God Manages my Life

By Rasa Von Werder, June 10th, 2021


Continue Chapter 8  

My First Million   6-9-21



          As I said, I was floundering. Can’t recall exactly how I started selling pictures. I had a lot of fans & through some articles in magazines, where they allowed me to put my mailing address; I got their letters & started a list.


          I also said how I would pay people to take photos of me; I had a lot of them, most of them on chromes or ‘slides.’ Unsatisfied with my stripping career, which was not as busy as I’d liked {I explained all that in detail, how although I made big bucks each week I worked, there weren’t that many jobs, so at the end of the year I didn’t make a lot.}


          Now I did something few women would do {will explain further down}. In fact, I have to brag on myself, that of all the women in the adult trade in America – who I knew about – none of them succeeded in building a mail-order business the way I did. I created a ‘cottage industry’ one of my magazine editors called it. It started small but good.


          There was one – only one place in the entire city of New York, which had a MACHINE that took slides & pushed out PHOTOS. That machine venue stayed open LATE –until like 12AM.


          I would go ON THE SUBWAY, carrying hundreds of slides & hundreds of dollars, & stand at that machine, sometimes for two hours, cranking out those photos, one dollar each. I went late when few people would be there as they interfered with me, I with them –they’d complain to the manager I was there too long & they wanted to jump in.


          How did the men choose which photos they wanted? And believe it or not, they paid $5 each & were GLAD to do it. When I first started, I would tell guys ‘Five bucks a picture’ & they’d send me like twenty dollars or more & I would randomly pick out some. But then it got complicated, as they wanted more & more, & how could I recall which ones they already got?


          So I took the photos & made them into black & white catalogs – they had to pay for the catalogs. The pics were numbered. Now we were organized, they would tell me the name of the catalog & the numbers they wanted, send the money, I went to the machine, cranked out the pictures & vuallah.


          I might add that after a while, the pics had a theme, like ‘Glamour Domination,’ ‘Bun Fetish,’ ‘Leg Fetish,’ ‘Wrestling & Fighting’ ‘Kotex Fetish’ {believe it or not} “Stockings – Garters,’ ‘Mean Women Blues’ ‘Breast Fetish’ – You name it, can’t even recall all the fetishes, we ‘cover a multitude of sins.’


          Some things I did other women wouldn’t do. It wasn’t SAFE to go on subways at night, to this store with the machine, back & forth. You had to walk blocks after dark, alone, & you could be attacked – & I’m not talking the classy ‘East Side’ of New York but the business areas as well as Williamsburg when it was still a ‘slum’. But I did what I had to do. Maybe my three angels were working over time. I have to say, that in TWENTY TWO YEARS in New York City, going on subways & walking streets day & night, I was never once attacked in any way.


          Part 2 of this enterprise is I had videos from the ‘leg & wrestling’ man. I told you about when I worked on 7th avenue a producer hired me to do some videos for $500 a day – no sex involved – & I was amazed that this could MAKE A LIVING. He hired me several times, & I made the stipulation that I should receive a video to sell from each job, & he agreed. That was the beginning of the video business. Now I have images & videos for sale to a mail order fan club. I charged $100 for my first videos & they were selling! {$100 in 1987 is $236 in 2021!} Not saying a lot, just sold a few & it was mostly profit as I had already been paid by the producer. My expense of course is I had to buy the vcr’s, the blank video tapes, & my time & energy. This business was a bonanza right from the start – God gave it to me, not to any other woman. Probably my karma.


{The videos I first sold were for fetish men who were into leg worship & wrestling, they were innocent of sex, well done stuff by an intelligent, lovely man who painted great landscapes in oil & listened to opera & classical music.}


Through making these videos, my co star was a guy who knew all about the fetish-domination scene. He’d been married to two dominatrixes & knew the ropes. He also starred in hundreds of these type videos. We became good friends & he explained it to me. These guys – the producer & the friend named Christopher – were instrumental to my success. You have to do research, have knowledge, information, about the business you’re going into, & this was a big chunk of it.


I new nothing about domination or fetishes, but what I learned could fill a book. I will only give some highlights here to make my point of how I segued out of stripping into business & finally made decent money.

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Principles of Domination


The female domination business is not real domination, it’s mostly men ‘topping from the bottom.’ That means they tell you what they want & you do it. It’s the same ole’ routine as the straight men wanting to get off, but its submissive men wanting to. They write the script, they explain what has to be done, they pay you, and you do it.


Real, true domination would be Matriarchy, when women take over the family & the world, they make the rules, they hold the seats of power, they run the religions, the institutions, the economy, the schools, the fortune 500 companies – everything. This isn’t it. This is SEX FOR PAY. But it isn’t sexual intercourse – that doesn’t happen much in the business – it’s getting off mostly with masturbation for men.


We women have to learn, now, to be the OPPOSITE of what we were taught as girls – from the time of Jane Austen & before up until the 50’s we were taught to allow them to dominate – laugh at their jokes {especially the bad ones}, to act feminine, to build up their ego, etc. But now it’s this:


‘Don’t let him hold his head higher than yours. Don’t let him sit comfortably on furniture, on the floor. Don’t smile & laugh for him, stay neutral or grim. Put him down, criticize him, bully him, spank him, hit him, beat him up, get a dildo & sodomize him, make him worship you, your boots, lick the bottom of your shoes, spit at him, call him dirty names, humiliate him, etc.’


So now I learned, where once I had to be feminine to make money, I now had to be un-feminine for it, a total new role. I adjusted. And I realized, importantly, that the whole feminine shtick was just that. There was no law from God we had to be feminine, submissive or in any way underlings for men – it was men who invented this act. They told us through Patriarchy we had to be this way, it was the right way, & the ENFORCED IT with UNJUST LAWS, taboos, social etiquette, all sorts of punishments if we disobeyed – Much of the punishment based on OSTRACISM or being MARGINALIZED or UNACCEPTABLE in society, so we’d be pushed to the outskirts, couldn’t get a good husband to help us, wouldn’t be good material for jobs, no support, financial or emotional, all that BULL CRAP.

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And now, suddenly, for me, usually feminine like Marilyn Monroe, I am in an UNDERGROUND where I have to be MASCULINE in a sense, for pay. I am now REWARDED to be all the things the mainstream taught NOT TO BE.


What’s funny is that after I got into the business & started producing mega images & videos of domination, for some strange reason, people assumed I was ‘into it.’ They acted as if because I made a living at this, it was my enjoyment or pleasure. It wasn’t. Much of it was ridiculously funny, the laughs I enjoyed. But I never ‘got off’ or had any sort of sexual pleasure from acting out crazy male fantasies & fetishes.


The great thing about the business was the money, the independence, & no one could criticize me, tell me what to do, complain about how I looked or what I did – I was free, I was the boss, I was dominant, & they paid me big money.

Within two years, from 1987 to 1989, I had $200,000 in the bank, {worth $433,062 in 2021} the most money I’d ever had prior to that was 10k, in 1981.


          I named the business the ‘Private Fetish Corps,’ our motto, ‘We Cover a Multitude of Sins.’


          I was uncertain if I should quit stripping in 1987 & made this deal with God: ‘If I earn $1,000 this week, then it will be a sign from you I should quit stripping & work on this.’


          I went each day to the Post Office to count my money. Some of it was in cash, which was great. On the last day, Saturday, I had $940 plus a letter. The letter said,


          “I have $60 for you I will send Monday.”


          That made, exactly, to the penny, $1,000. I called my agent & quit stripping. It was just then he gave me my most lucrative offers, one for $5,000 a week plus expenses at the ‘Millionaire Club’ some place in Canada, & two the most money ever offered from NEW ZEALAND who wanted me for two weeks for 5k & said I didn’t even have to dance – JUST SPEAK! Wow, unbelievable. I still wish I could have gone to New Zealand to see the country, but God had given me the sign, I quit & that was it.


          For ten years, then, I ran the business, it evolved. Everyone I knew in the trade was impressed. Other females had tried mail order & failed. One of them was a famous porn star. Let’s call her Georgia. She invited me to her house to explain what she was doing – but she went bust with mail order & offered me her list.

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          The first thing she did wrong is she hired a female to do most of the desk work & for a good salary. You have to do it all yourself in the beginning until the biz grows. Then she had a partner with whom any profits were shared. She gave me her list. Glancing at it it had about 750 men, but I noticed lots of prisoners. What’s that all about? I said. She said they FELT SORRY FOR THEM. But they don’t have any MONEY I said, this is costing you money to send them materials. So that was the second mistake.


          I took the list home & because I didn’t know if these guys would become customers, I did not yet type them into a mail order list, I had to address each one BY HAND which took lots of time, but I did it. There was scant little return, not sure why. It was NOT A GOOD LIST & that’s why she failed & gave it to me.

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          I had a way of numbering my men. Each time they spent $100 I put an X next to their mailing label – then I’d know if I wanted to do a limited mailing who the best customers were. After all, sending a mailing to 3,000 men as I now had, requires a lot of POSTAGE & a bit of labor. {By now I always had an employee who sent out the list} I discovered that it was worth it to do all the mail first class, – I tried bulk mailing but found it to be tacky. Yes, I saved postage but the men felt what they received was ‘cheap.’ If I wanted first class money, I needed to send first class mail. Custom-made videos were sent on the best tapes enclosed in expensive plastic cases, all materials were packed properly, did not stint on anything.


          I also had a totally honest policy, of course. No kind of argument if someone complained, they got their money back, including if they sent cash. The men were impressed.


On some videos, which were CUSTOM MADE I forgot to say, if the customer DID NOT LIKE the work I REDID IT & I got good results. After I redid his video one guy, who owned a welding business, bought $1,000 worth of videos. His fetish? My hairy crotch, which I called ‘Gorilla Crotch.’ My then fiancé, Saintly Richard Von Werder, was the camera man whenever he could, if it involved just me.


          My videos were incredibly EXPENSIVE. Why? Because you could not get anything like them anywhere & each one was custom made to specific fetishes. The mainstream did not produce such videos, I had cornered this market.


          Again, as I said, no other female went to the lengths {that I know of} which I did. I had my men WRITE ME A SCRIPT. It was their own version of what they wanted, & they had to send a down payment with the script for me to even consider it. I told them ahead of time I would not produce anything that would hurt a creature – & of course where we ‘hurt’ men was all pretending. These were movies, not real life, they were acting & pretending, not reality. We tried to make everything seem real, but it wasn’t. And the videos had no real sex – except for a couple where the actors wanted it that way – I obliged them but they didn’t sell. My customers did not want mainstream sex – it didn’t turn them on, they only wanted fetishes, domination & women being cruel to men.


          Anyway, they’d send me their script, I would say OK, I will produce it, & I did, send me the rest of the money before you get the video – they did. I never had a script I did not produce, if I recall rightly. The ones that seemed antsy or difficult, I played the role myself. For instance, one guy got turned on by a husband & wife having a fight, he chases her into the yard & tried to strangle her – not to death, but it has to look serious. I played that role with an actor, then the guy himself. He had to pay about $500 each time. He did get out of hand when he played the husband, I had to hit him & broke his glasses – my cameraman would have stopped him before he got carried away, which he was starting to do. That’s why I played that role myself, didn’t want any trouble for some poor young lady.


          Another guy wanted nothing but seeing the bottoms of female’s feet. He wanted her to just show herself a few minutes first, walking or dancing around, then she would lie down & I put the camera on the bottoms of her feet. She could sleep, read, anything, just show the bottoms of the feet. Certain feet he loved, others he liked less. I paid the female a dollar a minute. So 60 mins of foot showing got $60 – it was easy work. The guy paid me around $300 for each video, & he got a half dozen of them with different models.


          A lot of my men wanted women wrestling with guys & beating them, one even wanted a female to ‘kill’ a guy by ‘strangling him with her feet’, the more violence we acted, the more the men liked it & bought them, so I would play up how tough, violent & cruel we were to the men & they ate it up.


          I had started the business with just me, the ones I spoke of, & then me dancing. The dancing segued into the domination because where most of my ads were domination-fetish newspapers –– free ads in exchange for your images – can’t beat that. So I gathered something beyond my fan base.


          As I made more money, instead of hiring a cameraman for $100 a day, I decided to buy equipment & do my own filming – it was expensive. Those days a good video camera cost 1k & you had to buy a few vcr’s – I had something like 10 vcr’s at one time, making copies. So I had to learn to film & make copies, a bit of technical know-how helped by my friend, Saint Esquire. He would learn how to run a camera, then taught me. He hooked up my vcr’s {men are better at technology than women} & figured out how to run them. When it was me as the star, he also filmed me. He helped me build my business without asking for anything in return, just friendship. So you see, I had my two best men friends helped me with business.


          Pretty soon I hired other females for variety. I liked being behind the camera more than in front of it. Most of the actresses I got were porn stars, dancers, women from the adult trade. Later I made a lot of tame videos, even without nudity, & I used local amateurs. I produced thousands of photos of the females, & these were sent to magazines free of charge. The magazines would use the pics & give me a free ad – it worked. I was featured a lot in Hustler Erotic Video & the Gent fetish magazine. The business was work but also fun. We had so many laughs.


          Now here is why I made good money. After the initial guy got his custom-made video, I put it for sale to the rest of the guys. I didn’t sell hundreds, but I sold dozens. My videos were average two hours long, & they sold for up to $250 each, believe it or not, & they guys were buying them as they were unusual.

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          One lucrative sale was a store on 42nd St. bought my work wholesale – half price, & they would buy like $10,000 worth at a time. The owner spoke to me by phone & said he made good money with them – men wanted my videos at $250 per video!


          I ran the business for ten years, taking in an average of 100k per year – not profit, but gross sales, but that does come to one million in ten years. That’s the story on that, I’m not giving too many details here, perhaps in another book, but the point I am making is how I became well off by the grace of God. Now speaking of God, let me explain an important point.



The Economy of God – Seeing Her Face to Face



          Prior to starting this business, my life was one of devotion to God, an all-out ‘Put first the Kingdom of God & everything shall be added unto you.’


          I spent much of my time alone even though I was in the adult trade, & my life was primarily, above all things, besides survival, getting closer to God. I would do anything to get closer to God – Go was what I wanted & loved more than anything on earth.


          The path I was on was one of Sainthood. Many people won’t believe this, but I speak the truth, my models were the saints, my behavior was that of the saints, my activities alone were mostly prayer, meditation, Church & spiritual reading. As I said, when I was the Stripper for God, I didn’t work every week but sporadically, & I had plenty of time for devotion. I even went on a binge one time, for 3 ½ years, where I never missed one day of Holy Mass, & one hour after Mass in the Church each time, praying. {This came about because the Holy Virgin appeared to me in a dream & wanted me to receive more Holy Communion.}


          I got many graces & gifts from God – revelations, visions, Gifts of the Holy Spirit – Jesus & Mary appeared to me several times with stupendous blessings. I had the most incredible walk with God, & in 1981 I entered into seclusion. This is a time all saints I studied went through, it was from a year to two or three years, they sequestered themselves for a special time with God. They left the world, people, their family, job, everything, to be alone to what I know now to be the FINAL STEPS in becoming ONE WITH GOD.


          In 1981 I told all my friends & relatives, even my most devoted disciple, to forget me. Don’t call me, write me, visit me, nothing. I have to be alone. I didn’t know why, I just know I had to be. I lived off my savings on about $50 a week.


          I removed the beds from my apt – don’t recall how or why—just recall the beds were gone – I slept on the floor – Mass every morning, then any errands gotten out of the way. I was eager to get back to my 6th floor walkup & be alone with God. I felt her Presence, it was Holy, it was Blissful. I did not speak to people, I entered into another world, another consciousness & alone, I was never less lonely. I communicated with Souls in Purgatory, starting with Errol Flynn, later, many other celebrity & unknown Souls – it was Heaven on earth.

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          Finally, all this culminated in my experience of SEEING GOD FACE TO FACE, not once but twice. I actually left this earth & entered Heaven on Feb. 13, 1982 & again on March 23, 1982. It lasted but moments each time, but was worth the equivalent of a hundred years of ecstasy, it’s impossible to describe accurately & all I can say is superlatives, what God is, what Heaven is. Suffice to say when we enter Heaven or see God as God is, we are there not only with our souls but our bodies. I don’t know what form we are in exactly, but it’s as if you have a physical body because all the senses are working, & what you perceive with your senses is beyond anything on earth – you feel, taste, touch, smell, hear, everything as you do on earth only a thousand times more clearly & sharply, like you just woke up out of a dull dream & became alive, like every pain you ever had is a million miles away & all you can do is love & receive love & it is ECSTASY. The ecstasy is so great that you can only be there a short time, then you must return, as it’s too much to bear.


          When these highlights of my life were over I remained happy with God, still alone, doing all my spiritual routines. I wanted nothing else, I was wishing I did not have to go back to the world. I knew my money would run out at some point, but I wished to delay this as long as possible.


The Interior Divine Stigmata


                    I will not delve into this in great detail because it won’t serve the purpose of this book, I shall make it as brief as possible. If this subject interests you, please view my book “On the Attainment of the Divine Stigmata,’ where I give a day-by-day account of the proceedings.


          Suffice to say, during the year 1981 – 1982 I received the Highest Honors from God & all the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, & even Our Holy Mother appeared to me on a blessed night & infused me with the Evangelical virtues – Poverty, Chastity & Obedience. As I said, I lived in another world. The world as we know it faded away, I walked on a cloud, I lived in Heaven. I felt & heard God every minute. There were deprivations &sacrifices, like fasting, constant prayer, constant spiritual activities. Some of it was hard –like the fasting with no food or water once a week for 24 hours {don’t ever fast without water, just food; it can hurt your health.} But these type sufferings were bittersweet; the Presence of God did not leave me.


          Then I got the bright idea of praying for the Divine Stigmata. I reasoned I had everything else that I knew of. Jesus had appeared to me as Commander-in-Chief one glorious day &gave me some kind of Power. He also gave me three Rings of blue light, visible all night, which represented Faith, Hope & Charity, the Theological Virtues, & also signified our Betrothal or Marriage. I saw it all in visions, Light was visible. The room would disappear & get filled with blue Light, I’d be standing on air during these times.

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          IMO I believed this Grace was so beyond me, if I started praying now {1982 I was37 years old} I might receive it in my 70’s – if such a thing were possible. I believed it to be the highest reach there is, as the greatest Saints I venerated had the stigmata – St. Francis of Assisi, Saint Padre Pio, & the Interior Stigmata {engraving of Christ’s wounds on the heart as St. Gertrude described it} –my mentor St. Gertrude, St. Catherine of Sienna, Saint Teresa of Avila, – Who was I compared to them?


          In fact, one time as I reached the front door of my building, Ole’ Sleufoot appeared & said to me,


          “You think you’re St. Francis of Assisi?”

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          I was stunned & pondered why he appeared & said that. Could it be because I really resembled St. Francis & he was angry?


          Let me add this – Some people think you have to go into the mountains & be a hermit to receive such graces, or some kind of convent or monastery, far away from everyone & everything. You can be in a hermitage & in the mountains mentally in the middle of Brooklyn – I was. Living at 356 South 1st St, between Hooper & Keap, apt 33, was where I lived. The city & people throbbed all around me, but I was not there, not connected; I was in a place with God, for God, from God, in God, nowhere else.


          So determined to move ahead, no knowing whereof I prayed, what exactly it was that I asked for, I opened the books of St. Gertrude the Great & St. Francis & read their prayers for the Stigmata every day. The reason I had no idea what it was is because no saint had ever explained it – believe it or not. So perhaps it behooves me to be the one who having gotten the Grace, explain it properly, which I have already done in my book. I shall briefly review the event.


          So I am praying, not sure how long. Was it three months? At that time God transpired changes in me that were a foreboding of spiritual ‘disaster.’ Something was happening in my Heart & brain. My heart swelled up into giant size, with love, like the Chakra where the heart is, then it would break or smash into pieces. It swelled up again, & again, & again, with powerful sensations, then breaks as many times, but this went on for hours.


          I was in such pain emotionally & mentally I could not respond to people. I went into the street & a man who knew me stopped his car & asked if I needed a ride. I said no, knowing, THAT THIS PAIN I FELT I HAD TO ENDURE – THERE COULD BE NO ALLEVIATION OR THE GRACE WOULD NOT OCCUR.


          I knew on some level the Divine Stigmata was taking place & I learned what it was through experience. Can’t recall if it was this day or the next I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror & knew I had GONE TEMPORARILY INSANE. It’s a pain that’s so great that your mind can’t take it – different from a ‘nervous breakdown,’ – {I had one of those many years later—it’s not supernatural} – This was.

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          After my heart broke for the last time, my brain had been drained, as if there were spark plugs in it & every one of them blew – so that no more energy could be created, I went into a darkness – even my dreams were nightmares of darkness such as I had never experienced – demons in the shape of black girls appeared & pushed me into darkness from which I could not escape, it was terrifying.


          The Divine Stigmata is MARTYRDOM. Your body doesn’t die, in this case but you can no longer utilize the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, which God gave you. It’s well known that God NEVER REPENTS OR TAKES BACK A GIFT. But you can lose the ability to use the gift, through the mechanical or biological demise of your body or instrument.   And that’s what happened.


          Through this martyrdom, this total poverty, I could no longer use any of the God-given Gifts. I did not know that’s what I asked for, but I did. Heaven left me; the Presence of God was no longer felt. I was alone, vulnerable & lonely. Pretty soon I reached out to people. I couldn’t live without them, as I had nothing else; the world came back, the evil, shallow, dingy, dreary world. I called it being back in ‘the shallows & wastes of human sense.’ Oh, what misery! To have been in Heaven on earth, then Heaven is gone, you are on clay feet, you are ordinary, deprived, vulnerable, poor, empty, shallow, miserable, all happiness evaporates. Woe is me! And that is Divine Stigmata!


          I count the date officially as Oct 9, 1982, when it started. And was it just a few days of this mess? Now hear me, & hear me well. This Grace cost me plenty sorrow, it lasted EIGHTEEN YEARS. I did not come out of this forsaken state – some call it ‘Dark Night of the Soul,’ until the year 2000. It was 1982 to 2000 – I could not communicate with God or pray with consolation – my only thing left was FAITH.


          There is a definite reason why I bring up this Grace now, right after explaining my involvement in the business ventures.


          It’s about God’s economy & management of my life – giving me all the things I prayed for, the things Jesus promised me, the things I karmically earned.


          Had I been in the state first described – Heaven on earth – I could not have run this business. The business world, in general is gross. To be in the specific business I was in is even grosser. These two worlds are in conflict, they cannot coincide. There are few saints or mystics who ever owned businesses or were tycoons in a successful way, while at the same time, enjoying the benefits of the Presence of God. One consciousness closes the other, they are not able to coincide.


          And so God ordered it this way, that during my Dark Night of the Soul, I could manage to get into this work, be good at it, make money, & while I could not enjoy the precincts of God, I gave great donations to charity, I took out of the gross income from 8 to 10% & got Masses for the Souls in Purgatory {my favorite charity, besides helping animals.}

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          This time I was not studying St. Thomas Aquinas but the Apostle of Prosperity, Catherine Ponder, & having read her books, sent her almost 4k for her efforts. She taught me a lot that I still practice today – how to pray in a way to draw prosperity & succeed at whatever you do. It was new stuff & she’s the best teacher.


          During this time also another promise from Jesus Christ was fulfilled. God’s economy is what I’m underlining here. In Jan 1978 Jesus appeared to me with Great Gifts {it was at the Playboy Club explained in my book one of ‘I Strip for God’} He said to me to ask for three gifts He would fulfill in honor of our betrothal. I mentioned spiritual ones & He said,


          “Ask for things of the earth, what you experience here.”


          So the first & obvious things that came into my head – I didn’t know what else to say, was,


          “I want to be a millionaire, a movie star & to have spiritual relationships with men.”


          Now understand, the millionaire & movie star requests were answered at least in part, through this business. They were movies, weren’t they? I had done movies before, but now there were hundreds. And I earned a million dollars in gross sales in ten years. But on top of that, with the first 200k I saved, God inspired me to go to the right area to buy property, which She said, ‘Go – see it – you will be rich.’ And thirty years later, they declared GAS & OIL under my property, & I had a good amount, there would be BIG MONEY some day, the gas first, then the oil pulled out, could factor in the millions over the years.


          And so God fulfilled her promise, in the name of Jesus Christ, that request I made through this business & this property, acquired during my Dark Night of the Soul when I could not enjoy God & Heaven – God used this time for my profit.


          My third request, to have spiritual relations with men, occurred during my ministry to the Holy Souls in Purgatory. Most of the souls I help are men. And it is the most gratifying ministry I’ve ever had. {End Chapter 8}


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