ABUSE MADE ME STRONG

By Rasa Von Werder, February 25th, 2021
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ABUSE – OUR DOG & GOAT – I SACRIFICE FOR MOM

2-24-21   Continue Chapter 8 – HOW ABUSE MADE ME STRONG

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Abuse is like weight lifting or body building – RESISTANCE training.

“Resist the devil, & he will flee.”

They PUT YOU DOWN, & you have to figure the psychology of why you’re NOT A LOW LIFE.

They DISCOURAGE you – you have to ENCOURAGE YOURSELF.

They INSULT you – you have to LEARN TO LAUGH, look at THEM as idiots.

They BULLY you – You have to learn to WALK AWAY if you can’t physically, then mentally.

You must learn to RESIST NEGATIVITY, resist the demons attacking you, the psychopaths & sinners, the wrong doers, even the innocents who are IGNORANT & say with Jesus,

‘Mother, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

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To rise above evil, I was a lucky person to have had Catechism – which I took to heart.  I learned of the one Person that taught me all I needed – Jesus Christ, & then his saints.

Without this  background, knowledge or training, it could be difficult  to manage life. We need to be stoic, patient & brave.  Indeed, indigenous people don’t know about Jesus or the bible, but they get training like ‘warrior training’ {just saw a video on You Tube from Hazen Audel – Primal Survivor – with a tribe in Africa – he had to become a ‘blood warrior’ – live mostly off blood & milk from cows,  not show any kind of pain when attacked by bees or fire ants, etc.} & people hand down their wisdom to each generation – it isn’t a blank page.  Enduring hardship is the main thing.

However, some people don’t stand up to suffering – instead of getting stronger, they let the pain destroy them, or they take it out on others.

If you look at crime shows you see criminals who torture & kill – not those who kill for money – they are hard hearted & have no feelings – but those who enjoy the suffering of others – sadists – & torture them before they murder them.  I will ask Mother God to explain it in her words.

ME:   Explain how bullies, criminals & torturers work.  Do they feel relief from their own pain by the sufferings of others?

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MOTHER GOD:   It’s called projection.  They put on the other person their own pain, what they feel inside, thereby relieving themselves or emptying themselves of it for a while.  Like dumping onto the poor scapegoat all their sins, then pushing him off the cliff.

ME:   But they do what they do again & again, & so, their own pain/sickness comes back.  Why doesn’t it leave them the one time?

MOTHER GOD:   It’s a malady, it’s in their unconscious, it comes back to memory & feelings, then they have to dump it again & again.

ME:   What is the difference between that & the hard hearted, who kill for money or advantage?  I saw the account of the woman who killed her husband with morphine.  She tried to kill her grown son by fire, after drugging him, but it didn’t work.  Finally she drugged him with a heavy tranquillizer, put a ligature around his neck & strangled him.  Then she took an electric saw, cut him into pieces, put him into garbage bags & threw his parts along the highway.  

There are countless stories of men or women killing spouses for money, insurance or property, sometimes not even that much, like one case, 16K, a woman poisoned her husband for that amount.  I saw a case where an American military man in the Philippines got his wife killed for $100. 

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How do you explain the psychology there?

MOTHER GOD:   That’s a different type of thing that I called hard hearted.  They don’t care about other people, only their own selfish pleasure or needs – the needs of the flesh.  They don’t care if the person lives or dies, they just want the money.  Many people are like that, fortunately, not all of them kill for it, some don’t have the guts, some just too scared to get caught.  But they exploit people & don’t give a damn about them.

ME:   OK now let me ask this.  If my evil bro received what I did, how would he have fared?  That is to say, if he loved Dad, disobeyed Mom in this respect, & Mom & the others in the family tortured him the way they did me, what would happen?

MOTHER GOD:    He was so weak that even being a spoiled brat, he became an alcoholic bad enough to go to AA.  No one abused him.  He was given room & board to get through college, then later, he failed at business or finding a wife, Mom provided him with both.  Again he did not prosper, he left his family in debt when he died.  Had he been abused like you were, he would have killed himself -  destroyed himself with drugs.  He would have been an addict & died of an overdose.

You’re wondering why his Catholic education would not have sustained him.  Because he didn’t take it to heart, he was lukewarm.  He didn’t sacrifice or pray, he didn’t practice the things a holy soul would.  He went to Church & Communion from time to time, that was it – nothing else. 

ME:   And my female cousin?  If we all ganged up & abused her?

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MOTHER GOD:   She would not have gone to college, just stayed in ordinary work rather than professional.  She would not have won successful men, the confidence wouldn’t be there, she would not have sat on a ‘high horse.’  Her position in life would have been ordinary, like hairdresser or secretary or waitress, nothing to brag about.

ME:   Then it was appropriate for me to get the abuse, not them, as it benefitted me, would not have benefitted them.  My cousin did a lot of good by being in the position she was in, she helped many including me.  Had she been poor she couldn’t have helped anyone.  {end channeling}

OK let me just add here, for those who’ve suffered real abuse, here are some symptoms- they are mental, emotional & physical:   PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Many times as an adult fear would suddenly come over me, for no reason, & I would check all the windows & doors to make sure they we locked.

When still young, in my twenties, I might be in public talking to people & something  stressful would happen, & I’d cry.  Small stresses brought back the PTSD.  This went on until I was about 30.

I  had HEADACHES every day – I think it was repressed ANGER,  & severe bouts of DEPRESSION which could also be repressed anger.  If I wasn’t smiling people would ask what’s wrong?  I’d say ‘nothing’ & they said ‘you look so sad!’  I had surgery on my face at age 33 to take away that depressed look – it wasn’t good for me or my show business.

I also – to this day – have a stuffed up nose, 24/7, & I suspect this is the repressed need to cry.  It started long ago, somehow have not been able to get rid of it although I don’t get depressed any more.  When I entered into a state the Yogis call ‘nonduality’  all my depression & anxiety went away – that was 2007.

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I have the tendency or temptation to put myself down in words & deeds.  Sometimes I come across so nice, so humble, that people say ‘there is such a thing as being too nice,’ & they also mistake kindness for weakness {& treat you like shit}. 

 They took away all my confidence AS A WOMAN.  I did not have good luck with the men I loved – I would suffer ANXIETY SO BADLY I’d always make a fool of myself, look like a drooling, anxious, man-chasing idiot.  This brought contempt & ill treatment from guys I loved.  I was reliving the abandonment of Dad, the feeling of rejection & fear of it – as soon as I loved a man I chased him so hard he ran harder.  Anxiety destroyed my love life.  James Brown ended because of it.

It gets COMPLICATED.   With men I’m NOT in love with, I do have confidence.  Most of my confidence is in my relationship with God, where I’m ANOINTED or empowered by her.  She gave me GIFTS.  These God Powers work.  But down in my flesh is another story.  There, as a woman, I still feel the way family made me feel – I have no RIGHTS, I cannot receive, only give.  I must be exploited, it’s all I’m good for.  It’s hard for me to explain & makes me uncomfortable to try.

With my family I could not escape.  That is the problem for children.  Who do they turn to, in a nuclear family?  Who could I?  I woke up every morning with HATE facing me.  Not one family member in the house showed me respect or love.  It was unbearable.  But God did this:

THE NIGHTS I SWAM IN GOD’S LIGHT

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God did something so I would not fall into despair or  hopelessness.  Sometimes when I went to sleep I’d leave my body & appear in a bath of light.  I was floating within pastel light, feeling bliss, the light & I were one, like I had no body.  I couldn’t explain it & told no one – I had no one to confide in anyway.  I will ask Mother God, how would you explain this light?

MOTHER GOD:  This was a prelude to the Sahasrara – the God Self & Heaven.  You weren’t ready to be there permanently, but God let you visit for relief from pain.

MEDUSA LEARNS TO DRIVE

That’s another thing Medusa had to do to empower herself & become successful – learn to drive.  Her instructor, Marius Bernotas.

Now we’re all in the car with her driving, Marius at her side instructing her.  We’re almost to our driveway, which is a left turn.  Marius says,

“Turn left here,”

And she turns left, INTO THE DAMP WHEAT FIELD, the worse part of which is there is an 8′ deep hole there that Marius dug for our garbage – & were we now going to fall into it?  Luckily no.  Smart move.

Once she got the hang of it she was all over the place.

MOM DECIDES TO BREED DOGS

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Like many country people desperate for money, Mom decides to be a purebred dog breeder.  She acquires a beautiful Irish Setter – more opportunity to abuse someone.

When poor ‘Dina’ is in heat Mom has her imprisoned either in the corn crib or a shed we once kept 2 pigs.  She’s not allowed to come out for two weeks, not even for walks! Of course I visit her, feed her, console her.  She cries & whimpers but I can’t let her out.

Why was this beautiful dog not allowed in the house?  I have no idea, it was Medusa’s policy.  I mean, the farmhouse was a shack, the dog would not or could not degrade it any lower , but you couldn’t tell Mom anything.

She takes me with her as she carts Dina far away, to a ritzy part of Pennsylvania, to a breeder, who she pays $100.  This charlatan puts Dina into a cage with her champion Irish Setter male, Mom & I go away for a research trip to  ‘Longwood Gardens,’ we return in the hope Dina has been bred.  All I saw was her cowering in a corner of the cage, where she must have stayed for the hours of our absence.

Dina never got pregnant, there a hundred bucks we could have used for food.  Mom did not fulfill her puppy mill ambitions.  Luckily, a year or so later, Aunt & Uncle found Dina a home near them in North Salem.

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The same with our goat.  After freezing in the shed alone all winter someone took her to a goat herd – ‘Frisky Flora’ was her name.  I shall never forget the day she was shaking badly in that shed from cold.  Mom wasn’t home – I brought her into the house with bro – within seconds she was on top of the TV!  We had to return her to that shed where she had a little stall with no straw, a big window next to the stall, about 15 degrees outside.  No animal was safe in our ‘house of pain.’

A GIFT FOR MOM

In discussions of the past with some family members, I was accused of ‘not getting along’ with Mom {ha ha ho ho} & some clowns now & again think because I describe / explain what happened I am full of negative feelings toward her.  These are lies.  I always loved her.  I hated what she did to me during the abuse,  I was angry at the abuse, but I always loved her in God’s love & before she died I said to God,

“Don’t let her go to Hell, I will PAY FOR HER SINS.”

Is that revenge & hate?

Let me give an example of my love when I was 7 years old – we were living on Delancey St.  I recall now she was sick & occupied a bed in the living room {aha, that must be where bro slept!} & she’d been ill for days.

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By my school, called Wilson Ave. School, there was a small store where we bought candy.  One day I saw a cross in a see-through box & asked the proprietor about it.  He proudly showed me that if I put my eye close to the glass in the middle {it was but a half inch or so across} you could see the entire Lord’s prayer written!  It seemed like magic,  wow, was I impressed – this would be a good gift for Mom being ill.  I asked how much, & he said,

$1.05  {$10.35 today’s money.  This was 1952}

How could I afford it?  I got 35 cents {$3.45 today}  lunch money each day, if I kept it for this cross, in 3 days she could have it, so that’s what I did.

How eager I was to bring it to her sitting up on the bed, & showing her the cross with the Lord’s prayer inside it!  She seemed to like it.  So I was happy………………………

to be continued

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