Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Creepiest Club Owner & Ostracism



Creepiest Club Owner  -  Ostracism  -  Priests & Nuns    6-13-21


          It was toward the end of my dancing career of 21 years – Six years as a go go dancer in Southern California, then 15 years from Coast to Coast & the last few years, mostly Canada, my last job when I bowed out was 1987 {was still in great demand, got the highest offers I’d ever gotten.} It was 1984 when I met the creepiest club owner I’d ever met, & it was a strange occurrence, as when I got into town for some reason I said,


          “I will never live in a place like this”


          Can’t recall why my aversion. It’s an ordinary small city. Maybe because it is ordinary & I lived in the hot spots of California {Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, Beverly Hills & Hollywood} & then New York City {not hot where I lived in Williamsburg but I visited the best places in New York – dated men who took me to the Waldorf, the Plaza, 5th Avenue eateries, & posh spots on the East Side; I used to go to the Metropolitan Opera House {was in love with Franco Corelli, – a handsome man who sold tickets at the box office said I was too beautiful to pay, gave me a free pass for myself with guests for the season!} often as well as concerts & Broadway Shows.} One of my boyfriends had a pad on Sutton Place with his own elevator – Dr. Robert Atkins the diet doctor, a steady lived in Forest Hills & I spent much time there. {Not doing sex, I was celibate} Yes, I was comfortable with high brows or low brows, my life made me versatile & open minded with all.


          And in 1989, I end up moving there, by the Grace of God, with a splendid property. God especially designated it for me – it was everything I ever dreamed of & it became my own private hermitage where I spent like 22 years celibate {30 years counting Brooklyn} & 10 years as a cougar!


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The Nuns Who Turn Down my Application



          The second strange occurrence was that I went to a convent {in that area} three nuns ran – they call it a ‘monastery’ – I went to visit them, they were looking for a new member, I wrote them later to apply – they turned me down. I had forgot about the nuns & their monastery until I had settled in to my new place. Then someone mentioned them & it rang a bell. I was told ‘these nuns produce their own wine,’ & I went there again. Sadly, by now they had found out I was a stripteaser & so, in their eyes I was not a good person, I got the cold shoulder.


          Back to Mr. Creepy. I had negotiated with him over the phone, & he was one of those types that would browbeat & bamboozle you & impossible to get a good deal. We argued & argued & I had to give in as he wouldn’t budge, my salary then was between $1,500 to $2,500 in America & $2,500 to $3k in Canada {US dollars, paid by the day in my contract as I’d been ripped off by owners at the end of the week!} but he’d only agree to $1,200.


I Call the Police on Creepy


          I was a blockbuster attraction when the local paper did a front-page story on me as the ‘Stripper for God.’ It was standing room only, & he charged $5 to get in. At the end of the week I knew he’d ripped me off & told him I was not going to do the second week. He went crazy. We were in the office, he started shouting & throwing things & pushing furniture about, I was so spooked out I ran out the door.


          My motel was across the street. I was afraid to go back to his place to pick up my costumes, so I called the police & persuaded them to go with me. One nice highway patrol man was my escort.

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          But then Creepy, who knew he’d make big bucks with me the second week, sent his sainted wife. She said that her husband was all bluff & noise, he wouldn’t lay a hand on me, & she promised he wouldn’t come near me again; she herself would be there every night to protect me. Reluctantly, I stayed.


          I had a co-star & an mc, both of whom were black. I asked them what they were paid – so I wasn’t the only one being cheated. It was $150 a week, believe it or not. I augmented their salaries with $100 each & brought the man food as he said he was starving every night – there were no eateries around. Someone drove me to a grocery store where I loaded up on non perishable snacks for myself & the co workers, boxes of crackers, sardines, munchies.


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          How & Why I Met the Nuns


There’s a good anecdote regarding the nuns – how & why I met them. {Through a Professor at a Catholic University I shall explain.}


          During the year 1981 I was in total seclusion for the sake of God, to find Oneness with her, & I did become ONE. I entered Heaven, I saw her Face to Face.


          During this time I wanted to discuss Mystical Theology with those who were learned. I wished to speak of nothing but God, & my knowledge of her was exalted & mystical – it wasn’t a subject for regular folk. So I started to call Catholic & Episcopalian Universities & places of learning, & spoke to educators & priests. I clearly recall three people I spoke to, one a priest, one an Episcopalian minister, & three a Professor at a top Catholic University.

The Priest spoke to me briefly, then excused himself as he had a class – did not seem interested in another conversation. The Episcopal minister was lovely & we spoke of ‘Imitation of Christ’ by Thomas A Kempis – but he insisted for further conversations we had to meet in person. This made me suspicious that he might see me as ‘sex object’ so that ended it for me.


A Top Catholic Professor Becomes my Best Friend



          The third person I made a big score with. He became my best friend {I had no other friends, told everyone not to contact me} for three years. We spoke on the phone several times, he quizzed me to see if I really knew my spirituality, & I passed. Let me see if I recall his test. It was about St. Francis of Assisi, his vision of Christ Crucified. He asked me what it meant. I meditated a short time & called him back with this, {I speak approximately, this is a memory of 40 years ago}


          “The Cross showed him how it feels to be helpless. The feet are nailed, so the person cannot go anywhere. The hands are nailed, so they cannot do anything. They are utterly at the mercy of fate, they can relay on no one but God, they have nothing but God.”


          He seemed mightily surprised that my insight was that good. We became phone friends, & spoke & prayed together every week. He invited me for lunch at his University – & yes, he seemed surprised that I was so attractive, although I dressed down. It took me 2 ½ hours by subway to Fordham University – he was important there. He also taught at Columbia.

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          And so, our friendship was mostly phone but we met like three times for lunch at the school or ordinary places.

He said I had a greater ability to pray than anyone he had met. And once, he was in a stressful state & called me especially for prayer – & said it healed him.


          And so, eventually I had to leave my place of seclusion & go back to work. How I loathed that! Being back in the world was a gross vibration, speaking to people who are not with God is a great penance, the world is filled with those who are not saints & never will be, don’t want to be. Most humans are lower than animals – animals are nice. The saints all said the majority of humans go to hell! Therefore, most humans we deal with are spiritually dead, living zombies, alive in flesh, dead in spirit, dangerous energies. And we have to feel these energies – this is not fun. So sadly, I am back in the world.


          After a while, I was booked with the Creepy man who owned this place in the ordinary city. I told my Saint Professor that I gave LECTURES on spirituality – that I would be booked here & there, & he believed me. It wasn’t a total lie, as I did give sermons before I danced. But I knew to tell him I was a stripteaser might end our friendship – people in ‘respectable professions’ & that includes priests, don’t want the public to know they’re friends with us. Even if we don’t commit what is perceived as ‘sin’ people don’t give the benefit of the doubt & razz or tease the respectable person, or even judge & condemn them of being guilty.


{Recently I met a saintly priest – definitely saintly because I saw blue light when he prayed for me – he brought Holy Communion to me in the hospital. He’s a Hindu, I’ll call him Father Karing – I love him & gave him $100 each time he brought Communion. We were supposed to meet near my house when he came to this area. But then, there was a Reality TV show interviewing me – they wanted to speak with folks who knew me, to be on the show. I asked him if he could talk on Skype with them. He told me our friendship has to remain PRIVATE & he never called again.}


I shall channel a friend of mine in Heaven, Saint Padre Pio, about this subject. Holy Father, it hurts to be ostracized. How do you explain God putting me in this profession where I would be shunned, no matter what I do? I always think things will be different when people get to know me; they never are. Just now in the last year I became friends with two women who own shops in a nearby mall. At first, the one was nice. I dreaded to tell her or anyone about me – who I was. Eventually I did, & sure enough, she turned cold on me – especially when I showed her a couple of my books which contain nudity.


The same thing happened with my present hairdresser. We were good buddies for two years. Then she got a second employee in the shop, & business increased, there were often a couple women besides me in the shop where formerly we were alone & we both gossiped about everything. One day, I was talking about sex & child abuse, & a female was there whose daughter was there – her daughter is 15 & looked like 18 or more, I hardly paid attention. But this lady called up my hairdresser & complained that I was talking about adult subjects in front of her child, & my hairdresser got upset–not wanting me in her shop. That really hurt because the two of us were close & she told me her secrets & I told her mine – things we don’t tell too many people. But now I’m shunned. And refer also to the previous rebuffs I mentioned.


          PADRE PIO {Channeling him or reading his mind}:   “My daughter, do not fret about what people do to you on earth, think of your rewards in Heaven. Of course they can’t understand you, as they are brainwashed, frightened sheep. You were abused badly in your early life, but did not God compensate you later? Everything they deprived you of – love, money, resources, were given you abundantly later on. Just so, God will reward you in Heaven, if not on earth, for being misunderstood, ostracized & shunned.

This business you are in, God needed you there to set an example, to liberate others in your position. You must be strong, you have been, you proved a woman in this arena can be a great woman & save souls. Not everyone believes, but many do & many more will after you’re dead & your story is told. Right now people are hysterical about nudity & sex because the patriarchs made them so, but over the years, Patriarchy will crumble & Matriarchy will flourish, & then your example will shine. People will call you an icon of what was to come, & tearing down the walls of prejudice against women & sex. There has to be suffering in a mission like yours, you have to be strong to do it, & you must expect that you push the buttons of hysteria by being in the adult trade. More than anything, they are frightened of being criticized or shunned themselves, so they get rid of you to avoid that.

          Be patient, be brave, let God comfort you if people won’t – your rewards in Heaven are great.”


          ME: Thank you Padre Pio.


The Priest of Prostitutes


          Now we’re on the subject, I must cite one exception, Fr DePaul Genska, the ‘Priest of Prostitutes.’

          {To be continued}

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Core Tenets, Uncategorized

God Manages my Life


Continue Chapter 8  

My First Million   6-9-21



          As I said, I was floundering. Can’t recall exactly how I started selling pictures. I had a lot of fans & through some articles in magazines, where they allowed me to put my mailing address; I got their letters & started a list.


          I also said how I would pay people to take photos of me; I had a lot of them, most of them on chromes or ‘slides.’ Unsatisfied with my stripping career, which was not as busy as I’d liked {I explained all that in detail, how although I made big bucks each week I worked, there weren’t that many jobs, so at the end of the year I didn’t make a lot.}


          Now I did something few women would do {will explain further down}. In fact, I have to brag on myself, that of all the women in the adult trade in America – who I knew about – none of them succeeded in building a mail-order business the way I did. I created a ‘cottage industry’ one of my magazine editors called it. It started small but good.


          There was one – only one place in the entire city of New York, which had a MACHINE that took slides & pushed out PHOTOS. That machine venue stayed open LATE –until like 12AM.


          I would go ON THE SUBWAY, carrying hundreds of slides & hundreds of dollars, & stand at that machine, sometimes for two hours, cranking out those photos, one dollar each. I went late when few people would be there as they interfered with me, I with them –they’d complain to the manager I was there too long & they wanted to jump in.


          How did the men choose which photos they wanted? And believe it or not, they paid $5 each & were GLAD to do it. When I first started, I would tell guys ‘Five bucks a picture’ & they’d send me like twenty dollars or more & I would randomly pick out some. But then it got complicated, as they wanted more & more, & how could I recall which ones they already got?


          So I took the photos & made them into black & white catalogs – they had to pay for the catalogs. The pics were numbered. Now we were organized, they would tell me the name of the catalog & the numbers they wanted, send the money, I went to the machine, cranked out the pictures & vuallah.


          I might add that after a while, the pics had a theme, like ‘Glamour Domination,’ ‘Bun Fetish,’ ‘Leg Fetish,’ ‘Wrestling & Fighting’ ‘Kotex Fetish’ {believe it or not} “Stockings – Garters,’ ‘Mean Women Blues’ ‘Breast Fetish’ – You name it, can’t even recall all the fetishes, we ‘cover a multitude of sins.’


          Some things I did other women wouldn’t do. It wasn’t SAFE to go on subways at night, to this store with the machine, back & forth. You had to walk blocks after dark, alone, & you could be attacked – & I’m not talking the classy ‘East Side’ of New York but the business areas as well as Williamsburg when it was still a ‘slum’. But I did what I had to do. Maybe my three angels were working over time. I have to say, that in TWENTY TWO YEARS in New York City, going on subways & walking streets day & night, I was never once attacked in any way.


          Part 2 of this enterprise is I had videos from the ‘leg & wrestling’ man. I told you about when I worked on 7th avenue a producer hired me to do some videos for $500 a day – no sex involved – & I was amazed that this could MAKE A LIVING. He hired me several times, & I made the stipulation that I should receive a video to sell from each job, & he agreed. That was the beginning of the video business. Now I have images & videos for sale to a mail order fan club. I charged $100 for my first videos & they were selling! {$100 in 1987 is $236 in 2021!} Not saying a lot, just sold a few & it was mostly profit as I had already been paid by the producer. My expense of course is I had to buy the vcr’s, the blank video tapes, & my time & energy. This business was a bonanza right from the start – God gave it to me, not to any other woman. Probably my karma.


{The videos I first sold were for fetish men who were into leg worship & wrestling, they were innocent of sex, well done stuff by an intelligent, lovely man who painted great landscapes in oil & listened to opera & classical music.}


Through making these videos, my co star was a guy who knew all about the fetish-domination scene. He’d been married to two dominatrixes & knew the ropes. He also starred in hundreds of these type videos. We became good friends & he explained it to me. These guys – the producer & the friend named Christopher – were instrumental to my success. You have to do research, have knowledge, information, about the business you’re going into, & this was a big chunk of it.


I new nothing about domination or fetishes, but what I learned could fill a book. I will only give some highlights here to make my point of how I segued out of stripping into business & finally made decent money.

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Principles of Domination


The female domination business is not real domination, it’s mostly men ‘topping from the bottom.’ That means they tell you what they want & you do it. It’s the same ole’ routine as the straight men wanting to get off, but its submissive men wanting to. They write the script, they explain what has to be done, they pay you, and you do it.


Real, true domination would be Matriarchy, when women take over the family & the world, they make the rules, they hold the seats of power, they run the religions, the institutions, the economy, the schools, the fortune 500 companies – everything. This isn’t it. This is SEX FOR PAY. But it isn’t sexual intercourse – that doesn’t happen much in the business – it’s getting off mostly with masturbation for men.


We women have to learn, now, to be the OPPOSITE of what we were taught as girls – from the time of Jane Austen & before up until the 50’s we were taught to allow them to dominate – laugh at their jokes {especially the bad ones}, to act feminine, to build up their ego, etc. But now it’s this:


‘Don’t let him hold his head higher than yours. Don’t let him sit comfortably on furniture, on the floor. Don’t smile & laugh for him, stay neutral or grim. Put him down, criticize him, bully him, spank him, hit him, beat him up, get a dildo & sodomize him, make him worship you, your boots, lick the bottom of your shoes, spit at him, call him dirty names, humiliate him, etc.’


So now I learned, where once I had to be feminine to make money, I now had to be un-feminine for it, a total new role. I adjusted. And I realized, importantly, that the whole feminine shtick was just that. There was no law from God we had to be feminine, submissive or in any way underlings for men – it was men who invented this act. They told us through Patriarchy we had to be this way, it was the right way, & the ENFORCED IT with UNJUST LAWS, taboos, social etiquette, all sorts of punishments if we disobeyed – Much of the punishment based on OSTRACISM or being MARGINALIZED or UNACCEPTABLE in society, so we’d be pushed to the outskirts, couldn’t get a good husband to help us, wouldn’t be good material for jobs, no support, financial or emotional, all that BULL CRAP.

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And now, suddenly, for me, usually feminine like Marilyn Monroe, I am in an UNDERGROUND where I have to be MASCULINE in a sense, for pay. I am now REWARDED to be all the things the mainstream taught NOT TO BE.


What’s funny is that after I got into the business & started producing mega images & videos of domination, for some strange reason, people assumed I was ‘into it.’ They acted as if because I made a living at this, it was my enjoyment or pleasure. It wasn’t. Much of it was ridiculously funny, the laughs I enjoyed. But I never ‘got off’ or had any sort of sexual pleasure from acting out crazy male fantasies & fetishes.


The great thing about the business was the money, the independence, & no one could criticize me, tell me what to do, complain about how I looked or what I did – I was free, I was the boss, I was dominant, & they paid me big money.

Within two years, from 1987 to 1989, I had $200,000 in the bank, {worth $433,062 in 2021} the most money I’d ever had prior to that was 10k, in 1981.


          I named the business the ‘Private Fetish Corps,’ our motto, ‘We Cover a Multitude of Sins.’


          I was uncertain if I should quit stripping in 1987 & made this deal with God: ‘If I earn $1,000 this week, then it will be a sign from you I should quit stripping & work on this.’


          I went each day to the Post Office to count my money. Some of it was in cash, which was great. On the last day, Saturday, I had $940 plus a letter. The letter said,


          “I have $60 for you I will send Monday.”


          That made, exactly, to the penny, $1,000. I called my agent & quit stripping. It was just then he gave me my most lucrative offers, one for $5,000 a week plus expenses at the ‘Millionaire Club’ some place in Canada, & two the most money ever offered from NEW ZEALAND who wanted me for two weeks for 5k & said I didn’t even have to dance – JUST SPEAK! Wow, unbelievable. I still wish I could have gone to New Zealand to see the country, but God had given me the sign, I quit & that was it.


          For ten years, then, I ran the business, it evolved. Everyone I knew in the trade was impressed. Other females had tried mail order & failed. One of them was a famous porn star. Let’s call her Georgia. She invited me to her house to explain what she was doing – but she went bust with mail order & offered me her list.

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          The first thing she did wrong is she hired a female to do most of the desk work & for a good salary. You have to do it all yourself in the beginning until the biz grows. Then she had a partner with whom any profits were shared. She gave me her list. Glancing at it it had about 750 men, but I noticed lots of prisoners. What’s that all about? I said. She said they FELT SORRY FOR THEM. But they don’t have any MONEY I said, this is costing you money to send them materials. So that was the second mistake.


          I took the list home & because I didn’t know if these guys would become customers, I did not yet type them into a mail order list, I had to address each one BY HAND which took lots of time, but I did it. There was scant little return, not sure why. It was NOT A GOOD LIST & that’s why she failed & gave it to me.

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          I had a way of numbering my men. Each time they spent $100 I put an X next to their mailing label – then I’d know if I wanted to do a limited mailing who the best customers were. After all, sending a mailing to 3,000 men as I now had, requires a lot of POSTAGE & a bit of labor. {By now I always had an employee who sent out the list} I discovered that it was worth it to do all the mail first class, – I tried bulk mailing but found it to be tacky. Yes, I saved postage but the men felt what they received was ‘cheap.’ If I wanted first class money, I needed to send first class mail. Custom-made videos were sent on the best tapes enclosed in expensive plastic cases, all materials were packed properly, did not stint on anything.


          I also had a totally honest policy, of course. No kind of argument if someone complained, they got their money back, including if they sent cash. The men were impressed.


On some videos, which were CUSTOM MADE I forgot to say, if the customer DID NOT LIKE the work I REDID IT & I got good results. After I redid his video one guy, who owned a welding business, bought $1,000 worth of videos. His fetish? My hairy crotch, which I called ‘Gorilla Crotch.’ My then fiancé, Saintly Richard Von Werder, was the camera man whenever he could, if it involved just me.


          My videos were incredibly EXPENSIVE. Why? Because you could not get anything like them anywhere & each one was custom made to specific fetishes. The mainstream did not produce such videos, I had cornered this market.


          Again, as I said, no other female went to the lengths {that I know of} which I did. I had my men WRITE ME A SCRIPT. It was their own version of what they wanted, & they had to send a down payment with the script for me to even consider it. I told them ahead of time I would not produce anything that would hurt a creature – & of course where we ‘hurt’ men was all pretending. These were movies, not real life, they were acting & pretending, not reality. We tried to make everything seem real, but it wasn’t. And the videos had no real sex – except for a couple where the actors wanted it that way – I obliged them but they didn’t sell. My customers did not want mainstream sex – it didn’t turn them on, they only wanted fetishes, domination & women being cruel to men.


          Anyway, they’d send me their script, I would say OK, I will produce it, & I did, send me the rest of the money before you get the video – they did. I never had a script I did not produce, if I recall rightly. The ones that seemed antsy or difficult, I played the role myself. For instance, one guy got turned on by a husband & wife having a fight, he chases her into the yard & tried to strangle her – not to death, but it has to look serious. I played that role with an actor, then the guy himself. He had to pay about $500 each time. He did get out of hand when he played the husband, I had to hit him & broke his glasses – my cameraman would have stopped him before he got carried away, which he was starting to do. That’s why I played that role myself, didn’t want any trouble for some poor young lady.


          Another guy wanted nothing but seeing the bottoms of female’s feet. He wanted her to just show herself a few minutes first, walking or dancing around, then she would lie down & I put the camera on the bottoms of her feet. She could sleep, read, anything, just show the bottoms of the feet. Certain feet he loved, others he liked less. I paid the female a dollar a minute. So 60 mins of foot showing got $60 – it was easy work. The guy paid me around $300 for each video, & he got a half dozen of them with different models.


          A lot of my men wanted women wrestling with guys & beating them, one even wanted a female to ‘kill’ a guy by ‘strangling him with her feet’, the more violence we acted, the more the men liked it & bought them, so I would play up how tough, violent & cruel we were to the men & they ate it up.


          I had started the business with just me, the ones I spoke of, & then me dancing. The dancing segued into the domination because where most of my ads were domination-fetish newspapers –– free ads in exchange for your images – can’t beat that. So I gathered something beyond my fan base.


          As I made more money, instead of hiring a cameraman for $100 a day, I decided to buy equipment & do my own filming – it was expensive. Those days a good video camera cost 1k & you had to buy a few vcr’s – I had something like 10 vcr’s at one time, making copies. So I had to learn to film & make copies, a bit of technical know-how helped by my friend, Saint Esquire. He would learn how to run a camera, then taught me. He hooked up my vcr’s {men are better at technology than women} & figured out how to run them. When it was me as the star, he also filmed me. He helped me build my business without asking for anything in return, just friendship. So you see, I had my two best men friends helped me with business.


          Pretty soon I hired other females for variety. I liked being behind the camera more than in front of it. Most of the actresses I got were porn stars, dancers, women from the adult trade. Later I made a lot of tame videos, even without nudity, & I used local amateurs. I produced thousands of photos of the females, & these were sent to magazines free of charge. The magazines would use the pics & give me a free ad – it worked. I was featured a lot in Hustler Erotic Video & the Gent fetish magazine. The business was work but also fun. We had so many laughs.


          Now here is why I made good money. After the initial guy got his custom-made video, I put it for sale to the rest of the guys. I didn’t sell hundreds, but I sold dozens. My videos were average two hours long, & they sold for up to $250 each, believe it or not, & they guys were buying them as they were unusual.

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          One lucrative sale was a store on 42nd St. bought my work wholesale – half price, & they would buy like $10,000 worth at a time. The owner spoke to me by phone & said he made good money with them – men wanted my videos at $250 per video!


          I ran the business for ten years, taking in an average of 100k per year – not profit, but gross sales, but that does come to one million in ten years. That’s the story on that, I’m not giving too many details here, perhaps in another book, but the point I am making is how I became well off by the grace of God. Now speaking of God, let me explain an important point.



The Economy of God – Seeing Her Face to Face



          Prior to starting this business, my life was one of devotion to God, an all-out ‘Put first the Kingdom of God & everything shall be added unto you.’


          I spent much of my time alone even though I was in the adult trade, & my life was primarily, above all things, besides survival, getting closer to God. I would do anything to get closer to God – Go was what I wanted & loved more than anything on earth.


          The path I was on was one of Sainthood. Many people won’t believe this, but I speak the truth, my models were the saints, my behavior was that of the saints, my activities alone were mostly prayer, meditation, Church & spiritual reading. As I said, when I was the Stripper for God, I didn’t work every week but sporadically, & I had plenty of time for devotion. I even went on a binge one time, for 3 ½ years, where I never missed one day of Holy Mass, & one hour after Mass in the Church each time, praying. {This came about because the Holy Virgin appeared to me in a dream & wanted me to receive more Holy Communion.}


          I got many graces & gifts from God – revelations, visions, Gifts of the Holy Spirit – Jesus & Mary appeared to me several times with stupendous blessings. I had the most incredible walk with God, & in 1981 I entered into seclusion. This is a time all saints I studied went through, it was from a year to two or three years, they sequestered themselves for a special time with God. They left the world, people, their family, job, everything, to be alone to what I know now to be the FINAL STEPS in becoming ONE WITH GOD.


          In 1981 I told all my friends & relatives, even my most devoted disciple, to forget me. Don’t call me, write me, visit me, nothing. I have to be alone. I didn’t know why, I just know I had to be. I lived off my savings on about $50 a week.


          I removed the beds from my apt – don’t recall how or why—just recall the beds were gone – I slept on the floor – Mass every morning, then any errands gotten out of the way. I was eager to get back to my 6th floor walkup & be alone with God. I felt her Presence, it was Holy, it was Blissful. I did not speak to people, I entered into another world, another consciousness & alone, I was never less lonely. I communicated with Souls in Purgatory, starting with Errol Flynn, later, many other celebrity & unknown Souls – it was Heaven on earth.

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          Finally, all this culminated in my experience of SEEING GOD FACE TO FACE, not once but twice. I actually left this earth & entered Heaven on Feb. 13, 1982 & again on March 23, 1982. It lasted but moments each time, but was worth the equivalent of a hundred years of ecstasy, it’s impossible to describe accurately & all I can say is superlatives, what God is, what Heaven is. Suffice to say when we enter Heaven or see God as God is, we are there not only with our souls but our bodies. I don’t know what form we are in exactly, but it’s as if you have a physical body because all the senses are working, & what you perceive with your senses is beyond anything on earth – you feel, taste, touch, smell, hear, everything as you do on earth only a thousand times more clearly & sharply, like you just woke up out of a dull dream & became alive, like every pain you ever had is a million miles away & all you can do is love & receive love & it is ECSTASY. The ecstasy is so great that you can only be there a short time, then you must return, as it’s too much to bear.


          When these highlights of my life were over I remained happy with God, still alone, doing all my spiritual routines. I wanted nothing else, I was wishing I did not have to go back to the world. I knew my money would run out at some point, but I wished to delay this as long as possible.


The Interior Divine Stigmata


                    I will not delve into this in great detail because it won’t serve the purpose of this book, I shall make it as brief as possible. If this subject interests you, please view my book “On the Attainment of the Divine Stigmata,’ where I give a day-by-day account of the proceedings.


          Suffice to say, during the year 1981 – 1982 I received the Highest Honors from God & all the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, & even Our Holy Mother appeared to me on a blessed night & infused me with the Evangelical virtues – Poverty, Chastity & Obedience. As I said, I lived in another world. The world as we know it faded away, I walked on a cloud, I lived in Heaven. I felt & heard God every minute. There were deprivations &sacrifices, like fasting, constant prayer, constant spiritual activities. Some of it was hard –like the fasting with no food or water once a week for 24 hours {don’t ever fast without water, just food; it can hurt your health.} But these type sufferings were bittersweet; the Presence of God did not leave me.


          Then I got the bright idea of praying for the Divine Stigmata. I reasoned I had everything else that I knew of. Jesus had appeared to me as Commander-in-Chief one glorious day &gave me some kind of Power. He also gave me three Rings of blue light, visible all night, which represented Faith, Hope & Charity, the Theological Virtues, & also signified our Betrothal or Marriage. I saw it all in visions, Light was visible. The room would disappear & get filled with blue Light, I’d be standing on air during these times.

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          IMO I believed this Grace was so beyond me, if I started praying now {1982 I was37 years old} I might receive it in my 70’s – if such a thing were possible. I believed it to be the highest reach there is, as the greatest Saints I venerated had the stigmata – St. Francis of Assisi, Saint Padre Pio, & the Interior Stigmata {engraving of Christ’s wounds on the heart as St. Gertrude described it} –my mentor St. Gertrude, St. Catherine of Sienna, Saint Teresa of Avila, – Who was I compared to them?


          In fact, one time as I reached the front door of my building, Ole’ Sleufoot appeared & said to me,


          “You think you’re St. Francis of Assisi?”

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          I was stunned & pondered why he appeared & said that. Could it be because I really resembled St. Francis & he was angry?


          Let me add this – Some people think you have to go into the mountains & be a hermit to receive such graces, or some kind of convent or monastery, far away from everyone & everything. You can be in a hermitage & in the mountains mentally in the middle of Brooklyn – I was. Living at 356 South 1st St, between Hooper & Keap, apt 33, was where I lived. The city & people throbbed all around me, but I was not there, not connected; I was in a place with God, for God, from God, in God, nowhere else.


          So determined to move ahead, no knowing whereof I prayed, what exactly it was that I asked for, I opened the books of St. Gertrude the Great & St. Francis & read their prayers for the Stigmata every day. The reason I had no idea what it was is because no saint had ever explained it – believe it or not. So perhaps it behooves me to be the one who having gotten the Grace, explain it properly, which I have already done in my book. I shall briefly review the event.


          So I am praying, not sure how long. Was it three months? At that time God transpired changes in me that were a foreboding of spiritual ‘disaster.’ Something was happening in my Heart & brain. My heart swelled up into giant size, with love, like the Chakra where the heart is, then it would break or smash into pieces. It swelled up again, & again, & again, with powerful sensations, then breaks as many times, but this went on for hours.


          I was in such pain emotionally & mentally I could not respond to people. I went into the street & a man who knew me stopped his car & asked if I needed a ride. I said no, knowing, THAT THIS PAIN I FELT I HAD TO ENDURE – THERE COULD BE NO ALLEVIATION OR THE GRACE WOULD NOT OCCUR.


          I knew on some level the Divine Stigmata was taking place & I learned what it was through experience. Can’t recall if it was this day or the next I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror & knew I had GONE TEMPORARILY INSANE. It’s a pain that’s so great that your mind can’t take it – different from a ‘nervous breakdown,’ – {I had one of those many years later—it’s not supernatural} – This was.

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          After my heart broke for the last time, my brain had been drained, as if there were spark plugs in it & every one of them blew – so that no more energy could be created, I went into a darkness – even my dreams were nightmares of darkness such as I had never experienced – demons in the shape of black girls appeared & pushed me into darkness from which I could not escape, it was terrifying.


          The Divine Stigmata is MARTYRDOM. Your body doesn’t die, in this case but you can no longer utilize the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, which God gave you. It’s well known that God NEVER REPENTS OR TAKES BACK A GIFT. But you can lose the ability to use the gift, through the mechanical or biological demise of your body or instrument.   And that’s what happened.


          Through this martyrdom, this total poverty, I could no longer use any of the God-given Gifts. I did not know that’s what I asked for, but I did. Heaven left me; the Presence of God was no longer felt. I was alone, vulnerable & lonely. Pretty soon I reached out to people. I couldn’t live without them, as I had nothing else; the world came back, the evil, shallow, dingy, dreary world. I called it being back in ‘the shallows & wastes of human sense.’ Oh, what misery! To have been in Heaven on earth, then Heaven is gone, you are on clay feet, you are ordinary, deprived, vulnerable, poor, empty, shallow, miserable, all happiness evaporates. Woe is me! And that is Divine Stigmata!


          I count the date officially as Oct 9, 1982, when it started. And was it just a few days of this mess? Now hear me, & hear me well. This Grace cost me plenty sorrow, it lasted EIGHTEEN YEARS. I did not come out of this forsaken state – some call it ‘Dark Night of the Soul,’ until the year 2000. It was 1982 to 2000 – I could not communicate with God or pray with consolation – my only thing left was FAITH.


          There is a definite reason why I bring up this Grace now, right after explaining my involvement in the business ventures.


          It’s about God’s economy & management of my life – giving me all the things I prayed for, the things Jesus promised me, the things I karmically earned.


          Had I been in the state first described – Heaven on earth – I could not have run this business. The business world, in general is gross. To be in the specific business I was in is even grosser. These two worlds are in conflict, they cannot coincide. There are few saints or mystics who ever owned businesses or were tycoons in a successful way, while at the same time, enjoying the benefits of the Presence of God. One consciousness closes the other, they are not able to coincide.


          And so God ordered it this way, that during my Dark Night of the Soul, I could manage to get into this work, be good at it, make money, & while I could not enjoy the precincts of God, I gave great donations to charity, I took out of the gross income from 8 to 10% & got Masses for the Souls in Purgatory {my favorite charity, besides helping animals.}

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          This time I was not studying St. Thomas Aquinas but the Apostle of Prosperity, Catherine Ponder, & having read her books, sent her almost 4k for her efforts. She taught me a lot that I still practice today – how to pray in a way to draw prosperity & succeed at whatever you do. It was new stuff & she’s the best teacher.


          During this time also another promise from Jesus Christ was fulfilled. God’s economy is what I’m underlining here. In Jan 1978 Jesus appeared to me with Great Gifts {it was at the Playboy Club explained in my book one of ‘I Strip for God’} He said to me to ask for three gifts He would fulfill in honor of our betrothal. I mentioned spiritual ones & He said,


          “Ask for things of the earth, what you experience here.”


          So the first & obvious things that came into my head – I didn’t know what else to say, was,


          “I want to be a millionaire, a movie star & to have spiritual relationships with men.”


          Now understand, the millionaire & movie star requests were answered at least in part, through this business. They were movies, weren’t they? I had done movies before, but now there were hundreds. And I earned a million dollars in gross sales in ten years. But on top of that, with the first 200k I saved, God inspired me to go to the right area to buy property, which She said, ‘Go – see it – you will be rich.’ And thirty years later, they declared GAS & OIL under my property, & I had a good amount, there would be BIG MONEY some day, the gas first, then the oil pulled out, could factor in the millions over the years.


          And so God fulfilled her promise, in the name of Jesus Christ, that request I made through this business & this property, acquired during my Dark Night of the Soul when I could not enjoy God & Heaven – God used this time for my profit.


          My third request, to have spiritual relations with men, occurred during my ministry to the Holy Souls in Purgatory. Most of the souls I help are men. And it is the most gratifying ministry I’ve ever had. {End Chapter 8}


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized

God Compensated my Losses


Chapter 8     What People Did to Me


What God Did for Me   6-5-21



                     Just thinking, I’ve groaned a lot about the injustices & abuse of people to me, but what I must present now is what God did to make up for it. For example:


          In Part 3 of my Life I told the sorrowful incident of my friend & neighbor bringing to our front door {in my absence, Middletown, NJ, 2 Knapp Circle} a birthday cake for me. My Mom rejected this gift, saying, ‘We bake our own cakes here.’ And not a one of them in the household even said a greeting to me, no card, no gift, no cake, no nothing. And I shall channel Mother God as to why Mom & her accomplice did this. Mother God, explain the motive:


          MOTHER GOD:   She, they, de facto, were rejecting any love being shown to you – respect, kindness, anything good being given you had to be rejected, as you have explained. They wanted to destroy you. {End channeling}


          OK, but here’s what GOD did. Years later, I’m around 40, I was dating a handsome lawyer who was also a gourmet cook, let’s call him Saint Esquire. On the day of my birthday he took a cab from Forest Hills, NY to Williamsburg, B’klyn, to bring me a birthday cake, made with his own hands, a beautiful carrot cake!

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          This man, while on the subject, also did this. I was returning from a job some place with heavy suitcases which had to be carried 6 flights of stairs {I never had a companion who helped me this way, travel was hard} He knew when I’d be there; again, he took a cab for just one thing, to carry my suitcases up!


          Throughout my childhood, from the age of ten, until I left home, I was purposefully impoverished. The burden of the household chores mostly fell to me – I did all but the cooking {Mom would not share her glory of being a chef with me, she forbid me to cook when I tried, screaming & hitting me}. I cleaned house, fed the animals, did the dishes, baby sat my half sister, did most of the ironing {in those days many items had to be ironed, etc.} Mom & two other members of the household worked – they had money – but no allowance was given me {I never even thought of an allowance} – I was slave labor.


Dad was contributing money, some of it could have been given me, & Mom suggested to the other household members once, why not give Rasa an allowance from our salaries? She knew they would shoot that down, which they did, ‘No! No! No! No allowance for Rasa! She pretended to me that she wanted this, she would give me $40 a week! That was a fortune to me & then, she took it away by letting the other members say no.


          Mom was earning minimum wage & it says that minimum wage in 1959 was $1 an hour – the restaurant we all worked in at one time paid us .50 an hour – for the servers there were tips, so maybe it came to 2.50 per hour.

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          They could have easily given me $40 a week between the 3 of them or less, $20 or just $10 would have meant something – even $5 would have been appreciated – I saved them most of the household chores.


          Later on, my services were not crucial, no slave needed. The half sister was 9 years old when we moved to Middletown, NJ, so could be left alone, the house was new & cleaning it easy – there were no animals to care for. Now was the chance for me to work! But every time I got a job if Mom discovered it, she’d call up & have me fired on the pretext, ‘She does not have my permission to work, I want her to concentrate on school.’ {That was a lie, she wanted to disempower me, punish or torture me.} And Mom gave me no cash for necessities – not even school supplies or dentist – which could have been garnished from what Dad gave {I never even thought of telling Dad about this, I was devoid of knowing my rights. I was not aware of any government agency that protected children; to me it was unheard of, the thought that I could complain to a legitimate agency that I was being deprived of basic rights in the home.}


          So I was unjustly impoverished in our house. When I finally left home my first husband cancelled his life insurance to leave myself & our daughter penniless – I had $5 to my name after the funeral. His Mom was with us at his death, {she sensed his end was coming, she arrived days before it} I could not conceive of asking her for money – in fact, she asked me if I could afford the funeral. I didn’t know what that meant, I thought that if I had $1,000 plus a fiver to my name, & the funeral cost $1k, then I could afford it – so I paid it instead of asking her to. She was not poor or broke, had then about 60k in the bank. I had trouble asking anyone for anything, as the family convinced me that I deserved nothing.


          Now when I entered show business, I had a fighting chance. But I was raising a child alone, expenses were high, as anyone knows who has children, if you are the sole parent, no one in the family to baby sit, child care is expensive. So I was one woman alone, paying the bills, & child care. Those years I had no nest egg, the most I ever had before 1981, age 33, in the bank, was $1,500.


          I’m trying to explain why I was poor & how I was poor. First, My Mom caused my poverty, & second, my first husband contributed – actually caused it. You might ask, why did I have a child? – He forced both marriage & pregnancy on me. I could have supported myself single, but he wanted to USE ME {for sex, arm candy, nursing if he had a return of the cancer.} I asked him to help me get my own place – no go. He insisted we had to get married, & tricked me into a pregnancy. We always used the ‘pull out method’ but on our honeymoon he inseminated me without consent, & nine months to the day after that event, I bore a child. His plan was to keep me tied to the house – the child was his tool.

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          So rounds one & two of my young life were a financial bust. Round three was going into show business after his death. I became a star by the grace of God, but I was not solvent, it was insecure living week to week, not knowing, when I became a stripper, what jobs these agents would get me – one year my agent Don DeCarlo of Pittsburg, I realized later, was not even trying – he was ripping me off for 20% on my jobs – I put him down to 10% & after six months no jobs I understood there were no more jobs from him – he had to have 20% or I got nothing. Understand, managers get up to 50%, but they work full time for you. But an agent – mine anyway – did only one thing – call the club & negotiate. {I even provided the clubs through my own foot work.} The clubs on the road, you could not book yourself, you had to have representation. Depending on how good of a talker they were, is what you got.


          Another thing, is as I got more & more well known – {I did all the publicity myself – in 21 years I was helped by the management only twice – in Cleveland, Ohio & Toronto, Canada, the theaters gave me a bona fide press conference} – THEY made more money, my salary remained the same. I did not get paid for contacting the press, doing interviews, getting the club or theater filled up.


One guy in Canada made so much money off me that he put a down payment on a new hotel – I estimate he made $75k profit while I made $2,500. {Guessing by how many seats were occupied in the club, what they charged at the door & drinks. The coffee shop they had ran out of all food & could not keep up with it. The club was huge – maybe 1,000 seats – & filled up for two weeks. That’s why I worked mostly Canada in my last years – they had clubs much bigger than America & so could pay more.}


          Now that’s what people did to me. But what did God do? I’m explaining the economy of God, her management of my life, her compensating me while people deprived me, punished me or exploited me. God was on my side – & so She is on yours if you do her will. If you do not obey God & are her enemy, then of course, She will not bless you & compensate you for your sufferings. Judas the traitor was not rewarded by God, he met his own fate, probably in Hell.


          And so, for the unfortunate poverty, misery, insecurity & most of all, lack of love I suffered at the hands of people, this is what God did for me: And I shall ask Mother God to answer for me. First question, what did God do for me because I was deprived of love?

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          MOTHER GOD:   When a God-loving person is unjustly deprived of love, they get closer in intimacy with God. That entails a whole gamut of consolation, gifts & blessings. It’s the deeper happiness which is not of this world.


          Being intimate with God, One with her, is the greatest gift of all – it is heaven. One can undergo all kinds of earthly deprivations & tortures & still be happy if they are close to God – look at what the saints went through, & most of the time they were happy. Their sufferings were not bitter or dry, their pain, when endured for God, brought sweetness to their souls. So you, most of the time, had consolation with God, felt her Presence, felt love, you were not ‘the walking dead’ like the majority of folks are – they are spiritually dead. As you well know & say it again & again, the saints say the majority enter Hell – more men than women, more rich people than poor.


          ME:   And say in your words, dear Mother God, how I was compensated for the lack of resources & security.


          MOTHER GOD:   Oh, that’s a biggie, you were greatly rewarded & compensated. First, God gave you the ability to make a million dollars in earnings through business. That started in the year 1987, age 42 – God helped you create the mail order video business which, for the first time in your life, you were rich. The business took in one million dollars in ten years.


          When you saved 200k by 1989 you prayed daily for six months for a house. God guided you, your fiancé drove you into the country {from B’klyn} to start looking upstate NY. After the second time looking, God appeared to you in a dream, as Mrs. Ronald Reagan, the wife of the President. {This type of apparition bespeaks Power & Prosperity, being the wife, not the President himself, hints at ‘domestic’ or ‘home.’}

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          She said to you, showing you a listing you had,

          “I have a house for one of your deserving poor. Go! {see it} – You will be rich!”


          You had no idea what the ‘you will be rich’ meant. You did get rich from business, then you got rich after you married & your husband died. But that’s not what God was talking about. Thirty years after you bought your property – & God was guiding you what to purchase – they announced GAS & OIL underground, ‘The Marcellus Shale’ – enough fossil fuel to energize a large area of the US. That was the riches to come – not realized yet but will be in your lifetime – God said so.


          And so, there is one example, God gave you property with gas & oil under it – nothing like that happened to any of the folks who abused you, used you or deprived you. Think of how much God loves you by this reward.


          ME:   And I might add that I think it’s important I did not hate or take revenge on my persecutors, I endured it stoically the way Jesus & his saints did/do. I think that summons the Grace of God, whereas, revenge, & hate against ones enemies would dispel God’s rewards.


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          MOTHER GOD:   Indeed, hate & revenge would prevent God from compensating you, as you close the door of the heart to Grace, Grace cannot then come in. One must have an open heart & good qualities to receive God’s blessings.



The Road to Success – How I Made One Million Dollars



I will briefly explain my business success. It was in video production, starting with just myself dancing, then later, hiring others to act with me in female domination & fetish work. But it started with just pictures of me, which men bought for $5 a piece. {Here’s that girl the family called ugly, selling pics of herself to make a living – did they make sense?}



Around 1985-86 I was dissatisfied with my stripping business. I had been sporadically ‘on the road’ since 1972, I was now pushing 40, I had gained 10 lbs {capital sin, they exaggerate all your faults, just gain a tiny bit of weight & one club owner told my agent I gained 50 lbs–ridiculous} & others just didn’t like me for whatever reason, being I was middle aged or had some esoteric music.


There was a horrible man in Canada who tried to make me enter the country without a visa {that was illegal} which means he didn’t like me as soon as he saw me at the airport – he would have probably called the authorities the next day to pick me up, being without visa, an evil man. Anyway, before the end of the week he fired me, & it really hurt. I think it was one of my acts he didn’t like – it was unusual Latin music from the 40’s – like ‘The Peanut Vendor’ & ‘Granada’ & ‘Siboney’ & I wore an all white lace outfit. But I believe he just didn’t like my look at the airport & each day he figured how to get rid of me, finally, just struck the axe. He was the young son of the owner, Jewish, that’s all I remember, can’t remember the club name or his. He was arrogant, uncaring, and devious. They gave me no publicity, no advertising at this miserable place, it was a quasi-brothel with lap dances & all that – the guy told me ‘you don’t fit in’. Strangely, the book I chose to bring that week as my reading material had to do with management of pain!

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It wasn’t all bad. I was still beautiful. I will prove it with other pictures from my last 2 years in Canada – it’s just no matter what, you meet some people who don’t like you as you don’t meet their preference – their idea or type they want. Consider, I didn’t like handsome Arnold – I liked darker guys at the time, so I rejected him – not his fault, he had what it takes but I wanted something else.


However, the problem was agents. There was no such thing as a list or easy way to find out where the clubs & theaters were, how to contact them. There was no internet, no yellow pages that covered America & Canada with all the venues. You had to beg, borrow or steal names from other dancers – if they would share them.


I met the husband of one star in 1984 – he came to see me at the Hubba Hubba Club in Honolulu, Hawaii. He sat with me & painstakingly picked his brain for every place his wife had worked – that helped. I had Don de’Carlo call them & got jobs. So it was hard to find places, your agent had to contact them – they would not book any of us directly – it’s the pimp system – men must have their share. {That’s how prostitutes are pimped by the Patriarchy. Make it illegal, pick them up, cops get paid, judges get paid, it’s the women’s money in fines. Use them, put them back in the street & start all over again next time. This is explained in a book I’m part of called ‘Sex Work.’}


So I got maybe 5-6 jobs a year in 1985-86 – they were high paying, but even at 3k per week, it only adds up to 15k a year, counting polaroids, ok, add 1k to that. If I had 6 jobs it would be 18 k a year plus 1k for polaroids. {Meaning the customers paid me $10 each to be in a Polaroid with them.} I lived MODESTLY in a 6 floor walk up that was rent controlled, so I could make it, but I wasn’t thriving, just surviving.


You might ask why didn’t I work at one steady place in NYC, regularly? Indeed, I did, I do recall because my new best friend, Saint Esquire, was picking me up at work. It was OK for a while, they paid me $30 a show & there were 4 shows a day. That meant $120 a day or $720 a week – a big come down from $3k on the road. $750 a week in 1987 today amounts to $1,735. 3k a week in 1987 is $7,230 so with 6 jobs a year I made $43,380 today’s money – which is not bad, not good for a star or for building a nest egg.


I get on the internet, that the min wage in 1987 was $3.35. But also this:   In 1989, the median American household made $51,681 in current dollars. {Not sure which year they speak of, maybe 2012.}

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OK, so household might mean two people working, even three. I’m trying to explain what my status actually was, accurately, that although I was ‘a star’ & in headlines in newspapers, covers of magazines & TV shows, I was struggling & surviving, no wealth, no nest egg, until the time I shall explain.


I worked at this place in Times Square – I think it was 7th Ave but can’t recall the name – about 5 weeks. {After 5 weeks they were going to demote me to $15 a show – although it was easy for me to work there, this cut hurt my pride & I quit.} They did not put my name out there, no advertising, nothing. Why? Because it was a porno palace, they made money from sex. {To draw undue attention might have been bad, as I don’t think sex on stage was legal, I guess they paid people off.} Not direct sex with the customers, but like this. You walk in, can watch porn videos in booths downstairs, masturbating of course. {I wonder who cleans up the sperm. I know a guy who slid on it carrying the cash box away& almost broke his neck.}


Upstairs, where my small theater was, way to the back past a turnstile you pay to go through, you have a couple options. You can watch a real sex show in a glass cage, a male & female, or else two females, which you pay for. Can’t recall how they hide the cage from the non-payers, I think you watch through some sort of peep-hole like binoculars.


To the left are the masturbation booths. You go in, across from you behind a glass is a female. You pull out your penis & start to masturbate, & she is supposed to turn you on & walk you through it. She can show her vagina & play with it I imagine. You give her the script. One female told me that a young black man told her to curse out his mother, call her every bad name you could think of, like dirty whore, & that made him horny & happy. I found that unusual & amazing.


This poor, poor girl showed me her scalp, where a man had attacked her with a knife & sliced off part of her flesh along with hair – she was concerned, was the loss of flesh & hair obvious? She was trying to make a living. No one said the adult trade was easy or safe. Why are prostitutes singled out for violence & murder? – Because they’re there, on the street, available & vulnerable. No wonder they start to take drugs. It’s a Catch-22 situation. The average prostitute is raped or violated forcefully 5 times per week. Imagine if that were to happen to you on the job? Wouldn’t you need a substance to keep going? Of course some of them already were addicts, but those who weren’t, need help to get through – unless they are combinations of Hercules & Wonder Woman.

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Now in the middle of these activities as I said, is my theater. Go through the turnstile & there’s a round series of seats, just like a real theater, with a stage around 15’ long & 6’ wide, where the acts occur. What are the acts? – Dancers? No I was the only dancer. You would not believe the acts I had to follow & remain the main attraction.


There would be two different couples who actually had real sex on stage. While I was there one couple the female was average looking, overweight, the guy fairly good looking. I don’t know how these guys could get a hard-on & do it 4 times a day, & this couple told me they did it again at home – Samson step aside. They were paid – I’m not lying – $6 a show. Another couple was French, both good looking – they washed the plastic bed on stage with alcohol before each round. I wanted to see them perform & got emboldened to sit in the audience one day, but someone interrupted me to go somewhere. To this day although I worked in such places, I never have seen a live sex act. This attractive couple told me they made $7 a show. There was a third couple also, very attractive.


The other act I remember was a Latin female, cute, very thin, who walked around for a couple minutes, then sat down & masturbated with a huge black dildo. That was it – every act on stage except me was sex.


So now imagine, I come out, & I have to be somehow more exciting than the previous. How could one manage that? Supposedly beauty & talent win the day, consider I was being paid ten times what these others were. People did like me & applauded well, a video producer came – which come to think of it – was responsible for me starting my own business! He hired me for domination videos at a good price, $500 a day plus a copy to sell – no sex involved. I asked him can you really make a living at this? He lived in a good part of town in a beautiful apt – so I thought if he could do it, I could do it, & later I did. His specialty was wrestling videos. He said with my legs, I could do a great ‘scissors’ whatever that was. I was fascinated. Will get back to what I did later.

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So now here I am, in this sex emporium, among my NY neighbors, not sure where life is going next.


I was working on & off, months would drag by where I had no income & often worked on publicity. I would go to a newsstand called ‘Hotalings,’ which carried newspapers & magazines from all over the world. I would pick up like $50 {$120.50 today} or more of these periodicals, take them home, peruse them & send them my story as the ‘Stripper for God’ with plenty photos & slides. I got into the international media that way – Germany’s STERN {which was like our ‘Life’ Magazine or ‘Look’ – Italian, French, English, Spanish, Australian – everywhere. My publicity is featured on Kellie Everts I Strip for God website – many of the periodicals are featured as well as numerous TV shows.


In fact, because of this onslaught of publicity, they sent reporters from Spain to do a big story for a top magazine, & the Australians sent their ‘60 minutes’ staff to show me dancing & an interview – they even paid me $300. Whenever I danced in NYC international travelers would tell me they’d seen documentaries on me in Italy, Australia & elsewhere. I even got letters from Papa New Guinea & Poland. Some of the stuff I believe was copied from work done in America. There have been at least eleven documentaries done on me.


As a photographer of ‘America’s Most Beautiful Men’ – which I did from 2012 to 2017 – I met on the phone hundreds of aspiring male models & dozens in person. I tried to show them the ropes, but none of them except one listened to me. The one who listened made it to the top – he became a poster boy for Ralph Lauren. He already had what it takes, he did the right things, he worked hard & he made it. The rest of them flopped. They just didn’t have the brains to listen & learn, they thought they knew how to reinvent the wheel, that their case was different, they would make it on what they knew, but they knew nothing.


You have to be young & dumb before you can be old & wise. Was I ever that dumb? No indeed, because I started trying age 16, & did what had to be done. These yokels just sit on their ass & expect people to appear & ‘give them a break’ – but no one appears. When I came into their lives I explained that in order to make it in any field of show business – even products – there has to be advertising, publicity, promotion & media. And no one will GIVE this to you, you have to TAKE THE WHEEL & steer yourself, or else find a manager who falls in love with you & does the work while you perform. There is no other way – but they won’t listen. I heard a minister say,

          “There is work in the working of miracles.” To be a genuine star is sort of a miracle – & it takes constant hard work getting there. That’s what they aren’t doing. {Will get to the million dollars deal before I end this chapter.}

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In Between Dancing & Publicity I was Uncertain



          Didn’t know where I was going – how I could make it. Two things in my favor, I was Kellie Everts, an adult trade / notoriety star. Second, I met a guy who made wrestling / domination videos & he was making a living. {How one thing leads to another Had I not been working at this porn palace at the time, I would not have met this industry producer & got the idea from him – being ‘out there’ even under less than ideal conditions can lead to meaningful paths.} These two items were the catalysts for success – but not right away.


The dilemma went like so: I cannot get married & have a guy support me because I am celibate {In fact ultra rich Robert Atkins courted me in 1981 & wanted to marry me, but I turned him down, it was impossible, my celibacy plus he was Jewish – I could not repudiate my religion – Or my celibacy which was vowed to God.}

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And of course I cannot be a prostitute or call girl because I am celibate – even if I was not celibate, I couldn’t do it because it would hurt my dignity. I know the women who go into this have to. {Many of the women retiring from dancing went into prostitution or got married, they were the paths of least resistance, indeed, one I knew went back to school teaching & there were other ways.} But I would find another way. But what was the way? What could a celibate woman, in the adult trade, do to make a living?


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Six Months House Arrest

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Chapter 7     6 Months House Arrest 

  for Dancing with a Puerto Rican   6-3-21


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                    Both Mom & her sister, Aunt Dagmar, had a thing against ‘sex.’ Dagmar, who we called ‘Ara’ was a faithful housewife as far as we know, from the time she married Uncle Henry until forever,  even after his death.


          Mom was different. She got tired of Dad & began to have love affairs with other men way back when, not sure when, but was told that in Germany she kept a diary of her activities & she & Dad had fights over his sneaking into it.


          She was so active that during the time she lived with Dad, she had 4 abortions – only one his. {Later there were at least 3 more abortions…I read an interesting statistic – that the average number of abortions of an Eastern European woman, – those under Communist rule – was 7 – I went ‘bingo.’ My Lithuanian cousin spent several months with me in the USA & spoke what it was like under the Communists. The leaders were all men. They decided on what provisions would be available to the public, including birth control & hygiene, to that end the provided no KOTEX – sanitary napkins – or TAMPAX – for women to collect blood from their periods. And so, women had to use cloths or rags for that purpose, throw them away incessantly or wash them & use them again. Cousin also told me they only had brassieres that were shaped like bags, they had no bras that enhanced a woman’s curvature. And now, I came to this conclusion, being MEN & therefore, narrow minded for their own concerns & wishes, at the exclusion of what is best for both women & men, they OFFERED NO CONDOMS on the market. Let women get pregnant, what did they care, in fact, let their sperm live, whatever happens to the kids, let the woman bear the burden. And so, WOMEN ENDED UP USING ABORTION, PROVIDED ‘FREE’ BY THE GOVERNMENT, AS THEIR MEANS OF BIRTH CONTROL, thereby creating the 7 per woman statistic. And that was the system Mom started out with & kept up that pattern. I channeled Mom on this in Book 3.}


          Although Ara was sexually inactive while Mom was active, they had the same attitude toward sex. Sex was a no-no for OTHER PEOPLE. Any female perceived as, or known to be sexually active, was a BAD PERSON {except for Mom, there is no log in her eye, but she sees the toothpick in that of others.} To that effect, I shall explain how I went under Mom’s HOUSE ARREST for six months for dancing with a Puerto Rican.


          After our homestead efforts went bust, Mom got a job at a factory called ‘Brockway Glass.’ There she met a local woman, fat & unattractive, who had a farm with her husband. Not sure if the husband was still there, but this woman said something that OUTRAGED Mom. She told me about it. She had had SEX with one or more Puerto Rican field hands that worked on her farm, to wit, she said,


          “Some of those Puerto Ricans are DAMN good looking men!”

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          When Mom repeated those words to me, with a shudder, her eyebrows arched – like how OUTRAGEOUS this was. This woman thought Puerto Ricans were handsome, had sex with them, & HAD A SON by one of them.


          I met two of this woman’s children, a female my age, & the half Puerto Rican son. I was extra friendly with her, acquainted but not close to him, {one time he needed to write an essay on Kennedy vs Nixon, he couldn’t do it – so I wrote it for him. My speech was so good, a male teacher read it & gave me his precious 8X10 image of John Kennedy SIGNED. I wish I still had it.}


          So there was a dance where I took part, & the Puerto Rican son was there. A twist contest came up – I had never done it {being 14 there’s a lot of things I hadn’t done} – they showed me it, I WON the contest with the boy. Another dance contest came up & we also won that – that happened to me all the time. We had dances every week at a local Catholic Church {kind of a safe place for kids to hang out, supervised by nuns}, every contest they held was won by me, no matter who my partner was.


          After the dance my Mom calls me to the kitchen table for a talk. She says, is it true that I danced with this half Puerto Rican boy? Because his mom bragged to Mom that we had won contests. And on top of that, was I so friendly with her daughter that we shared clothes, switching clothes so each of us had a bigger wardrobe? I said yes to both items.


          A dark spirit crossed her face & she ominously pronounced,


         “Because of this, you will not leave the house for six months. You cannot go with us when we shop, no visits with friends, no activities, no trips outside the house. You are grounded.”


          This was not an easy punishment to take. My way out of isolation / loneliness was to do this walk in the woods every day. There was some kind of a round road through the woods, which covered about a mile, that I trekked. Nature / exercise was the escape. Occasionally when I had a buck or two I veered out of the woods to a tiny family restaurant {seated like 8 people} for a burger & fries, walking past their huge German Shepherd posted by the woods – scared as he barked furiously, on a metal runner about 25’ long – I knew if he broke off that runner he’d attack me. {Today I would have saved part of my burger for him each trip so he’d know I was his friend, but then I didn’t think of that. How pitiful that that dog was all alone, 200’ from the house, by the woods, no other dog to keep it company.}


          The thing is, my Mom was working, & I could have disobeyed. But honor was a big thing with me, as I explained before. I felt that if a parent made a rule {within reason} I was obligated, under God, to obey. But I begged for one exception – the school choir. Our music director said we HAD to be there & I begged release, & she consented. And as usual, I was the only female who did not have the UNIFORM black skirt, I conjured up a brown one & stood in the back row {I explained in Part 3 how I was the only Girl Scout who didn’t have a uniform.}


          Another escape was my neighbor Helen, lived a couple minutes away. I went there often to chat. She was single, with her old mom who never felt well. The only notable thing I recall her telling me, that I didn’t understand at the time, was that men have ‘Roman hands & Russian fingers.’ Years later I got it:   ‘Roaming hands, rush in fingers.’


          Of course, dancing with the Puerto Rican boy was not sex – but to Mom, who was HYSTERICALLY PREJUDICED it was close. She hated, despised the woman who had sex with Puerto Ricans, & I shall channel. Mom, why did you hate that woman so much that you imposed that punishment on me?


MOM:   Because I was jealous.I wanted to do as she did, but I couldn’t or didn’t get the chance, so I hated her & acted outraged.


ME:   Why did you not, then, become good friends, & ask her to introduce you to some of those guys?


MOM: That would have been unthinkable. I carried the pose of an aristocrat {in my own mind} who would not lower myself to that level. If I had done that, also, she & other people would have known, & that would hurt my reputation, my front, as a respectable woman. I did my deeds in the dark.


ME:   But why then, punish me so harshly just for dancing with a boy & being friends with the girl? Isn’t that extreme?


MOM:   As extreme as was my hate. People on crime shows you’ve watched kill others for the kind of hate I had.


ME:   Explain your hate of minority people, you & Ara being against any kind of people not exactly like us. What is the origin of such great prejudice? And consider, when we first got here, you were a maid for a Jewish family. You worked every day for two weeks before getting one day off. Ara was also a servant to Mrs. Grant in Waccabuc. So where is your high horse? Minority people you hated were in the same boat, sometimes suffering poverty – you might have had compassion.


MOM:   In our minds, we were ladies from an elite family, the inteligensia – which was true – we were in an upper class in Lithuania. This made us superior, in our minds, to others who were lower down the social ladder.


When we arrived as refugees, of course, we lost our status, our place in society, & our wealth. But we were still great ladies, better than our neighbors & minority folks. This way of looking at ourselves made us feel important, superior; it was a feeling of comfort, reassured our egos.

When you hobnobbed with the kids I felt inferior, you were lowering our status & insulting our position.


          ME:   Eventually you gained some kind of prominence with the Reader’s Digest plant in Pleasantville, NY. You wre in charge of the guest house & all the cafeteria / restaurant of the facility which fed all the employees. Did you feel you had a reached a high status there in Pleasantville & it justified your self image? Did you maintain your prejudices then, until death, or did you straighten out?


          MOM:   I maintained my hate of minorities. Remember when you brought that Puerto Rican girl to my apt in Pleasantville? She was only 7 years old, but I told you, don’t bring any of those type people here again. And as far as my status, yes, I had risen above all the humble conditions of the past & thought myself a great success.

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 From top to bottom:  Parents get married, they dancing first year in America, Dad as a young professor, Mom age 26


ME:   Did you ever regret abusing me? And 

did you realize that you had left your spirit behind in family members? I would be afflicted by that spirit in these people long after your death, even at the age of 75 when you have been dead 42 years – these people do the amazing trick of justifying the abuse while pretending it never happened.


          MOM:   Hahaha. I was an effective abuser. Did I ever regret it? On my deathbed I made repentance, due to your prayers, & I was saved. Somehow I knew this abuse was the ‘chiseling down’ of you which would turn you into a saint, so it was God’s will. Don’t blame me, I did as God wanted.

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          ME:   Very funny. There’s an argument to be made for the torturers & traitors of Jesus, that it was God’s will, but they still had to pay the price for their sins. You were in Purgatory a long time – 24 years – & your place in Heaven is not high. Do you wish you had been a better person?


          MOM:   In Heaven we are not capable of feeling regret, we’re perfectly happy no matter where we are, & of course, saints enjoy more bliss than I do, but what I have is the justice of God. I deserve no more, so I don’t wish for any more.   {End chapter 7}


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