College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Cougering Begins

Chapter 8 Begin Cougering The Condom Breaker

written 10-2-22

The IMAGES here are NOT CabHell – My models – I will not post pics of CabHell any place as he was a swine & he might be alive somewhere if not dead from an overdose & might convince someone to sue me if he can get it for free

See end for reaction to article from Pete Jackson

Some of these guys are so UNPLEASANT to think about it’s an ORDEAL writing about them. But I must so just go for it.

Yes, I can see why many people CAN’T write their life stories nor do they want to TALK ABOUT the past because the SHYT you go through & the SHYTS you met are painful to remember. In remembrance you FEEL the awful things you felt then. But God has given me the grace to write this life story; She’ll give me the ability to look at it in the state of NONDUALITY. In that consciousness the pains of the past seem FAR AWAY – like it happened to SOMEONE ELSE.

This guy, I’ll name him CabHell as he was the road or ride to Hell. Anyone who got mixed up with him was in for it, I did later physically for a moment saw 2 of his girl friends & heard about one. Let me describe that.

After I had broken up with Cab I was in this seedy club by the river – on Conklyn Ave – they called it the Conklyn Bar – – where among the crowd dozens of drug dealers would congregate, actually do drugs in the men’s room. The owner was a Jewish guy, weighed about 400 lbs, & asked me on a date! He was so fat I never saw him stand or walk, he could only sit, & yet, because he had money, he had a young wife & child!

The club was different in that every person entering was frisked for metal & had to pay a $2 admission. The place was packed on Wednesday, lady’s night, when women got free drinks until 12am. {Haha how they use women to get men in!}

So here I am sitting by the entrance in a guy’s lap just chilling. I saw CabHell earlier with a female who looked like a worn out heroin addict. Thin, stringy hair, no makeup, vacant expression. He saw me & looked like a startled rat. He was wearing the beautiful expensive leather-lined with fur winter jacket I had bought him a couple years before. It was DIRTY. He could not afford to get it cleaned, I surmised. His salad days were over – I was gone – he was back in the gutter.

So as I’m sitting there she comes over, & says to me,

“YOU had to pay for him – I don’t!”

I had no idea what to say. I mean, if I said something in retaliation there could be trouble. I could have said something like,

“Glad to be rid of him, the mess is yours.”

But then she, not in her right state of mind, could have slapped me, then I am in this guy’s lap, he might have pushed her, then others could have jumped in, etc. So I said NOTHING – the best policy.

This pathetic creature, who I felt sorry for, was trying to make herself bigger, more important than me, like CabHell was some sort of prize. So if she wanted to believe she was special, she got this thing for free while I had to pay, let her keep her pathetic delusion & be happy. God knows she needs every comfort she can get.

Another time, I am in the ‘State St.’ area – the place of all the clubs at that time, where the college kids hang out & everyone who wants to meet them – my stomping grounds. And CabHell shows up, again a couple years after I got rid of him.

He’s hanging with this pasty, dumpy broad – she’s 5’1”, about 160 lbs, no waist, cheap clothes, glasses – sorry looking. After moments I surmise she is one of CabHell’s ex wives, one he’s had a child with. All these ‘ghetto’ guys father children they don’t care for – after all, it doesn’t take much to contribute that teaspoon of sperm.

This lady is with a female friend & keeps squawking how CabHell ‘danced with this other girl’ & she is indignant. She doesn’t even seem to notice me, {he’s talking to me on & off}; I am irrelevant, I guess because of my age. She’s not jealous of me, thank God for small mercies, & keeps complaining about CabHell, that this lovely guy is doing her wrong.

In the gutter there are many rats, the disadvantaged, the poor, the ignorant, the ones of malice, all kinds, & they get involved with other rats, love other rats – it’s where they live, eat & work – if they work – it’s where they function & it’s their world, the world of the gutter rats. And they are important to each other.

I tried to get rid of him once by leaving him in the clubs. But the next morning way early I hear a vehicle pull up ahead of my house – I’m still I bed, I peek out the window & there he jumps out of the back of a pickup truck with a woman driving. Oh no, He figured out how to hitch hike to my house & someone – seeing a guy on the road as well dressed as he figures he must be alright – the clothes I bought him were still fresh & looked expensive. But still, the woman didn’t allow him in the cab, her daughter he tells me was the passenger. Good idea, let what is possibly a wild animal stay in back of the truck, less chance he’ll bite.

The last time I REALLY did see him was a car pulls into my driveway. {I noticed in the country, if I ever knock on the door of a stranger *it happened a couple times for animals in the road – I wanted to tell one man his whole litter of cats was in the road, another man his chickens were lying resting on the worm asphalt right in the way of cars} the people DON’T ANSWER. They ALREADY KNOW – no good thing comes of strangers knocking on rural doors. In retrospect, I can think of only ONE TIME there was anything POSITIVE from a random person stopping at my house – & it was that unfortunate time after I vowed never to answer the door to a stranger again. I had left my car window open – a bad snowstorm had occurred in the night & the car was filled with snow – a kind stranger wanted to tell me. So the ONE TIME it was appositive knock – here I don’t answer.

Other than that, I shall explain elsewhere, it was all BAD STUFF.}

But anyway, CabHell comes barging by with two guys I’ve never met. One guy turned out to be FREESH OUT OF JAIL, 8 years there for holding a gun to people’s heads, shooting into windows, as a member of the Hell’s Angels, & being high on Meth Amphetamine to give himself courage. That was let’s say Joe X. The other guy, not sure what he did, but he said his father was Muslim & under investigation for TERRORISM. Let’s say his name is Joe Z.

I have seen clearly how birds of a feather stick together. You meet one lowlife creep, he will bring ten more to your door. A lowlife bitch/hore, the same thing. One girl like that brought her black boyfriend, {I did NOT invite them}, said they ran a store together. She was ‘fat Cathy,’ an ex neighbor who bothered me to no end – always wanted something. Later she explained to me their ‘store’ sold nothing but stolen goods – he stole them, she sold’m. And she had the temerity to tell me she brought him TO SEE HOW HE COULD HELP ME. No thanks, I don’t buy stolen goods. I’ll tell you many more stories of people at the door later.

This Joe X guy, BTW, was white, handsome & middle aged. He & I became phone friends for a while – he talked a blue streak. When not on drugs, apparently, he was a normal guy {but never trust such a person} & told me anecdotes of prison – things I could never have learned, like how the guards would put the 2 guys who hated each other the most into a cell & let them duke it out & put bets on who would win. Then also how sardines were used like money. Get people to send you sardines & you use them as barter. One black guy he knew was gambling & asked if he could have a couple cans – Joe X said OK. But later the guy came back & stole more. Joe X beat him up. But look out for the ‘lock in a sock.’ They give you locks for your belongings. You put a lock in a sock, swing it, & the guy broke his jaw.

Joe X was an enforcer or loan collector for the Hell’s angels – apparently they give loans as does the mob. When someone didn’t pay he’d hold a gun t their head – the FBI got videos of him doing it. He’d also go to buildings & shoot in windows. He told me he didn’t even know who was in there – just did as he was told.

Now Joe Z was really cute. We started to have a good conversation. Joe X thought we wanted to have sex, so he said to CabHell that they would go out & inspect my forest for Oak trees – as he was a one-time Oak harvester & might buy some. So they left for a while.

Joe Z at this time told me the story of his unfortunate life & the two whacks came back. Joe told me later he thought we wanted to be alone to have sex. I thought that was ridiculous. Most women don’t just jump into sex minutes after they meet a guy – unless it’s maybe fat Cathy & the guy is black, or other fat women I knew.

I once saw this: There was a lower level club on State St, called the Spotlight. It had a 2 level stairwell. A lot of black guy hung in this huge club in one area mostly. One time I’m above & look down to see so many FAT white women on the stairwell – not one thin one among them. I realized they went there to meet black men. I counted them – there were FOURTEEN.

After these 3 stooges left & I was talking to Joe X he asked me,

“Did you give CabHell any money?”

I said no.

He said,

“Because before we went to your house he had none, but after he was spending money.”

I thought about it & recalled I had my purse on the table when they arrived. I wasn’t expecting anyone so my purse was not hidden – after that I always hide it. So CabHell might have helped himself, although I didn’t notice any big loss in my bread. Sometimes thieves don’t take all your money, they take some of it so you won’t know they robbed you.

So Joe X told me CabHell was now living with an adult therapy worker & he was selling drugs. She had to pay for the doses he gave her, but he got the sex for free. I knew the area they lived, a ramshackle block near the ‘Red Oak’ diner.

OK let me get to the beginning. It was way at the start of my Cougar time, when I first went downtown, so it was 2008. I walked into this club that’s called ‘Celtic’ – a nice place – & see what I thought was a handsome black guy – tall – staring into the crowd. I walked up to him & chatted him up. So we talk & he puts me on the spot because I now know he’s a SCHEMER & he interrogated me on & on, was I looking for just a one night stand or a relationship? I wasn’t sure as I didn’t even know the guy, but he pulled it out of me that I wanted to be serious, not a one-night stand. Knowing what I know now, you can’t get much out of a person in one night, but in a relationship, you can get plenty. So he was fishing for what he could get.

God, just the thought of him makes me feel mentally stressed – some people come from Hell to torment the rest of humanity. Let me get to the things that bothered me the most.

The sex. We did sex a couple times. After a few weeks of ‘dating’ which meant me treating him to meals, me taking him to the clubs & paying for drinks, he moved in with me. He saw my beautiful house & ‘wild’ yard {apple trees, a creek, rolling lawns} & got dollar signs in his eyes – this must have been before the apt in town. I actually recall seeing like ‘lights’ dance in his eyes as he sized up my wealth.

But this sex incident ended it for me. I always used condoms, even for blow jobs – I was paranoid of catching

AIDS. I’d not done sex for 30 years & I wasn’t ready to die for a little ‘fun.’ So one time we’re humping along & the condom breaks! I went berserk & he confessed that it happened with him LOTS OF TIMES.

Later I figured it out. This is how evil he was. While he’d be ADJUSTING his dick, aiming it right or fixing the condom, he did one of two things, either he slashed it with his nail – or else he rubbed it with his finger over & over until it broke. Why he did this? Because lowlifes don’t want to wear condoms, if you make them, they take revenge. And if the condom breaks they get extra pleasure.

I told him I’d never have sex with him again. He swore he was clean & begged me but I said if he ever wanted to have sex again, he’d have to go to the free clinic, get tested, & give me the papers. I took him to the clinic; he had no diseases – what a relief. Because if anyone got a disease, it would be a lowlife shagger like him {in England they call fucking shagging, it sounds better than fucking, so I’ll use it.}

Let me think of what other evil he did that really stands out. Probably using the picture of his daughter burned on like 70% of her body – to get drug money – stands out.

I forgot to mention, CabHell did jail time for two things. A huge majority of ghetto guys get time & it isn’t always white people’s fault. I know white people bring drugs into hoods & they partially do it to snare blacks into crime, so they can keep them in jail. At least this was in the past – drugs are so common now there are more white dealers than black. So this is a temptation but one does not have to give in. I know it’s hard for ghetto people to get jobs, but I gave 2 ghetto guys a job, they lasted one day. I picked them up from far away, paid them well, fed them a good lunch, gave them more food to take home, & drove them home. The next day I went to get them – a half hour drive – THEY REFUSED TO WORK, job over. They were LAZY & I’ll explain later, both these guys wanted to either sell drugs or worse yet, STEAL from females they were shagging!

So CabHell got caught for drug dealing & that wasn’t all. He was also shagging an underage girl – for a year – & her Mom turned him in. When I met him he was no teen, he was 32 so he was old enough to know better. But this mentality guy just seems to be asking for trouble – taking chances – they don’t love themselves enough, even though they are egomaniacs – egomaniacs have weak egos, not strong ones. Anyway, he did time for this girl, over a year.

The drug dealing also had no excuse – because he had a great job with the electric company. But he wanted more. Go figure. I met another guy like that. Had a job, but wanted more money. And it always lands them into jail.

Of course, we are given so many excuses for these guys until there are none left. Everyone like me wants to give them another chance, help them, they might change for the better. But THEY NEVER DO, they stay evil, they do evil, & if you get involved you are IN FOR IT.

Now back to his daughter. One of his women had two kids by him, a boy & girl. When the girl was maybe 10, he said the wife left a candle by the window in a room somewhere, the wind blew the curtain onto the candle & started a fire. CabHell & his wife & the other child got out safe, but the poor girl got burns all over her body & he had a picture of her to show people to feel sorry for her & HIM.

Whose fault was the fire? Both of them, because he knew there was a candle, he could have made sure it was out, or never burn candles like that in the first place. But they didn’t do right, they are responsible, they caused it.

He was bragging to me how great he was treated by the govt who set them up in a nice motel with all the amenities. Truly, his mind was only on himself. But all this had not got digested for me yet – I had not yet turned against him, hearing to his self justification, delusions & lies.

One day we’re sitting in this swank coffee shop – ‘The Spot’ & he begins to tell me what it was like in jail. And he starts a monologue how this guy taught him to con someone out of money by some internet scheme, he went on & on. I said,

“You know, I don’t want to hear this. You are interested in learning from this thief how to con people out of money? Can’t you see how evil that is?”

So he stopped talking about it. Then he tells me the story of his poor little girl & takes out her picture. He carried it around all the time to show people. Then he tells me he never had the money to buy her anything & he recently spoke to her & she said she never got any treats or soda she wanted, from her Mother. He would like to ‘borrow’ $40 from me to buy her some sweet things.

My inner voice told me not to give him the money, but I was & maybe still am ‘a soft touch’ & I feel sorry for people easily, & I give easily so I disobeyed my inner voice & gave him the money.

Then I was obligated to ‘take him to his daughter,’ which I did & after taking him to the store, where he supposedly got her sweets & soda she wanted, I stopped at the house he said she was visiting & waited. I waited an hour. Finally he comes out & I need some things at the grocery store, & I am exhausted, so I ask him to go in & get the items for me, & I gave him like $70 for it & he goes in & comes back. He puts my items in the trunk.

Then he tells me he called his daughter, that they deprived her of most of the goodies he got her – they drank & ate the treats up, & he wanted to stop there again & give her a bit more. And you are going to laugh – I fell for it. He needed another $20 – I give it to him, go back to that house & wait. And wait, & wait. An hour & a half goes by, it’s cold.

I begin to realize I’ve been taken for a fool. What am I doing here? Just go home, so I do. Mind you, this is far away, over a half hour drive from my house, but I go home.

Within a short time he wangles his way back into my house & he’s getting worse by the day.

If yu know thse type people you know they get worse over time. They feel you out, God forbid if you are nice, they aren’t afraid of you. He began to hound me about his ‘business’ scheme, that of finding damaged cars, fixing them & selling them for lots of money. All ne’er do wells have schemes, & they want other people’s money to implement them, they don’t know what work is. It’s in their blood to con, lie, cheat & steal – that is their stock in trade. That’s what they’re good at.

You don’t know this when you first get involved, sometimes it is revealed after a while & it gets worse.

So it got worse. When I would not give him the front money he wanted, he started making evil faces at me, I mean really ugly that were scary. He could do me physical harm.

When we went downtown he’d ask for his ‘drinking money’ up front so I would not have to buy his drinks one at a time, then he’d disappear for over an hour, I know he was scoring drugs now, but then he’d say he met this or that person & did this or that, these con artists are professional liars, they work at it, so for a while some of them can fool anyone. God help you if you get involved.

And morals? Like loyalty? Never heard of it, it’s a foreign idea to them. I buy him another jacket that very day – Over a couple months I gave him a new wardrobe worth about 3k. So we go t the club, he’s wearing this brand new suede light grey jacket I bought him that day – he leaves me & is dancing with another girl, gazing into her eyes. He NEVER DANCED WITH ME! No matter what, I could never get him to dance with me for over a minute, he’d just walk away, neither fast nor slow dancing, I have no idea why. Maybe I should channel as it’s mysterious.

ME: CabHell, why didn’t you ever dance with me?

CH: Because I didn’t want people to know you were my girl. I wanted to stay ‘single,’ live the single life while using you. You were just someone to use, like all my girl friends were, white or black.

ME: But when we were at your sisters & stopped at this club you also wouldn’t dance with me. It was only your family & strangers in that place

CH: I hated you, I didn’t want t give you the pleasure, like that would be showing love or liking someone. I hated you because you wouldn’t give me any more money, I knew it was over.

ME: Are you demonic? Are you paving your road to the real Hell for eternity? Have you turned your back on God?

CB: I don’t know what God is, it’s not in my mentality, so I guess I am Hell bent. I don’t care. I only care about this world, conning people, getting high, doing sex, pretending to be a big shot – all the evil things you spoke of & more. I don’t care about Heaven or Hell.

ME: OK, then you are Hell bent. For all I know you could be overdosed & in Hell by now. Wherever you are, you earned it, lol. {End of channeling}

How I got rid of him. It cost me, but I finally did get rid of him. He found his sister on the internet – he’d not seen her in years. I was praying to God to save me from him, & this was it. She was in Pennsylvania, abut a two hour drive by bus. So he made a date to go see her. I told him I’d give him the money – go by yourself, but he wouldn’t have it, I had to go with him.

So we go, I am sick of the sight of him & being near him, now that I know what he is, but go I must.

His sister was a lovely person, she had a drug-dealer boyfriend & 3 beautiful daughters by him, one 16, one 6 & the tiny one about 4. The sister is an angel, the daughters are delightful.

When we first got to the station I was going to leave him as soon as they came to pick him up, I would say I’m not going, but I chickened out, felt it might hurt the sister, so we go to her place.

One problem of getting rid of him was his clothes. I had bought him about 10 pairs of pants, 10 jackets & 10 shirts – even with cuff links, & so if I tell him to ‘get out’ I need to take his clothes some place also – but he never had anywhere to go so the clothes were a problem. We brought a few items with us but most were still at my house.

So I ask his sister to be an arbiter, I have problems with CabHell & want to tell her. She listens for a while. He refutes everything I said & keeps accusing me of ‘wanting other men.’ Of course I want other men, anyone but him.

But after listening to both of us she is tired & exasperated, there’s no resolution, she begs off & goes to sleep. She saw my side, she said had she met someone like me she would become a success. And she warns him that his brother died of drugs, she knows he’s still on them, & unless he quits, he’s in danger. He denies if but of course, he sneaks drugs – when I’d be in my room upstairs I could sometimes smell weird smells coming from downstairs like he was cooking for crack cocaine or heroin.

BTW – 9 out of 10 people who go into rehab relapse, so if you are involved with someone who WAS on drugs don’t expect them to be free – you’re in for the ride of your life. They torture to death everyone around them.

OK one day his sis is out of the house working. I want to get a cab, get the bus & leave town & he knows it. He tried to stop me, & blocks my way into the bedroom to get my shoes, so I leave the place with my socks on – it’s cold but fuck it, I have to get out.

He follows me, walking fast, I walk fast. I could have stopped a cop, they were right by me in a car, but didn’t want to get him into trouble, so I keep going. Finally his sis’s boyfriend comes home. He meets us at this restaurant right across the street & tries to talk reason to Cab. But Cab has no reason, he’s insane, & he keeps raising his voice. People are staring. – His objective with me? It isn’t love, he has none, he doesn’t know what it is, it’s the free ride, the clothes, the money he might get. I am the cash cow, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, & now he’s losing me, the best deal he’ll ever have & he knows it. After me, it’s back to the gutter – after his sis gets to know him of course & throws him out as well.

After much to-do with the sis, the boyfriend of hers, she decides they’ll keep him {not for long} & they’ll give me a ride back to my house & get his clothes, & I’ll be rid of him forever! Whoopee do!

We start out in the bf’s van. I get insulted by her best friend. This wise acre black lady – who says she’s a Christian but carries on with a married German & ‘God understands’ asks me which is my favorite scripture. I tell her,

‘I am the resurrection & the life, he who lives in me, though he die, shall live.”

Then she says to me,

“When you give CabHell a blow job, do you take out your false teeth?”

Everyone laughs but CabHell does pipe in, I must give him credit,

“All her teeth are real.”

Before we get to my house we stop at a Subway shop & I buy everyone a meal. Then at my house they pack in all the clothes I bought him & I give them several of my most beautiful blankets – including one that I loved so much it hurt. But I sacrificed it to thank God for getting rid of dirt.

CabHell asks to speak to me alone, get on his knees, & begs to stay but I say no.

So those are the highlights of my first ‘boyfriend’ as a Cougar. God help you if you meet someone like him. You must plan your getaway as soon as you realize someone is not right, even if you suspect. No appeasement, take this for example, re the onset of World War II:

“The most famous example of appeasement is Chamberlain signing the Munich agreement which resulted in Germany taking the Sudetenland from Czechoslovakia. Chamberlain hoped this would be the end of Hitler’s demands, although other politicians such as Churchill warned otherwise.”

“How did appeasement affect Hitler?

Appeasement encouraged Hitler to be more aggressive, with each victory giving him confidence and power. With more land, Germany became better defended, with more soldiers, workers, raw materials, weapons and industries. This then shows the first way that appeasement caused World War II.”

Remember, when you do something for someone they expect it again – & again. Sometimes they want more, & more. This goes for animals as well as people, some get spoiled, some, like this guy, downright dangerous.

When you suspect something is not right – with all your might, try to get rid of the person as soon as possible.

And oh yes, within a couple months the sister got rid of him & didn’t tell him where she moved to.

I wish I could say this was the last time I dealt with a lowlife, but unfortunately, there were a few more. They wear masks when you meet them; it takes time for the masks to come off. {End Chapter 8}

Reaction to this from Pete Jackson: That guy CabHell, aptly named, sounds like a real lowlife indeed, absolute trash, hopelessly stuck in the very gutter of consciousness. As he will most likely remain in his next life as well. Most likely in Hell proper, but if he is lucky, maybe he could be reincarnated as pond scum, lol. We all go back to where we belong, and people like him apparently belong in a much darker place.

What you say about appeasement is very true. I have also learned that the hard way as well with several people I thought I knew that seemed to be genuine and good until their masks belatedly fell off. The more you give (or worse, lend) to a lowlife or narcissist of any sort, the more they demand. Every single time. They are never ever satisfied for long, and always want more more more, even after promising that it will be the last time and never again (right!). And whenever you tell them no more after they inevitably ask again, or heaven forbid, ask them to give back what they borrowed, they turn it around accuse you of being the selfish one and tell another sob story and say things like “life is not a controlled experiment” as their lame excuse for breaking their word again and again. Such utter chutzpah and entitlement mentality. But sooner or later, karma will inevitably get them good. Best wishes and have a good night, Pete

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Helping Souls

Helping Souls from Purgatory & One on Earth – Dream

9-28-22 Get rid of people invading my house but one remains!

The dream begins with a MOVE for me for the better.

I’m WORKING in a room that is in B’klyn, but it is also Mario’s room at the old farm house. It’s in black & white, cold, dreary.

* {MARIO’S ROOM: This ALWAYS portends SEPARATION, a serious kind. There is no relationship, a breakup, an ending. It was my heartbreak when I found Dad would be with us no more but the new man Marius was there – but then Marius also disappeared. It’s cold & dreary. This might be about the DEATH OF NICK.} *

But I am given or shown a house that is beautiful, comfortable, large, cozy, many rooms. This house gives me a great deal of pleasure when I inhabit it. I was given this LONG AGO, it pops up seldom in my dreams & this house has, in the middle of the second floor, a room that is NOT USED. When I see this house I see an EMPTY room sometimes off to the side – almost like a sacred/secret room – but this one’s in the middle. It has pink hues.

So I bring my work to this middle room & it’s SO MUCH NICER.

*** {THE NICER HOUSE I WAS GIVEN LONG AGO BUT DON’T VISIT OFTEN IN MY DREAMS: A house is a STATE OF MIND as well as EMOTION – It’s one’s CONSCIOUSNESS. Jesus said

“In my Father’s house are many mansions,”

& also

“I go to prepare a place for you.”

It’s a place of consciousness, Heaven being symbolized by MANSION rather than an ordinary house, hut or wilderness. A mansion represents LUXURY – having all you want, so it would be pleasurable states such as fulfillment & happiness. A regular house such as some people have in Heaven, or an apt, is a lower state of consciousness, not the extreme joy of Great Saints. A hut would be very low, even a place in Purgatory. A WILDERNESS is a God-forsaken place where one is LOST & NOT INTIMATE with God. I have been in a wilderness after gaining the Divine Interior Stigmata, as well as when I was in love with Nick & my mind veered off God, I was hypnotized or addicted to Nick, & it was painful.

This house or something like it I have seen many times, it fulfills me greatly. This appears here to herald or announce that this person, who needs my help, which is WORK for me, gives me satisfaction – “It is better to give than to receive.” I am not to help EVERYONE just as I cannot assist all Souls in Purgatory – just those that are GIVEN ME by God. By the same token, this is intimating this Soul on earth is given me by God, as it fulfills a good state of mind & heart. It is saying ‘go for it – help him.’ In other words, the Will of God sanctions this} ***

Then I’m BEHIND the house enjoying life. I am about to enter the house from the back door, noticing it has terrific security. On top of the regular door, it has a wood door that is about 5” thick, solid, which no one could break through, then the regular door, painted green. So I begin entering the door when I hear NOISES inside the house & who on earth could this be?

I have allowed NO ONE access to my house!

*** {ACCESS TO MY HOUSE, NO ONE IS ALLOWED: My consciousness now permits no ATTACHMENTS, that is to say no focus or strong attention to any person. I need to be isolated, alone with God to do my work – like a hermit or anchorite. To have even ONE human invade or my becoming attached to them destroys my consciousness! It is the state of SPIRITUAL POVERTY. This ‘poverty’ actually gives the greatest LUXURY of spirituality! I want to be happy, joyful, not cluttered with ‘baggage’ the way the ‘rich man’ was who could not get through the gate called ‘eye of the needle.’

My security is usually perfect, but what happened here, who are these people in my consciousness?} ***

But when I enter the living room, there is an old man – about say 60, & 2 ancient ladies with him who look 90. Here they are sitting pretty as you please in the middle of my living room. I notice it’s furnished nicely in a kind of old but new furniture, lots of light colors, pictures on the walls, lots of light & windows, white or cream colored rugs.

This man is someone I met briefly, just an acquaintance, & I ask him what is going on?

*** {OLD MAN WITH 2 ANCIENT LADIES IN MY LIVING ROOM: This is a SAINT – Don’t know who – he’s brought me 2 SOULS IN PURGATORY! The celestials have access to my consciousness as I am a sworn minister to Purgatory. They are allowed to enter my mind at any time to bring me Souls – I have never refused one. It says this is a Saint I am not real close to like one of my ‘regulars’.

The ladies shown as ancient seem to be symbols of those who are so old they die. Half their hair is gone & they are not CONSCIOUS OF ME as they don’t HEAR ME. The SAINT is the go between, they are communicating with him. This saint could also be someone I got out of Purgatory before. It happens once in a while – Souls I helped before now use my ‘office’ to get those they know or love out of Purgatory, it’s collaboration between me & them.} ***

He somehow explains obtusely that these are needy women from some place like Sweden – displaced persons who came to this country but had no place to live.

* {DISPLACED PERSONS: Souls in Purgatory who have arrived, by the Grace of God, into my consciousness – My Heavenly world, seeking refuge, comfort & help! They have lost their ‘homeland’ which is Heaven} *

It seems somehow, along with these 2 women is a CROWD of the same kind of persons – I see them somehow here but not here – later they will appear physically.

When the old man agrees to take these old ladies out of my house, the crowd mentioned appears – mostly females. They are well dressed about 30 to 50 of them, & they are like CELEBRATING & even TAKING PICTURES of all of them! I am behind the people & seem ‘short’ & not wanting to be in the picture, I slink away to the right.

In the middle of this crowd one lady stands out, in a dress like the one I had on in yesterday’s dream, similar, like darkish with floral or specks in all colors. She has on a hat & accessories – they are all well dressed & happy!

This SURPRISED ME as here I EVICTED these people so why are they happy at this departure? They are KINFOLK & have PLACES for those leaving. Not sure where the old man sits but in the next scene he’s explaining the last lady – who is left.

*** {CROWD OF HAPPY PEOPLE – WELL DRESSED – LADY IN SPECKED DRESS WITH ACCESSORIES – CELEBRATING AT THIS EXIT, HAVE PLACES FOR THEM! What amazing symbols! These are people IN HEAVEN somehow related to or connected with these ancient ladies, who are now EXITING PURGATORY & so of course, they are happy. This is the welcoming party. The lady in the fancy getup seems to be pivotal. Good clothes are the LIGHTS & RADIANCE of Heaven, sometimes special MEDALS OR honors for work on earth {jewels, accessories, decorations}.

I consider myself no more than a bystander – the lady mentioned plus the saint are the ones who did this, my office was used for a station on earth but I take no credit, so I leave the scene as a ‘small’ or not important player.} ***

After this exit there is one more lady who is left behind. She’s in a previous room. She has ‘collapsed’ or lied down on her right side onto a spread out turquoise towel. My rug is white, she’s in the middle of the floor.

The old man tells me,

“They had no place for her.”

I was perplexed, what now?

*** {ONE LEFT BEHIND – NO PLACE FOR HER: This is sooooooooo interesting. Yesterday I made a meal for a teenage boy who’s stopped by a couple times asking me for work. I’ve been hesitant to employ him as he comes from a severely troubled family & I don’t want any fallout from that.

But God is telling me in this dream that it’s like helping Souls in Purgatory. They are helpless, in great need. I help, they ascend into Heaven where there is A PLACE FOR THEM.

But this person is ON EARTH & so, where will he go? There is no refuge or safe harbor for him except me.

And God is telling me my consciousness will improve – She gives me the ‘wonderful house’, so this will help me as well as him, it is destined. In other words, the beginning of the dream shows me in a place of emptiness or separation at Nick’s death. Then I am given this luxury house & a person collapses init. I have the means, spiritually, to help & should do it.

He collapsing on my white rug is his collapse upon my good will & heart. The towel is ‘throw in the towel’ when you can’t take any more. The blue is sorrow, the green within the color scheme is ‘alive on earth.’ He is desperate, has collapsed & God is saying to me not to hesitate but help.

Another Soul in Purgatory – but this one on earth.

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Wisdom of the Cross

Chapter 5 Wisdom of the Cross vs Worldly Wisdom written 9-25-22 also How Abuse Makes

You Strong also Suicide Attempt of Spoiled half Sister

In my life being reviewed, there are situations where it seems I didn’t ‘act smart’ or ‘do the right thing,’ like marrying the millionaires who wanted me. I explained as best I could I didn’t feel these were the right moves for me, & today I got an insight.

My life has been led by ‘the Wisdom of the Cross’ rather than that of the world, so let’s get an explanation. What is one kind, & what is the other?

The wisdom of the world is exactly the OPPOSITE of the Cross. If you see this by the Light of the life of Jesus, you see that he did the ‘wrong’ things in the eyes of the world – he brought about his own punishment & death. But he did the Will of God in all things, & the Will of God brought upon him the wrath of Society but the protection & Grace of God. My life is like that.

With Jesus, there are those who believe he was an itinerant preacher in India, possibly during his 12 to 29 yrs absent from the bible, & also after he survived the crucifixion & went back to India. There’s a book, “The Life of Saint Issa’ by Nicholas Notovitch who traveled through the areas where Jesus was & there is documentation in the monasteries. There’s also a video by the BBC which explains ‘Jesus in Kashmir’, what happened after his Crucifixion.

Wherever Our Lord went he caused conflict, & with that comes persecution & danger. The world is not one of God, like He said, ‘Satan is the Prince of this world,’ & so when one preaches Truth, one comes up against the Prince of Darkness & his vassals. Obviously these are TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS – He said, ‘My Kingdom is not of this world!

To represent the Truth brings trouble in a world built on lies. If Jesus followed the ‘wisdom’ of the world He’d not have condemned the Pharisees, He would have been diplomatic with them – but he called them names & denounced them in front of the people. If he wanted safety He would not have turned over the money changer’s stalls in the Temple – He was ASKING FOR TROUBLE. But He was teaching & preaching through his actions.

In my case, had I wanted the peace of this world – not of God – I would have played along with Mom, denounced my Dad & turned my back on him. But I resisted her & welcomed Dad when he visited, even sleeping on the foldout couch with him. That was my first ‘mistake’ in worldly wisdom.

I made many other ‘mistakes’ by following God. I did things society HATED like female body building. I gained the wrath of many a man – believe it or not, as late as 2007 as I was about the receive my award as Progenitor, a man, when he found out what I was really about – the emancipation of women – pleaded with Dan Lurie not to give me the award. A few people argued against me. But in the end, I won.

Now take note that those who buck the world but obey God are not sitting ducks. They receive from God her Love & Her Grace, which includes Protection. It is the Supernatural that we have faith, hope & trust in – It is the Supernatural that we are part of, that we depend on, & in the end, not always right away, we are awarded, rewarded & exonerated by God. If we do not gain happiness on earth, each time we obey God during hardships, our souls become more radiant, & this acquisition will last into Eternity. The world cannot crush us forever; it can do so temporarily, but not even that at all times. In some cases, we gain what we lost on earth while we are still here.

As for example, they thought they killed Jesus, but the Grace of God gave him Joseph of Arimathea & Nicodemus, who brought healing herbs, got him out of the grave, took him to some undisclosed place to recover. He appeared to the disciples time & again, straightened them out, then went on his way, living to the ripe age of 81, ministering in Tibet, & is buried in Kashmir.

And that is why I did not marry the several multi-millionaires who wanted me. In the end, I did marry a rich man, who gave me enough for all my needs & future. {I made my own million before that, I proved myself, no beggar was I.}

This was God’s way – not my endeavor. I resisted marrying Richard for years but in the end – God MADE ME marry him, explained elsewhere.

I was harshly criticized for many things I did, but I followed the beat of the distant drummer from Heaven. My mind & heart were always with the Infinite God. I was not & am not ‘of this world’ or its mentality. And because of this, I trust in God, not money, not men, not anything but God, & the Almighty blesses me. That’s what makes me DIFFERENT. Most women are focused on MEN – My mind is centered on God, my whole life began with God, remained with God & will end with God.

Chapter 6 Insight Re How Abuse Makes One Strong

For many years I kept asking God, why the abuse? Why did you allow it? And the only answer I’d get was ‘to make you strong.’ But how, I could not discern.

Then after writing the previous, this came to me from Mother God:

“Think of it as resistance training. When you lift weights you pick up an amount that takes strength, it RESISTS YOU, & you have to CONQUER IT.

Abuse is like that. Your Mother says or does things that hurt you. You must resist those actions, with a COUNTER THOUGHT or ACTIVITY, & that EXERCISES your POSITIVE EXISTENCE. Let’s say she says in word or deed,

“You are WORTHLESS.”

You counter with,

“How can I be worthless while being created by God & God loves me? Would God love something worthless? And I have DONE MY BEST that I know to do. I have harmed no one; I have not committed sin, so how could I be worthless?”

On the other hand, she treated your brother & other family members like they were IMPORTANT. This SPOILED them into delusional thinking, that they meant more than you & others. That is the WORST thing that can happen. It’s better to be abused, within reason, than spoiled. Being spoiled causes sin – the sin of feeling vain, proud, superior & LOOKING DOWN on others. Your bro was no more important than you or anyone else just because Mom gave that impression. Being spoiled did not demand his exercise of VIRTUE. He was LAZY in that he’d take the EASY WAY OUT, like the landscaping business you mentioned {in Part 8}. He did not GO OUT OF HIS WAY to create a success, the project FAILED. And when Mom bought him a property that could have been lucrative, he took it for granted, he SURVIVED, he worked & PROVIDED, but he did not KILL HIMSELF so to speak, didn’t go ‘the extra mile’ toward big success, & when he died, he left his family in debt. He wife, a senior citizen, had to return to work to remain solvent.

Your bro & others like that, are like the High Society people who INHERIT MONEY, prestige & status. For NO REASON they feel superior, they Lord it over others. But basically, they have no skills how to survive, like for example, making their own food, doing menial chores like taking care of animals, keeping the house clean – all the things that servants do – the ‘underlings.’ Indeed, they have other skills / traits like education, refined manners, conversational skills, social dancing, even horseback riding but not horse tending. They have skills that make them get along with other wealthy people & gain favor in society, sometimes achieve that kind of success, but not basic skills of survival when all is taken away. These type people – like royalty – expect money to come from somewhere; endowments, annuities & inheritances. Strip them of societal help – put them out on the street & they will flounder. Think of the account of ‘The Prince & the Pauper.’

The main idea of The Prince and the Pauper -

In Mark Twain’s The Prince and the Pauper there is a clear disconnect between the wealthy and the poor. The rich, in their lofty positions in fine estates away from the dirt, noise, and misery in London’s slums, they place no value on the lives of the poor.

Tom Canty, the pauper, was raised with his sister by Dad & Grandma to beg on the streets & when not enough was garnered, beaten mercilessly. The Prince, upon entering his social milieu, saw that poor people were burned alive & hanged for minor offences.

{As a child my Dad read this book to me in Lithuanian, called, “Princas ir Elgeta.’ I was deeply impressed.}

Mother God continues: Your brother always expected help from Mom & she always gave it. From childhood he was privileged, like the time you were 7 years old, he almost ten, when he tricked you into what he hoped would be impalement on his spear. As explained in Part 3, he had a stick which he sharpened for 2 days. When it was ready he suggested you prove yourself, how fast you could run, without the spear getting struck by the cobblestones {in the back yard} & you had to run as fast as possible, holding the spear toward your body, & NOT get hit by a cobblestone.

He plotted this, looking at you with a devious smile while he whittled, & you being a gung ho naïve, eager to prove yourself person, did what he asked.

Suddenly in the middle of it you did hit a rock – hard – & it thrust not into the vagina, as your bro hoped, but into your left thigh. Your Guardian Angels prevented disaster – a thrust in the vaginal area would have penetrated your intestines, caused toxemia & you could have died within days.

But instead, it was a flesh wound, albeit a bad one that took weeks to heal & months for the scab to fall off.

Your Mom did NOT take you to the doctor to sew up the wound for fear your brother would get into trouble, she risked your life rather than the far chance he might get blamed. That was the first big incident of favoritism to him, a lower value put on you. {Your Dad did nothing as Mom was the bully – he obeyed her.}

This was only the beginning of favoritism to him & deprivation to you – You the pauper, he the Prince.

And through the years you were so deprived, so downgraded by her & those she marshalled {Dad abandoned you} that by the time you left home you looked to no one for a meal ticket – you relied on yourself, your faith in God, trust & confidence in her. Seeing no way out of your misery, you had to really ‘kill yourself’ to survive. You were literally out on the street when the main who took you to Hollywood left you there – with no friends, family – nothing. Somehow through faith & work, you survived, & a few years later living in a beautiful house in Beverly Hills – {attained through WORK, not chicanery or being given anything by any man} – & the same man who dropped you on the street visited & dropped his jaw. He could not comprehend how you had thrived. He said he’d get you into Playboy but did not. Then he saw you in the magazine as ‘Miss Nude Universe ‘ – they gave him your address, & there he came, astounded & left without understanding.

There was another low point in your life in the mid 80’s. You were unhappy with the Stripping career, as no matter how hard you worked, how famous you got, you had no money. The agent you had could only get you about 6 jobs a year – yes, you got 2,500 to 4 thousand a week six times a year. You had no money in the bank. At one point he got you nothing for 6 months – You didn’t realize that he wasn’t even trying. Prior to that, you got him the names & phone numbers of places you could work – but they would not book a dancer directly, it had to be through an agent, & he’d call, make the gig, & demanded 20%. This was Don DeCarlo from Pittsburgh. Another agent you had had was in NYC, only charged 10% – You told Don from now on, it was 10%, which was fair. And that was the end – he didn’t even LOOK for a job for you – he was so pissed you downed his salary. So you had no job for 6 months & you survived because you lived modestly.

At that point you sought a way out. You had to be inventive, use your imagination. You put ads in the paper, as you had many fans, where men could date you {no sex} for a price & could speak to you by phone, if they paid. This brought in maybe $100. a week.

There was only one man who paid for dates – a foot & leg man, he took you out about 5-6 times. You had to wear special stockings & high heeled shoes, you were out for several hours, going to a few different bars in the city. He bought the special stockings he wanted, you had the shoes, he’d gaze at your legs & feet the entire night, then pay you something like $75, then went to his hotel & presumably had a good time with his thoughts.

There were several men who paid you to talk – it wasn’t even about sex, but they went on & on past the time they paid for, some would drag it out for 2 hours, it was exhausting.

Then there was Joe from Middletown NY who was madly in love with you. He sent you about $150 a week & you talked on the phone at least one hour, & this helped the most. You were making it, but by the skin of your teeth.

It was then that God stepped in & by a process more complicated than we’ll go into now, God presented you a business. It’s explained in one of your books, but this business turned out to be so lucrative you took in one million dollars in sales by ten years.

It was a video production business. You had to make pictures to sell, then videos of you dancing. This later turned into domination & fetish videos & you gathered a huge client base, about 3k paying customers & your videos, most of which were custom made, sold for big money. They even resold them on 42^nd street, giving you 10k at a time for copies to resell. And the man who sold them said he made ‘great money.’

You had to learn new skills– it was the first time you owned a business – You had to learn video production – a new art! It was complicated. You worked your ass off & it paid off. You were a great success, new articles appeared re you & your videos in all the men’s magazines & underground papers.

This was ingenuity, creativity & zeal. Your bro had none of that, because his needs were met by Mom. You relied on God & yourself. This meant you had to have VIRTUE, the virtues of faith, hope, trust, fortitude, determination – all those things that bring success. God gave you the Grace, you worked with it – Just as God gives you the Grace RIGHT NOW to write your life story!

In the last two years you have written 7 books! This is the 8^th, called Part 9 {the first was published years ago}. This ability came from Grace, it’s not native to the flesh – Few humans could do what you’ve done, certainly not anyone you know, certainly no member of your family. And if anyone of them disputes your rendition of events, tell them to write accounts of what really happened, & you bet your bippy they won’t be able to.

To go on, the strength you portrayed in the events of your life – going against the system, beating at odds in various endeavors, breaking ground for women where others had not gone before – took courage. This virtue & others were honed by a hard life coupled with Grace, there is no other way – at least, not for you. So here you are, you have attained your dreams or wishes & its not over yet.

Another SPOILED Family Member tries to COMMIT SUICIDE

Another case might be BAFFLING is my half sister, probably the love child of Mom & Marius, who I shall call Nihil.

I’ve spoken re her before, but not spilled the beans re her attempted suicide.

What amazed me is how well she was treated compared to me, right up into adulthood when I saw her last, & yet, somehow it did her little good.

She’s a mixed case of success & in the end – what to me is FAILURE as another person, friend of the family, has to SUBSIDIZE her life style! I mean MONEY is sent to her every month by someone else!

As I explained before, I taught her to read & write age four, then draw, taught her Sunday school – read to her from the bible, taught her various things like card games, reciting poetry, acting. I was her ‘Nanny’ with no thanks whatsoever.

When I visited at my Aunt’s house – can’t recall the year – say she was 10 years old, I was startled to see they gave her a huge tank with lizards. Such a luxury given me would have been UNTHINKABLE.

Years later, don’t know how, My Mom had purchased the exquisite house next to Aunt’s. At that time Nihil was sent to RIDINGSCHOOL {I have a pic somewhere, but where, with her jumping over a fence, replete with horsewoman uniform, helmet, etc} & they bought her A HORSE! I have no idea how much Aunt had to do with this as Mom USED AUNT, her younger sister, a lot. Aunt & Uncle had no children & their money situation was good so they might have subsidized some or all of this.

It was during this time it happened. Yes, I was speaking to Nihil at the time. I recall our last conversation before it happened. It was my daughter’s birthday – we were living in B’klyn. I’m on the phone with Nihil, bragging how I baked not a two layer, but a FOUR LAYER CAKE in all colors for her birthday.

A few days later I get a call. Nihil had gone into the woods behind the house & run out having cut both her wrists, bleeding profusely. They took her to the hospital – later the mental hospital. Here she stayed for months, the bill, once again, NOT paid by my Mom but a friend of the family. It was 16k if I remember right – what today would be around 75k! Mom always got someone to bail her out!

She never told anyone why she did it, to this day it’s a mystery. But the next summer she got the same kind of depression, would not get out of the bed. Aunt had to call the medics & they took her away in a straight jacket! Again, she stayed in the hospital for months, with another HUGE BILL! The same friend paid the bill.

Third summer comes by. Now Mom is in the General Hospital with lung cancer. And sis is getting the SAME SYMPTOMS. I am called by the family friend. Nihil is showing symptoms again of a collapse. There’s no money left, she’ll have to be put into the psyche ward of the hospital Mom is in! This would be brutal. She asks me to help.

OK go to the ‘Lady’s Chapel’ at St. Patrick’s Cathedral NYC. There I sit & pray for FOUR HOURS. I see Lights & Visions.

She is HEALED, at least to a point where once again she can function & never collapses again. The trauma is averted.

Nihil finishes college, she even goes into the military where she’s taught to CARRY A GUN & after 10 years, in the regular life she works in the realm of SECURITY where she also carries a gun. This gun business makes me wonder, she must have kept her attempted suicide a SECRET as would that disqualify her from military? I was told by my Officer friend at the Pentagon

“She must not have told them.”

OK, fine. She’s in many ways a success. Graduated an art college {because I taught her to draw} – Served in the military with honor for ten years, worked at good jobs all her life until retirement. Gets married to a guy she met while in service. They have two incomes.

But why is she too broke to afford Cable TV, lol? A lady friend is now subsidizing them so they can afford a few extras. To me – this is FAILURE. And why so, when she was not abused, but to my estimation, SPOILED?

And what did I get for those four hours of prayer, which I know HEALED & helped her? What I got was a kick in the pants. When Mom was buried, her hate lived on in the hearts & minds of other members of the family. They brainwashed Nihil against me & she’s not spoken to me since 1979! And did anyone acknowledge my help those hours in Our Lady’s Chapel? Of course not.

Being spoiled did not make Nihil strong or honorable. Like my bro, she was used to being coddled, favored & supported. And what did it get her? Someone is helping her financially, & she, a college graduate with an income plus her husband’s income– still needs someone to send her money.

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Nick’s Regrets

Nick Regrets the Past – He wants to pose for me now but he hasn’t got a body

9-22-22 Nick Flips Back to Purgatory after Heaven – He can see now what a mistake he

made, he could have been part of a brilliant future

I don’t know how this happens but it seems, in the last few dreams {I did not record them} Nick has flipped back to a Purgatorial state after reaching Heaven. This doesn’t seem to make sense, as we are told ‘Heaven is Forever.’ But upon thinking, I have been on the other side, in Heaven, twice in my lifetime, but then came back to earth.

Is it therefore, by the same token, possible to see or enter Heaven temporarily after death, the flip back to Purgatory to continue one’s cleansing? By this dream it seems so.

First we are all in a house that is about 3 stories high, with a big picture window onto the street. The air is reddish, inside the house & outside. Our building is B’klyn, but unlike there, it’s made of all wood. There is a STORM, thunder & lightning & it gets WORSE – the entire building moves like an earthquake hit but the only person who is affected is Nick, who FALLS toward me, onto me. We wait for the earthquake to continue but it stops. End of that scene.

* {NICK IS AFFECTED BY AN EARTHQUAKE, FALLS ONTO ME, RED AIR INSIDE & OUT, WOODEN BUILDING: The red air is SUFFERING {blood} everywhere – inside & out. The wooden building is SUFFERING – the Cross. The earthquake affects no one but Nick. This is saying the suffering is ABOUT NICK, not anyone else {there were maybe half a dozen people here, male & female, including me}. It is the SUFFERING that KILLED NICK – in other words, he took more drugs to try to stop his suffering, & when he took his final dose he FELL UPON ME, which means, he GOT CLOSER TO ME. Who is ME? It’s the GOD SELF. Like I said in Part 8 ‘He died to be with me.’ It was our conversation June 3^rd that spelled his ‘doom’ – in his mind, I broke up with him when I told him my conditions. I had to be his front wife & he had to quit drugs. The false wife & drugs went together—she being the enabler, so basically, it was the drugs he could not quit. Life now became UNBEARABLE.} *

Now I am with two other women. One of them is tall, lanky & very active. The other is shorter, more attractive. We’re starting some sort of lucrative business where we will take & sell images; it seems, mostly of men.

In real life none of this makes sense but just remember, it’s a dream, therefore, symbolic.

I recall being happy, active, looking forward to good things.

Then the specter of Nick appears, & it’s not a good omen. There’s something about him that is annoying & nerve-wracking

Now we are in a very large enclosure that might be hundreds of feet in all directions. In this place are many smaller ‘personal areas’ or stations of work.

My lady friends & I have our own station, which is bigger than most, it’s off to a side, has wide open spaces around it, bright light like the walls are all glass or just open to the sky.

*** {OUR BUSINESS, BRIGHT, OPEN WINDOWS OR SKY, LUCRATIVE – THE 3 WOMEN: I sense these 3 women are parts of me which I played in the ‘Theater of Life.’ The tall one might be the saintly ‘Stripper for God,’ the shorter one might be the body builder, because she reminds me of the weight lifting gal I just saw in “Time Crashers.’ Both of them are involved in picture taking of men, as both these aspects are my flesh when I became a ‘Cougar’ at the bequest of God.

These 3 getting together toward something lucrative could be my LIFE STORY which tells all the parts I played. The dreamer is the God Self.

The way our station / office / space is set up is ‘the sky is the limit’. The opportunities here are great.

My ‘body building’ self holds up 5k pictures, my God Self says she has 50k. This might refer to more than images of the males – it’s my whole life, I have so many images & each book contains numerous ones.} ***

I decide to go to Nick’s spot in this enclosure & it’s a bed. The mattress is about 4’ off the floor, its medium light grey, smooth, maybe firm. The headrest is the same, about 4’ tall & as wide as the bed, same material, color & about a 45 degree angle. The bed has junk on it – pieces & sort of rags from a thick knitted scarf from one’s neck made of dark blue & medium blue stripes. I have a stick & with it, I poke each piece or rag off his bed.

*** {HIS BED, THE PIECES OR RAGS: Need help Mother God.

MG: These are the things he doesn’t need, that were STRANGLING him, a noose around his neck of sorrow {blues}. You removed all the things that impeded him, according to this dream. Is this on earth or in Purgatory? On earth he didn’t listen to you, so it MUST BE Purgatory where your God Power, according to this, enables you to cleanse him.

And the catch-all under his torso that you pry open & look inside has several pairs of GLASSES, one of which looks like safety glasses. Later in the dream he’ll appear with ancient-looking glasses once again.

GLASSES are AIDS TO VISION. When impediments were removed from him, the things he didn’t need, his desires for them gone, he was able to SEE CLEARLY & now he is dealing with Truth. He was or blinded by his human flesh – the addiction mostly, & the fear of his peers.} ***

Then I go to the other side of the bed & see that as he was sitting there, there’s a catch-all section slightly below his torso, where if you flip it open you see all kinds of things fell in. I see several pairs of nice glasses, like eye protectors with no rims, modern, & lots of other things including pens. I need pens so I just requisition them – take them for myself. I then sit on the bed for a short time.

* {WHERE AM I GOING IN THIS PLACE WHERE NICK IS? HIS BED – WHAT IS IT? WHAT ARE THE THINGS ON IT & IN IT? There’s a saying ‘you made your bed, now lie in it.” It’s what he did to himself past & present.} *

After I did this my lanky lady partner comes bounding toward our office & Nick is with her, sort of hovering in the air, & he has decided he wants to POSE FOR PICTURES for our business. I didn’t want him, invite him & don’t know why he’s here, & why my associate let him.

So he appears & he is not appropriate at all for our pictures.

He’s wearing round black-rimmed glasses the kind that were popular in 1935, but they are even older like from medieval days if such a thing is possible, thick ornate black frames coming off the circles {Again, I saw an actor wearing glasses that were supposed to be from Medieval days in ‘Time Crashers}.

And he hovers in the air posing, with all his clothes on. I know that no one will buy these pictures, they only want men naked. I was going to tell him he has to take all his clothes off, but I don’t because I’m not even sure I want him posing any more. His hair is cut very short, he doesn’t look sexy or handsome. Does he still have what it takes?

*** {HE WANTS TO POSE FOR ME NOW, I’M NOT SURE ABOUT IT, HIS GLASSES, HIS APPEARANCE: OK this is me vs the lanky part of me, the Stripper for God. She brings him in, I’m not sure I want him. This is a conflict or dispute between my Spirit & flesh. My flesh wants him in my life story, my God Self isn’t sure if he belong here, lol. Will he help the project? According to this, if he is NAKED. Naked can represent several things. One, being open & vulnerable, ‘naked before the Lord.’ And second, his naked pictures might help my books, but only that.

His ANCIENT GLASSES are his looking WAY BACK to when we started. He regrets not giving in to me, posing for me again, letting me manage him as far as a model or whatever he wished for show business. Now he wants to be IN – but what do I want with him? Just tell the truth & show his naked pictures this says.} ***

I was speaking to my other lady partner & she had a lot of images sort of in her hands but in the air, very beautiful. I asked her how many images she had, & she said 5k. I told her I had 50k. This is talking about male models.

* {MEANING: This is not easy to interpret. I know the general meaning, it’s Nick’s REGRET at forfeiting our relationship. But specifics are murky. However, below, is a parallel dream, which means the meaning is hidden in two theaters, & the second is more straightforward. If I understand the second I’ll also get the first.} *

In another dream later I am sitting with Nick to my left at a table, in a large room that might be a restaurant, but there is nothing at our table.

He’s staring maybe whimsically ahead to his left, which is directly in front of me – he’s not said a word for a long time.

He’s wearing a charcoal grey twill jacket, the material is stiff & covers so much of him that I want to touch him but can hardly find a spot, only his wrist presents one.

I want to get him to speak but am afraid of annoying or disturbing him, I gently touch him a few times on his arm & wrist & say,

“Say something.”

He turns to me & he does speak, rather sadly. He asks me about myself, but darn if I can remember what he said.

*** {MEANING: Without a doubt, he is looking to the PAST with sad REGRET. There is nothing on our table meaning, we DO NOT have a RELATIONSHIP. He forfeited it for DRUGS & the PARTHNER / WIFE that enabled him. He is looking to the past with such great regret he can’t speak.

The charcoal grey twill jacket tells of DEPRESSION & LOSS. Charcoal is the part of the wood or coal, the carbon, that remains after the wood or coal is burned. It then burns even hotter, burning up means FAILURE & charcoal is TOTAL burning up, so its TOTAL failure. He now SEES HIS OWN FAILURE.

It’s he that failed, not me. I am not miserable or sorrowful but in this dream, I pity him.

The TABLE is where you usually receive FOOD / FRUITS / BENEFITS / JOYS of life. But there is nothing here – no relationship – & he looks at the past {to his left} with regret so great he can’t speak. I am not looking with regret at the PAST, I am looking AHEAD, not stuck back there with regret.

Why does he ask me something about MYSELF? The point is, he never did, except to try to figure out who I’d been with or what I’d done that might be sex or loving another guy. I ask Mother God, what does it mean that he asks something about me?

MG: In your affair all he cared about was HIMSELF. Totally SELF ABSORBED, SELFISH, no compassion, not caring about you. This shows a change for the better, that egomania has subsided. He now SEES as he LOOKS at the past without his emotional baggage – the drugs, the fears, the people he associated with. He sees Truth & for the first time, he ASKS ABOUT YOU.} ***

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

His Breast Attempt

I Strip for God Part 9 The Life in my Men

His Breast Attempt

Where do I begin? Let’s start with A – Dr. Robert Atkins.

OK I was looking for a remedy for my constipation. It’s a lifelong problem & I only realized later it got worse due to not having sex. I’d taken the vow of celibacy May 27, 1978, this was 1981 & my bowels stopped moving, I guess due to no peristaltic nervous system activity. But then I wasn’t sure.

I am in Manhattan & I go by this huge brick clinic & there’s a doctor there – I wasn’t sure who he was but he was famous. I envisioned him as ‘Stillman,’ the ‘water doc’ – who I’d seen on TV.

So I go in, a shaggy sheep dog greets me. I speak to the nurses & somehow they con me into getting the ‘hypoglycemia’ test – they strong arm everyone that walks in to get this, as it’s like $480. out of my pocket {no insurance} into theirs. And I fall for it.

They take your blood – then they make you FAST – no food for 24 hours & take your blood again. Something about your blood drops real low, then real high, some crap that PROVES you – & everyone else on earth – is HYPOCLYCEMIC. And WTF does that prove & what do they do abut it? I can’t even recall but I think you have to go on what he called his diet – the same as numbnuts body builders believed in during that time that I also fell for – all meat -{I just looked his up, it says limited carbs, but the body builders then preached none}.

Yes, I was training then & yes, I followed that foolish diet & yes, I was in perfect shape.

Now its time to see the big man. I’m sitting on the silver table waiting for him in the white smock. He comes in I’m supposed to be bare to the waist – no nurse in sight.

His jaw drops as he sees my body & his hand pops out to touch my breast,

“Are those real?”

At that moment he’s just a man, & I grab his wrist & stop him. He gasps & sits down at a table close by exclaiming,

“But I’m a doctor!’

And I say,

“I came in for constipation, not a breast exam.’

Above: Me in 1981 – Perfection

Hearing my complaints he recommends an x ray, which I have to get elsewhere, that I never go to. I knew vaguely there was nothing to see there & as I said, with no insurance, it would be a big bite – I was poor.

He asks me how I chose to visit him. I tell him I thought he was ‘the water doc’ & he seems disappointed.

I look around his office & see he has ART FOR SALE. That interests me & it also makes me curious.

Since now I now he’s a celebrity & I’m fascinated by the famous, I wonder, maybe I should ask to see his stuff.

While I’m in the waiting room he comes around {unusual} & we chat about his paintings & somehow or other, he asks me to dinner.

Below – Me from 1975 to 1981

You know what’s coming: The man-woman thing, how far will it get?

He gives me his address – it’s Sutton Place, the most expensive street in NYC.

{This place was worth millions. He told me his clinic cost him 52k a month – obviously rakin’ in the rough – all those hypoglycemia tests added up.}

I take a private elevator to the penthouse, its modern with modern furniture. I have him take a Polaroid of me in my magenta dress. {If I can find it it’ll be here} I’m wearing my honey-blonde long wavy wig & look comfy on his grey couch.

But I get a BIG LAUGH when I see the bedroom. Behind his bed is one of those ghastly original paintings of the orangutan with a beautiful naked woman – which I’d seen in Playboy. This is his taste in art? I know it’s expensive, but disgusting.

The rest of the pics here & there is mostly ‘modern art,’ boring & ugly. I ask him why is it like that? He says

“That’s what people buy.”

And I think he’s just in it for the money, he has no LOVE of art.

He takes me to an Indian place for dinner; the only thing I recall him saying was,

“I hope you DON’T HAVE A GUN” lol.

The “Scarsdale diet” doc had just been done is by a school mistress.

We finish dinner, I say I must rush off somewhere, need a cab. He seems disturbed like what went wrong? Hey, what did he expect, that he’d now take me back to his place & get a shag? I knew that was coming – that’s why I took off.

A short time later he calls & wants to come over for dinner. I live in Williamsburg when it was a SLUM – this was 1981 – so the idea is not exactly top notch, but I do consent.

He talks about bringing his sheep dog but when I tell him it’s 6 flights of stairs he says the dog won’t make it.

I Cook Dinner for Robert Atkins!

Can you believe that? And I have a phobia for cooking as Mom beat me with her fists when I tried. But I cook salmon. Can’t recall what went with it, since his diet is all protein. Can’t recall what we ate at the Indian place either, they are usually low on meat.

I ask him how the meal was & he says,

“You can’t go wrong with salmon.”

Next, he asks me about my dancing & then surprises me by saying,

“Show me.”

I put on my classiest outfit – a see-through white job that is loose net on top, all long hula strings from waist to ankles, & I play my most classical music, starting with

“Orchids in the Moonlight.”

I take off half the stuff, if I remember right, leaving the net bra & g-string embroidered with silver rhinestones, that’s all he gets.

We converse & he hints around marriage. I must say this here. With rich men it’s a tricky game. If you want to marry one, you don’t know whether to give it to them or not. If you don’t they might want you more, if you do, they might not want you. It’s a gamble. I suppose if the sex is real exciting to them – & this is all in the mind – then they’ll want you to marry you or be his mistress. But if it isn’t exciting you are a hot potato & bye. So the woman takes a risk either way.

In my case I already knew I DID NOT want to marry him. The reasons being this. First & foremost, I was CELIBATE. The Holy Lady told me not to tell anyone – so he did not know.

Second, he was JEWISH & I a Christian. I’m not like Marilyn Monroe or Liz Taylor, having a faith so casual I throw it aside for someone.

And third, I was not turned on, attracted to be with him even if I gave up my celibacy & faith & I was not ‘in love’ with him.

It wasn’t the AGE – he was 51 to my 36 in 1981 – He just didn’t sway me. I dated another ‘older’ man – Mickey Hargitay, who was a MAJOR TURN ON – Micky was 41 to my 22 in 1967. But then how can a diet doc compete with a Mr. Universe? {More on him later}

When he realized I wasn’t interested he started talking about a lady who was being evicted from her apt that needed a place to stay, he was going to let her move in. So let her – our affair was done.

College of God & Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Kim Novak Why the Privilege?

Kim Novak interviews comments 9-20-22

Rasa asks Mother God: How will my life story be different in its telling than Kim’s? Her

interviews annoy me. Why does she assume she deserves adulation?

Comment on a interview on You tube:

Spoiled brat – felt unappreciated? Give me a break. You were & are ADORED. But it’s never enough, is it? Why do you deserve so much love? All you did was be beautiful & talented & EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Look at the comments. 99% of them are GROVELING AT YOUR FEET. And you want more? Robert Osborne asks you were you happy when you were the no 1 star in the world, adulated, & you stammer & stutter on & on & finally say YOU WANTED T BE APPRECIATED. Why? For what? What lives or souls did you save? What did you actually do that benefitted humanity or propelled the state of women forward? or the state of men? I can’t understand why stars like this DESERVE SO MUCH LOVE?! It’s the misplaced worship of beauty, fame, fortune & status – misplaced. Love those who NEED IT THE MOST – those who SUFFER – those who are DEPRIVED, downtrodden, stepped on, the poorest of the poor, the exploited, the misunderstood, the abused – those who have little or nothing in the eyes of society. But to ADORE / LOVE those that have EVERYTHING – WHY?

Comment on a interview on You tube:

The 2014 Academy Awards: Sheesh! Not your face, THE OUTFIT! It seems black & blue is an omen here. The outfit is UGLY. See you wearing black & super dark colors all the time – funeral color. No, wear white & beautiful stuff like you did when you were young. I’m studying all the shots & I think what you’re trying to hide is the middle, gaining weight. But you’re dong a BAD JOB. You need a fashion consultant or something. Wearing a white chemise would be better; you’d look like the old ‘good humor’ trucks.

A beautiful gorgeous GOWN is called upon here, everyone else is well dressed, why you like this? I recall Kate Smith was big & she wore dresses that looked good. Many opera stars are big but they look good in nice gowns. You aren’t fooling anyone! It becomes obvious you’re hiding something!

Comment on a interview on You tube:

She was more in beauty than as a painter, lol. Beauty was the main thing. You were so beautiful then, what happened to your HAIR now? For crap sake that straight goofy hairdo & purple hat don’t become you. You should have brought back that GREY SUIT from VERTIGO, it would have looked better than the geeky clothes you’re wearing – the clothes now are HIDING YOU & I don’t think you’re fat, but they look like they’re HIDING something. Poor thing, it hurts to instead of enhancing your reputation ruining it. And HOOOO did her makeup? An OWL? She’s LOST TOUCH WITH GOOD GROOMING.

Comment on a interview on You tube:

Be honest, Kim, it’s the best policy – re YOUR FACE. OK, it was a ‘skin doc’ that gave you bad injections into your cheeks. That’s his fault. You act as if that’s the only things that was done to your face. It’s obvious your entire face was done over, as you don’t have the slightest mark of old age – no jowls or wrinkles, which happens to EVERYONE. It’s OK to do that, but don’t act like you did not do it & all that is wrong is the cheeks. Sheesh, be HONEST. I know some things are no one’s business, but getting faces done is what all stars HAVE TO DO – no big deal to admit.

Comment on a interview on You tube:

tell the truth about the famous men you starred with & were they really creepy or gracious? How many of them did you have sex or affairs with, which ones tried that you refused? Which were really gentlemen & which were losers? How about Harry Cohen for starts? Don’t tell me that nothing happened beyond you making him some chocolate fudge & him now knowing how to react. Most of these big shots would be all over the young, virginal actresses who were naïve, vulnerable & innocent as far as street smarts. Tell us the truth – I DID. In my books “I Strip for God” Parts 1 through 8 I tell the truth about the celebrities I was involved with or met like Arnold, Tom Selleck, Mickey Hargitay, James Brown, Otis Redding, Marvin Gaye, Joe Tex, O.C. Smith, Richard Pryor , Dr. Robert Atkins & many more. I tell it like it was being a Cougar with male models, dozens of them, who turned out to be mostly PROSTITUTES, in fact, gay for pay guys. Your Dad, you mentioned some place he was ‘mentally ill’ – what kind of illness? Did he abuse you? How? You loved & hated him. Hated for WHAT? You can tell the truth about these guys as they are all DEAD & can’t sue you. Dean Martin, Jimmy Stewart, Frederick March, all the stars – don’t tell me they didn’t try to shag you & did you let them or not? Were they truly nice or definitely nasty? You act like you just telling us the surface things is such a BIG DEAL – It IS NOT. We can already see what we see in your movies & images, we want to know what was BEHIND it. Obviously your beauty carried you. And acting SEDUCTIVE even with the UGLIEST of men, ugh. Like the car scene where that big-time actor peeps in your window & asks if your car is flooded, you look at him like you’re HUNGRY. My God, that is not NORMAL. Most women seeing a stranger peeping in their window when they can’t start their car would be AFRAID, terrorized in fact, look down rather than into his eyes seductively. Acting like you want to have sex with all your grandpas is an art you had down perfectly. I couldn’t do it, lol. I mean, give me a break. Speak the truth, not all this.

Comment on a interview on You tube:

There is a contradiction here. First, she said she was treated with great respect when she started. Then she said she was used to bad treatment because of her dysfunctional family – her father had mental illness, so being under Harry Cohen was something she was used to. So which is it? Were you treated well or poorly? And also, the way she describes the co stars – of course they were great to her, as she was a star, they had to be. Let’s ask the janitor how nice they were, or some unknown trying to get help, or a bum on the street. And they spoke of all her co stars but I notice in the scene ‘Middle of the Night’ she is with Frederick March. He was one of the greatest actors of all time, but why doesn’t Robert ask about him? Or why doesn’t she offer something? He was in ‘Jekyll & Hyde’ – to me, amazing portrayal. And also the one, can’t think of the name, where he kind of ‘gives’ his career to this unknown actress, he goes downhill, she becomes a star. Later it was played by James Mason & again later by Kris Kristofferson with Barbra Streisand. Oh yes, “A Star is Born” He was an alcoholic who in the end commits suicide & Frederick March was terrific in this, but they say not one word. Also the movie about people coming home from the war, with that poor boy with no hands, what was the name? Can’t think of it but Betty Davis said it was the greatest movie of all time. I was saddened that they ignored his presence. Oh yes ‘The Best Years of Our Lives’ – He also did many other great movies like ‘Anna Karenina’……PS I tried to watch this movie on You Tube but it wasn’t available, darn.

Channeling Mother God on how my life story books will be different from the interviews of Kim

Me: It’s obvious I don’t like Kim’s interviews & I don’t know what she’s complaining about. How will my life story books be different from her telling her life in the interviews I reviewed?

MG {Mother God}: the difference is straight from the shoulder, no holds barred vs ‘Me, I’m a great star, any crumbs I give the world they should relish. I am so important, the star of ‘Vertigo’ that all that I say are Pearls of Wisdom from a Goddess of Hollywood.’

You aren’t about that. You dug deep into the nitty gritty, the dirt, the pain. Her ‘alligator’ tears welled up at times – your pain was so great you eventually got over it & there is no more. You rose above it, she didn’t.

She still needs therapy for her past. You don’t. If you still needed therapy you could not have written it. A person can’t think straight when in pain. So God gave you the Grace to forget the pain – & move on with explaining what happened & even with a SENSE OF HUMOR like the way you explain your Mom. It’s tongue in cheek, some of it, it’s entertaining the way you gave your relatives all kinds of Titles like Rigoletto, Don Quixote & Sancho Panza, Mommy Fearest, Mephistopheles, etc. There’s entertainment here, with Kim, it’s not particularly entertaining as she still takes it all so seriously, she doesn’t see God’s sense of humor in life, just relaxing & getting a laugh out of it all.

The way you explain the male models as prostitutes is a hoot. It’s the truth that nobody else would say. But you explain it & people will believe.

ME: Anything else that is different? I mean, Kim is not controversial. The people are at her feet because of her past glory, the beauty & talent. She did nothing controversial, she stood for nothing unusual. She keeps speaking of the bad knocks of Hollywood – it made her rich, it made her famous, it made her loved. Why is she complaining? Because Harry Cohn tried to change her name? Like BIG DEAL. Harry called her a Polack, she’s Check. But so what? That’s the way all those guys acted at the time, but they gave great benefits t their actors, they made great movies, so they were cruel at time – goes with the territory. She does admit she did appreciate what he did.

It just seems t me she’s not grateful for what she got out of life, she’s spoiled, I mean, think of those who have suffered, & here she is, on a pedestal!

I remember seeing Jane Powell on a show. The audience adored her, kept praising her. But when I went on TV I was attacked. They just take it all in like they deserve it. They deserve love, I deserve hate. Why?

MG: Lol. They don’t STAND FOR ANYTHING. Just as you said, beauty, talent & youth. There is nothing to get upset about or argue on, they represent no stand, no conflict, no controversy. You came to earth as a fighter, to fight the wrongs. You represent plenty of things, you are mega controversial. Everyone can find something to attack you for, including things you never did, don’t want to do & never will do, but they attack you for it.

Being in the adult trade is something to attack. Being an activist for women’s rights is something to attack. Standing up for Prostitutes makes you a target. All these things & more make you a victim of this society. Other people, who are nonentities, sit there quietly by their home curb & dwell on paying the bills. It’s their greatest challenge. They don’t go out into the world & fight dragons – they can’t. It’s not in them.

So you accept your fate, be happy. It’ll never change. Notoriety is your middle name. Even when your movie/s of your life get out there, it won’t be a piece of cake. There will be adulation & rage. All the same controversies will well up & people will say outrageous things. So live with it, it’s your lot, goes with the territory.

Just think of the prophets, Saints & Jesus. All of them got it. Recall when Jesus describes how the Prophets were treated. So there it is. There’s the spoiled brats, the royalty, the mega stars who are rich because of show business, then there’s the prophets who usually aren’t rich & they get persecuted.

For some strange reason Royals think they’re chosen by God for adulation & wealth, but in the eyes of God, how high up are they? That is the question.

ME: OK Mother God, I get it. Thanks a lot!

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Judgement for Nick

9-13-22 His Choice – too ashamed to admit what a fool he was

Nick now sees clearly what a fool he was to chose Ruth Anne over me. It was evil & he forfeited the benefits I brought him.

He is so embarrassed he can’t admit it. And everyone he knew knows he was a fool – that embarrasses him the most.

The beginning is terrible frustration, confusion.

I’m going on a trek. This gets vague. It’s going out like being feted, then not exactly that, but sort of vague connections with this person or that person. I leave from a comfortable apt where I’m supposed to check in with my host later, I have a key I think & a phone number. Later I CAN’T FIND this phone number when I get lost in the mall, great frustration. I needed my host to tell me the ADDRESS as I am a VISITOR & can’t recall how to get there.

What I do remember is this young man who seemed to be dressed in light blue, somehow with me but not with me, just totally unusual as he was with me at first, then seemed to be sitting at a different table. This restaurant where I do recall him was spread out, with dozens of people at little tables; the color light blue is everywhere. He has medium honey blonde hair, almost in a ‘Dutch’ style where it has bangs, straight across, & cut straight across just under the ears – This in a soft way, not extreme, slightly tousled. Then he disappears.

Then I wander through the mall trying to figure out how do I get out of here & back to my host, & I don’t have my cell phone, so I look for change – can’t find any although I know I had some before. Then I look for a phone booth. I find a phone booth, but don’t have the change or the number which I know I wrote down on a white slip of paper but where is it? I’m still somehow trying to make the call, maybe borrowing some change, it is cumbersome & I can sometimes recall numbers, so I’m trying.

*** {MEANING: This terribly FRUSTRATING part is when you went out INTO THE WORLD at the behest or order of God & attempted to do as She said. She said quit the celibacy, go out & HAVE FUN. What you were LOST FROM was Mother God, you lost your Intimacy, Nonduality or Enlightenment consciousness.

This is a CLEAR EXPLANATION of how one; when they put their mind on things OTHER THAN GOD, lose their Intimacy & what else I stated, of God.

{God knew this would happen of course but you didn’t understand it fully until now.}

So here I am in the world, involved, my mind on people, & the young male who appears that I am focused on is NICK. He is with me, he isn’t. Like musical chairs, he comes & goes, he is jumping from here to there, when finally he ABANDONS ME for that drug partner. That’s his DISAPPEARANCE. {After a while we continued doing sex but he was gone as my steady, which being steady was not steady in the strict sense of the word, but we were a couple. This is not portrayed in the dream like its irrelevant to the dream. All that is relevant is he left me for a drug partner.}

The whole scene in blue including him is probably not the blue of depression, but the BLUE OF BOYS, me being a Cougar, they the young men. They are everywhere, especially on my mind, many small tables; Nick is hanging with them a lot – shows all the young males & Nick one of them, many tables.

The HOST who sent me out, my base, who also is my benefactor is of course God. I leave God to go out into the world. I thought I had the means of getting back – which is the address or phone number & the means of getting that phone call or communication with Her – BUT I DON’T. I can’t get back to my Host, God! Imagine how frustrating that is for me. Nick has left me, God has left me, I am truly LOST. This was my state during the time outside of God & even a while after, until I go cleared out, cleansed & clarified – it’s an important point that God, myself & Nick all agreed, that had I consented to continue seeing him for sex, I would have been in misery, as all that lost-ness would have come back. He’d been with his drug partner, & I’d be in the middle of the deep blue ocean without a paddle for my canoe.}***

Somehow this entire mall scene ends & another scene begins. The next part is not frustrating at all, it is PEACE.

* {PEACE: All this being outside ends. I stopped seeing Nick, got him out of my system, & then as predicted long ago, he dies.} *

Before this starts there’s one scene that I know is Nick & his drug partner. She is standing across from him maybe behind a counter. She’s beautiful, her hair is black in an unusual hairdo. There’s a pony tail on top of her head, the hair clasped facing her on the left to right, a large bundle of hair going across her entire head, like 25% of all the hair on her head like this. Her skin is clear & light, her features even, a good vision.

She’s talking to Nick & he to her but there is something WRONG. Why her façade is insufficient although beautiful. As he talks & talks, the physical disappears & there is nothing beyond it – She is just physical, no spirituality, no substance. All there is. Now that he is dead he sees this. I see it also – I never realized she was totally devoid of spirituality before.

*** {BEAUTIFUL FEMALE DEVOID OF SPIRITUALITY: His drug partner, who I call Ruth Anne, looks good on the OUTSIDE but there is nothing INSIDE. We all see this clearly now. All that was attractive or seductive about her was of this world & the flesh – & the demon drugs. Seeing past that, there is NOTHING. He sees this now.

Her hair. The meaning here is HORIZONTAL. Horizontal is not vertical. Vertical points to the sky, upward, Heaven. Horizontal is earth, temporary, the world, people, everything of time & space. This is ON TOP of her head is what is most important to her, No. 1, her mind & heart are of this world. Her allure is of this world, nothing spiritual, it ends, it is a chimera, fool’s gold, fake.} ***

Then there is a sort of contest.

It’s vague, but both myself & another woman want to marry Nick. I can’t explain the process or anything in between, but she gets him, I’m out. I know there were scenes, but I’ve forgotten.

The next scene is easier to recall. We are in B’klyn. Several scenes here, this is HOME. In many of my dreams, I find this place to be my center. {It was here that I had my most significant spiritual experiences – Seeing God Face to Face, Divine Stigmata, & other experiences – Holy Mary appearing to me, giving me 3 rings of Light encircling me, the evangelical virtues. She also appears & asks me to take the vow of celibacy, etc. – Jesus as Julius Caesar appears, Mystical Union with Humanity of Jesus – Gift of Contemplation from St. Mary of Agreda.}

* {This is the HOME where God is. It is what you had to leave to find Nick & try to save him. Home is Heaven. It is Peace, happiness, fulfillment, all that is good. Away from home is the wilderness where anything can happen, the danger zone, the place of testing & hardship, the place of turmoil, frustration, confusion, & uncertainty.} *

But now everything has changed. The dream doesn’t say it directly, but it is JUDGEMENT DAY.

Nick appears, like in the sky, in front of my building, like 6 stories up, the top of him, his head or bust, just hovering there & he is answering for his CHOICE.

The files are opened, & there’s a file on me vs the one on the lady he chose to ‘marry’ on earth.

In my files it shows that I am a millionaire. Hers I don’t recall but I think the scene of her being only ‘physical’ is relevant.

The entire neighborhood is looking at him to ADMIT what his choice was. He has to speak it.

So we go through the stories of both women, her & me. And then, before the entire neighborhood of everyone that knows or knew him, he has to say it,

“I chose” & he must say who.

But he can’t or won’t, he is too ashamed or embarrassed. He just sits there silent. I urge him to say it but he is dumb.

The idea is vision. He has seen it now, his friends, the whole hood sees it, I see it. I am sort of defiant as I urge him to speak as he is so ashamed.

*** {MEANING: JUDGEMENT, MUST ADMIT WHO HE CHOSE, he can’t say it: This is now the vision & understanding fully, of what he did with his life. He chose the wrong woman & with it, the wrong path.

She was bereft of anything meaningful in life. She was drugs, the world, the people, the hood, the shallow fun, the escapism of Cloud 9, all that is temporary, anti-God, anti Eternal. He chose all that is low for all that is High, all that is temporary for all that is eternal, he chose bad instead of good.

On the other side of her was me. I represent God. I came to him as an emissary from God, warning him, for one thing, if he did not quit drugs he would die young of an overdose.

He started with me being sort of close, then he wandered & ran around with his ‘friends’ & other females, when he CHOSE one that answered all his twisted dreams – It was being right with those that were wrong, gaining their approval & dubious respect, & having a steady supply of drugs because of his new drug partner.

On the other hand was salvation in the form of me.

I would support him on is road to recovery, get him off drugs, help him establish a life which would have meaning. He could have a career; he would learn the important things in life, do things with meaning instead of drudgery work & partying every weekend.

The dream doesn’t say everything, just that I am a millionaire; this symbolizes both the transient world & the spiritual. I came to save him on both fronts, this world & the next, but he turned the other way.

This is so hard to face he can’t say it.

He is now standing or hovering in a place that represents the height of God. He sees it clearly & is ashamed & embarrassed.

And somehow, it is before everyone – those people he once was afraid to be criticized by, they all know he was a fool – everyone knows & that’s what’s so hard for him to face – these people.} ***

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Enlightenment vs Holiness

9-3-22 Enlightenment vs Holiness

These thoughts are inspired by the video of Ozay Tulku Rinpoche & his wife Sadguru Ahiranta—If the link doesn’t work check out Ozay & Ahiranta’s You Tube Channel “The Happy Life Show”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsXGU1tS2uc&list=PLfRo-0_w1H_Ft3JdneYo3qg7gzlP0E4LM&index=3&t=1596s

Ozay speaks a great teaching on Enlightenment, & how one LEAVES Enlightenment in order to help one’s fellow man.

He left his Enlightenment, {which was attained in prison}, to be a husband to his wife Kay & a father to her & his children. One cannot be UNATTACHED {a part of Enlightenment} while fulfilling the duties of day to day life. He goes into the fact of loving a partner, having a roof over the head, the responsibility of paying rent & bills, etc, all the workings of normal life. One has to SACRIFICE their Enlightenment to fulfill the earthly role.

That begs the question what IS Enlightenment? Good question. My answer is that what we call ‘Enlightenment’ is a type of CONSCIOUSNESS, or in other words, a mental, emotional spiritual place where one thinks certain thoughts & feels a certain way. In this state one is not attached to any one person, or to things, or to ambition, or to any desires of the world, while one is focused only on the concept of God & her Infinity.

{This is also an absolute prerequisite to seeing God face to face – which is a part of Enlightenment, not necessarily the same thing, as not all people I have seen who profess Enlightenment <& rightly so> – claim to have seen God Face to Face. The Beatific Vision means actually leaving this dimension & going to another one. Enlightenment does not require that.}

Now Ozay speak of sacrificing or leaving Enlightenment to take part in human relationships & achieving responsibility for others in this life. He explains that Buddha did so when he saw a vision of the water lilies. Wondering what to do with his life next, the Almighty showed him that all humans are in various stages of evolution, & to help them achieve their spiritual destiny was a path worthy of Buddha, & so, he undertook to help humanity & of course, to some degree, gave up THAT CONSCIOUSNESS.

However, Buddha did not give up his HOLINESS & neither has Ozay given up his holiness when he works out his plans to help others.

And let me add here, the term ‘Nonduality’ is Enlightenment, the Hindu word for it is Advaita, pronounced correctly, in Sanskrit A-DOIT-TA.

To compare my intense experience of ‘leaving’ the state of Enlightenment but not giving up my HOLINESS was that remarkable word from God, when after 30 years of celibacy, God told me to pack it in, quit the abstinence, go out & HAVE FUN. I resisted but God insisted, saying,

“If you do not do this you will be OUTSIDE THE WILL OF GOD.”

I THEN DID WHAT Buddha & Ozay did – left the peace & serenity of my lifestyle & re-entered the TUMOLT & sometimes CHAOS of earthly life. Back to LUST, drinking, carousing, having fun, being an idiot & a fool, all part & parcel of my obedience to God.

And why did I do it? To REMAIN INSIDE THE WILL OF GOD. When I asked my most informed friends, why did God force me to do this, William Bond had the best answer,

“Perhaps it wasn’t for you, it was for others.”

That goes perfectly with the reasoning Ozay suggests here, I went out & made a damned fool of myself for humanity. Others got the benefit of my holiness, even when I fell into lust & had sex with numerous guys, my grace rubbed off on them. I must have SAVED SOULS when they had contact with me. As many females benefited by my presence, – I met hundreds of females as well as males in our college town bars, we talked, hob knobbed – some of them told me THEY WORSHIPED ME!

In the end, it took eleven long years to wear myself out. From 2008 to 2017 I danced my ass off but that stopped with severe anxiety attacks over one male, while heart attacks followed. No more dancing, didn’t have the strength.

I continued seeing my one Beloved until the Corona fiasco shut down the bars. He was a drug addict & had moved in with his female drug partner– after a while he came out to the bars that reopened, but I went downtown no more. During this time I cured myself of the attachment to him – it was rough, it took a couple years to get over the addiction & regain my Enlightenment. Prior to that, he had total control over me & it was torture. Now I regained control & told him,

“No more sex unless you leave your phony wife & go into rehab.”

Two months later, he died of an overdose. Was it a suicide from a broken heart?

My time with lust & ‘having fun’ had reached its conclusion. Was my mission finished? Have I succeeded? Do I get my diploma, Lord?

This video speaks of the miraculous way God worked to bring Ahiranta & Ozay together, all the obstacles & experiences they faced,– in fact, Ahiranta says she got a serious illness in order to meet Ozay – God works in mysterious ways – Ahiranta saw a vision of Ozay from years before, when he was 11 or 12. In this sighting she saw a man who took her into his arms & told her everything would be alright. A marriage made in heaven. Their relationship is fascinating & the way they tell their stories also is.

Ozay makes a great point about understanding your own feelings, verbalizing them, putting them into words. Because if you don’t figure out why you feel as you feel, confusion reigns. You must meditate & search deep inside yourself to know why you feel what you feel to find peace.

These are great people, this video is top notch, I recommend seeing it.

PSS Ahiranta Explains Her Own Malady

Something I did not discern right away, took me a day, & then I realized Ahiranta explained her own malady.

It happened when she spoke of the RUNNER who when he hit the finish line, had spent so much of himself, he collapses & even loses control over his own BOWELS & LIMBS.

When I get insights or revelations it’s usually because I have seen PIECES OF A PUZZLE & all of a sudden, all the pieces are together & I see the picture.

I’ve know Ahiranta for many years, & she has a trait I was always aware of but I did not connect it to any malady. I knew about her sickness as it’s been a thing she’s spoken of from eons ago, & is part of the way she met Ozay – she needed help.

The pieces have now fallen together & I know why Ahiranta has symptoms that are mysterious & crippling so to speak, but which have no physical origin. And it is so simple that it’s as plain as the nose on your face, but no one ever sees it.

I didn’t see it as I thought that illness was cured many years ago & I’ve not spoken to Ahiranta & Ozay now for a few years – except to say hello.

So let me spill it in a nutshell, & that is all there is to it, Ahiranta, you give too much, you love too much, your heart is too open, you exhaust yourself, you spend your love & affection in an abnormal or extreme way.

When a person does as you do, they get hurt more than they should & they become ‘the sacrificial lamb.’

One must love themselves as well as their neighbor, you sometimes love the neighbor MORE than yourself, & as we listen to Ozay in the video, he speaks of CAUSE & EFFECT, & the cause of your malady is GIVING TOO MUCH, the effect of this is the exhaustion, the body collapsing, losing control over the body & all else that follows {long ago I recall your series on your paralysis} & whatever else is happening, though it seems remote, like BURNING, is all caused by this mental, physical, spiritual & emotional exhaustion – there is nothing else. You are doing this to yourself, & when you stop, the symptoms will stop.

I prayed on it, asking God why you do this & God said it doesn’t matter – just stop.

Just for example, for years now you have been writing me letters, sometimes I cringe when I read them, because they are so mushy, so affectionate, I fear answering them as if I don’t respond in kind, or with as much affection, it might hurt your feelings. I just don’t know what to say – you GIVE TOO MUCH LOVE SO STOP!

I remember when you kept speaking of the heart being open, again & again – your heart is TOO OPEN – STOP!

And you answered every one of my comments on your video -STOP! One comprehensive comment for all my comments is enough. It took me no effort to write my comments, it was just off the top of my head, but it takes you effort to answer them all – STOP!

Stop hurting yourself!

I have said it all, if you want to discuss it further then OK, but I have said all that needs to be said & you can believe me or not believe me but I have said what I understand.

When you stop 50% of this 50% of your symptoms will be gone. If you stop 80% of it ALL your symptoms will disappear. You need give only 20% of what you do to be a kind, loving, decent person. Giving too much, on ounce here, an ounce there, here, there, everywhere, soon you have given pounds away from your own body & there’s nothing left to balance you & keep you healthy…….

Guru Rasa Von Werder

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

His Life & Death

8-29-22 His Paranoid State with Me –

Why no pics were taken together & Strange turn of events

The headline pic is not him, one of my other models – I will use some other models this article

Last night I put together an article with many of Nick’s images including those with him & females – including nights when we made love – he hugged them for pics, not me. And I asked why did he want no images taken with him?

The dream was stressful & shows his paranoid state.

Dream: I was in love with this guy who really turned me on, I’d go into an ecstatic state when we are together. I wanted to see him so badly.

After a while, he finally comes over, to my 2^nd floor apt. He has longish wavy black hair, in clumps, & he’s somehow naked in my apt, I see his penis clearly, his skin is suntan like he’s a darker nationality like some sort of Latin mix. He seems to be a NERVOUS WRECK.

We’re in my room trying to have some privacy. But there’s this huge window – just like the one we had in B’klyn, like we’re in the kitchen & to the right is this window – it’s about 5-6’ square, & on the other side of it, slightly higher, are my neighbors, who’re sitting at a table, like maybe 3 women & 2 men, the women figure more prominently in this scene.

Why the window isn’t closed as we try to make love, I don’t know. At first, those women are just sitting there speaking to one another at their blonde {like Oak} table, but next thing you know, they ENTER our room! It’s a small leap from where they are to where we are but I am outraged, & invite them to leave, which they do.

Then I climb up on something & try to cover up the window with a couple things for privacy.

But my lover is SPOOKED OUT as he’s paranoid, afraid, nervous, & he leaves.

*** {NERVOUS STATE OF LOVER & NOSY NEIGHBORS: This dream explains, in two scenarios, why Nick didn’t want images taken with me – His fear of people – their opinion – especially that of women.

We were not allowed to be private, left alone, they got “into our space,” our privacy, apparently giving their opinions, like because it’s a TABLE could be saying,

“What does she bring to the table? What does he?”

It’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS but they are butting in & he is SCARED OF THEM.

He BREAKS MY HEART by his absence.

I do recall that one of his bear pong buddies – a female his own age – told him it was wrong for him to be with me, as he was looking for a Mother. He should be with HER & she did have sex with him, he told me he was ‘using her for sex’ last time we spoke.

Don’t know who else said negative things, probably they all did. His state of mind is because he’s INSECURE, not confident at all.

I call & call to him, from here on in I have nothing but trouble & I thought I had him in my h ands, but I look at my hands & they are empty, & later he does appear, but disappears again. Both he & I are having terrible stress because of these interfering neighbors.

*** {APPEAR, DISAPPEAR: We both had great stress in our relationship & he would come & go like the wind. See the song, ‘The Wayward Wind.’ By Patsy Cline & Gogi Grant hits:

“Oh, the wayward wind is a restless wind
A restless wind that yearns to wander
And he was born the next of kin
The next of kin to the wayward wind”

Later there’s this theater. I go there to watch a movie, it’s night. I sit, in front of me left is a black guy, I see his shoulders, he’s full bodied. I want to speak to him but am shy. I look to my right & there’s a thin young black man, I do speak to him & say,

“This movie is boring.”

He somehow agrees – he’s quiet.

I vaguely recall bending to the shoulder & ear of that guy in front of me & saying softly,

“I love you.”

Then I walk to the left aisle – btw – this theater is practically empty, almost no one goes here at night, it’s like 5 people in the whole theater. Anyway, I walk on this wide left hand aisle, it’s about 10-12’ wide, everything is clean; it has a light reddish tone. I’m doing some research or something & someone, maybe my daughter, finds a large piece of white paper on the floor & picks it up. I see my address in on the left top corner. I don’t want any of my ID left here & I take that paper to leave with it. Not sure what I was doing in this theater except research of some kind but I didn’t want people to know I was there, no proof.

*** {THEATER I WANT NO PROOF OF MY BEING THERE: This hearkens ot the question of why Nick wanted no images of him & you – Because he feared there being proof the two of you were together. This real PARANOIA because he hung with addicts, pushers, & many women he bedded besides his front woman – & he had pics taken with them. But apparently, there was harsher criticism & ridicule about me than anyone else. Drug users & pushers in his society were commonplace – women much older than he were not. This is what he feared – criticism & ridicule for loving me, conversely, as weird as it seems to straight people, there was no criticism for drug dealers or users – they were not only comfortable with this, they bragged about it, sung about it & it made them feel they BELONGED. But the love of an older woman would make a guy an OUTCAST.

The dude I whisper to is obviously Nick, the one to my right one of his friends. We’re all observing his life story. Why is it night & no one is here? Night is ‘dark night of the soul,’ not knowing, being in darkness or lack of understanding. I talk about RESEARCH means I’m trying to figure it out. Why are there few people here? Few are thinking about his life in terms of what was behind it?

When I say this movie is boring, I’m speaking of his life as boring or meaningless. When I wrote the first article about him where I featured many of his local pics, he said,

“I WASTED MY LIFE”

<this is channeling – yes, he admitted it once he was dead.>

The guy to the right who seems to agree with me, – there’s an empty seat between us – is now subdued, is someone who talked too much while living, I recall ‘Tom’ him with annoyance. I took him out to dinner several times along with Nick & his friends….he would not shut up. This shows Nick’s death zipped his lip.

He might appear here as he took some pics & a VIDEO of Nick & me where he was doing ‘the monkey dance’ toward me when I raised my leg to the ceiling – but he said later when he tried to show me THAT NICK HAD ERASED IT. It seems he agrees with me that their LIFESTYLE WAS WRONG – BORING is another term for WITHOUT MEANING.

The empty seat between us? Nick is in front of me so it can’t be the lack of Nick. It might be we are no longer CLOSE – I’ve not spoken to him in years.} ***

Again, it is night & I’m in a place like the old Post Office area in B’klyn where I used to go almost daily. I need to walk home, but must go through an area that is dangerous, so I go way up in the air, like 30’ – later I even rise 50’ in the air & say to myself when it’s night I will not walk the street, as there could be muggers people lurking, I will rise above the tree tops to make my journey, so here I go sailing in the air on this long walk home.

Now I’m in the woods on that familiar road behind the house near Freehold NJ – this road I’ve taken hundreds of times in my dreams. Except this day I pass by some landmarks saying that others have moved in, interlopers, this is my property, but they have invaded.

As I go past one area I see something white to the right, on a hilly spot, & a strong bright light is shining & is pointed on me as I go by. I realize people are camping here – not something that happened in the past, this is new.

Then I come to a building right in the middle of the road, looks like a covered bridge but is a building painted red, pretty, with white trim like in between a barn & house. At first I think this is bad or whoever put this here is wrong, as its blocking the road, but as I come up to it I see there is ample room to the right of it to go by.

*** {IN THE AIR BECAUSE IT’S NIGHT, JOURNEY HOME THROUGH THE WILDERNESS: This is rising above time & space, the dangers of the world, lower thoughts, lower feelings & the demonic. I must rise above all this, that is the MESSAGE as it’s the POST OFFICE. There is a BRIGHT LIGHT at one point shining at me – could be the Light of God, Saints or Angels helping me.

The RED BUILDING I think is a BLOCK, someone seems to have built it there & it’s wrong – is most probably the OBSTACLE of Nick’s death, dying & therefore the prediction that he & I would be together as man & wife cannot come true. RED is BLOOD or suffering. First, I thought it wrong, but then I see one can GET BY THIS which means get past his death; cope with it, live with it. Indeed, I am doing remarkably well & much insight & closure are coming to me about all this – why it was as it was, why death was his only way out, how the Truth now comes to Light through all this.

I understand him & our relationship more clearly than I ever did when he was alive.

The FAMILIAR ROAD / JOURNEY hearkens back to long ago when I was a child. It’s the journey of LIFE, & the ROAD HOME is seeking fulfillment, peace, happiness, meaning, love & one’s destiny.

The BRIGHT LIGHT from a hill to the right is something from GOD, bestowing insight on me, about the building up ahead, which is Nick’s death.

One thing that comforts me again & again, God keeps saying like so:

“If he had gone into rehab, been with you, you would have been the sacrificial lamb. Part of the time you would have been happy, but much of the time you would have been miserable due to his behavior, neediness, lack of discipline & errant ways. He would have relapsed over & over. You would have had the biggest baby in America, one hard to handle, one causing you continuous stress.

The only way he kept semi under control was through drugs, he & his partner drugged together & that pacified him. Otherwise he was a basket case & you knew it. He needed therapy, but he wouldn’t allow it. He was not cooperative with you for his healing, career, for anything. He would have had you jumping through hoops to keep him busy & out of trouble.

God did not want you sacrificed.

And if you had seen him the night he called, it would have started the pattern all over again, like it was before. It would have forestalled his death for a while, but once he decided he would be a forever drug addict with his drug mate, the writing was on the wall. He was doomed. And you predicted it in 2014. Each of your channeling friends agreed.} ***

8-30-22 Strange turn of events

There’s an EVENT going on in front of me, like a line of things, like a design, & Nick is standing in the middle of it. Something bad happens, then there is an investigation of sorts.

A big woman shows up near him & it’s strange, although something bad happened – like an assassination – I feel she’s asking him to commit another event like that, like another assassination, but this is vague & confusing.

She’s big, like weighing 300 lbs, in a dark floral print dress, black background or very dark blue with figures on it in all dark colors. Her hair is well set, its shoulder length, thickly curled.

When she goes away to do something I walk in & speak to Nick. He tells me she’s some kind of important official, like the wife of the Chief of Treasury, or maybe she’s the Chief of Treasury herself, in this foreign land.

Nick & I are now seated at a small booth as in a restaurant, thickly padded vinyl brown seats {I sense brown} with a dark solid partition to our right – the table & booth are small, seating only 2 people. Close to him there’s a silver teapot, the kind that has a round part on top, then a small waist, then a bigger round pot on the bottom. I touch it, it’s hot – like hot water inside. I tell Nick I guess this is tea.

The big woman returns & gives me a FIERCE glance.

She’s Spanish & since she’s important I didn’t know how to greet her to give her the honor she’d expect, like in English, I’d say something,

“Honored to meet you, your Ladyship”

but can’t think of the words in Spanish even remotely, so instead, I kiss her right hand in a respectful European manner.

At that moment she unfurls a white tablecloth to go over our little table – She’s going to serve us. This is a surprising action, as she is this Lady of high standing, but now she’s OUR SERVER!

*** {LADY OF THE TREASURY, WHO NOW SERVES US: This dream I analyzed while still in bed, went to sleep & dreamed some more. It’s deep.

This ‘important lady’ who is some kind of TREASURY person, is the gf who financed him so he could do drugs every day. As I said many times before, she might have given him the drugs for months in the beginning, before he got a full-time job. Then he got a full-time job & had the luxury of spending most of his money on his habits – he was addicted to regular cigs & grass, beer & became addicted to cocaine because of this lady. Not sure if he graduated to heroin the last years – it is possible.

She was BIG or IMPORTANT to him during the time they were together for this reason.

The EVENT is his death of an overdose. I warned him about this dozens of times since 2014 – predicted it – he paid no attention.

And so, I am watching this ‘from afar’ so to speak, checking his face book.

Her immediate reaction was he had ‘killed himself,’ the assassination, & she was so upset she wised to be dead also – the second assassination.

Her leaving & my MOVING CLOSER to Nick is when the body was gone – she left or became ‘distant’ to him. She did not relate to his SPIRIT as I do.

That was when I MOVED IN. My relationship with him has been, from the beginning, SPIRITUAL. And so his body being gone, he actually came closer to me & I to him because

*** He was no longer distracted by the other people around him – his male & female friends

*** I had dismissed him from my mind for the most part, but now returned to communicate & converse with him

And so, we came together in a private place, one in which there is no ROOM for anyone else or no ATTENTION paid to them – just us – the SMALL BOOTH.

The silver teapot reminds me of all the MARRIAGE dreams I had over the years – it signifies a LONG TIME, if 25 years go by since we met – 2011 + 25 = 2036. In 2036 I’ll be 91 – the age predicted for me to live to since many years ago. I didn’t expect I would live this long since my several heart attacks of 2017, but then again, who knows.

So this is a sign of our TOGETHERNESS. Why the BROWN? It’s a sign of almost black sufferings. That could be the time we both spent leading up to this – it’s been a dark, dreary time of stress, misunderstanding, jealousy, pain & terrible separations. We both suffered equally. But this shows us

APART {partition to our right} from others, we were meant to be together, just the two of us, in the end.

Now the BIG WOMAN – his gf comes back & I know its her because of the FIERCE LOOK.

But I have a message for her here. I am giving her honor or credit for something. One moment I kiss her hand. And then she unfurls a white table cloth for our little table, as if she’s going to SET A MEAL FOR US – she’s our server or servant!

The white tablecloth is MARRIAGE, which goes along with the silver teapot for tea.

TEA is something you have for a repast/ break, time out, refreshment. My grandma used to call for tea several times a day; it didn’t just mean tea, it meant put the bread, jams & jelly, butter & cheese on the table for a snack. It’s relaxation, rest, refreshment.

How she becomes our server/servant after Nick’s death is strange. It’s as if she helped him die, which removed him from her & put him with me.

My God Self explained it like this:

“None of these people functions on a spiritual basis. They don’t have the skills to do so. They cannot talk to God or saints or Souls in purgatory. They cannot read minds like you can. They function on the physical plane only, so they communicated & conversed with Nick only with his flesh, & when that was gone, it was the end of communication.

Not so for you. You are spiritual & when Nick lost his body but not his soul, he belonged to you. He could communicate with you alone, not with them, so he is yours alone, you are his.

And so, by providing Nick with drugs she also helped him die, which then, set a table before you by her – by helping to kill him she helped him transit from herself & earthly people to you. So she’s your server or servant.

A strange turn of events to be sure.

In the next dream later that night I see myself in a white lace, low cut dress. I keep looking at my chest to see if it fits right.

* {WHITE LACE DRESS: My wedding dress. Breasts are love, I’m thinking of love. Not sure what this means except my marriage to Nick.} *

College of God & Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

NICK MARRIES ME!

8-25-22 NICK BESTOWS WEDDING DRESS ON ME – Party in Purgatory – Souls Ascend

Wow! Yesterday Nick ascended into Heaven, today he marries me!

We were united by God mystically – ‘what God has joined together, let no man put asunder’ – April 21, 2019. I DID NOT KNOW there would be anything more than that, but here it is.

I’m standing in front of an open closet – the one upstairs where I keep the male model’s clothes. It has no door.

* {THE CLOSET: This is the closet where you still have the male model’s clothes. You were the GIVER with the models. You bought all their clothes & also paid them, which includes Nick. But now it’s your turn to RECEIVE, so the tables or closets are turned.} *

As I stand there I see something as if from the past – a sight of a wedding veil, hovering in the air, small, the regular see-through kind, with a cap or top, then flowing net, it’s small as if far away in my mind, pure white.

Then I’m thinking about a new veil or maybe DRESS, not sure which. And I think I am POOR & can’t afford it.

But a man appears to my left front & presents me with a long flowing – is it a veil or dress? Could be either or both. It’s like he tosses it in front of me, it hovers in the air, he seems JOYFUL in doing this. It’s not see through, soft & cream color, & the top of it begins with a lamp shape, as if the shape of the top of it covers a traditional lamp, like a BELL, cascading over it, downward, quite long so whatever it is, it might flow below the feet – looks to be at least 6 feet, it has a soft finish like waves on the side – also large scallops but I can’t place where they are, just know they’re there.

I see this is a GIFT from this man because like I said, I’m poor, & he was SO HAPPY to give it.

And next, lo & behold, I’m eating a vanilla cake with pure white frosting, I can taste it, obviously a wedding cake.

*** {WOW! Nick has officially CHOSEN YOU FOR HIS BRIDE! The lamp/bell has two meaning, Bell meaning WEDDING BELL & LAMP meaning LIGHT.

Light is extremely important in spiritual terms. There is nothing physical per se, it’s all energy, & the higher energies are Lights, so Nick is giving you a Light which means wedding or “United as man & wife’ Light. And Mystical Marriage means he isn’t giving you one of his Gifts – the way saints would – he’s giving you HIMSELF, where beyond that, there’s nothing bigger or better.

Now God joined you together as you said, from above.

What is interesting here is Nick was dependent on you in Purgatory, he wasn’t capable of giving you anything – he even needed you to grant Light to his lady friend & child, & you did.

But now, he IS capable of giving you something, & here it is! It isn’t a small thing or a gift; it is Himself, beyond which there is nothing bigger or better. He’s doing this by his CHOICE, he could do something else, but it’s his decision, his will you be married. This is so gratifying.

ME to Mother God: Please explain why I am POOR, & the meaning of the dress further.

MG: Your poverty is not financial; it’s the lack of love. When Nick was living, he wasn’t capable of giving True Love. He was needy & DESPERATE for YOUR LOVE & you gave him it. Then he died & in Purgatory, again, he was dependent on you not only for his own need but to help others he cared about on earth. You granted it.

But once he ascended, he had spiritual Power. This is what he did with it. He proved he loves you – wow.

The cream is a good color of love, it’s a superlative, like ‘the cream of the crop,’ ‘the cream at the top,’ representing the best of something, the cream is the RICHEST part of the milk {along with butter}, it is also SWEET. This is a wonderful symbol because LOVE IS SWEET. When you whip cream it makes a wonderful dessert topping.

The dress is soft – soft like LOVE. Love is not HARD. It flows, love flows softly like a gentle breeze or stream. And it is long, meaning it’s long lasting, it covers a lot, it isn’t short lived or temporary.

The scallops could be a symbol of FISH or SEA CREATURE – scallops are one of your favorite sea foods. Fish represent Christianity, Christianity is LOVE. Again, this might reiterate Love.} ***

The Scouts – Celebration

I’m on my property deep in the wilderness but it has dirt roads through it, remote but beautiful. Daughter & I are sitting at a table enjoying a meal, a picnic.

* {WILDERNESS, BEAUTIFUL WITH SCOUTS, DAUGHTER & ME: I sense this is myself {Higher Self, God Self} & my flesh saying the Holy Mass. This dream shows two parts – first in the woods or wilderness, you at a table which is the altar, then afterwards you’ll see a party – where Souls are CELEBRATING something.} *

Before us is a road as if it comes from the river, it has well-worn grass like in rows, it’s not just dirt, & there we see a whole lot of Boy Scouts convening, having some sort of a good time. To the right of these cub scouts are older scouts, separated by a criss-cross black wire fence. The fence isn’t obvious but it’s there & past that fence, I’m not sure if that’s my property or a neighbor’s.

*** {THE ROAD FROM THE RIVER, WELL WORN: The RIVER is a symbol of GRACE, many spiritual songs like ‘Shall we gather at the river.’ Purgatorial Souls are Holy Souls – they are forgiven their sins, this is God’s Waiting Room. Here they are cleansed of the result of sins as well as attachments to the earth.

And so, this road is well worn, as many Souls have been brought to you by Angels & Saints to minister to. And these being ‘cub scouts’ are those quite ready to ascend, as they seem innocent, pure in heart or clean. There are others not quite ready to ascend, older ones to the right of that black wire fence. The black wire sounds like the Will of God {metal is God’s Will, black is depression, but it isn’t solid, you can see right through it, they aren’t in a low Purgatory, just not quite ready yet} is not finished with them yet, they are not on YOUR PROPERTY yet but the neighbor’s. Those on YOUR PROPERTY implies they are in your domain or spiritual office & will ascend imminently.} ***

My daughter & I greet the scouts – I don’t dare tell them it’s my property {they don’t know, they were lead here} as it might intimidate them or make them uncomfortable; they might think they need permission – I just want them to feel free & happy. I joke with them & say,

“Can I be one of you scouts?”

Some sweet little tyke says no, we have to be all boys,”

He’s so innocent he thought I was serious. And I say,

“I used to be a girl scout.”

I am really happy in this dream.

*** {MY PROPERTY, DON’T WANT TO TELL THEM: This shows my LOVE for these Souls. I want them to be free & happy; don’t want them to be uncomfortable. My asking if I can be a scout, then saying I used to be one, is saying I’ve already done my Purgatory.

Us sitting at the table when they arriving is sitting at the altar/table saying the Holy Mass, which brought these Scouts / Souls to me by the Grace of God – the River of Grace} ***

Then it changes & daughter & I are in B’klyn, at the apt. The scouts disappeared from the wilderness; I will see them shortly here.

Something about the key – it’s made of a strong white cardboard {much larger size than regular keys} for me to get in the front door – I make a note that I must get some keys copied in metal, as this paper thing will eventually fall apart.

Daughter is in the apt with me, wants to go out. Usually I’m strict & don’t let her do all she wants, but now, I let go of the short leash & say,

“Oh, go on!”

She just wanted to have a good time some place.

Now I see the scouts, they have come to the city for a Grand Party. There’s a contingency of females as well as males – a lot of them. I’d say there are 50 males, 50 females.

I peek into their party. I see one female wearing a silver tiara, she might be mulatto.

These are the same scouts as in the wilderness. All this is supervised; they are led by adults & brought here by them.

As I look in I know I’m not one of them, but I feel happy for them. As I stand at their entrance, they stare at me thoughtfully, like who am I?

As I stand in front of my building door, one young male breaks from the party & approaches me. The feeling is he thinks he might know me or else wants my autograph, but then gets shy & goes back to the group.

*** {THE PARTY: This is a CELEBRATION. Of what? {Often I saw parties when a soul went up – not always. Sometimes they would approach me gleefully & thank me, as I ministered for years to some souls – example Frank Sinatra. How beautiful he was when he thanked me. He appeared as a teenage boy in a white t shirt, threw stardust all over my yard from the upper where we stood to the lower yard, which sinks like 15’ below, & gave me the most loving long hug}…… Could be several things like so:

*** Nick’s ascension into Heaven

*** Nick choosing me for his wife

*** One or more other souls are ascending today.

It could be the female in the TIARA but it’s probably ALL OF THEM because on SPECIAL OCCASIONS God permits MULTIPLE SOULS to ascend. Example – Last St. Martin Luther King Jr. Day I was saying the Mass regularly & St. Martin got a large number of Souls up at once – maybe 50 Souls. This could be like that.

The female with the Tiara would show she is SPECIAL. Great Souls get SPECIAL AWARDS seen as jewels, they made great sacrifices & endured great hardships. They can be bedecked with jewels. I have no idea who this female is or what she did but I know she’s decorated. She was taller too, a symbol of Spiritual Height. St. Joan of Arc is 6’ tall.

The sweet male who comes toward me from the crowd might think he knows me or heard of me, but after getting close he retreats, as he’s shy. This might be my Spiritual Stature intimidates him. I know this, the higher one is in Heaven, the more privileges they have. For example, someone lower than me in stature or brilliance cannot approach me or communicate with me without permission, the onus is on the soul that has the greater Light.

It’s been an incredible day, I was thanking God all night.

8-26-22 Is That All? Lol – Means he is mine & mine alone

I can recall only 2 quick dreams, first & last, forgot all in between.

The first Nick & I had just finished making love. I don’t see the act. I see his head like hovering in the air, I feel the sexiness or appeal oozing out of him. It’s like we made love over the hill or mound, the other side, now we are here talking. And he says,

“Is that all?”

And I say,

“I’m satisfied.”

And I FEEL total satisfaction although I can’t recall the sex act at all.

I sensed he wanted some sort of orgy, like 3 women, lol. But that is not to be I think.

This dream might be the answer to my question, now that Nick married me, we’re on the ‘other side’ or dimension – Will he have me only or will he be able to marry others?

Will he be able to have sex with me on the other side? What about other women?

So this might answer the question: You Rasa, have him & he has you & you alone. Your sufferings are over.

In life he was selfish & unfaithful, he called the shots, he did what he wanted.

He put his drug partner as his significant other on Face book & elsewhere. He had you as his back street woman – no one knew of of you. And when he saw you, to diminish his fake wife he would always tell you about another female he was ‘talking to’ {fucking} besides her. And to you he said,

‘Don’t mess up my DEAL with her’ {the fake wife.} So he fooled everyone, he hurt all of you.

But now, you have won.

All the things God said to you have come full circle, God did not lie.

This is God’s world – She calls the shots. And She – God – has chosen / designated you as his legitimate wife, the way King Solomon designated one woman who was willing to SACRIFICE as the righteous MOTHER of the baby in dispute.

Since you were the one who LOVED HIM THE MOST now he is dead, he does not have the power he did on earth, he is under the jurisdiction & Power of the Almighty.

So he is by his words, answering your prayer,

“Is that all?”

And the answer is,

“Yes, this is it. You have Rasa & her alone. She’s your wife, you can only have sex with her, case closed, lol.”

Then many dreams I forgot & the last, a male & female on roller skates were holding hands & zooming about, having fun, in a place like a Town Square.

* {COUPLE ON ROLLER SCATES: This has to be you & Nick in Heaven, together, having fun. The roller skates signify freedom, innocence like children playing, the Town Square is openness, no more secret, back door wife.} *

PS Two days after this, they scheduled a ROLLER SKATING PARTY in memory of Nick, at a local park, which 54 people attended. I knew nothing of that when I dreamed this, but here, it shows Nick & I skating together in a public place. So I don’t physically have to go anywhere – his funeral or memorial services. They are on the earth plane, Nick & I are on the spiritual plane living & communicating. He appears nightly in my dreams.

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