8-29-22 His Paranoid State with Me –

Why no pics were taken together &  Strange turn of events

         The headline pic is not him, one of my other models – I will use some other models this article 

Last night I put together an article with many of Nick’s images including those with him & females – including nights when we made love – he hugged them for pics, not me. And I asked why did he want no images taken with him?

          The dream was stressful & shows his paranoid state.

          Dream: I was in love with this guy who really turned me on, I’d go into an ecstatic state when we are together. I wanted to see him so badly.

After a while, he finally comes over, to my 2^nd floor apt. He has longish wavy black hair, in clumps, & he’s somehow naked in my apt, I see his penis clearly, his skin is suntan like he’s a darker nationality like some sort of Latin mix. He seems to be a NERVOUS WRECK.

We’re in my room trying to have some privacy. But there’s this huge window – just like the one we had in B’klyn, like we’re in the kitchen & to the right is this window – it’s about 5-6’ square, & on the other side of it, slightly higher, are my neighbors, who’re sitting at a table, like maybe 3 women & 2 men, the women figure more prominently in this scene.

Why the window isn’t closed as we try to make love, I don’t know. At first, those women are just sitting there speaking to one another at their blonde {like Oak} table, but next thing you know, they ENTER our room! It’s a small leap from where they are to where we are but I am outraged, & invite them to leave, which they do.

Then I climb up on something & try to cover up the window with a couple things for privacy.

But my lover is SPOOKED OUT as he’s paranoid, afraid, nervous, & he leaves.

*** {NERVOUS STATE OF LOVER & NOSY NEIGHBORS: This dream explains, in two scenarios, why Nick didn’t want images taken with me – His fear of people – their opinion – especially that of women.

We were not allowed to be private, left alone, they got “into our space,” our privacy, apparently giving their opinions, like because it’s a TABLE could be saying,

“What does she bring to the table? What does he?”

It’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS but they are butting in & he is SCARED OF THEM.

He BREAKS MY HEART by his absence.

I do recall that one of his bear pong buddies – a female his own age – told him it was wrong for him to be with me, as he was looking for a Mother. He should be with HER & she did have sex with him, he told me he was ‘using her for sex’ last time we spoke.

Don’t know who else said negative things, probably they all did. His state of mind is because he’s INSECURE, not confident at all.

I call & call to him, from here on in I have nothing but trouble & I thought I had him in my h ands, but I look at my hands & they are empty, & later he does appear, but disappears again. Both he & I are having terrible stress because of these interfering neighbors.

*** {APPEAR, DISAPPEAR: We both had great stress in our relationship & he would come & go like the wind. See the song, ‘The Wayward Wind.’ By Patsy Cline & Gogi Grant hits:

“Oh, the wayward wind is a restless wind
A restless wind that yearns to wander
And he was born the next of kin
The next of kin to the wayward wind”

Later there’s this theater. I go there to watch a movie, it’s night. I sit, in front of me left is a black guy, I see his shoulders, he’s full bodied. I want to speak to him but am shy. I look to my right & there’s a thin young black man, I do speak to him & say,

“This movie is boring.”

He somehow agrees – he’s quiet.

I vaguely recall bending to the shoulder & ear of that guy in front of me & saying softly,

“I love you.”

Then I walk to the left aisle – btw – this theater is practically empty, almost no one goes here at night, it’s like 5 people in the whole theater. Anyway, I walk on this wide left hand aisle, it’s about 10-12’ wide, everything is clean; it has a light reddish tone. I’m doing some research or something & someone, maybe my daughter, finds a large piece of white paper on the floor & picks it up. I see my address in on the left top corner. I don’t want any of my ID left here & I take that paper to leave with it. Not sure what I was doing in this theater except research of some kind but I didn’t want people to know I was there, no proof.

*** {THEATER I WANT NO PROOF OF MY BEING THERE: This hearkens ot the question of why Nick wanted no images of him & you – Because he feared there being proof the two of you were together. This real PARANOIA because he hung with addicts, pushers, & many women he bedded besides his front woman – & he had pics taken with them. But apparently, there was harsher criticism & ridicule about me than anyone else. Drug users & pushers in his society were commonplace – women much older than he were not. This is what he feared – criticism & ridicule for loving me, conversely, as weird as it seems to straight people, there was no criticism for drug dealers or users – they were not only comfortable with this, they bragged about it, sung about it & it made them feel they BELONGED. But the love of an older woman would make a guy an OUTCAST.

The dude I whisper to is obviously Nick, the one to my right one of his friends. We’re all observing his life story. Why is it night & no one is here? Night is ‘dark night of the soul,’ not knowing, being in darkness or lack of understanding. I talk about RESEARCH means I’m trying to figure it out. Why are there few people here? Few are thinking about his life in terms of what was behind it?

When I say this movie is boring, I’m speaking of his life as boring or meaningless. When I wrote the first article about him where I featured many of his local pics, he said,

“I WASTED MY LIFE”

<this is channeling – yes, he admitted it once he was dead.>

The guy to the right who seems to agree with me, – there’s an empty seat between us – is now subdued, is someone who talked too much while living, I recall ‘Tom’ him with annoyance. I took him out to dinner several times along with Nick & his friends….he would not shut up. This shows Nick’s death zipped his lip.

He might appear here as he took some pics & a VIDEO of Nick & me where he was doing ‘the monkey dance’ toward me when I raised my leg to the ceiling – but he said later when he tried to show me THAT NICK HAD ERASED IT. It seems he agrees with me that their LIFESTYLE WAS WRONG – BORING is another term for WITHOUT MEANING.

The empty seat between us? Nick is in front of me so it can’t be the lack of Nick. It might be we are no longer CLOSE – I’ve not spoken to him in years.} ***

Again, it is night & I’m in a place like the old Post Office area in B’klyn where I used to go almost daily. I need to walk home, but must go through an area that is dangerous, so I go way up in the air, like 30’ – later I even rise 50’ in the air & say to myself when it’s night I will not walk the street, as there could be muggers people lurking, I will rise above the tree tops to make my journey, so here I go sailing in the air on this long walk home.

Now I’m in the woods on that familiar road behind the house near Freehold NJ – this road I’ve taken hundreds of times in my dreams. Except this day I pass by some landmarks saying that others have moved in, interlopers, this is my property, but they have invaded.

As I go past one area I see something white to the right, on a hilly spot, & a strong bright light is shining & is pointed on me as I go by. I realize people are camping here – not something that happened in the past, this is new.

Then I come to a building right in the middle of the road, looks like a covered bridge but is a building painted red, pretty, with white trim like in between a barn & house. At first I think this is bad or whoever put this here is wrong, as its blocking the road, but as I come up to it I see there is ample room to the right of it to go by.

*** {IN THE AIR BECAUSE IT’S NIGHT, JOURNEY HOME THROUGH THE WILDERNESS: This is rising above time & space, the dangers of the world, lower thoughts, lower feelings & the demonic. I must rise above all this, that is the MESSAGE as it’s the POST OFFICE. There is a BRIGHT LIGHT at one point shining at me – could be the Light of God, Saints or Angels helping me.

The RED BUILDING I think is a BLOCK, someone seems to have built it there & it’s wrong – is most probably the OBSTACLE of Nick’s death, dying & therefore the prediction that he & I would be together as man & wife cannot come true. RED is BLOOD or suffering. First, I thought it wrong, but then I see one can GET BY THIS which means get past his death; cope with it, live with it. Indeed, I am doing remarkably well & much insight & closure are coming to me about all this – why it was as it was, why death was his only way out, how the Truth now comes to Light through all this.

I understand him & our relationship more clearly than I ever did when he was alive.

The FAMILIAR ROAD / JOURNEY hearkens back to long ago when I was a child. It’s the journey of LIFE, & the ROAD HOME is seeking fulfillment, peace, happiness, meaning, love & one’s destiny.

The BRIGHT LIGHT from a hill to the right is something from GOD, bestowing insight on me, about the building up ahead, which is Nick’s death.

One thing that comforts me again & again, God keeps saying like so:

“If he had gone into rehab, been with you, you would have been the sacrificial lamb. Part of the time you would have been happy, but much of the time you would have been miserable due to his behavior, neediness, lack of discipline & errant ways. He would have relapsed over & over. You would have had the biggest baby in America, one hard to handle, one causing you continuous stress.

The only way he kept semi under control was through drugs, he & his partner drugged together & that pacified him. Otherwise he was a basket case & you knew it. He needed therapy, but he wouldn’t allow it. He was not cooperative with you for his healing, career, for anything. He would have had you jumping through hoops to keep him busy & out of trouble.

God did not want you sacrificed.

And if you had seen him the night he called, it would have started the pattern all over again, like it was before. It would have forestalled his death for a while, but once he decided he would be a forever drug addict with his drug mate, the writing was on the wall. He was doomed. And you predicted it in 2014. Each of your channeling friends agreed.} ***

8-30-22             Strange turn of events

There’s an EVENT going on in front of me, like a line of things, like a design, & Nick is standing in the middle of it. Something bad happens, then there is an investigation of sorts.

A big woman shows up near him & it’s strange, although something bad happened – like an assassination – I feel she’s asking him to commit another event like that, like another assassination, but this is vague & confusing.

She’s big, like weighing 300 lbs, in a dark floral print dress, black background or very dark blue with figures on it in all dark colors. Her hair is well set, its shoulder length, thickly curled.

When she goes away to do something I walk in & speak to Nick. He tells me she’s some kind of important official, like the wife of the Chief of Treasury, or maybe she’s the Chief of Treasury herself, in this foreign land.

Nick & I are now seated at a small booth as in a restaurant, thickly padded vinyl brown seats {I sense brown} with a dark solid partition to our right – the table & booth are small, seating only 2 people. Close to him there’s a silver teapot, the kind that has a round part on top, then a small waist, then a bigger round pot on the bottom. I touch it, it’s hot – like hot water inside. I tell Nick I guess this is tea.

The big woman returns & gives me a FIERCE glance.

She’s Spanish & since she’s important I didn’t know how to greet her to give her the honor she’d expect, like in English, I’d say something,

“Honored to meet you, your Ladyship”

but can’t think of the words in Spanish even remotely, so instead, I kiss her right hand in a respectful European manner.

At that moment she unfurls a white tablecloth to go over our little table – She’s going to serve us. This is a surprising action, as she is this Lady of high standing, but now she’s OUR SERVER!

*** {LADY OF THE TREASURY, WHO NOW SERVES US: This dream I analyzed while still in bed, went to sleep & dreamed some more. It’s deep.

This ‘important lady’ who is some kind of TREASURY person, is the gf who financed him so he could do drugs every day. As I said many times before, she might have given him the drugs for months in the beginning, before he got a full-time job. Then he got a full-time job & had the luxury of spending most of his money on his habits – he was addicted to regular cigs & grass, beer & became addicted to cocaine because of this lady. Not sure if he graduated to heroin the last years – it is possible.

She was BIG or IMPORTANT to him during the time they were together for this reason.

The EVENT is his death of an overdose. I warned him about this dozens of times since 2014 – predicted it – he paid no attention.

And so, I am watching this ‘from afar’ so to speak, checking his face book.

Her immediate reaction was he had ‘killed himself,’ the assassination, & she was so upset she wised to be dead also – the second assassination.

Her leaving & my MOVING CLOSER to Nick is when the body was gone – she left or became ‘distant’ to him. She did not relate to his SPIRIT as I do.

That was when I MOVED IN. My relationship with him has been, from the beginning, SPIRITUAL. And so his body being gone, he actually came closer to me & I to him because

*** He was no longer distracted by the other people around him – his male & female friends

*** I had dismissed him from my mind for the most part, but now returned to communicate & converse with him

And so, we came together in a private place, one in which there is no ROOM for anyone else or no ATTENTION paid to them – just us – the SMALL BOOTH.

The silver teapot reminds me of all the MARRIAGE dreams I had over the years – it signifies a LONG TIME, if 25 years go by since we met – 2011 + 25 = 2036. In 2036 I’ll be 91 – the age predicted for me to live to since many years ago. I didn’t expect I would live this long since my several heart attacks of 2017, but then again, who knows.

So this is a sign of our TOGETHERNESS. Why the BROWN? It’s a sign of almost black sufferings. That could be the time we both spent leading up to this – it’s been a dark, dreary time of stress, misunderstanding, jealousy, pain & terrible separations. We both suffered equally. But this shows us

APART {partition to our right} from others, we were meant to be together, just the two of us, in the end.

Now the BIG WOMAN – his gf comes back & I know its her because of the FIERCE LOOK.

But I have a message for her here. I am giving her honor or credit for something. One moment I kiss her hand. And then she unfurls a white table cloth for our little table, as if she’s going to SET A MEAL FOR US – she’s our server or servant!

The white tablecloth is MARRIAGE, which goes along with the silver teapot for tea.

TEA is something you have for a repast/ break, time out, refreshment. My grandma used to call for tea several times a day; it didn’t just mean tea, it meant put the bread, jams & jelly, butter & cheese on the table for a snack. It’s relaxation, rest, refreshment.

How she becomes our server/servant after Nick’s death is strange. It’s as if she helped him die, which removed him from her & put him with me.

My God Self explained it like this:

“None of these people functions on a spiritual basis. They don’t have the skills to do so. They cannot talk to God or saints or Souls in purgatory. They cannot read minds like you can. They function on the physical plane only, so they communicated & conversed with Nick only with his flesh, & when that was gone, it was the end of communication.

Not so for you. You are spiritual & when Nick lost his body but not his soul, he belonged to you. He could communicate with you alone, not with them, so he is yours alone, you are his.

And so, by providing Nick with drugs she also helped him die, which then, set a table before you by her – by helping to kill him she helped him transit from herself & earthly people to you. So she’s your server or servant.

A strange turn of events to be sure.

In the next dream later that night I see myself in a white lace, low cut dress. I keep looking at my chest to see if it fits right.

*** {WHITE LACE DRESS: My wedding dress. Breasts are love, I’m thinking of love. Not sure what this means except my marriage to Nick.} ***