College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
Coming Attractions
I Strip for God coming attractions in Part 7 & other volumes
https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/rasavonwerder
Simpleton Joe Tex, Creepy Jackie Wilson, Zombie Richard Pryor, Little Richard, Johnny Mathis, Shirley Bassey, Ike & Tina Turner.
More on Tom Selleck & Hawaii, Max Baer of Beverly Hillbillies gets mad at me (CA).
A DWARF tries to rape me. Hedy Lamarr’s fence.
Mr. America Harold Poole, Mr. America Vern Weaver, Mr. Universe Chris Dickerson, Mr. Universe Franco Columbo, Mr. Universe Mickey Hargitay, Mr. America Mike Katz, the Hulk Lou Ferrigno, Mr. Universe Boyer Coe, Mr. Everything Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Hillbilly Hoods – I Move to the Country. Man I buy my Rotty from kills his Mom with a baseball bat.
Trapper captures dozens of my beaver & muskrats, skins them, & leaves their bodies 100’ from my house,
Hunter who I stopped messing on my land kills a deer, beheads her, & leaves her right on my path where I go to the woods,
My first night at the new house, in the back yard putting food for animals, bullets whistle all around me as drunk hoods are laughing & shooting randomly from the dirt road behind my house.
When I arrive in the country am told a man 2 miles away shot a woman, hung her up like a deer & gutted her like a deer.
Neighbor kids invade my property pretending to ‘help’ & cause the death of my beloved goose & all her goslings.
Boys in town puncture the tires of all the new cars, another set of punks knocks over the gravestones in a cemetery.
Men are having hunting accidents left & right. One disables an innocent boy walking on a dirt road, another one takes his son with friends into the woods, somehow blows the boys head off, then shoots himself. Five hunters invade my land; I catch them with a deer bleeding out of the trunk of their vehicle, face 5 men with guns & ask them to leave my property.
Dating a hit man in NY – memories of long-ago NY, 16 yrs old met DJ ‘Symphony Sid’ & he takes me to see Jimmy Smith & Mongo Santamaria, tries to kiss Mongo a French kiss, wow, does he get mad, Sid is NUTSO alcoholic, drives like a maniac. When I return to NY somehow connect with him again & see him the last day he’s on the air (1972?).
More places I danced all over U.S. & Canada, Hawaii & Puerto Rico, crazy people I met, nice people, unusual, interesting people. (The wig sniffer, the gay manager who snagged a sex date because of me) the sailor who thought he was dating a different woman after I changed outfits, the born-again Christians who picketed me in Texas & Hawaii, Zula’s Saloon—Evansville, Indiana—the minister who wanted me to go to his Church & say he saved me, why? Because he got caught with a hooker & wanted to say he only went to these places to save women, I would be his front. Etc., many other anecdotes.
Childhood anecdotes, Waccabuc, wild roses from my Dad to Ara & Henry but she doesn’t appreciate it, – Ara & Henry get a Boxer from the pound, he likes to ‘kiss’ children, they keep making him ‘kiss’ my 4 yr old half sister, I cringe as I see he bares his teeth & wants to bite her, later he bites a 4 yr old boy in the face, but no one listened to me, – the red bird we save that was caught in between windows, we all gather in a circle around him, he drinks water & flies away, – I collect frogs in our swamp, bring them to school for ‘show & tell,’ – Instead of a sandwich, all I eat for lunch is one huge carrot, 5th grade, every day, – same year, I create my own ‘magazine’, with pictures, poems & a short story in a large spiral notebook, etc. MANY other childhood & family anecdotes, I write them as I remember them.
The CRAZY MODELS I photographed
One female has an abortion every year – blames the guys. Has a fit every day while working, ranting & raving on whoever is there. Another model is a thief, gets an advance & takes off. The third is a raving alcoholic on binges, I take her bottle away, she gets hysterical, demands I pay her off & disappears for 3 weeks. I make out a missing persons report. Find out later she got raped, thrown into jail for telling off a cop, all kinds crazy stuff as she went from bar to bar, hitchhiking & drinking. When she gets home, she reports to the FBI that I’m doing illegal stuff – the FBI shuts down my B’klyn mailing address & investigates me for one full year, realizing at the end I was not doing anything illegal. But during that year I was SICK ALL THE TIME FROM STRESS.
The female models I met locally, who did not stay overnight or weekends, all conducted themselves in a normal fashion, were great to work with.
The male model experience was one I would not wish on an enemy. They were crazy, greedy, insulting & DANGEROUS. I had to take one back to the bus station, shaking in my pants I would not be able to get rid of him or he’d get violent. Another one I found out later carried a gun in his suitcase & he sneaked out early taking two expensive jackets. A third one I had to call the cops on, he was threatening me for more money. And last but not least one clown sued me on a lawsuit that cost me about18 grand to defend myself. I won of course, but good lawyers charge $300 an hour – & the guy was the worst flake, complainer, lazy, greedy filthy gigolo I had ever met. Others were funny, some insulted & hurt me. I am glad that chapter of my life shall never be repeated. What good came out of it? I worked like a dog for four years, learned photo shop & have a huge collection of great photography. Have used the work in a few books & will do so in many more. Not a one of these guys became my friends, not even the guy I used thirteen weekends. But they still had the guts to call me later on requesting money – for what? Because they needed it.
The COUGAR experience. Why on earth would God want me to quit celibacy & have ‘fun’? Why allow me to sink down into the flesh when I had conquered my sex drive with 30 years abstinence, I was at peace. Why did you, God, let me degrade myself, suffer with lust like a fat person wanting food sinking lower & lower into misery? Why take me from happiness into this? You said I would be outside Your will if I remained celibate & stayed ‘home.’ So I obeyed. No one believed me that God made me do this, perhaps some day they will. And again I ask why? Why – Why?
And God said this to me the other day:
“It’s hard for you to understand, but I chose you & I used you to do my work. You know yourself that one of the worst things Patriarchy has taught people, especially women, that sex is dirty & it’s a sin; it must be controlled by the Patriarchal rules. And so, I used you to break open barriers, to be an example of one who is morally good but active in sex. I know you’d been sexually involved before, but you became celibate, which to some would see that you turned your back on sex as it was bad – which would be agreement with society. But when you turned back to sex & went whole hog into it, as a Cougar no less, that justified sex. And I wanted to open the doors to sex for women, to show them not to be afraid of men, to be free, to make their own rules. The most important thing is that YOU DID NOT SIN, YOU OBEYED. Yes, society thinks you sinned, but I, God did not. I sanctioned it. Few women could have been strong enough to do what you did, as you have been laughed at, judged & condemned all your life, & now this.
Now & after you’re dead, you will be a BRIDGE to liberate & justify others who are in the sex trade or otherwise sexually active. They have been forced to be ‘non persons,’ ashamed & pariahs in society. But sending you out there, you will be known to many as a decent person, even a saint, & yet you did this – you had sex with a lot of men, even in old age. And so, many women will cling to you, have hope in your example & stop the shame & guilt that is so psychologically DEADLY. When a person feels that way they dislike, even hate themselves, & they can’t be happy. So I have used you, you obeyed to do my work, in helping & liberating others from sexual repression.”
OK God, I will write down what I experienced as a Cougar & that will justify & liberate other women so they won’t be so ashamed, embarrassed & guilt-ridden by their sexual experiences. A lot of it was degrading, because when a person is hungry for sex they do demeaning things to get it, they lose their pride. But so what? It’s not a sin, the main thing is, I did not sin & that’s all that matters to my Eternal Life. {End coming attractions}
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College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
I Am the Goddess
Chapter 11 Part 6 2-12-22 I Am the Goddess
People want to know who I am, what I think, what is that new religion I created? Let me answer in this way.
I am the Goddess. I do not conform to any limited sphere of thinking, nor any one religion. I am Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Wiccan, Pagan, etct. I take from every religion I study, believe in the Saints of all religions. I studied the Egyptians & took from them, the Santerias are OK by me, every religion that worships God & Nature I am one with – the only thing I reject is anything against God, the Good, Charity, Kindness & Love.
I recognize that people are Creatures of God & all have God within them, as does all life & animals. I believe all animals go to Heaven as they cannot sin. I believe as the saints teach me, the majority of humans go to Hell because they choose to. The path to Hell is simply ignoring God & being uncontrite & unrepentant of sin.
But all those who love God, are the friends of God, are my friends also & I pray for them every day & have charged my Guardian Angels, if God agrees, to pray for the Good & Souls in Purgatory until the end of time. I have designated certain prayers I’ve asked my Guardian Angels to repeat daily this way {for instance, prayers to prevent child abuse} & I believe God will ratify this. I don’t see why not. For angels, prayer requires no effort.
I have obeyed all that I know about God which I have learned from various religions. I have prayed items the average person ignores. For instance, I have made recompense for each child aborted in my family, including the seven my Mom aborted & the one I did {I was raped}. They have heard my prayers – {which I learned from a book.}
I have said the prayers recommended for death long ago – around 1981. I have purchased 1k worth of Holy Masses for my own departed Soul. I certainly will trust no one to do it for me. I have seen how un-responsible people are toward the departed. The dead will be lucky to get a few Masses, sometimes none, no Masses or prayers. I will handle my own Soul.
What I have learned from my long life {76 now} is not to be so naïve & gullible, not to trust people much, not to expect a lot of them, not to depend on them a lot, but to stand on my own two feet as much as I can. This is not easy but I have tried. At times I cannot do it on my own & then I seek God to bring me the help through people or otherwise, but I will not compromise my morals or character to get help from others.
I will not extend hate or prejudice or judgment upon anyone, certainly not those society has designated as ‘untouchables.’ These would be the ‘other’ races people despise or the poorest of the poor, or the unusual / different in lifestyle {homos, lesbians, transgender, etc.} or those in the adult trade, sex therapists, gigolos – which I am one one – certainly don’t despise myself.
My first priority is always to be the woman of God & if that costs plenty so be it. If that makes me a Pariah or weirdo or strangeling, I’m in good company – most of the Saints were thought of that way. No, I struggle not to lower myself to our society – they are the Pharisees Jesus condemned – the ‘Holier than thou’ people. Mind you, if most people are going to Hell & you go along with them, then you will be with them, it’s called ‘the broad Highway to Hell.’
[slb_group]
I once was brainwashed but now I’m not. The religion I was born into told me I had to believe a certain way, & that was it. But God told me otherwise.
No one knows & understands God, we see God through a glass darkly & we will never understand Her no matter how hard we try & how much we study. There is no Commandment that says
“Thou Must Understand God’,
it is IMPOSSIBLE. And so for anyone to tell you their religion is the one & only way, they are wrong – don’t listen. God tells us to love Her with ‘all our heart soul & mind,’ but She does not EXPECT us to understand Her no matter how hard we try.
Therefore, all those who follow their God invent or imagine ideas, rituals, holidays & so on, by which they recognize, obey & communicate with God. They pray, make images, totem poles, statues, they dress up, do routines, celebrate holidays, all in the name of God in various ways. Each person does what they consider OK, either they were born into a sect or chose one, & they do it to relate to God. No one is the only one right, no one is all wrong; they do it according to their preference & understanding.
God hears all, receives all, God knows all, & that’s all there is to it.
People have dressed differently in different epochs, none of it was wrong. They wore their hair this way or that, they practiced health rituals – none of this was bad. Religion is the same way.
This does not mean that I believe the doctrine of every religion – because they are at variance, sometimes contradictory. I take from each religion, belief wise, what I think is right & reject what’s wrong. I don’t swallow every word the Catholics teach me nor that of Protestants, but both have great qualities. So I take the good, resist the bad. One example it’s ‘faith & works’ we are saved by, not faith alone, that Martin Luther Sr. ruined by removing ‘& works.’ And the Protestants don’t venerate Holy Mary, but to me, She is the equal of Jesus – not to the CC but to me. It was She who appeared to the human race more times than Jesus to save humans during war & crisis.
And of course, we all hate, unless we’re demons, the great Women’s Holocaust – the Inquisition – perpetrated by the Catholic Church at the height of their power {Indeed, they also tortured & killed mega-many of those whose beliefs differed.} To me this exemplifies WHAT MEN ARE LIKE WHEN THEY HAVE GREAT POWER. I was surprised to learn recently that it was Napoleon Bonaparte who stopped the Inquisition. He confiscated all their documents on the genocide – 13 thousands trunks filled with data. I previously thought Napoleon was just another warlord, but after that, I was grateful to him.
I’m big on the Hindu-Yoga traditions; certainly adore the great Buddha, he is the forerunner or template of Jesus – both of them great Avatars. But of course I deplore the Caste system, as did Buddha & Jesus. Their doctrines I accept wholeheartedly.
The idea of the Goddess Durga who also turned into Kali to stop Patriarchy also appeals to me. The God’s & Goddesses are figments of our imagination – how we portray God. But God does have Infinite Powers & appears in Infinite ways, & through our finite thinking we model images of God to show Her various traits. Ganesh portrays Power & prosperity, Shiva the Masculine, Shakti the Feminine, these are imagined Faces of God which doesn’t make them wrong, it’s just what we conceive & if we need to see God in physical form, that’s fine, nothing wrong with that.
In America as elsewhere we have many sects, whose beliefs don’t coincide with mine, especially the Patriarchal, misogynistic ones. But I do respect the kind & sincere people who accept these religions – they try their best to follow what they believe, & that’s all God wants of us – to try our best. I don’t believe in some ideas of the Jehovah’s Witnesses or the Mormons but I respect those in it who love God. I don’t believe in the Patriarchal viewpoint of the Amish or Hutterites – the way they hold women down & deprive members of some human rights – but I don’t judge or condemn them & respect the sincere ones. There are many sects I don’t adhere to but that doesn’t mean I dislike the people in them – many are great souls who love God.
To find what I’m pushing today – what I believe the world needs – is to check out ‘Woman, Thou Art God,’’ the ‘new religion for women only.’ I think at this time, we must offset the thousands of years of Patriarchy, its brutal brain washing & lies against women. A future of women-only is moving toward us, this religion coincides with that. You can check my book on Amazon to preview it, in the ‘see inside’ facility; you’ll get the idea what it’s about. It’s ‘safe space’ for women – women dominate all of it from doctrine to rituals, but every activity & routine of the religion is not set in stone, it’s a work in progress, I give mostly the point of departure, women will write their own behavior, Commandments, scriptures, Sacraments, rituals & the like. Maybe there will be different sects of ‘Woman Thou Art God’ where some will lean this way, others that way, but the common ground will be Female Supremacy, females write the rules, the agenda, females meet in the temple where men cannot tread. Men of course can follow our religion without entering our temple – as women do in the Muslim faith. It’s a belief recognizing the God within & seeing we are One with Her, accessing Her & allowing Her to guide us to Salvation.
A word about the Wiccans – Witches to most people. I endorse the Dianic, female-led Wiccans as well as Pagans. They are not UNGODLY as the Patriarchal religions claim, they worship God through Nature.
The great anthropologist Marija Gimbutas said even in her lifetime, the Lithuanians – previously Pagans – would kiss the ground before planting their crops, thanking Mother Nature, & kiss it again when harvesting. That is loving God through nature.
I found out we had a Wiccan sect in my area & joined them. It was a wonderful adventure, like Girl Scouts. We met in the woods – a hundred of us, males & females. We all spoke, danced & shared food. Women designated as Goddesses wore capes & spoke I can’t recall what – but it was good. Everyone had a turn to speak during the ritual – we were all important, not like the bigger-than-thou Priests & Ministers of the Patriarchal sects.
The reason I eventually left was they wanted equal rights – egalitarianism – balance they said. How’s there balance when the lunatics are running the asylum? I wanted Female Supremacy & felt if I couldn’t get it here, where could I? In the ancient days Wiccan women were supreme & dominated the belief system. But if it’s diluted now to give men equal rights that doesn’t satisfy me. Yes I believe in equal rights ‘under the law’ like equal benefits, equal punishments for crimes, but females must run the family & the world & all that is in it including religion. If men want their own religion let them go their way & follow it, – just men & the dicks in skirts who follow them – But we don’t submit to them or their religion.
I might add re the spiritual realm, if one practices a certain religion to the max, there are roadmaps & markers along the way which foretell if one has reached a certain mark, like proficiency or sainthood or consciousness or Oneness or some sort of mystical closeness to God. If you want to reach certain markers in certain religions, you have to follow them zealously with all your heart & cannot flit from one to another at that time, you have to stick to what you’re doing until it’s done, & then you move on. The best example of this was Ramakrishna, a Hindu who practiced various religions like worship of baby Krishna, uniting with Jesus, & entering Nonduality, until he reached the Zenith of each marker, then he moved to the next level. I have done this also in the Catholic religion as well as Yoga. I have most of the Graces the Catholic Church teaches were conferred upon Saints & I accomplished this by imitating the Saint’s lives. {Don’t laugh, there are saints in the adult trade, sex is not a sin unless there’s exploitation or abuse. It’s one of the Patriarchal lies that masturbation, fornication & adultery are always sins – BIG LIES.}
Now as far as judging or evaluating people, we must be very careful not to judge them by their outer lifestyle or profession. A person is not their exterior or their job. They do what they have to do, what they can do, to make a living. They live as they can do best to survive. Do not judge people by their job, profession or lifestyle, what they are, who they are is inside, & this only the Holy Spirit can reveal to you. But if you have no relationship to the Holy Spirit, if you cannot hear the Voice within, cannot see visions or have dreams or intimations from God, then you are blind to the other dimension & you cannot hope to see what’s inside another. You simply have no idea who or what they are, if they are good or bad.
I have noticed that wherever I go & touch people lives are changed, there are healings & answers to prayer. This is because of the Anointing. I know God has sent me & chosen me to do Her work on earth, & I have done it, & it isn’t over although I’m old, my health is not like it used to be, I cannot dance like I used to {although I do a bit}, but I can sit & do many things, including write. It was time to do what I did when I was young, time to do what I do now. If I could still dance, run, & exercise the way I did before I might be hiking average 2 hours a day, exercising like a champ – & 75% of the energy & time I’m now using for writing would be used up. One door closes, another opens.
All that happened in my life, good & bad, was foreseen & permitted by the Grace of God, & God turned bad into good. That applies to everyone, if they have Faith. The best advice I can give to people, now or ever is practice virtue. Have Faith in God / Good, Hope & Charity for all. {except don’t bother with the demonic, if you know they’re enemies of God by the Holy Spirit revealing it to you, or by the negative effect they have on your life, try to stay away from them. Don’t wish them harm, just absent yourself from them.} Learn what the virtues are, read about saints. They persevered, they forgave, they endured, they withstood all hardships to get to where they were going.
They did not rely on the things of the world to bring them happiness, they communicated with God, they prayed / meditated, they sacrificed the lower things for the higher, they cared about others {but did not waste time with reprobates if they knew they chose Hell. And even if they are not reprobates, if they hate you or lack respect for you, if you can, stay as far away from them as much as possible – even your own relatives – especially your relatives as whoever can access your heart can hurt you the most.}
Learn virtues, practice them & that will be the Key & answer to all of life.
That’s what I have done & if I have succeeded it’s by the Grace of God & relating to Her through virtues.
PS I forgive all who have injured me from the day of my conception & accept the forgiveness of all those I have hurt. Amen.
College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Uncategorized
Souls Ascend into Heaven!
2-5-22 Several Honored Souls Ascend
There were many scenes, but I only recall the main ones.
I’m in a restaurant where I’m one of several waiters.
I get a dish from the kitchen. It’s two pieces of breast meat of chicken & they don’t give it to me on a plate, just right into my hands. Each piece of chicken is very light, soft & pliable, it hangs in my hands like soft rubber, & they are both kind of like clinging to one another.
*** {LIGHT SOFT CHICKEN: These are the Masses I said this day & why two because I said two Masses or else it could be that I consecrate ‘the Body & Blood of Jesus & Mary” who symbolically & spiritually are cling together as One.
It’s soft like that because I use parts of tortillas as the elements & they are soft & ‘rubbery’ in my hands.} ***
I walk into the dining room & am looking for a plate, which I find on a table – a white rectangular thick ceramic plate, like maybe a foot long & 6” wide with soft ridge / frame around it, like an exclusive restaurant might have.
*** {WHITE CERAMIC PLATE: Is my table, as my kitchen table is made of white tiles.} ***
I then ask the host who this goes to. He points to an empty table to the right, saying,
“To that lady there,’
& although no one is sitting there I go & place the chicken at this table. There are several other plates here with dishes, the table has a white tablecloth, I guess the lady’s in the rest room or something & how could I have known there is a lady there?
*** {THAT LADY WHO IS NOT THERE: By the flowers everywhere this sounds like a funeral or funerals. That the lady ‘is not there’ could be saying she’s not on earth, but it might also say she’s already ascended in anticipation of this / these Holy Masses. {God sometimes does that, in anticipation of something about to happen, God gives a person the Grace they would receive.} ***
As I make my way back toward the kitchen I maneuver through tables everywhere – small ones, each of which has bouquets of flowers. There are beautiful flowers everywhere, large pink blossoms, you can hardly make a path through them, the floor is even littered with rose petals.
*** {FLOWERS EVERYWHERE EVEN PETALS ON THE FLOOR: This sounds like multiple funerals for several people – there being several waiters also indicates there’s several people getting Masses. Maybe there was an accident where a few folks got killed.
The petals mean ‘procession’ as when there’s a procession to honor someone – this lady & / or others could have been distinguished persons, greatly loved. Maybe it was a great nun, other nuns or Priests, could have been Holy Saints.} ***
And I am not the only server – there are maybe 5 servers I see going from table to table.
MEANING: This might be saying that you & several others offering up Holy Masses have released several distinguished Souls into Heaven this day. You do not see the lady or the other clients, you only see the servers. That’s a hint they ascended, otherwise you’d see them.
College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
TOO BAD FOR MARVIN
TOO BAD FOR MARVIN Part 3 Chapter 9 – written 2-3-22
I said the Holy Mass for Marvin last evening, hoping strongly for his improvement – seeking for a spark of spiritual life – but had this dream:
I am hanging out with an old black boyfriend, one of the first I dated & related to as a Cougar – it must have been 2008 or “09. He was evil {not for what he did but who he was INSIDE}, a former drug pusher who was familiar with jail for that as well as being with an underage girl a while – the Mom of the girl apparently turned him in, he spent a year locked up. Of course I didn’t know this when we first hooked up, people don’t have resumes written on their torso stating their bad traits, in the beginning they put up a front.
So I’m with this guy & he’s acting just like the one mentioned, whom I’ll call KaSuck. KaSuck is always looking to con somebody out of something. So now he finds out about my friend, a lawyer, who has a trust fund that pays him good money. Somehow he gets hold of paperwork to the trust fund & takes it to the banker who releases it.
The banker is innocent, doesn’t know the scheme, thinks KaSuck is legit, & runs it through a machine – a small one on the counter against the wall – The machine gives him the name / identity of the recipient to validate it, then doles out the money {come to think of it somewhat like an ATM with credit cards, except these cards are bigger}
But too bad for the thief, the money won’t come out because his identity cannot be verified, the ‘cards’ the fund is on are wet. KaSuck gives some excuse how he got them wet – smiling – he always has a lie for everything.
We then leave & there were many scenes that are forgotten, perhaps this will do to illustrate our point.
MEANING: Wow, Marvin Gaye could not receive the Grace of the Holy Mass.
There are two possibilities. One, he is in Hell. ‘Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here’ says Dante’s Divine Comedy. Once a person is confirmed for Hell – a reprobate – there is nothing you can do for them. I have been friendly with several people like this, theyappeared to me in dreams & visions. One of them I was praying for & told God I would make sacrifices for him – as he was doing me favors – & he appeared & said to me
“Rasa, don’t try to help me, I’m going to Hell. I don’t care about anything except this material world, I don’t care where I go – don’t waste your time.”
He did me a favor which is not typical of the Hell bent; God must have constrained him to do it.
A couple other people I was friendly with I stopped because God showed me they were lost & would stay there – they did not want to change.
It’s a matter of free will. Our life state is based on our will & decisions. God wants us to love out of our own will – we cannot be forced or pushed, because then it isn’t free & is not true love. So if we reject love / God this is permitted – our choice & God will not force a change.
And so, these people cannot receive grace as they have rejected it by their own decision. You cannot help them, you waste your time praying or sacrificing for them – the Grace of your good deeds would go to someone else perhaps, by the mercy of God. But if you are sensitive to the other world like I am, God speaks to you & explains the situation so your efforts are spent elsewhere.
The principle of the Holy Mass not working for Marvin can be said this way ‘Dead people can’t eat,’ & Marvin is spiritually dead. Dead people also cannot enter Heaven. Their souls have no Light, they are in darkness. They have bodies & seem alive, but when the body dies the soul, which is unborn, unignited, no spark of life, sinks down into places called Hell, & they live for eternity it is said, in states of misery devoid of Love.
I must add – it can be hard to tell who these people are. Many reprobates have pleasing personalities, do good deeds, they are even Popes & Pastors, & unless the Holy Spirit shows you, you don’t know what’s inside them.
And on the other spectrum, some terrible people are actually good inside; they are sick, confused, bewildered & damaged & seem evil & crazy, but they are saved because deep inside they are good. Trust only the Holy Spirit to tell you the inside of a person.
Now, there is another possibility. It is that although he is in a Hellish state, it’s Purgatory, but he simply isn’t READY for the Holy Mass to be attributed to him.
Let me explain. You can only receive as much Grace as your karma will permit.
My husband, Richard Von Werder – a good man – died, & I proceeded to do the Gregorian Masses for him – which is 30 Masses in a row. Then I stopped. {St. Gregory the Great was Pope 540-604 AD, & he decreed this was appropriate for people that passed.}
When I finished the series I had a dream in which Rich appeared, asking God to have me say more Masses. But God said to him, in so many words, that his karma did not permit any more.
To show you how good Rich was, at my request, he left 8k worth of Masses for Souls in Purgatory including his family, 2k of it for himself– obviously a great act of charity. And yet, his karma did not permit me to say more than 30 Masses – which I cannot explain.
And so, the alleviation of pain is determined by God with the karma of the person in mind. In other words, we can only do so much & no more. We cannot take a person in the lowest state of Purgatory & catapult them into Heaven instantly, there is a ‘price’ to pay – which is really not punishment but cleansing, & this cannot all be wiped out faster than karma permits.
Dear Rich was only in Purgatory about 8 months, which is proof of his goodness. Let me give examples. My Mom was in about 24 years {she was bad} My Dad, 2 years, 9 months {he was good} – my religious mentor, Rev Judy Swaggart, 2 yrs 11 months – Anna Nicole Smith 64 days – a record at that time! Errol Flynn 23 years {not good but better than Mom}- {The celebrities I helped are in my book ‘Theater of Justice – Celebrity Souls Appear’.} Elvis Presley was 5 years, Frank Sinatra, 4 years, Dean Marin, 8 years, Rudolph Nureyev, 9 years, George C. Scott, 4 years, Timothy McVeigh {Oklahoma City FBI headquarters bombing!} ONE YEAR! My first husband was the worst – 55 years, pure evil.
Now Marvin Gaye has been in 37 years. If he can get out & when, I don’t yet know.
I like to imagine he is not READY for the Holy Mass, but at some point, he will be & then I can help. I will forget him for the time being & if & when God tells me to act, I will. Meanwhile I continue doing Masses for all the Souls in general as well as daily prayers, & whoever God chooses, they apply to.
This ministry to Purgatory is SUPERNATURAL. One cannot willy nilly just reach anyone they please – there are untold trillions in that space, reaching them takes some kind of Power. Knowing which ones to help & sending them Grace is SUPERNATURAL. You get this ministry by caring & working at it, which of course, I have.
One more note: The dream portrays an evil con man trying to get something that is not his – stealing. And so, for a person to receive a boon which is not owned them is like stealing. Here, he tries, but the one administering the money / GRACE {an angel, Saint, or Jesus Christ himself} will not release him it. He is not identified or designated to receive this Grace. He desires it – that gives me hope it’s Purgatory, not Hell – because in Hell they DO NOT DESIRE GRACE.
One more question to Mother God. Why is it symbolized that my lawyer friend has this trust fund? What meaning is that?
MG: That has something to do with ‘the law’ or legally he cannot get this Grace, all about karma. Karma is order & justice, you reap what you sow, you cannot get what you don’t deserve you will not be punished outside of justice – there is order to everything in God’s world. The money is value, benefits or blessings. {End Chapter 9}
College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
Marvin Gaye & Me Pt 2
MARVIN GAYE & ME Pt 2
2-2-22 The next day: DREAM / VISION – This was so uncomfortable – I had
forgotten Marvin’s statement he would reveal where he was to me in a
dream. I start dreaming like so:
I’m in a large room with a super-high ceiling. It’s about 25’ across & quite deep, the ceiling is maybe 20’. It has no windows & I have a frightening sensation there is no way out. So I saw Hell only once before & it is frightening, the other vision was way worse than this, I dread to think of it. But this seemed a ‘no escape’ place, a place of total limitation like that, so I was scared to be there.
In the middle of the room is a stack of boxes intermixed with papers, litter, nothing is organized, it is unkempt like a garbage dump or a room abandoned long ago, junk strewn everywhere, dust & debri, but it’s mostly boxes filled with things – some of them are dull pink - & papers everywhere of all hues, maybe white, light blue, nothing is bright or clean or neat, all is disorder.
I can’t wait to get out of here & I move out quickly, not knowing why am I here? God please don’t let this be my state.
MEANING: This is the spiritual state of Marvin Gaye – where he is now. Is it Hell or Purgatory?
I can’t tell off hand, but it’s one or the other. Hell is a place like this, but usually way worse, like so ugly you feel torture. This is not as bad as that but it could be Purgatory – I hope.
Purgatory is always a place of limitation, like you cannot see eternity or a huge limitless sky. When you see a sky there, it’s like the sky is limited, it somehow comes to an end, it’s an atmosphere that stops somewhere up there.
When I bilocated to Purgatory to see my Dad, he was in a cave, lying on a stone slab, no windows, limited, but he was not miserable. I was the only person who had reached / contacted him. The Grace of God lifted him up shortly after my visit.
When I first saw my husband, Stanley Everts, he was on a throne of flames like the LincolnMonument, his arms on the arm rests, in great torture, crying out – demanding that I helped so many – I should help him. Every time I started praying I would forget, & God told me because he was in ‘Hell.’
But what is Hell & what is Purgatory? The Catholic Church says there is no way out of Hell, like Dante’s ‘Divine Comedy,’ the sign prior to Hell says ‘Abandon Hope – all Ye Who Enter Here.’
However, over the years, his state improved. I saw it, but he still unjustly hated me for thirty years – & I said to God not to show me him any more.
Then, fifty five years after his death, I said to God OK, you can show me him again. That act was apparently charity, & through it, he rose up to Heaven that very day.
This is proof that a person in Purgatory can be in a Hellish state, but not Hell - & it makes me wonder, is Hell automatically forever, or is it just the lowest sufferings in Purgatory, which can last as long as ‘till the end of the world.’ Maria Simma says she ministered to Souls that had been there for HUNDREDS OF YEARS – some of them Popes!
The condition of this room I am in – which represents where Marvin is – reminds me of the rooms in the great movie:
“Winner of both the Academy Award for best foreign-language film and the Cannes Film Festival’s Palme d’Or, Marcel Camus’ Black Orpheus (Orfeu negro) brings the ancient Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice to the twentieth-century madness of Carnival in Rio de Janeiro.”
There is a scene in the movie where Orpheus is trying to find Eurydice, of a room that houses all the papers of MISSING PERSONS & there are MILLIONS, so many papers they are strewn from floor to ceiling, they even fall out & are blown here & there. It’s a feeling of ‘lost forever’ – no hope – This reminds me of that, only it’s filthy & ugly.
I’m going to assume this is Marvin’s Purgatory, that he can get out – in time – & especially if someone helps him, maybe me.
The lack of windows is lack of opportunity, lack of doors also, to get out – Lack of VISION. And what is vision? Vision is OUR STATE, wherever we are, either one which is closed down, shut up, no escape, like Hell, or a temporary state like that, but still, if someone helps, they can get out – if no one helps they might be there for hundreds of years or even the end of the world.
How can I explain vision or lack of it? Vision OPENS UP OUR SOUL to that which is GOOD & that which is ETERNAL, MEANINGFUL & JOYFUL. When I saw God Face to Face the second time, I looked at the horizon & instead of seeing the end of it, it opened up more & more to my vision, it was a miracle. This is INFINITY.
Consider when something wonderful has happened to you, like someone you love you discover loves you? Or you get an offer for the most perfect job on earth, or a book gets published by a large company you’ve been trying to sell for years, or you get your first starring role in a major movie, or you win the lottery or some great boon or blessing. You are then all fired up & the world seems BEAUTIFUL & you’re filled with hope, joy, inspiration, you think you can do anything – you’re so happy. That’s when the windows & doors to happiness have opened up, but the opposite, they are all closed down, no joy, no love, nothing to look forward to – a void, an emptiness – in Hell, even hate & other monstrous emotions prevail. {I feel no hate or other cruel emotions here & that confirms my sense this is Purgatory, not Hell. But of course, there are those in Purgatory being cleanse of such emotions, example, my husband Stanley.}
And so I am seeing the lack of joy & vision of Marvin’s state.
What are the boxes & papers? It reminded me as I said of the files of millions of ‘missing persons’ – in a place they will never be found. I will need help. Mother God, give me a hand on this.
MG {Mother God, NOT Marvin Gaye}: There is a dead space here, nothing alive, green, living, all deadness. Boxes are filled with such dead matter; dead papers are fallen here & there. No life whatsoever, no greenery, no fruit, no food no drink – nothing.
This indicates the inner state of Marvin when he died was devoid of spiritual life. But let’s hope he can be helped – say the Holy Mass for him today, we can only hope. Maybe the Gregorian Masses if we see a spark. I believe we will have results. Can the dead come to life? Let’s find out, sometimes no, sometimes yes. Indeed there are those who were comatose, even declared dead, who lived once again.
The boxes of huge bunches of papery trash & other papers are what? Some of the boxes dull pink, all kinds of dull colors. This is his life, going from woman to woman {pink} & hit to hit. Nothing touched his soul, it’s ‘just on paper’ like a marriage can be ‘just on paper’ meaning there’s no intimacy, it’s a dead marriage. Or a Priest is a Priest legally, ‘just on paper’ but his heart isn’t in it – he has not given himself to God, he’s just a shell of a Priest, or a minister like Marvin’s Dad, no life of Christ within him, he’s empty, he shows no love.
If & when a Soul is filled with Grace you see LIFE. When you saw Saint John Paul II in Heaven {the day he died!} you saw him as a boy in the woods & fields & hills, where he was happiest – a beautiful setting like the Elf Boy with a feather in his cap, wearing old-fashioned tights & soft pointed moccasins, in a Maxfield Parrish painting. This is nature, which is life. When you saw God Face to Face, both times, there were no buildings or people, it was SUPERATURAL NATURE with a great deal of WATER – First it was a ton a second of GUSHING WATER exploding from a Mountain – rushing down to a deep canyon as you looked from a balcony. There was snow – you touched it on the banister – you had physical sensations. This water represented the Grace of God exploding from the Source before your eyes & it went from a great height to a great depth – your soul OPENING UP TO GRACE, exploding into the Energy / Life / Presence of God.
The second time you entered a SUPERNATURAL WOODS OF ALL COLORS & when you cleared the woods, no beach, the INFINITE OCEAN OF GOLDEN LOVE opened up before you & You were It & It was You – It was God – You were God – You were ONE. You had REACHED GOD SAW God Face to Face, as She is, Her Infinite Nature.
Now the ABSENCE OF GOD is the opposite of all that. No nature, no life, limitation, a shut down, a death. This is where Marvin was & why he wanted to end it, because life was no longer in him & it was unbearable to live in such a state.
ME: When I got to his section & was gong to write about it, I stalled. I could not get to it for like two weeks, usually the most I get stuck is days, but I just couldn’t face his chapter. Is that because I sensed his awful state & was slow to face it? And now that I know where he is, can he be helped?
MG: It is likely you felt his state & I believe you can help him & after you say the Holy Mass you will know.
ME: OK – Channeling Marvin Gaye again. Do you look forward to my saying the Holy Mass for you?
MARVIN: Oh yes indeed, bring me the Grace of God, Her love & yours. I look forward to it. Thank you & Amen.
ME: Will do. Feel peace, I am with you – Nourishment coming soon, the Body & Blood of Our Blessed Lord & His Holy Mother. Over & out for now.
{end Amendment Chapter 9} End Chapter 9}
College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
Marvin Gaye & I
Chapter 9 Marvin Gaye & I
written 2-1-22
I wish I could remember how I met him or what got me into his hotel room with the club below where he was performing.
There isn’t much to tell & I debated whether to even include him as nothing much happened. But then again, how many women met Marvin Gaye – one of the top stars of his time – & had him masturbate because of her, in front of her, in his room? That’s all there was.
Why I met him is I wanted to meet every back star that came into town. Yes, I started an affair with James Brown but he wasn’t treating me right, I was heartbroken & thought maybe there was another star like him I could succeed with. So by meeting them, I was trying them out {except nothing came of it as you’ll see.}
So I’m here in this room with him, he asks to have sex, I say no, then he says he’ll masturbate looking at me, I don’t object.
I was not nude nor did I show him any part of my body. He sat on the bed, I was in a chair across the room at a desk, just looking at him.
Then comes a knock at the door & a voice I recognize- one of the attendants of James Brown {not a fake or hanger on, a real person working} calls my name & says,
“Your boyfriend’s out there”
Meaning James Brown – can’t recall if he said his name but both Marvin & I knew it was him & both of us jumped to it, like he had to get ready for his show which would be witnessed by the Godfather of Soul, I had to skedaddle before James got insulted – maybe he’d want to see me! And I recall being embarrassed that James associate knew I was there with Marvin – he probably told him & James might think wrongly of me.
OK now what was Marvin like? I was only there with him like an hour but that’s enough to get a person’s vibes. He was not a happy camper it seemed to me, & lacked the ‘joy of living’. Was he depressed? Not sure, as I didn’t know his personality & what to compare his vibes to, like people are sometimes ‘up’ or ‘down’ & you have to know them to know the difference, but he was not vivacious, more ‘down’ than ‘upbeat’ in personality. One of the black guys told me,
‘Marvin is afraid of crowds,’
meaning the audience, a large crowd.
And I did see him perform when I went downstairs – a sprawling place, & his personality was laid back as he sang, with James brown front row center with his wife!
Later, many of us would go to this ‘soul food’ place after shows – I somehow knew James would be there, so I went, & popped myself at a table across from him & stared at him incessantly to show I was mad he was with another female {even though it was his wife so this was stupid}. He outsmarted me. He told his attendant to speak to me, for me to go home & he would call me, so I did, & of course he never called, just sucker punched me to get rid of the nuisance.
So back to Marvin because I was always curious about what happened between him & his Dad – why he got killed by him, & read this in Wikipedia. I think this might warrant some channeling:
Marvin Gaye April 2, 1939 – April 1, 1984) was an American singer and songwriter. He helped to shape the sound of Motown in the 1960s, first as an in-house session player and later as a solo artist with a string of hits, earning him the nicknames “Prince of Motown” and “Prince of Soul”.
Gaye’s Motown hits include “Ain’t That Peculiar“, “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)“, and “I Heard It Through the Grapevine“
ME: From Wikipedia on his father – Marvin Gay Sr.:
April 1, 1984: At approximately 12:38 p.m. (PST), minutes after returning to his own bedroom, Gay Sr. came back to his son’s bedroom with the .38 pistol and shot him. The bullet penetrated Marvin’s vital organs, including his heart. Gay Sr. then walked forward and shot him a second time in the shoulder at point-blank range.
According to Gay’s sister, Jeanne, he was someone who never “spared the rod, he was very, very strict” in reference to the saying “spare the rod, spoil the child”. Gay also would question his children on Biblical passages, administering beatings if they answered wrong. All four of Gay’s children had problems with bed wetting, which led to more beatings.
Gay administered most of his harshest punishments on Marvin Jr. According to Marvin’s sister, Jeanne, from the age of seven well into his teenage years, Marvin’s life consisted of “brutal whippings” since Gay Sr. would strike him for any shortcoming, including putting his hair brush in the wrong place or coming home from school a minute late. Marvin would state later, “living with Father was like living with a king, an all-cruel, changeable, cruel and all-powerful king”. He further stated to David Ritz, “if it wasn’t for Mother, who was always there to console me and praise me for my singing, I think I would have been one of those child suicides you read about in the papers.” Alberta Gay later stated that her husband hated Marvin, {emphasis Rasa’s} as she told David Ritz in 1979:
My husband never wanted Marvin, and he never liked him. He used to say he didn’t think he was really his child. I told him that was nonsense. He knew Marvin was his. But for some reason, he didn’t love Marvin, and what’s worse, he didn’t want me to love Marvin either. Marvin wasn’t very old before he understood that. {Emphasis Rasa’s}
Rasa says: The singer gave his Dad the gun for Xmas!
On Christmas Day 1983 Marvin gave his father an unregistered .38 caliber Smith & Wesson pistol to protect him from intruders and murderers after the younger Gaye, heavily addicted to cocaine, felt someone was seriously plotting to kill him.
From the Wikipedia article – The Killing of Marvin Gaye:
On Christmas Day, 1983, Marvin gave his father a Smith & Wesson .38 Special pistol so that he could protect himself from intruders. Friends and family members contended that the younger Marvin was often suicidal and paranoid, and by now was afraid of leaving his room and spoke of little besides suicide and death. He sometimes wore three overcoats and put his shoes on the wrong feet.Four days before his death, according to his sister Jeanne, Gaye had tried to kill himself by jumping out of a speeding sports car, suffering only minor bruises.Jeanne contended that “there was no doubt Marvin wanted to die” and that he “couldn’t take any more.” {emphasis Rasa’s}
It is believed by Gaye’s siblings that his death was a “premeditated suicide“. Jeanne later said that upon forcing his father’s hand in the murder that he had “accomplished three things. He put himself out of his misery. He brought relief to Mother by finally getting her husband out of her life. And he punished Father, by making certain that the rest of his life would be miserable… my brother knew just what he was doing.”
Rasa says: It explains that they had a verbal & physical fight before the shooting – Marvin Jr. kicked his Dad many times, the Dad had said publicly that if any of his children ever laid hands on him, he’d kill them.
About the brother: Frankie ran to the house and carefully walked into the hallway to his brother’s room, not knowing if Marvin Sr. still had the gun, whether he was still in the room, or if his brother was dead. After walking into Gaye’s bedroom, an emotional Frankie held him as Gaye bled rapidly. Frankie alleges that Marvin, barely speaking above a whisper, told him, “I got what I wanted… I couldn’t do it myself, so I had him do it… it’s good, I ran my race, there’s no more left in me.”
I, Rasa, channel Marvin Gaye: {Channeling is mind reading. There is no effort on his part, only mine. I am gifted with this ability partly because I worked at it much of my life & I also it’s a Gift from the Holy Spirit. It’s like my Ministry to Purgatory. Yes, I worked at it hard for years, but God stepped in & gifted me with the ability to reach them & help. God often gives us gifts when we work hard to obtain them. I also struggled to become celibate for years then one day the Holy Virgin appeared to me & asked me to take the vow. God helps us when we work on something.}
ME: Marvin, what was wrong? According to this you had mental / emotional problems that were so deep you wanted to kill yourself. Was it all due to your Father?
MG {Marvin Gaye}: So I’m to be a chapter in your book? I’m glad I met you.
Yes, it was mostly – 99% due to my father. Like it said, all four of his kids wet the beds, but I was the target of his most harsh punishments. He hated me & he made me hate myself – made me feel unworthy. You understand abuse.
ME: Knowing your ad was so evil & crazy, why did you buy him the gun?
MG: During the last part of my life, I wanted to die, but I couldn’t kill myself, & as they explain, it was my way of having myself killed.
ME: Did you have nothing to live for? Did you not find your wife & children a reason to be? – Your career such a great success? Your Mom who loved you? What about God? How could you feel so low you wanted to die either by your own hand or someone else’s?
MG: No, all that was around me – career – the women who loved me, children, that was all outside. But inside I was empty, like a vacuum. I felt no love, only emptiness. The drugs kept me going for a while. But the drugs eventually weren’t working, as you know, people with mental problems, their depression & thoughts of suicide return after a while, drugs only mask the true feelings. Inside my Dad had already murdered me from a young age – psychologically – like your Mother did you.
But unlike myself, you forgave your Mother & even prayed for her not to go to Hell whereas I took revenge, I gave into the hate. I hated myself, then like the Wikipedia says, I let my Dad be the hand that killed me & his life would be tainted from then on. I also liberated Mom from him, the woman who kept me from killing myself as a child.
ME: I know from my wisdom of understanding God & spirituality, that what love of God is parallels love of Oneself. We & God are One, God is within us. In loving god we learn to love ourself. These items are INSEPERABLE. And so, you had the love in you extinguished & in its place was hate. As far as I know, you did not show your hate aggressively, it stayed internal. People who keep hate inside them become depressed. You were depressed.
MG: You got that all right. I was depressed from childhood, when my Dad hated me. I did not forgive him. I was angry at him. But I never expressed my anger until the very end, when I chose to forcefully fight with him & even kick him again & again, knowing it would invoke his insanity. It was my death blow to myself.
ME: OK so you were depressed because you held your anger in. I have a friend who is clinically depressed. I told her & her husband that’s its anger from childhood. She has to face that anger, release it and express it. But she isn’t doing that, so she has been her entire lifetime, on & off clinically depressed, seeing psychiatrists & taking all types of medication. She & her husband do not deal with it as I suggested, facing what was done to her by her Dad – it was abuse – which she has bottled up – & release her hate & anger against him. She will probably go to her grave in this condition. So that was your condition? How on earth did your talent & creativity flourish?
MG: They flourished by an automatic system, like your heart beating, your glands working. But then, when life got harder like getting kind of older, & the juices through my body were not running as fast, I was losing the blush of youth & life was harder, then it overwhelmed me. I couldn’t take it any more, just like the article says.
ME: Wow, do you have any advice for those in your condition? There are many.
MG: Listen to Rasa, don’t do as I did. Face your hatred, your anger, let it out. Face yourself, what is in you. Meditate, pray. The world & its glories will not save you. Look at me; I succeeded only to kill myself. ‘What profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul, for what will he exchange for his soul?’ I had the whole world but losing my soul, I was spiritually dead. I needed to work on my soul, to gain eternal life, love & happiness. I did not do that. I did not listen to the Words of God because my Dad represented God – as a minister – & God hated me, so it seemed. I did not understand God, even though Mom loved me, his hate was so strong, so cruel that he overrode Mom’s love.
I suppose since Mom saw what he was doing she should have left him & saved us kids from her. But instead, she got a job as a domestic to keep the family running. A mother should not allow a man to do this to her children, but she felt trapped. She did not have the strength to leave, she could have, but she didn’t. There’s a chance that could have saved me. So they were both guilty – he for being cruel, she for not leaving him, taking us away from him. Where there’s a will there’s a way – she could have done it.
ME: Were you angry then also at your Mom?
MG: Indeed, I could never admit that. But what I just said holds true. She did to me what your Dad did to you. Your Dad left you to your Mom knowing you were being abused, he didn’t save you or even interview you about it – no one of the elders helped you. But God helped you because you were strong & had a good upbringing as far as religion & you took religion to heart, following the path of Jesus Christ. So you were saved.
ME: What a sad testimony on your life. I mean what do all those songs mean when you had self hate, how could they bring comfort to your fans now? – If they know what you felt & went through. You were such a great artist, such a wonderful musician, & you were dead inside. It breaks my heart to think of it.
I will probably not know where you are unless it’s revealed to me. I notice that it is difficult for me to discern. Sometimes souls do appear to me to get help from Purgatory & I see them ascend. Very rarely – only twice – I have had visions of the living, God showing me they were destined for Hell – I could not help them. But I cannot tell where you are. I hope it’s in Heaven or if not yet there, Purgatory.
MG: I will reveal it to you in a dream tonight.
ME: Alright Marvin, over & out for now. {End channeling…End Chapter 9}
College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
50 Souls lifted with Rev King!
We get FIFTY SOULS up on Rev King’s Day!
1-17-22 This is about Rev. Martin Luther King Jr – it’s his feast day! See
two other dreams below, both include Purgtory issues, one about my Lover
I’m recalling this from yesterday. I go to an old haunt – the ‘Italian American Civil Rights League’ where I used to work. As I enter, I’m not a member of their club or clan, but I have permission to be here & I have been given – don’t know by whom – an apt below this level, which has an entrance in the far corner of this room – it’s just big enough for a person to lower themselves in & I suppose there’s a staircase or ladder. Once you go in the place it’s a nice apt, but I don’t actually see myself going in.
*** {Apt I am given below, although I’m not a member of this org or club: This is my ability to enter Purgatory, which is a level below – given me by God.
Looking for my wardrobe is looking for my lights or Anointings, {which are tools} which it seems some other workers have stolen. This might not be as bad as it sounds, I have a suspicious this is about a Great friend of Mine, Rev King, whose day this is. I’ve had a couple Souls in Heaven work with me before as partners – I recall Errol Flynn got his last wife & last girl friend – Beverly Aadland – into Heaven in partnership with me.
This is a great revelation I did not see before until this moment. Here the Rev. King is in the next room – my Anointings symbolically are missing which means they are being used or someone else is performing with them. They are silver & gold, which are lights of great love. {see below} We shall see what happens.
The men who are here on this level might be Purgatorial Souls as they are super ugly. To put it in other words, I am in Purgatory – there are various levels. I did not enter my spot on the lower level, I’m on this one, whatever it is. A couple guy here are not ready apparently to ascend, their souls are not clean enough, so they are ugly.} ***
I am somehow concerned with the light grey standing wardrobe in this room which had my costumes for dancing – I’m supposed to perform. But the costumes are gone, all but one, the one left is a plain black low cut mini dress. {Symbol of funeral, Purgatory} The one I have at home has rhinestone strips but can’t recall if this one does. The dresses that are missing are glamorous, like maybe one all silver lame & the other gold – full length with see through robes – & I tell the men sitting here someone has stolen my costumes!
I look at the men & tell them it isn’t them, it’s gotta’ be the other dancers, who are also booked to perform here. This is EXTREMELY UPSETTING.
The two men I look at here against the wall on a sort of day bed are grotesque in ugliness. There’s a sense of yellowy skin & Afro frizzy long hair piled not hanging, but standing on their heads, both different but similar, they are like runts in their bodies, just ugly as can be.
Then I’m sitting on some sort of day bed in the middle of this room & there are two males to my left & they are bowing to their knees, because a personage in the next room is going to walk past here on his way out.
I ask them who the person is & a guy says,
“They got the GOVERNOR to come out here!”
Wow, I think, & I also bow in anticipation of honoring him.
How did this little place ever get the governor to come out here? I look in the next room & see even though it’s not a big place, they did their best. They set up two huge banquet tables with all kinds of food I believe, each table can sit maybe 25 people – so in this medium room they got about 50 really serious people to honor & fete him, so that it was worth it for him to come out. In other words, it’s not quantity but quality of people honoring him.
*** {This is REMARKABLE & thank God I decided to type this out today as when I dreamed it yesterday I didn’t have a clue what it was about & this is wonderful beyond words.
The governor is Rev King. He is here in Purgatory & so am I, although we’re in separate rooms. I’m in one room with a couple souls not ready to go up, another 2 persons, maybe souls, are sitting to my left bowing in anticipation of his coming by.
I’m asking how on earth did you get such a big person to come down to Purgatory?
And then I see what it is. Two banquet tables are the Love Feast or Holy Mass as well as acts of love, prayers, that were transmitted to the Souls. Rev. King USED MY ANOINTINGS – to partner with me in SETTING FREE THESE SOULS or having them rise up into Heaven.
According to this it seems like we got a good number, 50 or more souls, to rise up into Heaven in honor of his Feast Day! Wow
These are special clients of Dr King – his not mine – that’s why I’m not in the banquet room but I can see it. These are people who loved him or were dedicated to him! I am so thrilled!} ***
He’s at the farther table his back to the wall, & wow, is his face hideous. Not only that, it has a fresh BULLET through his head.
His face looks like that guy who was attacked by two runaway chimpanzees. They bit everything off his face – his nose, ears. They bite off anything that sticks out. And the guy’s face was all swelled up, you could hardly see his features. But the governors face is so swelled it’s even worse than that guy, it’s really swelled to 3 times, like sausages of flesh under his eyes, here & there, all these sausages of swelled flesh & that bullet hole. He’s talking to people.
*** {His appearance: This bespeaks of his terrible sufferings & final martyrdom. His face destroyed, grotesque, is the calumny, insults, cruelty poured out upon him – his face is his identity – they are smearing his reputation or who he is. The wicked humans who did this were subhuman, like some chimpanzees. The bullet is of course the bullet he took.
From Wikipedia: “The bullet entered through his right cheek, smashing his jaw,” – I never knew where the bullet/bullets entered his body & just now, a day after the dream, I looked at Wikipedia & find it was exactly as I saw it in the dream – in his cheek.} ***
I am bowing then waiting for him to exit but he doesn’t come by. I look at the room & he & most people are gone. {Could be the few people still there might be the Guardian Angels of these people, who remain with them in Purgatory, but when they ascend, the job of the angels is over.}
“Oh,” I said, “He went out the other exit.”
I see another plain door going from that room he was in.
*** {Room is empty – he exited out another door, his room, not the one I’m in. The Souls he ministered to her, in partnership with me, exited Purgatory into Heaven! Hallelujah!} ***
1-18-22-Dreams: He Needs Me Bad – I Win in the end – Saint Martin Luther King Fete!
I’m on the street at night standing next to a male dressed in black. His jacket looks like vinyl, loose, not tight, & a bit later I see it sticking out or buckling in the middle of his torso. It’s a casual jacket with zipper, thick, might have some kind of winter lining.
*** {Man in black: I already know from a quick view of this dream this is my Beloved Bob. He is in the deepest depression re me! It can’t get any worse than black. Seeing it buckling or sticking out from his torso later indicates the heart so he’s broken hearted at us not being together.} ***
I know this person but I have ignored him. He’s never asked me for anything, but this time he asks me to buy him a beer. He seems needy like, forlorn, not expecting me to pay attention to him or give him anything. He thinks I’m a busy/popular lady & I go to the bars having fun but I ignore him because he’s not worthy. This is the FIRST TIME HE REACHES OUT TO ME. I’m not sure if I find a beer some place & give him it but then he adds that it would be nice if in my busy schedule I could take him to the bar & buy him one or more beers there. Its closing time, not much time left, maybe half an hour, so there won’t be much drinking.
*** {Buy him a beer or beers. First time he ever asked me for anything. The beer or alcohol represents inebriation or a feel good state. He’s asking me to make him feel good. The fact that he never asked me for anything before is because he never had to. It was always there & he took it for granted. Now he no longer takes it for granted. He realizes he has to do something to get back my love – or more precisely, to see a demonstration of my love which is affection & sex!
Real life: Because of this dream I checked his social media – which I’ve not checked in a week. He wrote a poem that had some telling statements like so:
“Make amends – better late than ever”
“Where you been?”
“Suicide for the things I did”
“Trying to get in touch with you” me: {you have my # asshole}
“You been with everybody” me: {You’re imagining things, it’s in your mind, not mine. I’ve been writing books. Haven’t been out in two years!}
“I’ve got love four ya” me: {all it takes is repentance & make things right. Not just write poems, do something. I’m not chasing you any more.}
“You play in the dark” me: {You imagine things. What I do is on my sites & Amazon books.}
me: This can’t be about his live-in female, it’s about someone who isn’t there. She’s right there with him, he’s calling out to someone that’s missing. Wanting to see her. Thinking she’s with other men, thinking of regret over how he’s been, etc. Saying he loves her. So it’s about a female he loves, not his live in. Unless it’s someone else besides his female, it’s me, but if you look at my dreams as evidence, it’s me. Mother God, add something:
MG: Alright, it’s a beginning. He’s getting there slowly but surely. What will it take, emotional dynamite? He can’t get any more depressed this says. So get out of your depression by taking a chance, call the lady you love, try to make amends. Talk to her, not social media.
You still have that fake wife. You have to do something about this – can’t have it both ways. Not like it used to be.} *** {End real life part & channeling}
Before I take one more step I see he’s holding a MUSICAL INSTRUMENT – of what kind, I don’t know. It’s large like a guitar, but it is in the form of a dull goldeny color, the surface worn here & there, underneath a hint of BLUE, & it’s a METAL FOLDING CHAIR that he’s holding folded up.
*** {Musical instrument, folding chair, large: Is his penis. He wants to make music or make love with me. Music sets a mood, a feeling, puts a person into a vibe. A chair is a position or seat. It’s a place he’s been occupying or a position he had with me as lover. But now it’s folded up or ended. I see blue where it’s worn out – this is sadness. Goldeny, now dull, is the love that was there.} ***
It seems, without words, he’s asked me to stay at my apt for the night – which I share with another lady & a male – & for some reason he wants me to take his instrument there first & park it, then later we go there. Perhaps he didn’t want to take it into the bar, I don’t dwell on that.
*** {Take it to my apt, he wants to spend the night there: It all happened in my apt – He’s asking to be with me again & make love. It’s all he thinks about as far as our relationship but I can no longer do this, in real life, unless we have a genuine, total relationship. He’s longing for our togetherness.
Who is the male & female I’m sharing this apt with? There are no humans living with me – the persons I relate to the most are Jesus & Holy Mary, so it must be them. I am in an exquisite relationship with them right now, saying many prayers & celebrating Holy Communion every day. And this apt is my wonderful present state of consciousness.
My Mom being missing is strange – that would be Mother God within me. This might be saying that when I defer to Jesus & Mary in constant worship I am in their consciousness rather than my own private ‘me & my God’ personal state.
It seems amusing that Jesus is concerned in this dream about Bob – like maybe He’s worried about falling down to his level again? But Holy Mary is not concerned, she knows everything is alright, I won’t fall down again.
Myself wondering where to put him in my apt or consciousness? Somewhere more remote from a higher or lower place? Across from my God Self? In the end I opt for a room fairly intimate, as we share the same rest room. I was afraid it might be too close, but I’m taking that chance. What does this mean? I accept him because he’s reached out to me for th first time – into a fairly intimate state. Not 100%, which would be the same room, but close.
The empty bedrooms in this apt being so cozy, so private, so comfortable & delightful, is the spiritual state I am in & offering to share with my Beloved.} ***
As we walk toward the bar area, where we’ll stop at the corner & the bar is to the right {everything is blackish around us, no colors of any kind anywhere, a feeling of the streets or buildings glistening from a rain}
*** {the rain, everything black: His state, crying tears & depression.} ***
– my apt is across the street – a thin man stops us. He’s an enemy of this guy & he wants to DISCOURAGE ME from being nice to him. He says something negative, then he disappears like walking through the door & wall to the right. His clothing is he has on a fitted leather jacket that is sort of RUST with some kind of pink hue seeming to radiate from underneath the hem of it, the pants are maybe a dull mustard – it’s vague, but they’re not black, just a dull but matching color. The feeling is he’s dressed like a ‘dandy’ but I tell the young guy,
“He’s YOUR ENEMY.”
*** {‘dandy’ guy: The demonic trying to stop me from loving Bob, perhaps reminding me when Bob was a Casanova the time we were together. He’s anti-Christ, anti forgiveness, & the fact that he goes through walls means he’s spiritual, not a living person. He’s reminding me of the women Bob teased me with like talking to them, giving them his phone & asking them to call him while with me, he refused to give his phone. Things like that which were cruel made me feel great pain – rust is when things get old – he’s reminding me fo the past. The pink hue is vagina. But this is today, not then. I’m not going to hold on to yesterday’s pain when there’s repentance on his part. It’s a temptation.} ***
I then want to immediately attend to putting the guy’s instrument into my apt & prepare him to be there the night. I see there is my apt, then one beneath it & above it. Where shall I put him? At first I was going to put him in one of the other apts, but then I reconsider & think my place is so huge, has so many beds, it’s wonderful, so why not let him be here? {At least 6 bedrooms}
To the left of this extended apt I see my male roommate who is kind of hovering as if in the air observing me, concerned. Past him is my Mom’s room – who’s absent right now visiting somewhere. Across from her room is a wonderful out-of-the-way bedroom. These bedrooms tucked away in corners are so neat. The beds are low, they are double & have thick rumpled comforters in nice colors & prints. They are totally private, out of the way, like you could be there & no one notices you. But I decide not to put him in this room & look to the opposite side.
On the opposite side is an almost identical room & what’s different is that here its right by the bathroom I would also use. It kind of makes him closer to my protection. It seems I was so distant to this guy but suddenly I changed into this – because he reached out to me I guess. The lady who shares this place is approx in the middle of the apt in front of me – having this other guy here doesn’t catch her attention. I don’t see any more after this.
MEANING: This dream is about his repentance & reaching out to me, & my acceptance, putting him into a good place in my consciousness.
1-17-22—Casanova betrays me but I win in the end
This was yesterday – let’s see how well I remember.
There’s a tall, attractive young man I’m talking to who I tell,
“I can make you a star….there are ways….but you must cooperate.”
I’m not sure I really want to go to the trouble of all the work it takes to make a person famous, I’m considering it. Perhaps I’m waiting for his reaction to see if he’ll cooperate or appreciate it, but nothing is forthcoming. He’s neutral, like he thinks,
“OK, maybe she can or can’t. But I’m not going to do anything about it”
& he doesn’t. So he fails that test.
Next we’re out in the street, & its daylight, a nice day – a broad horizon. He’s wearing a white t shirt & white Bermuda shorts & carrying a basketball.
*** {Handsome guy I make an offer to but he fails to cooperate. Then he’s in the streets with a ball: This reviews how Bob & I were long ago, when I hoped to help him in a career, but he did nothing to help himself or work with me to help him so it failed.
Instead he worked the streets ‘playing’ or ‘balling.} ***
He meets one young lady who wants him because of his looks, then another. I see like two separate incidents. Each time he passes the ball to a male friend & goes to make love – the second time not one but two females want him, he passes the ball again to a male friend & goes to make love to them.
The next scene I am talking to him & his skin is darker than before. He’s still wearing white, sitting down leaning forward & listening to me. I explain to him I don’t judge him about the two females because I’ve done it with two males. In fact, last time I had two guys in tow – college age – I was so drunk I fell hard & dislocated my hip – & now my dancing days are over, etc….What I didn’t like was another item but I’m not sure what. Was it passing the ball, being deceptive?
*** {Passing the ball: Not sure what this means but I’m guessing if the ball is balling, he’s lying about the sex he did – says another guy did it, does this twice – being deceptive, as if another guy did the balling, not him.} ***
In the next scene there is something like this: I have a boyfriend, but I’m also interested in the guy mentioned but don’t want him to know, & he’s hanging out at this apt that I now visit. The one I am visiting suspects me of having another boyfriend but he isn’t sure.
*** {The guy I desire plus I have another boyfriend: Is one & the same guy. He suspects, imagines I have another one & I let him think what he wants. This is part of the ‘game of love’ because he’s playing games, so was I.} ***
To get into this place there’s a window higher up & a landing in front of it, covered with some cups & glasses. I have to go on all fours over this white partition & enter the apt, & there I sit down with a lady friend to my left. The guy I desire is sitting left, there’s a few of the local hoods hanging here – 6 or 7. I might add the apt is rather sparse, not like it was before.
I sit there smiling, then say that I must go see what my bf Mike has to say & I exit. When I go to the street I stand in front of a bar or some place but he’s nowhere around.
I return to the apt & at some point I’m telling this guy how even though I can’t dance any more I am flexible as anything. To prove it I stand up & hoist one of my legs up to the ceiling.
As I do so, to my surprise there’s an audience of both males & females, we are IN A NEW PLACE & all these people APPLAUD WARMLY. I’m so pleased I do it again with the other leg, everyone again applauds warmly & I see a female in particular smiling at me. She’s wearing blue, is middle aged. All these people are good people, not like the guy I’m infatuated with & his crowd. Then I decide to go all out & I dance gracefully & beautifully & move down the room like I’m center stage, floor level, & there are more people surrounding the room farther down, all sitting. I dance & even arise into the air & completely go around in the air & land softly on my feet & the music hits a crescendo – mellow music – & I stop with a perfect step to the end & everyone applauds.
I was wearing a top that was very loose on the bottom – it’s translucent & you can see my body through it, the rest of it is translucent also & I’m not sure what kind of shoes I have on, maybe heels. But it seems it wasn’t only my dancing, it was my body they could see as the light shined through my outfit & I have a perfect body. The scene with the guys just evaporates.
*** {The new place: I’m no longer in the old consciousness where I was hanging out downtown as a Cougar, obsessed/in crazy love with Bob. I am now keeping to myself, celibate, writing my life story & ministering to Souls in Purgatory.
This is a place where I am greatly appreciated. People are applauding. They could be those who read my articles about Purgatory, & the Holy Souls themselves, which is totally different than the Purgatory Bob & the people downtown put me into. It’s the difference between being miserable, being abused, &being loved – Hell vs Heaven.
My outfit being see through & they seem to be amazed at my body {they see the breasts especially which is love} as much as the dance, represents my spiritual state as well as ‘performing’ or acting out rituals of love, like the Holy Mass & praying. Possibly the spot where I rise into the air & go around in it without touching the ground is the Holy Mass or Martyrdom – that act of Our Lord being the most difficult, & I recreate it.} ***
College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized
Escape Torture 4 Prosperity & Paradise
Chapter 7 Grandma – Germany –
Escape Torture, Embrace Prosperity & Paradise written 1/16/22
When we moved to Middletown I was 15; there were 4 bedrooms. Instead of giving me my own room, which anyone would desire, Mom kept one room EMPTY rather than let me have it. Situated in between her room & mine, it was as plain as could be & unless the door was closed you could see into it from the middle floor {split level house had 3 levels} so it wasn’t a great room, but it was a room.
Her excuse why I could not have it, shoved into a bunk bed with an 8 yr old? It was ‘for Grandma’ she said. How often did Grandma stay with us? Twice in my lifetime for a month.
Upon her visit to Middletown, occupying that precious room, she sort of ‘cracked up’ almost crying & said she could not stand how Mom & I were & demanded a reconciliation, & forced us to face one another give a hug & tell us we loved one another.
For me the touch of Mommy Fearest was an ordeal. How would you like to hug someone you know hates you & wants you dead?
We both went through the motions – Mom had to obey her Mom, me—what else could I do?
But did it help? Was it what was needed? Of course not.
What was needed was for Grandma to check into the situation, ask some questions & see why the cold silence. Why would two people not speak to each other?
And so, Grandma was looking at the surface of things – that we were silent. But she pulled the same stunt the rest of the adults did – ignore the elephant in the room. As I explained before, I had a Dad who supposedly loved me, who was deserted. I begged to live with him since age 10 – I said I felt suicidal – but he insisted I had to stay with Mom. It’s a long story told elsewhere. There was Auntie Ara, Mom’s sister, who could have figuredwhat was what, but she sided with Mom. And my Uncle, who knew the truth, only once in our lifetime said one sentence to support me, that Mom did not do right by me, but nothing else to anyone else. So no one – not one human in my life – alleviated her abuse, some added to it. {That includes counselors at school she fooled, & I had no way of defending myself, I simply could not articulate the situation.}
I shall channel, first my Mother God. What was the rhyme or reason behind Grandma’s forced reconciliation?
MG: {Mother God} You were ‘at war’ with your Mother, but it was she who assaulted you, you explained elsewhere how she made a pact with your brother & another soul to help her ‘control’ you – which meant demoralize you, make you a pauper.
You reacted as any human, after multiple assaults you stopped trying to be nice. She only spoke in the negative, between that there was silence. One could ask why? You explained before it was to do with Dad. The rage she had for him was turned on you.
Grandma was a witness to hostility, she wanted it stopped. Go ahead & ask her why.
ME: Grandma what was it about?
GRANDMA: I saw & felt the coldness & it was an icy wind blowing through the house; I wanted it stopped for my own comfort. No, I did not question you or her, no, I did not dig deep. Yes I knew Regina was some sort of a psychopath, she was my child.
I was the one who told you she was like that from day one. She had to have control over things, & if not, there was revenge. She tried to break up your Aunt & Uncle by paying a girl to seduce him. She said she would ‘fix her up like a doll’ with a new wardrobe & accessories. Except it didn’t work & Uncle Henry hated her from then on in.
ME: Did you have any idea that Mom was abusing me & her reasons for it? Did you suspect but chose to ignore it anyway?
GRANDMA: Of course I suspected there was more to the drama. It’s obvious there were reasons. But I chose not to dig for my mental safety, just wanted to read my Russian newspaper & dream of other places, help with the dinner, bear out my time in the Circus until I could escape & go back to the paradise of North Salem {her daughter Dagmar & Uncle Henry.}
ME: OK so now you’re in Heaven & you must tell the truth. Aren’t you sorry you didn’t help me? My sore point is that none of the adults helped. That adds salt to the wounds. Weren’t you being selfish?
GRANDMA: I wasn’t a firebrand like you. I was a nice person, but that was it. I was more worried about the boy next door trying to feel your breasts than the pain in your heart. I was shallow, like 99% of all people; I was not a saint, a healer, a do-gooder or activist. I wanted to be left alone & live without conflict, at least in my old age.
ME: On Grandma’s side I can imagine why she wanted no drama. Her eight brothers were killed by the Bolsheviks {the fought with the Czar, Bolsheviks were Communists} & her husband was assassinated in their own home. They fled to Germany, were displaced persons & lived in a camp, & were lucky to passage to America. So that’s enough stress for one lifetime. But does one’s own past pains make them impervious to those of others?
GRANDMA: I’m sorry I didn’t help, but I wasn’t capable.
ME: What you did was put a band aid on a wound that was festering, that needed air. You didn’t help heal it, not a word. You didn’t even comfort me against her, you just wanted that fake truce.
{Is this how women where men are abusing the children, they just let it go, let it be? Sometimes they don’t see it but they suspect, & instead of digging they turn their back. So abuse goes on & on.}
She mentioned the boy who was trying to feel my breasts. When we moved to that home there was a neighbor with a boy a year younger than me. Being horny like all young males he tried to get to know me. There was a small tree behind our house; he climbed it to see inside my bedroom window. I caught him one day looking outside – that was before I knew him. Somehow we met.
Yes, we had a garage & yes, we were there alone, Grandma was in the bottom living room where there was a door to it. Every time the boy & I dallied he tried to feel my breasts. And over & over again she opened the door exclaiming,
“What are you two doing in there?”
Hanky panky, of course. Old women have been through the deal again & again. Young people think they invented sex but it was old hat right after Adam & Eve.
{A pet peeve of mine on that is the elders of our society are obsessed with preventing sex. Let teens do what they do. OK, pregnancies occur. In Matriarchal days it didn’t matter. Look at the Mosuos in China, a Matriarchal society, where the males visit the female – then go home in the morning. It’s called ‘Walk-in marriage.’ If any child is born, it stays with the Mom’s family. The men are not the leaders of the family but they do have 2nd place. To me, this system works. But here it’s convoluted & so, everyone is up to their gills when a female is on the road to sex because the system is hard on her. It forces marriage from guys who don’t want it – & many women are abandoned, alone, left to poverty – as what do you expect? A woman having a child/children but also having to work full time to support them? How could that be? That’s why our Patriarchal society is filled with orphanages, that’s why the old days of England, the streets were full of ‘waifs,’ thousands of homeless kids, begging, stealing, suffering in the streets.
I just might add here that affection & sex is healing/ comforting. In a Matriarchal setting as described, there is no punishment for affection & sex – It is taken as a natural, inevitable process – the man leaves in the morning, the children are cared for – no poverty, no waifs in the street.
Grandma’s Early Life
I only knew Grandma as an older lady & she acted the part. Her hair was always in a bun – not because she wanted to look like Grandma Moses but because she had Asian hair to her waist, thick like that, & a bun works. But coupled with the kind of dowdy clothes she wore, she wasn’t a Grandma you take to a posh restaurant & walk in proudly. When she was young she was I am guessing, {she told me she wore tight skirts in the Edwardian era, so tight they split & Grandpa yelled at her for that} attractive & glamorous, but now she looked like a ‘Babushka,’ older women in Eastern Europe who gain weight, wear ugly clothes & a kerchief over their heads. Never do they wear anything stylish or glamorous nor do they ever show their bodies – it’s tradition to look like this. My Aunt Ara once complained of this, that she sometimes wished Grandma would make herself more appealing like the neighbor lady they had. {She dressed smart & her husband made a serious pass at me when I was 14 – already mentioned elsewhere. In the car he was sitting to my right, he got a hardon & put my hand on it, Uncle Henry was driving, he could see it, his wife & Aunt Ara were in the back. Henry said nothing, I did nothing, nothing was ever said……}
This is how she met Grandpa – Vincas Bytautas {so she became Bytautiene}. He wanted to be a doctor, but when he attended medical school in Poland, the guys looked down on him for being Lithuanian – as Poles had this pride thing where they were ‘superior’ – yes, they had more educational opportunities. {One time under Vytautas the Great King we conquered Poland, then we were ‘mightier’, but now Poland was bigger & ‘better’ than us}. So that made him quit medical school. Thin skin I guess.
During the WWI he joined the Red Cross & drove a truck into Russia. His second wife was with him – the first had died. They met Grandma Luba at a medical facility. The wife was pregnant & died in child birth {not sure what happened to that child} & he & Luba thereafter got married, his third wife.
Luba then moved to Lithuania & adjusted to a new language & country {She was great at our language & foods – many flour & potato dishes, like ‘Kugelis’ *Uncle Henry’s fave, it’s finely grated potatoes which turn into ‘mush’ in a casserole with bits of bacon* & Raviolis with meat or cheese – but the Russian culture remained close to her heart. I learned Russian words from her. She never learned one word of English. Not sure what she achieved with the German language while they were there about 5 years {Mom & Dad were OK with it, he read to me from ‘Grimm’s fairy tales in German & translated it into Lithuanian – he also read to us from advanced Lithuanian story books.}
By the way, we did not have a ‘hard time’ in Germany even though war was on. Our family was given the management of a German hotel way out in the country – my Aunt said ‘we did everything.’ I imagine bed making, cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands. This began a lifetime of ‘service’ & minimum-wage jobs for Mom & Dagmar – they got off their elite horses in Lithuania except in their minds they remained superior no matter what {not Dad or Grandma, they were humble}. The hotel workers became Mom, her sister ‘Ara,’ Grandma & Dad – Uncle Henry was with the allied army as a chauffer. Aunt Ara said it was an older lady who owned the hotel; our presence took the weight off her back.
And Ara told me the food was great – no shortages. A disciple I used to call in Germany told me that the Nazis stole the food from countries they occupied & sent it to the native country. I guess that showed up on the store shelves.
Below: Grandma, Aunt Ara age 15, Dad, Mom age 17, Grandpa Vincent…2nd: Mom, Dad, Me, Grandma me age 7…#3d: me in Ritzy Waccabuc where Ara, Henry & Grandma lived & were employed…4th: The boat Gran came here on with Ara & Henry, see Henry in the middle with a checkered shirt
Grandma came to America on a separate boat than us – she was always with Ara & Henry –they had no children – by now my Mom & Dad had three. They got themselves a different sponsor to the US – as I mentioned in other books, a millionaire lady named Mrs. Grant, who owned Otis Elevators, in Waccabuc wanted them as servants. Ara managed the mansion housework & two boys, Henry took care of the grounds, horses & did maintenance & repairs {he was a genius at many things from horse shoeing to plumbing to construction. He built a small house as a birthday present for one of the sons, named Riddy, – for which he was paid in today’s money, 2k – & later built a 2 car garage, a superb stone-fenced in driveway & second floor on the small house they bought in North Salem NY – Mrs. Grant furnished it from their area of the mansion, it was 1930’s muted ‘art deco’ of sorts, exquisite. When Ara furnished the new upstairs it was hideous. The bedroom with a psychedelic rug of 6 bright colors, the living room no ambiance, Danish style bare-assed furniture I hated.}
I might add a couple things here. Grandma obviously helped with the household chores, as I recall her teaching me the proper way to fold towels, which Mrs. Grant taught her, I assume. I’ve folded towels that way ever since. Hold the towel the long way, fold over each side part way, & then fold it in half to hang on the rack.
Our Life in Germany – the Hotel & Clara Kaiser
There was a lady who got friendly with Uncle Henry, her chauffer, who sponsored him, Ara & Gran to the US. Here’s her obit:
New York Times obituary Nov 4, 1983
Dr Clara A Kaiser dies at 87
* Dr. Clara A. Kaiser, a former teacher and acting dean of the Columbia University School of Social Work, died Tuesday from burns she suffered in an accident several weeks ago at her home in Stamford, Conn. She was 87 years old.
Dr. Kaiser joined the faculty of the New York School of Social Work in 1935 and was appointed a professor five years later. The school later became affiliated with Columbia. She served as acting dean from 1958 to 1960, when she was named professor emeritus.
Dr. Kaiser was born in Rochester. She received bachelor’s degrees from the University of Rochester and the New York School of Social Work, and a doctorate from OhioStateUniversity. She was one of the first professors of group services at Western ReserveUniversity in Cleveland, and became a leader in the theory and practice of social group work, a method based on democratic group action.
At the end of World War II, Dr. Kaiser went to Germany for the World Y.M.- Y.W.C.A. Service to work with displaced persons. Later, she was a consultant in education and cultural affairs to the United States Military Government there. *
Below, Mom & Dad
Mom’s Road to Success
Let me add this: Clara Kaiser also got my Mom on the road to solvency. She was working as a waitress at Thorn’s Milk Bar, a place several members of our family worked, including myself for a time. That was all the professional experience she had. But on the recommendation of Dr. Kaiser, she was awarded a job as Head Chef of the Salvation Army Retired Officer’s Residence, & this got her started on later working for Stouffers, High School Cafeteria manager, & last but not least, manager of the Reader’s Digest plant in Pleasantville, NY. She had great talent & put her nose to it, learning to master recipes of all nations. At the Reader’s Digest Guest House, which she managed, she served the then Governor John D. Rockefeller, who said to o her,
“One of the best meals I ever ate.”
This man had charm. I had a mentor explained in Part 3, Rev. Judy Swaggart, who also met him & yakked a lot – & he said to her,
“I like the way you talk.”
Bottom line – who you know, who gives you a push, means a lot. Talent is one step, but without connections or some kind of exposure, it doesn’t move. Because of Clara Kaiser, my family gained great advantages. {The influence of Mrs. Grant, her Victorian mansion, Waccabuc, the two sons, the older of whom I later had an affair with, inspired me for the rest of my life – that opportunity came from Ms Kaiser – & as I said, she gave Mom a career start years later}…..Mom died knowing she had achieved success in spite of hardships.
Traits I Got from my Kin
A question occurs to me, am I a chip off the old block? In some ways, I am. I gained from the good of both parents, hopefully not the bad. Let me ask Mother God. “In what way do I resemble my parents?”
MG {Mother God within me}: The main thing you got from your Mom – definitely not her cruelty – you have none – but what you did get was her persistence in work, & talent in an artistic way. Her floristry, which she did mail order, she was good at. She was a genius at agriculture; flowers, fruits, veggies, picking mushrooms in the woods, you name it. She knew how to preserve, can, dry, produce all that she gathered, including milking the cow & making all kinds cheeses {you churned the butter}. She knew how to cook from day one & improved tremendously, studying cook books & practicing. She was ambitious to the degree she was able. She joined the ‘Book of the Month Club’ for English, & spoke it fairly well. {Unlike poor Dad who was terrible at English, I believe because he was 17 years older than Mom, was anchored to the old country & its goodness, forever wanting to somehow go back, did not embrace the new world like Mom did.} So from Mom it seems you got an artistic flair & the habit of hard work.
Below, house where Dad grew up in Lithuania – Store Grandpa owned in Lithuania – Aunt Ara, me, Mom & Dad when we arrived here 1949 – My passport photo, I was almost 5
As for Dad, he was a consummate intellectual, Mom said he was the smartest man she’d ever known. You recall in B’klyn him sitting at his desk for hours plodding through Polish & Lithuanian books, translating one to the other, writing poetry, studying history in 3 languages.
He was a ‘community leader’ & pubic speaker – they all looked up to him.
He was also a hard worker {geared more to intellectual work on a steady basis but he loved to dabble on the farm! You recall hours of him in the fields & the woods. He took the lingonberry bushes, separating big ones into many smaller ones, as had to be done, to propagate new berries. He was in the swamp working on a ditch with Marius, planning a pond for the future Boy Scouts!}
He liked to have company on all feasts & he & Mom put out the red carpet for friends, every Holiday the table had dozens of gorgeous dishes, wine &whiskey, lots of gay chatter in Lithuanian, everyone having a good time, love for all. {You tried to recreate this when you moved to your house, inviting anyone & everyone to the table, with limited success, as the people were vastly different.}
You got his intellectual habits, here you are sitting for hours a day writing books – as of 2021 written & published 25 books! You never went anywhere ‘on the road’ dancing without a book in possession, you read & studied hours a day your entire life.
You also spoke publicly, mostly as the ‘Stripper for God’ where you gave sermons before dancing. Dad’s example gave a start. Dad was committed to the cause of Lithuania being free of Communism & enlarging their culture, you are dedicated to saving the world from Patriarchy to Matriarchy.
Yes you got lots from both parents.
ME: What if anything did I get from Grandma?
MG: You got her body. She was shapely & athletic when she was young. Her body was better than your Mom’s. You also got that Asian strain due to her, which gave you the edge of being ‘exotic’ in your career.
She was also feisty; remember when she told you how she started an insurrection in her school? In those days one’s respect for teachers was sacrosanct; your Dad showed you that. When teacher entered the room, students stood up. {Look at the movie ‘The Blue Angel,’ Dietrich’s first big hit, the Professor/student relationship. This is how it was in all of Europe}. Students never talked back. And so, when one female teacher addressed your Grandma, ‘Dura’ which means stupid in Russian, she stood up & said,
“I’m not Dura, I’m Luba!”
At that outburst all the girls in the class stood up & marched out, & other classes who saw this also followed.
It wasn’t held against her as later she became the Head Mistress of that school.
You are also feisty as you stand up to authority in favor of human rights. So you got plenty from her……{end channeling}
Memories of Germany
Below, Displaced Person’s Camps in Germany we stayed at before our departure {this was not days, weeks or months. Prior to that we ran a hotel & had a good life.}
I also might mention little memories in Germany – not many as I was a month from my 5th birthday when we came here.
The hotel we worked & lived in – recall being invited to the rooms of a lady, for a snack. As I sat at their table, a bit nervous, the lady reassuring me I was safe – a puppy was nipping at my socks, & I still recall vividly how dramatic that was! This hotel had maybe 3 floors, I know I was up high some place.
I recall also walking with Dad through stone quarries, holding his hand. It seems appropriate that when I bought a house in upstate NY it hearkened to many memories of the past. There is a large stone quarry nearby which I frequented with my dogs. There is a birch tree glade on my property – Dad lovingly spoke of the birches in Lithuania – I see them in pics. {My house is on the same latitude as Lithuania – same frigid winters!} And all over my lawn is Sorrel which Mom & Grandma had us pick bags of for daily soup {in Germany}. Best soup then, best soup now.
I also believe I was molested by one of the members of that hotel – maybe by a soldier as Mom told me an anecdote about soldiers, how she yelled at them for having grenades on a kitchen table & she brushed them off – a no-no obviously as they could explode.
My reason for saying this is when I’m sitting & a man stands around me, like my web man for instance – where his dick is about the same height as my face – it gives me the creepiest uncomfortable feeling. So I wonder if in my pre-memory years a man made me suck his dick where I was short, he was tall, or I was sitting, he was standing. So the memory is gone but the creepiness lingers.
I also recall loving Ara & Henry so much – one time they wee visiting but it was time for them to go. I begged them to stay to no avail, so I went behind the jeep & held onto the bumper with all my might, even as they took off. Everyone screamed for Henry to stop – I did not let go. Bloody knees resulted, I’m glad there are no scars as my dancing & modeling career could have been affected.
Dad, middle, back, at the University of Vilnius
So my family came to the US on the SS Heintzelman in 1949 & my Aunt, Uncle & Grandma were on a separate boat. Not sure which was first.
Grandma lived with us one month of that year in Middletown {I was only there less than a year when I transited to Dad} & I never got that spare room.
Their Abuse Intensifies
For me, Middletown seemed to hurt even more than Freehold, because my slave services were no longer needed. I was slightly more tolerated or left alone, it seemed, because I did their share of the work, while they worked outside the house & made money. I was given no allowance & was not supported with new clothes, anything extra, just room & board & work. In the Farm off Eli Harmony Rd we had animals, later all gone but dogs – so it fell to me to 100% care of the dogs, who never came into the house but had to suffer on chains. {It broke my heart when Mom no longer bought dog food – they had to be fed scraps, & sometimes there weren’t many. One of them, a cocker spaniel mix, I think caught the rats under the shed, as there were plenty every night – he never ate the meager scraps.}
{It is amazing to me that no matter how abused or neglected or starved dogs are, they still love us & never become revengeful. They simply don’t know they are being abused.
I might add to that I didn’t know I was being abused. I tried so hard to please Mom, I never put 2 & 2 together. This happens to a lot of abused kids I am told. They think it’s their fault, like what did they do wrong?
For much of my life I tried hard to please Mom, I worked & worked, but nothing I did could stop her from hating me. Why didn’t I catch on? Because there was no distance between myself & the Mother/child bond, it took many years to step away, look back & see what was what. I just felt demoralized, defeated & bewildered like why am I being persecuted? What can I do to fix it? Some relationships you can’t fix – you have to walk away. The thing that would ‘fix’ her from hating me was I had to hate & denounce Dad, & that was impossible.
In Middletown there was much less work to be done so I was sort of like ‘extra weight’ to them. The house & furniture were new, easy to clean. No animals. They treated me, under Mom’s auspices, like I was un-necessary baggage, I was then good for one thing: ridicule & abuse. I was the whipping post, a thing to vent their spleen on, to project all their hateful feelings when they felt like it, all three spit their spleen on me & smirked while doing it.
Leave Torment – Receive Prosperity & Paradise
At sixteen I lived with Dad for a year, then escaped to my destiny – Hollywood & show business – & later upon my return, in 1972, age 27, my daughter & I lived with Dad.
Dad had moved out of the apt around 1974 & moved to Torrevieja, Spain, with his new Puerto Rican wife, where he lived happily ever after & died in 1979, months after Mom’s demise. When he passed I took a trip there & stayed a couple weeks with his wife, thank God I got his archives, they are present here.
Mom & Aunt Ara at the upstairs Uncle Henry built to their small house – it even had a second kitchen {what the heck for?} I did not like Ara’s new furnishings, she didn’t have Mrs. Grant’s Waccabuc taste. What year is this? I guess around 1977.
In 1986 I started a video business & made the most money I ever had – to my standards I was rich – saved 200k quickly & in 1989 bought my paradise upstate NY {where I am now} – split-level yard with creek below, apple trees on top, a swamp & wilderness with glades of fir & birch trees – 500’ of riverfront & a 5 acre island all my own! I commuted between those two places a couple years before I moved out of Williamsburg, B’klyn 1991. {At that time it was just started to turn from slum to artistic community. It had started long before as fashionable, my building was built then – 356 S.1st St. between Hooper & Keap – & the apt’s that weren’t ruined had good features. But then the middle class moved out & poverty reigned. But someone decided this would be the next Greenwich Village & while I was still there they remodeled all the dingy little parks & started upgrading & uploading stores with higher-class goods. The poor moved out, the stylish moved in, & I was gone. I have not had occasion to visit there again, but people tell me of it. {End Chapter 7}