Chapter 8   Begin Cougering    The Condom Breaker

written 10-2-22

The IMAGES here are NOT CabHell – My models – I will not post pics of CabHell any place as he was a swine & he might be alive somewhere if not dead from an overdose & might convince someone to sue me if he can get it for free

See end for reaction to article from Pete Jackson 

 

 

          Some of these guys are so UNPLEASANT to think about it’s an ORDEAL writing about them. But I must so just go for it.

Yes, I can see why many people CAN’T write their life stories nor do they want to TALK ABOUT the past because the SHYT you go through & the SHYTS you met are painful to remember. In remembrance you FEEL the awful things you felt then. But God has given me the grace to write this life story; She’ll give me the ability to look at it in the state of NONDUALITY. In that consciousness the pains of the past seem FAR AWAY – like it happened to SOMEONE ELSE.

 

This guy, I’ll name him CabHell as he was the road or ride to Hell. Anyone who got mixed up with him was in for it, I did later physically for a moment saw 2 of his girl friends & heard about one. Let me describe that.

After I had broken up with Cab I was in this seedy club by the river – on Conklyn Ave – they called it the Conklyn Bar – – where among the crowd dozens of drug dealers would congregate, actually do drugs in the men’s room. The owner was a Jewish guy, weighed about 400 lbs, & asked me on a date! He was so fat I never saw him stand or walk, he could only sit, & yet, because he had money, he had a young wife & child!

The club was different in that every person entering was frisked for metal & had to pay a $2 admission. The place was packed on Wednesday, lady’s night, when women got free drinks until 12am. {Haha how they use women to get men in!}

So here I am sitting by the entrance in a guy’s lap just chilling. I saw CabHell earlier with a female who looked like a worn out heroin addict. Thin, stringy hair, no makeup, vacant expression. He saw me & looked like a startled rat. He was wearing the beautiful expensive leather-lined with fur winter jacket I had bought him a couple years before. It was DIRTY. He could not afford to get it cleaned, I surmised. His salad days were over – I was gone – he was back in the gutter.

So as I’m sitting there she comes over, & says to me,

“YOU had to pay for him – I don’t!”

I had no idea what to say. I mean, if I said something in retaliation there could be trouble. I could have said something like,

“Glad to be rid of him, the mess is yours.”

But then she, not in her right state of mind, could have slapped me, then I am in this guy’s lap, he might have pushed her, then others could have jumped in, etc. So I said NOTHING – the best policy.

This pathetic creature, who I felt sorry for, was trying to make herself bigger, more important than me, like CabHell was some sort of prize. So if she wanted to believe she was special, she got this thing for free while I had to pay, let her keep her pathetic delusion & be happy. God knows she needs every comfort she can get.

Another time, I am in the ‘State St.’ area – the place of all the clubs at that time, where the college kids hang out & everyone who wants to meet them – my stomping grounds. And CabHell shows up, again a couple years after I got rid of him.

He’s hanging with this pasty, dumpy broad – she’s 5’1”, about 160 lbs, no waist, cheap clothes, glasses – sorry looking. After moments I surmise she is one of CabHell’s ex wives, one he’s had a child with. All these ‘ghetto’ guys father children they don’t care for – after all, it doesn’t take much to contribute that teaspoon of sperm.

This lady is with a female friend & keeps squawking how CabHell ‘danced with this other girl’ & she is indignant. She doesn’t even seem to notice me, {he’s talking to me on & off}; I am irrelevant, I guess because of my age. She’s not jealous of me, thank God for small mercies, & keeps complaining about CabHell, that this lovely guy is doing her wrong.

In the gutter there are many rats, the disadvantaged, the poor, the ignorant, the ones of malice, all kinds, & they get involved with other rats, love other rats – it’s where they live, eat & work – if they work – it’s where they function & it’s their world, the world of the gutter rats. And they are important to each other.

I tried to get rid of him once by leaving him in the clubs. But the next morning way early I hear a vehicle pull up ahead of my house – I’m still I bed, I peek out the window & there he jumps out of the back of a pickup truck with a woman driving. Oh no, He figured out how to hitch hike to my house & someone – seeing a guy on the road as well dressed as he figures he must be alright – the clothes I bought him were still fresh & looked expensive. But still, the woman didn’t allow him in the cab, her daughter he tells me was the passenger. Good idea, let what is possibly a wild animal stay in back of the truck, less chance he’ll bite.

The last time I REALLY did see him was a car pulls into my driveway. {I noticed in the country, if I ever knock on the door of a stranger *it happened a couple times for animals in the road – I wanted to tell one man his whole litter of cats was in the road, another man his chickens were lying resting on the worm asphalt right in the way of cars} the people DON’T ANSWER. They ALREADY KNOW – no good thing comes of strangers knocking on rural doors. In retrospect, I can think of only ONE TIME there was anything POSITIVE from a random person stopping at my house – & it was that unfortunate time after I vowed never to answer the door to a stranger again. I had left my car window open – a bad snowstorm had occurred in the night & the car was filled with snow – a kind stranger wanted to tell me. So the ONE TIME it was appositive knock – here I don’t answer.

Other than that, I shall explain elsewhere, it was all BAD STUFF.}

But anyway, CabHell comes barging by with two guys I’ve never met. One guy turned out to be FREESH OUT OF JAIL, 8 years there for holding a gun to people’s heads, shooting into windows, as a member of the Hell’s Angels, & being high on Meth Amphetamine to give himself courage. That was let’s say Joe X. The other guy, not sure what he did, but he said his father was Muslim & under investigation for TERRORISM. Let’s say his name is Joe Z.

I have seen clearly how birds of a feather stick together. You meet one lowlife creep, he will bring ten more to your door. A lowlife bitch/hore, the same thing. One girl like that brought her black boyfriend, {I did NOT invite them}, said they ran a store together. She was ‘fat Cathy,’ an ex neighbor who bothered me to no end – always wanted something. Later she explained to me their ‘store’ sold nothing but stolen goods – he stole them, she sold’m. And she had the temerity to tell me she brought him TO SEE HOW HE COULD HELP ME. No thanks, I don’t buy stolen goods. I’ll tell you many more stories of people at the door later.

 

This Joe X guy, BTW, was white, handsome & middle aged. He & I became phone friends for a while – he talked a blue streak. When not on drugs, apparently, he was a normal guy {but never trust such a person} & told me anecdotes of prison – things I could never have learned, like how the guards would put the 2 guys who hated each other the most into a cell & let them duke it out & put bets on who would win. Then also how sardines were used like money. Get people to send you sardines & you use them as barter. One black guy he knew was gambling & asked if he could have a couple cans – Joe X said OK. But later the guy came back & stole more. Joe X beat him up. But look out for the ‘lock in a sock.’ They give you locks for your belongings. You put a lock in a sock, swing it, & the guy broke his jaw.

Joe X was an enforcer or loan collector for the Hell’s angels – apparently they give loans as does the mob. When someone didn’t pay he’d hold a gun t their head – the FBI got videos of him doing it. He’d also go to buildings & shoot in windows. He told me he didn’t even know who was in there – just did as he was told.

Now Joe Z was really cute. We started to have a good conversation. Joe X thought we wanted to have sex, so he said to CabHell that they would go out & inspect my forest for Oak trees – as he was a one-time Oak harvester & might buy some. So they left for a while.

Joe Z at this time told me the story of his unfortunate life & the two whacks came back. Joe told me later he thought we wanted to be alone to have sex. I thought that was ridiculous. Most women don’t just jump into sex minutes after they meet a guy – unless it’s maybe fat Cathy & the guy is black, or other fat women I knew.

*I once saw this: There was a lower level club on State St, called the Spotlight. It had a 2 level stairwell. A lot of black guy hung in this huge club in one area mostly. One time I’m above & look down to see so many FAT white women on the stairwell – not one thin one among them. I realized they went there to meet black men. I counted them – there were FOURTEEN.*

After these 3 stooges left & I was talking to Joe X he asked me,

“Did you give CabHell any money?”

I said no.

He said,

“Because before we went to your house he had none, but after he was spending money.”

I thought about it & recalled I had my purse on the table when they arrived. I wasn’t expecting anyone so my purse was not hidden – after that I always hide it. So CabHell might have helped himself, although I didn’t notice any big loss in my bread. Sometimes thieves don’t take all your money, they take some of it so you won’t know they robbed you.

So Joe X told me CabHell was now living with an adult therapy worker & he was selling drugs. She had to pay for the doses he gave her, but he got the sex for free. I knew the area they lived, a ramshackle block near the ‘Red Oak’ diner.

OK let me get to the beginning. It was way at the start of my Cougar time, when I first went downtown, so it was 2008. I walked into this club that’s called ‘Celtic’ – a nice place – & see what I thought was a handsome black guy – tall – staring into the crowd. I walked up to him & chatted him up. So we talk & he puts me on the spot because I now know he’s a SCHEMER & he interrogated me on & on, was I looking for just a one night stand or a relationship? I wasn’t sure as I didn’t even know the guy, but he pulled it out of me that I wanted to be serious, not a one-night stand. Knowing what I know now, you can’t get much out of a person in one night, but in a relationship, you can get plenty. So he was fishing for what he could get.

God, just the thought of him makes me feel mentally stressed – some people come from Hell to torment the rest of humanity. Let me get to the things that bothered me the most.

The sex. We did sex a couple times. After a few weeks of ‘dating’ which meant me treating him to meals, me taking him to the clubs & paying for drinks, he moved in with me. He saw my beautiful house & ‘wild’ yard {apple trees, a creek, rolling lawns} & got dollar signs in his eyes – this must have been before the apt in town. I actually recall seeing like ‘lights’ dance in his eyes as he sized up my wealth.

But this sex incident ended it for me. I always used condoms, even for blow jobs – I was paranoid of catching

AIDS. I’d not done sex for 30 years & I wasn’t ready to die for a little ‘fun.’ So one time we’re humping along & the condom breaks! I went berserk & he confessed that it happened with him LOTS OF TIMES.         

Later I figured it out. This is how evil he was. While he’d be ADJUSTING his dick, aiming it right or fixing the condom, he did one of two things, either he slashed it with his nail – or else he rubbed it with his finger over & over until it broke. Why he did this? Because lowlifes don’t want to wear condoms, if you make them, they take revenge. And if the condom breaks they get extra pleasure.

I told him I’d never have sex with him again. He swore he was clean & begged me but I said if he ever wanted to have sex again, he’d have to go to the free clinic, get tested, & give me the papers. I took him to the clinic; he had no diseases – what a relief. Because if anyone got a disease, it would be a lowlife shagger like him {in England they call fucking shagging, it sounds better than fucking, so I’ll use it.}

Let me think of what other evil he did that really stands out. Probably using the picture of his daughter burned on like 70% of her body – to get drug money – stands out.

I forgot to mention, CabHell did jail time for two things. A huge majority of ghetto guys get time & it isn’t always white people’s fault. I know white people bring drugs into hoods & they partially do it to snare blacks into crime, so they can keep them in jail. At least this was in the past – drugs are so common now there are more white dealers than black. So this is a temptation but one does not have to give in. I know it’s hard for ghetto people to get jobs, but I gave 2 ghetto guys a job, they lasted one day. I picked them up from far away, paid them well, fed them a good lunch, gave them more food to take home, & drove them home. The next day I went to get them – a half hour drive – THEY REFUSED TO WORK, job over. They were LAZY & I’ll explain later, both these guys wanted to either sell drugs or worse yet, STEAL from females they were shagging!

So CabHell got caught for drug dealing & that wasn’t all. He was also shagging an underage girl – for a year – & her Mom turned him in. When I met him he was no teen, he was 32 so he was old enough to know better. But this mentality guy just seems to be asking for trouble – taking chances – they don’t love themselves enough, even though they are egomaniacs – egomaniacs have weak egos, not strong ones. Anyway, he did time for this girl, over a year.

The drug dealing also had no excuse – because he had a great job with the electric company. But he wanted more. Go figure. I met another guy like that. Had a job, but wanted more money. And it always lands them into jail.

Of course, we are given so many excuses for these guys until there are none left. Everyone like me wants to give them another chance, help them, they might change for the better. But THEY NEVER DO, they stay evil, they do evil, & if you get involved you are IN FOR IT.

Now back to his daughter. One of his women had two kids by him, a boy & girl. When the girl was maybe 10, he said the wife left a candle by the window in a room somewhere, the wind blew the curtain onto the candle & started a fire. CabHell & his wife & the other child got out safe, but the poor girl got burns all over her body & he had a picture of her to show people to feel sorry for her & HIM.

Whose fault was the fire? Both of them, because he knew there was a candle, he could have made sure it was out, or never burn candles like that in the first place. But they didn’t do right, they are responsible, they caused it.

          He was bragging to me how great he was treated by the govt who set them up in a nice motel with all the amenities. Truly, his mind was only on himself. But all this had not got digested for me yet – I had not yet turned against him, hearing to his self justification, delusions & lies.

          One day we’re sitting in this swank coffee shop – ‘The Spot’ & he begins to tell me what it was like in jail. And he starts a monologue how this guy taught him to con someone out of money by some internet scheme, he went on & on. I said,

“You know, I don’t want to hear this. You are interested in learning from this thief how to con people out of money? Can’t you see how evil that is?”

So he stopped talking about it. Then he tells me the story of his poor little girl & takes out her picture. He carried it around all the time to show people. Then he tells me he never had the money to buy her anything & he recently spoke to her & she said she never got any treats or soda she wanted, from her Mother. He would like to ‘borrow’ $40 from me to buy her some sweet things.

My inner voice told me not to give him the money, but I was & maybe still am ‘a soft touch’ & I feel sorry for people easily, & I give easily so I disobeyed my inner voice & gave him the money.

Then I was obligated to ‘take him to his daughter,’ which I did & after taking him to the store, where he supposedly got her sweets & soda she wanted, I stopped at the house he said she was visiting & waited. I waited an hour. Finally he comes out & I need some things at the grocery store, & I am exhausted, so I ask him to go in & get the items for me, & I gave him like $70 for it & he goes in & comes back. He puts my items in the trunk.

Then he tells me he called his daughter, that they deprived her of most of the goodies he got her – they drank & ate the treats up, & he wanted to stop there again & give her a bit more. And you are going to laugh – I fell for it. He needed another $20 – I give it to him, go back to that house & wait. And wait, & wait. An hour & a half goes by, it’s cold.

I begin to realize I’ve been taken for a fool. What am I doing here? Just go home, so I do. Mind you, this is far away, over a half hour drive from my house, but I go home.

Within a short time he wangles his way back into my house & he’s getting worse by the day.

If yu know thse type people you know they get worse over time. They feel you out, God forbid if you are nice, they aren’t afraid of you. He began to hound me about his ‘business’ scheme, that of finding damaged cars, fixing them & selling them for lots of money. All ne’er do wells have schemes, & they want other people’s money to implement them, they don’t know what work is. It’s in their blood to con, lie, cheat & steal – that is their stock in trade. That’s what they’re good at.

You don’t know this when you first get involved, sometimes it is revealed after a while & it gets worse.

So it got worse. When I would not give him the front money he wanted, he started making evil faces at me, I mean really ugly that were scary. He could do me physical harm.

When we went downtown he’d ask for his ‘drinking money’ up front so I would not have to buy his drinks one at a time, then he’d disappear for over an hour, I know he was scoring drugs now, but then he’d say he met this or that person & did this or that, these con artists are professional liars, they work at it, so for a while some of them can fool anyone. God help you if you get involved.

And morals? Like loyalty? Never heard of it, it’s a foreign idea to them. I buy him another jacket that very day – Over a couple months I gave him a new wardrobe worth about 3k. So we go t the club, he’s wearing this brand new suede light grey jacket I bought him that day – he leaves me & is dancing with another girl, gazing into her eyes. He NEVER DANCED WITH ME! No matter what, I could never get him to dance with me for over a minute, he’d just walk away, neither fast nor slow dancing, I have no idea why. Maybe I should channel as it’s mysterious.

ME: CabHell, why didn’t you ever dance with me?

CH: Because I didn’t want people to know you were my girl. I wanted to stay ‘single,’ live the single life while using you. You were just someone to use, like all my girl friends were, white or black.

ME: But when we were at your sisters & stopped at this club you also wouldn’t dance with me. It was only your family & strangers in that place

CH: I hated you, I didn’t want t give you the pleasure, like that would be showing love or liking someone. I hated you because you wouldn’t give me any more money, I knew it was over.

ME: Are you demonic? Are you paving your road to the real Hell for eternity? Have you turned your back on God?

CB: I don’t know what God is, it’s not in my mentality, so I guess I am Hell bent. I don’t care. I only care about this world, conning people, getting high, doing sex, pretending to be a big shot – all the evil things you spoke of & more. I don’t care about Heaven or Hell.

ME: OK, then you are Hell bent. For all I know you could be overdosed & in Hell by now. Wherever you are, you earned it, lol. {End of channeling}

 

How I got rid of him. It cost me, but I finally did get rid of him. He found his sister on the internet – he’d not seen her in years. I was praying to God to save me from him, & this was it. She was in Pennsylvania, abut a two hour drive by bus. So he made a date to go see her. I told him I’d give him the money – go by yourself, but he wouldn’t have it, I had to go with him.

So we go, I am sick of the sight of him & being near him, now that I know what he is, but go I must.

His sister was a lovely person, she had a drug-dealer boyfriend & 3 beautiful daughters by him, one 16, one 6 & the tiny one about 4. The sister is an angel, the daughters are delightful.

When we first got to the station I was going to leave him as soon as they came to pick him up, I would say I’m not going, but I chickened out, felt it might hurt the sister, so we go to her place.

One problem of getting rid of him was his clothes. I had bought him about 10 pairs of pants, 10 jackets & 10 shirts – even with cuff links, & so if I tell him to ‘get out’ I need to take his clothes some place also – but he never had anywhere to go so the clothes were a problem. We brought a few items with us but most were still at my house.

So I ask his sister to be an arbiter, I have problems with CabHell & want to tell her. She listens for a while. He refutes everything I said & keeps accusing me of ‘wanting other men.’ Of course I want other men, anyone but him.

But after listening to both of us she is tired & exasperated, there’s no resolution, she begs off & goes to sleep. She saw my side, she said had she met someone like me she would become a success. And she warns him that his brother died of drugs, she knows he’s still on them, & unless he quits, he’s in danger. He denies if but of course, he sneaks drugs – when I’d be in my room upstairs I could sometimes smell weird smells coming from downstairs like he was cooking for crack cocaine or heroin.

BTW – 9 out of 10 people who go into rehab relapse, so if you are involved with someone who WAS on drugs don’t expect them to be free – you’re in for the ride of your life. They torture to death everyone around them.

OK one day his sis is out of the house working. I want to get a cab, get the bus & leave town & he knows it. He tried to stop me, & blocks my way into the bedroom to get my shoes, so I leave the place with my socks on – it’s cold but fuck it, I have to get out.

He follows me, walking fast, I walk fast. I could have stopped a cop, they were right by me in a car, but didn’t want to get him into trouble, so I keep going. Finally his sis’s boyfriend comes home. He meets us at this restaurant right across the street & tries to talk reason to Cab. But Cab has no reason, he’s insane, & he keeps raising his voice. People are staring. – His objective with me? It isn’t love, he has none, he doesn’t know what it is, it’s the free ride, the clothes, the money he might get. I am the cash cow, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, & now he’s losing me, the best deal he’ll ever have & he knows it. After me, it’s back to the gutter – after his sis gets to know him of course & throws him out as well.

 

After much to-do with the sis, the boyfriend of hers, she decides they’ll keep him {not for long} & they’ll give me a ride back to my house & get his clothes, & I’ll be rid of him forever! Whoopee do!

We start out in the bf’s van. I get insulted by her best friend. This wise acre black lady – who says she’s a Christian but carries on with a married German & ‘God understands’ asks me which is my favorite scripture. I tell her,

‘I am the resurrection & the life, he who lives in me, though he die, shall live.”

Then she says to me,

“When you give CabHell a blow job, do you take out your false teeth?”

Everyone laughs but CabHell does pipe in, I must give him credit,

“All her teeth are real.”

Before we get to my house we stop at a Subway shop & I buy everyone a meal. Then at my house they pack in all the clothes I bought him & I give them several of my most beautiful blankets – including one that I loved so much it hurt. But I sacrificed it to thank God for getting rid of dirt.

CabHell asks to speak to me alone, get on his knees, & begs to stay but I say no.

So those are the highlights of my first ‘boyfriend’ as a Cougar. God help you if you meet someone like him. You must plan your getaway as soon as you realize someone is not right, even if you suspect. No appeasement, take this for example, re the onset of World War II:

 

“The most famous example of appeasement is Chamberlain signing the Munich agreement which resulted in Germany taking the Sudetenland from Czechoslovakia. Chamberlain hoped this would be the end of Hitler’s demands, although other politicians such as Churchill warned otherwise.”

“How did appeasement affect Hitler?

Appeasement encouraged Hitler to be more aggressive, with each victory giving him confidence and power. With more land, Germany became better defended, with more soldiers, workers, raw materials, weapons and industries. This then shows the first way that appeasement caused World War II.”

 

          Remember, when you do something for someone they expect it again – & again. Sometimes they want more, & more. This goes for animals as well as people, some get spoiled, some, like this guy, downright dangerous.

 

When you suspect something is not right – with all your might, try to get rid of the person as soon as possible.

And oh yes, within a couple months the sister got rid of him & didn’t tell him where she moved to.

I wish I could say this was the last time I dealt with a lowlife, but unfortunately, there were a few more. They wear masks when you meet them; it takes time for the masks to come off. {End Chapter 8}

Reaction to this from Pete Jackson: That guy CabHell, aptly named, sounds like a real lowlife indeed, absolute trash, hopelessly stuck in the very gutter of consciousness.  As he will most likely remain in his next life as well.  Most likely in Hell proper, but if he is lucky, maybe he could be reincarnated as pond scum, lol. We all go back to where we belong, and people like him apparently belong in a much darker place.

  What you say about appeasement is very true.  I have also learned that the hard way as well with several people I thought I knew that seemed to be genuine and good until their masks belatedly fell off.  The more you give (or worse, lend) to a lowlife or narcissist of any sort, the more they demand.  Every single time.  They are never ever satisfied for long, and always want more more more, even after promising that it will be the last time and never again (right!).  And whenever you tell them no more after they inevitably ask again, or heaven forbid, ask them to give back what they borrowed, they turn it around accuse you of being the selfish one and tell another sob story and say things like “life is not a controlled experiment” as their lame excuse for breaking their word again and again.  Such utter chutzpah and entitlement mentality.  But sooner or later, karma will inevitably get them good.      Best wishes and have a good night,   Pete