Core Tenets, Uncategorized

Psychological Murder

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Rasa passport photo, age 4 1/2  -  Could not speak English in kindergarten, but when they saw her do a drawing, they put her into a higher grade.  She was thrilled.  By 6 years old her English was so good the teacher, Mrs. Baker, had her read to the class from a book until the kids exclaimed ‘Her lip is bleeding!’.  She was a prodigy at art {with Dad’s encouragement} & was featured in a museum exhibit for kids – but suffering trauma when she lost her Dad’s company – she vowed never to draw again.  But her last painting gasp – age 16 – a wonderful black lady teacher asks her to submit a painting for a contest for 5 NYC schools.  Rasa buckles down because of this teacher’s love, & creates a watercolor called ‘Water Tower,’ seen from the view of her 6th floor B’klyn apt she shares with her Dad.  She wins SECOND PLACE!   The painting is exhibited in the school.  Her artistic talents veer into other arenas – modeling, dancing, & in middle age, photography & movie production.



 Rasa leaves home age 16 to become a model, dancer & actress in Hollywood, CA.  She works for the top photographers there & later, in Vegas {Helmut Newton} for Playboy Magazine & in NYC, Irving Penn for Vogue, doing body building…

Below Rasa pictured with Aunt Dagmar & Mom, just arrived to the states, Rasa doing some kind of ‘high 5.’  Later the aunt she adores will say, ‘How dare you pray for your mom {Mom was dying} – God will not hear you because YOU SELL YOUR BODY!} Mom was in the hospital dying of cancer, the docs gave her months, Rasa asked ‘Can I pray for you’ at her bed, & did so.  Mom then COMPLAINED to her sis, Aunt Ara, steaming up Ara’s wrath…  These are the repercussions for being in the ‘adult trade,’ – a Patriarchal society will not let a woman live in peace, she is condemned forever.

Rasa becomes a star, featured all over newspapers & television world wide.  She’s visiting Aunt & exclaims proudly, ‘They just did a  story on me in the Daily News!’  Dagmar answers, ‘We use the Daily News to line the dog kennels.’


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Rasa’s Grandma Luba, {Russian Cossack} Aunt Dagmar age 15, Dad Stasys, Mom

Regina Elizabeth, age 17 & Grandpa Vincas–Lithuania


Chapter 6    I Strip for God Part 4



5-28-21 Principles of Psychological Murder


What my Mom / Family Did to Me

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 Aunt Dagmar, Grandma Luba & Uncle Henry arrived on this boat.  Henry’s in the middle in a checked shirt.

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We  {parents & kids} arrive as refugees on this boat, the  Gen. S.S. Heintzelman, a Navy ship,  June 1949 – First thing I see is Statue of Liberty, & in a song I wrote for my Broadway show I go,  ‘I see an angel, I see an angel calling me – No more Stalin, no more Hitler, Hello God’!



Had this dream years ago which explains psychological murder: There was a girl age 16 who was active downtown in NYC, going out a lot. Her Mom took a knife & stabbed her so many times; she was lying in a pool of her blood on the sidewalk, dead.


          I go to the Mom, who lives in a trailer, knock on her door. She opens it & I say to her,


          “You killed my daughter, but I forgive you.” {End of dream}


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        Mom, passport photo, age 26


 This is my Mom, & the daughter is my human self or flesh, & this describes what Mom did to me & how I, the God Self, reacted. Forgiveness is one of the earmarks of being a Christian, of any good religion. Revenge is one of the most heinous but sadly, common sins. I learned from saints to take the example of Jesus Christ & his Holy Mother, how they forgave those who persecuted & crucified him.


          We have gone over the abuse issue in Parts 2 & 3 at length, but it bears repeating as some of the big factors of my life are restated with new perspectives. My life cannot be fully fathomed unless the abuse is explained – it’s been an integral part of my life experience. And it is not moaning & groaning or complaining, it’s explaining. I need to remember this:

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         Dad as a young professor in Lithuania – He was more of a caregiver for me than Mom, he was kind & sensitive, Mom was hard & mean & became cruel when I turned 10.


Jesus Christ {& all his saints, past present & future} was permitted by God Almighty to suffer tortures for the sake of others. So consider – it was God’s will that Jesus be unjustly arrested; God’s will that he be scourged with whips that contained bits of jagged metal; that He be crowned with 3” thorns on his Sacred Head; that He be humiliated, slapped in the face, mocked, & then, that He carry a Cross where the weight of it bore through the bleeding flesh of his right shoulder; that He be placed on the Cross, his Sacred Feet penetrated with huge nails; that his Sacred Arms be dislocated when the soldiers had not put the marks for the nails in the right place, they pulled his arms out to fit the marks, & nailed his Sacred Wrists there; God’s will that He be abandoned by all but one of his disciples, laughed & jeered at by crowds, etc. {Esoteric visions gotten from Anne Catherine Emmerich, who wrote the ‘Passion of Jesus Christ’.}


          All these things of God’s will were anticipated by Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He surmised, maybe this cup should pass him by, but then He said,


          “Thy Will, not mine, be done,”

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         How I looked from top to bottom, age 13 in 8th grade graduation dress, age 16 ready to graduate HS, & age 7, Delancy St Newark, NJ, the year my bro tried to impale me on a spear – The wound went into my thigh & halfway through the leg – Mom did not take me to the Doc for fear my bro would get into trouble – it therefore was not stitched up & took months to heal, the biggest scab imaginable


To me that wound had a connection with the wound thrust into Jesus’ side, called the Divine Stigmata – it is a symbol of martyrdom – Years later, 1982 – I received the Interior Divine Stigmata, which took 18 years of ‘dark night of the soul’ to get over.  Yes, I am One with God, whatever some people may think.


Which is proof that it was the will of God that Jesus should experience these atrocities. Had Jesus not, the Holy Gospel would not be what it is – but these items were an integral part of the Gospel or Good News of Jesus Christ – that God & He so loved the world, that God gave his own Son, an innocent, most loving person, to go through this. The Passion was a NECESSARY EVIL for the salvation of billions of people – & this passion was also lived by every Saint of God, of all religions, & what they suffered for the love of God is transmitted to the human race for their benefit.


          Now I join my account of abuse, for my good & that of the human race, for it brought me to where I had to be with God – by mortification, killing of the flesh & then, in that state, I was ONE with God – I could hear her voice, & I consented to her will in doing the projects spoken about. All the things I endured – even the adult trade – even being a cougar after 30 years of celibacy – were all planned to those who believed to go higher in spirituality & understanding.


          Did Jesus then say, ‘OK God, I have preached the truth, now I don’t want to suffer all this that flies to me in the Passion – let’s skip that by, I gave the message, I did miracles, healings & exorcism, enough is enough, let me live my life in peace.’

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         Some of my formative years were spent in a ‘Displaced Persons’ Camp’ in Germany.  Before going there my family ran a hotel for a nice German lady. 


 But He did NOT say that, & taking his example, shall I also say, in his footsteps, ‘Take away my abusive Mother, let her love me, take away the hate of my relatives, brainwashed, against me. Take away the unfairness, my being punished for all things I did not do, take away the prejudice, the judgment & condemnation of society toward me, for being in the adult trade; take away all the narrow minded gossip & defamation put on me.’


          Then there were spiritual sacrifices, such as the Divine Stigmata, which I paid for with 18 years in the Dark Night of the Soul – shall that be taken away?


          Indeed not. The pains of my life were necessary, the sacrifices, the persecution, unfairness, were all part & parcel of what had to be. And they are seen, in the eyes of God, the way that Jesus’ tortures were, as Jewels, Crowns, Diamonds, Rubies & Emeralds shining in all colors in the metaphysical world. Shall these Jewels for God be taken away? No, they are Precious &I shall keep them forever.

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          My Aunt Dagmar, Uncle Henry & Grandma lived in this mansion in Waccabuc, NY, on the third floor, in the employ of Mrs Grant, who owned Otis Elevators.  I would spend some time here during summers, an unforgettable experience.  My families lives were greatly enhanced by Mrs. Grant.  And by an interesting karma, I found out during the writing of this book, that I own a large chunk of Otis Elevators, received from my late husband, Richard Von Werder.

  One of the sons of Mrs. Grant, Danny, & I were romantic when I was 14 & he 19 – but two people in my family thwarted it.  Perhaps God paid me back for this loss with the Otis stock – compensation for losing his love & wealth.  {God has taken all I have lost & repaid me many times over, it’s the way She works when you ‘Put first the Kingdom of God, & all shall be added unto you.”}


I have tried to explain the BENEFIT of my trials & tribulations, & I will eventually explain how the ECONOMY of God had arranged, with all the bad stuff, the Grace coming out of it. For instance, I was deprived of money, resources, support, that was needed to sustain me & my child – it was brutal. But eventually, money, support came to me in God’s way that made up for all stolen, & more money &support was given me than I had lost.


          Say, in body building, for example: I made no money & recognition as I broke down the iron door for other women. They paid me back with ridicule & contempt – ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’ Hadn’t they done the same to Jesus? For all his miracles, Healings & deliverance, what rewards did he get? Only a tiny minority loved him, believed in him & comforted him.


          Eventually, a man paid me 10K to do the first book on female body building – this began my road to solvency as it was the most money I’d ever had – it was 1981 – I was 33.

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          Me in Waccabuc NY for the good times, age 6.  Mrs. Grant owned horses, gave riding lessons, Uncle Henry took care of the grounds, horses, {even shoed them}.  He was a great carpenter &  in emergencies, a plumber.  All the men in our family & acquaintance were skilled, everyone worked hard but knew how to have a good time & share holidays. My aunt took care of the house & two sons.  Their living quarters were exquisite.


And then, in spite of giant obstacles, big men who worked against me, I was finally recognized as the beginning of female body building & gained proper recognition.


          By the same token, every penny that had been denied me – the life insurance my first husband cancelled, my Mom depriving me as a child of even the permission to sustain myself – other people using me to make money but not giving me my fair share, when I danced or modeled – all this was overturned by one man, Richard Von Werder, my saint of a husband who helped & supported me while we were together, & on his death set me up for life. I would never be broke or desperate again. This was all planned by God. My celibacy is what brought Mr Von Werder to me. When I could marry no man because I was abstinent – Richard approved my vow & loved me – he said all he wanted was companionship & respected me for being a good woman–that was GOD working through him. I even saw it in a dream, he in the audience watching me dance, an angel tapping him on the shoulder & saying ‘there is your wife.’ Remember, God chose celibate Holy St. Joseph to be the husband of Mary & the foster father of Our Lord; in the same way God discovered the perfect man for me, a celibate woman, to love, honor & protect me – & he did.



          At age 16 I left my Mom’s abuse & went to live with Dad in Brooklyn.  Within a year I got an opportunity to be driven to California by a famous Playboy photographer, – I took the chance.  Things went sour with him & he threw me out on the street.  But within 4 years he saw me in Playboy, asked them for my address, went to see me in my charming house in Beverly Hills.  I had become a model & dancer & supported myself. {No help from family or any man.}  A hard life, sometimes not knowing where my next meal would come from, but I succeeded again & again & again, through my faith in God.


Again I say, the abuse of my family was MEANT TO BE, much of which I explained, but here again I must emphasize this point. Yes, it hurt. Yes, as a child I felt like killing myself. Yes, it destroyed my self esteem as a woman. I had no ‘self esteem’ nor any delusions of grandeur harbored by one who believes in their flesh. Lack of faith in the physical sent all of it to God, my One & Only, the trust, hope, faith & confidence was on God & God alone – for the flesh is weak, & the Spirit that quickens.



I am now 75 years old & at the end of my life, writing memoirs.  Right now on Part 4 of my life story, ‘I Strip for God, Parts 1 & 2 are out, Part 3 will be out in a week or two.  After Part 4 I will probably write two more books, right away, on my life, as it’s been full of adventure & experience & my memory is good.  At age 63  I became a cougar, quit the celibacy of 30 years at the behest of God – God said stop suffering, go out & have fun.  But it wasn’t all fun & games, I ended up having heart attacks -  by the time I got to the hospital I was almost dead.  They said they didn’t know how many attacks I had had, I thought they were anxiety attacks, all caused by this love affair with Bob, a troubled young man. God tells me he & I will eventually be together but I have put our relationship on hold.  These memoirs of mine will be put into a major movie, I’ve been talking about it with my agent for years.  The movie will be big, I am told, winning Academy Awards.


The family pic, third below, – back row is Dad holding me, a friend, my Mom.  The old people in front left sponsored us to America, we lived with them, it’s 1949-1950 – calling them Grandparents, but they were distant relatives.  They respected Dad a lot & were going to set us up with 5 grand {a huge amount then} but Mom foiled it.  We lived with them on Ivy St, Kearny, NJ.


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College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized


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Continue Chapter 5   Hell Hath no Fury Like Arnold Scorned -

What Women Endure in the Adult Trade   5-24-21


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Some revenge tactics & pranks of Arnold. There were a couple brothers in the body building world that were popular, Mike Mentzner was always featured in Joe Weider magazines, & his brother Ray was up & coming. Mike was winning contests, featured in the magazines as a star. But he tangled with Arnold in Australia – Mike told him off in front of everyone including Joe Weider. Arnold didn’t say a lot but I noticed Mike & his brother disappeared from the magazines.


If you’re no longer featured in the mags, your body building career is over & so, Arnold ended the careers of these two guys. As I said before, Joe Weider did whatever Arnold told him.


So what did these guys do when they no longer had a spotlight – a place in Joe Weider’s kingdom? – they went from ‘big shots’ to ‘nobodies.’ They couldn’t handle it. They began to drink heavily – I am told by Randy Roach, {the world’s top chronicler of body building, author of the Encyclopedic, ‘Muscle, Smoke & Mirrors’} – and they drank themselves to death.


Arnold told Tom Minichiello he did not want me at the premiere of his first big movie, ‘Pumping Iron,’ even though I was called then the ‘Queen of Body Building’ & Arnold ‘the King.’ He’d never share his spotlight with anyone unless they favored him.


Today I believe he’s pals with Sylvester Stallone, but in the beginning, there was a picture of him & Sylvester they were going to put into Joe’s magazine. Arnold called to say don’t put the image. He’d give no glory or honor to Sylvester.

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But similarly, he told Tom Minichiello {a big shot in body building those days, he had his gym right to the bottom of the Roxy Theater, 42nd St, where I danced, I saw his sign advertising the Ms Americana contest, I walked in & asked if I could compete – he said yes, & that was my beginning} about an image where all the winners of 1972 Brooklyn Academy of Music show were posing – he was there, I was off to the side with my two trophies, second place Ms Americana & Ms Americana BEST BODY, posing with Franco Columbo. He told Tom he wanted no pictures out with him & me, but since the image was already done, his head was close to the upper frame – cut off his head. To my amusement, Tom did it that way, & sold me the image. Of course there were other copies of that picture elsewhere, so I have the one of him with & without his head.


And again, Arnold & I were in another show together – The Mr Universe, Ms Americana contests at the Felt Forum. My picture was featured in the Daily News promoting the show – Arnold complained that the important men were not getting as much publicity as the females.


At the Forum Arnold won his battle against Lou Ferrigno, I won mine. Once again & was second place Ms Americana & Ms Americana BEST BODY. At the end of the show all the winners – usually only men – posed on a platform, a couple feet off the floor, for the press. I wanted equal time for women, after all, I had got two important trophies. I jumped up on that stage, standing next to Arnold, & posed like the men did. Arnold went crazy. He muscled me off the stage – the way guys keep walking closer & closer as they pose & push the other guy off the select position in front of the judges – he did that to me radically, I was at the edge of the stage & had to JUMP OFF. He de facto pushed me off the stage. He knew everyone would see him do this but he didn’t care, he was so desperate NOT to have any pics out there, him & me. I’m sure someone took some pics with him & I standing there. Randy Roach checked with other people about my claim – they told him they saw it.


Once a guy asked Arnold how could he get more success & popularity while doing his poses onstage? Arnold told him to SCREAM after every pose. They guy did it & two men hauled him off the stage, believing he’d gone nuts.

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Another victim asked Arnold how could he get better nutrition & more muscle? Arnold told him get walnuts, & eat not only the nut but the SHELL. The guy did it & it tore up his insides. {How could anyone be so dumb to do that? There’s a limit to genius but none for stupidity.}


I was in the first Ms Olympia contest where Mike Katz was a judge. I heard him say to Harold Poole {the first black Mr. America, also a judge} ‘Check out #1 – She’s good.’ {That was me}


But Arnold was there – so was Joe Weider. Suddenly I went from ‘She’s good’ – to last place. And I have noticed that there are no pictures of me in that contest wherever I looked – like I was photo shopped out. How fanatic can you get, was I that important to ‘get even’ with? Arnold also saw reporters approach me, he quickly ushered them away to other females. If I was so inadequate as a body builder, why did he have to go out of his way to deprive me of attention? Wouldn’t I just fail on my own? He saw me as some kind of a threat, a person who had hurt him & so had to be forever punished.


The Adult Trade – What a Female has to Endure



          It was my destiny or God’s will that I be in the adult trade. I shall go into why later – right now I’m explaining why I needed strength & I got that strength from God plus harsh treatment toughened me up.


          People who are not in it don’t know what a woman goes through in the adult trade. It’s hard enough being a woman where you’re deprived of human rights, paid less than men, looked down upon in many ways – but add to that the greatest taboo in our society being nudity & sex – & you hit the jackpot for abuse.


          Of course it’s changing – right now men are being exposed, vilified & punished for their sex activities & crimes – but when I was growing up, it wasn’t that way – this target on men for sex has only started recently – I was middle aged by then.


          Not saying we women are now off the hook – there still exists prejudice against us.

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          It’s the way we are treated, it goes across all borders, touches all horizons. I will ask Mother God for help as I find it difficult to express myself on this, it triggers pain. Mother God, what did I have to endure being in the adult trade, that required great strength?


          MOTHER GOD:   You are vilified for things you’re not guilty of, there are assumptions, fantasies, projections put on women in the adult trade. You are guilty in the eyes of people for making men lust, that makes you a sinner. You are guilty of sinning with men where you haven’t sinned – maybe you did nothing, maybe sex isn’t a sin.


          In other words, you are condemned without trial, without evidence of wrongdoing.


          The adult trade is just a job. You don’t have to be a bad person to be in it. But society in many cases labels you a bad person. That isn’t fun to bear – when you are seen as ‘bad’ bad things are done to you. You aren’t treated with respect, you aren’t given the same consideration or love as ‘nice’ people get. The same thing is done to you as your family did – you become an outcast of sorts, you aren’t invited to the best places, the places where ‘respectable’ people gather.


          ME:   Mother God, explain how being perceived a ‘sex object’ is a form of abuse. People have great misunderstanding here.


          MOTHER GOD:   When a person is seen as a ‘sex object’ all the time, say, the way Anna Nicole Smith was, it diminishes her. No human is ‘just sex.’ We are not the body, we are an eternal soul that inhabits a body. The body is an instrument, a vehicle & servant of the God within.


          For people to stress only our body, again & again, as if we are nothing but that, is demoralizing, it is abuse. It is your soul or God Self that must be recognized, honored & validated.


          With someone like Anna Nicole or yourself, or any glamour doll, or any woman in the adult trade, people tend to emphasize the physical so much that it hurts. Yes, those in this trade had to get into it for money, in some cases, to validate something, like you being told you were weird & ‘not a nice sight to see’ by your family – they made you feel ugly, they didn’t love you, & so, you wanted to prove you weren’t ugly & validate you’re worthy of love.


          Being nude, dancing, posing nude, being Ms Nude Universe & all that did not mean you were a bad person.

Women in the adult trade are targeted with a lot of bad thoughts, feelings & actions by others. Much of it projection.

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When folks are brainwashed that sex is dirty, unclean, thoughts of sex are dirty, it’s all sin, sin, sin, & you have to be in a profession which magnifies nudity & sex, they project their own fears, frustrations, fantasies & sins onto you. They judge, condemn you as they have already judged & condemned themselves, deep inside the unconscious. Society told them these things are bad, so they feel bad about themselves but somehow they excuse themselves or hide their behaviors, but since you are on stage, you get the blame. It’s like guerilla warfare. They’re behind the bush shooting at you, you in the middle of the field get hit.


ME: Just to cap this convo for now, Mother God, what is the greatest sin of mankind?


MOTHER GOD:   The greatest sin is not caring about others, not loving others. We must love others as we do ourselves, they are just as important. We must have compassion & empathy for all, including animals, including all of God’s creation.


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College of the Gender War, Core Tenets, Uncategorized


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I Strip for God  Part 4


Chapter 5    Triumph over Adversity    5-22-21


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          What I will attempt in this book is to portray how I overcame challenges & adversities by my Faith in God, & strangely enough, how the abuse which my family proffered, trained & prepared me for the future.


          The first challenge was to get over the abuse;byfighting the negatives within it, resisting the urge to internalize their hate.  To do that I had to practice the virtues of Jesus Christ – love thy enemies, do not hate or take revenge on them – forgive them – get over it. 


          But I must say this.  It was all planned, it was for my good, & the abuse started at age ten, not before that.  This is important.  Being severely neglected or abused in infancy causes brain damage. {I’m not sure what is the cutoff point for infancy?  Could it be Freud’s 5 years?  As he said what happens the first 5 years determines the future.} This destiny God protected me from.


 Children who are abused or neglected in infancy, & prior to ‘the age of reason,’ {considered by some to be 8} will probably suffer irreparable harm – their lives will be problematic.   {This is not to say that all failures & losers were abused.  My brother Jim was never abused but pampered, yet he was not a good fellow.  Others I watched suffered not one iota of abuse, but were held up & supported by family but were not angels.  Lack of abuse doesn’t guarantee sainthood.}

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          A man named ‘Harlow’ did extensive & cruel experiments on infant monkeys.  Those who were totally neglected developed lesions on the brain – this cannot be corrected.  In humans we call various forms of this Attachment Disorder {only the most extreme cases have the brain lesions}; it’s pandemic in a Patriarchal society where Mother authority / nurturing is compromised; the worst cases are called Radical Attachment Disorder.  This was only ‘discovered’ or identified recently, the 70’s, after Americans began adopting children from war torn Ukraine, they had developed this malady in orphanages. 


{But I have seen documentaries that evidence this from the 50’s & 60’s on Youtube – what they did to children in experiments is pitiful.  Instead of giving them the love they need, they studied them, which reminds me of the men at the Tuskegee University syphilis experiments – none of them were given remedies but the progress of their illness was studied.}


          I published a book called ‘Breastfeeding is Lovemaking Between Mother & Child’ – which has this article in it, {condensed by me} from Dr. James W. Prescott, PhD:


Alienation of Affection



          Deprived of their mothers, Harry Harlow’s monkeys were at times apathetic, at times hyperactive & given to outbursts of violence.  Raised in isolation, they were socially inept:  they often held themselves & rocked like autistic children.


          What Harlow could not know in the 50’s & 60’s was that these behavioral disturbances were accompanied by brain damage.


          During formative periods of brain growth certain types of sensory deprivation, such as lack of touching & rocking by mother – result in incomplete or damaged neuronal systems that control affection {for instance, the loss of nerve-cell branches called dendrites}.  Since the same systems influence brain centers associated with violence, in a mutually inhibiting mechanism, the deprived infant may have difficulty controlling violent impulses as an adult.


          James W. Prescott has an incredible website called Origins of Peace & Violence:

He is formerly the Health Scientist Administrator, Developmental Behavioral Biology Program, National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, National Institutes of Health.


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          I wanted to make a strong point about abuse – how in infancy, early years it is MOST SERIOUS & has dire consequences, & I was SPARED from this.  My abuse started in a concerted, conscious way by Mom & those she brainwashed at age 10 – by then my brain was developed & so there was no incidence of brain lesions or damage.


          My first ten years went like this:  I was given love & affection by both parents to different degrees.  Mom breastfed all of us – that is important for affection as well as Immune System Development.  She did not single me out for ten years, it started when she & Dad split & not right away – they separated when I was 9 – & the abuse started after the separation.


          My Father was affectionate to me like a Mother.  He was tender, kind & sensitive.  He’d hold me in his lap, take me on walks hand in hand, he paid attention to all my activities & encouraged me – he took the place of the soft, sensitive Mom.  He was the whole world to me.


          Mom was ‘hard.’  In the last book she identified herself, in the way she was to me, as a ‘Monster.’  I can’t argue with her.  I recall her & Dad, him on his hands & knees on the floor, she sitting on his back beating him with her fists.  She was a psychopath – not all bad but to me, after age 10, monstrous.


          However, they gave me a good education & exposure to the Church; the Church gave me meaning to life & the answers.  As Jesus said, ‘I am the Way, the Truth, & the Life.’  This is God speaking through him.  I don’t believe He meant his historical flesh was the only way, truth & life, his example was.  What He taught & lived was.  And He is not the only one who gives us this Spirit, all those who are One with God are of this Spirit, & they also are ‘Living Gods.’


          But I didn’t know all that when I went to Catechism.  I had Catechism in a Gothic Church, taught by contemplative nuns in black robes {who I adored & obeyed.}  They told me to sacrifice candy, I did.  They told me to take the blame for someone else’s wrong doing – I did.  One told me she was married to Jesus Christ – that was one of the knots on the belt of her robe; I from then on aspired to that & it would happen.


          Our week was filled with education:  Regular school, Catechism, Saturday Lithuanian School & Church on Sunday.  I took it all seriously.  My first Holy Confession & Holy Communion were great milestones for me.


          There were also healthy & happy community events, recitals, shows where we kids performed {I recited poetry} & Dad gave speeches {never failed to say we had to release our country from Communism.}

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 We were members of a creative community, all our holidays were feasts shared by a dozen friends.  The singles were invited, some couples.  I recall our gay female photographer, Panele {Miss} Narkailunaite always present; she fat & jolly, smiling, laughing, loveable.


          Never in my life did I neglect prayer, meditation or supplication to God & not only for me, but the whole world.  I recall my child’s prayer constantly was, ‘Dear God, please help everyone.’


          In my grammar school in the country, age 9, there was a field adjacent to our school yard.  I’d write my petitions to the Almighty on slips of paper, release them into the field on the wind, & all my requests were answered.

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          Now to continue my point, that I was not damaged but empowered  by my sufferings.  Yes, it hurt, & it hurt a long time, years & years, like most people do, I kept asking WHY?  And God kept saying, ‘To make you strong.’  But I didn’t get it until recentlyI couldn’t picture what they did to me making me strong, I only felt the pain.


          But the fact is I faced a whole number of abuses & obstacles in my life, & if I had been WEAK I could not have succeeded.  Here’s a list:


                               Being a Woman


          John Lennon said, ‘Women are the niggers of this world.’

          As a woman I had many obstacles men don’t have.  A friend of mine who changed his sex from female to male said that everywhere he went he was treated like a God once he changed genders. {His name is Les Nichols, I made a movie of him when I was producing called ‘Who is Inside Les Nichols?}


          I don’t think I have to explain this deeply – we all know that the 50’s & early 60’s when I began my move to adulthood were frightening times for women.  Everywhere you turned, a man was in control, I mean everywhere.  With the feminist movement things improved & now we’re moving into Matriarchy in leaps & bounds.  My first revelation from God was 1971,


          “Satan rules the world, & he works through men.”


          This disclosure from the Divine predicted my life’s work – Resisting the devil & all his tenets & temptations, his put downs & hatreds – & empowering women.  You can see how God had to arm me for battle with this foe.  The armaments were those described by Paul – the Shield of Faith, the Sword of the Spirit, the Helmet of Salvation, the Breastplate of Righteousness, Girdle of Truth, Sandals of Peace.  More on that:


 Ephesians 6:10–18


For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.


Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

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          And so I demonstrate in this book that I was armored for battle, Our Lord’s battle, Holy Mother’s battle, against the forces of evil, most of which are enmeshed in Patriarchy, & I was given the education, then the suffering to toughen me up.  I could not be a tenderfoot or a wilting flower, I had to have this armor spoken of, & when I entered the adult trade, I needed it.  When I became the Progenitor of Female Body Building I needed it.  When I was the Stripper for God I needed it.  All these projects required faith & what kind of faith?  Not in myself, for the flesh is weak, had I relied in personal self I would have cracked.  No, I had little self esteem as a person or woman, no delusions of grandeur.  But I had total & complete faith, hope; trust & confidence in God, always had & always will have.


Battles I WonFemale BodyBuilding


          Is life a battle?  It certainly is, from time to time.  Just surviving can be a battle; then again, presenting new ideas to the world, representing them so the world improves can be daunting.


          Here is one thing my tough training prepared me to do:  Female bodybuilding.  I was finally given the award, ‘Progenitor of Modern Competitive Female Body Building’ by the World Body Building Guild in Feb, 2007.


          I explained in my book ‘The Origin & Decline of Female BodyBuilding’ is that it wasn’t about bench presses; it was about women’s rights.  On stage men were honored & paid, women were degraded as a ‘side show’, no money, no honor – same ole’ sex symbol stuff.


          My job was to bring forth the idea that women could be serious weight lifters, & they had a right to get muscular & still be respected, not laughed at.  They were not dykes or weirdos if they got muscular; they had muscles just as men did, why not develop them?  It was a taboo to develop our muscles; we were forced to be ‘feminine.’


          I will channel Mother God.  Mother, explain the challenge I was facing – in the beginning I was all alone, it was before Lisa Lyon, who was second {will explain some important dynamics here later}.  Explain in your words what the hardship was to present this idea of women lifting weights.


          MOTHER GOD:   You were storming a bastion of male supremacy; it was one of the enclaves where they reigned supreme.  Yes, men are bigger & have more testosterone by nature, they used this as part of their proof that men should dominate, as if physical strength determines who should lead, because might makes right.

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          It was a dangerous thing to challenge this assumption.  Men were scared, threatened, by the thought of women getting physically POWERFUL.  Everyone respects power – If they were bigger, stronger, had permission to work on this & increase it by any means, such as steroids, well & good.  They were in command.


          You were saying ‘society should permit women a level playing field.  They have muscles as do men, why can’t they develop them to the max?’  So you were frightening men, & they fought back with ridicule, laughter & lies.  At times it was uncomfortable; to break down any taboo or stereotype is a hard job – but you did it.


          ME:   And so, by doing this, presenting the idea to the national media, what exactly was accomplished?


          MOTHER GOD:   You empowered women & disempowered men.  Once they leveled the playing field & at least to some degree gave women as much leverage as men {not completely, several times they tested women for steroids but not men} women body builders shocked the world.  With enough steroids, they could be as muscular as the guys!  No one anticipated this, but we saw it with our own eyes.


          There were repercussions globally – it began a trend for women to become ‘macha’ or play the role of a tough cookie, not all became aggressive like pit bulls, some moved toward assertiveness, but being ‘feminine’ was no longer MANDATORY.  It opened the door for women NOT to be dominated by men. 


          You were accused of various things, such as wanting women to be lesbians & hating men.


 One of their arguments:  The males attacked you on the steroid issue.  They said ‘Hey, testosterone is a male hormone.  Why should women take it?’  You answered that if men had so much testosterone, why were they taking more?  And you pointed out that women also have testosterone, just not as much.  And so, if it’s OK for men to take steroids, it’s ok for the women.


Basically you invaded a male stronghold & broke down the door.  After this opened up, you weren’t needed.  It only takes ONE leader for the rest to follow, they imitate, the movement starts, it changes the entire world.


          When you did the Tom Snyder Show with Lisa Lyon in 1980, you told her about your 1975 Esquire article – the first article on female body building in a national publication.  She was startled & said, ‘That was you?’  This was proof she got the idea from you, the first.  And yes, she did a lot of promotion backed up by Arnold Schwarzenegger & Joe Weider.


  The Book: The Origin and Decline of Female BodyBuilding 

Kellie Everts brought forth Female Bodybuilding by taking the idea to the mainstream media, where it entered into our culture permanently; women will never be the same. Kellie Everts was honored in 2007 as The Progenitor of Female Body Building, the one who got Modern Competitive Female BodyBuilding started, by the World Body Building Guild.


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          ME:   Mother God, shall we mention my ‘battle’ with Arnold, how he tried to steal my thunder by promoting Lisa Lyon as he had a grudge against me?  And do you agree that his treatment of her was at least in part revenge against me, or am I being paranoid?


          MOTHER GOD:   Indeed, he was your adversary.  You were attracted to his best friend, Franco Columbo & were flirting with him.  Arnold came up to you demanding attention & lured you backstage where some hanky panky occurred.  But you weren’t infatuated with Arnold, you liked Franco, so you cuckolded Arnold with Franco.


          This got under his craw, & other things happened where you were lifted up or praised in the media, while he was being put down or ridiculed, & instead of hating them who did it, he, already hostile toward you, took it out on you.


          He did many things later on that were really big for Lisa – he got her a book by a famous author, he took amazing images of him & Lisa cavorting, with the help of Joe Weider, the notable image on Lisa’s back appeared in her book, ‘Body Magic.’


          He didn’t do it just for love, yes, they had an affair he said, but part of it was revenge.  At this point it was time for support & recognition, he used all his power, together with Joe Weider, to award her & deprive you.  At the time it was hurtful – you were swept under the rug by these powerful men, she was held up on a pedestal, it wasn’t about truth or fairness, it was politics.


          We aren’t going to belabor all the details now as you aren’t in the mood.  Suffice to say, in the end, you prospered & prevailed.  All the forces these big men put out for her, while ignoring you, were meant to make you diminish in the eyes of the world & her to be recognized as the number one – except it didn’t work.


          Over the years you did leave body building because you had done your work, what had to be done, it had changed the world.  But one day in 2006 you began to write accounts of your claims to body building recognition.  You gave proof of what you did, all the dates & times, on your ‘Kellie Everts’ website.  No one could refute, after reading that, that you were the first – the facts were there.


          Because of your accounts, the WBBG gave you the award & recognition for getting modern competitive female body building started – they did not give the award to Lisa.  Joe Weider & his International Federation of Body Building awarded her for doing great publicity, but that was not the same – only one woman was recognized as Progenitor – & that was you.

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          It took a lot of perseverance for you to stand up to the likes of Arnold & Joe.  You suspect that someone from their camp kept taking off information from your Wikipedia page, where credit was being given you as the first – but after you got the award – they could not deny the award & there it stayed.  So you stopped Arnold & his friend Joe from DEPRIVING YOU OF THE CREDIT DUE YOU.  That was another project requiring strength.


          ME:   OK, Mother God.  I’m beginning to see where hard training at home, deprivation, being ignored, being despised, made me not only stronger but also more ambitious, so being abused made me able to take more abuse – the world sure does meet it out – & I had ambition to prove myself.  We might talk on this more in the future, right now, I’m OD’d on it.  Thanks.


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Core Tenets, Uncategorized


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Management of Entertainers & Success Principles


        I might add here an important principle I learned. In show business or any endeavor as a matter of fact, publicity / advertising / promotion, does NOT come to you, you have to go to it. Unless you’re willing to make calls to the media, write letters, go on interviews, not much if anything will happen to promote your product / project or person – nothing.


        I’ve been involved recently with photography, hiring male models – also friends with ‘rappers.’ What dunderheads they are. They think because they’re handsome or put out good songs the world will be at their feet, but no one will not notice them unless they go out with gimmicks, promotion, & publicity stunts.

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        The local rappers I know think because they put their music on ‘Sound cloud’ or the like they will get big outfits like Sony to discover them & give them contracts – nothing of the sort. NOBODY will notice your music on Sound cloud or any other venue, unless you GO TO THEM, demonstrate your worth, prove your value. You have to be pro active, do things, to get the big shots interested in you, you have to work at it, if not every day, a few days a week, week in, week out, month in, month out, for YEARS. Even then there’s no guarantee, but it’s a possibility you might get somewhere if you have what it takes.

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        I have tried to explain these principles to the male models & rappers but they don’t listen. They assume that what I know applies to ‘back in the day,’ but today is DIFFERENT in their field of music or modeling. It’s the same world of promotion today as it was a hundred years ago; nothing has changed but the technology. Barnum & Bailey was no different, Sol Hurok Presents was no different, the Great Caruso did the same thing a rapper or model has to do today – if you don’t talk to the media, no one knows who you are, no audience, no promotion, no star.


        And now hear this – you need a manager. If you don’t have a manager who knows what to do or how to do it, you must do it yourself – like I did – & it takes work, guts, dedication, you put your nose to the grindstone, & it never ends, if you stop, it stops – no more publicity.


        And as far as manager – why would someone take you on when you’re a nobody, who isn’t making any money, & you can’t pay them? Patrick Curtis took on two different women. The first was Raquel Welch. She was a beautiful nobody, but what she gave him was herself – they got married & worked as a team full time, with a plan. They got her on magazine covers in Europe, which was a start; her foot was in the Hollywood door.


        After Raquel was launched he got with Linda Evans, moved her career upwards in ‘middle age’ {star of Dynasty}. They got married, so that was the deal.

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{Patrick Curtis saw me in a beauty contest in Hollywood where I won ‘Most Voluptuous, wanted to get involved, but at that time I was on another project.}


My point here is what would you give a manager? Why would a manager want to manage you, to get what? Unless you are sexually involved, romantic or very friendly, they look only to earning potential. You have to be earning bread & they get some, so if you don’t have anything SELL-ABLE, why would someone spend FULL TIME WORK ‘managing’ you?


One of my webmen earlier had managed a band. He knocked himself out getting them gigs. The lead was his friend & was grateful, but the other guys said, why should we pay him, when we do the work? My webby quit, & when he did, no more jobs, the band evaporated.


                It’s Not Who You Know, it’s Who You Blow


Another factor is COOPERATION. If the client doesn’t LISTEN to the manager, they can’t be managed – they won’t succeed. I tried to manage my beloved friend, Yolanda. I got her a photographer – he cajoled her number out of her & took images – all were too dark. {Don’t deal with the men you meet directly, your manager has to do all the contacts. Every man you meet alone will want monkey business, not only for females but males as well.} I got her into a BEAUTY CONTEST where I made sure she got an EXCLUSIVE AWARD – called ‘Most Radiant Health’ given by Yours Truly. Then the big break was I got her a part in a RUSS MEYER MOVIE. She screwed that up by letting him come to her apartment! After entertaining Mr. Meyer home alone, the deal fell apart – not sure why – & I gave up trying to manage Yolanda FOR FREE.


Like I said, the BIGGEST NO NO is personal contact with the employer – they will jump on your belly & fill you with jelly – they come & they go. It will be a BUST – most appointments I went on without the management were wrestling matches, after which the guys would admit there was no part anyway, or they gave it to someone else already, or after you win the fight they tell you you aren’t right for the part after all{the usual bullcrap.}

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That being said, sometimes YOU HAVE TO GET LAID to get to the top – sorry to have to admit that – as they say, ‘It’s not who you know, it’s who you blow.’ Many of the greatest stars, like ‘the King’ – Clark Gable – had to have PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS with their coaches / managers. Mr. Gable had an older female who taught him everything he knew, including speaking in a lower register. {I saw one of his early pics where his voice was too high.} Sadly, Carole Lombard cut into a dance of him & his dowdy wife & stole him away. But the Universe paid her back, her life was stolen in an airplane accident.}


It’s well known that Marilyn Monroe slept with some men to further her career. That would definitely be in the beginning – once you become a star you call the shots, they need you, they can’t mess with you. It’s a Universal truth – people who are on your ladder to succeed will DEMAND SEX. It’s a grueling fact, Raquel Welch said every appt she went on was the same. I would say 99%, there were 1 out of 100 there was no harassment.


Understand this – It’s only the SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS with that person/s who actually guarantees you help that you put out to. If you gave it to every Tom, Dick & Harry – most of which ‘jobs’ don’t pan out, you’ll feel used up & washed out, it’ll be degradation for nothing, it will hurt your self esteem / morale. This applies to men as well as women; I’ve spoken to about 100 male models for hours with all the scams they got put through & the sex demands.

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Btw every photographer of males is GAY – or at least bisexual – it’s all about sex, there’s scarcely any commercial work being done, a straight male would find it REPULSIVE to shoot sexy pictures of men. Most of the male photographers offer male models ‘trade’ but when they work, they GET MONEY FOR THE SEX. That was a secret it took me YEARS to discover when I was on ‘Model May Stay.’


When Elvis Presley met Col. Tom Parker, one of the greatest managers of all time, he was already a rock n’ roll star, he had hits – ‘That’s Alright Mama,’ ‘Hound Dog’, ‘Don’t be Cruel’ & ‘Blue Suede Shoes.’ He was a SMASH wherever he went. Col. Parker could see he had what it takes, & he, with Sen Hubert Humphrey, called himself one of the ‘snowmen’ – which meant he could con, persuade, manage anyone into anything. He took him on for money; he led him to the top, for 50%. And so, to get a manager you either have to give yourself to them or lots of money or BOTH, but if you don’t have what it takes – even with a good manager, how do you become a star?


Only one model listened to me, back in the time of 2012 to 2017 when I worked male models. I never met him – we spoke on the phone. We had two convos totaling EIGHT HOURS, during which I explained the principles of show biz success. He had ambition, desire, what it takes, he was gorgeous. He did have some drawbacks, but they were not huge & he was willing to what he had to. He got to the top of the modeling world with work for RALPH LAUREN. You don’t go any higher.

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The rest of the models & rappers haven’t listened, & they aren’t getting anywhere. They think my advise doesn’t apply to them, they can make it in their own way, today is different. But as I said, the principles of promotion are always the same. Anna Pavlova the ballerina & Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, were promoted by Sol Hurok, the same way then as now. Eugene Sandow, World’s Strongest Man, was promoted in the media same as today. He was a counterpart of La Belle Otero, a singer-dancer who had 5 kings of Europe seated at her 30th birthday table, where she danced naked atop the table. Josephine Baker, the black vaudeville star who made it big in Europe, made it the same way everyone else did – through the media. There is nothing new under the sun.


Let me just add this. Yes, I called the Press, which any stripper could have done. But WHY did they come out to interview me? Because I did something NO STRIPPER HAD EVER DONE, I worked for God when I danced, in 90% of the clubs I gave ACTUAL SERMONS before or after the act. When I could not preach, I would pray with the customers between shows – one time I saved a guy from SUICIDE. Let me digress:


        The Man I Saved from Suicide


        Did you ever see a person kill themselves? I did. It happened when I was working in Montreal.

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        I was standing at the Metro station waiting for the next train, when lo & behold, a young man to the left of me jumped onto the tracks, just as a train came & barreled over him. Everyone – I mean everyone –jumped back but me. I stood there staring, trying to comprehend what happened.


        A police officer came & singled me out to give the ‘deposition’ – which is an eyewitness account – not sure why he chose me, I guess someone told him I didn’t jump back but stood & stared, so I went to the office there underground & made out the document.


        I was upset by this incident, however, & the next day I went to the office & inquired why the man had killed himself, did they know? The officer told me the man had a relationship with the guy standing next to him & he told him,


        ‘If you don’t tell me you love me, I’m going to jump on the track & kill myself,’


        The man said nothing, so the guy jumped. The officer told me he did have some mental problems. I was deeply saddened.


        After that I prayed sincerely, ‘God, let me save a man from suicide to make up for this.’


        Some time later I was working in Washington DC, the second gig there, when a young man approached me for prayer. He said,


        “I have lost my job, then my girlfriend, I want to kill myself, pray for me.’


        I held his hands & prayed for 20 minutes. When finished I asked him how he felt, he said,


        “I don’t want to kill myself any more.”


        Suddenly I remembered my prayer. God answered it.


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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

The Road my Life Story


Chapter 4   The Baker-Berger Circuit


        The earliest event in my stripping career was the ‘Baker-Berger’ Circuit. Can’t recall details, but I started at $3 hundred a week, due to bad representation, but eventually got $5 hundred a week upon demand. Even that was not enough, the going rate was $6 hundred a week for stars, but I endured. Women less distinguished than I, whose credentials were fake {One claimed she was Miss Nude Canada – there was no such thing. Another said she was Miss Nude France – no such thing {no contests had been held}, another was a SEX CHANGE & they were all getting $6 hundred weekly. It’s all about how PROPERLY your AGENT represents you – btw you CANNOT get jobs without an agent – they don’t take you seriously. It’s the ole’ PIMP SYSTEM – men have to have their CUT from everything we do.


My CLAIM TO FAME was legit – I had been in PLAYBOY with 6 pictures of me as Miss Nude Universe – ‘The Most Beautiful Body in the World’ {the first of 9 times in Playboy, they documented my life} one of the most beautiful women of the last hundred years – the votes based on modeling, dancing at that time – I was a well represented nude model in many magazines, such as Gent, Cavalier, Penthouse, dozens of books & mags on covers, centerfolds & articles. The other stars ON THIS CIRCUIT did NOT have this kind of promotion.


Stars who got the most attention were elsewhere, had managers usually, made more money than I at the time – but I CAUGHT UP to the best of them simply by being the ONE & ONLY WOMAN OF GOD – STRIPPER – MINISTER – & like all my activities, it was LEGIT, not a fake, I was really the person I purported to be.


What put me somewhat in the shade was when they started to get BIGGER & BIGGER IMPLANTS & females like Kitten Natividad, Lotta Top, Candy Samples, {the previous 3 all had their implants removed in time, Candy later put another set in because her bf wanted it}, Topsy Curvy – DOZENS of them had got implanted like FF cup breasts & they also made PORN VIDEOS – which I wouldn’t do. {Not saying it’s immoral to make them, just saying who did, who didn’t.} For a while – until the fad crashed – everyone wanted the BIGGEST, so I did not have implants, I was a normal D to DD when I gained weight. And so, if a star had monster implants & featured in porn movies, it was a hard act to follow.


This might be a good place to add that my Stripping for God was NOT a gimmick – I was working for/with a living Guru I call ‘Rev. Judy Swaggart,’ who wanted me to TALK ABOUT HER everywhere I went, be it stages, newspapers, any media, tell them how great she was & about our Church – eventually this lead to my giving sermons. I did not PLAN to give sermons, it EVOLVED.

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The Circuit


        The Baker-Berger Circuit was a series of theaters owned by the two men, which went from Midwest areas like Canton, Ohio, to Atlantic City {before it became hot stuff for gambling, in 1972 they were debating it while I was dancing, on the radio & they asked my opinion, I was for it. Little did I know that it wouldn’t help poor people much, big business stayed in the hands of the rich}, New Jersey with their flagship theater on 42nd St, NYC, the ROXY Theater.


                Atlantic City before Gambling


Anecdote: On the beach with a battery-operated record player & Mario Lanza records blasting. Obviously I was then strongly connected to Mario. Had always loved him since day one, even now, when I listen to his songs on the internet, I feel the Presence of God. My Latin co-star was with me, with this anomaly, it gave plenty men the excuse to chat us up. I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t have.


The Atlantic City Show included A REAL SHOW, old-time burlesque with comics & an attractive, busty, bossy lady actress who’d obviously been a stripper back in the day, but was now around 60. Yes, the show was hackneyed, out-of-date, but it was a show, the only one on the circuit.


I shared a room with the prima donna. Her German shepherd lunged at me – she refused to be there without him, every stripper that tried to share a room with them vacated. They said he almost bit Busty Russell. {Years later, 1981, I met Busty Russell who came to see my show & she said I had a good act, so, of course I liked her.}


Al Baker was present, boss-in-residence, living in a luxurious penthouse. Every stripper got to meet him there, including me – I was the only one that didn’t have sex with him – instead he used me to channel his dead wife. The millionaire did not offer me cab money home, I had to ask. He was one of those Simon LeGree types, pushing people around, telling them off, making them feel small. It might have been here that I pushed him for a raise, but he refused to give the legit amount that all the stars got – $600 as I said before, he only gave me $500 & felt proud of himself.


It amused me when my Spanish co-star told me this ditty. She went to see him for sex – he got EVERYONE while I was there, to meet him for sex, even a wretched off-the street drug addict who looked like she crawled out of the gutter in Baltimore {I cringed when she got on stage, she just walked up & down, didn’t know how to move, dance, nothing – was ugly too. But Al Baker solicited her for a date.}

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Anyway, Raymonda told me she taught Baker this trick. She took a handkerchief, put a series of knots into it, & shoved it up his ass. When you pull the thing out it’s supposed to give you a thrill. I thought what a monkey he was.

I recall one poignant scene. In my hotel, in the lobby, a middle aged Irish lady sat there, all alone, singing Irish songs to herself, with a lovely voice. It brought tears to my eyes.


Atlantic City, like many seashore towns, made me feel at home, as I spent years living on a farm near Freehold – we used to go to Long Branch, Asbury Park, & Atlantic City summer. They were like small Coney Islands, with Ferris Wheels, all the usual merriments.


The greatest vacation I had ever had in my childhood was when Dad took us for a week to Long Branch. We lived at an ancient but wonderful hotel of a Lithuanian named Butkus {like the dog Rocky had!} with those thick feather covers on an old bed, all Lithuanians loved. {Mom was not with us, I believe she was having the baby of her new lover, Marius Bernotas, so we were scooted away to give them privacy}. Dad, who was usually thrifty, pulled out all the stops for a good time. We played all the games, ate all the ice cream & treats we wanted, & most of all, the closeness to Dad made it a dream come true.


Many other good times had been at the beach, so dancing in Atlantic City was lovely. Years later, after gambling was initiated, the dream bubble burst. All the old places were torn down; the life was gone out of it. Sterile, everything under strict control, hotels with luxury that didn’t move one’s soul, no old-fashioned rides, everything I liked had been removed – a big waste of nothingness to me – black, empty, meaningless, no soul.


                Canton, Ohio


I went through the Baker-Berger Circuit a couple times, you’d think I am stocked with memories, but not that many. I will pull out what I can. For me, the things that sometimes stuck out would not be what the average person would note, like this.


In Canton, Ohio, can’t recall the name of the theater, but I was in a park & I prayed. I prayed that God would help me make more money. I said I would be charitable. I walked away from the park, & two females came toward me, selling some kind of little flowers for was it veterans? They asked me to buy a flower, but I did not.


As they disappeared from view, God said to me,

“You told me you would be charitable, but you weren’t.”

I was SO ASHAMED. God put me to a test & I failed.


Another test I was so ashamed of. In fact, I recall it was Atlantic City. They were going to send me someone to bring me to the theater & he would carry my luggage. I had two pieces of luggage, one smaller, one bigger, I managed to put the small one into the bigger, so there would be only one piece of luggage & the guy would carry it. I figured they would send a strong young man.

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But the person who arrived was a slight older man with white hair even. He took my luggage & as we walked, he had to stop every 20 feet or so to get his strength. I was so ashamed. I saw him as Jesus, & I made Jesus carry the Cross. I felt like saying, hey, let me take the smaller luggage out of this, which I’ll carry, but I was too embarrassed as people were all over the street & would stare, wondering what we were doing. So I let him keep struggling & have forever recalled the image of Jesus carrying my cross for me, me not helping, so ashamed.


There were plenty more times when I did carry my own Cross & then some. At times I had 3 suitcases, big & heavy blue ones. Why didn’t I ever think of getting some kind of wheels? I would have to carry two like some feet, go back for the third, back & forth. One of these gizmos even had my weights in them, I always exercised on the road, religiously, they were 30 lbs of weights.

Tonawanda, New York


One time was dismal. My suitcase weighed maybe 60 lbs, I just had one. I was in upstate NY, Tonawanda, a horrible club where they paid me ‘by the door’ because the business was dead. Why did I take jobs like that? Because I had not many per year, & of course, they didn’t tell me it was dead, they also DID NOT ADVERTISE. If you don’t advertise, even if you have a good star, don’t expect business, so there were very few customers – some shows I made like $15 for the show. I believe they cheated me, also, because there’d be like 30 people in the audience, I was supposed to get the $2 per person they charged, so getting $15 I said what about all the people out there? They said oh, they were friends & people who worked there – it was a lie.


My hotel was about a mile away. The manager of the place would give me a ride to work; I usually got a ride back from someone who worked there. But the last night there, there were a couple characters acting up. One Marine was infatuated with me, pulled out a huge switchblade & said he’d take care of anybody that messed with me. No one was messing with me but the owners, so they took it that it was them he’d hurt. Now I was outside with my big luggage. The Marine came out & they locked the door.


But I had no ride, they weren’t giving me one – they were so scared of the Marine they just left me locked outside with him & another tough guy, a truck driver, who told the Marine to put his knife away or he’d take it from him.


I knocked on the glass door telling the owners I needed a ride back or to call a cab, but they wouldn’t let me in. I didn’t know the guys outside, even though the truck driver wanted to give me a ride in his big Mack, but he was a stranger. So believe it or not, I carried that 60 lb suitcase by myself back to the motel one mile.


Montreal, Canada


        This was early in my career, when I was feeling things out, experimenting. Actually, most of my career, the last ten years or so on the road, turned out to be mostly in Canada; Montreal, Toronto & some small cities & towns. They paid me the most money because their clubs were bigger – more capacity, so more people, more money. At the very end of my career I was offered two jobs that were amazing, one at the ‘Millionaire Club’ for 5K a week cash, & two, to go to New Zealand for two weeks for that price – the most money they had ever paid an entertainer. And here was the caveat – they said,

        “You don’t even have to strip. Just stand on stage & SPEAK!”

        But just at that moment, I had already made a solemn promise to myself to quit the road & start my own business. I have often looked back to that offer with sadness; I would have liked to have seen New Zealand.


        When I started working in Canada the glaring thing I noticed was how different the owners were from the Americans, they had manners & class, Americans were crude, huge difference.


        We had a disagreement with my first boss, at the ‘Sex Tuple’ club. I was booked for can’t recall, was it two or five weeks?

        He said my act was too long. I liked staying on stage a long time as it gave me a change to bond with the audience, {I was also used to being on stage 45 mins at a time as a go go dancer} but he had many females dancing & got me a guy to change my music for a good price. That music, which we fixed up, about a dozen audio tapes – served me for the rest of my career. I still have it.


        He had a couple advantages. One, he could get me any song I liked, he wrote down what I wanted & got it. Many were the rhythm & blues oldies of the 60’s which I used to dance to. And he gave me a dynamite bilingual intro, French & English, that sounded classy, with an echo chamber on his voice; impressive.


        How I stayed thin: Can’t recall what I ate for breakfast, but it wasn’t much. For dinner I went out & ate a modest amount & kept the bread with butter for later. After work, I ate the bread. I was probably downing 1K calories a day & lots of exercise, it was a hard thing to do, being hungry a lot, but you have to do this in show business where your body is the feature.


        How to Become a Star – Promotion & Publicity

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        As always, I did all my own promotion. No other star in the stripping field did all I did, that I know of, on her own, with no companion or helper, no boyfriend. Chesty Bounty would take her daughter with her on the road; most of the other big stars had husbands or boyfriends who helped them. Many females, who were not stars but traveled a lot, had guys with them. But I was always & forever alone, I was used to it, possibly because my family ostracized me, I was used to aloneness & standing on my own two feet.


        And so, when I got to Montreal, the first thing I did was go to the newsstand & check out the papers. There were two big ones, I called them both. One was the Montreal Star & I the other I think was called The Gazette. They both sent reporters.


        The next day I went to the newsstand & I was on the FRONT PAGE OF BOTH PAPERS with huge pictures! When I got to work everyone there was staring at me in DISBELIEF – this had never happened before in the history of the club.


        From then on in I had the greatest luck with Press in Canada – everywhere in fact. Most of the time I worked I was either on the front page or big articles inside the paper.


        I might add here an important principle I learned. In show business or any endeavor as a matter of fact, publicity / advertising / promotion, does NOT come to you, you have to go to it. Unless you’re willing to make calls to the media, write letters, go on interviews, not much if anything will happen to promote your product / project or person – nothing.


        I’ve been involved recently with photography, hiring male models. What dunderheads they are. They think because they’re handsome the world will be at their feet, but the world will not notice them unless they go to the world with gimmicks, promotion, & publicity stunts.


        I’ve also met musicians, rappers, who think because they put their music on ‘Sound cloud’ or the like they will get big outfits like Sony to discover them & give them contracts – nothing of the sort. NOBODY will notice your music on Sound cloud or any other venue, unless you GO TO THEM, demonstrate your worth, make appearances that draw people. You have to be pro active, do things, to get the big shots interested in you, you have to work at it, if not every day, a few days a week, week in, week out, month in, month out, for YEARS. Even then there’s no guarantee, but it’s a possibility you might get somewhere if you have what it takes.


        I have tried to explain these principles to the models I photographed, but most of them don’t listen. They assume that what I know applies to ‘back in the day,’ but today is DIFFERENT in their field of music or rapping or modeling. It’s the same world of promotion today as it was a hundred years ago; nothing has changed but the technology. Barnum & Bailey was no different, Sol Hurok Presents was no different, the Great Caruso did the same thing a rapper or model has to do today – if you don’t talk to the media, no one knows who you are, no audience, no promotion, no star.

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        And now hear this – you need a manager. If you don’t have a manager who knows what to do or how to do it, you must do it yourself – like I did – & it takes work, guts, dedication, you put your nose to the grindstone, & it never ends, if you stop, it stops – no more publicity.


        And as far as manager – why would someone take you on when you’re a nobody, who isn’t making any money, & you can’t pay them? Patrick Curtis took on two different women. The first was Raquel Welch. She was a beautiful nobody, but what she gave him was herself – they got married & worked as a team & both worked full time, with a plan. He got her on many magazine covers in Europe, which was a start; it got her foot in the door for Hollywood.


        After Raquel was launched he got with Linda Evans, moved her career upwards in ‘middle age’ {star of Dynasty}. They got married, so that was the deal.

{Patrick Curtis saw me in a beauty contest in Hollywood where I won ‘Most Voluptuous, wanted to get involved, but at that time I was on another project.}


My point here is what would you give a manager? Why would a manager want to manage you, to get what? Unless you are sexually involved, romantic or very friendly, they have to make money. You have to be earning money & they get some, or else you have to just straight out pay them. And so, if you’re a nobody, unless somebody wants you in exchange for intimacy, you miss the boat.


When Elvis Presley met Col. Tom Parker, one of the greatest managers of all time, he was already a rock n’ roll star, he had hits – ‘That’s Alright Mama,’‘Hound Dog’, ‘Don’t be Cruel’ & ‘Blue Suede Shoes.’ He was a monumental hit wherever he went. Col. Parker could see he had talent, looks & sex appeal, a winner. He took him on for money; he led him to the top, for 50%. And so, to get a manager you either have to give yourself to them or lots of money, but if you don’t have what it takes to make money, they have no incentive to take you on – it’s a FULL TIME JOB.

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Only one model listened to me, that I dealt with. I never met him in person – we spoke on the phone. We had two conversations totaling EIGHT HOURS, during which I explained the principles of show biz success to him. He already had ambition, desire, what it takes, he was gorgeous. He did have some drawbacks, but they were not insurmountable & he was willing to work hard & he did. He got to the top of the modeling world by becoming an icon for RALPH LAUREN. You don’t go any higher. His name is Kenneth Guidroz.


The rest of the models & rappers haven’t listened, & they aren’t getting anywhere. They think my advise doesn’t apply to them, they can make it in their own way, today is different. But as I said, the principles of promotion are always the same. Anna Pavlova the ballerina & Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, were promoted by Sol Hurok, the same way today as now. Eugene Sandow, World’s Strongest Man, was promoted in the media same as today. He was a counterpart of La Belle Otero, a singer-dancer who had 5 kings of Europe seated at her 30th birthday table, where she danced naked atop the table. Josephine Baker, the black vaudeville star who made it big in Europe, made it the same way everyone else did – through the media. There is nothing new under the sun.


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College of God & Love, Core Tenets


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5-15-21 Amazing ARNOLD contact


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          ARNOLD always represents absolute success – because he has it. This dream was so vivid it was more ‘experience’ than dream.


          Arnold is here, & he loves me. It’s an overwhelming feeling of acceptance. He’s big, strong, he picks me up, carries me in his arms, holding me close, body to body.


          There are several instances of his holding me, carrying me down the street, hugging me & it’s gratifying. At one point I’m wearing a beautiful mink coat, expensive.


          *(ARNOLD HERE:    This is Doctor Dan, a young male who I’ve been friends with since he was 18 & going to college here {he’s around 30 now & a full-fledged Doctor} – he called me last night, invited me to Phoenix AZ, & told me he loved me. He had a tremendously invigorating, consoling effect on me. When Arnold appears it’s one of the biggest signs of a SUCCESS.


MY BEAUTIFUL MINK COAT:   This could be a ‘Mantle’ as in the Old Testament’s prophet ‘Mantles’ which means their ANOINTING or the Light surrounding them, their Giftedness, their Supernatural Power.

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This shows my Anointing as an EXPENSIVE MINK COAT, FULL LENGTH, because my Anointing has been EXPENSIVE or hard won. In spiritual terms, the COST of something is the great SUFFERING one had to go through to get what they got.)*



          He afterward puts on my mink coat, but on him it doesn’t look the same. His body is bigger than mine, so the coat is too tight & also somehow doesn’t have the luster it did on me. On me it was clean, sleek & shiny. On him there’s a grayish tint & it’s dull. At that point I’m behind him walking. We’re going up & down the street, back & forth.


*(HE PUTS ON MY MINK NOT AS SHINY & BRIGHT ON HIM, HIS BODY FILLS IT UP FULLY:   This is interesting. It reveals to me that my Mantle has been put upon him, that is my strength or God Power, but he cannot contain it with as much facility as do I. His flesh is not as SURRENDERED or CRUCIFIED as is mine, his BODY is BIGGER or he has more of his FLESH working or un-crucified. {The term for one crucified is ‘No longer I live, but Christ in me.})*


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          I’m thinking it would be great if we met like this at night, downtown, on the street, & he acted like this, where everyone could see how much he loves me. It’s PURE LOVE.




5-12-21 Prophecy re Movie My Life n Visit to Purgatory


          There was some extra busy work going on around this building, many people. Then they took one large room & transformed it with a wall-to-wall green rug, the room was repurposed into a sort of ‘dance hall’ primarily, but vaguely, for women; like women were the main people who would be there although men were not excluded.


          *(LARGE ROOM, BIG GREEN RUG:   This has to do with my life story being produced, the movie. This ‘repurposed’ room is the symbol of the production; the rug is like ‘the red carpet,’ only the green here represents wall-to-wall money & LIFE. The word life could have two meaning, my LIFE story, & my book COMES TO LIFE, there’s a whole lot of activity or LIFE happening here.


          It being ‘for women’ is I have seen before in dreams that this will be most pleasant to women – my life – its female empowerment.)*

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          I see myself in a REST ROOM – dressing room. I am the only person designated for this room, but 5-6 women that were part of this large gathering are all at the door, needing to go to the bathroom. They seem to be ‘dressed up’, some wearing curly wigs, more colorful than average clothing, as that place with the green rug is a party-dance room.


         There isn’t any other bathroom for them, so I tell them to OK, come in, use it – you have no place else to go.


          The only thing wrong is the room needs to be CLEANED. Everything in it is white – mostly painted white. There are cabinet holders for things, all sorts of little amenities, but it’s all covered with sort of tiny black particles, like dust but not dust. How do I clean this? There is no cleaning equipment in the room. But I do find one washcloth; I take it, put water on it, & begin to clean. All that I wipe with this cloth gets totally clean. Then several other cloths appear, some light yellow with fringe, like as soon as I started cleaning it happened. This first one was WHITE & I didn’t want to SACRIFICE it by cleaning the entire room with it – it would turn dark & never be white again. I was even planning to clean the floor with it, but that wasn’t necessary as other cloths just appeared, & that saved the day. Everything became clean.


          *(THE BATHROOM WHERE I AM:   This is the STAR DRESSING ROOM. Needs cleaning could be the book needs a script, needs to be POLISHED, made perfect. But the non literal sense it’s a life that was basically PURE but the BLEMISHES or SPOTS had to be removed, cleansed, in the EARTHLY PURGATORY. Story of my early life is wall-to-wall suffering.


THE CLOTHS, WHITE WASHCLOTH, DON’T WANT TO SACRIFICE IT, And THEN OTHERS APPEAR, SOME YELLOW WITH FRINGE:   Cloths would be tools from the Grace of God, by which to cleanse one’s soul/life. The WATER is the HOLY SPIRIT. I got cleansed of all my faults & defects during my life. Other women want in on this, they want to be part of this or take my example.)*

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          The women coming to my door are probably the actresses who need to use this dressing room. In the metaphysical term, it’s women who need to ‘rest in me’ or find consolation by my example – the way a person would ‘rest in Jesus,’ in the wounds of Jesus, resting in the Lord is resting in his Presence, example, what He gave us, the way he suffered, in other words, for love, consoles us.)*


          There is a man here with a camera, like he’s making some kind of movie to do with this. He’s businesslike, going here & there, not paying attention to us, just working, slight build, light-rimmed glasses, short light hair. I think we were to be in the movie.


          Someone asks him what he got for making this movie & all were shocked when we heard FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS. What?


          *(MAN WITH CAMERA, BEING PAID 15 MILLION DOLLARS:   This is probably saying the production budget of this movie will be great, 15 million is a major movie. And it’s all about this book I just wrote; it will be the bridge for the movie. The man is a producer or director.)*


Last scene in this dream: I am on stage & I need to sing ‘Higher & Higher’ – the Jackie Wilson song, ‘Your Love Lifts me Higher & Higher.’ But whoever is the band or accompaniment is not playing any music, & so, I go, like ‘this is how I do it’ so they would know the key or how to accompany me, although I don’t know anything about keys, so I just want them to hear me sing.

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*(HIGHER & HIGHER:   Is my autobiography. God’s love lifted me higher & higher above the abuse; I got STRONGER, not beaten down by it.)*


So I begin to sing without music, & keep going, I’m belting it out. Most of the audience is women, perhaps ALL of them; they SURROUND the stage. I don’t actually sing the exact LYRICS, I somehow single out each individual woman & I speak the words to them which are personal, meaningful & SHOW LOVE to them individually. I tell each one why I care about her, somehow, what she means to me, it’s VERY PERSONAL. I recall one female real close to the stage wearing a thick grey sweater, she is bulky, the sweater has black Xmas designs on it across the chest, & I touch her arm – she’s right next to the stage.


*(AUDIENCE OF WOMEN, I TOUCH THEM PERSONALLY, ONE IN A GREY SWEATER WITH BLACK DECORATIONS:   My life shows examples of the sufferings of women, look at all the anecdotes, abused by Mom, many men, the greedy female Rev, my Dad abandons me, bro is not a bro, the men who tried to kill me & wanted to rape me or did so, all kinds of abuses all women suffer. So this says it will touch women personally.


The one in the grey sweater is covered by depression; the Xmas designs over the chest are a GIFT of suffering, like Our Lord’s Divine Stigmata, a total MARTYRDOM. She is touched by my story because she herself went through it.)*


Finally, the accompanist plays the music & it is SUPER LOUD / STRONG Jackie Wilson, but somehow I manage, I can hear ‘wisps’ of my voice that come through, & the audience INCREASES as I go along

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          *(ACCOMPANIST:   This is augmenting my song, life, story – at first I’m all alone telling it, but then there’s HELP & it’s when someone does something with it, probably producing the movie. It goes from ME all alone, personally singing, to a PROFESSIONAL RENDITION of it – like Jackie Wilson & his orchestra.)*

The show is a terrific SENSATION; I am a GIANT HIT because I show great personal love to the audience of women – one woman at a time.


          *(PREDICTION OF SUCCESS:   One more confirmation.)*  







5-12-21              UNDERGROUND


I’m in an underground facility, but it isn’t unpleasant. I’m looking for food, being hungry. I see a type of service place, not a restaurant where you pay, but a place where you are fed because someone here is feeding people, like a family, but it isn’t by any means my family, just saying it’s like that.


Everything is DIRT, the floor is dirt, maybe the walls, the rest is plain dark wood – not in any way ‘finished’ but like my basement, unfinished, but there are tables.


*(UNDERGROUND, LOTS OF DIRT:   Sounds like Purgatory, as it is always ‘closed in’ even when outside, you can see the limit to the sky.)*


One table the women have prepared delicious food & I can’t wait to eat it. I sit with a few other people, but they eat faster than me, & I don’t get enough, it’s all gone, & I’m still hungry.   I complain about that.


*(I WANT FOOD, BUT SIT AT TABLE WITH OTHERS, THEY EAT FASTER THAN ME, I’M STILL HUNGRY:   This whole dream baffled me until yesterday {4 days after this dream} I looked through a pile of mail & saw that someone had ordered Masses for me for all of June, participating, with others, in these Masses.


I am not getting all the Grace from these Masses, others are ‘CONSUMING’ this BODY & BLOOD OF CHRIST faster than I am, & I wish for more.)*


Then I move to another table, a smaller one, with just me & one guy. He reminds me of the Marine I met in real life who was the beginning of me getting the Divine Stigmata.


He asks me do I know who he is? I say, are you a colonel? He’s startled by that – he doesn’t want to be a colonel, & he says no. I surmise he’s an ordinary soldier or a sergeant, when I said colonel, I saw him looming big, but when I realized he was not an ‘officer,’ he seemed to shrink in size.


*(DO I KNOW WHO HE IS? This is a Soul in Purgatory I knew in real life – not the colonel I was friends with but maybe the Marine I loved & wrote about in the Stigmata book. The colonel might have died long ago, as when I met him I was about 40 – he about 60 – but the Marine was young, about 35. He might have died not long ago & being close to ending his stay in Purgatory – I would be helping him, he talking about intimacy in the next scene would be being united, our Souls, where he could get my grace to ascend into Heaven – maybe.)*

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          As the conversation goes on, he touches my left thigh & says he wants to fondle me, make love to me. He asks me to leave with him. I have no intention of having sex with him, but I know he wants the other guys to think I consented – it would be good for his reputation, & I take my jacket from the seat across the table to leave. It’s the plain twill jacket made of a kind of dark army green, tortoise shell design buttons; this jacket seems bigger, roomier than the one in real life. From him I sense this area has something to do with the army or military, maybe there’s a base nearby, most of the men here are military.


*(MOST OF THE MEN HERE ARE IN THE MILITARY:   Could be that the Souls being helped are mostly those who died in the military or served therein.)*

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I then explore. I walk & come up upon another ‘cellar,’ which seems my own, at my house, only bigger & it’s pleasant. It’s well equipped, they are selling things for the poor, I think they have food I don’t see, but I notice a row of shoes & boots. At the end of this row is a pair of white boots, fancy, I gave to good will 10 years ago, now it’s being sold here so the poor can benefit. I am thinking I could buy this, wear them.


The boots are shiny, they are ‘buttoned’ or have knobs in front that lace up, then they go up about 5-6” & flare out. Here they are quite clean, as if I only wore them a couple times, I see just a few of those black specks I saw in that rest room in the other dream. Only the laces are MESSY, they are unstrung & not laced up, just kind of loose.


*(BOOTS I GAVE TO GOOD WILL 10 YRS AGO: This is some kind of sacrifice or charity I made long ago, not sure which way it goes, obedience to God in going back to sex & ‘having fun’ {which wasn’t} or ending the ‘sex & fun’ two years ago as I couldn’t stand it any more.


The STRINGS being LOOSE could be saying ‘No more strings attached.’ This definitely then sounds like two years ago when I stopped seeing my Beloved – the man I call Bob – I just stopped having sex with him or anyone else, for more than one reason. Perhaps this soldier, then, is Bob, not the real soldier I identified before, could be Bob has gone through battles with himself.)*


There is a GOLD LIGHT in part of the cellar, which is a welcoming light, & as I said, this seems like my own cellar only clean, pleasant & useful.


*(GOLD LIGHT has to be TRUE LOVE. This has to do with true love, but what exactly it says is a mystery.)*


I am then out with that soldier & another female is with us, he disappears. I ask her what happened, & she tells me he left, he was on LSD.


*(HE LEFT, HE’S ON LSD:   LSD is hallucinogenic, so what would this mean? Does it mean he went into ECSTACY & ascended into Heaven, if it is a Soul in Purgatory, or, if it’s Bob, my ex lover, how would it apply to him? Could it be some kind of spiritual contact he had with me that put him into BLISS?)*

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized

On the Road

ME 19 (2)

Chapter 1   Kenosha, Wisconsin  


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Where do I begin? I shall start with a place I remember clearly because I was HAPPY there. When I explain it it’s revealed what makes me happy – what does not. It will be the OPPOSITE of what folks imagine, how most people think. Let me just say it, cut the wordiness.


The owner first tells me I’m UNDERPAID. He said,


“Your salary doesn’t make sense. It goes from $500 a week, then it jumps to $1,000 a week – there’s no in between. Your agent asked for $600, but if you are Miss Nude Universe, you should be getting $1,000. When your agent told me $600, I thought what is wrong with her? She’s Miss Nude Universe from Playboy, I got the picture, you’re perfect – he isn’t representing you properly.”


Story of my life, perpetually underpaid. How did I know how things worked in this area of show biz? It was my first lifetime being a stripper, so that’s how it works? So give me that extra $400, but of course, he didn’t, I got the six hundred & that was that.


Now he puts me in a building that can only be described as ‘desolate.’ No fancy hotel, no comfy motel, a building where I’m on the third floor, the only occupant. Everything is wood; walls, floors, lacquered black. The hallway is lit with one light bulb hanging from the ceiling, no shade on it. My room is small, the bare necessities, {no sheets or blanket, I had to improvise. It’s been like that before in rooms provided by club owners} but somehow charming though bleak – the bathroom is down the hall.


At first, when going to the rest room I was nervous as to were there any occupants {men} who would see me partially dressed & present a danger? But I never, in the entire week, saw one other soul in any room. I had the whole three floor building to myself.


The placement of the building was not in a ‘city’ but a town that you might walk several blocks before finding any sort of business or restaurant. The first day I decided to go look for a restaurant. The owner or his managers gave me no accommodation as to where I’d be fed, no instructions, hints or ideas how I was to eat. And that was the day way before cell phones or iPhone – what year was it? It was early in my stripping career, I retained no documentation from there as I could not get to the press, so I think it was around 1972-73 – {when you’re on the road it can become a BLUR}. I could discover nothing until I went out there. {This treatment of a dancer, even a ‘star’ is typical – they mostly tell you nothing, take you nowhere, do not give you a driver to help you shop or eat – they DON’T HELP. There were exceptions that I will explain as I go along.}

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So I don my clothes & stepping out I see I have NOT prepared well. I believe I was coming from California, not thinking how cold it would be in other places & I DID NOT BRING SOCKS to put into my shoes! The shoes weren’t bad, I remember them well, black with chunky 2” heels, but in the snow, as I waded through some banks, the snow got into the shoes & froze my feet.


I recall being scared. I saw a person walking down the street – just one – & failed to ask him where was the nearest restaurant. After walking a few blocks I gave up, went back to the building. As I said, I saw no businesses, convenient places I could enter & ask for info.


So the rest of the week went like this. There’s no phone in the building, no cell phone, but I know at a certain time a driver will pick me up nightly. Yes, I recall those stairs, he sometimes waits in a large room, like a ballroom, below me, I go there & we drive to the club.


        Now mind you, I have had no breakfast or lunch, no coffee, nothing. It’s night – perhaps 8 or 9 pm. Across the street from the club on the corner is a LIQUOR STORE. Ah, there’s FOOD! You know the snacks they have on a rack – nuts, candies, pretzels, potato chips, I get a few packs of those – that’s my food & the only food I’ll have the whole day & week. Can’t recall what I drink, if it was juice or soda or just water, definitely not alcohol as I didn’t drink then.


Now the deprivation of my situation, the isolation of the building, lack of amenities, conversation & food, was like being in a monastery on ‘bread & water.’ I felt close to God. There were no distractions. That is to say, in the absence of outside attraction, entertainment or diversion, one centers upon oneself, & inside of me is God. So I was communicating with & aware of God more than usual. So therefore, when I danced, the Presence of God was strong & I created a sensation. The audience brought the roof down, it was like I was the Second Coming, like I was the greatest star they had ever seen, it was spooky. What I understood, simply, was that God’s Light was shining through me, it was reaching the audience. I was a bridge, a conduit. It wasn’t me they were responding to, it was God.


When I returned to my bleak monastic room at night I felt the presence of celestial beings & those on the other side of the veil. Marilyn Monroe, for instance, spoke to me. She said,

        “Kellie, be a movie star – it’s easy.”

        She also said,

        “Love everyone.”


At the time I didn’t know what she meant, this had to be then, long ago. I thought she meant like have sex with all the guys she did, because she had to please men to get ahead in the business. I told her loving everyone would get me into trouble.

        But the most poignant was Elvis Presley’s mom. She appeared strongly & said,

        “Contact Elvis. I want him to get back to his roots.”

        But how on earth could I contact Elvis? I wrote to his manager but of course, did not get an answer.

        I told her I had been infatuated with Elvis, would I be able to date him? She said,

        “You’re too GOOD for him. He needs a girl HE CAN HAVE FUN WITH.”

        She used the word ‘good’ in the sense of ‘virtuous.’ When I repeated it to a journalist he looked at me like I was crazy. I was a stripper, how could I be ‘good?’

        So much for Kenosha.


Chapter 2   Lexington, Kentucky & Pizza for 2 weeks

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        Before this I had been at this organization’s other club where I laid a bomb. I think it was Chattanooga, TN. My music & act, some of it, did not go over with the audience. Much of the time I was experimenting & some of my tastes run ESOTERIC. You DO NOT want to pull any unusual music, different styles, new ideas, on the road. You’ll get fired or be a flop. I tried out some Latin style 1940’s music that was not orchestral, just a small band, like ‘the Peanut Vendor’ or something with a Mexican outfit, not that glamorous or sexy, & the audience was dead silent, & then one guy called out,

        “Go back to Mexico!”

        I learned I could do ANYTHING in New York City, my headquarters then, where they all knew me like a sister & accepted all that I did – plus NY was a MELTING POT where every stripe of person was in the audience, Black, white, Asian, Latino, European – so they weren’t narrow minded or prejudiced.

        But in the boondocks you have hillbillies, country folk who are narrow minded & prejudiced – they suspect & often DISLIKE anything from the norm; it has to be mainstream popular or country – nothing else.

        Then I also danced regular go-go to the jukebox in between shows, for free, just because I felt like it, & that stole the THUNDER away from my act, made me look ORDINARY if you catch my drift. I was not introduced as the star nor did I wear fancy clothes, I appeared like a house girl. And so, there was too much confusion in who I was & what I was doing – experiments are just that; you learn by your mistakes. So I left this place kind of with my tail between my legs. {Lucky they didn’t fire me!}


        The next place, Lexington, I was ready to blow them away & I did. I had my most SUPERB music, with a dynamic intro & exit. I tried no more weird shticks, I stuck to the mainstream type glamour; I had my act together. They were in awe of me. The owner said,


        “What happened to you in Chattanooga? You didn’t go over, but you’re terrific now.”

        And one of the dancers said to me {she was a classy ballerina with an exquisite act – I don’t know how she managed all her props but the husband helped}

        “When you come out it’s like a supernatural event – an incredible feeling comes out of you.”

        However, we were in a Mall & there was only one restaurant. I tried to go elsewhere to eat, but it was far away, getting a cab there & back was so expensive it was a waste of money. And so, I ate mostly pizza every day for whatever meals I ate, two weeks, daily pizza. After that I could not eat pizza for two years.


Chapter 3   Kansas City, Kansas


        1972 was my first gig ‘On the Road’ as a stripper. I had been doing go-go & nightclub work in Southern California from 1966 up until then, but now I left California. {Oh yes, there was a job in Colorado I will speak of later}

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        Go go dancing vs stripping, in Southern California, was not what I pursued because the pay to strip was measly. Go go dancing was harder, more time on stage, you had to be YOUNG to do it – I was told the women over 35 didn’t have the ENERGY. So let’s say you could make $300 a week or more doing go go, but the offers for stripping ran to $150 a week. To strip was easier, but I could not afford that, as I was the sole support of two people.


        Why did go go take so much energy? You were on the stage 45 minutes during each hour, with 15 minutes to change outfits, fix makeup, go to the rest room etc. There was little time to REST. In my case, I preferred to dance only to FAST music, so it took even more energy.


        Now the stripper would do maybe three shows a night, each show lasted 9 to 15 minutes. She was on stage, therefore, in a five hour period, 9 to 2 am, 27 to 45 minutes. Whereas the go go dancer during 5 hours was on stage for a staggering 225 minutes – almost 4 hours.

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        Expense wise, the stripper spent more money on costumes than did the go go dancer, but it was also a pain in the ass to constantly get new go go bikinis & shoes – the shoes wore out fast. Most go go dancers got custom made sequin, rhinestone, fancy bikini shorts – nothing shoddy. But there was no stripping so in most cases, you got on the stage covered somewhat, took off the top, & were topless the rest of the show. The drama of stripping was missing.


        I started my career out as a belly dancer – took lessons with a pro, got costumes made, & then, at the two places I auditioned, the pay was $7 a night – if you worked six nights, $42 per week, impossible to live on – it had to be a hobby. {Today’s money $42 would be about $250, which is 1K a month} – add to that go go dancers & belly dancers made tips, but strippers did not. Strippers also, some jobs they paid your room, some did not, that factors a lot into how much you made. Also did they pay your fare – plane, bus or gas money? That’s why people on the road get 2 or 3 times as much money as locals – your room & board costs money, transportation costs money.


        At the very END of my career {1986-87}, being famous, the pay I got was high AND they covered all costs, room at a good hotel & plane ticket. And so, $3,000 with all expenses, they were spending 5K. That totals out to about $12,000 in 2021. Of course, I did not work EVERY WEEK, I would have been RICH, but these kind of jobs I only obtained about 5 of them PER YEAR. And I did not keep the money spent on my room or tickets, so it’s less money than appears. My highest take home pay I ever made, then, was about, in today’s money, $36,250. I was never rich from stripping. {I will explain how God graced me with wealth in another book.}

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        OK my first gig is Kansas City. Surprised how UGLY the dancers were, one in particular. This female was out of shape, big belly, face like an orangutan, & she was VILE in her movements. I guess she appealed to the lower nature of men in order to offset her looks.


        The manager of the theater – yes – first time I worked in a theater, was also vile. He called me into the office & said,

        “Sit your fucking ass down!”

        What was his problem? I had invited a male onto the premises who I thought was a nice person. He said it was an undercover cop. So why was he afraid? Were they doing anything illegal? Apparently so. Here’s the story with a twist.


        The star of the following week appeared at the end of my gig who wanted to buy my blonde wig. I had a couple of them so I sold it to her. Later on I bumped into her on the road again, & she told me this story:

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        “The week after you left, the cops raided the place. Everyone was arrested, the management & dancers, except me. I was wearing your wig – they just let me walk past them & out the door.”

        Hardy har har, the manager who was so rude to me got himself arrested, but the girl they thought was me was the only one they let go. Some kind of karma?

  PS  I forgot to mention that in between our shows, they played vile porno movies.  This happened a lot on the ‘Baker-Berger Circuit’.  That’s the ‘circuit’ I was on now, it went to about 7-8 states, a regular gig I was on back & forth for a while.

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College of God & Love, College of Matriarchal Love, Core Tenets, Uncategorized




from Rasa Von Werder

Two hundred years ago, at the time of Charles Dicken’s ‘Oliver Twist’, children who roamed the streets of England were considered ‘vermin.’ Orphans had to beg or steal to survive – people would look the other way when passing them.

In Bristol rose a special man who would ‘rob the streets’ of thousands of victims.
George Muller started out bad, his life was drinking, gambling & chasing women. He woke up in jail one day, fearing his Dad’s wrath, he’d been stealing from him since age ten. Dad & his friends supplies the booty for his decadent lifestyle, but it caught up with him when one time he couldn’t pay his bill at an Inn – the owner called the authorities, had him arrested & jailed.

He spent one month there with people like himself & worse – murderers & thieves, until finally his Dad bailed him out & paid his debts, but still, he didn’t change.

How did he, later on, save 120,000 orphans, with housing, nurturing & education? When he found his calling, he had, in today’s money, acquired 180 MILLION in resources for the poor – without ever asking for donations. He would present his plans to the public but ask ONLY GOD to make it possible, & resources came. How did he do it?

A life of Church work was something George’s Dad craved for him – Not because of devotion but being a clergy in Germany brought respect, good money & a great pension. John Frederick Muller provided the education George needed, in what is now called Martin Luther University in Harley.

George began his studies but his old ways were still there. Then something great happened. He met a young man, quiet & thoughtful, Christof Frederick Beta – they were close. Beta was a lapsed Christian, he hoped George’s worldly ways would rub off on him, while George hoped Christof would help him improve. Beta was going to religious meetings every Saturday – Muller wanted to go, but Beta thought he’d hate it & said no, finally relented as he was being hounded & there they went.

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The meeting was praying, singing, reading the bible, then a sermon. How would the playboy react? He LOVED IT. On the outside, he was living the high life, but inside he was empty & miserable. This was a powerful CONVERSION, not dry, harsh religion but the LOVE of God sprang up in his heart & he jumped for joy with new hope & desire for life.

But George did not want to be clergy, he wished to go to the missions, so that would not satisfy his Dad’s needs – they had to end his sponsorship. God provided George with work for his last two college years, but he worked so hard he collapsed from exhaustion.

At the suggestion of friends, his destiny was now the Seacoast town of Teignmouth. Here he found a soul mate – a Scotsman & pastor same age as he – 24 – named Henry Cray. They were both converted in college.

Henry Clay introduced him to the great follower of Christ, Anthony Norris Groves – who lived by faith alone, following the ‘Go sell all you have, give to the poor & follow me’ precept of Jesus – he actually did this literally, giving away all his fortune – with his wife – trusting in God to take care of them & their ministry.

George Muller was impressed & decided to follow the same path, relying on God alone. He also fell in love with Groves sister, Mary Groves, who was equally fervent, & married her – a good choice to stay right with God & mission.

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He saw the path as adventure – sell all you don’t need, trust in God – few had done this, it was new.
It was time to move on, & both George & Henry Clay moved to Bristol where they partnered in ministry. Financially Bristol was in bad condition, having lost their lucrative slave trade, but they survived.

Good people took note that poor children were dying in the streets. There were no antibiotics, they got sick from cold & damp & died. The government responded by putting them into ‘work houses’ along with grown men – it was something everyone dreaded. {Jack London did research on this, passed himself off as impoverished & experienced these ‘work houses’ as well as the institutions that gave out ‘free food’ which was just bread, & these were frightening, dangerous & deplorable. They were torture to the inmates, they were given only food for hard work, {just bread} maybe a dirty place to sleep, & forced to listen to harsh sermons for hours.}

Charles Dickens was writing of this in his newspaper column, he visited George Mullers orphanages & gave them high marks.

George had availed himself of free lodging for poor divinity students in Germany, a huge organization created by Professor Angus Herman Franka – who housed 2,000 orphans. It was a little city in itself, with all the amenities, all were treated humanely.

In England orphanages existed only in London, but they excluded the poor, only those of middle class, who could pay, were welcome.
Muller’s vision began to take shape imitating Prof. Franka. He beg

an to think, pray & ask God to build the orphanage & God answered within days, with more money than he had prayed for.

And so it started – throw all one’s faith in God – divest yourself of all you don’t need, & rely on God alone. Do not ask people for money or resources, but tell them what you are doing, what you will do, but don’t say I need your money, I need you to do this – don’t tell them anything but your plans & they will provide.

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People started bringing gifts, donations, food, housing supplies, everything. They got a landlord to give them a good building for low rent. It went great for two years, then followed seven years of ‘famine’ where they had to buckle down & all workers had to sacrifice, sell things of their own to keep it going, but they did.

He never stopped working, built four major institutions in a beautiful natural area, all were housed, fed, clothed & educated properly.

Mary died & George married again, then she died, he kept working. He said God never allowed him to be lonely as God was the center of his life & filled the void. He worked until God called him to his eternal rest, a happy old man of 93.


Robber of the Cruel Streets: The Story of George Muller (2006) | Full Movie | Adam Stone

George Müller (1805-1898) was a German playboy who found Christ and then gave his life to serve Christ unreservedly. His mission was to rescue orphans from the wretched street life that enslaved so many children in England during the time of Charles Dickens and Oliver Twist. Müller did rescue, care for, feed, and educate such children by the thousands. The costs were enormous for such a great work. Yet, amazingly, he never asked anyone for money. Instead he prayed, and his children never missed a meal. This docu-drama presents his life story and shows how God answered prayer and met their needs. It is a story that raises foundational questions regarding faith and finances. Also included are two special documentaries on Müller and some of the lives affected by his work.
Director: Crawford Telfer
Starring: Adam Stone, Andy Harrison

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