make them exercise, work hard, make their own beds, I recall this movie where a Sergeant said to this guy,

“If you think I’m your Mamma you’ll wish you were dead.”

Imagine if the military was nice to the guys, haha. Imagine how they’d run amuck, do whatever they please, lollygag around the base, laugh & sing, neglect exercise & work, talk back to the officers, give their uneducated opinions. {Now imagine these clowns then getting geared up & gunned up & FACING BATTLE – Facing the enemy who wants to kill them, & they must be strong, tough, brave & SKILLFUL in their actions.} They are made to TOW THE LINE.

You were in a sense, made to tow the line, & you did it WILLINGLY. There are three people here who were especially cruel / exploitative to you – your Mom, the Putz & Rev. Judy. You were respectful & obedient to all three of them, & you learned & gained something from each.

Your Mom tried to break you down, demoralize you, with the help of family, so you had to STAND AGAINST DEMORALIZATION. You had to think as to why your life was valuable, why you deserved love even though they tried to make you feel low. Family can really hurt because they are the closest, whoever can access you the more easily can hurt you the most. Strangers are far away, they can’t get to you that much.

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Here is where your Catholic church & Catechism came in, the Holy Nuns who influenced you so much. You knew from the teachings that what is my purpose? ‘To know, love & serve God & be happy with her here & in eternity.’

You knew you are a creation of God, & that God loves you. You saw the example of Jesus Christ, how He was persecuted, for no reason but to save sinners. He did not deserve to die on the Cross or the Passion. It was all for a reason. And so, you knew you were being hurt, persecuted. You knew it wasn’t fair, but you clung to Jesus, & Mary & all the saints, you followed their example.

If they suffered, why should you not suffer?

It is suffering, adversity that makes us strong, not being given all that we need. When we fight for our lives, that tests our metal like steel tested in the fire.

Your family prepared you for what was to come. they were cruel, unfair, they used you, they beat you down – you did not fight back against your Mom. Your Dad did not save you or help you, he was far away, he abandoned you even though he loved you, but not enough. You were alone, just you & your Faith in God, in her goodness, in her saving you.

You had to go into the world in the adult trade, one of the most hated professions. You had to show your body & be treated like a ‘slut & a whore’ Your Aunt Ara told you,

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‘How dare you pray – God will not hear you BECAUSE YOU SELL YOUR BODY!”

You had to stand up against people who looked down on you through prejudice, projection & hate. They assumed you a sinner, the projected their own sins on you, they judged & condemned you. That is not a pleasant way to be treated – but you’d already been through that so you were prepared.

What’s more, you didn’t just dance & model, you also fought for women’s rights in the adult trade, including prostitutes / therapists. You also struggled for the right of women to lift weights, body build, become muscular, for the sake of strength & health, & to be respected & get prize money & recognition just as the men did. That took guts, there was a lot of opposition, plenty of criticism, insults & put downs. You explained it in your book ‘the Origin & Decline of Female Body Building.”

But mind you, the abuse prepared you for these activities, had you been soft, you could not have done it – why was no other woman the main one promoting it? Why did they jump on the band wagon only after you got it started? Because they were not chosen & they were not chosen because they weren’t ready for battle………….{this paragraph continues below the Gideon treatise} {Call in the war horses! Gideon did not want 32K men, he wanted only 300 that could fight.}

https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/judges-7/

How God chose Gideon’s soldiers for battle:

“We might say that God eliminated the fearful and those who thought first only of convenience, the easy way. “The thought is disturbing, but it may well be true, that the composition of God’s army to fight Satan’s hosts in any day is really little different. How many Christians are so fearful of the enemy that they are of no real use in this warfare, and how many of the remainder are so self-centered, rather than God centered, that they find little place for effective ministry.”
In other words, God does not want deadbeats, weaklings, cowards, the fearful, the unprepared, for her work – YOU MUST BE READY. Training for battle is HARD – mentally, emotionally & physically. Most people cannot fight God’s battles – they can’t – look around you. How many resemble Saint Martin Luther King Jr? How many followed in his footsteps? When he was gone, NO ONE TOOK HIS PLACE. Some tried for GLORY but they didn’t make it as they had no ANOINTING.

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…………………….Not soft in body, with drugs they got as good as the men, but soft in their hearts, letting you take the blows, then jumping on the bandwagon for fame & fortune & repudiating you. THAT you were ready for also – ‘No good deed goes unpunished’ – How many times your Mom took her fists & beat on you when you tried to do good {baked a pie while she was asleep}, or asked a question? How many times did she slap you for little things? That prepared you. You were not a soft, spoiled brat. You did not expect to be pampered, complimented, rewarded or praised. You expected to be beaten, slapped, punched & kicked as you worked for Female Empowerment.

Look what they did to Saint Martin Luther King Jr. How much love & recognition did he get in his lifetime from most people & the authorities? The FBI was watching him & invading his privacy, laughing at him & calling him an enemy & finally, like Jesus & many saints, he suffered martyrdom. No, saints & do gooders come up against the world of Satan & his henchmen, they are not welcomed with love – so you also were not.

Your challenge was to take the punishment, not rebel but learn, do the work, no revenge or hate, then finally, when it was time & you had enough, God let you leave & follow your destiny.

ME: The thing is, when we are abused, we don’t take it that way. All we think for a long time is ‘Why, why why? Why did they do that to me?’ I remember seeing this poor girl on TV, someone left her as a baby on the doorstep of a minister’s family & they abused & exploited her horribly.

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The Dad molested her, they all used her as a slave. She did all the house work. When she was a baby in a high chair the Mom knocked her & the chair down a flight of stairs, later, they burned her hands in the fireplace. There were pictures to prove it. She tried to commit suicide & was sent away to relatives where she explained her case. The relatives took it to the police, the parents were convicted & got long sentences. I recall how they looked – both the parents & their kids, were all fat & walked like zombies. The slave girl was thin. One day after a family feast she was doing dishes until 2AM. Why didn’t the rest of them do any work?

Now this poor girl did not talk about the big picture or Jesus’ sufferings – she just kept asking why did they do it, why?

But that is not the question, is it dear God. The question is how does God use torture to make us holy. Torture, persecution, disrespect, calumny, chisels us, it takes away our ego, arrogance, faults & sins. Of course, if we go the other way, take revenge, we can become criminals & demons.

I have kept in mind that even though my parents let me down at one point, they were also responsible for my place in Christianity. They took us to Church every Sunday, & Catechism, we learned, we received the Sacraments. This was a good beginning for me.

I have another question, dear God. In reviewing Gideon’s choice of men, & keeping in mind David & Goliath, when push comes to shove, it is not training or physical might, but it is the ANOINTING that wins the battle. I don’t know about Gideon, but David & Saint Martin Luther King Jr were ANOINTED. How then do you compare my training / preparation to my being ANOINTED?

GS {God Self}: That’s easy. Mind you that David killed a lion & a bear before Samuel anointed him. They don’t mention wolves but he probably stopped them as well. He had proven himself WORTHY. {Being a shepherd has great symbolism. The people are the sheep, the shepherd protects them, guards them against the enemies – for herds of sheep, the predators are wolves, lions & bears – for humans the enemies are Satan & his demons, & so, the shepherd protects people from these. Remember when Jesus questioned Peter, about ‘Do you love me? Then FEED MY SHEEP.’}

Before David could get that Anointing, he had to prove he was prepared. God does not give Anointings to people who don’t deserve them or can’t use them. An Anointing is a huge Gift & a responsibility, it’s God’s Power.

That is why you received Rev. Judy’s Anointing, you could ‘carry’ it – None of her other disciples distinguished themselves. It would have been gone with her, but when she passed it on to you, the Anointing lived on, like an inheritance.

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MY DAD, STASYS JAKSTAS

 

He was a professor & the founder of the first State Teacher’s College in Lithuania.  There’s a plaque commemorating this in a museum in Kaunas.  In later life he became a poet, for which he was lauded somewhat by our community. 

When we arrived in America around 1950, Dad organized a school for Lithuanians, under the auspices of our Church {Annunciation Church in Newark, N.J.}.  It was conducted in the Church auditorium & had 27 paid teachers.

  I’m proud to have, in some ways, followed the footsteps of my Dad by studying all my life, & eventually building an Online University called ‘Woman Thou Art God.’

  My theatrical name for him is ‘Sir Lancelot,’ a great Knight but flawed.

I will channel him.

 

ME: Dad, when I was 10 years old I began writing you & asking you to take me live with you. They abused me so badly I said I wanted to kill myself. But you refused, & all you kept saying to me, in each letter, ‘You must study’ like that was the cure for all one’s ills. Explain, why you did not take me.

DAD: I did not take you for several reasons. One, I feared the responsibility, I had never taken care of a child by myself, I wasn’t sure I could do it correctly. Second, I was protective of myself. I didn’t want my life messed up or interfered with, I feared the consequences of raising a daughter. I was selfish to put it all in one word. Had I been self-less or compassionate, had my love been strong enough, I would have worked my way around the fears, the obstacles. I would have thought about you instead of me – how you felt, you were abused & wanted to kill yourself, that’s serious. I should have put all else aside & fought to take you.

Sadly, your love for me was much greater than mine for you. I thought of myself more than I thought of you, how my life might change for the worse if I took you in.

ME: Give me some examples what you feared. Did you fear you would have trouble getting dates? Were you looking for a woman to take Mom’s place? I know you still wanted her & she had rejected you for good. Didn’t you know how poor we were? Didn’t you know Mom had to sometimes borrow money to feed us? You had money, you didn’t send enough.

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You also used me as a spy. that was so wrong, it made her hate me more, you knew it was wrong. You told me to go to her room in the evening & sleep in the small bed, & when she asked why, tell her you wanted to watch out for the baby. Of course that intimidated her, because she might have Marius there. You had me sleep there to see if Marius went there or to prevent it. Besides being wrong, it was also stupid, as if you could prevent or deter her from having sex with Marius.

DAD: Of course I was wrong in all that you say. I wasn’t exactly looking for another women, not aggressively, although I wished for one, if it happened it happened & eventually it did. meanwhile, I told you, I went to prostitutes.

As far as money, I was wrong again. Since she was with a man I put it on his back equally like he could fill the gaps. I should have sent more money, it was selfish. Only one of the children was his – & that was in dispute, but of course, it was his. You struggled. I wasn’t there, so ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ I did not witness your sufferings.

Again, about taking you with me, I should have investigated the claim of abuse – not one single person ever questioned you or interviewed you about what was being done, you had no one to turn to, not even me. I knew she treated you with hate, with cruelty, but I could not imagine the type or degree of it, I should have found out. I never asked you anything. I guess I feared if I knew the extent I would be beholden to take you – rejecting you under those conditions would have made me more guilty. We all sinned against you.

Using you as a spy was a bad decision. You obeyed. She should have just told you she was there for the baby, she didn’t need you, go to your own room, but she didn’t, which was dumb of her too.

I was just being an idiot with cuckold horns & yes, I made her hate you more, which was wrong. I could not prevent her having sex with Marius or anyone else. She lied to me, of course, & said they never had sex – haha. What a joke. Here she had a child with this man & was now living with him & tells me they never had sex. Why didn’t I just let it go?

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ME: Sorry to ask this but I want to. How much money did you spend on prostitutes? Was it enough so that it prevented you from helping us properly, or was it just a pittance?

DAD: Not too much, not too little. I went to the cheapest ones I could find which then might be $20 – $65 in 2021 money, & this was once in a while.

ME: Why did you tolerate Mom’s affairs with other men & of course, you had to assist her when she got abortions. Why didn’t she use condoms? Why did she not give birth to the children? How did you feel about the four abortions you helped her get? Didn’t it bother you?

DAD: She had control over me. She was much younger & dominating, a bully – psychopath. I did as I was told when it came to emotions, I couldn’t control her. I feared losing her, I feared the scandal of divorce. I feared not getting another wife. And final reason, not sure if you could call it True Love, but I was attached to her.

I told you that one of the aborted children was mine. That one we should have kept. Why no condoms? No one used them in my day. How did I feel about the abortions? It was a necessary evil.

ME: Did you have any idea that I suffered from PTSD from what you did to me – abandoning me – & it affected all my relationships with men – for the worse? Each time I’d fall in love I had such anxiety that I chased the man mercilessly, which drove them away, & so, all the relationships that might have been good, like the one with James Brown, who I loved so much & he liked me – turned sour. Did you know your actions ruined my love life?

DAD: No, I had no idea. I didn’t know much about psychology. At the time you pleaded for me to take you I was so absorbed in my own pain, of having been cuckolded & finally rejected, I felt so sorry for myself that I had no emotion left for you. Sorry about that.

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ME: When you visited at the farm you were doing a lot of work, agricultural & such, like taking the lingonberry bushes, separating them, replanting them so more would grow. You did lots of work, you talked about starting a Lithuanian Boy Scout camp there. How long did you entertain the thought of moving in with us, when did the dreams shatter, why did you never move in, what happened?

DAD: She lied to me for about two years, that I should arrive there until she finally told me the truth, that she didn’t want me around any more. It really hurt. She lied for money, she feared I would give less if she said we were through, & she was right. She paid for her sins. She suffered, she worked hard, & in her frustration & pain, she let it all out on you. Now that I see it from your mind, it was like all the forces of Hell were unleashed on you. She’d not rest until every person under her influence hated & disrespected you – you did not deserve this. The hate lives on in other members of the family. It’s ugly.

ME: Shall I recall your mind to when I visited you in Purgatory, & it was bilocation, an experience that I never had before or after. I was the only one that visited you. Instead of telling me how sorry you were for abandoning me – which was what I hoped to hear, after I asked you if anyone else visited you, you said,

“Who needs them?”

Then I said, were you sorry for anything in your life, you said yes, that you should have received The Blessed Sacrament more often. Indeed, I don’t think you went to Church any more after you split with Mom & we left the Annunciation Church, etc. There was a Church right by where you lived in B’klyn also I think called Annunciation, a Lithuanian Church – you could have found fellowship. I used to go there every day. Why did you not go?

And second, I didn’t mean much to you, did I? That in my visit to Purgatory, you said nothing about me or us.

DAD: I was a fool. Going to Church was as much a social event as anything – I was not devoted. So don’t feel bad about my not loving you enough – I didn’t love God enough, so how could I love you? You loved God & me much more than I did you & God. I was a little soul, not a Great Soul. You saw me in Heaven & smiled. You had to bend down to greet me, I was like 3′ tall, you were 6′ like Joan of Arc. Haha. But I was not evil like your Mother, I cannot explain my lack of greatness as a Saint, I just didn’t have it.

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ME: I worshiped you as if you were a saint & the greatest love of my life, & you broke my heart. I cannot describe the anguish I felt at the age of 10. My life was over. I even temporarily lost my faith in God, I told my friends, ‘I’m not sure any more if there is a God.’ Of course, my faith returned. But I vowed I would never draw again, & over the years I lost the skill {not the talent – the talent went in other directions, like dancing & photography.}

ME: Now that you’re in Heaven, you must be so much wiser. What do you think on how my life turned out in spite of all the obstacles?

DAD: Brilliantly. I had a great daughter & I was loving & helpful to you until age 10, {later in life I did help also, when you were 16 for a year, & when you were 27 & moved back in with me.} I was responsible for much good that came to your life. I gave you my brains, a good constitution, good religious training, a good example & I told you to study. You were obedient, you studied constantly & it bore much fruit. I’m sorry for the abuse you took, the hate, the evil, the lack of love & recognition. But some day soon, even before you die, mighty things will happen, good things that will recompense you for some of the bad. And after you die, there is great Bliss awaiting you & you will do great good. People will believe in you & pray to you & answers will be given, miracles will happen. You have a great reward.

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ME: Thanks for those kind words Dad, they are appreciated. One last thing. Mom is there in a little house in Heaven, with Jimmy at her side. What is her Heavenly status compared to yours? You are 3′ tall, a little saint. What is she? And also, what is your status as far as Comprehension of God, how much Joy do you have? Also, what would have happened to Mom had I not offered to pay for her sins?

DAD: Her status compared to mine is very small. You cannot call her a saint, but she is a resident of Heaven & Jimmy is the same, just residents, they have no status – although as you know, everyone in Heaven is happy & they are, but compared to the Light you are in, as you once saw, they are in a dim light.

How much Joy do I have? Great joy, & I will greet you when you arrive & give you the Love I should have on earth.

What would have happened to Mom had you not intervened? I’m afraid she would have been lost, so thank God she made it & we both rejoice over that.

ME: Thanks Dad, & thank you for all the good you did me on earth, I am grateful for it. I love you. Amen.

end Chapter 5
………………………………………………………………………. 1-22-21

 

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