College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized





3-29-21 Devil Takes Too Much Away via my White Caddy



The end of this dream was so troubling I could not function until I write it down & interpret.

In the end, my boy friend appears as ‘The Putz’ – a con artist from way back who is ALWAYS Satan.  He borrows my white Cadillac, in the dream it’s the old Eldorado sort of, that I don’t think I really need as I have a newer, better car.  The Eldorado was just sitting there for ‘years’ on the side of the road, facing down from the house, toward villages, not the town I go to.  So it was not functioning.

*(MAKING OFF WITH MY CAR – A BIG MISTAKE ON MY PART TO LET HIM ‘BORROW’ IT:   Wow, did this trouble me.  But after an hour of hanging around, thinking, I picked up the answer.  This is when I was with my ex lover doing SEX & I was so into it, it became he was me, I was he, we PHYSICALLY melted into one, became one.  But this was not SPIRITUAL.  His chubbiness as well as dark skin says THIS IS THE FLESH, this is not God as much later, you were wed mystically/spiritually – but this is BEFORE THAT when you LOST YOUR SOUL so to speak – you lost your identity with God, intimacy, closeness, the tender love of God – all was TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU BY SATAN.

This is the awful DREAD you feel as you see him driving UP the road WITH YOUR CAR.  Your car represents something extremely important.  It’s as if someone took from you your CELL PHONE {all the info}, or your KEYS {all the access}, or your COMPUTER {info & access}.  All these represent things of importance that you must have.  This car represents your PURE HEART – the RELATIONSHIP OF INTIMACY WITH GOD, which Satan, in a sense CONNED YOU OUT OF.

You didn’t see SEX with this man as allowing SATAN to take over.  But through sex, the evil one infiltrated your life & now was TAKING AWAY something of great importance, with DIRE CONSEQUENCES looming ahead.  Satan, after all is nothing good, no good intentions, no fruitfulness, a liar from the first & always, a con man, evil doer & has no redemption whatsoever.  And now he got hold of something CRITICALLY IMPORTANT that you have, & it’s IN HIS CONTROL.  How sneaky Satan is, working through ordinary activities like sex, or business, or friendship, anything to get close, & when you become ONE it’s all over, you are robbed.  In this dream you become aware what he did.

Me to Mother God:   If Robert had been a good man, close to God, & we became one, would this SATAN thingy have occurred?  Or is it because he was possessed by numerous demons?

MOTHER GOD:   It works both ways.  First, no man, including a man of God, should take you away from the God within.  It isn’t likely that a man of God would do that to you – see the Holy Virgin with St Joseph – he didn’t take her away from God; he helped her bring God’s Avatar into the world.  St. Joseph did not CONSUME the Holy Mary’s soul even though they were ‘one’ in the love of God.  So it is not likely that any man of God, least of all a saint, would take a person AWAY from God.  If they become ONE or bonded, they are one in the bond of holiness, not merely flesh, but they are one in the HIGHER REALM.

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Now take this man Robert you were dealing with.  He was possessed by so many demons it could make your head swim.  So you become ONE with him through sex & physical infatuation & voila, you are ATTACKED by his demons constantly, relentlessly, day in, day out, week & month in & out. They are EXHAUSTING you, diverting you, derailing you away from God. You can’t keep your mind on God when fighting a monumental struggle.

You don’t notice it at first, but one day, you become AWARE of what has happened – that you can no longer function as the intimate ONE WITH GOD – he’s taken away the capacity, you are ‘in love’ or addicted to him like an addict for drugs – he has CONTROL over you;  your mind & body.  The white car represents how he’s taken this away – you can call it CAPACITY or SOUL POWER, or MIND & HEART.  He controls your mind, feelings & consciousness, you are SUNK by the demonic, the evil forces called Satan, you are a GONER.  In this dream you re-experience how dreadful that was.

Since this man was, perhaps still is, possessed by so many demons, of course he’d take you where you don’t want to go – represented by wrecking or smacking up the car.  Does he have a license or permission?  No, not really, it’s a CON JOB – he did not appear declaring ‘Here I am, Satan disguised as a handsome, sexy man’.  Or ‘here I am, see my demons?’  Not, humans wear a mask, whatever it is; it could take time to see beneath it.  And so, he took you over without you knowing what you were getting into – a theft, a con job, a ruse, deception, all that is evil.  Getting FREE was a trip!)*

Therefore, when he asks to borrow it, I don’t think much of it, I say OK.  Now as I watch him, driving rather slowly & carefully, up the road toward town, I realize my BLUNDER.  What have I done?

First, I did not even check if he had a LICENSE.  Second, he is headed TO TOWN where I sense he’s up to NO GOOD – looking for other women – maybe drugs.  Third, my insurance is on this car, not sure if I designated another driver, {I should have told him I can’t let him borrow the car as my insurance doesn’t allow another driver but at the time, I couldn’t think of any excuse} & does he even know HOW TO DRIVE?  Long ago as soon as I let the Putz borrow my white Corvette, he SMACKED IT UP!  And so will Putz now smack up this car?  And my insurance could skyrocket. As I see him drive up the road a sense of terrible FOREBODING overtakes me & I go, ‘mistake, mistake, mistake.’

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Prior to that, the last scene I was with an unknown man.  He was somewhat pudgy, dark skinned, & I was sucking his dick, which was of a good size & I had my whole self into it, feeling strange, like this was MY BODY as well as his.  This went on for a long time, involved, & a powerful vision.

*(HAVE SEX WHERE WE BECOME ONE:   This is how he infiltrated/possessed you.)*

Prior to that the scenes were more innocent.  It started with a guy who had a tail like a dinosaur, hanging behind him maybe 8-10′.  The tail is black, gnarled, deflated, shiny like you would imagine the skin of a reptile, & he is DRAGGING IT AROUND & we’re all thinking he needs SURGERY to get this un-needed appendage removed.  It’s a feeling like something happened to cause this tail & it has to be fixed. 

*(LIKE A DINOSAUR WITH DEFLATED LONG TAIL, REPTILIAN:   This has TWO MEANINGS.  First, it’s Robert denied access to you with his big, long dick.  The BLACKNESS is the FUNERAL or NO MORE – also the LACK OF GRACE or God-participation in the affair at this time–God being more or less blocked off.  The deflation is NO MORE HARDON accepted by you, his EGO DEFLATED.

  Second, it’s the SATANIC or REPTILIAN now also denied, walking around without ability or power, an appendage of no use, needs a doctor to get it fixed as he is ‘extinct’ from your life, maybe even the life of Robert. 

{Indeed, if the demons are gone from Robert through your intercession then this is the big light at the end of the tunnel, hope & help is on the way, it bodes togetherness not far off.  It also begs the question that by what devise did Robert get un-possessed?  Is it by the God Power I had to re-generate, that is, having this terrible Cross put upon me, say 30 demons, then having to dis-possess MYSELF of them, which then automatically left Robert?  I believe this MAKES SENSE & it certainly makes me happy.})*

Then there’s scenes about this guy I was thinking about yesterday, who is the partner of my ex lover, in ‘monkey business.’  It was the ‘monkey’ part of the business I wondered about.  I was asking his Mom how he got his decent car – it’s a black sports car – & did she buy it for him & she says ‘No, he saved up & bought it.’

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The scenes surrounding my questions seem sort of innocent & I am assured it’s alright.  Then the bad scenes came up – as explained in front.

*(THE GUY I WAS THINKING ABOUT, MONKEY BUSINESS WITH ROBERT:   I need to ask Mother God, as this is murky.

MOTHER GOD:  You are speaking with HIS MOTHER which is the God within him.  You are asking this Holy Person if She gave Monkey the SPORTS CAR.  The CAR he has represents his BUSINESS WITH ROBERT.  And so you are saying ‘Is this of God – will it succeed?’

She answers, ‘No, it is NOT OF GOD – I did not give this enterprise to him, it’s his own effort.’  And so the answer is, if God has not initiated & sanctioned this, it’s not likely to succeed – which you knew already from long ago. 

The questions about this partner are there’s nothing big going on; instead you review the calamity of your own life being involved with Robert.)*




          This dream opens up some big questions of great pertinence – things not open before.  Now let me ask you, Mother God, since we are on the demonic.  You SENT ME out there, into the world, knowing what the results would be.  You got me ENTANGLED in the demonic aspects of it, you made me do it.  You know & I know I did not want to go out into the world, I did not want to end my celibacy but you insisted.


          So here is the question.  Did I sin?  I don’t mean by fornication because I know it’s not sin – I mean by the say, drinking & driving – which is inevitable when a person goes drinking every weekend to club & has to drive home.  One endangers one’s own safety & that of others. 

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          Second, the idiocy a person says, thinks & feels when out in bars & clubs, the dumb chit chat, the negative feelings at times, the angry, revengeful thoughts when people hurt me.  Were these sins?  You knew there would be nonsense, you knew I’d feel angry, revengeful when people would do awful things to me – it’s INEVITABLE.  That’s why saints stay at home, in hermitages, monasteries, to be away from these situations as they automatically make one think, speak, feel certain ways – & those ways, like hate, are sinful.  Did I sin, was I filthy, corrupt?


          MOTHER GOD:   When a person makes a deal with the police to help them on a case, they are sometimes given IMMUNITY, even though they are guilty to some degree.  You were guilty of the things you said you were, but you had immunity from God, because you obeyed God to go out into the world & do what She {I} told you to do.


          Yes, I knew you would fall into those actions, thoughts & feelings, they are automatic, instinctive, they are taken for granted.  But you did not plan to be out there, you obeyed, & it happened.  You also did not, on purpose, hurt anyone, nor did you want to, they were fleeting thoughts & feelings.


          So to answer, you were not counted as being sinful, nothing was held against you by God, you were immune or had immunity.


          The way you suffered was your consciousness, losing the sight of me, the intimacy.  The minute you regained that consciousness you’ve been as happy as a lark, & free as a bird, it’s a wonderful feeling.  If you were laden with sin, you wouldn’t feel so great, but sin is not on you.


          ME:   OK, so I lost my consciousness of you temporarily but not polluted by sin, so that is a great revelation.  Things are getting ore clear.


          My second question is we’re speaking of the demonic.  The demons, did they possess me, or did they push me to concentrate on the flesh, & the flesh blocked out my vision, as St. Thomas Aquinas said, lust causes blindness of spirit.  What was I possessed by, demons or lust?  What did they exactly do to me?  Did they or the situation disable, disempower or block my vision of God?

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          MOTHER GOD:  What happened was they REPLACED the vision of God with him – the man.  He became front & center to your mind.  It was an ultimate challenge then, it was a Cross of proportions that called on  superhuman efforts, & you succeeded.


          ME:   How many demons did he have, & have his demons been beaten, or if not, when will they be?


          MOTHER GOD:   He had so many you can call them legion.  He had a more than a dozen big ones, & numerous small ones, depending how you define the demonic.  His number one demon is drug addiction, which he hasn’t beaten yet, but he wants to – he said so in his latest poem to you.  He’s wanted to the longest, still does, so desire against it is a step.


          The way to healing from all the maladies he had & has takes a long time – this is why you can’t be together yet & could not be in the past.  The girl he’s with has the same demons, this could not be something for you to live with – he has to be rid of drugs first.


          When the time comes & you’re together you’ll understand why it all took so long & why you suffered, why you had to quit celibacy, lose your intimacy with God, then come back, regain it, then break up with him & get together again; it will all make sense.


          ME:  Thanks Mother God.  I need to stop now, I appreciate it.


5645ced21f08ffd4fbdde2fe27867835 9802ec92e6014e0157fcbbff0b40e8b0 Ginger kitten, Butch, 9 weeks old, and Cavapoo pups 25575-Ginger-kitten-with-Cavapoo-pup-rabbit-and-Guinea-pig-white-background 28623-Burmese-kittens-7-weeks-old-white-background 41048f4df912a5dd0d9c6ed33a4abeb7 041514-group-kitt_1_orig 41575a2f871a265c64cc48137befd346 


College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized







THE GODDESS THEORY : Controversial UCLA Archeologist Marija Gimbutas

Argues That the World Was at Peace When God Was a Woman


JUNE 11, 1989

IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE a book less likely than “The Goddesses and Gods of Old Europe” to cause a sensation. Its subject matter, the spiritual practices of people living in southeastern Europe 6,000 to 8,000 years ago, usually holds appeal for few people other than a fraction of the world’s archeologists. Reflecting the fact that its author, Lithuanian-born Marija Gimbutas, writes for an academic audience, its prose is wooden. Even its publisher, a British firm called Thames & Hudson, was so uncertain of the book’s success that it released the work in 1974 without publicity. Although the book was reissued in 1982, it has been out of print since.

Nevertheless, Gimbutas, 68, a UCLA archeologist, is now heralded in some circles as an intellectual pioneer, mainly because of the allure of the ideas in her book. Those ideas have kindled an interest in archeology among an unlikely amalgam of artists, feminists and other spiritually oriented people who find in her work confirmation of some of their most cherished beliefs. Now, when they discuss the possibilities of living peacefully and in harmony with the earth, “we’re not just talking hypothetically anymore because of Gimbutas’ work,” says Eleanor Gadon, whose book, “The Once and Future Goddess: A Symbol for Our Time,” is being published by Harper & Row in October.

Simply put, “The Goddesses and Gods of Old Europe” argues that the original settlers of southeastern Europe lived in societies that were ideal in many respects. Men and women lived in harmony, Gimbutas says; women ran the temples and in doing so held predominant positions, while men performed such physical chores as hunting, building and navigating. The deities these people worshiped were overwhelmingly female, and their values, emphasizing nonviolence and reverence for nature, came from the feminine realm.


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It was marauding Indo-Europeans, the forerunners of Western civilization, who destroyed these societies, Gimbutas says. Making incursions from the Russian steppes starting in 4400 BC, the Indo-Europeans were violent, indifferent to nature and dominated by men. Those features, she says, have been part of Western civilization ever since and account for the political and environmental crises that now threaten the planet.


Ironically, Gimbutas’ earlier work, which focused on the Indo-Europeans, established her reputation among scholars as one of the world’s leading archeologists, while her study of the Old Europeans, whom the Indo-Europeans supposedly ravaged, has caused her standing to decline.


For Gimbutas, however, the Indo-European work was misery, while the later research was a deliverance. The sheer tonnage of arms found at Indo-European sites sickened her to the extent that she now says she cannot bear to look at her monumental study of the Indo-Europeans, called “Bronze Age Cultures in Central and Eastern Europe.”

“Weapons, weapons, weapons!” she says. “It’s just incredible how many thousands of pounds of these daggers and swords were found from the Bronze Age. This was a cruel period and the beginning of what it is today–you turn on the television, and it’s war, war, war, whatever channel.”

While conducting Indo-European excavations, Gimbutas came across tiny figurines, usually female, from an era predating the Indo-Europeans. “I always questioned what they were and why there was no explanation of them,” Gimbutas says. Since the figurines often possessed exaggerated buttocks, breasts and vulvas, some archeologists dismissed them as a kind of prehistoric pornography, but Gimbutas was unconvinced. She tracked down the figurines in museums and led excavations in Greece and Yugoslavia, where she uncovered 500 more of them.

(c) The Fitzwilliam Museum; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation DorothyDandridge_article download (1) download (2) download DP805381 drawingsengravin00blakuoft_0201

Ernestine Elster, director of publications at UCLA’s Institute of Archeology, remembers traveling in Europe with Gimbutas during this period, amazed by Gimbutas’ “unending energy.” On one leg of the trip, Elster says, the pair visited small museums in Hungary where the figurines were often stashed away. “I soon discovered that while she was photographing the objects, my job was to talk to the museum director so that he wouldn’t get bored,” Elster says. “My German wasn’t very good, but if the director spoke German, I could figure when it was time for me to say, ‘mein Gott!’ or ‘sehr gut. ‘ That’s how we got through.”

Gimbutas says she spent most of a decade studying the figurines. Then, trusting her intuition to point the way, she concluded that the figurines were representations of goddesses, whose exaggerated sexual organs had no erotic significance but rather reflected links to reproduction and nature. “ ‘The Goddesses and Gods of Old Europe’ was produced really quickly, in about three or four months,” she says, “because the preparation was 10 years.”

A brief review of the book in a periodical called Choice, published by the Assn. of College and Research Libraries, reflected the reaction of many of her colleagues. “Any book by Gimbutas will find ready acceptance in college libraries,” it said, “but this one is certainly disappointing. . . . Unsupported–and, one must assume, unsupportable–assumptions are numerous throughout the text.”



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Among many archeologists, too, Gimbutas’ work on this book was discounted. “I lost some of my friends,” she says, “because to them, to speak of spirituality is crazy. (To them,) archeology is just a material thing: You can describe the climate, the conditions, the soil, the houses, the tools–that’s it.” Gimbutas, in contrast, drew on bodies of knowledge not usually associated with archeology, notably folklore and mythology. She is unquestionably well-equipped, as she began studying folklore and mythology as a child in Lithuania, and by her own estimate has a reading comprehension of “at least 20 to 25 European languages.”

While most scholars were not impressed by her interdisciplinary approach, feminists with a spiritual orientation, who found wisdom and solace in goddess-oriented mythology, embraced her as a heroine. To them, the book offered hope that their ideals–including harmony between the sexes, reverence for nature and existence without warfare–were not just theoretical possibilities but realities of past societies.

Even so, it was not until two eminences of the spiritual and feminist communities acknowledged Gimbutas that her ideas received wide exposure. One was Joseph Campbell, the celebrated mythologist who died in 1987. A friend of Campbell’s named Barbara McClintock, director of public programs at the C. G. Jung Institute in San Francisco, says Campbell considered Gimbutas “one of the few people on the planet who understood the ancient world, because she could bring her imagination to it and not just act like a scientist.” In the last few years of his life, Campbell turned to Gimbutas for insights into ancient cultures, and he wrote the foreword to Gimbutas’ latest book, “The Language of the Goddess,” which is scheduled for publication in October by Harper & Row.

Equally significantly, a book called “The Chalice and the Blade,” written by Riane Eisler, used Gimbutas’ ideas as its cornerstone for arguing that features of modern civilization such as patriarchy, warfare and competitiveness are recent historical developments, introduced by the villainous Indo-Europeans. Far from being inevitable, Eisler claims, the ills of modern civilization can be blamed on its unbalanced embrace of masculine values.


Societies that cherish the Earth, as Gimbutas and Eisler argue that the Old Europeans did, would not waste their wealth on nuclear arsenals, nor would they allow life on the planet to be threatened by environmental problems. Published in 1987, “The Chalice and the Blade” is now in its seventh printing and enjoys a kind of cult prominence within the women’s movement.

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By now, Gimbutas has had a dramatic effect on many artists, a fact that delights her. Some female artists have been stunned to discover that images they created, though apparently springing from their imaginations, were identical to prehistoric goddess sculptures reproduced in “The Goddesses and Gods of Old Europe”; others found that Gimbutas’ work deepened their understanding of their own art. So exhilarated was a New York artist named Mary Beth Edelson that she embarked on an odyssey to locate a cave on an island off the Yugoslavian coast that the book mentioned as a site of prehistoric goddess art. Using maps in the book as a rough guide, Edelson found the cave, disrobed and, using time-lapse photography, depicted herself performing a ritual. The photo appeared in art magazines and was shown at the Corcoran Gallery of Art in Washington.

Expressions of public support for Gimbutas are slowly accumulating. Last year, for example, Christopher Castle, an artist and art-gallery owner in Point Reyes Station, Calif., held a ceremony to honor her: As she looked on, about 15 people sat in a circle and took turns discussing how her work had touched them. One of the women used Gimbutas’ writings in a graduate-school class she taught called “The Goddess Emerging.” Drawing on the ancient aesthetic Gimbutas has described, another woman teaches a course called “Dances of Old Europe.”

Nevertheless, Gimbutas remains a black sheep within academia; even colleagues who admire her other work express skepticism about her description of ancient Europe. Edgar C. Polome, a leading Indo-European scholar at the University of Texas and co-editor of a volume of essays published in honor of Gimbutas, calls her portrayal of Old Europe “a bit of a dream world.” Kees Bolle, a UCLA religion history professor and a friend of Gimbutas’, says she has “a peculiar romantic strand” that causes her to “overestimate” pre-Indo-European societies.

Most archeologists think that Gimbutas’ interpretation goes far beyond the tentative conclusions that can be drawn from her data. Ian Hodder, a Cambridge University archeologist whose field of expertise overlaps Gimbutas’, calls her work “extremely important” because it provides a “coherent and wide-ranging review of the evidence,” but he rejects her interpretations of symbols. “She looks at a squiggle on a pot and says it’s a primeval egg or a snake, or she looks at female figurines and says they’re mother goddesses. I don’t really think there’s an awful lot of evidence to support that level of interpretation.”

Such criticism does not ruffle Gimbutas, perhaps because the adversities she overcame early in her life were far more threatening than her colleagues are now. As a graduate student in Lithuania, she was forced to go into hiding when the Soviet Union occupied her country in 1940 and sent many of her friends and relatives to Siberia. The German army moved into Lithuania soon afterward, and for a year Gimbutas hid her husband, who was trying to evade German conscription, and two Jewish women in a country home at great personal risk. When the Soviets returned to Lithuania in 1944, she knew she had to flee. By then she had a 1-year-old daughter, and she left carrying nothing but her baby in one arm and her master’s dissertation, on Lithuanian burial rites, in the other. Gimbutas, her husband and daughter eventually made their way to Vienna, carrying false papers.

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For the next five years, Gimbutas coped with destitution while managing to get her Ph.D. from the University of Tubingen in Germany. The family immigrated to the United States in 1949, and Gimbutas soon got a research position at Harvard University’s Peabody Museum; the job, however, paid nothing, so Gimbutas worked at night and on weekends, pasting flowers on paper for the university’s botany department, crushing oranges in a factory, even selling encyclopedias. It was only after she won a foundation grant in 1953 that the need for a second job disappeared.

Then the only female archeologist at Harvard, she resented being barred from some university libraries and dining halls because of her sex, and when the chance came in 1963 to teach at UCLA, she accepted. A year later, she became a full professor, and during the next 15 years she led five excavations in Europe. She has written 18 books and more than 200 articles.

With characteristic determination, Gimbutas continues to promote her view of ancient Europe despite the harsh criticism it has received. On more than one occasion, she has used the question period following a colleague’s public lecture to scold him for not embracing her theories. Hodder, whom Gimbutas reprimanded in this way, says her manner was “very kind and constructive.” But other scholars have not been so appreciative.

At the same time, stories of Gimbutas’ generosity and support abound, to the extent that some of her admirers compare her to the Mother Goddess her work celebrates. Indeed, Gimbutas, a roundish, grandmotherly woman with a pronounced Baltic accent, seems unable to resist acting maternally. For example, while many academics go to great lengths to maintain secrecy about their work until it is published, she often has shown unpublished material to other scholars, sometimes to her eventual regret.

Now suffering from lymphatic cancer, Gimbutas spends most of her time at her home in Topanga Canyon, marshaling her energy to complete yet another book on goddesses before her illness overtakes her. Surrounded by an orchard of 60 trees, the house offers close proximity to nature. For Gimbutas, that is a necessity, for she believes that she must be attuned to the natural world to understand the goddess cultures. “I communicate with the trees around me,” she says. “This is part of my work.” Certain that her ideas will prevail, she predicts that “it will take maybe 10 more years or so for the goddess to be accepted by archeologists.”

In some ways, the controversy reflects a classic conflict between science and art. To scholars who think that archeology is legitimate only to the degree that it is grounded in science, Gimbutas’ grandiose claims are too farfetched even to merit consideration. And she considers her colleagues too passionless, too unintuitive, too alienated from nature to understand the prehistoric past. Gimbutas’ theories are suspect, conceivably flatly wrong, yet they resonate far more than her colleagues’ arid treatises. Whether or not the world she describes existed, her advocates feel as if they’ve glimpsed it, and long for its return.


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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized




Stop Asian Hate Now!



The True Spirit of America Party has a strong message to anyone who engages in, supports, fuels, or condones any acts of hate or discrimination against Asian and Pacific Islander Americans.  KNOCK IT OFF, YESTERDAY!  Period.  We at the TSAP have absolutely zero tolerance for any racism, discrimination, or hate crimes of any kind, and these recent anti-Asian incidents are absolutely unacceptable.

The fact that anyone in this day and age would actually vilify and blame Asians as a group for COVID-19 is absolutely despicable, and is no different than centuries ago when medieval Europeans would vilify and blame Jews for the Black Death and attack them as a result.  Yes, we know the national origin of this particular virus, but the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its leader Xi Jinping are NOT representative of an entire race, ethnicity, or nationality, no more than the GOP and Trump are somehow representative of all Americans or all white people for that matter.  And lest we forget, the notorious 1918 “Spanish” flu pandemic (which was many, many times worse than this one) actually originated in the USA (Fort Riley, Kansas to be precise), but of course you didn’t see anyone blaming or vilifying Americans for that.  These sorts of toxic fallacies have very tragic and deadly consequences, as we have recently seen.

And to all of you cowardly bystanders out there during all of this, the time to step up to the plate is also yesterday as well.  If racists know you won’t do anything about it, they will just keep on doing it.

We extend our greatest condolences and sympathy to the victims of this horrific and deplorable rash of hate crimes along with their friends and families as well.  


College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized



SATURDAY, MARCH 20, 2021  see his original article here,

you might see the charts bigger -



Rasa says – count on Ajax to come along with

the good ones…..he is believed by many to be the reincarnation of

Buckminster Fuller – not a bad credential


Plot Twist: It Was Seasonality All Along



With the latest hand-wringing over the March surge of COVID in some European countries, there seems to be a lot of head-scratching and finger-pointing as to why.  And the usual suspects (lifting restrictions, people letting their guard down, new variants, etc.) don’t really seem to hold water this time, if they ever really did.  Turns out, it is most likely due to seasonality, and its interaction with the level of herd immunity in the population, and has been all along.  See the following tweets below:

Apparently, a study from a year ago found that the virus has an ideal temperature range of 41-52 F, and an ideal low absolute humidity that translates to roughly 47-79% relative humidity in that temperature range.  So in Europe and the northern USA, regardless of what restrictions were in place, the virus logically surged in the fall and early winter when passing through the ideal range on the way down, then dropped like a stone from mid-January to mid-February, then is either plateauing or rising again in late February and March when passing through that range on the way up.  And after about three weeks or so, it will most likely plummet monotonically to a low baseline through the spring and summer.  The Sunbelt of course has a different seasonality, so the virus is still dropping there even with restrictions generally being lifted faster there.  Last year, their surge occurred in June and July, when they had a relatively COVID-naive population.  But given the combination of herd immunity and seasonality overall, the virus should continue to plummet to a low baseline there as well.  Regardless of restrictions.

Of course, there are other factors as well.  In the winter, people are indoors more, where the virus spreads much more easily (especially with closed windows and thus poor ventilation), and it is also “broken immune system season” (which stretches roughly from November through April) due to low Vitamin D levels from relative lack of sunlight.  But this latest nuance about the ideal temperature and humidity range for the virus explains even more still.

As for vaccines, it is notable that cases began plummeting even well before a significant chunk of the population was vaccinated, and by the time it began falling at a slower rate or even rising again, a good chunk had already received the shots.  So seasonality is an even stronger factor that vaccines, apparently.  And bringing together a large number of people at a time, including many vulnerable people, at mass vaccination sites is ironically a very efficient way to spike the curve in the short term before the immunity from the vaccines fully kicks in (which takes at least two weeks if not longer).  Gibraltar apparently learned that lesson the hard way.

(Furthermore, the ever-insightful Bill Sardi has a theory that there may be a darker reason why many places with the highest vaccination rates are seeing spikes now, but only time will tell if that theory pans out.  Or perhaps it briefly increases susceptibility before it fully kicks in.  Either way, we should know one way or the other by April or May at the latest.)

So far, as of March 20th, the USA has largely dodged the European surge in March, with only Michigan and New Jersey seeing significant (but modest) recent increases.  But many other northern states above the 37th parallel, where it is still chilly and in season for the virus, progress has temporarily stalled.  But make no mistake, this stalling and/or reversal of progress is temporary, fairly brief, basically inevitable, and NOT related to the lifting of restrictions too soon or quickly, lack of masks or mask mandates, new variants, Spring Break, or vaccine hesitancy.  None of these “usual suspects” jibe well with the statistics.

UPDATE:  When looking on Worldometer at the data for three countries/territories that were first out the gate for mass vaccination and had the largest vaccination rates in January–UK, Israel, and especially Gibraltar–we can clearly see a massive super spike in COVID cases (and then deaths shortly after) for a few weeks, followed by a sharp and massive drop to a low baseline upon finally achieving herd immunity (by both infection and vaccination in a two-for-one special, ironically).  And no March surge there either.  So it looks like these post-vaccination surges are fortunately brief (albeit tragically very deadly, especially in Gibraltar), and may partially explain the March spikes in later-vaccinating and slower-vaccinating countries, including some out-of-season tropical countries like Brazil, Peru, and even India as well.  Meanwhile, some of the least-vaccinated and slowest-vaccinated areas (such as Texas) and populations (such as Palestinians) have been interestingly seeing better trends than their highly-vaccinated counterparts.  Makes you wonder.

But seasonality seems to predominate overall right now in the non-tropics.  And we see that in countries like Italy and Germany, the March mini-waves are already slowing down and curling over before their new lockdowns would have had any effect–kinda like their first waves last spring did too.  Which we have also repeatedly seen elsewhere as well, of course.

(Exactly how much of such spontaneous curling over and decline of these epidemic waves is due to seasonality, herd immunity to one degree or another, attrition of the biggest superspreaders from the population early on, voluntary behavior changes in response to rising case numbers, reversion to the mean, or some combination of the above is not entirely clear, but any correlation with lockdowns and related restrictions is clearly spurious.)

Also, it seems that HCoV-NL63, one of the four endemic common cold coronaviruses, is currently surging in the Midwest.  Perhaps that little pest is being picked up as false positives for COVID-19 by the notoriously inaccurate PCR tests in some places?

And speaking of the Midwest, once again, we see that lifting vs. keeping restrictions (of any kind) seems to be at best quite irrelevant to the COVID-19 virus:

So, remind me again why our “leaders” decided a year ago in March 2020 to throw the hard-won wisdom of the ages out the window like so much garbage, in favor of emulating a brutal totalitarian dictatorship halfway around the world? And then when their voodoo clearly didn’t work, they not only persisted in their defection in the face of hard counter-evidence, but actually doubled and tripled down on it?

So call it whatever you want, just don’t call it science.


College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized




3-27-21 Lover’s turmoil & Changes




First of several dreams. There’s this male who is with a certain woman like married. But another female & I are both infatuated with him, looking at him, but we know he isn’t available & it would somehow be wrong to seduce him. But I do say,
“You know how easy it is to get a male to have sex with you.”
Then the next thing you know, he is walking away with her at his right, holding onto him – she has seduced him. I am hurt & disappointed, {know she did wrong} but not ‘down & out.’

*(THE OTHER WOMAN & I: I surmise this is Betty & myself infatuated with the ultimate Beloved, but he is with ME – believe it or not – my FLESH, it is the God Self dreaming. The God Self had not yet taken over, which eventually, the terrible conflict would be flesh vs God Self, & the flesh part HAD TO DIE & the God Self take over in order to have a good relationship.}
Now the OTHER WOMAN, not the one meant for him, Mrs. WRONG, has SEDUCED HIM & is going away with him. I don’t GIVE UP, I chase him while he’s with her.)

I rally my spirits & run over to him, he has his arm out to the left like a triangle, {hand on hip} & I put my arm into his. This MAKES HIM MAD. I see in this arm position like a bow of the ‘bow & arrow’ set, no arrow, just bow, & the middle of the bow forms an extreme two round parts touching each other, at first I think like lips, the I realize this symbolizes HEART. He says to me,

*(BOW, LIKE LIPS OR HEART: He cannot escape my heart, or the fact that he loves me, I him, & THIS MAKES HIM MAD because at the time, he WAS mad at me, not speaking to me – took off with the other woman, wanted to punish me for not doing what he wanted but he could not erase me from himself.)*
“Hold my SHIELD.”
And I say
It was a STRONG STATEMENT. Something was off about what he was doing – it was wrong – it was doomed to failure I’m telling him.

*(HOLD MY SHIELD: I tell him he HAS NONE. He is saying he has a SHIELD against my LOVE or HEART, that he can protect himself or steel himself against me, BUT HE CAN’T. The LOVE he has for me is indelible, embedded on him inside; he cannot stop it, escape it or remove it, so I tell him. And because of this, what he’s doing is WRONG {being with the other woman} & it’s DOOMED TO FAILURE.)*

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I am with Lover. We’re in a second floor room in a place I’ve never seen,

*(PLACE I’VE NEVER SEEN, WHERE WE ARE: Means a NEW REVELATION, being or seeing something new I might not have understood before or been aware of.)*

& for a moment I step onto the landing of the staircase to see what’s going on. I see some cops in black come in,

*(COPS IN BLACK: My vocabulary, cops are always ANGELS. Since there are 3 could be my GUARDIAN ANGELS because I have three. It means they’re bringing me a message or revelation, & they are in black explains, maybe ‘WHY THE FUNERAL’ or why he & I are apart. Or why he disappeared from social media temporarily {he removed himself – it seems to hide from me.})*

2 or 3 of them – from the left to right from outside onto the 1st floor hallway. Their outfits are not normal, they are kind of rounded like plastic curving around their heads {I know it sounds weird} like HOODS. I look back to the room we were in together & see he’s closed the door – why?

*(HE’S CLOSED THE DOOR, WHY? Why has he closed the door to me on social media? This will reveal the secret. COPS ARE WEARING ROUNDED HOODS that hide them completely – why he is hiding from me. He knows from the past that somehow I was looking at his social media except he did not know how, so he figured out a way how to hide {except GOD SHOWED ME HOW TO FIND HIM})*

The door has no KNOB or handle on either side, it’s one of those made of a thin layer on both sides, like plywood, only about a quarter inch thick – & inside the door 2 or 3″ hollow. I assume he closed the door for something private which could only be SEX, but nevertheless, I push open the door & walk in.

*(HE CLOSED THE DOOR, NO HANDLE EITHER SIDE, BUT I PUSHED IT IN: Hahaha, God showed me how to find his social media even though he fixed it so I for a while could not find it {about 3 months or so, not that I cared that much, but was somewhat curious at times, mostly never thought about him any more.})*

He’s on the bed, lying on his left side, facing the wall.

*(FACING THE WALL: A definite sign of DEPRESSION. Wearing MY HAIR is our ONENESS – he is me, I am he, because we are MYSTICALLY MARRIED or one SPIRIT, bonded, united.
No HANDLE EITHER SIDE is I have no social media he can spy on me on – no handle – & he did the same TO ME – tit for tat. {He is incredibly revengeful.}
His motive for this nonsense? He tried to get my gander for a long time, on social media, putting all sorts of innuendos & issues to get me riled up or jealous, but I responded to nothing. So now he says to himself ‘I will fix it so she doesn’t see me any more, that’s one way of getting even with her for not responding, haha’……Except I got around him.
The THIN construction of the door plus it is HOLLOW is what?
How EASY it was for me to GAIN ACCESS once I saw the trick. In other words, not a solid door, not IRON or so heavy you can’t move it – light & easy.)*

His hair is a female’s – exactly like I once saw of a super-busty stripper named Candy, platinum blonde, part of it crimped. He’s taken on her identity I sense.

*(HAIR, PLATINUM, CRIMPED: Crimped hair is done with an IRON. It’s a series of WAVES. This MIGHT show stubbornness, hardness in my THOUGHTS or ATTITUDE, that is, me deciding not to see him & therefore not to have sex with him. Hair is the thoughts coming out of the head, being IRONED shows being made a CERTAIN WAY that cannot be easily changed, it is SET IN ITS WAYS OR WAVES.)*

We were being affectionate on the bed before, but not sex, but he’s inviting me. I wasn’t quite ready, but I comply. He’s now naked, covers off, thin, white skinned like a ghost with grey shadows {I know it’s hard to picture but you know how people have dark spots under or around their eyes, his body is white, like a ghost almost, but there are shadows accentuating it.}


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As I lay myself over his body, with his dick close to my face to the right, I don’t really want to have sex, but I will do it to make him happy. Then something startling happens. His body morphs into two people, two bodies close to each other, both him, like twins. One of them has that hairdo like mine, the other I don’t know what.

*(HE MORPHS INTO 2 BODIES, ONE HAS MY HAIR: There might be more than one message here. The first, I already mentioned, he is me, I am he, we are one. But the second message now is he is trying to do to me what I did to him – ghosting me as I ghosted him, in other words, his typical revenge – which he has done to me for years. {He can’t learn his lesson to just do the right thing, he has to be immature & play games…..all he has to do is call me!}

His body, as I lay over it, has long strips of white elastic moist body fluids – like sperm or spit – it’s like several feet long from his knees to his shoulder. The whole business is strongly sexual, but right now, to be honest, I’m no longer into sex, I have lost my desire for it, so it isn’t a great feeling, but I’m ‘playing along with it.’

*(STRINGS LIKE SPERM: That’s what it’s all about, the revenge, the ghosting. I ghosted him for sex, he ghosts me on the media, haha, games. But this also shows he is tied to me BY THE STRINGS OF SEX, HE STILL CARES, STILL LOVES ME, WANTS ME. I have won the game.)*

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Then there’s this club. I am with my girl friend, talking. We are or I am at a loss to where my Beloved has gone, but the MYSTERY IS SOLVED. My lady friend tells me he now works at THIS CLUB where he’s some sort of a bouncer/manager, & the place is filled with waitresses, & he’s good looking & a whoremaster, so many of them go to the ‘COAT ROOM’ where he’s standing, helping put away people’s coats – I see a girl leaning on him front ways, as many have, with the thought they are going to do sex. It’s like he DOESN’T CARE – they’re just BODIES. Here he looks like a guy I knew was a bouncer who told me he had no feelings about sex, just wanted to get off, cold hearted.

*(LIKE THE GUY TOLD ME HE HAD NO FEELINGS ABOUT SEX, just wants to get off on their bodies: This is telling me he has no heart, no love, for these other girls, he does them with no feelings. But he doesn’t want me to know that, but I do know it.
The COATROOM implies SECRECY, a secret room or closet where no one sees.)*

I’m not dressed to go to a club or to see Beloved, but I have on my black bathrobe with the white lining, I put the HOOD over my head. My hair is long & crimped – it’s beautiful, thick. Lady friend is also casually dressed, but for some reason, we go to the club, thinking we could go incognito, covered up like this – but – alas, he recognizes me!

*(BLACK BATHROBE WITH WHITE LINING OVER MY HEAD, I HOPE HE DOESN’T RECOGNIZE ME, BUT HE DOES: According to this, he knows I have discovered him – not sure how he knows unless he’s psychic or has a dream. This says I wanted to hide or be incognito, but it doesn’t work.)*

I had my back to him, & my side, where you can’t see my face, & the robe basically hides my body, & yet, from my walk & somehow he knew it was me & he said, “OH NO” meaning I had FOUND HIM as he tried to ESCAPE ME. But you see, my lady friend knew where he was somehow!

*(MY LADY FRIEND: Is who? My God Self figured it out?
HOW HE RECOGNIZES ME: I must ask Mother God, it baffles me. In the dream you can’t see my face, but my hair does show, it’s that crimped platinum blonde hair, very full. I had no makeup on, not fixed up, not ready, didn’t want him to see. How did he see me?

MOTHER GOD: The hair represents your will, mind, thoughts, & that connects with feelings. He SENSED it or READ YOUR MIND as you read his.
He KNOWS you don’t want to see him or him you yet – that you aren’t ready. He’s trying to be strong like you, but he isn’t, just stubborn.
He made a post/poem about being BROKEN HEARTED – but he DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS – on his social media. He said, among other things,
* you are beautiful
* he talks about your hair – & look – in these dreams the HAIR is PROMINENT
* you drive him crazy & he cannot focus {he is not talking about his common law wife Betty, it is obviously you, you are not there, you have broken his heart. Betty is waiting there with her thighs open, haha.}
* his pain is great & the drugs numb it
And so, case closed. All this REVEALS SOMETHING.)*

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In the last dream its the principals in the previous dreams have gathered in a ‘final place’ – it’s lovely. It’s like a CABIN, not exactly rustic but COZY. It’s a ‘big/small’ room – if that makes any sense. A room to hold all that we need, but not empty or stark, cozy like. I see this FIREPLACE that is NOT lit up now, but IT WILL BE when we get SET UP in the future. The lighting is not bright or dim, it’s like soft & in the shade, seems to be surrounded by woods, a cabin in the woods, but not remote woods, sort of like here where I am.

*(FINAL DWELLING, BIG BUT SMALL, COZY, FUTURE: This once again, for the thousand-th time, recants that he will be with you. You will have all you need, not ostentatious or luxurious, homey, cozy, a good feeling. This, when all is said & done, is your future.)*

There’s a man here that seems important. We all spent just a bit of time here, going through all our things, our baggage, which is dark & rolled up in bundles, but we mustn’t TARRY, we have things to do & I feel WE WILL BE BACK. The fireplace seems to be the only thing I see in a bit of detail – the rest of the room isn’t furnished, just filled with our belongings in piles – those of myself, this imp man & not sure who else.

*(BELONGINGS, BAGGAGE, PILED UP IN BUNDLES: There is still baggage or impediments to our being together, being dark in this context probably mean ‘in the dark’ or I don’t know what it is. The imp man naturally is the Lover. God is saying we will be here, or in the place of togetherness, when the time comes.)*

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The TILES line the FIREPLACE all around, on the outside, a border, base & front, on the inside. They are kind of WHITE, with a bit of green décor, like tiny border leaves, some beige somewhere. I take SPECIAL NOTICE of this fireplace because I know it will be CENTRAL to the coziness & comfort of this room when we occupy it.

*(FIREPLACE WITH TILES BORDERING IT OUTSIDE, INSIDE: Tiles are something PERMANENT like STONE. ‘Set in stone’ or tiles is ‘FOR SURE, you can bet on the rock.’ This underscores once again our future relationship.
The FIRE is the WARMTH in our HEARTS & SOULS – our LOVE. Love comes from the heart, it is fire, passion. The heart is the furnace of the body, the engine, the fire, it makes it work. Without the heart, the fire, a house is not a home, a couple is not a relationship. That is why I told him when he went off with that girl it was wrong, he had to be with me. HOME is where the HEART IS.)*



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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized





3-26-21  Why Did You do This to Me God?



I present a puzzle before Mother God.  I know some things to do with mystical theology which are mysterious, I have lived through them all – but this.  This is a new one that makes people scratch their heads, causes more misunderstanding & unbelief than anything I’ve done.  

It brings up questions which for months have danced  in my head with no answers.  Yes, theories came to me but I felt no closure, no certainty – ideas unresolved.  

NO ONE BELIEVES that God told me ‘Quit your celibacy, go out & have fun.’  They attack me, men & women, that either I heard God wrong, God didn’t say it – or the usual chestnut,

“You just wanted to do what you did & said God told you.”

The men mostly say, when they get the nerve {on the internet, identities hidden, on social media}

“You just felt like having sex again.”

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No I didn’t!  Men have crazy, crazed ideas about celibacy.  They think when you stop having sex, you get hornier & hornier as time goes by so at the end of thirty years, I would have been pent up, like a man with ‘sperm backup on the brain,’ ready to go insane with horniness, set on running into the woods & fuck the first tree that comes along, haha.  It isn’t like that at all, it is the OPPOSITE of that.

How many have practiced celibacy {not talking about 3 bag uglies that can’t get it, or so sick & old they don’t think about it, talking about those of reasonable looks & vigor that can get sex, but chose to become celibate}  so they know something about it?  The ones passing judgement are the usual suspects, popping their husband or wife, getting it on the side or here & there, & yet they HAVE AN OPINION.

It’s like those who are not saints, never tried to become one, & yet, they KNOW IN THEIR HEART what a saint is, how a saint does; they would know a saint if they saw one.  The truth is, ‘they wouldn’t know Jesus Christ if he walked up to them & tapped them on the shoulder.’

People have vague & brainwashed ideas.  Those who are ‘religious’ which means brainwashed, think sex is dirty so no saint would ever, under any circumstances, have sex.  If you ever had sex, practice nudity or ‘fornication’ or anything sexual, if you pose nude or take nude images, you are DEFINITELY not a saint!  Case closed.  No human in the adult trade, no prostitute {adult therapist}, no nude model, no pin up queen or king, no whore or slut {sexually active woman}, no gigolo or gigalette, no fornicator, no masturbator, no nothing/no one that has ANYTHING TO DO WITH SEX can be ‘high up’ in the Heavenly registrar of God.  Of course – if they REPENT – everyone has a chance, the religious will give you that.  {And these Pharisees, how many of them follow these beliefs?  They don’t.  Jesus said to them, ‘Whoever has not sinned, cast the first stone’ – & they all crept away.  And the Lord also said, ‘The prostitutes will go into Heaven before you.’}  So much for the phony creeps.

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My point of view is not about becoming a sinner – as I have long given up the belief that sex is sin – It’s a Patriarchal ploy to control women, the double standard proves it.  In Matriarchy sex was not dirty, it was Sacred, the words whore & slut were not coined, women were Goddesses whatever they did, they were in control, they had sex with whom they pleased, as much as they pleased.  They were the Priests, not the men, they governed the family & the world, they controlled finances.  There wasn’t any hypocrisy, therefore, & no POVERTY – the world was one of LOVE.  Jesus said He’d be back when you could not tell the ‘summers from the winters – global warming’ which means HIS SPIRIT OF LOVE will return, that spirit is MATRIARCHAL / Goddess oriented / woman run – Matriarchy.

And so, I am not asking our Dear God why did She make me GO OUT TO SIN – NO, no, no!  I am asking her the following, pictured in this tale:

On the Twilight Zone there’s a story  {‘A Nice Place to Visit} of a cop-killer, criminal, thief, who after a robbery, tries to escape, climbing a wall, he shoots a cop then get a bullet in the head.

He wakes up to the feet of a portly man dressed in white, who escorts him to a fabulous place of luxury where he can have anything he wants.

He wants to gamble, drink, & have the sexiest women on the planet at this beck & call – it is provided.  So he does what he does, fucks his brains out, longs for rest, the women keep bothering him.  It’s tedious, day in day out.  Then he asked ‘fatso’ if he can go out & rob a bank, fatso says yes, he’ll provide it.

Then crime-hog has second thoughts, he begins to muse like what is he doing here?  It’s getting to his head, he feels like he’ll go NUTS if he stays any longer.  He says to ‘fatso,’ like ‘Hey, what did I do to deserve this anyway?  I belong IN THE OTHER PLACE!’  Let me out of here!  But he can’t get out.

Then fatso says to him, ‘What makes you think you’re in Heaven?  THIS IS THE OTHER PLACE!  {Roaring laughter while crime-hog looks perplexed & shocked.}

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OK God, I DID NOT DESERVE THIS, did I?  You took me out of a quasi-Heaven of NO DESIRES, certainly my sex drive was gone, & you got me fueled up, getting dressed up, going downtown every weekend, waiting to hook or get hooked for sex, drinking & driving, raging sex drive now tormenting me – all because I thought THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO, I did nothing but OBEY GOD, & what did it get me?  Torment, lowering my consciousness, loss of intimacy with God, & in the end, multiple anxiety attacks with stomach aches, hiatal hernia attacks, chest spasms & FIVE HEART ATTACKS.

Yes, I lost my INTIMACY WITH GOD – what medium degree I had at the time, {no I wasn’t in absolute perfection as I had been – no one can be ‘at the top’ all the time, like seeing God face to face, but I was in a good state, at peace, no raging desires, no getting drunk, no making a fool of myself with low-minded boys, none of that.}

What happened during those twelve years of trying to ‘have fun’ is I lost the PEARL OF GREAT PRICE.  And what is that?  Everyone who is anyone spiritually knows that the greatest treasure anyone could ever have is the sense of the PRESENCE OF GOD – Intimacy with her.  What does it mean?  It means you sense, hear, feel, taste, see, perceive  the knowledge that God is with you, actually PRESENT.  You hear the STILL, SMALL VOICE of God within, certainly when you channel or when an emergency comes up, God might even interrupt & say something {that is rare, btw, only in emergencies from what I’ve experienced, usually warnings of danger, or answers to mysteries you’re pondering, you hear God give a quick answer.}

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As you immerse into the flesh, the feelings of it, the sense of it, that spiritual sensitivity is darkened, befuddled, silenced even {what St. Thomas Aquinas said, lust causes spiritual blindness} – gets more & more jumbled, confused, overridden or grossed out.  All the saints know that the spirit of the world & flesh is contrary to the spirit of the rarified places – not because the lower things are necessarily sin or evil, it’s that they are of a different sort.  The spiritual world – to be in it – you must distance yourself from the world & the flesh, you must leave it behind, you must rise up to the clouds or climb up the palm tree & watch the barbeque folk below.  You cannot sink down too much, too far, too low, or you lose the high places. Yes, you can remain in the world, but ‘not of it,’ you must continue, {as hard as it is}, to see the world & flesh objectively, not subjectively.

Once I got in the habit & routine of going downtown, looking for dates while drinking in the bars, the Light slipped away.  It happened step by step, lower & lower, until the world was present but God was distant.  And when I fell in love & became obsessed, ALL WAS LOST.  It was so spiritually awful that I know God was no longer FIRST, God was second, because I thought I could not live without this man – that is the greatest DISASTER.  

I knew I was wrong by every spiritual law:  ‘Put first the Kingdom of God, & all shall be added unto you,’ ‘God is a jealous God,’  ‘Put no strange Gods before me’ {which means put nothing before Me/God.}

But I also knew that it was God, whom I love, who told me to do this, & I obeyed, kicking & screaming, saying no twice, & the third time God insisted & I obeyed.  And so, where had God led me into, the no Saint’s land of the shallows & wastes of human sense?  And why?  Why would the Almighty send me down into the depths from herself?  Why would she force me to lose her, & be a fool among fools, a lost sheep among goats?  Why?  There must have been a purpose that I don’t see, that may develop in future.

The only way I was able to come back to God, the INTIMACY – oh, praise the Lord!  Was by absenting myself from the Beloved – staying away, at first, not on purpose, the pandemic blocked my way.  But then, I did not struggle against the odds, I stopped going downtown.  Another reason was a while back I hurt my hip, & now the other leg kicked in so I had two bum legs & walked with a limp & pain – that sure deterred me from prancing around with college kids.

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Month by month the romantic/sexual desire for him went away, & with it sex desire for anyone became a thing of the past – I was FREE AT LAST, & what a wonderful feeling, as I had been enslaved, by the command of God, for twelve years!  The turmoil is gone, the longing, the frustration, confusion, all the bad stuff, I am feeling One with her again, my God – I regained what yogis call ‘NONDUALITY’ – a rare consciousness of God Alone, God & myself, no one else, nothing stands between us.

So now it seems apropos that I might ask God to explain a thing or two, whether She answers I don’t know, let me try.  OK God, can you now give me any answers?  Why did you take me to THE OTHER PLACE?

MOTHER GOD:   I had you re visit a place of darkness, where most people dwell, for your own good, to remind you of what you were saved from.  Then you could all the more rejoice in what you had gained.

ME:   But why?  You think I had forgotten what life was like before?  I don’t get it.

MOTHER GOD:   You will.  There is a second reason.  You had to go to this Hell hole to retrieve a Lost Soul – your Beloved Mate.  In time he will be with you.  Had you not gone down there, he would have been lost spiritually, mentally & physically.

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In future he will be with you & get off the drugs.  It sounds far fetched but I told you the very day you met him,  ‘This is your husband but it will be a slow boat to China.’  {That was July 2011}  That shore is getting closer.

Now had you remained in the Obsessive state the events that are & will take place would have been delayed even more, you have to have quality control in this relationship, you must be in charge, & that means no obsession, you make the rules, you hold out, you call the shots – otherwise his demons would rule & you could not bring him up, he’d continue to pull you down.  So losing the sex drive once again, after having a raging one for a while, all had to be.  Not an easy path, but congratulations for having traversed it & succeeding.

I might add that the lowlife males you met during this time – thieves, drug addicts, delinquents, etc., who you dealt with also gave you needed EXPERIENCE, to deal with the situation.  You cannot be naïve, blind, unaware of what these guys are like, including him, you have to be armed with knowledge, so that is why we permitted you to be with males like K-Hell & Marcel & others, so you could LEARN.  He now will be unable to pull the fast ones on you, as the others already did, you nip it in the bud.

ME:   OK, Mother God, I am getting real tired.  That’s enough for now, thanks a lot for the help, I feel edified.  Glory to you oh Mother God.

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized






Chapter 9  {In the Context of my Life Story}  ISFG3


I’m going to channel Mother God – the God within myself, for answers.  I will ask her to tell me about abuse in the context that applies to my life story, not an entire book on abuse, but a chapter that covers the basics \. I know abuse is a VAST subject & I don’t mind going into some farther issues where it applies, but I don’t right now wish to cover the entire forest, just some trees & references to the vast Taiga when applicable.  So let me begin by asking Mother God, what is abuse?



   Abuse is when someone on purpose, takes away the happiness or pursuit of it, which God intended, from another creature. 


We have certain assumptions, that God wants us to be happy.  When this happiness is impeded, directly or indirectly, through the fault of someone else, that is abuse.  The abuser would have reasons for their behavior.  It could be ignorance {‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do’ Jesus said magnanimously, giving them CREDIT for ignorance, where some might not have been, they might have had MALICE, but Jesus asks God to forgive them across the board, no matter why they did it.}

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  Then there’s all the things you cover that were done by your family & others to you – Hate, malice, not caring, jealousy, revenge, & anger.  When people abuse others it also comes under the heading ‘I will be rewarded for hurting the other creature’ in some way – this would be under ‘not caring.’  This would be those who kill for money or rewards, some sort of advantage.  Their own pleasure/reward makes them impervious to the desire the other has for life. Then there are soldiers who are told to torture prisoners, who are given, after the abuse, sake or whiskey & women.


Put in the most simple way, abuse is when someone takes away your happiness on purpose.


ME:   In the Catechism is says that God made us to know, love & serve her, & be happy with her on earth & in Eternity.  So that would be a good point of departure.


We are made for happiness, it is what God intended, it is the foundation of our being.  And so if anyone interfered with that on purpose, that is abuse.  Baba Muktananda said happiness is our natural state, & take away obstacles or blocks, that’s how we are at base.  OK, let’s now get to more specifics.


What was the main way my Mom abused me?

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MOTHER GOD:   She demoralized you, in other words, took away your MORALE. 


 “to deprive (a person or persons) of spirit, courage, discipline, etc.; destroy the morale of”


THESAURUS {similar words or synonyms}

cripple, dampen, daunt, debilitate, deject, disconcert, 

dishearten, disorganize, dispirit, disturb, embarrass, 

sap, undermine, unsettle, upset, weaken, chill, damp,

disarrange, discountenance, disorder, disparage, enfeeble,

jumble, muddle, rattle, shake up, get to, psych out,

take apart, take steam out, unglue, disempower


GOOD MORALE:   emotional or mental condition with respect to cheerfulness, confidence, zeal, etc., especially in the face of opposition, hardship, etc.:


good attitude, good mood, good resolve, self-confidence

good spirit, self assurance, good disposition, strong drive

happy heart, good humor, mettle, positive outlook, 

self-possession, good temper, good temperament, vigor


ME:  What was her main way of destroying my morale?


MOTHER GOD:   She made you feel unimportant, unworthy of love, attention or recognition.


ME:  What was her exact intention?

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MOTHER GOD:   In a sense, to defeat or kill you, the way an army on one side intends to kill the other.  She could not kill you physically, but emotionally she wanted to destroy you.


ME:  Did she, with her accomplices, succeed?


MOTHER GOD:   Obviously, not, but you had to fight against the temptations thrust upon you, all the negatives she/they gave you.


ME:  There are so many questions & obviously they were mostly answered within this book, the whys & wherefores, but we can review some of this again & summarize or digest it.  How important were the family members she brainwashed in hurting me as well?  That is, how much help was it to her?  Could she have succeeded in hurting me that much by herself?


MOTHER GOD:   The accomplices were exceedingly effective in her battle against you.  She did not fight alone, it was them against you.  The only ones who did not harm or hurt you were your Dad & your Uncle, the rest followed her, it was a lot to endure.


ME:  Why did those who lived in our house – my bro & someone else – follow her so zealously without empathy toward me?  Didn’t they know they were doing wrong?  Weren’t they Christians, didn’t they also go to Church & hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ?


MOTHER GOD:   Simply because she was the power, the head of the family.  She could withhold or grant rewards, such as privileges or punishments.  They got the privileges, you got the punishments.  She did not pursue them at their jobs & get them fired; they were supported in their pursuits & ways of making money.  But you of course, were pursued & got fired when she told the bosses you did not have her permission to work {on the pretext you were neglecting your school work.}  So they were empowered, you were disempowered, they were encouraged, you were discouraged…..They heard the same gospel you heard, but did not apply it to you.   

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ME:   Of course, until she got me fired from jobs in Middletown, I did save a few shekels to buy some clothes or whatever I needed.  How would you rate the abuse she did on me in getting me fired from jobs, & then not giving me any of the money the family shared.  Let’s not forget my Dad was also helping – I got no money for anything.  How serious in terms of abuse was that?


MOTHER GOD:   It was serious, it was illegal – but you didn’t know that.  You had no rights in the family according to her, but by the law, even an animal has rights.  She beat you with her fists, slapped you in public for nothing, demoralized you, deprived you of food, clothing, school materials – everything.  She bad mouthed you to family, school, friends, everyone that listened; she destroyed your reputation or image with them.  Only your own personal friends stood by you, but she sent them away when they came to the door with a birthday cake. 


ME:   If I had known then what I know now, could I have gone to school officials or the police & outlined my case?  And maybe got put into a foster home?  If only I had known a lawyer, I could have explained it, or a decent counselor at school {there were none} – a psychologist, anyone who would listen {no one did & I wouldn’t even know how to explain – when called before the counselor I could not explain myself & just ended up crying.}

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MOTHER GOD:   God meant for you to take all that abuse & you won, they did not defeat you, but it was hard going.  It’s one of those terrible trials of life like what Jesus went through & came out good in the end, it saved mankind.  So your story will be encouragement to many, especially females. 


ME:   If I had not been treated that way, would I have been more of a success, gotten farther in life, been happier?


MOTHER GOD:   Look at the saints, & imagine if they asked that question.  Your life would have been completely different had not all this happened.  The saints became what they were by going through Hell – the way to Heaven is through Hell.  Would Jesus have taken away his Passion & Crucifixion?  Would the saints wish they never got martyred?  Would the saints wish they hadn’t had Holy Poverty?


  Your trials & tribulations, along with your religious education, a good heart, a good resolve, the graces God gave you, made you what you are.  You achieved success in all realms, on all fronts.  You obeyed God, you preached in front of the White House, averting WWIII through the Message of Fatima. 


Do not regret any of your sufferings or pains from Mom, family or people of the world.  It made you what you are, it was a necessity.  You are now also going to write about how society abuses women through sex – how abusive the social norms are against women, how abusive toward women in the adult trade.  Had you not gone into the field, you could not help women in that area.

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Had you not got into the adult trade you would have been a professor, an ordinary woman, & you would not have changed the world.  But being as you were, with the experiences you had, you delved into all those fronts where you rose up out of the depths & onto the mountains.  You did the female body building thing, you did the Stripping for God, you did the female domination bit, & you got into Matriarchy-female empowerment.  If you had been a professor in a college, none of this would have happened; you would not have helped & changed the world for the better.  God could not have used you in the specific ways She did.


ME:   You convinced me. You put me in a different mind set – Like I should be grateful for all I went through, which I am. But I was planning to ‘take it apart’ or analyze it so others could become aware what it is exactly, what it is not, what to do about it, then, how to fight it, how to rise up out of it.


MOTHER GOD:   You cannot rise out of it by taking vengeance on those who abused you – Jesus did not. Everyone, as you know, has to be forgiven. As far as the temptations they put upon you to think low of yourself, of your life, that you did not deserve love, happiness or recognition, you had only to share the example of Jesus Our Lord, & his Saints, which you did. You imbibed into yourself their life stories & practiced all that they taught you within your own sphere of life – you were obedient to what you knew & zealous in spreading the word, no matter what it cost you.


ME:   No one believes I am of God, that I’m Holy or a Saint, that I have the Interior Divine Stigmata or that I saw God face to face – except perhaps a tiny group of people. Everyone else thinks it’s impossible for me to be the person I am because I was in the adult trade, I did a lot of sex, & I took images of men with hardons, etc. They think it’s impossible to be who I am.


MOTHER GOD:   That is fine, what does it matter? Their opinions cannot make or break you, as St. Francis said,


          “I am what God says I am, nothing more, & nothing less.”

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          Now consider how Saints, like Padre Pio, were hounded & persecuted. Think of the Faith Healers, how people wouldn’t leave them alone, they couldn’t get away, to the point some of them became nervous wrecks.

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          We hid Holiness within you, where people wouldn’t see it, so they would leave you alone. If they saw what was inside you, including the Gifts, you would be one hounded woman. You saw what it’s like to be hounded by men for your body – that was a pittance compared to what this would be. They would wait outside your house or apt to get the Healing touch, or your spiritual advice, or a blessing – I assure you, they would NOT leave you alone. You might even need body guards when you went out in public. And many of them are not friendly. Some are bad abusers, dangerous, some would want to kill you like they already have wanted to – you will speak of that in another book.


ME:   If my life was not abused & I went to college & became a professor, would I have attained the spiritual heights that I did, like seeing God face to face?


MOTHER GOD:   There is a chance you might have, but it would be less likely. Extreme pain made you reach deeper & deeper into God, for the lack of it; you might not have tried so hard or surrendered so fully. One has to become a martyr to get the Graces you got – the Holy Divine Stigmata & the Face to Face experience of God – You cannot see God & live.


ME: And the most important public event of my life – the Message of Fatima which changed the world totally – could that have happened?


MOTHER GOD:   No, that would not have happened as it did, obviously. It might have occurred somehow, but then again, I don’t know. I know it was God’s Will, & that could not be changed, God planned it that way, God planned your life, you lived it the way God planned it, the Fatima message happened, the events took place – God orchestrated it. Think no more, all occurred because it was supposed to. You were supposed to be the “Stripper for God,” God planned it that way. Just by you being obedient, it all happened. Had you not been obedient, it could not have happened.


ME:   Alright Mother God, I can’t think any more. Thank you for all this! – and Amen.

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3-21-21 – What is Abuse – continuation Chapter 9


          New insight – If I look on my family as a WOLF CLAN it makes sense. My Mom obviously was the Alpha wolf; she groomed her niece Mempho to take her place when she died.


          I LEFT the clan to form my own, because I am also an ALPHA woman/wolf. I would not take orders from Mom in sin, even though I obeyed her in all legitimate areas, {possibly more than I should have} I chose not to be under her jurisdiction.


          I went far away – to California – & formed my own clan when I had a daughter; she had 3 children, two of whom have 5 children, the one that was adopted out probably has children – I have 5 great-grandchildren I know of, there could be, I’m guessing, several by Lily – my first granddaughter Lily was born 1987 {some day I will find her.}


          Mempho controls what is left of the immediate family – many have died, parents, Aunt & Uncle, brother, so there are now 5 people under the jurisdiction of Mempho.


          My ‘wolf-woman’ clan has at least 8 ‘under me’ as Alpha, if the estranged one is counted; it is herself & her children as well.


          That is why Mempho & I will always be in conflict. She carries the Alpha title of the family I left behind, she cannot dominate me, I cannot dominate her, so if we disagree on anything there’s an argument & a conflict.

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          That takes the whole question into another zone, & I like the resolution, that we two as Alphas must agree to disagree, as neither can ever dominate the other.


          Now to the other questions – I ask Mother God, what is the correct way to overcome abuse, the kind which my Mother & her accomplices put on me?


MOTHER GOD:   “Let God arise!” {Joke, that is the exorcism.}

          Be mindful of your identity with God – who you really are, not what they are projecting onto you. Go like this:


“I am a child of God, created by God, & God ‘didn’t make any junk.’ All of God’s creation is Sacred & inviolate, it must fulfill its purpose the way God intended, to find its identity, its way, its happiness.”



“As a child of God who obeys her, I deserve to be treated with respect, love, & given recognition for being. I do not have to PROVE myself in an extraordinary way, merely refrain from sin in order to be respected & loved. Indeed, I have sinned & I hope to be forgiven, as I have repented. I do not expect cruel & unjust punishments for my sins, let me be corrected & punished in God’s way, that is all, I don’t need humans to weigh me, judge & condemn me. – {Except of course in a court of law if I have done crimes.} Those in authority over me, like parents, will correct me, Gurus will correct me, but only God decides ultimately what punishment I get through Holy Karma. And so, I resist unjust punishments & cruelties, I do not allow them under my skin, I do not agree with the cruel that want to destroy me. “



“I deserve life; I do not deserve people to take it away. God decides when I live, when I die. I obey the laws of God as taught in the best religions, those which preach love, those that say ‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you’ as well as ‘Love they neighbor as thyself.”

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“If anyone identifies me with the body & condemns me for it or uses me for it, I resist that sentiment. For example, if I am in the Adult Trade, I am not a thing to be used, denigrated & degraded; I give therapy to others of the sex nature. I am not my genital organs; I cannot be reduced down to my penis or vagina, breasts or rear end. I am a Soul from Eternity who has appeared as a body on earth – I am not that body exclusively, although I honor & prize my body – & others should as well. I am not to be used as merely a tool or machine for the pleasure of others, to be disdained or discarded when they are through.”



“I resist being judged for the appearance of my body alone – I am an eternal soul. If you judge me as beautiful, & for that alone I am loved, that does not gratify my soul. If you judge me as ugly, unattractive or boring for my looks, that are also pathetic because I am not merely this body – take a look at my heart, see if my heart is pure – pray to the Holy Spirit about it. If you ignore me because I don’t turn you on – it’s your loss – I should thank God you are not harassing me for sex, as your attention is unworthy & could bring me grief.”



“I have certain inalienable rights as a human being, a right to privacy, a right to make my own decisions, a right to choose my own religion, a right to practice my own sexual lifestyle {as long as I don’t hurt anyone}, & any type lifestyle. I have the right to dress as I like, walk & talk as I like, without being judged, condemned, ridiculed, bullied, beaten & ostracized. Alright, if you want to ignore me, that is your privilege, but it is wrong for you to bad mouth me to others because I’m not like you. I don’t deserve your sins against me.”

 a3aaa5ff5c0dda7abf4747c26cbd2b9b Öèôðîâàÿ ðåïðîäóêöèÿ íàõîäèòñÿ â èíòåðíåò-ìóçåå mariya-magdalina-v-cvetochnoi-girlyande Öèôðîâàÿ ðåïðîäóêöèÿ íàõîäèòñÿ â èíòåðíåò-ìóçåå c64e1d7e6d03

“If I am in a household I deserve to be treated as well as is anyone else – I am not your scapegoat. Do not vent your hate, anger & frustration on me, which was put on you by other venues, do not use me as a whipping post, or as an object for your negativity or exploitative pleasure.   I am not a slave in the household, I do my part, you do your part, I deserve the same rights as other members of the house, & I also give those rights.”



“Even animals deserve respect; after all, we are animals, a species of ape. All life deserves respect, including insects; do not abuse insects, dogs, cats, farm animals, birds, no kind of animals or humans. Do not evaluate me as in some way unworthy or beneath you, there is a doctrine in Yoga called the ‘Equality of Consciousness’ that all created things are equal in the eyes of God, all life deserves to live, nothing is higher or lower. And so, I am neither higher nor lower than you, you are neither higher or lower than me, God decides where we will be in eternity, in Heaven, Hell, Purgatory; in the Highest Heaven or the lowest Hell, only God Almighty knows our place.”


ME:   Thank you Mother God, amen for now.

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized




3-19-21 Ruthie Steps Aside



This model IS NOT the ex-lover I speak of.  He was a DIRTY THIEF who robbed me of $2,400.  {But I had him arrested & retrieved the money.  It was in the suitcase in my house where he stashed it, he stayed in jail 5 weeks until someone bailed him out.  I never spoke to him again.}

Last night I asked a question, {re my Lover who is destined to be with me:}
What will happen to Ruthie & him? I mean if he is to live with me, & needs me to support him, what happens to her?”
I did not dwell on the subject but a moment & had this dream, which might be the answer .

My lover is here, I am with him on his premises. It’s a happy feeling. He says this weekend is mine, he’s taking me out. I wonder about his wife, she isn’t here. Did she go out of town & he’s taking advantage of this by being with me? {No one wants to be sloppy seconds, but for a while, I accepted it.}

*(HIS PREMISES, SHE’S NOT HERE, SLOPPY SECONDS, ETC: This was THE PAST, when you were having sex ‘behind her back.’ You felt like ‘sloppy seconds’ because he featured her as the wife with you as ‘back street’ – even though you preceded her.)*


So he & I are going out on the town, both equally happy, he’s tall, handsome, wearing mostly black with grey, & sort of prancing about the living room in front of the dark couch.

*(HE IN BLACK & GREY: In the next scene, it shows the wife dressed that way & says ‘her absence’ – so by inference, this could be he is absent from her, & it makes him happy.)*

Now the scene changes, same place, but his wife Ruthie is here, sitting on the couch, & I’m trying on clothes to go out with him – with her consent! This time she is wearing mostly black with grey.

*(SITTING ON THE COUCH: Means in this context, ‘BENCH WARMING.’ That would be NOT ACTIVE, not on the PLAYING FIELD, WAITING FOR A TURN TO ACT, maybe RETIRED FROM THE ACTION. And her APPEARANCE, black with grey is ABSENCE, NOT THERE, not there physically perhaps in the black, but could be there MENTALLY as in the grey {grey matter is BRAIN.} So conclusion might be ‘She is not with him physically but she is still there mentally.’
What does HER CONSENT mean?
Take that WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. She is FINISHED {the black} so she has no say, yeah or nay, she’s not there, it’s none of her business, she can’t stop you or protest or complain any more.)*


I have on a svelte red jumpsuit with suede light purple short boots, medium heel. Not sure if those were the first shoes I tried on, maybe the second. {There’s a total of three shoes/boots I try on. The first is I think normal leather, the second two are suede light purple.}

I am looking for more suitable boots – like a color that goes with this bright red pants suit & the last ones I try on are thigh high with high heels. I declare to all concerned this is not the right pair because no one will even see the boots under the long pants. The pants are slightly more form fitting under the waist, then they get loose & end up bell bottoms.


*(RED SUIT, LIGHT PURPLE SUEDE BOOTS: Red is PRESENT SUFFERING, BLEEDING, right now, while PURPLE, here light purple, is LONG SUFFERING. SUEDE is what? It is thick, tough, leather SKIN, but with a SOFT FINISH like the VELVET on antlers. This implies something HARD & TOUGH covered with something SOFT & SENSITIVE. This would be MY SKIN. This says ‘walk a mile in my shoes’ or ‘this is my experience.’ And my experience is ‘my yoke is sweet, my burden light.’

This hints that I have suffered so long, so hard, that I can handle it, that it doesn’t bother me any more – I can take it. So it’s LIGHT, not dark purple.

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And the RED JUMPSUIT/BELL BOTTOMS before going out is what? This gives multiple signs. One sign – to JUMP is to PLUNGE into something: ‘I’ll take the PLUNGE’ or ‘I JUMPED into that.’ It means ‘I’ll take a chance! – there’s a RISK, but I want to do it. Then there’s the BELL BOTTOMS. Bells are WEDDING BELLS!

Finally this makes sense! I will take the plunge into MARRIAGE with him – I will risk it although he made me suffer for years; I am used to this, I am strong for it {the suede leather is like antlers, strong underneath, sensitive or velvety on top} & I have suffered so long, it’s made me stronger {strong at the broken places, what doesn’t kill you makes you strong.})*


Ruthie is sitting there on the couch gesticulating, like she is part of helping me to get ready – it doesn’t MAKE SENSE as in the past she’s been extremely JEALOUS & HATED me being with him.

*(RUTH HELPING ME: Probably BY HER ABSENCE. Or maybe she’s sick & tired of his shenanigans – supporting him while he whores – so her gestures could be saying: ‘Take my husband – please.’)*

There was something strange about a woman who advertised – I see her picture in the air- to give a free hair cut, & he needs to go with me to get that. The woman I see in black & white, medium age, looks, medium hair to the bottom of the neck, just a matter-of-fact situation.


*(WOMAN WHO GIVES HAIR CUT, HE HAS TO GO WITH ME TO GET THAT: This is Samson & Delilah. She had to learn his SECRET to DISEMPOWER him, to CAPTURE him & make him SLAVE to the Philistines. {His hair was a symbol of being chosen by God, who gave him his strength. But God had rules. One rule was not to get drunk – but he did – substance abuse. While he was blacked out, Delilah cut his hair, the enemy got him & this time he could not break free. This woman – me – now BREAKS THE POWER HOLDING HIM, sets him free, & he falls under MY & GOD’S POWER.

He has to GO WITH ME to get that hair cut, means he has to be CAPTURED BY ME FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Prior to this, he gave HER the relationship instead of me, this says, she’s now out of the way, captured by ME.)*


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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized


1950 distant relations

Extreme left, Dad with glasses holding me age 5 – just got to the states -

unknown man, then Mom – the rest Lithuanian distant relatives & friends -

the old couple on left, front, brought us here to the U.S. & were going to get a

house for us but my Mom bitched her out



I Strip for God Part 3

3-18-21 Continue Chapter 8 Various Anecdotes

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“The Saturday school, I form ‘the Adventure Club”

“Working in a Hollywood Club, a Dancer takes Revenge”

“My Costume Maker Sexually Abuses Friend’s Dog”

“I Stop a Boy Swinging a Cat by the Tail”

“Hillbilly Hoods”


I am 6-8 years old. Dad has formed a ‘Saturday School’ where the Lithuanian Community kids can study subjects in our language, keep our culture going. Eventually this school diminishes down to one teacher, maybe 6 students, myself & bro included. {I don’t know why it was reduced to this. It started out with multiple teachers & lots of kids, we met in the large auditorium all sitting on cafeteria-style tables. Many subjects were presented & also pageants where we proved our abilities, be they sing, dance, recite poetry, play a musical instrument or read from an advanced Lithuanian book. I always recited poems. I can only guess there was attrition, dropping out, but why, I don’t know. It bugs me, though. Were they lazy or most importantly, didn’t want to pay? As the teachers were paid.}

We meet in the Church auditorium, but now only a smallish room to the side, a couple floors up. As usual, I had my disciples, {kids younger than me} & since I adored the Holy Virgin, I created a Club in her honor, where we had to wear rings with her image. My chelas were 3 & there was one requirement: they had to follow me in having an adventure a day; it was before class.

Mostly we explored the auditorium. There were many rooms. One day we went here & there, & after the jaunt it was time for class. We go to the big auditorium door – it won’t open. Panic. Now I tell the kids,

“God will save us. We must kneel in a circle on the floor, pray the rosary,”


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And so we did. Within a few minutes, BANG, the door opens & in walks a man. We don’t know him, but we scream & run through the door to the class – he’s startled. Ambling into class the male teacher gives us a stern look, we say nothing, but I proved that GOD WOULD SAVE US.




To depart from my childhood I give an anecdote from my Hollywood days.

I go to this club unlike most places I work. I liked theaters & go-go bars, those I was comfortable in. Usually did not have to rub shoulders with other dancers, I did my show & that was it. But here it was a small you might say ‘fancy’ or rather ‘pretentious’ club, with a Hoodlum manager, tall & handsome, well dressed, but his English gave him away.

This place was expensive. Had a band, mixed drinks, elaborate décor but tiny. Behind the scenes there were about 8 dancers, all squeezed into one room & that meant trouble. You have to be friends when inside a sardine can, but sometimes it doesn’t work – people turn against you for various reasons like misunderstanding & jealousy, & before I knew it, trouble came.

I was the newest member of those jailed & conversations went on. One of the females bragged to me about herself, can’t recall what, it went on & on. But to prove that she was specially favored by the band, she said they played ‘Night Train’ for her & her alone – whenever she went out. I was impressed, because Night Train was favored by all dancers, a famous tune with great rhythm. {Conversations backstage centered partly on us trying to impress one another ‘How great I am – I’m special – the basic nonsense.’ I usually just listened & asked questions, part of the fault I’ve been accused of – ‘being too nice’. One dancer from way back in the day told me via internet, how ‘sweet’ I was. I was NOT aware of being sweet or ‘too nice’ – I only heard it from people.}

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Now I came to the club that day dressed to the nines. I wore a cashmere beige custom-made suit with a mink collar, it buttoned in front with cloth-covered buttons – this ensemble cost me a pretty penny.

OK, now it’s my turn to go out & do my stuff & I emerge on the kind of dance floor I hated – not above but same level as the audience, straight floor. To this day I cannot stand performing on the same level as the people, I must be HIGHER UP, the higher the better, or I don’t feel right. Theaters & go-go bars all had stages like that.

So I go out there & the band charges up. Here comes NIGHT TRAIN! OMG, what will prima donna think?

I go back to the room, there is my suit. It’s the end of the night, she’s gone. But my suit is missing all it’s buttons. She took a scissors & cut them off. I ask if anyone has needle & thread & sew them back on. This is par for the course for me. Did I play the music or ask them to play it? No, it was their decision. But I paid for it.

It reminds me of all the times I had to pay for what other people said or did. For instance, Arnold Schwarzenegger hated me because of Playboy making fun of him when they featured the first female body building article on me {May 1977}. They said a woman’s muscles would not become ‘magic mountains’ like ‘Arnie Schwarzenegger’.

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Then I did an AM New York Show with Arnold & all the gang. They went bananas for me, praising me to the skies. Arnold was the last male to come out – he was looked at by other male body builders as their hero. But when he does so, Sandy York, a local comedian, takes off his shirt & flexes his skinny arms in front of Arnold, making him look foolish. Arnold is fuming.

We go back to the dressing room. It’s 7AM, none of us has had breakfast. I ask Franco Columbo, are we all going to breakfast together? And Arnold spits out
He was mad at me for other things, which I really did, like cuckolding him with Franco, but the things I did not do he also made me pay. Will explain elsewhere. In a nutshell, he tried but ultimately failed to get Lisa Lyon the credit I deserved {there is a God, She is on my side} for being the catalyst to get modern competitive female body building going.



Speaking of that club with the Night Train prima donna, I had a gay male dressmaker at the time. He was one of the ugliest males I’d ever seen, as his face had acne on top of acne, mountains of it.

He sold me a pair of beaded bikini pants from the style 1948 – convincing me they were the greatest thing since Josephine Baker, but when I got to the club I saw it was all wrong. He ripped me off for $40 – $331 today! & would not take a return – he knew he had robbed me. {This costume was a flop & with the females ganging up & bad-mouthing me, the Hood manager took me aside, & said in poor English that I was doing everything wrong & fired me. To be honest, I hated that place & was glad to go – you know how some places, though they might be plain & simple, appeal to you? But others, though they be fancy & luxurious, turn you off? It’s where you feel welcome or its opposite.}

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However, I digressed. This is about the ugly costume maker. One day this guy calls me up & says to me,

“My friend left his poodle with me while he went on vacation. Now I must take him to the vet but I am scared. Can you come with me?”

Because I love animals, I went – had no idea why he was scared of the vet, & to be honest, I was so naïve it took me YEARS to figure it out.

We get there & the vet puts the little dog on the table. Acne man says he won’t poop. The vet then proceeds with his fingers to take feces after feces out of the little guy’s rectum & says to Acne he was going to REPORT HIM to animal protection people. Acne pretends he doesn’t know why & I am baffled.

It took me YEARS to figure out that Acne was SODOMIZING poor little thing & pushing his feces way up into his intestines. My mind was unable to GRASP such an atrocity at the time. His friend would be coming back soon from vacation & he didn’t want him to know what he had done, obviously. And that explains why he was SCARED to go to the vet alone.




There was an evil boy in my grammar school – one of those that never graduates, stays in the 8th grade year after year until he turns 16, then he’s kicked out.

He was a class-A delinquent & should have got locked up in some sort of juvenile detention center, but he was in my school. Every day he caused mayhem, the principle would call his Mom & she’d say wearily,

“What has he done now?”

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When anyone saw him they’d stay clear, he knew he’d do something bad & he was violent. But one day I had to intervene. I was in the 6th grade, 12 years old, this guy was much bigger than me, I guess he was 15 or 16.

He had picked up a poor cat by the tail & spun around & around, laughing, the cat screeching, & no one did anything. Precious seconds went by, but he had to be stopped, so I jumped at him & began pounding on him & he dropped the cat.

That reminds me of other incidents closer to now. My hairdresser told me that on her way to the shop there was a dog tied in front of path to a trailer, in the sun at 98 degrees, no water, no shade, no respite, all day. I asked her where. In fact, it was on my way but I hadn’t seen it.

I went there & indeed it was as she said. I was going to unhook the dog but it had a lock I’d never seen before & could not figure it out. And so, the fence post his chain was on, I rocked & rocked it until it came loose, I pulled it out, got the dog by the barn in the shade – from under the barn came cold, wonderful air. I got him water, he was all set & so happy.

Country folk are as good or evil as anyone – they are the same – don’t let their fake smiles fool you. I was told one guy only went to his trailer occasionally – it was seasonal. He had six dogs tied up out there. I went to check on them – no water. I gave them water, then the guy woke up & came out. I told him the dogs had no water so I filled their bowls.

Right after that he came to my house & threatened my life – said people like me they shoot & bury in the woods. Then he asked me for a landscaping job. I scratched my head.


Another guy – I was on my island. My Rottweiler was in the muddy bank of this shack across the water. A guy on dope came out with a gun & points the gun at him, then at me, for what, I’m not sure. I started backing out of the mud – which took time as it was up to my knees - not knowing if he’d shoot the dog or me – & walked away on the island as fast as possible.   He yelled,

“I know where you live.”

Believe me, country people are not nice, nor friendly, nor anything better than city people or Hollywood celebrities, watch your back. And rumors? They have more rumors than mosquitos in the summer Arctic. Their lives are inconsequential, they are so uneducated, untraveled & ignorant, all they do is talk, talk, talk, & what comes out of their mouths is septic. I could write a book that would beat Peyton Place & ‘Harper Valley PTA”. When I came out here, being in the adult trade, they had a field day. But I’d still rather be me & take all that than be one of them. Of course, again, like anywhere else, there are good people as well, always the minority. No one wants to be a saint.

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized




3-14-21 Multiple Scenes-Lover Still Loves Me


I’m in my house but it melts into the old farmhouse appearance.  I’m dealing with things inside, then I go outdoors & a bit in front of it, maybe 40′ in front, behind a wire metal fence made of squares, & look back.  I think to myself that sometimes you have to look at your house from far away to see how it really looks, not the way you saw it subjectively.

*(GOING AWAY FROM THE HOUSE LOOKING BACK:  This is what you call ‘distance.’  When we live life we see it SUBJECTIVELY, from our own EMOTIONS, which at times can blind or obscure our VISION or UNDERSTANDING.  We sometimes need DISTANCE or TIME to look back at a situation, which I’m going now.

WIRE METAL FENCE:   In my vocabulary, METAL, in this case METAL INSIDE WIRE, represents THE WILL OF GOD.  I make the connection with the NAILS in the HANDS & FEET of Jesus on the Cross – it was God’s Holy Will He be there.  So here I ask the question, it seems about the relationship with the ex lover {because of the drams that follows}, WHY DID GOD WANT THIS?)*


The house is made of wood, painted blue, looks similar to the farmhouse with the main door we use to the back.  But somehow the front porch is on stilts that are about 8′ tall, a small porch, maybe 5′ square, with steps I guess leading up to it, though I don’t see them.  This shows me that the house is either on a hill or else raised on something maybe half a floor up.  Underneath this front area I at first thought was painted purple, maybe railroad logs, forming a sort of landing, & I think the colors, blue & purple together, are rather clashing, maybe too glamorous.  But on second thought I see that where I thought logs were are walls made of stone cemented together, a charming look, greys & off-whites.

*(THE WAY THE HOUSE LOOKS, MANY SYMBOLS LIKE SO:   PAINTED BLUE:  SADNESS, depression.  FRONT PORCH ON STILTS:  CROSS of CHRIST, raised up, terrible PAIN.  IT BEING 5′ SQUARE, square represents PERFECTION  {perfect square} so this suffering is total & complete.

HOUSE ON A HILL OR HALF A FLOOR UP:  The entire situation was a CALVARY {hill, Golgotha, Jesus CRUCIFIED}

In front I thought I saw a landing with RAILROAD LOGS PAINTED PURPLE holding it up, but then I see the ROCKS:   Again, the rr ties or logs represent the WOOD OF THE CROSS, painted PURPLE is LONG TIME SUFFERING {red is immediate, now, purple is passion dragging on, as blood turns purple or ‘black’ with time} – & I NOW SEE that what I thought like so is actually ROCKS – rocks represent A SOLID FOUNDATION, as the WILL OF GOD ordained the situation of hardship between myself & lover, God MEANT IT TO BE.  It’s a FOUNDATION of something SOLID – a relationship in the FUTURE it suggests.)*


As I’m hanging out in front of the house there are two interlopers who show up, one is a man, another is a strange Rottweiler.  When the unknown Rotty comes up to me, I’m not sure if he’s safe;  just then my own Rotty comes up to him to meet him & he’s OK, not aggressive.  The man asks me questions, not sure what any more.

*(THE MAN & HIS ROTTY:   This could be the ex-lover the following dream portrays, as he there asks me QUESTIONS, a DOG is an INNER SENSE, as the senses of a dog are superior to ours – their hearing & smelling.  This might be an INNER SENSE,  psychic or mystical, the inner senses are parallels to the outer, except they’re  hidden or secret.  And so, he sends his INNER SENSE to me to ‘feel me out’ or ‘get a sense’ of what has happened, why I’m not pursuing him.)*

There were many scenes, unfortunately, they have faded from memory as it was dreamed earlier in the night.  But I do recall the last ones, concerning my ex lover.


I went some place public where people were hanging about.  My ex lover is there, & he comes close to me on purpose, in fact, he puts his head & neck right up to me where I can kiss it easily.  This shows he still loves me, after all this time.  I have ignored him one year, eight months.


He’s confused & now begins asking me questions.  He didn’t know what happened to me, & was told various stories.  One was I had gone off with a group of females to do some kind of activist work. Others I can’t recall.  He lays  these tales before me.  I tell him none of them is true.  We are close & holding one another, showing great affection, not sex, just hugging, kissing, caressing.  The feeling from him to me is ACCEPTANCE.

*(VARIOUS STORIES TOLD HIM:   This shows he’s been searching for the answers, why I’ve ignored him so long -

 {for heaven’s sake, he has my numbers, he refused to give me his.  We aren’t on any mutual social media.  When I was on face book we were friends, but after a while he blocked me & never allowed me on again.  He was used to me doing all kinds of detective work to find out how to reach him, like having other people friend him & contact him, & he was also spoiled by me going to the bars downtown every weekend {a huge effort for me each time}, then to my apt where he could go & access me & have sex – but that isn’t happening any more……So the decent, intelligent thing for him to do is call me, but he’s too paranoid & proud to do so – he thinks I’m still OBSESSED with him & will somehow intrude on his privacy {what a joke!} but I’m not.  He’s used to being CHASED by me but I’ve stopped.  I am FREE – this shows HE’S NOT.  His turn to be the PRISONER OF LOVE.})*

Then he lies down on the back of this vehicle, like a van, on his right side.  I go to him & begin kissing him again, but he says,


“Let me sleep, as tomorrow I go to school.”

*(LET ME SLEEP AS TOMORROW I GO TO SCHOOL:   To sleep is to be unconscious or UNAWARE {he’s asleep to the facts}.  He’s saying it’s not yet time for him to know the answers, he still has lessons to learn {GOING TO SCHOOL}, let him stay unaware until the time comes.

I might add that today is Sunday, yesterday was a weekend & so he may have been to the bars asking around, looking for me, discussing me with people, & so, I picked up his vibes.)*

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