College of God & Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

NICK IN HEAVEN!

8-24-22 He in BRIGHT DAYLIGHT OPEN SKY

6^th day Holy Mass – He was in Purgatory for only 10 days! 2^nd shortest Purgatory for anyone I ministered to!

The shortest one ever was a

lady named Brenda, recently, who spent only 1 day in Purgatory for one forgotten sin!

Is he in Heaven?

I was doing something – what? Look below after this dream – it came back. Next thing I know I am looking at a wide open, huge field. Big sky, all super green on the bottom, & in the middle of this field stands Nick. He looks healthy & the sun is so bright, his skin is dark as if from a tan. He looks handsome.

Alongside him is a smaller person, to his left, & a tiny person to his right, child size. I wonder, is this his gf & child?

Meaning:

*** (FIELD, OPEN, GREEN, GOOD FEELING: It seems that Nick has been cleansed & is now in his Heaven. The dreams following this he is the Asian man & the military man. It looks like I PAID to get him here – has to be the Holy Masses.

None of these people who were mourning for him ever mentioned praying for his soul or getting Masses for him, & most of them are Christians. So I was the only one that I know of literally helping him with true spiritual help. Yes, they grieved, yes, they gave money & the charity counts. But I did the most Powerful thing for his soul.

This CANNOT BE PURGATORY because Purgatory has always a CLOSED SPACE, be it a building, cave, or overhead sky that stops. But this is the open sky, & the green under one’s feet is LIFE. Purgatory is usually colorless, drab, & dim. This is so bright it looks like he got a tan from it! It’s Heaven!} ***

Prior to that, I was listening to a long 2 or more hour audio tape on those old fashioned tape machines. I heard Nick, & he said re me,

“Yes, she had consecrated part of my brain” {words are vague} meaning I had an influence on his brain, I touched it.

I wanted to keep that tape preserved, it was precious.

I wake up in wonder & go back to sleep. Maybe the next dreams will help solve this.

These Dreams Explain that I Paid for His Happiness –

The Poor Women, Woman, in both dreams are his girl friend who is MOURNING / CRYING, & the second person is his 3 year old son. This is saying I STOPPED THEIR TEARS, they are now happy WITH HIM because he is IN HEAVEN – & obviously this is in their souls, it’s probably UNCONSCIOUS – But if he’s in Heaven then their souls are at peace, not in misery.

1^st Dream: I’m in a house with my middle-aged Asian Dad {like around 50-55} – he’s short, his skin looks pasty & has a couple bumps on it – is standing to my left facing straight so his left side is to me, he’s higher up, I might be sitting. It seems he’s DEPENDENT on me financially because he says to me,

“Please see to it these 2 bills are paid,”

and I pick them up & look at them – they seem innocent enough {I didn’t want Dad doing anything extravagant or using me} but then I say

“Hey, I’m not paying for these two young concubines {word is vague, could be gf’s or wives} for you!”

And he says,

“But they are BEAUTIFUL!”

How weird can it get? Next thing I know they are here, & they were so poor that being here, me paying their way, Dad gets their company, worked out alright.

*** {ASIAN, PASTY FACE/SKIN WITH BUMPS: This reminds me a bit of how Nick looks in his latest images. He’s gained weight & yes, in the past – when I photographed him he had a couple bumps like adult acne – very slight. But his skin looks slightly like that in his latest pictures. Second clue is he’s ASIAN & that DEFINITELY means in my vocabulary A RESIDENT OF HEAVEN OR A SPIRITUAL, HOLY BEING. This says he has ascended {another hint, he’s higher than me, looking forward & me being on his left, is he’s left me behind on earth, he’s ascended into heaven} & by his ascension he has brought happiness to his little family of girlfriend & 3 year old son. This reminds me of when Errol Flynn, after he’d been in Heaven through my ministry for years, used me or my ‘office’ on earth, to life up his last wife & girl friend from Purgatory into Heaven, lol, on the same day.

Him being DEPENDENT on me is obviously when he was in Purgatory, this underscores their position in relation to us, they cannot give, only receive from us, so he’s asking me to make sure I PAY FOR his little fam to be with him! But I must also add that the saints in Heaven – those who are ascended – use us, the Church Militant – to help other souls, raise them up out of Purgatory. These persons are in a Purgatorial state on earth, so maybe this applies to earth as well.} ***

Next thing I know I’m in another household & the man I am with is in the MILITARY, some kind of OFFICER. He’s going to USE HIS RANK to get a beautiful young woman – maybe a private – commissioned to live with us so he can have sex with her! It might even be two of them, but I physically see only one.

We have an EXTENDED apt, large, with several bedrooms, comfortable. When this female arrives she is BAWLING – crying real loud as she doesn’t want o be here! She’s tall, young, has flowing hair framing her face – I feel sorry for her & feel my man friend, is taking advantage of his position.

But the strange thing is once again, she adjusts & seems to like the arrangement. My man friend is to the left in the room, I have something to do with this but not sure what. It was all done FOR HIM.

*** {MILITARY MAN USES HIS RANK: Rank is influence, pull or someone in a higher position. This could be saying that Nick, in his position as my Beloved can use me {I am the Church Militant in the Catholic definition} to bring his girl friend {common law wife} & child out of their misery into his Heavenly state. I am showing a very slight indignation as I am in love with Nick, but basically go along with it. OK, so he wants to bring them into his Heaven, fine, let’s do it.

And so basically he is now HAPPY IN HEAVEN & wants to make sure we get his girl friend & child into happiness as well. In the dreams you see them in misery, crying, at first, but then they stop & are satisfied.

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets

Nicholas Speaks

8-19-22 Meditation & Channeling Nicholas

Said a Holy Mass for him today – no doubt the first time he’s ever received the Body & Blood of Jesus & Mary

Where do I begin?

There’s what he & I are talking about, there’s reviews of our relationship. There’s list of hurts from him to me – why? {He wanted to hurt another woman, a caregiver, who didn’t protect him, but he can’t. So he takes it out on me} And from me to him, only to make him jealous, never to hurt.

There’s explanations of what it means for him to be, so to speak, ‘inside me,’ I’m him, he’s me, we are joined as they say, {like Cathy said in Wuthering Heights, ‘I AM Heathcliff!’}

“What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”

These are not EMPTY WORDS. Indeed, they are said in the wedding ceremony for many, some of who end up killing each other. Some have bitter divorces where each just wants the money they can get out of it. There are all sorts of recriminations & evil after those words for many.

But in a GENUINE marriage, it’s a Sacrament, which means something SUPERNATURAL takes place. And that is what cannot be dissolved, just like Baptism cannot disappear, neither can Confirmation, nor Holy Communion or Confession, or any meaningful Sacred ritual that is transacted between God & her creature.

Now that Nick is dead, the theater of life that he & I shared on earth is closed, a new theater starts. One explores this new place, while thinking what transpired? Now that it’s over all the pieces must fall into place, it looks different than before. There is no physical activity to be anticipated. We will never live together as ‘man & wife’ – he will never call me, we will never see each other’s bodies or make love. He will not hurt me nor I him.

Where do I begin? I’ve reviewed in the past so many times what happened between us that my friends got sick of it & shushed me up. I was obsessed, which I now see as ‘addiction.’ I was addicted to him as strongly a he was addicted to drugs. Getting over this ‘sickness’ of the flesh was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Had I not conquered this, I would be going through ‘withdrawal’ & horrendous grief right now – but I’m not. I already lost him when he made his decision for the drugs & drug buddies. Yes, we still made love, but he was not recognized as ‘mine’ – another woman graced his social media, it was accepted as the ‘right thing to do’ while I was seen as that which wasn’t right fell away – we hear no more of her – there was a ‘theater’ his friends believed in, no one questioned its appropriateness, no one complained or worried that this was a ‘drug enabling’ relationship. She was young & cute, that’s all that mattered.

I wrote to them I didn’t even know, – friends & family – pleading with them to help me get him into rehab. Little did I know that some of these people were addicts & dealers! Only one friend answered, denying Nick had a problem. I also asked him to put in ‘a good word’ for me – encourage Nick to be with me in a relationship & follow

my guidance. He answered that if Nick wanted to be with me, he would; there was no point in his intervening. Case closed.

This friend kept saying,

“You have no idea what he went through getting razzed about the pictures.”

Oh yes, the pictures. Those were taken to make him a star. I had a plan, but his ‘friend’s made it impossible. They made him turn his back on me. I was going to use those pictures, creating a book – which cost me thousands – with him as ‘America’s Most Beautiful Man’. This was to promote him, first as a model, then see where that could go– make him a celebrity, maybe movies. He could have used fame to jump start his rap music. He spent years with local yokels getting songs done – there was no hope of gold here, there’s millions of guys doing amateur night rap music – some are talented, but it takes more than that. Nick had incredible masculine beauty, a fantastic voice, made good songs, an imposing stage presence, BUT you have to have a manager, a plan, spend time & money. I was beginning to do that & his friends smashed the idea like pigs on books. Why? They didn’t understand it. The gutter was their comfort zone; they didn’t want Nick leveling up to leave them. When Nick & I were somewhat ‘open’ with our affair he became more of a ‘celebrity’ in their eyes than he’d ever been. Although they razzed him, the pics & book I created made him a legend – part of it being the size of his dick! The biggest dick in the hood, certainly on a handsome man, maybe some gorillas had one, but they were gorillas.

After we ‘fell out’ {but were still making love on & off, but I had given up on a public relationship nor him going into rehab} there were OPPORTUNITIES for reality TV shows, which I wrote him about, he ignored. So when the latest offer came in 2021 we’d not been speaking for 2 years. I didn’t have his phone – I did not even contact him the usual, convoluted way of having a friend message him on his face book. This deal would have made him a star & put me on the map again – they wanted our relationship televised, me being a Cougar. He would have got fame & fortune such as no one in the hood ever got – he forfeited that – there was no point in my writing him & getting rejected again. I suggested we use another guy – one of my models – but they said it had to be him, as it required a real love affair, not a front.

Thinking of these things makes me feel great frustration, let me get to other stuff. OK, our last conversation. I wish I had written down every word – but I didn’t, shall remember most of it. Since we’ll never speak again physically it’s now enshrined in my head.

He calls me June 2^nd, 2022. It’s the middle of the night, I am by the phone expecting a call from a sick friend, so I pick up.

Our Last Conversation June 2, 2022

God had told me 4 months previous that he would call near this day – I had forgot. So we talk. Here’s the subjects:

*** He wants to come over. Obviously to have sex. I am 30 miles from him. I ask how he’ll get here – he says he’ll find a way & I know he will. But I tell him it can’t be like it was, I will not be your back street woman. You have another female as your partner on social media. I have to

be your main woman, no more second fiddle. And besides that, for us to be together as live-ins, you must first go through rehab.

*** His 3 yr old son: He wants his son to be better than him, he says something like look at me, I’m not that much, my son has to be better. {I was going to shame him before, like what if your son follows in your footsteps & becomes an addict? But I didn’t want to hurt him.}

*** The past: I explained to him that in the past when I was making out with guys in front of him or leaving the club with them I was doing it to make him jealous. I rarely ever took them home, maybe one out of 10 guys he saw me with did we have sex. {He did much worse hurtful things to me I will explain elsewhere, this was my way of getting back, but nothing worked with Nick, he was hopeless. When I hurt him by pretending like this he’d find a way of hurting me twice as bad next time. All I wanted was his love, his attention. But he could not give me it, 90% of the time in public he ignored me, but he gave attention to other women.}

*** I told him the truth, that since I last made love with him in July 2019, I had not slept with another guy & I didn’t want to. My sex drive went away. He said it’ll come back. I knew he was right if we started up again.

*** Do you still love me? I asked. He said, like he’d said before, that he loved ‘everyone.’ That was not music to my ears. I told him I still loved him & always would.

*** I again explained to him we were spiritually married – it had happened April 21, 2019 – God showed me the vision. I told him about it when I saw him, the last time we made love July 14, 2019. {So glad I keep all imp events on my calendars! And when he & I made love, that day has red hearts & fireworks.}

The way it happened – we had not seen each other for 7 months. He wrote a song for me ‘Cocaine & Broken Bottles’. I wrote down the lyrics, carried them in my purse {still have them there} & would read them to friends. This told of his repentance & misery, that he’d made mistakes, that he was ‘waiting in the rain – some things never change’ {probably outside my apt when I wasn’t there} & ‘here’s my heart to take’ etc. Of course we re-united & his being sorry & my ACCEPTING him, that’s a FIAT or AGREEMENT, like a contract, & it was ratified by God. I saw two white, soft cloths that united & there was no seam. {Sacrament of Marriage} It became One. And there was a small laurel wreath on it as an emblem – symbol of victory. Finally, the dream after July 10, 2011 came true. It said this was my husband, but it would be ‘A slow boat to China.’ So that’s 8 years.

I told him that in spiritual marriage, we are united FOREVER. Even when we die, we’re still together.

*** The song he wrote about me which led to our Mystical Marriage, was the only time he ever appeared in a public place & performed it, along with some other songs of that time.

*** We spoke of DEATH. I told him that my heart was bad, I also had pain when I walked. I said I could die any day. He said, ‘It’s more likely I’ll die before you.’

We spoke for an hour & a half, it was from 3:44 am to 5:15am.

I’ll Now Channel – Speak to Him Actually, He’s with me, it’s more than mind reading

ME: Nick, there are so many things on my mind it’ll take a week to discuss them all with you. The pieces of the puzzle have fallen together & I understand our dilemma. If you got yourself straightened out, went into rehab, got clean, moved in with me, could you have been happy? And myself also?

HE: Anything could have been. Might not have been perfect but overall yes, we would have been happy. The difficult part was leaving the people of drugs, their mentality, their hold on me. They had me in a vice. I’d been friends with them since kindergarten. Whether they were good or bad, they controlled me. I was afraid of them,

of leaving them, like leaving a religion you’re brainwashed in.

ME: And the person you lived with, did you actually love her in True Love? On Halloween, when she struck the beer from my hand, you came over & told me you loved her. I knew you didn’t – not the way you loved me, but of course it was confusing. When you saw me you’d say,

‘Don’t mess up my deal with her.’

You often pretended you weren’t with her any more, that you were ‘talking’ {code word for fukking} to another girl, this one or that one. I believed you, but it was strange, I was no longer jealous. I knew they meant nothing.

What was ‘the deal?’

HE: She enabled me for drugs, you know that, you’ve known it all along. Because of her I could do drugs regularly where I couldn’t afford them before, that was it.

ME: Was death your way out? How did our last conversation affect you, did it make you lose hope of being with me for sex, therefore, never seeing me again, & you didn’t want to live?

HE: I didn’t care. It’s not like I sat down & said I’m going to kill myself. I didn’t care then if I lived or died, if living was without you, then life would be unbearable. Suddenly I saw, when I lost you, that you were all I lived for – the center of my life, my love. I didn’t love anyone else. But I could not leave these people, so that was it. Between a rock & a hard place, the only way out is to die.

ME: But you could have called again & again, tried to persuade me to see you. Why did you accept it as final? And when you didn’t call after that, I did not call you now that I had your # on my caller return – because I promised God not to chase you. And after you didn’t call for a month, I just waited on God’s will.

HE: I’m a weak guy, I’m not like you. I’m a vagabond, a joker, I float downstream. I’m not strong enough to do like you do, I’m a pushover.

ME: Was there anything I could have done t prevent your death?

HE: If you continued having sex with me, it might have prolonged my death for years, but sooner or later on drugs, I would have OD’d. It wasn’t God’s will that I kept using you like that. You gave me an ultimatum at one point. You said you wanted a relationship, that I had to make up my mind. That I should have sex with all the girls I wanted, & when I’d had enough, decide, choose which one.

Eventually, I chose Ruth-Anne {not her real name}. It was because she was a drug enabler, that suited me fine. You were pushing for rehab, she was pushing just say yes to drugs. So I said yes to her. I made my choice.

After 9 months apart I couldn’t stay away from you & we joined up again & kept going until the Covid thing hit & you couldn’t come downtown, as all the places we hung out were closed – one spot that was open you were blocked– that’s where I used to hang out. You didn’t know where to hang out for us to meet. {I had never given you my phone, I had blocked you on face book!} Then your legs began to hurt badly & you didn’t know what to do, things went South for you, so you never came downtown again. You kept waiting for me to call. I sent you my picture on your cell phone once on Nov 28, 2019 – but you didn’t see it until Jan 2020 because you never used your cell phone. I was SNEAKY & did not put a return address! So I could say I didn’t do it!

ME: That’s one of those things that doesn’t make sense about you. What were you afraid of? And the last time you called I had your #, you did not hide it. Why was that? Why were you no longer afraid of what you had feared before?

HE: I was afraid of everyone & everything, I’m paranoid about being ridiculed or criticized. So I tried to hide our relationship half the time, the other half I couldn’t. Also, for a long time you were obsessed & you would follow me to parties & wait outside all night, or else you wrote all my friends, even my Mom. A lot of people wouldn’t accept you – that’s what I was afraid of.

Why I did not hide my # the last time I called? Because you weren’t pursuing me any more, so I took a chance. And sure enough, you never called back. I had been so long without you, I had become desperate – I needed to be that way to treat you properly – but it was too little too late. I was trapped.

ME: OK, so I was obsessed. I would not have been if you were just nice to me, gave me your number & spoke to me regularly & saw me regularly. But you treated me like shyt because you knew you could. You saw me when it was convenient for you – you did that to other girls, they told me about it. But I was the one you loved, you could have been better to me. How did my being obsessed work for you? And when I stopped being obsessed & stopped chasing you I had many dreams of you being unhappy, just totally wiped out & spaced out.

HE: That I was. When you wee obsessed it gave me security, when you stopped, I was lost. That was my Purgatory, that’s why I don’t need any other Purgatory, I’m in Heaven now with you.

ME: I was so abandoned by you & God forbid me to chase you any more. We made a deal – God & I. I was to stop chasing you, pursuing you. Only when you seemed near suicide, I sent you a message through a friend. When you got the message finally, is when you did call & you wrote about me in several songs. My dreams showed you in despair. I was honestly afraid you’d kill yourself, & in fact, you did.

Should I have agreed to see you in the future? Would that have prevented your OD’ing?

HE: The dye was cast. We spoke on this before. It was not God’s will you keep being the sacrificial lamb for me. We came to the end. Yes, I had to die. There was no way out for me. I would have tortured you again if I got my way, honestly. You would have waited & waited again, your poor mind devastated when I did what I felt like doing. It would have knocked you out of your serenity & ability to finish your books & do your work. I was poison to you, unless I had done what you asked. It could not be my way – my way was a bad road.

ME: OK, got it. Now a bit about the present. You’re dead body wise. You have left Ruth-Anne, all the lowlife’s, the fake friends, those who abused you, the don’t cares, the never cared but I’m sure there’s some good people there, I’m just naming the bad ones.

You have hundreds of people thinking about you, posting on social media, praising you, mourning & grieving, wishing you peace, posting images & videos of you. It’s pandemonium. And these same people did not help you get off drugs, some enabled you to be on them, & it bothered me when you put songs on they either ignored them or put a few likes, but not many. They did not encourage you.

They are talking about you ‘the life of the party,’ how funny you were, how lively, the smiles, lighting up a room, etc., on & on. How is all this affecting you?

HE: Not well, it’s disturbing my peace. These well wishers, most of them did not love me in real life, not true love. They used me for laughs & entertainment, they didn’t care about my pain, they never thought about it. They did not even try to see behind the mask. You know the story of the depressed man?

Zampano was the greatest clown in his country, everyone marveled at him in the circus. A man, extremely depressed, went to a doctor & asked for help. The doc said,

‘Try to relax & be happy. Go see Zampano, the clown.’

And the man said,

“I am Zampano.”

You were the only one who saw behind the mask, that’s why you were worried. You knew that without drugs, I wanted to kill myself. You knew I had been abused, I told you once, so did my brother, but then I denied it later. I didn’t want anyone to know, I was ashamed, afraid, I hid it, I denied it, I clowned around a lot to pretend. And once I got on drugs, that was my downfall, & that’s when I was great entertainment, drunk, marijuana & cocaine – maybe other stuff – & I made everyone laugh. They all loved Nick, the clown, the vagabond, the crazy guy, I made everyone laugh, I was loud, hahah, lol. But you were always aware of the pain inside.

And so now, as you read all these posts it bothers you. And because it bothers you, it troubles me. I want you happy. And also, they are thinking about me so they are sending their low vibes into my Higher Space. It’s like bombarding my classical music radio station with hard Metal Rock or terrible static. This will go on until these clowns forget me. Some are sending grieving vibes to me, it’s negative. It’s disturbing my serenity. They were attached to me, they want me, they are trying to pull me down. I feel like rocks hitting our residence, static hitting our airwaves, hard metal rock interfering with our classical, sublime music.

Where I am with you is peaceful, Heavenly & Godly. They aren’t there, so their attention is assaulting me.

And you can’t help but check the media & it’s bothering you & therefore me, as we are One.

Most of these people will forget me in a month, until then we hang on. Some women will grieve longer, some men, a few people, male & female were infatuated with me. It’s attachment, it’s not spiritual love. So it is not pleasant for me to feel this, & they are NOT helping me in any way, they can’t – they can’t help themselves.

When they say they are praying – most of them are doing words. It’s not in their heart. Their prayers, if any, probably take 30 seconds. The fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much, but the lukewarm prayer of the unrighteous avails nothing. Few of them are giving me any spiritual support, maybe one or two, that’s it. So hang on, Rasa, the stoning will stop in about a month. Most of them will forget & then we will find the Peace they say they want for me.

For IMAGES of my spiritual husband, whose real name is Nicholas Anthony Van Dunk, see the Shiva Shrines ‘Venus, Adonis-Rasa, Jeffry’ & ‘the Holy Grail of Manhood <> Jeffrey Michelangelo’ These shrines exemplify my love for him from day one & give some insights – A most relevant fact is that from the beginning I encouraged him to go into rehab. His ‘friends’ were against me & my advise – These ‘friends’ are all posting on his face book after death, saying how much they loved him. But most of them discouraged him from being with me & taking the guidance I gave. I PREDICTED over & over if he didn’t quit the drugs he would die of an overdose. But sadly, he chose his path & now he is dead - if only his friends helped me with him, this could have been avoided. But they PRESSURED him to leave me & applauded his negative relationships.

Like wolves, they howled for him to stay with the pack. But now their tails should be between their legs. The happy side of this is he has left them, his body is gone. But he is with me spiritually, metaphysically, he is not dead, he is alive with me. We are happy. He loves me, I love him, in True Love. He had to die to leave them, he saw no other way; he did not have the strength to defy the demons for me.

These shrines I had put up about Nick in 2014 & 2015, I removed due to his complaints – as his friends wee razzing hm – & just now I put them back up. He is dead, they can’t harass him any more, he & I are now free to love one another & share our love for eternity. We are happy. I can’t say this to everyone as they are so shallow they will not have the least understanding, some of these people are less than animals – animals are good.

From friend Pete Jackson in response to my complaints about his ‘friends’ who didn’t want me with him, denied he was ever abused & took drugs to mask the pain, denied he was an addict, denied that I could help him personally or career wise, etc:

As for the people that knew him being in such denial (if not outright enablers) about his drug addiction problem and such, that was probably because either a) they were fake friends who literally didn’t care at all if he lived or died, b) they were simply far too selfish and self-centered to do anything about it, or c) they simply didn’t want to believe such a thing was true because the very idea scared the crap out of them, and perhaps they thought they could just wish it all away. The same goes for the denial about Xxxxx abusing him as well.

College of God & Love, Core Tenets, SHAKTI AND SHIVA, TANTRA SEX, Shrine to Shiva

He Died to be With Me

My Spiritual Husband – which means REAL husband – has died of a drug overdose on 8-14-22 … He was home with a drug partner – This

lovely person might have watched him take the

final dose.

He chose another instead of me & rehab, he wanted to keep me as his ‘back door woman’ with her up in front on social media but I said ‘no more,’ it’s either her or me. He had no way out

but death as he didn’t have the strength to leave the drugged-up ‘friends’ & benighted partner

Continue to Channel 8-17-22

For IMAGES of my spiritual husband, whose real name is Nicholas Anthony Van Dunk, see the Shiva Shrines ‘Venus, Adonis-Rasa, Jeffry’ & ‘the Holy

Grail of Manhood <> Jeffrey Michelangelo’ These shrines exemplify my love for him from day one & give some insights – A most relevant fact is that from the beginning I encouraged

him to go into rehab. His ‘friends’ were against me & my advise – These ‘friends’ are all posting on his face book after death, saying how much they loved him. But most of them

discouraged him from being with me & taking the guidance I gave. I PREDICTED over & over if he didn’t quit the drugs he would die of an overdose. But sadly, he chose his path

& now he is dead - if only his friends helped me with him, this could have been avoided. But they PRESSURED him to leave me & applauded his negative relationships.

Like wolves, they howled for him to stay with the pack. But now their tails should be between their legs. The happy side of this is he has left them, his body is gone. But he is

with me spiritually, metaphysically, he is not dead, he is alive with me. We are happy. He loves me, I love him, in True Love. He had to die to leave them, he saw

no other way; he did not have the strength to defy the demons for me.

These shrines I had put up about Nick in 2014 & 2015, I removed due to his complaints – as his friends wee razzing hm – & just now I put them back up. He is dead, they can’t harass

him any more, he & I are now free to love one another & share our love for eternity. We are happy. I can’t say this to everyone as they are so shallow they will not have the least

understanding, some of these people are less than animals – animals are good.

From friend Pete Jackson in response to my complaints about his ‘friends’ who didn’t want me with him, denied he was ever abused & took drugs to mask the pain, denied he was an addict, denied that I could help him personally or career wise, etc:

As for the people that knew him being in such denial (if not outright enablers) about his drug addiction problem and such, that was probably because either a) they were fake friends who literally didn’t care at all if he lived or died, b) they were simply far too selfish and self-centered to do anything about it, or c) they simply didn’t want to believe such a thing was true because the very idea scared the crap out of them, and perhaps they thought they could just wish it all away. The same goes for the denial about Xxxxx abusing him as well.

My article: Been speaking to him constantly & learning lots re him, some new things from his POV & he from mine. In this sort of ‘channeling’ it’s more than the usual that I do, he’s actually united to my soul as mate. In some cases of channeling I’m reading minds, the person isn’t even aware that I’m doing it.

But with Nick, since he is joined as my spiritual husband, by God, he’s in my space, I’m in his & he reads me like I read him & we are truly communicating.

His no longer having a body, but both of us being happier than ever, reminds me of the story of Abelard & Heloise:

What happened between Abelard and Heloise?

In 1115 Abelard met Heloise, who was living with her uncle, Fulbert at the Îls de Cité. At this point, she was likely in her early twenties, and Abelard decided to seduce her, offering her uncle to tutor her. At this point, she was known to be a brilliant scholar and well-versed in Latin, Greek and Hebrew. He, on the other hand, was 37 years old and in his prime as a teacher of philosophy and theology. Unfortunately, the affair ended in pregnancy and Abelard had her removed to his family home in Brittany, where she gave birth to a son, named Astrolabe. After having married her in secret, he sent Heloise to a convent at Argenteuil to protect her. Soon after, Fulbert organised a band of men, who broke into Abelard’s room, where he was castrated. As a consequence, Abelard decided to become a monk and persuaded Heloise to enter religious life. Their story, and what followed is known from his autobiographical writings, the Historia Calamitatum, seven letters between Abelard and Heloise, and four letters between Peter the Venerable and Heloise (three by Peter, one by Heloise). Also, we possess a collection of “lost love letters” which has been argued to be fragments of the illicit correspondence, which they engaged in during the winter of 1115 – 16.

Theirs was a very carnal affair! No doubt about that. For one thing, a son was born of the illicit lovemaking. Yet, the story of Abelard and Heloise is also a story of how – in a medieval context – love might be so much more than sex (amor).

……………………………………………….

And so, God reminds me of this famous love affair because now, Nick is with me sans his body & penis, we cannot have sex – Sex was almost all we did while together – he would not openly court me because he was afraid of his peers, the ‘hood,’ & later other women. They were all against me. The majority of his friends were drug addicts & they were like a pack of wolves, ridiculing him for loving me, for the pics I took of him, shaming him for wanting a much older woman (He was 19, I was 66 when we began our love. It was July 10, 2011. I shall never forget the date.)

Of course, it could be seen many times he was after me in the clubs we frequented, but he did not permit images of us together, he did not put me on social media. Sometimes he introduced me to people as ‘his girl friend’, sometimes he hid from me & denied me – it was a horrendously stressful time for me as I was deeply in love.

So was he but he tried not to show it & his odd behavior caused at least one friend to say of him he was ‘crazy.’ {I was standing around outside in the Garden area of Uncle Tony’s. He sent a guy to go get me to dance with him – the guy came over & said Nick asked him to come get me to go to him. I told him it was no use, Nick would run away when I approached. The guy insisted, so I said, let’s go, you will see. We come up to Nick, I have my arm around the guy. Nick gets mad at the guy, tells him why is he touching me? The guy says – ‘She’s touching me, you’re crazy,’ & walks away. We had a short conversation in which Nick said wittily that he & ‘girls’ didn’t mix. I

said who do you mix with? He said ‘I mix with scotch, whiskey etc.’ – something like that. He was indirectly telling me he liked older women, not girls.

Another time we’re at ‘Flashbacks’ – a large dance floor. He keeps looking at me but won’t approach. I know approaching him is fatal, so I go up to another handsome guy. At that point he gets very close – like from 25’ away to 10’ away, trying to distract me from the guy. Then he asks another guy to get me to dance with him. I approach & he runs around the post in the club, round & round we go. Later he waited for me in the parking lot & jumped into my car.

There were times, when he simply approached me & asked me to go with him. The firs time was right on the street in front of the club, the next time was in the club & I said,

“What are you doing tonight?”

{It had been a long time since our first date. He’d cut his hair, grew a beard, I didn’t know he was the same guy! Three years had gone by we’d not seen each other – they told him I was dead!}

His answer, ‘Being with you’

& off we went.

But his common routine was not to stand with me or speak with me in public but wait for me to go to my car & secretly approach. And in the end, his most common ploy was go to the window of my 2^nd floor apt, make noise, throw pebbles to my window, shine a light up from his phone. I’d get up out of bed & go open the locked front apt door & was ecstatic to see him. I always went into a trancelike state when we were near, especially when we were alone & about to make love. He never wasted one moment on that.

We had a major falling out because of the pictures I took of him & put on the internet. I paid him as a model, they are professional images both dressed, naked & erotic. They were on my site, ‘Embodiment of God’ & I put the dressed ones on face book. His peers ridiculed him & razzed him mercilessly, he asked with me to take them down but I would not. Two years later, I took most of them down. Meanwhile he would not speak to me for 9 months.

I was heartbroken; he got himself a new gf who was also a druggie. They all were, it’s hard to find one that wasn’t. He was never faithful to one. He always had some girl or other he was having sex with along with the regular steady. But he was not in love with every girl.

It’s tedious for me to write these things as I’ve done so a hundred times. Perhaps I can swing back to it bit by bit. Let me get to the now & our channeling.

He is dead, as of 2 days ago. I had to get over the grief because he’s sitting inside me & he said it took away some of his bliss. I am concerned for his happiness, so I reprogrammed my brain to realize he is here, he is happy, I must also be. He’s not dead, he said. But he is dead TO THEM.

He’s expressing to me again & again how he could not leave them no matter how much he wanted to. The people in his hood he’s known since kindergarten. They are posting pictures – dozens of them – from back when they were 10-11 years old in school. These people are a mob, the majority of them think alike, feel alike. A large percent are druggies, in fact, those he hangs with the most all are – this is true of all druggies & alcoholics, birds of a feather flock together.

This mob of ‘friends’ are mostly against me. Indeed there might be a couple who believed in our love – I had them tell me, but most of them were against us for various reasons, the main one, I wanted him in rehab, I said it again & again, that he would die if this kept up, but he didn’t believe me. Every druggie thinks he’s the one that will not overdose, but they do.

Now I see his dilemma, not having the strength to do as I asked.

He called me recently, after not speaking for a super long time. In fact, he almost never called me, in his entire life, I think it was 3 times. He would not give me his phone, but he gave it to every other girl he met!

God told me 4 months previous he would call me on June 2^nd, 2022, & he did! Lucky I was awake & by the computer & phone. It was 3:44 – a call from a number unfamiliar – I usually ignore such calls but someone I knew was ill & I was afraid it might be about them, so I pick up. It’s Nick & we’ve not spoken since last time we made love – July 2019.

We speak until 5:15 – 1.5 hours. He tells me he wants to see me, he’ll find a ride to my house, which is 28 miles away. I tell him I can’t go on like we were before – him putting his gf on social media as the ‘one’ like a wife, while I’m the back door woman. I said I have to be the one he honors on face book – not her. And for us to live together, he would first have to go into rehab as I cannot live with an addict. He denies being an addict – I know he’s lying. I know the female he’s with is an addict also, that’s what keeps the relationship going. We kind of go in circles as we speak, going back to the same issues. He wants to see me, I’m not crazy about the idea. Of course, now in retrospect I regret not inviting him. Wow, how I regret. Hindsight hurts.

Now in speaking to him I will discuss the most troublesome questions. This is different from channeling, because he is right here, inside me. As I go about my duties day & night, he sees through my eyes & sometimes, not often, makes comments. He is perfectly content here, he is believe it or not, not bored, not eager to see his old friends, including any women. He does not miss anything of his prior life. He’s joyful being here, as amazing as it sounds. He did say ‘If only I still had a body, I’d like to make love to you’ & we both laughed. Our love is just as strong without the physical expression or presence. In fact, I loved him so much that I became celibate after our last meeting – simply having no desire whatever for other men. I’d rather not do it, it’s like desecrating my Sacred space to be with another man.

We spoke about that on the phone. I told him I’d not been with another man since him, that I lost my sex drive. He said,

“It’ll come back.”

I also spoke about our spiritual marriage, that we are One & can never be separated & that we would be One in eternity, after death. He said several times – can’t recall in what context – that ‘You are Anointed.’ So let me speak to him.

ME: Nick, I am troubled now that I did not let you come over during our last conversation. What would have happened had I let you?’

NICK: It would have been the same as before. It would have rekindled your extreme desire & you would have again waited weeks & weeks to hear from me, with baited breath, until I’d call & come over when I was good & ready.

You had suffered through that so many years – you would have started to suffer again. I was selfish, I did not understand your suffering because I was so self absorbed. And so, it would have been great for me but terrible for you. I would have got what I wanted, you would not have. It might have shortened your life.

ME: Yes, I agree. But would it have prevented your death?

NICK: Rasa, it was not what God wanted. You can’t be tortured that way any more. You gave me an ultimatum, I could not keep it. You’d given me years to straighten out, I could not summon he courage to do it. You struggled against yourself & got over the addiction to me. It took every ounce of what was in you, but you did it. Like you told me, you still loved me & always would, but you were no longer obsessed. To become obsessed or addicted again to seeing me would have taken a terrible price from you.

Like I said, it was not what God wanted. God tried to make me straighten out by sending you to me. Yu gave me a chance, you suffered like a dog at my hands. You got the multiple heart attacks, your life was shortened somewhat & not as comfortable. Your energy is zapped, your body hurts from all the stress. What did I care? I was just a young, brash guy using you for love – I was getting my monthly fix from you, you filled me up with so much Light I didn’t need another refill for a months. But you suffered.

Again, I repeat, this is not what God wanted any more. You’d had enough.

ME: OK. You put up such a good front, I see now. You posted again & again about what God had taken from you. I will retrieve, when I have time, all the remarks I believe pertained to me. Were they about me – where you spoke again & again what the devil did or what God had taken away?

NICK: All your dreams were true, re my pain, horrible pain. Then you’d look at my fb & I was putting up a front like I cared about sports, music & all that crap – I didn’t. I was just pretending. My mind was on you & what I had lost.

At this point, since I wasn’t complying with your requests, you’d given up & just basically said maybe it’ll never happen, so be it, God’s will. But I wanted to be with you. Not one minute went by that I didn’t. You were the fulfillment of all my desires, as I was yours.

ME: Did you actually knowingly take your own life with that overdose?

NICK: It was unconscious. I could no longer live without you. I didn’t care about life. I did not protect myself, I was careless, & because of this, I died. Unconsciously I knew that when I died, I’d flip over to be with you. That’s what I wanted. I couldn’t do it any other way, I wasn’t strong enough. You had reviewed with me, as you had before, that we were joined by God & would be together forever. I believed you & it’s true. I entered your domain, your Kingdom, your spiritual space. And I am in bliss. You are Love. Not only love for me, you love all, you love animals, people & Souls in Purgatory. I’m in the middle of all that. How could I not be happy?

Me: But the people you had a good time with, don’t you miss them? You were the life of the party. Everyone – hundreds are posting on your site. They are putting pics & videos. They are ranting & raving about you. These same people put hardly any likes when you tried to sell or promote your music, yet they are all over you now you’re dead. If one looks at all the letters, images & videos, one would think you were in love with all these people.

NICK: This was all an act. I was lively like that after drinking & drugging. Without the substances, I felt my pain from the childhood abuse. You were conscious & aware of that pain, you were concerned. You knew that was why I was an addict. You wanted desperately to heal that pain, to get me off drugs as I was in danger of OD’ing. These people never guessed at my pain, were completely unaware. They are on a much lower level. They just wanted to have fun with me, use me for entertainment. It was shallow, it was fake, it was a burden. In the end I knew I wanted & needed that True Love you gave. I couldn’t have it any more, you weren’t addicted, I had to straighten out to have you. That was the kicker – I couldn’t do it.

I was looking how to heal my pain. The drugs were temporary, you were the permanent fix. But I had to make a choice. I kept procrastinating to what I had to do until it was too late. You couldn’t wait forever. So I died, that solved the problem. No one understands the situation but you. They look at the outside, they are on the physical, shallow plane.

They speak of me being in Peace. Yes, I am at Peace, little do they know. I can’t communicate with them, speak to them. They are on such a low level compared to where I am now with you, they cannot pick up my vibes, thoughts or words. I can’t communicate with them, they can’t hear me. We are in different worlds. Now I understand you fully & what you were trying to do, level me up, bring me out of there, save me. This is the way it has to be, it is God’s will. Be happy, no grief. I could not stand up against the entire neighborhood & my druggie friends, my only way out was death. So here I am. I love you, you love me, that’s all that matters, we are happy.

Don’t share this with them, they will piss & shit on our relationship, they will have no inkling of its value or Sacredness. This is for us alone & those few that will understand. Keep it Sacred & Secret, except for the more enlightened folks.

ME: Amen. We’ll continue talking & I will share again with the good folks. I will not reach out to your fake friends. Next time I want to express what suffering you went through after you believed you had lost me.

8-17-22 Nick appears as Errol Flynn, Deep kisses & later, a sex act

There were many & involved dreams, but I only recall the highlights, as for the last months I’ve not concentrated on dreams due to working on my life story. I learned that if I don’t focus on the dreams they fade away fast, so I’m trying to retrieve now what I can.

OK, so now Nick appears as Errol Flynn. He is BUYING ME A CAR but I can’t make up my mind what I want – used car, new car, just recall I wanted WHITE. I am so undecisive he gets frustrated & mad, I try to appease him, saying,

*** (ERROL FLYNN: You got in touch with Errol in Purgatory & ministered to him. He was famous as a great lover. You had a charismatic {Holy Spirit} union or relationship for the months you ministered to him. Nick was like that – a Holy Spirit relationship, but he was also in a ‘Purgatory’ over you. Not sure what this means as to how you frustrated him, but the WHITE is the MARRIAGE or RELATIONSHIP. You didn’t want JUST SEX, you wanted a relationship. You broke up with him because he would not commit at one time, he vomited from the car window. Was that 2015, for a few months? Later, you made up again & continued making love. This might be saying that when you would not give him sex he was frustrated & angry.) ***

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted.”

We are at the car dealership off to the side, he’s in a vehicle like in a driver’s seat, leaning back, I am like in the passenger seat. I calm him down. I kiss him – before that he was so sad he almost cried. We kiss softly & our tongues meet & we do this kissing for a long time, everything is SOLVED, we are reconciled, we are at peace

*** {TONGUE KISSING: This must be the reconciliation, all is well as you started up again.} ***

I have many dreams I forgot but the next thing I know he has a hardon & I am doing something sexual to him, he has an orgasm. It happened so fast. His entire body got hot, I could see outlines of red around his body, & feel it, he came to life so to speak & the orgasm was ready. There was no prolonged like stroking or humping, he was READY fast.

*** {READY FAST, HARDON, ORGASM, PEACE: This is your reconciliation NOW. You & he are back together, like Healthcliff & Cathy after along separation.

{She died & came back. She had married another man through a misunderstanding. Got sick & died in Heathcliff’s arms. He begged her to come back & haunt him. Someone saw him walking with a woman in the snow, in the field toward the heather where the two of them romped. Later they went there, there was only one set of footprints, his. It was metaphysical but real. They were united, happy finally. Same with you. He died, you are together at last.}

It’s metaphysical but real nonetheless. When people make love, energy passes through. It is that energy that is the most vital, not an empty physical act. When there is love in it, it has meaning, substance. So here you are, loving one another, reconciled, happy & at peace once again. All you needed was to make love, you are doing it.

Nick was no different than Cathy in ‘Wuthering heights. He forfeited you partially through a misunderstanding {in the book he thought she denied him, he ran away in the night. But he did not hear the words ‘I am Healthcliff’ meaning they were One, so it was a broken heart. You also saw him touting everyone but you on his face book – you felt ousted & betrayed, but wrongly so. The love between you was absolute. But he had hundreds of people – thousands – wanting him to stay in the standards of his society, which included drugs. You were the interloper or outcast who begged for his rehab, the way Heathcliff was to high society, originating as a waif of a boy from Liverpool. Healthcliff came back, it was too late. She could not leave her husband & society, she said she didn’t want to live any more, so she died. In the same way, when Nick found out you demanded that he leave his fake people, but he could not, his only way out was death. So he died, now he ‘haunts’ you but it isn’t spooky haunting, you are together more real than the flesh.} ***

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets

Till Death Puts us Together

8-13-22 Spiritual Husband Prophecy – I had no idea he would be DEAD the next day

For IMAGES of my spiritual husband, whose real name is Nick Van Dunk, see the Shiva Shrines ‘Venus, Adonis-Rasa, Jeffry’ & ‘the Holy

Grail of Manhood <> Jeffrey Michelangelo’ These shrines exemplify my love for him from day one & give some insights – A most relevant fact is that from the beginning I encouraged

him to go into rehab. His ‘friends’ were against me & my advise – These ‘friends’ are all posting on his face book after death, saying how much they loved him. But most of them

discouraged him from being with me & taking the guidance I gave. I PREDICTED over & over if he didn’t quit the drugs he would die of an overdoes young. But sadly, he chose his path

& now he is dead from an overdose - if only his friends helped me with him, this could have been avoided. But they PRESSURED him to leave me & be with his druggie friends &

partners. Like wolves, they howled for him to stay with them. But now their tails should be between their legs. The happy side of this is he has left them, his body is gone. But he is

with me spiritually, metaphysically, he is not dead, he is alive with me. We are happy. He loves me, I love him, in True Love. He had to die to leave them & be happy with me, he saw

no other way; he did not have the strength to defy all of them for me.

These shrines I had put up about Nick in 2014 & 2015, I removed due to his complaints – as his friends wee razzing hm – & just now I put them back up. He is dead, they can’t harass

him any more, he & I are now free to love one another & share our love for eternity. We are happy. I can’t say this to everyone as they are so shallow they will not have the least

understanding, some of these people are less than animals – animals are good.

I did NOT record this or several previous prophetic dreams because of being busy with my life story. Little did I know. Today is the 15^th, deep into the day of his death.

I see Nick standing there & his hair has turned completely grey & white & his eyes are so intense like ‘popped.’ His hair is frizzed & standing out from his head so that the entire hair & head forms a triangle with the wide part on top {upside down.}

* {HAIR LIKE SO: Extreme stress. Upside down triangle means his world is upside down, how he sees it. It’s not what he wants in life.} *

He had beckoned me & I, kind of shy, approached him & kissed him on the lips. His eyes are staring & an intense green.

He speaks to me passionately, meaningfully, but I was so tired of suffering from him I didn’t even write it down. He says,

“I will take you shopping tomorrow. Go there tomorrow, go shopping tomorrow.”

I had no idea what he was saying to me through this dream & I didn’t even let myself meditate on it. What did he mean, go shopping? If it had been years ago when I was obsessed I might have gone to Price Chopper or Wal Mart, knowing he lived near there – hoping I’d see him, but the obsession & it’s drastic suffering was over. I had to move on.

The FEELING in the dream is he has a lot of money & he’s going to BUY ME SOMETHING BIG.

…………………………………………..

MEANING: I need help, Mother God.

MG {Mother God}: He was reaching out to you in desperation announcing his death, telling you he will MEET YOU IN DEATH – go to MEET HIM.

What he will give you is HIMSELF.

In past dreams he gave you rings, gifts & married you spiritually. In real life he gave you sex & attention. This time he is giving up his body in order to leave behind all the things that separate you two. It is his lifestyle –

friends – girl friend – that he was not strong enough to leave in life, to be with you. But now he will give up his physical life, body / lifestyle of drugs / pressure of so-called friends / female who trapped him. By giving up his body he leaves them; now they cannot hold him, keep him, they cannot control him.

He is now telling you {in real life}

“Don’t think of me as dead. I am alive & with you. I am happy in the Heaven of your Soul. I will be with you FOREVER.”

ME: When I thought of the loss of his physical body at first I was shocked & horrified. But as he kept assuring me he is alive & with me, & the philosophy he explains, all my grief went away.

I see it now as HAPPINESS, not sorrow. They have lost him. They all kept him from me, but it was only his flesh they controlled. He has now deprived them, they have lost him, but I have not. My love has been True Love, of God; it is Spiritual, Powerful, Eternal. I have not lost but GAINED. That is the Gift he is talking about {that he will buy me}. Yes, Nick, I have met you. Here I am, we are together.

………………………………………

Tom Selleck dream – ‘Till Death Puts us Together’

Prior to that, I dreamed of him days before, in one, he was Tom Selleck & we were loving each other. It was so romantic, sweet & ecstatic. He was then preparing to meet with me through his death.

Tom Selleck is the symbol of pure & perfect Love, when one gives ALL OF THEMSELVES in the DIVINE STIGMATA, which I have obtained {martyrdom}. This is saying also that Nick has suffered the Divine Stigmata by losing me – {he’s been speaking of what he lost & what God has taken away from him on his Face Book for months, he also had me in several songs, two in the last months, recently calling me ‘the bitch I love the most – who was taken from me!’}as I have deprived him now for 3 years, & he recently called me, asking to see me. I told him it was not possible to carry on our affair as it was, while he lived with his gf & their child & stayed on drugs. He’d have to leave her for me to do sex again, & for us to be living together, he’d first have to go through rehab for the drugs.

He was unable to do these things – was not strong enough. The ‘hood’ of lowlifes held him back from me, he could not have his fake wife & me at the same time, I told him. So for him, it was the end. Death was the only way out! They say ‘till death do us part’ but for us it’s ‘till death puts us together.’

In beginning to channel him – there will be more to come, he says the following,

“I am happy now. There are no distractions, being with the people of the neighborhood. It was suffering. Waking up daily & all I had was them – not you. You led me to believe it wasn’t possible to see you, have sex, while I had the girl friend, & we could not live together as man & wife unless I got off the drugs. OK, I couldn’t do it. They held me by their power.

But now I left them. I don’t have to think about them, attend to them, waste my time with them. I am in the Ecstasy of your brilliant Heart, Mind & Soul. I am enjoying you – it’s Heaven. And I am happy at last!”

Other Dreams

I also dreamed about Arnold, which means success, but it was not the real Arnold but Nick – I would soon have the greatest success with him. Again, we were romantic & loving, I lost the details as I was too preoccupied to write it down. Little did I know how it would come about.

I did warn him over & over, during 11 years we knew each other, that drugs would bring him to an early death, but rehab, which is part of being with me, would save his life. But he could not do it.

PS I do not know how he died. No one yet seems to know, but I assume it was a drug overdose. All I know is 2 of his neighbors say they saw ambulances, fire engines & police on their street.

PS I mentioned but his body is now gone, I can never hold him again. He said joyfully,

“I’m glad I don’t have my body any more! It was all suffering without you! I don’t care about my body – I have your love & you mine. We are together, we are united & happy! My body was a BURDEN.”

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Mom’s Death

Chapter 11 – My Mother Dies 54 yrs old March 9, 1979

Mom contracted lung cancer from smoking. She never got fat, like most women do at middle age, she forestalled that with coffee & cigarettes, I rarely saw her eat, but she always had a cigarette & coffee by her side.

I’ve spoke so much about how I prayed & offered atonement to God for her, that I’ll skip all that here & move on to something else. But what? I explained how she abused me, mostly in Part 3. Perhaps an overview is in order.

Mom & Dad were opposites in character. He was kind, gentle & non violent. He had a conscience; you could trust him with your life savings & your life. He was forgiving. He thought everything out, an intellectual, a book worm, nice, like Chips in ‘Good Bye, Mr. Chips.’

She was the opposite. Mean, aggressive, punching people with fists – NOT big people or villains, the little people who were gentle like Dad, or myself being a child. I recall one memory, I am 5, she has him on the floor on hands & knees, sitting on his back, punching him with her fists – he does not fight back.

He called her a ‘Tartar,’ which means like Genghis Kahn – Lithuanians thought of Tartars as barbarians. The other name was ‘Hitler,’ both of these he said in jest – but they were true. She even looked the part. She was not an intellectual or bookworm, but did join the ‘Book of the Month Club’ to master English – all of which I read, at 10-12 yrs old. The first book was Daphne DuMaurier’s ‘Rebecca,’ then ‘Gone With the Wind.’

What was she like? All business, survival, no conscience. She did what she had to do, I recall no love but looking back, understand the only person she ever loved was my brother Jim –

{This did not stop her from blaming him for one of her pregnancies, lol – he was about 13. Every time she got pregnant she called it a ‘stomach tumor.’ She was sitting grimly one day seeking someone to blame, & she looks at Jim, & says,

“It’s your fault,”

and he whines in a high voice, like the coward he was,

“No, no, not my fault.”

I don’t know how she found the kitchen table abortionists – but she did, & afterward, I think that’s when she ended up in the hospital to finish the job, as once you’re bleeding, I guess they have to take you in.

I do not recall any affection to anyone – not to my Dad, not to her new guy Marius, not to any of us kids. She just talked & talked, brainwashing the other guys against Dad when they broke up – {which didn’t work on me, she hardly tried.} One time she gave me a

‘Paper Mate’pen for Valentines – I looked at it, it had 2 hearts, I cried, as it seemed like love.

She never punished anyone for abuse of me – she approved it. One time Jim was beating me up for some spurious reason. She saw it from afar –jumped in to help him, without even knowing the reason for the attack.

She was not kind to animals – I never saw her do a good deed to animals or humans. Nothing happened except what she wanted, bottom line; survival. Animals didn’t matter except the cow to take care of, use for milk, butter & cheese. Marius took care of the cow, when she was pregnant he beat her with a chain, then an iron bar right on her belly. He tied her up once so she couldn’t move a foot all night. I went to the barn as she kept mooing in pain. I tried to untie the knots, but had trouble. Can’t recall the outcome, did I get the knots open? I know I gave her fruit to calm her down. But I was the only one in our family who CARED about the animals. They were ABUSED.

Mom had ‘Lape’ – our first dog, named after a ‘Fox,’ her house right in the middle of the sun. Lape dug a huge den under the house to get out of the sun, had her frequent litters that way. She was never fixed, most of the puppies were taken into the swamp by her & Jim & drowned. Jim was also her right hand to slaughter the chickens. Both of them had no feelings. The word ‘psychopath’ applies.

She had no charity for anyone. Except once, I saw her give a half loaf of great Russian bread to a bum at our door, on Delancey St, Newark. But our neighbors in Freehold,

old folks, needed a ride for groceries, she said no. I was ashamed to tell them.

Her last boyfriend {that I knew about} was Bill – a wonderful guy. She was getting kickbacks from a milkman. {Every Sunday all a milkman brings he brought to our house –milk, butter, cheese, & eggs.} She got him the contract for the school where she was now head Chef. It was his nephew Bill – He was the same age as Mom.

She was in love with him, she cried when I told him he kissed his other lady friend. She sent me with him as a spy when he went to see this lady. {It was just like Dr. Zhivago, where he sees the villain kissing the daughter through two glass doors – Russian style because of the cold they did not have too many outer windows, needed light – while the Mom lies on a bed where he had just pumped her stomach from an overdose. The Villain was getting it on with the daughter, the similarity is the glass doors he sees through – Bill was kissing this other lady like that, lol.}

I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Bill take me out bowling. He showed me how to hit a strike & I got 6 strikes in a row. I could do well when encouraged – it felt like love. He even bought me a sweater, unGodly expensive & beautiful. Can’t recall how this luck came my way.

We were now in a beautiful house in MiddletownNJ. I was staying away some nights, she used Bill to try & track me down. Why did she care? It was part of her argument that I was a careless, reckless delinquent – a child gone wild. But I was staying away from the house because the abuse had gotten more intense & there was nowhere to hide or run except into town – bars, clubs, going out with guys even though I didn’t have sex per se, only ‘made out’. In Freehold the woods were my sanctuary.

I was now also 15 to 16, the age when one wants to be independent & have a life of their own. This was not allowed me, I was in the middle of a trap, so the only way I knew to get out was just to go.

There was a handsome rich boy I spent many nights with, he had his own cottage. I’d go out, hang in bars drinking, get a ride to Gil’s {Gil Hoyle, his real name } house & spend the night, then somehow drag my way home. I went to school sporadically, eventually I got kicked out – will explain momentarily.

I was introduced to Gil by a mutual friend, Karen Skumee {not her real name}. One night, his parents were away, both of us spent the night with him in his mansion. Later he got an apt in SeabrightNJ, one of the monumental places of my youth. What larks Karen & I had there one summer! It was like going from Hell to Heaven.

The point about Mom here is she was following me around. She got the address of Gil’s house from Karen, apparently, had Bill take her there & asked him not to give me access. But he told her I’d knock on the door so hard & long – it would be 2-3 am, he had to let me in. And he always did – he told me how she showed up. {Just now I realize had he been of age she would have threatened him with arrest, but he was only 16! His parents had set him up with a surveyor’s job & his own cottage. Mom was good at controlling people with threats, it worked. Once an infatuated teacher from another school called me at home, she was on the extension & broke in threatening him because of my age. Then a boy from my waitress job showed up at our house. She got all the info from him where I worked & then threatened him with police I suppose, he left like a dog with tail between the legs.}

My thought to this & other incidents is why the fukk, if I was so bad, didn’t she just leave me to my fate? If I was a loser or delinquent, let me fall by my own foolishness & leave me in the gutter.

The truth is the opposite. Every time I got a job – to pay my own way, she did not support me. She gave me NOTHING for my welfare, not one dime. Yes, once I kow towed to her for months to get $20 out of her to bleach my hair blonde. It appears in my senior school pic – which she refused to buy. But I told the hairdresser how I had to suck up to Mommy Fearest to get the bread – this hairdresser also did a friend’s hair, & the friend of Mom’s told her – not more money to get it bleached again. {When you bleach you have to do the roots regularly.} So that was the end of my blonde ambition.

I got money for NOTHING & she tried to keep me BROKE by every time I got a job – she found out – she’d call up & get me fired. I was

underage & had to ‘stay home to take care of my school work.’ This was purely to disempower me.

Now take the facts – One, she’s spying on me. She even got Bill’s Uncle to call, say he saw ‘porno movies’ of me & Gil Hoyle – I was frightened & shocked & much later understood she put this guy up to it – only later I recognized his voice, Mom was in the next room listening. She got a thrill out of hurting me.

Spying on me – not giving me a dime & getting me fired from jobs. What does that add up to? Looking out for my welfare or trying to destroy my life? Let me channel,

ME: Mom, what does this add up to? What was your motive? What was your plan?

MF {Mommy Fearest}: My plan? My motive? The motive was HATE. My plan – to destroy you, demoralize you, take away your morale.

ME: What did you think you’d accomplish by going to Gil’s & saying he should not allow me in? – didn’t you have something better to do, like work or cook or have a pleasant evening with your boyfriend? Why do research & go to a remote place, begging guys not to let me stay over night? And why did Bill cooperate with you?

MF: With Gil, you received consolation, a shoulder, a helping hand. I wanted no one to help you. With the jobs, you got empowerment. It feels good to be paid; one gets a sense of self worth. And you’d have money for things you needed. I hated you so much it was worth it to do research, to persuade Bill’s Uncle to call you & terrorize you. I found out who helped you, I went there to forbid it, except he didn’t listen. Bill cooperated with me as I only hung out with men who would – they were always the nicest, sweetest, the most compliant. Men who were dominating & wouldn’t take crap from a woman – like Officer Jim Doud – steered clear of me. They knew I was a bitch from Hell.

ME: That reminds me. When you tried to destroy the reputation of Jim Doud, who helped you get off the charge of animal cruelty in court – did it make you happy? You told everyone he was a homosexual, which in

those days was taken more seriously than now. Did it give you a sadistic thrill to hurt people? And there was no basis for this charge; you knew it was a lie.

MF: I was a psychopath, we have no conscience. I had no empathy, compassion or love. I only cared for your brother, that was it. I had temporary crushes on men, like your Dad when I was 16, & Bill. But as you know I lost interest in your Dad & took up with other men, my love turned to indifference or hate when I had used a person up.

ME: But it seems the hate you had for me was so intense it knew no bounds. I know I have asked this before but it’s still hard to believe how a Mom could hate her child that much. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, how much did you hate me, & tell me again, why?

MF: 1 to 10? A 15. Why? Your good qualities, you loved Dad, you were sincere, you were obedient, you were lovely. Men wanted you. All those reasons.

ME: And Dad, 1 to 10, how strong was the hate? And why?

MF: An 8, less than you by half. He didn’t give me enough money, that was 99% of it, other than that, not much reasons.

ME: Why did he not defend me from you, take me to live with him when I was 10?

MF: He didn’t know how bad it was, to be honest. And then, he was out of his element taking care of a child. And third, he was selfish & didn’t want his life messed up, his changes of getting another woman maybe. That’s about it.

ME: They money part bothers me as well. He could have given more. And I could have asked him for money for necessities, but I could not even conceive of it. And when I finally went to live with him age 16, he was a miser with me. He saved the money he was giving you for the mortgage, but he did not spend much money on me – so he was actually ahead financially. OK, over & out, I will close this up now.

The End of Being with Mom

Here’s how I switched from being with Mom to go to Dad’s.

One day Karen Scumee & I decided to play hokey, which we’d done a few times before, but we needed money. So we called a cab, he stopped at the bank so I could take out the $40 I had there from working.

Karen & I chatted in the back seat while this demon was listening – he was a local yokel not minding his own business. Knowing we were playing hokey & it was illegal, he drove us right to the police station!

I shall never forget the shock & stress I felt! My Mom hated me & this would make another nail in the coffin. I was a delinquent!

So they called the school & Mom.

Looking back I understand God did this to get me out of that Hell-house & over to my Dad’s, from where I would meet my eventual destiny.

The school was nervous about me because I did play hokey from time to time but I think most of all, re Mr Doubt {not his real name} who I would chat with, in his classroom, almost every night after classes. Because I hung out with him for solace & advice, the rumor went out that I was having an affair with him. And they had had a scandal the year before when a 16 yr old girl took off with one of the teachers, & didn’t want that again. There was nothing going on with Mr. Doubt, I needed a friend, that was it.

Each time I broke the rules, a couple times, they called my Mom in, she’d dress up in a designer suit that our lady friend had bought her, high heels, & wore a ‘high hat,’ telling them how great she was, a poor little woman abandoned by her husband & raising children alone! And I was the bane of her life, running around, a delinquent, staying out ALL NIGHT & doing a lot of fukking! Lol. To be honest – I HAD NEVER HAD SEX until I went to Brooklyn! I mostly stayed out to stay away from her & also, have some fun to compensate for the stress of abuse. People need LOVE – you look for it wherever you can get it. It doesn’t have to be SEX – just talking or attention are forms of love.

I know this is what she said because when the counselor she talked to called me in, without a word of asking about my side {I didn’t know how to explain it anyway} accused me of all that she said & demanded to know THE NAMES OF THE GUYS I HAD FUCKED!

He spoke of my ‘poor Mother’ who had raised kids ALONE – & how he himself had been a bad boy but straightened himself out & became an upstanding citizen & how dare I give all this trouble to my mother & play

hokey & fuck guys?! I was so frustrated I couldn’t say a word, just started to cry, & he didn’t know what to do so he told me to leave, that was it.

I was EXPELLED, & so was my friend Karen Scumee, but years later she told me when the parents come in & plead for their child & promise they’ll be good, they are reinstated {she was}. But Mom had already told them I was the worst child there was {think of Jayne Eyre with her Aunt! – Being sent to ‘Lowood’} & the dye was cast – this no good child had to leave the house & finish school in B’klyn with her Dad.

So now I’m on the bus with my suitcase & someone flags down the bus in front of our house. Mom’s lady friend gets on & tells the driver to tell me to get off. The driver refuses, I paid my ticket. She goes to the back where I’m sitting & tells me to exit, plans have changed, but I refuse. What happened?

Years later I found out my Dad was paying the mortgage – like 1,600 a month {the mortgage is that high when your down payment is low. She blew it all on the most luxurious furniture – not for my room – anything but that. For herself & her lady friend, their room was twice the size of mine decorated in red velvet & fringe like a bordello, with Chanel #5 & Shalimar, plus dozens of other perfumes, on their dresser. My room was tiny with tan burlap curtains & a rag rug – shared with the half sister. Bro had a suite downstairs with his own bath.} – I had no idea as Mom always said Dad gave nothing. And when I was on my way, he told her since he was taking care of me, he would no longer pay the mortgage. That was too much to bear; I had to be prevented from leaving, lol. But God saw it differently.

But even after I left & went to school in B’klyn, the arm of my Mom reached out to me & did her last act of malice. Of course, I asked for it by calling her & bragging what great things I had done. When school was over, the junior year, I went to Seabright, got myself a job at a swank place – the Hofbrau House – got a loan from a friend of $50 {had to wrestle him for it} & put it on a tiny apt where Gil Hoyle used to live. It was shitty but all she had, good enough.

Now I call my mother to let her know how well I’m doing – look what I accomplished! I still thought in my innocent mind, that if I did well enough, she would finally love me – appreciate me. I had no idea of her true nature or that she wanted to destroy me – I thought if I did well enough, she’d appreciate me & stop being hateful. It was MY FAULT she hated me. Why else would I call her?

And so, I make one of the biggest mistakes of my life, call & brag to Mom. She seduces me like a snake. She misses me, wants to see me. She’ll come over, show her what I’ve done, then she’ll bring me home for the night.

So she drives to Seabright from Middletown – I show her my apt, the place I work, she takes me to her house, I sleep.

Next day phone rings, I’m the only one in the house. It’s Karen, who lives & works also in Seabright, at the same place. She screams,

“I’m going to kill your Mother!”

She went to work, Mom had called the boss at the Hofbrau House that she has 2 underage girls working there, which is supposedly illegal as they serve drinks. So that was the end of the job. But Karen convinced them only I was underage, she’s OK & they believe her.

I then call my apt. Mom called & told her I can’t live there, I’m underage – no permission from her. The lady tells her but I put a deposit,

& Mom says,

“You can keep it for all the trouble she caused you.”

That killed my dreams for the summer.

I did not think of any way out re the job or the apt – I could have said I have Dad’s permission, I don’t live with Mom, but didn’t think of it then. And I could have said to both these people that wasn’t my Mom that called, a crazy lady who hates me. But I was so stricken & inexperienced I never thought of that, just fell into suffering & pain.

It wasn’t long after that I left Dad, took off with Marilyn Monroe’s photographer who promised to get me into Playboy, with him to California, Hollywood, to meet my destiny.

You see, God works mysteriously. Had I been a success there that summer, I might not have hung around the city meeting all the people I had to meet, who connected me with photographers, editors, which finally led to this photographer. It was God’s plan being implemented the whole time.

I heard about Mom’s forthcoming death while working in Providence, Rhode Island in January “79.

Two days after her death – March 11 – I was filming ‘Real People’ with heavy thoughts on my mind.

March 12, 1979 was her funeral. I got there slightly late, {no, I will not be late for my own funeral!} after they closed the casket. She had asked the casket to be closed from the beginning, but no one listened. Since I was the only one late, I was the only one that obeyed her, not to see her dead in the coffin. Obedient to the end. {End Chapter 11}

College of God & Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Rhode Island & Binghamton

Chapter 10 West Warwick, Rhode Island, Jan. 8, 1979 UPI & Binghamton, NY Jan 29, 1979

Written 7-31-22

First a reporter from UPI called me. This was unusual as I usually called them. We hit numerous papers coast to coast including front pages. I got people sending me copies from places like Guam.

The young reporter took his own image & I wish I had worn a brighter costume, it was black with a big white flower in my hair & I held a fan, so it was like a flamenco dancer.

The townspeople are usually curious about the star that appears in a local venue. This was right in town, they {I passed a barber shop on the way} saw me walk to the nearby Church across the street, where I attended daily Mass & stayed for prayers which took 45 minutes – my usual routine, I had a hardbound book called ‘Enchiridion of Indulgences.’

The fact that I had this habit put me in good stead with the locals; they looked at me like a saint. A man who worked in the theater – was he a janitor? – prayed about me. He asked God to tell him if I was legit. That night he was awakened by a lady standing next to his bed who told him I was. He explained this to the press. His vision was portrayed in the article

“He said he saw an Angel.”

I minded my own business, did my work & prayed.

Prayers became more fervent when I was told Mom had lung cancer & was given 6 months to live. I pled God,

“Don’t let her go to Hell, I’ll pay for her sins.

I have enumerated her sins against me & others in other volumes. This begs the question, why don’t I just forget the bad stuff, concentrate on the good?

The answer is, it’s an integral part of my life. You cannot know just the good that happened to a person & leave it there, you must know both sides.

The bad as well as the good determine one’s character & virtues. If you react to bad with hate, revenge & bitterness, you’ve failed the test. If you react with forgiveness & love, you’ve won.

Had I reacted badly to the cruelty people put on me my life would be a failure, & I’d have to live again to purify my soul. But I don’t intend to live again. I came here in the first place to help humanity, & if I fell down now, it would not befit an avatar.

I lived the week in West Warwick in a place of bliss – which is how I usually feel when I do my business & don’t get involved with people. The highlight was when a man took me to a petting zoo, I got to pet goats. He said,

“So that’s what brings you to life.”

The owner of the theater saw me silent except when the press was there, & funny, he also said,

“So that’s when you come to life.”

Apparently, I’m not like other women they knew. What were other women like? The ones I met incessantly talked about their ex husbands or boyfriends, life revolved around men {how bad they were of course}. In fact, now that I’d been celibate for 6 months I tried not to think about them at all.

Jan 29, 1979, Binghamton NY

This was, without a doubt, one of he most wretched jobs I’d ever had to contrast with the previous one; from Heaven to Hell. Everything was bad.

The owner was a mean, angry, cranky crook – Pat Lebous. His relative was the Chief of Police, the name is big in this area, but Pat was no biggie. I negotiated myself so as usual, without an agent, you haven’t got a chance. I asked for $5 at the door but he insisted, again & again, the local people wouldn’t pay it. I think I got a flat rate for 1.5k a week for 2 weeks when it should have been at least 3k. I had hit the international news over & over, the place was packed.

Then when I got there he charged $7 at the door because of MY publicity. I called the press – not he. I called the local TV show & got on it – not he. He gave me no press conference, nothing. The business was my doing, but he got the money. And how did he cheat the other performers? There was a black MC & a black co-star. The co-star he paid – I kid you not – $150 a week. When she told me – I don’t know what he paid the MC – I gave them each $100 from my money. The poor female was trying to live off tips & private shows.

There was no food. I mean we were stranded in the middle of a rural area & to take a cab, as usual, in these type places, by the time you took taxis back & forth to eat – you’d spend a fortune & even I could not afford it. {Mind you, I only averaged 10 jobs a year when I was lucky!} The poor MC told me he was starving. I took a cab to a grocery store & I bought us some things like sardines & boxes of dry cereals. That’s what we lived off.

His manager did take me one time to drum up business – I took flyers to many places including the Police Dept where his cousin was Chief. The Chief came & brought his wife & others – I think he appreciated me, they seemed happy during the visit. And they told me he’d not talked to his cousin Pat for years – this broke the ice & they made up.

With the business standing room only I felt it was time to re-negotiate. In the office {where I dressed btw} I told Pat that I was not staying the second week because he’d cheated me. He went crazy, began to shout & throw furniture around!

Frightened, I ran out, went to my motel across the street. The next morning I called the police & asked them to have someone go with me back to the place to get my costumes & stuff. They were reluctant, but I begged, & finally, one nice highway officer came, & I got my stuff, with Pat Lebous acting meek & mild.

Then he sent his wife to my room – she had to be a saint because anyone who put up with this man was. She pleaded over & over he’d never bother me again – wouldn’t come near me, she’d even be there herself every night, even though she was weak from a recent operation. It was all about money – they did not want to lose the big bucks I generated. Nothing was spoken of about paying me more. I felt sorry for the lady & because of her I worked the second week, & true to her word, he didn’t come near me & she was there each night.

The Nuns

The second week I decided to visit these nuns, who were friends of my then best friend, Dr. Ewert Cousins from Fordham & Columbia Universities. He said when I preached in Binghamton, pay them a visit. {I never told him I was a stripper, only a preacher, & when he found out after 5 years, our relationship ended. His voice shook when he asked me if I was a stripper, I knew we were doomed so I never called again.} During our friendship we had lunch a few times & spoke every Sunday for a long prayer session – even when I was in Hawaii for 3 months in 1984, I’d call him on a pay phone that took plenty clangy change! I mean $20 worth!

Well, I went to see these nuns & they were gracious, sister Mack {not her real name} had taken her Dad’s name for her investiture. Unfortunately, I had no wheels & asked a dancer to take me – she also dragged another dancer along who looked like a hooker, with red opera hose & a slinky dress. I didn’t want them to break my secret, so I said cool it!

We chatted with the nuns over an hour, it was great.

What was not great is ten years later, this area – where I said out loud I would NEVER live – I ended up moving not 10 miles from the nuns! I had forgot them & people told me there were nuns nearby who made their own wine.

I then contacted them & visited, but I was snubbed. Alas, they had found out I was a stripper, & although they loved me initially, wanted nothing to do with me. So much for charity & God’s love.

I had even applied, when I met them, to join their order – & they turned me down!

God comforted me saying I would not have been happy as a nun. Yes, I understand now, being a nun is not for me, I had other fish to fry. I could maintain my religious life by myself, as quasi hermit, I could be celibate by myself, I needed to become a Cougar later in life. None of this would have happened had I been a nun. No, I was totally different from other women, a life like mine had never been lived & I had to live it no matter how eccentric I seemed. {End Chapter 10}

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Dancing Priest & Stripping Preacher

Chapter 6 The Stripper for God meets the Dancing Priest – & other thoughts on the priesthood

written 7-21-22

Father Thomas Smith Ordained: 1951 Died: 2015 age 90

From the internet: Father Thomas Smith, known as the “singing and dancing priest” was ordained in 1951, and served in the Diocese of Pittsburgh. He started out in a career on stage, performing at clubs in New York City before entering the seminary. He continued to perform while based at a McKeesport parish, in local nightclubs, at church dinners and church fundraisers into the 1990s. {Rasa says: he did more than ‘local’ clubs, he appeared at some hot spots. See his David Letterman Show on You tube.}

My Account: On March 19, 1979, I was booked into the Sheraton Hotel, Pittsburgh, PA. I heard about ‘the Dancing Priest’ from a tabloid, was excited about him, & determined to meet him as he was in that area. His church was fairly close to the Hotel & I took a cab daily to go there – I went to Mass most every day anyway, on the road or at home.

So I find his Church & go. There were so few daily attendants that he held the Mass in the rectory – about 5 people showed up, all women.

He asked each of us what we were dedicating our Holy Communion for & I said, ‘Souls in Purgatory.’ I recall how this older lady glanced at me, startled. I was young so she probably figured how unusual for a young person to care about them.

When Mass was over I told him I had heard about him & that surprised him a lot. He seemed slightly uncomfortable, as apparently few people there knew he was ‘the Dancing Priest.’

He was gracious & invited me to his residence right next to the church – can’t recall if it was just coffee or if we ate breakfast.

When I had to go to the rest room I was directed by one of his servants upstairs, she stood at the foot of the stairs to make sure I went the right way. I went the wrong way & passed a bedroom that was decorated in all red – his room? Like a bordello, I thought.

We chatted a few minutes & he had to rush off somewhere, giving instructions to two lady servants what work to do.

I was impressed & on Real People it shows he’d recruited 2 other priests to take part in an act sometimes. One funny line was,

A guy says 34-24-36 & Fr. cries, ‘Bingo!’

The priests, one of whom was chubby, seemed to be having fun & I was happy for them.

One lady servant lingered for a minute talking to me & I asked her about plans, & she looked into the sky sort of wistfully, & said

“Something big is coming up”

but wouldn’t tell me what. It could have been ‘Real People’ as I saw him there subsequently, or maybe David Letterman.

I recently saw the Letterman show & he conducted an intelligent & informative interview. Letterman was nervous. Then he sang with his band – he was good, & he moved well & dressed nicely. I liked the line where he said something like,

“Billy Sunday, Billy Graham & Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, step aside!”

I know it took nerve to say the Bishop’s name, as the CC might get mad. {Bishop Sheen was without fault, being canonized now – he helped me with my Mom through her last 3 weeks in Purgatory – probably because she made us watch his show. He was angelic.}

Fr. Tom admitted his act was a way to get people’s attention toward the Church. All his lyrics were special – designed that way – He didn’t do standards. He was one of a kind, & a good egg. I’m glad I took the effort to meet him, R.I.P. Fr. Tom.

…………………………………………..

William Bond & I Discuss the Priesthood

From William Bond:In your latest writings Rasa, it seems you were acting like a priest with the people you worked with in the stripper places. It reminds me of what Pamela told me.

She is Church of England and goes to Church every Sunday and she tells me she far prefers female vicars to male vicar, (there are some notable exceptions to this). And this doesn’t only apply to her but also seems to be the opinion of other people she meets at Church. She said that in the city where she lives people will travel across the city to go to Churches where there is female vicar and avoid most male vicars.

She claims with that, with a few exceptions, male vicars haven’t a clue how to talk to people and she predicts that if this trend continues, women will be taking over the Church completely. Which makes me wonder why women were banned as priests. Apparently before Christianity was taken over by the state they did have female priests and it suggests that the only way male priests could compete against women priests, was to ban them completely.

The Christian Church is in decline but perhaps women priests could reverse this. Pamela also reports the Church of England is now being politically correct and talking about a male and female God. So perhaps we could end up with Churches worshiping a female Mother God with a female priesthood.

An effective priest has to believe in God and prayer, to be a good communicator and listener and care about other people. Women are far more likely to be like this than men. I have read stories of career priests who have admitted they don’t men and care more for others. This is why I think once women are let into the priesthood of various religions they will end up taking over. This is why patriarchal religions had to ban female priests or priestesses. Pamela says this is happening in the Church of England over-here, but says there is resistance about women becoming bishops.

I don’t know if there is any chance of there being Roman Catholic female priests but as more Christian sects agree to this I’m sure they will be under pressure to do the same.

…………………………………………………………

From Rasa: OK I get what you mean then William. Then I’m a Priest or Priestess, like a Pastor, who tends his or her sheep, feeds them, protects them. This is what Jesus asked Peter to be, & I guess all his apostles or disciples. ‘His’ sheep means those of God.

Yes, I do see people as God’s sheep. And yes, we of God who are chosen have a duty to feed the sheep with n

nourishing thoughts & words – which is Truth. We must protect the sheep from predators – the lions, wolves & bears represent negativity, bad thoughts & feelings, & the demonic. We must take our sheep to green pastures where they will find life & water.

I see the Catholic Church diminishing greatly & I don’t think they will ever ordain women, that’s why they’ll shrink. If you can’t change or adjust to the ‘market’ you go ‘bankrupt.’ Once Kodak was the #1 photo institution, they even invented digital photography. But they failed to move ahead with the market, they slid back & eventually went bankrupt. The Catholic Church will fare the same. They will not ordain women because that would be a different Church entirely than what they are. They would rather shrink than fit, lol. So let them shrink, we don’t need them. The good within the Church will appear in other avenues, like my own religion. We will include all that is good in the Catholic, the Christian, The Yogic or Buddhist sects, the Wiccan / Pagan beliefs, into our religion. Something new will form, the good will not be lost. {End Chapter 6}

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San Juan, Puerto Rico, 1977

Chapter 2 written 7-6-22

Lorraine Theater, San Juan, Puerto Rico, July 1977

This was the week Elvis Presley died, August 16, so sad.

I went to Puerto Rico after three years as a minister / community organizer in Williamsburg, B’klyn. I worked day & night – all day at the organizing & all evening my apt was open for religious education – I advertised to all but only people from age 7 to 25 gathered.

It wasn’t boring, I took them on long walks to the cemetery where we prayed the Rosary for Souls, bought them ice cream on the way back, treated them to chicken dinners at various times, took some of the girls by train to Westchester for sightseeing & to Radio City Music Hall. I spent my small earnings on the kids, it was worth it. I loved them as if they were my own. But after three years of working 12 hours a day I was so burned out at 30 I looked 50. My daughter was around eight then & said, “Mom, if you don’t quit, you’ll die.” To save my life I locked my doors after work & took off to far-away areas for basketball, which I’ve always loved, then quit the work & went back to dancing – the Puerto Rico job being the first..

While here I met stars & have pictures with them – Johnny Mathis & Shirley Bassey. I met a distinguished guy who’s name fails me – he took me to their concerts & introduced us back stage. Johnny M I had met before, right within the building where we both had offices, the Sunset-VineTower. My office was obtained by the phony con man, “Putz NutOn” {my name for him, see Part 3} who called himself “Prince Nahton” from India, the son of a Maharajah. He got the offices for free {big fancy ones, too} by conning the Vice President of the bank, a young, honey blonde hair sweetheart. He looked to be 25.

Aside:

{ NutOn could sing, tap dance, do hypnosis tricks, put a pin through his hand & make an ‘instant repair’ – he did shows on this – had newspaper articles – he played classical & boogie woogie on the piano, had more stories than the Brothers Grimm, which he professed to each new person he met, & repeated to ones he already knew again & again. After a year I had heard them all & he stopped repeating {to me}. He could do all this but HAD NO JOB & needed a roof over his head & food. I believe he LIVED at the offices he got for free – because I chatted with him there by phone at all hours of the night – even 3AM. And so, when he got me into his clutches he no longer slept at the office but with me. What a deal he got. He did I must say, con the landlord into giving me this nice apt, one bedroom with a shared porch, for $105. a month. Even in 1969 this was cheap. He USED his profession to survive, which was being a CON MAN.

Why did I give him a chance, when to me he was repulsive? He gave the impression he knew lots about mind-over-matter, metaphysics & hypnosis, using himself as my first guinea pig. I wanted to learn & while living in this place on a shoestring, quit work, {lived off meager savings} & tried all the fanatic programs this guy preached. He was astonished when I actually went four nights & days without food or coffee – sleeping only 1.5 hours a night, & being able to function. He kept preaching about it & I did it, through self hypnosis. But he actually got scared of me at this point, because I also reached the ‘still small Voice’ within, & my Voice guided me. He was no longer in control, he was frightened & awed, & knew the Voice was wiser than he & would take over. Which ‘it’ did – it was the Voice of God within me. And his craziness actually helped to get me there – as I practiced self hypnosis & extreme austerities it was like Jesus going to the mountain or Buddha into the jungle – or all the anchorites, hermits who stayed alone & ate little & saw no one – just prayed. {After he snagged me he stayed away late into the nights, meeting new people & getting them to the office for con job work. This included women – I saw my best lady friend dancer, Yolanda, enter the office just when I was leaving at the time he said I had to – the days were mine there, after 5 they were his – & he’d come ‘home’ after 12AM. So by his absenting himself, me practicing these disciplines, I was ALONE.} I had also become a FRUITARIAN, which he preached, for over a year, eating only raw fruits, nuts – not even greens – & shriveled down to 127 lbs on a 5’7” frame. He could do none of these things he preached, but I could. He had a great big belly. He never did anything but talk, talk, talk, his stock in trade, & with an English accent. One of the reasons I went ‘on the road’ stripping instead of staying a go-go dancer, which paid well, was because I was afraid of him after I escaped– he would find me & do me harm, but on the road he couldn’t reach me. And so, thanks to this circumstance, my life as the ‘Stripper for God’ was enabled.}

Back to Johnny Mathis

Johnny Mathis had a legit office at the building Putz & I inhabited. I saw him in the parking lot underground & chatted with him, wanting to be friends. But since he was gay, he brushed me off. When I met him in Puerto Rico he didn’t know I was the same person he’d met years ago.

I met a beautiful young male who was a Cuban doctor’s son. He adored me, I have pictures with him – the best looking guy I met while there, but for some strange reason, I did not have sex with him. I had sex with two other guys who were less than he. Something about him pushed me away. He told me an anecdote about how he tried to make it with a girl in his car, & parked in an out of the way place in the jungle. Before he knew it, six guys showed up looking in his windows masturbating. He took off & went to another location, same guys showed up doing the same thing, & he tried again & again & they or someone like them always showed up, thwarted his chance to nail the girl.

During my show there was a whole row of these guys in the front row masturbating while I danced. They were smiling & happy, not embarrassed at all. Must be a cultural habit. But I must say that when I was in the 42^nd St. area, in the ‘back room’ theater the Mafia owned, several New Yorkers were also masturbating in the front row. Not as many, however.

During this time I wore contact lenses. Oh, the bane of it. They really hurt – it was before soft contact lenses were invented. My eyesight, for many years, was abysmal & without lenses everything past say ten feet, was blurry. And later it got worse. It started when I was 10, just went down to 20/30, {from loss of my Dad’s love} but by the time I was sixty it was like 20/350.

One day I made the sad mistake of leaving my contact lenses on while I sat on the beach. A few hours later my eye were as puffy as balloons, I had never seen anything like it – I was embarrassed to go on stage {but no one seemed to notice!} I went to the manager & asked him to give me a doctor. The doctor said to only put the lenses in while I was doing the show, then take them out, etc., & my eyes became normal after a while. I believe the sun, the salt air with the lenses, caused the eye irritation, the lenses themselves being irritants.

The San Juan Press: I actually took a cab to the San Juan Press without calling them, & brought along my bikini, suggested they write me up. I put on the bikini & they took fabulous shots. They promised to send me copies to the USA but they did not. This sort of thing happened a lot – they promise to send you the media but they don’t, & that included what Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger did on me {but I got a copy of the show through the help of Our Holy Lady, while saying her rosary in the TV office – explained elsewhere}.

But I never gave up. I prayed & prayed. One day on the subway of NYC there was the editor & his associates, right there in a car. I asked him why they had never sent the copy. He was ashamed, & thereafter, thank Heavens, sent me a copy. It was great. Don’t ever give up on a thing you want, if it’s legit. Keep praying, trusting, believing in God & Her Power will give you it.

One funny thing. I always carried pictures with me to give out to people like cab drivers, restaurant servers & just folks I met. Going by a place with iron bars all around a large yard each day to work from my apt – Several men came running to the bars. I gave them pictures. Later someone told me they were ‘bad men.’ What do you mean bad? I said. They were criminals, it was some sort of holding pen. Maybe I helped cheer them up, even if some didn’t deserve it.

Oh yes I can’t finish this article without the following. At the Lorraine Theater they had a not too small built up dressing room right in the lobby. The man who was the manager of the apt. building was the sweetest guy. He came to see me dance, & I asked if he could sit in my dressing room. Reluctantly, they said OK.

After a few minutes, this sweet very white man pulled out a dick that was the biggest I’d ever seen in my life – It was huge as an elephant, over a foot long & very thick. I was startled & shocked.

But within seconds the workers there opened the door & angrily threw him out. That made me understand that they had some sort of access to seeing what went on in the dressing room. Imagine that. Watching the dancer’s every move in her private space, watching her dress & undress.

I had a spiritual disappointment while there. Walking down the street, in front of a Church, saw a sign that said ‘Theosophy discussion meeting now.’ Eagerly I went inside. There were about 10 people, male & female, discussing God. I asked if I could join. A man there seemed pleased, but an old hag looking 90 years old said I could not join them & gave some convoluted bullshyt reason why. The reason why is you were jealous how I looked, you bitch. Your envy was stronger than your charity. {End Chapter 2}

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Aquarius Theater Job

“I Strip for God” Part 8

Aquarius Burlesque Theater

Route 130 Gloucester City, New Jersey, 1980

OK I have to get to the theaters & clubs I worked, & all I can say is thank God for ARTICLES written about me in these cities & towns, because the articles tell me the NAMES & LOCATIONS & TIMES of these places. I did NOT deep a diary. I do recall what happened at these places but not their names, addresses & dates. The articles I have Xeroxed – at least a hundred of them – & they also appear on my www.KellieEvertsIStripforGod.com website.

This was a small theater which seated no more than 100 & they sat across & around an extension of the stage. It was all lighted up, the whole room, so I could see everyone – not like the old theaters where only the stage is lit up, the audience is dark.

I was on a super-strict diet at this time – one meal a day – & was lifting weights each day & dancing 4 shows. It was grueling. I didn’t have the energy to TALK – believe it or not. I ate no breakfast or lunch, danced all the 4 shows & only then did I go across the street to the diner & had a favorite meal. It was eggs with home fries, rye bread & dessert – banana cream pie. Never changed the menu. I know it’s intelligent to eat 3 small meals instead – but my system worked the way I did it.

I’ll try to recall whatever struck me here, for good or bad. Nothing huge, but this will give you an idea of what it is like to be in my skin, what a stripper such as myself experiences.

The owner/manager was really nice to me {there are all kinds, some are brutal & cold hearted} & when another dancer {not a good one} was saying things that made me uncomfortable, he said,

“She’s just trying to psyche you out.”

We’re not talking sisterhood here, it’s competition. And because she felt since I was the star, I was higher, she tried to pull me down. I didn’t catch on, just felt demoralized, until the owner told me what it was about. No I was not ‘street smart’ I was spiritually smart & book smart – {that has changed through much observation & study}. Her method of putting me ‘down’ was bragging about another female – Marilyn Chambers. Since I was body building & my body was exquisite she kept bragging on her, saying how her lats stood out. And you could see the look on her face as she said it, that twisted smile where the ends of the mouth point down {into Hell.}

Another female I felt was the victim of a con job – but I didn’t catch on right away. She was partnered with an ordinary-looking tall, thin Hindu, who told her he was going to become a doctor. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t, but he wasn’t one yet, & by convincing her he would be – & they’d be married – he got to have her body & possibly lived off her. She was so puffed up she seemed trancelike & treated myself & another dancer to our meal. {This is unusual, she wanted to impress us & we were.}

She told the press this was her last dance gig – she was off to ‘marry a doctor.’ The article in the Gloucester paper

tells me her name was ‘Tarzana.’ She was a good dancer & I wonder if she lived happily ever after or if the Hindu was pulling her leg & she danced in dives another 10 years.

There were two other dancers I recall. One was gorgeous, beautiful face & body. The other was ugly – ugly face & body, sort of charcoal grey skin, short & dumpy, spoke like she had an IQ of 80 or less, & she used a big black dildo on stage, which annoyed some of the white men, lol. {The uglier you are, the more prurient your act has to be, sad but true. Not sure what she did with the dildo but I don’t think inserting it was allowed, probably pretended. I never looked at her act.}

Here is my anecdote on her. There was an employee of the theater – a decent looking white guy who was a janitor. Married, he once brought his wife around. What I recall about the situation is this. He belly ached about the price of peanut butter, how expensive it had got, he had a 9 year old son who loved peanut butter. And yet he gave $50. to Miss Ugly of for sex. He could have bought 20 lbs of peanut butter for $50. This taught me something about some men – they will literally take food out of their child’s mouth to give themselves sex pleasure.

Now the beautiful one had a boyfriend or ‘hanger on.’ He was vile. He sat right at the front seat next to the extension on the stage, & when I came by he growled sexual things in a low voice, like an animal – this was totally disrespectful to his girl friend Ms Gorgeous.

And here’s how I found out he was mooching off her. In the old days, beautiful women on stage got flowers,

jewels, & taken out for the finest dining. In our day & age women in the adult trade / show business get pimps, moochers & con men. Once in a while a straight guy comes along – not often.

The owner of the diner across the street was a gay man, kind of chubby. One day he shows up to the owner in a huff, yelling how he has to get paid for what Mr. Vile has done. Vile sat on his vinyl seat in a booth, & the KNIFE in his pocket cut a bit swatch into the seat. Repairing it would cost money – But who pays? The guy or the dancer he’s hanging with? The dancer of course.

Everything had gone wrong for her that day. She sighed deeply & said,

“Some days you wish had never started.”

I was working on a body building book that year. I’d learned from prosperity teacher Catharine Ponder that if you want a thing to get done, start working on it. I did. I tried to write the book, I trained & posed for pictures. But I could not write it {tried & tried, it didn’t come out right} & could not get a publisher. After a few months of trying, I gave up & went on my next job.

Can’t even recall where that job was – was it Pittsburgh or Philadelphia?

And while there someone who wanted to publish a body building book by me – because they had seen my Esquire article in 1975 – contacted me. Mr. Stan & Mrs. Jan Leitner were in St. Louis, Illinois, told me to quit my job where I was, come over there & work on a book – they’d give me 5k. Later, they changed it to 10k. {To me that was HUGE – I’d never had more than 1.5k in my bank account as of then. In 2022 money this would be $35,473}

I told them I could not break my contract, but as soon as this job was over I’d go there.

It was a dream come true. Being housed in their mansion, they got me a ‘trainer’ where I was dropped off daily, they hired the biggest photo/video studio in the city to photograph me & make a video of ‘The Ultimate Woman.’ – A woman who body builds, dances, & runs her own business. Wearing a suit, I am seen seated at a desk giving orders, then body building, then dancing in a club which they arranged.

They put this video/ad for the book on the Phil Donohue Show at a cost of what today would be $56,757.

And so, thanks to the teachings of Catherine Ponder, I got my book published. Not only that, it was the FIRST BODY BUILDING BOOK BY A FEMALE. Mr. & Mrs. Leitner did all the work – all I had to do was train & BELIEVE. I beat Lisa Lyon with her book by several months.

Arnold tried to make Lisa Lyon the ‘poster girl’ of female body building. Was it out of revenge toward me, as I preferred another man? He recruited Joe Weider, the biggest power in body building, to promote her, put her on the cover of his magazine, create a photo layout of her with Arnold. He got a top name in writing to write her book. – Kellie Everts continued with a seminal book, ‘The Origin & Decline of Female Body Building’ & was given the title ‘Progenitor of modern competitive female body building’ in Feb 2007 by the World Body Building Guild.

Forgot to mention. During the Aquarius stay I lifted weights on my breaks, in an outdoor cemented patio behind the theater. How did I get the weights? I asked a man who came to the theater who seemed to be lifting, he brought them. Shows you how nice men can be, you can get favors from them if they like you. I had one of the employees take pics with my camera while I was on stage. There were few times I was that thin & muscular. Every picture had my head cut off.

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Death & Ascension

Lady I pray for dies, goes to Purgatory for one day & Ascends into Heaven

6-26-22 Brenda’s Ascension

Dream:

It’s something about clothing. I’m given a blue linen dress which is a super short mini dress, plain as can be. It’s got a scooped neck, short sleeves, form fitting. I am thin & I guess look decent in this dress but I get uncomfortable as I have no underwear on – the wrong position, people can see under my dress. That’s a concern.

*** {DRESS: The dress sounds like the illness given to Brenda, it’s sad or BLUE. Linen is not a SOFT material, this is a HARD condition. Form fitting feels like a restraint. She is RESTRAINED or imprisoned in her condition – can’t get out of it.

The SHORTNESS of the dress & distressed for having no UNDERWEAR sounds like the being troubled for being so VULNERABLE in the lower part of her body – which had developed CANCER starting with the bladder, then went to the liver. Being NAKED or WITHOUT CLOTHES is a condition of being VULNERABLE & UNPROTECTED.

Being THIN here means good spiritual condition – spiritual POVERTY. Sometimes {not always} fatness means greed & gluttony or being bloated with the things of the world & the flesh.}

And then as I’m walking on the street a man who likes me grabs me, puts me into a horizontal position & sort of tickles my legs yikes, I feel embarrassed he’ll see my nudity.

* {EMBARRASSED with the man who likes me who will see my nudity: This is the uncomfortable feeling that the man who loves me SEES ME IN THIS CONDITION. {We want to be well & healthy with those who love us! We don’t want them to suffer with us.} *

Then something CHANGES. I have a different DRESS, its chartreuse in color, a kind of party dress, has a soft chiffon neckline scooped low & also short sleeves but also a mini skirt. I go to a store where it’s given me. Not sure if I buy it or the saleslady just gives it to me for some reason.

*** {The CHANGE is now the TRANSITION from earthly life with the suffering into a PARTY DRESS. The ASCENSION INTO HEAVEN of Brenda is now UNFOLDING – this PARTY is the REJOICING.

Rasa is saying the HOLY MASS for Brenda. CHARTREUSE is the GREEN OF LIFE.

The SALESLADY is the ATTENDENT or person who says the HOLY MASS – the Holy Mass is putting the ‘bridal dress’ or ‘party dress’ on Brenda. This CLOTHING is actually THE GRACE OF GOD.D} ***

I’m sitting at a table by myself just thinking. Not sure if there are people to my right.

* {This TABLE is the ALTAR where I said the Holy Mass…She is ALL ALONE as she’s the only one I dedicated the Mass to. I see it later, that she’s holding the TALL GLASS with the REFRESHING WATER – This is the BLOOD OF JESUS & MARY. I use PLAIN WATER as the medium, not wine, because I know Jesus turns water into wine when he wants to.} *

To my left is a line of people all sitting on top of this counter against the wall, mostly men.

{MEN ON COUNTER, AGAINST THE WALL: This sounds like RELATIVES who can’t help Brenda, so they are AGAINST THE WALL with concern – the main person would be her husband who has suffered equally with her. They weren’t able to get her well & they don’t know how to help her spiritually.}

I decide to just walk in front of them past them, & I do, not looking a them, & it’s here that I notice, like I’m looking at myself from about 10 feet away, that I’m thin & I’m holding a tall transparent glass with water in it, it’s something cool & refreshing, maybe has ice in it, maybe a straw {I had that water in front of me at the table, enjoying it.}

* {GOING PAST THE MEN, HOLDING THE GLASS WITH THE REFRESHING WATER – Notice I am THIN etc.: This is the TRANSITION where Brenda is NOT LOOKING at people now, but she wants them to SEE HER – to understand she is partaking of the GRACE OF GOD, drinking in the refreshing WATER OF LIFE {Jesus & Mary’s Blood, to be specific}, she is thin/ready for God – her MIND is ON GOD which is IMPORTANT as when people CLING to the world – including loved ones – they must wait in Purgatory until they do let go. One of the saints – Anne Catherine Emmerich, said that the reason death is so hard to most people – what makes it hard – is that they are attached to the world & to people. It is imperative to LEG GO – Brenda is doing this successfully here!} *

I go past these guys & am standing looking at myself still from some feet away, then I notice the dress has a veil attached to it, made of the same chartreuse color, & in front it just falls down to the floor – it’s a soft chiffon, & some of it is still rumpled under the regular part of the dress in back, I pull out the material & it goes flush to the floor. This new part starts past my knees & has a medallion close to the knees of rhinestone or diamond type – this now for sure is a party dress, at bottom it might have a scallop design, & it’s so long I’m hoping I don’t trip on it as I walk.

*** {the VEIL! This is one of the most telltale signs of ASCENSION as the veil is a symbol of what is between God & us – God is beyond the veil to us, when we ascend the veil is lifted, we see God face to face. In the human wedding ceremony the veil the wife wears means the same thing – if it is over her face the man moves it &to achieve their union, symbolically.

This appearance of the dress, then the veil attached, is as if Brenda’s ascension happens in increments, but these increments were probably moments in time.

The diamond or rhinestone broach at the knees, holding the veil or skirt, is an important symbol,– JEWELS represent AWARDS for extra things the person has done – extra work, extra charity, extra sacrifices. This veil seems to be a SPECIAL BONUS of Grace that goes with her ‘bridal’ ascension. It could also be the prayers of others for her, that helped her, including our most recent prayers.} ***

I think I got a real bargain, a good deal, because for sure I got this extra part for free – it was attached to the dress. The dress was reasonable; maybe the saleslady didn’t know it was attached, it would have made the dress more expensive – I got a bargain.

{EXTRA ATTACHED, I GOT A BARGAIN: Brenda feels gratitude for the extra Grace she’s been given.}

Later: I awoke & wondered if this was the ascension of Brenda, & was amazed because it had been only one day since she died. I asked God for confirmation, & fell asleep again.

I then saw a loaf of bread made to resemble an envelope with the seal part facing up in triangle form, but this is bread dough & it’s puffed up, cooked, the size of it is squarish, about 8”x8”. I know what this means instantly – the body & blood of Christ or Jesus & Mary, the way I celebrate the Mass. It’s in envelope form to tell me this is our MESSAGE – the Bread of Life has delivered her from Purgatory.

I might add the TRIANGLE image on the envelope represents PERFECTION. God is perfect, we must be perfect to INTEGRATE with God.

I saw her husband, Scott, grieving, lying face down on this bed. There are two black cameras on the side of the bed – probably symbols of memories, the memories they shared & he is grieving they will be no more. I knew he had to get this message as soon as possible so he could rejoice.

Dreamed the Night She Died – She died 11:45PM6-24-22

My dreams:

The Hurt Kitties

I’m in my front yard & my porch & the entire small yard sees to be covered with the blankets of my bed plus the sheet on top. I am just sitting around or reclining, it’s so warm & pleasant here, & decide to go back inside. I’m in the doorway to my living room now & notice it’s just as warm in the house as outside, but just as I’m about to enter the house – maybe I did close the door as for a moment I seem to be looking through my glass door at this:

* {OUTSIDE & INSIDE, BLANKET & SHEET ON YARD & PORCH, GOING INSIDE NOTICE IT’S WARM ON BOTH SIDES: This shows two sides, both warm, pleasant & comfortable. It might mean the prayerful conversations going on OUTSIDE or with Scott & his family, where there is a warm feeling or Love, & INSIDE my house – which is me & my feelings; it is equally warm or Loving. What I see THROUGH A GLASS DOOR is what I UNDERSTAND, it is CLEAR to me or SHOWN to me by the Holy Spirit.} *

A Mother kitty runs onto my porch with several of her kittens. The Mom has some sort of wounds on both sides of her body, like part of the flesh was scooped out; skin & fur cover the wounds. And I notice one of her babies has the exact same wounds!

I look closely at the poor little kitten. There’s a label of sorts attached to her, like a half an inch of skin on a strip of about 4” & on it is written the name of a man, & after that something like ‘Deposit’, which is getting blurry. I sense that this man POISONED the little kitty somehow – & he did it DELIBERATELY, LIKE AN ACT OF MALICE. I vaguely see an EVIL MAN.

*** {WOUNDED MOM CAT & KITTEN: This is Scott & his wife. Scott is the maternal cat, the care giver, who is suffering equally with Brenda. Brenda is the kitten or victim. This sign perplexed me until Scott told me there is a chance their well water is poisoned from a Kodak plant about a mile away, which was dumping their chemical wastes into a lake. This was a while back. OK that gives me the clue. The MAN who poisoned her would be the man who RUNS THE PLANT who didn’t care who he poisoned. That shows MALICE, it is criminal. I saw a criminal look on this man’s face. Then the term ‘Deposit’ perplexed me because there is a town called Deposit not far from here. But it’s not about that – it’s about DEPOSITING CHEMICAL WASTES THAT POISONED THE WATER – even though it’s a mile away it is possible for poisons to leach into the ground water. And the fact that this writing is getting BLURRY shows it was a while back – which is the time the plant was there. I read that Kodak, the entire company, dissolved in 2012. I’ve not been able to discover when this particular plant was in that area dumping poisons into a lake.

These are the 3 main chemicals I discovered that the Kodak plant used which are toxic: methylene chloride, acetone & methanol.

What are the long term effects of methylene chloride?

Methylene chloride exposure poses chronic health risks, including cancer; liver, kidney, …..

What are the long-term health effects of exposure to acetone?

Studies on animals determined that long-term exposure to acetone damages the kidneys, liver …….

It is relevant that Brenda developed liver cancer, which they think started in her bladder.} ***

I then take the baby under my left hand, cup my hand completely over her body – she is so tiny, & at this moment she takes a great sigh of relief, like she is comforted.

*** {GREAT SIGH OF RELIEF – I CUPPED HER WHOLE BODY IN MY HAND: This says two things, one, that the prayers I was saying comforted Brenda greatly & second, this could be the ‘dying breath’ as she passed about a few short hours after we prayed.

CUPPED HER WHOLE BODY IN MY HAND: The hands represent LOVE. She was enveloped in love while we prayed.} ***

And the Mother is nestled on my right shoulder against my neck – she apparently receives comfort also.

* (MOTHER NESTLED AGAINST MY NECK, I was aware still of her wounds: This is SCOTT, the husband, the caregiver, who was ALSO COMFORTED. Why on my shoulder & neck? We usually CRY ON SOMEONE’S SHOULDER for comfort. The neck being right by the shoulder is about the same thing.) *

Next dream that night: Her Purgatory

Purgatory is always nightmarish or stressful to different degrees, but this is not as bad as most Purgatories.

As I dream, I am in the consciousness of the person I’m dreaming about, Brenda, like it’s happening to me. But it’s what she is experiencing. Interesting that I also dreamed her ascension symbolically as if it was happening to me – the change into the chartreuse party dress.

OK, I am on a journey, walking a long distance. At one point, though, I don’t see how to arrive at my destination, it’s tricky, something is blocking my way. I look back, thinking of going back, but to my shock the way back is barred –the doorway I came through is covered over with thick white plaster, as if I’d been in a hallway & gone through this door.

* {JOURNEY I WALK, BUT BEFORE ME IT IS DIFFICULT, BLOCKED. I WAS GOING TO GO BACK, BUT THE WAY BACK IS BLOCKED! Brenda has passed & she cannot re enter the earthly life. It’s finished. And so she must tackle how to gain the Vision of God, which is not yet seen.} *

So I go forward. I’m in a huge building & looking for a window to escape – I see no windows.

But then on one wall I see two spots that might be windows but are covered up. The walls here are made of huge blocks, colored green. So I go to the first place that I think is a window & begin to peel off the covers. There are curtains, then layers of cardboard, many layers, I pull them off one by one, but at the end there is only that wall made of green blocks.

I try again – there’s a place higher than this that I begin peeling things off, many layers, & I finally do get to a real window, not big & it has a milky glass over it that has been raised. I reach up & put my hand there & something bites my hand – it’s a small dog I see.

*** {PEEL OFF LAYERS, NO WINDOW. SECOND SPOT PEEL OFF LAYERS THERE IS A SMALL WINDOW, BUT SOMETHING BITES MY HAND – A SMALL DOG: Here Brenda is trying to leave Purgatory & it’s frustrating. She tries so hard to see God/Love, outside this place. She finally does get an opportunity but as she puts her right hand to hoist herself to this high window something bites her hand – a small dog.

Me to Mother God: Can you help me on what this means? Why would someone bite her hand as she’s trying to see God, & turn out to be a small dog?

Mother God: This could be one small fault or sin not accounted for. She feels it now, it’s a reminder, & this will explain one day in Purgatory – Something not paid for. The HAND is love. She did something small against Love.} ***

Now how do I climb up to this small window & hoist myself out? It’s tricky, but somehow I do manage – I have to do it backward, so that I’m sitting in the window, facing the inside. Then somehow I hoist myself out & I am outside but I can’t see clearly. It’s as if my eyes are blurry or else it’s a thick fog. I look so hard, try so hard to see the outside but can’t see it clearly.

* {BLURRY VISION BUT I AM OUTSIDE ETC: This one day in Purgatory will soon be over. Brenda’s vision of God is still blurry, but she’s getting there. In a short time she will be One with God, assimilated into the Perfect Peace, Love & Joy that is our Reality at the Source.} *

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