Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Chap 13 Meaning of my Life

Chapter 13 Meaning of my Life – How to Understand it

7-4-21

It is the OPPOSITE of what many people assumed: “You gotta’ have a gimmick” from the story of Gypsy Rose Lee. I was accused of this countless times by people who looked no deeper. Everything a sound byte, a quick analysis, they think they’re so smart saying that.

People like me are sent by God. To understand my life you have to see if from the perspective of God – How does God work to bring her truth, her Monarchy to earth?

You cannot understand it by comparing it to Gypsy Rose Lee, Marilyn Monroe, or any film star. Yes, as a dancer I was a success, but compared to real film stars, I would be a failure. But that’s not who I was. My purpose was to fulfill a mission for God.

Several questions arise. What has been my mission? How was it fulfilled? {We’ll come to that.}

Spiritual Liberation – Evan Roberts

Understand another truth, that when people are sent by God it’s rarely a one-man, one-woman show. I learned that from studying lives of the saints. Take the example of Evan Roberts, who is credited with starting the Welsh Revival. He was summoned & appeared from the prayers of more than one person. A man had been praying for years that a religious guy would appear from the rank & file – a common man – & touch the hearts of others for revival. Evan himself prayed for a mission, an anointing, since his early years. There were others calling upon God for such a revival, & it came to pass, & it was miraculous.

Wikipedia: Evan John Roberts (8 June 1878 – 29 January 1951), was an evangelist and leading figure of the 1904–1905 Welsh Revival^[1]

His obituary in The Western Mail summed up his career thus:

“He was a man who had experienced strange things. In his youth, he had seemed to hold the nation in the palms of his hands. He endured strains and underwent great changes of opinion and outlook, but his religious convictions remained firm to the end.”

People are summoned by the prayers, suffering & desires of people. They call out to God & what does God do? She sends out Prophets, Avatars & Saints, powerful people who have ability for those who need help. Each person sent is obviously suitable to answer the prayers, the need at that time. When such a person is sent, it’s to bring about some sort of change, to save people from something. It could be from the slavery of sin, & it might be from the slavery of one type of people oppressing another.

Liberator Moses

Look at the life/ministry of Moses. He was sent to rescue the Jews from the Egyptian oppression – they must have been crying out hard to God. He had an unusual beginning, being put upon the waters in a cradle/boat as an infant, he floated down to where the Egyptian Princess, Pharaohs daughter was bathing, & she took him as her own, raised him in the Palace as an Egyptian. Eventually Moses fled Egypt because he killed an Egyptian & the penalty for that would be death – he fled to Midian.

Because Moses had his ‘foot in the door,’ eventually he was able to go back to Pharaoh & receive an audience with him – as he had been part of the Pharaoh’s household. One imagines an ordinary Hebrew would not have been given an audience.

The story of Moses & the Israelites is known to most people like the palm of their hand. My point is that he was summoned by his people to get them out of the oppression they were in, & he did so. His life was planned by God, he lived it, he obeyed his God & did what he had to do.

It is besides the point that I don’t approve of the Old Testament religion, it’s a Patriarchal based on war, exploitation & misogyny, filled with violence & abuse. But they believed they & their religion were righteous & they needed deliverance from the Egyptians & their ‘false’ religion, so they prayed for help, & all or most prayers are eventually answered.

Harriet Tubman—American Moses

The American ‘Moses’ was a black woman named Harriet Tubman. Although she transported only 70 of the 100,000 slaves who escaped through the Underground Railroad, she became famous. Wikipedia:

The Underground Railroad was a network of secret routes and safe houses established in the United States during the early to mid-19th century. It was used by enslaved African Americans primarily to escape into free states and Canada.^[1] The scheme was assisted by abolitionists and others sympathetic to the cause of the escapees.^[2] The enslaved who risked escape and those who aided them are also collectively referred to as the “Underground Railroad”.^[3] Various other routes led to Mexico,^[4] where slavery had been abolished, and to islands in the Caribbean that were not part of the slave trade.^[5] An earlier escape route running south toward Florida, then a Spanish possession (except 1763–83), existed from the late 17th century until approximately 1790.^[6][7] However, the network now generally known as the Underground Railroad was formed in the late 18th century. It ran north and grew steadily until the Emancipation Proclamation was signed by President Abraham Lincoln.^[8] One estimate suggests that, by 1850, 100,000 enslaved people had escaped via the network. The ‘Underground Railroad’ or escaped routes, plus Harriet Tubman & others like her, were summoned by the prayers of the slaves & those who loved others. Harriet Tubman was a woman of God & heard her Voice, calling her to do what she did.

Jesus is Called

It is explained in the New Testament that righteous Jews were waiting for the Messiah – the definition is ‘any expected deliverer.’ When Mary presented Jesus for the first time at the synagogue, an old man, Simon, proclaimed He was it, & now that he’d seen him, he could die in peace.

Jesus was scarcely understood in his lifetime, it took eons to get it. His disciples themselves were confused, & not until the Holy Spirit descended upon them & all the followers {in the Cenacle, after long prayer & supplication} did they know what they had to do & were empowered to do it.

Jesus was just like Buddha. Buddha was not a Patriarch, he preached against sacrifice of animals, against the cruel Caste System & he was not a misogynist. Women were equal in his religion & still are. Buddhism was peace & love & still is.

I have stated before I believe in the BBC documentary called ‘Jesus in Kashmir.’

Jesus was a reincarnated Buddhist Guru from Tibet. The 3 Wise Men from the East were Buddhists. Jesus disappearance at age 12 & reappearance age 29 was because he was taken to Tibet to learn ministry & returned to help his people.

Jesus also taught us not to sacrifice animals, but ourselves & our sins, he was the Lamb of God to the slaughter. He showed us self-sacrifice by acceptance of the Cross.

He also did not believe in the Caste System – prejudice & oppression of the poor. He taught of the ‘good Samaritan’ & he ministered to the ‘woman at the well’ who was a foreigner. He spoke the Beatitudes, which ennobled suffering, poverty& oppression, that such people would be Blessed.

And women? He did not teach what St. Paul later did – that women must obey men & not speak in Church – that was a throwback to the old ways. He walked with women openly, his mother, Mary Cleophas & Mary Magdalene – which was against Orthodox Jewish rules. He was against stoning the woman caught in adultery – {where was the man?} He showed the men they could not judge by what he wrote in the sand for each. Jesus was a true Buddhist & his Christianity is the new Buddhism.

Meaning of my Life Continue Chapter 13

This is pertinent about the Meaning of Jesus’ life:

About Christ, the Messiah

Matthew 16

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When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”

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They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”

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“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

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Simon Peter answered, “You are the Christ,^[2] the Son of the living God.”

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Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven.

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And I tell you that you are Peter,^[3] and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades^[4] will not overcome it.^[5]

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I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be^[6] bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be^[7] loosed in heaven.”

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Then he warned his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Christ.

Jesus had done all kinds of miracles & removed demons before the eyes of the disciples but none of them knew who He was – that he was Christ, the Son of God, the Messiah that had been predicted. Peter was touched by the Holy Spirit & blurted out who Jesus was & Our Lord was pleased. His Holy Mother knew who he was when at the wedding feast of Cana she told them ‘Do whatever He says.’ He’d not yet done his miracles but she knew he could & would.

There are various types of persons & titles for persons sent by God. There are Prophets, Saints, Avatars, Messiahs, & these people have various Gifts to enable their work.

Let’s get some definitions:

Prophets

Prophet: a person who speaks for God or a deity, or by divine inspiration. (in the Old Testament)

a person chosen to speak for God and to guide the people of Israel: Moses was the greatest of Old Testament prophets.

Other terms for prophets are medium, clairvoyant, bard & witch.

Jesus told the disciples he was more than a prophet – all those from the Old Testament were not able to do what He had. John the Baptist was a Prophet & he said to Jesus he was not fit to tie his shoes. A Messiah is a greater appearance than a Prophet.

Saints

Another term: Saint. I read some place the Catholic Church has 28k saints – Wikipedia says it’s 10k. There are in reality, way more than that known by God. There are also numerous Saints in the ProtestantChurch, but they don’t declare them. Then there’s all the other religions. In totality there have been millions of Saints. Definition & synonyms for Saint:

any of certain persons of exceptional holiness of life, formally recognized as such by the Christian Church, especially by canonization.

a person of great holiness, virtue, or benevolence.

A martyr, glorified soul or holy being.

All Messiahs are Saints, but not all Saints are Messiahs. What is the purpose – to other people – of a Saint, in the Kingdom of God? From the internet:

Saints are venerated but not worshiped. They are believed to be able to intercede for salvation and help mankind either through direct communion with God or by personal intervention.

Me – OK, about the veneration & worship. It’s about degree of the pedestal, so worship is the highest degree, while veneration is lower. I don’t strictly go by that. I worship Mary as if She was God, the same as Jesus. I have worshiped all my Gurus as God because I am not looking at their flesh but their God Self. I worship my own God Self, I know I am God inside my soul. I also know all humans have God within them, some not realized or active, while those who are ‘born again’ have the active God inside.

I will channel my God Self. We have now covered three types of people from God. Let me hear you explain how each one works, their purpose. Let’s start with Prophet, then go to Saint & Messiah:

Mother God {MG}: I prophet comes to warn people, mostly about repentance from sin. Sometimes they demonstrate God Powers, such as healing & removing evil spirits or doing other wondrous things.

A Saint is someone who exemplifies & demonstrates Holiness, or the way of Perfection with God. They can be active saints who go into the world or contemplatives living in privacy & do there work secretly. Contemplatives reach others through prayer, which has great Power from a Holy Soul – they can do all the things Prophets do without leaving their abodes. Active Saints go into the world, like the great St. Teresa of Calcutta, & St. John Paul II, St. Catherine of Sienna, & St. Francis of Assisi {although all saints can contemplate while also being active, they have an intimate walk with God – that’s contemplation. Contemplative {or you might say ‘cloistered’ Saints were St. Clare, St. Theresa of Liseux, St. Padre Pio {but he heard thousands of confessions & dealt with people who came to him}, St. Mary of Agreda, St. Anne Catherine Emmerich, & St. Faustina.

Jesus said to the sister of Magdalene, ‘Martha, you worry about so many things, but Mary has the better part.’ Mary was sitting at his feet – that’s a contemplative, so Jesus declared contemplation is higher than action. However, you must do whatever God declares you to do – some people are supposed to be active, some contemplative, some go back & forth or are strong in doing both on the same day. Obey God & see how She leads you.

A Messiah or the Messiah as Christians believe is a Special Human sent by God to deliver a certain group of people, but overall, save all those who believe in him. Jesus stands out here in every way. Jesus came to deliver the Jews not from the Romans but the Old Testament. He said he came to FULFILL the law, not to destroy it, but in fulfilling the ancient ways he also abolished them. He abolished ‘an eye for an eye,’ revenge. He was not for animals sacrifice. He was not for misogyny. He ended circumcision {thank God!}. He amended, changed, & circumvented all the ungodliness in the Israelite religion – as for instance, when He knocked over the money changers tables in the Temple – that was a long-held custom that Jesus declared wrong. {That speeded up his arrest & crucifixion.}

ME: So what did Jesus mean He didn’t come to abolish the Old Testament or old ways but He came to fulfill it?

MG: He came to CORRECT the old ways, remove the bad from the good. The Ten Commandments were fine, but there were so many inconsistencies in the Hebrew religion. For instance, when they spoke of virtue, kindness, loving they neighbor, they referred only to their Hebrew neighbor. They didn’t love any of their neighbors, anyone that was not their own. They didn’t respect them, murdered them in war & stole & raped their girls. And they said they did this in the name of God! They said actually God demanded they kill the virgins also & was mad at them for keeping the girls! So it’s just a word – fulfill or change.

Jesus came to take the wickedness out of the Hebrew religion, & there you have Buddhism, the religion of Peace, Love thy Neighbor meaning all neighbors – all races, both genders, no violence, love & kindness for all {‘Whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me!’ And I might add Buddhism & real Christianity {not the Christianity as taken over by males} is Matriarchy. There was no war or weapons of war when humans worshipped Mother God & venerated women. Buddhism & real Christianity would have no Crusades or Inquisitions. {To be continued}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Channel Marilyn–Spirituality

Chapter 12 Channeling Marilyn

– Spiritual Revelations 6-30-21

What is channeling? Its mind reading, but it can go like this: Consider when two computers are connected, where one can read another. You can do that with channeling – I often do. And so, the person or mind you are channeling is aware of anything contained within your mind – they can be edified, gain understanding, insight, get any type of knowledge or info that is in your mind.

I’ve been channeling Marilyn Monroe the last two days, all day, asking her questions. When she answers, if its about me, she looks into my mind to provide the answer – in other words, she knows where I was coming from when I did this or that, what I desired, what I strove for, the good it did, & based on what was & what is, what’s ahead.

I have an affinity for Marilyn as I’ve known of her since being a child, when she was starring in Gentleman Prefer Blondes & How to Marry a Millionaire. The year was 1953, I was 8 years old. I recall clearly walking by a movie marquee which portrayed her as the most beautiful woman in the world, & prayed, “God, make me a billion times more beautiful than Marilyn Monroe.”

Some connection with a soul ahead of time causes us to connect with them later. Many of the celebrities I helped get out of Purgatory I had contact with in some form previous to their death & Purgatorial time. Example, Anthony Quinn – I had read his autobiography, ‘The Original Sin.’

Below: This is how we looked, how they looked, & they wanted sex. What they saw was not what we saw.

Errol Flynn, I saw many of his movies & adored him.

James Brown I had had an affair with.

Dr. Robert Atkins had been courting me.

Elvis Presley I was in love with since age 10.

Rudolf Nureyev I was a fan.

George C. Scott I respected.

Richard Pryor I spent the night with {no sex.}

Frank Sinatra & Dean Marin I admired – they appeared to me the same night for deliverance.

Timothy McVeigh I heard of in the news, I pitied him as I felt he’d gone insane, when I reached him in Purgatory he said I was the only one able to do so.

Anna Nicole Smith I pitied.

There are many other cases, but this serves to illustrate the point. With Marilyn, I felt a kinship because on some level, I wanted to be like her, a successful bombshell. We had both been models, actors & glamour dolls.

When Andre de Dienes took me to Hollywood from New York, that was the beginning of my new life. He was also the first one to hire her to go on the road as a model – they toured the U.S. according to him, for 5 weeks, with me, it was 3 weeks, on the road from New York to CA, probably route #66; we spent a few nights in motels, he stopped at some Indian Reservation where I saw a town of thousands of Indians. When we landed in CA he did take me to his house in the Hollywood Hills. I loved it – it had skylights, it was wonderful. But we couldn’t stay there as he had rented it out to a couple for $200 {same as $1,800 in 2021} & the month wasn’t up yet. He cursed himself for renting it out ‘so cheap.’ We stayed in modest motels in the L.A. area for about 2 ½ weeks until he dumped me on a street in Venice, {a slum at the time, about to be renovated}, because I wouldn’t put out. Prior to that he gave me Marilyn Monroe’s makeup suitcase –a square box with rounded edges with a mirror inside, light green. I carried it around for years.

I will ask Marilyn why I find it so easy & compatible to channel her, much easier than many others. She says,

MM: We have the same kind of heart, open, pure, caring about others. We also felt alone – me being an orphan, you being abused by your Mom & abandoned by Dad. We both went into show business, we both were aspiring to be glamour dolls, we both loved God & all that She represents.

ME: On that note, to me, the most important point in your life is where did you fail, that it led to suicide? What went wrong? What is the most important thing in life for a person to attain? Certainly not fame & fortune, we both know that doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Below: Marilyn at various stages of life

MM: What I failed to do was find God & myself, that God is there & we are One. That is the main point of your present religion, the one you wrote for women, their autonomy. {Woman, Thou Art God}

ME: I understand & believe you, but there are untold millions of people who have never found God, but they keep living in the flesh, they are spiritually dead & when they die they go to Hell. But they feel no emptiness or loss, they live for the world, they don’t kill themselves.

MM: But I wasn’t like them. Most people project onto me the qualities they do upon you & all women in our business – that we love what we do, that we ARE what we do. But we are children of God. It’s a means to an end, the object being to be loved, so that others would find us loveable, not abandon us the way we have been abandoned. But in the end, we reach the pinnacle of success & we find that people don’t love us, that is the heartbreaking point. For you, you were not alone; you had reached the pinnacle of success with God. But I hadn’t, I reached the height of earthly glory, but,

“What profit a woman, if she gains the whole world but loses her soul, for what will she exchange for her soul?”

I knew there was God, who is all good. I knew a lot about God but I couldn’t GRASP her; I couldn’t feel her nurturing touch, her consolation, guidance, peace. I was lost in that sense, in this evil wicked world which although I was the most glamorous & physically desired creature in the world, no one loved me in God’s love {sacrificial love}, I was alone, helpless, & frightened. The pictures Andre took of me in his book, where I asked him to photograph me in the seedy backstreets of Beverly Hills, by the light of his car lights, I look frightened. That was the real me – which I covered up valiantly.

The real me was also shown in “Don’t Bother to Knock,” a mentally disturbed young lady who acts as baby sitter. When she’s busted she once again dons her institution uniform & stands in the lobby of this hotel staring outwardly. The look on her face is bewildered, confused & scared. That’s the real me. The Gentleman Prefer Blondes & How to Marry a Millionaire is a big farce on my part, a put on & a façade – not real in the least.

The more success I had the more I realized it was not going to bring me what I wanted & I became desperate – like,

Marilyn’s Disappointment

“Oh, wow, this didn’t lead me to fulfillment & happiness; I am empty – empty of love, empty of meaning. The people around me were pressuring me to give them what they wanted – the studio their film footage. I couldn’t sleep, I was exhausted. I had insomnia for lack of peace, then I got addicted to barbiturates, then it got worse. Then I took so many to try to sleep I could not get up, I was exhausted when we had to film – everyone was angry at me. Then I felt super guilty, that I’m a bad person.

As far as men, you know how that is. I did not have a Richard Von Werder who agreed to my celibacy. You – being of God – God summoned you a man with a Saintly character who accepted your celibacy – He said it was because you were virtuous, & he accepted you as a maternal figure with whom sex was not appropriate. He did whatever you wanted – so did your other best friends, Saint Esquire & ‘Saint Astaire’.} {This was of course after many years of abuse when you were young, vulnerable & innocent, from family & men when you started to be an adult. You had a horrible first husband.}

There was a reason you met such men – it was because of your sacrifice of celibacy. You looked out for God’s business & God looked out for yours.

What was my path? You learned from the great orphan-benefactor of England, George Murrell, that one should pray to God & ask God for all their needs, not to ask people. And God provided him with all that was needed, each day for his orphanages, through people. God summoned & motivated the people who were needed to provide – say, one was a baker – HE COULDN’T SLEEP, it was 2AM, & God inspired him to start baking bread & take it to the orphanage, he was just in time for breakfast – the children had no bread.

It’s the principle of ‘Put first the Kingdom of God, & everything shall be added unto you.’

Below: Me at various stages of life, 19 to 65

George Murrell put first the Kingdom of God, so did you. Your main focus, mind, was always on God. What did God want or not want me to do? How can I get closer to God? Where do I go, what do I do? You played it by ear, you heard God’s voice. You worked on your communication with God with constant prayer & spiritual reading, no matter what in life was gong on, including on the road stripping. It all unfolded. You didn’t know your path, but you sensed you were not to do certain things, not to marry Mickey Hargitay, for instance – that wasn’t your path, or any of the rich & famous men who asked you for your hand. You did not know where you would go, but you knew where you shouldn’t, & your thirty years of celibacy were an important part of that road that kept you from negative waters.

It was during those years of celibacy, 1978, that God saw Richard Von Werder sitting in a burlesque audience watching you {the Melody Theater NYC}, & an angel tapped him on the shoulder & said, ‘This is your wife.’

You did not meet him in person until 1986 & did not marry until the year 2000, but he was the most valuable man in your life – all due to celibacy for the love of God. You knew you couldn’t snag a husband through having sex – so God found you one that would accept your celibacy.

As for me, you know the routine. I went from man to man – important ones that would get me ahead. Wikipedia names a few – Johnny Hyde got me a 7 year contract with Fox. Sidney Skolsky was a famous columnist, Joseph Schenck studio boss, directors & movie stars. I was not pursuing or striving toward Oneness with God, that is why I could not achieve it. God does not arrive automatically, had I put in as much effort toward reaching God as I did being in the movies, I would have done so. I achieved what I struggled for – so did you.

Tina Turner’s Buddhist Chant

ME: It might be useful here to mention a famous singer who did rise up out of her miseries through praying a God-chant, Tina Turner. She was being repeatedly abused & beaten by her creepy husband, she met up with her gf who taught her to chant NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO – & at the worst of times, she chanted this four hours straight. {See Wikipedia}

This changed her life. Three years later she broke up with Ike Turner & thereafter had the biggest comeback in musical history, this in her 40’s.

Before she started chanting, she was considered a ‘nostalgic’ act, but after that she EXPLODED with NEW success. And so, there is your example when a person puts first the Kingdom of God, & how God heals them at their need.

Relationships as Ladders to Success

About Marilyn & relationships with important men. Indeed, these men brought her to the water, but she had to drink. They did not do the work – she did. She’s the one that worked out her makeup & hair with professional help. The studio gave her Natasha Lytess but she had to take the acting lessons. They provided wardrobe but she had to stay in shape & wear the clothes. Promotional opportunities were granted, she had to do the posing & go to events & ‘arm candy’ dates. Johnny Hyde got her a 7 year contract, but he did not sing & dance for her. They got her films, she learned her lines, rehearsed & performed. They opened doors – she walked through them. Her success, bottom line, was cooperation & hard work.

And so, in brief, she exchanged her favors with some important men but those men did not work & perform, she did.

There are some naïve people – the models I photographed for one – who think that meeting the right people they will automatically put your name in lights. You have to cooperate with these people, give them their pound of flesh. Marilyn did, I didn’t. Marilyn reminds me of the time I was with the William Morris agency, they took me to a Chief, maybe a VP like Johnny Hyde – he only wanted to know one thing – would I go out with him? I said I could not, I was married. So, no more auditions. I had no idea at the time – I was 19 – that these people had no morals regarding sex. Not saying I was innocent, not a vestal virgin, sometimes I did things like that, sometimes I did not. I naively thought he’d think I was immoral, a married woman, saying yes to sex with a married man – I thought he might look down on a woman like that. I was ignorant, God wanted me that way that day. Some women knew the score better than me – Marilyn did – maybe her desire was stronger, maybe she knew this was her path. Maybe God wanted me to be naïve & ignorant about ‘it’s not who you know, it’s who you blow.’ It would be a path, for me, of darkness. I did not understand where it was leading, but God knew. I was not to be another Marilyn Monroe, I was to be a woman used by God & I had to be involved with body building & the adult trade. Those two items led to the Fatima speech before the White House, which ended the Cold War, the threat of WWIII & nuclear annihilation.

To become a full time film star would have eliminated these two roles, Progenitor of female body building & Stripping for God. Movie stardom would have taken the wind out of my sails – the Holy Spirit out of my endeavors. I had a singular path, to the beat of a different drummer, to bring ideas into the world that the world did & didn’t like – How Jesus appeared to the Jews. He was loved & hated; loved by those pure in heart, hated by the prejudiced, hypocritical, tyrannical establishment. He bucked the status quo, the fundamentalists murdered him.

Marilyn keeps saying to me,

“You missed nothing. Look what movie stardom got me. Your life was more important than movies, you changed the world, as a movie star, all I did was entertain.”

God’s Plan for My Life

God had A PLAN. God knew how the map would work from her Infinite place, how it would happen in time & space. I had merely to listen to her from the inside out, hear her intimations, follow them no matter how unusual they seemed, to take me where, I did not understand, but God did.

God has an ‘economy,’ a ‘game plan’ if you are an Avatar sent by her. You have a mission? God knows how it will get done. You cannot listen to the world because you’re here to change the world. To listen to the world means to be in step with it – the world is not in step with God. Obviously some things you have to play along with, even Jesus & Buddha did. But their mission was counter-culture. Our culture is flawed – they came to fix it. I came to help fix a few things in Patriarchy, & I did. Who could imagine the steps?

Below: Marilyn & me, & some men & types we must deal with, some of the big shots demand sex. And the nobody’s try.

Who could imagine, in 1975, that female body building would become universally accepted? That it would change the behavior & image of women forever? I explain the dynamics in ‘The Origin & Decline of Female Body Building.’ When my article came out in Esquire, six pages of female body building, it was a Universal sensation as such a thing was unheard of – a novel, strange idea, females lifting weights, in general, was taboo {proscribed by society as improper or unacceptable – synonyms are: anathema, unthinkable, disapproved, forbidden, restricted, unmentionable, frowned upon, & unacceptable} – & all the taboos where blurted into my face, why women should not lift weights: It’s not feminine, women will look like men, {they will be unattractive,} etc. Lifting weights, generally speaking, is the domain of men & there is no reason for it for women, etc.

My job was to present the idea to the media until it clicked. Of course I didn’t do it alone. Neither was Marilyn Monroe created by herself, there was a staff of studio people helping – all kinds of people doing all kinds of things, but Marilyn was the instrument & catalyst to produce the sexiest, most beautiful & glamorous woman of her day. Yes, I had magazine editors, photographers, TV producers, journalists & such cooperating with me, I with them. And as I explain in the book, it clicked when we got it into Playboy May, 1977. It was after that they began holding contests for muscles, not before.

God also knew that I would be in Washington, DC promoting the body building. This was seen by Betty Jane Allsup, who called me after watching AM Washington. I was there for body building but talked a lot about God.

Honeysuckle Divine

There’s a serious back story to Betty Jane, known in the dancing business as Honeysuckle Divine.

She was a postulant {novice nun} in a convent in Philadelphia. One night the devil appeared to her, & said,

“If you don’t leave here, I’m going to kill you.”

Terrified, she climbed out the window & went into town, seeking employment. But she could not find a job except in a bar. During that time she got involved in the adult trade.

This was far cry from her mind set – as she told me, when she was religious she said,

“If pimps & prostitutes are evil, why don’t they kill them all?”

She then found out that those in the adult trade are not there because they love sin, they are there because they need to make a living.

I had seen Honeysuckle Divine in men’s magazines & sex papers. She did a wild act where she put ping pong balls into her vagina & popped them into the audience – the laughter exploded; she would also put peanut butter on her thighs & let the men eat it off. It was the craziest burlesque act in town. She got arrested many times.

I did not know her back story, & saw her as ‘pornographer.’ In those days I was prejudiced myself. I thought to spread one’s legs on stage was vulgar, to do anything porno might be sinful. I was so brainwashed I still thought, until the later 80’s, that homosexuality was sin. Of course I was wrong, but it took me a while to find that out. What a Church or society does to a brain from childhood remains until unless one struggles against it.

After the AM Washington show, this lady left me a message at my hotel. Being, as I said, prejudiced, I did not plan to call back the ‘pornographer.’ They got me out of bed early for the TV show, so I proceeded to take a nap.

During the nap my Inner God appeared to me & said,

“You call that lady!”

{Understand I had to cultivate the ability to hear the still, small voice within. I explain elsewhere that it was when I was studying hypnosis & mind over matter, I suddenly heard this Voice I never had before, as clear as a bell, & when I asked it who it was, it said, ‘I am you.’ I said, ‘you can’t be me, I’m me, so who are you?’ Again the voice repeated she was me.

This was 1971, & thereupon this Voice guided & protected me, warned me, advised me, discovered to me inner secrets of persons & psychic revelations. It would wake me up on time to catch a bus or plane by having a train whistle blow or some such thing. It would tell me where to walk this way & that, where I would find a friend whose car had just broke down, that needed me to wait by the car while he went to a gas station. It would tell me what people were thinking & feeling about me & what they planned to do, if they were friend or foe.

This Voice was temporarily blocked, sadly, part of the time I was with Rev. Judy Swaggart. She persuaded me that her spirituality was ‘higher’ than mine; that I needed to listen to her exclusively as Guru. I did as she asked & heard a creaking iron door close, & the voice said,

“I can’t help you any more.”

Eventually, it came back, when I distanced myself from Rev. Judy. I learned never to give up one’s conscience, the still, small voice, for anyone or anything, no matter what. Rev. Judy was as equally vile as she was helpful, when I left her on two occasions she put death curses on me – my Guardian Angels prevented it, but I came close to death. I believe had my Voice been in operation those times I would have avoided the situation: Both times it was black males who desired me & hoped to rape & kill me. The first occasion, the police were involved, the second, God saved me by a miracle explained in Part 3. This is the back story about my Power of the God Voice within.}

Back to Honeysuckle Divine – Betty Jane Allsup.

I obeyed my Voice & called Betty Jane. The first words out of her were,

‘You are a saint, & I am your disciple.’

She then told me she would arrange for me to preach in front of the White House. I felt it was her fantasy & a far fetched one. Not that I was against it, but I didn’t see how it would come about.

This woman whom I condemned at first as ‘pornographer’ would be instrumental in the speech that would end the Cold War. I gave the speech, but she made it happen. Often God works with others; we don’t do all that we do alone, God arranges the time, place & characters in her Infinite Wisdom.

Betty Jane did things I never dreamed of doing. She got permission for the speech in LafayettePark with the Parks Dept. Just recently I noticed, {Look on the Kellie Everts website for the official park permission} it was signed by two officials, one named LAMB {the Lamb of God, Jesus!}, the other being FISH {Christian symbol from ‘I will make you fishers of men!}

She sent handwritten invitations to the Congress, the Russian Embassy {who answered they would consider it} & all the Washington media, TV, radio, the Washington Post & the Washington Star, etc. She covered it all – I was amazed. She was incredible with the promotion.

What am I attempting to point out here? I have told this account again & again, not previously in such detail with the back story of Betty Jane & etc. I am trying to point out my DESTINY was arranged by God, so that I could/would do exactly as pleased her so that certain works for mankind would transpire. She alone knew all the answers, I knew little, but I obeyed, many times, not knowing what on earth was I doing? – Just obeying. And I got to this because I’ve been talking to Marilyn Monroe about her life & why it would have been unsuitable for me to be like her – a film star – my life as it’s been could not have happened.

I consider the greatest example of obedience to God that of Jesus Christ, going right to his Crucifixion. {Of course there are numerous saints who did as He did.} Who could have ever believed or guessed what He faced in order to establish Christianity? At the last supper He announced,

“This is my body – which will be given up for you. This is my blood, which will be shed so sins can be forgiven.”

No one – not one disciple – understood what was about to take place. In fact, when earlier on he had told all the followers they would eventually have to ‘eat his body & drink his blood,’ they were confounded &g hundreds deserted him.

Jesus did strange & unusual things in the religious world, he was a revolutionary. I am told by the mystics & saints the only one who understood him was his Holy Mother. My parallel with Our Lord is as He obeyed, no matter what, I also did.

For instance, I wanted to be celibate for the love of God, eventually Our Lady appeared to me & asked me to take the vow. I did. Then thirty years later God changed it, against my will. I was happy being celibate. But God said if I did not quit the celibacy, stop suffering & ‘have fun,’ I would be outside the Will of God, so I obeyed again. I became a Cougar, drank & had sex with many young men, which at first was fun.

I do not fully understand why God made me do what She did, maybe I never will. All I know is I obeyed & sooner or later it will be revealed. I am guessing it pertains to female empowerment, to prove a point therein. My life story will be enhanced in its message by these activities – it might warrant comment, being celibate such a long time, then turning Cougar – it’s unusual.

Anne Catherine Emmerich also explains that the Passion & Crucifixion of Jesus was an important event that had to be public – in order to magnify his story & establish Christianity. The devil, she says, wanted him to die in the jail cell, of his terrible scourging wounds, exhaustion, dehydration, so the Crucifixion would not take place. But it was God’s will it would take place & be documented, & God also knew She would orchestrate his getting off the Cross – passed out but alive – legs not broken, the spear did not penetrate his heart – he was revived & resurrected & after being healed, traveled back to Tibet, where in his previous lifetime he’d been a Holy Guru – & spent the rest of his life there. {See ‘Jesus in Kashmir’ on You Tube, BBC documentary.}

This awful Passion & near death on the Cross Jesus dreaded, but He obeyed God in all things, & this was the way ‘the new Buddhism’ would get set up. It was the Theater of Salvation. Christians accept what happened as a real death – He suffered as much as if it had been real. And they aren’t taught his resurrection was physical, on the third day. The Christian leaders would be loathe to spread the BBC version – but it doesn’t bother me one iota that Jesus passed out, not died. His sacrifice was totally complete, He gave his life.

I am NOT comparing my work in body building or Stripping for God commensurate with Jesus’ Passion & Crucifixion, only making a point about obedience. {However, I must add that I am a Christian martyr in the footsteps of Jesus, having the Divine Interior Stigmata, which took me 18 years of ‘dark night of the soul’ to earn this grace. That IS comparable to Jesus martyrdom.}

My grace of martyrdom however, is my PERSONAL walk with God, my other activities, in the limelight, were & are my PUBLIC MINISTRY. My Stigmata martyrdom is known to me & me alone & those who believe me, it happened in privacy, in secret if you will – You already have Jesus & many saints examples to follow in that vein, it wasn’t necessary that mine be publicly known & believed {as are, for instance, the physical stigmatists like Padre Pio & St Francis}. I filled a gap to empower women, to make them stronger, to help them throw off the Yoke of Patriarchy – & that was body building & Stripping for God & whatever else I did to establish Matriarchy. I hope I am speaking clearly. {End Chapter 12}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Marilyn Monroe & Me

Chapter 11 Marilyn Monroe, Andre de Dienes & Me

I’ve had this book in my possession for a while, never finished reading it. But a short time ago I met a fan of MM & promised to show her the book, so I looked at it again. I was basically ignoring Mr de Dienes, just said in my writings ‘He took me to CA” – but after seeing what he said about Marilyn & realizing there was a parallel between his taking her on the road & taking me – {she was with him 5 weeks, I endured 3.} I could read between the lines, he admitted being a pig {sex maniac he called it, sounds better than pervert/pig}, his mind only on sex, telling dirty stories; he says he felt rage at her having him ‘at his beck & call’ but not putting out {he was the same with me, only I will explain why he was meaner to me} – {except once in an unfortunate snowstorm where the hotel had only one room with a double bed, they had to share it & she gave in, maybe spent a second day there, mostly in the room. So he hit it twice I suppose, but it seems she never put out again, & he calls this their HONEYMOON! – Wishful thinking, fantasies & delusions gone mad.}

This book is an outrage & I will set the record straight – will describe my time with him & channel {mind read} both him & Marilyn. I know Marilyn is in Heaven, he’s probably there but I think in a dim place like my Mom & bro.

The book is ‘Marilyn Mon Amour’ & what I want to counter is the false impressions he gave of himself – I will tell what he really was like – & his image of Marilyn upon first seeing her – which he colors in hyperbole & later puts her down {“her success was a sham”.}

The pics he took in 1945 show a pretty girl with a nice figure, not yet groomed, not a star – the Marilyn people adore did not exist at age 19. These images did not lead her to a movie career. In the first ones her hair is unfortunate, she looks attractive, maybe cute, maybe pretty, some are beautiful. As the years go by her look changes due to the movie studios; the makeup artists, studio hair dressers, costume designers, took her potential & made her a gorgeous glamour doll.

She was not ‘stunning’ at 19, just a simple lovely girl, Andre describes his first sight of her like the Heavens opened, it was a supernatural event, she was a Divine entity & he knows she’s going to be a star {while at the same time plotting how to get her to take nudes, have sex with him, & then live in matrimonial slavery, for him & him alone, having endless pictures taken…..You believe he had her best interests at heart, I’ll sell you a bridge.}

Let me channel him while I’m at it {channeling is mind reading}. ME: Andre, tell me honestly what your first sighting of Marilyn meant to you.

ANDRE: {His new name is the PIED PIPER, so hereafter I shall call him PP {like urine, haha} – Pied Piper because he does something for you, & if he doesn’t get his pound of flesh, he takes revenge. He says:

My first sighting of her was her innocence. She looked green, docile – no Heavens were opened, she looked like a sweet young girl, maybe 17, & my thoughts were how I could get to her, make her do what I wanted, & she seemed like a fine candidate.

ME: Candidate for what?

PP: Like I told you again & again {prior to this moment} – I was an ORDINARY MAN & being ordinary I lived for myself, my flesh, not my spirit. I was out to get what I wanted, which in this case was mostly sex. My mind was not on business or what I would do with these images, it was how I could get her into bed from the get go – & these were my thoughts with any innocent, young female I would go on a trip with – how I could get sex & how soon?

ME: OK, understood, I suspected as much & any human in their right mind would. What about me? Were those your exact intentions? I was 16, a month from my 17^th birthday, 1961. You had seen the last of Marilyn in June, 1961 – perhaps it was before you took me from New York to CA, as that was June 1961, or maybe you saw her when we got to CA, not telling me.

PP: As you know, the very first night, I tried it with you & you were going to let me, but being an old man, I lost my hardon & couldn’t get it back. After that you said no, so I was pissed.

ME: You rave about how beautiful, wonderful, vivacious Marilyn was. Were you exaggerating, wishful thinking because you wanted her so badly & it took a while getting there? How did I compare to her looks wise, as you did photograph me later, & you saw me nude from the get-go. And of course, throughout our sojourn, after I said no, you criticized me calling me ‘too skinny.’ Your first reaction of me was you would get me into Playboy as a Hawaiian girl {obviously you saw I was exotic, having Mongolian blood} but you never gave that idea a start.

PP: Looks wise, you were as good as Marilyn, in fact, your body was better. But your personality was not docile. She gave an aura of femininity & was careful to in a way, to lead me on. She was extremely diplomatic as she knew all men want to bed young ladies – you all know – & she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, she wanted to get the work done. She wasn’t sure if she could hold me off until the end, – as it turned out – it was impossible, & she went through the ordeal & cried. Yes, now that I’m dead I admit the truth. That’s why she had tears in her eyes as I described.

You were tougher, stronger than Marilyn. You resisted at your peril. You found me repulsive, as she also did. By the time I got to you I was worse than I was before, & my personality toward you was vile.

ME: So many questions here. (1) How was my body better than hers, & after that, why did you keep saying I was ‘too skinny?’ {BTW, I did not believe you; I felt it was ‘sour grapes.’} And (2) how did I show I was tough & strong?

PP: You were not docile like her, she was submissive; she would give the impression I was in charge, I was superior. She tolerated all my dirty stories, as you did, & she laughed. Maybe you didn’t laugh as much, you hated them, you didn’t hide it as well. She listened to me attentively & I was flattered, thinking she wanted to learn from me, that I impressed her, but nothing I said impressed you, you did not think much of me, & for good reason.

ME: In your book, you give the impression that you had some sort of cultural/intellectual knowledge. I saw none of that. I was probably, at age 16, more learned & cultured than you – as I had been reading great literature since age 9 – I had listened to opera, classical music, from my Mother’s womb, I had studied ballet & adored it. I knew many operas, ballets, classical pieces, great books. I had been exposed to such things from infancy, & I also was exposed to religion & was close to God – you weren’t.

Your only interest in art I recall was monetary. You bragged how you got a painting {for free} out of a man named Kooning {William de Kooning I think} & how much money you could sell it for some day. Did you really believe Marilyn was trying to learn from you?

PP: No, she wasn’t, but I liked to think she did. We Europeans on the average know more about culture than the average American, so I held this up over her head to try & get her to admire me. It was all delusional on my part, but it buoyed up my ego.

ME: Had Marilyn my personality & resisted & rejected you for sex, what would you have done?

PP: I would have ignored her after the journey, let’s say, if on that fateful day there was one room-one bed, prisoners of the snow, & she refused sex, that would have been the end. I would have known all bets were off, I would have maybe taken her back to her Aunt, & after that, ignored her.

ME: And yet you claim how you loved her, you wrote her a preposterous love letter telling her love was all that mattered {this is repeated in your book} {before she gave in to sex} & you would always love her, a stupid, silly, mushy bullcrap letter – desperate man. So did you ever love her?

PP: You can tell by evidence of how a person acts if they truly love or not. I was not capable of love, God’s love or a parental nurturing love, I only cared for my own penis. I wanted her, lusted after her; she was young & docile & pretty. I wanted to possess her & use her; I didn’t care what she wanted. If I had truly loved her, I would have sat down with her, after she told me she didn’t want to get married wanted to be in the movies – & produced a plan. The plan would consist of how I could help her, through my photography & contacts, to make her a star. But I didn’t care. When she said she wanted to be in the movies it seemed a long shot, I figured she wouldn’t get there. So why would I knock myself out to help when it was improbable, & if it happened, she would leave my clutches & be a star – a woman who could get anyone she wanted. What chance would I have? I was a nobody, not rich or famous, only known in the world of photography, no VIP to the Hollywood crowd. But I did have contacts, indeed, many, I could have helped her. And I could have given her cash. She told me she was having trouble making ends meet. I suggested her getting a studio apt in Santa Monica, she did. But I did not provide any money – & I did sell her images at a profit to obscure people like ANSCO {?} or magazines the Hollywood set never saw. I made money off her but didn’t share it, I was greedy & selfish. You saw what I was like, a nothing of a man; half a man.

ME: And I might add the irony of it all, that you are famous only in the light of having been with her – in the Wikipedia that is the major content of your story – when you took her on trips, saw her, photographed her, the most famous glamour doll in our society. And all the while you were pretending you could help her – she helped you. You stand in her shadow, & you even had the nerve, if you said it, not your writer, that her success was a sham! You made it seems to me, most of your living off catalogs like Montgomery Ward. You photographed a number of celebrities. I imagine the studio or magazines paid you for shots. You might have been suitable for outdoor work or action images, rather than the studied theatrical portraits. I don’t think you ever did those. You could not have made your living off that – that would be icing on a cake, but the cake itself was just hard, mundane work of catalogs. And I know the American Indians did not pay you to document them. Am I getting this right?

PP: Indeed, I made money mostly off hard, mundane work like catalogs or routine stuff for magazines. The glamour was few & far between. I had to struggle to keep afloat & there were many obstacles like my house being damaged in a landslide, much of my photos destroyed, & then in a fit of depression I buried Marilyn’s nudes in my soggy back yard, tried to retrieve them later on but most were gone.

ME: I know you stated you originally told Ms Snively {Blue Book modeling agency – I spoke with her when I was about 17 – she also told me she ‘got Marilyn Monroe started’ – haha to that} you sought someone willing to take nudes, you were scheming to introduce that idea to Marilyn but got thwarted some times – but you told me in person that you did have nudes, & she came to your door one day & pleaded for you to destroy them as she just had a scandal with Tom Kelly’s images of her in Playboy. You said you buried them because of that. So where are the nudes? I’ve not seen any anywhere.

PP: If there had been any nudes I’m sure you would have seen them somewhere, sometimes. I mean nudes of Marilyn Monroe would be priceless. In my book I say I dug them up, & I told you in person I did. But they were ruined. If they were even half ruined, someone could have published them, but they were completely ruined – to the point you could not recognize the subject was Marilyn.

ME: OK, some last questions. You said my body was better than hers – how was that?

PP: Your skeleton & the way your limbs were shaped & your fitness. Marilyn was soft compared to you, & less shapely. You had better legs, arms & shoulders. Her greatest feature was the sway of her back & how it curved into her rear end. You had that & more.

Why did I keep calling you skinny & disparaging you? Because I was angry. I told you how I got angry at Marilyn when she had not put out – I was not a good sport, just an ordinary man who wanted revenge when he didn’t get his needs met.

ME: And when you left me on the street with the modeling fee you paid me – nothing more – $60, knowing I had no friends, relatives or contacts, that was the act of a man without conscience. Anything could have happened; I could have been rendered homeless in a short time. I doubt you would have done that to Marilyn had she not acquiesced to your demands. Was it because of Ms Snively & her Aunt that you’d be afraid to do that to her? Whereas I arrived to your ChelseaHotel at 6am in the morning – you did not get me through an agency nor did you have to meet my Dad to get permission. Is that why you were so gross in your treatment of me, as you cold not be held accountable?

PP: Indeed, with Marilyn Ms Snively could have black listed me had I done that to her, so I couldn’t get models to work for me. And Marilyn’s aunt could have called the police had I mistreated her, but with you, there was no accountability. That’s why it’s so dangerous to be young & at the mercy of men like me – we don’t care.

Andre Writes Some Bull Crap

I am convinced he did not write the book – its way beyond his literary skill. He most likely gave an extended interview to a professional writer, the writer waxed profusely on the romantic angle. The description of their time of having sex is ludicrous; imagine this man, for whom English is a second language he never mastered, writing this:

“The snow was falling thick & fast, the road was becoming impassable. I made out some lights shining from an old brick building which rejoiced in the grand name of Government Lodge. We were in luck, there was one room free. Only one. With a double bed. There was nowhere else to go….

As soon as she showered she slipped quickly into the big bed, where I joined her. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. The night was ours.

In my dreams I had explored her body; reality far surpassed my imagination. Everything she felt for me, trust, gratitude, even admiration, was fused in her surrender…..{Me: OMG are you kidding? Deluded.}….Why had we waited, hesitated, denied ourselves so long? {Me: She denied you as she didn’t want you.} Our bodies were made for each other…..I could not get enough of the silky skin, of her supple body both docile & demanding, of our shared, repeated pleasure, and suddenly, as my cheek brushed hers I realized she was crying. {Me: Hahaha, of course she was, to endure this atrocity from you, a veritable rape.}…..

Heaven was on our side: as we surfaced from the deep slumber that follows love-making, I saw that thick snowflakes were falling fast….We were prisoners. We spent the whole day in our room, only emerging during a bright spell to take some photos….Those blissful moments were mine alone. To let others share them would be a desecration.” {Me: Then why are you telling the world?}

This man continues fooling himself for years, that she wanted him, had feelings for him, forgetting that the only reason she got into bed with him is they were prisoners due to a snowstorm & this was the only room & bed available.

What Andre told me about this encounter was that she was turned on by him more than by other men because HE GAVE HER HEAD. {Licked her vagina.} I can just imagine how he did it, maybe a few seconds, they all think we get off on those 5 second licks – & yet they should consider how long it takes the poor females to suck their dicks before they come.

When I spent my first night with Andre de Dienes in a motel, I had not yet had much sex – I was 16 – {he was 48} I was willing to give in because I feared if I didn’t, he’d drive me back to New York – we weren’t terribly far away yet. But unfortunately, being an old man, he lost his hardon & couldn’t get it back. And the next day when he demanded sex, I refused, & refused until he gave up. But of course, he made me pay for denying him.

Now I will channel Marilyn Monroe. ME: Marilyn, did you ever have any feelings for this man, or attraction for him, or as he said in his book, even admired him? He says you wanted to learn from him.

MM: It was the opposite of all that. First of all, I endured him. He was obnoxious, but I was patient, stoic & endured a lot. My ambition was strong, I really wanted to make it, & if this sort of thing was the price to pay, then I’ll pay it.

ME: But you held him off for a long time. He’s belly aching through the book, his schemes to get you into bed, to pose nude. Once he’s booking the rooms & asks you two rooms or one? And you politely excuse yourself due to exhaustion; you must get a good night’s sleep. You were smart with excuses, you probably had your feminine ways, as he says, but you overall seemed docile & submissive.

MM: I topped from the bottom. I gave the impression of being docile, submissive, which was to a point. I can only compare this to your life, when you got together with nasty people to get something out of them, how you endured. You wanted to learn mind over matter & hypnosis, so you put up with that Putz NutOn for a couple years, then when you couldn’t stand it any more, you left. Then you endured Rev Judy Swaggart as you wanted to learn faith healing & how to channel, she was horrible, you took all you could for six years. She used you, but you got what you wanted. Because of her, today you can channel anyone – she got you started, you worked on it, vuallah.

ME: OK, so we & perhaps many people are doing the exact same thing, to get someone to do what we want, we put up with a lot of shyt. But this man tries to tell us that you loved him as he loved you. I think you only had sex with him during that snowstorm, & I suspect you might have done it again to get him to destroy all the nudes he took.

MM: No, I never loved him, he repulsed me as a man. I couldn’t stand him, his personality or his demands, just exactly as you felt. I believe you got it right about the sex. It was almost non existent, but he just kept hanging on.

ME: In the books Taschen made of his images of you they said, ‘he helped launch her model career &, a few years later, a film career that was to make her a legend.’ Did he help you & how?

MM: Absolutely not. I guarantee he did nothing for my film career – absolutely nothing. He could have, but he didn’t want to. All he wanted was to tie me down as his wife, have sex with me & take pics of me for his own portfolio – he was not about me, he was about him & his desires.

ME: OK, but he hung around you until a year before your death, even though he was married twice during that time. I noticed on your Wikipedia page, he is not mentioned, dozens of people are. Like Johnny Hyde, Vice President of William Morris, who was your agent, you his mistress. So Andre’s claims are empty. Describe what exactly he was, what he was not.

MM: He was a hanger on, hoping some day I’d have sex with him again, but I never did. He explains one time where I came to him asking to take pictures, of a different sort as I usually wanted, of myself as a real person, but he begged busy-ness. Then he relented, saying he realized I needed him. And then after saying that, he goes back to the nonsense like so:

“Had she come running to me hoping I would take her in my arms? Why had I been unable to understand? I should have swept all those papers off my table, kindled a blazing fire, uncorked a bottle of good wine & proceeded to love her, just lover her as if nothing else mattered & make her forget everything else.”

This was so ridiculous; his mind could not function in any area but sex. He could not nurture me, meet me at my level of need, it all went back to he’d have sex with me & make me forget my troubles. His type is part of the reason I was depressed, anxious & miserable, because they saw me as sex, sex, & sex. They didn’t listen to me or serve my needs; it was always their penis, penis, & penis.

And I had no proper parenting, I had Attachment Disorder. Mom was mentally ill; Dad abandoned me, so I was an orphan. Yes, some of my foster parents were wonderful people, but it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t an absolute bond, I lived in many places with many people as a child, up until 16 when I married a man I hardly knew to gain independence.

ME: So why did you allow Andre to remain in your life, why didn’t you tell him to take a hike?

MM: You’ve known dozens of men like him. You keep them as ‘spare tires,’ in case something comes up, you need a friend, you need this or that, & they might be available. Yes he was annoying when he tried to kiss me, I found him repulsive, just like that man who tried to kiss you when you were celibate but were thinking of going back to sex, he drove hours to see you so he could be first in line. But you decided to remain celibate. And when he found that out, he left your house even though it was 1AM.

ME: But you had sex with many important men who were also repulsive – Wikipedia names Joseph M. Schenck & Johnny Hyde.

MM: When a man is important & does serious things for you, you can overlook his appearance.

ME: About myself. You kept telling me at one time, ‘Be a movie star, it’s easy.’ I was in show biz like you, but my life took different turns. Could I have been like you or Jayne Mansfield or some other star? Would I have had what it takes?

MM: We spoke about this before. Indeed, you could have been one of the movie stars, but the roles you took on in life were better than that. You established female body building for the empowerment of women. It changed their image & behavior forever. You Stripped for God & danced to save souls, no woman in history ever did that. You preached in front of the White House through this – it got 3 major leaders into office & stopped the threat of nuclear annihilation. What does being a movie star, compare to that? You chose the better parts. Look what being a movie star got me.

ME: So I did not miss anything by leaving Hollywood on my own road, doing what I did.

MM: You not only missed nothing, you dodged some bullets. For you the things I did, having sex with important men would have been impossible. You were, in fact, solicited by one of the chiefs of William Morris for sex – you said no. You would have said no to many of these men & incurred their wrath, one of them might have paid someone to hurt you – especially if you took that starring role in Las Vegas.

ME: You’re right, I had a foreboding about that. It seems that in my life, the forces of Hell have been unleashed against me, but I won. My Guardian Angels protected me. There were so man instances where men wanted to murder me, even women, I explained some of it in Part 3.

MM: Your life is extremely valuable to the work of God. You volunteered to come back to earth, even after having secured an eternal place in Heaven. You know about this, I am seeing it & saying it. You arrived on earth as an Avatar. Yes, the forces of Hell have been unleashed, & you need protection, so you have 3 powerful angels. You will be remembered long after you are dead, & not only for your appearance.

ME: There isn’t much time left for me on earth, do you see this movie being a success? Will I live to see it? Will I live for this gas & oil on my land being drilled?

MM: Yes to both. And you will also obtain the companionship of your young husband.

ME: What do you see for this life story movie?

MM: It will be extremely successful, winning Academy Awards for the movie & the star. You will gain great notoriety & lots of money, it’ll be a new lease on life for you, as you have grown tired & disappointed, like I was at the end, then you will be revived. And yes, they will begin the gas & oil process while you’re alive.

ME: Why did you kill yourself, on purpose or an accident?

MM: I didn’t care any more if I lived or died. I took some pills, then got groggy, forgot how many I took & took some more. I had the worst insomnia imaginable, worse than what you suffer. I had fear, that is what it was, a sense of doom over me. And it was all because I had no love, no parental love, no God’s love, no kind of love. I was just being hounded by men’s lust & women’s jealousy – I had no friends I could count on that were the real deal – they all wanted something out of me, my body, my fame or fortune. I did not have the inner life you have, the walk with God, I was all alone in my body.

ME: You know I’ve been to hell & back, why did you not survive but I have?

MM: Because you have the Weapons of Spiritual Warfare – I didn’t, or at least, not strong like yours. You’re strong, I was weak. You were sent from Heaven as a volunteer, you’re like Jesus. You came to help others, you were an evolved soul in a previous lifetime, & in this life, were armed with great Gifts of the Holy Spirit. I was an ordinary girl & I could not overcome the trials & tribulations I came across. It was my time to go.

I had achieved what few women could ever dream of, I became the number one gorgeous movie star in the world, the absolute pinnacle of success. What more was there to prove? It would have been downhill after that, not that that’s bad, I mean it’s normal to grow old. But I had done what I did & could not overcome my internal phobias, I was haunted. Had I kept living my life would have been miserable, I could not find happiness. I could not get healing.

I know what you’re thinking – why could I not find God? Not everyone can, I could not. It wasn’t meant to be. But I lived a successful life & my legacy will live on for millions to continue gazing at my images & movies, & they will be entertained & made happy so it was a good life although I suffered.

If a woman or man like you helped me, I could have made it. But I had no such person.

You made it because of a powerful Faith, Hope, Trust & Confidence in God, as well as many virtues & gifts. You are armed so the forces of Hell cannot defeat you, though they have tried hard. Don’t give up believing now, your future isn’t terribly long but it’s very bright. Your name will be in lights again, you’ll be so happy; your enemies will run in fright, they will be chastised.

ME: Wow, what a testament. Thank you Marilyn, rest in peace. We might speak again another day. {End channeling, end Chapter 11}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

CHARACTERS IN MY LIFE

Chapter 10 – The Names I Gave Characters in My Life

– Early Life

Here are the theatrical names I gave the significant people in my life & why:

MEDUSA: Is Mom, in fact, she gave this name to herself {as I channeled} to personify her bad traits, each snake coming out of her head is a vice, such as: Serial abortionist {7}, liar, deceiver, traitor, abuser, animal abuser, psychopath…… Wikipedia: “one of the three monstrous Gorgons, generally described as winged human females with living venomous snakes in place of hair. Those who gazed into her eyes would turn to stone.”

DON QUIXOTE &/or SIR LANCELOT: Is Dad. First, because he pursued an impossible dream of happiness with Mom – she didn’t love him after the first year, but he wouldn’t leave her. Second, he was a great ‘Knight’ like Sir Lancelot, but he was flawed, not a perfect Saint. Wikipedia: “Just as Shakespeare wrote in no genre, Don Quixote is tragedy as well as comedy.”…..

SANCHO PANZA: Marius Bernotas, the new lover / live in boy friend of Mom, who lived with us for maybe two years, then Dad got us a farm, where we lived with Marius – Dad was supposed to join us but never did. Dad was living in a dream created by Mom – that they were still a couple, she was not having sex with Marius, & this was perpetrated by her probably to retain support. This dream died after a year when she told him she couldn’t stand him any more. Mom told Dad that her latest child was his, while she told Marius the same thing – each man believed it & tug-of-wars ensued with shouting matches of ‘Give me my child!’

I named Marius Sancho Panza as he followed Dad in the dream that could never be; he was led by foolish notions & got fooled. I was with Dad when he went to Marius to offer room & board with us for $6 a week {in 1951 or “52.} Marius didn’t know what he was getting into. Mom had first an affair with our young priest but tired of him, then she picked on Marius, the Church organist. Marius was handsome I thought, but emotionally excitable. I liked him, as I liked most people. I did not then even imagine Mom having an affair with him—I didn’t know what sex was, being 6. Sancho Panza, by following Don Quixote, thought he would achieve something, but there was no success, Marius suffered, had a nervous meltdown of sorts when he chased Mephisto {explained below} down the street with a knife, then got thrown out of our house into a tiny room behind the garage, where he played the piano reverberating through the night. He was never allowed in the house again, eventually leaving us. Last time I saw him I was maybe 10 years old, bumped into him on the street in Freehold, he had no teeth, seemed desperate for some sort of contact / connection / love, but it wasn’t to be. All that hard work! He worked his fingers to the bone on the ‘homestead,’ & after a while, we couldn’t make it, he held down two jobs, all for naught.

MEPHISTOPHELES: A young woman fifteen years my senior – they adopted her from Lithuania, a distant relative, as she lost her parents to the war. She became the best friend of Mom, Medusa Jr. of sorts, brainwashed by her as was my brother. She was a bully, mostly a good person but sided with Mom in demoralizing me. She did good things but believed in Mom’s version of reality in exchange for what? Number 2 position in Mom’s Mafia, Godmother 1 & 2. Forty two years after Mom’s death, she still maintains that Mom & bro, the two abusers, were good guys. So of course the abuse I got was warranted, except, she claims, there was no abuse, I am a liar & deluded.

Why Mephistopheles? In the story of Faust, Mephistopheles was not Satan but worked for him – he collected the doomed souls. And so, this person was not the original leader but influenced & controlled the weaklings & sheep, all of whom knew ‘what side their bread was buttered on.’ After Mom’s death ‘Mempho’ {for short}, maintained the party line. It was politically correct to go against Rasa & you were doomed if you were for her. None of them wanted to be ‘outside’ the family graces, so they obeyed.

PAUL BUNYAN: My Uncle Henry, who I adored along with Aunt Dagmar, his wife. He was a jolly, fun-loving, life of the party guy, handsome, charming, masculine, up to a lot of hard work or even a good fight if warranted. He played the accordion at all our festivities, he joked, he was physically strong, worked like a horse, besides a full-time job, built a second floor onto their house as well as a two-car garage & beautiful stone walls around their driveway. He was admirable in many ways. His one flaw is he helped thwart my relationship with a handsome young, wealthy boy named Danny Grant – he was jealous. Then after a falling out with my Aunt over this episode, he took me on a ‘ride’ & was planning to rape me, but my guardian angels stopped him.

He’s Paul Bunyan because of masculine qualities.

I might add that he hated my Mom because Mom tried to break him up with Aunt Dagmar when they were courting. He knew, like my Dad did, that I was being abused by Mom but did nothing about it. No one wanted to ‘get into trouble’ for standing up for me.

UGLY STEPMOTHER from Cinderella: My Aunt Dagmar who turned ugly on me when I turned teenager. Her hatred of me came from Mom, a victim of brainwash. She also hated sex – anyone that had sex outside of marriage was evil {except Mom} – & being in the adult trade, showing one’s body nude or dancing nude on stage – was a major sin. God would not have anything to do with such people. She also was prejudiced against just about everyone, minorities, blacks, Puerto Ricans, people who dreamed dreams or had mystical qualities or visions were crazy. I had first known her with great love & was really sad to see her turn against me. She did not speak to me for 23 years because of Mom. I broke the ice when my husband died, called her, she was by now ready to bury the hatchet. She said she didn’t know I was being abused. Did she ever ask? No, they all listened to my Mom, took her side as the truth without ever questioning me – Only Uncle Henry & Dad knew she was lying, but neither one of them ever asked me anything. They knew if they knew the details they might have to do something, & God forbid they’d get into trouble for helping me, so better not ask.

Mom used her for money the way she often did to people. I was there when Bro Jimmy had spent 3 weeks in the hospital with pneumonia. Mom asked Dagmar to pick him up. But they would not release him unless his bill was paid. It was 16k – in 1960 that would be $145,510.81 & DAGMAR WROTE A CHECK FOR IT! She seemed shocked but didn’t know what to do – what a sucker she was.

Later Mom wanted to buy my brother a business & there was a lady in her employ at the Reader’s Digest who liked him. She conned her into borrowing 10k from her – which in 1963 today is worth $87,972. She never paid her back. But Dagmar did repay her from Mom’s estate I was told. {From 1963 to 1979 that money could have made her money in the stock market or at least interest – but I’m sure all she got back was the original 10k, if what I’m told is true, that Aunt Dagmar paid her.}

RIGOLETTO: Was my evil brother, who was never a brother to me but an enemy. He was a weakling, a loser, his whole life amounted to Mr. Ordinary, & that, only because he was given a business & a wife, had he not been spoiled & supported by Mom & Mephisto, it would have been worse. So being propped up, he made it through. But he started life in High School with a flash. Captain of the football team, President of his class, salutatorian because he was President, he was popular & a big snob who pretended he didn’t know me when passing in the hall. He spent that year we were in H.S. together bringing Mom inflated & twisted stories about me, which she conveyed to Dad to show his love on me was wasted.

Our years together were a mixed bag. We played all the games – volleyball, baseball, horseshoe, croquet, bows & arrows {which we made ourselves}, all kinds board games, wrestling in the wheat field. He was the partner that helped hone my physical skills.

But he also had no heart. At age 10 he got a stick & they gave him a pocket knife. He got a bright idea: Whittle that stick into a spear with a 5” head, con Rasa to run with it spear up, pointed at her crotch, the cobblestones will stop her at some point, the spear will impale her by her vagina – what fun. My being only 7, I fell into his trap, wanting to prove I could run & not hit a cobblestone, I did as he suggested. Boom, of course I was eventually stopped, but the dear Lord diverted that spear from my crotch to my left thigh, making a flesh wound that was halfway or more through my leg. Mom did not take me to the doc for fear bro would get into trouble, she poured a bottle of iodine on it & put me to bed – it took weeks to heal, not being sewn up, the biggest scab anyone ever saw. I was at a pool with the scab & dozens of kids came by to see it, it was so enormous. I didn’t go into the water because of it, of course, just sat there.

He did many other cruel things, explained in Part 2 of my life. He is Rigoletto because he was a cruel jester {in an opera by Verdi}. He wanted to take revenge on someone but it backfired on him. My brother wanted to hurt me, & did hurt me, but God protected me; Whereas my bro was accident prone, lost a finger in his teens, then an eye – half his face collapsed from that – was that his karma for evil? He was voted ‘Most likely to succeed’ in school – what a joke.

Because of family he graduated college – he did not work his way through, he was given room & board & whatever by them, but he could not get a job with his degree, applying for ‘editor’ type work. He tried to sell Kirby vacuum cleaners but never sold ONE. He opened up a landscape / lawn biz, but that failed. Not until Mom bought him a floristry business did he do ok for a while, but it never flourished, just coasted through.

He also could not get himself a wife. When he took females out he never spoke – the strong, silent type – haha, or is it the weak, dumb type? I know this for sure as you could not carry on an intelligent conversation with him & he never spoke when he drove me some place, {usually Church every Sunday, he was one of those fakes who goes to Church out of habit} he would obsessively turn the radio dial back & forth, back & forth, tires squealing as he went around curves & trying to hit any rabbit that might cross the road. In the 90’s I found the numbers of my old school chums– 6 or 7 of them. Two of the females, who were the most beautiful girls in my class – Barbara & Sally {will not give last names to retain their privacy} said they dated him! That turned my stomach, to imagine him groping them. They both said it was spooky as he never said a word! {It seems appropriate to add here that there were several attractive, interesting males in his class, but did he fix me up with them? Indeed, he did the opposite, pretended he didn’t even know me, shunned me when we met in school!}

Here comes Mom to save the day. There was a wonderful, beautiful female working under her employ at the Reader’s Digest, a secretary, bro’s age. She fixed them up, they got married & had three lovely children. If it wasn’t for Mom, Mephisto, & this good wife, would have become of him? Probably a bum / alcoholic on skid row or the like – he went to AA to get their ‘cure’.

PS He did get to Heaven where he’s eternally next to Mom or in the ‘same space’. I saw that from ages ago – her waiting for him – he was the only person she ever loved. And God showed them where I was – in a bright light in the lap of Pope Pius XII representing Our Lord. We were in a theater, I on the stage with the Holy Father, they in the balcony in a DIM LIGHT. God wanted me to see where they were in Heaven, & wanted them to see who it was they abused. So they saw.

Later Mom appeared in a dream offering something that I think represented love, it was a garment over the body like a sweater, a gift for me. And bro showed me a green salad, to say, ‘Look at my victory; I made it,’ rejoice with me.’ OK, I’m glad you guys made it.

Then after that he appeared to me twice. The first time I only heard his voice & he said, ‘Help my children.’ I thought he meant with money, so I declined, after all, they weren’t even friendly to me. I hold no hard feelings, I told him, but I don’t care to give your kids money. {Sure, if they were kind to me, kept in touch, greeted me for Christmas & Holidays at least, I’d splurge on them – but they don’t. All the youth of our family treat me, one of my friends said, ‘Like you don’t exist.’ And some of them I was sending big bucks to, then I stopped, as they didn’t even say ‘thanks’ – I had to ask them, ‘Did you get the check for 6k?’ & they’d make excuses to say why they were too busy to let me know or say Merry Christmas – too busy to send an e mail! – So no kindness, no money for you.}

But then he appeared again while we were in a prayer group, & asked again ‘Help my children,’ & then I knew he meant spiritually. So of course I am sending them Spiritual Grace, whether they accept it or not is up to them. There are more details on him in Book 2, where I channel him, it’s eye opening. Case closed.

OTHELLO: My first husband, an evil man, he’s Othello because he tried to strangle me TWICE, my Guardian Angels saved me. The second time I grabbed the baby & ran, got the super of the building to go back in with me while I collected my things, took a cab to a motel in far off Hollywood, & got a job working as a model {you will see the images of me age 20 in these books—in a sense, lucky that I left him at that time & had to work that way, as images are forever – & they voted me ‘one of the most beautiful women of the ages’ in St. Martin’s Press because of it.} I went back to care take him because he got a third bout of cancer. For my reward he – just before dying – cancelled his life insurance, leaving the baby & me penniless. I mean with less than 5 bucks to my name. {He was revengeful for what I did not do – I’d been raped & impregnated by Mr. Southern California, Bill McCardle, on a modeling job – he wanted to believe it was consensual. So I got punished again & again, getting raped, getting pregnant by it, then the life insurance cancelled because of it.}

He spent 55 years in Purgatory paying for his sins. He ascended the day I told God I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. I had been seeing him in Purgatory for 36 years but the visions were unpleasant, he still harbored hate toward me {the last straw was when God told him I married a second time, & my good husband left me a huge sum of money – & this made him not glad but ANGRY} – So I said to God not to show him to me again. But years later I rescinded that; 55 years gone by, my charity caused his ascension. There’s more on this creature in Part 2 of my life including channeling – greatly revealing, amazingly, he informed me he was TWICE AS BAD AS MY MOM – look how long I spent in Purgatory, twice her time. I agreed but what a stretch, like saying ‘I was twice as bad as Hitler.’

SAINT ESQUIRE: A best friend, attorney, who did marvelous things for me, treated me like a Queen, made me a birthday cake one year {to make up for the one Mom refused to accept, that my gf baked!}, carried my luggage up six flights of stairs when I returned from a job. He took me out every weekend for months – {I was celibate, platonic.} We used to meet at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel {had drinks, once ate at their ‘Bull & Bear’ restaurant}, usually went elsewhere for dinner, went to shows, theater, all the things New York has to offer. He was a total gentleman & restored my self esteem as a woman. This made up for so many pains & put downs from family & other creeps. He remained my best friend for ten years; he helped me build my lucrative business. I will speak more of him elsewhere.

THE GENTLE GIANT: This was my second & sainted husband, Richard Von Werder. He & St. Esquire made up in a huge way, the many transgressions done to me. He treated me like royalty, he helped me so much I can’t even count the ways, & when sadly, he died, in my house, of a heart attack, he provided for me for the rest of my life. Through him God compensated me for much suffering – Will be more on him elsewhere.

MY ‘FRED ASTAIRE’: Not the real Fred Astaire – {I saw the real one once in Beverly Hills, I was leaving a bank with a long, wide set of polished cement stairs – he bounded up sprightly, just like his movies, I stared.} This is a friend who reminds me of Fred. Fred could & would do anything – sing, act & dance, & my friend Jack also did anything for me, & was voted ‘The Best Slave of the Year’ by Hustler Erotic Video. He was also charming, sweet, affable, with a terrific sense of humor, & while he was with me, made my life 10 times easier. I shall never forget the time he spent 3 months with me in the summer. He cleaned my house, including the windows, then he acted in my videos where he did anything called for, no matter how strange, like pretending to let a female put out a lighted cigarette in his mouth {we put water in his mouth ahead of time.} He helped me with production of the videos – Then the ‘piece de resistance.’ I had been trying to move out of Brooklyn with dozens of car treks as well as a van & a truck. We had made a dozen trips, my male friends & I. But still, the furniture was there. I was so exhausted from all this I couldn’t take it any more. I told Jack ‘You have to do something for me, & I really need this favor, it’s serious.’ He awaited my command. ‘You have to get me out of B’klyn, all the furniture & appliances.’ What did he say? It was yes, & he got me out of B’klyn, finally! This man could & would do anything for me – one in a million! He’s alive & well working with baseball players in Florida, the greatest of men.

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

PRIESTS & PROSTITUTES

Continue Chapter 9 – Priests & Prostitutes 6-14-21

Before I get to the ideal priest & friend, who did not share 99% of the world’s condemnation & judgment of those in the adult trade, I have one more priest to harp on.

I shall call him ‘Fr Vivacious’ of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Church in Greenpoint, B’klyn, close to where I lived. I had been going to the Lithuanian Church called Annunciation, only 3 blocks from me & enjoyed it much – the ambience of a Gothic, old-fashioned edifice is the best.

But I switched to Our Lady of Mt Carmel Church, can’t recall why, which was 5 blocks away, in the Italian neighborhood – wanted to try it at first because Our Lady of Mt Carmel is the day I was born – July 16.

{In fact, it comes to important attention that I was born on the terrible day the first atomic bomb was dropped in White Sands, New Mexico, 1945, but also the day of the Lady who is Peace. This striking contradiction has a lot to do with my earthly mission – to help end this age of war & bring about peace – the way it is being done is known by God & God alone pulls the strings. But I was part of it in giving the speech in front of the White House on June 16, 1978. Our Lady of Fatima’s message was mine – She asked that we pray the rosary for the conversion of Russia, or ‘Nations will be annihilated.’ At the time we were in a terrible Cold War, both we & Russia were in an arm’s race that could blow up the whole world, the peace movement was desperate. Our Lady stepped in; She had many times before, to prevent this – which would have been World War III. She chose me to give her speech. She said, ‘in the end, my Immaculate heart will Triumph.’

Amazing things happened, such as a Pope from behind the Iron Curtain being elected! Reagan & Gorbachev were important factors. The Pope being shot, surviving, & the minute he wakes up he ASKS FOR THE PAPERS ON FATIMA! He has the bullet they removed from him inserted into the CROWN OF OUR LADY OF FATIMA! And then HE CONSECRATES RUSSIA TO THE IMMACULATE HEART OF MARY! I give the entire story on my website called Kellie Everts or I Strip for God – this account is also featured in a couple of my books.}

I became friends with Father Vivacious some time before 1978 because when I went to dance at the Playboy Club for 3 months, I recall writing him a letter to ask his advice. He answered me & what struck me as odd is that he did not SIGN the letter, only TYPED his name! {So if anyone criticized him for writing a letter to me he could deny it?}

I recall I told him my time in Chicago would be dedicated to missionary work; I would use it as an opportunity. Every Sunday we were off, & so, I got literature printed up on how to say the rosary & stood on the street {not too warm in Jan., sometimes, a biting cold wind on the streets of Chicago!} handing this out to people. This went on maybe 3 weeks – I had 3 months so there was time – but one day, an inner voice said to me,

“Stop handing out the literature.”

I thought it must be the devil saying this, so I continued, but now, no one – not one single soul – would take my tracts.

I then decided maybe it was God, & right nearby was a modern Cathedral. I went there, sat to the back left, remember clearly, and said to God,

“Ok, if you don’t want me to hand out literature, what do you want me to do?”

The answer was,

“Go to the media, the newspapers, Television, & ask to be interviewed. You’ll reach many more people that way.”

“But who will be interested?” I said, & the answer was,

“You haven’t tried.”

Ok, I had my marching orders. Then began the biggest effort on my part I had ever conducted, to get the news to my side. I first contacted the Chicago Press Bulletin, the biggest paper, & got the syndicated columnist, Bob Greene, to do a story. It was sensational, & that was only the beginning.

After that, I appeared in every publication in Chicago, even the black paper, the Chicago Defender. I did every talk show being conducted in Chicago, & not only that, I went to the office of the managing editor of Playboy & convinced him to do another story. He at first objected, but I kept asking & he finally gave in, & not only was one story done, but they put me in ‘sex in the news’ several times after that plus a pic of me after I preached in front of the White House.

The TV shows, I got copies, & they were played in the lounge of the Playboy club where the whole cast could see them. Were some of them jealous! They claimed I was only ‘working to publicize myself’ instead of the show’ but I was working for God. I blitzed Chicago early in 1978. I proved to myself what could be done if I tried.

But that is not the story I intended to write here. I wanted to explain how Father Vivacious betrayed me as everyone else had done, for being in the adult trade.

When I got back to New York City, I was contacted by a new TV show they were going to syndicate, called ‘National Graffiti.’ I let them film me – this was seen by producer George Schlatter, who had a giant hit with ‘Laugh In’. Because of my story he took over this show & turned it into ‘Real People’ – I was the first star.

‘Real People’ opened up my segment with me climbing the steps of the modern Church, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, where I used to chat with Father Vivacious in his office.

But when the show hit the air, the Italians who were the parishioners, were shocked that I, a woman in the adult trade, dare to enter their Church, & have myself filmed climbing their steps. They felt invaded & violated by this scarlet woman. How dare Father Vivacious be friends with me!

I recall around the same time, I was playing basketball with boys in the grounds of a nearby religious building; a man came out & said I shouldn’t be there playing ball with young men because I had posed nude in Playboy! {None of us listened to him & kept playing.}

From then on, I was frozen out. I’d call Fr V & he’d be out, or busy. This happened time & time again, until I finally got the hint, he didn’t want me there or couldn’t. Perhaps the new Pastor forbid it.

I met the new man in a local bakery; he introduced himself to me sounding proud of his position,

“I am the new Pastor at Our Lady of Mt Carmel.’

And when I went to the Church he was there & stopped me, saying,

“Fr Vivacious has to go have dinner now, it’s important to keep up his health – he must eat well.”

They were both FAT. I thought of St. Francis of Assisi & other saints – they did not eat well, it was not a rule of the Church. I was also told this, I know its gossip but I’m not giving names. A secretary that worked there told me she had seen the Pastor & Fr V kissing one another. I objected, saying,

“It was a brotherly kiss.”

But she said,

“No, it was on the lips.”

I figured she was nuts, but after a year I was saddened to hear Fr V was gone, he’d been sent to a ‘rest’ or ‘rehab’ center’ by the Church {the Pastor said so from the pulpit, yes, I still went to Mass there} – don’t know where or what happened, still saddened that he froze me out of his life because of people’s criticism. But the point here is that only Jesus Christ, & those like him, defend the ‘woman caught in adultery.’ The rest throw stones, why do I expect any better? It’ll never end, it will always be the same, people are brainwashed by Patriarchy, until Matriarchy emerges, we will be slut shamed & ostracized, get used to it, Rasa. No exceptions. But remember Jesus said,

“Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone,’ and also, to the Pharisees,

“The prostitutes will go into Heaven before you.”

Fr. Depaul Genska – Jesus Comes to Life

Which brings me to Fr Depaul Genska. He was the most wonderful Christlike figure. He came to visit me several times, & even came to where I worked in New York, & visited me in Chicago.

This is the favorite quote I have of his. I told him my Aunt Ara chided me for praying for my Mom as she was dying of cancer, she said,

“How dare you pray, god will not hear you BECAUSE YOU SELL YOUR BODY!”

I TOLD THIS TO Fr Depaul and he said,

“And SCHOOL TEACHERS SELL THEIR BRAINS.”

Fr Depaul became involved with prostitutes when two of them hitch hiked a ride & got into his vehicle, introduced themselves to him. They became friends. He studied how to help the working women, wrote a great thesis, {he gave me his syllabus or course & said I could do with it what I will. I plan to publish it some day} & began to teach this ministry at Catholic Theological Union. There he not only spoke in a classroom setting, but took people ‘on the stroll’ to the habitats where these therapists worked.

He was totally non judgmental & non condemnatory – & he concluded, as many of those educated have, WE ARE ALL PROSTITUTES.

But Cardinal Cody {Chicago’s Cardinal who went down in scandal later on} ‘didn’t understand.’ & at one point took away his ‘faculties,’ which means prevented him from acting as a priest – which rendered him unemployed. Luckily, he had a priest friend who gave him work on the sly at his church.

In conclusion & in honor of Fr. Depaul I will give some info about him following – He died in 2010 I just found out:

Depaul (nee: George) was born on May 5, 1931 in Syracuse NY. He died Sept. 13, 2010 at the Holy Name Friary in Ringwood, N.J., age 79, {RIP dear friend.}

George entered the minor Franciscan seminary in Callicoon, NY, in third year high school (1947). He received his further education in the seminary system of Holy Name Franciscan Province. In the novitiate he took the name “Depaul” after St. Vincent de Paul; and “Anthony” after St. Anthony of Padua.

Depaul was ordained on April 25, 1958. After several ministerial assignments on the east coast, he enrolled in September 1978 at Catholic Theological Union in Chicago. CTU is a school of ministry in the Catholic tradition. His studies concentrated on how to minister with persons in the sex industry. Depaul became involved with persons in prostitution in June 1972 in New York City. He received a MTS degree (Masters in Theological Studies) in 1980. For his MTS thesis, he designed a course on “The Dynamics of Heterosexal* Prostitution”. He taught the initial course during the Spring Quarter of 1980.

While at CTU, providentially, Depaul met a lay missionary from England. She had similar interests as Depaul in heterosexual prostitution. In October 1983, they founded Genesis House – a place of hospitality and nurturing for women in prostitution who earnestly desire to change their life-style.

Depaul prefers to call prostitution not just female prostitution but rather heterosexual prostitution. There are more men involved in “female” prostitution than there are women. For every woman (prostitute) there are conservatively ten men – customers, pimps. Without the demand on the men’s part, there would be no supply on the women’s part. Thanks to Dr. Jean-Guy Nadeau for this insight……Prostitution is older than Christianity!

PS The End of Professor Catholic & Me

{written 6-18-21}

To explain how the great professor at two Universities, was fazed out of my life. I might add that I was praying with him every Sunday for 3 years – he was my best friend as I had no one else at the time {my choice – because why? I only wanted to talk about God.}

Prof Fish {meaning Christian} liked me a lot, at first just platonic friend, later, there was indication he was trying to win me as a female – {that of course was nipped in the bud for more than one reason. One, I was celibate, two, not attracted to him & three, he was married.} He did get the hint & behaved thereafter. I know you’re curious. OK, so I might as well explain. One evening he called me & said he was stuck in the city, could he sleep in my place? He was too tired to take the train home {somewhere upstate I think.} A bit nervous, I said yes. He came over, & when he saw I arranged a spot for him on the couch, he wasn’t ‘tired’ any more & left – ha-ha.

The Prof. read my writings on the Divine Stigmata & said they deserved to be published – but time dragged on, he never did anything about it. I knew of one company that published such books – ‘Cross Roads.’ So, tired of waiting for him, I sent my work to them & unfortunately, included an image of myself {fully clothed} as well as I was a friend of Prof. Fish.

And so Prof Fish calls me soon after that, with trembling voice, tells me he walked into Cross Roads one day {he was on their board of directors} & they asked him how did he know THE STRIPPER KELLIE EVERTS? Someone recognized me! {Yes I was foolish to reveal myself to some degree, but you’re young & dumb before getting old & wise} & at that very moment, I knew it was over between us.

I didn’t even bother to call him. I figured if he called me & tried to remain friends, we’d do so. But he didn’t seem eager to keep talking, so I saw the writing on the wall & knew another day, another ostracism. Three years my best friend, gone in one day – the woman ‘caught in the adult trade’ stoned against the wall by the men, none of whom was without sin.

I will channel Prof. Fish. Although I couldn’t find his obituary, he’s probably dead as he’d be over 100 now. OK, Prof. Fish, were you through with me when the publishers confronted you with my being a stripper?

PROF. FISH: It was a sad day for me, as I really liked you. I felt on some level that you had deceived me, but I also knew you had to, as if you had told me the truth from the get go, our friendship could not have transpired, we could not have related as we did, I would have seen you as a sex object & I would have been afraid to be seen with you in public. As sad as it was, I knew we had to part – my profession & yours didn’t mix.

ME: Did you not see, however, that you were going against the teachings of Jesus Christ by being afraid to be friends with someone in the adult trade? And didn’t you feel that hurting me would be wrong? You knew I was an authentic saintly person, you knew my experiences were real & my Divine Stigmata was real – you did believe in me. {You asked me the foolish question, did the Stigmata hurt, but you didn’t ask me to explain it.}

So here’s an authentic spiritual mystic you’re friends with, but she just happens to have to make a living dancing & showing her body – not because she wants to or gets a thrill out of it – because she has to to make a living – & you know this woman for three years, you know she is none of those wicked things society blames us for. We had prayed together for 3 years. And yet, in one moment, the entire relationship is over, you repudiate me, I am no good to be friends with. Don’t you see how spiritually wrong that is, that you couldn’t put your morality where your titles were? Your being a leader of spirituality was a sham.

PROF FISH: Yes, I was a sham. I was book learned in spirituality, I could answer most questions, but I could not do what a saint would do. I was one of those people who was pleased to be a high-standing member of society, people respected me – they did not respect you. But who will have a higher place in Heaven? Many women in the adult trade, bordellos, street walkers & the like, have better places in Heaven than the one who were respected. Some of these women are saints, but no one believes it. The world’s judgments are not God’s, I was of the world, respected & loved, you were & are by some, looked down upon. You are in a safer spiritual place than the respectable. Don’t be sad or depressed for how people treat you; represent God, that is all. Don’t pay attention to people is the best advice anyone can get – people know nothing, God knows all. Amen. {End channeling}

ME: You speak the truth, Prof., thanks, & RIP.

PS Fr. DePaul Needs My Prayers re a Woman

An interesting incident with Fr. DePaul. One day he came to my place in Brooklyn & asked me for prayer. He was in trouble. A woman he’d befriended had been after him for marriage- a black lady. I told him, why don’t you tell her you can’t as you’re a priest? He said he couldn’t do that – but didn’t explain why.

That to me didn’t make sense as I thought all the women he ministered to knew he was a celibate priest. So to try to frame it in my mind I figured he ministered to women, not always revealing being a priest for some reason. In those days, the 70’s none of us devout Catholics ever thought of priests breaking their vows or doing anything unGodly like pedophilia. We thought if it happens, it’s rare. Most priests are faithful, some are saints. That’s why a lot of mothers & other people would get mad when a boy or girl told them they’d been messed with by a priest – it was unbelievable, we were mentally unready to accept such a thing.

So I fervently prayed with & for Fr. Depaul about the lady. The next time I saw him I asked, what happened with her? He said HE NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN. So the prayer worked.

It was years later that I mused about the subject & thought is there some kind of possibility that Fr. had SEX with any of these women? Not that I judged or condemned him, just wondered. Could it be why Cardinal Cody took his faculties away, because he found out? As prior to that, just teaching, ministering & taking people ‘on the stroll’ would not warrant defrocking him from priesthood. I decided to channel Fr. DePaul. I asked him, why did he want to minister to prostitutes? He answered:

FR. DEPAUL: It was fun, more fun than being with fuddy duddy priests all the time, the women’s lives were colorful, dramatic, & I was a part of them.

ME: Did you have sex with any of them or serious affairs?

FR. DEPAUL: I had relationships with them, mostly platonic. They saw me as a ‘Father figure,’ one who would stand by them, help in emergencies, there was not much hanky panky going on, it was 95% ministry, maybe some fun once in a while, which was not the main part of my activities or focus.

ME: Enough said. I do believe sincerely that priests should be allowed marriage, or date & have sex if they wish {sex between consenting adults is not a sin} – they’re human. And of course, they should ordain women. The Catholic Church will not remain forever with their policies, Patriarchy is phasing out, matriarchy is coming in, & no matter how powerful this Church is now, it will fade out. Thanks for your friendship, Father & RIP. He thanks me & says he’s looking out for me, to continue doing my work as it’s blessed. {End Chapter 9}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Creepiest Club Owner & Ostracism

Creepiest Club Owner - Ostracism - Priests & Nuns 6-13-21

It was toward the end of my dancing career of 21 years – Six years as a go go dancer in Southern California, then 15 years from Coast to Coast & the last few years, mostly Canada, my last job when I bowed out was 1987 {was still in great demand, got the highest offers I’d ever gotten.} It was 1984 when I met the creepiest club owner I’d ever met, & it was a strange occurrence, as when I got into town for some reason I said,

“I will never live in a place like this”

Can’t recall why my aversion. It’s an ordinary small city. Maybe because it is ordinary & I lived in the hot spots of California {Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, Beverly Hills & Hollywood} & then New York City {not hot where I lived in Williamsburg but I visited the best places in New York – dated men who took me to the Waldorf, the Plaza, 5^th Avenue eateries, & posh spots on the East Side; I used to go to the Metropolitan Opera House {was in love with Franco Corelli, – a handsome man who sold tickets at the box office said I was too beautiful to pay, gave me a free pass for myself with guests for the season!} often as well as concerts & Broadway Shows.} One of my boyfriends had a pad on Sutton Place with his own elevator – Dr. Robert Atkins the diet doctor, a steady lived in Forest Hills & I spent much time there. {Not doing sex, I was celibate} Yes, I was comfortable with high brows or low brows, my life made me versatile & open minded with all.

And in 1989, I end up moving there, by the Grace of God, with a splendid property. God especially designated it for me – it was everything I ever dreamed of & it became my own private hermitage where I spent like 22 years celibate {30 years counting Brooklyn} & 10 years as a cougar!

The Nuns Who Turn Down my Application

The second strange occurrence was that I went to a convent {in that area} three nuns ran – they call it a ‘monastery’ – I went to visit them, they were looking for a new member, I wrote them later to apply – they turned me down. I had forgot about the nuns & their monastery until I had settled in to my new place. Then someone mentioned them & it rang a bell. I was told ‘these nuns produce their own wine,’ & I went there again. Sadly, by now they had found out I was a stripteaser & so, in their eyes I was not a good person, I got the cold shoulder.

Back to Mr. Creepy. I had negotiated with him over the phone, & he was one of those types that would browbeat & bamboozle you & impossible to get a good deal. We argued & argued & I had to give in as he wouldn’t budge, my salary then was between $1,500 to $2,500 in America & $2,500 to $3k in Canada {US dollars, paid by the day in my contract as I’d been ripped off by owners at the end of the week!} but he’d only agree to $1,200.

I Call the Police on Creepy

I was a blockbuster attraction when the local paper did a front-page story on me as the ‘Stripper for God.’ It was standing room only, & he charged $5 to get in. At the end of the week I knew he’d ripped me off & told him I was not going to do the second week. He went crazy. We were in the office, he started shouting & throwing things & pushing furniture about, I was so spooked out I ran out the door.

My motel was across the street. I was afraid to go back to his place to pick up my costumes, so I called the police & persuaded them to go with me. One nice highway patrol man was my escort.

But then Creepy, who knew he’d make big bucks with me the second week, sent his sainted wife. She said that her husband was all bluff & noise, he wouldn’t lay a hand on me, & she promised he wouldn’t come near me again; she herself would be there every night to protect me. Reluctantly, I stayed.

I had a co-star & an mc, both of whom were black. I asked them what they were paid – so I wasn’t the only one being cheated. It was $150 a week, believe it or not. I augmented their salaries with $100 each & brought the man food as he said he was starving every night – there were no eateries around. Someone drove me to a grocery store where I loaded up on non perishable snacks for myself & the co workers, boxes of crackers, sardines, munchies.

How & Why I Met the Nuns

There’s a good anecdote regarding the nuns – how & why I met them. {Through a Professor at a Catholic University I shall explain.}

During the year 1981 I was in total seclusion for the sake of God, to find Oneness with her, & I did become ONE. I entered Heaven, I saw her Face to Face.

During this time I wanted to discuss Mystical Theology with those who were learned. I wished to speak of nothing but God, & my knowledge of her was exalted & mystical – it wasn’t a subject for regular folk. So I started to call Catholic & Episcopalian Universities & places of learning, & spoke to educators & priests. I clearly recall three people I spoke to, one a priest, one an Episcopalian minister, & three a Professor at a top Catholic University.

The Priest spoke to me briefly, then excused himself as he had a class – did not seem interested in another conversation. The Episcopal minister was lovely & we spoke of ‘Imitation of Christ’ by Thomas A Kempis – but he insisted for further conversations we had to meet in person. This made me suspicious that he might see me as ‘sex object’ so that ended it for me.

A Top Catholic Professor Becomes my Best Friend

The third person I made a big score with. He became my best friend {I had no other friends, told everyone not to contact me} for three years. We spoke on the phone several times, he quizzed me to see if I really knew my spirituality, & I passed. Let me see if I recall his test. It was about St. Francis of Assisi, his vision of Christ Crucified. He asked me what it meant. I meditated a short time & called him back with this, {I speak approximately, this is a memory of 40 years ago}

“The Cross showed him how it feels to be helpless. The feet are nailed, so the person cannot go anywhere. The hands are nailed, so they cannot do anything. They are utterly at the mercy of fate, they can relay on no one but God, they have nothing but God.”

He seemed mightily surprised that my insight was that good. We became phone friends, & spoke & prayed together every week. He invited me for lunch at his University – & yes, he seemed surprised that I was so attractive, although I dressed down. It took me 2 ½ hours by subway to Fordham University – he was important there. He also taught at Columbia.

And so, our friendship was mostly phone but we met like three times for lunch at the school or ordinary places.

He said I had a greater ability to pray than anyone he had met. And once, he was in a stressful state & called me especially for prayer – & said it healed him.

And so, eventually I had to leave my place of seclusion & go back to work. How I loathed that! Being back in the world was a gross vibration, speaking to people who are not with God is a great penance, the world is filled with those who are not saints & never will be, don’t want to be. Most humans are lower than animals – animals are nice. The saints all said the majority of humans go to hell! Therefore, most humans we deal with are spiritually dead, living zombies, alive in flesh, dead in spirit, dangerous energies. And we have to feel these energies – this is not fun. So sadly, I am back in the world.

After a while, I was booked with the Creepy man who owned this place in the ordinary city. I told my Saint Professor that I gave LECTURES on spirituality – that I would be booked here & there, & he believed me. It wasn’t a total lie, as I did give sermons before I danced. But I knew to tell him I was a stripteaser might end our friendship – people in ‘respectable professions’ & that includes priests, don’t want the public to know they’re friends with us. Even if we don’t commit what is perceived as ‘sin’ people don’t give the benefit of the doubt & razz or tease the respectable person, or even judge & condemn them of being guilty.

{Recently I met a saintly priest – definitely saintly because I saw blue light when he prayed for me – he brought Holy Communion to me in the hospital. He’s a Hindu, I’ll call him Father Karing – I love him & gave him $100 each time he brought Communion. We were supposed to meet near my house when he came to this area. But then, there was a Reality TV show interviewing me – they wanted to speak with folks who knew me, to be on the show. I asked him if he could talk on Skype with them. He told me our friendship has to remain PRIVATE & he never called again.}

I shall channel a friend of mine in Heaven, Saint Padre Pio, about this subject. Holy Father, it hurts to be ostracized. How do you explain God putting me in this profession where I would be shunned, no matter what I do? I always think things will be different when people get to know me; they never are. Just now in the last year I became friends with two women who own shops in a nearby mall. At first, the one was nice. I dreaded to tell her or anyone about me – who I was. Eventually I did, & sure enough, she turned cold on me – especially when I showed her a couple of my books which contain nudity.

The same thing happened with my present hairdresser. We were good buddies for two years. Then she got a second employee in the shop, & business increased, there were often a couple women besides me in the shop where formerly we were alone & we both gossiped about everything. One day, I was talking about sex & child abuse, & a female was there whose daughter was there – her daughter is 15 & looked like 18 or more, I hardly paid attention. But this lady called up my hairdresser & complained that I was talking about adult subjects in front of her child, & my hairdresser got upset–not wanting me in her shop. That really hurt because the two of us were close & she told me her secrets & I told her mine – things we don’t tell too many people. But now I’m shunned. And refer also to the previous rebuffs I mentioned.

PADRE PIO {Channeling him or reading his mind}: “My daughter, do not fret about what people do to you on earth, think of your rewards in Heaven. Of course they can’t understand you, as they are brainwashed, frightened sheep. You were abused badly in your early life, but did not God compensate you later? Everything they deprived you of – love, money, resources, were given you abundantly later on. Just so, God will reward you in Heaven, if not on earth, for being misunderstood, ostracized & shunned.

This business you are in, God needed you there to set an example, to liberate others in your position. You must be strong, you have been, you proved a woman in this arena can be a great woman & save souls. Not everyone believes, but many do & many more will after you’re dead & your story is told. Right now people are hysterical about nudity & sex because the patriarchs made them so, but over the years, Patriarchy will crumble & Matriarchy will flourish, & then your example will shine. People will call you an icon of what was to come, & tearing down the walls of prejudice against women & sex. There has to be suffering in a mission like yours, you have to be strong to do it, & you must expect that you push the buttons of hysteria by being in the adult trade. More than anything, they are frightened of being criticized or shunned themselves, so they get rid of you to avoid that.

Be patient, be brave, let God comfort you if people won’t – your rewards in Heaven are great.”

ME: Thank you Padre Pio.

The Priest of Prostitutes

Now we’re on the subject, I must cite one exception, Fr DePaul Genska, the ‘Priest of Prostitutes.’

{To be continued}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

God Manages my Life

Continue Chapter 8

My First Million 6-9-21

As I said, I was floundering. Can’t recall exactly how I started selling pictures. I had a lot of fans & through some articles in magazines, where they allowed me to put my mailing address; I got their letters & started a list.

I also said how I would pay people to take photos of me; I had a lot of them, most of them on chromes or ‘slides.’ Unsatisfied with my stripping career, which was not as busy as I’d liked {I explained all that in detail, how although I made big bucks each week I worked, there weren’t that many jobs, so at the end of the year I didn’t make a lot.}

Now I did something few women would do {will explain further down}. In fact, I have to brag on myself, that of all the women in the adult trade in America – who I knew about – none of them succeeded in building a mail-order business the way I did. I created a ‘cottage industry’ one of my magazine editors called it. It started small but good.

There was one – only one place in the entire city of New York, which had a MACHINE that took slides & pushed out PHOTOS. That machine venue stayed open LATE –until like 12AM.

I would go ON THE SUBWAY, carrying hundreds of slides & hundreds of dollars, & stand at that machine, sometimes for two hours, cranking out those photos, one dollar each. I went late when few people would be there as they interfered with me, I with them –they’d complain to the manager I was there too long & they wanted to jump in.

How did the men choose which photos they wanted? And believe it or not, they paid $5 each & were GLAD to do it. When I first started, I would tell guys ‘Five bucks a picture’ & they’d send me like twenty dollars or more & I would randomly pick out some. But then it got complicated, as they wanted more & more, & how could I recall which ones they already got?

So I took the photos & made them into black & white catalogs – they had to pay for the catalogs. The pics were numbered. Now we were organized, they would tell me the name of the catalog & the numbers they wanted, send the money, I went to the machine, cranked out the pictures & vuallah.

I might add that after a while, the pics had a theme, like ‘Glamour Domination,’ ‘Bun Fetish,’ ‘Leg Fetish,’ ‘Wrestling & Fighting’ ‘Kotex Fetish’ {believe it or not} “Stockings – Garters,’ ‘Mean Women Blues’ ‘Breast Fetish’ – You name it, can’t even recall all the fetishes, we ‘cover a multitude of sins.’

Some things I did other women wouldn’t do. It wasn’t SAFE to go on subways at night, to this store with the machine, back & forth. You had to walk blocks after dark, alone, & you could be attacked – & I’m not talking the classy ‘East Side’ of New York but the business areas as well as Williamsburg when it was still a ‘slum’. But I did what I had to do. Maybe my three angels were working over time. I have to say, that in TWENTY TWO YEARS in New York City, going on subways & walking streets day & night, I was never once attacked in any way.

Part 2 of this enterprise is I had videos from the ‘leg & wrestling’ man. I told you about when I worked on 7^th avenue a producer hired me to do some videos for $500 a day – no sex involved – & I was amazed that this could MAKE A LIVING. He hired me several times, & I made the stipulation that I should receive a video to sell from each job, & he agreed. That was the beginning of the video business. Now I have images & videos for sale to a mail order fan club. I charged $100 for my first videos & they were selling! {$100 in 1987 is $236 in 2021!} Not saying a lot, just sold a few & it was mostly profit as I had already been paid by the producer. My expense of course is I had to buy the vcr’s, the blank video tapes, & my time & energy. This business was a bonanza right from the start – God gave it to me, not to any other woman. Probably my karma.

{The videos I first sold were for fetish men who were into leg worship & wrestling, they were innocent of sex, well done stuff by an intelligent, lovely man who painted great landscapes in oil & listened to opera & classical music.}

Through making these videos, my co star was a guy who knew all about the fetish-domination scene. He’d been married to two dominatrixes & knew the ropes. He also starred in hundreds of these type videos. We became good friends & he explained it to me. These guys – the producer & the friend named Christopher – were instrumental to my success. You have to do research, have knowledge, information, about the business you’re going into, & this was a big chunk of it.

I new nothing about domination or fetishes, but what I learned could fill a book. I will only give some highlights here to make my point of how I segued out of stripping into business & finally made decent money.

Principles of Domination

The female domination business is not real domination, it’s mostly men ‘topping from the bottom.’ That means they tell you what they want & you do it. It’s the same ole’ routine as the straight men wanting to get off, but its submissive men wanting to. They write the script, they explain what has to be done, they pay you, and you do it.

Real, true domination would be Matriarchy, when women take over the family & the world, they make the rules, they hold the seats of power, they run the religions, the institutions, the economy, the schools, the fortune 500 companies – everything. This isn’t it. This is SEX FOR PAY. But it isn’t sexual intercourse – that doesn’t happen much in the business – it’s getting off mostly with masturbation for men.

We women have to learn, now, to be the OPPOSITE of what we were taught as girls – from the time of Jane Austen & before up until the 50’s we were taught to allow them to dominate – laugh at their jokes {especially the bad ones}, to act feminine, to build up their ego, etc. But now it’s this:

‘Don’t let him hold his head higher than yours. Don’t let him sit comfortably on furniture, on the floor. Don’t smile & laugh for him, stay neutral or grim. Put him down, criticize him, bully him, spank him, hit him, beat him up, get a dildo & sodomize him, make him worship you, your boots, lick the bottom of your shoes, spit at him, call him dirty names, humiliate him, etc.’

So now I learned, where once I had to be feminine to make money, I now had to be un-feminine for it, a total new role. I adjusted. And I realized, importantly, that the whole feminine shtick was just that. There was no law from God we had to be feminine, submissive or in any way underlings for men – it was men who invented this act. They told us through Patriarchy we had to be this way, it was the right way, & the ENFORCED IT with UNJUST LAWS, taboos, social etiquette, all sorts of punishments if we disobeyed – Much of the punishment based on OSTRACISM or being MARGINALIZED or UNACCEPTABLE in society, so we’d be pushed to the outskirts, couldn’t get a good husband to help us, wouldn’t be good material for jobs, no support, financial or emotional, all that BULL CRAP.

And now, suddenly, for me, usually feminine like Marilyn Monroe, I am in an UNDERGROUND where I have to be MASCULINE in a sense, for pay. I am now REWARDED to be all the things the mainstream taught NOT TO BE.

What’s funny is that after I got into the business & started producing mega images & videos of domination, for some strange reason, people assumed I was ‘into it.’ They acted as if because I made a living at this, it was my enjoyment or pleasure. It wasn’t. Much of it was ridiculously funny, the laughs I enjoyed. But I never ‘got off’ or had any sort of sexual pleasure from acting out crazy male fantasies & fetishes.

The great thing about the business was the money, the independence, & no one could criticize me, tell me what to do, complain about how I looked or what I did – I was free, I was the boss, I was dominant, & they paid me big money.

Within two years, from 1987 to 1989, I had $200,000 in the bank, {worth $433,062 in 2021} the most money I’d ever had prior to that was 10k, in 1981.

I named the business the ‘Private Fetish Corps,’ our motto, ‘We Cover a Multitude of Sins.’

I was uncertain if I should quit stripping in 1987 & made this deal with God: ‘If I earn $1,000 this week, then it will be a sign from you I should quit stripping & work on this.’

I went each day to the Post Office to count my money. Some of it was in cash, which was great. On the last day, Saturday, I had $940 plus a letter. The letter said,

“I have $60 for you I will send Monday.”

That made, exactly, to the penny, $1,000. I called my agent & quit stripping. It was just then he gave me my most lucrative offers, one for $5,000 a week plus expenses at the ‘Millionaire Club’ some place in Canada, & two the most money ever offered from NEW ZEALAND who wanted me for two weeks for 5k & said I didn’t even have to dance – JUST SPEAK! Wow, unbelievable. I still wish I could have gone to New Zealand to see the country, but God had given me the sign, I quit & that was it.

For ten years, then, I ran the business, it evolved. Everyone I knew in the trade was impressed. Other females had tried mail order & failed. One of them was a famous porn star. Let’s call her Georgia. She invited me to her house to explain what she was doing – but she went bust with mail order & offered me her list.

The first thing she did wrong is she hired a female to do most of the desk work & for a good salary. You have to do it all yourself in the beginning until the biz grows. Then she had a partner with whom any profits were shared. She gave me her list. Glancing at it it had about 750 men, but I noticed lots of prisoners. What’s that all about? I said. She said they FELT SORRY FOR THEM. But they don’t have any MONEY I said, this is costing you money to send them materials. So that was the second mistake.

I took the list home & because I didn’t know if these guys would become customers, I did not yet type them into a mail order list, I had to address each one BY HAND which took lots of time, but I did it. There was scant little return, not sure why. It was NOT A GOOD LIST & that’s why she failed & gave it to me.

I had a way of numbering my men. Each time they spent $100 I put an X next to their mailing label – then I’d know if I wanted to do a limited mailing who the best customers were. After all, sending a mailing to 3,000 men as I now had, requires a lot of POSTAGE & a bit of labor. {By now I always had an employee who sent out the list} I discovered that it was worth it to do all the mail first class, – I tried bulk mailing but found it to be tacky. Yes, I saved postage but the men felt what they received was ‘cheap.’ If I wanted first class money, I needed to send first class mail. Custom-made videos were sent on the best tapes enclosed in expensive plastic cases, all materials were packed properly, did not stint on anything.

I also had a totally honest policy, of course. No kind of argument if someone complained, they got their money back, including if they sent cash. The men were impressed.

On some videos, which were CUSTOM MADE I forgot to say, if the customer DID NOT LIKE the work I REDID IT & I got good results. After I redid his video one guy, who owned a welding business, bought $1,000 worth of videos. His fetish? My hairy crotch, which I called ‘Gorilla Crotch.’ My then fiancé, Saintly Richard Von Werder, was the camera man whenever he could, if it involved just me.

My videos were incredibly EXPENSIVE. Why? Because you could not get anything like them anywhere & each one was custom made to specific fetishes. The mainstream did not produce such videos, I had cornered this market.

Again, as I said, no other female went to the lengths {that I know of} which I did. I had my men WRITE ME A SCRIPT. It was their own version of what they wanted, & they had to send a down payment with the script for me to even consider it. I told them ahead of time I would not produce anything that would hurt a creature – & of course where we ‘hurt’ men was all pretending. These were movies, not real life, they were acting & pretending, not reality. We tried to make everything seem real, but it wasn’t. And the videos had no real sex – except for a couple where the actors wanted it that way – I obliged them but they didn’t sell. My customers did not want mainstream sex – it didn’t turn them on, they only wanted fetishes, domination & women being cruel to men.

Anyway, they’d send me their script, I would say OK, I will produce it, & I did, send me the rest of the money before you get the video – they did. I never had a script I did not produce, if I recall rightly. The ones that seemed antsy or difficult, I played the role myself. For instance, one guy got turned on by a husband & wife having a fight, he chases her into the yard & tried to strangle her – not to death, but it has to look serious. I played that role with an actor, then the guy himself. He had to pay about $500 each time. He did get out of hand when he played the husband, I had to hit him & broke his glasses – my cameraman would have stopped him before he got carried away, which he was starting to do. That’s why I played that role myself, didn’t want any trouble for some poor young lady.

Another guy wanted nothing but seeing the bottoms of female’s feet. He wanted her to just show herself a few minutes first, walking or dancing around, then she would lie down & I put the camera on the bottoms of her feet. She could sleep, read, anything, just show the bottoms of the feet. Certain feet he loved, others he liked less. I paid the female a dollar a minute. So 60 mins of foot showing got $60 – it was easy work. The guy paid me around $300 for each video, & he got a half dozen of them with different models.

A lot of my men wanted women wrestling with guys & beating them, one even wanted a female to ‘kill’ a guy by ‘strangling him with her feet’, the more violence we acted, the more the men liked it & bought them, so I would play up how tough, violent & cruel we were to the men & they ate it up.

I had started the business with just me, the ones I spoke of, & then me dancing. The dancing segued into the domination because where most of my ads were domination-fetish newspapers –– free ads in exchange for your images – can’t beat that. So I gathered something beyond my fan base.

As I made more money, instead of hiring a cameraman for $100 a day, I decided to buy equipment & do my own filming – it was expensive. Those days a good video camera cost 1k & you had to buy a few vcr’s – I had something like 10 vcr’s at one time, making copies. So I had to learn to film & make copies, a bit of technical know-how helped by my friend, Saint Esquire. He would learn how to run a camera, then taught me. He hooked up my vcr’s {men are better at technology than women} & figured out how to run them. When it was me as the star, he also filmed me. He helped me build my business without asking for anything in return, just friendship. So you see, I had my two best men friends helped me with business.

Pretty soon I hired other females for variety. I liked being behind the camera more than in front of it. Most of the actresses I got were porn stars, dancers, women from the adult trade. Later I made a lot of tame videos, even without nudity, & I used local amateurs. I produced thousands of photos of the females, & these were sent to magazines free of charge. The magazines would use the pics & give me a free ad – it worked. I was featured a lot in Hustler Erotic Video & the Gent fetish magazine. The business was work but also fun. We had so many laughs.

Now here is why I made good money. After the initial guy got his custom-made video, I put it for sale to the rest of the guys. I didn’t sell hundreds, but I sold dozens. My videos were average two hours long, & they sold for up to $250 each, believe it or not, & they guys were buying them as they were unusual.

One lucrative sale was a store on 42^nd St. bought my work wholesale – half price, & they would buy like $10,000 worth at a time. The owner spoke to me by phone & said he made good money with them – men wanted my videos at $250 per video!

I ran the business for ten years, taking in an average of 100k per year – not profit, but gross sales, but that does come to one million in ten years. That’s the story on that, I’m not giving too many details here, perhaps in another book, but the point I am making is how I became well off by the grace of God. Now speaking of God, let me explain an important point.

The Economy of God – Seeing Her Face to Face

Prior to starting this business, my life was one of devotion to God, an all-out ‘Put first the Kingdom of God & everything shall be added unto you.’

I spent much of my time alone even though I was in the adult trade, & my life was primarily, above all things, besides survival, getting closer to God. I would do anything to get closer to God – Go was what I wanted & loved more than anything on earth.

The path I was on was one of Sainthood. Many people won’t believe this, but I speak the truth, my models were the saints, my behavior was that of the saints, my activities alone were mostly prayer, meditation, Church & spiritual reading. As I said, when I was the Stripper for God, I didn’t work every week but sporadically, & I had plenty of time for devotion. I even went on a binge one time, for 3 ½ years, where I never missed one day of Holy Mass, & one hour after Mass in the Church each time, praying. {This came about because the Holy Virgin appeared to me in a dream & wanted me to receive more Holy Communion.}

I got many graces & gifts from God – revelations, visions, Gifts of the Holy Spirit – Jesus & Mary appeared to me several times with stupendous blessings. I had the most incredible walk with God, & in 1981 I entered into seclusion. This is a time all saints I studied went through, it was from a year to two or three years, they sequestered themselves for a special time with God. They left the world, people, their family, job, everything, to be alone to what I know now to be the FINAL STEPS in becoming ONE WITH GOD.

In 1981 I told all my friends & relatives, even my most devoted disciple, to forget me. Don’t call me, write me, visit me, nothing. I have to be alone. I didn’t know why, I just know I had to be. I lived off my savings on about $50 a week.

I removed the beds from my apt – don’t recall how or why—just recall the beds were gone – I slept on the floor – Mass every morning, then any errands gotten out of the way. I was eager to get back to my 6^th floor walkup & be alone with God. I felt her Presence, it was Holy, it was Blissful. I did not speak to people, I entered into another world, another consciousness & alone, I was never less lonely. I communicated with Souls in Purgatory, starting with Errol Flynn, later, many other celebrity & unknown Souls – it was Heaven on earth.

Finally, all this culminated in my experience of SEEING GOD FACE TO FACE, not once but twice. I actually left this earth & entered Heaven on Feb. 13, 1982 & again on March 23, 1982. It lasted but moments each time, but was worth the equivalent of a hundred years of ecstasy, it’s impossible to describe accurately & all I can say is superlatives, what God is, what Heaven is. Suffice to say when we enter Heaven or see God as God is, we are there not only with our souls but our bodies. I don’t know what form we are in exactly, but it’s as if you have a physical body because all the senses are working, & what you perceive with your senses is beyond anything on earth – you feel, taste, touch, smell, hear, everything as you do on earth only a thousand times more clearly & sharply, like you just woke up out of a dull dream & became alive, like every pain you ever had is a million miles away & all you can do is love & receive love & it is ECSTASY. The ecstasy is so great that you can only be there a short time, then you must return, as it’s too much to bear.

When these highlights of my life were over I remained happy with God, still alone, doing all my spiritual routines. I wanted nothing else, I was wishing I did not have to go back to the world. I knew my money would run out at some point, but I wished to delay this as long as possible.

The Interior Divine Stigmata

I will not delve into this in great detail because it won’t serve the purpose of this book, I shall make it as brief as possible. If this subject interests you, please view my book “On the Attainment of the Divine Stigmata,’ where I give a day-by-day account of the proceedings.

Suffice to say, during the year 1981 – 1982 I received the Highest Honors from God & all the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, & even Our Holy Mother appeared to me on a blessed night & infused me with the Evangelical virtues – Poverty, Chastity & Obedience. As I said, I lived in another world. The world as we know it faded away, I walked on a cloud, I lived in Heaven. I felt & heard God every minute. There were deprivations &sacrifices, like fasting, constant prayer, constant spiritual activities. Some of it was hard –like the fasting with no food or water once a week for 24 hours {don’t ever fast without water, just food; it can hurt your health.} But these type sufferings were bittersweet; the Presence of God did not leave me.

Then I got the bright idea of praying for the Divine Stigmata. I reasoned I had everything else that I knew of. Jesus had appeared to me as Commander-in-Chief one glorious day &gave me some kind of Power. He also gave me three Rings of blue light, visible all night, which represented Faith, Hope & Charity, the Theological Virtues, & also signified our Betrothal or Marriage. I saw it all in visions, Light was visible. The room would disappear & get filled with blue Light, I’d be standing on air during these times.

IMO I believed this Grace was so beyond me, if I started praying now {1982 I was37 years old} I might receive it in my 70’s – if such a thing were possible. I believed it to be the highest reach there is, as the greatest Saints I venerated had the stigmata – St. Francis of Assisi, Saint Padre Pio, & the Interior Stigmata {engraving of Christ’s wounds on the heart as St. Gertrude described it} –my mentor St. Gertrude, St. Catherine of Sienna, Saint Teresa of Avila, – Who was I compared to them?

In fact, one time as I reached the front door of my building, Ole’ Sleufoot appeared & said to me,

“You think you’re St. Francis of Assisi?”

I was stunned & pondered why he appeared & said that. Could it be because I really resembled St. Francis & he was angry?

Let me add this – Some people think you have to go into the mountains & be a hermit to receive such graces, or some kind of convent or monastery, far away from everyone & everything. You can be in a hermitage & in the mountains mentally in the middle of Brooklyn – I was. Living at 356 South 1^st St, between Hooper & Keap, apt 33, was where I lived. The city & people throbbed all around me, but I was not there, not connected; I was in a place with God, for God, from God, in God, nowhere else.

So determined to move ahead, no knowing whereof I prayed, what exactly it was that I asked for, I opened the books of St. Gertrude the Great & St. Francis & read their prayers for the Stigmata every day. The reason I had no idea what it was is because no saint had ever explained it – believe it or not. So perhaps it behooves me to be the one who having gotten the Grace, explain it properly, which I have already done in my book. I shall briefly review the event.

So I am praying, not sure how long. Was it three months? At that time God transpired changes in me that were a foreboding of spiritual ‘disaster.’ Something was happening in my Heart & brain. My heart swelled up into giant size, with love, like the Chakra where the heart is, then it would break or smash into pieces. It swelled up again, & again, & again, with powerful sensations, then breaks as many times, but this went on for hours.

I was in such pain emotionally & mentally I could not respond to people. I went into the street & a man who knew me stopped his car & asked if I needed a ride. I said no, knowing, THAT THIS PAIN I FELT I HAD TO ENDURE – THERE COULD BE NO ALLEVIATION OR THE GRACE WOULD NOT OCCUR.

I knew on some level the Divine Stigmata was taking place & I learned what it was through experience. Can’t recall if it was this day or the next I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror & knew I had GONE TEMPORARILY INSANE. It’s a pain that’s so great that your mind can’t take it – different from a ‘nervous breakdown,’ – {I had one of those many years later—it’s not supernatural} – This was.

After my heart broke for the last time, my brain had been drained, as if there were spark plugs in it & every one of them blew – so that no more energy could be created, I went into a darkness – even my dreams were nightmares of darkness such as I had never experienced – demons in the shape of black girls appeared & pushed me into darkness from which I could not escape, it was terrifying.

The Divine Stigmata is MARTYRDOM. Your body doesn’t die, in this case but you can no longer utilize the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, which God gave you. It’s well known that God NEVER REPENTS OR TAKES BACK A GIFT. But you can lose the ability to use the gift, through the mechanical or biological demise of your body or instrument. And that’s what happened.

Through this martyrdom, this total poverty, I could no longer use any of the God-given Gifts. I did not know that’s what I asked for, but I did. Heaven left me; the Presence of God was no longer felt. I was alone, vulnerable & lonely. Pretty soon I reached out to people. I couldn’t live without them, as I had nothing else; the world came back, the evil, shallow, dingy, dreary world. I called it being back in ‘the shallows & wastes of human sense.’ Oh, what misery! To have been in Heaven on earth, then Heaven is gone, you are on clay feet, you are ordinary, deprived, vulnerable, poor, empty, shallow, miserable, all happiness evaporates. Woe is me! And that is Divine Stigmata!

I count the date officially as Oct 9, 1982, when it started. And was it just a few days of this mess? Now hear me, & hear me well. This Grace cost me plenty sorrow, it lasted EIGHTEEN YEARS. I did not come out of this forsaken state – some call it ‘Dark Night of the Soul,’ until the year 2000. It was 1982 to 2000 – I could not communicate with God or pray with consolation – my only thing left was FAITH.

There is a definite reason why I bring up this Grace now, right after explaining my involvement in the business ventures.

It’s about God’s economy & management of my life – giving me all the things I prayed for, the things Jesus promised me, the things I karmically earned.

Had I been in the state first described – Heaven on earth – I could not have run this business. The business world, in general is gross. To be in the specific business I was in is even grosser. These two worlds are in conflict, they cannot coincide. There are few saints or mystics who ever owned businesses or were tycoons in a successful way, while at the same time, enjoying the benefits of the Presence of God. One consciousness closes the other, they are not able to coincide.

And so God ordered it this way, that during my Dark Night of the Soul, I could manage to get into this work, be good at it, make money, & while I could not enjoy the precincts of God, I gave great donations to charity, I took out of the gross income from 8 to 10% & got Masses for the Souls in Purgatory {my favorite charity, besides helping animals.}

This time I was not studying St. Thomas Aquinas but the Apostle of Prosperity, Catherine Ponder, & having read her books, sent her almost 4k for her efforts. She taught me a lot that I still practice today – how to pray in a way to draw prosperity & succeed at whatever you do. It was new stuff & she’s the best teacher.

During this time also another promise from Jesus Christ was fulfilled. God’s economy is what I’m underlining here. In Jan 1978 Jesus appeared to me with Great Gifts {it was at the Playboy Club explained in my book one of ‘I Strip for God’} He said to me to ask for three gifts He would fulfill in honor of our betrothal. I mentioned spiritual ones & He said,

“Ask for things of the earth, what you experience here.”

So the first & obvious things that came into my head – I didn’t know what else to say, was,

“I want to be a millionaire, a movie star & to have spiritual relationships with men.”

Now understand, the millionaire & movie star requests were answered at least in part, through this business. They were movies, weren’t they? I had done movies before, but now there were hundreds. And I earned a million dollars in gross sales in ten years. But on top of that, with the first 200k I saved, God inspired me to go to the right area to buy property, which She said, ‘Go – see it – you will be rich.’ And thirty years later, they declared GAS & OIL under my property, & I had a good amount, there would be BIG MONEY some day, the gas first, then the oil pulled out, could factor in the millions over the years.

And so God fulfilled her promise, in the name of Jesus Christ, that request I made through this business & this property, acquired during my Dark Night of the Soul when I could not enjoy God & Heaven – God used this time for my profit.

My third request, to have spiritual relations with men, occurred during my ministry to the Holy Souls in Purgatory. Most of the souls I help are men. And it is the most gratifying ministry I’ve ever had. {End Chapter 8}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

God Compensated my Losses

Chapter 8 What People Did to Me

What God Did for Me 6-5-21

Just thinking, I’ve groaned a lot about the injustices & abuse of people to me, but what I must present now is what God did to make up for it. For example:

In Part 3 of my Life I told the sorrowful incident of my friend & neighbor bringing to our front door {in my absence, Middletown, NJ, 2 Knapp Circle} a birthday cake for me. My Mom rejected this gift, saying, ‘We bake our own cakes here.’ And not a one of them in the household even said a greeting to me, no card, no gift, no cake, no nothing. And I shall channel Mother God as to why Mom & her accomplice did this. Mother God, explain the motive:

MOTHER GOD: She, they, de facto, were rejecting any love being shown to you – respect, kindness, anything good being given you had to be rejected, as you have explained. They wanted to destroy you. {End channeling}

OK, but here’s what GOD did. Years later, I’m around 40, I was dating a handsome lawyer who was also a gourmet cook, let’s call him Saint Esquire. On the day of my birthday he took a cab from Forest Hills, NY to Williamsburg, B’klyn, to bring me a birthday cake, made with his own hands, a beautiful carrot cake!

This man, while on the subject, also did this. I was returning from a job some place with heavy suitcases which had to be carried 6 flights of stairs {I never had a companion who helped me this way, travel was hard} He knew when I’d be there; again, he took a cab for just one thing, to carry my suitcases up!

Throughout my childhood, from the age of ten, until I left home, I was purposefully impoverished. The burden of the household chores mostly fell to me – I did all but the cooking {Mom would not share her glory of being a chef with me, she forbid me to cook when I tried, screaming & hitting me}. I cleaned house, fed the animals, did the dishes, baby sat my half sister, did most of the ironing {in those days many items had to be ironed, etc.} Mom & two other members of the household worked – they had money – but no allowance was given me {I never even thought of an allowance} – I was slave labor.

Dad was contributing money, some of it could have been given me, & Mom suggested to the other household members once, why not give Rasa an allowance from our salaries? She knew they would shoot that down, which they did, ‘No! No! No! No allowance for Rasa! She pretended to me that she wanted this, she would give me $40 a week! That was a fortune to me & then, she took it away by letting the other members say no.

Mom was earning minimum wage & it says that minimum wage in 1959 was $1 an hour – the restaurant we all worked in at one time paid us .50 an hour – for the servers there were tips, so maybe it came to 2.50 per hour.

They could have easily given me $40 a week between the 3 of them or less, $20 or just $10 would have meant something – even $5 would have been appreciated – I saved them most of the household chores.

Later on, my services were not crucial, no slave needed. The half sister was 9 years old when we moved to Middletown, NJ, so could be left alone, the house was new & cleaning it easy – there were no animals to care for. Now was the chance for me to work! But every time I got a job if Mom discovered it, she’d call up & have me fired on the pretext, ‘She does not have my permission to work, I want her to concentrate on school.’ {That was a lie, she wanted to disempower me, punish or torture me.} And Mom gave me no cash for necessities – not even school supplies or dentist – which could have been garnished from what Dad gave {I never even thought of telling Dad about this, I was devoid of knowing my rights. I was not aware of any government agency that protected children; to me it was unheard of, the thought that I could complain to a legitimate agency that I was being deprived of basic rights in the home.}

So I was unjustly impoverished in our house. When I finally left home my first husband cancelled his life insurance to leave myself & our daughter penniless – I had $5 to my name after the funeral. His Mom was with us at his death, {she sensed his end was coming, she arrived days before it} I could not conceive of asking her for money – in fact, she asked me if I could afford the funeral. I didn’t know what that meant, I thought that if I had $1,000 plus a fiver to my name, & the funeral cost $1k, then I could afford it – so I paid it instead of asking her to. She was not poor or broke, had then about 60k in the bank. I had trouble asking anyone for anything, as the family convinced me that I deserved nothing.

Now when I entered show business, I had a fighting chance. But I was raising a child alone, expenses were high, as anyone knows who has children, if you are the sole parent, no one in the family to baby sit, child care is expensive. So I was one woman alone, paying the bills, & child care. Those years I had no nest egg, the most I ever had before 1981, age 33, in the bank, was $1,500.

I’m trying to explain why I was poor & how I was poor. First, My Mom caused my poverty, & second, my first husband contributed – actually caused it. You might ask, why did I have a child? – He forced both marriage & pregnancy on me. I could have supported myself single, but he wanted to USE ME {for sex, arm candy, nursing if he had a return of the cancer.} I asked him to help me get my own place – no go. He insisted we had to get married, & tricked me into a pregnancy. We always used the ‘pull out method’ but on our honeymoon he inseminated me without consent, & nine months to the day after that event, I bore a child. His plan was to keep me tied to the house – the child was his tool.

So rounds one & two of my young life were a financial bust. Round three was going into show business after his death. I became a star by the grace of God, but I was not solvent, it was insecure living week to week, not knowing, when I became a stripper, what jobs these agents would get me – one year my agent Don DeCarlo of Pittsburg, I realized later, was not even trying – he was ripping me off for 20% on my jobs – I put him down to 10% & after six months no jobs I understood there were no more jobs from him – he had to have 20% or I got nothing. Understand, managers get up to 50%, but they work full time for you. But an agent – mine anyway – did only one thing – call the club & negotiate. {I even provided the clubs through my own foot work.} The clubs on the road, you could not book yourself, you had to have representation. Depending on how good of a talker they were, is what you got.

Another thing, is as I got more & more well known – {I did all the publicity myself – in 21 years I was helped by the management only twice – in Cleveland, Ohio & Toronto, Canada, the theaters gave me a bona fide press conference} – THEY made more money, my salary remained the same. I did not get paid for contacting the press, doing interviews, getting the club or theater filled up.

One guy in Canada made so much money off me that he put a down payment on a new hotel – I estimate he made $75k profit while I made $2,500. {Guessing by how many seats were occupied in the club, what they charged at the door & drinks. The coffee shop they had ran out of all food & could not keep up with it. The club was huge – maybe 1,000 seats – & filled up for two weeks. That’s why I worked mostly Canada in my last years – they had clubs much bigger than America & so could pay more.}

Now that’s what people did to me. But what did God do? I’m explaining the economy of God, her management of my life, her compensating me while people deprived me, punished me or exploited me. God was on my side – & so She is on yours if you do her will. If you do not obey God & are her enemy, then of course, She will not bless you & compensate you for your sufferings. Judas the traitor was not rewarded by God, he met his own fate, probably in Hell.

And so, for the unfortunate poverty, misery, insecurity & most of all, lack of love I suffered at the hands of people, this is what God did for me: And I shall ask Mother God to answer for me. First question, what did God do for me because I was deprived of love?

MOTHER GOD: When a God-loving person is unjustly deprived of love, they get closer in intimacy with God. That entails a whole gamut of consolation, gifts & blessings. It’s the deeper happiness which is not of this world.

Being intimate with God, One with her, is the greatest gift of all – it is heaven. One can undergo all kinds of earthly deprivations & tortures & still be happy if they are close to God – look at what the saints went through, & most of the time they were happy. Their sufferings were not bitter or dry, their pain, when endured for God, brought sweetness to their souls. So you, most of the time, had consolation with God, felt her Presence, felt love, you were not ‘the walking dead’ like the majority of folks are – they are spiritually dead. As you well know & say it again & again, the saints say the majority enter Hell – more men than women, more rich people than poor.

ME: And say in your words, dear Mother God, how I was compensated for the lack of resources & security.

MOTHER GOD: Oh, that’s a biggie, you were greatly rewarded & compensated. First, God gave you the ability to make a million dollars in earnings through business. That started in the year 1987, age 42 – God helped you create the mail order video business which, for the first time in your life, you were rich. The business took in one million dollars in ten years.

When you saved 200k by 1989 you prayed daily for six months for a house. God guided you, your fiancé drove you into the country {from B’klyn} to start looking upstate NY. After the second time looking, God appeared to you in a dream, as Mrs. Ronald Reagan, the wife of the President. {This type of apparition bespeaks Power & Prosperity, being the wife, not the President himself, hints at ‘domestic’ or ‘home.’}

She said to you, showing you a listing you had,

“I have a house for one of your deserving poor. Go! {see it} – You will be rich!”

You had no idea what the ‘you will be rich’ meant. You did get rich from business, then you got rich after you married & your husband died. But that’s not what God was talking about. Thirty years after you bought your property – & God was guiding you what to purchase – they announced GAS & OIL underground, ‘The Marcellus Shale’ – enough fossil fuel to energize a large area of the US. That was the riches to come – not realized yet but will be in your lifetime – God said so.

And so, there is one example, God gave you property with gas & oil under it – nothing like that happened to any of the folks who abused you, used you or deprived you. Think of how much God loves you by this reward.

ME: And I might add that I think it’s important I did not hate or take revenge on my persecutors, I endured it stoically the way Jesus & his saints did/do. I think that summons the Grace of God, whereas, revenge, & hate against ones enemies would dispel God’s rewards.

MOTHER GOD: Indeed, hate & revenge would prevent God from compensating you, as you close the door of the heart to Grace, Grace cannot then come in. One must have an open heart & good qualities to receive God’s blessings.

The Road to Success – How I Made One Million Dollars

I will briefly explain my business success. It was in video production, starting with just myself dancing, then later, hiring others to act with me in female domination & fetish work. But it started with just pictures of me, which men bought for $5 a piece. {Here’s that girl the family called ugly, selling pics of herself to make a living – did they make sense?}

Around 1985-86 I was dissatisfied with my stripping business. I had been sporadically ‘on the road’ since 1972, I was now pushing 40, I had gained 10 lbs {capital sin, they exaggerate all your faults, just gain a tiny bit of weight & one club owner told my agent I gained 50 lbs–ridiculous} & others just didn’t like me for whatever reason, being I was middle aged or had some esoteric music.

There was a horrible man in Canada who tried to make me enter the country without a visa {that was illegal} which means he didn’t like me as soon as he saw me at the airport – he would have probably called the authorities the next day to pick me up, being without visa, an evil man. Anyway, before the end of the week he fired me, & it really hurt. I think it was one of my acts he didn’t like – it was unusual Latin music from the 40’s – like ‘The Peanut Vendor’ & ‘Granada’ & ‘Siboney’ & I wore an all white lace outfit. But I believe he just didn’t like my look at the airport & each day he figured how to get rid of me, finally, just struck the axe. He was the young son of the owner, Jewish, that’s all I remember, can’t remember the club name or his. He was arrogant, uncaring, and devious. They gave me no publicity, no advertising at this miserable place, it was a quasi-brothel with lap dances & all that – the guy told me ‘you don’t fit in’. Strangely, the book I chose to bring that week as my reading material had to do with management of pain!

It wasn’t all bad. I was still beautiful. I will prove it with other pictures from my last 2 years in Canada – it’s just no matter what, you meet some people who don’t like you as you don’t meet their preference – their idea or type they want. Consider, I didn’t like handsome Arnold – I liked darker guys at the time, so I rejected him – not his fault, he had what it takes but I wanted something else.

However, the problem was agents. There was no such thing as a list or easy way to find out where the clubs & theaters were, how to contact them. There was no internet, no yellow pages that covered America & Canada with all the venues. You had to beg, borrow or steal names from other dancers – if they would share them.

I met the husband of one star in 1984 – he came to see me at the Hubba Hubba Club in Honolulu, Hawaii. He sat with me & painstakingly picked his brain for every place his wife had worked – that helped. I had Don de’Carlo call them & got jobs. So it was hard to find places, your agent had to contact them – they would not book any of us directly – it’s the pimp system – men must have their share. {That’s how prostitutes are pimped by the Patriarchy. Make it illegal, pick them up, cops get paid, judges get paid, it’s the women’s money in fines. Use them, put them back in the street & start all over again next time. This is explained in a book I’m part of called ‘Sex Work.’}

So I got maybe 5-6 jobs a year in 1985-86 – they were high paying, but even at 3k per week, it only adds up to 15k a year, counting polaroids, ok, add 1k to that. If I had 6 jobs it would be 18 k a year plus 1k for polaroids. {Meaning the customers paid me $10 each to be in a Polaroid with them.} I lived MODESTLY in a 6 floor walk up that was rent controlled, so I could make it, but I wasn’t thriving, just surviving.

You might ask why didn’t I work at one steady place in NYC, regularly? Indeed, I did, I do recall because my new best friend, Saint Esquire, was picking me up at work. It was OK for a while, they paid me $30 a show & there were 4 shows a day. That meant $120 a day or $720 a week – a big come down from $3k on the road. $750 a week in 1987 today amounts to $1,735. 3k a week in 1987 is $7,230 so with 6 jobs a year I made $43,380 today’s money – which is not bad, not good for a star or for building a nest egg.

I get on the internet, that the min wage in 1987 was $3.35. But also this: In 1989, the median American household made $51,681 in current dollars. {Not sure which year they speak of, maybe 2012.}

OK, so household might mean two people working, even three. I’m trying to explain what my status actually was, accurately, that although I was ‘a star’ & in headlines in newspapers, covers of magazines & TV shows, I was struggling & surviving, no wealth, no nest egg, until the time I shall explain.

I worked at this place in Times Square – I think it was 7^th Ave but can’t recall the name – about 5 weeks. {After 5 weeks they were going to demote me to $15 a show – although it was easy for me to work there, this cut hurt my pride & I quit.} They did not put my name out there, no advertising, nothing. Why? Because it was a porno palace, they made money from sex. {To draw undue attention might have been bad, as I don’t think sex on stage was legal, I guess they paid people off.} Not direct sex with the customers, but like this. You walk in, can watch porn videos in booths downstairs, masturbating of course. {I wonder who cleans up the sperm. I know a guy who slid on it carrying the cash box away& almost broke his neck.}

Upstairs, where my small theater was, way to the back past a turnstile you pay to go through, you have a couple options. You can watch a real sex show in a glass cage, a male & female, or else two females, which you pay for. Can’t recall how they hide the cage from the non-payers, I think you watch through some sort of peep-hole like binoculars.

To the left are the masturbation booths. You go in, across from you behind a glass is a female. You pull out your penis & start to masturbate, & she is supposed to turn you on & walk you through it. She can show her vagina & play with it I imagine. You give her the script. One female told me that a young black man told her to curse out his mother, call her every bad name you could think of, like dirty whore, & that made him horny & happy. I found that unusual & amazing.

This poor, poor girl showed me her scalp, where a man had attacked her with a knife & sliced off part of her flesh along with hair – she was concerned, was the loss of flesh & hair obvious? She was trying to make a living. No one said the adult trade was easy or safe. Why are prostitutes singled out for violence & murder? – Because they’re there, on the street, available & vulnerable. No wonder they start to take drugs. It’s a Catch-22 situation. The average prostitute is raped or violated forcefully 5 times per week. Imagine if that were to happen to you on the job? Wouldn’t you need a substance to keep going? Of course some of them already were addicts, but those who weren’t, need help to get through – unless they are combinations of Hercules & Wonder Woman.

Now in the middle of these activities as I said, is my theater. Go through the turnstile & there’s a round series of seats, just like a real theater, with a stage around 15’ long & 6’ wide, where the acts occur. What are the acts? – Dancers? No I was the only dancer. You would not believe the acts I had to follow & remain the main attraction.

There would be two different couples who actually had real sex on stage. While I was there one couple the female was average looking, overweight, the guy fairly good looking. I don’t know how these guys could get a hard-on & do it 4 times a day, & this couple told me they did it again at home – Samson step aside. They were paid – I’m not lying – $6 a show. Another couple was French, both good looking – they washed the plastic bed on stage with alcohol before each round. I wanted to see them perform & got emboldened to sit in the audience one day, but someone interrupted me to go somewhere. To this day although I worked in such places, I never have seen a live sex act. This attractive couple told me they made $7 a show. There was a third couple also, very attractive.

The other act I remember was a Latin female, cute, very thin, who walked around for a couple minutes, then sat down & masturbated with a huge black dildo. That was it – every act on stage except me was sex.

So now imagine, I come out, & I have to be somehow more exciting than the previous. How could one manage that? Supposedly beauty & talent win the day, consider I was being paid ten times what these others were. People did like me & applauded well, a video producer came – which come to think of it – was responsible for me starting my own business! He hired me for domination videos at a good price, $500 a day plus a copy to sell – no sex involved. I asked him can you really make a living at this? He lived in a good part of town in a beautiful apt – so I thought if he could do it, I could do it, & later I did. His specialty was wrestling videos. He said with my legs, I could do a great ‘scissors’ whatever that was. I was fascinated. Will get back to what I did later.

So now here I am, in this sex emporium, among my NY neighbors, not sure where life is going next.

I was working on & off, months would drag by where I had no income & often worked on publicity. I would go to a newsstand called ‘Hotalings,’ which carried newspapers & magazines from all over the world. I would pick up like $50 {$120.50 today} or more of these periodicals, take them home, peruse them & send them my story as the ‘Stripper for God’ with plenty photos & slides. I got into the international media that way – Germany’s STERN {which was like our ‘Life’ Magazine or ‘Look’ – Italian, French, English, Spanish, Australian – everywhere. My publicity is featured on Kellie Everts I Strip for God website – many of the periodicals are featured as well as numerous TV shows.

In fact, because of this onslaught of publicity, they sent reporters from Spain to do a big story for a top magazine, & the Australians sent their ‘60 minutes’ staff to show me dancing & an interview – they even paid me $300. Whenever I danced in NYC international travelers would tell me they’d seen documentaries on me in Italy, Australia & elsewhere. I even got letters from Papa New Guinea & Poland. Some of the stuff I believe was copied from work done in America. There have been at least eleven documentaries done on me.

As a photographer of ‘America’s Most Beautiful Men’ – which I did from 2012 to 2017 – I met on the phone hundreds of aspiring male models & dozens in person. I tried to show them the ropes, but none of them except one listened to me. The one who listened made it to the top – he became a poster boy for Ralph Lauren. He already had what it takes, he did the right things, he worked hard & he made it. The rest of them flopped. They just didn’t have the brains to listen & learn, they thought they knew how to reinvent the wheel, that their case was different, they would make it on what they knew, but they knew nothing.

You have to be young & dumb before you can be old & wise. Was I ever that dumb? No indeed, because I started trying age 16, & did what had to be done. These yokels just sit on their ass & expect people to appear & ‘give them a break’ – but no one appears. When I came into their lives I explained that in order to make it in any field of show business – even products – there has to be advertising, publicity, promotion & media. And no one will GIVE this to you, you have to TAKE THE WHEEL & steer yourself, or else find a manager who falls in love with you & does the work while you perform. There is no other way – but they won’t listen. I heard a minister say,

“There is work in the working of miracles.” To be a genuine star is sort of a miracle – & it takes constant hard work getting there. That’s what they aren’t doing. {Will get to the million dollars deal before I end this chapter.}

In Between Dancing & Publicity I was Uncertain

Didn’t know where I was going – how I could make it. Two things in my favor, I was Kellie Everts, an adult trade / notoriety star. Second, I met a guy who made wrestling / domination videos & he was making a living. {How one thing leads to another Had I not been working at this porn palace at the time, I would not have met this industry producer & got the idea from him – being ‘out there’ even under less than ideal conditions can lead to meaningful paths.} These two items were the catalysts for success – but not right away.

The dilemma went like so: I cannot get married & have a guy support me because I am celibate {In fact ultra rich Robert Atkins courted me in 1981 & wanted to marry me, but I turned him down, it was impossible, my celibacy plus he was Jewish – I could not repudiate my religion – Or my celibacy which was vowed to God.}

And of course I cannot be a prostitute or call girl because I am celibate – even if I was not celibate, I couldn’t do it because it would hurt my dignity. I know the women who go into this have to. {Many of the women retiring from dancing went into prostitution or got married, they were the paths of least resistance, indeed, one I knew went back to school teaching & there were other ways.} But I would find another way. But what was the way? What could a celibate woman, in the adult trade, do to make a living?

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Six Months House Arrest

Chapter 7 6 Months House Arrest

for Dancing with a Puerto Rican 6-3-21

Both Mom & her sister, Aunt Dagmar, had a thing against ‘sex.’ Dagmar, who we called ‘Ara’ was a faithful housewife as far as we know, from the time she married Uncle Henry until forever, even after his death.

Mom was different. She got tired of Dad & began to have love affairs with other men way back when, not sure when, but was told that in Germany she kept a diary of her activities & she & Dad had fights over his sneaking into it.

She was so active that during the time she lived with Dad, she had 4 abortions – only one his. {Later there were at least 3 more abortions…I read an interesting statistic – that the average number of abortions of an Eastern European woman, – those under Communist rule – was 7 – I went ‘bingo.’ My Lithuanian cousin spent several months with me in the USA & spoke what it was like under the Communists. The leaders were all men. They decided on what provisions would be available to the public, including birth control & hygiene, to that end the provided no KOTEX – sanitary napkins – or TAMPAX – for women to collect blood from their periods. And so, women had to use cloths or rags for that purpose, throw them away incessantly or wash them & use them again. Cousin also told me they only had brassieres that were shaped like bags, they had no bras that enhanced a woman’s curvature. And now, I came to this conclusion, being MEN & therefore, narrow minded for their own concerns & wishes, at the exclusion of what is best for both women & men, they OFFERED NO CONDOMS on the market. Let women get pregnant, what did they care, in fact, let their sperm live, whatever happens to the kids, let the woman bear the burden. And so, WOMEN ENDED UP USING ABORTION, PROVIDED ‘FREE’ BY THE GOVERNMENT, AS THEIR MEANS OF BIRTH CONTROL, thereby creating the 7 per woman statistic. And that was the system Mom started out with & kept up that pattern. I channeled Mom on this in Book 3.}

Although Ara was sexually inactive while Mom was active, they had the same attitude toward sex. Sex was a no-no for OTHER PEOPLE. Any female perceived as, or known to be sexually active, was a BAD PERSON {except for Mom, there is no log in her eye, but she sees the toothpick in that of others.} To that effect, I shall explain how I went under Mom’s HOUSE ARREST for six months for dancing with a Puerto Rican.

After our homestead efforts went bust, Mom got a job at a factory called ‘Brockway Glass.’ There she met a local woman, fat & unattractive, who had a farm with her husband. Not sure if the husband was still there, but this woman said something that OUTRAGED Mom. She told me about it. She had had SEX with one or more Puerto Rican field hands that worked on her farm, to wit, she said,

“Some of those Puerto Ricans are DAMN good looking men!”

When Mom repeated those words to me, with a shudder, her eyebrows arched – like how OUTRAGEOUS this was. This woman thought Puerto Ricans were handsome, had sex with them, & HAD A SON by one of them.

I met two of this woman’s children, a female my age, & the half Puerto Rican son. I was extra friendly with her, acquainted but not close to him, {one time he needed to write an essay on Kennedy vs Nixon, he couldn’t do it – so I wrote it for him. My speech was so good, a male teacher read it & gave me his precious 8X10 image of John Kennedy SIGNED. I wish I still had it.}

So there was a dance where I took part, & the Puerto Rican son was there. A twist contest came up – I had never done it {being 14 there’s a lot of things I hadn’t done} – they showed me it, I WON the contest with the boy. Another dance contest came up & we also won that – that happened to me all the time. We had dances every week at a local Catholic Church {kind of a safe place for kids to hang out, supervised by nuns}, every contest they held was won by me, no matter who my partner was.

After the dance my Mom calls me to the kitchen table for a talk. She says, is it true that I danced with this half Puerto Rican boy? Because his mom bragged to Mom that we had won contests. And on top of that, was I so friendly with her daughter that we shared clothes, switching clothes so each of us had a bigger wardrobe? I said yes to both items.

A dark spirit crossed her face & she ominously pronounced,

“Because of this, you will not leave the house for six months. You cannot go with us when we shop, no visits with friends, no activities, no trips outside the house. You are grounded.”

This was not an easy punishment to take. My way out of isolation / loneliness was to do this walk in the woods every day. There was some kind of a round road through the woods, which covered about a mile, that I trekked. Nature / exercise was the escape. Occasionally when I had a buck or two I veered out of the woods to a tiny family restaurant {seated like 8 people} for a burger & fries, walking past their huge German Shepherd posted by the woods – scared as he barked furiously, on a metal runner about 25’ long – I knew if he broke off that runner he’d attack me. {Today I would have saved part of my burger for him each trip so he’d know I was his friend, but then I didn’t think of that. How pitiful that that dog was all alone, 200’ from the house, by the woods, no other dog to keep it company.}

The thing is, my Mom was working, & I could have disobeyed. But honor was a big thing with me, as I explained before. I felt that if a parent made a rule {within reason} I was obligated, under God, to obey. But I begged for one exception – the school choir. Our music director said we HAD to be there & I begged release, & she consented. And as usual, I was the only female who did not have the UNIFORM black skirt, I conjured up a brown one & stood in the back row {I explained in Part 3 how I was the only Girl Scout who didn’t have a uniform.}

Another escape was my neighbor Helen, lived a couple minutes away. I went there often to chat. She was single, with her old mom who never felt well. The only notable thing I recall her telling me, that I didn’t understand at the time, was that men have ‘Roman hands & Russian fingers.’ Years later I got it: ‘Roaming hands, rush in fingers.’

Of course, dancing with the Puerto Rican boy was not sex – but to Mom, who was HYSTERICALLY PREJUDICED it was close. She hated, despised the woman who had sex with Puerto Ricans, & I shall channel. Mom, why did you hate that woman so much that you imposed that punishment on me?

MOM: Because I was jealous.I wanted to do as she did, but I couldn’t or didn’t get the chance, so I hated her & acted outraged.

ME: Why did you not, then, become good friends, & ask her to introduce you to some of those guys?

MOM: That would have been unthinkable. I carried the pose of an aristocrat {in my own mind} who would not lower myself to that level. If I had done that, also, she & other people would have known, & that would hurt my reputation, my front, as a respectable woman. I did my deeds in the dark.

ME: But why then, punish me so harshly just for dancing with a boy & being friends with the girl? Isn’t that extreme?

MOM: As extreme as was my hate. People on crime shows you’ve watched kill others for the kind of hate I had.

ME: Explain your hate of minority people, you & Ara being against any kind of people not exactly like us. What is the origin of such great prejudice? And consider, when we first got here, you were a maid for a Jewish family. You worked every day for two weeks before getting one day off. Ara was also a servant to Mrs. Grant in Waccabuc. So where is your high horse? Minority people you hated were in the same boat, sometimes suffering poverty – you might have had compassion.

MOM: In our minds, we were ladies from an elite family, the inteligensia – which was true – we were in an upper class in Lithuania. This made us superior, in our minds, to others who were lower down the social ladder.

When we arrived as refugees, of course, we lost our status, our place in society, & our wealth. But we were still great ladies, better than our neighbors & minority folks. This way of looking at ourselves made us feel important, superior; it was a feeling of comfort, reassured our egos.

When you hobnobbed with the kids I felt inferior, you were lowering our status & insulting our position.

ME: Eventually you gained some kind of prominence with the Reader’s Digest plant in Pleasantville, NY. You wre in charge of the guest house & all the cafeteria / restaurant of the facility which fed all the employees. Did you feel you had a reached a high status there in Pleasantville & it justified your self image? Did you maintain your prejudices then, until death, or did you straighten out?

MOM: I maintained my hate of minorities. Remember when you brought that Puerto Rican girl to my apt in Pleasantville? She was only 7 years old, but I told you, don’t bring any of those type people here again. And as far as my status, yes, I had risen above all the humble conditions of the past & thought myself a great success.

From top to bottom: Parents get married, they dancing first year in America, Dad as a young professor, Mom age 26

ME: Did you ever regret abusing me? And

did you realize that you had left your spirit behind in family members? I would be afflicted by that spirit in these people long after your death, even at the age of 75 when you have been dead 42 years – these people do the amazing trick of justifying the abuse while pretending it never happened.

MOM: Hahaha. I was an effective abuser. Did I ever regret it? On my deathbed I made repentance, due to your prayers, & I was saved. Somehow I knew this abuse was the ‘chiseling down’ of you which would turn you into a saint, so it was God’s will. Don’t blame me, I did as God wanted.

ME: Very funny. There’s an argument to be made for the torturers & traitors of Jesus, that it was God’s will, but they still had to pay the price for their sins. You were in Purgatory a long time – 24 years – & your place in Heaven is not high. Do you wish you had been a better person?

MOM: In Heaven we are not capable of feeling regret, we’re perfectly happy no matter where we are, & of course, saints enjoy more bliss than I do, but what I have is the justice of God. I deserve no more, so I don’t wish for any more. {End chapter 7}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Psychological Murder

Rasa passport photo, age 4 1/2 - Could not speak English in kindergarten, but when they saw her do a drawing, they put her into a higher grade. She was thrilled. By 6 years old her English was so good the teacher, Mrs. Baker, had her read to the class from a book until the kids exclaimed ‘Her lip is bleeding!’. She was a prodigy at art {with Dad’s encouragement} & was featured in a museum exhibit for kids – but suffering trauma when she lost her Dad’s company – she vowed never to draw again. But her last painting gasp – age 16 – a wonderful black lady teacher asks her to submit a painting for a contest for 5 NYC schools. Rasa buckles down because of this teacher’s love, & creates a watercolor called ‘Water Tower,’ seen from the view of her 6th floor B’klyn apt she shares with her Dad. She wins SECOND PLACE! The painting is exhibited in the school. Her artistic talents veer into other arenas – modeling, dancing, & in middle age, photography & movie production.

Rasa leaves home age 16 to become a model, dancer & actress in Hollywood, CA. She works for the top photographers there & later, in Vegas {Helmut Newton} for Playboy Magazine & in NYC, Irving Penn for Vogue, doing body building…

Below Rasa pictured with Aunt Dagmar & Mom, just arrived to the states, Rasa doing some kind of ‘high 5.’ Later the aunt she adores will say, ‘How dare you pray for your mom {Mom was dying} – God will not hear you because YOU SELL YOUR BODY!} Mom was in the hospital dying of cancer, the docs gave her months, Rasa asked ‘Can I pray for you’ at her bed, & did so. Mom then COMPLAINED to her sis, Aunt Ara, steaming up Ara’s wrath… These are the repercussions for being in the ‘adult trade,’ – a Patriarchal society will not let a woman live in peace, she is condemned forever.

Rasa becomes a star, featured all over newspapers & television world wide. She’s visiting Aunt & exclaims proudly, ‘They just did a story on me in the Daily News!’ Dagmar answers, ‘We use the Daily News to line the dog kennels.’

Rasa’s Grandma Luba, {Russian Cossack} Aunt Dagmar age 15, Dad Stasys, Mom

Regina Elizabeth, age 17 & Grandpa Vincas–Lithuania

Chapter 6 I Strip for God Part 4

5-28-21 Principles of Psychological Murder

What my Mom / Family Did to Me

Aunt Dagmar, Grandma Luba & Uncle Henry arrived on this boat. Henry’s in the middle in a checked shirt.

We {parents & kids} arrive as refugees on this boat, the Gen. S.S. Heintzelman, a Navy ship, June 1949 – First thing I see is Statue of Liberty, & in a song I wrote for my Broadway show I go, ‘I see an angel, I see an angel calling me – No more Stalin, no more Hitler, Hello God’!

Had this dream years ago which explains psychological murder: There was a girl age 16 who was active downtown in NYC, going out a lot. Her Mom took a knife & stabbed her so many times; she was lying in a pool of her blood on the sidewalk, dead.

I go to the Mom, who lives in a trailer, knock on her door. She opens it & I say to her,

“You killed my daughter, but I forgive you.” {End of dream}

Mom, passport photo, age 26

This is my Mom, & the daughter is my human self or flesh, & this describes what Mom did to me & how I, the God Self, reacted. Forgiveness is one of the earmarks of being a Christian, of any good religion. Revenge is one of the most heinous but sadly, common sins. I learned from saints to take the example of Jesus Christ & his Holy Mother, how they forgave those who persecuted & crucified him.

We have gone over the abuse issue in Parts 2 & 3 at length, but it bears repeating as some of the big factors of my life are restated with new perspectives. My life cannot be fully fathomed unless the abuse is explained – it’s been an integral part of my life experience. And it is not moaning & groaning or complaining, it’s explaining. I need to remember this:

Dad as a young professor in Lithuania – He was more of a caregiver for me than Mom, he was kind & sensitive, Mom was hard & mean & became cruel when I turned 10.

Jesus Christ {& all his saints, past present & future} was permitted by God Almighty to suffer tortures for the sake of others. So consider – it was God’s will that Jesus be unjustly arrested; God’s will that he be scourged with whips that contained bits of jagged metal; that He be crowned with 3” thorns on his Sacred Head; that He be humiliated, slapped in the face, mocked, & then, that He carry a Cross where the weight of it bore through the bleeding flesh of his right shoulder; that He be placed on the Cross, his Sacred Feet penetrated with huge nails; that his Sacred Arms be dislocated when the soldiers had not put the marks for the nails in the right place, they pulled his arms out to fit the marks, & nailed his Sacred Wrists there; God’s will that He be abandoned by all but one of his disciples, laughed & jeered at by crowds, etc. {Esoteric visions gotten from Anne Catherine Emmerich, who wrote the ‘Passion of Jesus Christ’.}

All these things of God’s will were anticipated by Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He surmised, maybe this cup should pass him by, but then He said,

“Thy Will, not mine, be done,”

How I looked from top to bottom, age 13 in 8th grade graduation dress, age 16 ready to graduate HS, & age 7, Delancy St Newark, NJ, the year my bro tried to impale me on a spear – The wound went into my thigh & halfway through the leg – Mom did not take me to the Doc for fear my bro would get into trouble – it therefore was not stitched up & took months to heal, the biggest scab imaginable

To me that wound had a connection with the wound thrust into Jesus’ side, called the Divine Stigmata – it is a symbol of martyrdom – Years later, 1982 – I received the Interior Divine Stigmata, which took 18 years of ‘dark night of the soul’ to get over. Yes, I am One with God, whatever some people may think.

Which is proof that it was the will of God that Jesus should experience these atrocities. Had Jesus not, the Holy Gospel would not be what it is – but these items were an integral part of the Gospel or Good News of Jesus Christ – that God & He so loved the world, that God gave his own Son, an innocent, most loving person, to go through this. The Passion was a NECESSARY EVIL for the salvation of billions of people – & this passion was also lived by every Saint of God, of all religions, & what they suffered for the love of God is transmitted to the human race for their benefit.

Now I join my account of abuse, for my good & that of the human race, for it brought me to where I had to be with God – by mortification, killing of the flesh & then, in that state, I was ONE with God – I could hear her voice, & I consented to her will in doing the projects spoken about. All the things I endured – even the adult trade – even being a cougar after 30 years of celibacy – were all planned to those who believed to go higher in spirituality & understanding.

Did Jesus then say, ‘OK God, I have preached the truth, now I don’t want to suffer all this that flies to me in the Passion – let’s skip that by, I gave the message, I did miracles, healings & exorcism, enough is enough, let me live my life in peace.’

Some of my formative years were spent in a ‘Displaced Persons’ Camp’ in Germany. Before going there my family ran a hotel for a nice German lady.

But He did NOT say that, & taking his example, shall I also say, in his footsteps, ‘Take away my abusive Mother, let her love me, take away the hate of my relatives, brainwashed, against me. Take away the unfairness, my being punished for all things I did not do, take away the prejudice, the judgment & condemnation of society toward me, for being in the adult trade; take away all the narrow minded gossip & defamation put on me.’

Then there were spiritual sacrifices, such as the Divine Stigmata, which I paid for with 18 years in the Dark Night of the Soul – shall that be taken away?

Indeed not. The pains of my life were necessary, the sacrifices, the persecution, unfairness, were all part & parcel of what had to be. And they are seen, in the eyes of God, the way that Jesus’ tortures were, as Jewels, Crowns, Diamonds, Rubies & Emeralds shining in all colors in the metaphysical world. Shall these Jewels for God be taken away? No, they are Precious &I shall keep them forever.

My Aunt Dagmar, Uncle Henry & Grandma lived in this mansion in Waccabuc, NY, on the third floor, in the employ of Mrs Grant, who owned Otis Elevators. I would spend some time here during summers, an unforgettable experience. My families lives were greatly enhanced by Mrs. Grant. And by an interesting karma, I found out during the writing of this book, that I own a large chunk of Otis Elevators, received from my late husband, Richard Von Werder.

One of the sons of Mrs. Grant, Danny, & I were romantic when I was 14 & he 19 – but two people in my family thwarted it. Perhaps God paid me back for this loss with the Otis stock – compensation for losing his love & wealth. {God has taken all I have lost & repaid me many times over, it’s the way She works when you ‘Put first the Kingdom of God, & all shall be added unto you.”}

I have tried to explain the BENEFIT of my trials & tribulations, & I will eventually explain how the ECONOMY of God had arranged, with all the bad stuff, the Grace coming out of it. For instance, I was deprived of money, resources, support, that was needed to sustain me & my child – it was brutal. But eventually, money, support came to me in God’s way that made up for all stolen, & more money &support was given me than I had lost.

Say, in body building, for example: I made no money & recognition as I broke down the iron door for other women. They paid me back with ridicule & contempt – ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’ Hadn’t they done the same to Jesus? For all his miracles, Healings & deliverance, what rewards did he get? Only a tiny minority loved him, believed in him & comforted him.

Eventually, a man paid me 10K to do the first book on female body building – this began my road to solvency as it was the most money I’d ever had – it was 1981 – I was 33.

Me in Waccabuc NY for the good times, age 6. Mrs. Grant owned horses, gave riding lessons, Uncle Henry took care of the grounds, horses, {even shoed them}. He was a great carpenter & in emergencies, a plumber. All the men in our family & acquaintance were skilled, everyone worked hard but knew how to have a good time & share holidays. My aunt took care of the house & two sons. Their living quarters were exquisite.

And then, in spite of giant obstacles, big men who worked against me, I was finally recognized as the beginning of female body building & gained proper recognition.

By the same token, every penny that had been denied me – the life insurance my first husband cancelled, my Mom depriving me as a child of even the permission to sustain myself – other people using me to make money but not giving me my fair share, when I danced or modeled – all this was overturned by one man, Richard Von Werder, my saint of a husband who helped & supported me while we were together, & on his death set me up for life. I would never be broke or desperate again. This was all planned by God. My celibacy is what brought Mr Von Werder to me. When I could marry no man because I was abstinent – Richard approved my vow & loved me – he said all he wanted was companionship & respected me for being a good woman–that was GOD working through him. I even saw it in a dream, he in the audience watching me dance, an angel tapping him on the shoulder & saying ‘there is your wife.’ Remember, God chose celibate Holy St. Joseph to be the husband of Mary & the foster father of Our Lord; in the same way God discovered the perfect man for me, a celibate woman, to love, honor & protect me – & he did.

At age 16 I left my Mom’s abuse & went to live with Dad in Brooklyn. Within a year I got an opportunity to be driven to California by a famous Playboy photographer, – I took the chance. Things went sour with him & he threw me out on the street. But within 4 years he saw me in Playboy, asked them for my address, went to see me in my charming house in Beverly Hills. I had become a model & dancer & supported myself. {No help from family or any man.} A hard life, sometimes not knowing where my next meal would come from, but I succeeded again & again & again, through my faith in God.

Again I say, the abuse of my family was MEANT TO BE, much of which I explained, but here again I must emphasize this point. Yes, it hurt. Yes, as a child I felt like killing myself. Yes, it destroyed my self esteem as a woman. I had no ‘self esteem’ nor any delusions of grandeur harbored by one who believes in their flesh. Lack of faith in the physical sent all of it to God, my One & Only, the trust, hope, faith & confidence was on God & God alone – for the flesh is weak, & the Spirit that quickens.

I am now 75 years old & at the end of my life, writing memoirs. Right now on Part 4 of my life story, ‘I Strip for God, Parts 1 & 2 are out, Part 3 will be out in a week or two. After Part 4 I will probably write two more books, right away, on my life, as it’s been full of adventure & experience & my memory is good. At age 63 I became a cougar, quit the celibacy of 30 years at the behest of God – God said stop suffering, go out & have fun. But it wasn’t all fun & games, I ended up having heart attacks - by the time I got to the hospital I was almost dead. They said they didn’t know how many attacks I had had, I thought they were anxiety attacks, all caused by this love affair with Bob, a troubled young man. God tells me he & I will eventually be together but I have put our relationship on hold. These memoirs of mine will be put into a major movie, I’ve been talking about it with my agent for years. The movie will be big, I am told, winning Academy Awards.

The family pic, third below, – back row is Dad holding me, a friend, my Mom. The old people in front left sponsored us to America, we lived with them, it’s 1949-1950 – calling them Grandparents, but they were distant relatives. They respected Dad a lot & were going to set us up with 5 grand {a huge amount then} but Mom foiled it. We lived with them on Ivy St, Kearny, NJ.

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