I’m going to channel Mother God – the God within myself, for answers. I will ask her to tell me about abuse in the context that applies to my life story, not an entire book on abuse, but a chapter that covers the basics \. I know abuse is a VAST subject & I don’t mind going into some farther issues where it applies, but I don’t right now wish to cover the entire forest, just some trees & references to the vast Taiga when applicable. So let me begin by asking Mother God, what is abuse?
MOTHER GOD:
Abuse is when someone on purpose, takes away the happiness or pursuit of it, which God intended, from another creature.
We have certain assumptions, that God wants us to be happy. When this happiness is impeded, directly or indirectly, through the fault of someone else, that is abuse. The abuser would have reasons for their behavior. It could be ignorance {‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do’ Jesus said magnanimously, giving them CREDIT for ignorance, where some might not have been, they might have had MALICE, but Jesus asks God to forgive them across the board, no matter why they did it.}
Then there’s all the things you cover that were done by your family & others to you – Hate, malice, not caring, jealousy, revenge, & anger. When people abuse others it also comes under the heading ‘I will be rewarded for hurting the other creature’ in some way – this would be under ‘not caring.’ This would be those who kill for money or rewards, some sort of advantage. Their own pleasure/reward makes them impervious to the desire the other has for life. Then there are soldiers who are told to torture prisoners, who are given, after the abuse, sake or whiskey & women.
Put in the most simple way, abuse is when someone takes away your happiness on purpose.
ME: In the Catechism is says that God made us to know, love & serve her, & be happy with her on earth & in Eternity. So that would be a good point of departure.
We are made for happiness, it is what God intended, it is the foundation of our being. And so if anyone interfered with that on purpose, that is abuse. Baba Muktananda said happiness is our natural state, & take away obstacles or blocks, that’s how we are at base. OK, let’s now get to more specifics.
What was the main way my Mom abused me?
MOTHER GOD: She demoralized you, in other words, took away your MORALE.
“to deprive (a person or persons) of spirit, courage, discipline, etc.; destroy the morale of”
jumble, muddle, rattle, shake up, get to, psych out,
take apart, take steam out, unglue, disempower
GOOD MORALE: emotional or mental condition with respect to cheerfulness, confidence, zeal, etc., especially in the face of opposition, hardship, etc.:
good attitude, good mood, good resolve, self-confidence
good spirit, self assurance, good disposition, strong drive
happy heart, good humor, mettle, positive outlook,
self-possession, good temper, good temperament, vigor
ME: What was her main way of destroying my morale?
MOTHER GOD: She made you feel unimportant, unworthy of love, attention or recognition.
ME: What was her exact intention?
MOTHER GOD: In a sense, to defeat or kill you, the way an army on one side intends to kill the other. She could not kill you physically, but emotionally she wanted to destroy you.
ME: Did she, with her accomplices, succeed?
MOTHER GOD: Obviously, not, but you had to fight against the temptations thrust upon you, all the negatives she/they gave you.
ME: There are so many questions & obviously they were mostly answered within this book, the whys & wherefores, but we can review some of this again & summarize or digest it. How important were the family members she brainwashed in hurting me as well? That is, how much help was it to her? Could she have succeeded in hurting me that much by herself?
MOTHER GOD: The accomplices were exceedingly effective in her battle against you. She did not fight alone, it was them against you. The only ones who did not harm or hurt you were your Dad & your Uncle, the rest followed her, it was a lot to endure.
ME: Why did those who lived in our house – my bro & someone else – follow her so zealously without empathy toward me? Didn’t they know they were doing wrong? Weren’t they Christians, didn’t they also go to Church & hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ?
MOTHER GOD: Simply because she was the power, the head of the family. She could withhold or grant rewards, such as privileges or punishments. They got the privileges, you got the punishments. She did not pursue them at their jobs & get them fired; they were supported in their pursuits & ways of making money. But you of course, were pursued & got fired when she told the bosses you did not have her permission to work {on the pretext you were neglecting your school work.} So they were empowered, you were disempowered, they were encouraged, you were discouraged…..They heard the same gospel you heard, but did not apply it to you.
ME: Of course, until she got me fired from jobs in Middletown, I did save a few shekels to buy some clothes or whatever I needed. How would you rate the abuse she did on me in getting me fired from jobs, & then not giving me any of the money the family shared. Let’s not forget my Dad was also helping – I got no money for anything. How serious in terms of abuse was that?
MOTHER GOD: It was serious, it was illegal – but you didn’t know that. You had no rights in the family according to her, but by the law, even an animal has rights. She beat you with her fists, slapped you in public for nothing, demoralized you, deprived you of food, clothing, school materials – everything. She bad mouthed you to family, school, friends, everyone that listened; she destroyed your reputation or image with them. Only your own personal friends stood by you, but she sent them away when they came to the door with a birthday cake.
ME: If I had known then what I know now, could I have gone to school officials or the police & outlined my case? And maybe got put into a foster home? If only I had known a lawyer, I could have explained it, or a decent counselor at school {there were none} – a psychologist, anyone who would listen {no one did & I wouldn’t even know how to explain – when called before the counselor I could not explain myself & just ended up crying.}
MOTHER GOD: God meant for you to take all that abuse & you won, they did not defeat you, but it was hard going. It’s one of those terrible trials of life like what Jesus went through & came out good in the end, it saved mankind. So your story will be encouragement to many, especially females.
ME: If I had not been treated that way, would I have been more of a success, gotten farther in life, been happier?
MOTHER GOD: Look at the saints, & imagine if they asked that question. Your life would have been completely different had not all this happened. The saints became what they were by going through Hell – the way to Heaven is through Hell. Would Jesus have taken away his Passion & Crucifixion? Would the saints wish they never got martyred? Would the saints wish they hadn’t had Holy Poverty?
Your trials & tribulations, along with your religious education, a good heart, a good resolve, the graces God gave you, made you what you are. You achieved success in all realms, on all fronts. You obeyed God, you preached in front of the White House, averting WWIII through the Message of Fatima.
Do not regret any of your sufferings or pains from Mom, family or people of the world. It made you what you are, it was a necessity. You are now also going to write about how society abuses women through sex – how abusive the social norms are against women, how abusive toward women in the adult trade. Had you not gone into the field, you could not help women in that area.
Had you not got into the adult trade you would have been a professor, an ordinary woman, & you would not have changed the world. But being as you were, with the experiences you had, you delved into all those fronts where you rose up out of the depths & onto the mountains. You did the female body building thing, you did the Stripping for God, you did the female domination bit, & you got into Matriarchy-female empowerment. If you had been a professor in a college, none of this would have happened; you would not have helped & changed the world for the better. God could not have used you in the specific ways She did.
ME: You convinced me. You put me in a different mind set – Like I should be grateful for all I went through, which I am. But I was planning to ‘take it apart’ or analyze it so others could become aware what it is exactly, what it is not, what to do about it, then, how to fight it, how to rise up out of it.
MOTHER GOD: You cannot rise out of it by taking vengeance on those who abused you – Jesus did not. Everyone, as you know, has to be forgiven. As far as the temptations they put upon you to think low of yourself, of your life, that you did not deserve love, happiness or recognition, you had only to share the example of Jesus Our Lord, & his Saints, which you did. You imbibed into yourself their life stories & practiced all that they taught you within your own sphere of life – you were obedient to what you knew & zealous in spreading the word, no matter what it cost you.
ME: No one believes I am of God, that I’m Holy or a Saint, that I have the Interior Divine Stigmata or that I saw God face to face – except perhaps a tiny group of people. Everyone else thinks it’s impossible for me to be the person I am because I was in the adult trade, I did a lot of sex, & I took images of men with hardons, etc. They think it’s impossible to be who I am.
MOTHER GOD: That is fine, what does it matter? Their opinions cannot make or break you, as St. Francis said,
“I am what God says I am, nothing more, & nothing less.”
Now consider how Saints, like Padre Pio, were hounded & persecuted. Think of the Faith Healers, how people wouldn’t leave them alone, they couldn’t get away, to the point some of them became nervous wrecks.
We hid Holiness within you, where people wouldn’t see it, so they would leave you alone. If they saw what was inside you, including the Gifts, you would be one hounded woman. You saw what it’s like to be hounded by men for your body – that was a pittance compared to what this would be. They would wait outside your house or apt to get the Healing touch, or your spiritual advice, or a blessing – I assure you, they would NOT leave you alone. You might even need body guards when you went out in public. And many of them are not friendly. Some are bad abusers, dangerous, some would want to kill you like they already have wanted to – you will speak of that in another book.
ME: If my life was not abused & I went to college & became a professor, would I have attained the spiritual heights that I did, like seeing God face to face?
MOTHER GOD: There is a chance you might have, but it would be less likely. Extreme pain made you reach deeper & deeper into God, for the lack of it; you might not have tried so hard or surrendered so fully. One has to become a martyr to get the Graces you got – the Holy Divine Stigmata & the Face to Face experience of God – You cannot see God & live.
ME: And the most important public event of my life – the Message of Fatima which changed the world totally – could that have happened?
MOTHER GOD: No, that would not have happened as it did, obviously. It might have occurred somehow, but then again, I don’t know. I know it was God’s Will, & that could not be changed, God planned it that way, God planned your life, you lived it the way God planned it, the Fatima message happened, the events took place – God orchestrated it. Think no more, all occurred because it was supposed to. You were supposed to be the “Stripper for God,” God planned it that way. Just by you being obedient, it all happened. Had you not been obedient, it could not have happened.
ME: Alright Mother God, I can’t think any more. Thank you for all this! – and Amen.
3-21-21 – What is Abuse – continuation Chapter 9
New insight – If I look on my family as a WOLF CLAN it makes sense. My Mom obviously was the Alpha wolf; she groomed her niece Mempho to take her place when she died.
I LEFT the clan to form my own, because I am also an ALPHA woman/wolf. I would not take orders from Mom in sin, even though I obeyed her in all legitimate areas, {possibly more than I should have} I chose not to be under her jurisdiction.
I went far away – to California – & formed my own clan when I had a daughter; she had 3 children, two of whom have 5 children, the one that was adopted out probably has children – I have 5 great-grandchildren I know of, there could be, I’m guessing, several by Lily – my first granddaughter Lily was born 1987 {some day I will find her.}
Mempho controls what is left of the immediate family – many have died, parents, Aunt & Uncle, brother, so there are now 5 people under the jurisdiction of Mempho.
My ‘wolf-woman’ clan has at least 8 ‘under me’ as Alpha, if the estranged one is counted; it is herself & her children as well.
That is why Mempho & I will always be in conflict. She carries the Alpha title of the family I left behind, she cannot dominate me, I cannot dominate her, so if we disagree on anything there’s an argument & a conflict.
That takes the whole question into another zone, & I like the resolution, that we two as Alphas must agree to disagree, as neither can ever dominate the other.
Now to the other questions – I ask Mother God, what is the correct way to overcome abuse, the kind which my Mother & her accomplices put on me?
MOTHER GOD: “Let God arise!” {Joke, that is the exorcism.}
Be mindful of your identity with God – who you really are, not what they are projecting onto you. Go like this:
“I am a child of God, created by God, & God ‘didn’t make any junk.’ All of God’s creation is Sacred & inviolate, it must fulfill its purpose the way God intended, to find its identity, its way, its happiness.”
“As a child of God who obeys her, I deserve to be treated with respect, love, & given recognition for being. I do not have to PROVE myself in an extraordinary way, merely refrain from sin in order to be respected & loved. Indeed, I have sinned & I hope to be forgiven, as I have repented. I do not expect cruel & unjust punishments for my sins, let me be corrected & punished in God’s way, that is all, I don’t need humans to weigh me, judge & condemn me. – {Except of course in a court of law if I have done crimes.} Those in authority over me, like parents, will correct me, Gurus will correct me, but only God decides ultimately what punishment I get through Holy Karma. And so, I resist unjust punishments & cruelties, I do not allow them under my skin, I do not agree with the cruel that want to destroy me. “
“I deserve life; I do not deserve people to take it away. God decides when I live, when I die. I obey the laws of God as taught in the best religions, those which preach love, those that say ‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you’ as well as ‘Love they neighbor as thyself.”
“If anyone identifies me with the body & condemns me for it or uses me for it, I resist that sentiment. For example, if I am in the Adult Trade, I am not a thing to be used, denigrated & degraded; I give therapy to others of the sex nature. I am not my genital organs; I cannot be reduced down to my penis or vagina, breasts or rear end. I am a Soul from Eternity who has appeared as a body on earth – I am not that body exclusively, although I honor & prize my body – & others should as well. I am not to be used as merely a tool or machine for the pleasure of others, to be disdained or discarded when they are through.”
“I resist being judged for the appearance of my body alone – I am an eternal soul. If you judge me as beautiful, & for that alone I am loved, that does not gratify my soul. If you judge me as ugly, unattractive or boring for my looks, that are also pathetic because I am not merely this body – take a look at my heart, see if my heart is pure – pray to the Holy Spirit about it. If you ignore me because I don’t turn you on – it’s your loss – I should thank God you are not harassing me for sex, as your attention is unworthy & could bring me grief.”
“I have certain inalienable rights as a human being, a right to privacy, a right to make my own decisions, a right to choose my own religion, a right to practice my own sexual lifestyle {as long as I don’t hurt anyone}, & any type lifestyle. I have the right to dress as I like, walk & talk as I like, without being judged, condemned, ridiculed, bullied, beaten & ostracized. Alright, if you want to ignore me, that is your privilege, but it is wrong for you to bad mouth me to others because I’m not like you. I don’t deserve your sins against me.”
“If I am in a household I deserve to be treated as well as is anyone else – I am not your scapegoat. Do not vent your hate, anger & frustration on me, which was put on you by other venues, do not use me as a whipping post, or as an object for your negativity or exploitative pleasure. I am not a slave in the household, I do my part, you do your part, I deserve the same rights as other members of the house, & I also give those rights.”
“Even animals deserve respect; after all, we are animals, a species of ape. All life deserves respect, including insects; do not abuse insects, dogs, cats, farm animals, birds, no kind of animals or humans. Do not evaluate me as in some way unworthy or beneath you, there is a doctrine in Yoga called the ‘Equality of Consciousness’ that all created things are equal in the eyes of God, all life deserves to live, nothing is higher or lower. And so, I am neither higher nor lower than you, you are neither higher or lower than me, God decides where we will be in eternity, in Heaven, Hell, Purgatory; in the Highest Heaven or the lowest Hell, only God Almighty knows our place.”
ME: Thank you Mother God, amen for now.
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