8-19-22 Meditation & Channeling Nicholas
Said a Holy Mass for him today – no doubt the first time he’s ever received the Body & Blood of Jesus & Mary
Where do I begin?
There’s what he & I are talking about, there’s reviews of our relationship. There’s list of hurts from him to me – why? {He wanted to hurt another woman, a caregiver, who didn’t protect him, but he can’t. So he takes it out on me} And from me to him, only to make him jealous, never to hurt.
There’s explanations of what it means for him to be, so to speak, ‘inside me,’ I’m him, he’s me, we are joined as they say, {like Cathy said in Wuthering Heights, ‘I AM Heathcliff!’}
“What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”
These are not EMPTY WORDS. Indeed, they are said in the wedding ceremony for many, some of who end up killing each other. Some have bitter divorces where each just wants the money they can get out of it. There are all sorts of recriminations & evil after those words for many.
But in a GENUINE marriage, it’s a Sacrament, which means something SUPERNATURAL takes place. And that is what cannot be dissolved, just like Baptism cannot disappear, neither can Confirmation, nor Holy Communion or Confession, or any meaningful Sacred ritual that is transacted between God & her creature.
Now that Nick is dead, the theater of life that he & I shared on earth is closed, a new theater starts. One explores this new place, while thinking what transpired? Now that it’s over all the pieces must fall into place, it looks different than before. There is no physical activity to be anticipated. We will never live together as ‘man & wife’ – he will never call me, we will never see each other’s bodies or make love. He will not hurt me nor I him.
Where do I begin? I’ve reviewed in the past so many times what happened between us that my friends got sick of it & shushed me up. I was obsessed, which I now see as ‘addiction.’ I was addicted to him as strongly a he was addicted to drugs. Getting over this ‘sickness’ of the flesh was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Had I not conquered this, I would be going through ‘withdrawal’ & horrendous grief right now – but I’m not. I already lost him when he made his decision for the drugs & drug buddies. Yes, we still made love, but he was not recognized as ‘mine’ – another woman graced his social media, it was accepted as the ‘right thing to do’ while I was seen as that which wasn’t right fell away – we hear no more of her – there was a ‘theater’ his friends believed in, no one questioned its appropriateness, no one complained or worried that this was a ‘drug enabling’ relationship. She was young & cute, that’s all that mattered.
I wrote to them I didn’t even know, – friends & family – pleading with them to help me get him into rehab. Little did I know that some of these people were addicts & dealers! Only one friend answered, denying Nick had a problem. I also asked him to put in ‘a good word’ for me – encourage Nick to be with me in a relationship & follow
my guidance. He answered that if Nick wanted to be with me, he would; there was no point in his intervening. Case closed.
This friend kept saying,
“You have no idea what he went through getting razzed about the pictures.”
Oh yes, the pictures. Those were taken to make him a star. I had a plan, but his ‘friend’s made it impossible. They made him turn his back on me. I was going to use those pictures, creating a book – which cost me thousands – with him as ‘America’s Most Beautiful Man’. This was to promote him, first as a model, then see where that could go– make him a celebrity, maybe movies. He could have used fame to jump start his rap music. He spent years with local yokels getting songs done – there was no hope of gold here, there’s millions of guys doing amateur night rap music – some are talented, but it takes more than that. Nick had incredible masculine beauty, a fantastic voice, made good songs, an imposing stage presence, BUT you have to have a manager, a plan, spend time & money. I was beginning to do that & his friends smashed the idea like pigs on books. Why? They didn’t understand it. The gutter was their comfort zone; they didn’t want Nick leveling up to leave them. When Nick & I were somewhat ‘open’ with our affair he became more of a ‘celebrity’ in their eyes than he’d ever been. Although they razzed him, the pics & book I created made him a legend – part of it being the size of his dick! The biggest dick in the hood, certainly on a handsome man, maybe some gorillas had one, but they were gorillas.
After we ‘fell out’ {but were still making love on & off, but I had given up on a public relationship nor him going into rehab} there were OPPORTUNITIES for reality TV shows, which I wrote him about, he ignored. So when the latest offer came in 2021 we’d not been speaking for 2 years. I didn’t have his phone – I did not even contact him the usual, convoluted way of having a friend message him on his face book. This deal would have made him a star & put me on the map again – they wanted our relationship televised, me being a Cougar. He would have got fame & fortune such as no one in the hood ever got – he forfeited that – there was no point in my writing him & getting rejected again. I suggested we use another guy – one of my models – but they said it had to be him, as it required a real love affair, not a front.
Thinking of these things makes me feel great frustration, let me get to other stuff. OK, our last conversation. I wish I had written down every word – but I didn’t, shall remember most of it. Since we’ll never speak again physically it’s now enshrined in my head.
He calls me June 2nd, 2022. It’s the middle of the night, I am by the phone expecting a call from a sick friend, so I pick up.
Our Last Conversation June 2, 2022
God had told me 4 months previous that he would call near this day – I had forgot. So we talk. Here’s the subjects:
*** He wants to come over. Obviously to have sex. I am 30 miles from him. I ask how he’ll get here – he says he’ll find a way & I know he will. But I tell him it can’t be like it was, I will not be your back street woman. You have another female as your partner on social media. I have to
be your main woman, no more second fiddle. And besides that, for us to be together as live-ins, you must first go through rehab.
*** His 3 yr old son: He wants his son to be better than him, he says something like look at me, I’m not that much, my son has to be better. {I was going to shame him before, like what if your son follows in your footsteps & becomes an addict? But I didn’t want to hurt him.}
*** The past: I explained to him that in the past when I was making out with guys in front of him or leaving the club with them I was doing it to make him jealous. I rarely ever took them home, maybe one out of 10 guys he saw me with did we have sex. {He did much worse hurtful things to me I will explain elsewhere, this was my way of getting back, but nothing worked with Nick, he was hopeless. When I hurt him by pretending like this he’d find a way of hurting me twice as bad next time. All I wanted was his love, his attention. But he could not give me it, 90% of the time in public he ignored me, but he gave attention to other women.}
*** I told him the truth, that since I last made love with him in July 2019, I had not slept with another guy & I didn’t want to. My sex drive went away. He said it’ll come back. I knew he was right if we started up again.
*** Do you still love me? I asked. He said, like he’d said before, that he loved ‘everyone.’ That was not music to my ears. I told him I still loved him & always would.
*** I again explained to him we were spiritually married – it had happened April 21, 2019 – God showed me the vision. I told him about it when I saw him, the last time we made love July 14, 2019. {So glad I keep all imp events on my calendars! And when he & I made love, that day has red hearts & fireworks.}
The way it happened – we had not seen each other for 7 months. He wrote a song for me ‘Cocaine & Broken Bottles’. I wrote down the lyrics, carried them in my purse {still have them there} & would read them to friends. This told of his repentance & misery, that he’d made mistakes, that he was ‘waiting in the rain – some things never change’ {probably outside my apt when I wasn’t there} & ‘here’s my heart to take’ etc. Of course we re-united & his being sorry & my ACCEPTING him, that’s a FIAT or AGREEMENT, like a contract, & it was ratified by God. I saw two white, soft cloths that united & there was no seam. {Sacrament of Marriage} It became One. And there was a small laurel wreath on it as an emblem – symbol of victory. Finally, the dream after July 10, 2011 came true. It said this was my husband, but it would be ‘A slow boat to China.’ So that’s 8 years.
I told him that in spiritual marriage, we are united FOREVER. Even when we die, we’re still together.
*** The song he wrote about me which led to our Mystical Marriage, was the only time he ever appeared in a public place & performed it, along with some other songs of that time.
*** We spoke of DEATH. I told him that my heart was bad, I also had pain when I walked. I said I could die any day. He said, ‘It’s more likely I’ll die before you.’
We spoke for an hour & a half, it was from 3:44 am to 5:15am.
I’ll Now Channel – Speak to Him Actually, He’s with me, it’s more than mind reading
ME: Nick, there are so many things on my mind it’ll take a week to discuss them all with you. The pieces of the puzzle have fallen together & I understand our dilemma. If you got yourself straightened out, went into rehab, got clean, moved in with me, could you have been happy? And myself also?
HE: Anything could have been. Might not have been perfect but overall yes, we would have been happy. The difficult part was leaving the people of drugs, their mentality, their hold on me. They had me in a vice. I’d been friends with them since kindergarten. Whether they were good or bad, they controlled me. I was afraid of them,
of leaving them, like leaving a religion you’re brainwashed in.
ME: And the person you lived with, did you actually love her in True Love? On Halloween, when she struck the beer from my hand, you came over & told me you loved her. I knew you didn’t – not the way you loved me, but of course it was confusing. When you saw me you’d say,
‘Don’t mess up my deal with her.’
You often pretended you weren’t with her any more, that you were ‘talking’ {code word for fukking} to another girl, this one or that one. I believed you, but it was strange, I was no longer jealous. I knew they meant nothing.
What was ‘the deal?’
HE: She enabled me for drugs, you know that, you’ve known it all along. Because of her I could do drugs regularly where I couldn’t afford them before, that was it.
ME: Was death your way out? How did our last conversation affect you, did it make you lose hope of being with me for sex, therefore, never seeing me again, & you didn’t want to live?
HE: I didn’t care. It’s not like I sat down & said I’m going to kill myself. I didn’t care then if I lived or died, if living was without you, then life would be unbearable. Suddenly I saw, when I lost you, that you were all I lived for – the center of my life, my love. I didn’t love anyone else. But I could not leave these people, so that was it. Between a rock & a hard place, the only way out is to die.
ME: But you could have called again & again, tried to persuade me to see you. Why did you accept it as final? And when you didn’t call after that, I did not call you now that I had your # on my caller return – because I promised God not to chase you. And after you didn’t call for a month, I just waited on God’s will.
HE: I’m a weak guy, I’m not like you. I’m a vagabond, a joker, I float downstream. I’m not strong enough to do like you do, I’m a pushover.
ME: Was there anything I could have done t prevent your death?
HE: If you continued having sex with me, it might have prolonged my death for years, but sooner or later on drugs, I would have OD’d. It wasn’t God’s will that I kept using you like that. You gave me an ultimatum at one point. You said you wanted a relationship, that I had to make up my mind. That I should have sex with all the girls I wanted, & when I’d had enough, decide, choose which one.
Eventually, I chose Ruth-Anne {not her real name}. It was because she was a drug enabler, that suited me fine. You were pushing for rehab, she was pushing just say yes to drugs. So I said yes to her. I made my choice.
After 9 months apart I couldn’t stay away from you & we joined up again & kept going until the Covid thing hit & you couldn’t come downtown, as all the places we hung out were closed – one spot that was open you were blocked– that’s where I used to hang out. You didn’t know where to hang out for us to meet. {I had never given you my phone, I had blocked you on face book!} Then your legs began to hurt badly & you didn’t know what to do, things went South for you, so you never came downtown again. You kept waiting for me to call. I sent you my picture on your cell phone once on Nov 28, 2019 – but you didn’t see it until Jan 2020 because you never used your cell phone. I was SNEAKY & did not put a return address! So I could say I didn’t do it!
ME: That’s one of those things that doesn’t make sense about you. What were you afraid of? And the last time you called I had your #, you did not hide it. Why was that? Why were you no longer afraid of what you had feared before?
HE: I was afraid of everyone & everything, I’m paranoid about being ridiculed or criticized. So I tried to hide our relationship half the time, the other half I couldn’t. Also, for a long time you were obsessed & you would follow me to parties & wait outside all night, or else you wrote all my friends, even my Mom. A lot of people wouldn’t accept you – that’s what I was afraid of.
Why I did not hide my # the last time I called? Because you weren’t pursuing me any more, so I took a chance. And sure enough, you never called back. I had been so long without you, I had become desperate – I needed to be that way to treat you properly – but it was too little too late. I was trapped.
ME: OK, so I was obsessed. I would not have been if you were just nice to me, gave me your number & spoke to me regularly & saw me regularly. But you treated me like shyt because you knew you could. You saw me when it was convenient for you – you did that to other girls, they told me about it. But I was the one you loved, you could have been better to me. How did my being obsessed work for you? And when I stopped being obsessed & stopped chasing you I had many dreams of you being unhappy, just totally wiped out & spaced out.
HE: That I was. When you wee obsessed it gave me security, when you stopped, I was lost. That was my Purgatory, that’s why I don’t need any other Purgatory, I’m in Heaven now with you.
ME: I was so abandoned by you & God forbid me to chase you any more. We made a deal – God & I. I was to stop chasing you, pursuing you. Only when you seemed near suicide, I sent you a message through a friend. When you got the message finally, is when you did call & you wrote about me in several songs. My dreams showed you in despair. I was honestly afraid you’d kill yourself, & in fact, you did.
Should I have agreed to see you in the future? Would that have prevented your OD’ing?
HE: The dye was cast. We spoke on this before. It was not God’s will you keep being the sacrificial lamb for me. We came to the end. Yes, I had to die. There was no way out for me. I would have tortured you again if I got my way, honestly. You would have waited & waited again, your poor mind devastated when I did what I felt like doing. It would have knocked you out of your serenity & ability to finish your books & do your work. I was poison to you, unless I had done what you asked. It could not be my way – my way was a bad road.
ME: OK, got it. Now a bit about the present. You’re dead body wise. You have left Ruth-Anne, all the lowlife’s, the fake friends, those who abused you, the don’t cares, the never cared but I’m sure there’s some good people there, I’m just naming the bad ones.
You have hundreds of people thinking about you, posting on social media, praising you, mourning & grieving, wishing you peace, posting images & videos of you. It’s pandemonium. And these same people did not help you get off drugs, some enabled you to be on them, & it bothered me when you put songs on they either ignored them or put a few likes, but not many. They did not encourage you.
They are talking about you ‘the life of the party,’ how funny you were, how lively, the smiles, lighting up a room, etc., on & on. How is all this affecting you?
HE: Not well, it’s disturbing my peace. These well wishers, most of them did not love me in real life, not true love. They used me for laughs & entertainment, they didn’t care about my pain, they never thought about it. They did not even try to see behind the mask. You know the story of the depressed man?
Zampano was the greatest clown in his country, everyone marveled at him in the circus. A man, extremely depressed, went to a doctor & asked for help. The doc said,
‘Try to relax & be happy. Go see Zampano, the clown.’
And the man said,
“I am Zampano.”
You were the only one who saw behind the mask, that’s why you were worried. You knew that without drugs, I wanted to kill myself. You knew I had been abused, I told you once, so did my brother, but then I denied it later. I didn’t want anyone to know, I was ashamed, afraid, I hid it, I denied it, I clowned around a lot to pretend. And once I got on drugs, that was my downfall, & that’s when I was great entertainment, drunk, marijuana & cocaine – maybe other stuff – & I made everyone laugh. They all loved Nick, the clown, the vagabond, the crazy guy, I made everyone laugh, I was loud, hahah, lol. But you were always aware of the pain inside.
And so now, as you read all these posts it bothers you. And because it bothers you, it troubles me. I want you happy. And also, they are thinking about me so they are sending their low vibes into my Higher Space. It’s like bombarding my classical music radio station with hard Metal Rock or terrible static. This will go on until these clowns forget me. Some are sending grieving vibes to me, it’s negative. It’s disturbing my serenity. They were attached to me, they want me, they are trying to pull me down. I feel like rocks hitting our residence, static hitting our airwaves, hard metal rock interfering with our classical, sublime music.
Where I am with you is peaceful, Heavenly & Godly. They aren’t there, so their attention is assaulting me.
And you can’t help but check the media & it’s bothering you & therefore me, as we are One.
Most of these people will forget me in a month, until then we hang on. Some women will grieve longer, some men, a few people, male & female were infatuated with me. It’s attachment, it’s not spiritual love. So it is not pleasant for me to feel this, & they are NOT helping me in any way, they can’t – they can’t help themselves.
When they say they are praying – most of them are doing words. It’s not in their heart. Their prayers, if any, probably take 30 seconds. The fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much, but the lukewarm prayer of the unrighteous avails nothing. Few of them are giving me any spiritual support, maybe one or two, that’s it. So hang on, Rasa, the stoning will stop in about a month. Most of them will forget & then we will find the Peace they say they want for me.
For IMAGES of my spiritual husband, whose real name is Nicholas Anthony Van Dunk, see the Shiva Shrines ‘Venus, Adonis-Rasa, Jeffry’ & ‘the Holy Grail of Manhood <> Jeffrey Michelangelo’ These shrines exemplify my love for him from day one & give some insights – A most relevant fact is that from the beginning I encouraged him to go into rehab. His ‘friends’ were against me & my advise – These ‘friends’ are all posting on his face book after death, saying how much they loved him. But most of them discouraged him from being with me & taking the guidance I gave. I PREDICTED over & over if he didn’t quit the drugs he would die of an overdose. But sadly, he chose his path & now he is dead - if only his friends helped me with him, this could have been avoided. But they PRESSURED him to leave me & applauded his negative relationships.
Like wolves, they howled for him to stay with the pack. But now their tails should be between their legs. The happy side of this is he has left them, his body is gone. But he is with me spiritually, metaphysically, he is not dead, he is alive with me. We are happy. He loves me, I love him, in True Love. He had to die to leave them, he saw no other way; he did not have the strength to defy the demons for me.
These shrines I had put up about Nick in 2014 & 2015, I removed due to his complaints – as his friends wee razzing hm – & just now I put them back up. He is dead, they can’t harass him any more, he & I are now free to love one another & share our love for eternity. We are happy. I can’t say this to everyone as they are so shallow they will not have the least understanding, some of these people are less than animals – animals are good.
From friend Pete Jackson in response to my complaints about his ‘friends’ who didn’t want me with him, denied he was ever abused & took drugs to mask the pain, denied he was an addict, denied that I could help him personally or career wise, etc:
As for the people that knew him being in such denial (if not outright enablers) about his drug addiction problem and such, that was probably because either a) they were fake friends who literally didn’t care at all if he lived or died, b) they were simply far too selfish and self-centered to do anything about it, or c) they simply didn’t want to believe such a thing was true because the very idea scared the crap out of them, and perhaps they thought they could just wish it all away. The same goes for the denial about Xxxxx abusing him as well.
