Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Marilyn Monroe & Me

Chapter 11 Marilyn Monroe, Andre de Dienes & Me

I’ve had this book in my possession for a while, never finished reading it. But a short time ago I met a fan of MM & promised to show her the book, so I looked at it again. I was basically ignoring Mr de Dienes, just said in my writings ‘He took me to CA” – but after seeing what he said about Marilyn & realizing there was a parallel between his taking her on the road & taking me – {she was with him 5 weeks, I endured 3.} I could read between the lines, he admitted being a pig {sex maniac he called it, sounds better than pervert/pig}, his mind only on sex, telling dirty stories; he says he felt rage at her having him ‘at his beck & call’ but not putting out {he was the same with me, only I will explain why he was meaner to me} – {except once in an unfortunate snowstorm where the hotel had only one room with a double bed, they had to share it & she gave in, maybe spent a second day there, mostly in the room. So he hit it twice I suppose, but it seems she never put out again, & he calls this their HONEYMOON! – Wishful thinking, fantasies & delusions gone mad.}

This book is an outrage & I will set the record straight – will describe my time with him & channel {mind read} both him & Marilyn. I know Marilyn is in Heaven, he’s probably there but I think in a dim place like my Mom & bro.

The book is ‘Marilyn Mon Amour’ & what I want to counter is the false impressions he gave of himself – I will tell what he really was like – & his image of Marilyn upon first seeing her – which he colors in hyperbole & later puts her down {“her success was a sham”.}

The pics he took in 1945 show a pretty girl with a nice figure, not yet groomed, not a star – the Marilyn people adore did not exist at age 19. These images did not lead her to a movie career. In the first ones her hair is unfortunate, she looks attractive, maybe cute, maybe pretty, some are beautiful. As the years go by her look changes due to the movie studios; the makeup artists, studio hair dressers, costume designers, took her potential & made her a gorgeous glamour doll.

She was not ‘stunning’ at 19, just a simple lovely girl, Andre describes his first sight of her like the Heavens opened, it was a supernatural event, she was a Divine entity & he knows she’s going to be a star {while at the same time plotting how to get her to take nudes, have sex with him, & then live in matrimonial slavery, for him & him alone, having endless pictures taken…..You believe he had her best interests at heart, I’ll sell you a bridge.}

Let me channel him while I’m at it {channeling is mind reading}. ME: Andre, tell me honestly what your first sighting of Marilyn meant to you.

ANDRE: {His new name is the PIED PIPER, so hereafter I shall call him PP {like urine, haha} – Pied Piper because he does something for you, & if he doesn’t get his pound of flesh, he takes revenge. He says:

My first sighting of her was her innocence. She looked green, docile – no Heavens were opened, she looked like a sweet young girl, maybe 17, & my thoughts were how I could get to her, make her do what I wanted, & she seemed like a fine candidate.

ME: Candidate for what?

PP: Like I told you again & again {prior to this moment} – I was an ORDINARY MAN & being ordinary I lived for myself, my flesh, not my spirit. I was out to get what I wanted, which in this case was mostly sex. My mind was not on business or what I would do with these images, it was how I could get her into bed from the get go – & these were my thoughts with any innocent, young female I would go on a trip with – how I could get sex & how soon?

ME: OK, understood, I suspected as much & any human in their right mind would. What about me? Were those your exact intentions? I was 16, a month from my 17^th birthday, 1961. You had seen the last of Marilyn in June, 1961 – perhaps it was before you took me from New York to CA, as that was June 1961, or maybe you saw her when we got to CA, not telling me.

PP: As you know, the very first night, I tried it with you & you were going to let me, but being an old man, I lost my hardon & couldn’t get it back. After that you said no, so I was pissed.

ME: You rave about how beautiful, wonderful, vivacious Marilyn was. Were you exaggerating, wishful thinking because you wanted her so badly & it took a while getting there? How did I compare to her looks wise, as you did photograph me later, & you saw me nude from the get-go. And of course, throughout our sojourn, after I said no, you criticized me calling me ‘too skinny.’ Your first reaction of me was you would get me into Playboy as a Hawaiian girl {obviously you saw I was exotic, having Mongolian blood} but you never gave that idea a start.

PP: Looks wise, you were as good as Marilyn, in fact, your body was better. But your personality was not docile. She gave an aura of femininity & was careful to in a way, to lead me on. She was extremely diplomatic as she knew all men want to bed young ladies – you all know – & she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, she wanted to get the work done. She wasn’t sure if she could hold me off until the end, – as it turned out – it was impossible, & she went through the ordeal & cried. Yes, now that I’m dead I admit the truth. That’s why she had tears in her eyes as I described.

You were tougher, stronger than Marilyn. You resisted at your peril. You found me repulsive, as she also did. By the time I got to you I was worse than I was before, & my personality toward you was vile.

ME: So many questions here. (1) How was my body better than hers, & after that, why did you keep saying I was ‘too skinny?’ {BTW, I did not believe you; I felt it was ‘sour grapes.’} And (2) how did I show I was tough & strong?

PP: You were not docile like her, she was submissive; she would give the impression I was in charge, I was superior. She tolerated all my dirty stories, as you did, & she laughed. Maybe you didn’t laugh as much, you hated them, you didn’t hide it as well. She listened to me attentively & I was flattered, thinking she wanted to learn from me, that I impressed her, but nothing I said impressed you, you did not think much of me, & for good reason.

ME: In your book, you give the impression that you had some sort of cultural/intellectual knowledge. I saw none of that. I was probably, at age 16, more learned & cultured than you – as I had been reading great literature since age 9 – I had listened to opera, classical music, from my Mother’s womb, I had studied ballet & adored it. I knew many operas, ballets, classical pieces, great books. I had been exposed to such things from infancy, & I also was exposed to religion & was close to God – you weren’t.

Your only interest in art I recall was monetary. You bragged how you got a painting {for free} out of a man named Kooning {William de Kooning I think} & how much money you could sell it for some day. Did you really believe Marilyn was trying to learn from you?

PP: No, she wasn’t, but I liked to think she did. We Europeans on the average know more about culture than the average American, so I held this up over her head to try & get her to admire me. It was all delusional on my part, but it buoyed up my ego.

ME: Had Marilyn my personality & resisted & rejected you for sex, what would you have done?

PP: I would have ignored her after the journey, let’s say, if on that fateful day there was one room-one bed, prisoners of the snow, & she refused sex, that would have been the end. I would have known all bets were off, I would have maybe taken her back to her Aunt, & after that, ignored her.

ME: And yet you claim how you loved her, you wrote her a preposterous love letter telling her love was all that mattered {this is repeated in your book} {before she gave in to sex} & you would always love her, a stupid, silly, mushy bullcrap letter – desperate man. So did you ever love her?

PP: You can tell by evidence of how a person acts if they truly love or not. I was not capable of love, God’s love or a parental nurturing love, I only cared for my own penis. I wanted her, lusted after her; she was young & docile & pretty. I wanted to possess her & use her; I didn’t care what she wanted. If I had truly loved her, I would have sat down with her, after she told me she didn’t want to get married wanted to be in the movies – & produced a plan. The plan would consist of how I could help her, through my photography & contacts, to make her a star. But I didn’t care. When she said she wanted to be in the movies it seemed a long shot, I figured she wouldn’t get there. So why would I knock myself out to help when it was improbable, & if it happened, she would leave my clutches & be a star – a woman who could get anyone she wanted. What chance would I have? I was a nobody, not rich or famous, only known in the world of photography, no VIP to the Hollywood crowd. But I did have contacts, indeed, many, I could have helped her. And I could have given her cash. She told me she was having trouble making ends meet. I suggested her getting a studio apt in Santa Monica, she did. But I did not provide any money – & I did sell her images at a profit to obscure people like ANSCO {?} or magazines the Hollywood set never saw. I made money off her but didn’t share it, I was greedy & selfish. You saw what I was like, a nothing of a man; half a man.

ME: And I might add the irony of it all, that you are famous only in the light of having been with her – in the Wikipedia that is the major content of your story – when you took her on trips, saw her, photographed her, the most famous glamour doll in our society. And all the while you were pretending you could help her – she helped you. You stand in her shadow, & you even had the nerve, if you said it, not your writer, that her success was a sham! You made it seems to me, most of your living off catalogs like Montgomery Ward. You photographed a number of celebrities. I imagine the studio or magazines paid you for shots. You might have been suitable for outdoor work or action images, rather than the studied theatrical portraits. I don’t think you ever did those. You could not have made your living off that – that would be icing on a cake, but the cake itself was just hard, mundane work of catalogs. And I know the American Indians did not pay you to document them. Am I getting this right?

PP: Indeed, I made money mostly off hard, mundane work like catalogs or routine stuff for magazines. The glamour was few & far between. I had to struggle to keep afloat & there were many obstacles like my house being damaged in a landslide, much of my photos destroyed, & then in a fit of depression I buried Marilyn’s nudes in my soggy back yard, tried to retrieve them later on but most were gone.

ME: I know you stated you originally told Ms Snively {Blue Book modeling agency – I spoke with her when I was about 17 – she also told me she ‘got Marilyn Monroe started’ – haha to that} you sought someone willing to take nudes, you were scheming to introduce that idea to Marilyn but got thwarted some times – but you told me in person that you did have nudes, & she came to your door one day & pleaded for you to destroy them as she just had a scandal with Tom Kelly’s images of her in Playboy. You said you buried them because of that. So where are the nudes? I’ve not seen any anywhere.

PP: If there had been any nudes I’m sure you would have seen them somewhere, sometimes. I mean nudes of Marilyn Monroe would be priceless. In my book I say I dug them up, & I told you in person I did. But they were ruined. If they were even half ruined, someone could have published them, but they were completely ruined – to the point you could not recognize the subject was Marilyn.

ME: OK, some last questions. You said my body was better than hers – how was that?

PP: Your skeleton & the way your limbs were shaped & your fitness. Marilyn was soft compared to you, & less shapely. You had better legs, arms & shoulders. Her greatest feature was the sway of her back & how it curved into her rear end. You had that & more.

Why did I keep calling you skinny & disparaging you? Because I was angry. I told you how I got angry at Marilyn when she had not put out – I was not a good sport, just an ordinary man who wanted revenge when he didn’t get his needs met.

ME: And when you left me on the street with the modeling fee you paid me – nothing more – $60, knowing I had no friends, relatives or contacts, that was the act of a man without conscience. Anything could have happened; I could have been rendered homeless in a short time. I doubt you would have done that to Marilyn had she not acquiesced to your demands. Was it because of Ms Snively & her Aunt that you’d be afraid to do that to her? Whereas I arrived to your ChelseaHotel at 6am in the morning – you did not get me through an agency nor did you have to meet my Dad to get permission. Is that why you were so gross in your treatment of me, as you cold not be held accountable?

PP: Indeed, with Marilyn Ms Snively could have black listed me had I done that to her, so I couldn’t get models to work for me. And Marilyn’s aunt could have called the police had I mistreated her, but with you, there was no accountability. That’s why it’s so dangerous to be young & at the mercy of men like me – we don’t care.

Andre Writes Some Bull Crap

I am convinced he did not write the book – its way beyond his literary skill. He most likely gave an extended interview to a professional writer, the writer waxed profusely on the romantic angle. The description of their time of having sex is ludicrous; imagine this man, for whom English is a second language he never mastered, writing this:

“The snow was falling thick & fast, the road was becoming impassable. I made out some lights shining from an old brick building which rejoiced in the grand name of Government Lodge. We were in luck, there was one room free. Only one. With a double bed. There was nowhere else to go….

As soon as she showered she slipped quickly into the big bed, where I joined her. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. The night was ours.

In my dreams I had explored her body; reality far surpassed my imagination. Everything she felt for me, trust, gratitude, even admiration, was fused in her surrender…..{Me: OMG are you kidding? Deluded.}….Why had we waited, hesitated, denied ourselves so long? {Me: She denied you as she didn’t want you.} Our bodies were made for each other…..I could not get enough of the silky skin, of her supple body both docile & demanding, of our shared, repeated pleasure, and suddenly, as my cheek brushed hers I realized she was crying. {Me: Hahaha, of course she was, to endure this atrocity from you, a veritable rape.}…..

Heaven was on our side: as we surfaced from the deep slumber that follows love-making, I saw that thick snowflakes were falling fast….We were prisoners. We spent the whole day in our room, only emerging during a bright spell to take some photos….Those blissful moments were mine alone. To let others share them would be a desecration.” {Me: Then why are you telling the world?}

This man continues fooling himself for years, that she wanted him, had feelings for him, forgetting that the only reason she got into bed with him is they were prisoners due to a snowstorm & this was the only room & bed available.

What Andre told me about this encounter was that she was turned on by him more than by other men because HE GAVE HER HEAD. {Licked her vagina.} I can just imagine how he did it, maybe a few seconds, they all think we get off on those 5 second licks – & yet they should consider how long it takes the poor females to suck their dicks before they come.

When I spent my first night with Andre de Dienes in a motel, I had not yet had much sex – I was 16 – {he was 48} I was willing to give in because I feared if I didn’t, he’d drive me back to New York – we weren’t terribly far away yet. But unfortunately, being an old man, he lost his hardon & couldn’t get it back. And the next day when he demanded sex, I refused, & refused until he gave up. But of course, he made me pay for denying him.

Now I will channel Marilyn Monroe. ME: Marilyn, did you ever have any feelings for this man, or attraction for him, or as he said in his book, even admired him? He says you wanted to learn from him.

MM: It was the opposite of all that. First of all, I endured him. He was obnoxious, but I was patient, stoic & endured a lot. My ambition was strong, I really wanted to make it, & if this sort of thing was the price to pay, then I’ll pay it.

ME: But you held him off for a long time. He’s belly aching through the book, his schemes to get you into bed, to pose nude. Once he’s booking the rooms & asks you two rooms or one? And you politely excuse yourself due to exhaustion; you must get a good night’s sleep. You were smart with excuses, you probably had your feminine ways, as he says, but you overall seemed docile & submissive.

MM: I topped from the bottom. I gave the impression of being docile, submissive, which was to a point. I can only compare this to your life, when you got together with nasty people to get something out of them, how you endured. You wanted to learn mind over matter & hypnosis, so you put up with that Putz NutOn for a couple years, then when you couldn’t stand it any more, you left. Then you endured Rev Judy Swaggart as you wanted to learn faith healing & how to channel, she was horrible, you took all you could for six years. She used you, but you got what you wanted. Because of her, today you can channel anyone – she got you started, you worked on it, vuallah.

ME: OK, so we & perhaps many people are doing the exact same thing, to get someone to do what we want, we put up with a lot of shyt. But this man tries to tell us that you loved him as he loved you. I think you only had sex with him during that snowstorm, & I suspect you might have done it again to get him to destroy all the nudes he took.

MM: No, I never loved him, he repulsed me as a man. I couldn’t stand him, his personality or his demands, just exactly as you felt. I believe you got it right about the sex. It was almost non existent, but he just kept hanging on.

ME: In the books Taschen made of his images of you they said, ‘he helped launch her model career &, a few years later, a film career that was to make her a legend.’ Did he help you & how?

MM: Absolutely not. I guarantee he did nothing for my film career – absolutely nothing. He could have, but he didn’t want to. All he wanted was to tie me down as his wife, have sex with me & take pics of me for his own portfolio – he was not about me, he was about him & his desires.

ME: OK, but he hung around you until a year before your death, even though he was married twice during that time. I noticed on your Wikipedia page, he is not mentioned, dozens of people are. Like Johnny Hyde, Vice President of William Morris, who was your agent, you his mistress. So Andre’s claims are empty. Describe what exactly he was, what he was not.

MM: He was a hanger on, hoping some day I’d have sex with him again, but I never did. He explains one time where I came to him asking to take pictures, of a different sort as I usually wanted, of myself as a real person, but he begged busy-ness. Then he relented, saying he realized I needed him. And then after saying that, he goes back to the nonsense like so:

“Had she come running to me hoping I would take her in my arms? Why had I been unable to understand? I should have swept all those papers off my table, kindled a blazing fire, uncorked a bottle of good wine & proceeded to love her, just lover her as if nothing else mattered & make her forget everything else.”

This was so ridiculous; his mind could not function in any area but sex. He could not nurture me, meet me at my level of need, it all went back to he’d have sex with me & make me forget my troubles. His type is part of the reason I was depressed, anxious & miserable, because they saw me as sex, sex, & sex. They didn’t listen to me or serve my needs; it was always their penis, penis, & penis.

And I had no proper parenting, I had Attachment Disorder. Mom was mentally ill; Dad abandoned me, so I was an orphan. Yes, some of my foster parents were wonderful people, but it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t an absolute bond, I lived in many places with many people as a child, up until 16 when I married a man I hardly knew to gain independence.

ME: So why did you allow Andre to remain in your life, why didn’t you tell him to take a hike?

MM: You’ve known dozens of men like him. You keep them as ‘spare tires,’ in case something comes up, you need a friend, you need this or that, & they might be available. Yes he was annoying when he tried to kiss me, I found him repulsive, just like that man who tried to kiss you when you were celibate but were thinking of going back to sex, he drove hours to see you so he could be first in line. But you decided to remain celibate. And when he found that out, he left your house even though it was 1AM.

ME: But you had sex with many important men who were also repulsive – Wikipedia names Joseph M. Schenck & Johnny Hyde.

MM: When a man is important & does serious things for you, you can overlook his appearance.

ME: About myself. You kept telling me at one time, ‘Be a movie star, it’s easy.’ I was in show biz like you, but my life took different turns. Could I have been like you or Jayne Mansfield or some other star? Would I have had what it takes?

MM: We spoke about this before. Indeed, you could have been one of the movie stars, but the roles you took on in life were better than that. You established female body building for the empowerment of women. It changed their image & behavior forever. You Stripped for God & danced to save souls, no woman in history ever did that. You preached in front of the White House through this – it got 3 major leaders into office & stopped the threat of nuclear annihilation. What does being a movie star, compare to that? You chose the better parts. Look what being a movie star got me.

ME: So I did not miss anything by leaving Hollywood on my own road, doing what I did.

MM: You not only missed nothing, you dodged some bullets. For you the things I did, having sex with important men would have been impossible. You were, in fact, solicited by one of the chiefs of William Morris for sex – you said no. You would have said no to many of these men & incurred their wrath, one of them might have paid someone to hurt you – especially if you took that starring role in Las Vegas.

ME: You’re right, I had a foreboding about that. It seems that in my life, the forces of Hell have been unleashed against me, but I won. My Guardian Angels protected me. There were so man instances where men wanted to murder me, even women, I explained some of it in Part 3.

MM: Your life is extremely valuable to the work of God. You volunteered to come back to earth, even after having secured an eternal place in Heaven. You know about this, I am seeing it & saying it. You arrived on earth as an Avatar. Yes, the forces of Hell have been unleashed, & you need protection, so you have 3 powerful angels. You will be remembered long after you are dead, & not only for your appearance.

ME: There isn’t much time left for me on earth, do you see this movie being a success? Will I live to see it? Will I live for this gas & oil on my land being drilled?

MM: Yes to both. And you will also obtain the companionship of your young husband.

ME: What do you see for this life story movie?

MM: It will be extremely successful, winning Academy Awards for the movie & the star. You will gain great notoriety & lots of money, it’ll be a new lease on life for you, as you have grown tired & disappointed, like I was at the end, then you will be revived. And yes, they will begin the gas & oil process while you’re alive.

ME: Why did you kill yourself, on purpose or an accident?

MM: I didn’t care any more if I lived or died. I took some pills, then got groggy, forgot how many I took & took some more. I had the worst insomnia imaginable, worse than what you suffer. I had fear, that is what it was, a sense of doom over me. And it was all because I had no love, no parental love, no God’s love, no kind of love. I was just being hounded by men’s lust & women’s jealousy – I had no friends I could count on that were the real deal – they all wanted something out of me, my body, my fame or fortune. I did not have the inner life you have, the walk with God, I was all alone in my body.

ME: You know I’ve been to hell & back, why did you not survive but I have?

MM: Because you have the Weapons of Spiritual Warfare – I didn’t, or at least, not strong like yours. You’re strong, I was weak. You were sent from Heaven as a volunteer, you’re like Jesus. You came to help others, you were an evolved soul in a previous lifetime, & in this life, were armed with great Gifts of the Holy Spirit. I was an ordinary girl & I could not overcome the trials & tribulations I came across. It was my time to go.

I had achieved what few women could ever dream of, I became the number one gorgeous movie star in the world, the absolute pinnacle of success. What more was there to prove? It would have been downhill after that, not that that’s bad, I mean it’s normal to grow old. But I had done what I did & could not overcome my internal phobias, I was haunted. Had I kept living my life would have been miserable, I could not find happiness. I could not get healing.

I know what you’re thinking – why could I not find God? Not everyone can, I could not. It wasn’t meant to be. But I lived a successful life & my legacy will live on for millions to continue gazing at my images & movies, & they will be entertained & made happy so it was a good life although I suffered.

If a woman or man like you helped me, I could have made it. But I had no such person.

You made it because of a powerful Faith, Hope, Trust & Confidence in God, as well as many virtues & gifts. You are armed so the forces of Hell cannot defeat you, though they have tried hard. Don’t give up believing now, your future isn’t terribly long but it’s very bright. Your name will be in lights again, you’ll be so happy; your enemies will run in fright, they will be chastised.

ME: Wow, what a testament. Thank you Marilyn, rest in peace. We might speak again another day. {End channeling, end Chapter 11}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

CHARACTERS IN MY LIFE

Chapter 10 – The Names I Gave Characters in My Life

– Early Life

Here are the theatrical names I gave the significant people in my life & why:

MEDUSA: Is Mom, in fact, she gave this name to herself {as I channeled} to personify her bad traits, each snake coming out of her head is a vice, such as: Serial abortionist {7}, liar, deceiver, traitor, abuser, animal abuser, psychopath…… Wikipedia: “one of the three monstrous Gorgons, generally described as winged human females with living venomous snakes in place of hair. Those who gazed into her eyes would turn to stone.”

DON QUIXOTE &/or SIR LANCELOT: Is Dad. First, because he pursued an impossible dream of happiness with Mom – she didn’t love him after the first year, but he wouldn’t leave her. Second, he was a great ‘Knight’ like Sir Lancelot, but he was flawed, not a perfect Saint. Wikipedia: “Just as Shakespeare wrote in no genre, Don Quixote is tragedy as well as comedy.”…..

SANCHO PANZA: Marius Bernotas, the new lover / live in boy friend of Mom, who lived with us for maybe two years, then Dad got us a farm, where we lived with Marius – Dad was supposed to join us but never did. Dad was living in a dream created by Mom – that they were still a couple, she was not having sex with Marius, & this was perpetrated by her probably to retain support. This dream died after a year when she told him she couldn’t stand him any more. Mom told Dad that her latest child was his, while she told Marius the same thing – each man believed it & tug-of-wars ensued with shouting matches of ‘Give me my child!’

I named Marius Sancho Panza as he followed Dad in the dream that could never be; he was led by foolish notions & got fooled. I was with Dad when he went to Marius to offer room & board with us for $6 a week {in 1951 or “52.} Marius didn’t know what he was getting into. Mom had first an affair with our young priest but tired of him, then she picked on Marius, the Church organist. Marius was handsome I thought, but emotionally excitable. I liked him, as I liked most people. I did not then even imagine Mom having an affair with him—I didn’t know what sex was, being 6. Sancho Panza, by following Don Quixote, thought he would achieve something, but there was no success, Marius suffered, had a nervous meltdown of sorts when he chased Mephisto {explained below} down the street with a knife, then got thrown out of our house into a tiny room behind the garage, where he played the piano reverberating through the night. He was never allowed in the house again, eventually leaving us. Last time I saw him I was maybe 10 years old, bumped into him on the street in Freehold, he had no teeth, seemed desperate for some sort of contact / connection / love, but it wasn’t to be. All that hard work! He worked his fingers to the bone on the ‘homestead,’ & after a while, we couldn’t make it, he held down two jobs, all for naught.

MEPHISTOPHELES: A young woman fifteen years my senior – they adopted her from Lithuania, a distant relative, as she lost her parents to the war. She became the best friend of Mom, Medusa Jr. of sorts, brainwashed by her as was my brother. She was a bully, mostly a good person but sided with Mom in demoralizing me. She did good things but believed in Mom’s version of reality in exchange for what? Number 2 position in Mom’s Mafia, Godmother 1 & 2. Forty two years after Mom’s death, she still maintains that Mom & bro, the two abusers, were good guys. So of course the abuse I got was warranted, except, she claims, there was no abuse, I am a liar & deluded.

Why Mephistopheles? In the story of Faust, Mephistopheles was not Satan but worked for him – he collected the doomed souls. And so, this person was not the original leader but influenced & controlled the weaklings & sheep, all of whom knew ‘what side their bread was buttered on.’ After Mom’s death ‘Mempho’ {for short}, maintained the party line. It was politically correct to go against Rasa & you were doomed if you were for her. None of them wanted to be ‘outside’ the family graces, so they obeyed.

PAUL BUNYAN: My Uncle Henry, who I adored along with Aunt Dagmar, his wife. He was a jolly, fun-loving, life of the party guy, handsome, charming, masculine, up to a lot of hard work or even a good fight if warranted. He played the accordion at all our festivities, he joked, he was physically strong, worked like a horse, besides a full-time job, built a second floor onto their house as well as a two-car garage & beautiful stone walls around their driveway. He was admirable in many ways. His one flaw is he helped thwart my relationship with a handsome young, wealthy boy named Danny Grant – he was jealous. Then after a falling out with my Aunt over this episode, he took me on a ‘ride’ & was planning to rape me, but my guardian angels stopped him.

He’s Paul Bunyan because of masculine qualities.

I might add that he hated my Mom because Mom tried to break him up with Aunt Dagmar when they were courting. He knew, like my Dad did, that I was being abused by Mom but did nothing about it. No one wanted to ‘get into trouble’ for standing up for me.

UGLY STEPMOTHER from Cinderella: My Aunt Dagmar who turned ugly on me when I turned teenager. Her hatred of me came from Mom, a victim of brainwash. She also hated sex – anyone that had sex outside of marriage was evil {except Mom} – & being in the adult trade, showing one’s body nude or dancing nude on stage – was a major sin. God would not have anything to do with such people. She also was prejudiced against just about everyone, minorities, blacks, Puerto Ricans, people who dreamed dreams or had mystical qualities or visions were crazy. I had first known her with great love & was really sad to see her turn against me. She did not speak to me for 23 years because of Mom. I broke the ice when my husband died, called her, she was by now ready to bury the hatchet. She said she didn’t know I was being abused. Did she ever ask? No, they all listened to my Mom, took her side as the truth without ever questioning me – Only Uncle Henry & Dad knew she was lying, but neither one of them ever asked me anything. They knew if they knew the details they might have to do something, & God forbid they’d get into trouble for helping me, so better not ask.

Mom used her for money the way she often did to people. I was there when Bro Jimmy had spent 3 weeks in the hospital with pneumonia. Mom asked Dagmar to pick him up. But they would not release him unless his bill was paid. It was 16k – in 1960 that would be $145,510.81 & DAGMAR WROTE A CHECK FOR IT! She seemed shocked but didn’t know what to do – what a sucker she was.

Later Mom wanted to buy my brother a business & there was a lady in her employ at the Reader’s Digest who liked him. She conned her into borrowing 10k from her – which in 1963 today is worth $87,972. She never paid her back. But Dagmar did repay her from Mom’s estate I was told. {From 1963 to 1979 that money could have made her money in the stock market or at least interest – but I’m sure all she got back was the original 10k, if what I’m told is true, that Aunt Dagmar paid her.}

RIGOLETTO: Was my evil brother, who was never a brother to me but an enemy. He was a weakling, a loser, his whole life amounted to Mr. Ordinary, & that, only because he was given a business & a wife, had he not been spoiled & supported by Mom & Mephisto, it would have been worse. So being propped up, he made it through. But he started life in High School with a flash. Captain of the football team, President of his class, salutatorian because he was President, he was popular & a big snob who pretended he didn’t know me when passing in the hall. He spent that year we were in H.S. together bringing Mom inflated & twisted stories about me, which she conveyed to Dad to show his love on me was wasted.

Our years together were a mixed bag. We played all the games – volleyball, baseball, horseshoe, croquet, bows & arrows {which we made ourselves}, all kinds board games, wrestling in the wheat field. He was the partner that helped hone my physical skills.

But he also had no heart. At age 10 he got a stick & they gave him a pocket knife. He got a bright idea: Whittle that stick into a spear with a 5” head, con Rasa to run with it spear up, pointed at her crotch, the cobblestones will stop her at some point, the spear will impale her by her vagina – what fun. My being only 7, I fell into his trap, wanting to prove I could run & not hit a cobblestone, I did as he suggested. Boom, of course I was eventually stopped, but the dear Lord diverted that spear from my crotch to my left thigh, making a flesh wound that was halfway or more through my leg. Mom did not take me to the doc for fear bro would get into trouble, she poured a bottle of iodine on it & put me to bed – it took weeks to heal, not being sewn up, the biggest scab anyone ever saw. I was at a pool with the scab & dozens of kids came by to see it, it was so enormous. I didn’t go into the water because of it, of course, just sat there.

He did many other cruel things, explained in Part 2 of my life. He is Rigoletto because he was a cruel jester {in an opera by Verdi}. He wanted to take revenge on someone but it backfired on him. My brother wanted to hurt me, & did hurt me, but God protected me; Whereas my bro was accident prone, lost a finger in his teens, then an eye – half his face collapsed from that – was that his karma for evil? He was voted ‘Most likely to succeed’ in school – what a joke.

Because of family he graduated college – he did not work his way through, he was given room & board & whatever by them, but he could not get a job with his degree, applying for ‘editor’ type work. He tried to sell Kirby vacuum cleaners but never sold ONE. He opened up a landscape / lawn biz, but that failed. Not until Mom bought him a floristry business did he do ok for a while, but it never flourished, just coasted through.

He also could not get himself a wife. When he took females out he never spoke – the strong, silent type – haha, or is it the weak, dumb type? I know this for sure as you could not carry on an intelligent conversation with him & he never spoke when he drove me some place, {usually Church every Sunday, he was one of those fakes who goes to Church out of habit} he would obsessively turn the radio dial back & forth, back & forth, tires squealing as he went around curves & trying to hit any rabbit that might cross the road. In the 90’s I found the numbers of my old school chums– 6 or 7 of them. Two of the females, who were the most beautiful girls in my class – Barbara & Sally {will not give last names to retain their privacy} said they dated him! That turned my stomach, to imagine him groping them. They both said it was spooky as he never said a word! {It seems appropriate to add here that there were several attractive, interesting males in his class, but did he fix me up with them? Indeed, he did the opposite, pretended he didn’t even know me, shunned me when we met in school!}

Here comes Mom to save the day. There was a wonderful, beautiful female working under her employ at the Reader’s Digest, a secretary, bro’s age. She fixed them up, they got married & had three lovely children. If it wasn’t for Mom, Mephisto, & this good wife, would have become of him? Probably a bum / alcoholic on skid row or the like – he went to AA to get their ‘cure’.

PS He did get to Heaven where he’s eternally next to Mom or in the ‘same space’. I saw that from ages ago – her waiting for him – he was the only person she ever loved. And God showed them where I was – in a bright light in the lap of Pope Pius XII representing Our Lord. We were in a theater, I on the stage with the Holy Father, they in the balcony in a DIM LIGHT. God wanted me to see where they were in Heaven, & wanted them to see who it was they abused. So they saw.

Later Mom appeared in a dream offering something that I think represented love, it was a garment over the body like a sweater, a gift for me. And bro showed me a green salad, to say, ‘Look at my victory; I made it,’ rejoice with me.’ OK, I’m glad you guys made it.

Then after that he appeared to me twice. The first time I only heard his voice & he said, ‘Help my children.’ I thought he meant with money, so I declined, after all, they weren’t even friendly to me. I hold no hard feelings, I told him, but I don’t care to give your kids money. {Sure, if they were kind to me, kept in touch, greeted me for Christmas & Holidays at least, I’d splurge on them – but they don’t. All the youth of our family treat me, one of my friends said, ‘Like you don’t exist.’ And some of them I was sending big bucks to, then I stopped, as they didn’t even say ‘thanks’ – I had to ask them, ‘Did you get the check for 6k?’ & they’d make excuses to say why they were too busy to let me know or say Merry Christmas – too busy to send an e mail! – So no kindness, no money for you.}

But then he appeared again while we were in a prayer group, & asked again ‘Help my children,’ & then I knew he meant spiritually. So of course I am sending them Spiritual Grace, whether they accept it or not is up to them. There are more details on him in Book 2, where I channel him, it’s eye opening. Case closed.

OTHELLO: My first husband, an evil man, he’s Othello because he tried to strangle me TWICE, my Guardian Angels saved me. The second time I grabbed the baby & ran, got the super of the building to go back in with me while I collected my things, took a cab to a motel in far off Hollywood, & got a job working as a model {you will see the images of me age 20 in these books—in a sense, lucky that I left him at that time & had to work that way, as images are forever – & they voted me ‘one of the most beautiful women of the ages’ in St. Martin’s Press because of it.} I went back to care take him because he got a third bout of cancer. For my reward he – just before dying – cancelled his life insurance, leaving the baby & me penniless. I mean with less than 5 bucks to my name. {He was revengeful for what I did not do – I’d been raped & impregnated by Mr. Southern California, Bill McCardle, on a modeling job – he wanted to believe it was consensual. So I got punished again & again, getting raped, getting pregnant by it, then the life insurance cancelled because of it.}

He spent 55 years in Purgatory paying for his sins. He ascended the day I told God I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. I had been seeing him in Purgatory for 36 years but the visions were unpleasant, he still harbored hate toward me {the last straw was when God told him I married a second time, & my good husband left me a huge sum of money – & this made him not glad but ANGRY} – So I said to God not to show him to me again. But years later I rescinded that; 55 years gone by, my charity caused his ascension. There’s more on this creature in Part 2 of my life including channeling – greatly revealing, amazingly, he informed me he was TWICE AS BAD AS MY MOM – look how long I spent in Purgatory, twice her time. I agreed but what a stretch, like saying ‘I was twice as bad as Hitler.’

SAINT ESQUIRE: A best friend, attorney, who did marvelous things for me, treated me like a Queen, made me a birthday cake one year {to make up for the one Mom refused to accept, that my gf baked!}, carried my luggage up six flights of stairs when I returned from a job. He took me out every weekend for months – {I was celibate, platonic.} We used to meet at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel {had drinks, once ate at their ‘Bull & Bear’ restaurant}, usually went elsewhere for dinner, went to shows, theater, all the things New York has to offer. He was a total gentleman & restored my self esteem as a woman. This made up for so many pains & put downs from family & other creeps. He remained my best friend for ten years; he helped me build my lucrative business. I will speak more of him elsewhere.

THE GENTLE GIANT: This was my second & sainted husband, Richard Von Werder. He & St. Esquire made up in a huge way, the many transgressions done to me. He treated me like royalty, he helped me so much I can’t even count the ways, & when sadly, he died, in my house, of a heart attack, he provided for me for the rest of my life. Through him God compensated me for much suffering – Will be more on him elsewhere.

MY ‘FRED ASTAIRE’: Not the real Fred Astaire – {I saw the real one once in Beverly Hills, I was leaving a bank with a long, wide set of polished cement stairs – he bounded up sprightly, just like his movies, I stared.} This is a friend who reminds me of Fred. Fred could & would do anything – sing, act & dance, & my friend Jack also did anything for me, & was voted ‘The Best Slave of the Year’ by Hustler Erotic Video. He was also charming, sweet, affable, with a terrific sense of humor, & while he was with me, made my life 10 times easier. I shall never forget the time he spent 3 months with me in the summer. He cleaned my house, including the windows, then he acted in my videos where he did anything called for, no matter how strange, like pretending to let a female put out a lighted cigarette in his mouth {we put water in his mouth ahead of time.} He helped me with production of the videos – Then the ‘piece de resistance.’ I had been trying to move out of Brooklyn with dozens of car treks as well as a van & a truck. We had made a dozen trips, my male friends & I. But still, the furniture was there. I was so exhausted from all this I couldn’t take it any more. I told Jack ‘You have to do something for me, & I really need this favor, it’s serious.’ He awaited my command. ‘You have to get me out of B’klyn, all the furniture & appliances.’ What did he say? It was yes, & he got me out of B’klyn, finally! This man could & would do anything for me – one in a million! He’s alive & well working with baseball players in Florida, the greatest of men.

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

PRIESTS & PROSTITUTES

Continue Chapter 9 – Priests & Prostitutes 6-14-21

Before I get to the ideal priest & friend, who did not share 99% of the world’s condemnation & judgment of those in the adult trade, I have one more priest to harp on.

I shall call him ‘Fr Vivacious’ of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Church in Greenpoint, B’klyn, close to where I lived. I had been going to the Lithuanian Church called Annunciation, only 3 blocks from me & enjoyed it much – the ambience of a Gothic, old-fashioned edifice is the best.

But I switched to Our Lady of Mt Carmel Church, can’t recall why, which was 5 blocks away, in the Italian neighborhood – wanted to try it at first because Our Lady of Mt Carmel is the day I was born – July 16.

{In fact, it comes to important attention that I was born on the terrible day the first atomic bomb was dropped in White Sands, New Mexico, 1945, but also the day of the Lady who is Peace. This striking contradiction has a lot to do with my earthly mission – to help end this age of war & bring about peace – the way it is being done is known by God & God alone pulls the strings. But I was part of it in giving the speech in front of the White House on June 16, 1978. Our Lady of Fatima’s message was mine – She asked that we pray the rosary for the conversion of Russia, or ‘Nations will be annihilated.’ At the time we were in a terrible Cold War, both we & Russia were in an arm’s race that could blow up the whole world, the peace movement was desperate. Our Lady stepped in; She had many times before, to prevent this – which would have been World War III. She chose me to give her speech. She said, ‘in the end, my Immaculate heart will Triumph.’

Amazing things happened, such as a Pope from behind the Iron Curtain being elected! Reagan & Gorbachev were important factors. The Pope being shot, surviving, & the minute he wakes up he ASKS FOR THE PAPERS ON FATIMA! He has the bullet they removed from him inserted into the CROWN OF OUR LADY OF FATIMA! And then HE CONSECRATES RUSSIA TO THE IMMACULATE HEART OF MARY! I give the entire story on my website called Kellie Everts or I Strip for God – this account is also featured in a couple of my books.}

I became friends with Father Vivacious some time before 1978 because when I went to dance at the Playboy Club for 3 months, I recall writing him a letter to ask his advice. He answered me & what struck me as odd is that he did not SIGN the letter, only TYPED his name! {So if anyone criticized him for writing a letter to me he could deny it?}

I recall I told him my time in Chicago would be dedicated to missionary work; I would use it as an opportunity. Every Sunday we were off, & so, I got literature printed up on how to say the rosary & stood on the street {not too warm in Jan., sometimes, a biting cold wind on the streets of Chicago!} handing this out to people. This went on maybe 3 weeks – I had 3 months so there was time – but one day, an inner voice said to me,

“Stop handing out the literature.”

I thought it must be the devil saying this, so I continued, but now, no one – not one single soul – would take my tracts.

I then decided maybe it was God, & right nearby was a modern Cathedral. I went there, sat to the back left, remember clearly, and said to God,

“Ok, if you don’t want me to hand out literature, what do you want me to do?”

The answer was,

“Go to the media, the newspapers, Television, & ask to be interviewed. You’ll reach many more people that way.”

“But who will be interested?” I said, & the answer was,

“You haven’t tried.”

Ok, I had my marching orders. Then began the biggest effort on my part I had ever conducted, to get the news to my side. I first contacted the Chicago Press Bulletin, the biggest paper, & got the syndicated columnist, Bob Greene, to do a story. It was sensational, & that was only the beginning.

After that, I appeared in every publication in Chicago, even the black paper, the Chicago Defender. I did every talk show being conducted in Chicago, & not only that, I went to the office of the managing editor of Playboy & convinced him to do another story. He at first objected, but I kept asking & he finally gave in, & not only was one story done, but they put me in ‘sex in the news’ several times after that plus a pic of me after I preached in front of the White House.

The TV shows, I got copies, & they were played in the lounge of the Playboy club where the whole cast could see them. Were some of them jealous! They claimed I was only ‘working to publicize myself’ instead of the show’ but I was working for God. I blitzed Chicago early in 1978. I proved to myself what could be done if I tried.

But that is not the story I intended to write here. I wanted to explain how Father Vivacious betrayed me as everyone else had done, for being in the adult trade.

When I got back to New York City, I was contacted by a new TV show they were going to syndicate, called ‘National Graffiti.’ I let them film me – this was seen by producer George Schlatter, who had a giant hit with ‘Laugh In’. Because of my story he took over this show & turned it into ‘Real People’ – I was the first star.

‘Real People’ opened up my segment with me climbing the steps of the modern Church, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, where I used to chat with Father Vivacious in his office.

But when the show hit the air, the Italians who were the parishioners, were shocked that I, a woman in the adult trade, dare to enter their Church, & have myself filmed climbing their steps. They felt invaded & violated by this scarlet woman. How dare Father Vivacious be friends with me!

I recall around the same time, I was playing basketball with boys in the grounds of a nearby religious building; a man came out & said I shouldn’t be there playing ball with young men because I had posed nude in Playboy! {None of us listened to him & kept playing.}

From then on, I was frozen out. I’d call Fr V & he’d be out, or busy. This happened time & time again, until I finally got the hint, he didn’t want me there or couldn’t. Perhaps the new Pastor forbid it.

I met the new man in a local bakery; he introduced himself to me sounding proud of his position,

“I am the new Pastor at Our Lady of Mt Carmel.’

And when I went to the Church he was there & stopped me, saying,

“Fr Vivacious has to go have dinner now, it’s important to keep up his health – he must eat well.”

They were both FAT. I thought of St. Francis of Assisi & other saints – they did not eat well, it was not a rule of the Church. I was also told this, I know its gossip but I’m not giving names. A secretary that worked there told me she had seen the Pastor & Fr V kissing one another. I objected, saying,

“It was a brotherly kiss.”

But she said,

“No, it was on the lips.”

I figured she was nuts, but after a year I was saddened to hear Fr V was gone, he’d been sent to a ‘rest’ or ‘rehab’ center’ by the Church {the Pastor said so from the pulpit, yes, I still went to Mass there} – don’t know where or what happened, still saddened that he froze me out of his life because of people’s criticism. But the point here is that only Jesus Christ, & those like him, defend the ‘woman caught in adultery.’ The rest throw stones, why do I expect any better? It’ll never end, it will always be the same, people are brainwashed by Patriarchy, until Matriarchy emerges, we will be slut shamed & ostracized, get used to it, Rasa. No exceptions. But remember Jesus said,

“Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone,’ and also, to the Pharisees,

“The prostitutes will go into Heaven before you.”

Fr. Depaul Genska – Jesus Comes to Life

Which brings me to Fr Depaul Genska. He was the most wonderful Christlike figure. He came to visit me several times, & even came to where I worked in New York, & visited me in Chicago.

This is the favorite quote I have of his. I told him my Aunt Ara chided me for praying for my Mom as she was dying of cancer, she said,

“How dare you pray, god will not hear you BECAUSE YOU SELL YOUR BODY!”

I TOLD THIS TO Fr Depaul and he said,

“And SCHOOL TEACHERS SELL THEIR BRAINS.”

Fr Depaul became involved with prostitutes when two of them hitch hiked a ride & got into his vehicle, introduced themselves to him. They became friends. He studied how to help the working women, wrote a great thesis, {he gave me his syllabus or course & said I could do with it what I will. I plan to publish it some day} & began to teach this ministry at Catholic Theological Union. There he not only spoke in a classroom setting, but took people ‘on the stroll’ to the habitats where these therapists worked.

He was totally non judgmental & non condemnatory – & he concluded, as many of those educated have, WE ARE ALL PROSTITUTES.

But Cardinal Cody {Chicago’s Cardinal who went down in scandal later on} ‘didn’t understand.’ & at one point took away his ‘faculties,’ which means prevented him from acting as a priest – which rendered him unemployed. Luckily, he had a priest friend who gave him work on the sly at his church.

In conclusion & in honor of Fr. Depaul I will give some info about him following – He died in 2010 I just found out:

Depaul (nee: George) was born on May 5, 1931 in Syracuse NY. He died Sept. 13, 2010 at the Holy Name Friary in Ringwood, N.J., age 79, {RIP dear friend.}

George entered the minor Franciscan seminary in Callicoon, NY, in third year high school (1947). He received his further education in the seminary system of Holy Name Franciscan Province. In the novitiate he took the name “Depaul” after St. Vincent de Paul; and “Anthony” after St. Anthony of Padua.

Depaul was ordained on April 25, 1958. After several ministerial assignments on the east coast, he enrolled in September 1978 at Catholic Theological Union in Chicago. CTU is a school of ministry in the Catholic tradition. His studies concentrated on how to minister with persons in the sex industry. Depaul became involved with persons in prostitution in June 1972 in New York City. He received a MTS degree (Masters in Theological Studies) in 1980. For his MTS thesis, he designed a course on “The Dynamics of Heterosexal* Prostitution”. He taught the initial course during the Spring Quarter of 1980.

While at CTU, providentially, Depaul met a lay missionary from England. She had similar interests as Depaul in heterosexual prostitution. In October 1983, they founded Genesis House – a place of hospitality and nurturing for women in prostitution who earnestly desire to change their life-style.

Depaul prefers to call prostitution not just female prostitution but rather heterosexual prostitution. There are more men involved in “female” prostitution than there are women. For every woman (prostitute) there are conservatively ten men – customers, pimps. Without the demand on the men’s part, there would be no supply on the women’s part. Thanks to Dr. Jean-Guy Nadeau for this insight……Prostitution is older than Christianity!

PS The End of Professor Catholic & Me

{written 6-18-21}

To explain how the great professor at two Universities, was fazed out of my life. I might add that I was praying with him every Sunday for 3 years – he was my best friend as I had no one else at the time {my choice – because why? I only wanted to talk about God.}

Prof Fish {meaning Christian} liked me a lot, at first just platonic friend, later, there was indication he was trying to win me as a female – {that of course was nipped in the bud for more than one reason. One, I was celibate, two, not attracted to him & three, he was married.} He did get the hint & behaved thereafter. I know you’re curious. OK, so I might as well explain. One evening he called me & said he was stuck in the city, could he sleep in my place? He was too tired to take the train home {somewhere upstate I think.} A bit nervous, I said yes. He came over, & when he saw I arranged a spot for him on the couch, he wasn’t ‘tired’ any more & left – ha-ha.

The Prof. read my writings on the Divine Stigmata & said they deserved to be published – but time dragged on, he never did anything about it. I knew of one company that published such books – ‘Cross Roads.’ So, tired of waiting for him, I sent my work to them & unfortunately, included an image of myself {fully clothed} as well as I was a friend of Prof. Fish.

And so Prof Fish calls me soon after that, with trembling voice, tells me he walked into Cross Roads one day {he was on their board of directors} & they asked him how did he know THE STRIPPER KELLIE EVERTS? Someone recognized me! {Yes I was foolish to reveal myself to some degree, but you’re young & dumb before getting old & wise} & at that very moment, I knew it was over between us.

I didn’t even bother to call him. I figured if he called me & tried to remain friends, we’d do so. But he didn’t seem eager to keep talking, so I saw the writing on the wall & knew another day, another ostracism. Three years my best friend, gone in one day – the woman ‘caught in the adult trade’ stoned against the wall by the men, none of whom was without sin.

I will channel Prof. Fish. Although I couldn’t find his obituary, he’s probably dead as he’d be over 100 now. OK, Prof. Fish, were you through with me when the publishers confronted you with my being a stripper?

PROF. FISH: It was a sad day for me, as I really liked you. I felt on some level that you had deceived me, but I also knew you had to, as if you had told me the truth from the get go, our friendship could not have transpired, we could not have related as we did, I would have seen you as a sex object & I would have been afraid to be seen with you in public. As sad as it was, I knew we had to part – my profession & yours didn’t mix.

ME: Did you not see, however, that you were going against the teachings of Jesus Christ by being afraid to be friends with someone in the adult trade? And didn’t you feel that hurting me would be wrong? You knew I was an authentic saintly person, you knew my experiences were real & my Divine Stigmata was real – you did believe in me. {You asked me the foolish question, did the Stigmata hurt, but you didn’t ask me to explain it.}

So here’s an authentic spiritual mystic you’re friends with, but she just happens to have to make a living dancing & showing her body – not because she wants to or gets a thrill out of it – because she has to to make a living – & you know this woman for three years, you know she is none of those wicked things society blames us for. We had prayed together for 3 years. And yet, in one moment, the entire relationship is over, you repudiate me, I am no good to be friends with. Don’t you see how spiritually wrong that is, that you couldn’t put your morality where your titles were? Your being a leader of spirituality was a sham.

PROF FISH: Yes, I was a sham. I was book learned in spirituality, I could answer most questions, but I could not do what a saint would do. I was one of those people who was pleased to be a high-standing member of society, people respected me – they did not respect you. But who will have a higher place in Heaven? Many women in the adult trade, bordellos, street walkers & the like, have better places in Heaven than the one who were respected. Some of these women are saints, but no one believes it. The world’s judgments are not God’s, I was of the world, respected & loved, you were & are by some, looked down upon. You are in a safer spiritual place than the respectable. Don’t be sad or depressed for how people treat you; represent God, that is all. Don’t pay attention to people is the best advice anyone can get – people know nothing, God knows all. Amen. {End channeling}

ME: You speak the truth, Prof., thanks, & RIP.

PS Fr. DePaul Needs My Prayers re a Woman

An interesting incident with Fr. DePaul. One day he came to my place in Brooklyn & asked me for prayer. He was in trouble. A woman he’d befriended had been after him for marriage- a black lady. I told him, why don’t you tell her you can’t as you’re a priest? He said he couldn’t do that – but didn’t explain why.

That to me didn’t make sense as I thought all the women he ministered to knew he was a celibate priest. So to try to frame it in my mind I figured he ministered to women, not always revealing being a priest for some reason. In those days, the 70’s none of us devout Catholics ever thought of priests breaking their vows or doing anything unGodly like pedophilia. We thought if it happens, it’s rare. Most priests are faithful, some are saints. That’s why a lot of mothers & other people would get mad when a boy or girl told them they’d been messed with by a priest – it was unbelievable, we were mentally unready to accept such a thing.

So I fervently prayed with & for Fr. Depaul about the lady. The next time I saw him I asked, what happened with her? He said HE NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN. So the prayer worked.

It was years later that I mused about the subject & thought is there some kind of possibility that Fr. had SEX with any of these women? Not that I judged or condemned him, just wondered. Could it be why Cardinal Cody took his faculties away, because he found out? As prior to that, just teaching, ministering & taking people ‘on the stroll’ would not warrant defrocking him from priesthood. I decided to channel Fr. DePaul. I asked him, why did he want to minister to prostitutes? He answered:

FR. DEPAUL: It was fun, more fun than being with fuddy duddy priests all the time, the women’s lives were colorful, dramatic, & I was a part of them.

ME: Did you have sex with any of them or serious affairs?

FR. DEPAUL: I had relationships with them, mostly platonic. They saw me as a ‘Father figure,’ one who would stand by them, help in emergencies, there was not much hanky panky going on, it was 95% ministry, maybe some fun once in a while, which was not the main part of my activities or focus.

ME: Enough said. I do believe sincerely that priests should be allowed marriage, or date & have sex if they wish {sex between consenting adults is not a sin} – they’re human. And of course, they should ordain women. The Catholic Church will not remain forever with their policies, Patriarchy is phasing out, matriarchy is coming in, & no matter how powerful this Church is now, it will fade out. Thanks for your friendship, Father & RIP. He thanks me & says he’s looking out for me, to continue doing my work as it’s blessed. {End Chapter 9}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Creepiest Club Owner & Ostracism

Creepiest Club Owner - Ostracism - Priests & Nuns 6-13-21

It was toward the end of my dancing career of 21 years – Six years as a go go dancer in Southern California, then 15 years from Coast to Coast & the last few years, mostly Canada, my last job when I bowed out was 1987 {was still in great demand, got the highest offers I’d ever gotten.} It was 1984 when I met the creepiest club owner I’d ever met, & it was a strange occurrence, as when I got into town for some reason I said,

“I will never live in a place like this”

Can’t recall why my aversion. It’s an ordinary small city. Maybe because it is ordinary & I lived in the hot spots of California {Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, Beverly Hills & Hollywood} & then New York City {not hot where I lived in Williamsburg but I visited the best places in New York – dated men who took me to the Waldorf, the Plaza, 5^th Avenue eateries, & posh spots on the East Side; I used to go to the Metropolitan Opera House {was in love with Franco Corelli, – a handsome man who sold tickets at the box office said I was too beautiful to pay, gave me a free pass for myself with guests for the season!} often as well as concerts & Broadway Shows.} One of my boyfriends had a pad on Sutton Place with his own elevator – Dr. Robert Atkins the diet doctor, a steady lived in Forest Hills & I spent much time there. {Not doing sex, I was celibate} Yes, I was comfortable with high brows or low brows, my life made me versatile & open minded with all.

And in 1989, I end up moving there, by the Grace of God, with a splendid property. God especially designated it for me – it was everything I ever dreamed of & it became my own private hermitage where I spent like 22 years celibate {30 years counting Brooklyn} & 10 years as a cougar!

The Nuns Who Turn Down my Application

The second strange occurrence was that I went to a convent {in that area} three nuns ran – they call it a ‘monastery’ – I went to visit them, they were looking for a new member, I wrote them later to apply – they turned me down. I had forgot about the nuns & their monastery until I had settled in to my new place. Then someone mentioned them & it rang a bell. I was told ‘these nuns produce their own wine,’ & I went there again. Sadly, by now they had found out I was a stripteaser & so, in their eyes I was not a good person, I got the cold shoulder.

Back to Mr. Creepy. I had negotiated with him over the phone, & he was one of those types that would browbeat & bamboozle you & impossible to get a good deal. We argued & argued & I had to give in as he wouldn’t budge, my salary then was between $1,500 to $2,500 in America & $2,500 to $3k in Canada {US dollars, paid by the day in my contract as I’d been ripped off by owners at the end of the week!} but he’d only agree to $1,200.

I Call the Police on Creepy

I was a blockbuster attraction when the local paper did a front-page story on me as the ‘Stripper for God.’ It was standing room only, & he charged $5 to get in. At the end of the week I knew he’d ripped me off & told him I was not going to do the second week. He went crazy. We were in the office, he started shouting & throwing things & pushing furniture about, I was so spooked out I ran out the door.

My motel was across the street. I was afraid to go back to his place to pick up my costumes, so I called the police & persuaded them to go with me. One nice highway patrol man was my escort.

But then Creepy, who knew he’d make big bucks with me the second week, sent his sainted wife. She said that her husband was all bluff & noise, he wouldn’t lay a hand on me, & she promised he wouldn’t come near me again; she herself would be there every night to protect me. Reluctantly, I stayed.

I had a co-star & an mc, both of whom were black. I asked them what they were paid – so I wasn’t the only one being cheated. It was $150 a week, believe it or not. I augmented their salaries with $100 each & brought the man food as he said he was starving every night – there were no eateries around. Someone drove me to a grocery store where I loaded up on non perishable snacks for myself & the co workers, boxes of crackers, sardines, munchies.

How & Why I Met the Nuns

There’s a good anecdote regarding the nuns – how & why I met them. {Through a Professor at a Catholic University I shall explain.}

During the year 1981 I was in total seclusion for the sake of God, to find Oneness with her, & I did become ONE. I entered Heaven, I saw her Face to Face.

During this time I wanted to discuss Mystical Theology with those who were learned. I wished to speak of nothing but God, & my knowledge of her was exalted & mystical – it wasn’t a subject for regular folk. So I started to call Catholic & Episcopalian Universities & places of learning, & spoke to educators & priests. I clearly recall three people I spoke to, one a priest, one an Episcopalian minister, & three a Professor at a top Catholic University.

The Priest spoke to me briefly, then excused himself as he had a class – did not seem interested in another conversation. The Episcopal minister was lovely & we spoke of ‘Imitation of Christ’ by Thomas A Kempis – but he insisted for further conversations we had to meet in person. This made me suspicious that he might see me as ‘sex object’ so that ended it for me.

A Top Catholic Professor Becomes my Best Friend

The third person I made a big score with. He became my best friend {I had no other friends, told everyone not to contact me} for three years. We spoke on the phone several times, he quizzed me to see if I really knew my spirituality, & I passed. Let me see if I recall his test. It was about St. Francis of Assisi, his vision of Christ Crucified. He asked me what it meant. I meditated a short time & called him back with this, {I speak approximately, this is a memory of 40 years ago}

“The Cross showed him how it feels to be helpless. The feet are nailed, so the person cannot go anywhere. The hands are nailed, so they cannot do anything. They are utterly at the mercy of fate, they can relay on no one but God, they have nothing but God.”

He seemed mightily surprised that my insight was that good. We became phone friends, & spoke & prayed together every week. He invited me for lunch at his University – & yes, he seemed surprised that I was so attractive, although I dressed down. It took me 2 ½ hours by subway to Fordham University – he was important there. He also taught at Columbia.

And so, our friendship was mostly phone but we met like three times for lunch at the school or ordinary places.

He said I had a greater ability to pray than anyone he had met. And once, he was in a stressful state & called me especially for prayer – & said it healed him.

And so, eventually I had to leave my place of seclusion & go back to work. How I loathed that! Being back in the world was a gross vibration, speaking to people who are not with God is a great penance, the world is filled with those who are not saints & never will be, don’t want to be. Most humans are lower than animals – animals are nice. The saints all said the majority of humans go to hell! Therefore, most humans we deal with are spiritually dead, living zombies, alive in flesh, dead in spirit, dangerous energies. And we have to feel these energies – this is not fun. So sadly, I am back in the world.

After a while, I was booked with the Creepy man who owned this place in the ordinary city. I told my Saint Professor that I gave LECTURES on spirituality – that I would be booked here & there, & he believed me. It wasn’t a total lie, as I did give sermons before I danced. But I knew to tell him I was a stripteaser might end our friendship – people in ‘respectable professions’ & that includes priests, don’t want the public to know they’re friends with us. Even if we don’t commit what is perceived as ‘sin’ people don’t give the benefit of the doubt & razz or tease the respectable person, or even judge & condemn them of being guilty.

{Recently I met a saintly priest – definitely saintly because I saw blue light when he prayed for me – he brought Holy Communion to me in the hospital. He’s a Hindu, I’ll call him Father Karing – I love him & gave him $100 each time he brought Communion. We were supposed to meet near my house when he came to this area. But then, there was a Reality TV show interviewing me – they wanted to speak with folks who knew me, to be on the show. I asked him if he could talk on Skype with them. He told me our friendship has to remain PRIVATE & he never called again.}

I shall channel a friend of mine in Heaven, Saint Padre Pio, about this subject. Holy Father, it hurts to be ostracized. How do you explain God putting me in this profession where I would be shunned, no matter what I do? I always think things will be different when people get to know me; they never are. Just now in the last year I became friends with two women who own shops in a nearby mall. At first, the one was nice. I dreaded to tell her or anyone about me – who I was. Eventually I did, & sure enough, she turned cold on me – especially when I showed her a couple of my books which contain nudity.

The same thing happened with my present hairdresser. We were good buddies for two years. Then she got a second employee in the shop, & business increased, there were often a couple women besides me in the shop where formerly we were alone & we both gossiped about everything. One day, I was talking about sex & child abuse, & a female was there whose daughter was there – her daughter is 15 & looked like 18 or more, I hardly paid attention. But this lady called up my hairdresser & complained that I was talking about adult subjects in front of her child, & my hairdresser got upset–not wanting me in her shop. That really hurt because the two of us were close & she told me her secrets & I told her mine – things we don’t tell too many people. But now I’m shunned. And refer also to the previous rebuffs I mentioned.

PADRE PIO {Channeling him or reading his mind}: “My daughter, do not fret about what people do to you on earth, think of your rewards in Heaven. Of course they can’t understand you, as they are brainwashed, frightened sheep. You were abused badly in your early life, but did not God compensate you later? Everything they deprived you of – love, money, resources, were given you abundantly later on. Just so, God will reward you in Heaven, if not on earth, for being misunderstood, ostracized & shunned.

This business you are in, God needed you there to set an example, to liberate others in your position. You must be strong, you have been, you proved a woman in this arena can be a great woman & save souls. Not everyone believes, but many do & many more will after you’re dead & your story is told. Right now people are hysterical about nudity & sex because the patriarchs made them so, but over the years, Patriarchy will crumble & Matriarchy will flourish, & then your example will shine. People will call you an icon of what was to come, & tearing down the walls of prejudice against women & sex. There has to be suffering in a mission like yours, you have to be strong to do it, & you must expect that you push the buttons of hysteria by being in the adult trade. More than anything, they are frightened of being criticized or shunned themselves, so they get rid of you to avoid that.

Be patient, be brave, let God comfort you if people won’t – your rewards in Heaven are great.”

ME: Thank you Padre Pio.

The Priest of Prostitutes

Now we’re on the subject, I must cite one exception, Fr DePaul Genska, the ‘Priest of Prostitutes.’

{To be continued}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

God Manages my Life

Continue Chapter 8

My First Million 6-9-21

As I said, I was floundering. Can’t recall exactly how I started selling pictures. I had a lot of fans & through some articles in magazines, where they allowed me to put my mailing address; I got their letters & started a list.

I also said how I would pay people to take photos of me; I had a lot of them, most of them on chromes or ‘slides.’ Unsatisfied with my stripping career, which was not as busy as I’d liked {I explained all that in detail, how although I made big bucks each week I worked, there weren’t that many jobs, so at the end of the year I didn’t make a lot.}

Now I did something few women would do {will explain further down}. In fact, I have to brag on myself, that of all the women in the adult trade in America – who I knew about – none of them succeeded in building a mail-order business the way I did. I created a ‘cottage industry’ one of my magazine editors called it. It started small but good.

There was one – only one place in the entire city of New York, which had a MACHINE that took slides & pushed out PHOTOS. That machine venue stayed open LATE –until like 12AM.

I would go ON THE SUBWAY, carrying hundreds of slides & hundreds of dollars, & stand at that machine, sometimes for two hours, cranking out those photos, one dollar each. I went late when few people would be there as they interfered with me, I with them –they’d complain to the manager I was there too long & they wanted to jump in.

How did the men choose which photos they wanted? And believe it or not, they paid $5 each & were GLAD to do it. When I first started, I would tell guys ‘Five bucks a picture’ & they’d send me like twenty dollars or more & I would randomly pick out some. But then it got complicated, as they wanted more & more, & how could I recall which ones they already got?

So I took the photos & made them into black & white catalogs – they had to pay for the catalogs. The pics were numbered. Now we were organized, they would tell me the name of the catalog & the numbers they wanted, send the money, I went to the machine, cranked out the pictures & vuallah.

I might add that after a while, the pics had a theme, like ‘Glamour Domination,’ ‘Bun Fetish,’ ‘Leg Fetish,’ ‘Wrestling & Fighting’ ‘Kotex Fetish’ {believe it or not} “Stockings – Garters,’ ‘Mean Women Blues’ ‘Breast Fetish’ – You name it, can’t even recall all the fetishes, we ‘cover a multitude of sins.’

Some things I did other women wouldn’t do. It wasn’t SAFE to go on subways at night, to this store with the machine, back & forth. You had to walk blocks after dark, alone, & you could be attacked – & I’m not talking the classy ‘East Side’ of New York but the business areas as well as Williamsburg when it was still a ‘slum’. But I did what I had to do. Maybe my three angels were working over time. I have to say, that in TWENTY TWO YEARS in New York City, going on subways & walking streets day & night, I was never once attacked in any way.

Part 2 of this enterprise is I had videos from the ‘leg & wrestling’ man. I told you about when I worked on 7^th avenue a producer hired me to do some videos for $500 a day – no sex involved – & I was amazed that this could MAKE A LIVING. He hired me several times, & I made the stipulation that I should receive a video to sell from each job, & he agreed. That was the beginning of the video business. Now I have images & videos for sale to a mail order fan club. I charged $100 for my first videos & they were selling! {$100 in 1987 is $236 in 2021!} Not saying a lot, just sold a few & it was mostly profit as I had already been paid by the producer. My expense of course is I had to buy the vcr’s, the blank video tapes, & my time & energy. This business was a bonanza right from the start – God gave it to me, not to any other woman. Probably my karma.

{The videos I first sold were for fetish men who were into leg worship & wrestling, they were innocent of sex, well done stuff by an intelligent, lovely man who painted great landscapes in oil & listened to opera & classical music.}

Through making these videos, my co star was a guy who knew all about the fetish-domination scene. He’d been married to two dominatrixes & knew the ropes. He also starred in hundreds of these type videos. We became good friends & he explained it to me. These guys – the producer & the friend named Christopher – were instrumental to my success. You have to do research, have knowledge, information, about the business you’re going into, & this was a big chunk of it.

I new nothing about domination or fetishes, but what I learned could fill a book. I will only give some highlights here to make my point of how I segued out of stripping into business & finally made decent money.

Principles of Domination

The female domination business is not real domination, it’s mostly men ‘topping from the bottom.’ That means they tell you what they want & you do it. It’s the same ole’ routine as the straight men wanting to get off, but its submissive men wanting to. They write the script, they explain what has to be done, they pay you, and you do it.

Real, true domination would be Matriarchy, when women take over the family & the world, they make the rules, they hold the seats of power, they run the religions, the institutions, the economy, the schools, the fortune 500 companies – everything. This isn’t it. This is SEX FOR PAY. But it isn’t sexual intercourse – that doesn’t happen much in the business – it’s getting off mostly with masturbation for men.

We women have to learn, now, to be the OPPOSITE of what we were taught as girls – from the time of Jane Austen & before up until the 50’s we were taught to allow them to dominate – laugh at their jokes {especially the bad ones}, to act feminine, to build up their ego, etc. But now it’s this:

‘Don’t let him hold his head higher than yours. Don’t let him sit comfortably on furniture, on the floor. Don’t smile & laugh for him, stay neutral or grim. Put him down, criticize him, bully him, spank him, hit him, beat him up, get a dildo & sodomize him, make him worship you, your boots, lick the bottom of your shoes, spit at him, call him dirty names, humiliate him, etc.’

So now I learned, where once I had to be feminine to make money, I now had to be un-feminine for it, a total new role. I adjusted. And I realized, importantly, that the whole feminine shtick was just that. There was no law from God we had to be feminine, submissive or in any way underlings for men – it was men who invented this act. They told us through Patriarchy we had to be this way, it was the right way, & the ENFORCED IT with UNJUST LAWS, taboos, social etiquette, all sorts of punishments if we disobeyed – Much of the punishment based on OSTRACISM or being MARGINALIZED or UNACCEPTABLE in society, so we’d be pushed to the outskirts, couldn’t get a good husband to help us, wouldn’t be good material for jobs, no support, financial or emotional, all that BULL CRAP.

And now, suddenly, for me, usually feminine like Marilyn Monroe, I am in an UNDERGROUND where I have to be MASCULINE in a sense, for pay. I am now REWARDED to be all the things the mainstream taught NOT TO BE.

What’s funny is that after I got into the business & started producing mega images & videos of domination, for some strange reason, people assumed I was ‘into it.’ They acted as if because I made a living at this, it was my enjoyment or pleasure. It wasn’t. Much of it was ridiculously funny, the laughs I enjoyed. But I never ‘got off’ or had any sort of sexual pleasure from acting out crazy male fantasies & fetishes.

The great thing about the business was the money, the independence, & no one could criticize me, tell me what to do, complain about how I looked or what I did – I was free, I was the boss, I was dominant, & they paid me big money.

Within two years, from 1987 to 1989, I had $200,000 in the bank, {worth $433,062 in 2021} the most money I’d ever had prior to that was 10k, in 1981.

I named the business the ‘Private Fetish Corps,’ our motto, ‘We Cover a Multitude of Sins.’

I was uncertain if I should quit stripping in 1987 & made this deal with God: ‘If I earn $1,000 this week, then it will be a sign from you I should quit stripping & work on this.’

I went each day to the Post Office to count my money. Some of it was in cash, which was great. On the last day, Saturday, I had $940 plus a letter. The letter said,

“I have $60 for you I will send Monday.”

That made, exactly, to the penny, $1,000. I called my agent & quit stripping. It was just then he gave me my most lucrative offers, one for $5,000 a week plus expenses at the ‘Millionaire Club’ some place in Canada, & two the most money ever offered from NEW ZEALAND who wanted me for two weeks for 5k & said I didn’t even have to dance – JUST SPEAK! Wow, unbelievable. I still wish I could have gone to New Zealand to see the country, but God had given me the sign, I quit & that was it.

For ten years, then, I ran the business, it evolved. Everyone I knew in the trade was impressed. Other females had tried mail order & failed. One of them was a famous porn star. Let’s call her Georgia. She invited me to her house to explain what she was doing – but she went bust with mail order & offered me her list.

The first thing she did wrong is she hired a female to do most of the desk work & for a good salary. You have to do it all yourself in the beginning until the biz grows. Then she had a partner with whom any profits were shared. She gave me her list. Glancing at it it had about 750 men, but I noticed lots of prisoners. What’s that all about? I said. She said they FELT SORRY FOR THEM. But they don’t have any MONEY I said, this is costing you money to send them materials. So that was the second mistake.

I took the list home & because I didn’t know if these guys would become customers, I did not yet type them into a mail order list, I had to address each one BY HAND which took lots of time, but I did it. There was scant little return, not sure why. It was NOT A GOOD LIST & that’s why she failed & gave it to me.

I had a way of numbering my men. Each time they spent $100 I put an X next to their mailing label – then I’d know if I wanted to do a limited mailing who the best customers were. After all, sending a mailing to 3,000 men as I now had, requires a lot of POSTAGE & a bit of labor. {By now I always had an employee who sent out the list} I discovered that it was worth it to do all the mail first class, – I tried bulk mailing but found it to be tacky. Yes, I saved postage but the men felt what they received was ‘cheap.’ If I wanted first class money, I needed to send first class mail. Custom-made videos were sent on the best tapes enclosed in expensive plastic cases, all materials were packed properly, did not stint on anything.

I also had a totally honest policy, of course. No kind of argument if someone complained, they got their money back, including if they sent cash. The men were impressed.

On some videos, which were CUSTOM MADE I forgot to say, if the customer DID NOT LIKE the work I REDID IT & I got good results. After I redid his video one guy, who owned a welding business, bought $1,000 worth of videos. His fetish? My hairy crotch, which I called ‘Gorilla Crotch.’ My then fiancé, Saintly Richard Von Werder, was the camera man whenever he could, if it involved just me.

My videos were incredibly EXPENSIVE. Why? Because you could not get anything like them anywhere & each one was custom made to specific fetishes. The mainstream did not produce such videos, I had cornered this market.

Again, as I said, no other female went to the lengths {that I know of} which I did. I had my men WRITE ME A SCRIPT. It was their own version of what they wanted, & they had to send a down payment with the script for me to even consider it. I told them ahead of time I would not produce anything that would hurt a creature – & of course where we ‘hurt’ men was all pretending. These were movies, not real life, they were acting & pretending, not reality. We tried to make everything seem real, but it wasn’t. And the videos had no real sex – except for a couple where the actors wanted it that way – I obliged them but they didn’t sell. My customers did not want mainstream sex – it didn’t turn them on, they only wanted fetishes, domination & women being cruel to men.

Anyway, they’d send me their script, I would say OK, I will produce it, & I did, send me the rest of the money before you get the video – they did. I never had a script I did not produce, if I recall rightly. The ones that seemed antsy or difficult, I played the role myself. For instance, one guy got turned on by a husband & wife having a fight, he chases her into the yard & tried to strangle her – not to death, but it has to look serious. I played that role with an actor, then the guy himself. He had to pay about $500 each time. He did get out of hand when he played the husband, I had to hit him & broke his glasses – my cameraman would have stopped him before he got carried away, which he was starting to do. That’s why I played that role myself, didn’t want any trouble for some poor young lady.

Another guy wanted nothing but seeing the bottoms of female’s feet. He wanted her to just show herself a few minutes first, walking or dancing around, then she would lie down & I put the camera on the bottoms of her feet. She could sleep, read, anything, just show the bottoms of the feet. Certain feet he loved, others he liked less. I paid the female a dollar a minute. So 60 mins of foot showing got $60 – it was easy work. The guy paid me around $300 for each video, & he got a half dozen of them with different models.

A lot of my men wanted women wrestling with guys & beating them, one even wanted a female to ‘kill’ a guy by ‘strangling him with her feet’, the more violence we acted, the more the men liked it & bought them, so I would play up how tough, violent & cruel we were to the men & they ate it up.

I had started the business with just me, the ones I spoke of, & then me dancing. The dancing segued into the domination because where most of my ads were domination-fetish newspapers –– free ads in exchange for your images – can’t beat that. So I gathered something beyond my fan base.

As I made more money, instead of hiring a cameraman for $100 a day, I decided to buy equipment & do my own filming – it was expensive. Those days a good video camera cost 1k & you had to buy a few vcr’s – I had something like 10 vcr’s at one time, making copies. So I had to learn to film & make copies, a bit of technical know-how helped by my friend, Saint Esquire. He would learn how to run a camera, then taught me. He hooked up my vcr’s {men are better at technology than women} & figured out how to run them. When it was me as the star, he also filmed me. He helped me build my business without asking for anything in return, just friendship. So you see, I had my two best men friends helped me with business.

Pretty soon I hired other females for variety. I liked being behind the camera more than in front of it. Most of the actresses I got were porn stars, dancers, women from the adult trade. Later I made a lot of tame videos, even without nudity, & I used local amateurs. I produced thousands of photos of the females, & these were sent to magazines free of charge. The magazines would use the pics & give me a free ad – it worked. I was featured a lot in Hustler Erotic Video & the Gent fetish magazine. The business was work but also fun. We had so many laughs.

Now here is why I made good money. After the initial guy got his custom-made video, I put it for sale to the rest of the guys. I didn’t sell hundreds, but I sold dozens. My videos were average two hours long, & they sold for up to $250 each, believe it or not, & they guys were buying them as they were unusual.

One lucrative sale was a store on 42^nd St. bought my work wholesale – half price, & they would buy like $10,000 worth at a time. The owner spoke to me by phone & said he made good money with them – men wanted my videos at $250 per video!

I ran the business for ten years, taking in an average of 100k per year – not profit, but gross sales, but that does come to one million in ten years. That’s the story on that, I’m not giving too many details here, perhaps in another book, but the point I am making is how I became well off by the grace of God. Now speaking of God, let me explain an important point.

The Economy of God – Seeing Her Face to Face

Prior to starting this business, my life was one of devotion to God, an all-out ‘Put first the Kingdom of God & everything shall be added unto you.’

I spent much of my time alone even though I was in the adult trade, & my life was primarily, above all things, besides survival, getting closer to God. I would do anything to get closer to God – Go was what I wanted & loved more than anything on earth.

The path I was on was one of Sainthood. Many people won’t believe this, but I speak the truth, my models were the saints, my behavior was that of the saints, my activities alone were mostly prayer, meditation, Church & spiritual reading. As I said, when I was the Stripper for God, I didn’t work every week but sporadically, & I had plenty of time for devotion. I even went on a binge one time, for 3 ½ years, where I never missed one day of Holy Mass, & one hour after Mass in the Church each time, praying. {This came about because the Holy Virgin appeared to me in a dream & wanted me to receive more Holy Communion.}

I got many graces & gifts from God – revelations, visions, Gifts of the Holy Spirit – Jesus & Mary appeared to me several times with stupendous blessings. I had the most incredible walk with God, & in 1981 I entered into seclusion. This is a time all saints I studied went through, it was from a year to two or three years, they sequestered themselves for a special time with God. They left the world, people, their family, job, everything, to be alone to what I know now to be the FINAL STEPS in becoming ONE WITH GOD.

In 1981 I told all my friends & relatives, even my most devoted disciple, to forget me. Don’t call me, write me, visit me, nothing. I have to be alone. I didn’t know why, I just know I had to be. I lived off my savings on about $50 a week.

I removed the beds from my apt – don’t recall how or why—just recall the beds were gone – I slept on the floor – Mass every morning, then any errands gotten out of the way. I was eager to get back to my 6^th floor walkup & be alone with God. I felt her Presence, it was Holy, it was Blissful. I did not speak to people, I entered into another world, another consciousness & alone, I was never less lonely. I communicated with Souls in Purgatory, starting with Errol Flynn, later, many other celebrity & unknown Souls – it was Heaven on earth.

Finally, all this culminated in my experience of SEEING GOD FACE TO FACE, not once but twice. I actually left this earth & entered Heaven on Feb. 13, 1982 & again on March 23, 1982. It lasted but moments each time, but was worth the equivalent of a hundred years of ecstasy, it’s impossible to describe accurately & all I can say is superlatives, what God is, what Heaven is. Suffice to say when we enter Heaven or see God as God is, we are there not only with our souls but our bodies. I don’t know what form we are in exactly, but it’s as if you have a physical body because all the senses are working, & what you perceive with your senses is beyond anything on earth – you feel, taste, touch, smell, hear, everything as you do on earth only a thousand times more clearly & sharply, like you just woke up out of a dull dream & became alive, like every pain you ever had is a million miles away & all you can do is love & receive love & it is ECSTASY. The ecstasy is so great that you can only be there a short time, then you must return, as it’s too much to bear.

When these highlights of my life were over I remained happy with God, still alone, doing all my spiritual routines. I wanted nothing else, I was wishing I did not have to go back to the world. I knew my money would run out at some point, but I wished to delay this as long as possible.

The Interior Divine Stigmata

I will not delve into this in great detail because it won’t serve the purpose of this book, I shall make it as brief as possible. If this subject interests you, please view my book “On the Attainment of the Divine Stigmata,’ where I give a day-by-day account of the proceedings.

Suffice to say, during the year 1981 – 1982 I received the Highest Honors from God & all the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, & even Our Holy Mother appeared to me on a blessed night & infused me with the Evangelical virtues – Poverty, Chastity & Obedience. As I said, I lived in another world. The world as we know it faded away, I walked on a cloud, I lived in Heaven. I felt & heard God every minute. There were deprivations &sacrifices, like fasting, constant prayer, constant spiritual activities. Some of it was hard –like the fasting with no food or water once a week for 24 hours {don’t ever fast without water, just food; it can hurt your health.} But these type sufferings were bittersweet; the Presence of God did not leave me.

Then I got the bright idea of praying for the Divine Stigmata. I reasoned I had everything else that I knew of. Jesus had appeared to me as Commander-in-Chief one glorious day &gave me some kind of Power. He also gave me three Rings of blue light, visible all night, which represented Faith, Hope & Charity, the Theological Virtues, & also signified our Betrothal or Marriage. I saw it all in visions, Light was visible. The room would disappear & get filled with blue Light, I’d be standing on air during these times.

IMO I believed this Grace was so beyond me, if I started praying now {1982 I was37 years old} I might receive it in my 70’s – if such a thing were possible. I believed it to be the highest reach there is, as the greatest Saints I venerated had the stigmata – St. Francis of Assisi, Saint Padre Pio, & the Interior Stigmata {engraving of Christ’s wounds on the heart as St. Gertrude described it} –my mentor St. Gertrude, St. Catherine of Sienna, Saint Teresa of Avila, – Who was I compared to them?

In fact, one time as I reached the front door of my building, Ole’ Sleufoot appeared & said to me,

“You think you’re St. Francis of Assisi?”

I was stunned & pondered why he appeared & said that. Could it be because I really resembled St. Francis & he was angry?

Let me add this – Some people think you have to go into the mountains & be a hermit to receive such graces, or some kind of convent or monastery, far away from everyone & everything. You can be in a hermitage & in the mountains mentally in the middle of Brooklyn – I was. Living at 356 South 1^st St, between Hooper & Keap, apt 33, was where I lived. The city & people throbbed all around me, but I was not there, not connected; I was in a place with God, for God, from God, in God, nowhere else.

So determined to move ahead, no knowing whereof I prayed, what exactly it was that I asked for, I opened the books of St. Gertrude the Great & St. Francis & read their prayers for the Stigmata every day. The reason I had no idea what it was is because no saint had ever explained it – believe it or not. So perhaps it behooves me to be the one who having gotten the Grace, explain it properly, which I have already done in my book. I shall briefly review the event.

So I am praying, not sure how long. Was it three months? At that time God transpired changes in me that were a foreboding of spiritual ‘disaster.’ Something was happening in my Heart & brain. My heart swelled up into giant size, with love, like the Chakra where the heart is, then it would break or smash into pieces. It swelled up again, & again, & again, with powerful sensations, then breaks as many times, but this went on for hours.

I was in such pain emotionally & mentally I could not respond to people. I went into the street & a man who knew me stopped his car & asked if I needed a ride. I said no, knowing, THAT THIS PAIN I FELT I HAD TO ENDURE – THERE COULD BE NO ALLEVIATION OR THE GRACE WOULD NOT OCCUR.

I knew on some level the Divine Stigmata was taking place & I learned what it was through experience. Can’t recall if it was this day or the next I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror & knew I had GONE TEMPORARILY INSANE. It’s a pain that’s so great that your mind can’t take it – different from a ‘nervous breakdown,’ – {I had one of those many years later—it’s not supernatural} – This was.

After my heart broke for the last time, my brain had been drained, as if there were spark plugs in it & every one of them blew – so that no more energy could be created, I went into a darkness – even my dreams were nightmares of darkness such as I had never experienced – demons in the shape of black girls appeared & pushed me into darkness from which I could not escape, it was terrifying.

The Divine Stigmata is MARTYRDOM. Your body doesn’t die, in this case but you can no longer utilize the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, which God gave you. It’s well known that God NEVER REPENTS OR TAKES BACK A GIFT. But you can lose the ability to use the gift, through the mechanical or biological demise of your body or instrument. And that’s what happened.

Through this martyrdom, this total poverty, I could no longer use any of the God-given Gifts. I did not know that’s what I asked for, but I did. Heaven left me; the Presence of God was no longer felt. I was alone, vulnerable & lonely. Pretty soon I reached out to people. I couldn’t live without them, as I had nothing else; the world came back, the evil, shallow, dingy, dreary world. I called it being back in ‘the shallows & wastes of human sense.’ Oh, what misery! To have been in Heaven on earth, then Heaven is gone, you are on clay feet, you are ordinary, deprived, vulnerable, poor, empty, shallow, miserable, all happiness evaporates. Woe is me! And that is Divine Stigmata!

I count the date officially as Oct 9, 1982, when it started. And was it just a few days of this mess? Now hear me, & hear me well. This Grace cost me plenty sorrow, it lasted EIGHTEEN YEARS. I did not come out of this forsaken state – some call it ‘Dark Night of the Soul,’ until the year 2000. It was 1982 to 2000 – I could not communicate with God or pray with consolation – my only thing left was FAITH.

There is a definite reason why I bring up this Grace now, right after explaining my involvement in the business ventures.

It’s about God’s economy & management of my life – giving me all the things I prayed for, the things Jesus promised me, the things I karmically earned.

Had I been in the state first described – Heaven on earth – I could not have run this business. The business world, in general is gross. To be in the specific business I was in is even grosser. These two worlds are in conflict, they cannot coincide. There are few saints or mystics who ever owned businesses or were tycoons in a successful way, while at the same time, enjoying the benefits of the Presence of God. One consciousness closes the other, they are not able to coincide.

And so God ordered it this way, that during my Dark Night of the Soul, I could manage to get into this work, be good at it, make money, & while I could not enjoy the precincts of God, I gave great donations to charity, I took out of the gross income from 8 to 10% & got Masses for the Souls in Purgatory {my favorite charity, besides helping animals.}

This time I was not studying St. Thomas Aquinas but the Apostle of Prosperity, Catherine Ponder, & having read her books, sent her almost 4k for her efforts. She taught me a lot that I still practice today – how to pray in a way to draw prosperity & succeed at whatever you do. It was new stuff & she’s the best teacher.

During this time also another promise from Jesus Christ was fulfilled. God’s economy is what I’m underlining here. In Jan 1978 Jesus appeared to me with Great Gifts {it was at the Playboy Club explained in my book one of ‘I Strip for God’} He said to me to ask for three gifts He would fulfill in honor of our betrothal. I mentioned spiritual ones & He said,

“Ask for things of the earth, what you experience here.”

So the first & obvious things that came into my head – I didn’t know what else to say, was,

“I want to be a millionaire, a movie star & to have spiritual relationships with men.”

Now understand, the millionaire & movie star requests were answered at least in part, through this business. They were movies, weren’t they? I had done movies before, but now there were hundreds. And I earned a million dollars in gross sales in ten years. But on top of that, with the first 200k I saved, God inspired me to go to the right area to buy property, which She said, ‘Go – see it – you will be rich.’ And thirty years later, they declared GAS & OIL under my property, & I had a good amount, there would be BIG MONEY some day, the gas first, then the oil pulled out, could factor in the millions over the years.

And so God fulfilled her promise, in the name of Jesus Christ, that request I made through this business & this property, acquired during my Dark Night of the Soul when I could not enjoy God & Heaven – God used this time for my profit.

My third request, to have spiritual relations with men, occurred during my ministry to the Holy Souls in Purgatory. Most of the souls I help are men. And it is the most gratifying ministry I’ve ever had. {End Chapter 8}

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

God Compensated my Losses

Chapter 8 What People Did to Me

What God Did for Me 6-5-21

Just thinking, I’ve groaned a lot about the injustices & abuse of people to me, but what I must present now is what God did to make up for it. For example:

In Part 3 of my Life I told the sorrowful incident of my friend & neighbor bringing to our front door {in my absence, Middletown, NJ, 2 Knapp Circle} a birthday cake for me. My Mom rejected this gift, saying, ‘We bake our own cakes here.’ And not a one of them in the household even said a greeting to me, no card, no gift, no cake, no nothing. And I shall channel Mother God as to why Mom & her accomplice did this. Mother God, explain the motive:

MOTHER GOD: She, they, de facto, were rejecting any love being shown to you – respect, kindness, anything good being given you had to be rejected, as you have explained. They wanted to destroy you. {End channeling}

OK, but here’s what GOD did. Years later, I’m around 40, I was dating a handsome lawyer who was also a gourmet cook, let’s call him Saint Esquire. On the day of my birthday he took a cab from Forest Hills, NY to Williamsburg, B’klyn, to bring me a birthday cake, made with his own hands, a beautiful carrot cake!

This man, while on the subject, also did this. I was returning from a job some place with heavy suitcases which had to be carried 6 flights of stairs {I never had a companion who helped me this way, travel was hard} He knew when I’d be there; again, he took a cab for just one thing, to carry my suitcases up!

Throughout my childhood, from the age of ten, until I left home, I was purposefully impoverished. The burden of the household chores mostly fell to me – I did all but the cooking {Mom would not share her glory of being a chef with me, she forbid me to cook when I tried, screaming & hitting me}. I cleaned house, fed the animals, did the dishes, baby sat my half sister, did most of the ironing {in those days many items had to be ironed, etc.} Mom & two other members of the household worked – they had money – but no allowance was given me {I never even thought of an allowance} – I was slave labor.

Dad was contributing money, some of it could have been given me, & Mom suggested to the other household members once, why not give Rasa an allowance from our salaries? She knew they would shoot that down, which they did, ‘No! No! No! No allowance for Rasa! She pretended to me that she wanted this, she would give me $40 a week! That was a fortune to me & then, she took it away by letting the other members say no.

Mom was earning minimum wage & it says that minimum wage in 1959 was $1 an hour – the restaurant we all worked in at one time paid us .50 an hour – for the servers there were tips, so maybe it came to 2.50 per hour.

They could have easily given me $40 a week between the 3 of them or less, $20 or just $10 would have meant something – even $5 would have been appreciated – I saved them most of the household chores.

Later on, my services were not crucial, no slave needed. The half sister was 9 years old when we moved to Middletown, NJ, so could be left alone, the house was new & cleaning it easy – there were no animals to care for. Now was the chance for me to work! But every time I got a job if Mom discovered it, she’d call up & have me fired on the pretext, ‘She does not have my permission to work, I want her to concentrate on school.’ {That was a lie, she wanted to disempower me, punish or torture me.} And Mom gave me no cash for necessities – not even school supplies or dentist – which could have been garnished from what Dad gave {I never even thought of telling Dad about this, I was devoid of knowing my rights. I was not aware of any government agency that protected children; to me it was unheard of, the thought that I could complain to a legitimate agency that I was being deprived of basic rights in the home.}

So I was unjustly impoverished in our house. When I finally left home my first husband cancelled his life insurance to leave myself & our daughter penniless – I had $5 to my name after the funeral. His Mom was with us at his death, {she sensed his end was coming, she arrived days before it} I could not conceive of asking her for money – in fact, she asked me if I could afford the funeral. I didn’t know what that meant, I thought that if I had $1,000 plus a fiver to my name, & the funeral cost $1k, then I could afford it – so I paid it instead of asking her to. She was not poor or broke, had then about 60k in the bank. I had trouble asking anyone for anything, as the family convinced me that I deserved nothing.

Now when I entered show business, I had a fighting chance. But I was raising a child alone, expenses were high, as anyone knows who has children, if you are the sole parent, no one in the family to baby sit, child care is expensive. So I was one woman alone, paying the bills, & child care. Those years I had no nest egg, the most I ever had before 1981, age 33, in the bank, was $1,500.

I’m trying to explain why I was poor & how I was poor. First, My Mom caused my poverty, & second, my first husband contributed – actually caused it. You might ask, why did I have a child? – He forced both marriage & pregnancy on me. I could have supported myself single, but he wanted to USE ME {for sex, arm candy, nursing if he had a return of the cancer.} I asked him to help me get my own place – no go. He insisted we had to get married, & tricked me into a pregnancy. We always used the ‘pull out method’ but on our honeymoon he inseminated me without consent, & nine months to the day after that event, I bore a child. His plan was to keep me tied to the house – the child was his tool.

So rounds one & two of my young life were a financial bust. Round three was going into show business after his death. I became a star by the grace of God, but I was not solvent, it was insecure living week to week, not knowing, when I became a stripper, what jobs these agents would get me – one year my agent Don DeCarlo of Pittsburg, I realized later, was not even trying – he was ripping me off for 20% on my jobs – I put him down to 10% & after six months no jobs I understood there were no more jobs from him – he had to have 20% or I got nothing. Understand, managers get up to 50%, but they work full time for you. But an agent – mine anyway – did only one thing – call the club & negotiate. {I even provided the clubs through my own foot work.} The clubs on the road, you could not book yourself, you had to have representation. Depending on how good of a talker they were, is what you got.

Another thing, is as I got more & more well known – {I did all the publicity myself – in 21 years I was helped by the management only twice – in Cleveland, Ohio & Toronto, Canada, the theaters gave me a bona fide press conference} – THEY made more money, my salary remained the same. I did not get paid for contacting the press, doing interviews, getting the club or theater filled up.

One guy in Canada made so much money off me that he put a down payment on a new hotel – I estimate he made $75k profit while I made $2,500. {Guessing by how many seats were occupied in the club, what they charged at the door & drinks. The coffee shop they had ran out of all food & could not keep up with it. The club was huge – maybe 1,000 seats – & filled up for two weeks. That’s why I worked mostly Canada in my last years – they had clubs much bigger than America & so could pay more.}

Now that’s what people did to me. But what did God do? I’m explaining the economy of God, her management of my life, her compensating me while people deprived me, punished me or exploited me. God was on my side – & so She is on yours if you do her will. If you do not obey God & are her enemy, then of course, She will not bless you & compensate you for your sufferings. Judas the traitor was not rewarded by God, he met his own fate, probably in Hell.

And so, for the unfortunate poverty, misery, insecurity & most of all, lack of love I suffered at the hands of people, this is what God did for me: And I shall ask Mother God to answer for me. First question, what did God do for me because I was deprived of love?

MOTHER GOD: When a God-loving person is unjustly deprived of love, they get closer in intimacy with God. That entails a whole gamut of consolation, gifts & blessings. It’s the deeper happiness which is not of this world.

Being intimate with God, One with her, is the greatest gift of all – it is heaven. One can undergo all kinds of earthly deprivations & tortures & still be happy if they are close to God – look at what the saints went through, & most of the time they were happy. Their sufferings were not bitter or dry, their pain, when endured for God, brought sweetness to their souls. So you, most of the time, had consolation with God, felt her Presence, felt love, you were not ‘the walking dead’ like the majority of folks are – they are spiritually dead. As you well know & say it again & again, the saints say the majority enter Hell – more men than women, more rich people than poor.

ME: And say in your words, dear Mother God, how I was compensated for the lack of resources & security.

MOTHER GOD: Oh, that’s a biggie, you were greatly rewarded & compensated. First, God gave you the ability to make a million dollars in earnings through business. That started in the year 1987, age 42 – God helped you create the mail order video business which, for the first time in your life, you were rich. The business took in one million dollars in ten years.

When you saved 200k by 1989 you prayed daily for six months for a house. God guided you, your fiancé drove you into the country {from B’klyn} to start looking upstate NY. After the second time looking, God appeared to you in a dream, as Mrs. Ronald Reagan, the wife of the President. {This type of apparition bespeaks Power & Prosperity, being the wife, not the President himself, hints at ‘domestic’ or ‘home.’}

She said to you, showing you a listing you had,

“I have a house for one of your deserving poor. Go! {see it} – You will be rich!”

You had no idea what the ‘you will be rich’ meant. You did get rich from business, then you got rich after you married & your husband died. But that’s not what God was talking about. Thirty years after you bought your property – & God was guiding you what to purchase – they announced GAS & OIL underground, ‘The Marcellus Shale’ – enough fossil fuel to energize a large area of the US. That was the riches to come – not realized yet but will be in your lifetime – God said so.

And so, there is one example, God gave you property with gas & oil under it – nothing like that happened to any of the folks who abused you, used you or deprived you. Think of how much God loves you by this reward.

ME: And I might add that I think it’s important I did not hate or take revenge on my persecutors, I endured it stoically the way Jesus & his saints did/do. I think that summons the Grace of God, whereas, revenge, & hate against ones enemies would dispel God’s rewards.

MOTHER GOD: Indeed, hate & revenge would prevent God from compensating you, as you close the door of the heart to Grace, Grace cannot then come in. One must have an open heart & good qualities to receive God’s blessings.

The Road to Success – How I Made One Million Dollars

I will briefly explain my business success. It was in video production, starting with just myself dancing, then later, hiring others to act with me in female domination & fetish work. But it started with just pictures of me, which men bought for $5 a piece. {Here’s that girl the family called ugly, selling pics of herself to make a living – did they make sense?}

Around 1985-86 I was dissatisfied with my stripping business. I had been sporadically ‘on the road’ since 1972, I was now pushing 40, I had gained 10 lbs {capital sin, they exaggerate all your faults, just gain a tiny bit of weight & one club owner told my agent I gained 50 lbs–ridiculous} & others just didn’t like me for whatever reason, being I was middle aged or had some esoteric music.

There was a horrible man in Canada who tried to make me enter the country without a visa {that was illegal} which means he didn’t like me as soon as he saw me at the airport – he would have probably called the authorities the next day to pick me up, being without visa, an evil man. Anyway, before the end of the week he fired me, & it really hurt. I think it was one of my acts he didn’t like – it was unusual Latin music from the 40’s – like ‘The Peanut Vendor’ & ‘Granada’ & ‘Siboney’ & I wore an all white lace outfit. But I believe he just didn’t like my look at the airport & each day he figured how to get rid of me, finally, just struck the axe. He was the young son of the owner, Jewish, that’s all I remember, can’t remember the club name or his. He was arrogant, uncaring, and devious. They gave me no publicity, no advertising at this miserable place, it was a quasi-brothel with lap dances & all that – the guy told me ‘you don’t fit in’. Strangely, the book I chose to bring that week as my reading material had to do with management of pain!

It wasn’t all bad. I was still beautiful. I will prove it with other pictures from my last 2 years in Canada – it’s just no matter what, you meet some people who don’t like you as you don’t meet their preference – their idea or type they want. Consider, I didn’t like handsome Arnold – I liked darker guys at the time, so I rejected him – not his fault, he had what it takes but I wanted something else.

However, the problem was agents. There was no such thing as a list or easy way to find out where the clubs & theaters were, how to contact them. There was no internet, no yellow pages that covered America & Canada with all the venues. You had to beg, borrow or steal names from other dancers – if they would share them.

I met the husband of one star in 1984 – he came to see me at the Hubba Hubba Club in Honolulu, Hawaii. He sat with me & painstakingly picked his brain for every place his wife had worked – that helped. I had Don de’Carlo call them & got jobs. So it was hard to find places, your agent had to contact them – they would not book any of us directly – it’s the pimp system – men must have their share. {That’s how prostitutes are pimped by the Patriarchy. Make it illegal, pick them up, cops get paid, judges get paid, it’s the women’s money in fines. Use them, put them back in the street & start all over again next time. This is explained in a book I’m part of called ‘Sex Work.’}

So I got maybe 5-6 jobs a year in 1985-86 – they were high paying, but even at 3k per week, it only adds up to 15k a year, counting polaroids, ok, add 1k to that. If I had 6 jobs it would be 18 k a year plus 1k for polaroids. {Meaning the customers paid me $10 each to be in a Polaroid with them.} I lived MODESTLY in a 6 floor walk up that was rent controlled, so I could make it, but I wasn’t thriving, just surviving.

You might ask why didn’t I work at one steady place in NYC, regularly? Indeed, I did, I do recall because my new best friend, Saint Esquire, was picking me up at work. It was OK for a while, they paid me $30 a show & there were 4 shows a day. That meant $120 a day or $720 a week – a big come down from $3k on the road. $750 a week in 1987 today amounts to $1,735. 3k a week in 1987 is $7,230 so with 6 jobs a year I made $43,380 today’s money – which is not bad, not good for a star or for building a nest egg.

I get on the internet, that the min wage in 1987 was $3.35. But also this: In 1989, the median American household made $51,681 in current dollars. {Not sure which year they speak of, maybe 2012.}

OK, so household might mean two people working, even three. I’m trying to explain what my status actually was, accurately, that although I was ‘a star’ & in headlines in newspapers, covers of magazines & TV shows, I was struggling & surviving, no wealth, no nest egg, until the time I shall explain.

I worked at this place in Times Square – I think it was 7^th Ave but can’t recall the name – about 5 weeks. {After 5 weeks they were going to demote me to $15 a show – although it was easy for me to work there, this cut hurt my pride & I quit.} They did not put my name out there, no advertising, nothing. Why? Because it was a porno palace, they made money from sex. {To draw undue attention might have been bad, as I don’t think sex on stage was legal, I guess they paid people off.} Not direct sex with the customers, but like this. You walk in, can watch porn videos in booths downstairs, masturbating of course. {I wonder who cleans up the sperm. I know a guy who slid on it carrying the cash box away& almost broke his neck.}

Upstairs, where my small theater was, way to the back past a turnstile you pay to go through, you have a couple options. You can watch a real sex show in a glass cage, a male & female, or else two females, which you pay for. Can’t recall how they hide the cage from the non-payers, I think you watch through some sort of peep-hole like binoculars.

To the left are the masturbation booths. You go in, across from you behind a glass is a female. You pull out your penis & start to masturbate, & she is supposed to turn you on & walk you through it. She can show her vagina & play with it I imagine. You give her the script. One female told me that a young black man told her to curse out his mother, call her every bad name you could think of, like dirty whore, & that made him horny & happy. I found that unusual & amazing.

This poor, poor girl showed me her scalp, where a man had attacked her with a knife & sliced off part of her flesh along with hair – she was concerned, was the loss of flesh & hair obvious? She was trying to make a living. No one said the adult trade was easy or safe. Why are prostitutes singled out for violence & murder? – Because they’re there, on the street, available & vulnerable. No wonder they start to take drugs. It’s a Catch-22 situation. The average prostitute is raped or violated forcefully 5 times per week. Imagine if that were to happen to you on the job? Wouldn’t you need a substance to keep going? Of course some of them already were addicts, but those who weren’t, need help to get through – unless they are combinations of Hercules & Wonder Woman.

Now in the middle of these activities as I said, is my theater. Go through the turnstile & there’s a round series of seats, just like a real theater, with a stage around 15’ long & 6’ wide, where the acts occur. What are the acts? – Dancers? No I was the only dancer. You would not believe the acts I had to follow & remain the main attraction.

There would be two different couples who actually had real sex on stage. While I was there one couple the female was average looking, overweight, the guy fairly good looking. I don’t know how these guys could get a hard-on & do it 4 times a day, & this couple told me they did it again at home – Samson step aside. They were paid – I’m not lying – $6 a show. Another couple was French, both good looking – they washed the plastic bed on stage with alcohol before each round. I wanted to see them perform & got emboldened to sit in the audience one day, but someone interrupted me to go somewhere. To this day although I worked in such places, I never have seen a live sex act. This attractive couple told me they made $7 a show. There was a third couple also, very attractive.

The other act I remember was a Latin female, cute, very thin, who walked around for a couple minutes, then sat down & masturbated with a huge black dildo. That was it – every act on stage except me was sex.

So now imagine, I come out, & I have to be somehow more exciting than the previous. How could one manage that? Supposedly beauty & talent win the day, consider I was being paid ten times what these others were. People did like me & applauded well, a video producer came – which come to think of it – was responsible for me starting my own business! He hired me for domination videos at a good price, $500 a day plus a copy to sell – no sex involved. I asked him can you really make a living at this? He lived in a good part of town in a beautiful apt – so I thought if he could do it, I could do it, & later I did. His specialty was wrestling videos. He said with my legs, I could do a great ‘scissors’ whatever that was. I was fascinated. Will get back to what I did later.

So now here I am, in this sex emporium, among my NY neighbors, not sure where life is going next.

I was working on & off, months would drag by where I had no income & often worked on publicity. I would go to a newsstand called ‘Hotalings,’ which carried newspapers & magazines from all over the world. I would pick up like $50 {$120.50 today} or more of these periodicals, take them home, peruse them & send them my story as the ‘Stripper for God’ with plenty photos & slides. I got into the international media that way – Germany’s STERN {which was like our ‘Life’ Magazine or ‘Look’ – Italian, French, English, Spanish, Australian – everywhere. My publicity is featured on Kellie Everts I Strip for God website – many of the periodicals are featured as well as numerous TV shows.

In fact, because of this onslaught of publicity, they sent reporters from Spain to do a big story for a top magazine, & the Australians sent their ‘60 minutes’ staff to show me dancing & an interview – they even paid me $300. Whenever I danced in NYC international travelers would tell me they’d seen documentaries on me in Italy, Australia & elsewhere. I even got letters from Papa New Guinea & Poland. Some of the stuff I believe was copied from work done in America. There have been at least eleven documentaries done on me.

As a photographer of ‘America’s Most Beautiful Men’ – which I did from 2012 to 2017 – I met on the phone hundreds of aspiring male models & dozens in person. I tried to show them the ropes, but none of them except one listened to me. The one who listened made it to the top – he became a poster boy for Ralph Lauren. He already had what it takes, he did the right things, he worked hard & he made it. The rest of them flopped. They just didn’t have the brains to listen & learn, they thought they knew how to reinvent the wheel, that their case was different, they would make it on what they knew, but they knew nothing.

You have to be young & dumb before you can be old & wise. Was I ever that dumb? No indeed, because I started trying age 16, & did what had to be done. These yokels just sit on their ass & expect people to appear & ‘give them a break’ – but no one appears. When I came into their lives I explained that in order to make it in any field of show business – even products – there has to be advertising, publicity, promotion & media. And no one will GIVE this to you, you have to TAKE THE WHEEL & steer yourself, or else find a manager who falls in love with you & does the work while you perform. There is no other way – but they won’t listen. I heard a minister say,

“There is work in the working of miracles.” To be a genuine star is sort of a miracle – & it takes constant hard work getting there. That’s what they aren’t doing. {Will get to the million dollars deal before I end this chapter.}

In Between Dancing & Publicity I was Uncertain

Didn’t know where I was going – how I could make it. Two things in my favor, I was Kellie Everts, an adult trade / notoriety star. Second, I met a guy who made wrestling / domination videos & he was making a living. {How one thing leads to another Had I not been working at this porn palace at the time, I would not have met this industry producer & got the idea from him – being ‘out there’ even under less than ideal conditions can lead to meaningful paths.} These two items were the catalysts for success – but not right away.

The dilemma went like so: I cannot get married & have a guy support me because I am celibate {In fact ultra rich Robert Atkins courted me in 1981 & wanted to marry me, but I turned him down, it was impossible, my celibacy plus he was Jewish – I could not repudiate my religion – Or my celibacy which was vowed to God.}

And of course I cannot be a prostitute or call girl because I am celibate – even if I was not celibate, I couldn’t do it because it would hurt my dignity. I know the women who go into this have to. {Many of the women retiring from dancing went into prostitution or got married, they were the paths of least resistance, indeed, one I knew went back to school teaching & there were other ways.} But I would find another way. But what was the way? What could a celibate woman, in the adult trade, do to make a living?

Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Six Months House Arrest

Chapter 7 6 Months House Arrest

for Dancing with a Puerto Rican 6-3-21

Both Mom & her sister, Aunt Dagmar, had a thing against ‘sex.’ Dagmar, who we called ‘Ara’ was a faithful housewife as far as we know, from the time she married Uncle Henry until forever, even after his death.

Mom was different. She got tired of Dad & began to have love affairs with other men way back when, not sure when, but was told that in Germany she kept a diary of her activities & she & Dad had fights over his sneaking into it.

She was so active that during the time she lived with Dad, she had 4 abortions – only one his. {Later there were at least 3 more abortions…I read an interesting statistic – that the average number of abortions of an Eastern European woman, – those under Communist rule – was 7 – I went ‘bingo.’ My Lithuanian cousin spent several months with me in the USA & spoke what it was like under the Communists. The leaders were all men. They decided on what provisions would be available to the public, including birth control & hygiene, to that end the provided no KOTEX – sanitary napkins – or TAMPAX – for women to collect blood from their periods. And so, women had to use cloths or rags for that purpose, throw them away incessantly or wash them & use them again. Cousin also told me they only had brassieres that were shaped like bags, they had no bras that enhanced a woman’s curvature. And now, I came to this conclusion, being MEN & therefore, narrow minded for their own concerns & wishes, at the exclusion of what is best for both women & men, they OFFERED NO CONDOMS on the market. Let women get pregnant, what did they care, in fact, let their sperm live, whatever happens to the kids, let the woman bear the burden. And so, WOMEN ENDED UP USING ABORTION, PROVIDED ‘FREE’ BY THE GOVERNMENT, AS THEIR MEANS OF BIRTH CONTROL, thereby creating the 7 per woman statistic. And that was the system Mom started out with & kept up that pattern. I channeled Mom on this in Book 3.}

Although Ara was sexually inactive while Mom was active, they had the same attitude toward sex. Sex was a no-no for OTHER PEOPLE. Any female perceived as, or known to be sexually active, was a BAD PERSON {except for Mom, there is no log in her eye, but she sees the toothpick in that of others.} To that effect, I shall explain how I went under Mom’s HOUSE ARREST for six months for dancing with a Puerto Rican.

After our homestead efforts went bust, Mom got a job at a factory called ‘Brockway Glass.’ There she met a local woman, fat & unattractive, who had a farm with her husband. Not sure if the husband was still there, but this woman said something that OUTRAGED Mom. She told me about it. She had had SEX with one or more Puerto Rican field hands that worked on her farm, to wit, she said,

“Some of those Puerto Ricans are DAMN good looking men!”

When Mom repeated those words to me, with a shudder, her eyebrows arched – like how OUTRAGEOUS this was. This woman thought Puerto Ricans were handsome, had sex with them, & HAD A SON by one of them.

I met two of this woman’s children, a female my age, & the half Puerto Rican son. I was extra friendly with her, acquainted but not close to him, {one time he needed to write an essay on Kennedy vs Nixon, he couldn’t do it – so I wrote it for him. My speech was so good, a male teacher read it & gave me his precious 8X10 image of John Kennedy SIGNED. I wish I still had it.}

So there was a dance where I took part, & the Puerto Rican son was there. A twist contest came up – I had never done it {being 14 there’s a lot of things I hadn’t done} – they showed me it, I WON the contest with the boy. Another dance contest came up & we also won that – that happened to me all the time. We had dances every week at a local Catholic Church {kind of a safe place for kids to hang out, supervised by nuns}, every contest they held was won by me, no matter who my partner was.

After the dance my Mom calls me to the kitchen table for a talk. She says, is it true that I danced with this half Puerto Rican boy? Because his mom bragged to Mom that we had won contests. And on top of that, was I so friendly with her daughter that we shared clothes, switching clothes so each of us had a bigger wardrobe? I said yes to both items.

A dark spirit crossed her face & she ominously pronounced,

“Because of this, you will not leave the house for six months. You cannot go with us when we shop, no visits with friends, no activities, no trips outside the house. You are grounded.”

This was not an easy punishment to take. My way out of isolation / loneliness was to do this walk in the woods every day. There was some kind of a round road through the woods, which covered about a mile, that I trekked. Nature / exercise was the escape. Occasionally when I had a buck or two I veered out of the woods to a tiny family restaurant {seated like 8 people} for a burger & fries, walking past their huge German Shepherd posted by the woods – scared as he barked furiously, on a metal runner about 25’ long – I knew if he broke off that runner he’d attack me. {Today I would have saved part of my burger for him each trip so he’d know I was his friend, but then I didn’t think of that. How pitiful that that dog was all alone, 200’ from the house, by the woods, no other dog to keep it company.}

The thing is, my Mom was working, & I could have disobeyed. But honor was a big thing with me, as I explained before. I felt that if a parent made a rule {within reason} I was obligated, under God, to obey. But I begged for one exception – the school choir. Our music director said we HAD to be there & I begged release, & she consented. And as usual, I was the only female who did not have the UNIFORM black skirt, I conjured up a brown one & stood in the back row {I explained in Part 3 how I was the only Girl Scout who didn’t have a uniform.}

Another escape was my neighbor Helen, lived a couple minutes away. I went there often to chat. She was single, with her old mom who never felt well. The only notable thing I recall her telling me, that I didn’t understand at the time, was that men have ‘Roman hands & Russian fingers.’ Years later I got it: ‘Roaming hands, rush in fingers.’

Of course, dancing with the Puerto Rican boy was not sex – but to Mom, who was HYSTERICALLY PREJUDICED it was close. She hated, despised the woman who had sex with Puerto Ricans, & I shall channel. Mom, why did you hate that woman so much that you imposed that punishment on me?

MOM: Because I was jealous.I wanted to do as she did, but I couldn’t or didn’t get the chance, so I hated her & acted outraged.

ME: Why did you not, then, become good friends, & ask her to introduce you to some of those guys?

MOM: That would have been unthinkable. I carried the pose of an aristocrat {in my own mind} who would not lower myself to that level. If I had done that, also, she & other people would have known, & that would hurt my reputation, my front, as a respectable woman. I did my deeds in the dark.

ME: But why then, punish me so harshly just for dancing with a boy & being friends with the girl? Isn’t that extreme?

MOM: As extreme as was my hate. People on crime shows you’ve watched kill others for the kind of hate I had.

ME: Explain your hate of minority people, you & Ara being against any kind of people not exactly like us. What is the origin of such great prejudice? And consider, when we first got here, you were a maid for a Jewish family. You worked every day for two weeks before getting one day off. Ara was also a servant to Mrs. Grant in Waccabuc. So where is your high horse? Minority people you hated were in the same boat, sometimes suffering poverty – you might have had compassion.

MOM: In our minds, we were ladies from an elite family, the inteligensia – which was true – we were in an upper class in Lithuania. This made us superior, in our minds, to others who were lower down the social ladder.

When we arrived as refugees, of course, we lost our status, our place in society, & our wealth. But we were still great ladies, better than our neighbors & minority folks. This way of looking at ourselves made us feel important, superior; it was a feeling of comfort, reassured our egos.

When you hobnobbed with the kids I felt inferior, you were lowering our status & insulting our position.

ME: Eventually you gained some kind of prominence with the Reader’s Digest plant in Pleasantville, NY. You wre in charge of the guest house & all the cafeteria / restaurant of the facility which fed all the employees. Did you feel you had a reached a high status there in Pleasantville & it justified your self image? Did you maintain your prejudices then, until death, or did you straighten out?

MOM: I maintained my hate of minorities. Remember when you brought that Puerto Rican girl to my apt in Pleasantville? She was only 7 years old, but I told you, don’t bring any of those type people here again. And as far as my status, yes, I had risen above all the humble conditions of the past & thought myself a great success.

From top to bottom: Parents get married, they dancing first year in America, Dad as a young professor, Mom age 26

ME: Did you ever regret abusing me? And

did you realize that you had left your spirit behind in family members? I would be afflicted by that spirit in these people long after your death, even at the age of 75 when you have been dead 42 years – these people do the amazing trick of justifying the abuse while pretending it never happened.

MOM: Hahaha. I was an effective abuser. Did I ever regret it? On my deathbed I made repentance, due to your prayers, & I was saved. Somehow I knew this abuse was the ‘chiseling down’ of you which would turn you into a saint, so it was God’s will. Don’t blame me, I did as God wanted.

ME: Very funny. There’s an argument to be made for the torturers & traitors of Jesus, that it was God’s will, but they still had to pay the price for their sins. You were in Purgatory a long time – 24 years – & your place in Heaven is not high. Do you wish you had been a better person?

MOM: In Heaven we are not capable of feeling regret, we’re perfectly happy no matter where we are, & of course, saints enjoy more bliss than I do, but what I have is the justice of God. I deserve no more, so I don’t wish for any more. {End chapter 7}

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