Chapter 5   Wisdom of the Cross vs Worldly Wisdom written 9-25-22  also How Abuse Makes

You Strong  also  Suicide Attempt of Spoiled half Sister

In my life being reviewed, there are situations where it seems I didn’t ‘act smart’ or ‘do the right thing,’ like marrying the millionaires who wanted me. I explained as best I could I didn’t feel these were the right moves for me, & today I got an insight.

My life has been led by ‘the Wisdom of the Cross’ rather than that of the world, so let’s get an explanation. What is one kind, & what is the other?

The wisdom of the world is exactly the OPPOSITE of the Cross. If you see this by the Light of the life of Jesus, you see that he did the ‘wrong’ things in the eyes of the world – he brought about his own punishment & death. But he did the Will of God in all things, & the Will of God brought upon him the wrath of Society but the protection & Grace of God. My life is like that.

With Jesus, there are those who believe he was an itinerant preacher in India, possibly during his 12 to 29 yrs absent from the bible, & also after he survived the crucifixion & went back to India. There’s a book, “The Life of Saint Issa’ by Nicholas Notovitch who traveled through the areas where Jesus was & there is documentation in the monasteries. There’s also a video by the BBC which explains ‘Jesus in Kashmir’, what happened after his Crucifixion.

Wherever Our Lord went he caused conflict, & with that comes persecution & danger. The world is not one of God, like He said, ‘Satan is the Prince of this world,’ & so when one preaches Truth, one comes up against the Prince of Darkness & his vassals. Obviously these are TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS – He said, ‘My Kingdom is not of this world!

To represent the Truth brings trouble in a world built on lies. If Jesus followed the ‘wisdom’ of the world He’d not have condemned the Pharisees, He would have been diplomatic with them – but he called them names & denounced them in front of the people. If he wanted safety He would not have turned over the money changer’s stalls in the Temple – He was ASKING FOR TROUBLE. But He was teaching & preaching through his actions.

In my case, had I wanted the peace of this world – not of God – I would have played along with Mom, denounced my Dad & turned my back on him. But I resisted her & welcomed Dad when he visited, even sleeping on the foldout couch with him. That was my first ‘mistake’ in worldly wisdom.

I made many other ‘mistakes’ by following God. I did things society HATED like female body building. I gained the wrath of many a man – believe it or not, as late as 2007 as I was about the receive my award as Progenitor, a man, when he found out what I was really about – the emancipation of women – pleaded with Dan Lurie not to give me the award. A few people argued against me. But in the end, I won.

Now take note that those who buck the world but obey God are not sitting ducks. They receive from God her Love & Her Grace, which includes Protection. It is the Supernatural that we have faith, hope & trust in – It is the Supernatural that we are part of, that we depend on, & in the end, not always right away, we are awarded, rewarded & exonerated by God. If we do not gain happiness on earth, each time we obey God during hardships, our souls become more radiant, & this acquisition will last into Eternity. The world cannot crush us forever; it can do so temporarily, but not even that at all times. In some cases, we gain what we lost on earth while we are still here.

As for example, they thought they killed Jesus, but the Grace of God gave him Joseph of Arimathea & Nicodemus, who brought healing herbs, got him out of the grave, took him to some undisclosed place to recover. He appeared to the disciples time & again, straightened them out, then went on his way, living to the ripe age of 81, ministering in Tibet, & is buried in Kashmir.

And that is why I did not marry the several multi-millionaires who wanted me. In the end, I did marry a rich man, who gave me enough for all my needs & future. {I made my own million before that, I proved myself, no beggar was I.}

This was God’s way – not my endeavor. I resisted marrying Richard for years but in the end – God MADE ME marry him, explained elsewhere.

I was harshly criticized for many things I did, but I followed the beat of the distant drummer from Heaven. My mind & heart were always with the Infinite God. I was not & am not ‘of this world’ or its mentality. And because of this, I trust in God, not money, not men, not anything but God, & the Almighty blesses me. That’s what makes me DIFFERENT. Most women are focused on MEN – My mind is centered on God, my whole life began with God, remained with God & will end with God.

Chapter 6   Insight Re How Abuse Makes One Strong

For many years I kept asking God, why the abuse? Why did you allow it? And the only answer I’d get was ‘to make you strong.’ But how, I could not discern.

Then after writing the previous, this came to me from Mother God:

“Think of it as resistance training. When you lift weights you pick up an amount that takes strength, it RESISTS YOU, & you have to CONQUER IT.

Abuse is like that. Your Mother says or does things that hurt you. You must resist those actions, with a COUNTER THOUGHT or ACTIVITY, & that EXERCISES your POSITIVE EXISTENCE. Let’s say she says in word or deed,

“You are WORTHLESS.”

You counter with,

“How can I be worthless while being created by God & God loves me? Would God love something worthless? And I have DONE MY BEST that I know to do. I have harmed no one; I have not committed sin, so how could I be worthless?”

On the other hand, she treated your brother & other family members like they were IMPORTANT. This SPOILED them into delusional thinking, that they meant more than you & others. That is the WORST thing that can happen. It’s better to be abused, within reason, than spoiled. Being spoiled causes sin – the sin of feeling vain, proud, superior & LOOKING DOWN on others. Your bro was no more important than you or anyone else just because Mom gave that impression. Being spoiled did not demand his exercise of VIRTUE. He was LAZY in that he’d take the EASY WAY OUT, like the landscaping business you mentioned {in Part 8}. He did not GO OUT OF HIS WAY to create a success, the project FAILED. And when Mom bought him a property that could have been lucrative, he took it for granted, he SURVIVED, he worked & PROVIDED, but he did not KILL HIMSELF so to speak, didn’t go ‘the extra mile’ toward big success, & when he died, he left his family in debt. He wife, a senior citizen, had to return to work to remain solvent.

Your bro & others like that, are like the High Society people who INHERIT MONEY, prestige & status. For NO REASON they feel superior, they Lord it over others. But basically, they have no skills how to survive, like for example, making their own food, doing menial chores like taking care of animals, keeping the house clean – all the things that servants do – the ‘underlings.’ Indeed, they have other skills / traits like education, refined manners, conversational skills, social dancing, even horseback riding but not horse tending. They have skills that make them get along with other wealthy people & gain favor in society, sometimes achieve that kind of success, but not basic skills of survival when all is taken away. These type people – like royalty – expect money to come from somewhere; endowments, annuities & inheritances. Strip them of societal help – put them out on the street & they will flounder. Think of the account of ‘The Prince & the Pauper.’

The main idea of The Prince and the Pauper -

In Mark Twain’s The Prince and the Pauper there is a clear disconnect between the wealthy and the poor. The rich, in their lofty positions in fine estates away from the dirt, noise, and misery in London’s slums, they place no value on the lives of the poor.

Tom Canty, the pauper, was raised with his sister by Dad & Grandma to beg on the streets & when not enough was garnered, beaten mercilessly. The Prince, upon entering his social milieu, saw that poor people were burned alive & hanged for minor offences.

{As a child my Dad read this book to me in Lithuanian, called, “Princas ir Elgeta.’ I was deeply impressed.}

Mother God continues: Your brother always expected help from Mom & she always gave it. From childhood he was privileged, like the time you were 7 years old, he almost ten, when he tricked you into what he hoped would be impalement on his spear. As explained in Part 3, he had a stick which he sharpened for 2 days. When it was ready he suggested you prove yourself, how fast you could run, without the spear getting struck by the cobblestones {in the back yard} & you had to run as fast as possible, holding the spear toward your body, & NOT get hit by a cobblestone.

He plotted this, looking at you with a devious smile while he whittled, & you being a gung ho naïve, eager to prove yourself person, did what he asked.

Suddenly in the middle of it you did hit a rock – hard – & it thrust not into the vagina, as your bro hoped, but into your left thigh. Your Guardian Angels prevented disaster – a thrust in the vaginal area would have penetrated your intestines, caused toxemia & you could have died within days.

But instead, it was a flesh wound, albeit a bad one that took weeks to heal & months for the scab to fall off.

Your Mom did NOT take you to the doctor to sew up the wound for fear your brother would get into trouble, she risked your life rather than the far chance he might get blamed. That was the first big incident of favoritism to him, a lower value put on you. {Your Dad did nothing as Mom was the bully – he obeyed her.}

This was only the beginning of favoritism to him & deprivation to you – You the pauper, he the Prince.

And through the years you were so deprived, so downgraded by her & those she marshalled {Dad abandoned you} that by the time you left home you looked to no one for a meal ticket – you relied on yourself, your faith in God, trust & confidence in her. Seeing no way out of your misery, you had to really ‘kill yourself’ to survive. You were literally out on the street when the main who took you to Hollywood left you there – with no friends, family – nothing. Somehow through faith & work, you survived, & a few years later living in a beautiful house in Beverly Hills – {attained through WORK, not chicanery or being given anything by any man} – & the same man who dropped you on the street visited & dropped his jaw. He could not comprehend how you had thrived. He said he’d get you into Playboy but did not. Then he saw you in the magazine as ‘Miss Nude Universe ‘ – they gave him your address, & there he came, astounded & left without understanding.

There was another low point in your life in the mid 80’s. You were unhappy with the Stripping career, as no matter how hard you worked, how famous you got, you had no money. The agent you had could only get you about 6 jobs a year – yes, you got 2,500 to 4 thousand a week six times a year. You had no money in the bank. At one point he got you nothing for 6 months – You didn’t realize that he wasn’t even trying. Prior to that, you got him the names & phone numbers of places you could work – but they would not book a dancer directly, it had to be through an agent, & he’d call, make the gig, & demanded 20%. This was Don DeCarlo from Pittsburgh. Another agent you had had was in NYC, only charged 10% – You told Don from now on, it was 10%, which was fair. And that was the end – he didn’t even LOOK for a job for you – he was so pissed you downed his salary. So you had no job for 6 months & you survived because you lived modestly.

At that point you sought a way out. You had to be inventive, use your imagination. You put ads in the paper, as you had many fans, where men could date you {no sex} for a price & could speak to you by phone, if they paid. This brought in maybe $100. a week.

There was only one man who paid for dates – a foot & leg man, he took you out about 5-6 times. You had to wear special stockings & high heeled shoes, you were out for several hours, going to a few different bars in the city. He bought the special stockings he wanted, you had the shoes, he’d gaze at your legs & feet the entire night, then pay you something like $75, then went to his hotel & presumably had a good time with his thoughts.

There were several men who paid you to talk – it wasn’t even about sex, but they went on & on past the time they paid for, some would drag it out for 2 hours, it was exhausting.

Then there was Joe from Middletown NY who was madly in love with you. He sent you about $150 a week & you talked on the phone at least one hour, & this helped the most. You were making it, but by the skin of your teeth.

It was then that God stepped in & by a process more complicated than we’ll go into now, God presented you a business. It’s explained in one of your books, but this business turned out to be so lucrative you took in one million dollars in sales by ten years.

It was a video production business. You had to make pictures to sell, then videos of you dancing. This later turned into domination & fetish videos & you gathered a huge client base, about 3k paying customers & your videos, most of which were custom made, sold for big money. They even resold them on 42^nd street, giving you 10k at a time for copies to resell. And the man who sold them said he made ‘great money.’

You had to learn new skills– it was the first time you owned a business – You had to learn video production – a new art! It was complicated. You worked your ass off & it paid off. You were a great success, new articles appeared re you & your videos in all the men’s magazines & underground papers.

This was ingenuity, creativity & zeal. Your bro had none of that, because his needs were met by Mom. You relied on God & yourself. This meant you had to have VIRTUE, the virtues of faith, hope, trust, fortitude, determination – all those things that bring success. God gave you the Grace, you worked with it – Just as God gives you the Grace RIGHT NOW to write your life story!

In the last two years you have written 7 books! This is the 8^th, called Part 9 {the first was published years ago}. This ability came from Grace, it’s not native to the flesh – Few humans could do what you’ve done, certainly not anyone you know, certainly no member of your family. And if anyone of them disputes your rendition of events, tell them to write accounts of what really happened, & you bet your bippy they won’t be able to.

To go on, the strength you portrayed in the events of your life – going against the system, beating at odds in various endeavors, breaking ground for women where others had not gone before – took courage. This virtue & others were honed by a hard life coupled with Grace, there is no other way – at least, not for you. So here you are, you have attained your dreams or wishes & its not over yet.

Another SPOILED Family Member tries to COMMIT SUICIDE

          Another case might be BAFFLING is my half sister, probably the love child of Mom & Marius, who I shall call Nihil.

I’ve spoken re her before, but not spilled the beans re her attempted suicide.

What amazed me is how well she was treated compared to me, right up into adulthood when I saw her last, & yet, somehow it did her little good.

She’s a mixed case of success & in the end – what to me is FAILURE as another person, friend of the family, has to SUBSIDIZE her life style! I mean MONEY is sent to her every month by someone else!

As I explained before, I taught her to read & write age four, then draw, taught her Sunday school – read to her from the bible, taught her various things like card games, reciting poetry, acting. I was her ‘Nanny’ with no thanks whatsoever.

When I visited at my Aunt’s house – can’t recall the year – say she was 10 years old, I was startled to see they gave her a huge tank with lizards. Such a luxury given me would have been UNTHINKABLE.

Years later, don’t know how, My Mom had purchased the exquisite house next to Aunt’s. At that time Nihil was sent to RIDINGSCHOOL {I have a pic somewhere, but where, with her jumping over a fence, replete with horsewoman uniform, helmet, etc} & they bought her A HORSE! I have no idea how much Aunt had to do with this as Mom USED AUNT, her younger sister, a lot. Aunt & Uncle had no children & their money situation was good so they might have subsidized some or all of this.

It was during this time it happened. Yes, I was speaking to Nihil at the time. I recall our last conversation before it happened. It was my daughter’s birthday – we were living in B’klyn. I’m on the phone with Nihil, bragging how I baked not a two layer, but a FOUR LAYER CAKE in all colors for her birthday.

A few days later I get a call. Nihil had gone into the woods behind the house & run out having cut both her wrists, bleeding profusely. They took her to the hospital – later the mental hospital. Here she stayed for months, the bill, once again, NOT paid by my Mom but a friend of the family. It was 16k if I remember right – what today would be around 75k! Mom always got someone to bail her out!

She never told anyone why she did it, to this day it’s a mystery. But the next summer she got the same kind of depression, would not get out of the bed. Aunt had to call the medics & they took her away in a straight jacket! Again, she stayed in the hospital for months, with another HUGE BILL! The same friend paid the bill.

Third summer comes by. Now Mom is in the General Hospital with lung cancer. And sis is getting the SAME SYMPTOMS. I am called by the family friend. Nihil is showing symptoms again of a collapse. There’s no money left, she’ll have to be put into the psyche ward of the hospital Mom is in! This would be brutal. She asks me to help.

OK go to the ‘Lady’s Chapel’ at St. Patrick’s Cathedral NYC. There I sit & pray for FOUR HOURS. I see Lights & Visions.

She is HEALED, at least to a point where once again she can function & never collapses again. The trauma is averted.

Nihil finishes college, she even goes into the military where she’s taught to CARRY A GUN & after 10 years, in the regular life she works in the realm of SECURITY where she also carries a gun. This gun business makes me wonder, she must have kept her attempted suicide a SECRET as would that disqualify her from military? I was told by my Officer friend at the Pentagon

“She must not have told them.”

OK, fine. She’s in many ways a success. Graduated an art college {because I taught her to draw} – Served in the military with honor for ten years, worked at good jobs all her life until retirement. Gets married to a guy she met while in service. They have two incomes.

But why is she too broke to afford Cable TV, lol? A lady friend is now subsidizing them so they can afford a few extras. To me – this is FAILURE. And why so, when she was not abused, but to my estimation, SPOILED?

          And what did I get for those four hours of prayer, which I know HEALED & helped her? What I got was a kick in the pants. When Mom was buried, her hate lived on in the hearts & minds of other members of the family. They brainwashed Nihil against me & she’s not spoken to me since 1979! And did anyone acknowledge my help those hours in Our Lady’s Chapel? Of course not.

Being spoiled did not make Nihil strong or honorable. Like my bro, she was used to being coddled, favored & supported. And what did it get her? Someone is helping her financially, & she, a college graduate with an income plus her husband’s income– still needs someone to send her money.