By Rasa Von Werder, March 27th, 2021




3-26-21  Why Did You do This to Me God?



I present a puzzle before Mother God.  I know some things to do with mystical theology which are mysterious, I have lived through them all – but this.  This is a new one that makes people scratch their heads, causes more misunderstanding & unbelief than anything I’ve done.  

It brings up questions which for months have danced  in my head with no answers.  Yes, theories came to me but I felt no closure, no certainty – ideas unresolved.  

NO ONE BELIEVES that God told me ‘Quit your celibacy, go out & have fun.’  They attack me, men & women, that either I heard God wrong, God didn’t say it – or the usual chestnut,

“You just wanted to do what you did & said God told you.”

The men mostly say, when they get the nerve {on the internet, identities hidden, on social media}

“You just felt like having sex again.”

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No I didn’t!  Men have crazy, crazed ideas about celibacy.  They think when you stop having sex, you get hornier & hornier as time goes by so at the end of thirty years, I would have been pent up, like a man with ‘sperm backup on the brain,’ ready to go insane with horniness, set on running into the woods & fuck the first tree that comes along, haha.  It isn’t like that at all, it is the OPPOSITE of that.

How many have practiced celibacy {not talking about 3 bag uglies that can’t get it, or so sick & old they don’t think about it, talking about those of reasonable looks & vigor that can get sex, but chose to become celibate}  so they know something about it?  The ones passing judgement are the usual suspects, popping their husband or wife, getting it on the side or here & there, & yet they HAVE AN OPINION.

It’s like those who are not saints, never tried to become one, & yet, they KNOW IN THEIR HEART what a saint is, how a saint does; they would know a saint if they saw one.  The truth is, ‘they wouldn’t know Jesus Christ if he walked up to them & tapped them on the shoulder.’

People have vague & brainwashed ideas.  Those who are ‘religious’ which means brainwashed, think sex is dirty so no saint would ever, under any circumstances, have sex.  If you ever had sex, practice nudity or ‘fornication’ or anything sexual, if you pose nude or take nude images, you are DEFINITELY not a saint!  Case closed.  No human in the adult trade, no prostitute {adult therapist}, no nude model, no pin up queen or king, no whore or slut {sexually active woman}, no gigolo or gigalette, no fornicator, no masturbator, no nothing/no one that has ANYTHING TO DO WITH SEX can be ‘high up’ in the Heavenly registrar of God.  Of course – if they REPENT – everyone has a chance, the religious will give you that.  {And these Pharisees, how many of them follow these beliefs?  They don’t.  Jesus said to them, ‘Whoever has not sinned, cast the first stone’ – & they all crept away.  And the Lord also said, ‘The prostitutes will go into Heaven before you.’}  So much for the phony creeps.

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My point of view is not about becoming a sinner – as I have long given up the belief that sex is sin – It’s a Patriarchal ploy to control women, the double standard proves it.  In Matriarchy sex was not dirty, it was Sacred, the words whore & slut were not coined, women were Goddesses whatever they did, they were in control, they had sex with whom they pleased, as much as they pleased.  They were the Priests, not the men, they governed the family & the world, they controlled finances.  There wasn’t any hypocrisy, therefore, & no POVERTY – the world was one of LOVE.  Jesus said He’d be back when you could not tell the ‘summers from the winters – global warming’ which means HIS SPIRIT OF LOVE will return, that spirit is MATRIARCHAL / Goddess oriented / woman run – Matriarchy.

And so, I am not asking our Dear God why did She make me GO OUT TO SIN – NO, no, no!  I am asking her the following, pictured in this tale:

On the Twilight Zone there’s a story  {‘A Nice Place to Visit} of a cop-killer, criminal, thief, who after a robbery, tries to escape, climbing a wall, he shoots a cop then get a bullet in the head.

He wakes up to the feet of a portly man dressed in white, who escorts him to a fabulous place of luxury where he can have anything he wants.

He wants to gamble, drink, & have the sexiest women on the planet at this beck & call – it is provided.  So he does what he does, fucks his brains out, longs for rest, the women keep bothering him.  It’s tedious, day in day out.  Then he asked ‘fatso’ if he can go out & rob a bank, fatso says yes, he’ll provide it.

Then crime-hog has second thoughts, he begins to muse like what is he doing here?  It’s getting to his head, he feels like he’ll go NUTS if he stays any longer.  He says to ‘fatso,’ like ‘Hey, what did I do to deserve this anyway?  I belong IN THE OTHER PLACE!’  Let me out of here!  But he can’t get out.

Then fatso says to him, ‘What makes you think you’re in Heaven?  THIS IS THE OTHER PLACE!  {Roaring laughter while crime-hog looks perplexed & shocked.}

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OK God, I DID NOT DESERVE THIS, did I?  You took me out of a quasi-Heaven of NO DESIRES, certainly my sex drive was gone, & you got me fueled up, getting dressed up, going downtown every weekend, waiting to hook or get hooked for sex, drinking & driving, raging sex drive now tormenting me – all because I thought THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO, I did nothing but OBEY GOD, & what did it get me?  Torment, lowering my consciousness, loss of intimacy with God, & in the end, multiple anxiety attacks with stomach aches, hiatal hernia attacks, chest spasms & FIVE HEART ATTACKS.

Yes, I lost my INTIMACY WITH GOD – what medium degree I had at the time, {no I wasn’t in absolute perfection as I had been – no one can be ‘at the top’ all the time, like seeing God face to face, but I was in a good state, at peace, no raging desires, no getting drunk, no making a fool of myself with low-minded boys, none of that.}

What happened during those twelve years of trying to ‘have fun’ is I lost the PEARL OF GREAT PRICE.  And what is that?  Everyone who is anyone spiritually knows that the greatest treasure anyone could ever have is the sense of the PRESENCE OF GOD – Intimacy with her.  What does it mean?  It means you sense, hear, feel, taste, see, perceive  the knowledge that God is with you, actually PRESENT.  You hear the STILL, SMALL VOICE of God within, certainly when you channel or when an emergency comes up, God might even interrupt & say something {that is rare, btw, only in emergencies from what I’ve experienced, usually warnings of danger, or answers to mysteries you’re pondering, you hear God give a quick answer.}

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As you immerse into the flesh, the feelings of it, the sense of it, that spiritual sensitivity is darkened, befuddled, silenced even {what St. Thomas Aquinas said, lust causes spiritual blindness} – gets more & more jumbled, confused, overridden or grossed out.  All the saints know that the spirit of the world & flesh is contrary to the spirit of the rarified places – not because the lower things are necessarily sin or evil, it’s that they are of a different sort.  The spiritual world – to be in it – you must distance yourself from the world & the flesh, you must leave it behind, you must rise up to the clouds or climb up the palm tree & watch the barbeque folk below.  You cannot sink down too much, too far, too low, or you lose the high places. Yes, you can remain in the world, but ‘not of it,’ you must continue, {as hard as it is}, to see the world & flesh objectively, not subjectively.

Once I got in the habit & routine of going downtown, looking for dates while drinking in the bars, the Light slipped away.  It happened step by step, lower & lower, until the world was present but God was distant.  And when I fell in love & became obsessed, ALL WAS LOST.  It was so spiritually awful that I know God was no longer FIRST, God was second, because I thought I could not live without this man – that is the greatest DISASTER.  

I knew I was wrong by every spiritual law:  ‘Put first the Kingdom of God, & all shall be added unto you,’ ‘God is a jealous God,’  ‘Put no strange Gods before me’ {which means put nothing before Me/God.}

But I also knew that it was God, whom I love, who told me to do this, & I obeyed, kicking & screaming, saying no twice, & the third time God insisted & I obeyed.  And so, where had God led me into, the no Saint’s land of the shallows & wastes of human sense?  And why?  Why would the Almighty send me down into the depths from herself?  Why would she force me to lose her, & be a fool among fools, a lost sheep among goats?  Why?  There must have been a purpose that I don’t see, that may develop in future.

The only way I was able to come back to God, the INTIMACY – oh, praise the Lord!  Was by absenting myself from the Beloved – staying away, at first, not on purpose, the pandemic blocked my way.  But then, I did not struggle against the odds, I stopped going downtown.  Another reason was a while back I hurt my hip, & now the other leg kicked in so I had two bum legs & walked with a limp & pain – that sure deterred me from prancing around with college kids.

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Month by month the romantic/sexual desire for him went away, & with it sex desire for anyone became a thing of the past – I was FREE AT LAST, & what a wonderful feeling, as I had been enslaved, by the command of God, for twelve years!  The turmoil is gone, the longing, the frustration, confusion, all the bad stuff, I am feeling One with her again, my God – I regained what yogis call ‘NONDUALITY’ – a rare consciousness of God Alone, God & myself, no one else, nothing stands between us.

So now it seems apropos that I might ask God to explain a thing or two, whether She answers I don’t know, let me try.  OK God, can you now give me any answers?  Why did you take me to THE OTHER PLACE?

MOTHER GOD:   I had you re visit a place of darkness, where most people dwell, for your own good, to remind you of what you were saved from.  Then you could all the more rejoice in what you had gained.

ME:   But why?  You think I had forgotten what life was like before?  I don’t get it.

MOTHER GOD:   You will.  There is a second reason.  You had to go to this Hell hole to retrieve a Lost Soul – your Beloved Mate.  In time he will be with you.  Had you not gone down there, he would have been lost spiritually, mentally & physically.

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In future he will be with you & get off the drugs.  It sounds far fetched but I told you the very day you met him,  ‘This is your husband but it will be a slow boat to China.’  {That was July 2011}  That shore is getting closer.

Now had you remained in the Obsessive state the events that are & will take place would have been delayed even more, you have to have quality control in this relationship, you must be in charge, & that means no obsession, you make the rules, you hold out, you call the shots – otherwise his demons would rule & you could not bring him up, he’d continue to pull you down.  So losing the sex drive once again, after having a raging one for a while, all had to be.  Not an easy path, but congratulations for having traversed it & succeeding.

I might add that the lowlife males you met during this time – thieves, drug addicts, delinquents, etc., who you dealt with also gave you needed EXPERIENCE, to deal with the situation.  You cannot be naïve, blind, unaware of what these guys are like, including him, you have to be armed with knowledge, so that is why we permitted you to be with males like K-Hell & Marcel & others, so you could LEARN.  He now will be unable to pull the fast ones on you, as the others already did, you nip it in the bud.

ME:   OK, Mother God, I am getting real tired.  That’s enough for now, thanks a lot for the help, I feel edified.  Glory to you oh Mother God.

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