College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
MOM BETRAYS COPS WHO HELPED
JIM DOUD LOOKED LIKE THIS
MOM PAYS BACK COPS WHO HELPED HER
2-20-21 to continue Chapter 8: THE COPS MY MOM BETRAYED
Jim Doud was the handsomest cop I’d ever seen – we’d ever seen – & all who saw him were infatuated. My Mom, her niece who lived with us {who I call Mempho} & me.
But I was no contender, so they thought, as I was only 14. I thought of myself out of the running also, because they convinced me I was unattractive, undesirable, worthy of no one good. But they were vying for his attention.
Who could nail him? Mom or Mempho? Who did he like, who did he find desirable? The truth is – me – except I did not believe it then, I only know it after years of looking back & putting the dots together.
I shall never forget the Christmas we had mistletoe & put it on the door above where kitchen met dining room. Jim stood there on purpose {he often visited us as he frequented Thorn’s Milk Bar & both Mom & Mempho worked there} waiting to be kissed. Wow, did I want to kiss him! Mom kissed him, Mempho kissed him – it was my turn. But try as I might, I could not summon the courage. He couldn’t say ‘Rasa, kiss me.’ My relatives did not say I should, so it never happened & to this day I can feel my pain & disappointment. Let me channel Mom,
ME: Everyone wanted Jim Doud. You might have guessed I wanted to kiss him under the mistletoe even though I was young but I was a young lady, not a child. Why did you not say ‘Rasa, kiss Jim?’ I know the answer will be gruesome, but let’s have it.
MEDUSA {MOM}: That would be like Cinderella’s ugly stepmother telling her to kiss the Prince. We deserved the Prince, you were but an underling to do the dishes, feed the animals, clean the house. You were, to us, a nothing. Why give someone like you the pleasure of kissing that most handsome of all cops?
ME: But what did Jim Doud think? Did he find you attractive or Mempho? Did he make advances to either one of you, act romantic?
MEDUSA: Unfortunately, he did not want us. And you, when I found out about the weight lifting stint with his shirt off, I was livid with rage. That’s when I started to figure how to destroy him – with rumors that he was gay.
ME: Why did you believe he would want you when he was a 10 & you were a 5?
MEDUSA: I thought all men wanted sex, but I had not much experience with men that handsome & sexy, I could get just about any man for sex as long as he was average, I did not hit the high notes, I scored with the low. This was a high note I couldn’t reach & it infuriated me. I got a taste of reality ‘ Medusa, get off your high horse, you aren’t up to speed for men like that.’ It hurt my ego.
ME: Now that I’m a grown woman, looking back, I know the incident mentioned proved it was me he chose, if it was to be one of us. And you from heaven are compelled to tell the truth, you cannot lie in your state, what do you see?
MEDUSA: What I see is that all or most men that had a choice of one of us preferred you. We refused to see you as you were, we projected onto you all vile things, demoralizing thoughts & feelings, which we wanted to believe & wanted you to believe to undermine your confidence. But outsiders didn’t see it that way, & the people we could not influence saw you differently. Jim Doud, as did most men, found you attractive & brimming with sex appeal. Your body was beautiful, your face was exotic. That’s what they saw that we tried to cover up.
the INCIDENT
One day Jim Doud, as he often had, stopped by the farmhouse. He came to the kitchen, sat down for tea – he always had tea with us. But this time we were alone. He asked me if Mom & Mempho were home – he said he didn’t know they weren’t.
We chit chatted & somehow the subject went to body building – I have no idea how we got there. It was a hot day. He said let’s go outside & he’d demonstrate weight lifting to me.
He took two cinder blocks, we had weights lying about that my brother lifted – he took off his shirt, put the weights on the block & began to show me the moves. I sat there mesmerized by his beauty – he was masculine & muscular.
About twenty minutes went by, Mom & Mempho appeared, they excitedly asked how long had he been there? He said ten minutes – I later told them 20. Both were flustered like they had caught something in the act that should not be.
That was it, nothing more happened. However, do the math. Man comes to house where he usually visits two women he knows, but they aren’t there, only their younger version. He could leave, could he not? But instead he chooses to stay, takes off the top half of his uniform & demonstrates body building to the female. Why? I will ask my Mother God. Can you explain this in simple words?
MOTHER GOD: He was trying to seduce you, or in other terms, groom you for future intimacy. They knew that – as they were older & knew how it works. He had no intention of doing anything to you then & there, but at a later date, your mind would be riper for his advances, say, if he kissed you. You would have seen his beautiful body, not just his face, & welcomed the kiss, you’d be susceptible. It never happened because of the events that took place, but it was what he would have liked. Your age was no big deal – yes, a bit unusual – but men have sex with young girls all the time, they just don’t talk about it.
THORN’S MILK BAR WHERE THE COPS HAD PRIVILEGES
Mr. Thorn had a ‘greasy spoon’ – an average place that seated about 16 people in the front room with tables, the counter could seat 15-20 – a side ‘porched in’ room could seat about 30, but it only filled up 4th of July.
Mempho was working there, then Mom, then my brother, & last but not least, when I was 15 he hired me.
The local cops had privileges there, he treated them like royalty. They got half price on all food & drink & could use the office for phone calls. This was way before the day of cell phones, & a time when long distance cost a fortune.
{P.S. Look at the pic below of the gorgeous lady with the white tunic. This is approximately how I looked as a teen – I was a 10. She has on an inch of makeup, with all the makeup I could have looked like that – I wore none. I know I looked that good because there was one image of me in a bikini age 13 & I was SHOCKED when I saw it – movie star material. I never knew I looked that good. I asked my Dad years later’was I ugly?’ He said, ‘You looked like AVA GARDNER.’ I said was she ugly? He said no, she was beautiful. Unfortunately, our own image of ourselves is formed by those around us – family, friends & society, when we are young. My Mom & others close to me convinced me that not only was I ugly, but also WEIRD. They destroyed my self esteem as a woman. You saw what Jim Doud looked like from the pic above – he honestly was as good as that, a 10. So you can understand why he & other men might prefer me to women who were less than 10.}
Once Mom started there, she would sneak into the office to use the phone to call Dad {long distance, New Jersey to NYC} about their affairs – I’m sure she was pleading for money – but besides that, to tell him the tall tales, lies, about me, what a bad girl I was.
Now get this. I told you about my dog Ciulis, when he got hit by a car, but they would not let me stay home, they forced me to go off with my half sister to Aunt & Uncle. It was not ask, it was cohersion. Wonderful Mom would take care of Ciulis, what could I do anyway? She would take him back to the vet soon to have the pin, which was sticking out of his hip in raw flesh, removed.
But she did not come get me for six weeks. Aunt Dagmar had to call & force her to come get me.
Meanwhile, during those six weeks Mom got into trouble, because she had NOT taken care of the dog – she left him like that, with the metal pin sticking out of his leg, hopping about in unimaginable pain – on a short chain that kept seizing up. I had before leaving, visiting my neighbor Ruth, met a female ASPCA officer, we chatted.
The officer decided to pay me a visit – it was just a short walk away – but I wasn’t there – the dog was. When she saw the condition of the dog she reported it & the ASPCA took her to court.
It was when she got me from Aunt’s she told me the story. She said the cops from Thorns came to testify for her, that she was a good woman, a good mother, took care of her kids with no help from any man, took the dog to the vet when he got hurt – etc. all bullshit, the same bullshit she told the guidance counsellor at my school, which got me expelled {to be explained later.} So SHE GOT OFF THE CHARGE.
{Did she then do the right thing, take the dog to the vet & have the pin removed? Two months passed by, she did nothing. I took care of him – he was in such pain he hardly could function, life was no longer worth living. All she & my brother did was finally call the dog catcher, have him removed to be put to death. I can still see him, to this day, hopping onto the dog catcher’s truck, feeling ‘death will be better than this.’}
Now the cops. Mr. Thorn found out someone was using the phone in his office to make long distance calls – the bills were huge. Mom told him it was the cops doing it. Mr. Thorn for some strange reason believed her {proves what a good liar she was, a manipulator} & their privileges were removed – no more half price food, no more calls from the office. And it didn’t end there.
Jim Doud, to get even with him for not wanting to fuck her, she passed the rumor he was homosexual. No such thing, but she said it to so many people so many times, his reputation was tarnished. This was back in the day, when being gay was serious, it made you an outcast. He never came to our house again.
The flowers below are dedicated to the memory of Jim Doud. They are the kiss I didn’t have the guts to give, under the mistletoe
College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
WHY MOM HATED DAD
WHY MOM HATED DAD
2-19-21 ANOTHER FACTOR RE DAD: HOW MUCH MONEY DID HE CHEAT US OUT OF?
Disclaimer: In Lithuania my Dad’s income was probably above average, his status as a Professor & Founder of the first State Teacher’s College in Lithuania was ‘elite.’ But arriving in America as immigrants, not speaking the language, was a rough road. He did the same work he did before but as a volunteer. Money wise he could only get the lowest jobs for lack of language & age. I think he was born in 1906, so arriving in America he was 43 but within ten years 53, so at 53 he was considered ‘over the hill.’ He showed me beautiful work he had done as a draftsman, applying to the city for a job in that field, but they turned him down. In Newark he worked for a Lithuanian food manufacturer but mostly in this hat factory, which he told me was hard. Later, moving to Brooklyn, New York, he worked as a custodian or janitor for a while before he got his final job in the U.S. Post Office {when someone addressed a letter with a destination that was so obscure no one knew what it was they came to him, & he knew.} In the end he retired with the Post Office pension & spent his last years in Spain – with his Puerto Rican wife in a Polish community {he spoke Polish fluently.}
When Mom deserted him with Marius he continued to help us right up to the time they expelled me from school {to be explained elsewhere} & I had to move in with Dad to finish school. He then told Mom he would no longer pay the mortgage {$160. a month money then, today is worth $$1,414.} He let her know when I was on the bus on my way to New York – she flagged down the bus, haha, got on & told the driver to make me get off for family business – the driver said go talk to me – she did & I refused to get off. {I had no idea she’d try to make me stay for money because she told everyone Dad contributed nothing.} I will get into some of these ‘asides’ later, just wanted to make a point that Dad was below average in wages.
Were I not writing this book, I would never have thought of this – the reason why Mom hated Dad so much. I could never figure it out, exactly. I thought it was this or that, like she was tired of him or lost interest, but the hate was so strong nothing made sense. But now I think I hit the nail on the head – it was money. And for this reason, the fact that Dad stinted the family out of money, he was also partially responsible for my abuse. We covered this already but I want to get more into it. I figured out a way to know how much he cheated us of.
So here goes: Dad was relatively poor {he worked in a hat factory at night when we lived on Delancey St. & Van Buren St.} but we always lived decently – we were never hard up for food. Marius equivalent of $240 a month I’m sure helped – it was when we lived in what to me seemed a ‘posh’ apartment on Van Buren St., next to the public library, in Newark. This was on the third floor & it had at least 3 bedrooms because I know Marius had his room on the far end, my parents had a room next to that, I had a room that looked right into the child section of the library – they had a huge picture window – {my love of books started there & then, I was 7} which makes 3 bedrooms but where did my brother sleep? Were there four bedrooms or did he sleep on the living room couch?
The living room to me was gorgeous & reminded me of the mansion in Waccabuc, because it had a round wall, covered with multi windows. We even had a parrot in a cage on a pedestal.
The place had a space on the stairwell of the apt where Mom kept an airtight pantry for food – stuff that should be cold or cool, but there wasn’t enough room in the fridge. This applied to holidays especially Christmas, as Mom would cook enough {special} food for a week. I remember that stairwell smelling so great & feeling we were privileged to have it. I think there was no 4th floor so it was private, just for us. OK now that I told you all this let me get to the point.
I figure in today’s wages, 2021 minimum wage in most of New York is $12.50 an hour so the wage a week is $500. Let’s say Dad earned that. I channeled {mind read} where he told me he could have given TWICE or more what he gave, than what he did. Then what did he give, what could he have given I asked, & what I got was that he gave – {when we were at the farm, Mom with Marius) $20. a week or $80. a month when he could have, should have given $40. – 50. a week.
In today’s money he gave us $194. a week or $776. a month. That’s for a family of Mom with 4 kids, never mind the boyfriend who we don’t count. The fourth child was in dispute, so I don’t know how she was factored, legally his however. OK now on a minimum wage job he earns in now money $2K a month, so he would have had 1,224. left over FOR HIMSELF.
Look at the disparity: $776. for 5 people {his family} vs $1,224. for ONE PERSON.
Mom WAS NOT WORKING, but she worked all day doing the ‘homesteading’ – growing food, trying to sell it {didn’t work!}, canning & preserving the food for winter.
Now what were Dad’s expenses. I know of one because he told me what his rent was. He lived with a Lithuanian roommate, {I remember him well, good guy, smoked a pipe, listened to shortwave radio a lot trying to get Lithuania!} It was a two bedroom apt. going for – get this – $30. a month. Dad paid for half & so he spent $15. a month on rent, not sure how much electric, gas & such cost, but it was not much on an apt. in Williamsburg, B’klyn, on South 2nd St. Take out $15. for rent – HIS BIGGEST BILL – out of $1,224. & you have $1,209. for himself for other bills & food. He did not nor did he ever drive or have a car.
Now you see where in channeling I got from him that he could have sent us a lot more? OK if he had sent us $40. a month or equivalent of $1,552. he would only have had the equivalent of $328. for himself. But let’s go halfway, say instead of the bottom line, 20 a month or the top line 40-50 we go with $30. a month. That would be today $1,167. a month. That would leave him $833.
Try it from another angle. You have a family of 6 people, the salary is $2,000. Each person gets $333. a month. So now you see how $833. a month for Dad alone should suffice more than enough, whereas we got cheated – if we are STILL HIS FAMILY WHICH WE WERE. OK, she ‘did him dirty’ in a sense, but we are still his children, the man she is with makes very little money – minimum wage or less – you cannot expect this man to take care of your children, can you? Because he can’t. Maybe if he could he would, but he’s also working at one time two jobs plus the homestead, & we’re still in poverty. THAT’S I NOW SEE THE MAIN REASON MOM HATED MY DAD & BECAUSE I ADORED HIM, THEREFORE HATED ME & USED ME AS HER WHIPPING POST. She wanted to destroy HIM so I was marked for death. Let me ask Dad:
ME: Dad, do you now see how you were partially responsible for the abuse I suffered? Why could you not anticipate this? Why did you not interview me as to why I wanted to kill myself {which I told you again & again.}
DAD: Could have, should have – I sinned. I already explained this. About the money, about why I did not ask you any details, I even used you as a spy, which added to her hate. I am now in Heaven & I can only say I gave you my brains, my honor, my study habits, my example. I brought you to the Catholic Church, I gave you a good education with the Lithuanian School, the Catechism, the love of books. I failed you in some major ways but please remember the good I did. When we were together, you a child, I was warm, kind, supportive to you. You learned what love was from me.
ME: What about when we lived together in B’klyn? You were not warm, supportive & kind to me then. You hurt me several times. Once you had the Lithuanian guys stay overnight with us – you did not even introduce me to them like you were ashamed of me, you did not even tell me they would be staying there. I was so embarrassed. Why did you do that?
DAD: I admit I was not warm & kind as I should have been. I felt put upon. I felt sorry for myself. I was still grieving about your Mom deserting me. You reminded me of my grief. And that incident I was mad at you for something but can’t recall what or else I can recall but you can’t pick it up. Something to do with Lithuanians & their culture, I felt you weren’t respectful enough to it.
ME: That would have been the time you could have found out about the abuse – I was now with you. Didn’t you care what had happened to me? I was a broken child, disheartened, demoralized, couldn’t you see it? All you cared about was yourself? Of course, my Lithuanian language was limited, I would not have been able to explain myself to you in proper terms, even if I understood myself what exactly had happened – which I didn’t, I just knew I was persecuted & hurt.
DAD: I was out of my element. I did not know psychology or advanced child care or care giving. I knew history, I knew mathematics, I new school subjects. I knew how to teach, speak. I had my abilities & defects. Dealing with you I was defected, I did not cope. You were mostly on your own, & you went on your own, did what you had to do, you had a destiny like no one else had in our family. You met your destiny. You needed terrible lessons, your Guru was pain. You suffered on the Cross, you died, you rose again & met your fate. Look how God chose you to give the message of Fatima in front of the White House. It changed the destiny of mankind. Because of you Gorbachev was elected with Perestroika. Reagan was elected because of that speech. And most of all, the half Lithuanian, half Polish Pope from behind the Iron Curtain. All this led to the fall of Communism including in our country Lithuania, the end of the Cold War, & the threat of nuclear annihilation in a World War III scenario. You were destined for this. You were prepared by education & pain. You heard me speak again & again to our community about how we must be free of Communism. You heard about Fatima from the Church, you suffered pain that made you strong. All this had to happen for you to be chosen.
ME: You present a compelling argument against my complaints & in your favor. You reminded me of the big picture. Yes, I had to suffer, yes I had to have psychological death take me down, yes, I had to rise again – And that many times, over & over I died this way, that way, rising again to do the things God made me do, & still doing them. Thanks for showing me Dad, your abandonment & neglect of me now doesn’t seem bad, like it was meant to be. I should thank you, haha.
to be continued
College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
MY DAD WHAT HE DID & DID NOT DO- Channel him
DAD: She never intended for me to come live with you, but she pretended she did to keep my hopes up & to get continued support for the family. She was done with me, in her mind, she had stopped loving me long ago & now she had a new man – but she was a good con artist she convinced me they weren’t having sex, & that I would be welcomed back with open arms when the time came. All this was a hoax carried on for a year.
ME: An idiotic move on your part, I say. And here I was begging you to take me, you didn’t care, you rejected me, but you take them to court for this nonsense.
Yes, I could have interviewed you to find out how she treated you, but I didn’t. And so, I had no idea how cruel she was & later they, were to you. Yes, I could have found out, but finding out would have made me more culpable, that I was guilty of not taking you. So I stayed ignorant of the cruelty to protect myself.
ME: Now I will interview Marius Bernotas {Mom’s lover},
Theatrical name for him: SANCHO PANZA a farmer who was squire to Don Quixote. {internet:} “Don Quixote is the one who dreamed the impossible dream, while he was so near to reality, which is Sancho. Sancho Panza jeopardizes himself when he leaves reality. He loses his identity by following Don Quixote. … During their adventures, Sancho gets caught up in the madness entirely.”
MARIUS: Like a miserable failure lowlife who got what he deserved. That is why I stood outside the windows crying,
ME: How about the time you all were drinking for Christmas. You had the baby in your lap. My Dad came to get her & said,
Chapter 8 Miscellaneous Anecdotes
Chapter 8 Miscellaneous Anecdotes – Sundry Cruelties
MY DAD WHAT HE DID & DID NOT DO- Channel him
Theatrical name for him: Sir Lancelot, because he was a good Knight but flawed
ME: Dad, when you & Mom separated, we lived on the farm, Marius was with us, you stayed in B’klyn to work. The ‘wisdom’ was that you would join us eventually & we would have a homestead of sorts – one sweet dream was you would set up a Lithuanian Boy Scouts Camp Center in our woods. {Dad had been a Boy Scout leader when we were in Germany, not sure about when we were in Lithuania. He took Boy Scouts on a trip to Paris, that’s all I know.}
I have a few questions. (1) Did Mom really intend to have you come live with us at the farm or was she pulling your leg to make sure you sent money, & that, enough of it. And (2) Why did you sue Marius for ‘alienation of affection? What did you hope to get out of it & (3) Why did you not send more money, did you deliberately send less than you could/should have out of revenge & selfishness – to abandon us to a poverty where Mom sometimes had to borrow money for food.
DAD: She never intended for me to come live with you, but she pretended she did to keep my hopes up & to get continued support for the family. She was done with me, in her mind, she had stopped loving me long ago & now she had a new man – but she was a good con artist she convinced me they weren’t having sex, & that I would be welcomed back with open arms when the time came. All this was a hoax carried on for a year.
If it hadn’t been for me getting a $500. {today $4,898.} loan from the priest, she couldn’t have had this property.
Yes, I did hope to set up a Boy Scout Camp there, yes, I did hope to be a homesteader like the old days in Lithuania. Where there was a will there would be a way, although it wouldn’t be easy. Had your Mom wanted me back I could have worked at Brockway Glass, just as she did later, yes, a minimum wage job – but there could have been survival. That homestead was too difficult for two people, but with three it was possible.
But of course, your Mom didn’t want me back, she hated me. She just wanted money. Yes, it was for the family, not just her, but once I knew she for sure didn’t love me & didn’t want me back I was deeply hurt, emotional & somewhat revengeful.
ME: How could you have been so gullible that she was not having sex with this man, with whom she already had had a child?
DAD: On some level I knew she was lying but pretended to myself I believed her, & I just wanted to come back, live with her, {even though another man was around & she might sneak off & have sex with him} have the creature comforts she gave, have my family, do the homestead bit that I also loved – I had dreams. Yes, I was a fool in love, yes, she deceived me, yes, I fell for it, yes, I loved her & not you, yes, I abandoned you my daughter, yes, I was wrong.
ME: It would have been awfully complicated to have a woman living with two husbands, deceiving the original one, it sounds like a joke. Imagine juggling something like that. OK, now to the next question, # (2).
DAD: That lawsuit was simply to vent my rage or bile on them, there was nothing more to get out of it. I could get no money, he could not be put in jail. The only thing viable would be that for both of them, it would be an unpleasant surprise & they would spend some days or weeks in discomfort wondering what would happen. They would have an unpleasant day in court, that would be my revenge.
ME: An idiotic move on your part, I say. And here I was begging you to take me, you didn’t care, you rejected me, but you take them to court for this nonsense.
{PS The year this was either 1955 or ’56, I was around ten – did not have the slightest idea what was going on. The Judge’s name was BRODY in Freehold, N.J. I recall vividly sitting in the court, all us kids were there, & Marius repeating over & over, ‘It’s all my fault,’ & Judge Brody kept saying ‘What’s your fault” hoping he’d ‘incriminate’ himself I suppose – but Marius spoke bad English & couldn’t defend himself – I don’t know if what he was accused of was even a crime. I pieced together what the lawsuit was as I got older.}
Now to question (3). I could have/should have sent you more money – more than twice what I did. Why I did not is the usual – selfishness & revenge. Here she had a new man, yes, I knew they were struggling, so of course I sent some money, but just enough to say I was helping, not a cent more. She was enraged but she could do nothing to me, & so she took it out on you – my pet, you adored me, you were the target.
Yes, I could have interviewed you to find out how she treated you, but I didn’t. And so, I had no idea how cruel she was & later they, were to you. Yes, I could have found out, but finding out would have made me more culpable, that I was guilty of not taking you. So I stayed ignorant of the cruelty to protect myself.
Yes, I sound like a despicable man now instead of the Saint & angel you thought me to be. I was neither, just an ordinary man who was kinder & nobler than most, but I had my faults. It took you a while to take me off the pedestal.
ME: Now I will interview Marius Bernotas {Mom’s lover},
MARIUS BERNOTAS – channeling him
Theatrical name for him: SANCHO PANZA a farmer who was squire to Don Quixote. {internet:} “Don Quixote is the one who dreamed the impossible dream, while he was so near to reality, which is Sancho. Sancho Panza jeopardizes himself when he leaves reality. He loses his identity by following Don Quixote. … During their adventures, Sancho gets caught up in the madness entirely.”
I call him this because I recall at the age of 6 going with Dad to call on Marius, who was living in a nice apt. Dad offered him to come live with us for $6 a week, room & board & Marius accepted. {this was 1951 – $240 a month today’s money.} Dad was a fool, so was Marius, just like Don Quixote & Sancho Panza, both fools following an impossible, mad dream, living with a woman who was a con artist, pretending nothing was out of the ordinary, just a man renting a room.
ME: Marius I have a few questions. I know you were a friend of the family before we visited you with the offer. Nevertheless, (1) why did you accept the ‘room & board’ deal when Dad presented it to you. Did you not sense there could be trouble? Were you already having sex with Mom? (2) The Priest – I was told Mom by a lady of the Church – many years later – that Mom had an affair with him & then she switched to you. Why did she want you? (3) Why did you take out your cruelty on pregnant animals, the poor cat Mitzi & the poor pregnant cow? I might have other questions after these.
MARIUS (Sancho Panza): I did not anticipate what I was getting into, how miserable, complicated & ugly it would get. I was an ignorant fool falling into the trap of a devious woman. If I had been left alone my life would have been easier. I got involved with her for a squirt from my penis.
(2) Her affair with the Priest: I was not aware of the details, & I heard rumors, mostly from her getting upset when the priest supposedly denounced her from the pulpit. He was probably giving a sermon on adultery & she was guilty so she assumed it was about her. Even if he said nothing, the dye was cast, word travels fast, everyone knew about it, it was time to get out of town.
What did she want with me? The car. I had a license & car, Dad did not & never would. She used me for herself & the family for everything needing a car. I took you to the beach, to Deer Park {which you adored-we went many times-it was a lake & had a flock of deer} & Lake Hopatcong {you did not like that, filled with rocks}. And you loved it when we went many nights a week – while your Dad worked at the hat factory – took a bag of delicious sandwiches, randomly found a place to park & ate, just to get out of the house.
(3) My cruelty to animals: I had to take out my anger on someone or something, so the animals were an easy target. Yes when Mitzi had a big belly I kicked her with all my might & all her babies were still born. You nursed her in a room in the barn for weeks, she almost died.
And yes, you watched me when I brought the pregnant cow back from the field, she didn’t obey me right away, I took the chain & beat her on her belly, & to make it worse, I picked up an iron bar & beat her belly with it. You were cringing but you were 9 years old.
And yes, you heard the cow moo-mooing in the barn at night, you left the house to check on her & I had tethered her so she could not move off the rope but one foot, all night. You tried to figure out how to remove the rope but I had it tied so many ways, so tight, so hard, you could not get it off. You brought her pieces & fruits to help relieve her discomfort.
ME: What kind of pleasure did it give you to kill the babies of Mitzi & to hurt that poor cow? What kind of a vile fukking scum were you?
MARIUS: Yes I was a vile scum. It relieved my anger, the way people lash out at someone, curse them out, beat them up, strangle, stab or kill them to relieve their own anger or hate, it was like that. Yes, I was a lowlife.
You ask did I want to kill my own child that was in your Mom’s womb? I wanted to get rid of the trouble it brought me, I was in a rage about how life turned a bad road after I got your Mom pregnant, like all Hell broke loose, & I was responsible for the farm halfway, & it was incredibly difficult to run things. I was exhausted, working regular jobs, two jobs once, & running the homestead.
ME: What about after that altercation where you were sent to live in the room behind the garage. I can still hear your piano reverberating in the winter, with the snow outside, you playing Church music, sounding like Bach’s Toccata in D {haha} & me bringing you your dinner from the house – enough for 3 men. You would give me $5 bucks {$48.80 today} to give Mom, a huge amount for that day. I felt so sorry for you with just an electric heater. I saw you cooking some soup on a hot plate still in the can. You must have been miserable. How did you feel at that time?
MARIUS: Like a miserable failure lowlife who got what he deserved. That is why I stood outside the windows crying,
“Let me see the infant, the infant, the infant,”
but Mom was too scared to let me into the house after I chased someone with a knife. {It was a female who lived with us who kept harassing him mercilessly & he snapped.}
ME: Would you have stabbed that lady had you caught her?
MARIUS: There is no telling what I might have done in my state. I was not getting enough sleep & she could have driven a saint insane.
ME: How about the time you all were drinking for Christmas. You had the baby in your lap. My Dad came to get her & said,
“Give me my child,”
And you said it was your child. He asked again but you would not give up the child – {it was time to be nursed.}
And Uncle Henry, {Paul Bunyan}, came into the kitchen where you were, & beat you up so badly, I recall you being under the table & chairs, & the day after when you came home from work I have never seen a face so black & blue & puffed out, it was scary. How did that affect you? Didn’t you want to leave our premises?
MARIUS: We were all drunk for Christmas. Yes, it was upsetting but your Mom persuaded me to stay.
THE PACT – MOM MARSHALLS HER LIETENANTS AGAINST ME
I was ten years old. For some reason I was sleeping on the pullout couch in the living room – I guess Dad had been there the night before – I would beg to sleep with him.
This room was fairly comfortable because we had a standup stove for wood or coal {we used coal} in it. The kitchen had an iron stove where we used wood or coal that we did our cooking & baking. The downstairs wasn’t too bad, except for the bathroom, which always had the door closed with no heat. We also had no hot water, so if you want to know how that feels, it’s MISERABLE. Try bathing without hot water in winter. Upstairs where the kids bedrooms were was coldest, my room being the farthest, was the worst. Under the feather covers it was fine, but when you had to get up or out, brrrrrrrhhhhh.
So now I am lying in that foldout couch in the living room & Mom is in the kitchen, where the table is far to the other end, by the back door. She & my brother & other members of the family were sitting at this table talking & for some reason they thought I was asleep & couldn’t hear – but I was not & heard every word.
It began with a harangue about how evil & uncontrollable I was – the manipulation begins. During some part of it I begin to cry, then sob, stifling myself so they won’t hear me. It becomes unbearable because EVERY WORD IS A LIE. At the end of this speech she says to the others that since I am UNCONTROLLABLE she NEEDS THEIR HELP. I can hear them even now agreeing with all their hearts that they will help Mom CONTROL ME & this was the beginning of OPEN SEASON ON RASA – from this day on not only Mom but her lieutenants abused ‘evil me.’ Think now, what could I have done at age 10 to deserve such punishment? My transgression? I loved my Dad.
I will channel my evil brother, Jimmy, & ask him, why did you agree to that pact to abuse me? You didn’t have to. My theatrical name for him is Rigoletto because he was a clown & a fool whose workings backfired on him.
JIM (RIGOLETTO): You were nothing to me, not important. Mom was important because she could bestow favors upon me, do nice things, love me more. Whether you loved me or not didn’t matter, you could despise me but you couldn’t do anything to me, you had no power. So hurting you to please Mom was easy.
JIM: Did you never feel you sinned by persecuting an innocent person? After all, we all went to Church, Catechism, & you were an altar boy. You heard the Word of God. Did you not feel ashamed for being as you were?
JIM: Your experience of religion was not my experience. I did not take it seriously, certainly not at that time. When I grew up, as an adult with family, when I mended some of my ways & experienced life, I thought about it a bit more. But until I was middle aged, God was not a big deal to me, or God’s ways, or God’s love, except to get the love that I wanted out of Mom.
ME: You revolt me. Despicable. You were really lucky you made it to Heaven, albeit to the lowest place, with Mom. Even talking to you now is unpleasant. You were a weakling & a coward, a fake & a charlatan, the way you treated me at school, pretending you didn’t know me when we passed each other in the hall. Are you going to tell me now you were a good guy?
JIM: I was not a good guy, I admit. I like your name for me, the clown/fool. Remember in the play Mom produced for our Church, I had a foolish part. I was a crow, & my only job was to say, ‘Crang, crang, bus maitos, crang crang, bus maitos’ which means ‘Caw, caw, there will be karma, caw, caw, there will be karma.’ It was a part any moron could place, the rest of the kids had respectable parts, some had intelligent speaking roles, but my role was moronic you thought – befitting me.
ME: OK enough from you, fly away black crow. And I apologize to the crows.
to be continued ……………………………………………………………………………………
DREAMS
2-17-21 GRUFF BLACK BEAR MEETING
Ex Lover is MISERABLE
I see this guy long ago I was infatuated with – handsome – & then he turns from himself into a fat black, gruff, course-furred bear.
I’m in a park & I recognize where this man is because I hear him talking to a male on my left back, from that, I track his voice. He is walking down an area of this park, on the lawn, & he’s probably 50′ or so away from that man. Then I just walk to where I can see him & he is the bear as described.
I don’t dare approach him because he will run. I sit down on my behind on the lawn. He turned around maybe in a circle from behind the bushes, & walked back my way on not a formal path, but an opening.
I decide to speak to him & I say – without taking one step forward
“Maybe we could do lunch one day…..or dinner.”
He says,
“Maybe I could see you.”
The two points here are (1) his misery & (2) My need to stay away from him because the minute I walk toward him he’ll run with fear – like a wild animal.
I can feel his misery, like a wounded animal & the blackness of his coat & the roughness of it also tell me he’s suffering.
When I first saw him as this handsome man, he felt like a celebrity – a special man – then he wasn’t special any more & turned to this………………………………..
MEANING: This is your ex lover who is now suffering greatly because of your parting.
A BEAR usually means SUFFERING: “Bull market, bear market” is good market, bad market.
The BLACKNESS of his fur is also DEPRESSION.
The WAY HE’S WALKING – you did not mention it in the dream, is like a man hunched over, & this walk is also HOPELESSNESS, BEING DEFEATED.
What is his FEAR? What is he afraid of if you approach him? Need help from Mother God here. I know it is counter-productive to openly chase a man, it shows anxiety & gives them GREAT FRIGHT. It MAKES THEM RUN BY SOME SORT OF ANIMAL INSTINCT. Is this the normal state of a man reacting to being chased or something else?
Mother God: He is SICK & confused. He wants you to chase him even though he’s afraid – like the song says, “You don’t want me but you want me to go on loving you” except that he wants you.
He’s afraid of you because of all that you represent – mostly wanting to get him off drugs onto the path of God, being a straight shooter instead of a crooked delinquent. And so he’s full of conflicts inside where you’re concerned.
But he doesn’t have the COURAGE to begin a RELATIONSHIP with you. In this dream he says I WANT TO SEE YOU which means the same ‘ole see you in private, at your apt, for sex. You suggested lunch or dinner. That would be a normal relationship, a good start, but he isn’t ready for that – that’s why he’s not calling you.
You must wait for the time that he summons the will to call you & begin the normal, decent relationship.
When you first got together you treated him like a celebrity & he felt very special – because you are one. So this famous lady is chasing me, looking on me like a big deal, so, she must know I am a big deal, so I can puff myself up like a peacock.
Now suddenly the lady doesn’t want to see me any more. I’m not a peacock, what am I? Just like any ordinary guy? This is a letdown. I am deflated, depressed & demoralized.
College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
*(MEN IN BUS: Souls in Purgatory. I could not have guessed who they were had I not understood the second dream. The jackets are their Light or their souls. I don’t see their faces or flesh, as they’re dead & also, I don’t know their identities. The jackets being mostly white are their souls are clean of unrepented sin. A couple of them might have some extra merits, like the guy that stands out with the blue designs.
*(BREAST EXPOSED, ‘LET IT BE’: Something exposed is VULNERABLE, this gives me the impression it’s my friend with breast cancer {that is being healed}. When she says ‘LET IT BE’ this is a good indication of her willingness to suffer, if it be the will of God.
*(WOOLWORTHS: Purgatory, my Purgatory & that of Souls, but I don’t see the Souls, just the staff.
*(BLACK PELLETS REMIND ME OF ANIMAL FOOD: Have you ever heard the terms ‘eating crow’ or ‘eat your words’ or ‘we had to eat the loss’? EATING is NOURISHMENT but eating is also PARTAKING OF A THING YOU MIGHT NOT WANT, & that would be SUFFERING.
*(4 POLICE OFFICERS WITH 4 GERMAN SHEPHERDS: Police in my dreams are always ANGELS. Most animals represent SENSES. This is saying angels came to afflict me – one in particular. I will ask Mother God, I only needed one angel to afflict me & one dog – why 4?
*(STAFF COVERING THINGS, CLOSING TIME:
*(LADY, WHITE BIRTHDAY CAKE, PINK & BLUE DECORATIONS: This symbol explains what this Purgatory has been about – Souls being lifted. The
SUFFERING FOR SOULS
2-12-21 SUFFERING FOR SOULS
MYSELF & ANOTHER LADY HAVE
SUFFERED FOR SOULS
This first dream was baffling until I analyzed the second dream. In light of the second dream, I understood the first, because it was the same THEME. Such dreams are called parallels – two dreams on the same subject, with a same or similar message. These dreams portray the EXPIATION OF SIN FOR SOULS – helping them get cleansed. The first is re a friend who just got breast cancer in her right breast. The second is about myself, about suffering with a strained muscle in my right leg for 6 months. Both of these events are ordeals that helped/will help Souls the dreams explain.
1st dream: THE BUS
I’m in a parking lot looking at a white-painted bus, which is filled with men all wearing casual white jackets, the kind that zip up. A couple of them have jackets with designs, the one who stands out has like blue designs which are octagons or something inside large squares, the entire jacket including long sleeves is covered. I see none of the guys flesh or faces, only the jackets, they all have their backs to the windows.
*(MEN IN BUS: Souls in Purgatory. I could not have guessed who they were had I not understood the second dream. The jackets are their Light or their souls. I don’t see their faces or flesh, as they’re dead & also, I don’t know their identities. The jackets being mostly white are their souls are clean of unrepented sin. A couple of them might have some extra merits, like the guy that stands out with the blue designs.
DESIGNS, OCTAGONS, CIRCLES, SQUARES: Octagons are a symbol of perfection. These designs could be like the badges, jewels, medals of the Great Saints. I am assuming this might be the same thing – Just guessing. Most of these souls are ordinary guys going to the average places in Heaven, but some stand out, one in particular might have a higher place.
WHITE represents Union – In this case, Union with God. The bus is the vehicle for Union with God, the jackets are their Souls ready to ascend.)*
In the front of the bus are servers, all women. They give me the impression that they are both servers & entertainers – like let’s say the women at Hooters, who the men find entertaining, but the women serve food & drinks.
They have like a bar, they are preparing their wares behind the bar. One woman stands out. She has a skimpy outfit, a bandana on top & bottom is skimpy. Her right breast is exposed. The other females tell her, hey your right breast is exposed, she says ‘let it be’ as they all want to look as appealing as possible as they will get more tips. The body being that exposed is not usual but she’s going to take a chance with it. She’s thin with dark brown hair.
*(BREAST EXPOSED, ‘LET IT BE’: Something exposed is VULNERABLE, this gives me the impression it’s my friend with breast cancer {that is being healed}. When she says ‘LET IT BE’ this is a good indication of her willingness to suffer, if it be the will of God.
In that case, Grace is received & Souls are released from Purgatory.
Being a SERVER-ENTERTAINER is giving to the Souls. It’s notable that they are working for tips, they are both helping the Souls & themselves. This is how it is in ministry, they call it ‘ministry in reverse.’ When we give to anyone in charity – living or dead – we are also given back, it’s the way we receive merit, Grace & joy.)*
…………………………………………………………………………..
Dream 2: BEING AT WOOLWORTHS
I’m at Woolworths, which used to be in my B’klyn neighborhood. It’s a mess inside.
*(WOOLWORTHS: Purgatory, my Purgatory & that of Souls, but I don’t see the Souls, just the staff.
WOOL represents SHEEP. It’s sheep vs goats. Sheep represent SOULS WHO OBEY GOD, whereas goats resist God, they disobey, so these are the good souls destined for Heaven – I’m one of them, I’m in a Purgatory just as they are for the time being.}
Somehow, I fall to the floor. The floor is littered with black pellets – I vaguely recall seeing food pellets like that for animals in large bags, which were sort of yellow-orange {probably corn based}, round but square on the ends, but these are black.
*(BLACK PELLETS REMIND ME OF ANIMAL FOOD: Have you ever heard the terms ‘eating crow’ or ‘eat your words’ or ‘we had to eat the loss’? EATING is NOURISHMENT but eating is also PARTAKING OF A THING YOU MIGHT NOT WANT, & that would be SUFFERING.
These pellets which remind me of animal food, while I fall to the floor on top of them, are ‘eating pain’ or ‘eating suffering’ or just plain suffering & pain.
My falling to the floor is that 6 months ago indeed I strained a muscle so badly I was stricken to the ground until the pain subsided. And this malady was ANTICIPATED & ANNOUNCED by my own inner voice. The night before, She said,
“I WILL BREAK YOUR LEG,”
like it was an announcement, not a warning or threat, just announcing that She, God, was going to do this to me, & I SUSPECTED it was to expiate sins of Souls in Purgatory.
The BLACKNESS of the pellets/food in this case is sorrow/depression – blackness can mean many things, good & bad, here it’s bad.)*
We must clean up these pellets, somehow I am working with the staff. While on the floor I see 4 police officers in a row have walked in holding German Shepherds on leashes, & one of the dogs brushes against my right leg. I feel unsafe, I am worried they might be after me for having done wrong, I want to get up – it’s difficult but I finally do. Now I feel better & safer.
*(4 POLICE OFFICERS WITH 4 GERMAN SHEPHERDS: Police in my dreams are always ANGELS. Most animals represent SENSES. This is saying angels came to afflict me – one in particular. I will ask Mother God, I only needed one angel to afflict me & one dog – why 4?
{MOMGOD: This could be multiple pains & problems perhaps if not for you, other souls. But one touches you, which means you are afflicted by God the way Jesus was, when God gives us suffering to expiate sins. {Somewhere in the bible a saint says, maybe Job, ‘God has touched me’ meaning God has afflicted me.} Of course you were worried if you had done something wrong & bad karma was coming at you, but it wasn’t about your sins.}
GETTING UP: This is getting up FROM THE AFFLICTION where you now feel better & safe from the karma you feared. You thought you might have to have surgery for this. But suddenly, the pain is 90 to 99% gone, you have gotten up from it, you’re happy.)*
Overall, there’s a feeling of JOY in this dream.
It’s soon closing time, & I see the staff busily, with smiles, covering everything with huge blue covers, so big they remind me of car covers. They cover all the shelves. Why I’m a part of the work when I am not an employee, I don’t know. But I’m talking about how to sweet up the debris on the floor, the pellets. We’re all gung-ho in this.
*(STAFF COVERING THINGS, CLOSING TIME:
STAFF: These are probably Saints who are working with you to benefit Souls. Saints in Heaven do not minister to Souls – it’s the ‘Church Militant’ or those on earth who are OBLIGATED & ENABLED for this. Why? Because we can suffer, we can GAIN MERIT, whereas they no longer do. But they can WORK WITH US AS PARTNERS!
{I recall the time recently when Errol Flynn appeared to me & used me, so to speak, to get Beverly Aadland & his most recent wife ascend into Heaven. I was glad to help & rather amused.}
COVERING THINGS, CLOSING TIME: This is a great indication that this project, of suffering for Souls with my bad leg, is over – the work is done. Why this symbol? Because when people go away from their house, especially if it’s a beautifully furnished one, they COVER ALL THE FURNITURE to prevent it from being covered with dust & debris. So this is saying,
“We are finished with this job, we are leaving this place of Purgatory now.”
What a relief!)*
At some point I am standing there & a lady shows me a surprise. It’s the most beautiful big white birthday cake on a small table. It has little pink roses all around the top rim, & other decorations in light blue. She shows me this knowing I will be delighted, & then she puts on top of it an upside-down rubber food holder {the kind I have, used to feed or water animals} & this devise will keep the cake safe & dust free until time to celebrate.
*(LADY, WHITE BIRTHDAY CAKE, PINK & BLUE DECORATIONS: This symbol explains what this Purgatory has been about – Souls being lifted. The
WHITE BIRTHDAY CAKE is people being ‘born again’ – an experience you can have many times. You’re born again during baptism or when saying ‘the sinner’s prayer.’ There are many levels of being born again, you begin by the initial one, then go higher & higher, each level you are born into a higher realm. The WHITE IS UNION WITH GOD – white is marriage, Union, pure in heart, among other things.
The PINK & BLUE along with the largeness of the cake says there will be MULTIPLE MALES & FEMALES ASCENDING.
The LADY is probably OUR HOLY LADY who has a lot to do with Purgatory – she is the one Saint I know goes there regularly, with or without partnership with mortals. I believe there are certain people who, when they have a ministry to Purgatory while living, will be allowed to continue this ministry after ascending into Heaven. I hope to be one of those souls.
The BLACK COVER on the cake is saying it’s not quite that time but will be very soon.)*
College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
COVID CONSPIRACY GOVT VS PEOPLE
COVID CONSPIRACY – GOVT VS PEOPLE
There are two different worlds of fear right now: those who fear the virus and those who fear the future control of mankind being propelled under the guise of the virus. Through this, they have created a division – those who want others to fear the virus as much as them and become recluses, and those who want those who fear the virus to wake up from the spell they have been put under so they can stand and fight against their freedoms being stripped away by the day. Sometimes, when you are in the thick of it, it’s hard to discern what is truth. Keeping everyone in a perpetual state of fear is how they divide and conquer – but it goes much deeper and is far more sinister than that.
https://thewashingtonstandard.com/covid-19-pt-5-psychologists-scientists-
and-the-cia-tell-us-fear-is-the-real-killer/
• Biology of Fear’s Effect on The Brain and Health
• Fear Cancels the Placebo Effect: Why This Matters
• CIA Documents on Brainwashing and “Learned Helplessness”
• Expert in Deception, Psychological Operations & National Security Speaks to Cadets at West Point
• The Road Ahead
We judge risk by our feelings more than looking at data and statistics and evidence – Paul Slovic, PhD
Over 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders, and 4% of the world’s population suffer from it, making anxiety and depression the most common mental health disorder in the world. The extreme messaging and misinformation carried out by the media, philanthropists, and politicians regarding Covid-19, hit every hot button to trigger the masses.
Part one of this 5-part report went over hospitalization data, showing that the 2017-2018 flu season had 810,000 hospitalizations, far exceeding Covid. For years the media has exclaimed that “hospitals are at capacity,” but no one paid much attention until now. Part two broke down the CDC’s data on how they have been combining pneumonia, influenza, and covid deaths as “PIC” to paint a larger number of Covid deaths. Part three covered the nursing homes which make up 38% of the reported Covid deaths. Part four explained how Dr. Deborah Birx and state health officials have stated that they are counting anyone who tests positive for Covid as a Covid death even though they have died from another cause. It also explained the PCR tests, how 90% of Covid-positives are asymptomatic with only a 0.7% household spread rate.
Think about it. If you change the past, you change human behavior. To change human motivation, we don’t have to persuade people, you can just change their memory. – Dr. Charles Morgan, Psychological and National Security Expert
Some Basic Facts About This Virus
It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled. – Mark Twain
• Legacy news immediately brought on Dr. Anthony Fauci, Bill Gates, and former CDC Director Thomas Frieden to tell everyone that models show 1-2 million people will die in the U.S., and they need a lot of money to prepare for this, only later to admit the models were wrong.
• On January 3, 2021, the CDC released its year-end final week count of all-cause deaths, adding a staggering 269,259. This is unheard of for one week, or even two weeks, and it reveals how the CDC has been shifting other causes of death into the Covid category, as Corey’s Digs previously reported on.
• No country has ever received a specimen of the actual virus to isolate and purify, and China allegedly destroyed it. They only received a genome sequence that was uploaded to the internet, from China.
• After a year of scientists, doctors, lab workers, Corey’s Digs, and other alternative news sources reporting that PCR tests are producing false positive results, and even Dr. Anthony Fauci said that a cycle threshold over 36 will result in false positive tests, the World Health Organization came out on the day of Joe Biden’s inauguration to validate this, resulting in a sweeping decline in cases.
• Despite Bill Gates, Dr. Fauci, the CDC, WHO, and countless others consistently reassuring the public that everything will get back to normal once we have a vaccine, they are now claiming it’s not in fact a “vaccine,” will not prevent someone from getting Covid, will merely treat the symptoms, and therefore everyone needs to remain social distancing and wearing masks.
• People observed viral videos of individuals in China allegedly dropping to their death in the streets, and within weeks, nearly the entire globe was allegedly taken over by this virus, yet no one dropped dead in the streets in any other country. Fear porn?
• They originally claimed it hit the U.S. in January, then later claimed it could have been here as early as November. Some believe it’s been here for years.
• Ground zero was at a nursing home in Washington State, just 5 minutes from Bill Gates home. The new “ground zero” became New York City, where Governor Cuomo made it a point to show video of men allegedly digging up graves on an island to bury all of the bodies, in a terrifying display. He also made it a point to show freezer trucks next to hospitals. Despite the elderly being the most prone to any virus, Cuomo later sent thousands of Covid patients to nursing homes while locking down the entire state. An investigation revealed that Cuomo’s staff produced numbers at 50% less than the actual nursing home deaths.
Capitalizing On Fear
Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth. – Albert Einstein
• Over 970 million people worldwide have a mental or substance use disorder. The largest number of people have an anxiety disorder, accounting for 4% of the population, making anxiety and depression the most common mental health disorder in the world.
• Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population every year. Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only 36.9% of those suffering receive treatment.
• Anxiety disorders create symptoms that include panic and fear, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, difficulty sleeping, nausea, and dizziness, all of which mimic and can exacerbate Covid symptoms.
• PTSD affects approximately 3.5% of U.S. adults every year, and an estimated one in 11 people will be diagnosed with PTSD in their lifetime.
• A 2019 survey shows that in the U.S., adults were most anxious about keeping themselves and their families safe, being able to pay bills, and their health.
• For those who do not suffer anxiety disorders, excessive worrying alone can cause the following health issues: dizziness, fast heartbeat, headaches, muscle aches, nausea, rapid breathing, shortness of breath, suppression of the immune system, premature coronary artery disease, heart attack, and more.
• The White House task force on Covid-19 informed the American people to stay home if they had symptoms, until it was severe enough to go to a hospital, at which point they were putting people on ventilators rather than treating them with medications proven to work in early stages. Dr. Anthony Fauci was aware of this back in 2005, as Director of NIAID.
There are over 40 million Americans suffering from anxiety and phobias. Imagine how easy it was to trigger them with misinformation, propaganda visuals, and fear tactics? When you see people allegedly drop dead in the streets, graves being dug up, freezer trucks parked next to hospitals with alleged dead bodies in them, the media telling you 1-2 million Americans will die, toilet paper and groceries flying off the shelves, and how everyone must lock down, close up their business, mask up, and sterilize everything, that tends to trigger people, even those without anxiety disorders.
Fear is a powerful force. If a person becomes overridden with fear, they become incapable of thinking logically and analyzing information and only react from emotion. As time goes on, the majority of their time is spent in preparation, obsessive worrying, listening to the media to tell them what next steps to take, and common sense never truly kicks in because their brain chemistry is no longer serving them. They have been behaviorally conditioned. The hyperbole was powerful, and it took hold in millions of people.
A study on “death anxiety in the time of COVID-19” published in June 2020, reveals that fear of death drives much of human behavior, is likely at the core of numerous mental illness disorders, and reminders of death exacerbate these illnesses causing social withdrawal, depression, and worse. Throughout this study, it points to several other studies. “One study investigated the effect of mortality salience on compulsive handwashing, utilizing a large sample of treatment-seeking individuals diagnosed with OCD. Participants were first primed with either death or a control topic. Following a short delay to allow the effects of the prime to become unconscious, they were asked to wash their hands. The findings revealed that reminders of death doubled the time spent handwashing.”
Dr. Deborah Birx and Dr. Athony Fauci’s voices will forever ring through the ears of Americans, with a resounding “wash your hands” as they give a nod to reverse psychology.
Psychologists Explain How Fear Plays A Big Role In Epidemics And Pandemics
Research has shown that threats such as Ebola or avian flu raised anxiety levels higher than more familiar threats. Despite only 10 people in the US contracting Ebola in 2014, it created a mass panic across the country due to excessive media reports effects on those with mental health issues. Whereas most people are not afraid of the flu because they’ve contracted it and survived, even though thousands die from the flu every year. But it’s not just the “unknown” that creates more fear, it’s those delivering the message. Hyperbolic media coverage can exacerbate the situation.
“American media have the propensity to find — and publicize — aberrant behavior, helping to perpetuate a myth that people tend to respond to a crisis with panic. Disaster researchers know that brave behavior is the norm.” Carnegie Mellon University psychologist Baruch Fischhoff, PhD stated. He chaired the Food and Drug Administration’s Risk Advisory Committee and the Environmental Protection Agency’s Homeland Security Advisory Committee.
When studying people’s willingness to get vaccinated after the scandalous 2009 H1N1 influenza pandemic, they found that perception of personal risk was the most influential factor, followed by social pressure and past behavior.
“As psychological research has shown for decades, our sense of risk is driven by our emotions,” says Slovic. “We judge risk by our feelings more than by looking at data and statistics and evidence.”
According to a 2020 study published in the Lancet, quarantine and isolation produce negative psychological effects including post-traumatic stress symptoms, confusion, and anger.
Fear’s Effect On The Brain And Health
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do. – Eleanor Roosevelt
“Fear is a feeling that is internal and is conscience,” stated Mary D. Moller, PhD, DNP, ARNP, PMHCNS-BC, CPRP, FAAN, associate professor, Pacific Lutheran University School of Nursing, and director of Psychiatric Services, Northwest Center for Integrated Health, during a presentation in 2017. She explained the consequences of chronic fear on physical, emotional, environmental, and spiritual health, that ultimately attacks ones’ immune system, endocrine system, autonomic nervous system, and can alter the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis, leading to emotional despair and phobias.
Moller described how fear affects the ability to learn, stating that “the brain’s capacity to retrieve previous learning is dependent on specific chemical states. Chemical alterations can distort perception of sensory information thus distorting storage.”
Not only does it affect the ability to learn, the impact of prolonged stress in “brain regions such as the hippocampus, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex respond to acute and chronic stress by undergoing structural remodeling, which alters behavioral and physiological responses.”
Fear learning and fear conditioning trigger all senses, including sense of smell, sound, visuals, tones, words, etc. Repetition of traumatic events and terror, visual images, threats of death, ones’ business burning to the ground, violence in the streets, and all hyperbole witnessed in 2020 were a perfect cocktail to induce fear, and therefore, remove the ability to learn and process effectively, for many.
Fear Cancels The Placebo Effect: Why This Matters
Increased fear is linked to the release of a substance in the brain called cholecystokinin (CCK). This substance has two effects; it increases pain and it blocks opioids. The media can also have an effect when they hype the threat of diseases or medical problems, making the public anxious or doubtful. – Psychologist Peter Solvoll Lyby.
Interestingly, in a Norwegian study, they established that fear cancels out the placebo effect. Lyby noted that “when you tell a person that he or she is getting a pain-killing pill, you create the expectation of pain relief, and pain is reduced.” However, “the people who received no placebo relief in pain tests had a tendency to experience more fear and anxiety about the pain.”
“We have a pain-relieving system in our bodies that is switched on when we skin a knee, for example. The injury causes our bodies to release opioids to the brain,” explains Lyby. But when frightened, a different substance is released that hinders opioids from functioning.
Why does this matter? Because the constant ramblings by media making repeated false claims about therapeutics not working seeded doubt in millions of minds, while they continued to push exaggerated death tolls knowing full well the fear could strip a person’s natural ability to heal themselves.
CIA Documents On Brainwashing And “Learned Helplessness”
The purpose of all coercive techniques is to induce psychological regression in the subject by bringing a superior outside force to bear on his will to resist. – C.I.A. Human Resource Exploitation Manual
In a 2014 New York Times article titled ‘Architects of C.I.A. Interrogation Drew on Psychology to Induce Helplessness,’ Dr. Charles A. Morgan III, a psychiatrist at the University of New Haven, studied American troops’ levels of compliance and suggestibility concluding that “a subset became more compliant, but the vast majority also became more suggestible when given misinformation. Essentially you’re making people less reliable and more stupid” after confinement, sleep deprivation and other tactics were used.
In a C.I.A. document titled ‘Brainwashing from a psychological viewpoint,’ they quote Jules Romains – “We know now that men can be made to do exactly anything… It’s all a question of finding the right means. If only we make enough trouble and go sufficiently slowly, we can make him kill his aged parents and eat them in a stew.”
The 92-page document is about communist control techniques, interrogation, and to increase understanding of the “brainwashing process.” They examined over 300 classified and unclassified documents related to Soviet and Satellite techniques of interrogation and brainwashing for this study, in addition to other research and Chinese indoctrination tactics. Interestingly, they state that the term “brainwashing” originated by a reporter who was interviewing Chinese refugees.
“When reduced to extreme dependency and confusion, the individual is ready to react favorably to any person or idea which promises to end his painfully confused state. At this point, the re-education begins.”
“One to two million Americans will die. Oops, our models were wrong.”
“Sterilize everything in your home daily! Oh, never mind, it’s not necessary.”
“It’s an aerosol virus. No it’s not. Yes it is. Oh wait.”
“Wear a mask. They will protect you. Don’t wear a mask – we need them – they won’t protect you. A mask won’t help you and may only stop a droplet or two, but repeat after me – I am wearing a mask to protect other people because I care and I am a wonderful person. A scarf, a cloth, a mask that says right on the box they won’t protect you from Covid – all of those will do just fine. Excellent. Now let’s see if we can get them to wear 2 or 3 masks at a time”
“You are non-essential. And you are non-essential. And you over there – you are non-essential as well. All of you close your businesses and starve your families now!”
“The process of brainwashing is essentially one in which two paths are being followed. One is the demoralizing process, the result of which is to reduce the victim’s critical faculties to the point where he no longer discriminates clearly between true and false, logical and illogical. The other is the reorganizing process, in which he is required to construct his confessions, elaborate it, defend it, and believe it.”
“Kids are super spreaders – close the schools! We need kids back in school – open the schools! Little Johnny has a cold – shut the entire school down and quarantine everyone! Call your neighbors, call your families, call the strangers you may have walked past! Children are depressed and becoming suicidal – we need to open the schools! The teachers unions won’t teach until they get vaccinated by a non-vaccine we are just calling a vaccine, so as not to confuse people.”
“Trust us – the tests are very accurate – don’t listen to conspiracy theorists. Well, if the cycle threshold is over 36 it could create a false positive. Hold the fort! We need to reduce the threshold, too many tests are coming out false!”
“Hundreds of thousands of people are dying FROM Covid. Well, we are counting anyone who tested positive (with false tests and asymptomatic included) WITH Covid as a Covid death, even if they died from influenza, heart attack, dementia, a car accident, or a gunshot wound. But, but 450,000 people have died FROM Covid!”
“The most deadliest respiratory virus in the world may show no symptoms. At all. But…. But, asymptomatics are super spreaders! Oh, just kidding. They actually only have a household spread rate of less than 1%.”
“Don’t you dare go within 6’ of anyone. ANYONE! No hugs, no handshakes, no sex! Everyone take to the streets and protest by the thousands with Black Lives Matter as they swap sweat, loot stores, burn businesses, and torment people at restaurants, so you too could have an opportunity to win a Nobel Peace Prize.”
“Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Don’t forget to wash your hands. If you are already OCD, do it ten times more for good measure.”
“We cannot get back to normal until we have a vaccine. Then, everything can reopen, people can get back to school and work and get back to normalcy. We only need 70% of people to vaccinate for herd immunity. Psych! We lied. We need more like 90-95%, and by the way, it’s not a vaccine and it won’t prevent you from getting the virus, it will just help your symptoms, so masks and social distancing are still required…with no end in sight. We just call it a vaccine to bring you comfort.”
“Stay in your homes. Quarantine. Isolate. Ditch Thanksgiving and Christmas. Don’t worry – there’s facetime. Smile for China, while we enjoy our holiday meals at a fine restaurant.”
“It should be noted that brainwashing, so defined, does not emphasize what happens to the individual, but what happens within him. The change represents a more or less complete re-education of his value system. This change is brought about in a rigidly controlled environment using pressures designed to create and sharpen internal conflict within the individual. The individual is forced to resort to problem-solving behavior, and the net effect is the brainwashed state.”
“How dare you pray in church. If you want to pray, you do it in a Walmart shopping line, where you can’t get infected! And don’t think having a funeral for your loved ones is acceptable either.”
“Since you are willing to wear your mask while alone in the car, hyperventilating while riding a bike, or in the comfort of your home, we would also like you to wear it from the front door of a restaurant to the table, whereby you can then take it off to infect whomever you would like.”
“Chip?! Nonsense! There will be no chip or tracking. It’s a conspiracy theory! Just because we are telling your neighbors and family to tattle on you, creating contact tracing surveillance, calling your homes, breaking HIPAA laws, and developing vaccine ID passports that will allow you to travel and eventually shop or leave your home, doesn’t mean we will be chipping you – at least not for another year or so.”
“Hydroxychloroquine doesn’t work as a prophylactic and can be dangerous. Haha, we got you on that one, didn’t we?! For nearly an entire year! Just kidding – we know Hydroxychloroquine works. In fact, we knew it back in 2005. We now approve of it.”
“We need to protect our elders because they are the most vulnerable, so you can no longer spend time with them and all nursing homes are on lockdown, except for the ones that are being sent thousands of Covid positive patients by Gov. Cuomo.”
“We need to release thousands of prisoners from prisons across the country so they don’t get infected with the deadliest virus in the world that has a 99.82% survival rate. Anyone who dares open their non-essential business will be hunted down, arrested, and thrown in jail!”
“Two simultaneous processes are present. The first is characterized by a progressive deterioration and demobilization of the individual’s critical and judging capacities. In a true sense the individual loses all sense of perspective. The second process is the learning of beliefs he would previously have rejected, as he seeks to gain some structure for his crumbling personality…. These processes are most effective when the individual has gaps in his knowledge, or his understanding of the meaning of certain events is sufficiently tenuous that he has little difficulty in accepting a new and different interpretation.”
“Did we say you could visit with your neighbor? You can only visit with immediate family in your own home. If you spot your neighbor doing that, be sure to call the police on them. Only movie production companies that are creating the future reality of the enslavement of mankind under the guise of Covid are allowed to gather together by the dozens.”
“Don’t worry – we got you covered. We are sending out a $1200 stimulus. It’s the first of 3 and we may keep doing it every month. Sorry, we got so caught up in our own politics, that we decided to blow you off completely – for an entire year. The more people starving and out of business, the better. Relax, $600 is coming your way. You’ll be fine.”
“Since we are so convincing with all of the above, we would like to go all in and stoke massive racism to create division and battles, more fear and confusion in children, and because we love watching you all flip around like fish on a hook. While we’re at it, we are going to get back to extracting millions in taxpayer dollars for climate change – the world’s next biggest threat – at least until we decide to tell you another pandemic has hit, since we’ve already forewarned you. Our 15-minute dystopian cities are coming to a location near you soon! After all, the only way to see our 2030 agenda through, is to keep you dependent on us and in fear for as long as we can. Did you really think that we only needed 4 weeks to flatten the curve? We’ve been at this for decades. The $90+ billion AIDS slush fund, measles epidemic, and H1N1 were all just test runs to see how much control we could possess over you. If nothing else, we are consistent and persistent. You ain’t seen nothing yet!”
“Communist control of the individual and the masses is little different from controls exercised by virtually all absolute forms of government, past and present.”
Confused? Short-circuited? Feeling a little schizophrenic? In fear? Angry? Depressed? Demoralized? Broke and jobless? Don’t worry – they have your back. Can’t you see that?
Side note: Since the CIA reorganized their entire website and moved documents around, making past links null and void, Corey’s Digs has downloaded the above study here. For however long the link shall remain on the CIA’s website, that can be found here.
What’s the first thing you think of when you see this image? How does it make you feel?
How about this image?
How about this piece of likely propaganda out of China?
Repetition and conditioning alter your brain, your behavior, your emotions, and your health. In this case, in a negative manner. Are they protecting you or endangering you? What have you observed and witnessed with your own eyes?
Expert In Deception, Psychological Operations & National Security Speaks To Cadets At West Point
Think about it. If you change the past, you change human behavior. To change human motivation, we don’t have to persuade people, you can just change their memory. – Dr. Charles Morgan
Dr. Charles Morgan, Professor of National Security Studies at the University of New Haven and formerly worked at the CIA, who was mentioned in the 2014 New York Times article above, spoke with faculty and cadets at West Point in 2018 on psycho-neurobiology and war. In this profound presentation, Morgan talks about gene slicing, DNA encryption, and mind, body and beyond. His research is focused on enhancing the detection of deception and on improving the indirect assessments of human personalities. His resume reads like a science fiction novel.
Morgan covered some very fascinating things in this seminar that have long been in place, some that are in progress, and some that are about to become reality very quickly. The mind tactics were quite intriguing, to say the least.
“Believe what you remember, but don’t assume that what you remember is true. What information is real and what information is trustworthy? By changing the past (inserting fake memories) it alters the future.”
By using stress tactics, they can change what people believe to be true by simply inserting something into a video or phrasing questions or information a certain way, and they can get a person to believe guns were in the room if they weren’t really there. They can change, remove, and insert memories. Morgan says that if you continue to expose people to misinformation, they will adopt it as real.
Right now, the world is witnessing this firsthand, only the misinformation is primarily coming out of the powers that be, while trying to inform the world that millions of people are the ones producing misinformation. This is called projection.
Morgan explained manipulation tactics used through social media, stating that “in the current social media age the ability to actually manage people’s memories and change them has just enhanced from what it used to be. Now you can fix videos and pictures and expose people to audio and visual information, and we know that even if they know that’s a possibility people don’t recognize when they adopt a false memory. You don’t know that it’s happened to you. It bypasses some critical reasoning and is particularly effective.”
“That’s where the state of the art is right now for creating false memories in humans by doing that verbally or by these manipulations, either by what we say, what we show them, what we expose them to, but the chemical implanting of memories has now occurred in monkeys. We should see that science in the next two years (seminar was in 2018).”
Morgan also spoke about the study they did in 2017 whereby they gave college students the false memory that they were terribly hungover from alcohol. A week later they were given free range options at the bar and they declined alcohol at twice the rate of other students because they remembered a false memory of being sick the last time.
In addition to the above, Morgan also talked about DNA, gene editing and splicing, other technologies, and how they already have the ability to gather information from a person’s brain while they are sleeping, in addition to training new information and memory into the person, outside of their awareness while they slept.
Morgan was especially excited and giddy about DARPA’s deep brain implants. DARPA covers a bit about their future of brain-machine interfaces here.
The Road Ahead
They want you frail, jobless and penniless, in a state of confusion and fear so that you are fully dependent on them. If this is not obvious, you are not paying attention.
If you cannot see the writing on the wall, and are unable to cast aside fear long enough to review actual data and the misinformation they have perpetrated, then unfortunately, you have already enslaved yourself.
One thing I learned long ago – anger supersedes fear. When you are angry you cannot function from a place of fear. Fear ratchets up one’s perception of risk. Anger serves a purpose, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Though it’s not an emotion to bask in for hours, it does allow clarity of getting in check with yourself and reality, while fear is suppressed. There are millions of people living in fear right now that need to get angry. They need to recognize what has been done to them and their livelihood, and they need to rise above that fear, take a stand, and take their power back. Obedience is voluntary enslavement, masks are a symbol showing submission, and closing your business is self-sabotage.
This may be the only time in history where everyone is truly a victim at the same time – and it’s not from the virus. Everyone needs to feel the sense of betrayal and being a victim to find the rage within. This is righteous anger and it needs to be acted upon, not through violence, but most definitely not through silence. If people do not take a stand now, the middle class will be entirely wiped out, the “elites” will continue to syphon all the wealth, and the poor will remain poor.
Corey’s Digs has been trying to warn of their “plan” for quite some time. People have now been watching some of it roll out, and it’s full speed ahead. By utilizing a virus with a 99.82% survival rate, they are gaslighting people into giving up their lives, lifestyles, jobs, school, finances, homes, relationships, joy, and the ability to have a voice. They are intimidating and censoring people who dare question anything, report data straight from VAERS, or go against the narrative in any way. Why is this? Because they want to control all of those aspects in your life.
Vaccine ID passports are the beginning of the end, and they will be tied to a new currency in the future, whereby you will no longer be able to travel, buy groceries, go into retail stores (what’s left of them), attend school, or walk down the street, without this stamp of approval. Even with this passport, you will be surveilled and controlled with ongoing “mandates” that will never cease until they reach their ultimate goal – they own you. Perhaps this was a hard pill to swallow years back, but after having a front row seat and going through what you have gone through this past year, the light bulb should have turned on.
Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them. ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Article posted with permission from Corey Lynn, originally published at CoreysDigs.com
College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
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I did this research for a friend 2-19-18. Sadly, {like most people}, she did not take it seriously. She is also still using the microwave. She said “I can’t live without my popcorn”. Her husband had serious cancer & after struggling & suffering for 5 1/2 years, with her being the caregiver as well as working fulltime, he passed.
I meditated on why he got ill. He got the cancer on his back. I noticed that at their sandwich shop, the microwave is behind where the workers stand, putting together the food. I said how long did he work there? She said EIGHT YEARS. I told her then, that’s how he got hit – he stood for eight years with his back to the microwave. She didn’t believe me. I asked her if they used a microwave at home & she said yes, but it was higher than the shop. {meaning what, I thought? If it’s by your head you think that makes you immune?}