Chapter 3    MY SPIRITUAL HUSBAND NICK

– DEATH FANTASIES

written late Nov 2022

 

         Pics above:  His crew at a place he was a dishwasher – not saying they were bad guys – I didn’t know them – And the x’d pic, how he saw himself

This is the young husband who loved me & I him. We were mystically married – which I shall explain. He lived two lives. To the world he presented a façade or charade – Living with a woman who was one of many, but portrayed as the ‘one & only’ wife together with a bevy of ‘friends’ – all focused on drugs.

 

Posted on Face Book under dates stated – 2022

 

His SoundCloud music under “Nick Lambo13”

 

Words gleaned from his song, not exact, verses repeated, hard to understand all the words {His words will be in bright blue}:

 

“Death callin’ my name, they wantin’ my body

doin’ drugs, feelin’ numb

Mentally fucked up

Mind is broken

Devil right beside me

Early grave

My life – you can take it

Havin’ death fantasies

My life – you can take it

Devil keeps talkin’ beside me

My heart’s frozen

No one to lean on”

 

ME: This is NOT A HAPPY MAN. Look, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the DESPAIR in these words. Why despair? I was gone, he didn’t know what to do, or if he did, he was too weak. And that became obvious when he finally called me June 2, 2022. His crazy ‘friends’ keep all talking now, hundreds of them, about him on his FB. They think they were so important to him. It was surface relationships – I’ve been there. I had thousands of ‘face book’ friends. When I left FB only 3 of them are still my friends. Yes, he saw them in person but it was for things that kids do – playing – & partying with drugs & alcohol & dope. It was a substance-induced charade. They all miss the theater of drugs with Nick – he was their

star. Star gone, no more fun. That’s what they miss. They were not on God’s side, trying to save him, just wanting to have fun with him.

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

July 25

 Check it out!!!!!

Death Fantasies out now!!!!!!

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

July 21

Cause if I don’t say it all here I won’t say nothing

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

July 11

I love that I literally made this for me myself it’s like making a painting that you have no plans on letting go that’s what this basically is just something for myself to go back on and I love it and that’s all that matters about this one!!!!!

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

 July 8  He says:

“If the devil can’t get close to you he’ll take what mattered most to you so he can watch you fight your demons everyday”

 

ME: He’s talking about the devil taking me from him – You ask what mattered to him the most? The True Love of a Mother that I gave him – I was the only one he looked to that way. His ‘friends’ wanted to believe how important they were. Yes, he drugged & partied with them, it was substance-induced joy or happiness, not real. The only REAL LOVE he had was from me. Unconditional love, not using him as a drug partner or entertainment object. Just wanted to save him but I was blocked.

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

June 25

Pick a side you gotta follow when that casket ride
-XoX
#DeathFantasies

 

June 5 & June 9 – May 28 – May 27 – May 24 he announces his SoundCloud rap song:

 

XoXNicky – Overcame it all

 

This rap is about how he OVERCAME NOT HAVING ME ANY MORE {I was absent from the scene & he wasn’t man enough to contact me until it was TOO LATE. But he suffered like a dog, his songs say so, my dreams vividly portray it. Instead of doing the right thing – calling me & speaking to me sanely, he mollified himself with MORE DRUGS – which finally killed him. The reason I know this is about me is because after I messaged him on FB through a friend, he said something like, ‘Now she contacts me, after I overcame it all, she should have made her moves sooner, now its too late’ – words approximate. He said this in a post as well as in his songs.}

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

Dec 18, 2021   He says:

“A psychic said I’d die at 28 in three hours we will cheers to 29 ”

 

ME: The psychic was not far off, it was 6 months later, Aug 14, 2022, he died.

I told him dozens of times he was on the road to an early death due to drugs. Every person who channeled for me agreed with me – half a dozen people. This would have been averted had he quit drugs. But he was too comfortable with his enabler & all their ‘friends.’

The demons had possessed him. I knew about July 2022, had the strong feeling ‘It’s over. This time was mystically relevant because we met in July & every July – my birthday, by chance or fate, we’d always have a tryst. This ended after 2019. Why? Because it was time for him to stand up to the plate & hit the ball – but he was too slow. Our relationship is over, it’s done. Nothing can be fixed any more.’ It wasn’t just our relationship, his LIFE depended on it – if he did not come to me he was doomed by drugs, & he wasn’t moving toward me although we reconciled, & then it happened.

 

OK I am worn out from going through hundreds of his FB pages. Now it flipped back to the front & it’ll take 10 minutes to scroll back down, so I’m not going to do it, I have work to do.

Suffice to say that in the last times after he wasn’t seeing me any more, he spoke about the devil & Satan & death a lot. He said, if you’re not happy it’s because you don’t have a soul.’ He said ‘When you sold your soul to the devil he’s going to come for you.’ ‘It’s payback time’ – all these are from many doom & gloom statements.

He knew he was on the broad highway to hell & that highway was ‘Demon drugs.’ I was the one & only person who stood on that highway with the sign ‘STOP’ but he went around me. However, I did save his Soul possibly from Hell or a terrible Purgatory. It showed it in the dreams. His Purgatory was only 10 days because of me & he’s united to God through my Soul for all eternity. He’s happy now but the earth equation didn’t work. I am also reasonably happy as I got over the earthly angst, released him from my flesh, surrendered it to God, & was made free. And so, there wasn’t any notable grief for me at his ‘parting’ because I had already disentangled my ‘flesh’ in favor of ‘spirit – we never parted spiritually.

 

Here are the words to ‘Cocaine & Broken Bottles’ which is directly about him waiting for me outside my apt, longing for me, & being sorry we weren’t together – fearing he’d never have me again. This was posted April 7, 2019 when we hadn’t seen each other about 5 months. He would wait outside my apt by my 2^nd floor window to see if I was there – but I rarely was, so according to this, he was standing in the rain & experienced in this song all the miseries of us being apart.:

Below, he performs, the only time he did so after age 17, rapping our song, his repentence, at a small gathering – because of this song we were mystically married – I accepted his proposal to TAKE HIS HEART

 

 

“Wash away my pain

I’m standing in the rain

Waiting for you

Don’t know why

‘Cause some things never change

I have made mistakes

Here’s my heart to take

Not much left ‘cause all it’s ever done is break

Hate to watch you go

 

You left me on my own

Alone & broken homes

I swear it’s all I know

It’s hard to be me

Especially on TV

 

Will never see the same

You of all these chains

I’m feeling like a slave

Day by day by day

Soon as night fall hits

It’s alcohol & cocaine

It’s the life I chose

It can’t be how it goes

Cameras all in my face

Make it go away

 

Wash away my pain

I’m standing in the rain

I’m used to bein’ free

But free I’ll never be

I understand that now

Alone amongst the crowd

Take a look in my face

Tell me what do you see

Little miserable me

Is all I’ll ever be

Shackles all on my feet

Using the same seat

Wish I could be you

 

And you could be me

‘Cause DEATH IS CALLIN’ MY NAME

No longer winnin’ these games

Wish I was the same

You took all that I gave

Wash away my pain

I’m standin’ in the rain

 

          He also posted this on Face book on May 7, 2019 {I left the grammar as he wrote it}:

 

“It’s very rare a person sells their soul for riches if you can’t find happiness it because your soulless you sold your soul for something so cheap like a party lifestyle or community popularity and you got it now the devils here to collect and you don’t even realize it”

 

We were spiritually married {a sacrament} on Sunday, April 21, 2019 because of his repentance & my continued love for him, forgiveness &

acceptance. It’s like he said ‘I’m sorry” & I said, “I accept you – you said take your heart, OK, I receive it. You said you wish I was you & you were me, OK, here we are as ONE” – as shown in this song {Cocaine & broken Bottles} as well as other posts, such as the one I copy here. There were several posts speaking of the demons haunting him & selling one’s soul to the devil. He ‘sold his soul’ for the party lifestyle, which means drugs & all that it entails – including all the people of the drug mentality. He rejected the opposite – the Godly lifestyle, going into rehab & being with me. He wanted me as his secret lover, to get all that Godly love – in secret. But I knew, once & for all, I could no longer stand being second fiddle, his ‘partner’ being feted in public, going to events together, having dozens of images together. I went nowhere with him, he would not be seen in public with me, he did not permit any images of us together, & he never gave me his phone number, nor told me where he lived. {I did find out some of these items anyway, by my own spying.}

To say this was a somewhat ‘dysfunctional’ relationship would be an understatement. He thought he got what he wanted; an infantile solution to his dilemma, but it brought me great misery. I could not stand it any more at one point. But for the time being, we got spiritually married – which is forever. {What God has joined together, let no man put asunder!}

 

Now let us understand the sacrament of marriage

According to the writings of the early Church Fathers sacrament signifies a sacred thing which lies concealed. The Greeks often expressed the same idea in their use of the word mysterion (Latin: sacramentum) or literally “mystery.” This meaning we have come to learn from St. Paul’s Epistle to the Ephesians (1:9) where it is said: “That he might make known to us the mystery (sacramentum) of his will”; and to Timothy: “…great is the mystery (sacramentum) of godliness” (1 Tim. 3:16); and in the Book of Wisdom: “They knew not the secrets (sacramenta) of God” (Wis. 2:22-24). In these and many passages throughout scripture the word sacrament is perceived and signifies nothing more than a holy thing that lies concealed or hidden.

The Church Fathers, therefore, deemed the word sacrament an appropriate term to express the sensible signs that communicate grace in a tangible way. According to Pope St. Gregory the Great such a sign ought to be called a sacrament, because the divine power secretly carries out our salvation under the veil of sensible things.

There are 7 sacraments instituted by Jesus Christ, they are:

• Baptism

• Confirmation

• Eucharist

• Penance (reconciliation or confession)

• Anointing of the Sick

• Holy Orders

• Matrimony

 

Please understand as I said, he was leading two lives. At some point, after our mystical marriage, I decided to put

my foot down & demand that he make me #1, or at least, I would wait for him to chase me instead of me chasing him. It’s always better to be chased than to chase, you have the advantage.

But this was a new game that he wasn’t ready for – at least with me. He was spoiled. He thought it had been that way & it would continue. But I had gotten stronger, I got over the addiction to him. It was not easy, as hard as rocks, but I did it with the help of God’s grace.

But he did not have the strength to do as he must. He waited & waited for me to contact him, waited & waited. One year, two, then it went into three years. We were both used to absences of months, but this was extreme. And he was going through emotional Hell, I saw it in my dreams. I feared he would take his own life.

At that point, I contacted him through a friend. I was not on Face book, but I had a message sent. Because of that message – he didn’t see it right away, he called me on June 2, 2022 – as God predicted he would, months before.

OK, so we talked over one hour. I would not let him back into my life as it was before, I made demands. He’d have to consider.

But after a month I sensed he could not come up to the plate, it was over – Finished, caput.

And how right I was. He apparently lost the will to live. I sensed it. And on August 14, 2022, he died of some kind of over dose. I don’t know the details. I do know his female partner was with him. It’s all I know. His two lives were over, the façade & the secret one. But his spiritual life had begun. He immediately got closer to myself & God

& we’ve been communicating ever since. Yes, it’s a tragedy of sorts, but one that has a happy spiritual ending, like Jesus & his Cross. Yes, He died, but He lives. So with Nick.