College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Judgement for Nick

9-13-22 His Choice – too ashamed to admit what a fool he was

Nick now sees clearly what a fool he was to chose Ruth Anne over me. It was evil & he forfeited the benefits I brought him.

He is so embarrassed he can’t admit it. And everyone he knew knows he was a fool – that embarrasses him the most.

The beginning is terrible frustration, confusion.

I’m going on a trek. This gets vague. It’s going out like being feted, then not exactly that, but sort of vague connections with this person or that person. I leave from a comfortable apt where I’m supposed to check in with my host later, I have a key I think & a phone number. Later I CAN’T FIND this phone number when I get lost in the mall, great frustration. I needed my host to tell me the ADDRESS as I am a VISITOR & can’t recall how to get there.

What I do remember is this young man who seemed to be dressed in light blue, somehow with me but not with me, just totally unusual as he was with me at first, then seemed to be sitting at a different table. This restaurant where I do recall him was spread out, with dozens of people at little tables; the color light blue is everywhere. He has medium honey blonde hair, almost in a ‘Dutch’ style where it has bangs, straight across, & cut straight across just under the ears – This in a soft way, not extreme, slightly tousled. Then he disappears.

Then I wander through the mall trying to figure out how do I get out of here & back to my host, & I don’t have my cell phone, so I look for change – can’t find any although I know I had some before. Then I look for a phone booth. I find a phone booth, but don’t have the change or the number which I know I wrote down on a white slip of paper but where is it? I’m still somehow trying to make the call, maybe borrowing some change, it is cumbersome & I can sometimes recall numbers, so I’m trying.

*** {MEANING: This terribly FRUSTRATING part is when you went out INTO THE WORLD at the behest or order of God & attempted to do as She said. She said quit the celibacy, go out & HAVE FUN. What you were LOST FROM was Mother God, you lost your Intimacy, Nonduality or Enlightenment consciousness.

This is a CLEAR EXPLANATION of how one; when they put their mind on things OTHER THAN GOD, lose their Intimacy & what else I stated, of God.

{God knew this would happen of course but you didn’t understand it fully until now.}

So here I am in the world, involved, my mind on people, & the young male who appears that I am focused on is NICK. He is with me, he isn’t. Like musical chairs, he comes & goes, he is jumping from here to there, when finally he ABANDONS ME for that drug partner. That’s his DISAPPEARANCE. {After a while we continued doing sex but he was gone as my steady, which being steady was not steady in the strict sense of the word, but we were a couple. This is not portrayed in the dream like its irrelevant to the dream. All that is relevant is he left me for a drug partner.}

The whole scene in blue including him is probably not the blue of depression, but the BLUE OF BOYS, me being a Cougar, they the young men. They are everywhere, especially on my mind, many small tables; Nick is hanging with them a lot – shows all the young males & Nick one of them, many tables.

The HOST who sent me out, my base, who also is my benefactor is of course God. I leave God to go out into the world. I thought I had the means of getting back – which is the address or phone number & the means of getting that phone call or communication with Her – BUT I DON’T. I can’t get back to my Host, God! Imagine how frustrating that is for me. Nick has left me, God has left me, I am truly LOST. This was my state during the time outside of God & even a while after, until I go cleared out, cleansed & clarified – it’s an important point that God, myself & Nick all agreed, that had I consented to continue seeing him for sex, I would have been in misery, as all that lost-ness would have come back. He’d been with his drug partner, & I’d be in the middle of the deep blue ocean without a paddle for my canoe.}***

Somehow this entire mall scene ends & another scene begins. The next part is not frustrating at all, it is PEACE.

* {PEACE: All this being outside ends. I stopped seeing Nick, got him out of my system, & then as predicted long ago, he dies.} *

Before this starts there’s one scene that I know is Nick & his drug partner. She is standing across from him maybe behind a counter. She’s beautiful, her hair is black in an unusual hairdo. There’s a pony tail on top of her head, the hair clasped facing her on the left to right, a large bundle of hair going across her entire head, like 25% of all the hair on her head like this. Her skin is clear & light, her features even, a good vision.

She’s talking to Nick & he to her but there is something WRONG. Why her façade is insufficient although beautiful. As he talks & talks, the physical disappears & there is nothing beyond it – She is just physical, no spirituality, no substance. All there is. Now that he is dead he sees this. I see it also – I never realized she was totally devoid of spirituality before.

*** {BEAUTIFUL FEMALE DEVOID OF SPIRITUALITY: His drug partner, who I call Ruth Anne, looks good on the OUTSIDE but there is nothing INSIDE. We all see this clearly now. All that was attractive or seductive about her was of this world & the flesh – & the demon drugs. Seeing past that, there is NOTHING. He sees this now.

Her hair. The meaning here is HORIZONTAL. Horizontal is not vertical. Vertical points to the sky, upward, Heaven. Horizontal is earth, temporary, the world, people, everything of time & space. This is ON TOP of her head is what is most important to her, No. 1, her mind & heart are of this world. Her allure is of this world, nothing spiritual, it ends, it is a chimera, fool’s gold, fake.} ***

Then there is a sort of contest.

It’s vague, but both myself & another woman want to marry Nick. I can’t explain the process or anything in between, but she gets him, I’m out. I know there were scenes, but I’ve forgotten.

The next scene is easier to recall. We are in B’klyn. Several scenes here, this is HOME. In many of my dreams, I find this place to be my center. {It was here that I had my most significant spiritual experiences – Seeing God Face to Face, Divine Stigmata, & other experiences – Holy Mary appearing to me, giving me 3 rings of Light encircling me, the evangelical virtues. She also appears & asks me to take the vow of celibacy, etc. – Jesus as Julius Caesar appears, Mystical Union with Humanity of Jesus – Gift of Contemplation from St. Mary of Agreda.}

* {This is the HOME where God is. It is what you had to leave to find Nick & try to save him. Home is Heaven. It is Peace, happiness, fulfillment, all that is good. Away from home is the wilderness where anything can happen, the danger zone, the place of testing & hardship, the place of turmoil, frustration, confusion, & uncertainty.} *

But now everything has changed. The dream doesn’t say it directly, but it is JUDGEMENT DAY.

Nick appears, like in the sky, in front of my building, like 6 stories up, the top of him, his head or bust, just hovering there & he is answering for his CHOICE.

The files are opened, & there’s a file on me vs the one on the lady he chose to ‘marry’ on earth.

In my files it shows that I am a millionaire. Hers I don’t recall but I think the scene of her being only ‘physical’ is relevant.

The entire neighborhood is looking at him to ADMIT what his choice was. He has to speak it.

So we go through the stories of both women, her & me. And then, before the entire neighborhood of everyone that knows or knew him, he has to say it,

“I chose” & he must say who.

But he can’t or won’t, he is too ashamed or embarrassed. He just sits there silent. I urge him to say it but he is dumb.

The idea is vision. He has seen it now, his friends, the whole hood sees it, I see it. I am sort of defiant as I urge him to speak as he is so ashamed.

*** {MEANING: JUDGEMENT, MUST ADMIT WHO HE CHOSE, he can’t say it: This is now the vision & understanding fully, of what he did with his life. He chose the wrong woman & with it, the wrong path.

She was bereft of anything meaningful in life. She was drugs, the world, the people, the hood, the shallow fun, the escapism of Cloud 9, all that is temporary, anti-God, anti Eternal. He chose all that is low for all that is High, all that is temporary for all that is eternal, he chose bad instead of good.

On the other side of her was me. I represent God. I came to him as an emissary from God, warning him, for one thing, if he did not quit drugs he would die young of an overdose.

He started with me being sort of close, then he wandered & ran around with his ‘friends’ & other females, when he CHOSE one that answered all his twisted dreams – It was being right with those that were wrong, gaining their approval & dubious respect, & having a steady supply of drugs because of his new drug partner.

On the other hand was salvation in the form of me.

I would support him on is road to recovery, get him off drugs, help him establish a life which would have meaning. He could have a career; he would learn the important things in life, do things with meaning instead of drudgery work & partying every weekend.

The dream doesn’t say everything, just that I am a millionaire; this symbolizes both the transient world & the spiritual. I came to save him on both fronts, this world & the next, but he turned the other way.

This is so hard to face he can’t say it.

He is now standing or hovering in a place that represents the height of God. He sees it clearly & is ashamed & embarrassed.

And somehow, it is before everyone – those people he once was afraid to be criticized by, they all know he was a fool – everyone knows & that’s what’s so hard for him to face – these people.} ***

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Enlightenment vs Holiness

9-3-22 Enlightenment vs Holiness

These thoughts are inspired by the video of Ozay Tulku Rinpoche & his wife Sadguru Ahiranta—If the link doesn’t work check out Ozay & Ahiranta’s You Tube Channel “The Happy Life Show”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsXGU1tS2uc&list=PLfRo-0_w1H_Ft3JdneYo3qg7gzlP0E4LM&index=3&t=1596s

Ozay speaks a great teaching on Enlightenment, & how one LEAVES Enlightenment in order to help one’s fellow man.

He left his Enlightenment, {which was attained in prison}, to be a husband to his wife Kay & a father to her & his children. One cannot be UNATTACHED {a part of Enlightenment} while fulfilling the duties of day to day life. He goes into the fact of loving a partner, having a roof over the head, the responsibility of paying rent & bills, etc, all the workings of normal life. One has to SACRIFICE their Enlightenment to fulfill the earthly role.

That begs the question what IS Enlightenment? Good question. My answer is that what we call ‘Enlightenment’ is a type of CONSCIOUSNESS, or in other words, a mental, emotional spiritual place where one thinks certain thoughts & feels a certain way. In this state one is not attached to any one person, or to things, or to ambition, or to any desires of the world, while one is focused only on the concept of God & her Infinity.

{This is also an absolute prerequisite to seeing God face to face – which is a part of Enlightenment, not necessarily the same thing, as not all people I have seen who profess Enlightenment <& rightly so> – claim to have seen God Face to Face. The Beatific Vision means actually leaving this dimension & going to another one. Enlightenment does not require that.}

Now Ozay speak of sacrificing or leaving Enlightenment to take part in human relationships & achieving responsibility for others in this life. He explains that Buddha did so when he saw a vision of the water lilies. Wondering what to do with his life next, the Almighty showed him that all humans are in various stages of evolution, & to help them achieve their spiritual destiny was a path worthy of Buddha, & so, he undertook to help humanity & of course, to some degree, gave up THAT CONSCIOUSNESS.

However, Buddha did not give up his HOLINESS & neither has Ozay given up his holiness when he works out his plans to help others.

And let me add here, the term ‘Nonduality’ is Enlightenment, the Hindu word for it is Advaita, pronounced correctly, in Sanskrit A-DOIT-TA.

To compare my intense experience of ‘leaving’ the state of Enlightenment but not giving up my HOLINESS was that remarkable word from God, when after 30 years of celibacy, God told me to pack it in, quit the abstinence, go out & HAVE FUN. I resisted but God insisted, saying,

“If you do not do this you will be OUTSIDE THE WILL OF GOD.”

I THEN DID WHAT Buddha & Ozay did – left the peace & serenity of my lifestyle & re-entered the TUMOLT & sometimes CHAOS of earthly life. Back to LUST, drinking, carousing, having fun, being an idiot & a fool, all part & parcel of my obedience to God.

And why did I do it? To REMAIN INSIDE THE WILL OF GOD. When I asked my most informed friends, why did God force me to do this, William Bond had the best answer,

“Perhaps it wasn’t for you, it was for others.”

That goes perfectly with the reasoning Ozay suggests here, I went out & made a damned fool of myself for humanity. Others got the benefit of my holiness, even when I fell into lust & had sex with numerous guys, my grace rubbed off on them. I must have SAVED SOULS when they had contact with me. As many females benefited by my presence, – I met hundreds of females as well as males in our college town bars, we talked, hob knobbed – some of them told me THEY WORSHIPED ME!

In the end, it took eleven long years to wear myself out. From 2008 to 2017 I danced my ass off but that stopped with severe anxiety attacks over one male, while heart attacks followed. No more dancing, didn’t have the strength.

I continued seeing my one Beloved until the Corona fiasco shut down the bars. He was a drug addict & had moved in with his female drug partner– after a while he came out to the bars that reopened, but I went downtown no more. During this time I cured myself of the attachment to him – it was rough, it took a couple years to get over the addiction & regain my Enlightenment. Prior to that, he had total control over me & it was torture. Now I regained control & told him,

“No more sex unless you leave your phony wife & go into rehab.”

Two months later, he died of an overdose. Was it a suicide from a broken heart?

My time with lust & ‘having fun’ had reached its conclusion. Was my mission finished? Have I succeeded? Do I get my diploma, Lord?

This video speaks of the miraculous way God worked to bring Ahiranta & Ozay together, all the obstacles & experiences they faced,– in fact, Ahiranta says she got a serious illness in order to meet Ozay – God works in mysterious ways – Ahiranta saw a vision of Ozay from years before, when he was 11 or 12. In this sighting she saw a man who took her into his arms & told her everything would be alright. A marriage made in heaven. Their relationship is fascinating & the way they tell their stories also is.

Ozay makes a great point about understanding your own feelings, verbalizing them, putting them into words. Because if you don’t figure out why you feel as you feel, confusion reigns. You must meditate & search deep inside yourself to know why you feel what you feel to find peace.

These are great people, this video is top notch, I recommend seeing it.

PSS Ahiranta Explains Her Own Malady

Something I did not discern right away, took me a day, & then I realized Ahiranta explained her own malady.

It happened when she spoke of the RUNNER who when he hit the finish line, had spent so much of himself, he collapses & even loses control over his own BOWELS & LIMBS.

When I get insights or revelations it’s usually because I have seen PIECES OF A PUZZLE & all of a sudden, all the pieces are together & I see the picture.

I’ve know Ahiranta for many years, & she has a trait I was always aware of but I did not connect it to any malady. I knew about her sickness as it’s been a thing she’s spoken of from eons ago, & is part of the way she met Ozay – she needed help.

The pieces have now fallen together & I know why Ahiranta has symptoms that are mysterious & crippling so to speak, but which have no physical origin. And it is so simple that it’s as plain as the nose on your face, but no one ever sees it.

I didn’t see it as I thought that illness was cured many years ago & I’ve not spoken to Ahiranta & Ozay now for a few years – except to say hello.

So let me spill it in a nutshell, & that is all there is to it, Ahiranta, you give too much, you love too much, your heart is too open, you exhaust yourself, you spend your love & affection in an abnormal or extreme way.

When a person does as you do, they get hurt more than they should & they become ‘the sacrificial lamb.’

One must love themselves as well as their neighbor, you sometimes love the neighbor MORE than yourself, & as we listen to Ozay in the video, he speaks of CAUSE & EFFECT, & the cause of your malady is GIVING TOO MUCH, the effect of this is the exhaustion, the body collapsing, losing control over the body & all else that follows {long ago I recall your series on your paralysis} & whatever else is happening, though it seems remote, like BURNING, is all caused by this mental, physical, spiritual & emotional exhaustion – there is nothing else. You are doing this to yourself, & when you stop, the symptoms will stop.

I prayed on it, asking God why you do this & God said it doesn’t matter – just stop.

Just for example, for years now you have been writing me letters, sometimes I cringe when I read them, because they are so mushy, so affectionate, I fear answering them as if I don’t respond in kind, or with as much affection, it might hurt your feelings. I just don’t know what to say – you GIVE TOO MUCH LOVE SO STOP!

I remember when you kept speaking of the heart being open, again & again – your heart is TOO OPEN – STOP!

And you answered every one of my comments on your video -STOP! One comprehensive comment for all my comments is enough. It took me no effort to write my comments, it was just off the top of my head, but it takes you effort to answer them all – STOP!

Stop hurting yourself!

I have said it all, if you want to discuss it further then OK, but I have said all that needs to be said & you can believe me or not believe me but I have said what I understand.

When you stop 50% of this 50% of your symptoms will be gone. If you stop 80% of it ALL your symptoms will disappear. You need give only 20% of what you do to be a kind, loving, decent person. Giving too much, on ounce here, an ounce there, here, there, everywhere, soon you have given pounds away from your own body & there’s nothing left to balance you & keep you healthy…….

Guru Rasa Von Werder

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

His Life & Death

8-29-22 His Paranoid State with Me –

Why no pics were taken together & Strange turn of events

The headline pic is not him, one of my other models – I will use some other models this article

Last night I put together an article with many of Nick’s images including those with him & females – including nights when we made love – he hugged them for pics, not me. And I asked why did he want no images taken with him?

The dream was stressful & shows his paranoid state.

Dream: I was in love with this guy who really turned me on, I’d go into an ecstatic state when we are together. I wanted to see him so badly.

After a while, he finally comes over, to my 2^nd floor apt. He has longish wavy black hair, in clumps, & he’s somehow naked in my apt, I see his penis clearly, his skin is suntan like he’s a darker nationality like some sort of Latin mix. He seems to be a NERVOUS WRECK.

We’re in my room trying to have some privacy. But there’s this huge window – just like the one we had in B’klyn, like we’re in the kitchen & to the right is this window – it’s about 5-6’ square, & on the other side of it, slightly higher, are my neighbors, who’re sitting at a table, like maybe 3 women & 2 men, the women figure more prominently in this scene.

Why the window isn’t closed as we try to make love, I don’t know. At first, those women are just sitting there speaking to one another at their blonde {like Oak} table, but next thing you know, they ENTER our room! It’s a small leap from where they are to where we are but I am outraged, & invite them to leave, which they do.

Then I climb up on something & try to cover up the window with a couple things for privacy.

But my lover is SPOOKED OUT as he’s paranoid, afraid, nervous, & he leaves.

*** {NERVOUS STATE OF LOVER & NOSY NEIGHBORS: This dream explains, in two scenarios, why Nick didn’t want images taken with me – His fear of people – their opinion – especially that of women.

We were not allowed to be private, left alone, they got “into our space,” our privacy, apparently giving their opinions, like because it’s a TABLE could be saying,

“What does she bring to the table? What does he?”

It’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS but they are butting in & he is SCARED OF THEM.

He BREAKS MY HEART by his absence.

I do recall that one of his bear pong buddies – a female his own age – told him it was wrong for him to be with me, as he was looking for a Mother. He should be with HER & she did have sex with him, he told me he was ‘using her for sex’ last time we spoke.

Don’t know who else said negative things, probably they all did. His state of mind is because he’s INSECURE, not confident at all.

I call & call to him, from here on in I have nothing but trouble & I thought I had him in my h ands, but I look at my hands & they are empty, & later he does appear, but disappears again. Both he & I are having terrible stress because of these interfering neighbors.

*** {APPEAR, DISAPPEAR: We both had great stress in our relationship & he would come & go like the wind. See the song, ‘The Wayward Wind.’ By Patsy Cline & Gogi Grant hits:

“Oh, the wayward wind is a restless wind
A restless wind that yearns to wander
And he was born the next of kin
The next of kin to the wayward wind”

Later there’s this theater. I go there to watch a movie, it’s night. I sit, in front of me left is a black guy, I see his shoulders, he’s full bodied. I want to speak to him but am shy. I look to my right & there’s a thin young black man, I do speak to him & say,

“This movie is boring.”

He somehow agrees – he’s quiet.

I vaguely recall bending to the shoulder & ear of that guy in front of me & saying softly,

“I love you.”

Then I walk to the left aisle – btw – this theater is practically empty, almost no one goes here at night, it’s like 5 people in the whole theater. Anyway, I walk on this wide left hand aisle, it’s about 10-12’ wide, everything is clean; it has a light reddish tone. I’m doing some research or something & someone, maybe my daughter, finds a large piece of white paper on the floor & picks it up. I see my address in on the left top corner. I don’t want any of my ID left here & I take that paper to leave with it. Not sure what I was doing in this theater except research of some kind but I didn’t want people to know I was there, no proof.

*** {THEATER I WANT NO PROOF OF MY BEING THERE: This hearkens ot the question of why Nick wanted no images of him & you – Because he feared there being proof the two of you were together. This real PARANOIA because he hung with addicts, pushers, & many women he bedded besides his front woman – & he had pics taken with them. But apparently, there was harsher criticism & ridicule about me than anyone else. Drug users & pushers in his society were commonplace – women much older than he were not. This is what he feared – criticism & ridicule for loving me, conversely, as weird as it seems to straight people, there was no criticism for drug dealers or users – they were not only comfortable with this, they bragged about it, sung about it & it made them feel they BELONGED. But the love of an older woman would make a guy an OUTCAST.

The dude I whisper to is obviously Nick, the one to my right one of his friends. We’re all observing his life story. Why is it night & no one is here? Night is ‘dark night of the soul,’ not knowing, being in darkness or lack of understanding. I talk about RESEARCH means I’m trying to figure it out. Why are there few people here? Few are thinking about his life in terms of what was behind it?

When I say this movie is boring, I’m speaking of his life as boring or meaningless. When I wrote the first article about him where I featured many of his local pics, he said,

“I WASTED MY LIFE”

<this is channeling – yes, he admitted it once he was dead.>

The guy to the right who seems to agree with me, – there’s an empty seat between us – is now subdued, is someone who talked too much while living, I recall ‘Tom’ him with annoyance. I took him out to dinner several times along with Nick & his friends….he would not shut up. This shows Nick’s death zipped his lip.

He might appear here as he took some pics & a VIDEO of Nick & me where he was doing ‘the monkey dance’ toward me when I raised my leg to the ceiling – but he said later when he tried to show me THAT NICK HAD ERASED IT. It seems he agrees with me that their LIFESTYLE WAS WRONG – BORING is another term for WITHOUT MEANING.

The empty seat between us? Nick is in front of me so it can’t be the lack of Nick. It might be we are no longer CLOSE – I’ve not spoken to him in years.} ***

Again, it is night & I’m in a place like the old Post Office area in B’klyn where I used to go almost daily. I need to walk home, but must go through an area that is dangerous, so I go way up in the air, like 30’ – later I even rise 50’ in the air & say to myself when it’s night I will not walk the street, as there could be muggers people lurking, I will rise above the tree tops to make my journey, so here I go sailing in the air on this long walk home.

Now I’m in the woods on that familiar road behind the house near Freehold NJ – this road I’ve taken hundreds of times in my dreams. Except this day I pass by some landmarks saying that others have moved in, interlopers, this is my property, but they have invaded.

As I go past one area I see something white to the right, on a hilly spot, & a strong bright light is shining & is pointed on me as I go by. I realize people are camping here – not something that happened in the past, this is new.

Then I come to a building right in the middle of the road, looks like a covered bridge but is a building painted red, pretty, with white trim like in between a barn & house. At first I think this is bad or whoever put this here is wrong, as its blocking the road, but as I come up to it I see there is ample room to the right of it to go by.

*** {IN THE AIR BECAUSE IT’S NIGHT, JOURNEY HOME THROUGH THE WILDERNESS: This is rising above time & space, the dangers of the world, lower thoughts, lower feelings & the demonic. I must rise above all this, that is the MESSAGE as it’s the POST OFFICE. There is a BRIGHT LIGHT at one point shining at me – could be the Light of God, Saints or Angels helping me.

The RED BUILDING I think is a BLOCK, someone seems to have built it there & it’s wrong – is most probably the OBSTACLE of Nick’s death, dying & therefore the prediction that he & I would be together as man & wife cannot come true. RED is BLOOD or suffering. First, I thought it wrong, but then I see one can GET BY THIS which means get past his death; cope with it, live with it. Indeed, I am doing remarkably well & much insight & closure are coming to me about all this – why it was as it was, why death was his only way out, how the Truth now comes to Light through all this.

I understand him & our relationship more clearly than I ever did when he was alive.

The FAMILIAR ROAD / JOURNEY hearkens back to long ago when I was a child. It’s the journey of LIFE, & the ROAD HOME is seeking fulfillment, peace, happiness, meaning, love & one’s destiny.

The BRIGHT LIGHT from a hill to the right is something from GOD, bestowing insight on me, about the building up ahead, which is Nick’s death.

One thing that comforts me again & again, God keeps saying like so:

“If he had gone into rehab, been with you, you would have been the sacrificial lamb. Part of the time you would have been happy, but much of the time you would have been miserable due to his behavior, neediness, lack of discipline & errant ways. He would have relapsed over & over. You would have had the biggest baby in America, one hard to handle, one causing you continuous stress.

The only way he kept semi under control was through drugs, he & his partner drugged together & that pacified him. Otherwise he was a basket case & you knew it. He needed therapy, but he wouldn’t allow it. He was not cooperative with you for his healing, career, for anything. He would have had you jumping through hoops to keep him busy & out of trouble.

God did not want you sacrificed.

And if you had seen him the night he called, it would have started the pattern all over again, like it was before. It would have forestalled his death for a while, but once he decided he would be a forever drug addict with his drug mate, the writing was on the wall. He was doomed. And you predicted it in 2014. Each of your channeling friends agreed.} ***

8-30-22 Strange turn of events

There’s an EVENT going on in front of me, like a line of things, like a design, & Nick is standing in the middle of it. Something bad happens, then there is an investigation of sorts.

A big woman shows up near him & it’s strange, although something bad happened – like an assassination – I feel she’s asking him to commit another event like that, like another assassination, but this is vague & confusing.

She’s big, like weighing 300 lbs, in a dark floral print dress, black background or very dark blue with figures on it in all dark colors. Her hair is well set, its shoulder length, thickly curled.

When she goes away to do something I walk in & speak to Nick. He tells me she’s some kind of important official, like the wife of the Chief of Treasury, or maybe she’s the Chief of Treasury herself, in this foreign land.

Nick & I are now seated at a small booth as in a restaurant, thickly padded vinyl brown seats {I sense brown} with a dark solid partition to our right – the table & booth are small, seating only 2 people. Close to him there’s a silver teapot, the kind that has a round part on top, then a small waist, then a bigger round pot on the bottom. I touch it, it’s hot – like hot water inside. I tell Nick I guess this is tea.

The big woman returns & gives me a FIERCE glance.

She’s Spanish & since she’s important I didn’t know how to greet her to give her the honor she’d expect, like in English, I’d say something,

“Honored to meet you, your Ladyship”

but can’t think of the words in Spanish even remotely, so instead, I kiss her right hand in a respectful European manner.

At that moment she unfurls a white tablecloth to go over our little table – She’s going to serve us. This is a surprising action, as she is this Lady of high standing, but now she’s OUR SERVER!

*** {LADY OF THE TREASURY, WHO NOW SERVES US: This dream I analyzed while still in bed, went to sleep & dreamed some more. It’s deep.

This ‘important lady’ who is some kind of TREASURY person, is the gf who financed him so he could do drugs every day. As I said many times before, she might have given him the drugs for months in the beginning, before he got a full-time job. Then he got a full-time job & had the luxury of spending most of his money on his habits – he was addicted to regular cigs & grass, beer & became addicted to cocaine because of this lady. Not sure if he graduated to heroin the last years – it is possible.

She was BIG or IMPORTANT to him during the time they were together for this reason.

The EVENT is his death of an overdose. I warned him about this dozens of times since 2014 – predicted it – he paid no attention.

And so, I am watching this ‘from afar’ so to speak, checking his face book.

Her immediate reaction was he had ‘killed himself,’ the assassination, & she was so upset she wised to be dead also – the second assassination.

Her leaving & my MOVING CLOSER to Nick is when the body was gone – she left or became ‘distant’ to him. She did not relate to his SPIRIT as I do.

That was when I MOVED IN. My relationship with him has been, from the beginning, SPIRITUAL. And so his body being gone, he actually came closer to me & I to him because

*** He was no longer distracted by the other people around him – his male & female friends

*** I had dismissed him from my mind for the most part, but now returned to communicate & converse with him

And so, we came together in a private place, one in which there is no ROOM for anyone else or no ATTENTION paid to them – just us – the SMALL BOOTH.

The silver teapot reminds me of all the MARRIAGE dreams I had over the years – it signifies a LONG TIME, if 25 years go by since we met – 2011 + 25 = 2036. In 2036 I’ll be 91 – the age predicted for me to live to since many years ago. I didn’t expect I would live this long since my several heart attacks of 2017, but then again, who knows.

So this is a sign of our TOGETHERNESS. Why the BROWN? It’s a sign of almost black sufferings. That could be the time we both spent leading up to this – it’s been a dark, dreary time of stress, misunderstanding, jealousy, pain & terrible separations. We both suffered equally. But this shows us

APART {partition to our right} from others, we were meant to be together, just the two of us, in the end.

Now the BIG WOMAN – his gf comes back & I know its her because of the FIERCE LOOK.

But I have a message for her here. I am giving her honor or credit for something. One moment I kiss her hand. And then she unfurls a white table cloth for our little table, as if she’s going to SET A MEAL FOR US – she’s our server or servant!

The white tablecloth is MARRIAGE, which goes along with the silver teapot for tea.

TEA is something you have for a repast/ break, time out, refreshment. My grandma used to call for tea several times a day; it didn’t just mean tea, it meant put the bread, jams & jelly, butter & cheese on the table for a snack. It’s relaxation, rest, refreshment.

How she becomes our server/servant after Nick’s death is strange. It’s as if she helped him die, which removed him from her & put him with me.

My God Self explained it like this:

“None of these people functions on a spiritual basis. They don’t have the skills to do so. They cannot talk to God or saints or Souls in purgatory. They cannot read minds like you can. They function on the physical plane only, so they communicated & conversed with Nick only with his flesh, & when that was gone, it was the end of communication.

Not so for you. You are spiritual & when Nick lost his body but not his soul, he belonged to you. He could communicate with you alone, not with them, so he is yours alone, you are his.

And so, by providing Nick with drugs she also helped him die, which then, set a table before you by her – by helping to kill him she helped him transit from herself & earthly people to you. So she’s your server or servant.

A strange turn of events to be sure.

In the next dream later that night I see myself in a white lace, low cut dress. I keep looking at my chest to see if it fits right.

* {WHITE LACE DRESS: My wedding dress. Breasts are love, I’m thinking of love. Not sure what this means except my marriage to Nick.} *

College of God & Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

NICK MARRIES ME!

8-25-22 NICK BESTOWS WEDDING DRESS ON ME – Party in Purgatory – Souls Ascend

Wow! Yesterday Nick ascended into Heaven, today he marries me!

We were united by God mystically – ‘what God has joined together, let no man put asunder’ – April 21, 2019. I DID NOT KNOW there would be anything more than that, but here it is.

I’m standing in front of an open closet – the one upstairs where I keep the male model’s clothes. It has no door.

* {THE CLOSET: This is the closet where you still have the male model’s clothes. You were the GIVER with the models. You bought all their clothes & also paid them, which includes Nick. But now it’s your turn to RECEIVE, so the tables or closets are turned.} *

As I stand there I see something as if from the past – a sight of a wedding veil, hovering in the air, small, the regular see-through kind, with a cap or top, then flowing net, it’s small as if far away in my mind, pure white.

Then I’m thinking about a new veil or maybe DRESS, not sure which. And I think I am POOR & can’t afford it.

But a man appears to my left front & presents me with a long flowing – is it a veil or dress? Could be either or both. It’s like he tosses it in front of me, it hovers in the air, he seems JOYFUL in doing this. It’s not see through, soft & cream color, & the top of it begins with a lamp shape, as if the shape of the top of it covers a traditional lamp, like a BELL, cascading over it, downward, quite long so whatever it is, it might flow below the feet – looks to be at least 6 feet, it has a soft finish like waves on the side – also large scallops but I can’t place where they are, just know they’re there.

I see this is a GIFT from this man because like I said, I’m poor, & he was SO HAPPY to give it.

And next, lo & behold, I’m eating a vanilla cake with pure white frosting, I can taste it, obviously a wedding cake.

*** {WOW! Nick has officially CHOSEN YOU FOR HIS BRIDE! The lamp/bell has two meaning, Bell meaning WEDDING BELL & LAMP meaning LIGHT.

Light is extremely important in spiritual terms. There is nothing physical per se, it’s all energy, & the higher energies are Lights, so Nick is giving you a Light which means wedding or “United as man & wife’ Light. And Mystical Marriage means he isn’t giving you one of his Gifts – the way saints would – he’s giving you HIMSELF, where beyond that, there’s nothing bigger or better.

Now God joined you together as you said, from above.

What is interesting here is Nick was dependent on you in Purgatory, he wasn’t capable of giving you anything – he even needed you to grant Light to his lady friend & child, & you did.

But now, he IS capable of giving you something, & here it is! It isn’t a small thing or a gift; it is Himself, beyond which there is nothing bigger or better. He’s doing this by his CHOICE, he could do something else, but it’s his decision, his will you be married. This is so gratifying.

ME to Mother God: Please explain why I am POOR, & the meaning of the dress further.

MG: Your poverty is not financial; it’s the lack of love. When Nick was living, he wasn’t capable of giving True Love. He was needy & DESPERATE for YOUR LOVE & you gave him it. Then he died & in Purgatory, again, he was dependent on you not only for his own need but to help others he cared about on earth. You granted it.

But once he ascended, he had spiritual Power. This is what he did with it. He proved he loves you – wow.

The cream is a good color of love, it’s a superlative, like ‘the cream of the crop,’ ‘the cream at the top,’ representing the best of something, the cream is the RICHEST part of the milk {along with butter}, it is also SWEET. This is a wonderful symbol because LOVE IS SWEET. When you whip cream it makes a wonderful dessert topping.

The dress is soft – soft like LOVE. Love is not HARD. It flows, love flows softly like a gentle breeze or stream. And it is long, meaning it’s long lasting, it covers a lot, it isn’t short lived or temporary.

The scallops could be a symbol of FISH or SEA CREATURE – scallops are one of your favorite sea foods. Fish represent Christianity, Christianity is LOVE. Again, this might reiterate Love.} ***

The Scouts – Celebration

I’m on my property deep in the wilderness but it has dirt roads through it, remote but beautiful. Daughter & I are sitting at a table enjoying a meal, a picnic.

* {WILDERNESS, BEAUTIFUL WITH SCOUTS, DAUGHTER & ME: I sense this is myself {Higher Self, God Self} & my flesh saying the Holy Mass. This dream shows two parts – first in the woods or wilderness, you at a table which is the altar, then afterwards you’ll see a party – where Souls are CELEBRATING something.} *

Before us is a road as if it comes from the river, it has well-worn grass like in rows, it’s not just dirt, & there we see a whole lot of Boy Scouts convening, having some sort of a good time. To the right of these cub scouts are older scouts, separated by a criss-cross black wire fence. The fence isn’t obvious but it’s there & past that fence, I’m not sure if that’s my property or a neighbor’s.

*** {THE ROAD FROM THE RIVER, WELL WORN: The RIVER is a symbol of GRACE, many spiritual songs like ‘Shall we gather at the river.’ Purgatorial Souls are Holy Souls – they are forgiven their sins, this is God’s Waiting Room. Here they are cleansed of the result of sins as well as attachments to the earth.

And so, this road is well worn, as many Souls have been brought to you by Angels & Saints to minister to. And these being ‘cub scouts’ are those quite ready to ascend, as they seem innocent, pure in heart or clean. There are others not quite ready to ascend, older ones to the right of that black wire fence. The black wire sounds like the Will of God {metal is God’s Will, black is depression, but it isn’t solid, you can see right through it, they aren’t in a low Purgatory, just not quite ready yet} is not finished with them yet, they are not on YOUR PROPERTY yet but the neighbor’s. Those on YOUR PROPERTY implies they are in your domain or spiritual office & will ascend imminently.} ***

My daughter & I greet the scouts – I don’t dare tell them it’s my property {they don’t know, they were lead here} as it might intimidate them or make them uncomfortable; they might think they need permission – I just want them to feel free & happy. I joke with them & say,

“Can I be one of you scouts?”

Some sweet little tyke says no, we have to be all boys,”

He’s so innocent he thought I was serious. And I say,

“I used to be a girl scout.”

I am really happy in this dream.

*** {MY PROPERTY, DON’T WANT TO TELL THEM: This shows my LOVE for these Souls. I want them to be free & happy; don’t want them to be uncomfortable. My asking if I can be a scout, then saying I used to be one, is saying I’ve already done my Purgatory.

Us sitting at the table when they arriving is sitting at the altar/table saying the Holy Mass, which brought these Scouts / Souls to me by the Grace of God – the River of Grace} ***

Then it changes & daughter & I are in B’klyn, at the apt. The scouts disappeared from the wilderness; I will see them shortly here.

Something about the key – it’s made of a strong white cardboard {much larger size than regular keys} for me to get in the front door – I make a note that I must get some keys copied in metal, as this paper thing will eventually fall apart.

Daughter is in the apt with me, wants to go out. Usually I’m strict & don’t let her do all she wants, but now, I let go of the short leash & say,

“Oh, go on!”

She just wanted to have a good time some place.

Now I see the scouts, they have come to the city for a Grand Party. There’s a contingency of females as well as males – a lot of them. I’d say there are 50 males, 50 females.

I peek into their party. I see one female wearing a silver tiara, she might be mulatto.

These are the same scouts as in the wilderness. All this is supervised; they are led by adults & brought here by them.

As I look in I know I’m not one of them, but I feel happy for them. As I stand at their entrance, they stare at me thoughtfully, like who am I?

As I stand in front of my building door, one young male breaks from the party & approaches me. The feeling is he thinks he might know me or else wants my autograph, but then gets shy & goes back to the group.

*** {THE PARTY: This is a CELEBRATION. Of what? {Often I saw parties when a soul went up – not always. Sometimes they would approach me gleefully & thank me, as I ministered for years to some souls – example Frank Sinatra. How beautiful he was when he thanked me. He appeared as a teenage boy in a white t shirt, threw stardust all over my yard from the upper where we stood to the lower yard, which sinks like 15’ below, & gave me the most loving long hug}…… Could be several things like so:

*** Nick’s ascension into Heaven

*** Nick choosing me for his wife

*** One or more other souls are ascending today.

It could be the female in the TIARA but it’s probably ALL OF THEM because on SPECIAL OCCASIONS God permits MULTIPLE SOULS to ascend. Example – Last St. Martin Luther King Jr. Day I was saying the Mass regularly & St. Martin got a large number of Souls up at once – maybe 50 Souls. This could be like that.

The female with the Tiara would show she is SPECIAL. Great Souls get SPECIAL AWARDS seen as jewels, they made great sacrifices & endured great hardships. They can be bedecked with jewels. I have no idea who this female is or what she did but I know she’s decorated. She was taller too, a symbol of Spiritual Height. St. Joan of Arc is 6’ tall.

The sweet male who comes toward me from the crowd might think he knows me or heard of me, but after getting close he retreats, as he’s shy. This might be my Spiritual Stature intimidates him. I know this, the higher one is in Heaven, the more privileges they have. For example, someone lower than me in stature or brilliance cannot approach me or communicate with me without permission, the onus is on the soul that has the greater Light.

It’s been an incredible day, I was thanking God all night.

8-26-22 Is That All? Lol – Means he is mine & mine alone

I can recall only 2 quick dreams, first & last, forgot all in between.

The first Nick & I had just finished making love. I don’t see the act. I see his head like hovering in the air, I feel the sexiness or appeal oozing out of him. It’s like we made love over the hill or mound, the other side, now we are here talking. And he says,

“Is that all?”

And I say,

“I’m satisfied.”

And I FEEL total satisfaction although I can’t recall the sex act at all.

I sensed he wanted some sort of orgy, like 3 women, lol. But that is not to be I think.

This dream might be the answer to my question, now that Nick married me, we’re on the ‘other side’ or dimension – Will he have me only or will he be able to marry others?

Will he be able to have sex with me on the other side? What about other women?

So this might answer the question: You Rasa, have him & he has you & you alone. Your sufferings are over.

In life he was selfish & unfaithful, he called the shots, he did what he wanted.

He put his drug partner as his significant other on Face book & elsewhere. He had you as his back street woman – no one knew of of you. And when he saw you, to diminish his fake wife he would always tell you about another female he was ‘talking to’ {fucking} besides her. And to you he said,

‘Don’t mess up my DEAL with her’ {the fake wife.} So he fooled everyone, he hurt all of you.

But now, you have won.

All the things God said to you have come full circle, God did not lie.

This is God’s world – She calls the shots. And She – God – has chosen / designated you as his legitimate wife, the way King Solomon designated one woman who was willing to SACRIFICE as the righteous MOTHER of the baby in dispute.

Since you were the one who LOVED HIM THE MOST now he is dead, he does not have the power he did on earth, he is under the jurisdiction & Power of the Almighty.

So he is by his words, answering your prayer,

“Is that all?”

And the answer is,

“Yes, this is it. You have Rasa & her alone. She’s your wife, you can only have sex with her, case closed, lol.”

Then many dreams I forgot & the last, a male & female on roller skates were holding hands & zooming about, having fun, in a place like a Town Square.

* {COUPLE ON ROLLER SCATES: This has to be you & Nick in Heaven, together, having fun. The roller skates signify freedom, innocence like children playing, the Town Square is openness, no more secret, back door wife.} *

PS Two days after this, they scheduled a ROLLER SKATING PARTY in memory of Nick, at a local park, which 54 people attended. I knew nothing of that when I dreamed this, but here, it shows Nick & I skating together in a public place. So I don’t physically have to go anywhere – his funeral or memorial services. They are on the earth plane, Nick & I are on the spiritual plane living & communicating. He appears nightly in my dreams.

College of God & Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

NICK IN HEAVEN!

8-24-22 He in BRIGHT DAYLIGHT OPEN SKY

6^th day Holy Mass – He was in Purgatory for only 10 days! 2^nd shortest Purgatory for anyone I ministered to!

The shortest one ever was a

lady named Brenda, recently, who spent only 1 day in Purgatory for one forgotten sin!

Is he in Heaven?

I was doing something – what? Look below after this dream – it came back. Next thing I know I am looking at a wide open, huge field. Big sky, all super green on the bottom, & in the middle of this field stands Nick. He looks healthy & the sun is so bright, his skin is dark as if from a tan. He looks handsome.

Alongside him is a smaller person, to his left, & a tiny person to his right, child size. I wonder, is this his gf & child?

Meaning:

*** (FIELD, OPEN, GREEN, GOOD FEELING: It seems that Nick has been cleansed & is now in his Heaven. The dreams following this he is the Asian man & the military man. It looks like I PAID to get him here – has to be the Holy Masses.

None of these people who were mourning for him ever mentioned praying for his soul or getting Masses for him, & most of them are Christians. So I was the only one that I know of literally helping him with true spiritual help. Yes, they grieved, yes, they gave money & the charity counts. But I did the most Powerful thing for his soul.

This CANNOT BE PURGATORY because Purgatory has always a CLOSED SPACE, be it a building, cave, or overhead sky that stops. But this is the open sky, & the green under one’s feet is LIFE. Purgatory is usually colorless, drab, & dim. This is so bright it looks like he got a tan from it! It’s Heaven!} ***

Prior to that, I was listening to a long 2 or more hour audio tape on those old fashioned tape machines. I heard Nick, & he said re me,

“Yes, she had consecrated part of my brain” {words are vague} meaning I had an influence on his brain, I touched it.

I wanted to keep that tape preserved, it was precious.

I wake up in wonder & go back to sleep. Maybe the next dreams will help solve this.

These Dreams Explain that I Paid for His Happiness –

The Poor Women, Woman, in both dreams are his girl friend who is MOURNING / CRYING, & the second person is his 3 year old son. This is saying I STOPPED THEIR TEARS, they are now happy WITH HIM because he is IN HEAVEN – & obviously this is in their souls, it’s probably UNCONSCIOUS – But if he’s in Heaven then their souls are at peace, not in misery.

1^st Dream: I’m in a house with my middle-aged Asian Dad {like around 50-55} – he’s short, his skin looks pasty & has a couple bumps on it – is standing to my left facing straight so his left side is to me, he’s higher up, I might be sitting. It seems he’s DEPENDENT on me financially because he says to me,

“Please see to it these 2 bills are paid,”

and I pick them up & look at them – they seem innocent enough {I didn’t want Dad doing anything extravagant or using me} but then I say

“Hey, I’m not paying for these two young concubines {word is vague, could be gf’s or wives} for you!”

And he says,

“But they are BEAUTIFUL!”

How weird can it get? Next thing I know they are here, & they were so poor that being here, me paying their way, Dad gets their company, worked out alright.

*** {ASIAN, PASTY FACE/SKIN WITH BUMPS: This reminds me a bit of how Nick looks in his latest images. He’s gained weight & yes, in the past – when I photographed him he had a couple bumps like adult acne – very slight. But his skin looks slightly like that in his latest pictures. Second clue is he’s ASIAN & that DEFINITELY means in my vocabulary A RESIDENT OF HEAVEN OR A SPIRITUAL, HOLY BEING. This says he has ascended {another hint, he’s higher than me, looking forward & me being on his left, is he’s left me behind on earth, he’s ascended into heaven} & by his ascension he has brought happiness to his little family of girlfriend & 3 year old son. This reminds me of when Errol Flynn, after he’d been in Heaven through my ministry for years, used me or my ‘office’ on earth, to life up his last wife & girl friend from Purgatory into Heaven, lol, on the same day.

Him being DEPENDENT on me is obviously when he was in Purgatory, this underscores their position in relation to us, they cannot give, only receive from us, so he’s asking me to make sure I PAY FOR his little fam to be with him! But I must also add that the saints in Heaven – those who are ascended – use us, the Church Militant – to help other souls, raise them up out of Purgatory. These persons are in a Purgatorial state on earth, so maybe this applies to earth as well.} ***

Next thing I know I’m in another household & the man I am with is in the MILITARY, some kind of OFFICER. He’s going to USE HIS RANK to get a beautiful young woman – maybe a private – commissioned to live with us so he can have sex with her! It might even be two of them, but I physically see only one.

We have an EXTENDED apt, large, with several bedrooms, comfortable. When this female arrives she is BAWLING – crying real loud as she doesn’t want o be here! She’s tall, young, has flowing hair framing her face – I feel sorry for her & feel my man friend, is taking advantage of his position.

But the strange thing is once again, she adjusts & seems to like the arrangement. My man friend is to the left in the room, I have something to do with this but not sure what. It was all done FOR HIM.

*** {MILITARY MAN USES HIS RANK: Rank is influence, pull or someone in a higher position. This could be saying that Nick, in his position as my Beloved can use me {I am the Church Militant in the Catholic definition} to bring his girl friend {common law wife} & child out of their misery into his Heavenly state. I am showing a very slight indignation as I am in love with Nick, but basically go along with it. OK, so he wants to bring them into his Heaven, fine, let’s do it.

And so basically he is now HAPPY IN HEAVEN & wants to make sure we get his girl friend & child into happiness as well. In the dreams you see them in misery, crying, at first, but then they stop & are satisfied.

College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

to Bey or not to Bey?

to Bey or not to Bey?

Anna Bey is the greatest expert on becoming the woman who snags the elite. She knows it all – seriously – from cosmetics to surgery, to clothing, purses, deportment, culture, education, manners, status – you name it. She has hundreds of movies explaining the subject, including her mistakes on the way.

Check this version for pics on Anna. Right now I cannot put pics from the computer onto my site here, I can only use what’s in my archives……

https://rasavonwerder-william.blogspot.com/2022/07/viva-lacounterrevolution-why.html?sc=1660016727250#c1877639679156759803

Chapter 12 To Bey or not to Bey 8-8-22

Anna is now 36, pushing into the time when these eligible men will no longer consider you prime real estate – by 40 these guys retire us {she seems to say} into obscurity & old age. Not sure if she has a solution to that. I’ve seen about two dozen of her tutorials, she has more answers than I’m aware of.

But yesterday she took the cake. I watched two of her presentations – for me it’s like watching a cobra, I want to look away but I can’t. She preaches the OPPOSITE of all that I represent, & yet, I am ON HER SIDE as she HAS A POINT. My attitude is woman, stand on your own two feet – stop looking at penises. Woman, the New Religion is WALK AWAY from men – create your own world, become the man & woman you want to be – re-animate the masculine traits you once sacrificed, be the strong, heroic, brave & bold person as well as the soft, caring, maternal, compassionate creature that you are. Be all things you once were millennia ago when you were the Great Mother & we worshipped woman as God & God as woman – women reproduced through parthenogenesis. It’s along way to go back there, but human men are going extinct, we’ll have no choice sooner or later.

Last night I saw two of her videos – one was on the mistakes she’s made, & two, on staying away from male losers. When done with this she penetrated my mind to the point I can’t dismiss, it captured me. Previous to this I could watch & walk away. Of humor to me are the purses. She showed us all the purses from designers – I didn’t know then some of these cost thousands of dollars! She explained which are chic, which are not & why. I paid attention, went to the dollar store that looked to me like quality & bought it for twelve bucks, lol.

Then there was the clothing. She explained what was chic, what not. OK, I agree. But her line of duds would not get any hardons from men I know. When I dress like that I get no whistles, no men approach me, it’s like dressing nun style & you get as many offers as nuns. Men as I know them go for sex & unless something sexy catches them, they ignore you – I mean ALL men wherever I go. Of course I’m not talking millionaire yacht clubs or Palm Beach country clubs, I’m talking average venues. I have not tried to infiltrate the elite wherever they hide, but I have had marriage proposals from the rich & famous – all based on my looks, body & youth. They wanted sex so they wanted to marry me, that’s all I know.

Back to Anna. So now, she’s talking of her mistakes. First, it’s the eyelashes, she had them glued on permanently, so long that people were gossiping. She shows an image – yes, they were extreme, yes, it did not do her good. Then the hair color – dark. No, it was not her best look, no she did not look elegant, not right for her. But what really got me was the teeth. She took out a loan – must have been like 50k or more – to have every tooth in her mouth capped. She got a deal where they could do it in 7 days instead of the usual say 3 weeks or more? And then, they started falling out. Yiikes. They had to redo every tooth, which mean drilling them down again – I’ve had some done – then recapping. Finally it was over, she sports the lustrous perfect set she has now, they are beautiful – but what she went through I could imagine tears flowing down her eyes, not to mention her mouth was sensitive from all the stress for a year – couldn’t eat hot or cold, couldn’t open her mouth in cold air, etc – An ordeal. Thank God the condition normalized.

Now I was thinking of all the other procedures Anna had gone through, so many it boggles the mind, I can’t even remember them all. I mean like enhancing her cheeks, reducing her chin was it?, puffing up her lips, hair extensions galore, tattooing her eyebrows, cosmetics going into hundreds of thousands & think of the stress. All this TO SNAG A RICH MAN! How HATEFUL men are who expect all this from a woman!

Then there’s the ‘trashy Reality TV show.’ Wow, was that eye opening. It seems that prior to hers, a Princess of Sweden – I had seen her with the Prince – {the handsomest Prince that ever lived – walking down the aisle – people only stared at him, not her! I heard she’d been part of a Reality Show – I thought it was a survivalist show – but Anna shows clips,

in one, she’s on her stomach, her top is off, a man is behind her massaging her thighs!}.

Five years later, this is one of Anna’s MISTAKES – being on this national Swedish ‘trashy’ show. She explains how the members are manipulated to do outrageous things – she kissed a girl as well as guys – she got fall down drunk, which producers appreciated, etc. And for three weeks of degrading shenanigans she only made 300 bucks! She repeats again & again how don’t do anything like this friends, it isn’t worth it.

I analyze in my mind how the Princess looked & how Anna looked within this show. The princess looked so young she could have passed for 18. And wow, was she cute! She looked like some sort of dessert – or a cute baby animal like a hedgehog or otter or baby raccoon, the kind you want to hold in your hands & cuddle. I could see why the Prince would want her.

Not so for poor dear Anna. This is a while back – But Anna looked middle aged. Her hair is dark, heavy makeup including dark red cheeks like a Tibetan or those who live in Siberia. I found the cheeks positively annoying. She looks amazingly, like 40 years old except for the ACNE, lol! What is going on? I can see why cutie got the Prince, but Anna made a mistake. The mistake was her GROOMING.

Today, Anna has transformed into an Angel. She says MAKEUP makes you look OLDER! Her face looks completely natural, no makeup – only the telltale puffy lips say ‘altered’. You don’t see all the surgeries or tattoos, attached lashes, fake hair, everything looks real. She’s a Dresden doll, a statue of a Goddess, carved by an artist greater than Rodin or Michelangelo, she’s made by a supernatural power, – No paint, just surgery! And she could pass for 20!

Now the next video. It’s the cheap men, those that are unreliable, who want you to pay half, don’t keep their promises, who – ok, so Anna got it the same as the rest of us –who make promises but don’t even give us Arpege – they just wanted to get laid. Anna is passionate, yet as usual, articulate, & you have to hand it to her, English is her third language! She’s Swedish, knows Italian & is a whiz at English & delivers her knowledge in the most pristine, luxurious settings, designer clothes & perfect poise. They say ‘one of a kind’ – She is it.

As Anna speaks, she delivers WHY men should pay. This I had to hear. I have my own version, Anna’s isn’t far off – we’re sisters under the skin.

We have more EXPENSES! When you think of the half million or so Anna spent to transform herself, you chuckle, but OK, indeed, what about the small scale of poor to middle class women? She has a point, what does a poor woman have to pay?

A poor woman has basically to take care of CHILDREN. She’s got rent, food, clothing, diapers, etc, a myriad of expenses she has to struggle to get either from welfare or her own poor earnings. We’re saying many women are ABANDONED. Men had their fun, their teaspoon of sperm is delivered, the woman is left holding the bag & the bills. What do they care? They reproduced, they did their duty. {Like the world needed more of them?}

And the middle-class woman, such as myself, raised a child alone. I paid everything – he had died & left me penniless on purpose by canceling his life insurance. {My first husband, I was 19}

My choice was not welfare but work. I was a dancer. I paid a baby sitter. The baby sitter is not cheap, one of the biggest expenses. I lived MODESTLY, day to day, week to week, although I made decent money – it wasn’t enough to be COMFORTABLE; Constant worry re making ends meet.

But Anna is in another orbit. She hob knobs only with millionaires & teaches us to do so. Of course, you expect these toffs to pay for it all. But they don’t, apparently. You mean, Anna, some rich guys expect us to pay half? Outrageous! I imagine being out with Dr. Robert Atkins for dinner, he asks me to pay half? {He did not} Or Arnold, or Tom Selleck? What a joke! Of course they wouldn’t. And I suspect – if any of them does, he’s only PRETENDING to be rich & actually looking for what he can get out of a woman. Yes, I met some of those lowlifes – they’re out there.

The next question, which is the right path? To Bey or not to Bey? To turn yourself into the Goddess of beauty, charm & poise as is Anna, no matter what the cost? Or to follow the way of Guru Rasa, which says basically, stand alone like the rhinoceros, throw his Volkswagen out of the way with your horn, trot off & form a Sisterhood. Use your money for that – help other women toward independence.

After all, isn’t Anna’s way one of continued dependence on men? I saw the poor girl on an English TV show sweating in her Dior suit while a team interrogated her. The woman was nice but the man accused her of going backward from feminism to Gold Digger. Anna was nervous – who wouldn’t be? She was too gracious to vent on men & say the thieves stole it all from us & now we must bend the knee, which we do, & they are selfish, egotistical, vain pieces of scum. She handled herself diplomatically.

However, the question stands, do we do what we have to do to win millionaires or do we just accept our lot, whatever it is, & not bow to men? For one thing, if & when we snag the super rich, what do we do with all that money? It’s beyond security, this is LUXURY. Is all this necessary? What do we say at the end of this life when we can’t take it with us? What do we tell Peter at the Pearly Gates? “I got it all – I snagged a man with 50 mil, now what do I get?”

Although I am supportive & sympathetic to Anna, I will just explain my POV re her. I follow her teachings because I am curious what is the correct way of behavior according to elites – manners, deportment, dress, do’s & don’ts – all of that, for me, could be of use. I mean if & when I hob nob with these people I don’t want to come off as a Cretan, I want to blend in with class. {Say if I need to go to the rest room during a fancy dinner, how do I excuse myself? I am certainly not going to say I HAVE TO GO TO THE REST ROOM! Lol}

And if I was young, I might pay attention to snagging a winner rather than a loser – if I had a choice {some women don’t.} This is the short term – the here & now.

But my vocation or mission is toward the LONG TERM. I already accomplished my goals of youth – I succeeded on all fronts, had every type of success; material, physical & spiritual.

My work is to prepare women for the soon to distant future. Human men are going extinct, women have to prepare to take over the world. This is a big project; it takes a big Anointing & vision to explain. I am explaining it. For that, I must stay close to Mother God & hear her voice, see her Vison.

To that effect, whatever moneys I receive for my life story are going to the Sisterhood, where I hope to prepare young women not to snag rich men, but to become fully independent, confident & powerful within themselves. Don’t let men weaken you by thinking you need them – you need only God at your side. You need faith, hope, trust & confidence in God & realize She is inside you. God & you are One. Men are helpmates, but they cannot tell us what to do, how to think, how to act.

That is what I see as the purpose of my money. Unfortunately, most of the women who do get big money don’t spend it on that – they ratchet up their lifestyle & live for themselves, & world, not sisterhood & the future. And so, all that big money is wasted.

To Bey or not to Bey? That is the question up to you.

{End Chapter 12}

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Mom’s Death

Chapter 11 – My Mother Dies 54 yrs old March 9, 1979

Mom contracted lung cancer from smoking. She never got fat, like most women do at middle age, she forestalled that with coffee & cigarettes, I rarely saw her eat, but she always had a cigarette & coffee by her side.

I’ve spoke so much about how I prayed & offered atonement to God for her, that I’ll skip all that here & move on to something else. But what? I explained how she abused me, mostly in Part 3. Perhaps an overview is in order.

Mom & Dad were opposites in character. He was kind, gentle & non violent. He had a conscience; you could trust him with your life savings & your life. He was forgiving. He thought everything out, an intellectual, a book worm, nice, like Chips in ‘Good Bye, Mr. Chips.’

She was the opposite. Mean, aggressive, punching people with fists – NOT big people or villains, the little people who were gentle like Dad, or myself being a child. I recall one memory, I am 5, she has him on the floor on hands & knees, sitting on his back, punching him with her fists – he does not fight back.

He called her a ‘Tartar,’ which means like Genghis Kahn – Lithuanians thought of Tartars as barbarians. The other name was ‘Hitler,’ both of these he said in jest – but they were true. She even looked the part. She was not an intellectual or bookworm, but did join the ‘Book of the Month Club’ to master English – all of which I read, at 10-12 yrs old. The first book was Daphne DuMaurier’s ‘Rebecca,’ then ‘Gone With the Wind.’

What was she like? All business, survival, no conscience. She did what she had to do, I recall no love but looking back, understand the only person she ever loved was my brother Jim –

{This did not stop her from blaming him for one of her pregnancies, lol – he was about 13. Every time she got pregnant she called it a ‘stomach tumor.’ She was sitting grimly one day seeking someone to blame, & she looks at Jim, & says,

“It’s your fault,”

and he whines in a high voice, like the coward he was,

“No, no, not my fault.”

I don’t know how she found the kitchen table abortionists – but she did, & afterward, I think that’s when she ended up in the hospital to finish the job, as once you’re bleeding, I guess they have to take you in.

I do not recall any affection to anyone – not to my Dad, not to her new guy Marius, not to any of us kids. She just talked & talked, brainwashing the other guys against Dad when they broke up – {which didn’t work on me, she hardly tried.} One time she gave me a

‘Paper Mate’pen for Valentines – I looked at it, it had 2 hearts, I cried, as it seemed like love.

She never punished anyone for abuse of me – she approved it. One time Jim was beating me up for some spurious reason. She saw it from afar –jumped in to help him, without even knowing the reason for the attack.

She was not kind to animals – I never saw her do a good deed to animals or humans. Nothing happened except what she wanted, bottom line; survival. Animals didn’t matter except the cow to take care of, use for milk, butter & cheese. Marius took care of the cow, when she was pregnant he beat her with a chain, then an iron bar right on her belly. He tied her up once so she couldn’t move a foot all night. I went to the barn as she kept mooing in pain. I tried to untie the knots, but had trouble. Can’t recall the outcome, did I get the knots open? I know I gave her fruit to calm her down. But I was the only one in our family who CARED about the animals. They were ABUSED.

Mom had ‘Lape’ – our first dog, named after a ‘Fox,’ her house right in the middle of the sun. Lape dug a huge den under the house to get out of the sun, had her frequent litters that way. She was never fixed, most of the puppies were taken into the swamp by her & Jim & drowned. Jim was also her right hand to slaughter the chickens. Both of them had no feelings. The word ‘psychopath’ applies.

She had no charity for anyone. Except once, I saw her give a half loaf of great Russian bread to a bum at our door, on Delancey St, Newark. But our neighbors in Freehold,

old folks, needed a ride for groceries, she said no. I was ashamed to tell them.

Her last boyfriend {that I knew about} was Bill – a wonderful guy. She was getting kickbacks from a milkman. {Every Sunday all a milkman brings he brought to our house –milk, butter, cheese, & eggs.} She got him the contract for the school where she was now head Chef. It was his nephew Bill – He was the same age as Mom.

She was in love with him, she cried when I told him he kissed his other lady friend. She sent me with him as a spy when he went to see this lady. {It was just like Dr. Zhivago, where he sees the villain kissing the daughter through two glass doors – Russian style because of the cold they did not have too many outer windows, needed light – while the Mom lies on a bed where he had just pumped her stomach from an overdose. The Villain was getting it on with the daughter, the similarity is the glass doors he sees through – Bill was kissing this other lady like that, lol.}

I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Bill take me out bowling. He showed me how to hit a strike & I got 6 strikes in a row. I could do well when encouraged – it felt like love. He even bought me a sweater, unGodly expensive & beautiful. Can’t recall how this luck came my way.

We were now in a beautiful house in MiddletownNJ. I was staying away some nights, she used Bill to try & track me down. Why did she care? It was part of her argument that I was a careless, reckless delinquent – a child gone wild. But I was staying away from the house because the abuse had gotten more intense & there was nowhere to hide or run except into town – bars, clubs, going out with guys even though I didn’t have sex per se, only ‘made out’. In Freehold the woods were my sanctuary.

I was now also 15 to 16, the age when one wants to be independent & have a life of their own. This was not allowed me, I was in the middle of a trap, so the only way I knew to get out was just to go.

There was a handsome rich boy I spent many nights with, he had his own cottage. I’d go out, hang in bars drinking, get a ride to Gil’s {Gil Hoyle, his real name } house & spend the night, then somehow drag my way home. I went to school sporadically, eventually I got kicked out – will explain momentarily.

I was introduced to Gil by a mutual friend, Karen Skumee {not her real name}. One night, his parents were away, both of us spent the night with him in his mansion. Later he got an apt in SeabrightNJ, one of the monumental places of my youth. What larks Karen & I had there one summer! It was like going from Hell to Heaven.

The point about Mom here is she was following me around. She got the address of Gil’s house from Karen, apparently, had Bill take her there & asked him not to give me access. But he told her I’d knock on the door so hard & long – it would be 2-3 am, he had to let me in. And he always did – he told me how she showed up. {Just now I realize had he been of age she would have threatened him with arrest, but he was only 16! His parents had set him up with a surveyor’s job & his own cottage. Mom was good at controlling people with threats, it worked. Once an infatuated teacher from another school called me at home, she was on the extension & broke in threatening him because of my age. Then a boy from my waitress job showed up at our house. She got all the info from him where I worked & then threatened him with police I suppose, he left like a dog with tail between the legs.}

My thought to this & other incidents is why the fukk, if I was so bad, didn’t she just leave me to my fate? If I was a loser or delinquent, let me fall by my own foolishness & leave me in the gutter.

The truth is the opposite. Every time I got a job – to pay my own way, she did not support me. She gave me NOTHING for my welfare, not one dime. Yes, once I kow towed to her for months to get $20 out of her to bleach my hair blonde. It appears in my senior school pic – which she refused to buy. But I told the hairdresser how I had to suck up to Mommy Fearest to get the bread – this hairdresser also did a friend’s hair, & the friend of Mom’s told her – not more money to get it bleached again. {When you bleach you have to do the roots regularly.} So that was the end of my blonde ambition.

I got money for NOTHING & she tried to keep me BROKE by every time I got a job – she found out – she’d call up & get me fired. I was

underage & had to ‘stay home to take care of my school work.’ This was purely to disempower me.

Now take the facts – One, she’s spying on me. She even got Bill’s Uncle to call, say he saw ‘porno movies’ of me & Gil Hoyle – I was frightened & shocked & much later understood she put this guy up to it – only later I recognized his voice, Mom was in the next room listening. She got a thrill out of hurting me.

Spying on me – not giving me a dime & getting me fired from jobs. What does that add up to? Looking out for my welfare or trying to destroy my life? Let me channel,

ME: Mom, what does this add up to? What was your motive? What was your plan?

MF {Mommy Fearest}: My plan? My motive? The motive was HATE. My plan – to destroy you, demoralize you, take away your morale.

ME: What did you think you’d accomplish by going to Gil’s & saying he should not allow me in? – didn’t you have something better to do, like work or cook or have a pleasant evening with your boyfriend? Why do research & go to a remote place, begging guys not to let me stay over night? And why did Bill cooperate with you?

MF: With Gil, you received consolation, a shoulder, a helping hand. I wanted no one to help you. With the jobs, you got empowerment. It feels good to be paid; one gets a sense of self worth. And you’d have money for things you needed. I hated you so much it was worth it to do research, to persuade Bill’s Uncle to call you & terrorize you. I found out who helped you, I went there to forbid it, except he didn’t listen. Bill cooperated with me as I only hung out with men who would – they were always the nicest, sweetest, the most compliant. Men who were dominating & wouldn’t take crap from a woman – like Officer Jim Doud – steered clear of me. They knew I was a bitch from Hell.

ME: That reminds me. When you tried to destroy the reputation of Jim Doud, who helped you get off the charge of animal cruelty in court – did it make you happy? You told everyone he was a homosexual, which in

those days was taken more seriously than now. Did it give you a sadistic thrill to hurt people? And there was no basis for this charge; you knew it was a lie.

MF: I was a psychopath, we have no conscience. I had no empathy, compassion or love. I only cared for your brother, that was it. I had temporary crushes on men, like your Dad when I was 16, & Bill. But as you know I lost interest in your Dad & took up with other men, my love turned to indifference or hate when I had used a person up.

ME: But it seems the hate you had for me was so intense it knew no bounds. I know I have asked this before but it’s still hard to believe how a Mom could hate her child that much. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, how much did you hate me, & tell me again, why?

MF: 1 to 10? A 15. Why? Your good qualities, you loved Dad, you were sincere, you were obedient, you were lovely. Men wanted you. All those reasons.

ME: And Dad, 1 to 10, how strong was the hate? And why?

MF: An 8, less than you by half. He didn’t give me enough money, that was 99% of it, other than that, not much reasons.

ME: Why did he not defend me from you, take me to live with him when I was 10?

MF: He didn’t know how bad it was, to be honest. And then, he was out of his element taking care of a child. And third, he was selfish & didn’t want his life messed up, his changes of getting another woman maybe. That’s about it.

ME: They money part bothers me as well. He could have given more. And I could have asked him for money for necessities, but I could not even conceive of it. And when I finally went to live with him age 16, he was a miser with me. He saved the money he was giving you for the mortgage, but he did not spend much money on me – so he was actually ahead financially. OK, over & out, I will close this up now.

The End of Being with Mom

Here’s how I switched from being with Mom to go to Dad’s.

One day Karen Scumee & I decided to play hokey, which we’d done a few times before, but we needed money. So we called a cab, he stopped at the bank so I could take out the $40 I had there from working.

Karen & I chatted in the back seat while this demon was listening – he was a local yokel not minding his own business. Knowing we were playing hokey & it was illegal, he drove us right to the police station!

I shall never forget the shock & stress I felt! My Mom hated me & this would make another nail in the coffin. I was a delinquent!

So they called the school & Mom.

Looking back I understand God did this to get me out of that Hell-house & over to my Dad’s, from where I would meet my eventual destiny.

The school was nervous about me because I did play hokey from time to time but I think most of all, re Mr Doubt {not his real name} who I would chat with, in his classroom, almost every night after classes. Because I hung out with him for solace & advice, the rumor went out that I was having an affair with him. And they had had a scandal the year before when a 16 yr old girl took off with one of the teachers, & didn’t want that again. There was nothing going on with Mr. Doubt, I needed a friend, that was it.

Each time I broke the rules, a couple times, they called my Mom in, she’d dress up in a designer suit that our lady friend had bought her, high heels, & wore a ‘high hat,’ telling them how great she was, a poor little woman abandoned by her husband & raising children alone! And I was the bane of her life, running around, a delinquent, staying out ALL NIGHT & doing a lot of fukking! Lol. To be honest – I HAD NEVER HAD SEX until I went to Brooklyn! I mostly stayed out to stay away from her & also, have some fun to compensate for the stress of abuse. People need LOVE – you look for it wherever you can get it. It doesn’t have to be SEX – just talking or attention are forms of love.

I know this is what she said because when the counselor she talked to called me in, without a word of asking about my side {I didn’t know how to explain it anyway} accused me of all that she said & demanded to know THE NAMES OF THE GUYS I HAD FUCKED!

He spoke of my ‘poor Mother’ who had raised kids ALONE – & how he himself had been a bad boy but straightened himself out & became an upstanding citizen & how dare I give all this trouble to my mother & play

hokey & fuck guys?! I was so frustrated I couldn’t say a word, just started to cry, & he didn’t know what to do so he told me to leave, that was it.

I was EXPELLED, & so was my friend Karen Scumee, but years later she told me when the parents come in & plead for their child & promise they’ll be good, they are reinstated {she was}. But Mom had already told them I was the worst child there was {think of Jayne Eyre with her Aunt! – Being sent to ‘Lowood’} & the dye was cast – this no good child had to leave the house & finish school in B’klyn with her Dad.

So now I’m on the bus with my suitcase & someone flags down the bus in front of our house. Mom’s lady friend gets on & tells the driver to tell me to get off. The driver refuses, I paid my ticket. She goes to the back where I’m sitting & tells me to exit, plans have changed, but I refuse. What happened?

Years later I found out my Dad was paying the mortgage – like 1,600 a month {the mortgage is that high when your down payment is low. She blew it all on the most luxurious furniture – not for my room – anything but that. For herself & her lady friend, their room was twice the size of mine decorated in red velvet & fringe like a bordello, with Chanel #5 & Shalimar, plus dozens of other perfumes, on their dresser. My room was tiny with tan burlap curtains & a rag rug – shared with the half sister. Bro had a suite downstairs with his own bath.} – I had no idea as Mom always said Dad gave nothing. And when I was on my way, he told her since he was taking care of me, he would no longer pay the mortgage. That was too much to bear; I had to be prevented from leaving, lol. But God saw it differently.

But even after I left & went to school in B’klyn, the arm of my Mom reached out to me & did her last act of malice. Of course, I asked for it by calling her & bragging what great things I had done. When school was over, the junior year, I went to Seabright, got myself a job at a swank place – the Hofbrau House – got a loan from a friend of $50 {had to wrestle him for it} & put it on a tiny apt where Gil Hoyle used to live. It was shitty but all she had, good enough.

Now I call my mother to let her know how well I’m doing – look what I accomplished! I still thought in my innocent mind, that if I did well enough, she would finally love me – appreciate me. I had no idea of her true nature or that she wanted to destroy me – I thought if I did well enough, she’d appreciate me & stop being hateful. It was MY FAULT she hated me. Why else would I call her?

And so, I make one of the biggest mistakes of my life, call & brag to Mom. She seduces me like a snake. She misses me, wants to see me. She’ll come over, show her what I’ve done, then she’ll bring me home for the night.

So she drives to Seabright from Middletown – I show her my apt, the place I work, she takes me to her house, I sleep.

Next day phone rings, I’m the only one in the house. It’s Karen, who lives & works also in Seabright, at the same place. She screams,

“I’m going to kill your Mother!”

She went to work, Mom had called the boss at the Hofbrau House that she has 2 underage girls working there, which is supposedly illegal as they serve drinks. So that was the end of the job. But Karen convinced them only I was underage, she’s OK & they believe her.

I then call my apt. Mom called & told her I can’t live there, I’m underage – no permission from her. The lady tells her but I put a deposit,

& Mom says,

“You can keep it for all the trouble she caused you.”

That killed my dreams for the summer.

I did not think of any way out re the job or the apt – I could have said I have Dad’s permission, I don’t live with Mom, but didn’t think of it then. And I could have said to both these people that wasn’t my Mom that called, a crazy lady who hates me. But I was so stricken & inexperienced I never thought of that, just fell into suffering & pain.

It wasn’t long after that I left Dad, took off with Marilyn Monroe’s photographer who promised to get me into Playboy, with him to California, Hollywood, to meet my destiny.

You see, God works mysteriously. Had I been a success there that summer, I might not have hung around the city meeting all the people I had to meet, who connected me with photographers, editors, which finally led to this photographer. It was God’s plan being implemented the whole time.

I heard about Mom’s forthcoming death while working in Providence, Rhode Island in January “79.

Two days after her death – March 11 – I was filming ‘Real People’ with heavy thoughts on my mind.

March 12, 1979 was her funeral. I got there slightly late, {no, I will not be late for my own funeral!} after they closed the casket. She had asked the casket to be closed from the beginning, but no one listened. Since I was the only one late, I was the only one that obeyed her, not to see her dead in the coffin. Obedient to the end. {End Chapter 11}

College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Matriarchy & its Issues

Antagonism Against Matriarchy – Also re Why War is Wrong, It’s Only for Making Money! – & Also re Anti-Feminists, Anti Female

Empowerment Fake Women

We start with William Bond: Hi Everyone

From what I have read South East Asia is the last place on the planet where we had matriarchies. India was one a matriarchal country but was invaded by the Muslims. Southern India held out until India was taken over by the British who undermined matriarchal rule in India. Indonesia was also matriarchy but Muslim Arab traders began promote the Islamic religion in Indonesia and turned most of Indonesia into a patriarchal country.

Japan and Taiwan were also matriarchal, but both countries were invaded by patriarchal Chinese settlers or immigrants who took over both of these countries. The original inhabitants of Japan and Taiwan were very tall people and some have survived in Taiwan and in Northern Japan. The Philippines were again matriarchal but were conquered by the Spanish. Magellan the first European to sail to the Philippines was killed by a tribe, whom the Spanish claimed were giants.

Indo-China is also reported to have been matriarchal but was changed to patriarchy by influence from China which repetitively failed to conquer the Indo-Chinese countries.

The last Matriarchal hold-outs still exist in South-East Asia. Like The Mosuo of China, The Khasi and The Garo people of North East India, The Kerala state of Southern India. The Minangkabau of Sumatra in Indonesia, The Ryukyu islands of Japan and The The Nagovisi tribe of South Bougainville island of New Guinea William

Hi Pete

I have wondered why the whole concept of Matriarchy has been suppressed for a long time. I saw this in the book “The First Sex” by Elizabeth Gould Davis back in the 1970s. Feminists criticized the book because she dare mention matriarchy. Then later Marija Gimbutas was heavily criticized for the same reason.

I think the reason why Matriarchy is criticized and suppressed is because patriarchy fears it. It should be obvious that men do a terrible job in ruling our world, but they get away with it, because as they will tell you, there is no alternative. But there is and that is Matriarchy.

Patriarchy used to fear feminism but have now found ways to manage it. They tell female politicians they have to act and behave like men if they want power and female politicians go along with this. So this can be used as an argument against Matriarchy as patriarchy can say, “women are just as bad as men”.

Women are told the lie that love and compassionate are a weakness. But that is not true, because the people desperately want to be ruled by compassionate and caring rulers. Which will never happen under patriarchal rule. Only nurturing women can provide this type of leadership. So if the people are given the choice of a loving Matriarchal government or a uncaring and corrupt patriarchal government they will always choose Matriarchy. So patriarchy has to make sure the people are never given that choice. William

Rasa says: To even DISCUSS Matriarchy makes people think about it. Patriarchs don’t want anyone to even THINK ABOUT IT. If people thought about it many of them would wonder if it’s a good alternative, many would want to see it tried. So remove the subject from the table is what they want to do – Matriarchy never existed, they want us to believe, it does not exist & it cannot be.

They are SCARED TO DEATH of women. Rasa

Pete Jackson: Indeed, that is very true, Rasa and William. Them denying the existence of Matriarchy also functions as a form of gaslighting as well, to deliberately mess with Women’s heads. Worse, sometimes they even deny that patriarchy ever existed either, even worse gaslighting.

From Rasa: Thanks Pete. What does Gaslighting mean? Like Charles Boyer in ‘Gaslight’ making Ingrid Bergman think she’s crazy?

I think I’ll name one of my Matriarchal books ‘What Men are Afraid of”

Men are afraid of women getting together for sisterhood

Men are afraid of women’s INDEPENDANCE

Men are afraid of women thinking logically for themselves – not listening to them or obeying their precepts

Men are afraid of women LEAVING them

Men are afraid of women’s FAITH, CONFIDENCE, VIRTUES, believing in their own God their own way rather than being told who & what God is, what God wants, how to believe, how to behave

Men are afraid of women having meetings, talking to each other, getting together: Sisterhood. In sisterhood there is power.

So all of the above is discouraged in Patriarchy.

What they want is:

Women’s obedience

Women’s FEAR of them

Women’s confusion as to history & facts

Women not to know or understand their real agenda, how evil it is

Women to be weak, passive & not fight back

Women to surrender the mgmt of their children to them although they do not have the best interests of kids at heart

Women to serve them like Steppford wives / slaves

Women to be loyal & faithful like a dog

Women to adore, admire them, & build them up

Women to do what they the men want, not to interfere, just stand out of the way & do background work

Women to keep SILENT re issues such as Patriarchy, Matriarchy, why it is – the gender war – the history of it or anything of it

Pete: I’d like you to explain re war. I know it is to MAKE MONEY in general. In the ancient days it was easy to explain. They attacked other peoples to get everything they had, their land, their resources, animals, women – anything of value. Then they turned the inhabitants into work slaves & breeding slaves.

But the way Gen. Smedley explains it, it’s like corporations making money every time we make war with someone.

Could you give us more insights on that? To the average person – like myself – who knows little of politics, how does this corporations making money in war work? I know vaguely but would like to get your insights. For instance, I know, say one company produces airplanes, they make money. The chemical companies produced Agent Orange, they sprayed the jungles of Vietnam, giving everyone cancer, they made money. All that is purchased to run an army, the producers make money.

Do you have some better, more insightful & precise way of explaining it? Rasa

From Pete Jackson:

Gaslighting in today’s lingo is indeed derived from the film of the same name. Broadly defined, it is when someone makes someone else question or doubt their own reality, make someone think they are going crazy, or otherwise invalidate their experience.

As for war, what Maj. Gen Smedley Butler said was bang on the money, and not much has really changed since he wrote that in 1935. At least not changed for the better. Since then, the cancer of the mercenary-industrial complex (what I like to call the military-industrial complex) has only metastasized many times larger since then, failing to heed President Eisenhower’s famous warning as he was leaving office. It has become even more big business, as so much of the military’s functions have been outsourced to private defense contractors (i.e. mercenaries) like KBR, Halliburton, Blackwater, Dyncorp/CSC, Raytheon, etc. And that’s to say nothing of the weapons manufacturers who quite literally make a KILLING on all of this.

And yet, it still hasn’t unambiguously won a single hot war since WWII, except for Grenada. Korea was a stalemate, Vietnam was a loss in the end, Afghanistan was a loss in the end, and Iraq, including the first Gulf War, had ambiguous results at best. All wars since WWII except Grenada were thus varying degrees of stalemate, loss, or temporary Pyrrhic victory at best. And the Cold War, which we won, was of course by definition not a hot war (though it clearly gave rise to several hot proxy wars all the same).

Lots of corporations directly and indirectly make money from this war racket. Best of luck, Pete

Rasa: Excellent rendition. Thanks Pete

William Bond says: I think the idea that men have no interest in older women is a myth. Yes, there are many men who prefer younger women and that seems to be acceptable. But for some reason it is unacceptable for men to desire older women even though many men have these desires. William

Rasa says: We went through this William many times. The Patriarchy doesn’t want young men to be INFLUENCED by older or experienced, authoritative {to some degree} women. They want to put OLD WOMEN OUT TO PASTURE, not give them any platform to influence the youth, as then, it will be their agenda, not men’s. Old women do not want to send young men into war to kill & be killed, for example.

From Ajax the Great:

Viva La….Counterrevolution? Why “Reactionary Feminism” Is An Anachronistic Oxymoron That Will NOT Help Women

Some on the interwebs are recently claiming that a “sexual counterrevolution” is afoot, one that is ostensibly led by Women on both sides of the Atlantic (USA and UK) who are fed up with the sexual revolution as it were. From Mary Harrington (who apparently coined the term, as well as the term “reactionary feminism” with which she herself identifies) to Louise Perry to Christine Emba to Katherine Dee to Evie Magazine to a few others, including some men as well, there does appear to be a trend back towards sex-negativity, or at least against the perceived excesses of sexual liberation.

The sexual revolution, like the industrial revolution, was a mixed bag overall. Contrary to what some believe, it was neither an unalloyed good nor an unmitigated evil. But overall, it was on balance a good thing I think. Yes, even for Women too. If anything, it is still unfinished to this day. It is not a simple case of “men won and Women lost”, just like the industrial revolution was not merely a simple case of “bourgeoisie (capitalist class) won and proletariat (working class) lost”. Sexual liberation does NOT need to be a zero-sum game at all. Only the male-defined sexuality of patriarchy is truly a zero-sum game, which has existed long before the sexual revolution. Female-defined sexuality is not.

Rasa says: I am asking Mother God to help me with this, as I am somewhat out of my depth, but I rely on Mother God’s help to understand it all. And so, Mother God, why are these women against the ‘sexual revolution?’ I think this revolution happened with women rising up, gaining some empowerment. So why are these women against it?

Mother God: These women are SABOTEURS or traitors to the cause, the way during Hitler’s time, traitor Jews turned in other Jews. They hope to gain some applause & benefits from patriarchs for turning against other women, propping up Patriarchy. They don’t care about human beings & their plight, they only care about themselves & their immediate life, & making some sort of fanfare for themselves – gaining approval & notoriety from the systems that is in power.

Ajax continues: As for the idea that there should be some sort of counterrevolution, as author Louise Perry advocates in The Case Against The Sexual Revolution, well, some good rebuttals from many different angles can be found here, here, and here. Even Christine Emba’s new book, Rethinking Sex: A Provocation (the thesis of which is neither new nor particularly provocative) can be criticized here, here, and here as well. These rebuttals for both, all written by Women, are far, far better than anything I could ever write. And while these two authors occasionally make some decent points here and there, they are both quite heavy on problems and light on solutions. Emba’s solutions are far too vague and anodyne, while Perry’s are far too retro (if not extremely non-starters as well), to even be considered solutions.

But truly the only real solution is the one that these authors don’t seem to consider: MATRIARCHY. It’s like they are afraid to even utter the word, or something. Not surprising, of course, given how utterly infantilizing and agency-denying some of their arguments are to Women in general.

It is true what they say that mere consent should be the floor, not the ceiling, of sexual ethics. No argument from me there. Even most sex-positive feminists would agree as well. What Emba in particular calls “radical empathy” is also crucial, as well as respect, honesty, and basic human decency/dignity, of course. But beyond that, their arguments really start to coast into confusion if not utter incoherence overall. And the relatively short shrift they give to non-heterosexual folks (both Women and men), who they barely even acknowledge at all, also does the reader a serious disservice as well.

Rasa with Mother God says: Yes, it’s a Patriarchal thing to beat up on people for sex, for their sexual choice if it’s different, for their sexual behavior between consenting adults. So they are simply betraying the empowerment of women & endorsing Patriarchy.

But back to Mary Harrington. Her brand of “reactionary feminism” takes it a step further and apparently wants to roll back not only the sexual revolution, but also the industrial revolution as well, and possibly even the Enlightenment too. The 1950s is apparently not traditional enough for her, as she quite literally seems to prefer….the 1450s. (Riddle me this: If that time period was so great, then why all the peasant revolts, in which revolutionary Women, eventually persecuted as “witches”, played an outsized role?) She is really quite the anti-modernist, it seems, and the title of her upcoming book, Feminism Against Progress, kinda says it all. She comes dangerously close to sounding just like the Neoreactionary movement at times. Oh, and she also denies that patriarchy ever even existed either. Thus, her vague “solutions” would essentially preclude the only real solution of Matriarchy as well. And yet she calls herself a feminist, go figure!

Rasa with Mother God says: This woman is gaslighting {you taught me this term Ajax!} She doesn’t MAKE SENSE so she is in sync with Patriarchs, who also don’t ‘make sense’ unless you know they are trying to enslave women.

Ajax continues: (To be fair, Harrington is not the first person to ever criticize the notion of “progress” either. Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex at Dawn, also wrote a sort-of sequel, Civilized to Death: The Price of Progress, in which he also criticizes the unquestioned notion of progress, albeit from a different and clearly sex-positive angle, and with VERY different solutions compared to the reactionaries. I triple-dog dare Harrington to debate him, lol. But much like Lynn Saxon, author of an unconvincing rebuttal titled Sex at Dusk, she would probably just resort to cad-shaming and other ad hominem attacks.)

Rasa with Mother God says: We, the ‘Three Musketeers of Matriarchy’ – know & agree that the sex issue is CRUCIAL to female empowerment & Matriarchy. When women gain sexual freedom, they gain everything, because 99% or so of the male domination principle is to control women’s sexual behavior. Once that is freed up, game over for men. So of course these evil women would rant on the issue of sex, going backward instead of forward. This would hurt the cause of women & humanity; it would be against God, as God wants female empowerment & Matriarchy. Why would She be rendering human males EXTINCT?

Ajax continues: Oh, and finally, one of her most ridiculous articles ever is literally titled, “Middle Aged Women Don’t Want Sex”, and presumably that applies to Crones as well. Somehow that sounds a bit like projection perhaps? And besides, the legendary Guru Rasa Von Werder has clearly and famously debunked this utterly specious notion to be not only inaccurate, but almost a full 180 degrees wrong as well.

Rasa with Mother God says: All women want sex, young & old. It’s time to recognize that old women appreciate sex as much as anyone else does & they should have the right to use their bodies for pleasure. That is an important principle.

Ajax continues: Thus, so-called reactionary feminism occupies that awkward space between where extreme sex-negative radical feminism and extreme sex-negative anti-feminism meet per Horseshoe Theory. Much like how the far left and far right become dangerously close to each other as well. It is essentially the worst of both extreme worlds, and its pied pipers should really be avoided like the plague and not discussed further. Except insofar as sunlight is the best disinfectant, of course.

UPDATE: Oh, and about those revolutionary Women of the 15th century, eventually persecuted as “witches”, did you know that many of them believed in and practiced communal living and even (gasp) free love? You know, the same things that are absolutely anathema to those self-proclaimed “reactionary feminists” discussed above? According to the actual feminist Sylvia Federici, they apparently did. So far from being the granddaughters of the “witches” they couldn’t burn, today’s reactionaries are more like the granddaughters, or at least ideological descendants, of the sellout Women who collaborated with the witch-hunters and threw their sisters under the bus. That is true not just for these reactionaries, but also for all slut-shamers, SWERFs, forced-birthers, victim-blamers, and rape apologists as well–all of which being just a very short walk away from one another.

Rasa with Mother God says: Sexual liberty for women is crucial. We need to work on this issue strongly – we are. But hope to leave behind a legacy where the sisters & good brothers behind us, continue to work on it.

More from Ajax the Great, after I said a couple remarks:

Thank you, Rasa. Very well-said overall. These “reactionary feminist” women that I referred to, are not even really academics or pundits, they are one-trick-pony ideological hacks at best. They are actually worse than the academics IMHO. And they are clearly NOT of God, no matter how much they may pretend to be. They are probably the most dangerous one of all, as their agenda (if it gains traction) would literally set Women back decades if not centuries, and sabotage any hope of Matriarchy occurring in the near future.

Rasa with Mother God says: They are dangerous if anyone believes their agenda & lies – but fortunately intelligent people will know they are nuts. We have made some progress & going backward, saying it’s right to go backward, is not going to fool too many people these days.

Ajax continues: To be fair, I am willing to give one of them, Christine Emba, the benefit of the doubt as merely being a bit confused about things given her background, and her heart may very well be in the right place overall even if she ends up being incorrect in many ways. I may not agree with a lot of what she says, of course, but she does not seem to be cut from quite the same cloth as the rest of the ones I mentioned, and she is otherwise at least somewhat progressive. As for the rest of them? They can all go take a long walk off a short pier.

Mary Harrington is the worst, and Louise Perry is almost as bad. Anti-feminist wolves in sheep’s clothing, basically. Snakes in the grass, the lot of them. They are worse than even the demonic Phyllis Schlafly, since with the latter at least you knew where you stood with her.

And Lynn Saxon? While I don’t know much about her, years ago she was the one whose only two books she ever wrote were to “debunk” and cast aspersions on Christopher Ryan’s “Sex at Dawn”, and later to cast bonobos and bonobo research in a bad light in “The Naked Bonobo”. She is apparently nothing but a professional troll with an axe to grind against anything even remotely resembling sexual liberation, though I am not sure about how she identifies politically. She literally wrote nothing else, ever. That really says something. Reminds me of Derek Freeman making it his life’s mission to discredit Margaret Mead’s “Coming of Age in Samoa”, also (not coincidentally) about indigenous sexual freedom.

Rasa with Mother God says: Anyone with two brain cells will not take her seriously, given she only wrote those kind of books, lol.

Rasa continues: This article speaks of things I know little about. I don’t know these women & have not read their books. But I know these TYPES of women & don’t want to WASTE MY TIME & ENERGY studying them, because they are saying such NEGATIVES – I just want to stay away from them cluttering my mind. However, since you read them & DEBUNKED them I’m very grateful & I’ll try as best I can, to interject my remarks within your great insights, then I will post it on my site & later a Matriarchal book.

I do have a copy of Sex at Dawn, agree with it totally, think it’s a really important book affirming our position. That I do know. In fact, Dr. Dale Glaebach years ago called me on the phone to tell me about this book, how great it was, urged me to read it, so that’s why I’m aware of it. It confirms & affirms our position on sexuality, bonobos, & all of that.

College of God & Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Rhode Island & Binghamton

Chapter 10 West Warwick, Rhode Island, Jan. 8, 1979 UPI & Binghamton, NY Jan 29, 1979

Written 7-31-22

First a reporter from UPI called me. This was unusual as I usually called them. We hit numerous papers coast to coast including front pages. I got people sending me copies from places like Guam.

The young reporter took his own image & I wish I had worn a brighter costume, it was black with a big white flower in my hair & I held a fan, so it was like a flamenco dancer.

The townspeople are usually curious about the star that appears in a local venue. This was right in town, they {I passed a barber shop on the way} saw me walk to the nearby Church across the street, where I attended daily Mass & stayed for prayers which took 45 minutes – my usual routine, I had a hardbound book called ‘Enchiridion of Indulgences.’

The fact that I had this habit put me in good stead with the locals; they looked at me like a saint. A man who worked in the theater – was he a janitor? – prayed about me. He asked God to tell him if I was legit. That night he was awakened by a lady standing next to his bed who told him I was. He explained this to the press. His vision was portrayed in the article

“He said he saw an Angel.”

I minded my own business, did my work & prayed.

Prayers became more fervent when I was told Mom had lung cancer & was given 6 months to live. I pled God,

“Don’t let her go to Hell, I’ll pay for her sins.

I have enumerated her sins against me & others in other volumes. This begs the question, why don’t I just forget the bad stuff, concentrate on the good?

The answer is, it’s an integral part of my life. You cannot know just the good that happened to a person & leave it there, you must know both sides.

The bad as well as the good determine one’s character & virtues. If you react to bad with hate, revenge & bitterness, you’ve failed the test. If you react with forgiveness & love, you’ve won.

Had I reacted badly to the cruelty people put on me my life would be a failure, & I’d have to live again to purify my soul. But I don’t intend to live again. I came here in the first place to help humanity, & if I fell down now, it would not befit an avatar.

I lived the week in West Warwick in a place of bliss – which is how I usually feel when I do my business & don’t get involved with people. The highlight was when a man took me to a petting zoo, I got to pet goats. He said,

“So that’s what brings you to life.”

The owner of the theater saw me silent except when the press was there, & funny, he also said,

“So that’s when you come to life.”

Apparently, I’m not like other women they knew. What were other women like? The ones I met incessantly talked about their ex husbands or boyfriends, life revolved around men {how bad they were of course}. In fact, now that I’d been celibate for 6 months I tried not to think about them at all.

Jan 29, 1979, Binghamton NY

This was, without a doubt, one of he most wretched jobs I’d ever had to contrast with the previous one; from Heaven to Hell. Everything was bad.

The owner was a mean, angry, cranky crook – Pat Lebous. His relative was the Chief of Police, the name is big in this area, but Pat was no biggie. I negotiated myself so as usual, without an agent, you haven’t got a chance. I asked for $5 at the door but he insisted, again & again, the local people wouldn’t pay it. I think I got a flat rate for 1.5k a week for 2 weeks when it should have been at least 3k. I had hit the international news over & over, the place was packed.

Then when I got there he charged $7 at the door because of MY publicity. I called the press – not he. I called the local TV show & got on it – not he. He gave me no press conference, nothing. The business was my doing, but he got the money. And how did he cheat the other performers? There was a black MC & a black co-star. The co-star he paid – I kid you not – $150 a week. When she told me – I don’t know what he paid the MC – I gave them each $100 from my money. The poor female was trying to live off tips & private shows.

There was no food. I mean we were stranded in the middle of a rural area & to take a cab, as usual, in these type places, by the time you took taxis back & forth to eat – you’d spend a fortune & even I could not afford it. {Mind you, I only averaged 10 jobs a year when I was lucky!} The poor MC told me he was starving. I took a cab to a grocery store & I bought us some things like sardines & boxes of dry cereals. That’s what we lived off.

His manager did take me one time to drum up business – I took flyers to many places including the Police Dept where his cousin was Chief. The Chief came & brought his wife & others – I think he appreciated me, they seemed happy during the visit. And they told me he’d not talked to his cousin Pat for years – this broke the ice & they made up.

With the business standing room only I felt it was time to re-negotiate. In the office {where I dressed btw} I told Pat that I was not staying the second week because he’d cheated me. He went crazy, began to shout & throw furniture around!

Frightened, I ran out, went to my motel across the street. The next morning I called the police & asked them to have someone go with me back to the place to get my costumes & stuff. They were reluctant, but I begged, & finally, one nice highway officer came, & I got my stuff, with Pat Lebous acting meek & mild.

Then he sent his wife to my room – she had to be a saint because anyone who put up with this man was. She pleaded over & over he’d never bother me again – wouldn’t come near me, she’d even be there herself every night, even though she was weak from a recent operation. It was all about money – they did not want to lose the big bucks I generated. Nothing was spoken of about paying me more. I felt sorry for the lady & because of her I worked the second week, & true to her word, he didn’t come near me & she was there each night.

The Nuns

The second week I decided to visit these nuns, who were friends of my then best friend, Dr. Ewert Cousins from Fordham & Columbia Universities. He said when I preached in Binghamton, pay them a visit. {I never told him I was a stripper, only a preacher, & when he found out after 5 years, our relationship ended. His voice shook when he asked me if I was a stripper, I knew we were doomed so I never called again.} During our friendship we had lunch a few times & spoke every Sunday for a long prayer session – even when I was in Hawaii for 3 months in 1984, I’d call him on a pay phone that took plenty clangy change! I mean $20 worth!

Well, I went to see these nuns & they were gracious, sister Mack {not her real name} had taken her Dad’s name for her investiture. Unfortunately, I had no wheels & asked a dancer to take me – she also dragged another dancer along who looked like a hooker, with red opera hose & a slinky dress. I didn’t want them to break my secret, so I said cool it!

We chatted with the nuns over an hour, it was great.

What was not great is ten years later, this area – where I said out loud I would NEVER live – I ended up moving not 10 miles from the nuns! I had forgot them & people told me there were nuns nearby who made their own wine.

I then contacted them & visited, but I was snubbed. Alas, they had found out I was a stripper, & although they loved me initially, wanted nothing to do with me. So much for charity & God’s love.

I had even applied, when I met them, to join their order – & they turned me down!

God comforted me saying I would not have been happy as a nun. Yes, I understand now, being a nun is not for me, I had other fish to fry. I could maintain my religious life by myself, as quasi hermit, I could be celibate by myself, I needed to become a Cougar later in life. None of this would have happened had I been a nun. No, I was totally different from other women, a life like mine had never been lived & I had to live it no matter how eccentric I seemed. {End Chapter 10}

College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Mugging & Arrest

Chapter 9 Get Arrested, Cleveland, Ohio… Nov 6, 1978

written 7-29-22

It was a little theater – No more than 200 people, whereas some places in Canada held 2,000 {like the Metro Theater in Toronto.} A few memories.

One, I spoke before each show about God. One black dancer was so impressed with my speech she decided to do likewise, & gave a little talk about how her back hurt! Lol. She wanted me to like her & showed me a series of images of herself as a ‘gangster.’ I thought they were whimsical.

Another strong memory is a black man, tall, handsome & well built, saw me outside. People were milling about. He pulled out a hand written letter I had sent him while he was in prison! It must have been 5 pages long! I had no memory of it, but indeed, I know I did answer many prisoners, feeling sorry for them. I was grateful to myself for caring – it made a huge impression on him.

We had a wonderful lady – black – her name was Brandy. She was the finest helper I’d ever had in any venue. One thing, she made a press conference with drinks & food. It was a huge success.

She also went with me to a TV show – can’t recall if I arranged it or she. One of the guests was that boxing entrepreneur Don King. He said,

“Hello Brandy!”

to her & she was amazed, as they had never met! I was so happy for her to get recognition as the owner of the theater was a crud – he had a problem, they told me, with fat women. He kept hiring them to dance, lol.

The host of the TV show thought I was a fake, especially when I told him I donated to the Church for Souls in Purgatory. He said he’d sent 2 reps from his show to go with me when I made the donation, & if I did, he’d report it on his next day’s news. What an idiot. OK, but he did not tell them how much. I gave 1k for Masses.

The Mugging

I almost lost that money the day before. I carried it in my purse because I was afraid to leave it in the hotel – they had no safe. I usually took my purse onto the stage, as it was not safe in the dressing room, naturally, not where the audience could see it but I could. So I was walking from my hotel to the club when right in front of the club a short black man is walking next to me & we both look at the signs & pictures outside.

Before I tell you the next move, let me explain.

No dancer had ever hit all 3 news in Cleveland. I hit two of them – but there was one that was serious news & didn’t touch anything they considered ‘fluff’ – so they did not interview me.

So I prayed fervently that God, no matter what it takes, let them interview me.

OK so myself & this young black guy are standing on the street, & I have my purse on a long strap hanging off my shoulder. Suddenly he grabs my purse so hard that down I go, & I jump back up & chase him.

At the same time a pickup truck is going by with a middle aged man, & he gives chase.

Just as he nears the guy a cop car comes from the opposite direction, & they both have the culprit nailed against a tall chain link fence – game over.

They take him in, lock him up, my money is saved. I recall praying hard as he ran off with it,

“God don’t let him get the money for the Souls!”

The next morning I finally awake for my show. As I

pick up the phone the operator breathlessly says,

“Kellie, there’s the channel X news waiting for you downstairs but I told them I could not awaken you as you had a ‘do not disturb’ order.”

Wow! God had answered my prayer! It had to be this way because this was ‘hard news’ – a mugging of the star of the theater. So they came.

But at the same time, God arranged it so the money for the Souls was not lost.

Here’s how salvation came.

I spoke to the pickup truck driver.

He said,

“When I saw that guy grab your purse & you went down, I thought of my daughters. That’s why I couldn’t let him get away with it, & just as I had him against the wall – a cop car came from the opposite direction.”

I thanked him again & again, felt we were friends.

At the police station, they told me about the guy. He was young & had just got out of jail; in his ‘defense’ he said he grabbed my purse because ‘she was just a whore.’ In other words, in our society its open season on women in the adult trade – you can rob’m, hurt’m, kill’m – it’s OK because they deal with sex. It happened to a sister in NYC, Johnny Pons girl friend, Lily Marlene. Yes, she was selling her time.

She was in a car with a young Jewish guy & he stabbed her like 19 times, around her middle. When she danced – & she was a star – you could see terrible scars.

He got away with it because his rabbi & others came to his defense & said he was a ‘good Jewish boy’ & she was ‘just a whore.’

She became an alcoholic – Johnny Pons asked me to look after her & I did take her out one night – Holy Cow, she drank about $75 worth {I was just surviving money wise, I worked one week a month at the most – not because I didn’t want to but there weren’t enough venues}, he should have subsidized me. Her identity as a human had been stripped away, soon after she killed herself.

The Arrest

It was the first time I’d ever been arrested & I was scared. Yes, got on the news again, lol. What for? Nudity.

There was a black adult trade worker being booked at the table next to me. I pitied her & said,

“They always pick on the poorest people.”

She looked at me & said,

“I ain’t poor.”

The officer understood I was on her side, he said,

“She’s trying to help you,”

And the female said something like she didn’t ‘need no help’ or whatever – I guess she was trying to keep her dignity.

The case went before the judge in my absence – it was dismissed. It was just publicity for the authorities as someone was running for office. The same thing happened in Toronto – there was an election going on & they wanted publicity. It’s Patriarchy. It’s like them saying, ‘We keep the town clean.’

Did you see ‘Elmer Gantry’? This creep went through all the ‘houses’ having members arrested, with press & cops in tow. When he got to one where there was a female he’d been fukking he got snagged. She framed him, had someone take pictures of her in his lap later on – he got on the front page. Elmer Gantry is a deplorable movie which took the great faith healer Aimee Semple McPherson, turned her life around, took this lowlife guy she was involved with{she had t pay off a female for big bucks} – turned him into the star & made her look like a fool: Patriarchy. Whatever we do, we’re the bad guys, they’re the good guys, we can never win, they succeed no matter what they do & we better keep our mouths shut.

{End Chapter 9}

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