ROCK BOTTOM AWAITS HIM BEFORE HE’S READY TO CHANGE

1-26-21 Ex Lover Saga – Dream

 

This is fiction for literary purposes. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

 

Meditated on ex Lover Joseph last night, had this dream.
I’m in a room where Joe is in a corner facing a friend of Mine, Mary Jones. They’re working on something, he’s taking notes. Vaguely, company is expected for some occasion.

*(MARY JONES: Represents someone who’s going to die, as in real life, she has cancer. This is probably his live-in wife who’s going to DIE TO HIM, or no longer be his wife, they will part. Remember that death is an END to something, a project, a job, a hope, or especially a relationship.)*

Joe & I are distant, we don’t interact.
But then, the room empties & Joe & I are together, & he is behind me, myself facing the wall or ‘columned’ corner where he was.

*(ROOM EMPTIES: This is when people, distractions, facades, masks, are removed from Joe & he expresses what he really feels – HIS LOVE FOR ME. The COLUMN I’ve seen in another dream, it represents the SUPPORTING BEAM of our HOUSE or marriage / relationship.)*

A man that might be him comes close behind me, & puts his arm around me. I instantly feel warmth & bliss, as I always do when Joe is near me – I go into a trancelike state. I somehow see what he’s wearing, a light pink cotton dress shirt, long sleeves, a sleek brown dress belt that might have two strands, it’s a new belt, no marks, expensive, he’s thin & handsome.

*(WARMTH & BLISS: Is the CHEMISTRY of us being in love, the feel good hormones activate the instant Joe’s in my presence. {Don’t even try to fix people up. The chemistry won’t be there, for love, they must find their own, you never know who it might be.}
PINK COTTON DRESS SHIRT: Has to do with sex. Pink is either sex or a happy feeling.
BROWN BELT, TWO TIERS, EXPENSIVE NEW: This is the CELIBACY imposed on him by me, where we DON’T have sex. EXPENSIVE in spiritual terms means suffering or ‘it costs a lot. NEW is the celibacy is new – for years I let him have sex with me, then I didn’t. TWO TIERS could be the two of us, neither has sex, us two no longer do sex & it could also refer to ‘tears’ or us both weeping there’s no more sex, both wish we could still have it, especially him. BROWN means SUFFERING, but not the total blackout or complete suffering, there’s still some hope, faith or joy in it, in other words, we know we’ll be doing sex again some day, but not now.

If the belt was BLACK it would be a total end or total suffering. I learned about these symbols from the great mystic Saint Anne Catherine Emmerich.
THE BELT also hold the PANTS UP, which means girded, pants not down, not exposing the bottom for sex, but covered. NO MARKS means NO NOTCHES, like when you have a notch on your belt every time you have sex, it’s a score, so, no sex, no score, no notches.
THIN & HANDSOME is a good disposition toward me, not an ugly one of using me & abusing me like he did.)*

To reciprocate, I put my right arm around his middle & my hand in under his belt so I feel his bare skin above his buns.
He’s speaking in a low, seductive tone & saying it’s BEEN A LONG TIME, & says,
“Where are you going to take me?”
{Just imagine the feeling of bliss / ecstasy when you’re in love with the partner & have not been able to see them a long time, or do anything about it.}
I have the feeling he wanted to hold me & be close to me all the while, but people being around, he could not. As soon as he can show his true feelings for me, he does. They are love & desire.
I think to myself, where does he want to go? I guess to my apt where we can make love – do I want to do that? I’m not sure as I’ve been teaching him a lesson now for a long while.
We stay like this for minutes, then he says let’s go by your car & after I get in, he will.

*(OUR HOLDING EACH OTHER, BEING INTIMATE, SPEAKING SEDUCTIVELY, TOUCHING BARE SKIN, ETC: This shows our love & mutual desire, it is there, it is deep, but we’re not showing it openly or to the public, it’s secret.)*

And at that moment we need to duck out the back door pronto because those arriving for the meeting walk in the door. We move fast.
I see a man in blue & a woman in black. The woman in black seems like a contemplative nun but also like they just came from a FUNERAL & this is the after-funeral brunch. But we don’t want these people to see us, the funeral seems to have nothing to do with us, although he was taking notes about this or something like it with Mary Jones.

*(MAN IN BLUE ENTERING: Might be a prediction of POLICE, getting arrested for drugs. This is an OMINOUS sign but it could be the turning point of changing him from the crooked to the straight lifestyle.
The FUNERAL is definitely an END to something – his end to the way he was, his end with her. The fact that SHE IS IN BLACK might say it’s an END for her, like her getting arrested, doing time, losing her job, so that would be the end of income, lifestyle. Or & this could both be true, it’s the end of their MARRIAGE. The MAN IN BLUE could also represent the SPIRITUAL COP or ANGEL. It could be God’s Will, God stepping in through her angel, to end their relationship, & this could happen, of course, if one or both of them gets arrested for drugs & loses their jobs {if they’re absent from work doing time}. It is, without a doubt, an END to something.
We want to quickly run out of there to commence our secret love – we want nothing to do with this, might be saying this is HIS WIFE’S PROBLEM, LET’S GET OUT OF HERE & RESUME OUR TIME TOGETHER.)*

Now we’re headed through this large, extended building, to the outside. But a glitch happens. He’s to my left. We come upon a sliding door, like a garage overhang, but this is just like soft plywood, & it’s down three quarters. He thought he might have to help me & begins to move the plywood, but I duck & get past under it – & that’s where we part.

He’s gone, I am somehow still stuck in a building, a dark, dismal one, like an industrial place. I see men around, one man on a landing in front & ask him where’s the door to the outside? He points to the door behind him & opens it for me. I exit, but it’s into another strange world – a bad one – where I have been before {in dreams} & it took forever to escape.

*(THROUGH THE DOOR, HERE WE PART: This is a time of our separation, a necessary evil before we get back together, a time of unhappiness.)*

This area is far from where I want to go. It is city, -extended, slums, thousands of people, industries, buildings, ugly malls, poverty, stretching miles around. I ask directions but no one knows, they point this way or that. I’ve got out before but can’t recall how & it took a long time.

I come by a store or shop where there are a few women & ask them directions. One attractive blonde tells me THIS IS A BAD PLACE. I already know that, but what is the way out? They are more familiar with this than I am, but instead of helping me, they talk to each other about their day to day concerns, like most people they are self centered.

*(HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE: We were separate before, I was miserable, went through this again. This is not the future but the past, a review, as we shall soon see.)*

Now I kind of glide & fly through this area looking for the way out to ‘home.’ Men in groups see me & exclaim about me, because I’m beautiful, my body is beautiful, shapely & well muscled. First I’m wearing a pastel pink dress, then it turns white.

*(MEN NOTICE ME: This is when I hung around at the bars & clubs & men thought I was beautiful, had sex appeal.)*

Then a bad thing happens. A horrible man who is like a midget but fully grown, totally bald head, is infatuated with me & grabs hold of me, like gets inside my dress. I begin to tear him off me, & blood comes out, I don’t know from him or me – probably him. I tear & tear & have to remove my entire dress, which is pink I guess, lots of blood – to get rid of him I have to sacrifice the entire dress.

*(TO GET RID OF HIM HAVE TO SACRIFICE THE ENTIRE DRESS, BLOOD COMES OUT ETC: This is the attachment to the flesh, when Joseph gets UNDER MY SKIN. He’s in love with me, I with him, but it’s too physical, it has to be righteous, a real marriage. But to stop this lust I must cut out the sex entirely, it is a BLOOD SACRIFICE which means total sacrifice of something physical, the flesh, something that really hurts.
His being a MIDGET is being immature although he’s grown, & his being BALD is INSANITY, as hair represents the brains, so being bald is when you go crazy.)*

Underneath it is a nice other dress, it’s white, not as ‘colorful’ but pretty, & under it is a sort of yellow-green slip with little balls on the hem, I straighten it out so the slip doesn’t show as much, & I am off, having gratefully gotten rid of the monster.

*(PINK DRESS TURNS TO WHITE, DON’T WANT MY SLIP WITH BALLS SHOWING, GOT RID OF THE MONSTER: Sex {PINK} turns to NO SEX {white, virginity or celibacy}. It took a LOT OF BALLS on my part to get rid of the MONSTER OF LUST. This scene shows how hard it was for me to do what I did, but I succeeded. For a while I was possessed by his sexuality – my desire for him. Giving it up is shown as BLEEDING – whose blood? Both of us.)*

Now I channeled Joseph before I got out of bed, & do so now.

ME: Joe, why did you treat me so badly?

JOE: I was not aware of being bad to you, I am the same to all women – you don’t realize that. I never call any of them back after I have sex, they call me, I ignore them. It’s just when I want to have sex I talk to them.

ME: But I saw you giving your number to many women downtown, pretty ones, ugly ones, fat ones, & you even smeared it into my face by saying to one fat ugly girl over & over, ‘call me’ in front of me when I didn’t even have your number……..And when I did get your number in an ingenious way, you hung up on me, & then later, when I left meaningful messages, you fixed it so no one could leave a message & after that, got a new phone. You blocked me out of your life in all ways but the way of sex – you did not go out with me any place, you only hung with others, mostly guys – you blocked me from social media after I said things you didn’t like. You were extremely rude yet you sought me out for sex again & again – this going on for years. Why blocking me out in all ways but wanting to have sex with me?

JOE: You don’t see how mean & cruel I am to other females, you only see the surface & the times I tried to make you jealous. I made it seem like I was being courteous or nice to others, but I was not. I would use them once, maybe twice, for sex. Some I used a few months, then dumped them. I never answered their phone calls, I only contacted some when I wanted sex or when it was convenient, like we were already out, they were there, I was there, we fucked.

When I told you I was ‘too young’ to have a relationship with you, I meant I was TOO SICK to have a relationship, & I’m still not ready. The woman I’m with – it seems like a relationship, but it began through drugs, & then we’ve stayed together since then, but I’m not a good husband {I fukk behind her back when I can, I even told you about one girl, you figured out who she was from my media, you noticed that she was a friend for a couple months, then disappeared, because I blocked her. I was using her for sex, as usual, she wanted a relationship, she got demanding, kept calling, I then blocked her….I do these things all the time behind the back of Renee, including I was having sex with you when I told you about this affair, I lied that I had broken up with Renee, & was with this new girl, etc. I told you her name partially, you looked up my friends, figured who she was, & soon, she was gone………

Also I block you from conversation because you’re intent on Healing, I can’t face it, I don’t want to admit what happened, I’m in denial, I want to block out the truth, I’m not ready for all that you want to give me, it will be painful, but I am in love with you, I love you in true love, I need you, & so I kept having sex with you. When I am ready to have the relationship, I will call & ask to see you, but until then, I fear you will reject me, you will say no to sex, I will suffer, so I can’t call until I’m ready.}

The way it started with Renee, we shared drugs. Again & again, we shared cocaine & I didn’t move in with her for a year, had my Dad pick me up every day & went back there after work until evening. Did not sleep there, but after a while, it was more convenient to stay there so I stayed.

ME: But at this time you stopped talking to me for nine months. Was it because of her & the drugs or you were angry at the images?

JOE: It was both. I was mad about the images & you wouldn’t listen, you left some on the internet, I got razzed, I couldn’t take the gaff. She & I were sharing drugs daily, at that same time, so it worked that I’d get even with you, & also, I didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ as at that time, I wasn’t working steady, she paid for the drugs, she had more bread than me. Later that changed, we were equals in money making, but now, all Hell has broke loose, I might have more money than her, we are desperate. I don’t support her or the kid, as I said, you think this is such a hunky-dory relationship, but it isn’t, I’m a mean Dad & husband, what Dad spends money on himself but not his wife & child?

ME: But you still aren’t ready for a relationship with me, you’re only ready to resume using me for sex. Can you explain this? I know you love me, I am the only one you love – I shall ask you about that momentarily – but why aren’t you ready for a relationship. What are you afraid of? You expressed fear of going off with me, like to my house, several times before, that you don’t know what I’ll do to you – I might hurt you.

JOE: I’m paranoid. When Dad abused me & hurt me terribly, since I was like 2 or 3 years old, my Mom stood by & let him do it. I never, ever admit this, I defend her, even him. I deny that he abused me, or that she threw me to the wolf. It’s all a horrible cover up, it’s wounds with skin grown over them, scars that never heal, I am deadly sick & pretend I’m well. I need drugs to stay alive, without substances, I feel like killing myself, but I pretend it’s but a social thing, I just do drugs for fun.

ME: You knew I was against the drugs & eventually found out about the abuse from you & another person- who was also abused by your Dad. Then it all fell into place, I knew why you were sick, acted the way you did, medicated yourself. I prayed my heart out for you, I got anxiety attacks & eventually heart attacks. Did you have any idea how bad I was hurting?

JOE: I only BEGAN to see your pain after you stopped seeing me, I have been in pain ever since I realized you were through, I think of you every day, that you would not give in until I gave you what was right – what every woman wants & needs – a relationship. And the reason I’m not calling you I’m not ready for that relationship of true love, I’m only ready to continue that fake, front relationship I have with Renee, drug based, being a bad husband & Dad, that I am ready for but not True Love & Healing.

The thought of healing scares shit out of me, it says I must admit what I have covered up, face it, like staring Hell in its face. I must do that, I’m afraid to do that. I must face my Dad was a Monster, my Mom a demon from Hell – that I find hard to do. I’ve been lying to myself & friends all my life, I have to change, not ready for change yet.

ME: What do you feel about me in your heart, & what do you wish for for us?

JOE: I want to be with you, only you. I want to leave my parents behind – you my one & only that loves me. I want to leave my druggie friends & that entire lifestyle. I want to stop all substances, I sure want to leave Renee. I’d like to continue seeing my child once in a while, one hour a week or every two weeks, I do care about her. I don’t want to abandon her.

ME: Are you saying your love for me is true & you want to do all the things I wanted you to do all these years, but you aren’t capable or ready?

JOE: That is correct. You’ll have to wait until the time I’m ready. If we take up again right now, it’ll be the same pattern, & it might delay what has to happen. What must occur is a shakeup on my life, like I get caught & arrested, I lose my job, I lose my income, I am on my ass & flat on my face. I have nowhere to turn, no one can or will help me. The only ones that might take me in are those evil parents, who I’ve been trying to get away from all my life but can’t. It would be going backward to be with them. Other than that, some fag might take me in, but I don’t want that either.

I have to lose all my security, the roof over my head, my income, everything. Then I’ll be ready to do what’s right, give you a relationship, otherwise I’ll keep going my sick merry way, the low road. To take the high road, I must lose it all.

ME: I’m glad I channeled you. Things came out I didn’t see before, mainly, why you’re afraid to call me, that’s a key. It’s because you know I’ll say no to sex, you’d feel rejection. When you are ready to say ‘I’m ready to have a relationship’ then you have no longer fear of calling me, as you know I’ll say yes. It’s the guy with the ring vs the guy with the hardon.

I’m a bit curious, though, about what happens to you & her in the end. Is one of you going to get arrested? The dream shows a cop, but I don’t know if it’s an earthly cop or a celestial one.

JOE: I see trouble ahead for both of us, if one of us falls, the other can’t hold them up, our relationship folds. But bad things have to happen at times for good things to come out of it. You have not succeeded in any other way with me, neither has God. God & you are One, you work together. First, God comes to us in a nice way, but we don’t listen. God tries again & again, deaf ears. Finally God has to impose the law of karma, it comes against us & we fall. Then we say, like David, ‘I was not humble until I was humbled.’ We fall off our High Horse.

Right now I am suffering because I can’t be with you, but I’m still arrogant. I think I can make it without you. I think all I need is more money. So I’m doing things to make more money – we both are. Even though money is not the answer to all things, we believe it is. We’re looking at the small picture of day to day survival. Neither one of us is willing to admit, what’s wrong with me, that I need substances? We both need help but instead of help, we continue the lifestyle with others like ourselves, like lemmings, we all eventually run off the cliff, or the blind leading the blind.

Let it happen this way. You preach about the extinction of men. That is the big picture. You don’t hear anyone else talking about it or preaching it except but one friend, because the majority don’t want to think about it or face it. So they are in denial & block the thought out of their heads. Life goes on it’s merry way, business as usual, Patriarchy keeps imposing it’s unjust laws until what? People look at the tiny picture of survival, day to day, but they don’t work for Matriarchy or Female Empowerment to save the world from men.

And that’s where Renee & I are right now. We deny the big picture, which is we need help to get us off substances, we just keep grasping to survive with drugs any way we can until it crashes down, so let it be, just like male extinction has to be to save the world, let us fall into our soup, get egg on our face, then we are forced to face reality.

ME: It is amazing to me how far down people have to fall to get the help they need. Help – mine & God’s – has been offered for years. Healing is there, but people don’t listen, until they are flat broke, homeless, maybe in jail, then they might listen. I have someone who has cancer who I can heal but she won’t listen so I can’t heal her. People hold on to the things of the world, they don’t want to change. They don’t want to make sacrifices, they don’t want to ‘suffer,’ so they keep smoking, using the microwave, speeding, keeping guns where kids can get them, having bad relationships, until they are dead.

I know a case where these young whippin’ snappin’ ministers criticized John Hagee, a man of God. As their punishment, God took them down & both guys became homeless. One was sniffing glue under a bridge. Another minister found him & offered help, but he refused, he said he wanted to stay that way. What is wrong with people? Weak, sinful, stupid, know it alls, think they’ll be fine as they are, but they aren’t. Why does it take so much for them to change?

1-24-21