By Rasa Von Werder, August 9th, 2020



Sits on my porch



          Have never had a dream like this! I’m at my porch at the house when here comes up from the lane a big gorilla. He walks like a man & has a small waist, other than that, he looks just like the ‘silverbacks’ – huge head, shoulders, arms & legs – I don’t see his back but they call mature males ‘silverbacks’ because the hair on their backs turns silver.


          *(GORILLA: Is the lover Jim. This is his ‘lower self’ or instinctive, primitive part. This is his acting on BASIC INSTINCTS, & having FEAR like a wild animal. This might be saying that his behavior has been that of an animal trying to survive, you have to be careful with him because when his fear is aroused he reacts violently. You are trying to acclimate him slowly, get him used to being near you, not to provoke his fear.)*

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          The gorilla strides in purposefully – He reminds me of Shabani, a famous one in Japan who is loved by the ladies because he looks & acts so human.


          He walks right up to my porch & parks himself on a railing, which is solid, painted white, it has this decoration that is just like what I have around my doors inside my house, which I had my carpenter fix – they look like Grecian columns on the top, under the cornice. The top of this ‘railing’ or fence is quite wide, plenty of room for a seat – might be two feet wide.


          *(PLACE WHERE HE SITS: There are several signs here which say ‘marriage,’ & ‘permanence.’

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          The fact that he arrives – comes to me & ‘purposefully’ says he wants to be with me. The porch, especially the fence where he sits, is white, which says marriage.


          The decoration under the top {where he sits} is like that underneath a Grecian column – this would put him as a fixture on top of a column. A column is a SUPPORTING PILLAR so this could be saying he’s a strong fixture here – with me. It seems like it’s only a porch, but there is a reference to this design being INSIDE my house by two of my doors. And so this hearkens to ‘I want to be inside with you, in your house, in a relationship.’)*


          What I have to master here is my FEAR. I’ll call him Shabani. I have to be totally RELAXED & not AFRAID. My immediate human reaction is fear, just as I once felt with the bears, but when I habituated the bears, they got over their fear of me & I got over mine.


          *(FEAR: What is my fear? It’s of HIM HURTING ME. This says tread slowly, carefully not to FRIGHTEN HIM as he reacts from a primitive instinct of violence. {This is not acted out literally – he does not, in real life, hit anyone or do anything physically violent, but he acts out to me in a REVENGEFUL manner when I did things to make him jealous.} This explains the motive of his brutal actions toward me, the cold heartedness—apparently it is fear based.)*

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          I put great effort into totally relaxing & not being afraid, as that is the KEY to what? To having him here & him NOT HURTING ME while I host his presence. I did try to touch him a couple times – I have to be careful how I do that, one step at a time, slowly, because he might react in a bad way if he’s frightened. When I touched him I felt his nails/claws, don’t want those claws mauling me.


          So as we sit here my associates, as they come up, will misunderstand the situation & be eager to kill him because they think he’s dangerous. I particularly see my sister coming up & she’s holding like a basket & in it is a young female, like her child, but a fully-formed human but she’s small enough to be carried like an infant, & I also think she has a gun, which she might instantly point at Shabani & kill him – as she thinks I’m in danger.


          I gently but quickly caution her not to shoot him, I am alright with him, he won’t hurt me, I’m acclimating him to be near me. And we are near, close enough, arm’s length – to touch each other. He doesn’t do anything, just sits there like he belongs here.

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          *(SISTER: My pragmatic self. She looks at Lover Jim & his behavior & wants to INSTANTLY END THE RELATIONSHIP – so do my other associates or personalities. They do not want him to hurt or kill me – as a gorilla could do. His appearance as a gorilla also explains his POWER OVER ME IN THE PAST – he had the ability to kill me because I loved him so much & he was cruel, cold & uncaring when he wanted to be. This is a recipe for great harm—people die of broken hearts. And so, all the logical, pragmatic parts of me are thinking of removing him from my life.


          But my God Self, the dreamer, has another solution. She has discerned what his behavior is based on – instinctive fear like a wild animal. What does he fear? The same thing I fear – being hurt. He fears my leaving him, not loving him, not caring. When I did stunts to make him jealous this exacerbated his fear & he LASHED OUT from the primitive self, he did not reason it out & do things he should have done, he was like the guy who injures his female when he suspects her of wrong doing. Of course he did this psychologically, not physically.


          This dream solves a problem, explains his cruelty. No matter what his behavior, I must not be afraid of him hurting me. I can handle this truth now, as I am no longer in ‘crazy love’ or ‘obsessive’ about him, I am relaxed & becoming more so. Two people cannot both be uptight, anxious & afraid in the relationship – one must be in control, & that one must be me. He is the wild animal, I am the God.

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The dream does portray that he loves me, wants to be with me permanently. Being a ‘silverback’ also bodes the ‘forever’ silver wedding anniversary.)*

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