WHY MOM HATED DAD

By Rasa Von Werder, February 20th, 2021
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WHY MOM HATED DAD

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2-19-21   ANOTHER FACTOR RE DAD:  HOW MUCH MONEY DID HE CHEAT US OUT OF?

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Disclaimer:  In Lithuania my Dad’s income was probably above average, his status as a Professor & Founder of  the first State Teacher’s College in Lithuania was ‘elite.’  But arriving in America as immigrants, not speaking the language, was a rough road.  He did the same work he did before but as a volunteer.  Money wise he could only get the lowest jobs for lack of language  & age.  I think he was born in 1906, so arriving in America he was 43 but within ten years 53, so at 53 he was considered ‘over the hill.’  He showed me beautiful work he had done as a draftsman, applying to the city for a job in that field, but they turned him down.  In Newark he worked for a Lithuanian food manufacturer but mostly in this hat factory, which he told me was hard.  Later, moving to Brooklyn, New York, he worked as a custodian or janitor for a while before he got his final  job in the U.S. Post Office  {when someone addressed a letter with a destination that was so obscure no one knew what it was they came to him, & he knew.} In the end he retired with the Post Office pension & spent his last years in Spain – with his Puerto Rican wife in a Polish community {he spoke Polish fluently.} 

When Mom deserted him with Marius he continued to help us right up to the time they expelled me from school {to be explained elsewhere} & I had to move in with Dad to finish school.  He then told Mom he would no longer pay the mortgage {$160. a month money then, today is worth $$1,414.}  He let her know when I was on the bus on my way to New York – she flagged down the bus, haha, got on & told the driver to make me get off for family business – the driver said go talk to me – she did & I refused to get off.  {I had no idea she’d try to make me stay for money because she told everyone Dad contributed nothing.}  I will get into some of these ‘asides’ later, just wanted to make a point that Dad was below average in wages. 

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Were I not writing this book, I would never have thought of this – the reason why Mom hated Dad so much.  I could never figure it out, exactly.  I thought it was this or that, like she was tired of him or lost interest, but the hate was so strong nothing made sense.  But now I think I hit the nail on the head – it was money.  And for this reason, the fact that Dad stinted the family out of money, he was also partially responsible for my abuse.  We covered this already but I want to get more into it.  I figured out a way to know how much he cheated us of.

So here goes:  Dad was relatively poor  {he worked in a hat factory at night when we lived on Delancey St. & Van Buren St.} but we always lived decently – we were never hard up for food.  Marius equivalent of $240 a month I’m sure helped – it was when we lived in what to me seemed a ‘posh’ apartment on Van Buren St., next to the public library, in Newark.  This was on the third floor & it had at least 3 bedrooms because I know Marius had his room on the far end, my parents had a room next to that, I had a room that looked right into the child section of the library – they had a huge picture window – {my love of books started there & then, I was 7} which makes 3 bedrooms but where did my brother sleep?  Were there four bedrooms or did he sleep on the living room couch?  

The living room to me was gorgeous & reminded me of the mansion in Waccabuc, because it had a round wall, covered with multi windows.  We even had a parrot in a cage on a pedestal.

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The place had a space on the stairwell of the apt where Mom kept an airtight pantry for food – stuff that should be cold or cool, but there wasn’t enough room in the fridge.  This applied to holidays especially Christmas, as Mom would cook enough {special} food for a week.  I remember that stairwell smelling so great & feeling we were privileged to have it.  I think there was no 4th floor so it was private, just for us.   OK now that I told you all this let me get to the point.

I figure in today’s wages, 2021 minimum wage in most of New York is $12.50 an hour so the wage a week is $500.  Let’s say Dad earned that.  I channeled {mind read} where he told me he could have given TWICE or more what he gave, than what he did.  Then what did he give, what could he have given I asked, & what I got was that he gave – {when we were at the farm, Mom with Marius)  $20. a week or $80. a month when he could have, should have given $40. – 50. a week. 

In today’s money he gave us $194. a week or $776. a month.  That’s for a family of Mom with 4 kids, never mind the boyfriend who we don’t count.  The fourth child was in dispute, so I don’t know how she was factored, legally his however.  OK  now on a minimum wage job he earns in now money $2K a month, so he would have had 1,224. left over FOR HIMSELF.

Look at the disparity: $776. for 5 people {his family} vs $1,224. for ONE PERSON.

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Mom WAS NOT WORKING, but she worked all day doing the ‘homesteading’ – growing food, trying to sell it {didn’t work!}, canning & preserving the food for winter.

Now what were Dad’s expenses.  I know of one because he told me what his rent was.  He lived with a Lithuanian roommate, {I remember him well, good guy, smoked a pipe, listened to shortwave radio a lot trying to get Lithuania!}  It was a two bedroom apt. going for – get this – $30. a month.  Dad paid for half & so he spent $15. a month on rent, not sure how much electric, gas & such cost, but it was not much on an apt. in Williamsburg, B’klyn, on South 2nd St.   Take out $15. for rent – HIS BIGGEST BILL – out of $1,224.  & you have $1,209. for himself for other bills & food.  He did not nor did he ever drive or have a car.

Now you see where in channeling I got from him that he could have sent us a lot more?  OK if he had sent us $40. a month or equivalent of $1,552. he would only have had the equivalent of $328. for himself.  But let’s go halfway, say instead of the bottom line, 20 a month or the top line 40-50 we go with $30. a month.  That would be today $1,167. a month.  That would leave him $833.

Try it from another angle.  You have a family of 6 people, the salary is $2,000.  Each person gets $333. a month.  So now you see how $833. a month for Dad alone should suffice more than enough, whereas we got cheated – if we are STILL HIS FAMILY WHICH WE WERE.  OK, she ‘did him dirty’ in a sense, but we are still his children, the man she is with makes very little money – minimum wage or less – you cannot expect this man to take care of your children, can you?  Because he can’t.  Maybe if he could he would, but he’s also working at one time two jobs plus the homestead, & we’re still in poverty.  THAT’S I NOW SEE THE MAIN REASON MOM HATED MY DAD & BECAUSE I ADORED HIM, THEREFORE HATED ME & USED ME AS HER WHIPPING POST.  She wanted to destroy HIM so I was marked for death.  Let me ask Dad:

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ME:   Dad, do you now see how you were partially responsible for the abuse I suffered?  Why could you not anticipate this?  Why did you not interview me as to why I wanted to kill myself {which I told you again & again.}

DAD:    Could have, should have – I sinned.  I already explained this.  About the money, about why I did not ask you any details, I even used you as a spy, which added to her hate.  I am now in Heaven & I can only say I gave you my brains, my honor, my study habits, my example.  I brought you to the Catholic Church, I gave you a good education with the Lithuanian School, the Catechism, the love of books.  I failed you in some major ways but please remember the good I did.  When we were together, you a child, I was warm, kind, supportive to you.  You learned what love was from me.

ME:   What about when we lived together in B’klyn?  You were not warm, supportive & kind to me then.  You hurt me several times.  Once you had the Lithuanian guys stay overnight with us – you did not even introduce me to them like you were ashamed of me, you did not even tell me they would be staying there.  I was so embarrassed.  Why did you do that?

DAD:   I admit I was not warm & kind as I should have been.  I felt put upon.  I felt sorry for myself.  I was still grieving about your Mom deserting me.  You reminded me of my grief.  And that incident I was mad at you for something but can’t recall what or else I can recall but you can’t pick it up.  Something to do with Lithuanians & their culture, I felt you weren’t respectful enough to it.

ME:   That would have been the time you could have found out about the abuse – I was now with you.  Didn’t you care what had happened to me?  I was a broken child, disheartened, demoralized, couldn’t you see it?  All you cared about was yourself?  Of course, my Lithuanian language was limited, I would not have been able to explain myself to you in proper terms, even if I understood myself what exactly had happened – which I didn’t, I just knew I was persecuted & hurt.

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DAD:   I was out of my element.  I did not know psychology or advanced child care or care giving.  I knew history, I knew mathematics, I new school subjects.  I knew how to teach, speak.  I had my abilities & defects.  Dealing with you I was defected, I did not cope.  You were mostly on your own, & you went on your own, did what you had to do, you had a destiny like no one else had in our family.  You met your destiny.  You needed terrible lessons, your Guru was pain.  You suffered on the Cross, you died, you rose again & met your fate.  Look how God chose you to give the message of Fatima in front of the White House.  It changed the destiny of mankind.  Because of you Gorbachev was elected with Perestroika.  Reagan was elected because of that speech.  And most of all, the half Lithuanian, half Polish Pope from behind the Iron Curtain.  All this led to the fall of Communism including in our country Lithuania, the end of the Cold War, & the threat of nuclear annihilation in a World War III scenario.  You were destined for this.  You were prepared by education &  pain.  You heard me speak again & again to our community about how we must be free of Communism.  You heard about Fatima from the Church, you suffered pain that made you strong.  All this had to happen for you to be chosen.

ME:   You present a compelling argument against my complaints & in your favor.  You reminded me of the big picture.  Yes, I had to suffer, yes I had to have psychological death take me down, yes, I had to rise again – And that many times, over & over I died this way, that way, rising again to do the things God made me do, & still doing them.  Thanks for showing me Dad, your abandonment & neglect of me now doesn’t seem bad, like it was meant to be.  I should thank you, haha.

to be continued

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