9-13-22                His Choice – too ashamed to admit what a fool he was

 

Nick now sees clearly what a fool he was to chose Ruth Anne over me.  It was evil & he forfeited the benefits I brought him.

He is so embarrassed he can’t admit it. And everyone he knew knows he was a fool – that embarrasses him the most.

 

The beginning is terrible frustration, confusion.

I’m going on a trek. This gets vague. It’s going out like being feted, then not exactly that, but sort of vague connections with this person or that person. I leave from a comfortable apt where I’m supposed to check in with my host later, I have a key I think & a phone number. Later I CAN’T FIND this phone number when I get lost in the mall, great frustration. I needed my host to tell me the ADDRESS as I am a VISITOR & can’t recall how to get there.

What I do remember is this young man who seemed to be dressed in light blue, somehow with me but not with me, just totally unusual as he was with me at first, then seemed to be sitting at a different table. This restaurant where I do recall him was spread out, with dozens of people at little tables; the color light blue is everywhere. He has medium honey blonde hair, almost in a ‘Dutch’ style where it has bangs, straight across, & cut straight across just under the ears – This in a soft way, not extreme, slightly tousled. Then he disappears.

Then I wander through the mall trying to figure out how do I get out of here & back to my host, & I don’t have my cell phone, so I look for change – can’t find any although I know I had some before. Then I look for a phone booth. I find a phone booth, but don’t have the change or the number which I know I wrote down on a white slip of paper but where is it? I’m still somehow trying to make the call, maybe borrowing some change, it is cumbersome & I can sometimes recall numbers, so I’m trying.

 

*** {MEANING: This terribly FRUSTRATING part is when you went out INTO THE WORLD at the behest or order of God & attempted to do as She said. She said quit the celibacy, go out & HAVE FUN. What you were LOST FROM was Mother God, you lost your Intimacy, Nonduality or Enlightenment consciousness.

This is a CLEAR EXPLANATION of how one; when they put their mind on things OTHER THAN GOD, lose their Intimacy & what else I stated, of God.

{God knew this would happen of course but you didn’t understand it fully until now.}

So here I am in the world, involved, my mind on people, & the young male who appears that I am focused on is NICK. He is with me, he isn’t. Like musical chairs, he comes & goes, he is jumping from here to there, when finally he ABANDONS ME for that drug partner. That’s his DISAPPEARANCE. {After a while we continued doing sex but he was gone as my steady, which being steady was not steady in the strict sense of the word, but we were a couple. This is not portrayed in the dream like its irrelevant to the dream. All that is relevant is he left me for a drug partner.}     

The whole scene in blue including him is probably not the blue of depression, but the BLUE OF BOYS, me being a Cougar, they the young men. They are everywhere, especially on my mind, many small tables; Nick is hanging with them a lot – shows all the young males & Nick one of them, many tables.

The HOST who sent me out, my base, who also is my benefactor is of course God. I leave God to go out into the world. I thought I had the means of getting back – which is the address or phone number & the means of getting that phone call or communication with Her – BUT I DON’T. I can’t get back to my Host, God! Imagine how frustrating that is for me. Nick has left me, God has left me, I am truly LOST. This was my state during the time outside of God & even a while after, until I go cleared out, cleansed & clarified – it’s an important point that God, myself & Nick all agreed, that had I consented to continue seeing him for sex, I would have been in misery, as all that lost-ness would have come back. He’d been with his drug partner, & I’d be in the middle of the deep blue ocean without a paddle for my canoe.}***

 

Somehow this entire mall scene ends & another scene begins. The next part is not frustrating at all, it is PEACE.

 

*** {PEACE: All this being outside ends. I stopped seeing Nick, got him out of my system, & then as predicted long ago, he dies.} ***

 

Before this starts there’s one scene that I know is Nick & his drug partner. She is standing across from him maybe behind a counter. She’s beautiful, her hair is black in an unusual hairdo. There’s a pony tail on top of her head, the hair clasped facing her on the left to right, a large bundle of hair going across her entire head, like 25% of all the hair on her head like this. Her skin is clear & light, her features even, a good vision.

She’s talking to Nick & he to her but there is something WRONG. Why her façade is insufficient although beautiful. As he talks & talks, the physical disappears & there is nothing beyond it – She is just physical, no spirituality, no substance. All there is. Now that he is dead he sees this. I see it also – I never realized she was totally devoid of spirituality before.

 

*** {BEAUTIFUL FEMALE DEVOID OF SPIRITUALITY: His drug partner, who I call Ruth Anne, looks good on the OUTSIDE but there is nothing INSIDE. We all see this clearly now. All that was attractive or seductive about her was of this world & the flesh – & the demon drugs. Seeing past that, there is NOTHING. He sees this now.

Her hair. The meaning here is HORIZONTAL. Horizontal is not vertical. Vertical points to the sky, upward, Heaven. Horizontal is earth, temporary, the world, people, everything of time & space. This is ON TOP of her head is what is most important to her, No. 1, her mind & heart are of this world. Her allure is of this world, nothing spiritual, it ends, it is a chimera, fool’s gold, fake.} ***

 

Then there is a sort of contest.

It’s vague, but both myself & another woman want to marry Nick. I can’t explain the process or anything in between, but she gets him, I’m out. I know there were scenes, but I’ve forgotten.

The next scene is easier to recall. We are in B’klyn. Several scenes here, this is HOME. In many of my dreams, I find this place to be my center. {It was here that I had my most significant spiritual experiences – Seeing God Face to Face, Divine Stigmata, & other experiences – Holy Mary appearing to me, giving me 3 rings of Light encircling me, the evangelical virtues. She also appears & asks me to take the vow of celibacy, etc. – Jesus as Julius Caesar appears, Mystical Union with Humanity of Jesus – Gift of Contemplation from St. Mary of Agreda.}

 

*** {This is the HOME where God is. It is what you had to leave to find Nick & try to save him. Home is Heaven. It is Peace, happiness, fulfillment, all that is good. Away from home is the wilderness where anything can happen, the danger zone, the place of testing & hardship, the place of turmoil, frustration, confusion, & uncertainty.} ***

But now everything has changed. The dream doesn’t say it directly, but it is JUDGEMENT DAY.

Nick appears, like in the sky, in front of my building, like 6 stories up, the top of him, his head or bust, just hovering there & he is answering for his CHOICE.

The files are opened, & there’s a file on me vs the one on the lady he chose to ‘marry’ on earth.

In my files it shows that I am a millionaire. Hers I don’t recall but I think the scene of her being only ‘physical’ is relevant.

The entire neighborhood is looking at him to ADMIT what his choice was. He has to speak it.

So we go through the stories of both women, her & me. And then, before the entire neighborhood of everyone that knows or knew him, he has to say it,

“I chose” & he must say who.

But he can’t or won’t, he is too ashamed or embarrassed. He just sits there silent. I urge him to say it but he is dumb.

The idea is vision. He has seen it now, his friends, the whole hood sees it, I see it. I am sort of defiant as I urge him to speak as he is so ashamed.

 

*** {MEANING: JUDGEMENT, MUST ADMIT WHO HE CHOSE, he can’t say it: This is now the vision & understanding fully, of what he did with his life. He chose the wrong woman & with it, the wrong path.

She was bereft of anything meaningful in life. She was drugs, the world, the people, the hood, the shallow fun, the escapism of Cloud 9, all that is temporary, anti-God, anti Eternal. He chose all that is low for all that is High, all that is temporary for all that is eternal, he chose bad instead of good.

On the other side of her was me. I represent God. I came to him as an emissary from God, warning him, for one thing, if he did not quit drugs he would die young of an overdose.

He started with me being sort of close, then he wandered & ran around with his ‘friends’ & other females, when he CHOSE one that answered all his twisted dreams – It was being right with those that were wrong, gaining their approval & dubious respect, & having a steady supply of drugs because of his new drug partner.

On the other hand was salvation in the form of me.

I would support him on is road to recovery, get him off drugs, help him establish a life which would have meaning. He could have a career; he would learn the important things in life, do things with meaning instead of drudgery work & partying every weekend.

The dream doesn’t say everything, just that I am a millionaire; this symbolizes both the transient world & the spiritual. I came to save him on both fronts, this world & the next, but he turned the other way.

This is so hard to face he can’t say it.

He is now standing or hovering in a place that represents the height of God. He sees it clearly & is ashamed & embarrassed.

And somehow, it is before everyone – those people he once was afraid to be criticized by, they all know he was a fool – everyone knows & that’s what’s so hard for him to face – these people.} ***