11-23-20 Former husband sicker than I realized

 

 

He is so sick he’s rather REPULSIVE & I wonder if I should marry him {he doesn’t seem to have much longer to live but he has so much money. Shall I bear being intimate with him when I’m so repulsed by the thought of him kissing me?}
My good husband Rich & I have been estranged for a long time. Now we are back, he’s sort of courting me hoping I’ll marry him & it was a possibility.
*(GOOD HUSBAND: This always represents my ‘present’ ex-Lover, spiritual husband, when his attitude to me is True Love. This underscores, along with several other dreams, that he’s being positive toward me.)*
We go to the MOST EXCLUSIVE restaurant & are given a table.

*(EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT: A restaurant usually means NOURISHMENT, & includes camaraderie, sharing or affection – a possible LOVE FEAST. This is ex-Lover & I meeting spiritually / emotionally because he has repented of his ways & is ready to reconcile {although its been long in coming, the parting has lasted a year & four months.})*

There was a lot going on both inside & outside the place. Something gruesome outside:
I had seen a spot, dug out on the side of the road, where beggars & bums go. Animals – strays & rats – also go there. This spot has some sort of meat in it, possibly garbage thrown out by a restaurant. The meat, after I look at it, gets spoiled after some time, looks ratchet. It has a fuzzy, goldeny surface. First I saw animals eating it, then I see a WOMAN, desperate, looking for sustenance.

*(DESPERATE WOMAN: This is probably me after the way Lover Bob did me, desperate, driven insane, looking for sustenance of love after our relationship had gone bust.)*
She comes over to this carved-out hole & not only does she take the meat, but all that is in it including a dead, rotting animal. She is taking it like a valuable resource, something precious hugged to her chest, I imagine, to wherever she resides.

 

*(DEAD, ROTTING MEAT, EVEN A DEAD ANIMAL, HOLDS IT TO HER CHEST: This is what I went through during our love affair, which made me ‘insane’ – The dead meat & animal is him being lost to me, the love being lost, all my emotions – holding this dead stuff to my heart like a treasure.)*

The woman has dark shortish hair, looks normal, has on a white top, medium weight, just average looking, but as I hear her ranting I know she’s insane; you can hear the hysteria in her voice.
*(WHITE TOP: Hints that it was because of the ‘failed marriage’ I had deteriorated emotionally to this state.)*

What was I doing there? I’m in the middle of a hilly city, busy, all kinds of neighborhoods, all kinds of vehicles, some wide-open urban spaces. I seem to have been in a vehicle but there were problems & I was kind of lost as to which way to go. And walking here & there I stumbled upon this area which is not in a dark alley, it’s open to the sky, but off the beaten path & animals, derelicts & the desperate go here.

*(I AM LOST: The woman desperate is the flesh, the lower self. Is this the God Self lost, not knowing where to go next – what path to take, what action?)*

As I walk it’s kind of the lady follows me, ranting & raving, carrying that gruesome bundle in her arms like it was of great value. What would she do with it at ‘home’ I wondered.

*(GRUESOME BUNDLE, TAKING IT HOME: This is when a person suffers GRIEF, grief can make one go, to some degree, insane – mental illness.)*

But then I do somehow find my way to the tryst with Rich. The place is right in the city where I was wandering, now I found it.
We’re escorted into this exclusive place & put at a table – possibly round – the backs of the chairs are elegantly round also. I look good, am well dressed. Rich goes to the rest room.

*(FIND MY WAY: I get over the grief, I am whole again, I know where I am – we are. {It is his turn to experience the grief of loss, as depicted in this dream & hundreds of others.)*

After I am seated an old lady who is semi-crippled is put at the table to my left. She had to have her feet elevated, so it became crowded against my table. For my benefit, they moved her about 6-8′ away from me, I now have plenty of room to stretch out.

 

*(OLD LADY, SEMI CRIPPLED, NEEDS FEET ELEVATED: This is me again, my flesh, no longer insane but needing support. Here my flesh is too close for comfort, & the hosts move here away at a comfortable distance, so this would be separation from my lower self which has been the damaged party. However, notice where this part of me is now – enjoying the feast, the exclusive restaurant with my Higher Self & Lover who has been brought low through our separation. I am healed, he is not. My flesh is good but needs some ‘prop’ – my God Self has found its rightful position – which is ME BEING IN CHARGE. {He’s courting me, wishing for union/marriage, I am not chasing him nor grieving at his behavior.})*

There was an issue about the chair for Rich. I insisted they give him a good one, a full chair with arm rests. The back, seat & part of the arm rests are a black net, but it’s a comfortable & more exclusive chair. There was a plain one there with no arm rests – it’s like grey thin bars. He sat there saying it was good enough, but I insisted on the better one. I knew he needed a decent chair as I see he’s having problems.

*(THE CHAIR: Where he sits is his position at this love feast. I have given him SEPARATION – the black is the funeral or absence of me in the flesh – it might be a criss cross design which indicates ‘your place in my life is crossed out.’
His simpler, less luxurious chair depicts thin grey bars – which would be imprisonment. Mother God, I am stumped. What would that be? And no arm rests.
She: Prison being better than being absent. Is it being a ‘prisoner of love?’ The arms represent the strength to love. He would lose his strength or support of it, being disabled. It’s kind of like being between a rock & a hard place. But you insist on the more ‘luxurious’ chair meaning your absence is crucial for him to experience the pain of loss. This pain is the ‘megaphone of God’ – which demonstrates a misery that makes him finally appreciate you, at last he sees the pain. This brings him to you in repentance, on bended knee, courting you or submitting in hopes of union. Prior to that he was in charge & inflicted the pain of loss & insanity onto you. As predicted long ago, the tables would turn.)*
His situation gets clear as the time here goes on.
*(TIME HERE: The time of my absence.)*

After about twenty minutes, I wonder if he fell into the toilet. He might have passed out or has a serious episode there.

*(REST ROOM, 20 MINS: He’s trying to escape the pain, hiding from it. Could be with his recreational activities & substances.)*

I get up & walk to the rest room toward the front. Just then he emerges. He’s trying to pretend he’s alright but I know he’s not. He’s tall, paunchy like in real life, wearing brown knitted clothes with some bright spots, like yellow, on his body – maybe a scarf, not sure what.

*(EMERGES, BROWN OUTFIT YELLOW SPLASH: Brown is the next lowest color to black, it is great suffering. The yellow splash is he is a coward so he doesn’t reach out to me, call me, & express his interest. He’s fronting.)*

He manages to get to our table. We had ordered an exclusive meal like the best steak or something but as we eat I glance at his dish & it is no longer the same dish – it’s a round light blue bowl with white spaghetti-type noodles twirling in hot soup. This is a whole different meal, it’s not exclusive or expensive, I guess the time elapsed from the first – that’s how long he was sick in the bathroom & dilly dallied.

 

*(THE TWO MEALS, FIRST ONE EXPENSIVE, EXCLUSIVE, NOW LESS THAN THAT: He finds something to console, comfort him about me. We are still together in the dream, so he feels hope, some positive feelings. But they’re not as strong as they used to be, he isn’t sure.

EXPENSIVE STEAK MEAL VS SPAGHETTI NOODLE SOUP MEAL HE IS NOW HAVING {it seems like I ate the good meal, he gets this ‘seconds’ or inferior one}
This represents REAL SEX vs no sex – the steak is the valuable, expensive sex vs the spaghetti noodles are a LIMP DICK for him. In other words, a wet noodle represents a limp dick.  Somehow I had great pleasure or ‘ate’ the expensive meal already, but he isn’t enjoying sex with me any more – he is not having ‘pleasure’ or ‘great emotional nutrition.’  I am not ‘eating’ this ‘displeasure’ as I no longer care re. the sex.)*

It comes across to me that he is so sick he is DYING & I think that I now have to make a decision about marrying him. I find him physically REPULSIVE, like kissing him on the lips would disgust me, so can I marry him like he hopes, & have sex?

*(HE IS NOW REPULSIVE: I no longer desire him for sex – the sex has evaporated, which renders safety & freedom for my flesh.)*
There are benefits to me, what about that?

*(HE IS SO SICK HE IS DYING: This would be some sort of psychological death, possibly giving up faith & hope in us. As they say ‘Something in me died.’
I want the benefits he would bring me, however, but there must be benefits or I won’t have him. That means I AM IN CHARGE. In other words, before, when he drove me insane, I would have him at any cost. Desperation degraded me. Now I don’t want him this says, he has to give me BENEFITS. Now I have LEVERAGE.
‘You have to do what I want or I won’t have you. That means I am not your back door woman, but publicly recognized wife.’)*
I don’t know how we manage this meal but time has gone by. I thought it was evening & the place would close, but now it’s the middle of the day, a lunch crowd has entered. I see the crowd in that room behind us wearing the same colors as Rich has on, brown with a yellow splash.

*(NEW DAY, LUNCH CROWD WEARING HIS COLORS: This might be the never-ending pattern of life, people learning their lessons in relationships, the same lessons over & over. It never ends as long as life goes on.)* ………………………………………………………………

 

11-18-20 – Previous husband back bald with Yamaka

 

I prayed yesterday as I watched Amy Allen, asking her about my previous Lover & forever spiritual husband, how did he affect me when we were together, & she said
“He DRAINED you.”
{Not like an evil soul with bad intentions, more like a baby. He was not out to destroy you; he’s in love with you but needy she explained.}
I then asked her how will it be different when we live together in the near future {around Sept. 2022}. This dream might be the answer.

I see myself with my ex-best friend, Joe the accountant, & he’s driving me in a big car through the city. The city seems to be ‘the Bronx,’ large, sprawling, huge. I’m not that familiar with it but he is, & I say,

*(THE BRONX: Represents a war zone in the city, the urban jungle, the ghettos of the city. He’s taking me on a virtual tour, the orange vehicle will say there’s a lesson here.)*
“You really know your way around.”
I’m not in the front / passenger seat but in the back to the right, leaning forward.
He & I were separated a long time, now we are back together as husband & wife. I sense he’s being careful with his behavior, as he learned his lesson.
I see the city sprawling around us, a wide vista. We are about to go over a smallish bridge. I see some sort of  bus way to the front / left, it’s soft like some kind of plastic. He knows the city well & seems to be a good guide & driver for me, we are going back to where we used to be long ago.

*(ORANGEY BUS: represents school or lessons of life we have both learned, no doubt. He learned to respect God & myself, I learned not to chase him & give in to him.)

He leans his head back for a moment & something is EXPOSED that would embarrass him greatly, so I’m not going to say anything to him about it. He’s wearing a TOUPEE – I had no idea he had one on until if flipped off partially, exposing he is way bald on top. His had is flatish on top & I already knew he was balding in front, but didn’t know he’d gone completely bald on top.

*(BALDNESS: When your hair falls out, it means total stress, anxiety, like ‘I am ripping my hair out.’ It’s when you’re at ‘the end of your rope’ or can’t find your way out of a situation. Sometimes it means you have lost your mind or gone ‘insane.’
So I knew he was stressed out over my departure, but I didn’t know how complete that despair was – now I see it & it would embarrass him – as he likes to keep up a front.
A man’s baldness also says, in this dream, he’s gotten older, more mature.)*

The toupee is round & seems to have a RIM, like a cloth edge with a small design, with maybe little x’s in the design. I resolve to say nothing as he will be so embarrassed for me to know he’s so bald & trying to look good for me with this toupee.
*(YAMAKA: This shows religious RESPECT. You cannot enter the Temple or be by the ‘waiting wall’ without the Yamaka.
This says he found a NEW RESPECT FOR ME & what I stand for in his life, as he saw what he experienced when I was gone. The x’s symbolize ‘gone’ or ‘x’d out.’
This is saying,
“He has matured, changed, in general, & by the traumatic experience of you leaving him. He has gained a new healthy respect for you & will not be the same, he will treat you decently.”)*
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Nightmare of 11-17-20 – Bear Chases Me

 

I was out on a bank somewhere watching two medium sized bears below just hanging around – did not see their Mom. I don’t feel in danger at all.
*(TWO YOUNG BEARS: Are two men I was going to work with soon – the appointment seemed harmless, they were going to help me with something.)*

Then the Mom appears & she comes after me! I am scared & run like Hell. She keeps after me & the chase goes on & on.

*(MOM appears, comes after me: The Mom is the parent or origin of a SPIRIT possessing these two men – an EVIL spirit! They of themselves seem harmless & innocent, but after I made the appointment a feeling of DREAD came over me & PURSUED me.
Bears are usually pain & suffering, for example, the ‘bear’ market is a negative one, the ‘bull’ market is positive.)*

We go over water, a large expanse like an ocean. She goes in the water after me, not sure how we move but we both seem to be on top of the water. It’s taken me so much energy to stay ahead of her.

*(PURSUES ME: A feeling of dread pursued my mind & heart after I made the appointment, I could not get rid of it.)*

Suddenly as she pursues me there is a man close to the bank in front of her, with his back to her, in a floating leisure balloon lounger, light blue, leaning back relaxing. The bear is blocked by this man between us & the man suddenly sees her & says loudly,
“Get out of here!”
He isn’t scared but the bear bites his head off & I see his head to the right of him thereafter, but this is vague, like a vision. I see a trail of ginger color, like a powder, scattered between where his head was & where it’s gone.
The man is GINGER – red hair, red mustache & beard, handsome, like someone I knew long ago who warned me not to date black men – how selfish & mean they were – & I resented his advise.
And so, this is how I GET AWAY.

*(GINGER MAN: Someone stands between me & THIS SPIRIT – he removes it or does EXORCISM,
“Begone Satan!”
which this man’s Presence makes me call both men & cancel our appointment.
The bear biting off his head might symbolize what this spirit would do to me. I ask Mother God, what does biting off the head mean?
She: It means affecting the head / brain in a negative way,
“She bit my head off”
would be biting language, cruel words, meanness. They would affect your head this way even if they did not say anything, but the way they feel toward you, the evil spirit of Satan is in them & hates you – both of them hate you as they hate God – Satan is their origin or directing their souls. This reveals to me that one of the men who I did not credit with being against God or hating me is hostile toward both – a surprise, but I shouldn’t wonder as of recent times when he was due here I felt DREAD.
The man is a saint or angel, could be Jesus or the Spirit of Jesus, as in some images Jesus is a redhead & has a mustache & beard. He is the SPIRIT OF LOVE.
The Spirit of Love stood between myself & Satan & banished him, by banishing these men.)*

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Errol Flynn loves me! 11-16-20

 

Errol Flynn is in front of me, so handsome & charming, & he’s telling me how much he likes / loves me. The most striking comment he made was,

*(ERROL FLYNN: Jesus, the Spirit of Love. He appears as Flynn because EF was famous for his beauty.)*

“I love the way you walk.”

*(LOVE THE WAY YOU WALK: Walk represents one’s lifestyle, like talk is your beliefs, so you can ‘talk the talk’ but can you ‘walk the walk?’ which means do you LIVE UP TO YOUR BELIEFS?
This hearkens back to the prayers I made that night, hours of them, for the entire world, people & animals & Souls in Purgatory. Jesus liked them.)*

The most surprising part is his wife is to the left of him, about 7-8′ away, she’s far, with dark hair but good looking. She comes forward & somehow is supportive & understanding. She knows he loves me & is not jealous, seems to be OK with it.

*(WIFE OF JESUS: Holy Mary, the Feminine Divine. She agrees with Jesus, She liked my prayers also. She isn’t jealous as She is my Holy Mother.)*

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