College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

His Breast Attempt

I Strip for God Part 9 The Life in my Men

His Breast Attempt

Where do I begin? Let’s start with A – Dr. Robert Atkins.

OK I was looking for a remedy for my constipation. It’s a lifelong problem & I only realized later it got worse due to not having sex. I’d taken the vow of celibacy May 27, 1978, this was 1981 & my bowels stopped moving, I guess due to no peristaltic nervous system activity. But then I wasn’t sure.

I am in Manhattan & I go by this huge brick clinic & there’s a doctor there – I wasn’t sure who he was but he was famous. I envisioned him as ‘Stillman,’ the ‘water doc’ – who I’d seen on TV.

So I go in, a shaggy sheep dog greets me. I speak to the nurses & somehow they con me into getting the ‘hypoglycemia’ test – they strong arm everyone that walks in to get this, as it’s like $480. out of my pocket {no insurance} into theirs. And I fall for it.

They take your blood – then they make you FAST – no food for 24 hours & take your blood again. Something about your blood drops real low, then real high, some crap that PROVES you – & everyone else on earth – is HYPOCLYCEMIC. And WTF does that prove & what do they do abut it? I can’t even recall but I think you have to go on what he called his diet – the same as numbnuts body builders believed in during that time that I also fell for – all meat -{I just looked his up, it says limited carbs, but the body builders then preached none}.

Yes, I was training then & yes, I followed that foolish diet & yes, I was in perfect shape.

Now its time to see the big man. I’m sitting on the silver table waiting for him in the white smock. He comes in I’m supposed to be bare to the waist – no nurse in sight.

His jaw drops as he sees my body & his hand pops out to touch my breast,

“Are those real?”

At that moment he’s just a man, & I grab his wrist & stop him. He gasps & sits down at a table close by exclaiming,

“But I’m a doctor!’

And I say,

“I came in for constipation, not a breast exam.’

Above: Me in 1981 – Perfection

Hearing my complaints he recommends an x ray, which I have to get elsewhere, that I never go to. I knew vaguely there was nothing to see there & as I said, with no insurance, it would be a big bite – I was poor.

He asks me how I chose to visit him. I tell him I thought he was ‘the water doc’ & he seems disappointed.

I look around his office & see he has ART FOR SALE. That interests me & it also makes me curious.

Since now I now he’s a celebrity & I’m fascinated by the famous, I wonder, maybe I should ask to see his stuff.

While I’m in the waiting room he comes around {unusual} & we chat about his paintings & somehow or other, he asks me to dinner.

Below – Me from 1975 to 1981

You know what’s coming: The man-woman thing, how far will it get?

He gives me his address – it’s Sutton Place, the most expensive street in NYC.

{This place was worth millions. He told me his clinic cost him 52k a month – obviously rakin’ in the rough – all those hypoglycemia tests added up.}

I take a private elevator to the penthouse, its modern with modern furniture. I have him take a Polaroid of me in my magenta dress. {If I can find it it’ll be here} I’m wearing my honey-blonde long wavy wig & look comfy on his grey couch.

But I get a BIG LAUGH when I see the bedroom. Behind his bed is one of those ghastly original paintings of the orangutan with a beautiful naked woman – which I’d seen in Playboy. This is his taste in art? I know it’s expensive, but disgusting.

The rest of the pics here & there is mostly ‘modern art,’ boring & ugly. I ask him why is it like that? He says

“That’s what people buy.”

And I think he’s just in it for the money, he has no LOVE of art.

He takes me to an Indian place for dinner; the only thing I recall him saying was,

“I hope you DON’T HAVE A GUN” lol.

The “Scarsdale diet” doc had just been done is by a school mistress.

We finish dinner, I say I must rush off somewhere, need a cab. He seems disturbed like what went wrong? Hey, what did he expect, that he’d now take me back to his place & get a shag? I knew that was coming – that’s why I took off.

A short time later he calls & wants to come over for dinner. I live in Williamsburg when it was a SLUM – this was 1981 – so the idea is not exactly top notch, but I do consent.

He talks about bringing his sheep dog but when I tell him it’s 6 flights of stairs he says the dog won’t make it.

I Cook Dinner for Robert Atkins!

Can you believe that? And I have a phobia for cooking as Mom beat me with her fists when I tried. But I cook salmon. Can’t recall what went with it, since his diet is all protein. Can’t recall what we ate at the Indian place either, they are usually low on meat.

I ask him how the meal was & he says,

“You can’t go wrong with salmon.”

Next, he asks me about my dancing & then surprises me by saying,

“Show me.”

I put on my classiest outfit – a see-through white job that is loose net on top, all long hula strings from waist to ankles, & I play my most classical music, starting with

“Orchids in the Moonlight.”

I take off half the stuff, if I remember right, leaving the net bra & g-string embroidered with silver rhinestones, that’s all he gets.

We converse & he hints around marriage. I must say this here. With rich men it’s a tricky game. If you want to marry one, you don’t know whether to give it to them or not. If you don’t they might want you more, if you do, they might not want you. It’s a gamble. I suppose if the sex is real exciting to them – & this is all in the mind – then they’ll want you to marry you or be his mistress. But if it isn’t exciting you are a hot potato & bye. So the woman takes a risk either way.

In my case I already knew I DID NOT want to marry him. The reasons being this. First & foremost, I was CELIBATE. The Holy Lady told me not to tell anyone – so he did not know.

Second, he was JEWISH & I a Christian. I’m not like Marilyn Monroe or Liz Taylor, having a faith so casual I throw it aside for someone.

And third, I was not turned on, attracted to be with him even if I gave up my celibacy & faith & I was not ‘in love’ with him.

It wasn’t the AGE – he was 51 to my 36 in 1981 – He just didn’t sway me. I dated another ‘older’ man – Mickey Hargitay, who was a MAJOR TURN ON – Micky was 41 to my 22 in 1967. But then how can a diet doc compete with a Mr. Universe? {More on him later}

When he realized I wasn’t interested he started talking about a lady who was being evicted from her apt that needed a place to stay, he was going to let her move in. So let her – our affair was done.

College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Evil Patriachs vs Good Matriarchs

Matriarchy vs Patriarchy Discussion 9-18-22

Evils of Patriarchy—Good of Matriarchy

From Pete Jackson:

Indeed, Rasa, the way you say it is a much more accurate take on what is going on these days. It is Satan’s system of patriarchy and necrotechnocracy that is the root cause of it all, and that evil system is now finally collapsing (first gradually, then suddenly, in Hemingway fashion as it were) to ultimately pave the way for Matriarchy and Mother God.

Women have the power to create Paradise on Earth, but of course they can also create hell on Earth as well. They can go either way depending on who is in charge, and more importantly how and which whom their own energy frequencies are aligned.

Men, on the other hand, can ONLY seem to create hell despite numerous attempts over millennia to create Paradise or Utopia of some sort. And it’s not for lack of trying. Capitalism, communism, Marxism, socialism, fascism, feudalism, technocracy, all major political parties history, and practically every religion that has a name, were all utterly failed attempts at such. Immanentizing the eschaton is clearly NOT men’s forte at all, it seems, as they seem to have the reverse Midas touch (everything they touch turns to crap). At best, they create an illusion of paradise which ultimately and inevitably devolves to hell.

What did Gandhi say about Western Civilization? “I think it would be a great idea”. LOL Pete Jackson

On another thread – re the now hysteria re trans women, that men believe they should be treated the same as are women, like letting them share saunas with them, etc.

From Rasa: William is right, it’s all about attacking, discrediting & disempowering women. They have gone nuts since it’s been proven that women are superior to men due to having two X chromosomes, & that men are going extinct. This is their lame way of fighting back. But lame is also evil & cruel. The demons do nasty little things to gum up our lives & horrific big things. Like attacking the pc’s & ability to make a purchase at Lulu for me, & giving deadly fake vaccine shots to others, the little & the big. And many HUGE things to do with laws, military, culture policies, etc. They are out to steal, kill, destroy & murder. They are demonic. Our weapons are our virtues. Put on the whole armor of God. There is no other way to fight Satan. The physical like they kill us, we kill them, is not the way. The way is IDEAS. On that we are well armored, us three. What you guys revealed here is a start on the issue. What you are saying gives me a beginning to which I can respond. Yes it infuriates me. Yes I’m beginning to catch on due to you two, I knew nothing of it until now. My greatest weapon is Obedience. I hear Her Voice. I do what She tells me to – that is all. She knows what to do, I don’t – not as a human in my flesh, I am just clay in Her hands. Of course I must study, then pray, then obey. I will get to this later. Rasa

From William Bond: Hi Everyone

My book, “Why Men Are The Submissive Sex” is now on Amazon.

I am thinking about writing a new book. I think the reason why many women reject Matriarchy is because they think it is impossible for women to rule our world. So writing a book about how it could be possible might interest women. Although it will have to be a spiritual book as I think it will only be possible though women communicating once again with MotherGod. William

WHY MEN ARE THE SUBMISSIVE SEX: A Study of Male Stereotypes and Female Authority Figures

Did try to look at the female wood cutter video but it said ‘video unavailable’. But some time ago I did see a similar film about female lumberjacks in Britain during WW2. Also, I can remember what my mother and some aunts said. My mother was a air-raid warden and did this throughout all the bombing of London. One of my aunts worked in a factory during the war and she surprised herself at being able to do skilled machine work while another became a bus driver during the war.

I get the impression women are frightened of men and for good reason, man are bigger, stronger and more violent than women. Also many men will undermine women’s confidence in themselves. I see this in my wife her first husband undermined her confidence in herself all the time. Her children tell me they can see a big difference in their mother since she got involved with me, as she is now more confident in herself.

I think feminism has helped women a lot but patriarchy has taken control of it and has placed strict limit on it. william

From Rasa: Yes William, our mission is not an easy one but we must push on & have faith & confidence in our work.

The thing is there was a war. Women lost the war. And now they are POW’s. They have been BRAINWASHED into believing that things should be the way they are. And we must un-brainwash them.

We’re doing a good job. Rasa

From Pete Jackson: Very well-said, both of you.

For the 7000 year long gender war (which they call “patriarchy” to make it sound nicer), men have indeed won just about every single battle thus far. Kinda like how the Americans won almost every single battle in Vietnam. But in both cases, it’s also irrelevant. In the long run, Women will win the war, God willing.

But you are correct in that the classic POW mentality is all too real indeed, and we must un-brainwash them from it.

Best wishes and have a good night, Pete

From William Bond: Hi Everyone

I think we have to be careful in assuming that patriarchy v Matriarchy is just about men v women. Many women are defenders of patriarchy while men men promote Matriarchy. Also men suffer under patriarchy as well as women.

All patriarchy gives us is “blood, sweat and tears”. Slavery and serfdom as well as a huge gap between rich and poor is normal for all patriarchal societies as well as senseless wars, genocide and torture. The majority of men do not benefit from patriarchy it is only the 1% of wealthy individuals that gain from it.

The power of patriarchy comes from men’s submissive nature in obeying those in authority. The power of any despotic ruler comes from an army of young men who will obey his orders without question. Men obedience to orders is so extreme that soldiers will come out of trenches to die in machine gun fire because they have been ordered to do so. I believe that men were once totally obedient to women but somehow a group of devious alpha men wrestles this power away from women and got men to obey them instead of women.

For this reason we need to sell Matriarchy to both women and men and explain how both sexes will benefit from it and question patriarchal brainwashing. William

to William,

You are totally right. It isn’t just men vs women, it’s the SPIRIT OF LOVE that a minority of men DEFEATED by the SPIRIT OF HATE. They hate other men as well as women, it is Satan against God. It is Lucifer, in Heaven, a man still in the state of Grace, turning against Mother God & saying

“I will not serve!”

And then St. Michael the Archangel, who could be a female as easily as a male, smited him, sent him down into Hell or OUTSIDE the STATE OF GRACE. And the myth says that ONE THIRD of the angels followed him – which to me means ONE THIRD OF MEN followed the demonic Patriarchal leader/s. That leaves two thirds of men outside the demonic, still in the Grace of God, the unfortunate ones that are manipulated by the tyrants.

When you & I were posting a lot of public media, William, occasionally a female would attack you just because you’re a man, thinking they were above you because they were female. And here you are the Prophet of Matriarchy who heralded its beginning on the internet. They should have shown you deference & respect instead of criticism. Of course I blasted them & then they turned against me – these women were of the demonic spirit. “It is the spirit that quickens, not the flesh.”

And once again, when the shallow ‘friendships” of Face book & such have faded away, who remains to serve Matriarchy with us? Not a woman, although I reached out to them & some were on the list – it was Pete! And he’s been loyal for years, he has the Spirit of Mother God.

So yes, thank you for bringing out that important distinction, William, because if we condemn all men we go against Buddha, Jesus & all the great male saints & victims of Patriarchy, the True Friends of Mother God & the world of love these men portrayed. It is dangerous to just say ‘men & women’ & what you said needs to be recalled often in our work. Rasa

From William: I agree Rasa, we also need to think about Matriarchy as the spirit of love. If we look at patriarchal history we find rulers who care little for the people they rule and at times they seem to hate them. The world would be a far better place if we had rulers who cared and loved the people they rule.

The only way we can have loving rulers is to be ruled by loving, maternal and nurturing women. So we can vote into power women like this and not vote for selfish people who only want power for themselves. William

Rasa: Yes if people like Buddha or Jesus ruled the world we’d be Golden. But such people can’t rise to the top when Patriarchs rule, as Patriarchs are CRIMINALS who will do anything to injure & kill those of God. Look at the Pharisees in Jesus’ time – they gave him the biggest heartaches, they were truly evil. These are Patriarchs & their way of ‘killing’ by the letter of the law.

And so, we are left with the idea that women must, somehow, some way, some day, take over the family & the world. My solution is the long term one which I think God is implementing anyway, as I speak. Women have to regain, reanimate the ‘masculine’ within themselves, which they sacrificed long ago when they created offspring called ‘men’ – which became more & more masculine over the millennia & turned into the ‘Gorillas’ we know today. They have overstepped & gone over the top as far as aggression & lack of compassion. And as males are bit by bit phased out now over millennia, women must also regain what they sacrificed at one time. They thought by creating macho men their lives would be easier. This offspring could do the hard work, the dirty work, the killing & protecting. That worked for a while, maybe 100k years or so. But then they came to a point when some men became ‘Lucifer’ & said ‘I will not serve’ & in the myth, wanted to be worshipped as was Mother God. Isn’t that what we have now?

This is not a quick political solution, this will take thousands of years. However, if we abide by these IDEAS now we can see the writing on the wall. Indeed, partially through God getting me to instigate female body building as well as results of the whole feminist movement, women are doing just what I said. But there’s still a long way to go & we must be informed, animated, inspired & strengthened by the IDEAS here presented. Rasa

Re newsfeeds ‘The Daily Sceptic’, ‘Common Dreams’ & ‘AlterNet’

From Rasa: I checked all 3 of the news feeds you gave me Pete. I subscribed to Common Dreams only. {I think I did, gave them my e mail} I liked one article they did on the conspiracy against women, where centers are seducing women into thinking they will get them an abortion when first they are lying to them & are against abortion, & now, even looking to get women arrested seeking abortions. It seems there’s now a 10k bounty on this & might rise to 100k! Unbelievable!

I checked the material on the others & there’s too much MAINSTREAM CONTENT like Tweedle de dee & Tweedle de dum……….I don’t want my mind focused on the ‘this is what he said today, then he answered this, then she said, then he said.”……this is a WASTE OF TIME for me just as the mainstream media is a waste of time. One can get centered on the minutiae, looking at the trees, & lose sight of the forest, which would then put me in the same place as the average Jane Doe.

Although Brighteon is EXTREME & most of the things they explain might not come true or won’t affect me, they suit me well. I will also re-subscribe to Sons of Liberty, although they are fanatics on uncovering every police crime there is as well as they are an extreme ‘Christian’ {Christian as understood by men} & therefore partially anti-woman place, but yet, they suit me better than mainstream.

Although the extremes might be too extreme, they do not rivet me onto the tiny little minutiae arguments going on here in our society. I need the big picture or where the big applies to the little going on. Like the transgender thingy is one small thing, but it portrays the BIG hysteria men have against women, they want to be EQUAL to women – the gender that can REPRODUCE – the gender that is NOT going extinct – & so this focuses in with the big picture. Rasa

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Judgement for Nick

9-13-22 His Choice – too ashamed to admit what a fool he was

Nick now sees clearly what a fool he was to chose Ruth Anne over me. It was evil & he forfeited the benefits I brought him.

He is so embarrassed he can’t admit it. And everyone he knew knows he was a fool – that embarrasses him the most.

The beginning is terrible frustration, confusion.

I’m going on a trek. This gets vague. It’s going out like being feted, then not exactly that, but sort of vague connections with this person or that person. I leave from a comfortable apt where I’m supposed to check in with my host later, I have a key I think & a phone number. Later I CAN’T FIND this phone number when I get lost in the mall, great frustration. I needed my host to tell me the ADDRESS as I am a VISITOR & can’t recall how to get there.

What I do remember is this young man who seemed to be dressed in light blue, somehow with me but not with me, just totally unusual as he was with me at first, then seemed to be sitting at a different table. This restaurant where I do recall him was spread out, with dozens of people at little tables; the color light blue is everywhere. He has medium honey blonde hair, almost in a ‘Dutch’ style where it has bangs, straight across, & cut straight across just under the ears – This in a soft way, not extreme, slightly tousled. Then he disappears.

Then I wander through the mall trying to figure out how do I get out of here & back to my host, & I don’t have my cell phone, so I look for change – can’t find any although I know I had some before. Then I look for a phone booth. I find a phone booth, but don’t have the change or the number which I know I wrote down on a white slip of paper but where is it? I’m still somehow trying to make the call, maybe borrowing some change, it is cumbersome & I can sometimes recall numbers, so I’m trying.

*** {MEANING: This terribly FRUSTRATING part is when you went out INTO THE WORLD at the behest or order of God & attempted to do as She said. She said quit the celibacy, go out & HAVE FUN. What you were LOST FROM was Mother God, you lost your Intimacy, Nonduality or Enlightenment consciousness.

This is a CLEAR EXPLANATION of how one; when they put their mind on things OTHER THAN GOD, lose their Intimacy & what else I stated, of God.

{God knew this would happen of course but you didn’t understand it fully until now.}

So here I am in the world, involved, my mind on people, & the young male who appears that I am focused on is NICK. He is with me, he isn’t. Like musical chairs, he comes & goes, he is jumping from here to there, when finally he ABANDONS ME for that drug partner. That’s his DISAPPEARANCE. {After a while we continued doing sex but he was gone as my steady, which being steady was not steady in the strict sense of the word, but we were a couple. This is not portrayed in the dream like its irrelevant to the dream. All that is relevant is he left me for a drug partner.}

The whole scene in blue including him is probably not the blue of depression, but the BLUE OF BOYS, me being a Cougar, they the young men. They are everywhere, especially on my mind, many small tables; Nick is hanging with them a lot – shows all the young males & Nick one of them, many tables.

The HOST who sent me out, my base, who also is my benefactor is of course God. I leave God to go out into the world. I thought I had the means of getting back – which is the address or phone number & the means of getting that phone call or communication with Her – BUT I DON’T. I can’t get back to my Host, God! Imagine how frustrating that is for me. Nick has left me, God has left me, I am truly LOST. This was my state during the time outside of God & even a while after, until I go cleared out, cleansed & clarified – it’s an important point that God, myself & Nick all agreed, that had I consented to continue seeing him for sex, I would have been in misery, as all that lost-ness would have come back. He’d been with his drug partner, & I’d be in the middle of the deep blue ocean without a paddle for my canoe.}***

Somehow this entire mall scene ends & another scene begins. The next part is not frustrating at all, it is PEACE.

* {PEACE: All this being outside ends. I stopped seeing Nick, got him out of my system, & then as predicted long ago, he dies.} *

Before this starts there’s one scene that I know is Nick & his drug partner. She is standing across from him maybe behind a counter. She’s beautiful, her hair is black in an unusual hairdo. There’s a pony tail on top of her head, the hair clasped facing her on the left to right, a large bundle of hair going across her entire head, like 25% of all the hair on her head like this. Her skin is clear & light, her features even, a good vision.

She’s talking to Nick & he to her but there is something WRONG. Why her façade is insufficient although beautiful. As he talks & talks, the physical disappears & there is nothing beyond it – She is just physical, no spirituality, no substance. All there is. Now that he is dead he sees this. I see it also – I never realized she was totally devoid of spirituality before.

*** {BEAUTIFUL FEMALE DEVOID OF SPIRITUALITY: His drug partner, who I call Ruth Anne, looks good on the OUTSIDE but there is nothing INSIDE. We all see this clearly now. All that was attractive or seductive about her was of this world & the flesh – & the demon drugs. Seeing past that, there is NOTHING. He sees this now.

Her hair. The meaning here is HORIZONTAL. Horizontal is not vertical. Vertical points to the sky, upward, Heaven. Horizontal is earth, temporary, the world, people, everything of time & space. This is ON TOP of her head is what is most important to her, No. 1, her mind & heart are of this world. Her allure is of this world, nothing spiritual, it ends, it is a chimera, fool’s gold, fake.} ***

Then there is a sort of contest.

It’s vague, but both myself & another woman want to marry Nick. I can’t explain the process or anything in between, but she gets him, I’m out. I know there were scenes, but I’ve forgotten.

The next scene is easier to recall. We are in B’klyn. Several scenes here, this is HOME. In many of my dreams, I find this place to be my center. {It was here that I had my most significant spiritual experiences – Seeing God Face to Face, Divine Stigmata, & other experiences – Holy Mary appearing to me, giving me 3 rings of Light encircling me, the evangelical virtues. She also appears & asks me to take the vow of celibacy, etc. – Jesus as Julius Caesar appears, Mystical Union with Humanity of Jesus – Gift of Contemplation from St. Mary of Agreda.}

* {This is the HOME where God is. It is what you had to leave to find Nick & try to save him. Home is Heaven. It is Peace, happiness, fulfillment, all that is good. Away from home is the wilderness where anything can happen, the danger zone, the place of testing & hardship, the place of turmoil, frustration, confusion, & uncertainty.} *

But now everything has changed. The dream doesn’t say it directly, but it is JUDGEMENT DAY.

Nick appears, like in the sky, in front of my building, like 6 stories up, the top of him, his head or bust, just hovering there & he is answering for his CHOICE.

The files are opened, & there’s a file on me vs the one on the lady he chose to ‘marry’ on earth.

In my files it shows that I am a millionaire. Hers I don’t recall but I think the scene of her being only ‘physical’ is relevant.

The entire neighborhood is looking at him to ADMIT what his choice was. He has to speak it.

So we go through the stories of both women, her & me. And then, before the entire neighborhood of everyone that knows or knew him, he has to say it,

“I chose” & he must say who.

But he can’t or won’t, he is too ashamed or embarrassed. He just sits there silent. I urge him to say it but he is dumb.

The idea is vision. He has seen it now, his friends, the whole hood sees it, I see it. I am sort of defiant as I urge him to speak as he is so ashamed.

*** {MEANING: JUDGEMENT, MUST ADMIT WHO HE CHOSE, he can’t say it: This is now the vision & understanding fully, of what he did with his life. He chose the wrong woman & with it, the wrong path.

She was bereft of anything meaningful in life. She was drugs, the world, the people, the hood, the shallow fun, the escapism of Cloud 9, all that is temporary, anti-God, anti Eternal. He chose all that is low for all that is High, all that is temporary for all that is eternal, he chose bad instead of good.

On the other side of her was me. I represent God. I came to him as an emissary from God, warning him, for one thing, if he did not quit drugs he would die young of an overdose.

He started with me being sort of close, then he wandered & ran around with his ‘friends’ & other females, when he CHOSE one that answered all his twisted dreams – It was being right with those that were wrong, gaining their approval & dubious respect, & having a steady supply of drugs because of his new drug partner.

On the other hand was salvation in the form of me.

I would support him on is road to recovery, get him off drugs, help him establish a life which would have meaning. He could have a career; he would learn the important things in life, do things with meaning instead of drudgery work & partying every weekend.

The dream doesn’t say everything, just that I am a millionaire; this symbolizes both the transient world & the spiritual. I came to save him on both fronts, this world & the next, but he turned the other way.

This is so hard to face he can’t say it.

He is now standing or hovering in a place that represents the height of God. He sees it clearly & is ashamed & embarrassed.

And somehow, it is before everyone – those people he once was afraid to be criticized by, they all know he was a fool – everyone knows & that’s what’s so hard for him to face – these people.} ***

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Enlightenment vs Holiness

9-3-22 Enlightenment vs Holiness

These thoughts are inspired by the video of Ozay Tulku Rinpoche & his wife Sadguru Ahiranta—If the link doesn’t work check out Ozay & Ahiranta’s You Tube Channel “The Happy Life Show”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsXGU1tS2uc&list=PLfRo-0_w1H_Ft3JdneYo3qg7gzlP0E4LM&index=3&t=1596s

Ozay speaks a great teaching on Enlightenment, & how one LEAVES Enlightenment in order to help one’s fellow man.

He left his Enlightenment, {which was attained in prison}, to be a husband to his wife Kay & a father to her & his children. One cannot be UNATTACHED {a part of Enlightenment} while fulfilling the duties of day to day life. He goes into the fact of loving a partner, having a roof over the head, the responsibility of paying rent & bills, etc, all the workings of normal life. One has to SACRIFICE their Enlightenment to fulfill the earthly role.

That begs the question what IS Enlightenment? Good question. My answer is that what we call ‘Enlightenment’ is a type of CONSCIOUSNESS, or in other words, a mental, emotional spiritual place where one thinks certain thoughts & feels a certain way. In this state one is not attached to any one person, or to things, or to ambition, or to any desires of the world, while one is focused only on the concept of God & her Infinity.

{This is also an absolute prerequisite to seeing God face to face – which is a part of Enlightenment, not necessarily the same thing, as not all people I have seen who profess Enlightenment <& rightly so> – claim to have seen God Face to Face. The Beatific Vision means actually leaving this dimension & going to another one. Enlightenment does not require that.}

Now Ozay speak of sacrificing or leaving Enlightenment to take part in human relationships & achieving responsibility for others in this life. He explains that Buddha did so when he saw a vision of the water lilies. Wondering what to do with his life next, the Almighty showed him that all humans are in various stages of evolution, & to help them achieve their spiritual destiny was a path worthy of Buddha, & so, he undertook to help humanity & of course, to some degree, gave up THAT CONSCIOUSNESS.

However, Buddha did not give up his HOLINESS & neither has Ozay given up his holiness when he works out his plans to help others.

And let me add here, the term ‘Nonduality’ is Enlightenment, the Hindu word for it is Advaita, pronounced correctly, in Sanskrit A-DOIT-TA.

To compare my intense experience of ‘leaving’ the state of Enlightenment but not giving up my HOLINESS was that remarkable word from God, when after 30 years of celibacy, God told me to pack it in, quit the abstinence, go out & HAVE FUN. I resisted but God insisted, saying,

“If you do not do this you will be OUTSIDE THE WILL OF GOD.”

I THEN DID WHAT Buddha & Ozay did – left the peace & serenity of my lifestyle & re-entered the TUMOLT & sometimes CHAOS of earthly life. Back to LUST, drinking, carousing, having fun, being an idiot & a fool, all part & parcel of my obedience to God.

And why did I do it? To REMAIN INSIDE THE WILL OF GOD. When I asked my most informed friends, why did God force me to do this, William Bond had the best answer,

“Perhaps it wasn’t for you, it was for others.”

That goes perfectly with the reasoning Ozay suggests here, I went out & made a damned fool of myself for humanity. Others got the benefit of my holiness, even when I fell into lust & had sex with numerous guys, my grace rubbed off on them. I must have SAVED SOULS when they had contact with me. As many females benefited by my presence, – I met hundreds of females as well as males in our college town bars, we talked, hob knobbed – some of them told me THEY WORSHIPED ME!

In the end, it took eleven long years to wear myself out. From 2008 to 2017 I danced my ass off but that stopped with severe anxiety attacks over one male, while heart attacks followed. No more dancing, didn’t have the strength.

I continued seeing my one Beloved until the Corona fiasco shut down the bars. He was a drug addict & had moved in with his female drug partner– after a while he came out to the bars that reopened, but I went downtown no more. During this time I cured myself of the attachment to him – it was rough, it took a couple years to get over the addiction & regain my Enlightenment. Prior to that, he had total control over me & it was torture. Now I regained control & told him,

“No more sex unless you leave your phony wife & go into rehab.”

Two months later, he died of an overdose. Was it a suicide from a broken heart?

My time with lust & ‘having fun’ had reached its conclusion. Was my mission finished? Have I succeeded? Do I get my diploma, Lord?

This video speaks of the miraculous way God worked to bring Ahiranta & Ozay together, all the obstacles & experiences they faced,– in fact, Ahiranta says she got a serious illness in order to meet Ozay – God works in mysterious ways – Ahiranta saw a vision of Ozay from years before, when he was 11 or 12. In this sighting she saw a man who took her into his arms & told her everything would be alright. A marriage made in heaven. Their relationship is fascinating & the way they tell their stories also is.

Ozay makes a great point about understanding your own feelings, verbalizing them, putting them into words. Because if you don’t figure out why you feel as you feel, confusion reigns. You must meditate & search deep inside yourself to know why you feel what you feel to find peace.

These are great people, this video is top notch, I recommend seeing it.

PSS Ahiranta Explains Her Own Malady

Something I did not discern right away, took me a day, & then I realized Ahiranta explained her own malady.

It happened when she spoke of the RUNNER who when he hit the finish line, had spent so much of himself, he collapses & even loses control over his own BOWELS & LIMBS.

When I get insights or revelations it’s usually because I have seen PIECES OF A PUZZLE & all of a sudden, all the pieces are together & I see the picture.

I’ve know Ahiranta for many years, & she has a trait I was always aware of but I did not connect it to any malady. I knew about her sickness as it’s been a thing she’s spoken of from eons ago, & is part of the way she met Ozay – she needed help.

The pieces have now fallen together & I know why Ahiranta has symptoms that are mysterious & crippling so to speak, but which have no physical origin. And it is so simple that it’s as plain as the nose on your face, but no one ever sees it.

I didn’t see it as I thought that illness was cured many years ago & I’ve not spoken to Ahiranta & Ozay now for a few years – except to say hello.

So let me spill it in a nutshell, & that is all there is to it, Ahiranta, you give too much, you love too much, your heart is too open, you exhaust yourself, you spend your love & affection in an abnormal or extreme way.

When a person does as you do, they get hurt more than they should & they become ‘the sacrificial lamb.’

One must love themselves as well as their neighbor, you sometimes love the neighbor MORE than yourself, & as we listen to Ozay in the video, he speaks of CAUSE & EFFECT, & the cause of your malady is GIVING TOO MUCH, the effect of this is the exhaustion, the body collapsing, losing control over the body & all else that follows {long ago I recall your series on your paralysis} & whatever else is happening, though it seems remote, like BURNING, is all caused by this mental, physical, spiritual & emotional exhaustion – there is nothing else. You are doing this to yourself, & when you stop, the symptoms will stop.

I prayed on it, asking God why you do this & God said it doesn’t matter – just stop.

Just for example, for years now you have been writing me letters, sometimes I cringe when I read them, because they are so mushy, so affectionate, I fear answering them as if I don’t respond in kind, or with as much affection, it might hurt your feelings. I just don’t know what to say – you GIVE TOO MUCH LOVE SO STOP!

I remember when you kept speaking of the heart being open, again & again – your heart is TOO OPEN – STOP!

And you answered every one of my comments on your video -STOP! One comprehensive comment for all my comments is enough. It took me no effort to write my comments, it was just off the top of my head, but it takes you effort to answer them all – STOP!

Stop hurting yourself!

I have said it all, if you want to discuss it further then OK, but I have said all that needs to be said & you can believe me or not believe me but I have said what I understand.

When you stop 50% of this 50% of your symptoms will be gone. If you stop 80% of it ALL your symptoms will disappear. You need give only 20% of what you do to be a kind, loving, decent person. Giving too much, on ounce here, an ounce there, here, there, everywhere, soon you have given pounds away from your own body & there’s nothing left to balance you & keep you healthy…….

Guru Rasa Von Werder

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

His Life & Death

8-29-22 His Paranoid State with Me –

Why no pics were taken together & Strange turn of events

The headline pic is not him, one of my other models – I will use some other models this article

Last night I put together an article with many of Nick’s images including those with him & females – including nights when we made love – he hugged them for pics, not me. And I asked why did he want no images taken with him?

The dream was stressful & shows his paranoid state.

Dream: I was in love with this guy who really turned me on, I’d go into an ecstatic state when we are together. I wanted to see him so badly.

After a while, he finally comes over, to my 2^nd floor apt. He has longish wavy black hair, in clumps, & he’s somehow naked in my apt, I see his penis clearly, his skin is suntan like he’s a darker nationality like some sort of Latin mix. He seems to be a NERVOUS WRECK.

We’re in my room trying to have some privacy. But there’s this huge window – just like the one we had in B’klyn, like we’re in the kitchen & to the right is this window – it’s about 5-6’ square, & on the other side of it, slightly higher, are my neighbors, who’re sitting at a table, like maybe 3 women & 2 men, the women figure more prominently in this scene.

Why the window isn’t closed as we try to make love, I don’t know. At first, those women are just sitting there speaking to one another at their blonde {like Oak} table, but next thing you know, they ENTER our room! It’s a small leap from where they are to where we are but I am outraged, & invite them to leave, which they do.

Then I climb up on something & try to cover up the window with a couple things for privacy.

But my lover is SPOOKED OUT as he’s paranoid, afraid, nervous, & he leaves.

*** {NERVOUS STATE OF LOVER & NOSY NEIGHBORS: This dream explains, in two scenarios, why Nick didn’t want images taken with me – His fear of people – their opinion – especially that of women.

We were not allowed to be private, left alone, they got “into our space,” our privacy, apparently giving their opinions, like because it’s a TABLE could be saying,

“What does she bring to the table? What does he?”

It’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS but they are butting in & he is SCARED OF THEM.

He BREAKS MY HEART by his absence.

I do recall that one of his bear pong buddies – a female his own age – told him it was wrong for him to be with me, as he was looking for a Mother. He should be with HER & she did have sex with him, he told me he was ‘using her for sex’ last time we spoke.

Don’t know who else said negative things, probably they all did. His state of mind is because he’s INSECURE, not confident at all.

I call & call to him, from here on in I have nothing but trouble & I thought I had him in my h ands, but I look at my hands & they are empty, & later he does appear, but disappears again. Both he & I are having terrible stress because of these interfering neighbors.

*** {APPEAR, DISAPPEAR: We both had great stress in our relationship & he would come & go like the wind. See the song, ‘The Wayward Wind.’ By Patsy Cline & Gogi Grant hits:

“Oh, the wayward wind is a restless wind
A restless wind that yearns to wander
And he was born the next of kin
The next of kin to the wayward wind”

Later there’s this theater. I go there to watch a movie, it’s night. I sit, in front of me left is a black guy, I see his shoulders, he’s full bodied. I want to speak to him but am shy. I look to my right & there’s a thin young black man, I do speak to him & say,

“This movie is boring.”

He somehow agrees – he’s quiet.

I vaguely recall bending to the shoulder & ear of that guy in front of me & saying softly,

“I love you.”

Then I walk to the left aisle – btw – this theater is practically empty, almost no one goes here at night, it’s like 5 people in the whole theater. Anyway, I walk on this wide left hand aisle, it’s about 10-12’ wide, everything is clean; it has a light reddish tone. I’m doing some research or something & someone, maybe my daughter, finds a large piece of white paper on the floor & picks it up. I see my address in on the left top corner. I don’t want any of my ID left here & I take that paper to leave with it. Not sure what I was doing in this theater except research of some kind but I didn’t want people to know I was there, no proof.

*** {THEATER I WANT NO PROOF OF MY BEING THERE: This hearkens ot the question of why Nick wanted no images of him & you – Because he feared there being proof the two of you were together. This real PARANOIA because he hung with addicts, pushers, & many women he bedded besides his front woman – & he had pics taken with them. But apparently, there was harsher criticism & ridicule about me than anyone else. Drug users & pushers in his society were commonplace – women much older than he were not. This is what he feared – criticism & ridicule for loving me, conversely, as weird as it seems to straight people, there was no criticism for drug dealers or users – they were not only comfortable with this, they bragged about it, sung about it & it made them feel they BELONGED. But the love of an older woman would make a guy an OUTCAST.

The dude I whisper to is obviously Nick, the one to my right one of his friends. We’re all observing his life story. Why is it night & no one is here? Night is ‘dark night of the soul,’ not knowing, being in darkness or lack of understanding. I talk about RESEARCH means I’m trying to figure it out. Why are there few people here? Few are thinking about his life in terms of what was behind it?

When I say this movie is boring, I’m speaking of his life as boring or meaningless. When I wrote the first article about him where I featured many of his local pics, he said,

“I WASTED MY LIFE”

<this is channeling – yes, he admitted it once he was dead.>

The guy to the right who seems to agree with me, – there’s an empty seat between us – is now subdued, is someone who talked too much while living, I recall ‘Tom’ him with annoyance. I took him out to dinner several times along with Nick & his friends….he would not shut up. This shows Nick’s death zipped his lip.

He might appear here as he took some pics & a VIDEO of Nick & me where he was doing ‘the monkey dance’ toward me when I raised my leg to the ceiling – but he said later when he tried to show me THAT NICK HAD ERASED IT. It seems he agrees with me that their LIFESTYLE WAS WRONG – BORING is another term for WITHOUT MEANING.

The empty seat between us? Nick is in front of me so it can’t be the lack of Nick. It might be we are no longer CLOSE – I’ve not spoken to him in years.} ***

Again, it is night & I’m in a place like the old Post Office area in B’klyn where I used to go almost daily. I need to walk home, but must go through an area that is dangerous, so I go way up in the air, like 30’ – later I even rise 50’ in the air & say to myself when it’s night I will not walk the street, as there could be muggers people lurking, I will rise above the tree tops to make my journey, so here I go sailing in the air on this long walk home.

Now I’m in the woods on that familiar road behind the house near Freehold NJ – this road I’ve taken hundreds of times in my dreams. Except this day I pass by some landmarks saying that others have moved in, interlopers, this is my property, but they have invaded.

As I go past one area I see something white to the right, on a hilly spot, & a strong bright light is shining & is pointed on me as I go by. I realize people are camping here – not something that happened in the past, this is new.

Then I come to a building right in the middle of the road, looks like a covered bridge but is a building painted red, pretty, with white trim like in between a barn & house. At first I think this is bad or whoever put this here is wrong, as its blocking the road, but as I come up to it I see there is ample room to the right of it to go by.

*** {IN THE AIR BECAUSE IT’S NIGHT, JOURNEY HOME THROUGH THE WILDERNESS: This is rising above time & space, the dangers of the world, lower thoughts, lower feelings & the demonic. I must rise above all this, that is the MESSAGE as it’s the POST OFFICE. There is a BRIGHT LIGHT at one point shining at me – could be the Light of God, Saints or Angels helping me.

The RED BUILDING I think is a BLOCK, someone seems to have built it there & it’s wrong – is most probably the OBSTACLE of Nick’s death, dying & therefore the prediction that he & I would be together as man & wife cannot come true. RED is BLOOD or suffering. First, I thought it wrong, but then I see one can GET BY THIS which means get past his death; cope with it, live with it. Indeed, I am doing remarkably well & much insight & closure are coming to me about all this – why it was as it was, why death was his only way out, how the Truth now comes to Light through all this.

I understand him & our relationship more clearly than I ever did when he was alive.

The FAMILIAR ROAD / JOURNEY hearkens back to long ago when I was a child. It’s the journey of LIFE, & the ROAD HOME is seeking fulfillment, peace, happiness, meaning, love & one’s destiny.

The BRIGHT LIGHT from a hill to the right is something from GOD, bestowing insight on me, about the building up ahead, which is Nick’s death.

One thing that comforts me again & again, God keeps saying like so:

“If he had gone into rehab, been with you, you would have been the sacrificial lamb. Part of the time you would have been happy, but much of the time you would have been miserable due to his behavior, neediness, lack of discipline & errant ways. He would have relapsed over & over. You would have had the biggest baby in America, one hard to handle, one causing you continuous stress.

The only way he kept semi under control was through drugs, he & his partner drugged together & that pacified him. Otherwise he was a basket case & you knew it. He needed therapy, but he wouldn’t allow it. He was not cooperative with you for his healing, career, for anything. He would have had you jumping through hoops to keep him busy & out of trouble.

God did not want you sacrificed.

And if you had seen him the night he called, it would have started the pattern all over again, like it was before. It would have forestalled his death for a while, but once he decided he would be a forever drug addict with his drug mate, the writing was on the wall. He was doomed. And you predicted it in 2014. Each of your channeling friends agreed.} ***

8-30-22 Strange turn of events

There’s an EVENT going on in front of me, like a line of things, like a design, & Nick is standing in the middle of it. Something bad happens, then there is an investigation of sorts.

A big woman shows up near him & it’s strange, although something bad happened – like an assassination – I feel she’s asking him to commit another event like that, like another assassination, but this is vague & confusing.

She’s big, like weighing 300 lbs, in a dark floral print dress, black background or very dark blue with figures on it in all dark colors. Her hair is well set, its shoulder length, thickly curled.

When she goes away to do something I walk in & speak to Nick. He tells me she’s some kind of important official, like the wife of the Chief of Treasury, or maybe she’s the Chief of Treasury herself, in this foreign land.

Nick & I are now seated at a small booth as in a restaurant, thickly padded vinyl brown seats {I sense brown} with a dark solid partition to our right – the table & booth are small, seating only 2 people. Close to him there’s a silver teapot, the kind that has a round part on top, then a small waist, then a bigger round pot on the bottom. I touch it, it’s hot – like hot water inside. I tell Nick I guess this is tea.

The big woman returns & gives me a FIERCE glance.

She’s Spanish & since she’s important I didn’t know how to greet her to give her the honor she’d expect, like in English, I’d say something,

“Honored to meet you, your Ladyship”

but can’t think of the words in Spanish even remotely, so instead, I kiss her right hand in a respectful European manner.

At that moment she unfurls a white tablecloth to go over our little table – She’s going to serve us. This is a surprising action, as she is this Lady of high standing, but now she’s OUR SERVER!

*** {LADY OF THE TREASURY, WHO NOW SERVES US: This dream I analyzed while still in bed, went to sleep & dreamed some more. It’s deep.

This ‘important lady’ who is some kind of TREASURY person, is the gf who financed him so he could do drugs every day. As I said many times before, she might have given him the drugs for months in the beginning, before he got a full-time job. Then he got a full-time job & had the luxury of spending most of his money on his habits – he was addicted to regular cigs & grass, beer & became addicted to cocaine because of this lady. Not sure if he graduated to heroin the last years – it is possible.

She was BIG or IMPORTANT to him during the time they were together for this reason.

The EVENT is his death of an overdose. I warned him about this dozens of times since 2014 – predicted it – he paid no attention.

And so, I am watching this ‘from afar’ so to speak, checking his face book.

Her immediate reaction was he had ‘killed himself,’ the assassination, & she was so upset she wised to be dead also – the second assassination.

Her leaving & my MOVING CLOSER to Nick is when the body was gone – she left or became ‘distant’ to him. She did not relate to his SPIRIT as I do.

That was when I MOVED IN. My relationship with him has been, from the beginning, SPIRITUAL. And so his body being gone, he actually came closer to me & I to him because

*** He was no longer distracted by the other people around him – his male & female friends

*** I had dismissed him from my mind for the most part, but now returned to communicate & converse with him

And so, we came together in a private place, one in which there is no ROOM for anyone else or no ATTENTION paid to them – just us – the SMALL BOOTH.

The silver teapot reminds me of all the MARRIAGE dreams I had over the years – it signifies a LONG TIME, if 25 years go by since we met – 2011 + 25 = 2036. In 2036 I’ll be 91 – the age predicted for me to live to since many years ago. I didn’t expect I would live this long since my several heart attacks of 2017, but then again, who knows.

So this is a sign of our TOGETHERNESS. Why the BROWN? It’s a sign of almost black sufferings. That could be the time we both spent leading up to this – it’s been a dark, dreary time of stress, misunderstanding, jealousy, pain & terrible separations. We both suffered equally. But this shows us

APART {partition to our right} from others, we were meant to be together, just the two of us, in the end.

Now the BIG WOMAN – his gf comes back & I know its her because of the FIERCE LOOK.

But I have a message for her here. I am giving her honor or credit for something. One moment I kiss her hand. And then she unfurls a white table cloth for our little table, as if she’s going to SET A MEAL FOR US – she’s our server or servant!

The white tablecloth is MARRIAGE, which goes along with the silver teapot for tea.

TEA is something you have for a repast/ break, time out, refreshment. My grandma used to call for tea several times a day; it didn’t just mean tea, it meant put the bread, jams & jelly, butter & cheese on the table for a snack. It’s relaxation, rest, refreshment.

How she becomes our server/servant after Nick’s death is strange. It’s as if she helped him die, which removed him from her & put him with me.

My God Self explained it like this:

“None of these people functions on a spiritual basis. They don’t have the skills to do so. They cannot talk to God or saints or Souls in purgatory. They cannot read minds like you can. They function on the physical plane only, so they communicated & conversed with Nick only with his flesh, & when that was gone, it was the end of communication.

Not so for you. You are spiritual & when Nick lost his body but not his soul, he belonged to you. He could communicate with you alone, not with them, so he is yours alone, you are his.

And so, by providing Nick with drugs she also helped him die, which then, set a table before you by her – by helping to kill him she helped him transit from herself & earthly people to you. So she’s your server or servant.

A strange turn of events to be sure.

In the next dream later that night I see myself in a white lace, low cut dress. I keep looking at my chest to see if it fits right.

* {WHITE LACE DRESS: My wedding dress. Breasts are love, I’m thinking of love. Not sure what this means except my marriage to Nick.} *

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets

Nicholas Speaks

8-19-22 Meditation & Channeling Nicholas

Said a Holy Mass for him today – no doubt the first time he’s ever received the Body & Blood of Jesus & Mary

Where do I begin?

There’s what he & I are talking about, there’s reviews of our relationship. There’s list of hurts from him to me – why? {He wanted to hurt another woman, a caregiver, who didn’t protect him, but he can’t. So he takes it out on me} And from me to him, only to make him jealous, never to hurt.

There’s explanations of what it means for him to be, so to speak, ‘inside me,’ I’m him, he’s me, we are joined as they say, {like Cathy said in Wuthering Heights, ‘I AM Heathcliff!’}

“What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”

These are not EMPTY WORDS. Indeed, they are said in the wedding ceremony for many, some of who end up killing each other. Some have bitter divorces where each just wants the money they can get out of it. There are all sorts of recriminations & evil after those words for many.

But in a GENUINE marriage, it’s a Sacrament, which means something SUPERNATURAL takes place. And that is what cannot be dissolved, just like Baptism cannot disappear, neither can Confirmation, nor Holy Communion or Confession, or any meaningful Sacred ritual that is transacted between God & her creature.

Now that Nick is dead, the theater of life that he & I shared on earth is closed, a new theater starts. One explores this new place, while thinking what transpired? Now that it’s over all the pieces must fall into place, it looks different than before. There is no physical activity to be anticipated. We will never live together as ‘man & wife’ – he will never call me, we will never see each other’s bodies or make love. He will not hurt me nor I him.

Where do I begin? I’ve reviewed in the past so many times what happened between us that my friends got sick of it & shushed me up. I was obsessed, which I now see as ‘addiction.’ I was addicted to him as strongly a he was addicted to drugs. Getting over this ‘sickness’ of the flesh was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Had I not conquered this, I would be going through ‘withdrawal’ & horrendous grief right now – but I’m not. I already lost him when he made his decision for the drugs & drug buddies. Yes, we still made love, but he was not recognized as ‘mine’ – another woman graced his social media, it was accepted as the ‘right thing to do’ while I was seen as that which wasn’t right fell away – we hear no more of her – there was a ‘theater’ his friends believed in, no one questioned its appropriateness, no one complained or worried that this was a ‘drug enabling’ relationship. She was young & cute, that’s all that mattered.

I wrote to them I didn’t even know, – friends & family – pleading with them to help me get him into rehab. Little did I know that some of these people were addicts & dealers! Only one friend answered, denying Nick had a problem. I also asked him to put in ‘a good word’ for me – encourage Nick to be with me in a relationship & follow

my guidance. He answered that if Nick wanted to be with me, he would; there was no point in his intervening. Case closed.

This friend kept saying,

“You have no idea what he went through getting razzed about the pictures.”

Oh yes, the pictures. Those were taken to make him a star. I had a plan, but his ‘friend’s made it impossible. They made him turn his back on me. I was going to use those pictures, creating a book – which cost me thousands – with him as ‘America’s Most Beautiful Man’. This was to promote him, first as a model, then see where that could go– make him a celebrity, maybe movies. He could have used fame to jump start his rap music. He spent years with local yokels getting songs done – there was no hope of gold here, there’s millions of guys doing amateur night rap music – some are talented, but it takes more than that. Nick had incredible masculine beauty, a fantastic voice, made good songs, an imposing stage presence, BUT you have to have a manager, a plan, spend time & money. I was beginning to do that & his friends smashed the idea like pigs on books. Why? They didn’t understand it. The gutter was their comfort zone; they didn’t want Nick leveling up to leave them. When Nick & I were somewhat ‘open’ with our affair he became more of a ‘celebrity’ in their eyes than he’d ever been. Although they razzed him, the pics & book I created made him a legend – part of it being the size of his dick! The biggest dick in the hood, certainly on a handsome man, maybe some gorillas had one, but they were gorillas.

After we ‘fell out’ {but were still making love on & off, but I had given up on a public relationship nor him going into rehab} there were OPPORTUNITIES for reality TV shows, which I wrote him about, he ignored. So when the latest offer came in 2021 we’d not been speaking for 2 years. I didn’t have his phone – I did not even contact him the usual, convoluted way of having a friend message him on his face book. This deal would have made him a star & put me on the map again – they wanted our relationship televised, me being a Cougar. He would have got fame & fortune such as no one in the hood ever got – he forfeited that – there was no point in my writing him & getting rejected again. I suggested we use another guy – one of my models – but they said it had to be him, as it required a real love affair, not a front.

Thinking of these things makes me feel great frustration, let me get to other stuff. OK, our last conversation. I wish I had written down every word – but I didn’t, shall remember most of it. Since we’ll never speak again physically it’s now enshrined in my head.

He calls me June 2^nd, 2022. It’s the middle of the night, I am by the phone expecting a call from a sick friend, so I pick up.

Our Last Conversation June 2, 2022

God had told me 4 months previous that he would call near this day – I had forgot. So we talk. Here’s the subjects:

*** He wants to come over. Obviously to have sex. I am 30 miles from him. I ask how he’ll get here – he says he’ll find a way & I know he will. But I tell him it can’t be like it was, I will not be your back street woman. You have another female as your partner on social media. I have to

be your main woman, no more second fiddle. And besides that, for us to be together as live-ins, you must first go through rehab.

*** His 3 yr old son: He wants his son to be better than him, he says something like look at me, I’m not that much, my son has to be better. {I was going to shame him before, like what if your son follows in your footsteps & becomes an addict? But I didn’t want to hurt him.}

*** The past: I explained to him that in the past when I was making out with guys in front of him or leaving the club with them I was doing it to make him jealous. I rarely ever took them home, maybe one out of 10 guys he saw me with did we have sex. {He did much worse hurtful things to me I will explain elsewhere, this was my way of getting back, but nothing worked with Nick, he was hopeless. When I hurt him by pretending like this he’d find a way of hurting me twice as bad next time. All I wanted was his love, his attention. But he could not give me it, 90% of the time in public he ignored me, but he gave attention to other women.}

*** I told him the truth, that since I last made love with him in July 2019, I had not slept with another guy & I didn’t want to. My sex drive went away. He said it’ll come back. I knew he was right if we started up again.

*** Do you still love me? I asked. He said, like he’d said before, that he loved ‘everyone.’ That was not music to my ears. I told him I still loved him & always would.

*** I again explained to him we were spiritually married – it had happened April 21, 2019 – God showed me the vision. I told him about it when I saw him, the last time we made love July 14, 2019. {So glad I keep all imp events on my calendars! And when he & I made love, that day has red hearts & fireworks.}

The way it happened – we had not seen each other for 7 months. He wrote a song for me ‘Cocaine & Broken Bottles’. I wrote down the lyrics, carried them in my purse {still have them there} & would read them to friends. This told of his repentance & misery, that he’d made mistakes, that he was ‘waiting in the rain – some things never change’ {probably outside my apt when I wasn’t there} & ‘here’s my heart to take’ etc. Of course we re-united & his being sorry & my ACCEPTING him, that’s a FIAT or AGREEMENT, like a contract, & it was ratified by God. I saw two white, soft cloths that united & there was no seam. {Sacrament of Marriage} It became One. And there was a small laurel wreath on it as an emblem – symbol of victory. Finally, the dream after July 10, 2011 came true. It said this was my husband, but it would be ‘A slow boat to China.’ So that’s 8 years.

I told him that in spiritual marriage, we are united FOREVER. Even when we die, we’re still together.

*** The song he wrote about me which led to our Mystical Marriage, was the only time he ever appeared in a public place & performed it, along with some other songs of that time.

*** We spoke of DEATH. I told him that my heart was bad, I also had pain when I walked. I said I could die any day. He said, ‘It’s more likely I’ll die before you.’

We spoke for an hour & a half, it was from 3:44 am to 5:15am.

I’ll Now Channel – Speak to Him Actually, He’s with me, it’s more than mind reading

ME: Nick, there are so many things on my mind it’ll take a week to discuss them all with you. The pieces of the puzzle have fallen together & I understand our dilemma. If you got yourself straightened out, went into rehab, got clean, moved in with me, could you have been happy? And myself also?

HE: Anything could have been. Might not have been perfect but overall yes, we would have been happy. The difficult part was leaving the people of drugs, their mentality, their hold on me. They had me in a vice. I’d been friends with them since kindergarten. Whether they were good or bad, they controlled me. I was afraid of them,

of leaving them, like leaving a religion you’re brainwashed in.

ME: And the person you lived with, did you actually love her in True Love? On Halloween, when she struck the beer from my hand, you came over & told me you loved her. I knew you didn’t – not the way you loved me, but of course it was confusing. When you saw me you’d say,

‘Don’t mess up my deal with her.’

You often pretended you weren’t with her any more, that you were ‘talking’ {code word for fukking} to another girl, this one or that one. I believed you, but it was strange, I was no longer jealous. I knew they meant nothing.

What was ‘the deal?’

HE: She enabled me for drugs, you know that, you’ve known it all along. Because of her I could do drugs regularly where I couldn’t afford them before, that was it.

ME: Was death your way out? How did our last conversation affect you, did it make you lose hope of being with me for sex, therefore, never seeing me again, & you didn’t want to live?

HE: I didn’t care. It’s not like I sat down & said I’m going to kill myself. I didn’t care then if I lived or died, if living was without you, then life would be unbearable. Suddenly I saw, when I lost you, that you were all I lived for – the center of my life, my love. I didn’t love anyone else. But I could not leave these people, so that was it. Between a rock & a hard place, the only way out is to die.

ME: But you could have called again & again, tried to persuade me to see you. Why did you accept it as final? And when you didn’t call after that, I did not call you now that I had your # on my caller return – because I promised God not to chase you. And after you didn’t call for a month, I just waited on God’s will.

HE: I’m a weak guy, I’m not like you. I’m a vagabond, a joker, I float downstream. I’m not strong enough to do like you do, I’m a pushover.

ME: Was there anything I could have done t prevent your death?

HE: If you continued having sex with me, it might have prolonged my death for years, but sooner or later on drugs, I would have OD’d. It wasn’t God’s will that I kept using you like that. You gave me an ultimatum at one point. You said you wanted a relationship, that I had to make up my mind. That I should have sex with all the girls I wanted, & when I’d had enough, decide, choose which one.

Eventually, I chose Ruth-Anne {not her real name}. It was because she was a drug enabler, that suited me fine. You were pushing for rehab, she was pushing just say yes to drugs. So I said yes to her. I made my choice.

After 9 months apart I couldn’t stay away from you & we joined up again & kept going until the Covid thing hit & you couldn’t come downtown, as all the places we hung out were closed – one spot that was open you were blocked– that’s where I used to hang out. You didn’t know where to hang out for us to meet. {I had never given you my phone, I had blocked you on face book!} Then your legs began to hurt badly & you didn’t know what to do, things went South for you, so you never came downtown again. You kept waiting for me to call. I sent you my picture on your cell phone once on Nov 28, 2019 – but you didn’t see it until Jan 2020 because you never used your cell phone. I was SNEAKY & did not put a return address! So I could say I didn’t do it!

ME: That’s one of those things that doesn’t make sense about you. What were you afraid of? And the last time you called I had your #, you did not hide it. Why was that? Why were you no longer afraid of what you had feared before?

HE: I was afraid of everyone & everything, I’m paranoid about being ridiculed or criticized. So I tried to hide our relationship half the time, the other half I couldn’t. Also, for a long time you were obsessed & you would follow me to parties & wait outside all night, or else you wrote all my friends, even my Mom. A lot of people wouldn’t accept you – that’s what I was afraid of.

Why I did not hide my # the last time I called? Because you weren’t pursuing me any more, so I took a chance. And sure enough, you never called back. I had been so long without you, I had become desperate – I needed to be that way to treat you properly – but it was too little too late. I was trapped.

ME: OK, so I was obsessed. I would not have been if you were just nice to me, gave me your number & spoke to me regularly & saw me regularly. But you treated me like shyt because you knew you could. You saw me when it was convenient for you – you did that to other girls, they told me about it. But I was the one you loved, you could have been better to me. How did my being obsessed work for you? And when I stopped being obsessed & stopped chasing you I had many dreams of you being unhappy, just totally wiped out & spaced out.

HE: That I was. When you wee obsessed it gave me security, when you stopped, I was lost. That was my Purgatory, that’s why I don’t need any other Purgatory, I’m in Heaven now with you.

ME: I was so abandoned by you & God forbid me to chase you any more. We made a deal – God & I. I was to stop chasing you, pursuing you. Only when you seemed near suicide, I sent you a message through a friend. When you got the message finally, is when you did call & you wrote about me in several songs. My dreams showed you in despair. I was honestly afraid you’d kill yourself, & in fact, you did.

Should I have agreed to see you in the future? Would that have prevented your OD’ing?

HE: The dye was cast. We spoke on this before. It was not God’s will you keep being the sacrificial lamb for me. We came to the end. Yes, I had to die. There was no way out for me. I would have tortured you again if I got my way, honestly. You would have waited & waited again, your poor mind devastated when I did what I felt like doing. It would have knocked you out of your serenity & ability to finish your books & do your work. I was poison to you, unless I had done what you asked. It could not be my way – my way was a bad road.

ME: OK, got it. Now a bit about the present. You’re dead body wise. You have left Ruth-Anne, all the lowlife’s, the fake friends, those who abused you, the don’t cares, the never cared but I’m sure there’s some good people there, I’m just naming the bad ones.

You have hundreds of people thinking about you, posting on social media, praising you, mourning & grieving, wishing you peace, posting images & videos of you. It’s pandemonium. And these same people did not help you get off drugs, some enabled you to be on them, & it bothered me when you put songs on they either ignored them or put a few likes, but not many. They did not encourage you.

They are talking about you ‘the life of the party,’ how funny you were, how lively, the smiles, lighting up a room, etc., on & on. How is all this affecting you?

HE: Not well, it’s disturbing my peace. These well wishers, most of them did not love me in real life, not true love. They used me for laughs & entertainment, they didn’t care about my pain, they never thought about it. They did not even try to see behind the mask. You know the story of the depressed man?

Zampano was the greatest clown in his country, everyone marveled at him in the circus. A man, extremely depressed, went to a doctor & asked for help. The doc said,

‘Try to relax & be happy. Go see Zampano, the clown.’

And the man said,

“I am Zampano.”

You were the only one who saw behind the mask, that’s why you were worried. You knew that without drugs, I wanted to kill myself. You knew I had been abused, I told you once, so did my brother, but then I denied it later. I didn’t want anyone to know, I was ashamed, afraid, I hid it, I denied it, I clowned around a lot to pretend. And once I got on drugs, that was my downfall, & that’s when I was great entertainment, drunk, marijuana & cocaine – maybe other stuff – & I made everyone laugh. They all loved Nick, the clown, the vagabond, the crazy guy, I made everyone laugh, I was loud, hahah, lol. But you were always aware of the pain inside.

And so now, as you read all these posts it bothers you. And because it bothers you, it troubles me. I want you happy. And also, they are thinking about me so they are sending their low vibes into my Higher Space. It’s like bombarding my classical music radio station with hard Metal Rock or terrible static. This will go on until these clowns forget me. Some are sending grieving vibes to me, it’s negative. It’s disturbing my serenity. They were attached to me, they want me, they are trying to pull me down. I feel like rocks hitting our residence, static hitting our airwaves, hard metal rock interfering with our classical, sublime music.

Where I am with you is peaceful, Heavenly & Godly. They aren’t there, so their attention is assaulting me.

And you can’t help but check the media & it’s bothering you & therefore me, as we are One.

Most of these people will forget me in a month, until then we hang on. Some women will grieve longer, some men, a few people, male & female were infatuated with me. It’s attachment, it’s not spiritual love. So it is not pleasant for me to feel this, & they are NOT helping me in any way, they can’t – they can’t help themselves.

When they say they are praying – most of them are doing words. It’s not in their heart. Their prayers, if any, probably take 30 seconds. The fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much, but the lukewarm prayer of the unrighteous avails nothing. Few of them are giving me any spiritual support, maybe one or two, that’s it. So hang on, Rasa, the stoning will stop in about a month. Most of them will forget & then we will find the Peace they say they want for me.

For IMAGES of my spiritual husband, whose real name is Nicholas Anthony Van Dunk, see the Shiva Shrines ‘Venus, Adonis-Rasa, Jeffry’ & ‘the Holy Grail of Manhood <> Jeffrey Michelangelo’ These shrines exemplify my love for him from day one & give some insights – A most relevant fact is that from the beginning I encouraged him to go into rehab. His ‘friends’ were against me & my advise – These ‘friends’ are all posting on his face book after death, saying how much they loved him. But most of them discouraged him from being with me & taking the guidance I gave. I PREDICTED over & over if he didn’t quit the drugs he would die of an overdose. But sadly, he chose his path & now he is dead - if only his friends helped me with him, this could have been avoided. But they PRESSURED him to leave me & applauded his negative relationships.

Like wolves, they howled for him to stay with the pack. But now their tails should be between their legs. The happy side of this is he has left them, his body is gone. But he is with me spiritually, metaphysically, he is not dead, he is alive with me. We are happy. He loves me, I love him, in True Love. He had to die to leave them, he saw no other way; he did not have the strength to defy the demons for me.

These shrines I had put up about Nick in 2014 & 2015, I removed due to his complaints – as his friends wee razzing hm – & just now I put them back up. He is dead, they can’t harass him any more, he & I are now free to love one another & share our love for eternity. We are happy. I can’t say this to everyone as they are so shallow they will not have the least understanding, some of these people are less than animals – animals are good.

From friend Pete Jackson in response to my complaints about his ‘friends’ who didn’t want me with him, denied he was ever abused & took drugs to mask the pain, denied he was an addict, denied that I could help him personally or career wise, etc:

As for the people that knew him being in such denial (if not outright enablers) about his drug addiction problem and such, that was probably because either a) they were fake friends who literally didn’t care at all if he lived or died, b) they were simply far too selfish and self-centered to do anything about it, or c) they simply didn’t want to believe such a thing was true because the very idea scared the crap out of them, and perhaps they thought they could just wish it all away. The same goes for the denial about Xxxxx abusing him as well.

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets

Till Death Puts us Together

8-13-22 Spiritual Husband Prophecy – I had no idea he would be DEAD the next day

For IMAGES of my spiritual husband, whose real name is Nick Van Dunk, see the Shiva Shrines ‘Venus, Adonis-Rasa, Jeffry’ & ‘the Holy

Grail of Manhood <> Jeffrey Michelangelo’ These shrines exemplify my love for him from day one & give some insights – A most relevant fact is that from the beginning I encouraged

him to go into rehab. His ‘friends’ were against me & my advise – These ‘friends’ are all posting on his face book after death, saying how much they loved him. But most of them

discouraged him from being with me & taking the guidance I gave. I PREDICTED over & over if he didn’t quit the drugs he would die of an overdoes young. But sadly, he chose his path

& now he is dead from an overdose - if only his friends helped me with him, this could have been avoided. But they PRESSURED him to leave me & be with his druggie friends &

partners. Like wolves, they howled for him to stay with them. But now their tails should be between their legs. The happy side of this is he has left them, his body is gone. But he is

with me spiritually, metaphysically, he is not dead, he is alive with me. We are happy. He loves me, I love him, in True Love. He had to die to leave them & be happy with me, he saw

no other way; he did not have the strength to defy all of them for me.

These shrines I had put up about Nick in 2014 & 2015, I removed due to his complaints – as his friends wee razzing hm – & just now I put them back up. He is dead, they can’t harass

him any more, he & I are now free to love one another & share our love for eternity. We are happy. I can’t say this to everyone as they are so shallow they will not have the least

understanding, some of these people are less than animals – animals are good.

I did NOT record this or several previous prophetic dreams because of being busy with my life story. Little did I know. Today is the 15^th, deep into the day of his death.

I see Nick standing there & his hair has turned completely grey & white & his eyes are so intense like ‘popped.’ His hair is frizzed & standing out from his head so that the entire hair & head forms a triangle with the wide part on top {upside down.}

* {HAIR LIKE SO: Extreme stress. Upside down triangle means his world is upside down, how he sees it. It’s not what he wants in life.} *

He had beckoned me & I, kind of shy, approached him & kissed him on the lips. His eyes are staring & an intense green.

He speaks to me passionately, meaningfully, but I was so tired of suffering from him I didn’t even write it down. He says,

“I will take you shopping tomorrow. Go there tomorrow, go shopping tomorrow.”

I had no idea what he was saying to me through this dream & I didn’t even let myself meditate on it. What did he mean, go shopping? If it had been years ago when I was obsessed I might have gone to Price Chopper or Wal Mart, knowing he lived near there – hoping I’d see him, but the obsession & it’s drastic suffering was over. I had to move on.

The FEELING in the dream is he has a lot of money & he’s going to BUY ME SOMETHING BIG.

…………………………………………..

MEANING: I need help, Mother God.

MG {Mother God}: He was reaching out to you in desperation announcing his death, telling you he will MEET YOU IN DEATH – go to MEET HIM.

What he will give you is HIMSELF.

In past dreams he gave you rings, gifts & married you spiritually. In real life he gave you sex & attention. This time he is giving up his body in order to leave behind all the things that separate you two. It is his lifestyle –

friends – girl friend – that he was not strong enough to leave in life, to be with you. But now he will give up his physical life, body / lifestyle of drugs / pressure of so-called friends / female who trapped him. By giving up his body he leaves them; now they cannot hold him, keep him, they cannot control him.

He is now telling you {in real life}

“Don’t think of me as dead. I am alive & with you. I am happy in the Heaven of your Soul. I will be with you FOREVER.”

ME: When I thought of the loss of his physical body at first I was shocked & horrified. But as he kept assuring me he is alive & with me, & the philosophy he explains, all my grief went away.

I see it now as HAPPINESS, not sorrow. They have lost him. They all kept him from me, but it was only his flesh they controlled. He has now deprived them, they have lost him, but I have not. My love has been True Love, of God; it is Spiritual, Powerful, Eternal. I have not lost but GAINED. That is the Gift he is talking about {that he will buy me}. Yes, Nick, I have met you. Here I am, we are together.

………………………………………

Tom Selleck dream – ‘Till Death Puts us Together’

Prior to that, I dreamed of him days before, in one, he was Tom Selleck & we were loving each other. It was so romantic, sweet & ecstatic. He was then preparing to meet with me through his death.

Tom Selleck is the symbol of pure & perfect Love, when one gives ALL OF THEMSELVES in the DIVINE STIGMATA, which I have obtained {martyrdom}. This is saying also that Nick has suffered the Divine Stigmata by losing me – {he’s been speaking of what he lost & what God has taken away from him on his Face Book for months, he also had me in several songs, two in the last months, recently calling me ‘the bitch I love the most – who was taken from me!’}as I have deprived him now for 3 years, & he recently called me, asking to see me. I told him it was not possible to carry on our affair as it was, while he lived with his gf & their child & stayed on drugs. He’d have to leave her for me to do sex again, & for us to be living together, he’d first have to go through rehab for the drugs.

He was unable to do these things – was not strong enough. The ‘hood’ of lowlifes held him back from me, he could not have his fake wife & me at the same time, I told him. So for him, it was the end. Death was the only way out! They say ‘till death do us part’ but for us it’s ‘till death puts us together.’

In beginning to channel him – there will be more to come, he says the following,

“I am happy now. There are no distractions, being with the people of the neighborhood. It was suffering. Waking up daily & all I had was them – not you. You led me to believe it wasn’t possible to see you, have sex, while I had the girl friend, & we could not live together as man & wife unless I got off the drugs. OK, I couldn’t do it. They held me by their power.

But now I left them. I don’t have to think about them, attend to them, waste my time with them. I am in the Ecstasy of your brilliant Heart, Mind & Soul. I am enjoying you – it’s Heaven. And I am happy at last!”

Other Dreams

I also dreamed about Arnold, which means success, but it was not the real Arnold but Nick – I would soon have the greatest success with him. Again, we were romantic & loving, I lost the details as I was too preoccupied to write it down. Little did I know how it would come about.

I did warn him over & over, during 11 years we knew each other, that drugs would bring him to an early death, but rehab, which is part of being with me, would save his life. But he could not do it.

PS I do not know how he died. No one yet seems to know, but I assume it was a drug overdose. All I know is 2 of his neighbors say they saw ambulances, fire engines & police on their street.

PS I mentioned but his body is now gone, I can never hold him again. He said joyfully,

“I’m glad I don’t have my body any more! It was all suffering without you! I don’t care about my body – I have your love & you mine. We are together, we are united & happy! My body was a BURDEN.”

College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

to Bey or not to Bey?

to Bey or not to Bey?

Anna Bey is the greatest expert on becoming the woman who snags the elite. She knows it all – seriously – from cosmetics to surgery, to clothing, purses, deportment, culture, education, manners, status – you name it. She has hundreds of movies explaining the subject, including her mistakes on the way.

Check this version for pics on Anna. Right now I cannot put pics from the computer onto my site here, I can only use what’s in my archives……

https://rasavonwerder-william.blogspot.com/2022/07/viva-lacounterrevolution-why.html?sc=1660016727250#c1877639679156759803

Chapter 12 To Bey or not to Bey 8-8-22

Anna is now 36, pushing into the time when these eligible men will no longer consider you prime real estate – by 40 these guys retire us {she seems to say} into obscurity & old age. Not sure if she has a solution to that. I’ve seen about two dozen of her tutorials, she has more answers than I’m aware of.

But yesterday she took the cake. I watched two of her presentations – for me it’s like watching a cobra, I want to look away but I can’t. She preaches the OPPOSITE of all that I represent, & yet, I am ON HER SIDE as she HAS A POINT. My attitude is woman, stand on your own two feet – stop looking at penises. Woman, the New Religion is WALK AWAY from men – create your own world, become the man & woman you want to be – re-animate the masculine traits you once sacrificed, be the strong, heroic, brave & bold person as well as the soft, caring, maternal, compassionate creature that you are. Be all things you once were millennia ago when you were the Great Mother & we worshipped woman as God & God as woman – women reproduced through parthenogenesis. It’s along way to go back there, but human men are going extinct, we’ll have no choice sooner or later.

Last night I saw two of her videos – one was on the mistakes she’s made, & two, on staying away from male losers. When done with this she penetrated my mind to the point I can’t dismiss, it captured me. Previous to this I could watch & walk away. Of humor to me are the purses. She showed us all the purses from designers – I didn’t know then some of these cost thousands of dollars! She explained which are chic, which are not & why. I paid attention, went to the dollar store that looked to me like quality & bought it for twelve bucks, lol.

Then there was the clothing. She explained what was chic, what not. OK, I agree. But her line of duds would not get any hardons from men I know. When I dress like that I get no whistles, no men approach me, it’s like dressing nun style & you get as many offers as nuns. Men as I know them go for sex & unless something sexy catches them, they ignore you – I mean ALL men wherever I go. Of course I’m not talking millionaire yacht clubs or Palm Beach country clubs, I’m talking average venues. I have not tried to infiltrate the elite wherever they hide, but I have had marriage proposals from the rich & famous – all based on my looks, body & youth. They wanted sex so they wanted to marry me, that’s all I know.

Back to Anna. So now, she’s talking of her mistakes. First, it’s the eyelashes, she had them glued on permanently, so long that people were gossiping. She shows an image – yes, they were extreme, yes, it did not do her good. Then the hair color – dark. No, it was not her best look, no she did not look elegant, not right for her. But what really got me was the teeth. She took out a loan – must have been like 50k or more – to have every tooth in her mouth capped. She got a deal where they could do it in 7 days instead of the usual say 3 weeks or more? And then, they started falling out. Yiikes. They had to redo every tooth, which mean drilling them down again – I’ve had some done – then recapping. Finally it was over, she sports the lustrous perfect set she has now, they are beautiful – but what she went through I could imagine tears flowing down her eyes, not to mention her mouth was sensitive from all the stress for a year – couldn’t eat hot or cold, couldn’t open her mouth in cold air, etc – An ordeal. Thank God the condition normalized.

Now I was thinking of all the other procedures Anna had gone through, so many it boggles the mind, I can’t even remember them all. I mean like enhancing her cheeks, reducing her chin was it?, puffing up her lips, hair extensions galore, tattooing her eyebrows, cosmetics going into hundreds of thousands & think of the stress. All this TO SNAG A RICH MAN! How HATEFUL men are who expect all this from a woman!

Then there’s the ‘trashy Reality TV show.’ Wow, was that eye opening. It seems that prior to hers, a Princess of Sweden – I had seen her with the Prince – {the handsomest Prince that ever lived – walking down the aisle – people only stared at him, not her! I heard she’d been part of a Reality Show – I thought it was a survivalist show – but Anna shows clips,

in one, she’s on her stomach, her top is off, a man is behind her massaging her thighs!}.

Five years later, this is one of Anna’s MISTAKES – being on this national Swedish ‘trashy’ show. She explains how the members are manipulated to do outrageous things – she kissed a girl as well as guys – she got fall down drunk, which producers appreciated, etc. And for three weeks of degrading shenanigans she only made 300 bucks! She repeats again & again how don’t do anything like this friends, it isn’t worth it.

I analyze in my mind how the Princess looked & how Anna looked within this show. The princess looked so young she could have passed for 18. And wow, was she cute! She looked like some sort of dessert – or a cute baby animal like a hedgehog or otter or baby raccoon, the kind you want to hold in your hands & cuddle. I could see why the Prince would want her.

Not so for poor dear Anna. This is a while back – But Anna looked middle aged. Her hair is dark, heavy makeup including dark red cheeks like a Tibetan or those who live in Siberia. I found the cheeks positively annoying. She looks amazingly, like 40 years old except for the ACNE, lol! What is going on? I can see why cutie got the Prince, but Anna made a mistake. The mistake was her GROOMING.

Today, Anna has transformed into an Angel. She says MAKEUP makes you look OLDER! Her face looks completely natural, no makeup – only the telltale puffy lips say ‘altered’. You don’t see all the surgeries or tattoos, attached lashes, fake hair, everything looks real. She’s a Dresden doll, a statue of a Goddess, carved by an artist greater than Rodin or Michelangelo, she’s made by a supernatural power, – No paint, just surgery! And she could pass for 20!

Now the next video. It’s the cheap men, those that are unreliable, who want you to pay half, don’t keep their promises, who – ok, so Anna got it the same as the rest of us –who make promises but don’t even give us Arpege – they just wanted to get laid. Anna is passionate, yet as usual, articulate, & you have to hand it to her, English is her third language! She’s Swedish, knows Italian & is a whiz at English & delivers her knowledge in the most pristine, luxurious settings, designer clothes & perfect poise. They say ‘one of a kind’ – She is it.

As Anna speaks, she delivers WHY men should pay. This I had to hear. I have my own version, Anna’s isn’t far off – we’re sisters under the skin.

We have more EXPENSES! When you think of the half million or so Anna spent to transform herself, you chuckle, but OK, indeed, what about the small scale of poor to middle class women? She has a point, what does a poor woman have to pay?

A poor woman has basically to take care of CHILDREN. She’s got rent, food, clothing, diapers, etc, a myriad of expenses she has to struggle to get either from welfare or her own poor earnings. We’re saying many women are ABANDONED. Men had their fun, their teaspoon of sperm is delivered, the woman is left holding the bag & the bills. What do they care? They reproduced, they did their duty. {Like the world needed more of them?}

And the middle-class woman, such as myself, raised a child alone. I paid everything – he had died & left me penniless on purpose by canceling his life insurance. {My first husband, I was 19}

My choice was not welfare but work. I was a dancer. I paid a baby sitter. The baby sitter is not cheap, one of the biggest expenses. I lived MODESTLY, day to day, week to week, although I made decent money – it wasn’t enough to be COMFORTABLE; Constant worry re making ends meet.

But Anna is in another orbit. She hob knobs only with millionaires & teaches us to do so. Of course, you expect these toffs to pay for it all. But they don’t, apparently. You mean, Anna, some rich guys expect us to pay half? Outrageous! I imagine being out with Dr. Robert Atkins for dinner, he asks me to pay half? {He did not} Or Arnold, or Tom Selleck? What a joke! Of course they wouldn’t. And I suspect – if any of them does, he’s only PRETENDING to be rich & actually looking for what he can get out of a woman. Yes, I met some of those lowlifes – they’re out there.

The next question, which is the right path? To Bey or not to Bey? To turn yourself into the Goddess of beauty, charm & poise as is Anna, no matter what the cost? Or to follow the way of Guru Rasa, which says basically, stand alone like the rhinoceros, throw his Volkswagen out of the way with your horn, trot off & form a Sisterhood. Use your money for that – help other women toward independence.

After all, isn’t Anna’s way one of continued dependence on men? I saw the poor girl on an English TV show sweating in her Dior suit while a team interrogated her. The woman was nice but the man accused her of going backward from feminism to Gold Digger. Anna was nervous – who wouldn’t be? She was too gracious to vent on men & say the thieves stole it all from us & now we must bend the knee, which we do, & they are selfish, egotistical, vain pieces of scum. She handled herself diplomatically.

However, the question stands, do we do what we have to do to win millionaires or do we just accept our lot, whatever it is, & not bow to men? For one thing, if & when we snag the super rich, what do we do with all that money? It’s beyond security, this is LUXURY. Is all this necessary? What do we say at the end of this life when we can’t take it with us? What do we tell Peter at the Pearly Gates? “I got it all – I snagged a man with 50 mil, now what do I get?”

Although I am supportive & sympathetic to Anna, I will just explain my POV re her. I follow her teachings because I am curious what is the correct way of behavior according to elites – manners, deportment, dress, do’s & don’ts – all of that, for me, could be of use. I mean if & when I hob nob with these people I don’t want to come off as a Cretan, I want to blend in with class. {Say if I need to go to the rest room during a fancy dinner, how do I excuse myself? I am certainly not going to say I HAVE TO GO TO THE REST ROOM! Lol}

And if I was young, I might pay attention to snagging a winner rather than a loser – if I had a choice {some women don’t.} This is the short term – the here & now.

But my vocation or mission is toward the LONG TERM. I already accomplished my goals of youth – I succeeded on all fronts, had every type of success; material, physical & spiritual.

My work is to prepare women for the soon to distant future. Human men are going extinct, women have to prepare to take over the world. This is a big project; it takes a big Anointing & vision to explain. I am explaining it. For that, I must stay close to Mother God & hear her voice, see her Vison.

To that effect, whatever moneys I receive for my life story are going to the Sisterhood, where I hope to prepare young women not to snag rich men, but to become fully independent, confident & powerful within themselves. Don’t let men weaken you by thinking you need them – you need only God at your side. You need faith, hope, trust & confidence in God & realize She is inside you. God & you are One. Men are helpmates, but they cannot tell us what to do, how to think, how to act.

That is what I see as the purpose of my money. Unfortunately, most of the women who do get big money don’t spend it on that – they ratchet up their lifestyle & live for themselves, & world, not sisterhood & the future. And so, all that big money is wasted.

To Bey or not to Bey? That is the question up to you.

{End Chapter 12}

College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Mom’s Death

Chapter 11 – My Mother Dies 54 yrs old March 9, 1979

Mom contracted lung cancer from smoking. She never got fat, like most women do at middle age, she forestalled that with coffee & cigarettes, I rarely saw her eat, but she always had a cigarette & coffee by her side.

I’ve spoke so much about how I prayed & offered atonement to God for her, that I’ll skip all that here & move on to something else. But what? I explained how she abused me, mostly in Part 3. Perhaps an overview is in order.

Mom & Dad were opposites in character. He was kind, gentle & non violent. He had a conscience; you could trust him with your life savings & your life. He was forgiving. He thought everything out, an intellectual, a book worm, nice, like Chips in ‘Good Bye, Mr. Chips.’

She was the opposite. Mean, aggressive, punching people with fists – NOT big people or villains, the little people who were gentle like Dad, or myself being a child. I recall one memory, I am 5, she has him on the floor on hands & knees, sitting on his back, punching him with her fists – he does not fight back.

He called her a ‘Tartar,’ which means like Genghis Kahn – Lithuanians thought of Tartars as barbarians. The other name was ‘Hitler,’ both of these he said in jest – but they were true. She even looked the part. She was not an intellectual or bookworm, but did join the ‘Book of the Month Club’ to master English – all of which I read, at 10-12 yrs old. The first book was Daphne DuMaurier’s ‘Rebecca,’ then ‘Gone With the Wind.’

What was she like? All business, survival, no conscience. She did what she had to do, I recall no love but looking back, understand the only person she ever loved was my brother Jim –

{This did not stop her from blaming him for one of her pregnancies, lol – he was about 13. Every time she got pregnant she called it a ‘stomach tumor.’ She was sitting grimly one day seeking someone to blame, & she looks at Jim, & says,

“It’s your fault,”

and he whines in a high voice, like the coward he was,

“No, no, not my fault.”

I don’t know how she found the kitchen table abortionists – but she did, & afterward, I think that’s when she ended up in the hospital to finish the job, as once you’re bleeding, I guess they have to take you in.

I do not recall any affection to anyone – not to my Dad, not to her new guy Marius, not to any of us kids. She just talked & talked, brainwashing the other guys against Dad when they broke up – {which didn’t work on me, she hardly tried.} One time she gave me a

‘Paper Mate’pen for Valentines – I looked at it, it had 2 hearts, I cried, as it seemed like love.

She never punished anyone for abuse of me – she approved it. One time Jim was beating me up for some spurious reason. She saw it from afar –jumped in to help him, without even knowing the reason for the attack.

She was not kind to animals – I never saw her do a good deed to animals or humans. Nothing happened except what she wanted, bottom line; survival. Animals didn’t matter except the cow to take care of, use for milk, butter & cheese. Marius took care of the cow, when she was pregnant he beat her with a chain, then an iron bar right on her belly. He tied her up once so she couldn’t move a foot all night. I went to the barn as she kept mooing in pain. I tried to untie the knots, but had trouble. Can’t recall the outcome, did I get the knots open? I know I gave her fruit to calm her down. But I was the only one in our family who CARED about the animals. They were ABUSED.

Mom had ‘Lape’ – our first dog, named after a ‘Fox,’ her house right in the middle of the sun. Lape dug a huge den under the house to get out of the sun, had her frequent litters that way. She was never fixed, most of the puppies were taken into the swamp by her & Jim & drowned. Jim was also her right hand to slaughter the chickens. Both of them had no feelings. The word ‘psychopath’ applies.

She had no charity for anyone. Except once, I saw her give a half loaf of great Russian bread to a bum at our door, on Delancey St, Newark. But our neighbors in Freehold,

old folks, needed a ride for groceries, she said no. I was ashamed to tell them.

Her last boyfriend {that I knew about} was Bill – a wonderful guy. She was getting kickbacks from a milkman. {Every Sunday all a milkman brings he brought to our house –milk, butter, cheese, & eggs.} She got him the contract for the school where she was now head Chef. It was his nephew Bill – He was the same age as Mom.

She was in love with him, she cried when I told him he kissed his other lady friend. She sent me with him as a spy when he went to see this lady. {It was just like Dr. Zhivago, where he sees the villain kissing the daughter through two glass doors – Russian style because of the cold they did not have too many outer windows, needed light – while the Mom lies on a bed where he had just pumped her stomach from an overdose. The Villain was getting it on with the daughter, the similarity is the glass doors he sees through – Bill was kissing this other lady like that, lol.}

I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Bill take me out bowling. He showed me how to hit a strike & I got 6 strikes in a row. I could do well when encouraged – it felt like love. He even bought me a sweater, unGodly expensive & beautiful. Can’t recall how this luck came my way.

We were now in a beautiful house in MiddletownNJ. I was staying away some nights, she used Bill to try & track me down. Why did she care? It was part of her argument that I was a careless, reckless delinquent – a child gone wild. But I was staying away from the house because the abuse had gotten more intense & there was nowhere to hide or run except into town – bars, clubs, going out with guys even though I didn’t have sex per se, only ‘made out’. In Freehold the woods were my sanctuary.

I was now also 15 to 16, the age when one wants to be independent & have a life of their own. This was not allowed me, I was in the middle of a trap, so the only way I knew to get out was just to go.

There was a handsome rich boy I spent many nights with, he had his own cottage. I’d go out, hang in bars drinking, get a ride to Gil’s {Gil Hoyle, his real name } house & spend the night, then somehow drag my way home. I went to school sporadically, eventually I got kicked out – will explain momentarily.

I was introduced to Gil by a mutual friend, Karen Skumee {not her real name}. One night, his parents were away, both of us spent the night with him in his mansion. Later he got an apt in SeabrightNJ, one of the monumental places of my youth. What larks Karen & I had there one summer! It was like going from Hell to Heaven.

The point about Mom here is she was following me around. She got the address of Gil’s house from Karen, apparently, had Bill take her there & asked him not to give me access. But he told her I’d knock on the door so hard & long – it would be 2-3 am, he had to let me in. And he always did – he told me how she showed up. {Just now I realize had he been of age she would have threatened him with arrest, but he was only 16! His parents had set him up with a surveyor’s job & his own cottage. Mom was good at controlling people with threats, it worked. Once an infatuated teacher from another school called me at home, she was on the extension & broke in threatening him because of my age. Then a boy from my waitress job showed up at our house. She got all the info from him where I worked & then threatened him with police I suppose, he left like a dog with tail between the legs.}

My thought to this & other incidents is why the fukk, if I was so bad, didn’t she just leave me to my fate? If I was a loser or delinquent, let me fall by my own foolishness & leave me in the gutter.

The truth is the opposite. Every time I got a job – to pay my own way, she did not support me. She gave me NOTHING for my welfare, not one dime. Yes, once I kow towed to her for months to get $20 out of her to bleach my hair blonde. It appears in my senior school pic – which she refused to buy. But I told the hairdresser how I had to suck up to Mommy Fearest to get the bread – this hairdresser also did a friend’s hair, & the friend of Mom’s told her – not more money to get it bleached again. {When you bleach you have to do the roots regularly.} So that was the end of my blonde ambition.

I got money for NOTHING & she tried to keep me BROKE by every time I got a job – she found out – she’d call up & get me fired. I was

underage & had to ‘stay home to take care of my school work.’ This was purely to disempower me.

Now take the facts – One, she’s spying on me. She even got Bill’s Uncle to call, say he saw ‘porno movies’ of me & Gil Hoyle – I was frightened & shocked & much later understood she put this guy up to it – only later I recognized his voice, Mom was in the next room listening. She got a thrill out of hurting me.

Spying on me – not giving me a dime & getting me fired from jobs. What does that add up to? Looking out for my welfare or trying to destroy my life? Let me channel,

ME: Mom, what does this add up to? What was your motive? What was your plan?

MF {Mommy Fearest}: My plan? My motive? The motive was HATE. My plan – to destroy you, demoralize you, take away your morale.

ME: What did you think you’d accomplish by going to Gil’s & saying he should not allow me in? – didn’t you have something better to do, like work or cook or have a pleasant evening with your boyfriend? Why do research & go to a remote place, begging guys not to let me stay over night? And why did Bill cooperate with you?

MF: With Gil, you received consolation, a shoulder, a helping hand. I wanted no one to help you. With the jobs, you got empowerment. It feels good to be paid; one gets a sense of self worth. And you’d have money for things you needed. I hated you so much it was worth it to do research, to persuade Bill’s Uncle to call you & terrorize you. I found out who helped you, I went there to forbid it, except he didn’t listen. Bill cooperated with me as I only hung out with men who would – they were always the nicest, sweetest, the most compliant. Men who were dominating & wouldn’t take crap from a woman – like Officer Jim Doud – steered clear of me. They knew I was a bitch from Hell.

ME: That reminds me. When you tried to destroy the reputation of Jim Doud, who helped you get off the charge of animal cruelty in court – did it make you happy? You told everyone he was a homosexual, which in

those days was taken more seriously than now. Did it give you a sadistic thrill to hurt people? And there was no basis for this charge; you knew it was a lie.

MF: I was a psychopath, we have no conscience. I had no empathy, compassion or love. I only cared for your brother, that was it. I had temporary crushes on men, like your Dad when I was 16, & Bill. But as you know I lost interest in your Dad & took up with other men, my love turned to indifference or hate when I had used a person up.

ME: But it seems the hate you had for me was so intense it knew no bounds. I know I have asked this before but it’s still hard to believe how a Mom could hate her child that much. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, how much did you hate me, & tell me again, why?

MF: 1 to 10? A 15. Why? Your good qualities, you loved Dad, you were sincere, you were obedient, you were lovely. Men wanted you. All those reasons.

ME: And Dad, 1 to 10, how strong was the hate? And why?

MF: An 8, less than you by half. He didn’t give me enough money, that was 99% of it, other than that, not much reasons.

ME: Why did he not defend me from you, take me to live with him when I was 10?

MF: He didn’t know how bad it was, to be honest. And then, he was out of his element taking care of a child. And third, he was selfish & didn’t want his life messed up, his changes of getting another woman maybe. That’s about it.

ME: They money part bothers me as well. He could have given more. And I could have asked him for money for necessities, but I could not even conceive of it. And when I finally went to live with him age 16, he was a miser with me. He saved the money he was giving you for the mortgage, but he did not spend much money on me – so he was actually ahead financially. OK, over & out, I will close this up now.

The End of Being with Mom

Here’s how I switched from being with Mom to go to Dad’s.

One day Karen Scumee & I decided to play hokey, which we’d done a few times before, but we needed money. So we called a cab, he stopped at the bank so I could take out the $40 I had there from working.

Karen & I chatted in the back seat while this demon was listening – he was a local yokel not minding his own business. Knowing we were playing hokey & it was illegal, he drove us right to the police station!

I shall never forget the shock & stress I felt! My Mom hated me & this would make another nail in the coffin. I was a delinquent!

So they called the school & Mom.

Looking back I understand God did this to get me out of that Hell-house & over to my Dad’s, from where I would meet my eventual destiny.

The school was nervous about me because I did play hokey from time to time but I think most of all, re Mr Doubt {not his real name} who I would chat with, in his classroom, almost every night after classes. Because I hung out with him for solace & advice, the rumor went out that I was having an affair with him. And they had had a scandal the year before when a 16 yr old girl took off with one of the teachers, & didn’t want that again. There was nothing going on with Mr. Doubt, I needed a friend, that was it.

Each time I broke the rules, a couple times, they called my Mom in, she’d dress up in a designer suit that our lady friend had bought her, high heels, & wore a ‘high hat,’ telling them how great she was, a poor little woman abandoned by her husband & raising children alone! And I was the bane of her life, running around, a delinquent, staying out ALL NIGHT & doing a lot of fukking! Lol. To be honest – I HAD NEVER HAD SEX until I went to Brooklyn! I mostly stayed out to stay away from her & also, have some fun to compensate for the stress of abuse. People need LOVE – you look for it wherever you can get it. It doesn’t have to be SEX – just talking or attention are forms of love.

I know this is what she said because when the counselor she talked to called me in, without a word of asking about my side {I didn’t know how to explain it anyway} accused me of all that she said & demanded to know THE NAMES OF THE GUYS I HAD FUCKED!

He spoke of my ‘poor Mother’ who had raised kids ALONE – & how he himself had been a bad boy but straightened himself out & became an upstanding citizen & how dare I give all this trouble to my mother & play

hokey & fuck guys?! I was so frustrated I couldn’t say a word, just started to cry, & he didn’t know what to do so he told me to leave, that was it.

I was EXPELLED, & so was my friend Karen Scumee, but years later she told me when the parents come in & plead for their child & promise they’ll be good, they are reinstated {she was}. But Mom had already told them I was the worst child there was {think of Jayne Eyre with her Aunt! – Being sent to ‘Lowood’} & the dye was cast – this no good child had to leave the house & finish school in B’klyn with her Dad.

So now I’m on the bus with my suitcase & someone flags down the bus in front of our house. Mom’s lady friend gets on & tells the driver to tell me to get off. The driver refuses, I paid my ticket. She goes to the back where I’m sitting & tells me to exit, plans have changed, but I refuse. What happened?

Years later I found out my Dad was paying the mortgage – like 1,600 a month {the mortgage is that high when your down payment is low. She blew it all on the most luxurious furniture – not for my room – anything but that. For herself & her lady friend, their room was twice the size of mine decorated in red velvet & fringe like a bordello, with Chanel #5 & Shalimar, plus dozens of other perfumes, on their dresser. My room was tiny with tan burlap curtains & a rag rug – shared with the half sister. Bro had a suite downstairs with his own bath.} – I had no idea as Mom always said Dad gave nothing. And when I was on my way, he told her since he was taking care of me, he would no longer pay the mortgage. That was too much to bear; I had to be prevented from leaving, lol. But God saw it differently.

But even after I left & went to school in B’klyn, the arm of my Mom reached out to me & did her last act of malice. Of course, I asked for it by calling her & bragging what great things I had done. When school was over, the junior year, I went to Seabright, got myself a job at a swank place – the Hofbrau House – got a loan from a friend of $50 {had to wrestle him for it} & put it on a tiny apt where Gil Hoyle used to live. It was shitty but all she had, good enough.

Now I call my mother to let her know how well I’m doing – look what I accomplished! I still thought in my innocent mind, that if I did well enough, she would finally love me – appreciate me. I had no idea of her true nature or that she wanted to destroy me – I thought if I did well enough, she’d appreciate me & stop being hateful. It was MY FAULT she hated me. Why else would I call her?

And so, I make one of the biggest mistakes of my life, call & brag to Mom. She seduces me like a snake. She misses me, wants to see me. She’ll come over, show her what I’ve done, then she’ll bring me home for the night.

So she drives to Seabright from Middletown – I show her my apt, the place I work, she takes me to her house, I sleep.

Next day phone rings, I’m the only one in the house. It’s Karen, who lives & works also in Seabright, at the same place. She screams,

“I’m going to kill your Mother!”

She went to work, Mom had called the boss at the Hofbrau House that she has 2 underage girls working there, which is supposedly illegal as they serve drinks. So that was the end of the job. But Karen convinced them only I was underage, she’s OK & they believe her.

I then call my apt. Mom called & told her I can’t live there, I’m underage – no permission from her. The lady tells her but I put a deposit,

& Mom says,

“You can keep it for all the trouble she caused you.”

That killed my dreams for the summer.

I did not think of any way out re the job or the apt – I could have said I have Dad’s permission, I don’t live with Mom, but didn’t think of it then. And I could have said to both these people that wasn’t my Mom that called, a crazy lady who hates me. But I was so stricken & inexperienced I never thought of that, just fell into suffering & pain.

It wasn’t long after that I left Dad, took off with Marilyn Monroe’s photographer who promised to get me into Playboy, with him to California, Hollywood, to meet my destiny.

You see, God works mysteriously. Had I been a success there that summer, I might not have hung around the city meeting all the people I had to meet, who connected me with photographers, editors, which finally led to this photographer. It was God’s plan being implemented the whole time.

I heard about Mom’s forthcoming death while working in Providence, Rhode Island in January “79.

Two days after her death – March 11 – I was filming ‘Real People’ with heavy thoughts on my mind.

March 12, 1979 was her funeral. I got there slightly late, {no, I will not be late for my own funeral!} after they closed the casket. She had asked the casket to be closed from the beginning, but no one listened. Since I was the only one late, I was the only one that obeyed her, not to see her dead in the coffin. Obedient to the end. {End Chapter 11}

College of Matriarchal Love, College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Matriarchy & its Issues

Antagonism Against Matriarchy – Also re Why War is Wrong, It’s Only for Making Money! – & Also re Anti-Feminists, Anti Female

Empowerment Fake Women

We start with William Bond: Hi Everyone

From what I have read South East Asia is the last place on the planet where we had matriarchies. India was one a matriarchal country but was invaded by the Muslims. Southern India held out until India was taken over by the British who undermined matriarchal rule in India. Indonesia was also matriarchy but Muslim Arab traders began promote the Islamic religion in Indonesia and turned most of Indonesia into a patriarchal country.

Japan and Taiwan were also matriarchal, but both countries were invaded by patriarchal Chinese settlers or immigrants who took over both of these countries. The original inhabitants of Japan and Taiwan were very tall people and some have survived in Taiwan and in Northern Japan. The Philippines were again matriarchal but were conquered by the Spanish. Magellan the first European to sail to the Philippines was killed by a tribe, whom the Spanish claimed were giants.

Indo-China is also reported to have been matriarchal but was changed to patriarchy by influence from China which repetitively failed to conquer the Indo-Chinese countries.

The last Matriarchal hold-outs still exist in South-East Asia. Like The Mosuo of China, The Khasi and The Garo people of North East India, The Kerala state of Southern India. The Minangkabau of Sumatra in Indonesia, The Ryukyu islands of Japan and The The Nagovisi tribe of South Bougainville island of New Guinea William

Hi Pete

I have wondered why the whole concept of Matriarchy has been suppressed for a long time. I saw this in the book “The First Sex” by Elizabeth Gould Davis back in the 1970s. Feminists criticized the book because she dare mention matriarchy. Then later Marija Gimbutas was heavily criticized for the same reason.

I think the reason why Matriarchy is criticized and suppressed is because patriarchy fears it. It should be obvious that men do a terrible job in ruling our world, but they get away with it, because as they will tell you, there is no alternative. But there is and that is Matriarchy.

Patriarchy used to fear feminism but have now found ways to manage it. They tell female politicians they have to act and behave like men if they want power and female politicians go along with this. So this can be used as an argument against Matriarchy as patriarchy can say, “women are just as bad as men”.

Women are told the lie that love and compassionate are a weakness. But that is not true, because the people desperately want to be ruled by compassionate and caring rulers. Which will never happen under patriarchal rule. Only nurturing women can provide this type of leadership. So if the people are given the choice of a loving Matriarchal government or a uncaring and corrupt patriarchal government they will always choose Matriarchy. So patriarchy has to make sure the people are never given that choice. William

Rasa says: To even DISCUSS Matriarchy makes people think about it. Patriarchs don’t want anyone to even THINK ABOUT IT. If people thought about it many of them would wonder if it’s a good alternative, many would want to see it tried. So remove the subject from the table is what they want to do – Matriarchy never existed, they want us to believe, it does not exist & it cannot be.

They are SCARED TO DEATH of women. Rasa

Pete Jackson: Indeed, that is very true, Rasa and William. Them denying the existence of Matriarchy also functions as a form of gaslighting as well, to deliberately mess with Women’s heads. Worse, sometimes they even deny that patriarchy ever existed either, even worse gaslighting.

From Rasa: Thanks Pete. What does Gaslighting mean? Like Charles Boyer in ‘Gaslight’ making Ingrid Bergman think she’s crazy?

I think I’ll name one of my Matriarchal books ‘What Men are Afraid of”

Men are afraid of women getting together for sisterhood

Men are afraid of women’s INDEPENDANCE

Men are afraid of women thinking logically for themselves – not listening to them or obeying their precepts

Men are afraid of women LEAVING them

Men are afraid of women’s FAITH, CONFIDENCE, VIRTUES, believing in their own God their own way rather than being told who & what God is, what God wants, how to believe, how to behave

Men are afraid of women having meetings, talking to each other, getting together: Sisterhood. In sisterhood there is power.

So all of the above is discouraged in Patriarchy.

What they want is:

Women’s obedience

Women’s FEAR of them

Women’s confusion as to history & facts

Women not to know or understand their real agenda, how evil it is

Women to be weak, passive & not fight back

Women to surrender the mgmt of their children to them although they do not have the best interests of kids at heart

Women to serve them like Steppford wives / slaves

Women to be loyal & faithful like a dog

Women to adore, admire them, & build them up

Women to do what they the men want, not to interfere, just stand out of the way & do background work

Women to keep SILENT re issues such as Patriarchy, Matriarchy, why it is – the gender war – the history of it or anything of it

Pete: I’d like you to explain re war. I know it is to MAKE MONEY in general. In the ancient days it was easy to explain. They attacked other peoples to get everything they had, their land, their resources, animals, women – anything of value. Then they turned the inhabitants into work slaves & breeding slaves.

But the way Gen. Smedley explains it, it’s like corporations making money every time we make war with someone.

Could you give us more insights on that? To the average person – like myself – who knows little of politics, how does this corporations making money in war work? I know vaguely but would like to get your insights. For instance, I know, say one company produces airplanes, they make money. The chemical companies produced Agent Orange, they sprayed the jungles of Vietnam, giving everyone cancer, they made money. All that is purchased to run an army, the producers make money.

Do you have some better, more insightful & precise way of explaining it? Rasa

From Pete Jackson:

Gaslighting in today’s lingo is indeed derived from the film of the same name. Broadly defined, it is when someone makes someone else question or doubt their own reality, make someone think they are going crazy, or otherwise invalidate their experience.

As for war, what Maj. Gen Smedley Butler said was bang on the money, and not much has really changed since he wrote that in 1935. At least not changed for the better. Since then, the cancer of the mercenary-industrial complex (what I like to call the military-industrial complex) has only metastasized many times larger since then, failing to heed President Eisenhower’s famous warning as he was leaving office. It has become even more big business, as so much of the military’s functions have been outsourced to private defense contractors (i.e. mercenaries) like KBR, Halliburton, Blackwater, Dyncorp/CSC, Raytheon, etc. And that’s to say nothing of the weapons manufacturers who quite literally make a KILLING on all of this.

And yet, it still hasn’t unambiguously won a single hot war since WWII, except for Grenada. Korea was a stalemate, Vietnam was a loss in the end, Afghanistan was a loss in the end, and Iraq, including the first Gulf War, had ambiguous results at best. All wars since WWII except Grenada were thus varying degrees of stalemate, loss, or temporary Pyrrhic victory at best. And the Cold War, which we won, was of course by definition not a hot war (though it clearly gave rise to several hot proxy wars all the same).

Lots of corporations directly and indirectly make money from this war racket. Best of luck, Pete

Rasa: Excellent rendition. Thanks Pete

William Bond says: I think the idea that men have no interest in older women is a myth. Yes, there are many men who prefer younger women and that seems to be acceptable. But for some reason it is unacceptable for men to desire older women even though many men have these desires. William

Rasa says: We went through this William many times. The Patriarchy doesn’t want young men to be INFLUENCED by older or experienced, authoritative {to some degree} women. They want to put OLD WOMEN OUT TO PASTURE, not give them any platform to influence the youth, as then, it will be their agenda, not men’s. Old women do not want to send young men into war to kill & be killed, for example.

From Ajax the Great:

Viva La….Counterrevolution? Why “Reactionary Feminism” Is An Anachronistic Oxymoron That Will NOT Help Women

Some on the interwebs are recently claiming that a “sexual counterrevolution” is afoot, one that is ostensibly led by Women on both sides of the Atlantic (USA and UK) who are fed up with the sexual revolution as it were. From Mary Harrington (who apparently coined the term, as well as the term “reactionary feminism” with which she herself identifies) to Louise Perry to Christine Emba to Katherine Dee to Evie Magazine to a few others, including some men as well, there does appear to be a trend back towards sex-negativity, or at least against the perceived excesses of sexual liberation.

The sexual revolution, like the industrial revolution, was a mixed bag overall. Contrary to what some believe, it was neither an unalloyed good nor an unmitigated evil. But overall, it was on balance a good thing I think. Yes, even for Women too. If anything, it is still unfinished to this day. It is not a simple case of “men won and Women lost”, just like the industrial revolution was not merely a simple case of “bourgeoisie (capitalist class) won and proletariat (working class) lost”. Sexual liberation does NOT need to be a zero-sum game at all. Only the male-defined sexuality of patriarchy is truly a zero-sum game, which has existed long before the sexual revolution. Female-defined sexuality is not.

Rasa says: I am asking Mother God to help me with this, as I am somewhat out of my depth, but I rely on Mother God’s help to understand it all. And so, Mother God, why are these women against the ‘sexual revolution?’ I think this revolution happened with women rising up, gaining some empowerment. So why are these women against it?

Mother God: These women are SABOTEURS or traitors to the cause, the way during Hitler’s time, traitor Jews turned in other Jews. They hope to gain some applause & benefits from patriarchs for turning against other women, propping up Patriarchy. They don’t care about human beings & their plight, they only care about themselves & their immediate life, & making some sort of fanfare for themselves – gaining approval & notoriety from the systems that is in power.

Ajax continues: As for the idea that there should be some sort of counterrevolution, as author Louise Perry advocates in The Case Against The Sexual Revolution, well, some good rebuttals from many different angles can be found here, here, and here. Even Christine Emba’s new book, Rethinking Sex: A Provocation (the thesis of which is neither new nor particularly provocative) can be criticized here, here, and here as well. These rebuttals for both, all written by Women, are far, far better than anything I could ever write. And while these two authors occasionally make some decent points here and there, they are both quite heavy on problems and light on solutions. Emba’s solutions are far too vague and anodyne, while Perry’s are far too retro (if not extremely non-starters as well), to even be considered solutions.

But truly the only real solution is the one that these authors don’t seem to consider: MATRIARCHY. It’s like they are afraid to even utter the word, or something. Not surprising, of course, given how utterly infantilizing and agency-denying some of their arguments are to Women in general.

It is true what they say that mere consent should be the floor, not the ceiling, of sexual ethics. No argument from me there. Even most sex-positive feminists would agree as well. What Emba in particular calls “radical empathy” is also crucial, as well as respect, honesty, and basic human decency/dignity, of course. But beyond that, their arguments really start to coast into confusion if not utter incoherence overall. And the relatively short shrift they give to non-heterosexual folks (both Women and men), who they barely even acknowledge at all, also does the reader a serious disservice as well.

Rasa with Mother God says: Yes, it’s a Patriarchal thing to beat up on people for sex, for their sexual choice if it’s different, for their sexual behavior between consenting adults. So they are simply betraying the empowerment of women & endorsing Patriarchy.

But back to Mary Harrington. Her brand of “reactionary feminism” takes it a step further and apparently wants to roll back not only the sexual revolution, but also the industrial revolution as well, and possibly even the Enlightenment too. The 1950s is apparently not traditional enough for her, as she quite literally seems to prefer….the 1450s. (Riddle me this: If that time period was so great, then why all the peasant revolts, in which revolutionary Women, eventually persecuted as “witches”, played an outsized role?) She is really quite the anti-modernist, it seems, and the title of her upcoming book, Feminism Against Progress, kinda says it all. She comes dangerously close to sounding just like the Neoreactionary movement at times. Oh, and she also denies that patriarchy ever even existed either. Thus, her vague “solutions” would essentially preclude the only real solution of Matriarchy as well. And yet she calls herself a feminist, go figure!

Rasa with Mother God says: This woman is gaslighting {you taught me this term Ajax!} She doesn’t MAKE SENSE so she is in sync with Patriarchs, who also don’t ‘make sense’ unless you know they are trying to enslave women.

Ajax continues: (To be fair, Harrington is not the first person to ever criticize the notion of “progress” either. Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex at Dawn, also wrote a sort-of sequel, Civilized to Death: The Price of Progress, in which he also criticizes the unquestioned notion of progress, albeit from a different and clearly sex-positive angle, and with VERY different solutions compared to the reactionaries. I triple-dog dare Harrington to debate him, lol. But much like Lynn Saxon, author of an unconvincing rebuttal titled Sex at Dusk, she would probably just resort to cad-shaming and other ad hominem attacks.)

Rasa with Mother God says: We, the ‘Three Musketeers of Matriarchy’ – know & agree that the sex issue is CRUCIAL to female empowerment & Matriarchy. When women gain sexual freedom, they gain everything, because 99% or so of the male domination principle is to control women’s sexual behavior. Once that is freed up, game over for men. So of course these evil women would rant on the issue of sex, going backward instead of forward. This would hurt the cause of women & humanity; it would be against God, as God wants female empowerment & Matriarchy. Why would She be rendering human males EXTINCT?

Ajax continues: Oh, and finally, one of her most ridiculous articles ever is literally titled, “Middle Aged Women Don’t Want Sex”, and presumably that applies to Crones as well. Somehow that sounds a bit like projection perhaps? And besides, the legendary Guru Rasa Von Werder has clearly and famously debunked this utterly specious notion to be not only inaccurate, but almost a full 180 degrees wrong as well.

Rasa with Mother God says: All women want sex, young & old. It’s time to recognize that old women appreciate sex as much as anyone else does & they should have the right to use their bodies for pleasure. That is an important principle.

Ajax continues: Thus, so-called reactionary feminism occupies that awkward space between where extreme sex-negative radical feminism and extreme sex-negative anti-feminism meet per Horseshoe Theory. Much like how the far left and far right become dangerously close to each other as well. It is essentially the worst of both extreme worlds, and its pied pipers should really be avoided like the plague and not discussed further. Except insofar as sunlight is the best disinfectant, of course.

UPDATE: Oh, and about those revolutionary Women of the 15th century, eventually persecuted as “witches”, did you know that many of them believed in and practiced communal living and even (gasp) free love? You know, the same things that are absolutely anathema to those self-proclaimed “reactionary feminists” discussed above? According to the actual feminist Sylvia Federici, they apparently did. So far from being the granddaughters of the “witches” they couldn’t burn, today’s reactionaries are more like the granddaughters, or at least ideological descendants, of the sellout Women who collaborated with the witch-hunters and threw their sisters under the bus. That is true not just for these reactionaries, but also for all slut-shamers, SWERFs, forced-birthers, victim-blamers, and rape apologists as well–all of which being just a very short walk away from one another.

Rasa with Mother God says: Sexual liberty for women is crucial. We need to work on this issue strongly – we are. But hope to leave behind a legacy where the sisters & good brothers behind us, continue to work on it.

More from Ajax the Great, after I said a couple remarks:

Thank you, Rasa. Very well-said overall. These “reactionary feminist” women that I referred to, are not even really academics or pundits, they are one-trick-pony ideological hacks at best. They are actually worse than the academics IMHO. And they are clearly NOT of God, no matter how much they may pretend to be. They are probably the most dangerous one of all, as their agenda (if it gains traction) would literally set Women back decades if not centuries, and sabotage any hope of Matriarchy occurring in the near future.

Rasa with Mother God says: They are dangerous if anyone believes their agenda & lies – but fortunately intelligent people will know they are nuts. We have made some progress & going backward, saying it’s right to go backward, is not going to fool too many people these days.

Ajax continues: To be fair, I am willing to give one of them, Christine Emba, the benefit of the doubt as merely being a bit confused about things given her background, and her heart may very well be in the right place overall even if she ends up being incorrect in many ways. I may not agree with a lot of what she says, of course, but she does not seem to be cut from quite the same cloth as the rest of the ones I mentioned, and she is otherwise at least somewhat progressive. As for the rest of them? They can all go take a long walk off a short pier.

Mary Harrington is the worst, and Louise Perry is almost as bad. Anti-feminist wolves in sheep’s clothing, basically. Snakes in the grass, the lot of them. They are worse than even the demonic Phyllis Schlafly, since with the latter at least you knew where you stood with her.

And Lynn Saxon? While I don’t know much about her, years ago she was the one whose only two books she ever wrote were to “debunk” and cast aspersions on Christopher Ryan’s “Sex at Dawn”, and later to cast bonobos and bonobo research in a bad light in “The Naked Bonobo”. She is apparently nothing but a professional troll with an axe to grind against anything even remotely resembling sexual liberation, though I am not sure about how she identifies politically. She literally wrote nothing else, ever. That really says something. Reminds me of Derek Freeman making it his life’s mission to discredit Margaret Mead’s “Coming of Age in Samoa”, also (not coincidentally) about indigenous sexual freedom.

Rasa with Mother God says: Anyone with two brain cells will not take her seriously, given she only wrote those kind of books, lol.

Rasa continues: This article speaks of things I know little about. I don’t know these women & have not read their books. But I know these TYPES of women & don’t want to WASTE MY TIME & ENERGY studying them, because they are saying such NEGATIVES – I just want to stay away from them cluttering my mind. However, since you read them & DEBUNKED them I’m very grateful & I’ll try as best I can, to interject my remarks within your great insights, then I will post it on my site & later a Matriarchal book.

I do have a copy of Sex at Dawn, agree with it totally, think it’s a really important book affirming our position. That I do know. In fact, Dr. Dale Glaebach years ago called me on the phone to tell me about this book, how great it was, urged me to read it, so that’s why I’m aware of it. It confirms & affirms our position on sexuality, bonobos, & all of that.

464 views