Chapter 10 – The Names I Gave Characters in My Life

–  Early Life

 

 

                     Here are the theatrical names I gave the significant people in my life & why:

 

MEDUSA:   Is Mom, in fact, she gave this name to herself {as I channeled} to personify her bad traits, each snake coming out of her head is a vice, such as: Serial abortionist {7}, liar, deceiver, traitor, abuser, animal abuser, psychopath…… Wikipedia: “one of the three monstrous Gorgons, generally described as winged human females with living venomous snakes in place of hair. Those who gazed into her eyes would turn to stone.”

 

DON QUIXOTE &/or SIR LANCELOT:   Is Dad. First, because he pursued an impossible dream of happiness with Mom – she didn’t love him after the first year, but he wouldn’t leave her. Second, he was a great ‘Knight’ like Sir Lancelot, but he was flawed, not a perfect Saint.   Wikipedia:   “Just as Shakespeare wrote in no genre, Don Quixote is tragedy as well as comedy.”…..

 

SANCHO PANZA:   Marius Bernotas, the new lover / live in boy friend of Mom, who lived with us for maybe two years, then Dad got us a farm, where we lived with Marius – Dad was supposed to join us but never did. Dad was living in a dream created by Mom – that they were still a couple, she was not having sex with Marius, & this was perpetrated by her probably to retain support. This dream died after a year when she told him she couldn’t stand him any more. Mom told Dad that her latest child was his, while she told Marius the same thing – each man believed it & tug-of-wars ensued with shouting matches of ‘Give me my child!’

 

          I named Marius Sancho Panza as he followed Dad in the dream that could never be; he was led by foolish notions & got fooled. I was with Dad when he went to Marius to offer room & board with us for $6 a week {in 1951 or “52.} Marius didn’t know what he was getting into. Mom had first an affair with our young priest but tired of him, then she picked on Marius, the Church organist. Marius was handsome I thought, but emotionally excitable. I liked him, as I liked most people. I did not then even imagine Mom having an affair with him—I didn’t know what sex was, being 6. Sancho Panza, by following Don Quixote, thought he would achieve something, but there was no success, Marius suffered, had a nervous meltdown of sorts when he chased Mephisto {explained below} down the street with a knife, then got thrown out of our house into a tiny room behind the garage, where he played the piano reverberating through the night. He was never allowed in the house again, eventually leaving us. Last time I saw him I was maybe 10 years old, bumped into him on the street in Freehold, he had no teeth, seemed desperate for some sort of contact / connection / love, but it wasn’t to be. All that hard work! He worked his fingers to the bone on the ‘homestead,’ & after a while, we couldn’t make it, he held down two jobs, all for naught.

 

 

MEPHISTOPHELES:   A young woman fifteen years my senior – they adopted her from Lithuania, a distant relative, as she lost her parents to the war. She became the best friend of Mom, Medusa Jr. of sorts, brainwashed by her as was my brother. She was a bully, mostly a good person but sided with Mom in demoralizing me. She did good things but believed in Mom’s version of reality in exchange for what? Number 2 position in Mom’s Mafia, Godmother 1 & 2. Forty two years after Mom’s death, she still maintains that Mom & bro, the two abusers, were good guys. So of course the abuse I got was warranted, except, she claims, there was no abuse, I am a liar & deluded.

 

          Why Mephistopheles? In the story of Faust, Mephistopheles was not Satan but worked for him – he collected the doomed souls. And so, this person was not the original leader but influenced & controlled the weaklings & sheep, all of whom knew ‘what side their bread was buttered on.’ After Mom’s death ‘Mempho’ {for short}, maintained the party line. It was politically correct to go against Rasa & you were doomed if you were for her. None of them wanted to be ‘outside’ the family graces, so they obeyed.

 

 

PAUL BUNYAN:   My Uncle Henry, who I adored along with Aunt Dagmar, his wife. He was a jolly, fun-loving, life of the party guy, handsome, charming, masculine, up to a lot of hard work or even a good fight if warranted. He played the accordion at all our festivities, he joked, he was physically strong, worked like a horse, besides a full-time job, built a second floor onto their house as well as a two-car garage & beautiful stone walls around their driveway. He was admirable in many ways. His one flaw is he helped thwart my relationship with a handsome young, wealthy boy named Danny Grant – he was jealous. Then after a falling out with my Aunt over this episode, he took me on a ‘ride’ & was planning to rape me, but my guardian angels stopped him.

 

          He’s Paul Bunyan because of masculine qualities.

 

          I might add that he hated my Mom because Mom tried to break him up with Aunt Dagmar when they were courting. He knew, like my Dad did, that I was being abused by Mom but did nothing about it. No one wanted to ‘get into trouble’ for standing up for me.

 

 

UGLY STEPMOTHER from Cinderella:   My Aunt Dagmar who turned ugly on me when I turned teenager. Her hatred of me came from Mom, a victim of brainwash. She also hated sex – anyone that had sex outside of marriage was evil {except Mom} – & being in the adult trade, showing one’s body nude or dancing nude on stage – was a major sin. God would not have anything to do with such people. She also was prejudiced against just about everyone, minorities, blacks, Puerto Ricans, people who dreamed dreams or had mystical qualities or visions were crazy. I had first known her with great love & was really sad to see her turn against me. She did not speak to me for 23 years because of Mom. I broke the ice when my husband died, called her, she was by now ready to bury the hatchet. She said she didn’t know I was being abused. Did she ever ask? No, they all listened to my Mom, took her side as the truth without ever questioning me – Only Uncle Henry & Dad knew she was lying, but neither one of them ever asked me anything. They knew if they knew the details they might have to do something, & God forbid they’d get into trouble for helping me, so better not ask.

 

          Mom used her for money the way she often did to people. I was there when Bro Jimmy had spent 3 weeks in the hospital with pneumonia. Mom asked Dagmar to pick him up. But they would not release him unless his bill was paid. It was 16k – in 1960 that would be $145,510.81 & DAGMAR WROTE A CHECK FOR IT! She seemed shocked but didn’t know what to do – what a sucker she was.

 

          Later Mom wanted to buy my brother a business & there was a lady in her employ at the Reader’s Digest who liked him. She conned her into borrowing 10k from her – which in 1963 today is worth $87,972. She never paid her back. But Dagmar did repay her from Mom’s estate I was told. {From 1963 to 1979 that money could have made her money in the stock market or at least interest – but I’m sure all she got back was the original 10k, if what I’m told is true, that Aunt Dagmar paid her.}

 

 

RIGOLETTO:   Was my evil brother, who was never a brother to me but an enemy. He was a weakling, a loser, his whole life amounted to Mr. Ordinary, & that, only because he was given a business & a wife, had he not been spoiled & supported by Mom & Mephisto, it would have been worse. So being propped up, he made it through. But he started life in High School with a flash. Captain of the football team, President of his class, salutatorian because he was President, he was popular & a big snob who pretended he didn’t know me when passing in the hall. He spent that year we were in H.S. together bringing Mom inflated & twisted stories about me, which she conveyed to Dad to show his love on me was wasted.

 

          Our years together were a mixed bag. We played all the games – volleyball, baseball, horseshoe, croquet, bows & arrows {which we made ourselves}, all kinds board games, wrestling in the wheat field. He was the partner that helped hone my physical skills.

 

          But he also had no heart. At age 10 he got a stick & they gave him a pocket knife. He got a bright idea: Whittle that stick into a spear with a 5” head, con Rasa to run with it spear up, pointed at her crotch, the cobblestones will stop her at some point, the spear will impale her by her vagina – what fun. My being only 7, I fell into his trap, wanting to prove I could run & not hit a cobblestone, I did as he suggested. Boom, of course I was eventually stopped, but the dear Lord diverted that spear from my crotch to my left thigh, making a flesh wound that was halfway or more through my leg. Mom did not take me to the doc for fear bro would get into trouble, she poured a bottle of iodine on it & put me to bed – it took weeks to heal, not being sewn up, the biggest scab anyone ever saw. I was at a pool with the scab & dozens of kids came by to see it, it was so enormous. I didn’t go into the water because of it, of course, just sat there.

 

          He did many other cruel things, explained in Part 2 of my life. He is Rigoletto because he was a cruel jester {in an opera by Verdi}. He wanted to take revenge on someone but it backfired on him. My brother wanted to hurt me, & did hurt me, but God protected me; Whereas my bro was accident prone, lost a finger in his teens, then an eye – half his face collapsed from that – was that his karma for evil? He was voted ‘Most likely to succeed’ in school – what a joke.

 

Because of family he graduated college – he did not work his way through, he was given room & board & whatever by them, but he could not get a job with his degree, applying for ‘editor’ type work. He tried to sell Kirby vacuum cleaners but never sold ONE. He opened up a landscape / lawn biz, but that failed. Not until Mom bought him a floristry business did he do ok for a while, but it never flourished, just coasted through.

 

He also could not get himself a wife. When he took females out he never spoke – the strong, silent type – haha, or is it the weak, dumb type? I know this for sure as you could not carry on an intelligent conversation with him & he never spoke when he drove me some place, {usually Church every Sunday, he was one of those fakes who goes to Church out of habit} he would obsessively turn the radio dial back & forth, back & forth, tires squealing as he went around curves & trying to hit any rabbit that might cross the road. In the 90’s I found the numbers of my old school chums– 6 or 7 of them. Two of the females, who were the most beautiful girls in my class – Barbara & Sally {will not give last names to retain their privacy} said they dated him! That turned my stomach, to imagine him groping them. They both said it was spooky as he never said a word! {It seems appropriate to add here that there were several attractive, interesting males in his class, but did he fix me up with them? Indeed, he did the opposite, pretended he didn’t even know me, shunned me when we met in school!}

 

Here comes Mom to save the day. There was a wonderful, beautiful female working under her employ at the Reader’s Digest, a secretary, bro’s age. She fixed them up, they got married & had three lovely children. If it wasn’t for Mom, Mephisto, & this good wife, would have become of him? Probably a bum / alcoholic on skid row or the like – he went to AA to get their ‘cure’.

 

PS   He did get to Heaven where he’s eternally next to Mom or in the ‘same space’. I saw that from ages ago – her waiting for him – he was the only person she ever loved. And God showed them where I was – in a bright light in the lap of Pope Pius XII representing Our Lord. We were in a theater, I on the stage with the Holy Father, they in the balcony in a DIM LIGHT. God wanted me to see where they were in Heaven, & wanted them to see who it was they abused. So they saw.

 

Later Mom appeared in a dream offering something that I think represented love, it was a garment over the body like a sweater, a gift for me. And bro showed me a green salad, to say, ‘Look at my victory; I made it,’ rejoice with me.’ OK, I’m glad you guys made it.

 

Then after that he appeared to me twice. The first time I only heard his voice & he said, ‘Help my children.’ I thought he meant with money, so I declined, after all, they weren’t even friendly to me. I hold no hard feelings, I told him, but I don’t care to give your kids money. {Sure, if they were kind to me, kept in touch, greeted me for Christmas & Holidays at least, I’d splurge on them – but they don’t. All the youth of our family treat me, one of my friends said, ‘Like you don’t exist.’ And some of them I was sending big bucks to, then I stopped, as they didn’t even say ‘thanks’ – I had to ask them, ‘Did you get the check for 6k?’ & they’d make excuses to say why they were too busy to let me know or say Merry Christmas – too busy to send an e mail! – So no kindness, no money for you.}

 

But then he appeared again while we were in a prayer group, & asked again ‘Help my children,’ & then I knew he meant spiritually. So of course I am sending them Spiritual Grace, whether they accept it or not is up to them. There are more details on him in Book 2, where I channel him, it’s eye opening. Case closed.

 

 

OTHELLO:   My first husband, an evil man, he’s Othello because he tried to strangle me TWICE, my Guardian Angels saved me. The second time I grabbed the baby & ran, got the super of the building to go back in with me while I collected my things, took a cab to a motel in far off Hollywood, & got a job working as a model {you will see the images of me age 20 in these books—in a sense, lucky that I left him at that time & had to work that way, as images are forever – & they voted me ‘one of the most beautiful women of the ages’ in St. Martin’s Press because of it.} I went back to care take him because he got a third bout of cancer. For my reward he – just before dying – cancelled his life insurance, leaving the baby & me penniless. I mean with less than 5 bucks to my name. {He was revengeful for what I did not do – I’d been raped & impregnated by Mr. Southern California, Bill McCardle, on a modeling job – he wanted to believe it was consensual. So I got punished again & again, getting raped, getting pregnant by it, then the life insurance cancelled because of it.}

 

          He spent 55 years in Purgatory paying for his sins. He ascended the day I told God I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. I had been seeing him in Purgatory for 36 years but the visions were unpleasant, he still harbored hate toward me {the last straw was when God told him I married a second time, & my good husband left me a huge sum of money – & this made him not glad but ANGRY} – So I said to God not to show him to me again. But years later I rescinded that; 55 years gone by, my charity caused his ascension. There’s more on this creature in Part 2 of my life including channeling – greatly revealing, amazingly, he informed me he was TWICE AS BAD AS MY MOM – look how long I spent in Purgatory, twice her time. I agreed but what a stretch, like saying ‘I was twice as bad as Hitler.’

 

 

SAINT ESQUIRE:   A best friend, attorney, who did marvelous things for me, treated me like a Queen, made me a birthday cake one year {to make up for the one Mom refused to accept, that my gf baked!}, carried my luggage up six flights of stairs when I returned from a job. He took me out every weekend for months – {I was celibate, platonic.} We used to meet at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel {had drinks, once ate at their ‘Bull & Bear’ restaurant}, usually went elsewhere for dinner, went to shows, theater, all the things New York has to offer. He was a total gentleman & restored my self esteem as a woman. This made up for so many pains & put downs from family & other creeps. He remained my best friend for ten years; he helped me build my lucrative business. I will speak more of him elsewhere.

 

 

THE GENTLE GIANT:   This was my second & sainted husband, Richard Von Werder. He & St. Esquire made up in a huge way, the many transgressions done to me. He treated me like royalty, he helped me so much I can’t even count the ways, & when sadly, he died, in my house, of a heart attack, he provided for me for the rest of my life. Through him God compensated me for much suffering – Will be more on him elsewhere.

 

 

MY ‘FRED ASTAIRE’:   Not the real Fred Astaire – {I saw the real one once in Beverly Hills, I was leaving a bank with a long, wide set of polished cement stairs – he bounded up sprightly, just like his movies, I stared.} This is a friend who reminds me of Fred. Fred could & would do anything – sing, act & dance, & my friend Jack also did anything for me, & was voted ‘The Best Slave of the Year’ by Hustler Erotic Video. He was also charming, sweet, affable, with a terrific sense of humor, & while he was with me, made my life 10 times easier. I shall never forget the time he spent 3 months with me in the summer. He cleaned my house, including the windows, then he acted in my videos where he did anything called for, no matter how strange, like pretending to let a female put out a lighted cigarette in his mouth {we put water in his mouth ahead of time.} He helped me with production of the videos – Then the ‘piece de resistance.’ I had been trying to move out of Brooklyn with dozens of car treks as well as a van & a truck. We had made a dozen trips, my male friends & I. But still, the furniture was there. I was so exhausted from all this I couldn’t take it any more. I told Jack ‘You have to do something for me, & I really need this favor, it’s serious.’ He awaited my command. ‘You have to get me out of B’klyn, all the furniture & appliances.’ What did he say? It was yes, & he got me out of B’klyn, finally! This man could & would do anything for me – one in a million! He’s alive & well working with baseball players in Florida, the greatest of men.