My Spiritual Husband – which means REAL husband – has died of a drug overdose on 8-14-22 … He was home with a drug partner – This
lovely person might have watched him take the
final dose.
He chose another instead of me & rehab, he wanted to keep me as his ‘back door woman’ with her up in front on social media but I said ‘no more,’ it’s either her or me. He had no way out
but death as he didn’t have the strength to leave the drugged-up ‘friends’ & benighted partner
Continue to Channel 8-17-22
For IMAGES of my spiritual husband, whose real name is Nicholas Anthony Van Dunk, see the Shiva Shrines ‘Venus, Adonis-Rasa, Jeffry’ & ‘the Holy
Grail of Manhood <> Jeffrey Michelangelo’ These shrines exemplify my love for him from day one & give some insights – A most relevant fact is that from the beginning I encouraged
him to go into rehab. His ‘friends’ were against me & my advise – These ‘friends’ are all posting on his face book after death, saying how much they loved him. But most of them
discouraged him from being with me & taking the guidance I gave. I PREDICTED over & over if he didn’t quit the drugs he would die of an overdose. But sadly, he chose his path
& now he is dead - if only his friends helped me with him, this could have been avoided. But they PRESSURED him to leave me & applauded his negative relationships.
Like wolves, they howled for him to stay with the pack. But now their tails should be between their legs. The happy side of this is he has left them, his body is gone. But he is
with me spiritually, metaphysically, he is not dead, he is alive with me. We are happy. He loves me, I love him, in True Love. He had to die to leave them, he saw
no other way; he did not have the strength to defy the demons for me.
These shrines I had put up about Nick in 2014 & 2015, I removed due to his complaints – as his friends wee razzing hm – & just now I put them back up. He is dead, they can’t harass
him any more, he & I are now free to love one another & share our love for eternity. We are happy. I can’t say this to everyone as they are so shallow they will not have the least
understanding, some of these people are less than animals – animals are good.
From friend Pete Jackson in response to my complaints about his ‘friends’ who didn’t want me with him, denied he was ever abused & took drugs to mask the pain, denied he was an addict, denied that I could help him personally or career wise, etc:
As for the people that knew him being in such denial (if not outright enablers) about his drug addiction problem and such, that was probably because either a) they were fake friends who literally didn’t care at all if he lived or died, b) they were simply far too selfish and self-centered to do anything about it, or c) they simply didn’t want to believe such a thing was true because the very idea scared the crap out of them, and perhaps they thought they could just wish it all away. The same goes for the denial about Xxxxx abusing him as well.
My article: Been speaking to him constantly & learning lots re him, some new things from his POV & he from mine. In this sort of ‘channeling’ it’s more than the usual that I do, he’s actually united to my soul as mate. In some cases of channeling I’m reading minds, the person isn’t even aware that I’m doing it.
But with Nick, since he is joined as my spiritual husband, by God, he’s in my space, I’m in his & he reads me like I read him & we are truly communicating.
His no longer having a body, but both of us being happier than ever, reminds me of the story of Abelard & Heloise:
What happened between Abelard and Heloise?
In 1115 Abelard met Heloise, who was living with her uncle, Fulbert at the Îls de Cité. At this point, she was likely in her early twenties, and Abelard decided to seduce her, offering her uncle to tutor her. At this point, she was known to be a brilliant scholar and well-versed in Latin, Greek and Hebrew. He, on the other hand, was 37 years old and in his prime as a teacher of philosophy and theology. Unfortunately, the affair ended in pregnancy and Abelard had her removed to his family home in Brittany, where she gave birth to a son, named Astrolabe. After having married her in secret, he sent Heloise to a convent at Argenteuil to protect her. Soon after, Fulbert organised a band of men, who broke into Abelard’s room, where he was castrated. As a consequence, Abelard decided to become a monk and persuaded Heloise to enter religious life. Their story, and what followed is known from his autobiographical writings, the Historia Calamitatum, seven letters between Abelard and Heloise, and four letters between Peter the Venerable and Heloise (three by Peter, one by Heloise). Also, we possess a collection of “lost love letters” which has been argued to be fragments of the illicit correspondence, which they engaged in during the winter of 1115 – 16.
Theirs was a very carnal affair! No doubt about that. For one thing, a son was born of the illicit lovemaking. Yet, the story of Abelard and Heloise is also a story of how – in a medieval context – love might be so much more than sex (amor).
……………………………………………….
And so, God reminds me of this famous love affair because now, Nick is with me sans his body & penis, we cannot have sex – Sex was almost all we did while together – he would not openly court me because he was afraid of his peers, the ‘hood,’ & later other women. They were all against me. The majority of his friends were drug addicts & they were like a pack of wolves, ridiculing him for loving me, for the pics I took of him, shaming him for wanting a much older woman (He was 19, I was 66 when we began our love. It was July 10, 2011. I shall never forget the date.)
Of course, it could be seen many times he was after me in the clubs we frequented, but he did not permit images of us together, he did not put me on social media. Sometimes he introduced me to people as ‘his girl friend’, sometimes he hid from me & denied me – it was a horrendously stressful time for me as I was deeply in love.
So was he but he tried not to show it & his odd behavior caused at least one friend to say of him he was ‘crazy.’ {I was standing around outside in the Garden area of Uncle Tony’s. He sent a guy to go get me to dance with him – the guy came over & said Nick asked him to come get me to go to him. I told him it was no use, Nick would run away when I approached. The guy insisted, so I said, let’s go, you will see. We come up to Nick, I have my arm around the guy. Nick gets mad at the guy, tells him why is he touching me? The guy says – ‘She’s touching me, you’re crazy,’ & walks away. We had a short conversation in which Nick said wittily that he & ‘girls’ didn’t mix. I
said who do you mix with? He said ‘I mix with scotch, whiskey etc.’ – something like that. He was indirectly telling me he liked older women, not girls.
Another time we’re at ‘Flashbacks’ – a large dance floor. He keeps looking at me but won’t approach. I know approaching him is fatal, so I go up to another handsome guy. At that point he gets very close – like from 25’ away to 10’ away, trying to distract me from the guy. Then he asks another guy to get me to dance with him. I approach & he runs around the post in the club, round & round we go. Later he waited for me in the parking lot & jumped into my car.
There were times, when he simply approached me & asked me to go with him. The firs time was right on the street in front of the club, the next time was in the club & I said,
“What are you doing tonight?”
{It had been a long time since our first date. He’d cut his hair, grew a beard, I didn’t know he was the same guy! Three years had gone by we’d not seen each other – they told him I was dead!}
His answer, ‘Being with you’
& off we went.
But his common routine was not to stand with me or speak with me in public but wait for me to go to my car & secretly approach. And in the end, his most common ploy was go to the window of my 2nd floor apt, make noise, throw pebbles to my window, shine a light up from his phone. I’d get up out of bed & go open the locked front apt door & was ecstatic to see him. I always went into a trancelike state when we were near, especially when we were alone & about to make love. He never wasted one moment on that.
We had a major falling out because of the pictures I took of him & put on the internet. I paid him as a model, they are professional images both dressed, naked & erotic. They were on my site, ‘Embodiment of God’ & I put the dressed ones on face book. His peers ridiculed him & razzed him mercilessly, he asked with me to take them down but I would not. Two years later, I took most of them down. Meanwhile he would not speak to me for 9 months.
I was heartbroken; he got himself a new gf who was also a druggie. They all were, it’s hard to find one that wasn’t. He was never faithful to one. He always had some girl or other he was having sex with along with the regular steady. But he was not in love with every girl.
It’s tedious for me to write these things as I’ve done so a hundred times. Perhaps I can swing back to it bit by bit. Let me get to the now & our channeling.
He is dead, as of 2 days ago. I had to get over the grief because he’s sitting inside me & he said it took away some of his bliss. I am concerned for his happiness, so I reprogrammed my brain to realize he is here, he is happy, I must also be. He’s not dead, he said. But he is dead TO THEM.
He’s expressing to me again & again how he could not leave them no matter how much he wanted to. The people in his hood he’s known since kindergarten. They are posting pictures – dozens of them – from back when they were 10-11 years old in school. These people are a mob, the majority of them think alike, feel alike. A large percent are druggies, in fact, those he hangs with the most all are – this is true of all druggies & alcoholics, birds of a feather flock together.
This mob of ‘friends’ are mostly against me. Indeed there might be a couple who believed in our love – I had them tell me, but most of them were against us for various reasons, the main one, I wanted him in rehab, I said it again & again, that he would die if this kept up, but he didn’t believe me. Every druggie thinks he’s the one that will not overdose, but they do.
Now I see his dilemma, not having the strength to do as I asked.
He called me recently, after not speaking for a super long time. In fact, he almost never called me, in his entire life, I think it was 3 times. He would not give me his phone, but he gave it to every other girl he met!
God told me 4 months previous he would call me on June 2nd, 2022, & he did! Lucky I was awake & by the computer & phone. It was 3:44 – a call from a number unfamiliar – I usually ignore such calls but someone I knew was ill & I was afraid it might be about them, so I pick up. It’s Nick & we’ve not spoken since last time we made love – July 2019.
We speak until 5:15 – 1.5 hours. He tells me he wants to see me, he’ll find a ride to my house, which is 28 miles away. I tell him I can’t go on like we were before – him putting his gf on social media as the ‘one’ like a wife, while I’m the back door woman. I said I have to be the one he honors on face book – not her. And for us to live together, he would first have to go into rehab as I cannot live with an addict. He denies being an addict – I know he’s lying. I know the female he’s with is an addict also, that’s what keeps the relationship going. We kind of go in circles as we speak, going back to the same issues. He wants to see me, I’m not crazy about the idea. Of course, now in retrospect I regret not inviting him. Wow, how I regret. Hindsight hurts.
Now in speaking to him I will discuss the most troublesome questions. This is different from channeling, because he is right here, inside me. As I go about my duties day & night, he sees through my eyes & sometimes, not often, makes comments. He is perfectly content here, he is believe it or not, not bored, not eager to see his old friends, including any women. He does not miss anything of his prior life. He’s joyful being here, as amazing as it sounds. He did say ‘If only I still had a body, I’d like to make love to you’ & we both laughed. Our love is just as strong without the physical expression or presence. In fact, I loved him so much that I became celibate after our last meeting – simply having no desire whatever for other men. I’d rather not do it, it’s like desecrating my Sacred space to be with another man.
We spoke about that on the phone. I told him I’d not been with another man since him, that I lost my sex drive. He said,
“It’ll come back.”
I also spoke about our spiritual marriage, that we are One & can never be separated & that we would be One in eternity, after death. He said several times – can’t recall in what context – that ‘You are Anointed.’ So let me speak to him.
ME: Nick, I am troubled now that I did not let you come over during our last conversation. What would have happened had I let you?’
NICK: It would have been the same as before. It would have rekindled your extreme desire & you would have again waited weeks & weeks to hear from me, with baited breath, until I’d call & come over when I was good & ready.
You had suffered through that so many years – you would have started to suffer again. I was selfish, I did not understand your suffering because I was so self absorbed. And so, it would have been great for me but terrible for you. I would have got what I wanted, you would not have. It might have shortened your life.
ME: Yes, I agree. But would it have prevented your death?
NICK: Rasa, it was not what God wanted. You can’t be tortured that way any more. You gave me an ultimatum, I could not keep it. You’d given me years to straighten out, I could not summon he courage to do it. You struggled against yourself & got over the addiction to me. It took every ounce of what was in you, but you did it. Like you told me, you still loved me & always would, but you were no longer obsessed. To become obsessed or addicted again to seeing me would have taken a terrible price from you.
Like I said, it was not what God wanted. God tried to make me straighten out by sending you to me. Yu gave me a chance, you suffered like a dog at my hands. You got the multiple heart attacks, your life was shortened somewhat & not as comfortable. Your energy is zapped, your body hurts from all the stress. What did I care? I was just a young, brash guy using you for love – I was getting my monthly fix from you, you filled me up with so much Light I didn’t need another refill for a months. But you suffered.
Again, I repeat, this is not what God wanted any more. You’d had enough.
ME: OK. You put up such a good front, I see now. You posted again & again about what God had taken from you. I will retrieve, when I have time, all the remarks I believe pertained to me. Were they about me – where you spoke again & again what the devil did or what God had taken away?
NICK: All your dreams were true, re my pain, horrible pain. Then you’d look at my fb & I was putting up a front like I cared about sports, music & all that crap – I didn’t. I was just pretending. My mind was on you & what I had lost.
At this point, since I wasn’t complying with your requests, you’d given up & just basically said maybe it’ll never happen, so be it, God’s will. But I wanted to be with you. Not one minute went by that I didn’t. You were the fulfillment of all my desires, as I was yours.
ME: Did you actually knowingly take your own life with that overdose?
NICK: It was unconscious. I could no longer live without you. I didn’t care about life. I did not protect myself, I was careless, & because of this, I died. Unconsciously I knew that when I died, I’d flip over to be with you. That’s what I wanted. I couldn’t do it any other way, I wasn’t strong enough. You had reviewed with me, as you had before, that we were joined by God & would be together forever. I believed you & it’s true. I entered your domain, your Kingdom, your spiritual space. And I am in bliss. You are Love. Not only love for me, you love all, you love animals, people & Souls in Purgatory. I’m in the middle of all that. How could I not be happy?
Me: But the people you had a good time with, don’t you miss them? You were the life of the party. Everyone – hundreds are posting on your site. They are putting pics & videos. They are ranting & raving about you. These same people put hardly any likes when you tried to sell or promote your music, yet they are all over you now you’re dead. If one looks at all the letters, images & videos, one would think you were in love with all these people.
NICK: This was all an act. I was lively like that after drinking & drugging. Without the substances, I felt my pain from the childhood abuse. You were conscious & aware of that pain, you were concerned. You knew that was why I was an addict. You wanted desperately to heal that pain, to get me off drugs as I was in danger of OD’ing. These people never guessed at my pain, were completely unaware. They are on a much lower level. They just wanted to have fun with me, use me for entertainment. It was shallow, it was fake, it was a burden. In the end I knew I wanted & needed that True Love you gave. I couldn’t have it any more, you weren’t addicted, I had to straighten out to have you. That was the kicker – I couldn’t do it.
I was looking how to heal my pain. The drugs were temporary, you were the permanent fix. But I had to make a choice. I kept procrastinating to what I had to do until it was too late. You couldn’t wait forever. So I died, that solved the problem. No one understands the situation but you. They look at the outside, they are on the physical, shallow plane.
They speak of me being in Peace. Yes, I am at Peace, little do they know. I can’t communicate with them, speak to them. They are on such a low level compared to where I am now with you, they cannot pick up my vibes, thoughts or words. I can’t communicate with them, they can’t hear me. We are in different worlds. Now I understand you fully & what you were trying to do, level me up, bring me out of there, save me. This is the way it has to be, it is God’s will. Be happy, no grief. I could not stand up against the entire neighborhood & my druggie friends, my only way out was death. So here I am. I love you, you love me, that’s all that matters, we are happy.
Don’t share this with them, they will piss & shit on our relationship, they will have no inkling of its value or Sacredness. This is for us alone & those few that will understand. Keep it Sacred & Secret, except for the more enlightened folks.
ME: Amen. We’ll continue talking & I will share again with the good folks. I will not reach out to your fake friends. Next time I want to express what suffering you went through after you believed you had lost me.
8-17-22 Nick appears as Errol Flynn, Deep kisses & later, a sex act
There were many & involved dreams, but I only recall the highlights, as for the last months I’ve not concentrated on dreams due to working on my life story. I learned that if I don’t focus on the dreams they fade away fast, so I’m trying to retrieve now what I can.
OK, so now Nick appears as Errol Flynn. He is BUYING ME A CAR but I can’t make up my mind what I want – used car, new car, just recall I wanted WHITE. I am so undecisive he gets frustrated & mad, I try to appease him, saying,
*** (ERROL FLYNN: You got in touch with Errol in Purgatory & ministered to him. He was famous as a great lover. You had a charismatic {Holy Spirit} union or relationship for the months you ministered to him. Nick was like that – a Holy Spirit relationship, but he was also in a ‘Purgatory’ over you. Not sure what this means as to how you frustrated him, but the WHITE is the MARRIAGE or RELATIONSHIP. You didn’t want JUST SEX, you wanted a relationship. You broke up with him because he would not commit at one time, he vomited from the car window. Was that 2015, for a few months? Later, you made up again & continued making love. This might be saying that when you would not give him sex he was frustrated & angry.) ***
“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted.”
We are at the car dealership off to the side, he’s in a vehicle like in a driver’s seat, leaning back, I am like in the passenger seat. I calm him down. I kiss him – before that he was so sad he almost cried. We kiss softly & our tongues meet & we do this kissing for a long time, everything is SOLVED, we are reconciled, we are at peace
*** {TONGUE KISSING: This must be the reconciliation, all is well as you started up again.} ***
