12-16-23 Nightmare 2 solution to Bliss

Hard Times with Lover-Happy Now

 

          It starts out so bad I wasn’t planning to record it but it changed to finding a solution & then ends in bliss.

          The beginning was associating with many younger people, getting dressed & going to dances. The dressing is in crowded, no privacy dressing rooms with clothing that’s not so good. Don’t have proper, under wired bras, everything is designed like slips. This slip, pale, under this slip dress, darker, brighter. Not acceptable to my standards.

          At one pint I’m butt naked & walk across the dressing room to show off the weight I’ve lost. I show back, then front. I see I need more muscle. A matron woman is looking, I’m bragging to her I guess.

And off to the side in kind of secret, on an upper level, a bunch of them are drinking strong drinks like vodka or the whiskey with other things, all of this given them by a big man in a grey tank top, somewhat older, he’s responsible, they’re getting smashed.

I wonder if I can even dance with the pain in my legs.

But the next scene is a whopper.

Somehow I’m in a group whose head is a young male. There are 5 of them. He has a loaded gun. We’re in the tiny parking lot of the old Post Office. We’re on a lower level of the lot, there’s a black young male sitting on the upper doing something in his lap in front of the small building. The head male of our group gives me a large loaded gun & tells me,

“Go up there to that guy & tell him to shoot all of us.”

For some reason I comply. I take the gun & talk over to the male up there, look back at the 5 sitting in a row. What I notice is one female who’s so small & has this little head that looks like she’s a child, where hair shoud be is just light-colored fuzz, blending in with her skull, but I know she’s a grown female.

What this is about defies me. I talk to the black guy telling him I have no idea what this is about & I’m NOT going to ask him to shoot them. He says nothing.

In this querulous state the dream ends. My thoughts are how do I end this nightmare? If it’s real, how do I avoid any more trouble? Do I hide the gun under the building so the crazed young male on the bench won’t use it?

It ends like this up in the air.

He was the ‘life of the party’ with the hooligans & addicts, he was one of them, just like them.  He made me suffer

 

Next scene I am again in the area of that P.O. but the building isn’t there, but a huge ditch with overgrown bushes, something red on the bushes, either berries or flowers. A young male who has been to Hell & back is moving toward that ditch, going somewhere. He is at the end of his rope – in despair, & it’s like his life is finished, I can feel it.

But I refuse to give in to the sense of despair & I stand at the edge of the ditch where he’s going & strongly proclaim prayers, saying this more or less,

“I affirm that the Almighty will see you through this, it will all be straightened out & solved, you will get through it, it will have a good ending.”

I don’t actually recall a single word of the affirmation but that’s the spirit of it.

The young male looks up at me & he is strengthened.

 

Next scene is my old black Cadillac DeVille. First, I must check the back seats, where the cushion has come off & there’s black metal there. I fix the grey design thickly padded cushion & put it back. {In real life the seats were red leather.} In the dream the car is longer than real life, like a limo. We’re on the road in front of the Old Post Office as mentioned.

But a young male – is it the same one as before? – gets into the car with me & does something so it starts rolling backward. We’re in the back seat & I’m trying with all my might to stop the car but I am having trouble reaching the brake or turning off the engine.

We’re headed toward the small highway – there could be an accident. But by some good luck we get past the highway & land in the driveway of a house across it.

As we stopped I looked around in the black dirt we’re in & I see coins of all types, many quarters. I tell the young male about it, as I pick them up. He notices & picks up a bunch also. I give him what I collected. He says to keep it but I say no.

The next scene is a big change. Now there is a long walk & I see beautiful bushes with colorless puffs on the ends of the branches, & after walking through them – I know it’s a long path – women gather. The young man is with us also.

This walk turns into something really involved, it goes on at first through bushes & woods but it’ll soon end in wide open spaces with some surprises.

But before that, the young man saw a floristry store nearby & he ran in & got some large yellow roses & runs out.

One female in our company has flaxen hair; he gives her a beautiful rose to put in it. He distributes the other roses to other females in our group {another blonde also} – nothing for me. And it was MY MONEY that I gave him when we collected in that driveway – that enabled him to buy these flowers. But I chalk it up & sacrifice it, no matter.

Our walk continues & eventually becomes so long, & does acquire more females to walk with us – that I wonder if we should make it a weekly gig, where all are invited to VENT THEIR FRUSTRATIONS by walking – this being a marathon, a 5 mile or maybe even a 10 mile hike. Big efforts like this can sometimes bring about HEALING because the work we put into the project summons all our strength, & this is used to combat the negative place where we were.

Yes I can see it – face an ordeal like a huge walk like this dissipates our grief.

As we walk the spaces become way wide open – just as Our Lady of Fatima rural road in the mountains above my house. It goes miles up until a cross road – I walked it many times when my legs were OK. There’s a cow farm on it & we’re walking on cow droppings, mushy, mixed with soft mud. I avoid it at first, see my mates are walking right in it. I had to do the same, as then it turns into a soft mud/dung road, I’m almost up to the knees – can’t get around it. Some of the cow dung was a white liquid – I’ve seen that before as we used to have cows. At first, I hopped over it, but then this.

And so it turns into a possible weekly project which will BENEFIT those who join us. Every week I’m imagining, we’ll walk at least 5, maybe more miles. We start early, make sure we can do it before evening. Do we bring a lunch? – Certainly water. At least 2 quarts each I think. Yes, I’m planning it. Others will join; it will help people get stronger. 

Me age 19 to 40

 

The next dream is rather different. I’m at a military place where there’s an officer who’s been criticized for something, but he moves on anyway, disregarding the talk. I’m there & it’s some sort of a bash. He takes me in his arms to dance & just WALKS ME past all the others through the outdoor party area, past it all into a one-story building affiliated with the place, & last of all, into a bathroom! I take note that he isn’t actually dancing to the music with me, just walking – maybe he doesn’t know how to dance I think.

He’s wearing a work suit, the kind you zip into, one piece, it’s pure white. I’m wearing the same type suit except it’s black & made of a fuzzy material, very short fake fur, also zips up.

In the bathroom he reveals his intentions, to make love. He unzips the proper area, his & mine, & proceeds. There’s a large window to our right & a matron comes by with some girls she’s watching over. She sees us but there’s nothing to see except two people facing one another in full suits, nothing else. She just glanced.

Nevertheless, the feeling of this male wanting me, whisking me away from everyone, & then making love to me was blissful. I have no idea who he could be; it was hard to see his face except that he was thin, face middle age with light brown hair. What impressed me is he got over the criticism & didn’t care – took a chance. The bathroom door he didn’t even lock, it made me a bit nervous if someone should open the door. But it was a tiny bathroom, like 5’ square.   {end}

MEANING:

          *{ME: OK right from the start I need your help Mother God, I haven’t a clue. If this is about Nick again, I wouldn’t be surprised.

MG: Yes it is about him, his despair without you, when he lost you. You kept waiting for him to call, he didn’t have the confidence. He was afraid of rejection.

You saw in vivid dreams in the last two years of his life, when you didn’t see one another; he was beside himself with angst. But he fixed it so you could not contact him & you waited for him to call.

He was living a delusionary life, that you would contact him or show up downtown, but you stopped going downtown & moved out of your apt there. And as we said, you did not have a way of contacting him due to his stubborn, foolish ways, he prevented you from this. He called you ‘obsessed,’ you were – but he also was, which he hid under a false front. You were both equally in love. You GOT OVER IT, that is, the physical addiction, the human desire, while still loving him in the God sense, but he COULD NOT.

What you see is various states of despair on his part. The first scene, he wants to die, have himself shot to death. Why his friends with him? They brought him no comfort, neither did his child, the little person on the bench in the row of people numbering 5. These are those closest to him. Neither himself nor these persons brought him relief from despair.

The only way he kept going was the hard liquor & cocaine, this masked his condition every night after work when he hit the substances. He sang it in his song,

“Cocaine & broken Bottles.’

You showing off ‘losing weight’ being naked is when you GOT OVER the obsession or attachment to him. It was incredibly hard, but you did it to save your life. The love was still there, as you told him when he finally called – but no more obsession. Being fat usually mans ATTACHMENT to the world, habits, addictions & the like. 

Me when we were dating

 

He was COUNTING ON your obsession to do the same as you always did – show up downtown hoping to see him. He lived on hope but this was dashed again & again, & he couldn’t bring himself to do the right thing—contact you – he must have entertained every weekend

“She’ll he here looking for me -we’ll meet & make love.”

He kept living his delusion, with the so-called friends, supporters & enablers, he could have sang,

“Yes, I’m the great Pretender.”

Oh-oh, yes, I’m the great pretender
Pretending that I’m doing well
My need is such, I pretend too much
I’m lonely, but no one can tell

Oh-oh, yes, I’m the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I played the game but to my real shame
You’ve left me to grieve all alone

Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can’t conceal
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Yes, I’m the great pretender
Just laughin’ and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I’m not, you see
I’m wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you’re still around

Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can’t conceal
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Yes, I’m the great pretender
Just laughin’ and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I’m not, you see
I’m wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you’re still around
(Still around)

Him heading toward the ditch when you make some positive affirmations to him was when you wrote him – through Pete – that God had better plans for him, that things would go well {something like that.} You did not put your name, just ‘someone who cares.’

The RED you see in the ditch of GREEN {life} bushes, berries or flowers {hopes of love}, are he’s suffering, but there’s HOPE. He looks at you from the ditch, as you made the prayer, that’s how he felt.

And when he got the letter –neither you nor Pete were friends on his Face book – so it went into an obscure place – when he saw it a couple weeks later he called – finally AFTER TWO YEARS!

Being near the Old Post Office each scene – the gun scene, the ditch scene & car scene, all three say,

“There’s a MESSAGE for you.”

It’s an OLD message, from years ago, so it’s the Old, not the new Post Office.

The Cadillac DeVille which he messes with so it rolls backward, you try to stop it & by sheer luck there’s no accident as it crosses the highway – etc. You discover coins there in the dirt, you give your collection to him.

The Cadillac is like a HEARSE. Again, he’s seeking death. He wrote abut it on his Face Book many times after you were gone,

“Death is calling my name”

and other references.

This shows he was lucky he didn’t die then, there was time left. What do you give him? Some sort of Grace, love, which he uses later.

When you’re on this walk, it begins, he gets yellow flowers, gives this girl one for her flaxen/blonde hair – it’s you – your flesh.

Roses represent love. He gives some to other females as well, that means he was given TIME & he no doubt scored with other females, but you were the main one in his heart. In your HIGHER SELF you were always jealous of the attention he gave your body – lol – & you warned your flesh ‘she’ would die if she continued her obsession. Death can mean many things not only physical, but psychological.

This was probably the time you were absent from him for FIVE MONTHS – he repented & wrote ‘Cocaine & Broken Bottles’ for you. So there was a reprieve from his despair & death wish.

The beginning is the time before you lost contact from 2019 to2022- you don’t like where you were. You hated the distraction from God, your inner self, being a part of the ills of the world, being with those who are lost, unevolved, ignorant & malicious. Yu had contact with all of them & it hurt. You yourself fell into the lower parts of your flesh, feeling the feelings of the lower self. It was dismal.

Pics I took to show his beauty – he said no one had ever told him he was beautiful

 

OK now it all changes & there’s the GREAT WALK. This is when he’s DIED & you go on your TREKS to Purgatory, where he’s helping you. This is part of his Purgatory, the help, because he’s suffering or working with you, feeling your feelings on earth, participating with yu to do the things that helps Souls. Like the other dreams say, he’s paying for Souls we well as you are. This is his Purgatory, but he’s also in your Heaven where your Soul is.

The cow dung you must go through is where the souls are – it’s their darkness or result of sins, it goes with the territory. You can’t avoid it, although at times you do but eventually, you can’t. On this road or through this PORTAL named after Our Holy Mother you walk with who? Angels & Saints.

Perhaps the beginning where he gives the yellow roses– maybe it wasn’t you in your flesh & other women he gave love to. Maybe it’s the Angels & Saints he’s honoring along with you, as you trod this path. It IS the beginning of this road so yes, it could be. And here you take souls from the darkness of bushes & woods to the bright, wide open spaces of Heaven.

 

Now the blissful end, it’s him in his new white suit {pure heart, in a pure place}. He’s gotten over his fear of criticism & reproach because of you he’s free to do as he wishes, & he wishes to be with you & share love, so he does. Why are you in this black fur? Same as his zip up suit but yours is black fur.

The only thing I can think of is you are in the ‘dark night’ or unaware of his love making to you. You become aware only in your dreams, like this.

Who is the matron & girls who don’t see also? That could be the people of the past. In fact, he has evaded & avoided all your former friends – seen as the military party – & here the females like his Mom & all his girl friends. They can’t see Nick making love to Rasa. You are safe. You are private. All is spiritual & unseen, this is the bliss of Heaven & the love you have.

About you hope others will join: You hope to attract others to helping Souls in Purgatory. If they are aware of your doing it, they might want to try as well.}* {end}

12-13-23 Lost Son My Worry-Lover Like a Son

 

          This was extremely frustrating. I have been given a young male, maybe 7-8 yrs old, to watch, by his Mom, who I later see is named ‘Menendez.’

          But a few things happen before this. One, I go to my usual apt {have seen it many times in dreams} which is in a hotel-style place, up the stairs, to the right or left depending which way you came, very private, nice place, more luxurious than usual.

          This time as I go to the door do I have my key? I often forget my key for places. But as I try the door, it isn’t locked & to my astonishment, there are 3 females in my room! The apt has shrunk down so it’s but one room. And due to some austerity program now under way, they have billeted 3 more women in my room! That thrown me way off my stride, but I have to accept it. I was going through my mind what I was going to ask them,

          “Does any of you have a contagious disease?

          Is any of you gay?

          Because then I’d be on my guard.

          The beds are fixed – they added a couple, so each one has her own bed, maybe one is a trundle bed which slides under the other, not sure how it works but we’re all separate.

          So under this unhappy situation I next find I have a boy under my care. But what happened to my cell phone & some other device? Did those females take it or get it lost?

          So I have no way of communicating with the Mom, nor she with me. This is a disaster. She might be trying to call me to see how her son is. And I can’t call her because I don’t have my phone, for some reason, & also, I don’t have her # otherwise nor her address.

          I go through so many changes trying to figure how else to contact her. They boy doesn’t know his address or phone. I look in the phone book but then I say,

          “How many Menendez must there be here”

Him partying & he loved animals a lot

          

 

and I think hundreds. Maybe that’ll be the only way I can find her, start calling down the list.

          Meanwhile THE NOISE. The people around me are playing so much music & it’s nothing but noise to me. I yell at them to stop. – Also constant loud TALKING. All around me is CHAOS & I tell them t shut up – I CAN’T THINK!

          Because I had to think of a way to reach this poor Mm who must be frantic

          At one point I see the boy & myself in an apt, – is it B’klyn? He says,

          “I used to hate it here but now I like it!”

          The only feature that stands out in him in my memory is he has darkness under his eyes, unusual for a kid.

          Another time I’m talking to a man. I’m in the neighborhood where this young male lives. It’s a nasty hood & I say to this man,

          “Would you like your own son to live here?”

          He didn’t mind someone else’s son lived here, but I knew it’d be different with his own son.

          One time the boy & I are in a bedroom, we need to leave to go look for his Mom. When I notice where the bed would be is an indoor pool. I jump in it; it’s maybe refreshing, not sure.

          And what else I don’t know, just monumental worry.

          MEANING:

                     *{I know it’s my Beloved, let’s call him Bob because I’m going to name abusers. Menendez & dark under the eyes tells me who it is & what it’s about. The Menendez brothers killed their own parents, & it was because of abuse & they killed the Mom also my guess is because she knew & let it happen. This was the same with Beloved. And he did have dark under his eyes from an early age which I always noted to be unusual for someone so young.

This dream explains I knew – this is my Highest or Mother God dreaming – that he NEEDED HIS MOTHER.

The frustration of finding her is that she was not a real Mother – I couldn’t contact her as she didn’t EXIST – his physical Mother did not look out for him. And this was the basis of my worry, concern for Beloved the whole time. He needed looking after; he was a ‘lost boy.’ And of course I took care of him & am doing so now as he’s united to me in Spirit – forever.

I complain about the noise, the neighborhood – all the negative factors surrounding him. He didn’t have much of a chance, I was the only factor that could reach & save him spiritually, & I did. The jumping into the indoor pool at one point, ‘taking a bath’ is baptism, which means SUFFERING. Yes, I did.

And him HATING being with me at one point, but now loving it is he hated me hounding him to stop drugs, but now he loves being with me, soul to soul.

The 3 women? Jeez, could have been women mucking up his life & standing between us, confusing the issue. None of them suited him but he messed with them & used them to torture me with jealousy. It was a harrowing experience in many ways, but my love was so strong I could not stop loving him.

What is the NOISE?- Interference with the mind. The opposite of Peace, ‘Silence is golden.’

Who is the man I speak with that doesn’t care as much as I do? Symbol of men not caring – could even be the father who abused him.}*   {end}