College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

YOUNG HUSBAND TRAGEDY

Chapter 3    MY SPIRITUAL HUSBAND NICK

– DEATH FANTASIES

written late Nov 2022

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         Pics above:  His crew at a place he was a dishwasher – not saying they were bad guys – I didn’t know them – And the x’d pic, how he saw himself

This is the young husband who loved me & I him. We were mystically married – which I shall explain. He lived two lives. To the world he presented a façade or charade – Living with a woman who was one of many, but portrayed as the ‘one & only’ wife together with a bevy of ‘friends’ – all focused on drugs.

 

Posted on Face Book under dates stated – 2022

 

His SoundCloud music under “Nick Lambo13”

 

Words gleaned from his song, not exact, verses repeated, hard to understand all the words {His words will be in bright blue}:

 

“Death callin’ my name, they wantin’ my body

doin’ drugs, feelin’ numb

Mentally fucked up

Mind is broken

Devil right beside me

Early grave

My life – you can take it

Havin’ death fantasies

My life – you can take it

Devil keeps talkin’ beside me

My heart’s frozen

No one to lean on”

 

ME: This is NOT A HAPPY MAN. Look, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the DESPAIR in these words. Why despair? I was gone, he didn’t know what to do, or if he did, he was too weak. And that became obvious when he finally called me June 2, 2022. His crazy ‘friends’ keep all talking now, hundreds of them, about him on his FB. They think they were so important to him. It was surface relationships – I’ve been there. I had thousands of ‘face book’ friends. When I left FB only 3 of them are still my friends. Yes, he saw them in person but it was for things that kids do – playing – & partying with drugs & alcohol & dope. It was a substance-induced charade. They all miss the theater of drugs with Nick – he was their

star. Star gone, no more fun. That’s what they miss. They were not on God’s side, trying to save him, just wanting to have fun with him.

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

July 25

 Check it out!!!!!

Death Fantasies out now!!!!!!

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

July 21

Cause if I don’t say it all here I won’t say nothing

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

July 11

I love that I literally made this for me myself it’s like making a painting that you have no plans on letting go that’s what this basically is just something for myself to go back on and I love it and that’s all that matters about this one!!!!!

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

 July 8  He says:

“If the devil can’t get close to you he’ll take what mattered most to you so he can watch you fight your demons everyday”

 

ME: He’s talking about the devil taking me from him – You ask what mattered to him the most? The True Love of a Mother that I gave him – I was the only one he looked to that way. His ‘friends’ wanted to believe how important they were. Yes, he drugged & partied with them, it was substance-induced joy or happiness, not real. The only REAL LOVE he had was from me. Unconditional love, not using him as a drug partner or entertainment object. Just wanted to save him but I was blocked.

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Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

June 25

Pick a side you gotta follow when that casket ride
-XoX
#DeathFantasies

 

June 5 & June 9 – May 28 – May 27 – May 24 he announces his SoundCloud rap song:

 

XoXNicky – Overcame it all

 

This rap is about how he OVERCAME NOT HAVING ME ANY MORE {I was absent from the scene & he wasn’t man enough to contact me until it was TOO LATE. But he suffered like a dog, his songs say so, my dreams vividly portray it. Instead of doing the right thing – calling me & speaking to me sanely, he mollified himself with MORE DRUGS – which finally killed him. The reason I know this is about me is because after I messaged him on FB through a friend, he said something like, ‘Now she contacts me, after I overcame it all, she should have made her moves sooner, now its too late’ – words approximate. He said this in a post as well as in his songs.}

 

Nicholas Anthony VanDunk

Dec 18, 2021   He says:

“A psychic said I’d die at 28 in three hours we will cheers to 29 ”

 

ME: The psychic was not far off, it was 6 months later, Aug 14, 2022, he died.

I told him dozens of times he was on the road to an early death due to drugs. Every person who channeled for me agreed with me – half a dozen people. This would have been averted had he quit drugs. But he was too comfortable with his enabler & all their ‘friends.’

The demons had possessed him. I knew about July 2022, had the strong feeling ‘It’s over. This time was mystically relevant because we met in July & every July – my birthday, by chance or fate, we’d always have a tryst. This ended after 2019. Why? Because it was time for him to stand up to the plate & hit the ball – but he was too slow. Our relationship is over, it’s done. Nothing can be fixed any more.’ It wasn’t just our relationship, his LIFE depended on it – if he did not come to me he was doomed by drugs, & he wasn’t moving toward me although we reconciled, & then it happened.

 

OK I am worn out from going through hundreds of his FB pages. Now it flipped back to the front & it’ll take 10 minutes to scroll back down, so I’m not going to do it, I have work to do.

Suffice to say that in the last times after he wasn’t seeing me any more, he spoke about the devil & Satan & death a lot. He said, if you’re not happy it’s because you don’t have a soul.’ He said ‘When you sold your soul to the devil he’s going to come for you.’ ‘It’s payback time’ – all these are from many doom & gloom statements.

He knew he was on the broad highway to hell & that highway was ‘Demon drugs.’ I was the one & only person who stood on that highway with the sign ‘STOP’ but he went around me. However, I did save his Soul possibly from Hell or a terrible Purgatory. It showed it in the dreams. His Purgatory was only 10 days because of me & he’s united to God through my Soul for all eternity. He’s happy now but the earth equation didn’t work. I am also reasonably happy as I got over the earthly angst, released him from my flesh, surrendered it to God, & was made free. And so, there wasn’t any notable grief for me at his ‘parting’ because I had already disentangled my ‘flesh’ in favor of ‘spirit – we never parted spiritually.

 

Here are the words to ‘Cocaine & Broken Bottles’ which is directly about him waiting for me outside my apt, longing for me, & being sorry we weren’t together – fearing he’d never have me again. This was posted April 7, 2019 when we hadn’t seen each other about 5 months. He would wait outside my apt by my 2nd floor window to see if I was there – but I rarely was, so according to this, he was standing in the rain & experienced in this song all the miseries of us being apart.:

Below, he performs, the only time he did so after age 17, rapping our song, his repentence, at a small gathering – because of this song we were mystically married – I accepted his proposal to TAKE HIS HEART

 

NOV 16 19 COC N BROKE BOT APR 20 NOV 30 19 SONG 4 ME 

“Wash away my pain

I’m standing in the rain

Waiting for you

Don’t know why

‘Cause some things never change

I have made mistakes

Here’s my heart to take

Not much left ‘cause all it’s ever done is break

Hate to watch you go

 

You left me on my own

Alone & broken homes

I swear it’s all I know

It’s hard to be me

Especially on TV

 

Will never see the same

You of all these chains

I’m feeling like a slave

Day by day by day

Soon as night fall hits

It’s alcohol & cocaine

It’s the life I chose

It can’t be how it goes

Cameras all in my face

Make it go away

 

Wash away my pain

I’m standing in the rain

I’m used to bein’ free

But free I’ll never be

I understand that now

Alone amongst the crowd

Take a look in my face

Tell me what do you see

Little miserable me

Is all I’ll ever be

Shackles all on my feet

Using the same seat

Wish I could be you

 

And you could be me

‘Cause DEATH IS CALLIN’ MY NAME

No longer winnin’ these games

Wish I was the same

You took all that I gave

Wash away my pain

I’m standin’ in the rain

 

          He also posted this on Face book on May 7, 2019 {I left the grammar as he wrote it}:

 

“It’s very rare a person sells their soul for riches if you can’t find happiness it because your soulless you sold your soul for something so cheap like a party lifestyle or community popularity and you got it now the devils here to collect and you don’t even realize it”

 

We were spiritually married {a sacrament} on Sunday, April 21, 2019 because of his repentance & my continued love for him, forgiveness &

acceptance. It’s like he said ‘I’m sorry” & I said, “I accept you – you said take your heart, OK, I receive it. You said you wish I was you & you were me, OK, here we are as ONE” – as shown in this song {Cocaine & broken Bottles} as well as other posts, such as the one I copy here. There were several posts speaking of the demons haunting him & selling one’s soul to the devil. He ‘sold his soul’ for the party lifestyle, which means drugs & all that it entails – including all the people of the drug mentality. He rejected the opposite – the Godly lifestyle, going into rehab & being with me. He wanted me as his secret lover, to get all that Godly love – in secret. But I knew, once & for all, I could no longer stand being second fiddle, his ‘partner’ being feted in public, going to events together, having dozens of images together. I went nowhere with him, he would not be seen in public with me, he did not permit any images of us together, & he never gave me his phone number, nor told me where he lived. {I did find out some of these items anyway, by my own spying.}

To say this was a somewhat ‘dysfunctional’ relationship would be an understatement. He thought he got what he wanted; an infantile solution to his dilemma, but it brought me great misery. I could not stand it any more at one point. But for the time being, we got spiritually married – which is forever. {What God has joined together, let no man put asunder!}

 

Now let us understand the sacrament of marriage

According to the writings of the early Church Fathers sacrament signifies a sacred thing which lies concealed. The Greeks often expressed the same idea in their use of the word mysterion (Latin: sacramentum) or literally “mystery.” This meaning we have come to learn from St. Paul’s Epistle to the Ephesians (1:9) where it is said: “That he might make known to us the mystery (sacramentum) of his will”; and to Timothy: “…great is the mystery (sacramentum) of godliness” (1 Tim. 3:16); and in the Book of Wisdom: “They knew not the secrets (sacramenta) of God” (Wis. 2:22-24). In these and many passages throughout scripture the word sacrament is perceived and signifies nothing more than a holy thing that lies concealed or hidden.

The Church Fathers, therefore, deemed the word sacrament an appropriate term to express the sensible signs that communicate grace in a tangible way. According to Pope St. Gregory the Great such a sign ought to be called a sacrament, because the divine power secretly carries out our salvation under the veil of sensible things.

There are 7 sacraments instituted by Jesus Christ, they are:

  • Baptism

  • Confirmation

  • Eucharist

  • Penance (reconciliation or confession)

  • Anointing of the Sick

  • Holy Orders

  • Matrimony

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Please understand as I said, he was leading two lives. At some point, after our mystical marriage, I decided to put

my foot down & demand that he make me #1, or at least, I would wait for him to chase me instead of me chasing him. It’s always better to be chased than to chase, you have the advantage.

But this was a new game that he wasn’t ready for – at least with me. He was spoiled. He thought it had been that way & it would continue. But I had gotten stronger, I got over the addiction to him. It was not easy, as hard as rocks, but I did it with the help of God’s grace.

But he did not have the strength to do as he must. He waited & waited for me to contact him, waited & waited. One year, two, then it went into three years. We were both used to absences of months, but this was extreme. And he was going through emotional Hell, I saw it in my dreams. I feared he would take his own life.

At that point, I contacted him through a friend. I was not on Face book, but I had a message sent. Because of that message – he didn’t see it right away, he called me on June 2, 2022 – as God predicted he would, months before.

OK, so we talked over one hour. I would not let him back into my life as it was before, I made demands. He’d have to consider.

But after a month I sensed he could not come up to the plate, it was over – Finished, caput.

And how right I was. He apparently lost the will to live. I sensed it. And on August 14, 2022, he died of some kind of over dose. I don’t know the details. I do know his female partner was with him. It’s all I know. His two lives were over, the façade & the secret one. But his spiritual life had begun. He immediately got closer to myself & God

& we’ve been communicating ever since. Yes, it’s a tragedy of sorts, but one that has a happy spiritual ending, like Jesus & his Cross. Yes, He died, but He lives. So with Nick.

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Agatha Christie Channeled

 

Chapter 2 Channeling Agatha Christie

written 11-28-22

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          ‘Been watching all the main crime movies on You tube, starting with Sherlock Holmes with Basil Rathbone & Nigel Bruce {my fave}, then Jeremy Brett – saw all there is. Then moved to Poirot, saw every one of the 71 episodes including the traumatic {for me} last one & a few items on Miss Marple {don’t like it} & Insp. Dalgliesh.

          I have a chapter in my head about the psychology of these works, saving it for later. Right now it interests me to channel Mrs. Christie, after reading this account of her on Wikipedia:

Dame Agatha Mary Clarissa Christie, Lady MallowanDBE (née Miller; 15 September 1890 – 12 January 1976) was an English writer known for her 66 detective novels and 14 short story collections, particularly those revolving around fictional detectives Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple. She also wrote the world’s longest-running play, the murder mystery The Mousetrap, which has been performed in the West End since 1952. A writer during the “Golden Age of Detective Fiction“, Christie has been called the “Queen of Crime”. She also wrote six novels under the pseudonym Mary Westmacott. In 1971, she was made a Dame (DBE) by Queen Elizabeth II for her contributions to literature. Guinness World Records lists Christie as the best-selling fiction writer of all time, her novels having sold more than two billion copies.

 

Christie was born into a wealthy upper middle class family in Torquay, Devon, and was largely home-schooled. She was initially an unsuccessful writer with six consecutive rejections, but this changed in 1920 when The Mysterious Affair at Styles, featuring detective Hercule Poirot, was published. Her first husband was Archibald Christie; they married in 1914 and had one child before divorcing in 1928. Following the breakdown of her marriage in 1926 she made international headlines by going missing for eleven days. During both World Wars, she served in hospital dispensaries, acquiring a thorough knowledge of the poisons that featured in many of her novels, short stories, and plays. Following her marriage to archaeologist Max Mallowan in 1930, she spent several months each year on digs in the Middle East and used her first-hand knowledge of this profession in her fiction.

 

According to UNESCO‘s Index Translationum, she remains the most-translated individual author.[1] Her novel And Then There Were None is one of the top-selling books of all time, with approximately 100 million copies sold. Christie’s stage play The Mousetrap holds the world record for the longest initial run. It opened at the Ambassadors Theatre in the West End on 25 November 1952, and by September 2018 there had been more than 27,500 performances. The play was temporarily closed in March 2020 because of COVID-19 lockdowns in London before it reopened in May 2021.

In 1955, Christie was the first recipient of the Mystery Writers of America‘s Grand Master Award. Later that year, Witness for the Prosecution received an Edgar Award for best play. In 2013, she was voted the best crime writer and The Murder of Roger Ackroyd the best crime novel ever by 600 professional novelists of the Crime Writers’ Association. In September 2015, And Then There Were None was named the “World’s Favourite Christie” in a vote sponsored by the author’s estate.[2] Many of Christie’s books and short stories have been adapted for television, radio, video games, and graphic novels. More than 30 feature films are based on her work. {end Wikipedia portion}

          This is but a small fraction of what is written there about her – the rest I find interesting so please avail yourselves of it.

          My speaking to the mind of Agatha Christie, channeling her. It does not mean she is actually ‘talking’ to me – it means, as I have explained before, that I’m READING her mind. So here goes.

 

          ME: I surmise, Ms Christie, that you were born with the talents which you portray in your writings, which are, to figure out amazing plots using the psychology of characters in a setting, & the ability to sit down & year after year, keep writing it all down. You were gifted, it was inborn to be sure as no one could develop such savant abilities by human effort, no more than Mozart could have taught himself to be who he was. Am I correct so far?

 

          AC: {Agatha Christie} Of course you are.   

 

ME: OK then. I would like to ask you to start off, how {if I may} do my abilities compare to yours? What is

 

inborn in my nature that gave me the abilities to live what I lived & write what I wrote? In what way am I an equivalent to you? Not saying I’m your equal, as I am spiritual but do not claim equality with Jesus Christ, just asking what are the similarities or equivalencies.

 

          AG: This is an interesting question of psychology.

          I was born with the abilities as you described. You are a different sort of person like so:

          You are a saint {Rasa blushes} & a woman of God whose life revolves around God & how to understand the ways of God, to follow Her, – you taught yourself & now teach others how to find Union with this Divine Person.

          People will forever fail to understand you because they simply aren’t on that level. They see things in worldly ways & spirituality is absent to their minds, so they see you in worldly terms. But you are not worldly, you are spiritual.

          In every facet of your life, included in all the activities you undertook, you sought the meaning of these ventures in the precincts of God. What was sin, what was not, in following your instincts? What regular interpretations on sin did you accept, what did you reject? That took some head work.

Now let’s center on your life story.

Here are the highlights or events that stand out, the things you’ll be remembered for:

 

1        Your juxtaposition of religion/spirituality & sex

2        Your openness regarding your sex life with accounts & pictures of men

3        The abuse you endured & rose above

4        Your physical beauty

5        The ability to write it all down

6        Your activities – the variety of them – being unusual

7        All the men you encountered & talk about

 

The word that would best describe how people see you historically would be that you’re an anachronism.

You appear in this world with a mind set, beliefs & behavior that smacks of another time – whether past or future, but it does not coincide with the world you were born into.

 

ME: That’s a new one on me, no person I channeled ever said that & I do find it challenging to understand & get used to, but it does open a new way of thought.

I shall again ask you what do you see in my future?

AC: I see huge amounts of financial gain, so much money you won’t know what to do with it.

ME: Everyone says that, like it’s usually the first thing that comes out of the minds of those I channel. But no one is telling me exactly or specifically what does it come from. I imagine, & they usually concur, from the books, movies & TV that will emerge out of the Life.

AC: Of course. What else could it be? Yes, you will have money from the gas & or oil under your land, but this other project will be more. 

Below, Agatha Christie as a young lady – After, historical photos 

Agatha_Christie_as_a_young_woman Antoine Claudet stilleven 1855 Atget Resized Kitchenware Abbott 1910 Writing child Japan RESIZED Chercheuses des Cigarettes Egypt RESIZED Sulina Romania resized Canton3 resized gumprint 1901 Otto Scharf Clementine Maude 1864 Hawarden voor blog

Part 9   Contents

        Part 9 is a potpourri of events exciting, challenging, bizarre & macabre, peppered with nude & erotic images of Rasa’s male models & young husband, not to be outdone by Rasa’s nude & glamour pics. Starts with cooking dinner for Dr. Robert Atkins, young husband dies of an overdose & voices regrets, the hard but righteous path that I chose,, world’s greatest lover Miklos Hargitay, Wisdom of the Cross, Charles Keating visits me, Robert Culp & Bill Cosby, Cougering & the wicked ways of young men, the Fuck & Rob Bandits, My neighbors who killed their parents, Strange eggs in my nest – the Rotten Reverend & magician who refuses to vanish, Channel Queen Victoria on mindset of the rich, Ron Van Clief & Jim Brown, Mr. Universe/Mr America lovers & friends – Vern Weaver, Harold Poole, Franco Columbu, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dennis Tinerino, Boyer Coe, Chris Dickerson & Reg Lewis, Prophecies of the future of this Life Story, Pics of me with celebrities – Congresswoman Bella Abzug, Tom Selleck, New York Mayor Abraham Beame, New York Governor Mario Cuomo

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ME: Oh yes, in the first item of what I will be remembered for you mention religion/spirituality, but few people pay attention to this. I wrote most of my books on this subject during my early book creations, on the Beatific Vision, Souls in Purgatory, the Divine Stigmata, Yoga & Christianity & have written many articles on my spiritual experiences. How will this figure in the public’s perception of me in the future, especially, when I’m gone?

 

AG: It will be a bone of contention. It will be the never-ending dichotomy referred to, some saying you could not be that saintly creature here expressed, others saying you can. It’s like when you Stripped for God, the controversy never ended & will not end. Indeed, your teaching or position on this matter is wholly different than that of society & of course you are right, Patriarchy is wrong. Sex is not sinful, evil or dirty. It can be Sacred when Love is in it – that is what you profess. But it has been so mutilated by this society that few people think of sex in an innocent or even Holy manner, they haven’t risen to that level yet – that sort of idea is long in the future, hundreds of years.

Until society catches up to that idea, this part of your life will not be understood, but argued about. And this controversy will serve to make your story more interesting, as it isn’t like everyone else, it’s weird to some, your life makes new statements that haven’t been made before. A woman in the adult trade also being a bona fide minister of God, a saint, a martyr, an example of virtue – all this is without example prior to you. Usually saints were against

 hedonism, having fun, doing sex – certainly no saint we know of was a Cougar, lol. Saints gave up all these things for the love of God. You did give up some of this for many years – but during that time you produced x rated videos for making money. You did not have sex but the videos catered to the sex desires of men – their fetishes. And then after 31 years you were told by your inner God to go out, drink & have fun, quit your celibacy. This will cause great controversy when it is brought into the open. You’ve seen how people react when you talk to them in bars – Outrage. “God will never tell you to have sex!”

          And here is an important element where you & I are totally different in our lives & in our writings. In my writing, the focus of my life – I am there to ENTERTAIN. Even though you were a professional entertainer, your life is not about that. And your writings are not created to entertain but to TEACH.

          In explaining your life you are trying to explain what you learned, what is the path of righteousness, what is the path to Hell.

          I did not by any means try to teach people to find God, although my hero Poirot & other I created, indeed, were on the side of justice & Truth. You saw how in the last case of Poirot he became a murderer. This upset you terribly. You had a glowing saintly image of him, & for him to kill someone went against your nature, & you were hurt. But I told you then it was entertainment – that I wanted to give him a dramatic sendoff, & this was a good way for him to go – murdering a man who would in future cause others murdered. It was righteous, but then again, Jesus would not have done it personally.

{But it is recorded that all sorts of terrible things happened to his persecutors after the Cross, the Temple curtain was torn from the top to bottom, the dead walked the streets, the high Priest went crazy & Herod got a terrible illness of parasites crawling out of his anus.}

But I convinced you my writing was more for entertainment than teaching religion & spirituality the way you do.

 

          ME: Yes, that last episode soured me on all the 70 stories I had seen before. I saw Poirot with rose colored glasses before, now the glasses came off. I was disappointed. I took it too seriously you told me, it was entertainment. I could imagine a different response to this case. Like for instance, Poirot would teach that God’s karma would get this man, & we see in some way God causes a righteous accident to happen to him rather than Poirot actually putting a bullet through his forehead. It seemed inconceivable for Poirot to do this.

          AC: But there is the difference between us. None of my characters ever taught karma. You teach karma in some cases, like with your brother who was cruel to you, you show how bad luck dogged him in his life & in the end he died a failure, but strangely, in his school days he was voted ‘Most Likely to Succeed.’

 

          ME: Alright, you have taught me a lot about both of us, Ms Christie, & I am grateful. Is there anything else you can tell me about my future while we’re at it?

          AC: You will have all your dreams come true. All the things you wished for will happen before you die, you’ll be very happy.

                   ME: What dreams are you referring to? Right now my mind is on the Sisterhood & all that goes with it, like an Order, a Convent of sorts, a Society for women to give them Spiritual Inspiration, emotional & physical security, an education. Like the University of Mother God College campus where only women are allowed with safe space on the campus as well as the Temple to Mother God. This is a dream but I don’t know if I’ll have the ability to pull it off before I die, even the beginnings. Is there any hope for that? Or any other dreams you see fulfilled?

           AC: It’s too difficult to conceive it all right now. Maybe with the great amount of money you’ll have you could purchase a property that in future will be the beginning of the College with Temple. Women would be greatly attracted to a super-fancy mansion of this type, something to feast their imagination on, living there. And so when you die, it goes to the Sisterhood. A vestigial beginning but with a lot of ideas you present to their heads when they look at your life.

         This will gel into your mind later, let is go for now, it will appear to your mind as time goes by.

          ME: Thank you Agatha Christie, I will channel you again in the future.

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Why Sex & Have Fun?

 

 

Chapter 1 Channel Ramana Maharshi

on why the push to ‘have fun’ – which wasn’t   written 11-25-22

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          I have been puzzled for years, wondering why God ‘forced’ me to quit celibacy & go out & have ‘fun’ – which wasn’t, in the end, but turned out to be as one might suspect, ‘The Other Place.’ 

Just published yesterday!

 

m8572p-front-shortedge-384

 

          Many folks & saints have spoken to me with different answers, the best one by William Bond, who said maybe I was sent not for myself but for others.

          Recently I channeled Ramana Maharshi, one of my Gurus, the last one in fact, who brought me to nonduality in early 2007. That was a big change in my life. And strangely enough, when I did this stint at the bequest of God, I lost the consciousness of nonduality, as Ramana told me later in the game, I’d have to ‘give up’ Nick {spiritual husband} if I wanted to regain the state. When he said it I was still ‘obsessed’ with Nick {2019} & thought it impossible to do so, but eventually I managed, & what a relief.

Ramana gave me the answers which finally quieted my heart, & I shall reproduce the conversation now, asking him anew; he laid to rest my qualms as to why God would do such a thing to me when it was so painful. Here goes:

          ME: Ramana, I am asking again – Here I was in a state of relative peace, my sex drive quieted down, my mind clear as a bell & I have entered the sublime state of nonduality. And now God speaks to me, saying,

          “I want you to quit the celibacy, go out & have fun…….if you do not do this, you will be outside the will of God.”

          Now all is said & done, I did my bit, I cougered, drank, had fun & raised Cain. I was naughty – not nice, did all sorts of crazy, embarrassing & silly things – even put myself in danger from these young men. And I suffered like a dog on a chain when I fell in love & I went to Hell & back. This was fun? And God knew all this would happen, that it would be my

fate to suffer such behavior & I’d make a fool of myself. God knew everything I would experience & then why did God make me do it?

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After all, I was, like I said, in a state of relative peace. It wasn’t Nirvana but in the vicinity & God takes me from peace to chaos & anxiety. And this fails my spiritual logic, as all the masters teach to stay in a place of celibacy & contemplation is the highest arena, to be a missionary is second to that – but this was neither one or the other, it was lowering myself to the shallows & wastes of human sense.

I have thought & thought & questioned & channeled, without getting a satisfactory answer. There have been many good ideas, but nothing absolute & I sense you will show me the facts.

          RAM: Yes I will. The best way to explain this to you is two examples, one of Jesus, then of yourself.

          First, is it not taught that Jesus, the Son of God, came to earth, lowered himself, to reach humanity to save them from their sins? And he suffered & eventually died or passed out on the Cross, & people believed in him, & a whole new huge religion was formed, & untold billions have believed & been saved by Faith & trust in Jesus.

          Now he could have stayed in Heaven & continued to enjoy its benefits, but He chose to return to earth to help us.

          You also claim to be an Avatar, & you said that you were in heaven, & elected coming back to earth for Female Empowerment. You could have stayed where you were & enjoyed the Bliss, but you returned to earth & suffered & you have helped women & will do more.

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          And what about the saints who all do good works, missionaries, self-sacrificers? Many of them choose to go into the world, the streets, wherever people are – to save those in need be it physical or spiritual succor. The saints always suffer because people of the earth are not evolved, & those who are un-saintly hurt others, so the bad hurt the good, even when you try to help them.

          So there are your examples of why the saints or Avatars or good souls lower themselves from heaven, or a contemplative peaceful state on earth, to walk the streets, to seek under bridges, alleys & ghettoes, the poor & obscure who are crying out for salvation, & understand this was a call to you to not really ‘have fun’ but to go out there & do something for humanity in the GUISE or FAÇADE of ‘having fun.’

          ME: But God did not explain this to me. Why not? Why was God cagey, as She has been in the past – for instance, when She tricked me into marrying Richard Von Werder when I had resisted him for many years. And

here God explained nothing, just said to quit celibacy, have sex, go drink, have fun. And She left it at that. I was totally confused & uncertain, but I obeyed. It wasn’t easy. And of course people misunderstood & accused me of just wanting to whoop it up & be a hedonist & sex maniac, lol.

          Here’s the rub, – I don’t have to tell you – you & all enlightened people know. When one gets involved with the earth, one’s consciousness sinks down to a lower level & one feels all the emotions which give one anxiety. It’s desires – they form. One has to look good, that becomes a focus. One has to act right to be successful in the dating game. One has to take chances. There is fear of being rejected & the fear is well founded – rejection abounds. Then there’s jealousy, ugly jealousy that one feels constantly in many situations. It brings back all the animal emotions & sinful thoughts & ideas like hate &anger. Even if one doesn’t give into these emotions strongly, one feels them & they’re ugly. It’s suffering, isn’t it?

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          And what is the purpose of all this?

          OK the saints leave their contemplation to go out into the streets – where angels fear to tread, or as I said when I stripped, ‘We go where Priests & nuns fear to tread.’

          But I was not a missionary. I did not go with a bible or tracts & stand on the street & give out literature at that time {though I had done that before} but I sat at the bars & drank alcohol & picked men up or had them pick me up & went & made love. That’s not the behavior of any saint I know, lol. Not the ones in the books.

          And so if this is what God wanted, why didn’t She send me out as a missionary? I had once done that before, around 2001, for 3 months up & down the streets with a megaphone preaching. But this was different.

          RAM: If God had sent you as a missionary like before, it would have been a different message. Here God actually wanted you to be a COUGAR – the message was like so,

          “Old woman, get out of your rocking chair. Put aside the knitting & the gardening tools & go out & find a young man & have fun with him. He needs you, you need him. Dispel the myth that old women are over the hill, unattractive for sex. They are viable, alive, they deserve to ‘have fun’ in the earthly sense.

          This ability for old women to have fun has been forbidden, denied them for thousands of years. They have been repressed, shut down & shut up. Loosen old women up, give them confidence, let them give up the myths about being finished, needing to go out to pasture. Let them cut loose.”

Don’t you see that was your missionary message? It wasn’t to repent of sin, this is a different message, it was to repent of repression. Repent of Patriarchy, repent of the double standard. Repent of fear of society.

          And so, as with your other projects, you empowered women. Can you see that now?

          ME: Yes, I see it more clearly. Strange, but I wrote & published two books on it – “Old Woman – Young Man, Why They Belong Together” Parts I & II, & yet, somehow I didn’t connect the dots.

          Now when you say it, I see it more clearly, that that is why I had to go out & drink & literally have sex again.

          I have always shown the world – often women – not only by words but example. I did not just preach to lift weights, I actually did it. Had I merely preached women should lift weights, what would have been the outcome? Who would have listened? It would have still behooved some female to go out there & demonstrate weight lifting, but I was the one that had to do it. I mean mainstream work – Esquire, Playboy, national TV shows. It had to be demonstrated. {Yes some women did it before me but it had not hit the national mainstream level.}

And this is the same token, one has to go out & do the thing one believes in, set an example. OK, I get it now.

          So tell me, did it work? I did it & it made a mark in my college town, but I have not got the national publicity I used to get. And so the time has not yet fully come, I gather, for the fruition of this mission. Will it come out in some mainstream way with my life story, is that what is coming?

          RAM: You have sown the seeds, they will grow. Don’t worry about it. It will indeed be a big part of your life story, as important as anything else you have done. And it will continue to grow & thrive long after you have gone, left the earth. These are seeds that will grow into groves of Oak Trees, big forests, major manifestations. You have left a great example & it isn’t just words, you have proof in your pictures. That’s why God had you not only to do what you did at the bars, but become a photographer so you have documented PROOF of your escapades, as people know, you had intimacy with many of your models, so as pictures say a thousand words, now people will see & believe what you did – lol.

          ME: It all makes sense, falls together. Thank you Ramana Maharshi!

          What about now & the future? Is it finished? Am I to do what now? Does it matter? I can be celibate or I can have sex, it’s all the same to me.

 

My sex drive does not compel me any more, I have reverted to how I felt when I was celibate, I am free.

          RAM: Like you say, you are free. Whatever you do is alright. You have beaten sex in that you overcame it. You plunged into the morass & then you got out. Wow, was it hard when you fell in love. But you succeeded. It was a great project, congratulations.

          ME: Thanks Ramana. You are a great Guru. {end Chapter 1}

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Purgatory & Death of Lover

 

Souls in Purgatory calling me –

2nd Two dreams re Lover & his death  11-18-22 

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I’ve not been paying attention to Holy Souls for weeks, having been discouraged because none of them appeared & none ascended. So I just stopped saying the Holy Mass. When I had these dreams I was baffled since I had forgotten about the Souls, but when I remembered them suddenly, I knew they were calling to me.

 

The first dream bothered me a lot. There was an old lady who brought children or the case of her children, to someone who had the ability to help – like a Welfare facility. Don’t know what happened, but she goes back home to an awful hovel. I had NO IDEA how poor she was – she has NOTHING.

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*** {OLD LADY SEEKING HELP FOR 2 INFANTS – VERY POOR: This is a person seeking help for 2 clients, often seen as ‘children.’ She cannot help them because she’s probably in Heaven – it’s not their prerogative to minister to Souls – it is ours. She probably came to me, but I wasn’t saying the Holy Mass, so she got nothing from me for them.

The poverty of these people is so pitiful – the dirtiness of the rugs the kids are wrapped in is the state of their Souls, which must be CLEANSED.

BLANKETS are like MANTLES. Holy souls or the Anointed have mantles of LIGHT. But those in a Purgatorial state have mantles of dirtiness – is surrounds them like being wrapped in a blanket, it obscures their vision of God & happiness.} ***

 

Her house doesn’t even have walls, it’s like an open area with a wall behind her & a stack of dirty rugs or blankets in front of her. She unravels one blanket – it’s red, then another & another, each one as dirty as can be. She has no clean blankets, she cannot afford to get them washed – not even the money for that – she has nothing.

 

*** {HAS NOTHING – CANNOT EVEN PAY TO WASH THE BLANKETS: The petitioner needs GRACE for these clients, it is Grace which does the cleansing. She cannot give it if she herself is either in Purgatory or Heaven.} ***

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After unraveling all the rugs I see an infant, then another infant. One of them has a wound. She needs someone to take them, to take care of them – adopt them. The place where she went for help it seems didn’t help & they had no idea how poor she was & the condition of her children.

 

I see a man from Australia – so I am told – sort of hovering by these blankets, & he takes one of the children. We were concerned he’d take the right one – don’t know what that means. But one child was saved.

 

*** {MAN FROM AUSTRALIA TAKES ONE OF THE CHILDREN: This is someone who has taken on ministering to one f the clients. Not sure what he does. Could be anything that gains Grace – the Holy Mass, prayers, sufferings, charity, or sacrifices.} ***

 

After that I see other situations of people with children in blankets, not as poor as this lady, the blankets are clean, but all needy people looking for help with their children.

 

In the second dream, I’m being led by a man who has rented an apt for part time, when we are working in this area – this is not clear what we’re doing. It has to be a decent place but not too expensive for some reason, I guess we aren’t rich.

 

I have in tow a little dog, some kind of a bulldog type, maybe a pug, by a leash.

 

The man leads me – I don’t know who he is, how he looks, just that he has something to do with me. We come to an alley & the door to the place I somewhat hidden, like in a narrow area between the huge wall it’s on & some kind of wall or partition in front of the door.

 

He unlocks the door & we go in to inspect.

 

*** {MAN LEADING ME, UNLOCKS DOOR, A RATHER HIDDEN PLACE: Without a doubt, this is someone in Heaven connecting me with the Soul. It is extremely difficult for a human, by themselves, to make a connection with a Soul in Purgatory – they are often led by a Celestial – it’s happened to me many times. Sometimes the ‘person’ is an Angel – could be the Guardian Angel of the person needing help.} ***

 

It’s the plainest apt imaginable, where a poor person would live. The furniture is modern & bare-bones type. We enter the living room first. There isn’t any color, it’s drab, but yet, I am satisfied. There is a couch on the left—off white, & another place to sit – not sure if it’s a day bed or sofa, also a plain color but darker, in front of me.

 

Both items have pillow cases left by the last tenant – I think it was an older man – fitted over the couch & the sofa on some part, plus one yellow pillow case. I exclaim to my friend that these 1st 2 pillow cases are exactly like the ones I have, an exquisite pattern of a floral design, pink, burgundy, fancy design with black trim on top. So this is a sign I’m supposed to be here.

 

*** {POOR APT: This seems to be a place inhabited by a Soul who has passed on. His pillow cases just like mine shows some connection to me, but I don’t know what. He might have been someone I know or someone who knows of me.

Come to think of it, my good friend Jack I think has died. It might be him. But I already had a dream about him which I didn’t write down, which seemed like he was in Heaven already. He was a stellar human being.

The LITLE DOG is an ALERT like a sentinel. Dogs bark to alert us of something. So I am being alerted.} ***

 

Next I go to examine other rooms to the left. Surprised to see a bathroom with only a toilet – the man tells me it doesn’t work. Next to it is another bathroom with toilet, sink & I guess tub, which is in proper order. But I exclaim,

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“Two baths next to each other!”

But the man says,

“I told you, the first one doesn’t work.”

I was thinking of going past here to see any other rooms – where is the kitchen? But the dream ends, I do not see the rest of the place or a kitchen, maybe it has no kitchen, which would be pretty bad.

 

*** {LIVING ROOM, PLAIN, & BATHROOM – NO BEDROOMS & NO KITCHEN THAT I CAN SEE: The main message here is no kitchen, no nourishment for this Soul. If I was saying the Holy Mass, you might see a kitchen, a table, food or drink for the Soul. A bedroom, which I didn’t even think of during the dream, would show REST as REST IN PEACE, but this Soul is not there yet.

I must immediately say a Holy Mass.} *

 

Dreams re Lover Nick

 

11-18-22              Men Trying to Reach Me, One will drown

 

I was walking fast down a big open space like a square, brightly open to the sky, when I knocked into a male in a cream-colored suit & all light clothing going the opposite way. I thought it was just a random accident, but after I excused myself & thought I was free, he is following me – something I don’t want.

 

          I try to get away from him but then a second man appears & it seems a serious imposition, & I am having trouble getting away, so I rise into the air, but the man in the suit seems to touch my feet slightly & I must rise higher & higher – which is a strain at times.

 

          *** {TALL MAN IN CREAM COLORED SUIT: We COLLIDE & then I CANNOT GET AWAY FROM HIM. This is Nick as my HUSBAND, who I cannot get away from after we meet. I want to but I can’t get over the obsession – it’s love but of the earth, & I’m having trouble getting back to my intimacy with God.

When I rise into the air I’m beginning to ascend into my Spiritual Space again, but not totally – he can touch my feet, so I am STILL IN BONDAGE TO HIM & MY FLESH AS I struggle to rise higher into the Light.} ***

 

          The other man is short while this man is tall, he’s in soft multi colors.

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*** {THE SECOND MAN, SHORT, COVERED IN CLOTHING SIMILAR TO THE APPEARANCE OCEAN WE WILL ENCOUNTER – This is the SHORT TIME AFTER I got over Nick, but HE DID NOT GET OVER ME, that is, HIS OBSESSION CONTINUED.

What he did not realize was that TRYING TO BE WITH ME, he could nor rise into the Spirit as I had risen, he was too much OF THE EARTH. The ocean I fly over is the world, the flesh, & he is covered with the world & flesh {his clothing}, he can’t ascend.

          And so, after we reconciled June 2nd, 2022, he was following me in his mad love but he could not ‘go up’ & staying in his earth mentality or consciousness, he died. He could only LEAVE HIS BODY OR FLESH to be with me, & THAT HE DID.} ***

 

          Then something happens that liberates me – the ocean is right ahead of us. If I rise into the air as I am, & fly over the ocean, in order to follow me they must go into the water. The suit man does not, but the shorter one does, & he follows me as I fly farther & farther over the ocean, & so he’s getting into deeper & deeper waters. He is SO OBSESSED with this he might not pay attention to the fact that HE WILL DIE as he goes into water above his head – & he is headed to that. At some point unless he can swim like a fish, he’s doomed.

 

          The surface of the ocean looks like a picture of a world globe, all in soft colors & lights with the moon shining over it. His outfit also has like colors.

 

2nd dream: The glass full of golden liquid & I am tempted to be jealous.

          I was with my lover before this first scene; I see we were deeply intimate, reconciled.

 

*** {INTIMATE, RECONCILED: This is when Nick called me & showed me he wanted to be together – a big event as it was only the 2nd time in eleven years he ever called me. And he wanted to see me, but I told him under what conditions, that he leave his fake wife & go into rehab, that he was not able to meet.} ***

 

          But now I’m going into a brightly-lit kitchen, which is in front of me & he in the doorway. The kitchen is shaped like a railroad car – about 8’ by 15’.

          The lover stands in the doorway, I must squeeze past him where I see a glass sort of hovering in the air like it is there for me to take, in front of me, & also in front of him.

 

*** {GLASS FILLED WITH GOLDEN LIQUID: This is the ELIXIR OF LOVE. One can give this love & receive it with whomever they wish. He did not do as I asked, but he stayed with Ruth Anne, so he is giving my ‘sister’ the love that should be mine.

          This was me waiting for him to do something after the phone call June 2nd, as was predicted months before. But he never did anything & killed himself of a drug over dose on Aug 14, 2022.

Why must I SQEEZE PAST HIM? Means he is BLOCKING YOUR WAY to access the LOVE POTION or reception of his love.

But another telling symbol is the KITCHEN shaped like a RAILROAD CAR. RAILROADING is forcing someone to do something, pushing them. A railroad is FORCEFUL & nothing can stand before it without being mowed down. This is your ULTIMATUM or terms by which you would see Nick – leave Ruth Anne & go into rehab. So in the dream, he instead offers Ruth Anne his SWAN SONG or his last ingestion of drugs, which kills him.} ***

 

          He’s singing & as he sings he offers this glass to my SISTER instead of me, & this disturbs me greatly because we were just together intimately & reconciled. And I knew then, since he ignored me, he did not even try to leave her.

 

          *** {HE’S SINGING – WHY? This is his SWAN SONG – not a good omen. Singing is not always happy, it is a portent of trauma or death. The only time it’s recorded Jesus sang is at his Last Supper. Also, you, Rasa, for months before your several heart attacks, began to sing, trying to form a band. But nothing took place. And thereafter, you were disabled from even dancing, so it was also your SWAN SONG. It’s also like a TOAST TO DEATH as if he’s saying to Ruth Ann

“I drink to you – a toast. My last drug intake, which will kill me. It’s because of you, so I take it in your honor, for my LOVE OF DRUGS.”} ***

 

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          As I stand over the sink I am upset, & tempted to explode in anger, but I resist. I explain to myself like so:

“This will backfire on her. I am hurting now but her turn is coming, she will suffer before the end of this day on account of him. Just remain silent & let fate unfold.”

 

*** {I SUFFERED, NOW IT WILL BE HER TURN, I MUST STIFLE MY ANGER, JUST LET FATE TAKE ITS COURSE: Her suffering she will feel now for a long time –his death, his absence. My suffering is past, hers began & will go on. She knows their druggie lifestyle that she enabled, has killed him. She will know that forever.

 

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