Chapter 16 – The James Brown Story – 7-16-21

 How James Brown looked when I met him in 1966

 

          There are some stories that are so painful & embarrassing –‘I Was Such a Fool to Fall in Love With You’ that they’re hard to tell. I have a few such memories up my sleeve but something says I should end Part 4 with the James Brown saga. I will save other super-painful face-reddening stories in Parts 5 & 6.

 

          I was but 21 when I first saw James Brown – at a huge coliseum-type forum, outdoors, in LA. He performed in front of about 16k people. I was impressed. In those days I took everything seriously, like the contest between two of his singers he always ran – who has the most soul – each singing a bit, then the other, whoever gets the most applause wins. I hate such contests, it makes one successful at the defeat of the other – it’s demeaning. {I know that’s a contradiction, as I entered many beauty contests, but when one is in a GROUP it’s less extreme than the one-to-one deals.}

 

          Then there was the ‘robes’ gimmick. In the end, James supposedly ‘collapses,’ & they put a bright robe over him, but he throws off the robe, keeps singing & dancing, & this is repeated at least three times, with the last robe being solid gold. Later I read he got the idea from a wrestling star {his name & info is on Wikipedia}.

 

         

His dancing was AMAZING, which proves you do a thing from the time you’re a kid, you’re bound to get good at it.  He would have gone crazy to see his hair disheveled like this, every hair had to be in place.  I knew one of his hairdressers, Frank, later on, after the thingy with James was over.  He always had a hairdresser, male or female, everything had to be perfect.

James Brown was a model of endurance & good health. {Although the sight of him between shows, with a needles in his arm, administered by a health care worker I presume, his blood soaking up some kind of liquid from a bottle higher up, like in a hospital, – was an eye-opening wonder.}

Don’t know what drugs he took at times to keep going, but I know he smoked grass. I was clean as a whistle before that, but started to smoke it because of him – the habit stayed a year & was brutal to beat. I abhor drugs, always have, and always will. My parents never said one word about it – where I got my hate of drugs I’m not sure, possibly from loving Jesus, the Saints, & their mortification.

 

Not saying I don’t drink – Jesus first miracle was changing water into wine; wine is part of the Holy Mass, the disciples imbibed wine, it was no sin. But street drugs, they just seem wrong to me.

 

          So I see James Brown as a great, invincible star & I was with a friend, decide to go downtown LA when he appears next. I stand in the front row. I am the only white woman there. The place is jam packed, everyone screaming when he performs.

 

          First he comes out & plays the organ – not too well but it’s appreciated. Then the Famous Flames do their thing – they are not so hot, sing an Otis Redding song, I think it was ‘Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa” & they want us to think they, not Otis, made it famous & we’re supposed to applaud forcefully. But they have to tell us to do so. {If you gotta’ tell’m, you ain’t.}

 

         Finally James comes out & does his hits – it’s pandemonium, & at the end, he gives out souvenirs. I got a cuff link, which I later framed in a gorgeous boxlike setting, professionally done. {Wish I had it now but when you’re young you move so many times, you leave things behind.}

 

         How I looked when I dated James Brown,  pics 1965 1966.  I think the last time I saw him was 1969

 

I ask the attendants that I’d like to meet the star – they keep telling me his wife is there – I don’t believe them & ask again, & again, & again.

 

          Finally, there is a date. I get to meet the great man in his hotel, he signs an 8×10 for me saying,

 

          “To Kellie – You are my baby I hope.”

 

          Then we make love & I spend the night with him. In the morning the maid starts opening the door & he stops her – why wasn’t ‘do not disturb’ or the deadlock put on?

 

          Two things were striking about seeing him. One, how hard his legs were – they were like iron. And two, every time I saw him I started to bleed – menstrual blood. He even asked me why – I didn’t know, I just knew that each time he came to town, we had a date, I started to bleed. Somewhat embarrassing. It had to be a precursor of the pain I would go through.

 

          Why did I suffer so much with him? Because I fell in love, & there were two factors that would put me on the Cross. One, I didn’t understand it then, but I was suffering from PTSD from losing Dad, at age ten – when he refused to take me to live with him & left me at the mercy of Mom, who had none. I told him I felt like killing myself but he did nothing, his only advice, a thousand times was, ‘You must study.’ As a result, each time I fell in love – through my entire life – the PTSD kicked in. Of course, every individual took it personally& thought I was ‘obsessed’ with him – but I wasn’t. It was Dad that had broken my heart into smithereens, they were only icons.

 

          

          The second factor was these guys – the black stars from the south – all of them – just wanted to hit multiple white women. They made up for Sherman going through the south burning up plantations, they went through the north & West ‘burning up’ white women.

 

          My companion through this affair was my black roommate, Ginger Tubbs – {her real name, if anyone could find her, she’d confirm what went on.} I had a house in Beverly Hills & after about 6 months I thought having a roommate might help, & she agreed. Prophetically, there was a framed poster on the inside of the door, life sized, which featured two dancers, a black & a white on, both in skimpy costumes shapely & beautiful, & the white one had her leg draped over the other one’s leg. In Egyptian symbolism if you have two Pharaohs, the one that has their leg or arm over the other one is the dominant person. I invited her, so I was the assertive person. She also complained that everything had to be ‘my way,’ – I wasn’t aware of that & tried to improve.

 

          Ginger was my twin – height, weight & shape. We earned the exact amount of money as go go dancers, $12 per hour {1967 is $95.66 an hour today,}, plus tips, the top paid in those days.

 

          Now Ginger & I were treated to a trip by James Brown {what year – 1967?} from LA to Ohio where he was performing. He told me a couple times, when he said,

 

          “Bring another girl,” he meant WHITE girl.

 

          But he told Ginger,

          “I’m not usually into white females, but Kellie is different.”

 

          BTW I asked all my white gf’s to go with me to see James but none would consent. {In case you aren’t aware, dating blacks in the 60’s was considered demeaning – the civil rights movement & time finally changed that. James contributed with some of his work including the hit song ‘Say it Loud, I’m Black & I’m Proud.’ The term ‘black is beautiful’ also came about – I believed the inspiration came from ‘Song of Songs’ – ‘I am black but beautiful’ is where the Shulamite had to work in the fields & turned dark skinned from it. Having dark skin then was a no-no because slaves / servants worked in the fields – but the point here was that God sent a person to the mission fields, where one acquires faults, but this obedience to God doing Her work, turns the soul beautiful, the faults are overlooked.}

 

          It wasn’t a BIG affair, just a little one, but the most embarrassing part is my obsession, with the PTSD kicking in. Had I ‘played it cool’ like his associates told me, it would have been lovely. He would have used me as arm candy & ego; we would have had a good time whenever he was in town. But I jumped the gun & wanted more than he could give – because of anxiety.

 

          I must add that James had the same PTSD – because he was abandoned by his Mom at a young age {can’t find documentation but it was before his 6^th grade.} His Dad left him with a wonderful woman, however who encouraged & built him up – this lady, an aunt, who owned a restaurant, entertainment & therapy centers, told him he’d be a star. But still the Mommy thing hurt – some said he was bitter when she showed up years later at a show, calling him ‘my baby,’ but he said, ‘I’m not your baby any more.’

 

          A sign of his having PTSD was a girl friend of his said he called incessantly – wanting to know what she was doing – like 50 times a day. This shows emotional anxiety & insecurity – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the loss of a loved one.

                              

          But his condition did not allow him to understand my fears & show any mercy.

 

         How we looked when we were dating.  He never allowed pics of us together because for him to be with a white woman publicly would have brought great criticism from his people

I find it not peculiar but typical, that the world explains the story of a life from the outside in, without focusing on psychological & spiritual factors. It’s like all there is is the world & what one does in it. Read his Wikipedia page – it’s long & tedious, all the details, nothing much on what counts – his interior state, the psychology.

 

          They do the same to the saints, including the stigmatized ones. They speak of the physical characteristics of their wounds; they are riveted on that, not the psychological, spiritual realm. I find that sort of treatment boring, no depth, what does it mean? That’s one reason I’m writing my life myself, with all its ramifications, before they twist it in dastardly ignorance, to what it is not. I’ve seen what they’ve done to my life in the media – they started with jokes. Esquire magazine – I found out later {I called in 1985 asking them to do a retro of the 1975 article & the editor told me ‘We don’t have that same kind of humor today’} – to them a woman with muscles WAS A JOKE.

Then Stripping for God, giving sermons before I danced, WAS A JOKE. They trivialize & demean everything to some sort of hardy har har, you gotta’ have a gimmick, routine. They don’t have the brains to ask the big questions,

 

          “Why should women lift weights? Why were women forbidden to do so?”

          I would have said it was a Patriarchal lie, that only they had strong muscles & athletic prowess, we were to be feminine, passive & subservient. It was their brainwashing.

 

          Instead, on the Mike Douglas Show, they had a tent, & a comedian took me by the hand & pulled me into it in front of the camera – to their eyes fukking me. ALL A JOKE. It started that way, but after it took off big time, they stopped laughing. We had infiltrated a stronghold of the Patriarchy – God did it under their very noses, using their own media, to empower women & disempower men.

 

          Then of course, I was giving sermons & got on all the front pages & News in every town I went. On Real People, one of the biggest breakthroughs, in 1979 – the host kept making eyeballs at my statements, instead of proposing questions like,

 

          “Aren’t women in the adult trade known to be the biggest SINNERS against God, & so, how could such a woman preach & say she’s saving souls?”

 

          To which I might have answered,

 

          “What makes you think nudity & sex outside of marriage is a sin? That’s Patriarchal thinking, not Matriarchal. In the days of Matriarchy nudity was natural & sex was sacred.”

 

          OK I vaguely recall it was four years after James’ death that I had a significant dream. Some of you know I’ve had a lifelong ministry to Purgatory. I’ve gotten thousands of souls out by being an intermediary between them & the Almighty – it’s a Gift, & one I cherish & worked for.

 

          I didn’t even know he was dead – I don’t pay attention to mainstream news. So I’m at a show waiting for him to come out, waiting, waiting – nothing. I go into the building where he’s supposed to enter from & find him in a room. It’s all white squares with huge windows, like many squares put together. {This represents purity & perfection spiritually} – I speak to him. Then a male attendant takes him & me into a private, darkened place, like a hallway by a door & wall.

 

          The attendant let’s me know there’s supposed to be a kiss. I found that repellant as it reminded me of how much he hurt me, but of course, I kiss him. Then the attendant, who I later realized was his guardian angel, takes him away. James’ parting words to me, which infuriated me at the time, were,

 

          “Don’t go out with a black man.”

 

          In those days, for years, I preferred dating black men to white. I thought they were the most handsome, sexy men on earth. So for him to say that took the wind out of my sails & also didn’t make sense as he was black. I shall channel him now, & ask him, what did his statement mean?

 

          JB {James Brown}: I knew black men would hurt you more than white men, because they were hurt. They take revenge on white women.

 

          ME:   Is that all? I think they take revenge on black women also, I have seen, heard hundreds of incidents in person & on TV.

 

          JB:   I was trying to protect you, my advice was ‘words to the wise.’ I knew what would happen again & again, & eventually you got fed up with them & decided to turn around & think another way. I helped you do that.

 

          ME:   OK, so you were on my side. Now that you are in Heaven, what do you think of our affair & how I suffered of a broken heart?

 

          JB:   I was not sorry then as I didn’t realize how much you loved me, I didn’t have time to think about your feelings, I just wanted to get through what I had facing me each day, get my work done, do my slam bam thank you ma’am routine with women & be done with it. I could not analyze their or your feelings.

 

          ME:   One of the most painful things was the time, after me calling you again & again, you were in LA & invited me to your room. You said bring a friend. I had no one willing to go. I came alone. When I knocked on your door I heard you inside on the phone. Then one of your attendants came up to me & said you could not see me, your wife was arriving. I almost died right there, almost passed out. Did you have the attendant watch me arriving to see if I brought another girl – a white one preferably- & when I did not you cared not to see me?

JB:   Something like that. Why did you love me so much that it was so important? You could have had any man you wanted, white multi millionaires asked you for marriage but you refused. Why was I so important?

 

ME:   Who can understand falling in love? Why did you resent your Mom abandoning you? Why was she so important? There were so many Aunts willing to take you in?

 

JB:   Touché. You win. PTSD isn’t logical. A soldier comes back from the war & he thinks there’s a mine in a NYC park, he shudders & shakes. He wakes up with nightmares when nothing is there. He relives the terror of war. And both you & I relived the loss of a beloved parent, I should have understood but did not care enough. My need with you was I wanted you to make me look good, a beautiful white woman gave me prestige.

 

ME:   So all I was was prestige, arm candy, a status symbol. You were a great star so you could make it with a beautiful young white female. You didn’t love me at all. What about later? Did you ever change your mind when you saw my spiritual accomplishments?

 

JB:   It did surprise me when I saw your fame as the Stripper for God – right after that I went to the street & had the news cover me ‘preaching’ imitation of you {NYC}. If you could do it, so could I. I didn’t know you had it in you, I didn’t see your inside.

 

ME:   It really hurt when someone told me you offered Diane McBain $3,500 for sex. You had me for free. Wow was I crushed. Was it true?

 

JB:   If it was, I didn’t mean it, it was just talk. You were better than her, it’s just that she was famous & her price tag would be high.

 

ME:  So I had no financial value, no price tag. I was just a desperate female in love, you could treat me anyway you wanted. You could abuse me, I was kind of used to it, but it still hurt.

 

JB:   Honesty, now I can see the degree of love you had, then I did not, so I didn’t see how much it would hurt. I do feel sorry for not caring, not being sensitive to your love.

 

ME:   OK, but God through your guardian Angel, brought you to me for that Sacred Kiss, with which grace you could then ascend into Heaven. How do you see this? Why did you have to receive my kiss to ratify heaven? I mean all the women you knew & loved – dozens of them. Why not go to them for the kiss? Why was I the one for this Sacrament?

 

JB:   All the women? They were women, not Anointed Beings. They did not minister to Purgatory; they didn’t have that kind of Power. Earthly people have no spiritual power, they could have kissed me a million times but it would not have brought me to Heaven.

.

          When you kissed me you transmitted Spiritual Power to me. It was God’s Love. By God’s love I ascended.

 

ME:   On another point, what do you think of my young spiritual husband? Is he a gift from God & when we finally unite as roommates & live together, will we be happy? Do you think it’s a reward or compensation for all my broken heartedness?

 

JB:   You deserve this love, finally & at long last. You’ve had so much suffering & abuse, it’s about time. Yes, you’ll be happy.

 

ME:   OK, the time you transported me from LA to Ohio in your private plane – Ginger & myself. Then you left us in the hotel, you checked out. We were baffled. We waited, no phone call, no nothing. We assumed you deserted us there, & we took a plane back home – another broken heart. Why did you leave us there with no message? Then months later I called you when you came to LA & you asked why did we leave? WTF were you doing?

 

JB:   I was a fool. I should have explained that I would check out, but then check back in, just wait. But I didn’t explain. For some reason I didn’t think you had the bread for a plane out. I should have thought more on this, but I hurt you again & again.

 

ME:   I did feel special at that time, however. You took me to meet Duke Ellington, & he said,

 

          “Who is the pretty lady?”

 

          And you took me to see other shows. It was a good time, but after that, more & more pain. I can hardly think about it.

 

JB:   It’s your birthday, don’t think about pain any more. Try & relax & think of the good things God has done for you. Write more about this later, you are exhausted.

 

ME:   OK James Brown in Heaven, over & out until next time. Oh, wait. One more thing. I met Otis Redding & he asked me to make love with him, but I did not. If I had, do you think it would have been a beautiful memory, since he died later that year? As a strange fact, he cancelled a plane to meet me.

 

JB:   If I was still alive, I would have been jealous, but now, I’m not. Too bad he died so soon, he was a great star & would have been greater – big competition for me.

 

          Should you have made love? You can still do so, ask him to make love to you from Heaven, after all, it’s only energy. He’s your friend & hovering around you all the time – ask him for anything.

 

ME:   OK I will. Thanks for everything. I feel better now. I’ll probably tell the people more later, I just can’t think about this any more. {End channeling.}