By Rasa Von Werder, February 21st, 2021




2-20-21   to continue Chapter 8:   THE COPS MY MOM BETRAYED



Jim Doud was the handsomest cop I’d ever seen – we’d ever seen – & all who saw him were infatuated.  My Mom, her niece who lived with us {who I call Mempho} & me.

But I was no contender, so they thought, as I was only 14.  I thought of myself out of the running also, because they convinced me I was unattractive, undesirable, worthy of no one good.  But they were vying for his attention.  

Who could nail him?  Mom or Mempho?  Who did he like, who did he find desirable?  The truth is – me – except I did not believe it then, I only know it after years of looking back & putting the dots together.

I shall never forget the Christmas we had mistletoe & put it on the door above where kitchen met dining room.  Jim stood there on purpose {he often visited us as he frequented Thorn’s Milk Bar & both Mom & Mempho worked there} waiting to be kissed.  Wow, did I want to kiss him!  Mom kissed him, Mempho kissed him – it was my turn.  But try as I might, I could not summon the courage.  He couldn’t say  ‘Rasa, kiss me.’  My relatives did not say I should, so it never happened & to this day I can feel my pain & disappointment.  Let me channel Mom,

ME:   Everyone wanted Jim Doud.  You might have guessed I wanted to kiss him under the mistletoe even though I was young but I was a young lady, not a child.  Why did you not say ‘Rasa, kiss Jim?’  I know the answer will be gruesome, but let’s have it.

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MEDUSA {MOM}:   That would be like Cinderella’s ugly stepmother telling her to kiss the Prince.  We deserved the Prince, you were but an underling to do the dishes, feed the animals, clean the house.  You were, to us, a nothing.  Why give someone like you the pleasure of kissing that most handsome of all cops? 

ME:   But what did Jim Doud think?  Did he find you attractive or Mempho?  Did he make advances to either one of you, act romantic?

MEDUSA:    Unfortunately, he did not want us.  And you, when I found out about the weight lifting stint with his shirt off, I was livid with rage.  That’s when I started to figure how to destroy him – with rumors that he was gay. 

ME:   Why did you believe he would want you when he was a 10 & you were a 5?  

MEDUSA:   I thought all men wanted sex, but I had not much experience with men that handsome & sexy, I could get just about any man for sex as long as he was average, I did not hit the high notes, I scored with the low.  This was a high note I couldn’t reach & it infuriated me.  I got a taste of reality ‘ Medusa, get off your high horse, you aren’t up to speed for men like that.’  It hurt my ego.

ME:   Now that I’m a grown woman, looking back, I know the incident mentioned proved it was me he chose, if it was to be one of us.  And you from heaven are compelled to tell the truth, you cannot lie in your state, what do you see?

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MEDUSA:   What I see is that all or most men that had a choice of one of us preferred you.  We refused to see you as you were, we projected onto you all vile things, demoralizing thoughts & feelings, which we wanted to believe & wanted you to believe to undermine your confidence.  But outsiders didn’t see it that way, & the people we could not influence saw you differently.  Jim Doud, as did most men, found you attractive & brimming with sex appeal.  Your body was beautiful, your face was exotic.  That’s what they saw that we tried to cover up. 


One day Jim Doud, as he often had, stopped by the farmhouse.  He came to the kitchen, sat down for  tea – he always had tea with us.  But this time we were alone.  He asked me if Mom & Mempho were home – he said he didn’t know they weren’t.

We chit chatted & somehow the subject went to body building – I have no idea how we got there.  It was a hot day.  He said let’s go outside & he’d demonstrate weight lifting to me.

He took two cinder blocks, we had weights lying about that my brother lifted – he took off his shirt, put the weights on the block & began to show me the moves.  I sat there mesmerized by his beauty – he was masculine & muscular.

About twenty minutes went by, Mom & Mempho appeared, they excitedly asked how long had he been there?  He said ten minutes – I later told them 20.  Both were flustered like they had caught something in the act that should not be.

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That was it, nothing more happened.  However, do the math.  Man comes to house where he usually visits two women he knows, but they aren’t there, only their younger version.  He could leave, could he not?  But instead he chooses to stay, takes off the top half of his uniform & demonstrates body building to the female.  Why?  I will ask my Mother God.  Can you explain this in simple words?

MOTHER GOD:    He was trying to seduce you, or in other terms, groom you for future intimacy.  They knew that – as they were older & knew how it works.  He had no intention of doing anything to you then & there, but at a later date, your mind would be riper for his advances, say, if he kissed you.  You would have seen his beautiful body, not just his face, & welcomed the kiss, you’d be susceptible.  It never happened because of the events that took place, but it was what he would have liked.  Your age was no big deal – yes, a bit unusual – but men have sex with young girls all the time, they just don’t talk about it.


Mr. Thorn had a ‘greasy spoon’ – an average place that seated about 16 people in the front room with tables, the counter could seat 15-20 – a side ‘porched in’ room could seat about 30, but it only filled up 4th of July.

Mempho was working there, then Mom, then my brother, & last but not least, when I was 15 he hired me.

The local cops had privileges there, he treated them like royalty.  They got half price on all food & drink & could use the office for phone calls.  This was way before the day of cell phones, & a time when long distance cost a fortune. 

 {P.S.  Look at the pic below of the gorgeous lady with the white tunic.  This is approximately how I looked as a teen – I was a 10.  She has on an inch of makeup, with all the makeup I could have looked like that – I wore none.  I know I looked that good because there was one image of me in a bikini age 13 & I was SHOCKED when I saw it – movie star material.  I never knew I looked that good.  I asked my Dad years later’was I ugly?’  He said, ‘You looked like AVA GARDNER.’  I said was she ugly?  He said no, she was beautiful.   Unfortunately, our own image of ourselves is formed by those around us – family, friends & society, when we are young.  My Mom & others close to me convinced me that not only was I ugly, but also WEIRD.  They destroyed my self esteem as a woman.  You saw what Jim Doud looked like from the pic above – he honestly was as good as that, a 10.  So you can understand why he & other men might prefer me to women who were less than 10.}



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Once Mom started there, she would sneak into the office to use the phone to call Dad {long distance, New Jersey to NYC} about their affairs – I’m sure she was pleading for money – but besides that, to tell him the tall tales, lies, about me, what a bad girl I was.

Now get this.  I told you about my dog Ciulis, when he got hit by a car, but they would not let me stay home, they forced me to go off with my half sister to Aunt & Uncle.  It was not ask, it was cohersion.  Wonderful Mom would take care of Ciulis, what could I do anyway?  She would take him back to the vet soon to have the pin, which was sticking out of his hip in raw flesh, removed.

But she did not come get me for six weeks.  Aunt Dagmar had to call & force her to come get me.

Meanwhile, during those six weeks Mom got into trouble, because she had NOT taken care of the dog – she left him like that, with the metal pin sticking out of his leg, hopping about in unimaginable pain – on a short chain that kept seizing up.  I had before leaving, visiting my neighbor Ruth, met a female ASPCA officer, we chatted.

The officer decided to pay me a visit – it was just a short walk away – but I wasn’t there – the dog was.  When she saw the condition of the dog she reported it & the ASPCA took her to court.

It was when she got me from Aunt’s she told me the story.  She said the cops from Thorns came to testify for her, that she was a good woman, a good mother, took care of her kids with no help from any man, took the dog to the vet when he got hurt – etc.  all bullshit, the same bullshit she told the guidance counsellor at my school, which got me expelled {to be explained later.}  So SHE GOT OFF THE CHARGE.

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{Did she then do the right thing, take the dog to the vet & have the pin removed?  Two months passed by, she did nothing.  I took care of him – he was in such pain he hardly could function, life was no longer worth living.  All she & my  brother did was finally call the dog catcher, have him removed to be put to death.  I can still see him, to this day, hopping onto the dog catcher’s truck, feeling ‘death will be better than this.’} 

 Now the cops.  Mr. Thorn found out someone was using the phone in his office to make long distance calls – the bills were huge.  Mom told him it was the cops doing it.  Mr. Thorn for some strange reason believed her {proves what a good liar she was, a manipulator} & their privileges were removed – no more half price food, no more calls from the office.  And it didn’t end there.

Jim Doud, to get even with him for not wanting to fuck her, she passed the rumor he was homosexual.  No such thing, but she said it to so many people so many times, his reputation was tarnished.  This was back in the day, when being gay was serious, it made you an outcast.  He never came to our house again.

The flowers below are dedicated to the memory of Jim Doud.  They are the kiss I didn’t have the guts to give, under the mistletoe

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