Chapter 6 “Rigoletto” My Evil Brother {Channeling}
Includes some questions to Monster Mom & anecdotes
This writing is fiction, for literary purposes. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
Going back to my childhood is not a happy feeling, not when I have to think about those who hurt me. There were good times I will also explain, life was not unbearable. But let’s start with the evil stuff. I channel my brother Jimmy:
ME: I am 7 – you are almost 10, living at Delancey St. with the cobblestone back hard. You spent two days whittling with your pocket knife, a spear on a strong, long stick, with a snide smile on your face. You had an evil plan. You would make me run, holding the spear the pointed part toward me, & you said to hold the stick as close to the cobblestones as possible – you said, can you do this? It was a challenge, & you also added that I should run as fast as I could.
This resulted in the stick eventually hitting a cobblestone & the spear stabbed into my left leg far inside {I still have a large scar}. Years later I thought about it & realized you were trying to impale me on my vagina. I was disabled a long time & the wound took months to heal {I was NOT taken to the doctor to have it sewn up, my Mom was afraid to get brother in trouble.} My question is, what was your intention with this act, what satisfaction did you get out of it?
JIM: The pleasure I got out of it was that you would get hurt – maybe in a sinister way besides being painful – & I didn’t do it – you did it to yourself. I would TRICK YOU.
ME: And that would give you pleasure? Did you hate me?
JIM: People like myself & Mom, we hate everyone, it’s like we don’t have love in our hearts. You were just an object, someone to harass, laugh at, hurt for fun even before we started the concerted campaign of War on Rasa. You ask what was the pleasure? Those who are small-minded, of the world & the flesh, who have no True Love, see everyone & everything for them to use. People, animals, plants, ecology & nature are just there to be used, abused, enjoyed for whatever they want. They don’t see nature as God’s creation, to be revered, that it is Sacred, they see it all as objects for their use.
Furthermore, We of the world & flesh instantly know those few who are of God, who have good hearts & souls, & we don’t look up to you, we see you as suckers, targets, easy prey. You don’t take revenge, you forgive all who hurt you, so you are the first ones we pick on. You saw how they treated you when you were a minister & ‘Stripped for God,’ – how cruel people were. But when you turned to professional dominatrix & kicked ass, they shut their traps. You were not one to be trifled with, so they were afraid of you.
ME: I don’t understand how one could get pleasure out of hurting someone or seeing someone get hurt. I’m not saying there should be no punishment for the wicked – I have little tolerance for criminals who hurt others, people or animals – God needs to punish them & correct them whatever way She sees fit. But is it normal & natural to enjoy the pain of others, who have done no harm?
JIM: We, who are the abusers & bullies, never pick on the huge, the powerful, the strong, we pick on the small, weak, helpless, defenseless. We ourselves are weak & have small minds & hearts. It makes us feel bigger, stronger to hurt someone – but we don’t want to be hurt, so we pick on those that are harmless.
There’s the spiritual factor also. We of the flesh hate those of the Spirit of God. We know these people, a small minority, make us look bad. We aren’t all demons, but we’re not of God, we have no particular love, we’re on a lower level – & so, we hate those on a higher level. It was obvious to all of us that you loved God, that you obeyed the spiritual rules as taught us in Church & Catechism – we paid no attention, but you abided by what the nuns taught. Those of the flesh hate those of the Light.
ME: In another case, you & Mephistopheles took my teddy bear outside, fixed the doors so I could not get out of the house, then you shouted for me to come to the window. I did, & you both took my teddy & tortured him by pulling his tail, stabbing him with a knife & laughing your heads off. I tried to get out of the house to stop you but you propped the doors, so I couldn’t. Obviously, no adults were around. What pleasure did you two get out of this?
JIM: Like I said, we used you for laughs. To us your pain was funny. I was jealous because they gave you the teddy – I wanted it. So I got even. Bullies, predators & criminals feel powerful when they hurt someone, when they do wrong to others.
I will channel Mom about the spear. Mom, looking back I understand you did me harm by not taking me to the doctor, who should have sewn up this wound. The size of it took up the entire thigh, like a circumference of 6″, not just the hole, but the black & blue surrounded it, & I could not use that leg for weeks. Why didn’t you take me to the doctor?
And second, Dad was there. If you were a psycho, he wasn’t. Why didn’t he insist on taking me to the doc?
MM {Monster Mom}: Because I knew your brother was the cause of it, & didn’t want to get him into trouble. And your Dad – I was the dominant one, he obeyed me.
If we took you to the doc you would have explained how your brother tricked you into running that way, with the spear pointed at you. There was a chance they might tell authorities & they might have put him in a delinquent home. A far chance, to be sure, but it could have happened. So yes, I risked your life to make sure Jim was safe. Yes, I loved him but not you. Why did I love him but not you? He was my only son, & you were of God & loved your Dad, & I bowed to neither one. {end channel MM}
ME: Ask Jim & MM – the night there was a revelation. I had a heart attack, & I must have died temporarily, & a promise of Jesus was fulfilled ‘I promise that you will die in my arms.’ I saw this in a vision, & the two of you witnessed it.
We were in a large, old theater. There on this elevated stage as if suspended in the middle of the air, in front of the dim balcony you were both sitting, in brilliant Light, was Pope Pius XII {the Pope of my childhood}. He had been holding The Blessed Sacrament, but it fell to the floor, I tried to help him retrieve it somehow, & fell into his lap, startling him, & The Bl. Sacrament turned into a nearly one pound ROCK I had found with inscriptions embedded – that later I came to understand represented MY LIFE.
I saw the two of you sitting there in the dim light, MM on the left, Jim on the right, & you’d seen this transaction without emotion, I then moved away from the Bright Light / suspended stage, past you guys to an exit in back out the balcony, to go outside.
This vision tells me that I ‘died in the arms of Jesus’ represented by my childhood Pope – {the way Our Lord promised me in Jan 1978 during our betrothal where He gave me 3 rings made of Light on my left hand} & that I was another Bl. Sacrament, which means martyr I guess – seen as the Sacrament the Pope dropped which turned into a rock that represented ME. I was, with the Lord, in a Bright Light, while you guys, in Heaven, in a dim one.
Why did God show you this vision of me? Jim answer first, then MM.
JIM: God wanted us to see who we had abused – where you were spiritually, not to give us pain but understanding. Our minds were opened.
MM: We were shown your holiness, being One with God, & were made to see our own transgressions by abusing you. And you also had to see, that although we were in heaven, the Light or spiritual stature you had was much brighter, higher than ours, we in a dim light, you in a Bright one, same as Our Lord – a martyr. This showed the Justice of God for us & you – People like us who are abusers cannot be in a Light as brilliant as the one we abused.
ME to JIM: You eventually go to Heaven. How did you make it? And your Purgatory was not that long. Had you had a lot of Purgatory on earth?
JIM: After my youth, I had a lot of reverses, accidents – I lost my finger & eye – hardships in business, struggles with raising a family, & in the end, a horrible death from cancer. I also, because of good training, went to Church a lot throughout my life, received the Bl. Sacrament, & raised my children in the Church & exposed them to the good of the Church, had them receive the Sacraments & all that.
I improved with age & also suffered a lot, so that paid for most of my sins of youth & foolishness. Mom had also entered Heaven before me & she prayed for me every day.
ME: But you’re not in a high place, you’re in the same place as Mom, who might have ended up in Hell had I not intervened. Why then did you not go to a higher spot in Heaven, if you had changed & paid for most of your sins?
JIM: I was not a great soul like you, haha. Just a little soul, like Mom. I was never saintly or devoted, I just went from Monster to decent. I did nothing extraordinary or unusual for God’s Love, as did you, I never went out of my way, I lived for survival. People like that don’t go to high places in Heaven.
ME: Why did you obey Mom when I was 10, when she told you & Mempho to abuse me from then on? Didn’t you know that was wrong? After all, we went to Catechism & Church together, you were an altar boy.
JIM: I told you before, we went to the same places of study & devotion, but the rest of us didn’t pay that much attention. When the nuns told us to sacrifice, you said we should give up candy – we thought you were nuts. And when I broke the fence – Mom saw it through the window – asked who did it – the nuns had told us to take the blame for other’s wrong doing – so you said you did it, Mom looked at you like you were whacked.
ME: OK, so you had little virtue or True Love, people like that do not get a high place in Heaven. Dad was far from perfect, he was a decent soul – he calls himself ‘a little saint’ but you are far lower than him. He is 3 feet tall, how tall are you & Mom in Spiritual stature?
JIM: You can find us crawling on the floor, like bugs, at the feet of Dad. That is embarrassing to tell you, but I am compelled. We are like 2″ tall compared to Saints.
ME: You don’t feel big & bad any more, abusing others.
JIM: No I don’t feel proud of myself, but grateful to God for being here, I know She is just & merciful, praise God.
ME: What about the time your male friend was visiting, you were then filled with testosterone, about 15 years old, stronger than me at last, & you beat me to a pulp for a small transgression. Then the two of you chased me into the woods, he shouting ‘Let’s rape her!’ I avoided getting caught, probably because I knew the woods better than you, as I habituated them every day. What would you have done had you caught me?
JIM: God would not allow that to happen, us catching you. God spared you of being sexually abused as a child, although you suffered at the hands of men that way as an adult. What would we have done? I probably would have held you down as he raped you, but I’m not sure. Hate to think of it.
ME: Did you not see – it was so obvious, how hospitable & kind Mom was to your friends, & how cruel to mine? This friend who would have raped me. He was invited to dinner. Mom was so nervous, she burned the food. It was American style – meat & vegetables. She had never burned food before, it was because she was trying so hard to please the boy. {But of course the boy said it was delicious.}
Meanwhile, my good friend, Sandra Selchow visited me. We played outside a couple hours, it was time for dinner. Mom would not let her eat with us, she had to wait outside. I then smuggled food to her after dinner, a box of chocolate covered donuts. I ate one, she ate the rest.
How did it make you feel when you & your friends were treated so well while my friend was not even allowed to eat with us?
JIM: I felt superior. I was better than you for some reason – why I don’t know. Mom looked at me as important, you as insignificant except to use as a slave. And so, the friends of slaves are insignificant also. I had no feelings of guilt, remorse or pity for you or your friends, I was puffed up with pride.
ME: What about the way you treated me in High School that one year we were together? You walked by & ignored me, afraid people would think we knew each other. You collected stupid stories, turned into lies, which you passed to Mom, who would call Dad to make him think low of me. Like the time you heard I ran into the boy’s side of the gym {none were present} to retrieve the volley ball – the other girls wouldn’t – & that was twisted into I ENTERED THE BOYS BATHROOM AT SCHOOL – told my Dad that by long-distance phone! Other stupid things, anything to tarnish my reputation.
How did you fool the kids into believing you were hot stuff? You weren’t, but boy, did you put on an act. They voted you President of the class every year. They voted you ‘Most Likely to Succeed.’ What a joke, it should have been least likely. You left your wife & kid with nothing but a mountain of debt, & that, after Mom financed you – bought you a business. You were unable to make it on your own, every business you opened or job you got failed, even though you were a college graduate. Mom even got you a wife, her secretary. But still, with all the props, you failed, you became an alcoholic & had to go to AA. The business Mom got you, a floristry, did not flourish, you were barely getting by every year. Because you were stupid & not enterprising. How did you fool everyone?
JIM: By being propped up by Mom, making me believe I was important, I acted like I was. I was quiet but had a sort of self confidence which was false – I believed in a self that didn’t exist – that I was a great man. To prove my greatness I did well in sports, was captain of the football team, so that made me seem important. I gave off an air of superiority. A lot of people do that, who are not really great – look at King Herod, Stalin, Adolf Hitler, many of those leaders who were murderers, just look at all the men of history who were cruel & wicked, & yet, people chose them as leaders. That’s because people look from the outside in, they don’t see the heart, they see the personality, body language, arrogance, pride, & they think this person is superior. He just has to put on a show, think highly of himself. These are con artists, so I was a con artist, I hid my evil from most, but not from you, because no decent person would have abused you the way I did. So I could not fool you.
ME: So of course, you did not introduce me to our friends, who could have been my dates, but many years later I discovered you dated two of my most beautiful girl friends. You were not a brother to e, were you? A brother helps his sister find love & dates, you did the opposite.
JIM: No, I was not a brother to you, the opposite, I was your enemy. I distanced myself from you when it came to help, but I secretly reached down to your beautiful friends & tried to get with them – only it didn’t work. I had no luck with girls, I could never find a wife, because I was tongue-tied with them, I never spoke. That was part of my arrogance. I had no charm, but most people convict themselves & show how stupid they are when they talk. So nobody knew how stupid I was because I didn’t talk, haha.
And yes, I know the next question so I shall answer it. Yes, Miss Pippel gave me higher marks than you in typing class even though your average was B+, mine was B. You checked every test we took. But on the report card Miss Pippel gave me a B+ & you a B. This proves how they did tests on male & female students & discovered teachers traditionally gave males higher marks even when they’d not earned them. So you were shafted on so many levels.
Yes, you were also shafted about being a cheerleader. You were not permitted to be one after school because you had to come home & do chares, I was permitted to be a football player, no chores.
You were shafted in our family in every way a person could be, the list goes on. am I in Heaven now proud of it? No, but there is a God, & She is on the side of the downtrodden, & your day will come. You’ve already seen great success in life, even though you haven’t got the love & recognition you deserve, but that will all be straightened out in time, even while you live, & more so after you die.
ME: What about the time my dog Ciulis got hit by a car & his back leg was dislocated. Mom & I took him to the vet, who put a pin in his thigh to make it cement – the metal pin stuck out of his body, it must have been awful. Meanwhile I was sent away, kicking & screaming, to my Aunt’s. I wanted to stay with my dog. Mom swore on the bible there was nothing I could do for the dog, she would go back to the vet in a couple weeks to have the pin removed. But after I was taken away, Mom never got me for an unbearable SIX WEEKS.
When I returned discovered Mom had never taken the dog back to the vet – A lady came from the humane society, saw his condition & took her to court. She beat it with the help of the local cops from Thorn’s Milk Bar, where Mom & brother worked. They swore what a good woman she was, provided for her family, etc. {Later she betrayed them & got their privileges taken away at Thorn’s – will explain later on.}
That was why she hadn’t picked me up from the Aunt – she didn’t want me to witness her cruelty to the dog – the dog she swore to care of.
Now to my question. When I came home, the poor dog, with that painful pin in his bone, sticking out through his flesh, seemed to not even recognize me, his pain was so great. But beyond that he was tied with a chain that was super old, the kind that siezes up, crinkles, gets shorter & shorter as the dog moves around, until he could only move a foot on the metal bar. And it was raining. I went out & unfastened the chain again & again, feeling pity but not knowing what I could do. I come into the house, & you & Mempho are sitting there at the table, doing something. You never even greeted me after my absence of six weeks. I then say to you guys,
“It’s raining, & the dog’s chain keeps getting seized up, & he can’t even get into the shed when it does that. Could you help me in checking on him every half hour, & unseize the chain from time to time?”
You both gave me a cold, contemptuous look, did not even answer, & went back to your project. What were you feeling then?
JIM: I was feeling that I was important, that what we were doing was important, that the dog was insignificant, we had no feelings for his pain, that you were insignificant, & if you wanted to do anything for the dog, you’d have to do it yourself – case closed. You did not even deserve a ‘hello, how are you’ after your absence.
ME: On the long trip back from North Salem, NY, Mom was driving me – she also complained about you guys – that you refused to weed the Bl. Virgin Garden. And the first thing I did upon our return, I spent several hours & got all the weeds out of the garden, bleeding up to my shoulders with the scratches from the roses. Why did you guys not weed the Holy Virgin’s Garden?
JIM: Again, what did we care? It was none of our business, we had better things to do. Mom was conning you into feeling sorry for her & weeding the garden all by yourself. She planted the garden, why didn’t she weed it?
ME: But you were her vassals, you obeyed her, but not in all things?
JIM: We obeyed her, but in things that were easy to do, fun, like beating you up, ignoring you, having contempt for you – seeing your pain. That we obeyed. But weeding the garden of roses, where we’d work hard & get scratched up, that was not fun, so why would we do it?
ME: Weren’t you ashamed of yourselves?
JIM: We had no shame. Our pride blinded us. We felt like superior beings.
ME: What about the time you guys – Mom, Mempho & you, were all three sitting at the dining room table, working on things. I thought to myself, hey, this is nice, I’ll join them with my homework. I go get my books, & sit down with you at the table.
Mom looks at me witheringly & says,
“You’re not a pretty sight to look at.”
The two of you laugh. I am embarrassed & ashamed, I know I’m not welcome, so I leave the table & go to my room.
I must have been about 11 because that’s when I had the slice above my lip – I thought maybe the wound makes me look ugly. Mom & Jim would catch the roosters for Sunday supper, the two of them would chop off their heads. But the last rooster – all my pets – called Opera – they could not catch. He was the loudest, fastest, most aggressive. But I could catch any animal, including him. I did catch him but while I was holding him he sliced my face above my lip – I still had that wound. Was it the wound or was I just ugly? This incident made me feel unworthy, unwanted & unattractive, those words ‘You’re not a pretty sight to look at’ went right into my heart. I will channel MM now.
ME: MM, why did you say those words to me? To ostracize me from your company, make me feel I wasn’t worthy to be in your company?
MM: I despised you, & this was a chance, a good one, to demoralize you, make you feel pain, & I knew the others would back me up – a golden opportunity to hurt you. Yes, I was satisfied, another slap in the face, another punch, all added up to a complete run down of your natural pride & self esteem – we were the winners, you the loser.
