3-15-22 Lover Nervous Breakdown

 

          I’m with an old bf named Kahell & he’s sitting at the boudoir/table with mirror of my apt in B’klyn. I’ve been near him now for a while & each time I call his attention he turns to me but while he was turned away he had a fierce angry look on his face – when he turns to me it gets mild.

 

          *** (KAHELL EXTREME ANGER: This was a guy who lived in his ego & delusions of grandeur. He was nothing but a drug dealer – addict – & jail bird, I were relieved to finally get rid of him. What a lesson I learned! Mother God, I need your Light – why is he Kahell?

          MG: This is how he feels in ego in his flesh not in his Soul. His DELUSIONS HAVE BEEN SMASHED. He, Bob, {yes, it’s Bob the Lover again} has also lived in delusions about himself, you & the two of you. It’s over – delusions smashed leads to DESPAIR – loss of hope.

          This is one of the symptoms of GRIEF, grief is sorrow over loss – he’s angry at what he’s lost, part of which is YOU & all the good you brought or could have.

The boudoir /table with MIRROR, in B’klyn: He is LOOKING IN THE MIRROR at himself, his life, & it’s not a pretty sight – the reality is bad. He’s in front of the mirror, but looking left, at the PAST {what has left} & he equates the mistakes of the past with what he is, where he is now. So the past & the mirror are what he sees & is angry about) ***

 

          This time I just tap him with one finger on his right shoulder, he turns again the same way, extreme anger from the left, when his face turns to me it’s soft but eyes full of tears & close to DESPAIR, like he’s going to have or is already having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. 

Note:  the men in these images are my models, not the lover I’m dreaming about

 

          *** (TAP WITH ONE FINGER ON HIS SHOULDER: In my vocabulary, the right shoulder houses the secret wound of Jesus which is not spoken of, here the wood of the Cross bore into his flesh down to the bone. And so, this wound of Bob’s – losing you – his grief over you – is his SECRET. He is so sensitive to this loss that your ONE FINGER on his shoulder gets a reaction.) ***

 

         I am REALLY CONCERNED as I feel he’s CRACKING UP.

          I speak to him GENTLY & say,

          “Would you like to go see your Mother? She might give you some COMFORT.”

At that thought he sort of looks forward WITH HEAD DOWN like for some reason he can’t do it – don’t know why he can’t.

 

*** (WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE YOUR MOTHER? HE’S GOT HIS HEAD DOWN FORWARD, LIKE FOR SOME REASON HE CAN’T: Mother is the one who gives him Mother Love – which is what he’s always needed, unconditional True Love. That only comes from you, so you ARE HIS MOTHER. Yes, all women have some maternal love that they give to children, but you are the one sent him by God to be that person. He is PRIMARILY GRIEVING OVER YOU – other things like his music, could not take your place, nothing could – he’s been with numerous other women but had no feelings for them.

His SHAME – knowing he’s been in the wrong – & LACK OF CONFIDENCE stop him from calling you. He’s AFRAID you’ll REJECT HIM that you’re done with him, you’ve found another man. He can’t face the thought of your rejection.) ***

 

MEANING: {Mother God speaking} Mother is YOU. He’s close to despair, as this says, & at the end when you suggest seeing you he has GIVEN UP HOPE mostly.

ME: What is his problem? He has my numbers, why doesn’t he just call?

MG: He does not have the CONFIDENCE. When you were chasing him it was so easy, he did not have to do a thing, just access you whenever it pleased him. He didn’t have to worry, put any effort into it, treat you any way he wanted, & you always there, loving him & acting like he was doing you a favor.

All that ended 2 years ago & it took a while for him to settle in his mind that you would not pursue him again, he could not access you easily, he’d have to do something about it.

As the months & then 2.5 years went by he repented, but he DID NOT DO THE RIGHT THING & repentance is one step, but dong something to repair / remedy one’s past actions HE FAILED TO DO.

ME: But I’m worried he’ll crack up. Can there be permanent damage to his mind if something doesn’t give soon? Jesus appeared a few days ago, took love from me & gave it to him – now this. What should I do? Shall I write him?

MG: At this point it might be best to write him again & give him your #s in case he lost them.

ME: In the dream when he’s looking to the left & then turns to me, he’s very angry. As soon as he faces me he gets mild. What is he angry about?

MG: He’s angry at LIFE. He’s angry for what happened in the past, the way things worked out, his disappointments & failures. Mostly he’s angry AT HIMSELF.

ME: Why is he angry at himself?

MG: He knows he did wrong. He wronged you. He took you for granted, mistreated you, hurt you, & he wanted to hurt you. He was taking out his frustrations & anxieties that he had about life in general, specifically his parents, & he poured out these negative feelings on the one who loved him unconditionally – you – the way men do a lot, the way people do, ‘you always hurt the one you love.’

He hurt you because YOU WERE SAFE. You never hurt him except pretending to be with guys when 90% of the time you weren’t even with them. That was all you did – nothing else. But he on purpose hurt you again, again & again to take out his angst & frustrations on you as I said.

You did so much loving things for him, in particular photographing him & creating a book – which he not only did not appreciate, but HE STOPPED SPEAKING TO YOU FOR 9 MONTHS BECAUSE OF THE PICTURES – because his FRIENDS MADE FUN OF HIM – lowlife drug addict, delinquent friends he tossed you aside for.

Then he did the UNFORGIVEABLE. He put Ruthie as his WIFE on social media, for the world to see, while eventually making up with you but just to use you to milk the love out of you & keeping you secret. You got no respect, consideration or public acknowledgement. You went along with this for 3 years when finally GOD PUT A STOP TO IT by circumstances & GOD helped you get over him so you’d stop chasing him & the ball was on his side of the park to hit. But he didn’t hit it, just did a lot of things to invite / urge you to start chasing him again, but you were stronger than him this time. He’d never been strong in the first place, except in ignorance & mule-like stubbornness in wrong doing.

          He is angry re HIS CAREER – not going anywhere. He’s compromised himself with fags to try to get some place – nothing doing & never will. This makes him ANGRY. His rapper friends get dozens of likes, even hundreds, but his songs get 5 likes at the most sometimes NONE.    He can’t understand why. The reason is because PEOPLE DON’T LIKE HIM. Why do they not like him? Because he doesn’t show love, he’s not dependable or charming & doesn’t reciprocate, like for example, doesn’t return calls or letters. The way he treated you he in general treats others – though NOT AS BADLY, but it’s bad enough so they don’t put LIKES on his music, whereas the other guys respond to people when they write or call, they act normal – he doesn’t. He’s NOT NORMAL, he NEEDS HELP. And no one CAN or WILL help him sincerely EXCEPT YOU. Your love has been UNCONDITINAL & he took ADVANTAGE OF IT.

To make matters short, he hates the fact that HE’S GOT NOWHERE WITH HIS MUSIC – not even a pleasant HOBBY where people approve of him. He’s got no audience, except for a couple of die-hard losers.

You attempted to help him. You would have used the fame of a modeling career to segue into bigger things – like music, TV, even movies – but he’s so PROUD he felt he could do it BY HIMSELF, that he KNEW MORE ABOUT THE BUSINESS THAN YOU DID – forgetting you already achieved fame & fortune by doing it right. He PROVED HIMSELF WRONG, that he COULD NOT SUCCEED & now he’s reaping the rewards of failure – a feeling of SHAME & humble pie.

About success – in 2020 you were AUDITIONED for a REALITY TV SHOW where they wanted YOU & YOUR YOUNG LOVER but you knew HE WOULD NOT COOPERATE & told them so. You asked them if you could SUBSTITUTE one of your models who’d do it for money – after all, it could have been a model you had an affair with, but they said no, it had to be the guy you were having a serious affair with – he was the only one. They would have paid each of you thousands of dollars a week – but you had tried to do things like that with him before & he ignored you.

ME: OK so he’s angry re his career, what else is he angry for?

MG: You of course, he lost you, he lost you for the way he used you – to drain your love energy once a month through sex & keep you pining away the rest of the time. He lost his racket. He did not lose you in True Love, but he’s not done what he should do to receive it.

ME: Anything else?

MG: His initial wound, he’s angry about what he won’t own up to – his parents. His Dad abused him, his Mom allowed it, but he won’t admit it any more.

He felt becoming a famous rap artist would justify him, the way you justified yourself against your family by being a star – except for him, it didn’t work. You know why it didn’t work, because he was a fool, & now he KNOWS HE WAS A FOOL & who does he hate the most? – HIMSELF.

You know well why it didn’t work. When God gave him the GRACE, through you, to help him become SOME BODY he forfeited you & it, thinking he knew better than you, he would not humble himself to receive your help, although he did & continues to humble himself with a fag to get his music done. But it ain’t workin’. And now he knows it. How many years have passed? About 12 years of trying & NOTHING. And you told him it wouldn’t work except as a hobby, but it isn’t even a good hobby as he gets no likes, no approval, no audience.

ME: OK explain his mental state & what danger is in it, like losing his mind & ending up in the psyche ward? Or taking too much drugs & OD’ing? What about his drugs? He’s always drowned his pain in drugs & booze aren’t they working for him any more?

MG: They’re not working like they used to, he needs more & more & he hasn’t got the money to pay for all he wants. So he’s left with lots of pain, it’s deep.

What will happen? I don’t know. Maybe the letter you write will help him call you & make amends. If he ignores it it might be months before he does anything, even years. We shall see, just surrender it all to God.